Calling people who point out that systemic problems require systemic solutions "liberals" is. A Take

obviously i find it extremely interesting and entertaining to put characters through Situations, see what happens when Things Are Bad, push them around and see what happens when i break things and see what it looks like when they get put back together, etc. traumatizing characters is just one of many ways to understand them better and i often have fun with it

but also, like, y’know, sometimes i'm also Processing Stuff, personal or otherwise. exploring harder things to understand them or express them or examine them from a safe distance.

grief and loss IS something that's really personal to me and it's something i'm exploring through cathan. our situations are Extremely Different ofc but i'm still finding it cathartic. grief is hard and it's forever and it hurts and it hurts and it HURTS and really taking a magnifying glass to every moment of hurt cathan feels over the years is fascinating to me and a little painful to me and a little comforting to me. i'm thinking about the immediate shock and i'm thinking about them telling their parents and their mom wails like mine did and she needs help standing like mine did and i'm thinking of the guilt that follows moments of feeling good and i'm thinking of how some things are ruined and how some things become precious and i'm thinking of the dark jokes they could make to cope and of the moments of levity mixed amongst the worst of it and i'm thinking of the regret and the longing and i'm thinking of how three years is no time at all let alone a few days and i'm thinking of people sometimes thinking they're not grieving right and i'm thinking if there was a body to bury and i'm thinking of that painful pressure to talk about him to keep him alive and i'm thinking of the agony of knowing people who will never know him and more and more and more, there's so much, grief is so much, i need characters who can feel this way too

Humans are Weird “Humor.”

Good morning everyone! Decided to write something nice and short today because I know a lot of you are here for that. I haven’t done it in a while, so I hope you appreciate my return :) 

Scene: Dr Krill (an alien with arguably the most experience dealing with humans) is being interviewed on-record during the intergalactic convention of psycho-bio-medical science.                                      

Q: WHat was the hardest thing for you to get used to the first time you stepped aboard a human ship?

A: To ask that question I would have to tell you about practically everything that happened to me while I was there. Living with humans is hard, and strange if you aren’t human. Everything about them is strange, and more complicated than it needs to be. For the longest time I had trouble keeping up with their communication.

Q: I was told that human communication is relatively simple.

A: Whoever told you that has never met a human, when humans speak they use oth verbal and body language to demonstrate their point, and worse than tha, they intentionally use irony, hyperbole, sarcasm and humor to communicate what they are saying.

Q: What is ... humor.

A: “\Now, as the humans would say sit back and rela because you just opened a massive can of worms.

Q What

A Exactly, human communication doesn’t make sense unless you spend time with them. You practically have to BECOME human to understand anything that’s going on. As for the case of humor, it is very complicated, and I still don’t quite understand it. I have experienced the phenomenon of humor in a way I don’t think is possible for many of my species. I’ve tried to explain it before, but it’s Ike explaining the color blue to a creature who seems primarily in infrared, they just won;t get it.

Q can you try?

A Of course I will. Humor is the appreciation of a specific situation or turn of phrase, but even that is completely inadequate to explain what humor is. It’s a….. primarily social, but not always, experience that is designed to help a group of humans empathizes, connect, or diffuse a situation. It is very important to be able to see the humor when with a group of humans because it will strengthen a social bond between you and them.

Q Can we have some examples.

A Well…. this could potentially be a long list so forgive me if I ramble on.

Humans have these things called jokes, sometimes they are stories and sometimes they are clever word play. The story joke generally begins with something that seems normal or at least plausible but the ... punch line (as the humans call it) is designed to be absurd, exaggerated or unexpected. For example you have three humans stranded on an island, one has dark hair, one has red hair, one has yellow hair. They dark hair human gets tired of this, and tries to swim back to the mainland, halfway across she drowns. Eventually the red hair human gets tired of being on the island and tries to swim as well, but she drowns halfway there. Finally the light hair human decides to try. She gets halfway to her destination, gets tired and swims back.

Q And what makes that funny. Two humans died.

A It’s funny because the last human got halfway there and swam back implying she could have made it all the way to the mainland but was too dumb to do so. Exaggerated lack of intelligence, and an absurd situation.

In the case of word play you can say something like: what do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot. ONe of those is a creature with many legs, and the other one is a bird capable of mimicking speech. THe answer is a walk-in-talkie, a type of short-wave handheld radio.

Q I don’t get it.

A I wouldn’t expect you to. It requires a very in-depth knowledge of human history and culture. Some other things that can be considered funny to a human include.

Non-human things trying to do human things, and this includes animals exhibiting human behavior. HUmans find it very funny when less intelligent creatures exhibit human behavior. THese can include strange un-animal noises and even an animal trying to do something that normally only humans do

This rule also applies to their own offspring. A small human attempting to do something above their capabilities, like speak or, even, attempt a skill is greatly amusing to humans.

Sometimes the jokes that humans use don’t even involve irony, but are designed the annoy the person they are targeted at. In this case the targeted human might expect the answer to be clever, but instead get something that is either obvious or really stupid. In this case what is funny is not the joke itself, but the reaction to the joke. Sometimes these are called anti jokes and are specifically designed to be funny by way of not being very funny.

Q Can you demonstrate that to us?

A Yes of course.

What is big, red and bad for your teeth.

Q I don’t know, what?

A A brick

Q Well….. yes I suppose.

A You see it's funny because not only is it obvious, but it also implies that someone threw a brick at someone else’s face.

Q Humans consider other people’s pain entertaining?

A OH yes, very much. This gives rise to two types of humor. Watching others get hurt and the dark humor.

Dark human involves saying something gruesome or wildly inappropriate. I am under the impression it is a way to test how socially close a group of people is. Because if you are with an unfamiliar group of people you don’t know how they will react to a potentially offensive or dark joke, and so may not use one. If a human deployed one, they may be gaging the reaction of those around them. I would say that, on average, humans have a lot of very dark thoughts, and the knowledge that other humans also have dark thoughts brings them more socially close. IF you can make a dark joke around a human that implies than you can say other inflammatory things without getting into trouble. As I was saying humans have a lot of dark and sometimes aggressive thoughts, and the ability to vent and share them is very important for mental health, but they need to make sure they find a proper group to confide in.

An example would be: what is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies….. you cannot unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork

Q: That…… is…. disturbing.

A: It’s a little bit funny

On the other hand, watching other people get hurt is a complicated type of humor.

It may be funny because the other person was doing something stupid, or against the rules, and it is entertaining to see them get what was coming to them. Humans like justice.

Sometimes it is designed as a way for humans to empathize with another being. Seeing someone get hurt wincing and then laughing about it is a way of saying I feel your pain, but I’m glad it’s not me.

Of course there is the humor that involves laughing at someone you genuinely hate who got hurt. IN this case you have always desired to hit that person, but it is not socially acceptable, but watching them get hurt by something else causes a sort of….. release of tension and anger.

Sometimes humans watch just to make themselves feel better that they aren’t in that situation or their life isn’t that bad.

In large groups, this is a way for humans to practice empathy and also socially bond with those round them

Q You said earlier that it was an important tool in defusing situations…. how does that work.

A Well that its a very good question and it comes with, what I think is the most interesting aspect of human humor.

IF you’re with your friends, and one of them runs face first into a pole, you may think it is funny, but it’s only funny if the person isn’t hurt, or a couple days after the incident when the person is fine. In both cases it is a way to demonstrate relief or test to see if the other person is ok. It can even be used to let others know that you're ok.

Human history is filled with some of the greatest and most horrible tragedies imaginable, and for every one of them you will be able to find jokes. Studies have shown that the use of humor is a proper and helpful outlet to the emotions that come with tragedy. You may hear a human say that there were only two options in a situation “It was either laugh or cry.” Both include the release of emotion which can be cathartic.

Assume there is a tense meeting between group of humans Violence is about to break out, but someone makes a joke. The atmosphere is diffused and social bonding occurs allowing the humans to be less hostile towards each other, and probably get something done.

In cases of humans who have experienced past trauma, I find that the healthiest, mentally healthiest, humans have a habit of making fun of the trauma. In many cases it helps them to cope with what happened and serves as a sign to let others know that they are doing ok.

Q And there are other types of humor as well?

A If I were to talk about all of them, we would be here all day. I think the important takeaway from this is that humans use humor  primarily for reasons of social bonding. If a human thinks you are funny they are more likely to like you and more likely to be your friend. Even in human relationships, the funnier you are the more likely you are to find a mate, so to anyone planning to spend time with humans, I would recommend putting a great amount of focus and study into their humorous.

I dunno if I have a lot to say, but I figured that give how many people follow me, I wanna share some tips on preserving mental health during these chaotic times

If you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed my last story QA, which was a bit of a survey just to see how some of you lovely monitors are feeling, because I know the world in general has been stressed lately for obvious reasons. The elephant in the room is that we as individuals are all walking a tightrope of staying up-to-date about the future and how to maintain our physical health while also trying to preserve a sense of productivity and activity to sustain our mental health, the latter of which I’m noticing being especially strenuous for many of you, likely because this prolonged period of uncertainty and anxiety is highly unfamiliar. I want to disclaim right away: I am not a doctor, I am not a psychologist trained in extensive therapy who knows how to guide each and every one of you to your healthiest behaviors. However, I still wish to still help you with some advice. I do wish to see you as my friends, and as my friends, I want to ensure that you are happy and healthy. I already have a history of self-isolation, and without getting too in-depth of the exact details, this involuntarily hermit-like lifestyle we’re all being encouraged to ascribe to has been my way of living for the past several years (the involuntary-ness included). I’ve become much more acclimated to not just being alone, but stuck in a place of residence with little directive or seeming control of my own future, with a long history of trying to discern of not just what to do with my life in general, but just getting through the day-to-day. I want to discuss that day-to-day, because the month(s) away we have from returning to a normal world again is still comprised of many, many days, and if I can’t come up with a surefire long-term plan for how to deal with a future we are all in unfamiliar territory of dealing with, I can at least suggest a few low-cost stepping stones to helping you take in each day a lot easier, and hopefully help lift a bit of the collective burden over however long we may be like this. 1) DON'T LET YOURSELF GIVE UP. I feel like this is a bit of an obvious tip that might come across as “are you feeling sad? Just be happy!”, but hear me out. One of the biggest sources of human (or human-equivalent) stress is the feeling that one has no control over their life. The period where I fussed incredibly hard about the fate of my future as I was first condemned was one of the darkest, most exhausting parts of my life, as were all the times I had done before. It wasn’t merely that I was so ashamed of my failures, but it was the fact that I’d constantly and semi-consciously associate it with my entire being, to the point where I couldn’t make a casual joke in a non-depressed context that didn’t end with a side remark of how I wanted to die (now that I explained it without context… yikes.) Eventually, there was a eureka moment for me where I had enough of being tired. I’m not sure exactly what triggered it -- perhaps it was just dealing with the banality of the isolation, perhaps it was just me thinking more about how I mentally hurt myself and what I could do to stop, perhaps it was me simply deciding to find professional psychological help for it -- but whatever the case, I realized that even if the world could do bad things to me, I wanted to stop doing things that would hurt myself, as not only was being good to myself the least that I could do, but it also helped me forge a modicum of very real power for my self-esteem, giving that first boost to kickstart my life again (in part by starting this channel and making new online friends!) This wasn’t a solution to get rid of all my outside problems, but rather a means to help accept that things would be tough, but I could still live with them. Challenges will need to be faced, and there will be failures because that’s how life can be sometimes, but it also helped me better comprehend that there will also be victories, because that’s ALSO how life can be sometimes! I can’t say for sure how each and every one of you will be able to help yourself realize that negativity, hopelessness, and cynicism are not the only means to approach an uncertain and stressful future. Perhaps you already realized it! Perhaps you were in the process of realizing it but the articulation of my journey may give some guidance. Perhaps you still need some more time and thought to think about it. But whichever way, I implore you to consider that this future is not solely one to be defeated by, but one which you can fight to be happy in… and win. 2) GIVE YOURSELF A DAILY RHYTHM. One of the biggest things I see people complaining about is how without their usual daily schedule with work or school, their mental acuity is going haywire and it’s difficult to get things done. There are many reasons for why our brains are reacting to the situation the way they do: a bunch of collective trauma surrounding the pandemic putting our brains on edge for what to expect next, stress making us unable to register complex tasks, our inner survival instinct diverting away our ability to think about personal minutiae, etc. The human brain is a fickle thing doing its best to cope with the trauma it’s presented with, and first and foremost, it’s important to be patient with yourself. Going back to the “how to take on the day-to-day”, let’s talk about schedules. The truth is that many of us crave at least a mild semblance of structure and compartmentalization, and a big factor for why our minds are getting sloggy is because we’ve lost the ones we followed, mostly ones imposed onto us by our professions, and were wholly unprepared to figure out a compensation plan (as many of you students learning via Zoom conferences are aware). The practical trick I have to help remedy this is a pretty basic-on-paper one: seek out your own schedule. Speaking from my own experience, the daily grind into this miasma of a future becomes less cumbersome once you intuit what you actually define as “the daily grind”. This is not to say you need to become a rigid, Clock King-esque fanatic who plans every action by the minute, as simply understanding what you do and what you WANT to do will be of help. For me, I schedule my alarm clock to go off at 8:30. Every day I get up and make coffee or tea along with breakfast for myself and The Master. My current daily priorities are messy janitorial duties and Animal Crossing, while my personal hobbies that I’d reserve to my free time include filming content, playing video games, watching movies or Youtube, cooking, or going outside to jog. Every week or so, I go out for groceries. I do my best to go to bed and sleep before midnight. Of course, this is just MY schedule, but this is how rudimentary it can get while still giving me a sense of fulfillment when I do pass the time as I do accomplish my tasks. There are many ways to go about it, but really, one of the simplest ways to recognize them in your life is just write it out. Actually articulate it into just a really simple list that you have to transfer from mind onto paper/digital text. This is especially recommended if additional tasks or changes to your life occurs: write it down so you can remember everything! And allow yourself to do it! This is not to say you should be worrying constantly about how productive you are, as the goal is not to define yourself by how much you accomplish per day, but rather a way to give yourself that sorely needed daily rhythm we all miss, while allowing you to reward yourself when you hit your goals. And like every plan, it doesn’t need to be flawless -- there will be times where we need to relax and take a break. There might be emergencies to deal with. There may be times where things are so overwhelming where it’s like “Yknow what? I don’t wanna do anything today.” And that’s okay. On a related note: Something I’d like to place importance on with my schedule is my sleep. As someone who has experienced long periods of miserable exhaustion in my life, I cannot overstate just how important and cathartic a good, consistent sleep schedule is. I’m not joking: the night when I stopped being “insomniac” by going to bed tired but staying on my phone up until 2 AM, and instead actually went to bed at 11-ish, I woke up feeling the best I had in years. Exhaustion no longer felt like a necessary, expected burden. I felt legitimately well-rested, and discovering that I could freely feel things that weren’t depression was almost epiphanic (if that’s a word lol). I know that going to sleep and waking up on a consistent time of day might sound chore-like to many of you night owls, and there may be other concerns at play like actual insomnia, but I implore you to at least consider giving yourself a consistent nightly rhythm as well as your daily one. Being exhausted is an easy way to get stuck in your own head, and if you’re thinking dark thoughts and lack the energy to force yourself out, you can be in trouble. Don’t underdo or overdo it that you still feel like crap when you wake up. Be honest to yourself. Good sleep can be incredibly rewarding in ways that you might not even believe until you experience it for yourself.

Since today was a bad day I’d like to apolize to bora in advanced....

Out of all the outcomes, it had to turn out like this? Its like whenever i finally start to feel happy, it always gets ripped away from me.But life isn’t fair, especially to runaways. I guess that’s why i opened the door to a strangers apartment. I remember the hunger pains I felt that day, I ember how cold it was sleeping outside. God that feels like ages ago, its hard to believe that I’ve only been with you all for only a few months. I Romberg meeting all of you for the first time, I was terrified but you all tried to make me feel the most comfortable I could be. I still Romberg that special knock seven used to let me know it was him and not some random stranger. I also remover that little lie he told me when I said I didn’t want anything to eat or drink,” I have a gift card that’s about to expire,” that never fails to bring a smile to my face. On the ride to the penthouse, seven told me to give jumin a chance, that he isn’t some cold, heartless Man. He just doesn’t know how to express his emotions.

Jaehee, god she was a life saver when i got my first period, I couldn’t thank her enough after she calmed me down and made me realize that I wasn’t dying. I was so embarrassed, but she assured me that it is natural and it is nothing to be ashamed about. She was the older sister I never had, taking me to get bras that actually fit, teaching me how to brew coffee, giving me girl adddvice, thank you so much for that. You are so amazing and I love helping you at your cafe.

Yoosung, I can’t believe how close we’ve gotten, you’re so fun and easy to chat with. You always help me take my mind off of my bad dreams by playing LOLOL together, well its more you playing the game and me pressing random buttons. And all the times you have helped me with homework questions, but i guess that’s a benefit of online school. You might get teased by everyone but you’re amazing, and kind, and I cherish our moments together.

Zen, you took on the role of an older brother the second you found out my age, and that I’m a runaway, but I guess it’s cause you’re one too. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. You reminded me so much of my older brother, but you and him are different people with different amazing qualities. You made me feel so safe, and I always had so much fun whenever you took me to rehearsal. I still smile and laugh when the lighting caption took me to their booth during lunch, while you were still practicing and let me use the spotlight, and I kept moving it around and you had to follow. That was so much fun. You were the first person who gave me a real hug in years, and I accepted it, it felt so good to be hugged with so much genuine care and affection that I cried in your arms. I know that you don’t always get along with jumin, but seeing you both try to get along for my sake warms my heart.

Seven, you were the first one I met. That first night I was at the apartment I know it was you who sent laundry detergent, shampoo, conditioner, food, tooth paste, a toothbrush, and other supplies I needed but didn’t have. You just didn’t want to take the credit. You were the first person in a long time to give me those supplies without a hidden motive. I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, you arranged for me to stay with jumin until you all found a suitable home for me to live in(although that didn’t happen lol) you work tirelessly and put other before yourself, even though you love teasing yoosung everyone knows that you love him, not only him but everyone in the rfa. All those jokes and memes you send in the group chat are always hilarious, and all those times you broke into the penthouse at night to “play with Elly “ when it just by coincidence that i had a nightmare. We would always end up laughing so hard it hurts. You helped me in so many ways that I cant even name them all, thank you for always helping me.

Jumin, it has been a few months since you took me in, and those few months have made me the happiest I have ever been, without you and the rfa I dont know what would have happened to me, You took me, a runaway teenager, who you didn’t know, who was so reserved and barley talked, and you helped her. You turned me into the person I am today, and the person I am today is happy. You stood by me during the whole Glam and Sarah situation, and you didn’t even know me too well but you still protected me. You are always there for me during my nightmares. You even took me to see multiple types of doctors to make sure I was getting healthy, and to find out what steps to take to get me there, from setting reminders on my phone to eat, to getting me a weighted blanket so I could finally sleep through the night. You took on the parental role for a down on her luck runaway, and gave her a chance. I can’t ever thank you enough for that. I love you dad.

Sometimes I wonder what was going on in everyone’s heads when I popped up, but I just need everyone to know that I love them, so so much. Not many people can say that they got a second shot at having a family, but i did, and I love my family. You all showed me something I hadn’t felt since my brother died, love, affection, and a sense of belonging. Please, none of you blame yourselves for what happened to me.

Love, Bora Han.”

Hot tears streamed down Jumin face as he read Bora’s letter, the smell of disinfectant permeated the hospital room. The letter in one hand as the other gripped his unconscious daughters hand. The only comfort he found was the beeping of the heart monitor, telling him that his daughter is still alive. After four hours of emergency surgery on her shoulder from the gunshot wound, and countless stitches on her left leg from where unknown threw her onto the broken glass covered floor. He needed to make a getaway, what’s a better distraction that shooting a child in their shoulder then throwing them practically across a room. She must have written the letters once we got news of the bomb in the apartment being controlled by unknown. It zen got her to a hospital just in time he is sitting on the chair across the room, asleep with dried blood on his shirt. He isn’t even supposed to be here, but all it took for the nurse to let it slide was some flirting, from his part. And I handed her more than enough money to convince her. All that matters is that my daughter is alive.

It was hours before I felt something squeeze my hand. My eyes meet a pair of purple eyes that look so insanely tired, they were already welling up in tears as zen rushes to grab a nurse and water.

“ hey duckling, I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere,”

“ i-“ she starts to cough, which makes her groan in pain, the meds must be wearing off. A nurse runs in to check up on bora as zen holds up a cur of water and brings it to boras lips. She must be so thirsty, and she looks so scared, she hates hospitals but right now her safety it top priority.

“ I’m so sorry dad” she says crying. Stroking her hair I try calming her as much as I can without her being in more pain.

“Duckling, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry about, you were so strong, and you still are so strong. I promise I wont leave you alone here.” I say calmly, making her calm down a bit.

“ me too kiddo, I’m not leaving you here too,” zen says as bora looks at his shirt.

Crying a bit bora turn to zen,”I’m really sorry about your shirt,” which makes everyone laugh a bit.

“ I can buy many shirts, but there is only one of you,” he says playfully tapping Bora on the nose.

Seeing bora struggle to keep her eyes open, we both turn off the lamps.

“Get some shut eye kid, we will be here the whole night, and when you wake up, we will still be here,” zen says stretching out on the couch, as I lie on the reclining chair. I’m kind of glad that the lights are off, its so hard to see bora in a cast, she just looks so small in that big hospital bed, but she is safe, and alive. We can get through this, I’ll be there every step of the way.

While I don’t think that Unknown would do that, nor would write something of that dark regard in this universe, I can tell that it was very cathartic for you to be able to write this out. So, if this helped you coped with your pain in any way, that is good. I appreciate that you shared your perspective on Bora’s thoughts and her feelings over her time spent with the RFA. 

She’s so very appreciative of all of them. They’re her family. She can’t imagine life without them. 

15 questions meme

tagged by @turianosauruswrex a while ago, thanks!

Are you named after someone? nope, my parents literally found my name in a baby-name book and liked the meaning (something like "of the Lord" or "gift of God").

Last time you cried? haha welllll that would probably be when Endgame came out and what I was getting from my thirdhand accounts was that not only was Loki still dead, the time travel overwrote everything, so what we were left with was a single timeline where 2012 Loki left with the Tesseract, wreaked havoc, gave it to Thanos, and died anyway, so it felt like...you know, it wasn't enough for them to kill my boy, they had to make him evil again and shit all over his memory and it seemed really awful and mean-spirited. also I think I was PMSing so that didn't help, but the result was I spent most of a day genuinely struggling not to cry. the time before that was probably back in November, the first time I walked Hazy, because she looked so much like Scully from behind and I was hit all over again with how unfair it was that he was gone and how much he'd lost over the past year or so even before he got sick. the last time I actually full-on sobbed was October 5, the day he was put to sleep. (I was also trying to get over a cold at the time and could barely talk, so the combination meant I REALLY had a terrible time making myself understood and I used up a damn mountain of Kleenex.) I really don't cry much, and maybe that's not super healthy because I hear it's supposed to be cathartic, but I don't remember ever getting that--it's just messy and I get an awful headache, and I don't so much get to a point of feeling cried out as much as I just get sick of it and make myself stop.  

Any kids? lol no. not like, living human children. I do have a "my kids" tag though. and Loki is my disaster child. and some of my action figures are my kids. I always assumed I'd have kids because it's What You Do, so I don't think I realized until at least college that it wasn't necessarily something I wanted, and then I eventually realized it was something I actively didn't want. I don't mind being an aunt, but aside from not having a chance to buy some fun baby gear I've seen (like a vampire-teeth pacifier), there is literally not a single part of the child-making-and-having process that appeals to me.

Do you use sarcasm? possibly too much. sometimes I confuse older people when I say, with obvious sarcasm based on the context, that something bad is great, and then I realize I have no idea how else to convey, like, a tiny bit of dark humor about something bad, and I’m a millennial so I gotta make those Jokes(TM) to cope  

First thing you notice about a person? I...don't know.  this always strikes me as a weird question because it's like...you mean a random person I walk past on the street, or the first thing I notice when I actually meet somebody? it depends on the person, too, because for instance if some random stranger has really rad dyed hair, I will definitely notice that and probably compliment them.

What’s your eye colour? hazelish, which is a fancier way of saying I used to think they were green but they’re more brownish than that without being outright brown.

Scary movies or happy endings? "both is good" dot gif

Special talents? ummm. I'm pretty resourceful, is that a talent? I'm often the person who goes "oh I have that in in my purse, want to use mine?" when somebody needs a bandaid, ibuprofen, a screwdriver, fingernail clippers, iPhone charger, etc., although of course the drawback to that is I'm kiiiiind of a hoarder and I'm almost incapable of packing light. finding random Loki stuff might count as a special talent at this point, idk.

Birthplace? middle of nowhere Minnesota.  

Hobbies? Reading, writing, collecting Loki stuff, attempting to customize action figures, cosplay but I'm not very dedicated or good at it, video gaaaaaames (but I’m also not very good at it)

Do you/have you played any sports? I was on the swim team in Barrow for a while but it was like...not really a competitive thing, just the next thing to do after swimming lessons. also entirely my parents' idea; I mostly hated it. (now swimming is one of the few forms of exercise I don't hate, in part because you can't feel yourself sweating when you're in the water.)

Pets? sweet but dumb Siamese-looking cat named Smocha (smoky + mocha). extremely silly, wiggly, kind of high-strung little dog named Hazy.

Height? 5' 3.75". that three-quarters of an inch is important.

Favourite subject in school? probably English because I pretty much always knew what I was doing.

Dream job? are we talking "literal dream job that doesn't actually exist because nobody would ever pay money for this" or something more realistic? because if it's the latter, I really don't know--I'd like to be a published author but not as an actual job, for instance, and at one point I thought I'd love to write for BioWare but now I think working for almost any game company would be a nightmare. if it's the former, I would like to receive a good salary and benefits to sleep as much as I want, play games, write fic, and cuddle my dog, so obviously that is never going to happen because that’s not a job.

I do not have the brain power tonight to tag anyone, sorry

Hot Mulligan and sadboyism: pop-punk’s tumble with the emotional

Hot Mulligan, a four-piece from Lansing, MI, released their debut full-length record Pilot back in March, and it’s been putting the band on the maps in the scene. 

Pilot is categorically a pop-punk record at first glance, but that’s more a genre denotation than an accurate description of the musical content. The record is actually musically progressive given the rest of the genre – it fits in, but it gets technical and math-rock-y at times. Vocalist Tades Sanville’s delivery helps make the band stand out, as his sometimes-shouting, sometimes-melancholy, sometimes-broken tones are unmistakable (listen to “How Do You Know It’s Not Armadillo Shells?”).

But the most lingering aspect of Pilot is how unapologetically and fully it embraces sadness in its lyrics. The album’s lead, “Deluxe Capacitor,” dives right into this, a meandering song about people and life changing all around you with the hook being “And every day I contemplate this life I made, but I still long for better days.” Pilot leans on this heavily. This kind of melancholy is a pattern in pop-punk, but it seems it’s gotten more intense in recent years. “How Do You Know It’s Not Armadillo Shells?” is just one big session of self-doubt, self-criticism, and cynicism accented by loneliness and bad coping mechanisms. Pilot is by no means the start or end of this trend, but it’s a stunning litmus test of what has seemed to become a cultural norm lately.

Hot Mulligan’s social media feeds don’t reflect what’s happening in the music. There’s aloofness and memes and at least one reference to “small dick energy,” because doing social media seriously is hard (not a knock against Hot Mulligan – very few can pull it off). So it makes sense, but then you think about the kind of deflection that it represents. There’s more than ample documentation at this point that social media overuse generally causes unhappiness.

The truth is, if social media is supposed to represent the bubble in which your friends and acquaintances can keep up with you, but none of them really know what’s going on in your head, then it’s not much of a surprise when we get albums such as Pilot (for the record, “I just need some time to know what wrong in my head” is an actual line off “Armadillo”). This isn’t pigeon-holing; Pilot is obviously not a record born out of the loneliness social media can bring, but it’s weird how unexpressive we can all be about the problems that plague us on platforms designed for expression.

That’s part of what makes Pilot feel unsettling on a level. Pilot resonates deeply for people with issues revolving around self-esteem, loneliness, depression, loss of religion, and regret. This is part of the band’s identity, and at least at the show in Orlando, it seemed like a large portion of the crowd was there foremost for Hot Mulligan. Because I think most of us “get it.” “Feel it.” I do. None of this is meant to disregard Hot Mulligan’s voice as a band, but rather to bring attention to what has become the norm. Sadness in music has always existed, but the brand we have now comes with alarming flourishes, such as flippant abuse of “casual” substances (i.e. weed and alcohol; they’re not “hard”) in the name of a desperate attempt to feel right. Lots of people like to joke about the trope of the “sad boy” in pop-punk, but the dark truth of it is that it’s not a problem limited to men, and it’s one that comes from a generation that just hasn’t figured out healthy coping. Mental issues and suicide are becoming epidemics for our generation – does this music enable it or soothe it? Often, arguably, it sits somewhere uncomfortably in between.

This is ironic given that music has always been branded as cathartic, especially pop-punk shows, and especially smaller, underground shows like Hot Mulligan’s show in Orlando. But if a bunch of sad kids are singing along to sad songs, where does all that sadness actually go?

I don’t have an answer for this, and I’m not sure if anyone does. This issue actually arguably goes far beyond the confines of music and personal strife. As an economically distressed generation with far fewer opportunities than their parents had is tossed casually into an unforgiving world and unable to make sense of things, it’s no mystery why we get existential despair embedded into the songs. Even music is, financially, a harder game than ever, meaning most bands are driven by the passion. And when music is highly monetized and cultivated to sell in the way that large labels often push for with armies of ghost writers and top-tier producers, then you can’t even be sure what you’re getting has genuine feeling.

Hot Mulligan obviously doesn’t fall into this trap. You can be sure what you’re getting is genuine. Whether you like it or not is up to you, but it doesn’t back away from how it feels. You’ve got to wonder what that means these days, though. Where does it get us? Maybe it’s a question for the next Hot Mulligan record. Or maybe it’s a question we’ll be dealing with more and more.

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Words and photos by sonder editor Andrew Friedgen. Like this? Sonder is an independent music, travel and photography publication at sonderlife.com. Give us a follow here or at our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook for more content like this!

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“I HATE MY LIFE, LMAO”

TW: mental illness, therapy, self-hatred, self-deprecation

Let's start this one off with a text I received a few months ago from a friend, who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a while:

For anyone who isn't fluent in German, it reads as follows: "I'm hip and have a Twitter too now, as you probably noticed. Your own Twitter doesn't sound like you're too doing well. Can I help in any way?"

At first, I was like: "Huh? What does she mean?"

But, well...

Alright, I see her point.

And that's what I'm here to talk about today: Tweeting and joking your sorrows away (and why it's so hard to stop doing it). Before we get into it, however, I want to drop one last screenshot, because it just fits this current situation oh too well, and the irony made me giggle:

Okay, enough social media plugging, let's get back to business.

As you can see, I am quite active when it comes to tweeting about my struggles with mental illness. Which, in this day and age, really isn't a rarity. You just need to take one look at Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, TikTok or any dank meme, to see that joking, down-playing and iRoniCalLy tAkiNg tHe piSs out of personal problems and issues, has become quite the trend for millennials in general. Once again, I'm not the only one guilty of doing that.

Had you asked me a year ago whether or not I thought that constantly ridiculing very serious and traumatic incidents in my life was maybe a bit worrisome, I would have probably gotten very defensive and told you that "it's called coping, okay?” Because hey, making jokes and laughing about the bad things in your life gives them less power over you and helps distract from the pain. And that's good, right? That's what you're supposed to do. Right?

Well.

Dealing with your own issues, whether that's big or small ones, is a very personal process that, quite frankly, no one really gets to have a say in except for you. And yeah, sure, as we all learned by watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, ridiculing and laughing about something that really scares you, loosens the hold said fear has on you and makes it easier to deal with. However, there is a very big difference between the boggards of life (if you don’t get that reference, you clearly weren’t around when J.K. Rowling wasn’t problematic and transphobic yet) and medical mental health issues and disorders.

I am no doctor, I am aware of that, but even I know that having an ironic laugh about a shitty day is something very different to basically verbally abusing yourself and trying to make your own depression or anxiety relatable to ... well, to whom, actually? Random people on the internet? That are never going to really care or react to your self-deprecating jokes? That doesn’t seem like it’ll do much now, does it.

And that’s kind of the whole point, if you’re really honest with yourself. Social media has made it oh too easy to simply shout those invasive, painful and scary thoughts and feelings out into a void before they eat you alive. The thing about a void is, though: You're still alone in it. It doesn't answer you back. It's empty. And it will make you feel that exact emptiness inside you, too. It poses no comfort, it doesn't offer advice, it doesn't give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on or anything, really. It may swallow your word vomit whenever it bubbles out of you, but it will still leave you feeling drained and hollow because there's nothing you get from it in return.

Twitter, Instagram and every other easy-to-access-and-rant-on social media platform lets you dump your initial hurt all over it, but it doesn't lessen the pain. And neither do the self-deprecating jokes and dank depression memes.

I’ll say this once again, for the people in the back (me, I’m talking about myself here, I am the people in the back): Being mentally ill isn't a quirky personality trait, and making a lifestyle and constant comedy show out of is never, ever going to solve your problems and make you feel any better. You'll still be miserable if you don't actually work on solving your issues because you're too busy letting them define you.

Depression is not an aesthetic. Anxiety is not a competition. Panic attacks aren't funny memes.

I'm not saying that you can't and shouldn't joke or laugh about your own problems. Humor can be a very cathartic thing, I'm the living example of it. But staying put in your depression, anxiety or whatever issues you're dealing with, and trying to make a comedy skit out of it every time someone asks you how you are, is only going to make you more comfortable and validated in your own misery. And there are way better places to be comfortable in than that. Trust me.

You are not your mental illness. You are not your disorder. Those things will never define who you are. They're a part of you, yes, but they aren't you. You will always be the one that calls the shots and you always, always have choice and hope on your side. Even when it feels like you are alone and being swallowed whole by the darkness, it is never too early or late to get help. It might feel insincere, it might feel terrifying and impossible. But it never is. That's exactly what your disorders and problems want you to think. But they are wrong.

I had to accept that too. I had to accept that, once again, I wasn't as special of a snowflake as my mental illness painted me to be. By doing that, it simply did what any mental illness does best: it isolated me even more. With every joke, every #relatable tweet, every "lol" behind yet another truly worrisome sentence, I sunk back further and further into the cocoon of loneliness. And, plot twist, you can't finger-gun your way out of depression. Sorry, babes.

So, every time you’re about to chuck out another "I wanna die lmao" in a casual conversation with friends or yet another self-deprecating tweet, just take a second to ask yourself: Is this really a way of coping? Is it really making me feel better? Or is it actually a subconscious, desperate attempt of getting someone, anyone, to see that I'm slowly breaking on the inside?

Again, I don't want this to come across as a self-help guide on how to battle your mental illness. Not at all. If anything, the reason I phrase this blog and all my entries the way I do, is because it's what I need to keep telling myself, every time I revert back to old habits. It's a reminder. For me and, in case you want it to be, for you too. I'm not here to lecture anyone. Well, maybe myself, a little. But everyone makes their own choices and I'm no one's guide or saviour, nor do I want to be. However, I made a promise to myself to really commit to this blog thing, so here I am. I'm my own harshest critic, always have been, so if anything, this is a call out post for my own self-deprecating habits.

Receiving that message from my friend made me realize that even though I would have never admitted it to myself at the time, all those tweets and casually dropped “I’m gonna kms haha lol”s were nothing but very badly disguised cries for help. I was just too much of a coward to admit that to myself. Okay, maybe coward is a bit of a harsh word. I don’t want to diminish my fear or vulnerability just because I know the reason for it now. It’s just that looking back at my own denial, and still sometimes catching myself in moments where I slip back into this behaviour, makes me want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake me until I snap out of it.

Which is why I’m just going to do this through my blog now – for past, present and also future me: Get it together. Stop yourself in your own tracks when you’re about to word-vomit up another cryptic tweet or self-deprecating joke. Instead, talk to a friend. Type up a text. Call someone. Schedule a therapy session. It's always gonna help, way better than forcing out a laugh about something that is in no way a laughable matter. Reaching out is not going to fix everything immediately, but in the long run it will. And that's what we're in for, after all.

You can ask any of my friends and they will tell you that whenever they express feelings of insecurity about sharing their worries to me, I will be quick to stop them in the middle of their sentence to tell them that they can, and always should, talk to me. About any- and everything, be that day or night. It is something that I have been preaching for God knows how long, and I genuinely mean it, too. So, I’ve kind of just been a huge hypocrite by never listening to my own advice. And I knew that. Deep down, I always knew that I was ignoring the exact thing I kept telling the people I loved to do too. And what can I say, I hate being a hypocrite.

I’m not saying that any of this is easy. Hell, it can be the hardest God damn thing ever, especially when you’re as emotionally repressed and inept as I am most of the time. And yes, venting and shit-posting about how much you’ve been crying all day or how much you “hate your own life” might work as a quick fix to let off some of that frustration steam. But it’s never going to actually repair the underlying issues that cause you to feel this shitty in the first place. The only thing that’s gonna do that, is actually talking to people. Whether that is family, friends or a therapist, doesn’t matter. Because other than an Instagram story that disappears after 24 hours, or a tweet that has a 280-character limit, real life people who care about you will actually take the time to listen, say something in return, and provide the comfort and open ear no social media platform or meme ever could. You know that. And I know that too. 

So, I want to try and quit lmao-ing my way through life and instead do what I actually, secretly know I am trying to do anyway with all those self-deprecating attempts at morbid comedy: ask for help. No lol’s needed.