#i fucking love you gary but saying you look old as a joke and accidentally getting you to take your party hat off did some cocomelon shit
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Beggin’
(Broadchurch) Alec Hardy x Reader
Synopsis: Alec has no concept of time and barges in Y/N’s house to investigate. Shenanigans ensue.
Tags: smut, fluff, established relationship, face riding/sitting, oral sex (f receiving), slight praise, no beta we die like his heart
She'd just come out of the shower, hair up in a half hearted bun. Y/N was exhausted, the current case was on her mind. A murder, that was evident. The victim was an old woman in her home, a single gunshot to the chest and her house ransacked. But it didn't look right.
As she changed into some comfy short shorts and an oversized Elvis Presley t-shirt, she visualized the scene in her head. It just wasn't right. She remembered a little purple jewelry box up near the dresser, and it didn't appear to be opened. She made a mental note to check that out, along with the neighbors alibi and how sound could transfer in a duplex.
Of course she knew when she agreed to be a Detective Sergeant that it was going to be time consuming, that this career would become you to an extent. And she wanted that. After she accidentally stumbled into this career and saw her first scene, she knew that was what she wanted with her life. But she hadn't realized that that would mean when she does even the most basic functions, her brain would be so wholly preoccupied. She took her hair out, brushed her teeth, pulled the covers down then went to turn out the lights before climbing into them. And all throughout it, she was speculating about silencers and times of death.
Her head had barely hit the pillow before she heard a banging at her front door. She laid there for a moment, contemplating her options. It was either some tragedy has happened or some idiot come to hurt her. And quite frankly she knew she could hold her own. Y/N wasn't a fool, she wasn't going to go answer it without precaution. She quickly went and retrieved a bread knife from the kitchen before going to the door.
The knife was in position when she opened it. Instead of finding some craved criminal, or even some sobbing family member, she found her boyfriend/boss with a box of papers.
"Alec? It's one in the morning."
His eyes narrowed at the sight of her. He looked tired, but he did always look just a little tired. His hair was messed up and his beard just a touch scruffy.
"I don't trust Anderson."
"What?" She asked. He didn't answer as he walked into her house and deposited the box of files on her kitchen table. She didn't mind Alec coming over, hell she loved the chance to see him, but this was all a little unprompted for her.
"Y/N, didya get anything on Imogen Walker? I don't like her. I also don't like this bloke, who does he think he is? Fucking hell," Alec started pulling stuff out to work on.
Y/N wanted to protest, but she also knew that she wasn't going to get much sleep even if she tried. This was at least productive and she got to spend time with him. She grabbed a blanket from the living room, wrapped it around herself, and sat down at the table.
"Imogen has a few misdemeanors but nothing of this caliber, nothing that would suggest murder." She said, "As for Gary, he did have a stay in the hospital back in his twenties for mental illness. I requested the documents for the diagnosis and behavior during the stay but they probably won't come in until later today or tomorrow. I think you need to focus on her niece, her alibi is shaky at best."
If Y/N focused on DI Alec Hardy's face, she might have seen the shadow of a smile on his lips that he quickly hid with other possible motives and questions. He'd never say so, but he loved these moments. The times when he could share what he was truly passionate about with someone that he truly loved ... Those moments were the best. All he would need was Daisy cracking jokes in the corner for this moment to be complete.
It was long after the sun came up before Y/N finally decided to make some tea for the two of them. She told Alec who grumbled a one worded response she didn't bother to try and understand. Maybe it was Alec or the case, but she strangely wasn't tired. Her mind kept whirling with all the possibilities and she enjoyed the time with Alec.
"Y/N! Do you have the SOCO reports from the car in there?" Hardy called to her. "I need to call -"
He stopped, looking at her from above his glasses, his lips still perched out from his words that fell forgotten. She gave him a strange look, placing the two cuppas down on the table then passing him the SOCO report he'd wanted. Yet he still stared, didn't even bother to say a word. "Hardy?"
DI Alec Hardy was not a man of many words, but when he needed to use words he always had the right thing to say. Or at least he believed it to be the right thing to say. But now, in a moment when words would definitely be helpful, he had nothing. He just stared like a man gone wild. Y/N didn't even know what he was staring at, and she shifted awkwardly on her feet. Which drew extra attention.
"Alec? What're you looking at?"
He seemed to snap out of it, shoving his glasses up his nose and glancing back down at the paper. Y/N didn't know what to make of it, but thought perhaps he was exhausted. She pulled the kitchen chair to her, putting a leg on either side so she could rest her chest on the back of it while she read. And yet again, she looked up to see his warm brown eyes trapped on her and her body.
"Alec?" He didn't answer. "Alec! What's going on?"
Alec adjusted in his seat and said calmly, "nothing."
"Bull."
"Nothing is wrong. Can we continue?"
She felt silly for a moment, maybe she was exaggerating. Then she propped a leg on the chair and she saw his eyes wander again. Okay enough was enough. "Alec, what the hell?"
"Y/N-"
"Oh ho, don't Y/N me to try and get out of answering my question. What's got you looking at me at all weird?"
A pink started to spread on his cheeks and ears, but he looked away. No way, she thought. There's no way 'shitface' just blushed. Yes they'd been dating and she knew he was more than that nickname, but sometimes the occasion calling for it. Like when was blushing early in the morning for no reason, and she'd never seen him blush unless they were making love. Oh. Oh. Her eyes widened, and she felt a little smile on her lips. She stood up slowly, watching the way he tried to fight his gaze from following after.
"Alec, anything you want to tell me?" Y/N went and sat down on the edge of the table in front of him. He swallowed.
"Don't laugh."
"Darling, I would never laugh."
He rolled his eyes and looked away, not having the strength to say it while looking at her. He swiped his glasses off and groaned. "I... those shorts. I really like those shorts."
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. That was not quite the answer she was expecting. "The shorts?"
"Your thighs, they... I like seeing them."
Her mouth fell open in a little o, adjusting her legs slightly as though thinking about them meant she had to move them. He likes her thighs, enough to distract him from work. Alec saw this reaction and immediately flushed darker, "you think I'm stupid."
"Gosh, no, no, no not at all," she said, "I just didn't know."
He still seemed embarrassed. Alec grabbed his glasses and shoved them back on his face, going to grab his work again. But Y/N felt bad, she certainly hadn't meant it like that, she would never shame him for something in the bedroom. She just wanted to know. And she found it very sweet that he found her so attractive. It made her feel sexy.
With a gentle touch she made him set his paper down. He looked with wide eyes. Y/N moved with slow, deliberate movements so Alec could take the time to digest it all. She carefully climbed onto his chair until her thighs were straddling him in his seat, though she hovered above him. She could see his adam's apple bob up and down as she placed her weight on him, leaning forward to take his glasses off. They were so close she could feel his warm breath on her cheeks. She smiled, "hi."
His large hands came to rest on her thighs almost instinctively, squeezing the flesh there. From under her, she could feel the hard length of his cock pressing against his pants. It made her rock her hips just slightly to meet it. He let out a hiss, grip tightening. She quite liked him holding her there, the way he ran his hands down the length of her thighs with a tight grip. He cherished them.
"Y/N..." he murmured, eyes half shut as he lifted a hand to cup her jaw. She leaned in and captured his lips with her own, exploring the kiss and grinding against his hips as he branded her with his touch. She always loved the feeling of his kisses, the way he fell into her touch like it was instinctual. His jaw was always delightfully scratchy and she loved to run her fingers along his beard.
When they broke and their foreheads fell against each other, each gasping for breath, he spoke softly. "Darling.. I have a request."
Alec didn't often ask for much in the bedroom. Y/N certainly wasn't trying to prevent him, he just tended to stay quiet. So she pressed a soft kiss to his scratchy beard and nodded for him to continue. He swallowed nervously before continuing, "I've this fantasy. I've only had it for you."
Alec got embarrassed sometimes when talking about sex. Oh sure, he was great during the act. But he always treated any fantasies or ideas as something stupid and silly. But Y/N didn't think that, she wanted to make it pleasurable for the both of them. If he was willing to do things for her, then she would be willing to do things for him. In a voice that came out far huskier than she intended, she said, "I want to hear it."
"I, I want you to sit on my face."
Her eyebrows shot up and she pulled away to look at him, to check that was what he wanted. His flush got darker and he tried to turn away, but she grabbed his face before he could. The corner of her mouth quirked up, "Alec Hardy, even in your fantasies you want to go down on me. Are you sure that's what you want?"
He nodded vigorously, his gaze intense. She nodded an affirmation and got off, offering a hand for him to take as she guided him into the bedroom. "Tell me where you want us."
Alec nodded. He began to take off his clothing, tossing them on the chair in the corner. Then he got onto the bed near the headboard and told you to strip as well. Here came the part he got excited about, even if excited for Alec meant a pair of wild eyebrows lifted high.
Now naked, Y/N went from the edge of the bed and crawled up to him, showing off her assets. He took a deep shaking breath. She situated herself so her cunt was right above Alec's head, thighs already shaking slightly but she was determined to stay above. Then she felt his hands grab at the back of her thighs, pulling her down.
"Alec!" She squealed, "I can't! What if I hurt you?"
"Hurt you?" He asked in an incredulous way, as though the thought was the furthest thing from his mind. "How could you hurt me?"
"My weight on you.."
He answered what he believed to be a silly question with a silly answer, and dragged her down squarely on his mouth. She laughed a little as she settled, but his hot tongue on her clit was enough to distract her to silence. Well, not silence, but certainly not laughter.
This was a sensation unlike any she'd had. Alec had gone down on her before and it was bloody fantastic, she always left panting and delirious with pleasure. But this seemed to open a whole new wave of sensations. He came into it with a crazed intensity, yearning to taste every part of her he could. His touch was everywhere, hot as it skimmed over her skin and seared her. His lips were plush as they parted to let his tongue slide along her folds, tasting her. That delightful beard was going to cause a rash tomorrow morning but she didn't care as she rocked her hips to meet his tongue's ministrations.
She tasted like sweat and sex and everything good in the world, if he could bottle it up he would. Though in the back of his mind he knew Y/N worried about crushing him with her weight, it was that sensation of being fully engulfed by her that he was so attracted to. Those burning thighs were right by his head, holding him there and clenching with each stroke of pleasure. He held onto them tightly, letting her know just how much he enjoyed it. It was better than just regular oral, it was deeper and intimate. One look up at her was enough to make him shudder and hold her tighter. She looked like a goddess, head thrown back with those raspy little moans pouring from her. Her breasts heaved on her chest, begging to be touched. If he died then and there, with the image of her above him, he'd die a very happy man.
Y/N gasped his name over and over, rolling her hips and meeting his expert tongue. He was everywhere, scorching all of her. Alec’s touch was making her dizzy with pleasure and if she wasn’t careful she’d never leave her spot here. That coil inside of her started to tighten, twisting as tingles were sent all throughout her body. She could feel her orgasm coming, tightening and tightening until with a sobbing gasp she came on Alec Hardy’s tongue.
He never stopped for one second, just lapping at her oversensitive clit until he could feel her coming down from her high. Then he adjusted, helping guide her down his body so he was sitting and she was straddling him. She melted against his chest, head in the crook between his shoulder and neck, breaths uneven.
“Oh my god,” she said finally.
Alec kissed her forehead and rubbed her back, “thank you, darling.”
She gave him a thumbs up, “you tell me all your fantasies, love, because holy fuck.”
Alec nodded, “duly noted.”
“Shut up,” she said, burying her face deeper into him with a smile.
#broadchurch#broadchurch fanfiction#i’m happy the 12 of you who read broadchurch fics will enjoy this#alec hardy#alec hardy x reader#alec hardy fanfic#Alec Hardy is shy and bad at asking for what he wants#but we love him anyway#no beta we die like danny#damn that’s harsh#fanfic#shenandoah I long to stop Becca from reading this fic#no one will get that reference but them and if you do get it I swear you do not know me in real life#I don’t exist I am a figment of your imagination like Alec’s mental health#we don’t exist
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the adventure zone: graduation character list
Well, i accidentally deleted the original graduation character list post, so here i am making another one. Oops. And as always, if anyone has important details i should add then feel free to suggest them!
Here are all the characters introduced in episodes 1-25. Named characters only!
Also i can’t hide spoilers! So, um..... I can’t put spoilers on this one. If you need the version with spoilers try this version of the post that i made on the adventure zone subreddit but youre not missing out on much.
# -EPISODE 1- (19 characters)
Hieronymous Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Hero/Villain school. at least 400 years old. wears shining blue armor with gold accents. also an elf. according to Tomas, he led the charge at the "battle of blood valley", brought the Kingdoms of Rickart and Dawnbreak to a peace treaty, and founded the school. a little boastful, a little prideful, [SPOILERS OMITTED], and overall a pretty good dude.
Higglemas Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Sidekick/Henchperson annex, cranky old elf. has a dog named hero who shows no signs of anything strange at all, ever.
Gary (he/him): friendly room gargoyle. pseudo-hivemind.
Groundsy (he/him): the groundskeeper. a pretty nice fellow. don't go in his shed.
Hernandez (he/him): beautiful centaur professor of animal handling.
Jimson (he/him): human battlegrounds trainer for sidekicks/henchpeople, world famous featherweight champion, wields a staff. married to crushman.
Crushman (he/him): silver dragonborn with a sickle, and self-described beefy boy! heavyweight blood champion married to jimson. never lost a match for 8 years. full name Frostus Crushman.
Rolandus Fontaine (he/him): former prince, son of deposed king, kind of an asshole, maybe. wears a cape (important detail)
Zana (she/her): "terrifying" tiefling villain sorcerer, friend of rolandus. barkept the test tavern in ep2
Rhodes (she/her): hero ranger, friend of rolandus.
Buckminster Eden (he/him): hero guy. son of "The Iron Lord". their dad is stronger than rolandus's dad. his wiki page says rogue so i think hes a rogue? i never caught that and ive listened more times than i wish i did
Leon (he/him): softspoken buff, bald "fighter" (although i dont remember any clarification on how exactly he fights), sidekick of buckminster, around 28. anyone else keep forgetting he's bald? i keep forgetting it. >!gets sorta-drafted into becoming a falcon for higglemas and so far hasn't done much else.!<
Rainer Michelle (she/her): cheerful villainous necromancer with a floating chair. also, her name is pronounced "rainier" despite not being confirmed as such? travis ships her with fitzroy.
Tomas (he/him): human man with "kind eyes" and a good (psychic???) memory. guidance counselor.
Stewart LeBoeuf (he/him): brawny human man. serves food. there is no joke here, i promise
Mulligan (he/him): teaches potions. mentioned but doesn't appear yet. and we're like 25 episodes in. maybe we'll see him someday
Germaine, Victoria, Rattles (he/him,she/her,???/???): Skeleton crew. They live in the training room i guess, and as a result can never die, because "no one dies in the training room!" (note: someone now HAS to die in the training room). also their races are never explicitly stated but i guess they're probably human? in episode 3 travis brings up something about how many bones are in "the human body" and at this point i think i'm looking too deep into this so i'll just forget about it and you probably should too.
# -EPISODE 2- (9 characters)
Riveau (he/him): halfling, blame-taking teacher.
Mimi (they/them): gnome sidekick who builds cool robot prosthetics
Bartholemus (he/him): owl aarakocra accountant teacher, known for being the best accountant in the land and having a face some might describe as "smoochable". very pro capitalist :’( hope he gets better
Ramos (she/her): goliath teacher of shieldwork. *
Dip (she/her): sidekick, half-orc twin of pip
Pip (she/her): hero, half-orc twin of dip
Festo (they/them): fairy with "beautiful gossamer wings", independent study teacher of magic, loves to party
Snippers (he/him?): Let me tell you my story about Snippers the magic crab. When Travis gave the list of animals that Griffin could choose as Fitzroy's familiar's current form, he listed crab near the start, and this gave me excitement. Now i knew that crab was pretty unlikely but god i hoped that he would choose it. When the list went on- Bat, Cat, Crab, Frog, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Poisonous Snake, Fish, Rat, Raven, Seahorse, Spider or Weasel- I nearly lost hope. I was hoping so hard that Griffin would choose the crab, but i was ready to accept a non-crab familiar. It was just buried in that list. It wasn't the most useful animal and it was an obscure pick. And as Travis informed him that it didn't have to keep the form for the whole campaign, Griffin said those five words i wanted to hear so, so badly. "Well then it's a crab." Folks, I do not often react physically when something happens in media. But in that moment, i remember very clearly, i fist-pumped and yelled, "YES!!!!!!"
so anyway, Fitzroy has a crab.
Jackle (he/him): kenku teacher of sneakery. creepy dude. apparently knows something about argo? also his name is not spelled "jackal" for some reason. Also in later episodes theyve started calling him "The Jackle" for some reason??? *
# -EPISODE 3- (1 character)
Dakota (they/them): tavern instructor, clad in black/red leather. no race stated? probably human. *
# -EPISODE 4- (6 characters)
Gerry & Tom (she/her, he/him): shopkeepers at barns and nobles who seem to have very bad names. also constantly competing for customers? these guys got dropped faster than the heathcliff quests, which is honestly just sad.
Barb (she/her): the bartender. runs Springs Eternal in Last Hope. has a sweet seeing-eye hawk familiar.
Jaryd Reginald (he/him): owner of Reginald Ore. Wants the workers to be held responsible for the damage caused by the xorn. (fun fact: originally i wrote down "Jerrod" because i wanted it to sound like a fantasy name, then realized it was probably "Jared" because theyre named after listeners, but i was pleased to find it confirmed that it's actually "Jaryd")
Candice (she/her): A Miner. thought those werent allowed in bars but, i guess not. Wants the mine owner to be held responsible for the xorn's damage.
Jade Johnson Esq. (she/her): lawyer.
# -EPISODE 5- (1 character)
Xorn: a big hungry gem eating guy from the plane of earth Low-Down Deep with 3 arms and 3 legs. why did travis just say "multi-armed" instead of specifying it was 3? who knows! Anyway it leaves
# -EPISODE 6- (3 characters)
Osric (he/him): the man, the myth, the bursar. finally shows up after being mentioned in episodes 2 and 4. he's an elf.
breeze through the willows (she/her): Pegasus attacked by demons, lost her parents. introduced in ep1 but gets a name here so fuck it. also in ep>!16!< we find out shes a "white arabian pegasus" and i dont think thats a spoiler bc we shouldve really known it from the beginning
Sabor (he/him): Librarian/research teacher. also a TORTLE. Really good at recalling stuff, i guess. kinda reminds me of Tomas's memory thing but i'm sure that's just a coincidence... *
# -EPISODE 7- (1 character)
Mosh (he/him): The goliath blacksmith who welcomes argo into the unbroken chain. Also, and this is specific to the tumblr version of this post, all the characters with an * at the end of their descriptions are also members of the unbroken chain. if someone knows how to do spoilers on tumblr please tell me
# -EPISODE 8-
:)
# -EPISODE 9- (2 characters)
Eeiïäá#æ&éñn (pronounced like "Ian") (he/him?): an imp but without a shitty voice. also happens to not be violent. what a coincidence?
Terence (he/him): a chain devil with a real demonic name. minor boss of the imps. very convincing and very threatening. has the frightening ability to make you zone out during his fight
# -EPISODE 10- (2 characters)
Althea Song (she/her): elf with autumn-orange hair. representative from heroic oversight guild. i'd like to personally thank travis for spelling her name out.
Crabtree (she/her): Artificing teacher. Long gray hair with a long grey beard. no mentioned race, one might guess dwarf but that would be an assumption i suppose. also unbroken chain member, presumably the dwarf argo didn't recognize in episode 7.
# -EPISODE 11- (3 characters)
Marie (she/her): Grey-haired elf woman. She's the school's physician, i guess. Member of the unbroken chain.
Dendra Maplecourt (she/her): Fitzroy's mom. Has hot mint gum, i guess. She was mentioned earlier but i wasn't convinced she was a real person until this episode
Cool Gary (he/him): AYY ITS ME GARYR
# -EPISODE 12-
no new characters again!
# -EPISODE 13- (7 characters hhhyyyuu)
Kale (???/???): Head of the Placement Department, in charge of real world assignments. First mentioned in Ep4 but i missed that the last few times bc it is so brief. Gives exposition about missions i guess????? is that the only reason this chara cter exists
satyr thief (unnamed) (he/him): tries to rob thundermen, dies instantly
Ogre (he/him): teamed up with the satyr. his name is ogre.
Moon (he/him): A Sidekick. small pale sullen guy. no mentioned race. Why is there another FUCKING sidekick WE HAD ENOUGH hhhyuuuuuu
Deanna (she/her): A bigoted centaur with an obnoxious voice. Malwin the Strong's second in command.
Malwin the Strong (she/her): Leader of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Wants to appease the spirit of the scarlet woods so that thecentaurs of the scarlet woods will be protected in the scarlet woods. Had a relationship with Arturas in the past but their clashes are currently known to get pretty heated.
Arturas (he/him): Leader of the Centaurs of the Valley, i guess. Had a relationship with Malwin. Centaur. Did i mention centaur? i cant think of anything else about this character
# -EPISODE 14- (2 characters)
Calhain (he/him): Human wizard, Malwin's magical advisor. Kind of an amateur wizard in a job high above his skill level. Graduated Wigginstaff's as a hero.
Spirit of the Scarlet Woods: A spirit who requires sacrifice in order to keep Malwin's herd safe and prosperous. Not keen on dubiously canonical combos, i guess. i wouldnt be either. also apparently the sacrifice depends on personal value, not how much value it has to the spirit.
# -EPISODE 15- (2 characters)
Sylvia Nite (she/her): Fitzroy's magic theory teacher at knight night school, who he turned into a catfish by accident. oops!
Chaos (they/them, maybe more): Presumably a deity, gave Fitz his powers and wants him to give in to his chaotic desires. (physical desc: 9 foot tall, iridescent 'mother of pearl' skin, pure white eyes, fine burgundy cloak with gold/onyx lining. their physical form beyond that seems to change every time they show up.)
# -EPISODE 16-
none -w-
# -EPISODE 17-
some demins happened. the big dudes are called "Pit Fiends" and the armored demon ladies are called "Erinyes", by the way. that was incredibly hard for me to figure out the first time, especially without headphones, i thought travis was saying "pig feet" and i just could not discern what the other things were
# -EPISODE 18- (6 characters)
snow on the mountain: shire horse pegasus
storm at sea: peruvian paso pegasus, vehement defender of The Guardian. doesn't have a goofy voice.. but he could have....
thaw of the spring: a winged horse
night of no clouds: a winged hhorse
The Guardian: "An ancient and powerful being that guards the unknown forest." Has protected the flock from demons for many many years. apparently is the voice that was talking to our firbolg in episode 1?
Grey, the Demon Prince (he/him): wants to cause a war, originally wanted to kill hiero and higgs, forces the heroes to build an army to fight his. As "Fauxronimous", he has skin the *color and pattern of* (but not necessarily made of) slate splashed with liquid, pointed ears, sharp teeth, shining eyes, horns of unspecified shape. 12 fucking feet tall. wonder if the slate-looking skin is related to garys. plot twist detected? Also i recently looked at the episode descriptions and found out his name is spelled "Gray", but really does it truly matter?
# -EPISODE 19- (2 characters)
Shabree Keene (she/her): Argo's mom, killed on the Mariah, possibly by the Commodore. Long auburn hair, green eyes. Mentioned earlier but described here, so fuck it.
**Thomas** (he/him): Argo's first mate on the Mariah, as the Kraken, in his chaos-dream. may or may not actually exist.
# -EPISODE 20- (1 character)
The Commodore (he/him): Reknowned hero of the seas, military regalia, great naval hero, presumably responsible for the death of Shabree Keene. No mentioned race. Seriously, they never mention this guy's race. The only thing described about him is how he's dressed and his evil smile. Does that mean he's human? Elf? Dwarf??? Who knows! maybe it just doesnt matter.
# -EPISODE 21-
none
# -EPISODE 22-
not any of them. not any.
# -EPISODE 23- (1 character)
Ozymondelius (sp???) (it/its): A warforged teacher who just so happens to like war or something? i guess its in the name. only mentioned in this episode, doesnt show up yet.
# -EPISODE 24-
they have a fight in the training room but nobody dies :\\ maybe next time. also no new characters. pog
# -EPISODE 25- (4 characters)
Gherkin (he/him): Tall lankier skeleton, has a scimitar and a merkin, which is a pubic wig... and he wears a jerkin? which i guess is a kind of coat? also i think hes mute
Tibia (she/her?) : Shorter skeleton with gold teeth, and long canines. i think both of the skeletons are mute actually.
The Lich King aka Gordy (he/him): Rainer's dad. Commands armies of the undead. lives in The Crypt. described as a hooded, skull-faced man with intricate black lines on his face, but changes to a shaved-head man with dark skin and vetiligo. Abandoned as a babby, raised by traveling parents, had necromancy powers, took Rainier in. Not actually very scary at all i don't know why he did the creepy laugh. Kind of a warm fatherly figure actually. hm. also people are speculating Gordy might be short for Gordita and his parents are maybe supposed to be lup and barry but THAT S JUST A THEORY.
our firbolg's father (he/him): A firbolg who lived by the code and was there when our firbolg was banished. Came to respect our firbolg's interest in a new way of life, in his final moments.
TOTAL: 72 NPCS! (well, including 2 extra PCs, i guess.)
Average: 2.88 NPCs per episode.
i was gonna not include the bone-PCs and have it be 69 but our firbolg's dad was just too important to not respect with a spot on the list.
anyway as always make sure to smack me with a blunt object if i forgot any characters!!!!!
#the adventure zone#taz#taz: graduation#taz g#sir fitzroy maplecourt#argonaut keene#taz firbolg#i dunno what else to tag this with#text post#keatposting
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Temporary list of my stories and OC’s until one day I make a comprehensive and well made list:
Blinded:
Polli: My oldest OC and fun fact was my persona till she become edgy and I wasn’t 12 anymore. Everyone’s favorite yes yes I’m aware. Yellow, energetic, eats dirt and bugs, I can’t tell if she’s evil because of a wisp possession or just crazy. Breaks the 4th wall. Is she a Mary Sue???????? Who knows.
Melody: NOT Polli’s girlfriend despite Polli’s delousions. Has an abusive mom :(. Only has one eye and then no eyes and then robot eyes or smthn idk she becomes a badass when she gets older. But otherwise trembling in her shoes all the time.
Melodys Mom/Sharren: Bitch. Okay well all I’ll say is she’s old and grumpy and probably smells bad.
Louise: Total hotty, rich kid, FtM, got bullied as a kid for his weight. Had a squad of fans basically in high school. Lived with his mom after his parents got a divorce but his mom was semi abusive, projected her femininity onto him, and wouldn’t have been supportive of his transition, so between middle and high school he went to live with his dad and got his sex change and testosterone. His best friend in elementary and middle school stopped talking to him after his transition, and became his competition for the most attractive and sought after boy in school (except Louise is a sweetheart while his friend Tommy is a dick and really gross) His dad runs a company that specializes in technology, and after meeting and falling in love with Melody (even after all her abusive trauma and losing both her eyes) he has his dad and some of the developers create a way to get her vision back and I mean honestly I love him how could you not love him he’s so perfect.
Watching:
Fick: Big nerd boy with thick glasses. I feel like he’d use Reddit but don’t quote me on that. Big crush on Vivinya. Boy don’t wander into the woods- oh look dead body with a curse on it don’t touch it- aaaand now he has a wisp that makes him kill people, way to go kid. Panic attack central.
Vivinya: True crime girl, yucky yucky. Probably had a knife collection. “uwu I’m insane” except she actually is and starts using Fick to kill people for her and treats him like her “Yandere boyfriend” or something cringe and gross oh god. She deserves jail. JAIL. Needs to learn guys need to give consent too. Just overall sucks 1/10.
Tommy: I mentioned him early to be Louises ex best friend and rival. He used to have a crush on Louise actually but that don’t excuse being a BITCH!!!! Also needs to learn people gotta give consent he is just as gross as Vivinya. Cheats on all the girls he gets with because he’s again, a bitch. Idk if he deserved to get murdered though I mean he was still a teenager but it’s fine. Thinks of the song Seventeen from Heathers actually this story does feel a tad reminiscent of heathers with vivinya being a crazy and wanting to off a bunch of students. Huh.
Suzannie: Tommy’s older sister who’s a detective. What a coincidence. Monotone and depressed. Probably because her little brother got murdered. Gets real awkward when she’s talking about her brothers murder(s) to Fick and Vivinya like “when I find who did this to him they’ll regret being born”. Kind of really pretty actually.
Adolescents (there isn’t actually a story here yet but don’t worry about it shhhh):
Nelson: HIMBO HIMBO H- Jock stupid idiot big dork god he’s so awkward and his main personality trait is having a crush on Naomi and being a dork when talking to her. Probably could benchpress you.
Naomi: Gamer or something and a nerd geek. Her main personality trait is having a crush on Nelson and also being a dork when talking to him. Probably a weeb and fandom dweller. Can’t draw but she commissions artists to draw. She does write copious amounts of fanfiction though.
Andrés: Ohhh the school bad boy babyyyy. Baseball bat with nails in it or something. There’s like... A thing between him in Charlotte and he wants to be a thing but she’s being difficult and makes it hard to talk to her or about her and ugh.
Charlotte: Princess, high school princess. She’s actually pretty nice when you get to know her- but she’s a diva. Ballerina after school. Best friends with Naomi and doesn’t know what she’s talking about when she mentions ships or OTPs but she listens anyways because she’s a good friend. There’s like... A thing between her and Andrés but she doesn’t know if she’s super into him but geez he’s really hot but she gets such mixed responses when she asks her friends about it and what if it doesn’t work outttt.
Marlon: They/Them but they’re okay with either pronouns they aren’t sure yet, he or she is okay... Box boy box boy. Autism... He doesn’t want to admit He’s attracted to men but he’s totally attracted to men. He lives alone which is probably illegal for his age but somehow he manages. Everyone thinks he’s “the quiet kid” and he’s really sad about it no don’t make jokes like that please guys ahh-
Sing for Me:
Kat: The color pink, addahadda(adhd), angry and loud and short. For being only like 10 and being an adorable little lesbian dressing in sparkly pink dresses she actually likes screaming a lot and would totally sing heavy metal if her producers let her. Loud and mad but gets so soft around her girlfriend. “If anything happens to Brie I’m killing everyone in this room and then myself”.
Brie: French... Birds and stuff. Loves her girlfriend even though she is so loud. So fast. So much. Likes to write pretty things. Is only like an inch taller than Kat. Filled with so much love for everything.
Elliot: The girls manager. Lots of coffee. Stressed out of his MIND please help this man. Probably gay. Seems like a smug dick but he is just a tall and lanky dork that loves puppies and wants nothing more than for Kat and Brie to be happy. Accidentally brands them as sisters and then Kat kisses Brie and- oh fuck oh shit oh no what has he done. Hides the fan and non fan responses from them. Poor guy.
Horror Hosts:
Ichabod: Hot demon who’s the son of the current ruler of hell or something. I mean he’s hot, smart, and royalty, what more do you want. I very specifically hear the dub voice of Kyoya Ootori from OHHC as his voice don’t @ me. Goat legs????? Yeah??? Don’t be rude.
Barnabie: Ohhhhhhhhh big orc teddy bear I’m crying I love him????? He puts up a more confident ploy and the given stereotypical personality orcs supposedly have but he’s just a shy boy that wants to give girls flowers and call boys pretty. Help him.
Garrison: Gary Burger. Fat hairy gay man. I mean werewolf. Wouldn’t it be funny if I made the whole werewolf thing backwards and made him transform into a HUMAN only on the full moon??? Party animal, pun absolutely intended. LOUD AND FUNNY he’s a dork. Bites. Horny on main Garrison please you’re supposed pamper and flirt with the guests but not quite that much.
Vincenzo: Token Vampire but he’s Italian because I felt like it. Talk and lanky of course. Bitch face. Blood coffee? Yeah lots of coffee. Tired. Let him sleep in Ichabod. Steps on people. Can summon and reanimate corpses but has a bitter attitude towards them because they get annoyed with him as much as he gets annoyed with- everyone else. He does have a soft spot but idk where it is. When he’s talking to guests he’s more suave and sexy though.
Kai: Genderfluid haha get it because slime fluid-... I’ll stop. Probably objectively the hottest because they can look anyway they want and shift their vocals to sound like almost anything, also probably objectively the best in bed (if you’re okay with the texture of Jell-o) and honestly come on save some for the rest of us it’s not fair. This boy can SING oh my god seranade me and whisper in my ear baby. Spunky and sassy.
Hallvor: BABY OCTOPOD BOY OHHHHH I LOVE HIM HE’S SO SWEET AND IS AN ANGEL DARLING BOY SO EMBARRASSED SO SHY SOFTEST VOICE OHHH- ohhh nooo he’s got a knife ohhhhh Hallvor baby don’t be like that ohhhh... Used to work in hentai actually (I wonder why) but quit because of immoral practices and good for him we love that. Okay he’s not actually a yandere or whatever but he DEFINITELY wants to squeeze you a little too hard and has those crazy eyes.
Carla: Main character of this OHHC monster clone. She sucks I don’t like her because listen listen she kills monsters as a living and when she tries to kill our boys here, Ichabod catches her and goes “no” but then the rest (not knowing her murderous intent) fall in love with her and Ichabod is like: “shoot well I’ll keep you alive and around but I’m watching you” and blah blah romance and feelings and character development and wow she seems like she’s grown to care about them... So Ichabod removes a curse he put to prevent her from harming them or leaving... AND THEN SHE STABS THEM ALL IN THE BACK IM CRYING. I mean she might have an extra reason for needing to kill them but I haven’t decided if I want to actually put it in the story yet so.
Fingertips:
Maria/Marianna: Was this goth angry chick and the head of these losers but after a failed heist, fire, and being betrayed and dropped from a window on a 3rd or 4th story down into flames, and going to the hospital and changing her name, she changed totally and become a soft pretty girl... And then the next three boys went “HEY BOSS WE FOUND YOU” and she went “oh no” and now she’s just an anxious wreck like “no no no no no I don’t shoot people in the face anymore no no no no no” And has a fear of hands. Also was Diamontés best friend in primary school and yes all these characters went to the K-12 school all the other characters do/did. Pretty voice. The story is mostly about her being anxious around all the other characters because who was it that betrayed her and dropped her into the flames below? Find out next week on th-
Nikki: He’s that character that you see and immediately go “oh he’s gross and is angry and is a bitch” and you’re right he is and has a cockney accent and screams a lot and probably swings a knife around a lot, but he’s got a sweet interior (somewhere in there... somewhere) Screamo heavy metal. Him and the rest of these character briefly talked about having a band and then they didn’t and then at the end of the story they do and although he plays guitar mostly, if he does do lead vocals he screams a lot. Bitch.
Anthony: Pretty boy but like the “was in the army” pretty boy vibe. Probably played football in highschool. Pyromaniac. Punches Nikki a lot. Almost gives himbo vibes sometimes, almost. Kind of likes the old timey cozy aesthetic. Plays the piano sometimes but “oh I’m not very good at it” Plays extremely well
Diamonté: TALL. Purple goth boy aesthetic hellll yeahhhh. CRAZY EYES AND THEY SPEAK VOLUMES WATCH OUT. Drums. The scary kind of quiet because he just smiles at you. Crowbar. Okay but he’s actually really sweet though. Secretly loves watching Anthony and Nikki get into fights so that’s why he rarely puts a stop to it. I think he’s a sadist. Can be a gentle giant, but can also be a not so gentle giant. The only time he’s really talkative is after copious amounts of booze.
Unnamed/Undesigned 1: Literally a pimp and he’s pretty gross. Blonde hair and pink and white clothes.
Unnamed/Undesigned 2: Chick that likes to throw knives and be angry and threatens Marianna a lot but in a quiet and monotone way, Marianna is pretty scared and hopes that these are just shallow threats uhhhhh.
Unnamed/Undesigned 3: Sells guns (without a lisence of course) and wears a bandana over his face a lot. Tired. Grumpy.
Unnamed/Undesigned 4: Like Marianna, was cold hearted and cool but then got caught in the fire and got all soft. He only has one eyes but how sweet his eyepatch is a heart. Recoved along side Marianna and they are good friends good friends tha- wait Marianna are you going back with them oh god you can’t do that oh dear oh no oh-
(I don’t have a story or name for these two but they’re my comfort ship OC’s and my current hyper fixaction right now):
Rodriquéz: I literally designed him with almost all the traits I find attractive in a guy other than freckles so as you can imagine I find him super HOT. I also designed his personality on what I find attractive from a guy so as you can imagine I find him super GREAT. But anyways he’s grumpy and closed off and monotone and smug. I really could go on for hours about how I want him to step on me I’m so sorry guys. Both him and Samantha give the “21 and having immature fun” vibes. They’re a thing but they like going to bars together and splitting off and doing their own thing (or doing someone else’s thing if you get what I mean haHhahHhahGahGhaha-) But so help them if anyone doesn’t oblige by the “no” from one of these two, someone’s gonna get beat up.
Samantha: (She literally just my personality shhhhh don’t tell anyone it’s a secret) Bubbly, energetic, a little shy by extroverted, bombshell blonde or something? It took me way too much time and effort to design her but I’m really happy with how I finally designed her, I love her outfit. She could kick me in the face and I’d say thank you. Girly drinks at the bar. Got that trauma and anxiety™️ secretly though. Skips and jumps a lot. As I’m typing this I keep looking up at the drawing of her and more and more I would want her to also step on me.
(Space Story I don’t have a nice title for):
Unnamed/Undesigned 1: So... Funny story this story originally was with me and uh... My ex I guess... So I gotta replace the MC’s... Whoops ahaha... Awkward. But anyways the MC is a robot and a girl and is a slight tsundere or smthn.
Unamed/Undesigned 2: Has a space ship, works for this organization in space that protects the galaxy. Is cocky, lazy, sly, oblivious, and an idiot. The love interest- obviously. Probably accidentally committing space crimes. (Like space pirating hAHAHA-) Kind of cool when he wants to be.
Dandelion/Dandy: CAT. WITH A JET PACK. Kind of an asshole. Fun fact used to be Polli’s cat but then when the Second MC crash landed on earth she was like “fuck this noise I’m going with space boy laterz” (okay she can’t talk but she thought it).
Zizii: Lesbian alien? Yeah???? Okay but I mean her main character trait is being a dorky back alley doctor and engineer obsessed with the MC because they’re a sentient robot with emotions and a lazer arm and rocket boots WOW!!!!!!!!
Story I want to revive:
So I had a story I started writing a long time ago about this tech theatre kid that had a crush on this other theatre kid character, but in a play that other character has to kiss another person for the show, and as the story progresses the MC convinces themselves that it isn’t just a play and that their crush actually loves and is kissing that other kid. And in the play, that other character is supposed to die. Show night comes along and they die, but like actually, and by the hands of the MC (Idk maybe like a light falls on em or smthn). So it’s a grotesque scene the audience sees as just an act. (Mutters I dunno I think my idea’s cool...) So I’ve been wanting to design these characters and work more on the story but I’m busy being obsessed with Rodriquez and Samantha so. (And the Horror Host Club too I love them too still).
Other Characters that either don’t have a specific story or are kind of like background characters:
Jacqueiliquinne Merril: Sara Berry vibes from 35mm (go look up The Ballad of Sara Berry, maybe like an animatic idk the first one that comes up is nice) But otherwise rich, pretty, popular, bitch. Tries to like, steal Louise from his squad and it’s like bro that’s unnecessary who hurt you that’s so rude. She gives Nui from Kill La Kill Vibes too. Oh she knows her name is long and annoying but you have to say the whole thing.
Brianna: Jaqueiliquinne’s sister. Big titty goth gf??? She’s pretty popular too and kind of a bitch too but to a much lesser degree. Her and he sister throw hands a lot when no one is around, you know, “THEY GIRLS ARE FIGHTINNGGGG”.
The Louise Fan Club: 4 characters I haven’t named yet. One writes fanfiction of Louise and shares it with the others and with him sometimes and although he thinks it’s a bit weird he also finds it a tad endearing and supports her. One is an aspiring photographer and is constantly asking Louise to model for him. One is an artist and draws Louise all the time. And one is an aspiring musician who writes songs based of Louise’s relationships which again he finds a little weird but endearing and supports her.
The Jacquiliquinne Merril Fan Club: Genderbent-ish (I say ish because one of the characters is a little bit less defined gender wise) versions of the Louise Fan Club. Yes I’m lazy, and no they don’t get along with them, infact they hate each others club with a passion.
Unnamed/Undesigned: I wanna make some hacker kid just because I wanna have one.
Unnamed/Undesigned: I also really wanna have a super cutesy magical girl and then a really super duper generic boring character probably like star vs the forces of evil idk I never watched that show but it looks cute.
Me: I exist in the universe fukc you I can do what I want it’s my story and I get to chose the who also if you wanna be in the mess of a universe go ahead draw yourself with my OC’s I allow and encourage and appreciate it. I literally made the Horror Host Club as a sort of Harem story and you are absolutely allowed to make out with them if you’re a monster fucker DO it GO ahead it’s canon.
and that is ALL I have FOR now
Knowing me I’ll make like 12 more characters by July, and I mean I need more characters for the high school anyways so...
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Here Today
Summary: Beaver spotted the man first as he & Jonesy strolled towards Derry’s kissing bridge, hand-in-hand. He was hunched over himself in a way that had to be might uncomfortable. Beaver stopped his loud laughter when Jonesy let go of his hand. For safety.
They’d just bow their heads, walk past and maybe come back later to attend to their business if they saw fit. At least, that could have been the plan had Beaver not recognized the stranger.
Fandoms: IT & Dreamcatcher
Ships: Reddie, Jonesy/Beaver
Word Count: 3,708
There was a man with bad posture sitting on the kissing bridge.
A couple of things were wrong with him. Some were simply symptoms of a common cold (the cough, the stuffiness & the sneeze). But what was left (the breakdowns, the depression & sudden fondness for his hell-hole hometown) were signs of a problem much larger than that of a ‘sick-bug’.
The man with awful posture was re-entering a period of mourning. Like the time of the werewolf; the moon snuck up on Richie Tozier two nights ago and reduced him to a sad, hairy man. Slobbery too. But slobbery with tears.
Each of his loser’s club pals had reached out to him that morning. Their texts were loving & perfect but awkward (through no fault of their own). Who knew what to say to their best friend who’d never officially come out of the closet on the anniversary of the man he never got to confess his full-love to’s death? Hallmark didn’t have the best cards for that. Some. But not a lot.
Mike Hanlon had encouraged his Idea to come on down to Derry over the phone when he’d hesitantly pitched it. Once Richie told him about the carving, Mike told him to go on & head-out. Pay a sentimental visit instead of succumbing to his usual coping mechanism of crying & watching movies for straight men. ‘She’s Out of My League’ had been his original plan for the afternoon.
But sweet Mike was right, as he often was. So Richie negotiated a week off with his agent before the ‘real work’ in his schedule started. He came home...to the place where he’d grown-up...the place which housed some of his fondest and some of his most horrifying memories. It was that strange sort of balance that kept any feeling but numb at bay.
{R + E}
It had still been there, of course. He hadn’t expected any Derry hooligans' to scratch it off or some shit. But it was still sort of surreal to be back again. He traced his fingers along the thick, cut-open lines just as he’d done down the tender ripped skin of Eddie’s wound two years ago. He shouldn’t have been as squeamish this time, considering it was only carved wood not the yanked-open & festering skewer hole of his loved one (Ha! He laughed like a disturbed & deeply depressed Fozzy Bear at that one!)
That had been a little over twenty minutes ago but Richie still hadn’t left. He sat now at the edge with his legs hung over the side. Not completely ready to go back to his lonely motel room. He thought about the Losers having to pull him off Eddie’s body down in the sewers which eerily lead him to his Halloween costume six or so years ago...Tom Petty’s get-up in the ‘Mary Janes Last Dance’ Video.
He felt a sudden urge to vomit and cry at the same time. Because there was truly no way to avoid the pain. It would just have to hammer in his chest until it either passed or killed him. He couldn’t run from himself or his memories for very long. He felt a sick sensation of missing the time he’d first left Derry & was forced to forget everything and everyone. At least then...
No. He hated that he could even think about wanting that. He would just have to keep learning how to live without Eddie Kaspbrak. Shouldn’t be too damn difficult, huh?
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Beaver spotted the man first as he & Jonesy strolled towards Derry’s kissing bridge, hand-in-hand. He was hunched over himself in a way that had to be might uncomfortable. Beaver stopped his loud laughter when Jonesy let go of his hand. For safety. Derry was nowhere near as bad as it’d once been but you couldn’t be too careful when it came to displaying your sexuality in front of strangers, sadly.
Though still, the boys held love for their home-town. After all, it was the setting of their found family and nothing was more important than the good ol’ SSDD gang.
They’d just bow their heads, walk past and maybe come back later to attend to their business if they saw fit.
At least, that could have been the plan had Beaver not recognized the stranger. “Jesus Christ-Bananas!” he yippee’d in that voice Jonesy usually adored but was slightly annoyed by in the moment. “That’s Richie fucking Tozier!”
“A very distressed looking Richie Tozier.” Jonesy corrected, hoping they were giving the man enough space & privacy that he couldn’t notice them yet. He nver understood his boyfriend’s obsession with the guy. To Jonesy, Richie Tozier seemed like any other straight white comedian. “We should probably leave him alone, Beav.”
Beaver’s beautiful joy snapped into an accepted disappointment as he observed the man in front of them. Jonesy could see the ache to rush over was hard for him to hold back. It pained him just to see his boyfriend so deflated. Teased by such a great possible experience-
“I’ll be leaving soon, if that’s what you’re worried about!”
Came a sudden friendly & very Richie Tozier like voice. Beaver just about shouted as they jumped their eyes over to meet the stranger’s. He was tall and a little gangly with Buddy Holly glasses sliding down his nose.
“Actually we were just trying to decide which one of us was going to rob you...” Beaver chuckled awkwardly & so unlike him. “We were gonna do a coin toss for it.” He added before slamming his hand against his forehead (quite forcefully too). “That was a joke, sorry...a dumb joke...” He mumbled. Jonesy couldn’t hold back his amused grin but resisted his urge to pull Beav closer. Instead, he walked forward to their conversation ahead, an eager yet embarrassed boyfriend following him.
“You’re Richie Tozier!” Beaver repeated.
“Beaver’s a bit starstruck.” Jonesy smirked. “He gets this same way whenever he sees a famous comedian just chilling in our hometown.” He chuckled and pretended not to notice Mr. Tozier’s red eyes. He got the feeling---actually it was more than that, he could very well tell the man was caught between a rock & a hard place with the little...trick he & the gang each possessed.
“Hey, that’s ok with me.” He laughed & pushed his glasses up his nose. “Don’t see any paper...want me to sign a body part or something?” He joked and Jonesy knew exactly how Beaver would try and continue the joke so...
The taller friend slapped his palm over ‘Beavers’ mouth which made that squeaky old man laugh escape Richie.
“Gary Jones. You cane call me Jonesy.” The young man held out his free hand to shake in a charming gesture which said ‘We do this bit all the time’. It hit Richie right in the grief bone again.
“Joe Clarendon. But my friends call me Beaver.” And just like that, Beav’s confidence was back.
Richie noticed the way Jonesy practically glowed when his friend spoke. “Richie Tozier.” He felt the need to introduce himself, like an idiot, even though they obviously knew his name. “But you can just call me ‘your hero’, I guess.” He laughed at his own lame joke which seemed to make the Beaver-guy light up again.
He looked them up and down. They looked about twenty or twenty-one to Richie. Beaver was a short but made up for it in hair, which was long & hippie-like. He respected that. Most of his body up top was covered by a large Fonzie-Jacket & the bottom was all about the Doc Martens. Richie felt like he was looking at a bit of a modernized version of his younger self.
Jonesy was going for a much calmer look of a light-blue flannel and sneakers. They looked like quite the pair.
“What’s a guy like you doing in a town like this?” Beaver grinned, charm oozing so easily off him. One of the reasons Jonesy fell in love with him so quickly.
Richie chuckled, swiping his thumb under his nose. “Thought I’d visit my old stomping grounds.” He shrugged.
Jonesy shared a quick look with Beav as a feeling shot up his body. He got the idea through their...special talent that there was more to that story. And by the look of it, so did Beav.
“There’s no way you grew up here. I would’ve known that!” Beaver smacked a hand to his chest. “Jesus-Christ-Bananas!”
Richie quirked his brow at the Beav-ism & Jonesy briefly thought he might ignore it or roll his eyes like most strangers but instead...“Mary, Joseph & the whole fruit basket!” He shook his head. Beav looked like he might burst with respect and adoration. It was just about the cutest thing Jonesy had ever seen. “I can’t believe it myself sometimes.”
The Beav takes a toothpick from his new wooden container (a gift from Mrs. Cavell) and pops it between his teeth. He thought-no-he knew that Rich Tozier was doin’ a voice. Not an outrageous one like he sometimes did on stage but one that said ‘I’m alright. Doing just fine. Nothing to see here’ and all at once Beav felt a little bad for bothering him again.
“I ran around with a little gang of dorks.” He laughed, 100% sure he was about to dumb a lot of his tory onto these poor boys. Not all but some. “Lost one of them two years ago today...” He frowned and looked conflicted before adding “In the flood.”
The boys started to nod but where Jonesy felt a pinch of something wrong in his mind, Beaver started having a full-on attack about it. Like in the old days. Days of Grenadeau and Josie. Jonesy felt his boyfriend shaking and looked to see him trying to repress it to the best of his ability before lurching forward with a grunt that sounded painful.
Richie ducked down like he might try to catch him if he fainted but Beaver popped back up with sweat running down his temple.
‘What happened?’ Jonesy sent a message through his mind almost completely accidentally.
Beaver looked up, looking deeply deeply disturbed and scared. He’d seen images he could not for the life of himself comprehend. ‘Dark places. Large sharpened legs stabbing through somebody's body? Something like that. Screaming and...?’ He looked at Richie. “New shit today, Jonesy.” He felt vomit whirl up his throat but he swallowed quickly. “I saw a clown?”
Richie widened his eyes before vomiting over the edge of the bridge.
“Major gross-out!” Beaver whistled as he heard the plops of chunky puke hit the water. Jonesy looked a little green himself after Rich came up, wiping his mouth with general looking shock.
Beaver was about to make another kind of joke when he noticed the guttural growl the comedic-stranger made as his body lurched forward. He hoped the guy could catch his breath before he choked on any more reverse meals.
He stepped forward to offer him the bandana he kept in the jacket pocket but when they briefly touched hands, another sight hit him that was just as shockingly awful as the last-----
‘Beads of blood dotted the corners of Richie’s torn lips. Hands incapable of remaining clutched with the slickness of the sweat pooling in his palms. He had Eddie kneeling between his skinny legs who was trying to communicate something to him but the most Richie could think to do in those fatal seconds was to hope for a few things.
The kind of hopes that were important to someone at the delicate age of forty.
A large thump above his head made him flinch, Eddie’s fist briefly slamming hard under his chin. He fought back his pain filled yelp by clasping his palm over his wet mouth. His eyes darted wildly back and forth behind the minimal cracks on his glasses.
The second hand dirt that he’d gathered on his piss colored shirt was now having a wipe down of maroon.
Only the dye-job didn’t come from him. Rather, Eddie Kaspbrak who was now wailing above him as Pennywise waved him around like a magic wand.
The hair on the back of his neck stood. He popped his hand off the tight grip he’d had on his chin. The satisfying pop sound came with a small following gurgle. Gasps of choked breaths rushed out from his clotting throat.
But none of that mattered because the love of his life was being murdered right in front of him.
He screamed.’
Beaver screamed too. Not as loud but just as horribly pained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“So let me get this straight...” Richie paced back-and-forth on the bridge while Beaver & Jonesy tried to follow him, amusingly. They’d each given each other new and semi-honest backgrounds now. Richie’s was hard to understand without all the pieces but beyond crazy still. “You’re in a group of friends, from Derry-” He laughed like a crazy person. Beaver loved it. And oddly, so did Jonesy. “And you all have these...powers?”
Jonesy nodded, now walking in-pace with the older man. “You got it.” He chuckled.
“There’s five of us. How many do you have?” Beaver added, standing on his tip-toes.
Richie stopped moving. “There’s seven-” He paused. Thinking of the cruel way Stanley & Eddie had been taken away from them. “Five left though.” He looked like he wanted a cigarette so Beaver instinctively held out a tooth-pick.
When the comedian actually took it, Jonesy saw Beaver smile so wide it looked like it might break his gorgeous little face. For a moment the pair so alike just stared at each other. It was something of a little stand-off that Jonesy was about to question when a different thought popped into his brain. “Whoever died this day-?”
Richie slid down against the wood and sat. “Eddie.” His eyes glazed over for a moment before falling on tiny Beaver’s huge Doc Martens.
Jonesy swallowed, hoping yet knowing he wasn’t wrong. “Was he your...?” He licked his lips in thought. But Richie cut him off by looking back up with freshly-red eyes.
“Almost. Maybe.” He shrugged, rolling his toothpick to the other side of his mouth. “Slipped through my f-f-fingers-fuck. Starting to sound like stuttering Bill.” He laughed but the boys weren’t sure who that was.
The three of them were now sitting on the bridge together.
“He didn’t know. We left him down there and he didn’t even fucking know I was in love with him.” He sighed, not wanting to think about how weird the day was starting to become. “He was afraid of the dark.” He shrugged, holding the tooth-pick between his fingers, rolling it back-and-forth.
“Taste good like a cigarette should, huh?” Beaver mumbled after a few minutes and again Jonesy was sure that Richie wouldn’t appreciate that reaction but the man surprised him with a hearty laugh.
“It’s like the song says; I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. Seen sunny days that I thought would never end. Seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought that I’d see you again...” Beaver raised his tooth-pick, Richie followed without question & Jonesy raised his pinky finger.
“How’d you get to be such a funny kid, huh?” Richie quirked his brow.
Jonesy smiled. “Born that way.” He slapped Beav’s knee gently.
“Overactive imagination and anger issues.” Beaver pushed Jonesy back by the face and giggled when Jonesy just let him do it.
Richie watched the short little spitfire slap-fight his pal and felt sick to his stomach by how much the young man reminded him of himself...and of Eddie only with a tooth-pick holder clutched in his hands instead of the inhaler.
Jonesy felt a short breeze pass over them. “Beav brought me here to show me some carving he did when we were little.” He glanced at his boyfriend with extreme affection. Both knew Richie was safe now.
“Our initials in a heart!” Beaver whistled. “Because little Beav didn’t know how to express his feelings.” He mocked a sweet voice.
Richie laughed, chin to the sky. “You gotta be shitting me.” He leapt to his feet and gestured for them to follow him. Which they did without hesitation. “I came here for a reason today too.” He pointed towards his old carving with an unbelievable amount of pride and utter amazement. Another coincidence.
{R + E}
The younger men each stared at the carving with wonder and appreciation. Beaver kneeled down and traced it with his fingers just as Richie had done just a half-hour ago. Jonesy simply looked off with vague amusement as he threaded his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair, Richie supposed he wasn’t even aware he was doing it.
“My friend, Mike...Mike Hanlon. He thought it’d be good for me to come up here today just to...” He faded off to wave his hands about, not knowing how to finish. The boys looked up with happy looking grins.
“Mike Hanlon?” Jonesy shook his head with joy. “He was our childhood librarian.” His tongue ran across his lips & he was most surely seeing flashes of his childhood. And maybe feeling a bit like time was passing by too quickly.
‘Damn kid was barely twenty-one though’. Richie thought bitterly & fondly.
Beaver nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah. Nice guy. He helped me check out my Playboy’s that one time.” He stuck a thumb into Jonesy’s shoulder which was slapped away with amusement. His smile faded to an exaggerated grimace. “It was always weird to go there after that.”
Richie couldn’t help but laugh again with the jovial young men. It lasted about twenty seconds before it turned into hoarse sobs. He turned away from them, chest hurting. “Fuck, man! This is embarrassing as shit.” He managed a small chuckle through it.
Jonesy looked at him sympathetically, hearing all of Beaver’s thoughts of ‘I wish Henry were here’.
“SSDD, huh?” Jonesy did the best he could and took pride in himself when the man turned. “Same shit, different day.” He added.
Richie chuckled again, a beautiful one. “Yeah--yeah, I’ve heard it before.” He shook his head and leaned onto the railing. He genuinely looked cheered up by that simple phrase, sharing a private & entertained look with Beaver, who Jonesy would later call his soul-son.
“We should give you our other friend’s number, he’s studying to be a psychologist--”
“Psychiatrist, Beav.” Jonesy corrected.
Beaver shrugged, waving his hand. “Psychiatrist, whatever. He may be able to help your fragile mental state.”
Jonesy accepted just then that his boyfriend could never push too far when it came to Richie because the Tozier man recognized the Beav for what he was. And that would be someone very similar to himself.
It was strangely beautiful.
“What I saw was...” Beav faded off, eyes twitching. It was hard for him to put to words just how gut-wrenching the scene was. “Awful. I can’t imagine what you must have gone through or are going through.” He shook his head.
Jonesy nodded, rubbing a comforting hand down his boyfriend’s arm. “I only just felt it & I wanted to die.” He wondered if that was extremely rude to say.
Richie squinted. He was reminded of a younger Stanley Uris & his ability to see...to understand things past the other loser’s comprehension. He felt a strong urge to insist his losers come back down to Derry just to meet these home-visitors too. Maybe it was meant to be.
“It’ll be hard to get over the fact that my vision of Eddie & I getting together in my head....” He bit into his cheek “Well, it’s going to have to stay there forever.” He looked up at the happy former Derry citizens couple as they instinctively held each-other’s hands tighter. He nearly choked with jealousy. “I loved him for a few years, forgot him for a good twenty-seven more and now...” He waved his hand in-front of him in a tight spiral.
“You’re lonesome all the time since leaving your baby behind on Blue Bayou, huh?” Beaver flicked his tooth-pick. The sky grew a little bit cloudy over their heads and Richie Tozier burst into a fit of giggles.
“You could say that, kiddo.” He crossed his arms, looking ready to drop the subject all together now. “And I’m not gonna say anything more about that fucking clown before you ask.” Rich smiled, pointing a finger at Jonesy who truly was about to ask more about that creature the comedian briefly mentioned only enough to explain Beaver’s vision.
“I’ve made your nice little trip about me, sorry.” He added. “See, making people miserable is a talent of mine. I’m a great comedian in that way.” He rolled his eyes, standing up straight.
“You’d be better if you wrote your own material. I’d like to hear some jokes about that horrible trauma you talked about.” Beaver giggled as he bit hard into his toothpick. Richie burst into another fit of genuine laughter. “My trauma is the center of my comedy-” He smirked.
Jonesy frowned, thinking of the past and of men like Richie Grenadeau who they had once dreamed dead. He softly pinched the back of his boyfriends palm. If Tozier could keep some cards close to his chest, so could they. At least for now.
“Ow! Bitch-in-a-Buzzsaw!” Beaver whipped his hand back and sucked on his skin like a child. Jonesy tried not to giggle as Richie looked on with confusion.
He shrugged in response. “I just-”
“Nah, I got it.” He waved a hand from his temple to the vague direction of Jonesy’s. “We don’t have to tell each other everything. Hell, we’re still strangers.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked off in the direction of his carving.
“But soon to be best friends.” Beaver added, breaking his lips free from the moist spot on his hand. Richie and Jonesy had a nice shared laugh at the charming boy.
They walked a ways up the bridge to see Richie Tozier off, in some silent agreement. Jonesy felt a rush of disappointment pass through him but it was quickly squashed by the eagerness he had for his date with Beaver.
As the group walked him over the bridge, Jonesy caught sight of little Beaver’s old carving...in the shape of a heart...
{B + J}
#idk#i dont think i did a good job with this#i tried but#ahhhh#dreamcatcher#Stephen kings IT#reddie#beaver/jonesy#richie tozier#eddie kaspbrak#Gary Jones#beaver clarendon#dreamcatcher (2003)#IT by stephen king#it chapter one#it chapter two#my fanfiction
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I’m kind of in a mood suddenly so below the cut there will be me just talking about fanfics I have read or am reading and why I like fanfic and stuff because I need to just
Fanfiction fucking rocks the basic part before all the stuff about it as the story just...it’s so easy to access and there’s so much and it’s just all there on the internet I don’t have to find a physical book
And on AO3 (where 90% of good currently-updating fic is afaik) there is TAGGING where you will know what you’re getting into (unless the author suddenly adds a sex scene and only then updates the tags but at least they give a warning at the start of the chapter but it doesn’t bother me as much as it did a couple years ago as long as I know it’s coming I know it’s a tool and it has its uses) with character drama and deaths and all that jazz not to mention how Ash being a badass has a specific tag and just other random things having tags that are important parts of the story
Like there are multiple fics I have found (not all of them are living fics sadly) of writing Ash’s journey in the beginning differently, like there was one I saw once that I kind of forgot to keep reading where he went to Sinnoh (and was still rivals with Paul and I think their ship tag was there?) and it said it was following game plot and then there’s one that I definitely don’t have open anymore because it didn’t update for some amount of time where he had a Joltik and then a Ferroseed and it’s really cool and a different one that’s still living and it’s called Pity of the World and Jesse + James (who is genderfluid in this fic) + Meowth are good people and stuff and just steal abused Pokemon and they run into Ash and they all end up being travel buddies and Ash understands Pokemon (not literally of course that’s not this fic) and also just knows what James’ gender is before they say anything and also in one chapter Zapdos is in Gringy City and says something about friendship being for mortals or something??? idk we’ll see and then there’s a different fic that I was reading and lost when switching devices and Ash was raised by Pokemon and literally can speak Pokemon and it was really neat but I haven’t tried to find where I left off because I’m too lazy for that tbh but it is still updating it’s Symbiosis or Symbiotic or something like that
Most things involving Ash that aren’t shippy or weird like that (ok there are some I’m not interested in but whapdfajaldjakjdf) end up being really cool because he’s a fucking legendary magnet which can either be played for laughs or deadly serious or just not be part of the fic if it isn’t relevant and so many fics use Aura it’s really cool (including Pity of the World I think he mega evolves Pidgeot (who evolves before leaving) when he fights Sabrina who does not have a doll in this fic) and there are different ways they do it and the thing I was mentioning about his connection with Pokemon like maybe it’s just a bit more than normal or it’s just yes he is everything and I kinda skipped out on gens 6 and 7 of the anime but I get enough to understand what they mean in chat fics and when referring to it in other fics it’s really cool
I think I mentioned Creepypasta and how there were two Harry Potter Creepypasta fics, one that was one and was slow to update if it wasn’t dead and one that was on the fourth one actually I was wrong about what number it was I think and updates every two weeks the first one is more lighthearted/written by a younger person like Slendy is a character and Harry x a lot of the ‘pastas I guess and it takes place starting before 4th year and the beginning is kinda meh with some weird dialogue and absurd levels of Dumbledore Ron and Hermione bashing but it does call out some of the other legitimate problems like how the lake trial in the tournament just kidnaps people which is very big because it was Ben who was kidnapped so big yikes there and honestly it’s not what you want to read if you want something really high-quality and serious like not that it doesn’t take itself seriously but it feels closer to something I would have read when I was in middle school than most of the Sanders Sides fics I read (just using that as comparison because the vast majority of that is well-written stuff). Then the other one!!!! For one it has a much more realistic/developed take on the Creepypastas’ existence like how the stories are how they exist with Slenderman being a cosmic horror being thing more than a character with character which is always really cool and Jeff kidnaps Harry as a baby (he is Boy when he is with the Creepypasta and Harry when at Hogwarts and there’s some really cool stuff about how they’re different) and, having lived with murderers, Harry gives zero fucks about things and kills Fluffy in the first book long before other stuff happens, Quirrel tries to use him to get the stone but gets annihilated at the mirror because family and then Voldemort is just a giant white snake for the rest of the series so far and also because he sucks Lockhart tries to exorcise Harry because Harry is fucking nuts and it’s great and also Harry is a Hufflepuff and there is probably more Gryffindor bashing than is necessary and pretty much all the adults get bashed for sucking (like in book 3 the boggart stuff is called out for being hella dangerous for them also Harry can’t cast the Patronus charm make of that what you will idk what) though Harry does make for quite the conversation topic among the teachers, Harry x Neville is the main ship and Neville eventually gets resorted into Hufflepuff because the Gryffindors are being massive dicks to him, also Harry flirts with Draco because Harry gives no fucks and it’s great (also both books give Luna lots of love, like the young one she’s a Seer like from Madame Macabre’s old webcomic that’s dead as it gets and the long one she’s just a good character and shit) and Harry makes these books to spread Slenderman’s legend throughout Britain/the Wizarding World and Draco may have gotten one and survived???? but now Neville has one during the summer months (and also through feeding Fanged Geraniums or whatever live stuff and blood instead of bonemeal he is creating Audrey II and straight-up says something about having to call it Harry Jr. but that’s probably just a little joke and isn’t going to stay beyond this but it’s just fun because Little Shop of Horrors slaps) and I have big fear about him doing the stuff and getting hurt and Harry/Boy conflict will be scary
There’s this other fic I found when trying to find good fics involving Ash and it’s kinda weird and seems to be written by a younger author but we’ll see where things go, like Harry got transported by Celebi to the world of Pokemon and Giovanni is Silver and Ash’s dad and they live with him and also Harry does too and he’s in a wheelchair and also is really smart and I wish we had gotten to spend a bit longer seeing their dynamics before when Harry is 14 the Goblet of Fire somehow spits his name out and Celebi helps with getting Harry (and also the other three because of course) safely there without dying because dimensional travel is hard and Celebi is friend and Luna gets to be important here too I think she’s shown up as a named student and guided them to a room and seems to know things about the castle and that’s kinda all there is so far there’s a bit more but it’s not got a lot yet I hope the author keeps going it’s a weird idea but I’m looking forward to seeing where it goes
Oh I forgot to talk about it but there’s this whump Ash fic that was being written under one title but it got dropped and now it’s being rewritten with the same concept but under a new title and going about a lot of things a different way it’s just the same starting premise and the fic is Helpless and Ash almost dies multiple times and there’s this theme of adults failing him and also Gary fucks a thing up and Ash needs support and therapy (a good number of fics have Ash needing therapy but given the shit he’s been through that is not surprising especially from my limited knowledge of Kalos holy shit Lysandre was doing some mad shit) and it’s just good but it is a lot of hospital and Ash being hurt and almost dying so be warned if that isn’t a safe read for you
The reason I don’t just outright block explicit anymore despite the horrors of trying to find safe Pokemon fic on AO3 amidst the consensual porn, incest porn, pokephilia porn, etc., is I randomly decided to try and find some Sonic fanfic on AO3 because a couple people on YouTube have been doing Sonic story stuff (Sonic What If has some good stuff that’s just... what-if scenarios and then there’s Sonic Rewritten which takes a game’s plot and then redoes it but good like the Deadly Six having personalities or Sonic 06 not having maybe bestiality or Generations being more than ‘oh past and present stages now have nostalgia’ and Robotnik and Eggman are significantly different people in that one and it’s really cool) and I thought maybe I would find some good stuff on AO3 (which I have but nothing that I want to ramble about specifically though there was one fic where Eggman does Tails clone and then his original body dies so he’s stuck looking like Tails and it’s kinda wild) and I found a fic that was marked explicit because torture and violence (honestly it wasn’t that bad) and I like it and don’t want to miss something that I might like by accidentally blocking it and now when I try to find Pokemon fic I have to see Leon x Hop and Pokemon x human smut.
There’s one Sanders Sides fic that I was reading and I don’t remember the name nor do I know if it’s updating I think I lost it but it started from the beginning of the series with the Dark Sides being a platonic poly family and when they weren’t in the episode they were talking about it/the Light Sides and it’s honestly really really good and the author just decided to have Deceit’s name be Janus and it was amazing when it turned out that was his real name it was just great but IDK if the fic has been abandoned, I think I lost it in the shift, but it was really good (but sympathetic dark sides and unsympathetic patton and roman and logan for a bit so do be warned if those aren’t comfortable for you)
Oh yeah I remembered another fic I can talk about there was this one Creepypasta fic and it’s completed and it is a Jeff x Reader but it kind of just stops being about the romance after a certain point and just goes way off the rails. It starts like ‘oh this will be a normal x reader with mansion and Slendy is dad and Zalgo is probably evil’ and then NOPE SLENDERMAN HAS BEEN RAISING FAMILIES THAT LOVE HIM TO TURN THEM INTO CRYSTALS TO MAKE HIM MORE POWERFUL AND ZALGO IS AGAINST THAT and it just is great like I never see Zalgo being good, like Slenderman being evil or whatever is plenty common (especially in the innumerable ARG fics I don’t read because I don’t have the attention span to learn what the fuck the source is) but never in tandem with Zalgo being anything but chaotic evil n shit it’s wild and it’s great and also Slenderman’s parents have faces I guess idk that was weird also there is one smut chapter but like the author said you can skip the smut and I did and didn’t feel like I missed any plot stuff so if that’s a no for you just keep an eye out for the author’s warning. It is by a younger writer, as demonstrated by its daily updates while it was being written, tiny chapters, and some general writing style stuff common to younger writers, but honestly I just love it for being something so wildly different, under the guise of a typical x Reader fic.
Speaking of ship stuff and Creepypasta the trilogy of Sans x Creepypasta fics are amazing. The writer definitely improves over time, the beginning of the first book kind of has the weird ‘then I knew I was in love’ stuff from a couple of the pastas (then again I’m ace and demiro so starting romance is just generally weird) but it is just a really good series. Sans ends up with seven kids in the third book and, while everyone else in the Undertale cast is bashed in the first two, Papyrus does seem to get some redemption in the third, so there is that. Also Murderer Sans is a fantastic tag, Gaster made a deal with Zalgo to create the skelebros and Sans is more demon than Papyrus by a lot and Zalgo is trying to kidnap Sans and Sans’ children so he has his family together to destroy the world and wander free and it’s wild and also Chara and Flowey show up and also LJ being an angel is mentioned and relevant to the plot for a bit so that’s neat and I don’t know all the details of how it ends because I lost it when I shifted and didn’t want to find where I was but it’s a great fic (albeit with a few things I can argue on) and the author has also been writing other Sans x Creepypasta stuff but I haven’t read it because idk
I really wish I had a good Minecraft fanfic to gush about but I really don’t it’s hard to find Minecraft fic that isn’t tuber-based, either Dream and friends (which occasionally I find a good one but so much is either Dream SMP which I have no interest in getting into, involves people I don’t know from Dream SMP, or just is shippy or straight-up doesn’t have a premise I’m interested in) or Hermitcraft (I fell behind so I have no idea what’s happening anymore) (but also like Mianite and Aphmau stuff but not as much as used to, but now Dream rules all so), and it just sucks. Like if some of it was Team Crafted fic I would be on board like hell yeah give me that nostalgia juice but it’s so much shit I just don’t know. I love the idea of Minecraft fanfic because there are so many options for the world and you can either make your own characters and you probably have to but then there’s just if you use Steve Alex Herobrine or Notch how they are written depends on the author and I live for that shit it’s a big part of why I read Creepypasta fic it’s because I like when there are different ways characters can be done (not unsympathetic or sympathetic like Patton so much like straight-up different characters) like Herobrine and Notch are the big ones like good vs evil, involved vs not, serious vs comedic, there are so many different ways to play them and I’m so disappointed AO3 doesn’t have much of it and so much of it is just Dream stuff and it usually just isn’t what I’m after in a fic.
The only other fics coming to mind right now are two wildly different fics involving Springtrap x Reader, one of them is being transferred from Wattpad for copy reasons, complete with tiny-ass chapters and that language that’s just so middle-school in the best way possible (like William and Springtrap are different consciousnesses and they way the author describes their struggle at one point is just so similar to a stupid thing I did and I have so much affection for it) and the other is legitimately really really good and the reader-insert has recently found out that Springtrap is William Afton and has murdered many children and they are currently dying multiple times to help his victims pass on because they can see ghosts and it’s actually really good and I have no idea where things are going, reader has currently met up with Michael Afton, currently all purple and dead and stuff, and has learned about remnant (weird-ass shit from modern FNAF lore) and it’s getting wild. I feel like there are two types of FNAF fic, ones in the style of FNAF 3/4 and earlier and ones from maybe 4 onward. Like ones where the lore was basically ‘bad man committed murder against children and they’re possessing the animatronics and that’s why they’re trying to kill you’ and then 4 starts having some more expansive lore ish and then after that it just goes everywhere with remnant and scooping and even more locations and also the books matter probably??? There is this one fic involving Glitchtrap that hasn’t updated in a bit and it’s fun, I like the idea of Glitchtrap and really wish I could read more fic just centered around FNAF VR. Then again, BEN was always one of my favorites and after I stopped being absolutely terrified of Herobrine I really liked his possibilities, maybe I just like the story utility and possible execution of characters with wide-ranging powers over technology and affecting the real world outside of it, IDK.
Ok I’m out of ramble energy, and also topics unless I go more in-depth about specific character options, but my energy is gone so I think that’s the end of it. I typed 3,000 words about fanfictions I’m reading and probably could have talked more about some of them if I wanted. This is my new hyperfixation. I guess. At least I know I have one, it’s reassuring to know for some reason, like for a while I missed how much Pokemon was my life in elementary school and Minecraft was in sixth grade, like it was nice just having something to focus on, though maybe that’s just the college and depression talking.
That was good, I’m glad I did that. Y’all are loved.
If you seriously read this entire thing... Wow. I really appreciate you digitally listening to me talking about random fanfic shit that I like. You’re really really cool.
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Watch What Happens - Chapter 3
Chapter links: 1, 2
Summary: Arthur, an aspiring comedian, has struggled to find normalcy and compassion his entire life. Y/N, a hard-working paralegal and transplant to Gotham, has just been put on a case for the Wayne Foundation. When they meet, unexpected sparks fly.
Chapter warning: Angst
Words: 1,856
Impromptu conversations with Hoyt were rarely pleasant. There seemed to be a new gripe whenever Arthur learned his boss wanted to speak with him. He’d been late to a party because the train had broken down. The balloon animals he was learning to make deflated too quickly. His laughter popped up at the wrong times.
Today’s meeting had been no different. As soon as he walked into Hoyt’s cramped office, he knew he’d be scolded. He understood Kenny’s Music was upset that he’d disappeared. What he hadn’t expected was Hoyt’s complete dismissal of his side of the story. Yes, it was a stupid decision to go after the kids who were giving him shit. The bruises covering him were enough to prove that. But why would he go out of his way to steal a sign?
Arthur had been careful to smile painfully the entire time, the way Penny had taught him. With all the effort it took to maintain his composure, he’d barely heard Hoyt threaten to take the cost of the broken placard out of his pay. He felt a pang in his gut. Less money would mean missed meals. At least he could handle that better than his mother, since he rarely ate anyway.
Hoyt told him his co-workers were uncomfortable around him. That they thought he was weird. That wasn’t news to Arthur - though he didn’t always get their intentions, he wasn’t an idiot. He hadn’t missed the lack of inclusion in the card games the others played on their downtime, or how quiet they were around him.
And he made everyone uncomfortable. Except maybe Gary, the little person he worked with. Gary was the only acquaintance who appeared to give a shit about him, even a little. And he went out of his way to check-in with Arthur when a day had been particularly trying. Arthur would have to remember to try to return that favor.
Usually, his anger didn’t eclipse his general malaise. When it did, he tried to push it down like he had learned. He couldn’t do that today. After the meeting with Hoyt, he’d gone into the back alley and punted the garbage until he fell.
It had been too much. He put more than forty hours a week into being a clown. He loved his job and was good at it. There was a reason he was on the rotation list for the children’s hospital. Just once, it would be nice to hear he had done well instead of being berated.
He tried to remind himself he was lucky to have a steady income.
Now Arthur was in the empty locker room at HaHa’s, cleaning crud off his shoes from the garbage bags he’d broken open. His knee was sore from the kicking. When he got home, he’d have to put ice on it. He took in a long breath, sitting on the bench in front of the row of blue lockers. Sometimes he thought it would be easier to simply drift away.
“You okay?”
Arthur hadn’t heard Randall approach. He slumped a little, expecting another smart remark from the giant know-it-all.
Randall continued. “I heard about the beat-down you took. Fucking savages.”
The aggravation in his voice wasn’t what Arthur had expected. Arthur shook his head. “It was just a bunch of kids. I should have left it alone.”
“No, they’ll take everything from you if you do that. All that crazy shit out there? They’re animals,” Randall stated.
Arthur stood and grabbed his jacket from his locker, not wanting to continue. He’d been on his feet all day, which hadn’t helped his healing back. All he wanted was to go home and try to relax.
Randall shoved a paper bag at him, taking him aback. “Here.”
Arthur glanced at it. “What is it?”
“Take it.”
Half expecting a trick, Arthur wiped his nose, took the bag and gingerly opened it. The light from overhead reflected off a .38 snub-nosed handgun and six bullets. Giggling nervously, he closed the bag and tried to hand it back. He looked around, making sure no one else had entered the room. “Randall,” he whispered. “I’m not supposed to have a gun.”
Randall smiled at him. “Don’t sweat it, Art. No one has to know. And you can pay me back some other time. You know you’re my boy.”
Arthur wasn’t sure how to take that. Had all the self-doubt he’d felt moments ago been wrong? Randall giving him a gift a gun to protect himself - did this mean he was finally “one of the guys?” It made him nervous. And a little proud. He shoved the paper bag in his pocket and shook his head lightly, laughing. “I’ve - I’ve got to go. My mother’s waiting.”
~~~~~
Arthur's evening went similarly to every other. He made dinner for Penny and took a quick shower, then ran a bath for his mother. After testing the temperature with the back of his hand, he went into the living room with a towel. "It's time for your bath, mom." Penny didn't have much of a reaction, a soft smile and a nod. He draped the towel over his shoulder and, putting an arm around her back, the other under her armpit, gently lifted her out of the easy chair. She shuffled along as he guided her to the bathroom.
Penny dropped her robe to the floor, seemingly half paying attention to what she was doing. He picked it up, folded it, and placed it on the closed toilet lid. Once he had helped her out of the rest of her clothing, he threw it in the hamper. He took her hand as she stepped into the tub. "Be careful. Don't slip," he said, helping her get into the water. When she was situated, he dragged a stool over, sat, then grabbed a washcloth and soap to scrub her back.
Arthur was used to taking care of Penny, but this level of helplessness still felt new. He'd had to start helping her bathe about six months ago, when she'd had a fall getting out of the tub. The panic he'd felt when he'd found her on the floor still weighed heavily in his stomach when he thought about it. He'd been grateful she hadn't broken anything. And when she’d first said, "Happy, I need your help in the bathroom," he'd been glad to assist her. Truthfully, it felt good to be needed.
She stared vacantly at the wall as he washed her arms. "I wonder why there was no mail today."
"That means no bills, mom." He handed her the washcloth and soap. "Wash your chest and down below." Turning away from her, he listened to the water splash behind him. He hummed gently with the radio as he waited for her to finish.
She continued after the soft sloshing stopped. "Maybe the mailman is stealing my letters."
He swiveled back around and grabbed the nearby plastic cup. Carefully, he tipped her head back and started washing her hair.
Penny closed her eyes. "Maybe we'll hear from him soon."
He couldn't bite his tongue any longer. "Mom, why are these letters so important to you? What do you think he's gonna do?"
"He's gonna help us," she pronounced.
Bewildered, he shook his head. "You worked for him, what? Thirty years ago?" A sigh escaped him. "Why would he help us?"
She turned and looked him straight in the face, answering without hesitation. "Because Thomas Wayne is a good man. If he knew how we were living... If he could see this place, it would make him sick." She lowered her head. "I can't explain it to you any better than that."
Arthur pursed his lips. It wasn't worth the argument; he wouldn't win it anyway. He closed his eyes. He did his best to provide, but he knew it wasn’t enough. Maybe if she hadn’t had a son who was such a mess, she’d be in a better position. He started thinking about the sign he had to pay for, hoping he could pick up an extra gig to make up the difference. "I don't want you worrying about money, mom," he said soothingly. "Or me." A flicker of excitement went through him at what he was going to say next. "Everyone's been telling me my stand-up's ready for the big clubs."
Blinking at him, she said, "But, Happy, what makes you think you can do that?"
"What do you mean?"
Penny looked at him in consternation. "Don't you have to be funny to be a comedian?"
~~~~~
The journal lay open on the coffee table in front of Arthur. Sitting on the old, scratchy sofa in his blue pants, smoking cigarette after cigarette down to the filter, he thought about what he should write. It felt like homework tonight. The jokes weren't coming.
Usually he could ignore Penny's remarks. Tonight's comment from her had wounded him, though. She didn't think he could pursue his purpose of spreading joy and laughter? A purpose she'd told him he had all his life? He knew his timing was off, that he didn't get punchlines in the same way others did. He was acutely aware of that he had misunderstandings he couldn’t seem to fix. But he wouldn't stop practicing and trying to improve. He'd make her proud of him one day. He'd show her.
He wasn't going to journal about the bullet hole he'd accidentally fired into the wall, which he was going to have to figure out how to patch. If Counselor Kane caught wind of it, he'd be in serious trouble. The gun had been heavier than he'd imagined. His hands had trembled when he held it. It felt forbidden. And dangerous.
Why hadn't Randall told him it was loaded? He could have killed himself. Maybe that's what Randall wanted.
The new pack of pens caught his eye, and his thoughts went to the woman at the store. When she'd first spoken to him, he'd been preparing himself for a snide comment. One never came. She'd been unexpectedly kind and polite.
Her stare had been disconcerting until she apologized for it. A short chuckle escaped him as he remembered her blush. Women never did that around him. Even though he wasn't like the men in check-out stand magazines or movies, he wondered if she'd found him attractive. She was so pretty, too pretty for him.
The bravery he'd managed to wrangle to open the door for her surprised him. He wanted to keep it. Standing behind her in line, he thought he'd been able to catch a whiff of the sweet fragrance of her shampoo. Or maybe he’d dreamed it. Either way, he associated it with her. He wished he had worn cologne - she might have liked it.
He picked up a pen and started writing in his messy scrawl, a soft smile on his face. "I met a nice woman at the store yesterday. I don't know why she was nice to me but I'm glad she was. If I meet her again I need to say hi."
Tag list (Let me know if you want to be added!): @harmonioussolve @clowndaddyfleck @stephieraptorr
#arthur fleck#arthur fleck x reader#arthur fleck x female reader#arthur fleck fanfic#arthur fleck x ofc#joker 2019#watchwhathappens
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THE TIME IDIOTS EPISODE 503 TITLED “Maisie says GAY RIGHTS!!!” MY THOUGHTS:
FIRST OFF: Charlie is canonically pansexual and even if they don’t say it specifically, genderfluid, and that is fucking RAD and I’m really happy Maisie it psyched to be playing this character
Secondly: I don’t use tumblr all that often because a.) lol it’s tumblr mobile and b.) I am ten thousand years old and don’t like doing stuff on my phone, so I didn’t notice until recently that mobile gets rid of most of the bullet point formating I use for these. Just please know some of these dumb jokes are even DUMBER with added bullet point emphasis
ANYWAYS ONTO THE EPISODE
Opening with Heaven Is a Place On Earth, known gay ANTHEM, is a BOLD choice
...do we not have the budget for a song from 2004?
.......this is going to be a recurring motif for the episode isn’t it?
(that song was released in 1987 it doesn’t even make sense!)
This is really the opening credits they’re sticking with huh?
I feel like I am in the minority on them but they look real dumb y’all
Sara cockblocked John’s kicky music! RUDE
John: if I had a nickle for every time I was “haunted” by a dead mariner
John is jealous of the DICK
and I can’t blame him
Nora with that riding crop....something something something that is not appropriate this is a family blog
(Neal McDonough Memorial Can Get It Award goes to...that)
That Ray plays Chicago as his romance music is painfully on brand
Gideon continues to be the wing-AI realest one and refuses to let ray sabotage himself
that is friendship
The mad hologram cat ears!!!
that might be the best special effects money they’ve ever spent
STABCAST. My girlfriend says it is a terrible name. I say it is a FANTASTIC one. I think I am right here.
I accidentally thought about the logistics of how Ava would produce a podcast in the temporal zone to be published in 2020 and I am now actually writing the rest of this blog from my self-induced coma
HOW DOES THEIR EMAIL WORK
“Zach it’s a bit the writers did not think about this for longer than it took to write the joke” I KNOW THAT I CAN’T HELP IT i just want to hold phil hostage and the ransom will be ANSWERS
Sara and Ava continue to be adorable. That is all.
Is Nate complimenting himself on just wearing a blazer??
Of course he fucking is god I hate this man he is so TRANSSEXUAL
Ava was truly designed to be a peak white woman obsessed with serial killers
I self-identify as Mick’s desire to launch himself into the sun
I feel like we could’ve tried a little harder with the 2004 wardrobes
Oh my god this fucking serial killer mask they didn’t even TRY
like literally just picked the mask up from the party city discount bin
Gary!!!
Two Johns!
Gary’s DREAM
HI CHARLIE I MISSED YOU
Maisie you are an ANGEL
Every 80s episode the costume department tries....less and less.
Please note: I do not blame them. I would stop trying too
PLEASE STOP BEING CREEPY ADULTS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
what makes you think this will WORK
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU RECORD PODCAST AUDIO
once again i am blogging from my own self induced coma
(I am very distracted tonight because my roommates and I are getting kicked out of our house at the end of april and we’re trying to find a new place and this isn’t funny but that is why I am...less on my game tonight, because i am simultaneously looking for housing love living in a major metropolitan area)
ANYWAYS WOW NORA I HAVE MISSED YOU
Love a good wacky comedy soundtrack for a burgeoning serial killer
Why is Courtney Ford not a comedy mega star
she HAS the range
(i know, i know, I just have to wait until next week)
Ray those sunglasses are creepy and I do not like them
Zari needs a kicky soundtrack I have decided
John gets one Zari should get one two
they are of equal sorcerer ability
Oh hell yeah sibling conflict give it meeeee
they are both brats
WHY DOESN’T THE PHONE WORK BEHRAD. ALL Y’ALLS PHONES WORK ON THE SHIP HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK
y’all got those iphone 37s with space service?
Hmmm that was unfortunate
is the killer...just force ghost Len?
the knife made of his pure jealousy?
I blew her off because I fell in love.....with the perfect man
ava: didn’t you guys commit, like, 70 felonies?
mick: like i said, the perfect man
One benefit to having an episode heavily set at a prom and subsequent reunion is they can buy all the set dressing from part city and kinkos and have it be accurate!
Oh
My
God
This kid is real cute tho good job actor kid with your dancing
I love that Courtney just stole that blazer from the wardrobe for the DJ and was like this is mine now
comPUTER? she has a NAME, you used to be BEST FRENEMIES
Gideon can’t you zap her brain to fix all this, save us a bunch of episodes of nonsense?
Zari, girl you knew you were on a time traveling ship when did you think you ended up
Shayan sounds EXACTLY like another actor but I can’t figure out who
wow rip mick
mick: finally, the sweet release of death, all my dreams are coming true
I feel like....there was a more efficient way to kill the teens then blindly waving a knife at them through the drivers partition
I just really feel like we need to do some more examining of this particular personality quirk of Ava’s
maybe get her a therapist or something
cause it’s gotta be wrapped up in some sort of her clone shit
the tarazis LOVE each other
and i LOVE them
mick: i am unkillable and i yearn for the unknowable void
caity and jes have you EVER danced with another woman ever jesus
everyone else: who are these assholes HOGGING the photobooth
THEY DIDN’T EVEN GO HERE
very obvious dick jokes two weeks in a row god fucking bless
charlie and john charlie and john charlie aND JOHN CHARLIE AND JOHN
hell YEAHHHHHHH
man john why can’t you just prick a finger or something that’s so many tendons to cut
Next week: EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR
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Yesterday me and @heiligelanze were bored so I made this trash complaining about P4. Don’t read if you like P4. Unless you are very chill about people hating on it.
we talk about why p4 is not good.
#1 - Boring characters
Yosuke: Wah wah small town is borin (why doesn't he just plan to move when he's older), also homophobic in way that suggests writers thought we were too. neck is too long. Also not closeted >:/
Yu Narukami: Stupid name, stupid design, stupid fuckin face, I hate him, no character arc or character at all, Gary Stu. Boring peice of shit. Also. Not GAY Enough >:/
Yukiko: Boring. Thinks she's trapped into being innkeeper when not at all. Never tells parents she doesn't want to or makes any attempt to change anything. Only other character trait is laughs (annoying)
Chie: Guyz I like kung fu n meat isnt that quirky, (bc apparently women don't like meat?????) also not gay or trans >:/
Kanji: Almost good. But misleads to think he is good representative media pushing artistic gay man strugling against stereotypes that gays rnt tough. Actually about gender roles but not well explored. Hinted to be bi at best. Atlus u fuckin cowards let me be gay for once >>>>>>>>>://////////////////
Rise: 2 kawaii. Gets annoying. Unwarranted, undeserved crush on main character you cant say no to. (But unlike p3 game doesn't make u with her but we will get to THAT LATER FUCKING P4G)
Naoto: Too good for game. Shoulda been trans tho.
Teddie: Remove or kill. Annoying af. Tries to steal ur girl. Major mysognist (game is like lol)
Mitsuo: Insulting to ugly people and to gamer fanbase
Moorako: Insulting to ugly people. Hahah who cares hes dead he was uggo lol
Hanako: Fat ppl r gross rite guys lollolollolllollolololollollololl haha she thinks she's atrratcievew lolololo fat pppl thinkin their hot lololololololo
Kashiwagi: She's old but busted except she looks 30 and treated as gross icky old woman when real teens would be like "I wanna bang dat shit on de desk"
Dojima: Ok I guess
Nanako: Emotional manipulation. doesn't die. unrealistically precious and mature.
Adachi: Presents as awkward relatable BUT NO ACTUALLY EVIL OVER THE TOP EVIL MUHAHAHA because he couldn't just be a cool guy with a darker side, had to be ANIME CRAZY EVIL DID IT FOR THE LULZ
Namatame: Not built up enough, comes fuckiin out of nowhere
Izanami: Comes even more da faq outta nowhere (GUYS THAT GAS STATION ATTENDENT SHAKING YOUR HAND OBVS EQUALS EVIL OR PLOT SIGNIFICANT LOL) also rips off Nyx and does it shitty
Ameno-Sagiri: Comes even MORE da faq outtta nowhere and vanishes da faq outta nowhere, also irrelevant to plot and meaningless distraction
Margret: Boring af, no personality at all, Elizabeth was more fun
Saki: Underdeveloped bitch, supposed to be so sad when dies despite not being shown for anythin but bitch also supposed to feel bad for yosuke when she dies even tho she hated him and he would have been rejected anyway seriously wtf
Marie: COMPLETELY IRREDEMABLE GARBAGE FIRE OF PANDERING TRASH. SHOEHORNED INTO PLOT WHEN COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS AND IRRELEVANT. GAME FORCES HER AS LOVE INTEREST WHEN SHE SOMEHOW MANAGES TO STEAL WORST GIRL FROM YUKIKO. ANNOYING TSUNDERE STEREOTYPE. MAKES ME WANT TO KILL SELF.
#2 - Shit plot
Boring af. Crappy tonal issues all the way thru. WAY TO SLICE OF LIFE WHO FUCKIN CARES.
HEY IM A TRANSFER STUDENT JUST LIKE LAST GAME LOL. Everyone loves me immediately even tho im a lil bitch.
Oh noes murder of some random chick we never met so sad ;~;
Meet Chie n Yukiko both boring af, immediately like me
Yosuke is trash can, Mitsuo is creppy and wierd b/c gamers r uggo and uggo ppl are socially inept and suck
Bitchy girl shows up and then dies
Yosuke does1n't get dick wet (he wouldn't anyways but still) so sad
See TV world, meet worst character in ORGINAL game (assult of bear puns)
fight dumb fuckin demon frog bc yosuke is bored (wtf is dis shit)
Chie is gay bUT NOT REALLY
Boss of dungeon is too hard, someone went missing or something idk who cares
Meet gay but nOT REALLY
Chases u bc u judge him but NOT REALLY
Gets kidnapped, gay dungeon bUT NOT REALLY actually about gender and cuz he likes cute stuff means he's gay STUPID but actually he's not because gays r icky lol
Campin time yaya the girls can't cook pffffft a WOMAN CANT COOK TF WOW WOW SO FUNNY A WOMAN CANT COOK WTF WHAT TEH FUCK and also HANAKO IS FAT AND That's' bad
HOMOPHOBIA TIME LOL KANJI IS GAY ARE YOSUKE AND YU SAFE IN A TENT WITH HIM? FIND OUT AT 11
Sexism next day when Yosuke is like I bought u girls sexy swimsuits and will now shame you to wear them ARENT I AN ENDEARING CHARACTER but no dicks are wet except with water (also vomit) including kanji lol abuse (also that could have seriously injured but never brought up BECAUSE ABUSE IS LOLOLOLOOLLOLLLOLLLLOLLLOLLLLLLLLOLLLL) Also game forced u/Yu to be sexist too fuck off game
Nanako is sad whatever who cares
Yosuke wants idol puss so yay idol but shes sad so we stalk guilible peepin tom who is the killer but NOT REALLY while adachi is quirky
Rise is sad that she doesnt know who she is or something fuckin idk STRIPPING TIME BOWCHICAWOWOW also teddie feels useless so everyone dies or smth
Teddie comes out of TV and is now human and annoying mother fucker, Rise is now not sad but KAWAII and Yosuke no longer wants idol puss idk but but IDOL PUSS WANTS BORING FUCKBOY YU DICK (not pandery at all, just your average sexy teen idol wants boring fuckboy)
Teacher is dead he was dick and uggo so who cares lol
Chase after uggo game lover nerd haha dungeon is nerdy game shit lol video games cause violence right guys? Didnt u know that video gamers are all ugly socially inept muderous pathetic freaks????? THATS U BTW UR UGGO INEPT MUDEROUS CREEPY LOSER FREAK LOL
Also rise cums when you kill enemies
Now murders are solved rite so lets have celebration!!!! Girls make omlettes but they CANT COOK LOL wasnt that so funny last time joke so nice they made it twice
Summer festival time Rise wants yu dick and Yosuke wants wet dick but teddie claims all three girls for himself and they go without protest despite not wanting to because they are STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE AND KNOW NOT TO BACKTALK THEIR MAN (isnt this game so progressive)
PERSONA 3 REFERENCES also underage drinking bUT NOT REALLY JUST SEXUAL HARASSMENT BECAUSE LOL also teddie stalks them lol also teacher books SEX HOTEL???? How wacky
You kno how muder was solved WELL NOT REALLY WHAT A SHOCK THE GAME HAD NO PLOT FOR LIKE TWO MONTHS anyways
Naoto is strong masculine manly mc man detective but gets kidnapped and is actuallY TRANS BUT NOT REALLY IS ACTUALLY JUST GIRL AND THINKS SHES CHILDISH OR SOMETHING but NOT REALLY ACTUALLY SHE’s JUST LONELY but not really idefk. Remember kiddies being different is okay!!! uwu (so long as you ARENT ACTUALLY DIFFERENT U FREAKOZOID kill urself)
Cultrue festival Rise wants u 2 do her in school halls balls deep but game doesn't let you????? lame 0/10
But then YOSUKE FORCES GIRLS INTO UNCOMFORTABLE beauty pagent that they cant back out of even if someone else signed them up under penalty of DEATH AND RAPE (I presume) because yosuke remains such an endearing character
BUT THEN girls get revenge by forcing him into drag contest and u and kanji too even tho it was only yosuke because the GIRLS ARE SUCH AMAZING FRIENDS
lol girls are objectified lol fatty thinks shes hot lolllollollooololooloololoollolololooll0lkooolloollololoololol (game designers had to stop in order to finish laughing at own jokes)
then drag contest ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww grosssssssssssssss icky teddie wins because................a dude? PASSING AS A WOMAN??????? Totes not transphobic vibes none at ALL
then HOT SPRINGS SLEEPOVER at inn because there is just SO MUCH MORE FUNNY TO BE HAD (isnt this all so relevant to plot and character??? rich narrative very necessary part of story, game would be UNSALVAGABLE without it)
Girls are bitches and think that guys are perving because hot springs doesn't tell them when it's time for girls to go? ?????? Great fuckin service amagi inn also why would the guys perv by just casually walking in??? Why why why why why qwhyw why why anyways they throw buckets at the guys and it's HILARIOUS and not at all uncomfortable, guys run away in terror and the girls are like YEAH GIRL POWER!!! Then they find out about mistake and apologize like good friends, people and normal humans would b/c even for pervin that was extra no just kidding LOL They actually keep it a secret becausE LOL GIRL POWER STRONG RELATABLE FEMALE CHARACTERS AMIRITE WHO HASNT ABUSED THEIR FRIENDS WITHOUT ANY FEELINGS OF REMORSE OR GUILT LOL (also nanako saw that all bad influence on child)
since the friendships are all so wholesome and not at all toxic or unhealthy the guys totally write this off and try to explain themselves to the girls. NO, actualyl, since Tedide and Yosuke are still such ENDEARING characters they instead decide to molest girls in sleep RELATABLE but uh oh they accidentally molest fatty and uggo old teacher who looks 30 and then fatty and teach are like cool let's fuck and like REAL TEENS they are grossed out at being offered sex because yuck women over 20 and fatty also why are fatty and "old" lady hangin out anyway?? Apparently if ur gross u hang out together, b/c that's how it works rite. such grea t non contrivences
Nanako is dying whatever who cares
Namatame then kidnapps nanako or somth who cares dojima dies but NOT REALLY
then they go to heaven because nanako is sad but nobody gave a shit narukami never cared to ask or try to keep her company isn't he just so GREAT and considerate to the girl being boderline abused and neglected in his own fuckin house no who cares BUT NOW WE CARE RIGHT GUYS
Namatame is cray cray and his boss design is uggo and bullshit
Nanako dies, Yosuke advocates MURDER because he is still SO ENDEARING and player has to chose EXACT FUCKIN DIOLOGUE WITH NOT ONE MISTAKE OR EVERYTHIGN SUCKS AND ITS ALL UR FAULT also in some endings you murder because fuck you
but then if u dont murder NANAKO WAS DEAD BUT NOT REALLY but only if u dont murder so congrats u were emotionally manipulated into killing the mentally ill b/c ur so great good job
then it turns out Namatame you know how he was cray cray well turns out he wANST REALLY CRAY he just had plot-convient-tempo-insanity-itius as the doctors call it then u talk to him and u know how he was the killer? Welll...NOT REALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY he was actually good guy u almost killed innocent man fck u
then u have three chances to guess killer and only u can and if you dont get it in three guesses you get, as the doctors call it, plot-convient-stupid-cant-think-anymore-itius and thus you run out of time and nobody in the world can guess except you and even over the next three months nobody can guess because who cares I guess lol 2 ppl r dead
it turns out you know quirky relatable cop man well NOT FUCKIN REALLY he is actually crazy because he's bored and as everyone knows when youre bored you kill also he's sad that he doesn't have talent even tho he is sucessful detective???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? then god bullshit end of world or smth who cares
then everything is over also i forgot teddie disappears so sad but NOT REALLY
Christmas eve sex ( i banged rise on top of christmas cake)
Girls can now cook character development girls learned how to cook 10/10 v progressive
Then flash forward to three months later because fuck you and Yu is leavin because idk and the game ends BUT NOT REALLY ashkually you can get TRUE SUPER AWESOME ending if you are able to figure out that you have to go to junes for no reason except fuck you
turns out the gas station attendent u know him? well he was super bored and he's actually a GOD WOWZERS so amazing did you know jesus was a part timer at a gas station????? NO??? That's why youre playing this sack of shit
anyway humanity wants ignorance or so god says (sound familiar, Nyx??) and she almost wins BUT NOT REALLY Because yu has the power of frienship and you know that awesome scene of makoto fighting nyx? Well imagine thaT BUT SHIT b/c no buildup
for all ur xtra efforts u get teddie saying hearts are connected anime KH cliche (wasnt that so worth the extra bullshit dungeon)
Yu is leaving SO SAD WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT P3 WUSS CAST? Your friend is dead? GTFO with those 1st world problems NARUKAMI HAS TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO SEE HIS FRIENDS THIS IS THE TRUE TRAGIC DRAMA WHAT COULD BE WORSE
THE END
0/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
#3 - ASSULT OF THE CASH COWS
so p4 is gr8 rite m8? well no but apparentlly dumb 14yr old boys were like "omg this game half akcnowleges gays exsist so PROGRESSIVE also i can fuck mai waifu n have friends" and so p4 made a shit ton of money
atlus saw dis money printin out and were like $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so dey were lyke "lets release a buncha shit”
Persona 4 The Animation: Imagine the same shitty p4 plot but with EVEN MORE HOMOPHOBIA!!!!! also racism!!!! plus MORE FAT JOKES!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaahahahahah also the animation is piss poor shit!!! Doesn't this sound wonderful?????
Persona 4 Arena: So Atlus was lyke yannao wat totes goes with our super serious and super "mature" jrpg seriess? Do u kno? BLAZBLUE!!!!! The over the top weeb fighting game!!! YEah son!!!!! So anyways a fighting game comes out with barely any playable characters??????? Great. Fantastic not the least bit fanficy character writing. Also, there is a plot b/c dis shit be canon. Dats right!!! Now you may be thinking "mmmm how does that work????" well the geneiuses at atlus say "B/C SHITTY P3 RETCON CHARACTER IS SAD ABOUT DESTROYING FRINEDS WHOLE TV WORLD BECOMES ARENA WERE PEOPLE HAVE TO FIGHT FRIENDS" and u may hear that and wonder?? "what deh fuck, wasn't tv world gone also when did this ever happen in p4????" to which fanboys proply accuse u of hating fighting games and behead u.
So at this point in time, P4 is offically dead. It is dead as doornails. but atlus is lyke "Hey let's rape the corpse" and they release shitty remake on overpriced shit system nobody bought. You may be wondering "2012 didn't p4 only come out less than five years ago????" to which atlus says "shut the fuck up and give us money" hence P4 Golden
Persona 4 Golden: Added marie, inistant failure trashfire
BUT WAIT!!!! THERE IS SO MUCH MORE!!!!
Added events!!!
a) Yosuke wants dick wet and will cum if he feels boobs on his back!! So Yu and Yosuke team up to get shitty dumb ugly bikes b/c they're sooooo cooool rite mitsuru? You and ur dumb motorbike p4 is the real mature game. Anyway. Then they go hit on girls and yosuke gets one!!! YAY!! BUT OH NO!!! IT'S ACTUALLY STUPID FATSO STILL THINKIN SHE'S HOT WHEN SHE'S ACTUALLY STUPID BC SHE'S FAT!!! She then sits on yosuke's bike and it breaks because lol shes fat get it get it get it get it????? Doesn't this add so much to the story??? RICH NARATIVE RIGHT GUYS?!
b) BEACH TIME!!! Because that's where the real compelling drama is!!! Anyway they go to the beach and yuckerbears kanji is in a speedo!!! Gross!! I hope yosuke doesn't catch the gay!!! Then teddie tries to molest the girls bc he's such an endearing character lol then kanji's bathing suit falls off!!!! How did this happen u may ask?? ANIME MAGIC!! So then they dress kanji in seaweed like birth of venus and girls scream and run. the end.
c) Fireworks festival yay time ted-fiya so memorable. Yosuke wants to murder Teddie bc PORN so funny haha more fat jokes also teddie wants 2 bang nanako
d) Nanako is sad again whatever who cares
e) Halloween party!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!
f) SKIING TRIP!!!! YAY!!! P3 REFERENCES!!! YAY!!! Shiptease!!! Yay!!! Teddie steals food so Naoto advocates for his MURDER!!! YAY!! IF YOU DID MARIES SLINK YOU GET XTRA AWESOME DUNGEON!! ALSO IMPLIED RAPEY SEX IN THE SNOW BUT NOT REALLY!!! ANYWAY turns out that marie sucked up the ameno sagiri fog! What u thought it just went away on its own?? BULLSHIT!!!! Next you'll be questioning the ever so important role of NPC John Smith in creating Izanami's gas attendent disguise. Or NPC Billy Bob in giving Ameno Saigiri directions to the boss fight.
RIVETING DIOLAUGE LIKE "is this like the part in movies where the bad guys lair collapses??????" WORST GIRL IS DEAD BE SAD EVERYONE ELSE IS U MONSTER!!! BUT NOT REALLY!!! INSTEAD SHIP FUEL!!!! Also marie is polite for half second, AMAZES ENTIRE CAST GREAT WRITING!!!!!!!!! dont u love it when ur friends treat u like shit? then there’s a lovely scene where the dudes perv on the girls who are sexaulized and marie attacks them. Riveting. Then they all died and we were all happy.
g) New years eve. That is all. also new stupid persona evolutions that look stupid.
h) Valentine's DAY!!! I bang Rise on the da beach!!! Also if u slink with marie at all she forces you to cheat!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!
i) OH, NO! Yosuke is going to have to move maybe idk wasnt he supposed to want to move??? idk shut up. anyways. to keep yosuke miserable his friends have to become a band in TWO DAYS!!!! How will they ever do that??? well guess what with zero experience the entire group becomes master musicians in TWO DAYS!!!!!!! That's right, it's that easy!!!! U 2 can become as good as Green Day in two Days!!!! not that they ever play again lol or ever bring this up again lol. Then the dudes jump into the crowd and lol the crowd dodges thme aand nothing is accomplished.
j) New super awesome epilogue you only get if you slink marie even tho she isn’t there for 90% of it whatever the new designs suck
Anyway since the game isn't slice of life enough you can now bang rise in the movies and the hot springs also you can go out at night so exciting.
You can now force Naoto into sexy outfits against her will because isn’t it so cute when girls don’t like being objectified??? Also they molest her at the hot springs??? Also
So yeah P4G sucks ass. But ATLUS didn't stop there!!!! OH no! Atlus then went on to make Persone Q!!! They decided this time to drag innocent bystander P3 as well!!
Persona Q: some bullshit about a dying girl causes the P3 and P4 cast to meet in a wonderful culture festival crossover!! With lovely gameplay and no regression in character!! Chie always had nothing to her past loving meat right????? Also yu can fuck the dog from p3!! isnt this so believable and not the least bit stupid or contrived? isn't it?? Isn't it???????? Not much to say its just dumb
surely Atlus must be done now right?? RIGHT?? WRONG!!!!!!
Now you see since P4G came out, OBVIOUSLY the anime needs to be partially remade! You may be asking, isn't the anime less than TWO YEARS old at this point? Why remake it? Did golden really have such a different story? No.
P4 Golden Animation: Marie, marie, marie, marie, ten episodes of marie, never goes anywhere, confusing and boring af but look 16 yr olds in bikinis and nude and not totally shit animation so it's ok right? RIGHT? RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P4 at this point has been raped to death all over again and the corpse is still being fucked and they won't just let it die. BUT NO!!!! Enter p4 arena ultimax!!
P4 Arena Ultimax: B/c the first was so great, they made another!! Game so nice they made it twice!! but now the dark hour from p3 is back because idk we ran out of ideas. Also junpei and koromaru and adachi great. But guess what!!!!!! AWESOME NEW CHARACTER!! His name is sho!! He is the secret son of dude from P3, how is this possible? fuck you. Anyway he is so tragic and sad he hates friendship!! awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!! :((((( But never fear!!! The p4 team will show sho the glory of frienship isnt this so interesting and original and great????
p4's violated, torn up corspe now has zero dignity left so atlus decided to reanimate the corpse with dead horse dildos and force it to dance
P4 DAN: Dancing. Shit dancing. Nobody knows how to dance. Remember how P4 used to be about murder and accepting uncomfortable truths???? Well now its about shittily animated dances. Isn't this so great? Guess what we lean about the characters? We learn that they can't fuckin dance and watching them is cringy af. Also now the tv world is a dance stage because the tv world just does whatever the fuck we want it to. what if a characters shadow is a rapist, would they be forced to rape?? is that how atlus would make a porn game?? if we wanted to make a chess game a famous chess player who feels forced to play chess will then make u forced to play chess.
.... so obivously, the P4 fandom realized that Atlus was raping their game and refused to buy it right?? RIGHT??? WRONG. They actually will castrate you with a rusty carving knife if you ever so much as imply P4 is a cash cow.
It totally is tho
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Gary / Andy :D
1) Who rocks the Ferris Wheel seat and who flips out and begs them to stop?Gary is definitely the one who rocks it and Andy actually has a highkey fear of heights so he freaks out 2) Who is always horny and will have sex at any time, at any place and at any time?Gary is my fave slutty bisexual so obv3) Who is more into taking showers/baths together? Who tries to make it relaxing and who tries to make it sexy time?Andy thinks hygiene is important now more than ever so he insists they take baths together when they get their hands on hot water, but Gary gets bored and just wants to fuck lmao 4) Who likes to walk around the house naked and who tells the other to go put some clothes on?They're both rlly lazy sometimes so in the privacy of the house sometimes they both just walk around with nothing on 5) Who sleeps on the couch when they get into a fight?Gary :((6) Who takes photos of the other while they sleep?Andy finds a shitty old Polaroid camera and takes pictures of Gary when he sleeps and sticks them on the wall and Gary gets so pissed 7) Who said “I love you” first? and who ends their arguments in a fight with “Because I love you”?Andy definitely omg8) Who likes to wear the others sweatshirts?Gary !!! He acc loves baggy clothes 9) Who wakes the other up in the middle of the night to tell them a cool dream they had? Who has the most nightmares, and who sings them back to sleep after?Gary accidentally wakes Andy up from all his tossing and turning. Gary has nightmares sometimes and Andy cuddles him till he falls back asleep oh boy they're cuties 10) Who is more likely to cheat?Neither !! Both of them think cheating is the worst and would never think of doing it 11) Who makes fun of the other for having a crush on them, and who has to remind them that they are in a relationship?Gary is still like "so this means ,? You like me ?? Like , like like me , ?" And Andy is like ffs we've been fucking since we were 15 Gary I stg 12) Who starts a food fight in the kitchen?Gary bc Andy makes him eat and he has no chill 13) Who initiates duets? and who is the better singer?Gary is actually a rlly good singer and since he's obsessed with music he randomly bursts into song a lot 14) Who starts the hand holding? Who grabs the others butt? Who slides their arm around their waist? Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops?Both of them !! Tho Andy puts his fingers in Gary's belt loops literally all the time omg15) Who likes writes the others name on their wrist?Gary writes "Andrew" and Andy can't tell if he means him, Andrew eldritch or their dog 16) Who is more seductive when they are drunk? and who is louder in bed?Garygarygarygary17) Who is more protective?Andy !!! Definitely 18) Who talks to the other while they are sleeping?Andy says stuff absent minded to Gary while he's asleep sometimes just cute lil compliments or rants about the universe19) Who drives and who has the window seat? Andy drives bc Gary can't be trusted 20) Who falls asleep in the others lap and who carries them to bed?Gary is a tired boy,, he falls asleep a lot and Andy lovs carrying his boy 21) Who cuts the others hair?Andy cuts Gary's hair omg can you imagine trusting gary with scissors 22) Who is super bad at sexting? and who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day?If they had phones it would be Andy lmao 23) Who thinks they are not good enough for the others love? and who’s more afraid of loosing the other? Who thinks they keep messing up, only for the other to tell them they don’t need to worry? Gary has a lot of self-hate after realising he did shitty things and he keeps saying Andy needs to find someone better and Andy is like but I want you ,, u stupid sod and these two are so cute I cry 24) Who starts random slow dancing with the other in the kitchen? Who holds the other just above the ground and kisses them?Andy is cheesy and does this even tho he's shorter than Gary 25) Who says shitty puns and sex jokes just to see the other giggle and blush?Gary is the king (wink wonk) of puns (that wasn't even intentional help me)26) Who kissed first?Andy Kissed him awkwardly and out of instinct when they were 14 27) Who orders take out at two in a morning? and who wakes the other up at three in the morning to go downstairs with them to get a glass of water because it’s too dark?GA👏RY28) Who writes poems/stories and love songs about the other? Do they sing the songs the write for them?Gary can write songs and he wrote a few when he was a kid for Andy but had to change the pronouns when singing it live but everyone knew he meant Andy anyway He also wrote loads of sad songs during the 20 years they didn't see each other and Andy accidentally finds them and gets sad 29) Who does some crazy stunt to try and impress the other and who ends up driving them to the emergency room after it backfires?GARY LMAO HES SUCH AN IDIOT I LOVE HIM30) Who is embarrassed when they have to wear their glasses and who thinks they look super cute?Gary forces Andy to wear the glasses he had when they were younger bc he thinks they're too cute
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Characters Having Agency (Part Yuri On Ice!)
i’m probably poking at a hornet’s nest at this point about it but i have a lot of feelings regarding the latest interview kubo gave (especially regarding the rings from episode 10). i’m only using this translation. also this is essentially the more coherent version of this twitter thread i made earlier.
and if you’re here to send me hate, i expect you to send me spite money so you can get a response from me. my time is valuable and i just really want to get this off my chest.
one of the biggest problem i’ve had with yuri on ice is the treatment of victor and how people laud him for being an ‘amazing’ character but then kubo says this in this interview:
Kubo: In the course of writing this story, even I found myself wondering just what kind of person Victor is. From about episode 4, together with Yūri, I started taking a peek into Victor. It was like I was trying to grasp something that I still couldn’t see… Even as I was writing Victor, I was often caught up in those kinds of feelings. In that sense, you could say that Victor is a character that moved and grew together with the anime as a whole.
i get it. i’m currently writing my own series and, of course, my characters aren’t exactly fully written out. however, there comes a problem when even by episode 4, people still didn’t know who victor was. allegations of him being abusive to yuuri were argued and debated about since the series’ beginning.
the problem is that: we don’t know who victor is. we know him as yuuri’s idol. we know him as a playboy (although he seems to be fully enamored by yuuri from the beginning), sort of. we know he’s the number one skater in the world because he’s spent years ice skating. but... there’s a massive problem with victor’s “character”: his whole world revolves around yuuri. he has no hopes, dreams, NOTHING besides yuuri’s.
now you might go, “okay, but cut kubo some slack! this is her first series!”
even if this is her first series, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t put effort into it. and you’re also wrong: this may be her first series with two male leads, but she’s no stranger to this trope:
337 Biyooshi!!: By all the usual measures, he could be considered a pretty useless guy: a scholastic failure, an athletic disaster, and a chronic loser... But Fukuda Shinichi has one passion: cheering for others! The 18-year-old captain of North Kanto Southern High's Cheerleading squad decides to make the most of his summer by attending cram school in Tokyo, only to find out that the whole trip was a sham! Things are looking up when he and his friend meet up with two cute Tokyo girls; too bad the girls brought them to a rip-off bar and took off! Ditched by his one remaining friend and stuck with an impossibly high bar bill, Fuku-kun's life couldn't get any worse! But just then he gets saved by Ume, his role model and former cheerleading squad captain! What is he doing in Tokyo... and why does everyone around seem to know and respect him? Without anywhere else to go, Fuku-kun decides follow Ume to his job, only to discover that... he's a male gigolo?!? Fukuda's summer of cheering others on has begun... and the streets of Tokyo's red-light district will never be the same!
Again: Imamura Kinichiro reluctantly wakes up one day to attend his high school graduation. He'd made no friends in high school and joined no clubs. Everyone was afraid of him, due to his long blond hair and surly attitude. Reflecting on his awful high school years, he remembers a girl from the Japanese cheering squad that he saw in the welcome ceremony three years ago. Searching for the old cheering squad's clubroom, he accidentally startles a classmate, causing them both to fall down a flight of stairs...
When he wakes up, it's the morning of his first day of high school, three years ago. As he confusedly goes through his day, he's able to correct a lot of the mistakes he made the first time around, such as actually interacting with the cheering squad girl, Usami Yoshiko! But did he really travel in time, or is this all just a dream he's having while his body is lying unconscious somewhere? Could he really have the chance to go through his high school years again?
Moteki: One day, Fujimoto, a 29-year-old lonely temp worker, suddenly receives a surge of calls and e-mails all at once from the women connected to his past. That's right, he's finally hit popularity, something which comes only once in a lifetime for everyone! Feeling elated, Fujimoto decides to meet them one after the other... but things aren't always what they seem.
IF YOU READ ALL OF THAT, GOOD ON YOU. i don’t blame you if you skipped that.
a lot of her basic premises has to do with guys who are suddenly really popular and have “anxiety” for dealing with popularity much like yuuri. and like yuuri, there’s a certain admirer or two who attach themselves to the main characters for one reason or another, our victor.
yuri on ice! is her first male/male lead series, as you can tell, she usually writes about heterosexual couples. but because of her homophobic tweet, this made me think that kubo really didn’t expect the fandom, especially the western fandom, to explode as it did. i joked about this on twitter that she’s using this fame to inflate her ego because so many fans are blowing smoke up her ass. it happens to the best of us. i don’t fault her for enjoying a surge of popularity.
what i do fault her though is her insistence that victor has any agency. in the episode, yuri buys the rings and gives one to victor in a fucking church and didn’t seem to want to deny that they were, essentially, good luck charms rather than engagement rings. as i mentioned before, victor’s world revolves yuuri despite having a pet of his own, his own apartment, his own career even. his character starts and ends with yuuri.
ask any fan of the series and they would tell you that victor loves yuuri with all his heart and wants nothing more than to be with him. but... kubo couldn’t let victor have that. by her saying the rings were good luck charms (paraphrasing) basically takes away what little victor had left: his love for yuuri is apparently completely platonic.
there’s a reason why i don’t like “word of god”. if it’s not in the story, especially if it’s fumbled as it is with this series, then it’s not official. that “kiss” is still up in the air for me, quite honestly. just because people can say it’s a kiss or a hug doesn’t make it so. it could be, but there’s also evidence it couldn’t be. the stupid censorship prevents me from making any conclusions. and yes, i would say this for a heterosexual couple. however, my point being, because the “word of god” in this instance is a means to take away his agency...it frustrates me.
she literally says she doesn’t know victor and went with what “he” wants but then turns around and say, “nah, their relationship isn’t romantic” essentially. and that’s extremely frustrating.
one of the main reasons why the finale of yuri on ice frustrates me so much is, the culmination of taking away victor’s agency. he had state a few episodes ago he had no interest in skating anymore. the main conflict at this point is gone: victor doesn’t want to come back.
the main conflict now: will yuuri or yuri win the gold? are victor and yuuri actually a couple?
that finale basically made it a “will you be my coach now and forever?” and victor goes back into skating because it fucking pleases yuuri. then what was that inner monologue for it? it was pointless!
one of the major arguments/debates within the fandom was whether or not the couple victor/yuuri abusive? i say no, because victor isn’t a character.
he’s literally cutout piece to fawn over yuuri when yuuri doesn’t ant to fawn over himself.
as a writer, especially as a new one, you’re going to fuck up and make shit characters. i have my own share that’s for fucking sure. however, the difference is that i see what i fuck up on, learn from it, and improve the character. KUBO HASN’T. from her summaries up above alone, she’s a very static writer and would rather play with tropes than create an interesting story.
of course, not all the characters you make at first will be shit - so long as you understand this: characters need to have agency. you’re creating literal creatures (however imaginary) with more than just looks, likes, and dislikes. why do they like that? why do they dislike it? why do they look the way they do?
you’re creating their story and what makes the characters themselves you’re giving them the agency to basically introduce themselves just how you would introduce yourself to someone new.
these feelings of mine doesn’t just apply to victor of course but characters like him and a character i especially liked from sword art online: asuna.
this video goes into detail about characters having agency and he uses nana as example of how to do it right (video contains series spoilers).
victor, for the sake of this post, has no agency of his own and it’s troubling because all he has is potential when he’s supposed to be the best. being the best isn’t the end of. people always wanna improve themselves (or not). what annoys me is that people act that victor is a well-written character but he’s not. it’s clear he was made up on the spot and there’s no real love behind his characterization.
he’s barely a character. he’s barely human. even if this world is free from discrimination and hate, humans are not. humans will fuck up because that’s what we do best. this is one of the reasons why people don’t like mary sues/gary stus: agency is being taken away and ends up having little to no conflict.
LET YOUR CHARACTERS FUCK UP OTHERWISE YOU WON’T HAVE A STORY.
and you know what? i feel bad for gary stus/mary sues because they have to be perfect all the time. take kirito for example: this guy isn’t allowed to make any mistakes and that’s awful because he’s not allow to grow. the writer isn’t allowed to grow, and instead, is forced to break his world’s rules that’s already established even more just to prove how much of a badass he is.
my point being: let you characters grow and move. one of the biggest problem with the japanese story telling style is that the world is not allowed to move unless the main character deems it. you need to at least set some ground rules for your world before you can introduce new characters to it.
there’s a reason why i like certain characters that most people don’t: they have their own reasons for being the way they are. sure, it’s relatable mostly but i love the characters more who are more independent and are capable of making their own decisions and learn (or not) from it and why.
my favorite question while creating a character is why. if i can’t answer that question, then i try something else. and that’s why i’m especially frustrated by this.
congrats if you made it all the way down here.
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I often wonder to myself, when he says ‘Wake me up before you Go Go’ does he mean – wake me up before you leave leave, or wake me up before you leave for your job as a go go dancer?
Five most played songs on my iTunes
I had originally planned to make ‘Ten most played songs of 2016”, but weirdly enough iTunes doesn’t show me that information. There is a theme in this list, majority of the songs are quite slow. I enjoy music that allows me to think, but is powerful enough that it distracts me, because I’m obviously a fucking music guru. I have decided to listen to each song as I write about it, y’know raw emotion and all that shit, which is ruining Ru Paul’s drag race for me just by the way. Some of these songs mean quite a lot to me, some of them are just awesome.
1. Mellon Collie and The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins.
Play count: 590
Date added to iTunes: 02/06/2013
Let me just begin by saying, this song is honestly just a two minute and fifty-two second instrumental.
I play this song on repeat for a few reasons. It helps to calm me when my anxiety attacks become just a little too real, it really helps me concentrate if I need to study, and it put kids right the fuck to sleep. There is nothing I don’t love about this song. The piano is strong and the focus of the song. For me, it perfectly replaces lyrics. I don’t personally hear a story as I listen, but it does take me to a very calm place. If I could learn any song on the piano, this would be it. The strings in the background definitely add to the calming tone, but I really feel like the piano on it’s own is enough.
2. Make You Feel My Love – Adele
Play count: 128 (huge number difference!)
Date added to iTunes: 29/10/2013
I am a huge Bob Dylan fan, but Adele’s rendition of this song is absolutely perfect. I generally prefer originals, I love older music, but I would absolutely dance to this at my wedding. Hell, I would even serenade the lucky bastard! This song is, again, very piano heavy, but obviously the focus is Adele’s angel voice. Is there anything this woman can’t do?! Fuck Beyoncé! When I die, I want to come back as Adele. I love strong singing voices, they give me chills. I will literally listen to a song on repeat 20 times if the voice is good enough. It of course helps that I love the original.
3. America – Simon & Garfunkel
Play count: 105
Date added to iTunes: 14/06/2014
I’m surprised there isn’t more Simon & Garfunkel in this list; I listen to them every time I feel anxious.
This is one of my favourite Simon & Garfunkel songs. I can listen to it in any situation.
I get very real chills in two parts of this song.
- ‘It took me four days to hitch-hike from Saginaw’ I just like the way this part is sung. There is no other way to put it. C-H-I-L-L-S!
- “Kathy, I’m lost” I said, though I knew she was sleeping. “I’m empty and Aching and I don’t know why.” I have always felt like this specific lyric stood out to me more than any other lyric I have ever heard. When I hear it, I feel like I wrote it. That’s the best way for me to explain it. I have written and re-written a hundred different ways to explain how that lyric makes me feel, but nothing else feels more right.
4. A Million Love Songs – Take That
Play count: also 105
Date added to iTunes: 26/09/2013
I’m not even embarrassed. Gary Barlow is an angel. Back at it again with the piano strong songs, this one is a classic. It’s definitely another wedding song. I don’t really have much in depth stuff to say about this song, I just like singing it to be honest. You’re welcome neighbours. I’m disappointed in myself for this one, but the only person who can get deep about a Take That song, is Gary Barlow.
5. Freedom – Wham!
Play count: 92
Date added to iTunes: 08/11/2015
Hands down, the best Wham! song ever. I’ve listened to this song at least 4000000 times in my lifetime. George Michael’s voice does things to me. The man is an absolute treasure. I could dance completely sober to this song, anytime! It is another one of those songs that I can’t really get too deep about, it’s freakin’ Wham!. It’s honestly just one of my all time favourite songs. R.I.P. George.
6. Ha Ha You’re Dead – Green Day
Play Count: 83
Date added to iTunes: 26/01/15
Believe it or not, I can get pretty deep with this one. It’s basically a punk rock song written by a bunch of twenty-something’s, so it’s as mature as you’d think. The final chorus of this song goes as follows;
Ha ha you’re dead
The joke is over.
You were an asshole, and now you’re gone.
As your ship is going down, I’ll stand by and watch you drown.
Ha ha you’re dead.
Ha ha you’re dead.
Ha ha you’re dead.
I remember absolutely screaming this chorus on the way to work after being dumped. Good times. I belt this song out anytime anyone fucks me over, actually. I’ve used this song as anger management since I was about 13, it works wonders.
I accidentally did six, you’re welcome.
Mood Playlists.
I have like three moods so don’t get too excited. I’ll give a brief description on the reason each song is in these playlists, but over all you’re welcome because these are some of the best songs the world has to offer.
Ten songs’ I listen to when I’m super anxious.
Landslide – The Smashing Pumpkins
The first version I heard of this was by The Dixie Chicks and I know it’s a Fleetwood Mac song, but Billy Corgan’s voice speaks to me on another level when I’m all fucked up.
Candle in the Wind – Elton John
Elton John could bring me down from just about anything. What a voice! What a man! What a song!
One Crowded Hour – Augie March
I could listen to this song thousands of times over, and I genuinely would not get sick of it. It is music genius. MUSIC GENIUS I SAY!!!!!!
Dear God – Avenged Sevenfold
M Shadow’s voice is fucking beautiful. It is only his voice that calms me, but I like to listen to slow music when I’m anxious, heavy metal would just work me up.
Tangled Up In Blue – Bob Dylan
The first time I heard this song was a cover by The Whitlams, so I was actually surprised to learn that it was a Bob song. Bob Dylan is definitely one of those artists that I could probably listen to his discography in its entirety when I’m anxious, but this one is a favourite.
Little Drummer Boy/Peace On Earth – David Bowie & Bing Crosby
I don’t even give a fuck that this is meant to me a Christmas song. Also, fuck Bing. This choice is honestly all about David Bowie’s voice. This is the first song I have ever heard David Bowie sing that gave me butterflies in my stomach. It’s so beautiful.
My Way – Frank Sinatra
I discovered this song after heard Sid Vicious’ version, which is obviously equally as calming.
Be Calm – Fun.
I read this information years ago, so if it’s wrong… well I don’t give a fuck. This song was actually written by the lead singer during a panic attack, and speaks to me so personally. It basically talks me down. “I know you feel like you are breaking down. Oh I know that it gets so hard sometimes. Be calm.” You got it, buddy. Obviously not a cure for anxiety, but it sure as fuck helps.
Yer Spring – Hey Rosetta!
This is just a very slow and peaceful song. I actually discovered when I saw The Living End Once.
Last Hope – Paramore
I think this is another song that really speaks to me when I’m down or anxious. It’s definitely about overcoming obstacles and coming out stronger. There is one part of the song that I usually play over and over. “It’s not that I don’t feel the paint it’s just I’m not afraid of hurting anymore.” I wish I were that deep sometimes.
Ten song’s I listen to when I’m feeling nostalgic.
You Sound Like Louis Burdett – The Whitlams
I remember being maybe 7 years old, and begging my Mum to let me say the F word in the song. She always said no, but I mouthed it anyway because I don’t play by the fucking rules.
Another Saturday Night – Cat Stevens
I know for a fact that this was not the song that my Dad likes most by Cat Steven’s but I just have memories of it being played A LOT.
Real Men – Joe Jackson
Another song my Dad played to death. I heard it for the first time in about 5 years on the radio a few months back, and instantly had ‘nam like flashbacks to my childhood.
I Feel Possessed – Crowded House
Again, a song my Mum wouldn’t have played the most when it comes to Crowded House, but it’s just one of those songs that takes me back whenever I heard the chorus.
The entire Bad album - Michael Jackson
Let me tell you a story! I can’t remember exactly which birthday, but I feel like it was my tenth. I had just heard of this little Indi artist called Michael Jackson. I’d gotten the HIStory album that I played to death. You’re welcome Mum and Dad. My grandparents came over for dinner, and brought a large box for me to open. Inside this box were several things, but most importantly Michael Jackson’s 1987 album Bad. I have memories of literally picking up the album and not giving a shit about anything else. I chucked that sucker into my discman and the rest is history.
Keep On Movin’ – Five
Every time I hear this song, I remember having my CD player sitting up on the window with that song blasting, while bathing. Good times.
Whatsername – Green Day
There are hundreds of Green Day song’s I could’ve chosen. This one specifically, I remember listening to on my MP3 player on the bus to and from school on repeat. I would stare out the window, just to make sure I looked as depressed as my music made me seems.
Dead! – My Chemical Romance
I used to have a dance to this song. Actually, there’s a video of me on YouTube somewhere dancing to this song. I used to act like a psycho teenager when listening to this song.
English Army – The Living End
Besides the fact that this is actually my favourite one of their songs, I used to have this DVD which had several videos of live performances on it. I used to listen to the live version of English Army all the time. Also, I’ve seen The Living End like 14 times, and they have not played it once!!!
Last Beautiful Girl – Matchbox Twenty
Honestly just another song my Mum played to death.
Songs that just generally give me some goddamn chills right down my spine.
I’m just going to write the lyric that gives me chill’s. Although, its actually the way the lyric is sung that gets me.
One Crowded Hour – Augie March (Yes, I’m mentioning it again because it’s that good.)
I completely relax when they sing “What is this six-stringed instrument but an adolescent loom
Let Her Cry – Hootie & The Blowfish
“Last night I tried to leave, cried so much I could not believe she was the same girl I fell in love with long ago. She went in the back to get high, I sat down on my couch and cried. Yellin’, “Oh, mama, please help me””
Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
I like all of these lyrics. What a good fucking song!
So Far Away – Avenged Sevenfold
“I love you, you were ready, the pain is strong and urges rise. But I’ll see you when He lets me, your paint is gone, your hands untied” insert cry emoji
Under Pressure – Queen ft. David Bowie
Like I need to just choose one fucking lyric.
Run To The Water – Live
“A million mile fall from grace, thank god we missed the ground.”
The Deepest Blues Are Black – Foo Fighters
The whole chorus is sung so well!!!
You Are Not Alone – Michael Jackson
I do the best version of this song. THE BEST. I used to jam to this with my karaoke microphone in my bedroom when I was younger.
I Walk Away – Split Enz
“Your life, slave to ambition”
Fin.
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The Class of 2016
This will be updated, and reviews are subject to be totally meaningless. Sometimes I just don’t feel like writing about a movie, ya know?
Free State of Jones - Gary Ross
This movie looks amazing. I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay a lot of attention. It’s really long. Matthew McConaughey frees the slaves, or something. It looks and sounds great. It made me want to live in the south. Anyway, with this I’m done obsessively watching movies from 2016. I don’t think there were any masterpieces from last year, but it definitely popped out a couple really solid movies. I'm not so into rankings, but here are my top six, and they are truly in no order at all. These are just the six movies from last year that I would hang on my wall:
The Lobster
Manchester By The Sea
Everybody Wants Some!
Green Room
Hell or High Water
Moonlight
Hacksaw Ridge - Mel Gibson
You can skip the first hour of this--we probably don’t need another movie where a guy falls in love with a girl and then holds firm to his convictions, especially when it’s done in a way as hackneyed as this one is--but the second half is awesome. The ultra-bloody war movie you’d expect from the guy who made a snuff film about Jesus.
Hidden Figures - Theodore Melfi
Say this for these kinds of movies: they’re getting better. The black characters have more agency, the white characters are less benevolent. At the very least, this movie seems like it was edited by someone with a good handle on why inspirational Hollywood stories about black people so often feel like they’re designed to make white people feel good about themselves. In this movie a black character flips out at her unfair treatment in a room full of white people, the titular figures solve their own problems without the help of benevolent crackers, and Kevin Costner’s colorblindness stems less from some future anachronistic moral code than from his being too obsessed with his project to notice anything else. This is a perfectly adequate crowd pleaser, and it’s not offensive. Take your girlfriend.
Suicide Squad - David Ayer
Comic book origin stories are so stupid. In the real world, government agents don’t pitch presentations on recruiting super heroes, because in the real world there aren’t super heroes. I might like these movies better if they didn’t try to take place in the same planet where people file w-4s. Maybe it’s Christopher Nolan’s fault for doing it semi-plausibly. Whatever. I’m not a comic book guy. At all. An airplane is the only setting in which I will ever watch this movie from beginning to end. But I like Will Smith a lot, and I like Margot Robbie.
The Accountant - Gavin O’Connor
Ignore the haters. This movie rocks.
Ghostbusters - Paul Feig
Ignore Milos Yiannopoulos’s pedophile ass. This movie rocks.
Florence Foster Jenkins - Stephen Frears
Eh, they’ve made worse. Stephen Frears really seems to like old ladies.
The Magnificent Seven - Antoine Fuqua
Any movie that has Chris Pratt avoid death by performing card tricks is not going to be as cool as it wants to be, but this is a fun movie to watch. I’m always gonna go with the half-assed western over the half-assed comic book movie. And Denzel Washington can still do this shit better than anyone even when it’s in between takes of Fences.
Hell or High Water - David Mackenzie
Killing Them Softly is a movie about a bunch of underworld criminals tightening their belts and pumping their auditor to save money in a down economy. It’s soundtracked by political speeches from the 2008 Presidential election. It’s one of my favorite movies in recent memory. I’m a sucker for flicks that foreground the sociopathic nature of the banking industry as a regular feature in American life. I’m also a sucker for westerns, and for manly movies where everyone is an alcoholic. This is so much smarter and more controlled than it needed to be. It’s a minor masterpiece.
The Founder - John Lee Hancock
Nobody is better at playing a regular-ass uncharismatic scrub than Michael Keaton. Not Matt Damon in the Informant! Definitely not George Clooney in the Descendants. This might be the first straight biopic I’ve ever actually liked. A middle class striver opportunes himself into a goldmine, and eventually becomes successful enough that he can start acting like a shithead.
Nocturnal Animals - Tom Ford
This movie starts to fall apart about 20 minutes after you finish watching it--a dark thriller about a guy standing up his ex-wife on a dinner date? But in the world where style trumps substance, this is a masterpiece. Dark, foreboding, atmospheric, with a great cast and a killer score. Was a strong contender for trailer of the year. Michael Shannon should be in every movie.
Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater
Linklater splits the difference between his love of the pseudo-intellectual conversation and his unparalleled ability to show young adults hanging out. The baseball team’s voluntary summer practice is easily the best scene of the year. His best movie since Dazed and Confused.
The Lobster - Yorgos Lanthimos
The dialogue--and the movie--is like someone breathed life into stick figures and forced them to fuck or face unspeakable consequences. There’s a lot of “do you like the beach? I like the beach because I like looking at the ocean. I’m glad you also like the beach,” like these characters aren’t human but are desperately trying to fake it. Too weird and too singular to be the movie of the year, but I had a huge grin on my face during every batshit second of this.
Sausage Party - Conrad Vernon and Greg Tiernan
Let’s be honest, no one gets a freer pass than Seth Rogen. Once upon a time studios considered the big budget comedy a viable genre, and gave careers to people like Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell and Mike Judge, all joke-writers who, at their laziest, were pound-for-pound funnier than Rogen is (except for Sandler, who for the past 20 years has been less funny than the average Geico commercial). For better or worse I spent my teenage years quoting movies like Super Troopers and Detroit Rock City. Does anyone quote Superbad? Or This Is The End? The funny thing about my back is...I guess.
Having Judd Apatow’s affection didn’t used to be enough to monopolize a genre, is what I’m saying. And yet, there’s a pretty huge but coming. Because I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. Seth Rogen has a gift for premises that none of those other joke-writers did. At heart he’s a very smart art nerd. He’s not really that funny. He relies way too much on dick jokes and swearing. But he’s figured out how to lean on his funny friends. And with Sausage Party, he’s figured out how to emulate the topsy-turvy cleverness of Pixar, and turn it into something as watchable as any of the movies they make.
The Birth of a Nation - Nate Parker
There are better movies, but it’s never gonna get old to watch slaves murder slave owners in the antebellum south.
20th Century Women - Mike Mills
A movie of tiny moments that point to a specific moment in the lives of five people and the intricacy of their relationships. It identifies the profundity of little moments better than Boyhood, and the characters are as well sketched as any others in any other movie I can think of. So Jesus, why do I feel so cold about it? Is it because there’s a political sourness I can’t shake away? Because it feels kinda like Mike Mills wants points for being a real feminist? When this movie feels like a coming of age story, or a story about five people bouncing off each other in well-meaning but not-entirely-beneficial ways, it’s as good as it gets. When it feels like the next step in men writing deep female characters so the Huffington Post genuflects to them, I’m out. Or maybe I just don’t always give a shit about coming of age stories anymore. It’s one or the other.
Sully - Clint Eastood
Sooner or later, after he’s alienated the last living millennial by campaigning for President Trump in 2020, Clint Eastwood is going to shuffle off this mortal coil into whatever Valhalla awaits his generation of stoic American men, and we’re really going to miss him. He tells unfussy stories about uncomplicated heroes living in a decent world with clear cut moral guidelines. Here he turns a high-stakes true event into a medium-stakes story about a guy doing his job well. This is his best late-period movie.
Love and Friendship - Whit Stillman
Fans of Comedy Central may be familiar with a show called Another Period, where comedian Natasha Legerro plays a comically horrible social climbing society woman from some manored century, in a send up of Jane Austen costume dramas that nonetheless carries a feminist streak because of how put upon the women are. I occasionally have it on while I do other things, and I don’t dislike it. Like many late-night alt-comedy shows, it could be great with a bigger budget and more ambition attached to it. As I was first typing this review up, I accidentally wrote Another Period at the top instead of Love and Friendship.
Cafe Society - Woody Allen
Woody Allen has so mastered the epiphany that life doesn’t exist on a moral plane that even when he is on the autoest of autopilots he still handles the observation with profundity (Hannah and her Sisters is his philosophical masterpiece, and I would say unquestionably his best movie). This movie is very much on the autoest of autopilots, and Allen still is a writer first and a director second, but this is good territory for him. On the acting: Steve Carrell is funny and charming and seems like a great guy, but he’s not always a good actor, and he’s miscast here. Jesse Eisenberg is ehhh as the moderately more handsome young Woody Allen character (he kills the movie’s comic highlight, where he meets a first-time hooker). Kristen Stewart is the best actor here, handling second-rate Woody dialogue not as an Annie Hall or as a Kristen Stewart, but as a character of her own creation.
The Neon Demon - Nicolas Winding Refn
Refn wants to make sound and light shows. He doesn’t want characters, he wants mannequins. He doesn’t want plot, he wants to set up perfect shots. I ultimately came out high on Drive, but made fun of it for being Eurotrash. Now I realize it was more like his version of a studio compromise. This is the kind of movie Refn wants to make--the kind of movie so devoid of external input that Keanu Reeves showing up as a pedophile murderer qualifies as fan service. I can see Refn thinking this is his masterpiece. I can’t imagine a single other person on earth actually riding for it.
The Witch - Robert Eggers
Religion is more fun to ponder than to hate on, which is why Silence is a more interesting movie than the Witch. This movie can and should be weirder and scarier than it is, but it spends too much time showing it’s family devolve into superstitious madness and not enough time bringing home that fucked up bacon. It needs more bleeding goats, is what I’m saying. But stay for that ending, because it’s a good one.
Silence - Martin Scorsese
There are times, during some of Andrew Garfield’s narration, or when the camera flashes to a photo of a suffering Jesus, when this movie starts to veer into Bergman territory--Silence is the most Bergmanish movie title since Shame--but Scorsese doesn’t really make art films in that way. His movies are more literal, more grounded in plot, their darkness is violent and visceral. One could argue that a movie like this is more subtle than anything made by the Swedish depressive. One could also argue that it just has less going on. It’s a tough one, not that it’s hard to watch, but it’s hard to comprehend. As for the easy stuff--it looks great, the acting’s great, the writing is smart as hell (and I can’t emphasize that enough. There’s a character who serves as both a figurative mind-fuck and as goofy comic relief). Still kickin’ around at 74, nobody is better at making these things than Marty is. The question the movie asks, I think, is that it’s easy to die on the cross for God, but letting other people die for him? That’s a whole lot harder. And if he isn’t even there? Well then, you’re a terrorist.
La La Land - Damian Chazelle
If this weren’t the runaway Oscar favorite, I wouldn’t have seen it. The question is, would anyone have? If something is getting raves from smart people I assume it’s good, and if it doesn’t look good than I assume it’s subversive somehow. So what is this? A throwback. Damian Chazelle is the only guy right now making movies inspired by “Singin’ in the Rain.” I mean, see this one a theater and yeah, it’s a good time. But don’t buy it or call it the best movie of the year or anything. That’s crazy.
Moonlight - Barry Jenkins
If we weren’t starved for movies about black people, would this movie be so canonized? And if it wasn’t so canonized, would anyone have seen it? Kind of this year’s boyhood, where seemingly random moments in a person’s childhood may or may not be key life-shaping events. What’s most impressive is how the moments depicted are both good and bad. This isn’t Precious. It isn’t some poverty-life horror show. Here’s a kid burdened by vulnerabilities living a sort-of normal life told in vignettes. Poignant. Kinda boring though.
Fences - Denzel Washington
Denzel Washington reading the phone book would be a good movie, which is good, because this movie is basically him reading a phone book. Just kidding! The first hour is perfect--immaculate acting, phenomenal writing, compelling story-telling. The second hour lost me. This is a movie (or play) where the main character tells his wife that he’s impregnated his mistress and that he plans on staying with her. Okay. Then, after his mistress gives birth she dies on the operating table. The main character is devastated, but truthfully, for both him and the story, what incredible good luck!
Allied - Robert Zemeckis
This is a bad movie for two reasons: the plot and the acting. The plot--what if my wife’s a spy? Oh no! She is!--is surprising, but not in a good way. The acting is a bigger problem. Brad Pitt is the coolest guy in Hollywood, probably one of my five favorite actors, and capable of really good stuff, but when you give him traditional leading man roles and don’t figure out how to make him be interesting in them, he’s incredibly dull. Benjamin Button had this problem. Allied has it even more.
Manchester by the Sea - Kenneth Lonergan
I don’t think a single person reads this blog but I still don’t want to spoil this movie so I won’t talk about the ending. But holy fuck. The definition of a slow burn, as in you’re gonna fall apart in the car halfway home from the theater. Best Oscar bait movie of the year for sure. Maybe best movie of the year.
Inferno - Ron Howard
I have never read a Dan Brown book, but the Da Vinci Code is my favorite TBS movie, and Angels and Demons is probably my second, so it gives me no pleasure to tell the truth here, which is that this movie sucks.
The Girl on the Train - Tate Taylor
I am still baffled by Gone Girl the movie, mostly because it isn’t good, so give this one credit for being the pulpy garbage Gone Girl pretends it isn’t. But the more I thought about this movie, which I very much enjoyed at the time, the more sour I got. It’s pulpy garbage, redeemed in part by Emily Blunt who pulls a Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler and crushes this role like Steve Smith crushed the Panthers after they cut him.
Arrival - Denis Villeneuve
Oh no, I’m already getting bored of writing these. The New Yorker’s review of this movie is perfect and I wouldn’t disagree with any of it. This is a movie that sets its premise up perfectly and then yada yadas over the entire substance of its plot. I still score it very high though, because the twist is borrowed from my favorite Kurt Vonnegut novel, and because I love the way the aliens look.
Midnight Special - Jeff Nichols
Jeff Nichols hasn’t made his masterpiece yet, but he’s in danger of becoming my favorite director. If he turns Michael Shannon and Joel Edgerton--two guys great at exploring the decency of masculinity--into his regular acting troupe the danger gets even greater. I watched this one on a plane, which is the worst setting possible to watch a movie with a substantial portion of its budget devoted to its special effects, and the ending rings a little underwhelming (would be better on a normal-sized TV) but nobody does male characters as well as Nichols. Also, and look for this refrain whenever he shows up in a movie, nobody in Hollywood right now is more interesting or exciting than Adam Driver, even in this role, which kinda short-changes him.
10 Cloverfield Lane - Dan Trachtenberg
Another airplane watch, and another movie I come to praise for its acting and then complain that the special effect ending didn’t work on me. There are questions without answers in this movie which bugs the hell out of me, but I’m glad to see my man from the Newsroom and the girl from Scott Pilgrim getting work. Mostly, I’m glad to see one of our finest actors, John Goodman, play someone other than a dad. Let me explain to you something the Coen brothers already know: It is long, long past time for the Goodmanaissance. He should have five Oscars for his performance in the Gambler alone.
The BFG - Stephen Spielberg
Classic kid’s book becomes movie kids will like.
Our Kind of Traitor - Susanna White
Dud Le Carre novel becomes forgettable, poorly directed movie. High point: Stellan Skarsgard, and you get to see his penis.
The Shallows - Jaume Collet-Serra
Hollywood is as snobby and irrationally biased as anyone, but take away the budget and the spectacle and this movie isn’t that different than the Revenant. I mean that is a compliment, I liked both movies a lot. But while the Revenant won Leo his Oscar--something not even Scorsese could do--this one is never going to escape its proximity to Sharknado and its T&A qualities. Blake Lithely, last seen trying to score Oxy from Jon Hamm, equips herself very well.
Sing Street - John Carney
Irish mise-en-scene is great, music’s even better, the older brother relationship is fun and sweet and might even choke you up. There are plot issues you’re a dick for bringing up, but they’re there. Apologies. Also, if you haven’t, go see the Commitments.
The Nice Guys - Shane Black
Ryan Gosling was the revalation here which is weird to me because he’d already showed off all these tricks in the Big Short. He’s better there, in my opinion, and Russell Crowe as the pudgy decent badass is who really carries the day. Hannibal Burress shows up as a bumblebee in the greatest cameo since whenever the last time Tom Waits showed up in a movie. This one starts with a ton of promise, and gets increasingly rote until by the end the heroes are in the same shoot out Shane Black’s been making for 30 years. Funny though, and if they make a sequel I’ll see it.
The Forest - Jason Zada
I briefly belonged to a gym with a big dark room where a bunch of treadmills pointed towards a giant screen TV, and they’d show movies. Sometimes they’d show real movies like A Force Awakens and Concussion (which I never caught all of so I won’t review here but the parts I saw were surprisingly damn good), and sometimes they’d show cheap direct to video horror movies, like a movie about a house break-in that I’m positive was financed by a home security company, and this one. I actually liked this one, purely because it looks real good and it takes place in the Aokigahara Forest in Japan, which I’d never heard of before but got really interested in.
Green Room - Jeremy Saulnier
A grindhouse flick with Patrick Stewart nicely underplaying a psycho neo-nazi, this isn’t as good as Blue Ruin--one of the best movies of the past five years--but it’s pretty damn good.
The Jungle Book - Jon Favreau
There’s a scene in this movie where Scarlett Johansson plays a snake that alone is worth the price of admission, even at the bumped up 3D price. The movie doesn’t ever get that dark again, but the fact that someone had the idea to Dark Knight up the Jungle Book, and it worked as well as it did, is flabbergasting.
Hail, Caesar! - Joel and Ethan Coen
I don’t know how people who aren’t inclined to like every Coen brothers movie feel about this one--my mom and sister hated it--but I loved it. Weird, goony, centered around a bizarre communist subversion subplot that ultimately means nothing, this is the Coens at their not-giving-a-fuck best. In fact, skip La La Land and watch this subversive throwback to Hollywood’s gilded age instead. It’s way more fun and way more evil, and stars the god Josh Brolin.
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