#i feel like i'm dying trying to get myself to interact with people sometimes even despite how badly i want!!!! to interact!!!
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(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)
Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.
I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.
However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.
I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.
I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.
So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.
It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.
And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.
I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.
#tw suicidal thoughts#tw mentions of wanting to die#grief#depression#feeling stuck#did anyone ever get out of this mess#without needing another person to be kind to them
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hey.
people are dying, but you're giving your cause everything you can. i've seen you work hard to try to help people. you're donating. you're spreading the word. keep going.
keep questioning how you interact with the world and you'll keep gaining richer experiences for it. this is a turning point for many artists, writers, crafters, etc. wherein they realize that fan culture is not giving them what they could be getting by engaging directly with themes and topics and a medium that they personally care about most.
you have to engage with art to get better at art, and fan work can be a great vessel for your thoughts on art. fan work can be fulfilling, but it is also ultimately a sort of self-imposed constraint.
now. you clearly have stories you want to tell about trans men and war and pointless enterprise and they're outgrowing the tf2 framework. they have been for a while. i don't really like tf2, but i *do* like your art and think of you first as an artist who engages with the trans body before someone who partakes in fandom of any kind.
if you decide to take those stories in your own direction, i want to read them and watch them grow. take care.
I have mixed feelings because it's not that I see fan work vs. original work as the dichotomy here, but rather like. A lot of the stuff I do outside of it isn't particularly deep in and of itself but it's still meaningful.
It's funny cuz like, I started getting back into traditional art because I've been painting picket signs. You're not doing that because it's narratively engaging or even to make them beautiful, but to be eye-catching and make a point.
I guess that's mostly what I think about, it's more laterally like, something that can exist without needing to be to that ends.
I don't really think it's a matter of taking the stories I have and restructuring them to add "originality" because that wasn't the point of writing them in the first place, and I'm not going to forcibly take my experiences and try to twist them into a compelling story if they won't fit or shouldn't center me - rather, the work I do doesn't need to be that deep if the context I'm using it for is meaningful already, I don't need to cut myself up for parts.
I want to engage art and culture more in that sense, you know? I think that was part of the joy of making pottery to me when I used to do it, there was always this kind of practicality and physicality that makes it feel significant in ways that aren't simply expressed, regardless of "depth" or branding or anything else.
There is just a kind of funneling that inevitably happens with engagement and social media. I think acting like I'm totally above it isn't honest, it's now 2 AM as I'm writing this response. I don't think of myself as profoundly removed, more the opposite. I think even if you're aware, you sometimes don't realise how bad it is for you until you start peeling away.
There's a kind of sterile singularity to it, every aspect of how art and identity are engaged here. There tends to be a kind of singular authority people take to each other that shapes the landscape here. And there's very much an "I'm not like that" kind of dogma.
Paradoxically it is like, the thing where the more you argue the point, the more it seems like you're trying to establish yourself as the authority of it, and again it's not like none of these things can be meaningful at all, but there's a kind of undeniable tunnel vision you get sucked into.
I don't think anything I've done for the causes I'm interested in are praise worthy, I try to do what I can. But it's still the most valuable thing I could be doing.
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An introduction
(Because I just noticed I haven't done one)
My name(s): Dinnerbug!
Both just bug or dinner work too if you want to shorten it down, and I'm also very open to Nicknames :D
My pronouns: It's (very) complicated
Sometimes She/Him feels right, sometimes He/They, sometimes They/It. But I really am not sure, so any combination of those works for me!
Things I think people should know about me:
I don't care who, what or where you are, I don't care what you believe. As long as what you like, believe, identify as or do doesn't harm anyone (harm anyone innocent that is) then you do you. I'm sick of people bullying eachother over nothing and I've worked on myself to break that mindset of 'I don't like that so it's bad'. To put it short, I'm a very accepting person and I'm only judgemental towards assholes (edited to add this because I feel it's important and I forgot it when I first made this post)
I am very anxious and I have very little self-confidence. If you interact with me in any way, be it a message, comment or ask and I don't reply, I'm probably just drowning in anxiety trying to figure out what to reply with. So if something like that happens I'm so sorry if I respond late, it just takes me time and it is not your fault. Also sometimes I start writing weirdly formally and I have no idea how I developed that habit
Miscellaneous facts: This is gonna be long
I am autistic
I am british
I am asexual
I am non-binary
I have aphantasia (it sucks)
I love LORE
My favourite kind of fanfics are the kind where all my relatable favourite characters go through severe emotional turmoil and/or get hit into a wall with great force.
I can ride a bike
My favourite games are Minecraft and Portal 2
I love puzzles
I have an amazingly terrible sleep schedule. I will often be awake until 4am and asleep until 3pm.
I hope to learn to draw so I can interact with my favourite fandoms better and perhaps even make some friends
My hair is dyed
My favourite colour is black (boring I know)
My favourite word is No
My favourite foods are pizza, pasta, cheese and coconut
I'm very detail oriented
I don't tend to ship characters much
I tend to ramble a lot in posts like this I am so so sorry lmao
I'm so terrible at introductions I had to look at how other people format theirs for reference, and this probably still isn't very good :')
Fandoms I'm in and actively interact with: If any fandoms I list here are stereotyped negatively I promise I'm a nice, chill person and I just want to enjoy things peacefully (list may change over time)
Hermitcraft
(my favourite hermits: Grian and Mumbo)
Rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles
(my favourite characters: Leo and Donnie)
Avatar: the last airbender
(my favourite characters: Zuko and Iroh)
Hazbin hotel
(my favourite characters: Alastor and Vox)
I genuinely cannot think of any more but I promise I'm active in more than three fandoms (that's another thing, I'm terrible at thinking of things when put on the spot) 😭
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So, please tell me about how DMBJ: Ultimate Note "occupies a complex place" in your heart. 👀
Oh, boy. Okay.
I don't think Ultimate Note is a good show in terms of pacing, but then I don't think the majority of DMBJ adaptations I've seen are, so it's not exceptional. Ultimate Note was also my gateway drug/entry-level position I was hired for at the franchise, so to speak. So it naturally is in "I didn't say it was good, I said I enjoyed it" territory for me.
The personal aspect is that the person I was when I first sat down for Episode One, First Time Watching of Ultimate Note is a different person to me now, so much as to be just...beyond unrecognisable. If the past is a different country then that version of me is a stranger I just want desperately to hug and tell it's going to be okay - not just yet, but it will be. I think we have to practise empathy for who we were, and I was a very frightened, isolated, panicking person who had reached a breaking point and then fallen right through it and kept falling and kept falling - and then, when I hit the ground, had to figure out how to get up. The fact that when I watched Ultimate Note I felt Something was significant. It had become easy, and very normal, for me to feel like an outsider in the world, and then I had relearn what my place in the world was going to be, and having this show and my interest in it helped sustain me. I actually had multiple friends, God love them, try and bravely watch the show - mostly just because of how I had a visible reaction when talking about it. If you've ever doubted someone loves you, see how long they can last through the billionth parasite arc in a tomb-raiding franchise when they aren't even in the same fandom.
(Obviously, I have a LOT of feelings about Hei Xiazi as a disabled person and how that plays into my love for him, and my way of interacting with him in fics. I can talk about that too but this ask is already so long AND IT'S ABOUT TO GET EVEN LONGER, so. Another time I guess?)
I think it might seem strange to people, for someone to stay writing in a fandom so long and so consistently, without any seeming outside influence from the wider fandom. Like, I did the maths recently and on average, it's something like a fic or a fic update every two weeks for nearly three years. The only way I can put it is this. Writing HeiHua as a result of Ultimate Note at first, and then the other adaptations, really felt like the actions of a person who was not so much writing as curled, full-body, around a very small and guttering flame in a very, very dark room, refusing to let it go out.
And I really think that when something provides that for you, it doesn't matter how long for and how much it means you have to reckon with the past or how many years it's been since maybe you stopped engaging with it (although I haven't yet, but you see my point), you just adore it. But like, let's be real. Let's have some common sense here. A-ning wouldn't have looked like that after days dead in the jungle. I'm not asking for absolute forensic realism, but anything would've been appreciated. A-ning dying at all is part of a long, long history of women's pain for men's journeys. For every xenophobic take one of the adaptations has on an indigenous culture, I wish I could buy myself a coffee to stare sadly into, but then I would run out of money and have to peddle my wares door-to-door and all I have to sell is more HeiHua, and I'm just saying nobody has come calling to ask me to write the next movie for them, so.
But for real, I think all the time about that quote about how sometimes, reading something is like someone out of space and time reaching out to you and holding your hand. And like, I don't need Ultimate Note as an emotional crutch anymore. It's comforting, but my life is...just, so, so much bigger than it was when I started. The love is still there, and still as intense, just life is better and I get to savour my enjoyment even more now. And also criticise it. And also I have to keep busy making new women OCs forever because the more of the canon ones NPSS knocks off, the more I worry about the fictional depopulation of the DMBJ universe.
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Introspective life psyche diary no. 1
Just putting this here cuz i have no where to out it. NOT FAN FIC. I'm sorry. Miners dni still. Very sad shit. I will delete it later or move it somewhere else.
I remember being so lonely in my last relationship that I'd text myself here like this.
Me: Hello
Dalal: Hey, what's up!? What are you up to?
Me: My uncle passed away this morning
Dalal: Oh my god. I'm so sorry. What happened? Are you ok!?
It felt really sad, but I was desperate for interaction. Still, I'm like that. I try to fill the space with Allah now. I know now that no one can do that for me. All I have are me, the little mean voice in my head and Allah. Even here in my diary, you can see notes 'written by' the voice directed towards me. It does not rest until sobs croak from the deepest pit of my soul. The little mean voice is cruel and unforgiving, making Redacted a very familiar and almost comfortable figure. When he's nice, it's almost like the mean little voice sits down and relaxes. The little mean voice controls my feelings and my food intake. It rationalizes why I'm lonely and gives me impossible tasks to complete in order to change myself for the better.
I am cripplingly lonely. Sometimes, my ears would ring from the silence. The room could be loud, there could be plenty of people around me and suddenly, I'd slip away. I'd speak, but no one would hear me. I'd repeat myself and feel shame. My first time experiencing this was in kindergarten. I was sitting in a room full of children. Everyone was talking, laughing and playing and suddenly, my ears began to ring. I felt almost invisible. I felt like I could get up and no one would notice. No one was looking or talking to me, and no one had ever looked or talked to me. I realized then that I was on a separate plane. It's as if I was an actual ghost.
I often played by myself as no one wanted to associate with me. I would pick up rocks on the baseball field and drop them into my hair, spending recess picking them out and not knowing what was scalp and what was rock. I would sit on the edge of basketball courts with my legs outstretched, looking at nothing in particular. A ball went loose and a child older than me charged over to retrieve it, stomping on my knee in the process, tearing my young delicate skin in the process. I watched as blood rushed from the wound like a fountain. Strangely, I felt no pain. The child who stepped on me did not even look back at me. He must've not seen me because I'm a ghost.
I began to unconsciously envy the other children who went home. I wondered "What is it like?" I was never invited to other people's houses and I dreamed of adventure. I began to wander away from my home in the day and explore. I saw a child in one of the houses and let myself in. The family was shocked to find me there, but I had no idea it was wrong. It became a regular occurrence for me to enter certain homes. They didn't tell me to stop and gave me toys to play with.
I as an adult dissociate by closing my eyes and envisioning myself walking away into a black pit. Only I am illuminated. I can go wherever I want or I can stay there and be welcomed by the darkness where nothing changes without my say-so. I can imagine social interactions and dying in places so beautiful. I lay on the ground and stared into the sky. The sky stares back at me. The air tickles my nose and the leaves above shiver in the wind. A lovely spring day to cough up blood and feel my eyes dry as I lose the ability to blink. Lately, I find that I cannot use this form of escape as Redacted is already there waiting for me, voiced by the little mean voice.
To be a child and not understand why no one likes you but understand that no one likes you is a very tumultuous experience that can alter the psyche of a child and extend into adulthood. As an adult, I lack vital parts of my psychological needs because I haven't been accustomed to social interactions and don't fully understand other people. I don't understand their feelings, and how to react. How do inference what they are feeling without first relating it to myself, enacting empathy? I learned that this method should not be voiced as it shifts the situation's focus to yourself. If someone is crying, I would ask "Why are you crying", but not hug them. When do I hug them? Do I hug them? I don't understand timing and situational awareness or as others say 'reading the room'. This is not a natural thought process for me and is extremely difficult. Redacted said it's out of my control and it's ok, but also says it's not ok that I'm stupid and still need to take accountability. I panic when he says this because he won't explain what I did wrong, making it extremely likely that I'll do it again, making the mean little voice judge everything I do and resulting in me behaving extremely ridged.
When I'm being shouted at, all I can think of in the forefront of my mind is "I'm scared. You're scaring me. Please stop scaring me" as the back of my mind frantically tries to cross reference and figure out behaviours and actions lead me there that I must kill, all while repeating nasty words to me. If I am too stressed about a situation I have no control over, I force control by changing the way I feel about it. If you were to hit me, I'd tell myself I deserve it and try to figure out what I did so it might not happen again. Then I can feel safe and not afraid. If you were to continuously steal my food and threaten to leave if I interjected, I would tell myself that I enjoy sharing with you and I'm not hungry. I would tell myself I need to lose weight anyway. Hunger disappears when your body isn't used to receiving food at scheduled times. I can get used to it.
When I was in high school, I felt like if I looked away, people's movements would halt and stiffen to that of dolls while their jaws hung slack, emitting sound from their mouths like a prerecorded radio. I had difficulty believing that the world went on when I wasn't looking. It made me think that I was in control of everything. It brought me solace. It baffled me when things out of my control would happen. I would spend hours trying to figure out what I did and even more hours trying to blame myself. I'd rather it was me who made it happen than a third-party entity to remain in control. I began to wash my hands a certain amount of time, only stepping on clothes and towels and doing things a very certain way to have some imaginary control. I didn't want to believe that I didn't exist. If I'm a ghost to others, how long before I was a ghost to myself? Was I real or were they real? It couldn't be both of us because they didn't treat me like it. I was always the odd one out, I was always the last to get the joke, if I ever got it all, and that was if I wasn't the joke.
I was a fool to think that someone could enter the plane I exist on. Even if they were to exactly mirror my experiences, I find that those with narcissistic characteristics can't understand others as well as they think they do. They have a very weak ego, resulting in them creating various versions of themselves. You can see peaks of them if you look closely into their eyes and ask certain questions. This can be a slippery slope as they are quick to anger when their mental stability is questioned. These people often need to think they are above others, almost tricking themselves because they believe they are not. They may also feel imposter syndrome and discredit their accomplishments in private but boast about them in public.
A narcissist would sacrifice everything to maintain their pride. They mainly operate on their id and ego and rarely with their super-ego. Their superego would make them feel shame. Their id is their carnal desire to feel and their ego is the monster that allows its rain of terror as the superego remains silent. I have always attracted these people. I mainly operate on my superego. There isn't an action I perform without rethinking it. I can't afford to have others actively avoid me and be in my own company. Unfortunately, narcissists and people like me go hand in hand. Someone who likes to step on people and someone who will let them step. Keep in mind I don't enjoy this and would prefer death, but would do anything to remain in someone's company, living in the hope that they understand me.
I have never once finished a sentence in the presence of another person. Somewhere along the way, they fade away and I remember I'm talking to a wooden doll. I feel the same as talking to someone as I do writing it down. It all still exists in my head and nowhere else. I used to think "What's happening!? I'm speaking, but is the sound coming out!? Why is no one hearing me?" It's because I'm not saying anything of importance and nothing I say can be important. We weren't cut from the same cloth. No point in crying over spilt milk. I thought Redacted was the same as me until slowly, I began to realize that he sees me, but he doesn't care. I'd never felt that. I cried tears of joy and tears of agony. I felt dejected. He didn't understand me, but he also didn't want to. Unfortunately, he is a narcissist. I still write this as if he will read it, careful to explain my words. He wouldn't read a word. I'm still trying to make myself believe there's someone in the world who will get me. I am a woman before I am a human to him.
He told me to kind of speak better about myself but also told me time and time again that I'm not special. He told me I am a whore, but I'm not a whore. All women are whores to him because they require things from men, but what he described to me was the hierarchy of needs second and third from the top. Esteem needs and need for love and belonging. This applies to all humans. He receives his esteem from his will to believe he is the best and his want and belonging from multiple sources. I was a little envious of his ability to feel that way, but I knew I couldn't follow in his footsteps as that would make me a feminist and cloud my judgment, as it did him. I am a whore for wanting to feel love and belonging. Having it questioned and put in constant jeopardy, shared with others, made me into a jealous bitch, negatively affecting my esteem. I am trying to learn to hold no opinion of myself. When I dream, I'm a shiny translucent green and blue blob. Everyone in my dreams are nicer to me when I'm not Dalal. I don't know what I look like.
I always assumed being invisible meant I was excused from feeling negative emotions because there was no third party to inflict them, but that only made me angry with myself when it happened anyway. I am not immune to the desire to end my life. The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 13. It was Valentine's Day. I was going to hang myself in my sister's walk-in closet. This was the time I was counting objects to feel control. I was being teased heavily and my family would go out of their way to bother me about it. My mother decided she and I would go shopping for bed sheets for me that day. I'd never done that before. That began the happiest time of my life because I had an i pod touch, my first distraction. I then got a 3ds which completely cut out my need for social interaction temporarily. As with age, the need for company grows stronger and the lack thereof becomes readily apparent. I was unprepared to deal with the consequences of my social inexperience.
When I was hit by the car, I was not mad he had run away, I was angry he had at least reversed. I was mad at god, as wrong as it was. Why had he let me survive? Why do I now live with fear? I got over the fear using a simple trick after Redacted told me to get over it. When my older sister told me to get over the fear of sleeping alone when I was a child, I told myself "If I die, I die" and thus accepted death as the inevitable and something to not fear, but also something I now look forward to. I can walk across the street with no problem because this time, the car will kill me.
Today, I practiced control by trying to keep it all in my head and in here. This is where I exist. You can't rely on the physical world as people come in and move things. They can't move things in here. Redacted looking in was very alarming. If he sees and reacts in a way I don't like such as acting as if it was nothing at all, what would happen to me? If it was nothing to others, would the writing exist? Would that mean the words have no weight? Would I feel like writing here? After he did last time, I didn't. I stopped thinking. I set myself on autopilot. My defence mechanisms are strong, but his will to destroy them and leave me bare and helpless is stronger. A turtle's shell can not be removed as it is physically attached to the flesh with nerves. It will writhe in pain if you do. When my sister asks me "You can't tell me?" I can't. My shell is the only thing standing between those who want to leave me bloody and vulnerable and my safety. It's me against the world, as it's always been.
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Omgg you repliedd!!! Indeed the creative process is messy and i thought it's really a herculean task to ask anyone about their process but thank you so much for such a comprehensive detailed answer. I wil surely read up on the authors and books you have recommended and try to dissect them. Would love to also read the minotaur and Theseus story.
I'll mull about your answer for a couple times until I figure out what it means for me and how to apply it.
If you don't mind, here are some problems that i face in writing and i would love your advice :
it's plot and dialogue. When i sit down to write dialogue it's almost as if i forget how do people even talk .
2. I don't know how to plot, i have a kernel of an idea, characters and their journey but i drive into a blank wall when i think about how to actually extend the idea to a story, how to write incidents,scenes and events . I have no answer to the question 'What next? '
3. Another problem, what are you supposed to do to when you have a list of different ideas but don't know where to start from? which one to pick?
4. Also there can be a host of different possiblities for each story or ending, how are you supposed to pick?
5. My main problem is my inabiity to extend an idea to a story, to actually realise what is in my head into words on a paper. It's driving me crazy for years and i would be so so greateful for some relief.
I hope I am not being persistant and an inconvenience for pestering you with these messages and my troubles.
Also you are an excellent writer, please never doubt yourself.
You have indeed made my month too.
Hmm, honestly most of these aren't something I can answer. I can't direct you to which idea to pick or which ending to write, that's something you have to determine for yourself. And I feel you, it can be very hard! Sometimes you just have to throw all the ideas in a hat and pick one at random and commit to it.
That's the real key. Don't give up. Your draft is gonna be shitty. You're gonna miss scenes and it's gonna be terrible. That's a first draft. And usually a second. It gets better as you keep going, but if you bounce around - or never start - then you don't have anything to edit and expand on. Just pick something at random and start putting the words on the page.
Plotting is difficult and I always struggle with it. I frequently like using the Snowflake Method, which begins with your broad ideas for the story and helps drill down and determine the smaller ideas and scenes to further and support it. But nothing will tell you which scenes are required to further your story, only you will know that. I frequently like to work backward. For example, I'm writing a story where Victor Frankenstein and the Creature fall in love. So, I ask myself, okay how does Victor get over his animosity for the Creature? What forces them to interact? I saw one of my final scenes as a reversal of the ending of Frankenstein, in that I wanted to find Victor bent over the Creature's dying body and mourning him, desperate to keep him. So then I work backward. Why is the Creature dying? What happened to get him to this point? What brought Victor to be present? Why does Victor now care?
There are lots of different plot structures out there and everyone will tell you that they've got it all figured out, but the fun thing is that there really isn't one way to plot a book. You can be creative. The trouble is the paradox of choice. We have so many options that it makes it hard to figure out the right option for us. You might get midway through your story and decide you don't like the plot structure. That's happened to me. Sometimes you have to go back and rewrite, sometimes you can reorganize scenes. It's all a part of the process.
Working backward works well for me, but it's absolutely not the only method. There are a lot of great books on writing and fiction that have addressed this far more intensively and eloquently than I ever could! I really recommend Craft In The Real World by Matthew Salesses; Steering The Craft by Ursula K. LeGuin; Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott; Meander, Spiral, Explode: Design and Pattern in Narrative by Jane Alison; and The Writing Life by Annie Dillard. There are some great online resources like The Center for Fiction, classes like Gotham Writers Workshop, and a lot of libraries offer free workshops and lectures for aspiring writers or can direct you to a wealth of other resources that I haven't even thought of.
When it comes to dialogue, the best thing a writing instructor ever told me was to steal from real life. Pay attention to conversations you have and hear around you. Write them down. Be a magpie of everything. I have a constant note running in my phone of things I hear. When I notice dialogue I really love in books or shows, I mark the passages and try to learn to write in that way. To mimic it. Like right now I'm going over the Succession script book to study the dialogue as it's just absolutely incredible. There's really no better way. Look at the stuff you admire, try to pick it apart and make it your own.
I hope this helps in any way! I know it's difficult and hard to navigate, but I really really do rec those writing books as resources, they've helped me immensely and I think you'll find gold in there.
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GET TO KNOW THE MUN.
what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have?
I like fictional pretty men. And I have a lot of headcanons for Grusha that I wanted to share that aren't necessarily always the norm for how people depict him. That's it.
is there anything you don’t like to write?
Animal death, especially anything related to cats or cat-adjacent animals dying. I have deepset trauma related to it.
There's a lot of things that I flatout refuse to write. You're always free to ask.
is there anything you really enjoy writing?
I'm an absolute shipping FIEND. Not just romantic or sexual ships either, but platonig friend- and family ships as well, or even enemyships. Of course there's gotta be chemistry between our muses and I need to trust you oocly and have had ooc convos with you as a mun extensively before, wether in tags, dms, discord, what have you. Communication needs to exist.
how do you come up with headcanons?
Some of them come to me based on wether or not I agree with headcanons other people have or not. My creativity works best when there's a baseline to work off of.
Otherwise I come up with them as I go, and try to weave them into existing lore as best as I can.
do you write in silence or do you play music?
I usually have always something playing in the background, wether it be music or other videos I'm listening to on the side. I don't feel comfortable in silence most of the time. But sometimes it gets too much even for me, and when that happens I usually turn all videos off for like five minutes to center myself, and then turn the back on on reduced volume.
do you plan your replies or wing them?
Mostly wing them after mullying over generally what I want the vibes in the post to be.
do you enjoy shipping?
Absolutely yes. I'm a HUGE shipping whore.
what’s your alias/name?
Nayen
age?
27
birthday?
November!
favorite color?
Green!!! Boy there is no depth to how much I love the color Green
favorite song?
Love you like Religion by Blake Roman right now
Also Ricochet and Satellite by Starset
last movie you watched?
I actually don't remember lol
last show you watched?
The Mentalist, and Sousou no Frieren (my beloved)
last song you listened to?
Taishi - The Tower which is telling time 3, by Elegant Sister on youtube
favorite food?
Rotisserie Chicken
favorite season?
Fall
do you have a tumblr best friend?
I don't think so? I've got people that I interact with and trust more than others, like Floof over at @gravity-wall or @gcd-fcrsaken for example, and Tabby @destinybcnds as well as Fox @nickitsden
tagged by: no one, i stole it from @traveling-psychic
tagging: @destinybcnds @gcd-fcrsaken @tierra-paldeana @beiowzero @nickitsden @laprimera
ofc no pressure though!
otherwise feel free to steal it if u want
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🌟⭐🌟 would love to hear more about any chapters you wanna share more about!! I love your chapters spent delving into the fade and into memories of Mao's past...
aaaAaaaa!! Can I just say every time I see your name it makes me so happy!!
I'll try and offer some thoughts below the cut ~
I thought I had a problem with abusing the Fade to drive parts of the story, but I am extremely relieved that that doesn't seem to be a problem! I suppose in my defense, with Mao and Solas being Pre-Veil denizens, Fade stuff is unavoidable lol. I think flashbacks in the Fade are my favourite thing to write because of just how easily it can toss the plot on its head. The Fade is alive in my version of DA and the possibilities are endless!
I think it's actually impossible for me to talk on any specific published chapter because I get carried away too easily and it is a tad overwhelming due to the story's length, so...perhaps instead a little about what's coming? The supply of Fade-diving and flashbacks in the future have yet to run dry bahaha.
Most recently I wrote something that I should keep quiet about but I'm dying to share! As vague as I be, I wasn't expecting to go into was the ancient history of Enso in the main story. I had always planned to write it as a separate entry so I could spend more time with plot-irrelevant details (I still might). There was also this little part of me that wanted to keep Maordrid's beginning vague (as in, I haven't stated whether she was Fade-born or Elven-born and I never will reveal that, I want people to draw their own conclusions), and there was also deciding whether to give Enso more of a form or leave the horrors up to the reader's imagination.
Despite all of that hemming and hawing, it became necessary to explore Enso with Maordrid's impending 'curse' (and then some), so…it found its way into the story and I'm SUPER excited about who is involved in it and what it means for her. Like, even with the wild origin that is emerging for her, she still remains tiny - neither a hero nor a villain, nor someone who has really left any real mark in history. Everyone else flows around her like this river of change and she sort of gets buffeted around, sometimes she is carried into the darker currents, loses her way, and so on.
That's not the only thing of course! I've honestly just been excited about the story since Chapter 111/Falon'Din's Shadow because I feel like that's where Maordrid's character really began emerging (it only took 110 chapters lol)...and all the following character interactions as well. At least for me it has been so much fun to write.
I've neglected to mention the others here, like Dhrui & Asmodei, or even Dhrui and upcoming Abelas, Yin, or any of characters with lesser roles...but they all make me very excited! I just know myself 😂if I try to talk about any of them this will end up being over a thousand words sjkfhfjk
So yea a lot of rambling! If there's anything you'd like to know more about specifically, feel free to ask more questions!! I love to interact with my readers 💚
Thank you so much for dropping in my friend!
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This is gonna be another rant post. You don't have to read it. I just have nowhere else to put this.
You guys can tell me if this is bad to put this out here, but I honestly have no one else that I feel I can turn to with this, so I'll put it here. This post by @//wispscribbles has been on my mind lately. It perfectly sums up how I've been feeling lately.
It's been something I've been feeling since I knew the game would come out, and since I've taken other hits to my personal life. Major blows.
Why I don't feel I can go to anyone else is because to other people the idea of having such a strong, deep, emotional connection to a fictional character is stupid. and going to them with these things really hurts me when I hear that.
I grew up pretty much forced to be silent, a pretty abusive family never gave me opportunity to be my own person and tried to snatch that away from me. So I've always clung to fictional characters.
These made up characters were the only friends I had. And only just two years ago did I actually, really start growing a little circle of a couple friends for myself. I was always really isolated from all those things. So fictional characters was where I turned when I couldn't get love from my own family or bare minimum friendship.
And that really hurts me when stuff like this happens in the game...
I know it may be "stupid" because they did what they had to. But just the whole game in general and how it felt seeing clips felt dry to me. And I don't know why if affected me so much. Other than I'm already not doing well at all.
I've been trying to push away and sort of avoid what's been happening lately. I was starting to feel better, to battle my depression, and now it's come back twice as bad. I've always been scared of who I might be if I was truly happy. I've been staying in bed much, much longer. I stay up past 1 just so I can have the interaction with people I feel I want but have always been scared to reach out for.
I've fallen back into the eating disorder that I've been stuck with since I was ten. I was just starting to get over all these things and work through them. I was getting good and healthy and I felt good!
And that's where I hate it the most. I was doing so good... And not good enough.
And unfortunately, I don't know what to do. I feel... Numb. I've slowly been losing my passions, stuck in a house with the same videogames, a job, a dying console, no friends, one family member I can trust and... That's it.
Even when I have tried to make friends, I'm so socially anxious and terrified I can barely go anywhere by myself. I can't adult because I never had a childhood. It's always been adulting. I can't make friends because I struggle to hold basic conversations with people. I've never had just a casual conversation with someone my age.
And that's one of the reasons I can't make friends. Is because I never had any to begin with.
These fictional characters have been what I've clung to since I was eight.
They're who I turn to when the world goes to shit and a bunch of stupid stuff happens. I honestly don't mean to ramble and spill all my business like this, but I'm struggling. I'm really struggling.
I've been lucky enough that through my loss of enjoyment in some of my videogames, technology, hiking, art, music... That I haven't lost writing. Not yet.
My writing is where I can keep my characters alive and that's why I think, and I hope I don't lose this too.
So honestly, I thank you all a million times for each like and comment and reblog. Even if it makes me happy for a few minutes, it helps sometimes. Because these characters are pretty much all I have, and I want to do them justice.
Yeah... Sorry about this, too much stuff happening and I don't want to dump it on you guys. Stay frosty ok? 👍🏻
I really hesitated to post this and I don't have my ducks in a row. All the mental health posts about how I want to take a break but I genuinely can't. A couple days is all I can do and I hate it sometimes.
This will probably get taken down once it fully sinks in that I probably shouldn't post this. I'm here to give you fics and cod, and this isn't it. Sorry.
#im sorry to push this onto you guys but i truly have no one go turn to#and where i live medical help therapy and other things are getting f-d up#these characters literally the only thing ive ever had in my life#they're the closest thing i know to a friend#and that's extremely sad for me
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I think I should study more about dissociation/derealization. I'm pretty sure a lot of what I've been dealing with mentally might have something to do with this.
And yes, I'm aware I'm not a psychologist and can't self-diagnose. It's just been something I've suspected for a while now but never really looked into. But I'm also not sure I fully understand it or what it entails. Or if what I'm experiencing is something else entirely.
All I know is that, ever since the age of 18, I just got really weird. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a very dreamlike state, or like I'm doing dr*gs even though I'm sober (like, everything looks and feels so different and trippy for some reason). Other times, it feels like I'm hardly even sentient. I'll just be doing stuff and talking to people and whatnot, but everything will just feel so dark and like I almost have no thoughts. Or when I do think, it will be like, "Oh, I'm alive? I'm here? I've been alive? There's a world around me? I exist?" And when I'm like that, I feel like I can hardly form sentences or even be consciously aware of my surroundings or others.
And like I said, the first time I really noticed I was doing something like this was when I was 18. And it didn't just last for a few hours or a few days. It was really intense and lasted a few months. I just remember being so obsessed with death/dying. Doing intense research on life after death (or lack thereof). Literally not being able to focus on anything else. It kind of just came out of nowhere, although things had been very stressful that year. And I stopped eating and taking care of myself. I remember everything looking so dim. The edges of my vision were dim. I HATED feeling cold because for some reason my mind was associating it with non-existence at the time. Animals and other people also just felt really robotic and uncanny. Everyone's movements just felt machine-like, as if they were just programmed and they weren't sentient. I started to question if I or anyone or anything else is actually sentient and if maybe this is all a fluke. Or something. And I remember in therapy just not being able to explain this at all. I didn't even know where to begin. So I kind of just would talk about random shit, ig while the therapist evaluated me. And the random shit really was random and kind of didn't make sense. And would sometimes just be invasive anxieties that came out of nowhere. I remember one time I started defending the existence of supernatural shit. Insisting that it's not invalid for people to believe or try to perform magic. That it just REALLY needs to exist. Yeah, idk why I was doing that.
And then... I snapped out of it. And unfortunately, I just stopped going to therapy without getting a diagnosis. At the time, ig I just thought it wasn't going anywhere. And I have mixed feelings about it now because idk if I was just being completely impossible to work with or if maybe they were noticing how weird I was being and needed extra time to work it out.
I've had a few other long term episodes (?) like this too. All of them very different from the other. I had a couple of them this past year, actually. At the beginning of this year, I was CERTAIN I interacted with supernatural entities in some way, even if I didn't fully understand the how and why, and that I accidentally tore the fabric of the universe in some way and opened up another dimension. By complete accident. I just felt like I "went too far" or something. And I was now experiencing and learning about things that were "too abstract" for me to understand, but I had a tip of the tongue feeling about it. I felt so strongly that there was something there and no one was seeing it. And I was just SO CLOSE to seeing it. When I told my sister, she said I was having a delusion. I insisted that it wasn't a delusion and would it really be so crazy if something existed but was invisible to us but would actually be very relevant? The other episode was very similar. Feeling like I fucked up the fabric of the universe in some way again. Oh, and also feeling like the Earth was unusually small and the atmosphere felt really low to the ground. It kind of felt like I was on a set. I also remember the sun feeling unusually white.
I notice it only happens when something really stressful happens in my life. Like, when there's intense family drama or right after I left my toxic relationship. Otherwise, it's not as intense as the months long episodes and it just feels like mild dissociation now and then. It feels really weird typing this all out and thinking about the fact that I really was thinking these thoughts and experiencing reality this way. And the more I experience it, the more shame I feel over it. I almost never talk about this because I feel like no one will believe me or take me seriously. Or they'll just write me off as someone to stay away from.
And yes, if it helps, I did have a traumatizing childhood.
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Thinking he'll see ghosts if he gets involved in tarot-thats literally me,couple of years ago when I got into spirituality,tarot etc I was so scared watching tarot videos,even sometimes I get scared while watching some particular type of videos,usually the one's with talking to spitit guides or passed on loved ones,I've decided and then undecided to connect directly to my spirit guides,they are allowed to give me message in my dreams or in other non scary ways tho they don't seem to do so much,maybe I can't see it,last year I was trying to astral project for few months cause I noticed I've been doing a lot of the things people tell you to do for astral projection and maybe it was meant to be,after many half attempts,lucid dream nightmares(nightmares are common for me in general yikes) and few almosts I gave up,I thought I could talk directly to my spirit guides there but I just couldn't be nonchalant about oh you might see a shadow figure,you might come across tricksters,for me I need to know everything about something and prepare for it properly,also if you tell me this might or might not happen my brain will cling to it happening so I'm on guard so it's hard for me to take chances with this,even I am spiritual,I have severe anxiety disorder(untreated atm due to things out of my control)and that probably has some hand in this,have you ever felt this way? how do you deal with being scared of things like this?
oh my god when I started getting into these things, I was sooooo scared!! i started doing telepathy communication with my future spouse and sometimes I'd just see or feel the person in my room and I'd FREAK OUT, turn on all the lights, look every corner to see if there's something or someone, then distract myself somehow so I wouldn't think of it while also being vigilant, just in case.
how did it get better? literally just figuring out what's going on and how things work. before being into spirituality, I was super into science, so my spiritual knowledge is intertwined with scientific explanations, makes things less scary. because science explains everyday life in simple ways, spirituality is literally a type of science. I don't like when people explain spirituality in complicated terms or make it feel like magic or something exclusive, spirituality is everyday life and habits. spiritual practices like tarot cards are just supposed to make it easier, it's not a big deal.
I don't personally believe spirits can interact with the physical world, that's why I'm not a fan of talking to spirit guides too often, it can confuse the shit out of you. so that horror movie thing where ghosts pull your feet at night is literally impossible, they can't harm you physically or force you into anything. I think they can bring ideas into your head, but only if you ask and you'll only follow if you're susceptible or agree.
I personally don't like watching general tarot videos and things like that because that type of media usually reaches a bigger audience - it's more difficult to interpret the messages and too many people "popularize" their beliefs for money and attention. I'd say if you don't feel comfortable in a video, just move along, it's not a big deal at all.
I think most of us are chilling when it comes to shadow beings, I like to think of them as black holes - if you came into contact with one, you wouldn't be able to avoid it and it would cause major destruction, but how many stories have you heard of someone dying in a black hole? the other "dark spirits", I think of them as natural disasters like hurricanes, you can easily protect yourself from it, some people are more susceptible to it's consequences, but also most people can and do recuperate from it. and if you're prepared, it's not that big of a deal.
i hope this helps! it's just my personal thing, but figuring out how science explains spiritual beliefs is the best thing for anxious people that are into these things hehe
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a whole heap of questions + tags
15/25/a lot of very normal questions tag, sticky pancaked by @kaiusvnoir @blind-the-winds and @mjjune
1 - do you prefer owls capybaras, or flamingos?
-- I feel like this goes without saying, but owls. I'm Sleepy Owl!
2 - what is your favorite soup?
-- unknown, but possibly leek and potato with bacon
3 - what is your favorite rock?
-- well, opals are my birthstones and I do love them. I also love malachite and obsidian and alabaster and eilat and labradorite.
4 - choose a familiar:
- very dumb, very loving disobedient dog. he loves you but will never listen to you ever
- a raven that speaks but it only ever shrieks the name of various fast food restaurants
- a toad that screams like a teenage boy instead of croaks
-- is- is it okay if I don't have a familiar? I like animals best when I'm admiring them and not interacting with them
5 - which planet do you feel would be kind of an asshole if you met them?
-- I assume Jupiter, named after mr. would have sex with a rock if it was pretty and who gets jealous in two seconds flat
6 - if you were a worm would you love me?
-- idk, can worms love people? I'd assume they were all about dirt
7 - least favorite type of clothing?
-- shoes with heels and bras with wires
8 - you are now in a horror movie-so sorry. chance of survival?
-- depends on the genre, I think. if it's the kind where someone has to die to save everybody else, I'm the one dying
9 - would you rather: the ability to instantly grow a perfect mustache or the ability to talk to vegetables?
-- seeing as I neither want a mustache nor don't currently have the ability to talk to vegetables, I think this is redundant
10 - what do you think of whales?
-- they're cool, and like most people, I believe they belong in space
even more questions and amusing answers under the cut!
11 - are you named after anyone?
-- my middle name is my mom's name
12 - when was the last time you cried?
-- monday, I think. I was very tired.
13 - do you have kids?
-- only all the kids and not-kids I have adopted at work and on here
14 - do you use sarcasm a lot?
-- yeah, but only with the people I can trust to know exactly what I mean when I'm using it. it's a love language but I only use it if you also speak it
15 - what's the first thing you notice about people?
-- hair color, I think. I am unsure why. after that it's voice and inflections.
16 - what's your eye color?
-- blue, like normal greyish-blue, but the outsides are darker and the insides by the pupil are silver. I never noticed this until other people pointed it out
17 - scary movies or happy endings?
-- happy endings. I don't get scared by movies in the sense that they haunt me after, but I also don't enjoy suspense at all and jump scares just remind me of my sister trying to prove that I was scared of everything when in fact I just truly detest sudden loud noises
18 - any special talents?
-- I give excellent hugs, and I'm really good at explaining people's emotions back to them. I did this all through college and still now. my friends would tell me they didn't know why they were feeling some way, and I'd break it down and help them figure it out. it's nice, but so exhausting. I also read really fast.
19 - where were you born?
-- 1/4 mile from my house at the hospital down the street
20 - what are your hobbies?
-- explaining my nerdy thoughts to people or just to myself, writing, reading, drawing, crocheting, making art journals, watercolor, rearranging and organizing inconsequential aspects of my life, video games, buying books and tea.
21 - have you any pets?
-- a dog and two cats that aren't technically mine and I prefer it that way
22 - what sports do you play/have played?
-- I'm truly horrendous at most sports, but I'm an okay golf player sometimes and I did american isshinryu karate for 5 years which I was quite good at. I made it to second-degree brown (for anybody who knows) before I stopped when I went off to college
23 - how tall are you?
-- 5'5"/165cm
24 - favorite subject in school?
-- art and history
25 - dream job?
-- I'd like be the nicest landlord with the cheapest rent for (especially students) people who need a place to stay between other places to stay and I'd write on the side. what I do now isn't so bad, actually. I enjoy many parts of it. but if I didn't live at home I couldn't afford to work there
I'd also like to echo Breezy's sentiment of having a cozy hangout shop with niche items. I really enjoy being/creating a sanctuary for people, and I'd like to do it on a broader scale, if only I didn't have to like, have so much more money already to do that
(this next set is added by me)
26 - what kind of not-usually-classified-as-nice weather do you enjoy, actually?
27 - if you had to eschew one color from your wardrobe forever, what would it be?
28 - do you have a favorite flower. if you don't know the name you can just describe it. you can google one right now if you don't have an answer.
29 - when you explain stuff to yourself in your head or out loud, do you imagine another person there who's listening, like a character from your current fixation? who's the rubber duck, or is it just you?
30. what's a candle scent that sums up your vibes? you can invent one.
@ink-fireplace-coffee @klywrites @ellatholmes @did-i-do-this-write @myhusbandsasemni @stupid-elf @oh-no-another-idea OR ANYBODY. I'M DOWN TO KNOW ABOUT ANYBODY.
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Hidden Agenda Ep 4
Even though no one will see this because tumblr still hates me and support is ignoring me, I am determined to keep going for my own sake.
I am really annoyed though, at this point. So that will probably creep in. Apologies beforehand if anyone does actually stumble upon this. I am not good at dealing with frustration, and this whole thing is like trying to interact with people through a two way mirror. I can see you but you can't see me, and it doesn't matter how much I wave or try to get your attention, it just doesn't happen. I hate it.
Anyway. Moving on.
HAHAHA oh I love the only one bed trope.
Aw he's a regular. That's cute.
"Why did you want to come with me?" Zo. Seriously. ZO.
"You are my dear student" are you fucking kidding me with this.
AOU. I mean, JENG. Yaaaay! HI, hi, hi! Does that mean a wild Boom - I mean, Pok - will soon appear?
Yes. Yes it does. Pfft and everyone thought that they were a secret couple. Apparently not so much, I'm dying.
Why the dramatic music? I am so confused. Is Pok using my darling to try to make Zo jealous? Because if so I will be irritated. Or is Zo just pissy because now there are three whole people on his trip with him?
Liveblogging is so stressful I should stop (I won't stop).
Gonna say I feel like Zo is probably just bothered Pok didn't trust him enough to tell him about Jeng.
And yep. There it is. He's just hurt that he found out by accident. My dude, sometimes it's not about you. Although I do get him feeling awkward about the way he found out.
Ah, it's about Nita. Well, you did drag her to the library under false pretenses and then read her a myth that had nothing to do with the help you said you needed and got weird about it. I'm on Team Nita in that interaction, Zo.
Although as an overanalytical person myself I do deeply understand the way Zo has gotten into his head here. And okay I probably just have The Eclipse on the brain (when don't I, really) but this is so very soft!Akk & Aye coded, lol. Zo is the over analytical one who cares way too much about other people and Joke is the one who cares about himself and his people and thinks that Zo should focus more on himself.
Ha so Joke is afraid of heights. I would love to walk on a glass floor like this. I've done so other places and it is a trip. I love it. But I have never had a height thing so that probably helps.
Aw yes Zo get handsy while helping Joke with his fear. We like that. Him physically stopping Joke from looking down...we love to see it.
Oh they are cute on their little date. Zo better cotton on to the fact that it's a date soon. We already know he's now aware of his own attraction and Joke...is not subtle.
No I want to know what a boomerang is too. I am not hip with the social media stuff and this is the second time I have heard this boomerang thing.
I am going to have to google it aren't I?
Aw, Zo. Okay I'm really warming up to him this ep. And I have said it before, but I think that Dunk has really improved. He lost a lot of the little quirks that drove me nuts in SIMM and he's way more natural here, less stiff and like he isn't sure where to move his limbs at any given moment.
Oh my gosh this phone thing is too much for me. It's cute but aaah no too much.
My gosh this dude is so smitten please someone put him out of his misery. It's up to you, Zo.
Ah okay so it is a hidden relationship, just not from friends. I'm guessing family stuff? Does that mean it'll rear its head with Joke too? Will that be our central conflict (if we have one)?
This is making me hungry. I really need to make something to eat before watching these shows.
Hahaha oh Zo. Honey.
Ah, so it's that he doesn't want to be picked on by his straight friends. Man, this is so different from Max I kind of love it. And I really hope that they talk because this kind of thing can break a relationship. I have said this before but it doesn't matter how much you love each other, if one person wants to be out and another can't or won't be, it can easily breed resentment that will slowly strangle the relationship.
Oh no I see a guitar.
Please don't sing, please don't sing, please don't sing.
"Expressing your feelings doesn't make you weak" - louder for the people in the back, please.
Don't sing! Don't you do it! Don't you -
Sigh.
Oh at least the second bit was clearly done via studio. Raw singing is usually just not that great. Literally only Gawin has pulled it off recently.
So are they gonna kiss or not this ep, we think? It's not mid series, that will be next ep, so I'm guessing either it cuts out before their lips meet or they get interrupted.
Then again.
Haha but now Zo's gonna go into panic and avoidance mode. Well that's abut what we all expected, I think.
Still cute.
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3, 7, 9, and 11 !!
Questions for Muns | @claysplosion
3. whose writing has impacted your writing style the most? (you can choose anyone! famous writer or not.)
definitely have a lot of influence from famous fantasy writers (t/olkien, c/s l/ewis, etc) simply bc they were such a big thing from my childhood & are big inspirations for my own writing. my friends' writing has an impact on my own too, technically - whether that's just an appreciation of a different style (which sometimes prompts me to try something different) or learning new words bc my vocabulary will never be complete & i'm all about improving myself as a writer
7. describe your favorite relationship dynamic. (can be any kind, platonic, romantic, familial, antagonistic, etc.)
i am a real sucker for found family dynamics (the a/katsuki are 100% a highly dysfunctional found family and i won't be told otherwise) & i thrive on antagonistic bonds that develop into mutual respect/friendship (& potentially romantic feelings, depending on the characters). love/hate is definitely one of my favourite ship dynamics (that's such a shock, i know). i also love a good slow-burn romance between damaged characters who have to learn to let people in again bc the potential for pain is just... *chef's kiss*
9. when you look at a new blog, what is it that makes you press the follow button? is it the muse, the aesthetics, the writing–?
definitely if it's a muse i'm interested in interacting with (or muses, for multis). if it's an oc, i like to see detailed information or some means of getting a feel for the character (bios for canon characters give extra points, particularly if there's some divergence involved). outside of the actual muse/s, the blog has to be easy to navigate & read, bc i'm not straining my eyes or searching blindly for pages. i like to have at least a basic set of rules so i can get a feel for the person behind the blog & there absolutely has to be a mun age listed somewhere. and obviously the writing is important, bc our styles have to gel together - and i have to know if the other person formats their posts to the point where it's unreadable bc... no. sorry, but no.
i am rather picky about who i follow when it comes to accessibility /shrug
11. describe your ideal outcome/endgame for the muse you are currently writing. if you are a multimuse blog: do this for your current favorite muse, or the muse of the last reply you posted.
gonna use my current top three muses for this bc i can never pick just one. in no particular order-
k.akuzu - obviously, not dying when he did, but ideally he escapes from his imprisonment in k.onoha and just... goes back to how he lived before the a.katsuki. roaming the world as a bounty hunter, gathering money & living forever. like, he's obviously a criminal who deserves to be locked up but at the same time... i just want him to do his own thing again
k.iba - he needs to be a dad. preferably to an entire pack of feral kids (90% daughters would be first choice) who run riot around the i.nuzuka compound. i don't even care who his partner is in this scenario, just make him a dad.
y.amato - the man needs to retire to a little cabin in the woods where he can live peacefully for the first fckn time in his entire life. have beautiful gardens he grew himself & a little vegetable patch & a home full of houseplants. but... given that he absolutely wouldn't do that bc it's y.amato, give him some baby ninja to train as a teacher.
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I feel like my blog is slowly dying...and it hurts me more than I would like to admit. I know I haven't written enough these past few days/weeks to keep a crowd entertained. But whenever I try to write, the blank page just stares back at me, and the words don't find their way out of my head.
I think I needed the evaluation from people on here more than what one considers healthy. Now that I don't get a lot of comments/feedback, I feel like the only good thing in my life is gone. (I don't want to put the blame on anyone, I'm just trying to explain myself)
I do not know what to change so it'll work and be fun again.
I have reached the lowest point of my life right now, and I can't get up on my own again. And not even writing helps me escape reality, because well, I can't.
So I think I will just say goodbye for now. Maybe I'll come back to writing again, I don't know.
Just know that I love it here. It was/is so much fun to interact with all of you. Made my life so much more enjoyable.
Sorry for everyone waiting for a request, I won't delete them in hopes of getting them done sometime in the future. Sorry again.
Maybe everything will be alright soon, and this post will seem like a bad joke.
Until hopefully soon, farewell.
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My dude, its not that your content is boring, or you are a bad writer, or that people hate you. Quite the contrary, you are incredibly creative and passionate and that is always a delight to see. The thing is you are on a dying website on a fandom that tends to be the butt of jokes (so most people dont want to be associated with it) and you write about one of the last popular characters there. Its a niche community, thats why your posts dont reach a big audience. (1/2)
I can't help but feel that way lately ever since my instrusive thoughts came back bad the worst they've ever been and it feels like everyone is proving all the horrible things my mind is telling me about myself and my work to be true. It just seems like people don't really care about what I have to offer anymore, like I can't entertain anymore so now I'm worthless. The idea that my creations that make me happy makes others happy too is one of the only things that kept me going and motivated to share more but it feels like it's dwindling. I appreciate you and everyone else that has been supporting me and I'm glad you still enjoy my content. I don't want to seem ungrateful but my mind is being nasty to me and seeing how a lot of people seem to be losing interest across all three of my blogs more than ever is getting me down even more.
It's a shame that the site is dying when Twitter is garbage that kills the passion and creativity of many. Yeah that might be a part of it but I definitely have a more active follower base than it seems most of the time. I notice this when a bunch of people following me only like/rb/interact with stuff I reblog and clearly scroll past my self made posts in between. And yeah Eggman isn't that popular, especially not modern/game canon. But I'm even starting to feel like an outcast to the Eggman fandom space here (despite being here before most since 2015 when there were barely any Eggman posting blogs. I was the one accused of gatekeeping for not liking jimbotnik but I'm the one feeling pushed out and alienated now lol) because I don't like the movie and I'm not big on the popular romantic ships, headcanons, and fanon interpretations now. It just feels like everything I do is wrong and what I have to offer is never good enough, or the interest doesn't last because I don't do all the new things that are considered cool now.
Undoubtedly part of it is also that I write more. But fuck man, art is hard and even harder when you have to digitalize it on a phone. It's become more stressful than fun so I can't do it a lot. I just wish that fandoms didn't always make creators feel like writing doesn't matter and isn't as good as art. I've seen people entirely disregard writing and automatically assume it to be trash just because it isn't art. And a lot of people don't tend to support writing like they do with art, even if they do like it. But I wish people understood that creators need at least some support if they want them to keep creating, otherwise they won't think it's worth it or anyone cares. We're not mindless content machines to pump out content and entertain until people get bored of us. Both art and writing takes time, passion, and effort and a bit of support goes a long way but sometimes you get nothing but silence and it can be more crushing than hate at times, left to wonder if your creations were even worth your time to create or anyone else's to consume.
But aside from that, what also gets me down is that I do actually see people supporting other's writing and encourage more from them but I don't get any of that type of support, feedback, or criticism from those very same people when it comes to mine, despite them being so similar. I tend to get brushed off or ignored or nowhere near as much hype. And I know it sounds like jealousy but it honestly just makes wonder what, is it just my stuff specifically that's just not good enough for them? And it just never seems good enough, no matter how hard I try. I realize there are times it is in fact personal and I have no idea why because they don't tell me and I feel terrible when it ends up confirming my fears, then I worry if it's always the case. That's the stuff that hurts the most, more than people just outright telling me if they don't like or aren't interested in my stuff anymore, which would hurt less.
I know not everyone thinks I should die really but it's easy to think that way in times where I get insults and suicide bait from people shitting on me and what I do more than I get positive or supportive comments. So that's why it feels like people just want me to die, I'm told so in my inbox. I'm not saying I demand endless high praise but just someone simply saying they enjoyed something I posted instead of just silence has a way bigger positive impact than they think but some don't anymore. And if there's a reason why or it isn't personal, I wish they'd tell me so it puts my mind to rest, instead of pretending I don't see blatant disinterest or the ignoring that drives me mad and kills motivation. The hateful people are more vocal and then it feels like nobody else cares and it drags me down.
I swear some people, both general followers and some people I'm closer to are just losing interest and getting sick of me personally and it's hard seeing it happen and seemingly being unable to do anything, making it feel like my time of being capable of doing anything good and likable in their eyes has passed. And it's just hard accepting that and letting it go, especially when you never get the real answers and you're left wondering what went wrong and why you're not good enough anymore. I've had moments of realization where my heart sinks when I present something I'm proud of and I get unenthusiastic responses or silence. And feeling either people drift away or being insulted more often than anything positive gives my sick brain a lot to work with in further attacking me with nasty intrusive thoughts too. But like I said, that last part is on me and I feel I'm just genuinely too mentally ill to handle being on the internet.
I appreciate all of you that do support me and my passion and creations, it might just look silly on the surface with my rambling and gushing but what I create is important to me and it means the world to me that it's enjoyed by anyone else. It gets tough with my mind and negativity I receive but I try not to lose sight of the positive things or forget people enjoy my work, which makes it worth turning my passion and ideas into something I can share. I'm trying to get better at not letting negative and hateful stuff matter and only value the good but sometimes when I'm already dealing with enough privately and come online and see this happening too, it's the little extra push I need to reach the breaking point. But at the same time, when I'm in some of my darkest places with things I don't talk about, coming online and seeing kind words and knowing my stuff is enjoyed means everything and manages to put a smile on my face, no matter how awful I feel. And that's what keeps me creating and sharing for as long as I'm here. Thank you. 💜
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