#i dpnt know how i havent | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tigris-types · 5 years

Text

Do you know whats weird?

Its that I have a boyfriend. I'm not even used to saying it. That yes, I have a boyfriend, someone who is a boy and is more than just a friend.

Now, I'm used to friends. Im used to talking or checking in everyonce in awhile. I'm used to meeting up for a quick lunch break or studying together when we happen to run into each other in the library. I'm also used to going for months or weeks without hearing or seeing them and occasionally wondering if we still are friends. I'm used to that. Im used to this kind of friendship, and I'm okay with it. I found a good group of friends and I dont need anything else, I really don't.

In fact, April 2018 over spring break, on our way from a trip to some tar pits (it was more fun than it sounds) I told them as such. We we're doscussing relationships, crushes, and the type of relationship we sould want, and I said "I don't think I'll ever find love, and I'm okay with that." I got a couple of awws, but I continued saying "No really, im fine just being on my own. All I need is a good group of friends." Which got more awws, but different from the first.

And it was true. Now, I havent told these friends that I'm ace. I just dont really see the need to bring it up you know? But I feel like they might have better understood where I was coming from if I did but ehh. I also didnt mention it because I wasnt sure about my romantic identity, but rn I'm pretty sure its grayromantic.

And the funny thing is, a week after that conversation, a boy asks me if I want to hang out. I flash back to the conversation I just described. I wonder if its romantic or just as friends, I freak out a bit.

That was April, this is November almost December, and that guy? He's my boyfriend. Shortly after declaring I didn't need a love interest, the universe gave me one.

I never imagined having a boyfriend. In my imagine of future me, I was always alone and happy. But now? Imagines have him in it, and its weird because its different.

Because we text almost everyday. I look forward tobseeing him. Random things will remind me of him, and I notice I'm falling into the tropes and cliches of a girlfriend. And its different and weird and like nothing ive ever imagined. I used to imagine going on fun fantasy adventures, but now I imagine just being with him, and how lame is that? But a its nice imagine...

Its weird because I was always against being a relationship and dating and now I'm in one. I hated being see as other and pitied because I didnt have a boyfriend, but I loved my freedom and loyalty to myself. I worry that this means I'm growing up, when I always saw myself as a child.

I worry that I'm letting little me down by growing up. I made a promise to myself to never grow up you see? To grow old yes, but never grow up.

And this was never a worry of mine. That I wouldnt be able to keep this promise. So its weird. Its weird that a promise I thought was made in stone and metal is now rusting and disappearing.

Its weird because its unexpected. Its weird because I'm fighting myself. Im fighting the perception of how little me would react, what future me might do, and want current me wants. I'm fighting myself and I know its silly. Its silly, because I'm also all of these things. I dont ahve to listen to these different sides, I could just react, but I can't. I worry that the second I'll stop thinking will be the second that everything changes permanently. And since i dont know how things coukd change, I dpnt want the changes to be permanent which I have to keep thinking and wondering about the different verions of me all in my head.

And its weird. Its weird That I have a boyfriend.

11-28-18

#personal #boyfriend

0 notes