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Small rant ✨️✨️✨️

(Tws in tags)

Speaking into.the void rn bc im having a small crisis but im talking to this boy and im having a lot of complicated feelings about me bc one thing about me is i dont know what kind of queer i am bc of so many different things, like we have the religious trauma going 'your not actually queer your making it up for attention' and then i have the autism/introception issues like 'maybe youre not aroace maybe you just dont pick up on those signals differently' bc like i like the idea of a relationship as a concept but like when i think of the reality of it im just like??? Who would want someone living in their house??? Who would want to have to put that much effort into someone??? Like i do genuinely feel happier on my own and being able to not have to consult someone else on decisions that effects my life. But its also like 'oh yeah i have a partner :)))' 'this person loves m:)))' 'this is someone who will always be in your corner and values you and is attracted to you :)))' so theres that and THEN theres like 'good father figure? Hardly know her.' Like i genuinely dont know a single (cis)man in my life that i dont despise to some degree. Not to be like terfy and misandristic. What if my brain just makes me sunconsciously think im not attracted to people as a trauma response???

And so like everytime i start talking to someone with romantic intentions i feel like a shitty person because theres a chance i cant reciprocate that and i am VERY MUCH for qpr's and i understand that aromantic people can be in very healthy romantic relationships but i feel like those things just arent for me. So i feel like im leading this man on and its not as simple as 'oh yeah just communicate with him' like im not out yet to basically anyone irl. What if he tells someone??? 'Max you shouldnt be with someone you dont trust' but its just the talking stage i think thats the stage where your trying to figure out if you trust them or not??? Like i was in school with this guy for 13 years but we were acquaintances at best. And hes always been kind and he seems progressive enough but posting pro choice stuff on facebook is different than being a decent person.

Then theres also the whole 'i dont even know if i like him platonically thing, let alone enough for a relationship. Hes sweet, like i said' and has interests which seems to be rare for a man but im not clicking with him at all. I cant tell if i find him attractive i cant tell if i like his personality i dont know anything about him but his first and last name tho.

I dont even know if im ready for a relationship. Like im still a christian despite all the issues i have with church. So i dont know if i should still try to find someone with the same faith as me but my denomination is extremely conservative so doing that i risk getting with a man who tries to tell me what to do with my body and doesnt believe i (as a queer woman) should exist. But if i date outside my church thats going to be somethinf i will always feel shitty about.

Having contradicting identities is hard because half of me is like 'i need to stop entertaining the fact that im queer and just ignore it.' And the other half is like 'fuck the christians, i want to be happy with my own life and not have this omniscent entity tell me what to do'

》rules《

》 tae, 30, she/her, but in the not cis way

》 I’m Timid with other people, I am mainly here to fuck around with my wife, and as such i have co-opted her rules page, and they are laid out below. While written by her, and not fully indicative of me as such, consider them my own ---

》 im a violently sex positive socialist anarchist. im not nice about it. i will kill you.

》 I don't tolerate conservatives, centrists, terfs, racists, pedos, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, etc, s****de baiting, doxxing, or harassment. if I'm interacting with someone who has partaken in one of these feel free to let me know, but I reserve the right to assess on a case by case basis. There are a lot of abusive people in these spaces who will falsify accusations and write callouts for clout.

》 I refuse to take sides in the anti/pro ship war as it is the most terminally online bullshit I've ever fucking seen, but again I am extremely sex positive, and a lot of those involved are just self-deluded christian fundamentalists wearing activists clothing. I don't fuck with you. Get lost.

》 im (my wife is) a fat femme presenting person irl and i will kick your fucking ass if you try to disparage feedism as a method of self reclamation against fatphobia because you met some shitty straight guy chubby chaser that one time. get over yourself.

》* (edited for my interests) im into monsters, transformation, sizeplay, furries(ish), primal play, pet play, and a whole lot of other specific noodly shit

》 dont talk to me about religion and spirituality. yes yours too, even yours. deeply traumatized exvangelical. what beliefs i have are my own and im not interested in yours. (I am not these things but also Do Not talk to me about them as im mainly here for the wife and id rather not fuck her up accidentally because of your stuff on my blog)

》 triggered by addiction/alcoholism, spiritual talk and imagery, slugs & snails, demons & angels, dungeon meshi, gorey imagery that involves pain. if you post these continuously I will unfollow you. (see above parenthesis)

》 unless you already know me like that im not RPing sex with you. that's only for close friends and partners. Kink however is a different story. Feel free.

》 if I don't like what you do I will erase any contribution you've made to this blogs canon without warning.

》 I need extensive communication when I rp. I expect you to be willing & able to retcon or alter any shit we do together if it hits a snag. I will extend you the exact same courtesy. mun comfort comes before muse continuity in all instances. no exceptions.

》 I tag triggers in the form of #trigger // if you need anything tagged please hit me up. I will also be trying to tag #nsfw // in this way. I won't apologize for missing some horny posts tho. that's par for the course here.(i will do my best for triggers, i make no promises for nsfw content)

》 if you made it to the end of these, thank you. I'm actually much more timid than these rules make me sound. I try to be nice. but this community is full of really batshit people. gotta fire off shots to keep the rent low.

Over a week ago @progmetallesbian created the “Top Ten Niche Interests” tag game and tagged me in it and ive been meaning to do it ever since!!! My lovely wife @got2ghost tagged me in it again today so it’s finally happening:

TOP TEN NICHE INTERESTS

As a preface, ive seen a lot of these from other people and you all have wonderful, very niche interests (ex: amy & chi) and it made me feel like a lame normie when i started thinking about my interests bc apparently im not into anything THAT niche, so these are the things that to me are personally niche and to everyone else are probably just normal things

1. TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR FC: there’s a long unimportant story to how my dad and i became spurs fans but the fact of the matter is that we’ve been following spurs soccer for three years now and it’s an interest i literally ONLY get to talk about with my dad because i have about two (2) friends who are interested in soccer and zero (0) of them watch the EPL. it’s hilarious to me that what is probably my personally most niche interest is the one that is shared by the vast majority of the world. such is the life of being a soccer fan in america :(

2. THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN TRILOGY: this is an old niche and another one that isnt that niche at all but one i feel compelled to include because when i tell you that i was obsessed with this trilogy in elementary school, obsessed is not nearly a strong enough word. i watched all three movies so often that i broke about 2 sets of dvds per movie. i know every possible piece of trivia about these movies. i had every piece of merch from claire’s and hot topic that it was possible to own. my friend and i read about 500 different books on pirates. we called orlando bloom “orly”. i could go on. potc was probably the only thing ive ever been legitimately “hyper-fixated” on and i will defend all three of those movies until i die!!!! if you’ve ever said “i liked the second two but i just couldnt follow the plot” please let me know and i will be happy to explain it to you in excruciating detail!

3. SOLO THRU-HIKE BLOG POSTS: this one i feel can actually count as niche! i fucking love reading blog posts from professional hikers who do crazy long solo thru-hikes. the lewis and clark trail, the appalachian trail, and the te araroa trail in new zealand are some of my favorite to read posts about, but ill read about any solo thru-hikes because i think its fucking bonkers and interesting and complex and inspiring and i hope to never ever do one in my entire life!

4. R/PARANORMAL: i have no reddit experience, i dont have an account, and i never want to actively engage in the reddit community. BUT. i fucking love ghosts and the paranormal so r/paranormal is a treasure trove for fun ghost stories and i read it pretty regularly! a lot of them are silly as youd expect but every now and then there are some really good ones that scare the shit out of me

5. HISTORICAL DRESS YOUTUBERS: it started with bernadette banner and once i had watched pretty much every single video she ever made, i started watching her friend’s channels, and then their friend’s channels. i have no interest in ever dressing historically, i dont really care about fashion, and i will never make my own clothes, but goddamn it if it isnt extremely fun and interesting to watch how passionate these ladies are about their specific niche time period of historical clothing! the talent! the history! its amazing! 

6. INSTAGRAM PINUP MODELS: i honestly cant remember how i stumbled into this world but there is an entire community of classic “pinup” models on instagram who have the most beautiful and creative looks ive ever seen and i now follow like 15 of them and am obsessed with watching them do their hair and makeup 

7. THE COUNT OF MONTE CRISTO (2002): this is the greatest film adaption of a book, the greatest period piece, and the greatest piece of cinema ever created by human kind. im not interested in debating, i just know that im right.

8. ENDLESS OCEAN: endless ocean was a game i owned on the wii as a preteen that i played for like a year and has been living in my head rent free ever since. you play as a scuba diver in the great barrier reef and all you do is go diving and catalog fish for your conservation team. thats it. that’s the entire game. and playing it was the happiest ive ever been in my life!

9. BANDS FC: there’s a guy on twitter who combines bands and soccer clubs to create new logos. ive been following him forever and its one of my favorite things on the internet!!! he puts a ton of time and research into his designs and they’re all so good. fun fact, he’s also a gay ally and once went to battle against british footie homophobes! a true king!

10. CHRISTIAN MYTHOLOGY: idk if it counts as niche if i blog about it on the regular but i have a deep deep love for the aesthetics, stories, and legacies of christianity. i grew up non-denominational christian but have always been (prepare for cringe) a spiritual person, so i have a huge appreciation for all religions! but obviously christianity is fairly ubiquitous in america and the only religion i have any claim to, so it’s a big interest of mine to explore christian mythology and the ways it’s shaped human history

im going to tag @wolfbuddy @eremji @curlytemple and @significationary if yall are interested!

ok fr what was the rest of ur 'American discourse on christianity' post? im intrigued

omg thanks for asking… uh i didnt publish it partly because i didnt articulate my thoughts well in the post i typed up… because it was written when i was feeling kind of peeved lmao. and also theres so much to say. .. ok this got long so under a cut

.. so what i was trying to say is that i think among americans there is just a lot of awareness of christianity every day. i think in the states christians are actually a vocal group who have political clout. and so when americans criticize christianity they do it from this standpoint where they generalize as if all christians are american christians with hefty political power. and they also conflate this cultural christianity which is found in the states with actual christianity, when in pretty much the rest of the world that kind of cultural christianity just does not exist. what i am trying to say is that in parts of the usa it can be actually to your personal advantage to act as if you are a convicted, born-again christian. but it’s hard for me to think of anywhere else in the world where that is the case. but americans tend to generalize as if that is true everywhere in the world, as if christianity always comes with privilege. when in fact it only comes with privilege in like . 40 states of the usa and everywhere else it is not a privilege at all. but non-christian americans, who have only ever known christianity as a privileged demographic, speak out against it harshly. but to christians in other parts of my world such as myself their criticism or insults just seem silly and they sting even though theyre not fair criticisms.

 so for instance i saw a post recently making fun of christians having a victim complex. maybe this is true for american christians and other conservative americans who call themselves christians, in fact, it probably is true. but in canada where i live it is just not true. we actually are at a social disadvantage. maybe thats hard for americans to believe but it’s true. my experience of being a christian is not one of oppression but it definitely is not one where ive consistently been privileged for my religion. my beliefs have made my life more difficult for me. again maybe that sounds silly to an american but it is just a fact that my beliefs dont give me social capital. as a christian in my city i am part of a small minority. i dont want to sound like i’m whining because i am 100% aware that im not oppressed but life is just different for me in this urban area of canada than it would be in the middle of alabama and it’s not fair for atheists from alabama to post comments about my religion because they have no idea what the real world is like for christians. this is not to mention my most important point which is that compared to christians outside of tolerant countries my situation is rosy. the silliness of an atheist from alabama criticizing christianity as a privileged religion appears even more obvious when you do consider the heavy and extreme persecution which christians face in other parts of the world. now i know most of us on here are north americans and we may not have much contact with christians who are actually persecuted and it’s wrong for north american christians to appropriate the persecution of others and act as if they are facing the same thing. but it just reinforces my point that americans really should think twice before they generalize christianity as a whole as a privileged religion. which happens pretty often.

again i know this is a pretty small issue. ive basically written a whole essay about a few stupid comments ive read online and ONCE AGAIN i know im not oppressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im just annoyed sometimes lmao. so sorry this was so longg