España cañí Part_2 ---> Part_1

Let's exaggerate sitting and celebrate upcoming Labyrinth Runners~

Congrats on your now 6k, Nat! I've been here since it was jojo only but my jjk and bnha brain rot deepens with every passing day!! I love the idea of chubby, curvy reader-chan getting their new villain costume which turns out to be way more form fitting and skimpy than expected. Shigaraki is so frustrated that he won't be able to feel you up properly in it now that you look like something out of his collection of eroges or hentai manga… he decides to take out his frustration out on you directly of course with prompts 60, 64, 74, and maybe some hints of 79 (moreso just being totally objectified by him). he's very determined to see you make an actual ahegao face while he fucks you stupid in your cute new costume~

preferred route - shigaraki x reader (4k)

you really don’t know how to feel about the new costume.

warnings: nsfw, minors dni. dubious consent (power imbalance). explicitly chubby reader. fingering, finger-sucking, threat of death, light body image issues, coming inside, objectification. afab reader, neutral pronouns. 

[a/n: sorry i couldnt fit the ‘sex toys’ part very well into the narrative, anon! i hope u like it anyway, i needed some chubby reader positivity today and ive mentioned before i think shigaraki would absolutely fucking LOVE a soft chubby s/o fgnjkbjgfk.]

It’s a lot tighter than you were expecting.

You probably shouldn’t complain, seeing as it’s the League of Villains footing the bill and not you yourself, but still – did it have to cling so intensely to every curve? Your nose wrinkles, plucking at the skin-tight fabric. This isn’t something you’d choose for yourself, there’s no doubt about that – you’re not sure how you’re supposed to go out in front of the rest of the League and not feel self-conscious.

Ugh.

You stare at yourself in the dirty mirror in the bar’s bathroom again. Yeah. This costume leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, and though you know that there’s plenty of precedent for costumes to be like this, it’s times like this that you’re jealous of Shigaraki’s deceptively simple clothes. Even Dabi’s ripped up jacket and other garments that have seen better days.

Hell, right now you’re pretty jealous of Toga too – sure, her skirt is short, but that cardigan would really go a long way towards easing off some of the anxiety you have about your chest pushing out the front of the fabric and the way it’s clinging to the generous curve of your hips.

The skirt of this costume is short, too; and unlike Toga’s, it doesn’t do a cute little flippy thing.

“Hey,” the rasp at the door – and the impatient knocking of a fist against wood – is unmistakably Shigaraki. “We haven’t got all day, y’know. Come out here so we can check it’s okay and get a fuckin’ move on.”

Oh, he sounds mad. You know plenty about Shigaraki’s short temper by now; though you don’t think he’d actually hurt you – just threaten and glower – you still know that it’s probably better to stay on the safe side.

“Okay,” you call out, your voice a little wobbly. “Sorry, took me a second to work out the closures--”

(That’s a lie, but you’re not sure that he’d look favourably on ‘I think I look horrible in this and I’m self-conscious’. Shigaraki isn’t exactly vain himself, but you still don’t want to risk his ire.)

He’s way, way too close to the door.

You’ve noticed that he always lingers a little bit closer to you than anyone else, but you’ve written it off as thus; you’re the newest member of this merry band of outcasts, and he doesn’t trust you yet. You can understand that. But you stand there in the doorway of the bathroom doing your best not to tremble as Shigaraki’s red-tinted, tired eyes trail over you from the top of your head to the impractical but weirdly comfortable toe of your high-heeled boots.

You wonder if he’s going to say something about the pudge that you know is spilling over the top of thigh high stockings, the scandalously low-cut neckline, the tight fit of the material that shows every line of your body--

But he doesn’t. His dry lips twitch and you think he’s going to laugh, so you protectively pull your arm around yourself – but he just turns around, one of his hands coming up to itch at the back of his neck, and lets out a scratchy;

“Looks fine to me.”

You step out into the bar proper. The eyes of every member of the League are drawn to you; Toga exclaims something about how cute the colour is, Dabi whistles and says; ‘Huh, not bad’, Twice flushes, mumbling something you don’t hear under his breath that’s immediately followed by something you kind of hear in that other, different voice about how slutty the thing is. The guy who brought the costume – Giran, you think – looks very pleased with himself.

You’re so overwhelmed by the hubbub that you don’t see the harsh glare that most of the men in the room get from Shigaraki himself. All you know is that things quieten down very quickly; and as you filter into one of Kurogiri’s warp gates to head out to the ‘errand’ that’s supposed to be being run, Shigaraki himself snaps to you;

“You. Rookie. C’mere. Stay by me.”

So.

Shigaraki is pretty sure you have no fucking idea how hot you look in the new costume.

Which sucks, because everyone else definitely knows. He’s pretty sure if he wasn’t sticking to your side like glue, Dabi would be all over you; and that’s absolutely not permitted because you might not know it quite yet, but you’re his. He was pretty sure of it before you tried on the costume, but seeing you in it just solidified the thought in his mind; if he doesn’t get to feel just how soft your thighs are when they’re digging into his bony hips, he’s probably either going to die or go on an unplanned murderous rampage.

You literally look like you’ve been transported from one of the hentai manga he keeps under his bed; one of the ones he has to special order in, because some consumers have no taste--

It’s all he can do to not stare right down the front of your costume, not reach out and pinch the soft flesh of your thighs, not bury his head in your chest to see if they feel as good as he imagines they do. But he’s got some self-control where his plans are strategies are concerned, so he just makes sure that you stick by his side so no other asshole can stick their nose where it doesn’t belong and he tries to get everything done as quickly and efficiently as possible.

(Maybe he wants to impress you a little bit, too.)

Shigaraki generally gets what he wants – right now, what he wants is you. When everything is over and done with and you’re all back at the bar, he comes very close to you to mumble into your ear (you shiver at the feel of his breath fanning across your neck, which he thinks is cute; it’s actually fear, because Tomura Shigaraki isn’t known for being kind to other members of the League, but he can appreciate how cute you look scared, too).

“My room.”

Your fellow members are celebrating a plan that went off without a hitch, but your blood runs cold as you turn to blink into Tomura’s dark-ringed eyes. His face is perfectly serious. Did you fuck up, somehow? You don’t think that he’d care about turning you to dust and decay right here in front of everyone, but maybe he thinks you deserve a little dignity in your death.

“C-can I just get this off--” You ask him, your voice pitching – but three fingers wrap around your forearm, sharp fingertips and ragged nails digging into the soft skin.

“No,” his voice is final; it leaves no room for argument. “Leave it on.”

If anybody sees Shigaraki forcibly drag you from the bar and through the hallway into his room, they decide that it’s much easier to keep quiet, because nobody says anything even as the door swings closed behind you with an ominous click. You’re limping a little bit just to keep up with Shigaraki’s certain, self-assured lope – but he doesn’t care, as the door is opened and you’re prodded into his bedroom.

It’s . . . every bit what you were expecting, honestly. There’s a bed pushed into the corner but most of the room is taken up by a desk with a very fancy looking PC set up on it, and rows and rows of shelving featuring figures and video games and other assorted nerdy paraphernalia.

You notice a particularly skimpily dressed, curvy figure next to a whole series of games that you recognise and your face heats up. You’re not exactly surprised that Shigaraki likes that kind of thing, but it just being out on display so shamelessly--

You’re backed against the door the minute that it closes, Shigaraki’s frame looming over yours as he cages you in. You’re burning, embarrassed and hot and frightened, as those blood-red orbs stay focussed on you. You try and grasp for something to say that might make him seem even a little bit less frightening.

“I—I’m sorry?” You ask, blinking up at him, avoiding the desire to bite your lip. Shigaraki’s eye twitches, his lip curling.

“Yeah?” He asks you, rasping. You notice that one of his legs is bouncing, almost as if he’s nervous about something. “You ought to be.”

You’re still staring up at him, all confused and frightened and unsure. You don’t know what you’re apologising for; you just feel like it’s the right thing to do. You hope your silence doesn’t piss him off too much.

But Shigaraki is just as awkward as you, it seems. The quiet stretches on in front of you until you can bear it no longer, and you say;

“I—” You wet your lips. “I don’t know what I did.”

He snorts, humourlessly – but his eyes move from your gaze down the length of your body, lingering on all of the bare skin and the curves and the places you feel so exposed.

“You’ve got no idea what you look like, then?” He asks you, and before you can open your mouth to say anything else, one of his hands has moved from beside you on the door frame to delicately grip your chin and force you to look directly at him. He blinks a little too quickly; like he’s rehearsing what he’s supposed to say in his head. Still, you’re not expecting the words that actually drop from his mouth; “You don’t know that pretty much every guy in there’s spent the night undressing you in their mind?”

Your face flushes warm. You know he’s wrong – he’s making fun of you, he must be – but the look in his eyes is much more alive than you’ve seen it before.

“I—”

“Including me.” The other hand still on the door frame grabs one of your wrists, just above where the neat little gloves that make up part of your costume end. He shoves your hand over his crotch; where you can feel something that’s unmistakably stiff and hard and needy pressing against your palm. You gasp at it at the same time as Shigaraki takes a hiss of breath at the sensation of your hand on him.

Shigaraki has played enough eroges and hentai games to know that he’s not the sweet, safe choice for a romance route. He’s what he guesses would be the ‘bad boy’ type – the one who maybe pressures you a bit, who uses his power to assert himself and gets too attached. The games usually consider guys like him the ‘bad end’ – but you’re not all moral fortitude either, and Shigaraki always ends up thinking the ‘bad ends’ were the best all along.

So he’ll use his position to his advantage.

His voice comes out more confident than he feels thanks to channelling that energy; the thought of the villain bad ending. Like he’s reading from a script.

“You’re not going to let your boss deal with this on his own, right?”

He’s fucking delighted when you respond exactly the way the player character in one of those games would.

Because that means he’s won.

And winning means unlocking the H-Scene.

You whine when he runs his fingers over the skimpy underwear you’re wearing underneath the tight skirt of your costume, your eyelids fluttering, your mouth parting and looking so inviting that there’s nothing more that he wants than to shove his cock down your throat until you choke.

It’s embarrassingly easy, he thinks, to turn you into a mess – a couple of careful touches, a couple of dry hisses about what a slut you look like in this new costume, how he thinks you like having his eyes on you, how he’s sure you fit into it like that on purpose, how he thinks that they shouldn’t send you out to do field work with the League and you should just stay here and be a cute little living fleshlight for him – and you’re basically rolling over and showing your boss your softest parts.

You are soft, coincidentally – Shigaraki had thought you’d be, but the squishy busts of lewd anime figures don’t compare at all to squeezing your breast as best he can without all of his fingers and the soft little whimper that he wins from you as a reward.

He’s not patient. He doesn’t have time to tease you – not when the minute you’d stepped out of the bathroom earlier he’d felt his cock twitch in his pants and he’d had to try and ignore it for hours. So he simply pulls the already scandalous neckline of your costume (underwired within so as not to add an unsightly bra to the slit down to your sternum) down so that your chest is free for his roving gaze.

He’s gotten you onto his bed by now. He should probably have changed the sheets before this, but . . . well, he hadn’t expected to roll such a fortuitous event today. The way you’re pretty much panting up at him and the way he’s managed to urge forth slick from between your thighs with surprisingly dextrous fingers just proves to him that washing them before fucking you on them would have been a waste.

His lips are dry and chapped when he presses hungry, possessive kisses to your collarbone – his teeth digging a little too hard into your nipple as they close around them and tug. Your own hand tangles in his hair automatically, snagging in knots, but your grip just seems to spur him on.

He kisses and noses and explores at your bared skin like he’s never had anyone else in his bed before. You guess he’s so uncaring of how rough he’s being with his mouth because there’s no chance of him getting carried away – you can’t help but start and cringe whenever his pinky finger hovers a little too close for comfort to the rest of his hands on you.

“Look at you,” Shigaraki is panting, as the underwear is pulled down, leaving your bottom half clad only in the thigh-high stockings. The underwear is so scant to make sure lines don’t show underneath the fabric, but you doubt that’s the kind of thing Shigaraki will buy or care about. “You’re dripping at the thought of your leader fucking you, aren’t you?”

It’s embarrassing, but you are.

Shigaraki’s not exactly classically handsome; but there’s something leonine in the way that he holds himself, the way he talks, self-assured and arrogant with all the power in the world at his fingertips, that stokes a primal need in your poor little villainous heart.

“You already look like you’re fucked dumb and I haven’t even touched you,” he sneers. There’s something familiar about the line – like you’ve heard it in a cheesy porno, or read it in a manga, or even played a game or something where it’s a dialogue option--

You can’t bring yourself to think about it as Shigaraki prods at your slit, calloused fingertip brushing your clit before it slides further down and he presses the digit inside of you in one quick, deep motion.

It knocks the breath out of you, how quickly he begins to fuck you using the one finger inside of you. You feel yourself tighten around it at the frisson of danger that runs through you; Shigaraki’s hands are his greatest weapon, and one of them is stuffed deep inside of you, probing at your textured walls.

He groans as he feels your channel clamp around him, mumbling something about how ‘You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Fuckin’ slut, I shouldn’t known someone who goes out dressed like that would be easy--’

He finds that spongy spot inside of you that makes your toes curl and you whimper again, back arching, squirming as he pulls the finger out just enough to press a second one inside of you beside it.

“Sh-Shigaraki—” You sound fucked out already, as he crooks his fingers and begins to abuse the knowledge of how that particular spot makes you whine. It’s cute – yeah, the characters in his game moan, but they moan out ‘Master’ and ‘Sir’ – and though those do get him hard and send a thrill through him, it’s different hearing his actual name dropping from your pretty mouth.

“Tomura,” he grunts, continuing to stroke that spot. You’re squirming uselessly now, sweat beading across your hairline, your chest heaving. He presses them particularly roughly against it. “Say it.”

Your pretty eyes meet his; his gaze unwavering, your own spotty with the pleasure that’s being dangled just before you. You can feel that he’s on the edge of coaxing your orgasm from you – good with his fingers for a guy who has either never been laid before or maybe has only ever paid for the privilege. It’s not surprising considering how delicate he has to be with them, you guess.

He pauses.

“Say it,” he says, again, his voice husky and low, cracked lips pressed tightly together.

“Tomura,” you whimper, because honestly? You’re too close to coming, too confused and disoriented and outside of yourself to think of doing anything as stupidly dangerous as outright disobeying him.

He groans, fingers getting faster and faster, rubbing your plush inner walls until it all gets too much and you feel your thighs shake. You dig your feet into the edge of the mattress to stop them closing around Shigaraki’s hand, fearing what might happen if you clamped down – but all it does is make the orgasm that washes over you in pulses and throbs that much more intense, slick gush out over his fingers as you wail into the ceiling.

There’s no way that any members of the League left in the bar didn’thear that.

He’s pulling his fingers out of you with a slick pop, unzipping his trousers, taking out his cock – you start at the size of it, not expecting rail-thin verging-on-malnourished Shigaraki to be carrying around a weapon like that. Shigaraki sees how your eyes widen and can’t help the too wide, cocky grin that alights on his face.

“Cute,” he tells you – and before you can react, he’s impaling you on it.

You’re still over-sensitive and stimulated from your recent orgasm, so you can’t help the way that your body tries to sink into his mattress away from the new intruder to your body – but Shigaraki huffs, one hand fastening around your hip to keep you in place. He doesn’t put his last finger down, of course – but you can feel the place where it would fit if he did like a burn on your skin, and you bite back any desire to fight back.

He doesn’t wait to start establishing a pace.

Shigaraki is a man who gets what he wants; who takes it, if he gets impatient. And fucking into your tight, wet cunt is no different. He’s had vague thoughts about what it would feel like before, when he’s pumped his cock into the fleshlight he’s embarrassed of owning. He’s spent most of this evening imagining what you’d feel like. But neither of them compare to the real thing; hot, and tight, and perfect, fitting his cock like a glove with a vice-like grip that has him battling to not make an embarrassment out of himself and come inside you straight away.

Your thighs do, coincidentally, wrap around his hips – pillowy soft, thick, perfect. Your mouth goes into a slack little ‘oh’ as he fucks into you, the wet sound of his balls slapping against your slick skin echoing through the room. You’re whining and whimpering like a bitch in heat, mumbling something;

“S-slow down, please, T-Tomura, s’too much-- s’too fast--”

But he’s a contrary asshole. He knows your poor sex is probably still reeling from how you’d squirted on his fingers – but you feel so good, and surely what he wants is more important than how you’re feeling?

You were made to take his cock, after all.

Your second orgasm rips through you so quickly that it’s almost painful, your sensitive inner walls repeatedly pummelled by the thick shaft inside of you. You open your mouth to wail again, only for Shigaraki to force the two fingers that were inside of you earlier into your mouth.

“Stop being so noisy,” he pants, in between harsh thrusts. He’s getting closer; his skinny thighs trembling, his hips rocking into you with almost no rhyme or reason or rhythm at all. “E-everyone can already hear how good I’m fucking you, suck on those instead--”

He’s not expecting you to do it. Truth be told, he’s expecting you to sputter in indignation, maybe bite him – nobody in the League treats him with the respect he deserves – but . . . you’re different, aren’t you? Made for him?

Your eyes are still tearing up at the corners from his rough pace on too-sensitive body parts, but you keep them on him as your tongue probes at his fingers, licking up your own essence from the skin and letting it flood your senses. It feels filthy. But it’s clear to you that Shigaraki really likes it, a groan escaping his mouth.

The thumb on the hand that was leaning on your hip moves to begin to swirl impassioned circles over your swollen clit. You jerk, again – back arching, babbling and mumbling around his fingers even as you try and suck on them. You’re so over-stimulated, hot and needy, being touched too much and too fast and too hard. Even now, though, you’re still trying to please him.

It’s that – the little submissive motion, the soft feel of wet muscle brushing the digits, the way you feel so tight and wet around him, the fact that you’re doing your best – which pushes Shigaraki over the edge in the end.

Fuck.

He wishes he could stay inside of you forever.

He feels his hips stutter against yours as he thrusts himself so deep inside of you he thinks he could get lost there – feels his cock spasm, twitch, spilling his cum as deep inside of you as it’s possible for it to go.

And the twitch of him inside and the rush of his warm cum makes you tip over the precipice, too – your eyes rolling back in your head, a string of drool trickling from your open mouth where his fingers are still resting against your tongue.

It’s a fucking ahegao face, is what it is, and Shigaraki’s going to be using it as jerk-off fuel for the next year.

(Although after this, he hopes he won’t need jerk-off material. Not when he has a cute, willing subordinate with a couple of holes they’re happy to let their boss use.)

Finally pulling out of you, Shigaraki collapses onto the bed next to you, his breathing heavy. You’re expecting him to tell you to get the fuck out of his room – he’s never struck you as the intimate type.

You’re proved wrong, though, when he shifts closer and he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you against him. Staring down, you notice that he’s clenched his hand into a fist to avoid accidentally brushing you and bringing you to a dusty end, and you feel a pang of something that might almost be affection.

“I need to take off the costume,” you say, very softly. “I-if I wanna wash it, before the next time I need it--”

Shigaraki grumbles something under his breath. He seems to already be half-asleep – then again, his hips had clashed against yours with a ferocity that had seemed draining--

“Don’t see why it matters,” he mumbles, dry lips brushing the back of your neck. “Do the assholes good to know who you belong to.”

The thought that Shigaraki thinks you belong to him should send a shudder down your spine that’s all cool horror and fear. It certainly shouldn’t send an electric shock down your throat that settles low and heavy in your belly and is more arousal than fear.

What can you say, though?

Every time you’ve played an otome game, you’ve always gone with the bad boy’s route.

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

ROSE: And it's been hanging over our heads the whole time. JAKE: Hold on a tick! JAKE: I may be a newcomer to all this cosmic mythology but i recall being informed that skaia was one of the good guys. ROSE: Informed by who? JAKE: Well... by our sprites and some of the carvings in the ruins and things like that. HALSPRITE: Everyone knows we game guides are completely trustworthy. DIRK: Wait, are you working for an even bigger bad? HALSPRITE: No. But there are certain things I can't say, or have to be party to. HALSPRITE: We've been over this, remember? HALSPRITE: My ectoplasm is still sore from your Emperor Palpatine tantrum. KANAYA: Skaia Controls The Narrative We Are Privy To KANAYA: Especially For Prospit Heroes Who Gain Glimpses In The Clouds During The Eclipse KANAYA: I Thought Those Images Were Random KANAYA: But JADE: but its pretty suspicious that it kept so much of the bad stuff from me! JADE: i might not have been so eager to play otherwise JADE: even if its not like we ever had a choice :/ JADE: and the other calliope said she had a hand in choosing those images soooo DAVE: i thought skaia "sees and knows" and couldnt do jack shit DAVE: howd we get from there to here JADE: we didnt know until today that skaia had a "cherub behind the curtain" :o CALLIOPE: after her speech i'm not sUre whether skaia reflects her will entirely or is only inspired by it. CALLIOPE: bUt it is not a neUtral actor. CALLIOPE: and she admitted to having a hand in the rUles of the game that broUght Us here. ROSE: Feferi mentioned the gods might have had something to do with it as well. ROSE: Aradia, do you know anything about that? ARADIA: i suspected something like it ARADIA: it made sense, considering derse dreamers role as emissaries to the noble circle and each incipispheres presence nestled within the furthest ring ARADIA: how they struck that deal or what it involved i dont know though DIRK: The point is, this game didn't come out of nowhere. DIRK: Someone had to make it. KANAYA: So To Clarify KANAYA: If The Other Cherub Is Skaia You Wish To Depose Her KANAYA: But If She Is The Consciousness Guiding Skaia You Would Replace Her Instead CALLIOPE: hold on. CALLIOPE: i don't trUst myself with that kind of responsibility. JANE: I'm not sure anyone should be! JAKE: Yes its like galadriel getting the ring! JOHN: if you don't make yourself the person in charge, but skaia has like... what did you call it? JOHN: a consciousness? JOHN: could you give it a conscience? KARKAT: HOLD UP. KARKAT: I KNOW ROSE ALREADY CAME TO ME PEDDLING THIS LATEST HERESY BUT I THINK IT OUGHT TO AT LEAST COME TO A VOTE. KARKAT: THIS COULD HAVE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES, AND THE DOOR IS RIGHT THERE. KARKAT: IF ANYONE DOESN'T WANT TO RISK THEIR LIVES FOR THIS, SPEAK NOW. JANE: Could we get a description of what this plan actually /is/? ROSE: We'll need to work the details out. KARKAT: SHE WANTS TO MEDDLE WITH THE GENESIS FROG'S DNA. KARKAT: LIKE THAT WENT SO WELL LAST TIME. DAVE: the tadpoles already flown the coop on that one DAVE: unless you want to send john all the way back to our breeding session JOHN: oh come on, i can't be the solution to EVERYONE'S problems. ROSE: I wasn't going to suggest that. ROSE: Once we have a better grasp of what we want to change, we have someone with an even better skillset for reshaping reality to our liking. CALLIOPE: my other self got Us into this mess. CALLIOPE: i don't know how exactly bUt it's only fitting i get Us oUt of it. ROXY: soooo ROXY: we need 2 come up w/ a world we like ARADIA: without breaking too much ARADIA: this system works for what its designed to do ARADIA: you cant abolish it entirely without some kind of replacement SOLLUX: she's saying maybe d0n't torch the place with0ut at least reading the manual. ROXY: so we gotta reverse engineer it ROXY: sounds like a plan 2 me JAKE: I could take another look at those carvings... JANE: /clears throat/ JANE: I think Karkat is right, we should have a show of hands. JANE: Everyone in favor of pursuing this? ROXY: this game sux ass ROXY: if i can stop more doomed ppl gettin axed just bc they were in the wrong place then im gonna do it ROXY: count me in DAVE: wait i thought english was the guy behind most of our doomed timelines DAVE: with his alpha timeline forcing everyone to make one set of decisions DAVE: didnt we beat him and get rid of that JAKE: I think its fair to say calliope did! CALLIOPE: ^U^ ARADIA: its true that his influence generated far more fruitless offshots than would exist otherwise ARADIA: and constricted our paths to prioritize a single narrative ARADIA: but timeline dooming is always a mechanism available to players ARADIA: and the game sets up certain loops on its own ROSE: Lord English isn't the one who sent meteors to destroy our planet. JOHN: no he isn't. JOHN: and that's not fair, that is not what any of us signed up for. JOHN: i've been rewriting rules all day, and this sounds like a great one to get rid of. JOHN: i'll help you guys out. DAVE: well then DAVE: might as well go two for two TEREZI: SK414S T4ST3S 4R3 DR4CON14N 3V3N FOR M3 TEREZI: WH4T K1ND OF JUST1C3 SO W4NTONLY T4RG3TS 1NNOC3NTS TEREZI: 1 WOULDNT M1ND T4K1NG 1T DOWN 4 P3G JADE: i dont know how long ill have my first guardian powers back, but im willing to use them JADE: no one should be treated like pawns no matter what your justification is ROSE: My anti-authoritarian streak is already common knowledge. ROSE: I guess they were right warning you away from dreamers from the wrong side of the tracks. ROSE: Derse is a hotbed for radicalism. DIRK: It must run in the family. DIRK: Why do away with a good tradition? HALSPRITE: There's no way I'd turn down an opportunity to fuck with a fundamental component of the universe. KANAYA: Creation Is Under My Jurisdiction KANAYA: But Creation Pursued At Any Cost Can Be Just As Destructive As Intentional Violence KANAYA: Maybe I Can Put My Inclinations To Pacify Dangerous Forces To Good Use JAKE: Im through with being shoved around! JAKE: If this will help some other people out there in the multiverse who might get saddled with all this games expectations then i think its our duty to try. JANE: What kind of Empress would I be if I didn't try to secure the best possible future for whoever comes after us? JANE: Besides, I've sat back in the face of tyranny long enough. NANNASPRITE: I have too. DAVESPRITE: my programming wont allow me to participate in this DAVESPRITE: nah im just fucking with you lets kill the suffering orb ARADIA: ive spent a long time doing things because they had to be done ARADIA: to fulfill some time loop or the will of the game ARADIA: it would be nice to make a momentous decision on my own for once CALLIOPE: my other self said i woUld never be a proper mUse, bUt i take issUe with her methods. CALLIOPE: i think it's proper to set them right. SOLLUX: i feel like i'm c0ming into this discussi0n missing a lot of c0ntext but if it means we'll get a move 0n, sure. SOLLUX: sgrub 0r skaia or whatever cosmic f0rce we're ganging up on can suck my bulge. TEREZI: COM3 ON K4RK4T YOU KNOW YOU W4NT TO KARKAT: I GUESS MY REVOLUTIONARY ANCESTOR WOULD BE ASHAMED OF ME OTHERWISE. KARKAT: EVEN IF HE WAS KIND OF A JACKASS. KARKAT: AND THIS GAME HAS BEEN PRETTY TERRIBLE. KARKAT: LET'S JUST TRY NOT TO GET ANYONE KILLED THIS TIME. KARKAT: OK, WE'VE ALL GOT OUR HANDS UP NOW. KARKAT: THIS STIRRING SHOW OF CAMARADERIE WILL MOVE THE HEAVENS. KARKAT: "LOOK, THEY HAVE THEIR HANDS RAISED! WE WERE WRONG. GIVE THEM WHATEVER THEY ASK FOR, AND PASS ME THE TISSUES." KARKAT: GOOD JOB TEAM. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH YOURSELVES.

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24 (little and big)Things to work on this year

1. Take more As8 views pictures

The view of the skies in the evening is just so beautiful that sometimes it just makes me forget everything. It gives me the comfort and silent hugs that I need at times. So,even if these are ugly pictures, here’s to more #AS8views

2.Look at myself in the mirror more

The amount of self hatred I have for myself and my body is sometimes appalling. I have noticed how its been so long since I even looked at myself in the mirror. If i ever catch my image in a glass doors, even before anything, a voice in my head mimicking the sound of elephants goes off. I deserve love, from myself and I am going to try and give it.

3. Drink more water

Yes. I tend to drink alot of sweetened drinks (ice lemon tea) and apart from the detrimental weight gain it gives me, I notice how the lack of enough water has made my skin ugly. When I was young, I’d drink like 6-7 large cups of water at home. And while my friends were grappling with pimple issues in theri teen age, I NEVER had a single pimple, let laone a breakout. For some reason, my face used to be fresh. I rarely drink enough water now which explains the oily skin and idk the non-smoothness.

4.Lose weight.

I could go on about this.

5.Dress well

I guess that can happen only when 4 happens. Till then, heres to oversized shirts and pants.

6.Learn and be excited

When I entered year 1, I was so excited to be finally here in NUS. After the horrendous extra year that I had to spend to retake my A levels, I was finallly here, at the best university in Singapore (lol). And I was so excited and hungry to learn. I remember how I felt so free and exhilarated in my classes. I sat in the front, took notes and read so much. (nerd alert). Every essay/assignment was such a joy. Perhaps, that also explains why I did the best in year 1 ans 2. And then slowly, it all changed. I lost confidence. I begin to think “why bother when some one else is going to be even smarter? You will never impress the profs..” I begun slcakening. I mean I still managed to do reasonably okayish but the zest to learn was no longer there. What was the point I felt? I was never going to attain a FCH.I couldnt get the cheem readings.Every assignment and reading became a chore. I felt empty in classes. And now, in my final year, I just wana go back to how I was. Sure, the FCH may no longer within my reach but at least I wana graduate knowing that I’ve put my heart and soul into my work and accept whatever I land up with.

7.Lift

I have always looked at the gym corner where guys and girls would lift. A part of me would always jump with joy whenever I see girls in Instagram lifting. I have always wanted to also do that but yeah would always become so self-conscious. 

8.Learn to meditate

Easier said than done though. 

9. ; Tatto on wrist

Probably only after Iand my first job so that my parents dont hit the roof. Huhuhu

10.Final Thesis paper

I am dead scared for this. I cant even write a proper essay let alone a thesis. And a thesis means I have to talk to people-worst nightmare for an introvert like me. It’s going to be scary and sometimes when I think about it now, I get mini anxiety attacks. I am probably going to cry alot next sem. Hahaha.But I think, once I see my name on the final book, I am going to feel like everything was worth it and be proud of myself.

11.Sri Lanka

Like what someone said, maybe I need to sit down and think about what the heart really wants.

12. Learn to appreciate my friends

They are all different. They have different outlooks, different views, different practices, life trajectories etc. And thats what makes each of them special. SOme of them I see on a dalily basis and some I dont and some I soon wont. Some seem to have drifted while some I have drifted from. But they have been a great part of me and I know they all mean well for me and want the best for me. I wouldn’t be here if not for each and everyone of them. 

13. Wake up at 6am. Stop hitting snooze

Still a struggle

14. Be a better tuition teacher

Sometimes, its tiring tbh. Both physically and mentally. Sometimes, the kids dont listen, they dont bother and you know u can get away with it. You have the tempation of slacking a bit and just ‘drama-ing.’ For the sum of 20-25$ there is sometimes the tempation to just take a step back and think ‘this kid is not my child/sibling why bother so much?” But they are deserve attention and care. I wont lie, they tend to get on my nerves especially when I am there trying so hard to teach and they just cant seem bothered. But at the end of the day, there are just kids. Middle-class kids with parents who work hard to pay their fees. Be it 20$ per hour or 50$, as a tution teacher, I need to give them the best I can. And its also funny how I get my energy and happiness from them especially so after a tiring and long day at school and ‘D’ makes me play with his fidget spinner and talks about Rajinikanth. Or how he passionately taks about dragons as if they are real. (I have no heart to tell him the truth)

15. Speak up in tutorials

So what If i am wrong or my answers dont make sense right?

16. Finally run 2.4 under 15 minutes

This doesnt have much to do with fitness but throughout secondary and JC, i have never passed by 2.4km run.In secondary school, I remember that PE calling me out and embarrassing me in front of the class. In JC, thankfully, I had really nice classmates and P.E teachers. My P.E teachers knew I would probably fail my 2,4km but they never looked down on me. “You run, I pass you ok!” was what they would tell me. I would take over 25 minutes to just complete it. What was especially sweet was that my classmates would actually run with me. They would have finished their run like in 12 minutes (they were pros) and they would bother running extra rounds with me so I could finish. And thats why one day, i wana be ablet to run 2.4 under 15 minutes as a small appreciation :)

17. Organise my table and worksheets

18. Read more South Asian books :)

19. Give a speech/Talk

The amount of confidence I have when speaking to a crowd is......0. 

20. Sit down and send out applications to those comapnies that I think I will never get in

21. Attend more Indian weddings in sarees and make up

Stop thinking I am too ugly for them

22. Helix piercing

23.Go on  a date at least once

24. Love myself

Ultimately, it al boils down to this.