𖨆. 05 / all for us
summary: after the recent incident, you don’t feel a real reason to live. so why try to live?
note: this was supposed to be longer, but i loved how it ended. i’m also a suffering from headaches again. please be patient with me. also, PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS IVE LISTED. this is a DARK chapter.
taglist: @the-sun-baby @voltairelesecond @baelo80 @uniquepickle @ascybous @saturnalya @messyhairday-me @stupid-stinky
word count: 1.4k
warnings/notes: cursing, suicidal thoughts, self harm, attempt of suicide, dark, panic attack
YOU lay on the floor of your closet once again, the scratchy carpet being the only thing that provided you with warmth. the only person you'd seen for the past few days was erwin. anytime he'd even mention levi, you'd beg for him not to see you.
you groan quietly, deciding to go lay in your bed for a while so your skin won't keep itching. your foot chills when it touches the hardwood floor of your room, and it distracts you from the task at hand.
you're dizzy now, only being able to focus on your foot. it didn't help much since you collapsed onto your side, breathing heavily through your nose as you stare blankly to the wall. you haven't stood up for hours, opting to leave the closet only to go to the restroom.
you blink while getting back onto your feet, hand pressed against your head as if you were soothing it. you decide to go to the bathroom, if you go now that means you won't have to go later.
you watch your hands afterwards, tired eyes watching your reflection in the crystal clear mirror.
your face was bruised, you have a black eye and a deep cut on your cheek from levi's wedding band.
you look back down to your hands, wanting to focus on something else in order to soothe yourself. you don't bother to dry your hands off with a towel, opting to shaking them around in the air.
your feet drag against the floor as you jump into your bed, body smoothly sliding across it so your head rests against a pillow. you curl up under the covers, genuine warmth crashing against your body for the first time in days. it's almost overwhelming, but you can't find it in yourself to care.
you watch a movie to help pass the first hour and a half of you being outside of the closet. you play another movie for background noise, getting off of your bed and walking to the bookshelf.
you grab a black book with white font, grabbing a smaller blanket and throwing it over your lap once you sit in a chair.
you’re going to read some of this book and then retreat back to your safe space whenever they come to feed you.
even though you’re reading the story, you can barely comprehend the words along with the plot line. everything seems to be a jumbled mess inside of your mind, so much that it makes your head hurt right behind your eyes. time stretches longer than you meant for it to as you keep rereading all the sentences, hoping to gain at least a tiny bit of understanding.
you’re attention is taken away by the sound of the door opening and closing. you’d been so focused you hadn’t even noticed that someone was coming to see you. and not only was it someone, it was levi.
the book falls out of your hands and onto the floor, eyes wide as you stare at levi with fear.
he’s holding your tray of food for lunch, which you don’t think you’ll be eating today since it’s not erwin who’s going to feed you.
levi tries not to get irritated at the way your body is trembling. he hasn’t even said a single word and you’re already cowering.
when levi steps closer, you jump out of the chair and into the corner furthest from him. you cry out for erwin, for help, anyone that will be able to take levi away from you.
it startles levi for a moment, but it’s soon replaced with frustration as he makes another step.
you scream while tears gush out of your eyes, nailing planting onto the wall you’re up against. levi angrily puts the tray of food down onto your windowsill, metal and glass clinking against one another in unsynchronized harmony.
for whatever reason, it has you screeching with you dropping to the floor and cover your head with your arms. levi’s worried and goes to make a move towards you, but you’re too frightened to think.
your screeching has his head pounding, so much that he’s silently praying that erwin would just come in already.
“i’m—i’m trying to fucking help!” he barks at you, stomping his foot onto the hardwood flooring.
you jump once more, protecting yourself more than before.
levi goes to scream again, but he’s interrupted by the door to your room slamming open.
erwin’s there, half dressed and messy hair while his eyes frantically scan the area. his eyes widen at the sight of your cowering, quickly rushing over to you to sit in front of you.
“what happened,” he asks levi while cautiously pressing a hand to your knee.
“i just walked in and she just went batshit,” levi says with exasperation, confusion and anger flashing on his face.
“get out. you scare her,” he orders with furrowed brows, stroking the skin of your kneecap with his thumb.
levi scoffs but listens anyways, shutting the door behind him.
“my love, everything’s okay. it’s just us now,” he murmurs sweetly, managing to coax you out of your panicked state just a bit.
“us? j... just us,” your voice is shaky as your hand absentmindedly reaches out for erwin.
“yes, just us,” he confirms with a smile, managing to gather you in his large arms.
you continue to cry, only this time you can breathe.
“can’t be with ‘im... i’m scared,” you admit while attaching yourself to erwin, “so scared.”
shushing you, he coos, “you can, i believe in you.”
wrong choice.
“no! no! NO,” you start to trash in his arms, once again entering the almost inconsolable mind state.
since he wasn’t expecting your panicked reactions, you manage to kick him in the chest and push him away. his body bangs against the stool of your vanity, knocking it onto his side with a loud crash.
levi runs back inside, watching how you jump to your feet and over to your vanity. erwin manages to scoot further away from you, slightly unsure of your next move.
you’re sobbing uncontrollably as you slam your fast into your vanity’s mirror. it’s so clean, not a smudge on it. not even a speck of lint. it’s perfect.
the shards cut your hand, but you don’t care, too high on adrenaline. levi and erwin go to disarm you just as you manage to grasp a particularly large and sharp shard of glass.
the moment it’s in your hand, you raise your opposite wrist to the glass while screaming at the two men.
“NOT ANOTHER STEP,” you cry as you push the glass against your skin, freezing both levi and erwin, “not another fucking step or i kill myself with this shard right fucking here.”
“(name), my love, it’s alright! it’s okay! no one’s going to hurt you,” erwin barely moves an inch while he pleads, but you don’t care.
“I SAID NOT ANOTHER STEP!!” you roar while slicing the glass against your skin, blood immediately pouring from the new wound.
dark red paints the glass as your finger swipes against the blood by accident.
“get out,” you whimper, “just leave me alone to die, please.”
“we can’t do that,” levi says calmly, accidentally taking a step out of instinct.
it feels comparable to flour whenever the blade slices through your pretty skin. it burns and you know that you might end up having to get stitches from just how deep it is if you want to live. and considering you can only really get stitches from hospitals, you say your goodbyes in your head.
“if you can’t do that,” your vision is starting to grow hazy as your breath comes out ragged, “then, i’ll just kill myself right here, knife at the vein.”
this is the only way you’ll be free again. the only way you’ll be away from them. the only way you’ll probably ever get to see your friends again.
your hope has dwindled into nothing. you know you cannot get away, not in a million years. now, there’s only one way to escape. death.
and by god if you let one of them slaughter you.
and so, you slash your arm once more right against the vein. blood oozes from the wound with ease while your eyes roll back and your knees hit the floor. the last thing you see is erwin and levi running towards you with panicked looks on their faces. it almost makes you laugh.
you hope to see them in hell.
150 notes
·
View notes