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#i am literally so fucking faggy even at work
monadolaguz · 4 months
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I am literally so mad that like, two of my coworkers consistently refer to Warp as my "girl". Like, how much more fucking obvious do I have to make it that I'm a huge fag???? Do I have to wear a shirt that says I AM A FAGGOT TRANNY on it to get it through their heads?
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i haven't vented on here in a while but i guess i crave the feeling of being seen so here ya go (warning, its a doozy):
this weekend has been really hard for me. this week started with me being quite depressed, and i tried going to the gym again to at least get back on my fitness shit, which was pretty okay, i worked out three times i think? then i had a date with a guy, and i thought it went really well, but that was on Thursday and i haven't heard back from him so i'm guessing that ship has sailed. and since then, i've been underslept and drinking a lot. and there's lots of little stressors in my life right now. AND i hate my job.
i'm just kind of hating life right now. i feel so unfulfilled in this office job. yes its great money and yes its a graphic design career, and YES its probably the nicest office job a person could ask for. but i am unhappy. i hate sitting at a desk staring at a screen for 8 hours. sorry to say but i hate the vibe of office people. its so mundane and boring and sanitized and awful. i hate going into the office and sitting in that dry, warm cubicle. i hate all the little processes that i will literally never remember. i hate the passive aggression. i hate the pressure to be professional and normal. i hate all the anxiety i've acquired in the last couple of years from being so comfortable. i can't talk to people in public, i can't be calm on a date, i can't be fucked to do anything on my own!
and that date. sorry to say but it has really fucked me up. i was so anxious going into it, and he was cute, and taller than me, and seemed nice and we got along. we laughed and had similar interests, i made good eye contact and was hot and charismatic and fun. and he gave me a hug at the end and then i never heard from him again. what the fuck is that??? what gives?? what didn't he like? was i too faggy for him? were we too similar to each other? was i just not his type? so frustrating that i did a good job and was myself and even that didn't work. i thought this was going to be a turning point for me. i guess it still can be.
i hate this world we live in now. i hate my phone and my dependency on technology. i hate that i never have time or mental energy to be creative. i hate that me quitting this job will probably be a big let down to everyone.
i just want to live on a farm. have a boyfriend and Cookie (my cat) and some animals. some plants and veggies and just making meals off my land. minding our business and taking each day as it comes. no work-related responsibilities, no money to worry about, no politics to worry about. i want to spend my days caring for my land and my animals, my boyfriend, my creative endeavors, my health and exercise, my cooking, i want to sit in the sun and get freckles on my cheeks, i want to have bonfires at night with friends and tell stories and cook delicious food. i want to LIVE. right now i am not living. right now i am barely getting by mentally. things need to change. but i say that all the time and nothing does. what is the fucking point. everything is going to shit anyways. where is one supposed to derive joy from in this current world?
#me
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I think one of my most interesting and weird+silley parts of like. I don't even know what to call it, self shipping universes? Head space? The place the self shipping takes up in my brain? Idk but the one I'm talking about is the apartments and I'll talk about them a little bit here
The apartments are kind of a place where I take characters to help them out when their original universe won't do them any favors. The first one to be here was Hans!
Y'all might now how it started with Hans; we weren't even dating at the start we were like enemies and then fuck buddies and now just platonic friends. And he's also like, my bestie and whenever i have some fucking issue like I'm extremely sad or need to vent about my issues w other f/o's or similar i go to him lmao.
The second person to begin existing on the apartments wasn't actually a copyrighted character but instead just a Girl, a Woman who's now Hans OFFICIAL gf (i think it's official at least, they fucked once lmao) 😳🥰 and I don't even know her name and i barely know her looks but she's there and she's kind and a bit awkward and she's there for him. She's also the reason I can't be faggy with Hans anymore but i don't mind it at all 👍 (she doesn't forbids him to do so but she's like a bit not super happy about it so we just decided to mostly drop it).
And the third and for now LAST one to come to the apartment is my dear Midori! Who does her usual life and goes to school and stuff like she should :'3
Which btw I've been thinking of it a lot and either on person or perhaps online but Midori is definitely besties with Madotsuki. She lives somewhere else tho but they def are friends.
Midori-chan is however also quite friends with Hans! And it's extremely cute bc in a way we managed to form this very weird family of a Japanese survivor of extreme child abuse a former german-austrian Nazi and this weird little argentinian guy who got them all together. And it's fun and it's cute!!!
Midori also likes Hans' girlfriend but they aren't quite as close.
It took her a while to warm up to him btw, at first she didn't even want to be alone with him and struggled to hold conversation. Hans' intimidating aura, although this is something that partly went away with time, probably doesn't help either. But he's also very smooth with conversation and he genuinely cared so their relationship managed to work out.
Which is also great because i am rarely over there bc y'know I'm never anywhere 💀 so whenever she needs help with school stuff or just personal affairs and advice and whatnot she can hit up Hans-san and he gives her a hand 🥰
And by now you probably realized that the charm of the apartment is literally just helping the characters, it's all about them!!!! Hans himself went thru sooo much until he got to where he is now. And that's the point!! It's just people i see and I'm like Ough i love them i want to help them out so i do my best to achieve that <333
And, fun fact, i once offered Patrick to come live here! It was a pretty emotive honest moment, and he didn't answer, but i wasn't expecting less. Maybe someday tho... Who knows !
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belleandkurtbastian · 3 years
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Glee Season 1 rewatch recap
I just want to get some general thoughts out. I thought about liveblogging every episode, and I did tweet sporadically, but I think I've said most of what I have to say about Glee specifics over the past 12 years. I'm going to pull some thoughts from Jenna and Kevin's podcast "Showmance", too, as I listened to that alongside the season.
Season 1a
I don't think this is a controversial opinion: Season 1a is Glee at its purest and most consistent. It's not perfect by any means, and I'll get into that in a moment, but the purest distillation of the messages of hope and, yes, inclusion are in this first half-season. The characterisations are at their most consistent, especially as it pertains to the adults, and the overall arc felt focussed, if a little bloated at times.
But yes, it's not perfect. My main complaint about Season 1a, which WAS mostly fixed in the second half of the season, is the sheer amount of ableist language.
The tone of S1a was more dramatic than the rest of the series. Yes, there was still levity and comedy, and yes Terri and Sue were both absolutely ridiculous characters... But fundamentally, the tone was set by drama, not so much by the comedy.
Which comes back to the ableism. And other language, but the ableism is the one that sticks out the most. In the first four episodes, we get multiple uses of the word "cripple" to refer to Artie, and Rachel even uses the phrase "chomosomally challenged" at one point to refer to the football team... This turns around mostly by the time of Wheels, but I feel that RIB were leaning more on the shock factor and feeling "maybe we'll get around to actually addressing this" rather than proactively addressing it at all.
But overall, I think the tone of S1a was reasonable... And it's also the ONLY season where Will really attempts fairness in the club. Half the season is devoted to the ongoing Rachel arc of "Will don't give me everything I want", which continues through the rest of the show. But in S1a, she's actually right. Will isn't bowing to Rachel's every whim, while in the later seasons he DOES.
Season 1b
Season 1b is an interesting one. It's certainly not as polished as S1a, but it's also not gone off the deep end like the show really does by S4. I'd say it's pretty much halfway between S1a's heightened drama and S2 starting to lean more towards comedy. It's just a pretty pure dramedy, but with the usual heightened absurdity brought by Sue and the rest of the adult characters.
Tonally, it's pretty consistent. Plot-wise, I don't think it really holds up. They kind of wrote themselves into a bit of a weird corner. They set up basically every S1b plot thread in S1a. Vocal Adrenaline, Will's divorce, Will/Emma, Quinn's pregnancy... They basically left all the hard work for the second half of the season, and had to find a way to turn it around.
And I think on that backdrop they actually didn't do a bad job of it. The second half focusses much more heavily on the kids, and moves focus away from the adults, but it also suffers a little for that, because the writers weren't quite confident in their ability to write for those characters yet...
I think that of the first three seasons, 1b might be the weakest run. Maybe I'm misremembering S3, but I feel like as absurd as S3 could be, it was at least relatively consistent in its absurdity, while S1b had a lot of moments where you go "That doesn't quite work." Kevin and Jenna had the same opinion, roughly, too. There are just a lot of times in S1b where it feels like they're scrambling to tie things together.
Some more specifics overall:
Kurt and Burt
It's always the highlight of the show, and I think the fear I had was that the Kurt and Burt stuff just wouldn't hold up 11 years later... But honestly, I think it still worked.
I'm not going to pretend that everything Burt did was perfect (I've always been one of Burt's bigger critics in the fandom, from what I've seen), but my GOD Chris and Mike both sold the heart of that relationship. I had completely forgotten how well their scene with Finn in Theatricality went over, too. Burt wasn't hiding from his own past, and he was owning up to using words like "faggy" and "retard" when he was younger, but he really sold that scene.
It's tempting to think that time has marched on, but honestly... the rawness of the Kurt and Burt stories has not aged, and it is still as relevant today as it was in 2009 when it first aired.
Terri and Sue
This is basically me cribbing straight from the Showmance Glee Recaps, but Kevin and Jenna are absolutely right: Jessalyn Gilsig SET the tone of the show. Don't get me wrong, it's ridiculous and Terri's plan makes no sense... but if you watch it from the right angle, you get what Emma says about how you can feel for Terri's worries throughout the season.
But Jane also sells her part so well. It takes a little while for Sue's role to really cement itself, but by the time Jessalyn leaves the series it feels fine because Jane has really grown into the larger-than-life outsider role in the cast.
Rachel and her love interests
Rachel gets around in this season. It's not a slight against her, it's just a little jarring because so much of her plot over time is about how people don't like her... But she has three boys in just this one season. Yes, Puck was a brief thing, and she and Finn never really got going... But she has both of them AND Jesse at different points.
Of which speaking: it has been LITERALLY ELEVEN YEARS and I am still mad that they cut "Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love" from 1x14 Hell-O. It's not that they needed another Rachel number on the show, or even that they needed another Jesse number. It's that I think that scene really SELLS the Rachel/Jesse relationship, and without it the relationship feels a little hollow. Which is weird, because it's Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff. That relationship is barely even acting! It just needed the background to it.
Shelby, VA, Quinn
Anyone else noticed that Shelby feels... underutilised and a little forced into this season?
The whole "Rachel finds her mother" storyline just felt a little rushed... They gave Idina several numbers in the season, because if you've got Idina Menzel you fucking USE Idina Menzel... but there was a lack of organicness to them.
This problem would ABSOLUTELY have been worse if the original episode order had been retained. 1x20 and 1x21 Theatricality and Funk were originally the other way around, and that absolutely would not have helped here. The distance from the acceptance and departure in Theatricality to the final episode, Journey, already feels like there wasn't time to let it sit in between, but if those episodes were back-to-back it would have been worse. Honestly, I think Theatricality could have done with being moved up another episode, to x19, so that the Jesse departure stuff would make more sense in terms of timing, without the whole thing feeling rushed.
Speaking of Jesse... They really shoehorned Vocal Adrenaline performances into the show, right? Like, I'm not complaining... it's just that not all of those VA performances had real plot justifications :P
And finally, Quinn...
I would have liked to have seen the Shelby/Quinn interaction play out a little longer. I think like so much in the back few episodes, it could have done with another episode of buffer. It would have been a nice bookend for the season if Quinn and Puck AGREED to give Shelby their baby BEFORE it was born, and with Rachel's blessing, rather than their one interaction being stormed through.
On to Season 2, I guess?
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tussive · 4 years
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I have a lot of thoughts on this subject and some of them are touchy and I know many of my followers are trans.  I've never really spoken about most of this publicly, but I was just discussing this type of thing with @fresholivesfromtheolivebar and I thought having a place to organize my thoughts and get them out in a hopefully not too rambly/weird and mostly cohesive post.
I used to identify agender/non-binary for a period of time.  I've never identified as "male."  I don't understand men.  I don't get men.  They talk to me and it's like their way of thinking is completely foreign to me.  That isn't to say I'm not male.  I am very much male.  I was raised male.  I am seen as male.  I have been conditioned as  a male (possibly a faggy male lol) my entire life, including now, and that undoubtably affects how I perceive life and shapes my personality.  I've always mostly had women as friends, male friends generally I lost interest in talking to quickly, and I don't typically udnerstand their line of thinking/reasoning to begin with.
That's Colette quote sums it up really well for me.  "“I have nothing to say to men and never had.  Judging from the little time I’ve spent with them, their usual conversation is sickening.  Besides, they bore me.  I believe,” he hesitated, then concluded, “I believe I don’t understand men.”"
I have several male internet friends, but none who I'm especially close to.  We all go months without talking sometimes, but I do enjoy speaking  with them over shared interests.  William is the exception, but we have discussed these things at lengths and he feels almost (or maybe entirely) the same way as I do.  He doesn't really consider himsself "male" either.
I didn't like agender or non-binary or genderfluid or any of that, because I feel like they carry their own impressions that I didn't feel fit me.  When I was younger, I experienced a great deal of gender dysphoria.  I wanted to be born a girl.  Probably because I always got along better with the other girls school.  I spent a lot of time with my grandmother and her female friends.  My step-grandfather was in my life heavily and I loved him dearly, but I never connected with him on the same level I did with my grandmother.
I thought I may be trans when I was younger.  I looked into things, explored options, spoke with trans women and many of them were very pushy about transitioning.  I was under 18 at the time and one person actually threatened me with calling CPS, lying and saying I was abused, so I could go live with another family and could "be who I really was."
That experience put me off becoming trans a lot, if I'm being totally honest.  But also around that time I was questioning gender roles to to begin with.  Why are certain traits, behaviors and interests considered "female" and others are considered "male."  It didn't make sense to me.  So I just said fuck you to gender roles and started doing whatever I wanted and my gender dysphoria went away.  I still have aspects of my body I don't like and wish were different, but I think that's literally every human.  Mine may be based around my sex to a degree and wishing I looked more feminine, but the core of the problem is the same.
I went by  non-binary/agender for a while, but I didn't really love those because I felt like they came with their own implications, so I stil just called myself a male and would say like "male, kind of" or something when someone asked lol.  I generally say I'm straight, but I do find males to be sexually attractive, but I've never met a man who I was able to connect with emotionally on any level even close to resembling romantic attraction.  William is my only close male friend and I love him like a brother, not someone I want to put my dick into.  I know going by like "newer" more specific terms, I'd probably be like "agender/non-binary demisexual heteroromantic."  But I just feel like that is dumb.  I don't think a label needs to perfectly describe you, just give people a rough idea, personally.    
And like, I love trans people.  Let me say here, I do not view any issue with trans people and if they feel transitioning is their best shot at happiness, they should go that.  I am 100% believe in full bodily autonomy, you should be allowed to do anything with it that doesn't hurt someone.  I do think a minority of people have taken things with it too far and have started trying to "cancel" anyone who doesn't perfectly all in line with their idealogy, but the majority of trans people I've meant online and in person are not that, they just want to be happy in their own body.
That being sad, I do think a lot of "TERF" arguments are valid.  I think having spaces specifically for AFAB people is a good thing.  Being born male or female and raised and conditioned that way within a society WILL affect who you are as an adult, even if you were trans then and just didn't really realize it yet.  I like the "3rd gender neutral" bathroom idea, but I think it should go a step further.  Eliminate all multi stall bathrooms.  Every bathroom should be a single bathroom that anyone can use, regardless of sex or gender identity.
That all said, I view trans women as women.  And the above points aren't really fair to them,* I agree totally.  Like that is genuinely so shitty and my heart breaks for trans people who suffer through as much as they do.  It's not fair that it happens.  (Unfortunately a lot of things aren't fair.  Which doesn't mean "SUCK IT UP PUMPKIN" it just means shit is going to suck a lot and learning to roll with it is the best way to have any kind of peace of mind imo.  But I fully empathize.  I am no familiar with gender dysphoria.  And I still wish I was born female.
I just don't think transitioning is right for me because there's NOTHING that stops me from doing whatever I wanna do, wearing whatever I wanna wear, talking how I want to talk, etc as a male that I wouldn't be able to do.  So it doesn't matter all that much.  If other people want to transition, I fully support them and I think it should be easier for people to do so.
I love trans people, not to pull the "I even have some [x] friends!" card but basically every person I talk to regularly is a woman or trans/nb/queen/etc.  I do what I can to support them whenever I can.
I know some of what I said here probably comes across TERF-y, or whatever the male equivalent of that would be.  I don't claim that term, but I've been called it by random trans people online like hundreds of times.
If you feel like I'm a TERF or hate trans people or don't respect you or what you go through, by all means block/unfollow/message me to d iscuss it further.  If you unfollow, I get it, you won't offend me or anything.  Most of this is just me working out/posting my gender identity again because I feel good about it now really.  The trans stuff is just like there to try to add context of why I don't call myself trans.
(Kinda sidenote: honestly I've been calling myself "queer" more and more.  It's vague and doesn't give any specific impression other than "not cis opposite attracted person" and I think that's a good way to describe myself lol.)
Sorry this is long, sorry if this is confusing, I didn't proofread at all and sorry if this upsets you.  I'm happy to talk with you if you are upset about anything or if you just want nothing to do with someone like me, that's totally fine!
Anyway, if you read all of this, I tank you.  I know it's way too long but I just had some thoughts and feelings I felt relevant to things today and wanted to get  them out.
Love you. <3 Marcus
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jacobclifton · 7 years
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Atwood formed so much of my understanding of the world but definitely that 1990 movie was the first thing that got me, before the book -- I was very young; it was one of the few VHS tapes we owned.
Mother wouldn't let me watch it because it was "too much" -- and as I say this, I should clarify that my favorite movie was Pretty Woman, another VHS tape we owned. So it wasn't the sex, or even the questions of agency. It took me a long time to get what she was trying to save me from.
Elizabeth McGovern was so, so good -- I have remained a staunch fan since then, probably wouldn't have gotten into Downton so early if not for her -- and I think I took on her role a little too easily, for gay-teen-trauma reasons (http://screenertv.com/television/will-grace-returns/) -- obviously my response to that film and book, as a man, are one thing...
But as a gay tween who was just then coming to grips with how easily my life might be ended for it, the story spoke to me in a way that I'm only feeling more and more legitimate about, as I age.
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What the TV show does is brighten the corners on Atwood's mission more strongly: That it's not just a dystopia and all the things it is as agitprop, it's also a Margaret Atwood novel -- a description of the economy between men and women that we live in NOW. A nearly judgment free, objective report on how our lives were at that time -- and are now even more, I would say.
For example: We take the very simple proposition that other people are unknown quantities, okay, and we say, "I think I am a person--do you agree?" And with the world so heavily tilted away from that truth, you feel like a spy: You feel like you're saying a codeword, hoping for the response.
And then the world, to protect itself from that very dangerous thought that you might both be people, processes these negotiations into the depersonalized counterintelligence that passes for common sentiment: "Women always fight with each other, give me a fight with a man any day, women can't be trusted, not even other women trust women."
And all you were trying to do was ascertain whether the world was actively fucking you, or if there was a joke you're not in on. The only answer the status quo will ever give you to, "Am I being gaslighted right now?" is going to be "Wow, you are even fucking crazier than we thought."
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Or for me, not that gay men aren't trained to hate and fear each other both as men and as traumatized woman-equivalents: The way, for example, the Aunties have to beat it into your head that you're the reason, you specific woman, for the things that happen to you--that the institutional and archaic, tilted way we look at women and femininity is so unnatural that for the system to work at all, for it to just seem like real life or something worth fighting for, we must rely on our parents and peers to literally beat it into us. (And return the favor, as parents and as peers.)
When it came out about young Mitt Romney holding down that boy and cutting off his faggy hair, I got into so many tough conversations about the LDS Church and its reverence for gender roles--how far down it goes, just like any orthodox culture that fears dissolving if it ever stops breeding--and how Mormons can be so awesome in so many ways but still so brutal about enforcing something as silly as "this is what a woman used to look like, this is what a man was once supposed to be or do."
(Homophobia and hatred are often fake-Christian values, but the Mormon thing is verrrry specific here--and a ton of money goes into it.)
And so to me as a reader, and a lover of the TV show, it was always just as important that we look at how tenuous those dumb rules are, and how silly in that context things like "religious freedom to not bake gay cakes" or "bathroom bills to protect the nonexistent" actually are -- that they're vestigial symptoms of a greater traditional need that no longer has meaning. That cannot save a single life or people, if it ever could.
And that most of our ideas about gender are just straight-up wagging the dog at this point, and causing so much pain and death in the process. It makes me angry, but not in the social justice way that the more literal sides of the story do. It makes me angry because it's needless and wasteful and sad.
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We think of other cultures' treatment of women's bodies as this bizarre outlier, like a virus that got in their heads. But the truth is that clitorectomies are on the same exact axis as defunding Planned Parenthood: Both are sociopathic acts men can justify because it rests on such a rich, deep foundation of things that once made sense but no longer do, even on that basic a level.
The joke about colonialism is like, "I claim this thing!" and the birds don't care and the fish don't care and the trees don't care -- because you are making a fool of yourself. And the second they start laughing, that's when you start killing people: To make it true. To take that fantasy of conquest and make sure nobody's left to laugh at you.
Or like a few weeks ago I made a joke about how straight people are so stupid they think an all-gay planet would die out from the inability to have children--and my mother got offended, which was adorable and whatever, but it's the same basic thing:
One fish says "the water's warm today!" And the other fish says, "...What the fuck is water?"
You can't describe the system to a person who is trapped by it, which is why Rule #1 for a happy life is never describing privilege to someone when they are displaying it, because you are critiquing the universe on a level that makes so little sense it is Lovecraftian.
If I say "gay Boy Scout Troop Leader" you think perverts with mustaches wandering in off the street -- you don't think "gay mom, gay dad" because we aren't there yet: What the fuck is water? And if I even try to tell you what water is, I'm calling you stupid or worse.
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Here, it's frustrating to know it's a fight that never NEEDED to be fought--that the entire culture war is just fighting for a dead king, like those Japanese soldiers from WWII still out in the jungle, because you got beaten with an effective amount of brutality when you were young enough to think that's as good as it could get, and that spreading that abuse is helping.
The "Children of Men" high concept is spectacular enough that most of us only get to those secondary readings late in the game, but it's the easiest part: What if men had a REAL reason to police women's bodies?
But that's an idea a sentence long, that's all it is. That's like saying "Election" is about vote tampering, or "Mean Girls" is about the immigrant experience. They are also portraits of the human experience, and they are also specific to this:
To our lives surrounded by the water, never breathing air -- because you don't know what air is, either. And because nobody ever told us, "Look up! This is all very stupid! Don't worry about it!"
Which is why Handmaid isn't just an effective "rebellious" text and all the things we'll be calling it when it airs: It's also a George Saunders-type absurdist text about the foolishness -- the crushingly humiliating, embarrassing silliness -- of thinking someone else's body could ever be yours to own, to conquer. Or to dirty.
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rogue-gender · 7 years
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Oops a little personal post. But I got a corset today and I love it and love the shape it gives me but it does make me dysphoric because I can't present myself in the way I want to at home. I have to be a boy 24/7 bc im in the suburbs and my fam is still getting used to the idea of me actually being trans/nonbinary. So like I can't wear "women's clothing" when I want, or mix the two or anything like that. So putting on the corset and seeing myself in it just kinda makes me sad? Like I wish that I could dress the way that made me feel authentic and happy but I can't. And that really fucking sucks. And I would love to wear makeup more! But even yesterday when I wore makeup to work two customers complained about it and these two boys literally yelled " oh hell naaa! None of this faggy as shit over here. This makeup bullshit and all " like I know I have to be strong to be me. But still. It still hurts a little. Idk. I just wish I could be me without worry about what others will think of how will they treat me. I really need to move back downtown. Or be back to where my support system is. Even tho I shouldn't NEED a support system tho. But tbh I do. I do right now while I still figure out who I am exactly and get the confidence to proudly and publicly be me. And I hope that time comes soon. Bc rn tbh I'm feeling pretty shitty.
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