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devintrinidad · 2 months

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15, 16, & 24 for the ask game ♡

Hi, Chloe! Thanks for the asks! :D

15. What’s your favorite season?

I really like winter! The season is so beautiful and it's cold and everyone gets bundled up??? It's so nice! Love it! I'm also partial to how autumn slowly transitions into winter and how winter transitions into spring. Maybe it's because I haven't seen snow in years, but the icy frigidity is comforting.

16. Want any tattoos? What of?

I know I talk a big game about phlebotomy, but I'm really allergic to pain. I don't like it. I'm fine with vaccines and blood draws, but only because it's necessary. Tattoos are pretty, but I don't think I would enjoy the process on myself personally. Plus, I would put so much time and effort in finding a tattoo that holds a lot of meaning to me, but isn't seen as tacky to others, that I'll eventually chicken out and not do it anyway.

Okay, the next one is kinda personal, so I'm putting it under a readmore:

24. When was the last time you cried? Why?

At work.

Okay, full context and the story, here we go:

So, the last time was literally a week or so ago, on a Thursday. I mentioned before that I work with autistic children, but I don't think I mentioned that I don't really have a lot of experience with working with small kids. Yes, I do have a psychology degree, but I didn't think the company that hired me would take me on because I don't really have that much experience to back me up.

Anyway, I'm a behavior technician, which means that my job is to teach kids how to be more independent through discrete trial or incidental teaching. (It's a lot of technical jargon, but think of me as a teacher, but I allow my kids to roam and run free while I incorporate lessons into what they do).

So, on this particular Thursday, I'm with an afternoon session with one of my kids. He's really smart and he's adorable! He can write letters and even words! He's mostly nonverbal, but he'll let you know what he wants by gesturing and using what little vocabulary he has. (He also has a hyperfixation on farms/farm animals... you'll see how that pertains the story later).

That day, I was still getting supervision on my sessions, but sometimes, my boss had to leave to supervise others or to do some paperwork. When he did supervise me, he was always quick to provide feedback or praise, but the feedback hits extra hard because I'm still learning. I know he means well, but I can't deny that I felt a little disheartened, especially when I know that the other behavior techs on my team are so great with our kids.

In my session with this particular kid, we're at a table and he's trying to play with a toy barn. The doors had been taken off (don't ask me why, I think some other kids were rowdy with it) and he was trying to put them back on. He was getting frustrated and I asked him, "Hey, friend, do you need help? I can put them back on for you." And he kinda shoves the doors into my hands and I try to put the barn doors back on.

Thing was: the barn doors weren't cooperating. I mean, the doors were eventually fixed, but I must not have worked fast enough because ten seconds later (doors were still not on the little barn), my kid starts howling.

A note about me: I get really uncomfortable when other people cry. It's not like I dislike the crying, but because I don't know what to do... and I also do get the urge to cry. (It's gotten better over the years, but when I was a little kid, if someone started crying, I would usually start crying too).

I tried telling my kid, "Hey, friend! It's almost fixed! We're gonna have a great time with the farm, right?" And like encouraging him to be patient with a lower tone of voice, but it wasn't working.

There happened to be another behavior tech in the room (not on my team) with her own kid and she tried to help me, but my kid started going ballistic.

He was bawling, practically screaming, and I think there were some other things on the table like books and stuffed animals???? that he swiped them off the table and onto the ground.

Eventually, the other behavior tech left because her kid was probably getting overstimulated by the meltdown and I also fell silent. I just...

I didn't know what to do.

He wasn't responding to my attempts to soothe him, he wasn't responding my attempts to give him markers or toys.

Eventually, my boss came back and he took charge.

Chloe.

This man.

He is so good with kids.

He started with telling the kid that his feelings were valid, that it was all right to cry.

The kid started to calm down, but was still noticeably agitated.

So, noticing that, my boss started singing Old Macdonald and that's when the kid finally calmed down, relaxed, and went back to playing with some toys.

The entire exchange happened in like five minutes and I was stunned.

This man, he just??? Calmed down the kid in the most soothing way possible? Creatively too?

And then, he starts telling me that sometimes we have to adapt to our kids needs, that we have to think things from our perspective. He also told me about deescalation strategies and how to improve in the future.

And it was all great advice!

But!

Here's the thing:

My kid had been having a meltdown for like ten to fifteen minutes before my boss came in and I'm in near tears.

I'm. In. Near. Tears.

Now was not a great time to give me a lesson.

And that's on me. I should have been open and honest that maybe I needed a break, needed some space, all that jazz.

But like, I kept quiet about it, responded to his questions and told him that I understood, but the entire time, I was close to breaking.

(So either I'm really good at concealing how I'm feeling, my boss didn't notice, or my boss did notice and decided not to say anything. Whatever the three... it's not good).

Eventually, my kid wanted to leave for another room and my boss had to go supervise someone else.

So:

I'm in another room, my kid is currently drawing on another table, I'm still reeling from feeling useless and pathetic, and then! Another player arrives.

This lady who comes in told me that she's going to supervise me and give me some more tips since my boss needs to handle another behavior tech. The lady is the clinical director, so she knows a lot about kids and psychology in general.

So, she goes on about different strategies to help me run trials with my kids and how to deal with challenging behaviors.

On any other day, this would be a great learning experience! I like learning ways to improve my methods on delivering treatment!

But! Not today. Not right now when I'm still trying to process my feelings and the fact that my kid still isn't responding/attending/allowing me to build rapport with him.

I try my best to deliver trials with the lady's advice, but he continues ignoring me for the rest of the session.

Chloe.

I was in session with that kid for two hours. The first forty five minutes were kinda fine, the next fifteen was the meltdown, and that final hour was spent in near tears trying to keep everything together and promising myself that I would cry at home.

Eventually, I had to transition my kid to another behavior tech (he was my final session and I could go home... if it weren't for the fact that I was scheduled for like a final meeting where my boss could go over scheduling, my treatment delivery, etc.)

So, I'm still in the middle of not trying to cry when my boss goes, "How is everything?"

And Chloe:

That's when I was started to lose it:

"Not well."

And that's such a short thing to say, right? But I must have said it loud enough for him to hear because my voice was cracking and I was hiding my face so he doesn't see (I'm a firm believer in eye contact and he had been supervising me a while to know that, I think) and he goes:

"Take a break."

And I just run.

Tears are literally escaping my eyes, I'm rushing out of there and into a bathroom and that's when I start literally crying.

Like,

Literally wailing and trying to stifle everything.

For ten long minutes, I was in that bathroom trying to come up with a good reason to go outside and face my boss, because??? I didn't want to be caught dead crying in front of my boss! Who does?

Eventually, I began balling up wads of tissues and drowning them water so I can place them on my eyes. (It helps with redness so it doesn't look like I'm crying). I also, on the off chance that I began crying again, grabbed some more tissues from a nearby toilet paper roll.

And I headed back inside.

And that's when I saw my boss and the clinical director standing together talking.

My anxiety has gotten better over the years, but in that instant, all my worst fears were coming to pass. Were they discussing how badly I handled my final session that day? Were they criticizing me? Were they letting me go? Was I not good enough for them?

When they gestured for me to come meet them, they were smiling and looking supportive, but like??? At that moment, I felt myself breaking even more.

When I approached, the clinical director was like, "Hey, how're you doing?" And her voice was really soft and soothing and I really wanted to believe that she meant well.

And I kinda wanted to play off that I was fine and doing okay because I kinda just waved my balled up fist filled with toilet paper tissues, "Oh, yeah! I'm fine! I even got extra tissues just in case!"

Which.

I don't know.

Is not a normal thing to say?

And I think that's when they understood that I was not. Okay.

Because that's when the clinical director was going to say something, but--

I teared up and started sobbing again.

Full on crying.

Thank goodness kids are loud and behavior techs learn to mind their own business except for when it comes to their own kids hahaha~!

As soon as I began crying, I hid my face in my hands and I felt the lady come and give me a hug.

Cue me crying even harder because I expected the worst, and the worst was technically happening, but the clinical director??? Was so soft??? And warm??? And why is she hugging me???

And I hear them talking to each other and I’m still kind of not in the moment except for trying to keep it together even though I’ve long since lost it and that’s when I hear, “Let’s go into another room, okay?”

And they begin ushering me into a nearby conference room.

(I don’t think anyone was paying attention, but it was still humiliating rushing somewhere unknown while I’ve got my fists bawled up against my eyeballs).

Anyway, I'm apologizing for... I don't know... everything? Like I'm apologizing for crying, for not being good enough, for taking up their time because they shouldn't have to baby me.

And you know what? They didn't baby me at all.

Instead, they really talked to me as a person. They told me that I was doing great, that I was still learning and it was expected that I would make mistakes. They also told me that the clinical director should have been debriefed better because my boss thought that the both of us could handle it and that the situation hadn't impacted me as badly as it really did. In all honesty, it's kinda funny. It was because of miscommunication and misunderstanding, which is ironic because I'm pretty sure everyone in the room majored in psychology at one point lol

Anyway, my head is kinda ducked underneath the table because, again, I'm still crying and I'm not pretty to look at when full on crying. The both of them agree that they'll meet me again tomorrow (it's close to the end of my shift, so I was going to leave) and that they were going to talk about how they were going to make it so that I would be more comfortable in this environment, how to lessen the burden of transition, and what else they could do to help me.

The clinical director had to leave because she had to attend to other matters, but my boss held me back for a couple more minutes.

(Okay, that's more of a hyperbole).

He told me that I could stay in the privacy of the meeting room as long as I wanted so that I could gather myself and calm down.

He told me that I was doing really well... but that's not the only thing he told.

He told me to have compassion for myself, that I'm at where I need to be, and that if he wanted to fire me or found fault in my work/attitude, we would be having a wildly different conversation.

Yesterday, I told you that what happened made me into a better person. I think that was an exaggeration. I'm not a better person.

Yet.

I don't know, the words he told me and how he told it, with so much compassion and empathy. He was calm and he didn't talk me down. He let me cry and ask him questions.

I aspire to be as empathetic, to always see the humanity in others. I want to be the person others can look to when it comes to trust and opening up their vulnerabilities.

He also told me that it took years of working with kids and I had just started. Of course I wasn't going to be the best at it, there is a learning curve and I was doing my best. And that's a good thing.

Afterwards, I finally left and went home.

I kinda cried a little before work started the next day, but I think I got better and began working towards trying to embody not only an improved behavior technician, but also a better person.

So yeah.

tldr; A patient under my care had a meltdown, I had a meltdown, and my boss and another boss saw it and talked me through it.

Thank you so much for the questions, Chloe! I know this took longer than it should have, but the experience hit me really hard. I hadn't cried that hard since my meltdown back in June so yeah.

I hope you have a wonderful night and that your grandmother had an even better birthday! :D

#ask #ask game #hystericfae #hystericfae ask #might as well ask you a question #have you ever cried in a situation like this? maybe not in front of your boss #but definitely in front of people you would never imagine being vulnerable in front of #devintrinidad #answered #personal

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