#help me to see without tears
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An unbothered queen has entered, and subsequently left.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen qing#wen ning#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#In the audio drama she quite literally opens the door and then leaves after seeing them without breaking conversation.#It is both so impressive and deeply funny to me.#I imagine her just literally pivoting in one foot and walking right out.#She came home after a long day at work and in 0.5 seconds went “I would rather go back to the office than deal with this right now”.#Besides tickling me to near tears - this scene is also a great introduction to Wen Qing - her first instinct is to protect!#She lives by the code of 'I don't care who you are - if you need help I will lend it.' a true doctor and professional.#Sure she is *mad* that Wen Ning puts himself (and her to a lesser extent) at risk by helping 'the enemy' but she gives in quick.#I love Wen Qing a lot - she is such an unsung hero in this story.#Sorry that her first appearance on this blog was...what it was. I'll let your curiosity take you down that path...
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sailor moon for my grandma bc she used to love usagi lots :')
#every time i draw usagi now i tear up bc i always think of my gma#i havent talked abt it bc why would i but my gma passed away in september and its been rough without her#i was her caregiver so ive seen her progress from being decent and alright to be bed ridden and needing help with basics things#and seeing the progress has def helped me with her actual death but i miss her so much still i always miss her#sorry to go on in the tags... i havent publically talked about my grandmas passing until now#she did rly like sailor moon tho! i always tried to get her charms and stickers and ofc drawing her usagi sometimes#besides usagi she quite enjoyed ami bc of her blue hair :)#sailor moon#sailor moon fanart#usagi#usagi tsukino#pretty guardian sailor moon#bishoujo senshi sailor moon#myart
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had an odd dream that i was reading a comic book. sketched a couple of the pages i could remember.
#i might adapt this into an actual story because i am SO SO SO mad that it isn't a thing i can go back to reading#oc#im definitely keeping the concept of save-bot i fucking love save-bot he's just doing his best. i love a robot who wants to help people#im not equipped to be writing about underground rebellions with any sense of real tact though#besides its in a superhero universe/story so you know it would just be so sucks lol#sketch#god the colors were so interesting. the teal parts were all very precisely crosshatched and the fire was this gorgeous brush pen looking#colored inks that just seemed like they were MOVING#and i mean some of that was because i was dreaming but god even in my halfhearted copy you can see some of the movement#it was a bad scene but a really really REALLY fun dream. i love when a book can *get* to me so i was really enjoying it#put it aside so i could take a break and woke up. instant fury at the universe for not having it be a real book instead#ill reblog with details if anyone's curious. i can explain this scene but i dont feel like it#the green people are in a secret basement though. hiding from the government. blue jacket guy is a speedster robot named save-bot who does#rescue stuff with every fire department so fire suppression technology is not very good because save-bot "can just save you''#however they're badly over their legal occupancy and the secret basement has One (1) exit so everyone is like really fucked here.#includinig save-bot who is going to do his job until he dies because he is an ai without any sense of self preservation and he cares#which i didn't even CATCH until i woke up and started tryin to frantically note everything down#and then i was like wait. the glitter on that last page before i realized i needed a glass of water to keep reading... what WAS that...#(it was tears suspended in midair because save-bot goes so fast and also knows he's so fucked LOL)#seriously i'm so mad someone else didn't make this.
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genuinely kind of terrified as to what will happen to me when i see bare live in three (three!!!!!!!!) days. i will either go fully insane or transcend mortality or perhaps both. either way i will most likely end up full weeping.
#going to see bare with my mother will be on par with seeing deh with her in regards to our [gestures vaguely] relationship#we will hold hands. we will cry. we will have emotionally intense conversations on the walk back to the hotel.#but guys. i genuinely tried to listen to a clip of just an instrumental from the show and teared up.#bare is just. Such a big part of who i am. i literally wouldn't be anything like i am today without it and the people it brought me.#and i laugh and joke but this is Such a full circle moment for tvp nation.#like i am currently about to self-produce a workshop of my play that has professional theatre companies interested.#and all of that started from writing a silly little show about bare when i was 14 to make cool people online laugh.#and since then the plot of bare (peter's version) Has Happened To Me Twice but i have been so so brave about it#i haven't listened to the full soundtrack since last year and i've been going cold turkey in Anticipation#i just Know my ***** is going to have the most insane reactions on it.#god. it's so crazy to me. what if you were gay and catholic and an angsty pop rock punk opera teen and you grew up to be happy.#anyways. in my feels. going to have lunch and listen to bway breakdown before class.#BECAUSE I GO TO A CLASS NOW!!! EXCITING!!! it's for writing and marketing stuff :) which is super helpful and fun#anyways haven't done a tumblr rant in a while. miss you guys in my phone <3 if you're reading this i love you forever mwah
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Wtf, even just browsing job sites / listings / descriptions is enough to make me nauseous with anxiety and depression. When, why, and how did I ever become such a useless and pathetic mess?
#not trek#personal log#unemployment#unemployed#my therapist wanted me simply to Look and see what's out there but omg i've spent 90 minutes and want to tear all the skin off my bones#i can't handle anything that involves phone/video calls‚ customer service‚ relocating‚ teaching‚ or early mornings#trying to look for remote work because she said there's lots available now and yet everything i've seen still seems beyond my capacity#eventually my parents will die. and while i doubt my brother will want their house (so i'll inherit it) i won't last long without an income#i can't take care of myself and it horrifies me#and i know i'll never have a spouse to help me or depend on so once my folks are gone i will be completely on my own#but i don't know how to do the most basic damn things i can't cook can't work a standard 9-5 can't even make phone calls#how the fuck am i ever going to make it?#(i know. i won't‚ that's how.)#i'm in literal all-over physical pain over this‚ headache nausea sore joints sobbing just waiting to see how long i can go without c*tting#prayers appreciated‚ i genuinely don't know what i'm supposed to do#depression#anxiety#depressive episode#my life is an exercise in absurdity shame futility and more shame#self loathing#self pity#pantophobia#spiralling#if you're reading this i am so sorry in so many ways 😣#forever alone#heartsick#soul sick#jtkchu's brain#stfu jtkchu#early morning thoughts
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It's the autism really but I can't stop thinking about her :(
Missing her so bad it's affecting my health
She's just some weird short girl that wants to stay uninvolved but needs details anyways
Ignorance is bliss and maomao lives in agony and I can't get enough of it
I'm love her :(
#autism is a curse#i get this way abt twilight too#like please help me god#it does not help that shes so cute#like to be autism coded and resonate w me is one thing#TO BE SO CUTE?? TOO?? my god#excited tor katsucon if i see any maomao cosplayers#i will be crying!!@#tears of joy but tears all the same!#i wont have enough money if theres gonna be merch too#ark#who wants to be me 3 million dollars to spend on bullshit#if i come home without a tad tshirt#i will be blowing up buildings#apothecary hour
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
not my sunbro...
damn you miyazaki...
#i'm so sorry my friend... it was for your sake...#given that this is dark souls i should have seen it coming but man...#HIS DEATH DIALOGUE NOOO#you should have found your sun my friend...#not a fucking bug#SERIOUSLY SOLAIRE DYING BECAUSE OF A BUG???????#were you that desperate?#oh god i feel terrible#later i had to go to anor londo to try to find something and seeing that area around the bonfire completely desolate without solaire there#it was so fucking depressing#AND I SAW LIKE 3 DIFFERENT MESSAGES SAYING 'tears?' LIKE YEAH NO SHIT#so i left one too :')#*sigh* i miss him already#i keep letting characters die and now firelink shrine is more of a grave than a nice safe sanctuary to chat with npcs#(haha funny there's an actual graveyard there haha oh god)#ouch i just remembered that i kinda let larentius hollow#god he was so nice too#he literally trusted me with a part of himself dude wth i feel horrible#the fromsoft experience™#i remember when i felt terrible for getting the immortal severance ending in sekiro#NOT MY BOI KURO DAMNIT#and wolf becoming a sculptor like the proof of an endless cycle of suffering that i failed to break...#god i hate that ending#*sigh* back to ds1 at least siegmeyer is still alive and jolly as ever#except he met me at firelink and said he was going somewhere and now i'm terrified that's he's just gonna die too ahahahahahah help#NOT YOU TOO ONIONBRO STAY ALIVE OR I'LL... I'LL KILL YOU#...sorry for venting in the tags#AND THE WORST OFFENDER IS THAT I HAD TO KILL HIM MYSELF FUCK#i'm so sorry my friend... my sunbro...#dark souls
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Update Post
Hey guys, just a shorter update on this post with full context but I still do need some help with the move. I've knocked some items off the list - HUGE thank you to everyone who helped - but if I could get a reblog and help spread this further, I'd be so grateful. It hasn't gained much attention outside my mutuals and I really need more help.
Bills have been paid, and pet meds purchased, but I still need to go to the doctor asap as I'm out of meds now, including my heart and psych meds. ($130 for the visit and 90 day supply of meds). I also need food for the next couple of weeks before the move. ($70 for a larger grocery trip)
Paypal * Venmo * Cash * wishlist with food
#thank you to everyone who has helped or boosted#i know for those who follow me#its probably getting annoying seeing this over and over again#i just dont have a lot of followers and its not gaining much traction beyond them#i just have some very generous loving mututals 😭#i literally wouldnt be here without them#but i have gained a bunch of new followers lately and hello! Welcome#love having you here#i hate to ask but a tiny boost would be very appreciate#i'm gonna leave the longer post pinned for full context#but want the updated amount left needed to be the one going around#because its a much more manageable looking number#edit: just as i posted this another long time mutual came through with a huge chunk#i'm speechless and in tears
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i have literally nowhere else to put this i apologise for the spam. the absolute best thing to come out of s3 trent is without a doubt the fucking earnestness... like in s1-2 he always came across as a very self-assured kind of guy, who knew how he came off (ie: intimidating) and enjoyed it. but seeing that paired with him being silly + completely relaxing in certain company??? pulling ridiculous faces at vodka + scrunching up his nose when he smiles @ colin + making the most ABSURD 'i really wanna say something right now but i feel like im interrupting' noises ive ever heard in my fucking LIFE??? its like. he is cool as shit and he is self assured AND he can make dumb fucking sherlock holmes jokes and dance ridiculously. its like!!!! he's lame but he's also not bc he's exactly as confident in being lame as he is being cool. do u see the vision. he has killed the part of him that cringes!!!! its just.. that unshakeable self confidence that u see in his fucking swaggers into frame includes all of himself + his different moods and eccentricities and that's just so based to me idk. unironically live ur best life wear the loudest combination of prints and patterns and primary colours uve ever seen in ur life while espousing the virtues of extended museum hours!!! contain multitudes! get silly with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#ted lasso spoilers#combined with james lance's hc abt trent's past its just. like!!#the growth from 'i can't be what you want me to be so im going to be Better than them + tear them down'#-> 'i know my reputation so im going to lean into that + be ruthless + intimidating' ->#'actually fuck this? fuck this! im just gonna be me and if anyone has a problem w then L To Them I'm Actually Living'#also this is just my hcs at this point but like. i do think ted helped a lot w the latter part of this process in so much as. ted embodied#someone who was Visibly weak + vulnerable and had no armour/no sense of self preservation#(the opposite of trent's persona) and made no effort to change anything abt himself to prevent attack. obviously ted has a lot of social +#class advantages that make that less risky for him than it would be for others but like. u get the drift#and i THINK. seeing how without that armour/facade ted was able to be rlly direct + earnest w connecting w ppl#like asking an interviewer 'what do u love?' and rlly genuinely wanting to know the answer#and bc TRENT was specifically in the position of 'i could fucking destroy u rn and u wouldn't put up a fight'#that kind of. shifted his perspective a bit? like. damn what would that say abt me if i wrote a hit piece on this guy rn#i disagree VERY strongly w the idea that trent's more positive character development moments happened ONLY bc of ted (i don't think that's#true for anyone in the show tbh) BUT i think ted's presence at a pivotal point in his life was what helped him confront the fact that#at this stage in his life all his intellectual armour was doing was making him into someone Mean rather than just incisive#like. 'is this a fucking joke' is not cutting journalism. u get me??#and arguably that's a fine and even safe choice to make when ur younger and have no support/reputation backing u up#but after decades? its like man wtf are we doign here if were literally just living preventatively#smth smth i hope i am not just a tumblr blog to u but a blog who is inventing the brain chemistry of a sitcom side character#w each new episode they watch. trent crimm is my best friend irl i know he would have scorching hot takes abt each new season of survivor#and would earnestly heckle the jury and final 3 alike
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i think i got food poisoning i need to be strapped to an iv
#vent???#at least me being cringe#or maybe it’s the e fucking pain talking#“drink water” if i even think of consuming anything i will tear my organs out#trying to play music seeing if it helps#i need my parents to sleep so i can suffer in peace#it’s so embarrassing going to the bathroom for the 5th time while they’re awake#lord please#oh i’m warming up#thank god i was getting cold#man i can’t wait for it to get colder so i can wear my silly little outfits without sweating#cnp rants
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literally never felt more personally connected to a character than lake infinity train they make me ill
#that bitch is aroace ambigiously transmasc. send post#god. god. they srsly drive me insane im tearing up just thinking about them.#''i am a PERSON!" goodbye.walking into the ocean#THEIR STORY MAKES ME CRAZYINSANE i cant take it i cant take it. book 2 is so fucking good i'll never get over it#seeing them struggle in a system that doesnt view them as a person. that doesnt care about who they are or what they want#only what they can do for others. and them having to fight so fucking hard to get out of that and find a place where they can be themself#without being hunted down by the fucking police for it. finding someone else who accepts them and loves them and wants to help them#and just. just the fact that lake goes the whole thing looking the most transmasc i think someone could possibly be#while being referred to with she/her and by a name they don't identify with bcuz they haven't thought of a better one#and by the end they've renamed themself fucking LAKE of all things#IT LITERALLY STARTS WITH THEM SHAVING OFF ALL THEIR HAIR AND DITCHING GIRL CLOTHES LIKE. WHAT MORE DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY#DAWG THEYRE LITERALLY THE REFLECTION OF A GIRL AND EVERYONES TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO LIVE LIFE AS THAT GIRL#like the stuff with being tulip's reflection and everything and lake trying to escape that identity. its sooooo transmasc#god. god. i cant fucking take it#serena.txt
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I hope everyone who reads this is having a better day than I am 🙏
#Away on a work thing for a couple of days and while my work situation has started to improve it's still not great in many aspects#Things can't just become amazing in no time I understand that#The main difference now from a month ago is that I now have someone who has my back#And who is systematically working to relieve me of a lot of burdensome work#And she is great. She is amazing. She really DOES have my back and I feel hopeful for the future. She cares.#But I still have coworkers (especially one of them) who are treating me so unfairly#I had to go to my hotel room and cry over the phone with my partner earlier today#Because I've worked my fucking ass off for such a long time to do good things and help my coworkers#And try to get us out of impossible situations as best as I can#And this is in no way meant to be a brag I just want to be extremely clear here about what's going on:#Without me they would be out of a job. Because I've been tearing myself into a million tiny pieces to hold the company together.#And what I get in return is literally... Complaints. And negativity. And annoyed comments about how they wish things could be better.#And the things they DO SEE that are GOOD they do not attribute to me at all#They have barely even thanked me for anything I have done#And I am supposed to fucking sit there. And smile. And be pleasant. And be social with them and have a haha good fun time with them.#But I am just so sick and tired of working my ass off for people who don't even care.#I don't even think anyone realises it but I am *this close* to just saying fuck it and quitting.#The only thing that's keeping me from doing that right now is the fact that this person who is slowly making things better for me DOES CARE#She is slowly realizing just how much of the company I'm carrying on my back and how close I am to collapsing under the ungrateful weight#And she has made it very clear to me that she will help me. That she sees me and supports me and that she will get things off my back.#And I really truly believe her#But if for some reason she would disappear... I don't think I can stay here anymore#So this is really the last chance I'm giving it#Anyway it will all turn out okay. I'm sure it will.#I'm just so disappointed and angry and sad right now#I've just suffered through a long dinner with them all and now I have escaped to my hotel room#I am going to comfort-binge Netflix for the rest of the night and try to be kind to myself.#Sorry for the long-ass vent#I'm impressed if you got this far#Tw vent
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It's all very difficult. 3am and still no sleep, the world is loud and bright and won't keep still. I'm told that there's a good chance to save everyone and I'm afraid I'll do something about it and that I'll do nothing about it and something terrible will happen. There's a chance to go home and a chance to get help and I don't know which I'll be led to either by my own confusion or my own desire to have everything end. I feel like I'm at a very important time in my life but I also want to eat something with potatoes but have to wait until 8.
#i have a thing to do today#some time before tea i hope so i can leave without darkness fears#and then ill be free#im excited and i burt into tears sometimes and theres nothing#its a lot and i only write now when i can so i can see it at some point#for me#i could do this. so easily. i could just do it#but i could also risk seeking help#no one knows here either#and its kind of funny because i spent today just so out of it and talking to the others and no one said a thing#i feel like im being consumed by something and it isnt rage#fear and hope and purpose#i should lie down but it gets so loud#either way im going out today#i just have to let the first thing pass#and if i phone them then maybe#or i could go home#i might be able to find my way and as i go protect this world from that thing which takes it all away#if i could just scream it would be better
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me when someone posted the leland voicelines finally: why do you sound like that babygirl
#without the context of being run down by murderers some of the effort sounds are so…#also he’s so audibly in tears sometimes. honey#also very funny when he’s like ‘stupid door’ when one is locked. you’re so dumb#he’s literally such a baby on his own encountering horrors and gore but when he sees a friend he’s like stay with me we’ll get out i got yo#me sobbing ‘no one left behind’ when helping someone out of a trap.
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i think i would have gone loco if jo and aoki got to meet up just once after ichi breaks through to him like. the damage to my psyche id have wouldve been immeasurable, irreparable even
#snap chats#im at the vet waiting for my dog please listen to shit thats been tormenting me for months#finally releasing all of my drafted thoughts im ill and im free#srry i know i talked bout it already in todays ask but im still thinking about it#this is also inspod by one of my twitter mutuals saying aoki’s death was the only foreseeable path for him like girl i thought we were fam#but no 😭 ill stand by forever that him dying was legit so dumb and unnecessary idc idc 😭#anyway. let me begin. because its not as if aoki wasnt conscious of jo constantly tailing him#take a shot every time i quote the Lost Dog comment its just such a good line and just exposes jo its my everything ok leave me alone#but please just like. in the weird timeline where jo and aoki did get to be cellmates- or at least were in the same cell block right#id throw up and cry if aoki looked at jo differently that day. like it doesnt help that jo’s without all his flash and flair#hes just in slacks and his hairs all tussled and he just looks So Normal. like hes Not a murderer#as soon as that warden bring aoki in i know jo movin to see him with all the love and concern only a father got#aokid never say sorry i just know hed be awkward as hell in jo’s presence now#like if aoki really did take ichis words to heart and starts to actually see jo as his family and as someone who cares about him for him#id kill myself on the spot thats why they had to kill aoki#no id die and throw up if aoki just outright asks jo if he does care about him or something like that#jo gonna need to muster up every ounce of his will to say he does not because he doesnt but because hes Just Like That. hes a hard nut#but he loves his kid more than anything and im gonna tear my organs out thinking about it#jo your kid sucks but ik you still love him thats the worst part#i wanna write or draw somethin with them in jail together so bad but i always get distracted#and again i have comms to do today.#OH BUT SPEAKING OF MY DUMB ASS DOG GOT LYME DISEASE 😭😭😭#they said he should be fine in like six months if we’re good with meds but still.... this is lame.....#ALSO I FOUND OUT MY POM MIX IS PREDOMINANTLY A PAPILLON..... thats fucked up yo butterfly dog...#ok im gonna go be insane idk how much else i could elaborate on this bye bye
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i cant tell if its the autism tm that skews my perception or if ive just really been through enough shit these past few years that my emotional maturity is now explicitly above average
#personal#seeing people who clearly want and need help be all cryptic about how they feel and making it like pulling teeth to communicate with them#makes me wanna tear my hair out#I Am Here For You !!!!! just Talk to me !!!!!!!! god#trying to leave every figurative ball in their court but they just dismiss it and then act like im the one who didnt try#its so reminiscent of my last job where i always had to be the one bending myself over backwards to accommodate the other party#im getting anxious just thinking about it knowing where that led me after months and months of caving in to the other's needs#without any regards for my own#really trying to will myself not to go down that path but its hard when i care#and i Know if i did reach out and compromise myself to be accommodating it would Work#but goddammit i cant always be the bigger person !!! please !!! cut me some slack sometimes !!!! meet me halfway !!!! im trying dammit
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