#he's just a little boy asking 'why' to prolong his bedtime a few moments more
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we as a collective do Not talk about this line delivery nearly enough and for good fucking reason, i'll kill bradley james for this one line alone. he's just a little boy :'((
#sami rambles#like. he's still the same little kid who didn't really know what it was to be looked after/cared for/doted on#at the heart of him he's still just that lonely young boy who always had to earn people's attention#or just take whatever he got for the simple fact of being the king's son :/#even after so long he's still not used to merlin's love. and now. now he can't see what he's ever done to deserve it#seeing everything all at once and he just. he needs answers before he goes.#he's just a little boy asking 'why' to prolong his bedtime a few moments more#oh fuck. just caused irreparable damage to myself with that last one ahaha#merlin#bbc merlin#arthur pendragon#merthur#bradley james
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Tuesday Evening
A typical Tuesday evening at the Haddock house. Like Heaven AU. Family fluff with lots of Daddycup! Kids’ ages: Finn, 7; Ingrid, 6; and Erika, 3. Hiccstrid are 34.
“Daddy!” Ingrid shouted as she ran off the bus, a drawing in her hand. “Daddy, look what I made! My teacher said we had to draw our favorite thing to do and I drew you and me making chocolate chip cookies.”
Hiccup smiled as he looked at his daughter’s drawing. At her top, it read: My favorite thing to do is cook with Daddy. “Aww, that’s great, sweetie! I love it.” He gave Ingrid a quick hug before turning to the blonde boy beside her, who was attempting to lift Erika, his youngest sister. “And what about you, Finn? What did you do in school today?”
“We learned about dragons! And Daddy, we have to pick a dragon to write three facts about and I’m picking the Night Fury!”
“That’s amazing!” exclaimed Hiccup, gently taking Erika from Finn and settling her on his hip. “Let’s get home and have a snack and then we can get started on that dragon project. Do you have any homework, Ingrid?”
“No. I mean, yes. I mean, I don’t know.”
Hiccup laughed. “I’ll check your folder when we get in. I made peanut butter and jelly cracker sandwiches for you kids. I can also wash off some grapes if you want.”
“I want grapes!” shouted Finn, running to the front door and yanking the doorknob.
“Hold up, bud. I need to unlock it.” Hiccup reached around his son and unlocked the door.
Throwing down their backpacks, Ingrid and Finn ran into the kitchen and grabbed cracker sandwiches from the counter. They then sat at the table and began eating while Hiccup washed the grapes.
“I want one!” Erika said, climbing into her booster seat.
“Just a second. Daddy needs to cut up your grapes for you. You can have a cracker, though.” Hiccup handed the toddler a cracker sandwich while he grabbed a few grapes and started slicing them into quarters.
“When will Mama be home?” asked Finn.
“It’s Tuesday, so Mama won’t be home until after dinner today. Remember, Mama goes to work later and comes home later on Tuesdays.”
“What are we having for dinner?”
“Meatloaf, salad, and mashed sweet potatoes.”
“Can I help make it?” said Ingrid.
“Yes, sweetie, you can help make it.” He put the grapes on a plate and set it down in front of Erika. “Here you go, munchkin.”
“Wait, Daddy, will Mama be home before bedtime?” Finn wondered.
“Yes. She’ll be home around seven-thirty. So before she gets home, we’ll clean up, get you all baths, and make sure your teeth are brushed. That way you can spend some time with her before bed.”
“I sleep with Finn.” Erika pointed at her brother. Ever since she was born, she and Finn had been best friends. For now, Finn and Ingrid shared a room with a bunk bed while Erika had her own space. When they got older, the plan was to room the girls together and let Finn have his own room, but for the time being, Erika loved either climbing into Finn’s bed or snuggling up between Hiccup and Astrid in the big bed. However, Astrid didn’t like having the kids in bed with them all the time, so more often than not Erika ended up with Finn.
“Maybe we should move Ingrid to her own room and put you and Finn together,” Hiccup said, kissing his youngest daughter’s head.
“I want my own room!” exclaimed Ingrid, her eyes lighting up with excitement.
“I’ll talk to Mama about it,” promised Hiccup.
After the kids finished eating, Erika ran to the playroom while Ingrid and Finn retrieved their backpacks.
“Alright, Ingrid, let’s see if you need to do homework today.” Hiccup grabbed her homework folder and opened it. “The only thing it says is that I need to read to you for fifteen minutes. We’ll read before bed, so you’re good to go for now.”
“Thank you, Daddy!” She hurried off to the playroom.
“Now for you, bud, let’s take a look at this dragon project.” Hiccup pulled out his phone. “I’m gonna let you go on my phone to use Google, but first, why don’t you write ‘Night Fury’ at the top of the page? You also need to write your name and today’s date.”
“Can I draw a Night Fury?”
“Yes, at the end you can draw a Night Fury. But first, we need to find our three facts.”
“I know one! Night Furies were the rarest breed of dragon.”
“That’s right, bud! Go ahead and put that down for number one.”
“How do you spell ‘rarest?’”
Hiccup spelled out the word. After helping Finn search for two more facts, he left him to draw while he checked on the girls in the playroom. “Alright, Ingrid. Do you want to help Daddy with dinner now?”
“Yeah.” Putting down the doll in her hand, Ingrid followed Hiccup to the kitchen and pulled a chair up to the counter. She then helped him mix the sauce for the meatloaf and toss the salad.
“Okay, now what you can do is put the salad in the fridge. I have to do the sweet potatoes because they need to be cut with a sharp knife and I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”
“Daddy, can I go outside?” asked Finn.
“No, you can’t go out without an adult,” Hiccup said. “When you turn eight you can go out by yourself.”
“But I’ll be eight at Christmas!”
“Christmas is a few months away, bud,” laughed Hiccup.
Finn looked out the window. “But wait, I see Uncle Snotlout outside with Freja.” Snotlout, Heather, and their little girl Freja lived a few doors down from the Haddocks. “Can I go?”
“Hold on. Let me text Uncle Snotlout and see if he’s okay to keep an eye on you out there.”
“Okay.”
After Hiccup got confirmation from Snotlout, he told Finn he could go outside. “But remember, bud, dinner will be ready in a little bit so don’t go too far. Stay out on the sidewalk or in the yard so I can call you when it’s time to come in.”
“I will!” shouted Finn, running to put on his shoes and a light jacket.
…
Dinner was ready within the hour. After eating, Finn and Ingrid helped clean up, then Hiccup announced that it was time for baths.
“I wanna go in the big tub!” Ingrid shouted, referring to the big jacuzzi tub in the master bath that Hiccup had surprised Astrid with when they’d first bought the house.
“Okay. You can go in there, and Finn, you can go use the main bathroom. Do you want me to run you a bath, or are you doing a shower tonight?”
“Shower,” Finn said.
“Alright, that makes it easy. You go shower, then. Just be sure to wash all the shampoo out of your hair. And Ingrid, I’ll get a bath ready for you and Erika in Mama’s tub.” Now that Finn was more or less old enough to take care of his own showers, bath time was a lot easier. The girls still needed help, so Hiccup or Astrid typically had them share a bath in one bathroom while Finn used another bathroom. The only thing was that Ingrid and Erika insisted on playing with bath toys when they were done, which prolonged the process, but otherwise, it was a lot shorter of a production than it had been when Finn and Ingrid were a couple years younger and Erika was a baby.
Twenty minutes later, Finn entered the master bathroom in pajamas. “Daddy, I’m done. Does my hair look good?”
Hiccup briefly ran his fingers through Finn’s hair. “It looks great! No shampoo left. Good job, bud!” He held out his hand for a high-five.
“Can I put on TV while we wait for Ingrid and Erika to be done?”
“Brush your teeth first, okay? And girls, you have ten more minutes to play in the tub before it’s time to get out and put on pajamas.”
Finn shuffled out of the room and went to brush his teeth. By the time the girls were finished in the bath, had their pajamas on, hair detangled and braided, and teeth brushed, Astrid was walking through the door.
“Mama!” yelled Finn, running to hug his mother.
“Hey!” Astrid smiled, lifting Finn into her arms and kissing his head. “You look like you just had a bath.”
“I had my bath and I brushed my teeth and I’m all ready for bed.”
“Sounds good. Where’s Daddy?”
“He was upstairs helping Ingrid and Erika finish their bath but I think I hear him now.”
A second later, Hiccup appeared with Erika in his arms and Ingrid trailing behind him. “Welcome home, milady,” he grinned, pressing a sloppy kiss against Astrid’s lips.
“Ewww!” Finn wrinkled his nose. “Kissing on the lips is…” Trailing off, his stuck out his tongue and shook his head.
Hiccup and Astrid both laughed before kissing again.
“I made up a dinner platter for you. It’s keeping warm in the oven,” said Hiccup.
Astrid put Finn back onto the ground. “Thanks, babe. Let me just get showered and changed and then I’ll eat.”
“Mama, we went in your tub!” Ingrid exclaimed.
“You did? That must’ve been fun,” Astrid said.
“And Daddy said we could spend time with you before bed,” Finn added.
“Yes, you can spend time with me. Just give me time to have my shower, then I’ll be right back down and we can watch some TV while I eat.”
“Daddy has to read to me tonight for school,” Ingrid announced.
“Here, how about we read now, and then by the time Mama’s done, we’ll be all ready for a TV show?”
“Okay.” Ingrid ran to get a book from her room, then quickly returned and jumped into Hiccup’s lap.
After reading, Hiccup cuddled with Ingrid and Erika while Finn played with Legos. Once Astrid was finished with her shower, she grabbed dinner from the oven and joined the rest of the family.
“You’re gonna have to pick up those Legos and put them back in the playroom before you go to bed,” she told her son. “We don’t need anyone stepping on them.”
“Okay.” Finn hurriedly put the Legos into their container, climbed onto the couch, and snuggled against Astrid’s side.
“You’re such a Mama’s boy,” smiled Astrid, hugging Finn with one arm while eating with the other.
“And this one is a Daddy’s girl,” Hiccup said, pointing to Ingrid. “Sweetie, do you wanna tell Mama what you made at school today?”
“At school, I drew a picture of me and Daddy making cookies.”
“And at the top of the page, her teacher helped her write: My favorite thing to do is cook with Daddy,” added Hiccup.
“Aww, how cute,” Astrid responded. After a moment, she added, “You’re an amazing dad. You know that, right?”
“Of course. Being a dad is my favorite job.” Grinning, Hiccup hugged Ingrid and Erika tighter. Once Astrid laid her plate aside, he reached over and took her hand. “So milady, how was your day at work today?”
“It was good. I had to teach two advanced cardio classes, though, so I’m exhausted.”
“Too exhausted to…” He winked, then continued with, “Once the kids are in bed?”
“I could go for one more good workout,” smirked Astrid, squeezing his hand.
#hiccstrid#like heaven au#modern au#family fluff#daddycup#modern au hiccstrid#married hiccstrid#fanfic#my writing
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Losing You
Rating: PG-13 - minor sex scene & male x male
Word Count: 4461
Original Character(s): Skye Oakly & Alrick Rosenfeld
ღ This is the first written commission I have ever gotten! Thank you to @the-sloth-woman for writing our boys together! The art for both characters was done by @minoux-draws
An AU piece where demons have taken over, however cannot breed normal. They must use the human’s to secure linage for the future. The Rosenfeld clan captures a human girl to marry off to the head of the family, young Alrick.
Reluctantly, the snake demon prepares for his wedding. There is just one last thing he must do. A young siren who had been his lover for quite some time. Will the two be able to maintain a connection after the big news?ღ
♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧ ♬° ✧❥✧¸.•*¨*✧♡✧
Alrick closed the door to the penthouse with a resolute click. Anger radiated off him in waves, and it took every inch of his self-control not to rip the door off its fucking hinges.
Why was she so goddamn frustrating!? Surely she could see that he didn’t want to be mated to her either. There were hundreds of demons who he would have been better suited with. Men and women who were thousands of times less infuriating as one stupid human girl. He would have done better to trade her off to the brothel owners. At least there she would find something to do with her stupid mouth.
He shook his head and took a deep breath through his nose. He couldn’t think about Lilly right now, not when he had so much on his plate. There was the ceremony to arrange on top of his normal workload. And that was an enormous task altogether. Was he supposed to just appear in traditional ceremonial dress with no forethought? Please. He didn’t have time to waste fighting with humans.
The first and most pressing matter was, unfortunately, going to be the most difficult. Alrick was an extremely popular demon lord, and living alone for so long had left him a string of paramours. There were many that he did not care about, women who were little more than one-night stands and whose memories were clouded through fogs of wine. There were demons with whom he had more established relationships with, but they would understand his predicament. They would understand how his honor demanded that he put aside his own needs for the future of his people. And even then it had been weeks since he had seen anyone who particularly struck his interest.
But there was one person who he was dreading bringing the news to. He had been seeing Skye on and off for months, and while they had an extraordinary physical relationship, they had managed to keep it hidden from most of the ruling class of demons. Their conversation would be messy, and full of feelings that Alrick didn’t know how to handle. The cowardly part of him wanted to prolong the conversation until after the ceremony. But Alrick wouldn’t let himself be a coward, no matter how difficult it would be.
He spent most of the day making arrangements for the ceremony. His family’s uchikake needed to be pressed and cleaned, the sake needed to be chosen, and he sent out invitations to most of the ruling class. He also ordered contraceptive tea for afterward, just in case the mating did not take hold. There was nothing worse than being forced to raise a cub with someone who was incompatible with you.
Truthfully, he was putting off calling Skye for as long as possible. The clock on his desk slowly ticked down toward the end of the day. He had one last night of freedom before being bound to a human, and he knew he had to make the most of it. He picked up the phone on his desk with a heavy heart and rang the Sakamaki family.
Skye’s familiar voice greeted him on the other end of the line. “Sakamaki residence, this is Skye speaking. My masters are out of the house for the evening, may I take a message?”
For once Alrick was thankful for the human invention of the telephone. It was much faster than sending a messenger, and the person on the other end didn’t have to see the look on his face. “It’s me,” he said, not bothering to introduce himself.
The tone of Skye’s voice changed immediately. “Alrick- I mean, Your Highness,” he gushed. “It’s so nice to hear from you. Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?”
Alrick tried not to wince at Skye’s familiar flirting. “I need to see you tonight. Can you meet me for dinner?”
“Tonight? Well, the Sakamakis are busy, I’m really not supposed to leave the manor unattended.”
“Shit,” Alrick ran his hand through his hair. “Then find an excuse to leave.” Skye’s warm laugh trilled through the end of the phone. “Really Alrick, has it been so long since you last saw me that you’re resorting to ordering me around? I’ll come much faster if you ask nicely,” he teased. “You should know that better than anyone.”
The double entendre of Skye’s words was not lost on Alrick, but his mood was too sour to appreciate them. “Please, Skye,” he rarely ever let himself plead with another person, but he was desperate. “This is urgent. I need you, and it can’t wait.”
“O-oh,” the tone of Alrick’s voice had thrown the flirty attitude form Skye’s voice. “Yeah, sure.”
“Great. Meet me at our usual spot in half an hour. And don’t be late.” Alrick couldn’t see it, but he knew the authority in his voice was enough to make Skye shiver. “Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
The nerves in Alrick’s stomach were only intensified by the fact that he arrived at the restaurant ten minutes early. He ordered a bottle of wine for the table and then waited for what felt like an eternity. He fidgeted in his suit, his eyes darting towards the door every few seconds. He had no idea what he was going to say to Skye. To tell him what was going on between him and Lilly was going to be excruciating. He remembered once when they had first started sleeping together when a waitress made the mistake of flirting with Alrick. Skye kissed him so possessively afterward that Alrick thought his lips were going to fall off.
The door to the restaurant jingled at Skye’s arrival. The scales that curved around his eyes sparkled in the setting sun and Alrick felt a pang of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He was dressed in a crisp skirt that fell just above his knees and a sweater that accentuated the curve of his waist. His hair was tied into a loose bun at the top of his head, the rest of his long tresses trailing down his back. Alrick couldn’t tell if it was one of Skye’s many wigs or his real hair, but he looked pretty nonetheless.
“Alrick,” Skye greeted him with a warm smile. “Or is this official business? Should I call you ‘Prince Rosenfeld’ instead?”
Alrick grimaced at the title and loosened his tie. “You don’t have to do that when it’s just us.”
“That’s not what you said the other night,” Skye purred, throwing his arms around Alrick in a soft hug. “I seem to recall you not letting me finish if I didn’t beg for ‘Prince Rosenfeld’ to give me permission-”
“Shhh, shh!” Alrick pressed his thumb to Skye’s lips to silence him. “Do you really want to spill all our bedroom secrets in the middle of the restaurant?”
“Well, not all of them,” Skye’s eyes flashed invitingly and took his seat across the table. “Just the ones that really embarrass you.”
Alrick chuckled, some of the weight on his chest lifting. “I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too. You look tired,” Skye eyed the cut of Alrick’s suit. “Did you come directly from work?”
“What gave it away?” Alrick poured himself a large glass of wine. “I didn’t have time to go home and change before meeting you, I hope you don’t mind.” That was a half-lie. The real reason he didn’t want to go home was that the human girl would be waiting for him, and seeing her would just make everything much worse.
“Alrick, when have I ever minded you in a suit? You know they’re one of my favorite things to take off you.”
“I suppose you’re right about that,” he ran his hand in his hair. “And am I right to assume that’s exactly what you’re thinking about doing right now?”
“Alrick! How could you accuse me of such lewd and lascivious behavior?”
“Because I’ve been sleeping with you long enough to know how your mind works.” Skye let out a burst of giggles and covered his mouth. “You caught me, I’ve been thinking about ripping it off of you since I walked in.”
A wide grin spread across Alrick’s face. Before he could stop himself he said, “Maybe I’ll have to let you rip it off with your teeth.”
The gravity of what he just said hit him a few moments later. There would be no more bedtime trysts with Skye. After tomorrow he would have a mate, and whether he liked it or not he would be bound to her for all of eternity. He swallowed thickly, the weight of his honor feeling like a large burden. Alrick was the demon prince, and he had a duty to his people before himself. Skye immediately noticed the change in Alrick’s demeanor. “What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”
“No, no,” Alrick waved his wine glass, taking a long sip. “You haven’t done anything, I promise you. Actually, you’re doing too little. Talk to me, tell me about your day.”
“Alright...” Skye trailed off, unsure. “It wasn’t very eventful. I did all the things the Sakamaki’s asked me to. Make tea, get the mail, answer the phones. Laito had me arrange a visit to the brothel for tomorrow morning, which should be super fun to clean up after.”
“Of course he did.” Skye looked around to see if anyone was listening in and then leaned across the table with a wicked expression on his face. “You didn’t hear it from me, but I heard that the last time he went there one of the girls was so scared off by whatever he did that she ran out into the street and almost got hit by a car.”
“Ugh,” Alrick wrinkled his nose. “What could he even think up that would scare someone that badly?”
“I have no idea but I wish I did. Whatever it was, I don’t think it would have scared me if it was with you.”
Fuck. There it was again, the unspoken weight that dangled over Alrick’s head like a sword. He swallowed the last of his wine and hung his head. There was no use in prolonging it, he had to come clean to Skye. “Listen, there’s something I need to-”
“I know.”
“E-eh?” Alrick blinked, flabbergasted. “You know...?”
“I know you’re upset.” Skye’s voice softened. “You’ve been getting this terrible look on your face all night.”
“Ugh... I didn’t realize I was being that obvious.” He slumped in his seat. “Hey, hey...” Skye walked over to Alrick and slid his hand along his cheek. “Do you want to get out of here?”
The touch of his hand was enough to make Alrick melt. “Leave...?”
“Of course,” Skye’s thumb trailed down the side of Alrick's jaw. “We could get a hotel room, just the two of us. I think I know something that will really make you feel better.” His voice was dark with promise.
Alrick sighed before responding. The temptation to disappear with him was strong. It would be so easy for Alrick to lose himself in Skye, to forget all his worries if only for a little while.
The feelings that Alrick had been fighting all night suddenly swallowed him whole. “Yeah,” he said, sinking into the comfort of Skye’s touch. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
The hotel rose high above the expanse of the city, almost as high up as Alrick’s penthouse. It was lavishly decorated with the finest amenities, including a huge bar on the first floor. The room itself had a wide window that overlooked the other buildings of the district: glittering patches of light that faded away to the curling fog of the mountainside in the distance.
It was a shame that neither of them noticed any of that. Alrick’s lips were locked onto Skye’s the minute they got into the car. They crashed into the hotel room, their hands fumbling against clothing and furniture. Alrick barely had time to catch his breath before Skye descended upon him, pushing him up against the wall and kissing his way down his body. The feel of his lips was enough to make Alrick’s eyes roll back in his head with pleasure, but he wasn’t content to lose himself in his mouth alone. Alrick wanted more, he needed more. If this was going to be their last night together he had to make it count.
He resolutely moved Skye to the bed, lowering him onto his back like he had so many times. Alrick briefly remembered the first time they had snuck away to fuck. Skye had caught his eye from across the room, flashing Alrick a sensual smile. They had barely managed to find an empty room before Skye was lowering himself onto his knees, taking him into his mouth like a holy sacrament. It was hot and unbelievably addictive. They both knew without saying that one time wouldn’t be enough.
The memory caused a twinge of pain to stir in Alrick’s chest and he buried himself in Skye to block out the pain. He fought it off bravely, taking solace in the other demon’s hands and thighs. He found peace in the taste of Skye’s lips, bringing him closer and closer to his mouth. Underneath him, Skye met each and every one of his thrusts with ease. They had been together so many times that it was almost second nature, but that didn’t mean that Alrick wasn’t spellbound by the sound of Skye’s voice in pleasure. Just the sound of his name as he arched underneath him was enough to send Alrick over and over the edge.
Later, when they were both spent and clinging to one another for warmth, the guilt returned to Alrick. He had spent so much time with Skye today and he still hadn’t broken the news about the mating ceremony. Perhaps it would be worse now that they had spent the evening making love.
“You know,” Skye lazily rolled onto Alrick’s chest, his wig slightly askew. “I’m going to be so upset if I can’t sit properly tomorrow because of you. I might have to call you back and return the favor.”
Alrick stared at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. “You always promise that but you’ve yet been able to make me that sore.”
“That sounds like a challenge- wait, you don’t look happy about that.” Akye propped himself up onto his elbow. “Pet name,” he used his ironic term of affection, “what’s wrong?”
It was time. Alrick sat up slowly, extracting his limbs from their tangled mess. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and avoided Skye’s confused gaze.
Skye reached for Alrick’s shoulder and attempted to rub away his troubles. “Alrick, please... tell me what’s going on.”
Alrick stared at the floor and took a moment before speaking. “Do you remember a few days ago when they found that human girl? The one they found at the edge of the mountainside?”
“Of course I do,” Skye sat beside Alrick and carefully removed his wig. “It was all anyone could talk about. I just assumed she was going to be given to the demon lord who had found her.”
Alrick’s hands were clenched into fists on his knees. “You’re not wrong.” Skye threaded his hand through Alrick’s hair. “I don’t see why that would make you this upset. Unless you wanted her for your own,” he chuckled hollowly. “Don’t tell me that you’re planning to leave me for a silly little human.”
The silence that hung in the air was suffocating. Skye tried again, his voice tinged with panic. “You’re not really planning on abandoning me for a human. Right, Alrick?”
“She...” Alrick’s shoulders sagged slightly. “She was found by my men. That means she belongs to me.”
Skye’s hand froze in Alrick’s hair. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. She’s- we’re... I’m...” Alrick turned away, his heart feeling icy. “She’s going to be my future mate.”
It was Skye’s turn to be silent. “Oh... Right, of course.” The resignation in his tone broke Alrick’s heart. Skye pulled away and wrapped his arms around his legs under the blanket. “Of course she is,” he continued. “You’re a prince, it’s only natural that one day you would... That we would have to end.”
“I’m sorry... I never thought that this would happen-”
“Don’t.” Skye cut him off. “Don’t say you didn’t know this was going to happen. You’ve always known what your role in the world is. You’re Alrick fucking Rosenfeld-” tears sprang at
the corners of his eyes but he ignored them. “Don’t you even try to say that you weren’t going to leave me for a woman one day.”
Alrick reeled from Skye’s anger. “Parakeet, this isn’t my fault. I wasn’t saying that this wasn’t inevitable, I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.”
Skye barely heard him. “Who cares about that? Now, later, it doesn’t matter. I guess it’s better this way, so I don’t get too attached.”
“Parakeet-”
“Don’t!” Skye turned on Alrick, his golden eyes blazing. “How can you still call me that when you'll be sharing a bed with her?!”
“Skye, this isn’t my choice!”
“It’s not mine either!” Skye stared down at his body, hating every inch of himself. “It’s not fair, it’s not fucking fair...” He wiped his eyes with a shaking hand and pulled the covers up over his chest.
“I know it’s not fair...” Alrick reached and took his hand, tugging the blanket free from his fingers. “Skye, I promise you that I didn’t plan for any of this to happen.”
Skye’s tears fell harder at the sincerity in Alrick’s voice. He shook his head and his tears dripped onto his scales, making them shine. “It doesn’t matter if you planned it or not, that doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening anyway!”
“I know!” The words ripped themselves from Alrick’s mouth. “Do you think I want this? That I want to be trapped with someone I’ve only known for two days? To be mated to a human-” he choked on the word. He felt like he was repeating the argument he had with Lilly in some sick circle that never ended. “Nothing about this is my choice, Skye.”
“Then don’t go through with it.” Skye threw himself out of bed and knelt before Alrick, pleading. “Turn her away, give her to someone else. You’re the prince Alrick, you can be with anyone you want.” His words came in a frantic rush as he beseeches Alrick. “You don’t have to live a life that’s not yours. Say there’s something wrong with her, say she’s defective. And then we can stay together!”
“You know I have to-“
“Why?! Why is this so important to you, more important than me?”
“Because you know we’re dying out.” Alrick felt detached from the situation like he was viewing all from a very long way away. “Because ever since we nearly wiped out the humans we’ve been unable to have any children of our own. I have to do this so our kind can have any sort of future, even if it’s one with mixed blood.”
Skye sagged, defeated. “It’s not fair... I hate the humans for what they’ve done to us.” Alrick slid his hand along Skye’s jaw, tilting his face to meet his. “As do I, Parakeet. They’ve ruled over us for thousands of years, it’s not right that they kill us off like this. That’s why we have to keep fighting back. And why I as the prince have to fight back hardest of all.”
Skye’s tears finally seemed to come to a close. “You’re right,” he murmured. “For the good of the people, right...?”
“For the good of the people,” Alrick repeated bitterly.
“Well...” Skye folded himself beside Alrick’s legs and leaned his head on his knee. “We still have until the ceremony. I can try to be by your side as much as possible before then. I’ll convince one of the Sakamakis to send me on errands for you. And maybe it won’t be so hard by the time the ceremony comes...” He reached for Alrick’s hand, placing it atop his own head. “How long do we have before she becomes your mate?”
Shit. Alrick was a fool. How could he have thought that prolonging telling would have made this easier? He felt sick. Sick of himself, sick of his circumstances, and sick of the human girl who he just so happened to catch. “It’s tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?!” Skye’s head snapped back like he had been slapped. “Why did you wait until now to tell me?”
All their promised time together came crashing down around them. After the mating ceremony, there would be no more sneaking around. Not because Alrick respected his human mate, but because he would be bound to her. Demon mating ceremonies were so much more than simple human weddings. If everything went as planned, he would want no other after her. They would be bonded for life.
There was nothing more to say now. He could tell from the heartbroken look on Skye’s face that he made his mistake even bigger. Alrick stared past him and spoke to the opposite wall. “She was found only a few days ago, there wasn’t much time for me to-”
“No, no! You could have told me when they found her! You could have told me when the damn council made their decision. You had days, Alrick. Days!”
“I know!” He gave Skye a glare that stopped him from speaking. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to fucking hurt you.”
“C-can’t you see that this hurts me more?” Skye’s voice broke. “How can I go on knowing that this will always be our last night together? That you and I got into a fight because you were being stupid, uncaring, selfish-”
“I’m not being selfish!”
“Yes, you are! Can’t you think about how this is affecting anyone but yourself?” “Parakeet!” Alrick cupped Skye’s cheeks and held him when he tried to jerk away. “You are the only other person who I care about right now. Not the council and definitely not her.” Alrick’s voice softened. “There is nothing in this world I would ever want to do to hurt you. Can’t you see how much I don’t want to do this? That it hurts me to hurt you like this...?”
An explosive sob wrenched itself from within Skye’s chest. He collapsed forward into Alrick, crying freely into his arms. “I’m sorry,” Alrick whispered, tucking his head under his chin. “I’m so sorry, Skye...”
They sat like that until Skye’s sobs became muffled sniffles. Alrick threw a glance out the window and saw the sky had lightened considerably. “Shit...”
Skye followed his gaze. “You have to go, don’t you...?”
“I do.” Alrick sighed and felt a thousand years older. “The ceremony is in a few hours. I need to get some sleep.”
Skye did not need Alrick to tell him what the ceremony entailed. He had seen a few himself, and he could not bear to watch Alrick fuck another woman- let alone see it on public display. “I won’t be there.”
Alrick chuckled quietly and extracted himself from Skye’s grasp. “I wouldn’t want you to be. I don’t even want to be there myself-” he began finding his discarded clothes strewn about the room- “and I don’t have the luxury to blow it off.”
Skye nodded and watched Alrick redress. Within minutes he was the same man who met him in the restaurant. Poised, calm, and unbearably handsome. Alrick ran a hand through his hair to smooth it back in place., completing the look. “I’m going to miss you...”
“I”m going to miss you too, Parakeet... Swear that you’ll never forget me?”
“How could I? I think you’ve ruined me for other men,” Skye laughed without humor.
“Don’t say that,” Alrick stroked Skye’s cheek with the back of his hand. “Don’t let my departure ruin any of your future happiness. Promise me that.”
“I’ll try...”
“Thank you...” Alrick reluctantly let his hand drop. He moved to the door, his shoulders already stiff with apprehension. “I’ll see you when it’s over, Parakeet.”
Skye did his best to smile. “You too, Pet Name...” Alrick gave Skye one last look, memorizing the way he looked under their messy bed sheets. Inside his chest he could feel his heart breaking. Alrick had been in pain many times before, but nothing so far had been as bad as this.
He took a deep breath and buried his feelings as far down as they would go. He stepped through the door and into his new life.
Skye did not sleep. He sat in the puddle of blankets Alrick left behind and felt utterly miserable. He wanted to cry but he had no more tears left. He wanted to scream, but his throat was raw from all the sobbing. He wanted to break every single thing in the damn room but he had no energy. All he could do was sit and feel horrible.
There was nothing left for him to do anyway. Even without the human interfering, he and Alrick were never meant to be. He had just entertained the thought for far too long...
He pressed a pillow to his face and fought off another round of sobs. Every fantasy he ever had with Alrick had been ripped to pieces within a few hours. He had so many dreams for the two of them, so many things that would have made him happy. And now there was nothing.
Unless... If the human woman couldn’t produce children with Alrick she would be taken away, thrown in the brothel where she belonged. If they were a bad match she would be given to another demon, that was a possibility. Or perhaps an accident would befall her, something terrible like falling off a building. Maybe she would even do herself in. Skye heard she put up quite a fight when she was caught, and there was a rumor that her mother was one of the resistance leaders. And if all else failed, he would just have to wait. Human lives were so short compared to a demon’s. There was no law that said Alrick couldn’t take a new mate if his first one died. Skye settled into the bed, finally feeling some sort of peace. He could be patient, he could wait. And if he couldn’t there were then enough ways for him to rectify the situation. The human may have been Alrick’s mate after tomorrow, but she wouldn’t stay his mate for long.
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Child Of Mine part 1
Fandom: Queen/ Bohemian Rhapsody
Specified gender: Female
Pairing: Ben Hardy! Roger Taylor X reader ( can be read as actual Roger Taylor)
TW: break-up??? language, my shitty writing of children interaction
Genre: Fluff
Word Count: 2140
Requests: OPEN
A/n: So, i’ve never written a roger taylor x reader so excuse my shittty writing ( this is also UNEDITED becayuse it’s like 1:30 AM)
Roger sighed, bouncing his knee anxiously as he watched you talking to your mother. When you'd suggested that he meet your daughter Olivia, he was anxious but agreed. He loved the idea of helping taking care of a child, but he was terrified that your daughter would hate him. Or that the media would get involved and fuck it all up. You'd told Rog about your little girl about a month ago, which had raised a few questions that you happily answered. Explaining that you found out you were pregnant after breaking up with your ex was easier than you anticipated. Explaining that Olivia's biological father wanted nothing to do with her was a lot harder, however, as it brought a lot of negative emotions to Roger's heart, the dominating one being anger. Roger wanted to be there for you and for your kid, but he was so terrified that he'd mess up, especially considering that you were both still young.
His thoughts were cut short as you knocked on Roger's window, holding a little girl in your arm, signalling for him to get out the car. Your mother was watching from the door frame and he waved lightly before getting out. There was a bag on the floor, stickers with pink flowers decorating it. Then Roger fully took in your daughter's feature and couldn't help the grin that slid on his face. She had dark brown hair pulled into plaited pigtails, freckles decorated rosy cheeks and a button nose. There was a soft gap-toothed smile on her lips, causing her green eyes to crinkle. She was wearing a baby blue dress and a light pink jacket, adorning a blue ribbon around each pigtail and pink shoes.
"Liv, sweetie, this is Roger. Rog, this is my daughter Olivia." You smiled, carefully placing your daughter down on the pavement. Rog knelt down to her height and grinned.
"When your mommy said I was meeting her little girl, I didn't expect to be meeting a princess, and it is an honour to meet you Princess Olivia" Roger stated in a shocked tone and Olivia giggled quietly.
"Then that makes my mommy a queen!" She replied excitedly, smiling widely. You laughed quietly.
"No, sweetheart. That makes me the queen. Like the band that I'm in." He responded and you rolled your eyes with a grin, ready for your daughter to start squealing. Your mom had introduced Olivia to Queen when she was one and now, five years later, she was obsessed. That was the reason you didn't tell her that your boyfriend was in Queen, hoping she wouldn't notice. But Roger had different plans.
"You're in Queen?! Oh goodness, you're Roger Tyler!" She gawked, beginning to jump around and Rog laughed heartily.
"It's Taylor, my darling, but yes, I am," he answered, still chuckling lightly.
"Hun, maybe we should head home, it's past your bedtime and the drive from Nana's takes a while." You jumped in, knowing Olivia would happily stand there forever, gushing about Queen
"Okay mama, but can I talk to Rog on the way home?" She asked, shooting you those big green eyes. You sighed dramatically before scooping her up, causing her to scream in between giggles, those giggles quickly shifting to strong laughter as you began to tickle her. Roger suddenly pulled her from your arms, shifting so that his back was mostly to you, his face angled in your direction.
"How dare you kidnap a princess? Don't worry my lady, the queen has saved you from this evil being." Roger exclaimed and Olivia continued to giggle as she caught her breath. Rog smiled at her before opening the back door to your car and carefully putting her in the child seat.
"You can ask me all the questions you want if you promise you'll go to sleep when you get home," Roger stated and Olivia held her pinky out. He laughed slightly and linked his pinky with hers
"Promise." She replied and Rog nodded before backing up and closing her door. You'd already placed her bag in the back of the car and were waiting for him by the passenger side of your car.
"I didn't know you were so good with kids Rog." You smiled lovingly, taking his hand in yours.
"I didn't either. She's adorable." Roger replied, genuinely shocked that the encounter wasn't a shit show.
" Oh, I know. But she's also a pain sometimes." You laughed and Roger beamed before kissing your cheek.
"C'mon, let's get going." He returned before getting in the car. You followed and got into the driver's side, waving to your mom before pulling away. Olivia's questions were insistent for more than half of the hour and a half drive, but Roger was more than happy to answer until she eventually fell asleep. Roger was soon to pursue afterwards, his face pressed against the window. When you arrived at your home, Roger jolted awake and rushed out the car, quickly opening your daughter's car door and gently pulling her out. He held her against his chest and walked to your front door, patiently waiting for you to unlock the door. You pulled Olivia's bag out of the car and locked it before jogging to the door and unlocking it, holding the door open for your boyfriend and daughter. Roger tiptoed through the house, up the stairs and to your daughter's room and carefully took her shoes off before delicately placing her in her bed, tugging the blankets over her body. You watched from the doorway, grinning softly at Roger's gentle nature. Roger turned around and smiled sheepishly and you shook your head playfully before dragging him to the living room. He sat down and yanked you into his lap.
"You're so good with her." You mumbled, meddling with his hair.
"She's such a nice kid. I love her." He confessed, pressing a kiss to your forehead.
"You're just saying that because she stroked your ego with all the band questions." You teased and he let out a hushed laugh. After a moment, you fell into a comfortable silence, your head rested in Roger's neck.
"Maybe I should go. It's late and taxis will stop running after a while." Roger said quietly and you looked up at him.
"You could stay. I think Olivia would love it and I know I'd be happy." You suggested, yawning silently.
"I don't know.. I don't want to cause trouble." He answered.
"Since when do you not want to cause trouble?" You teased and he giggled.
"Fine. Let's go to bed." He stated before pulling you up into his arms and began heading for your bedroom.
It'd been two years. Two amazing years in which Roger moved in and basically became your daughter's dad. He was there for her every second and they were so believably close. And after two years, Roger decided it was a good idea for Olivia to meet his fellow bandmates. Olivia had been begging you two for the last two and a half years non-stop and you honestly couldn't wait for the consistent question to stop. Roger knew that the boys would be confused, given that he hadn't told them about his new daughter but he hoped it would go well.
Roger had a hand on Olivia's shoulder and an arm around your waist as he directed his family through to the back of the diner where his three friends sat, all their backs to you, leaving the rest of the booth for you three.
"Hey, guys." You called when you reached the table, adjusting the skirt of your dress.
"(Y/N), my darling! It's so good to see you, it's been far too long, my dear." Freddie instantly responded, standing up and pulling you into a tight embrace.
"Hey (Y/N), how are you doing?" Brian asked kindly.
"I'm good, and you?" You answered. Olivia was shifting beside you and when you glanced at her, her eyes were wide and there was a grin on her face.
"Oh, I'm not too bad, thank you." Brian smiled and John's voice raised in volume from his previously quiet conversation with Roger.
"And who might this be?" His voice was sweet as he addressed your daughter.
"I-I'm Olivia," Olivia muttered shyly, hiding behind Roger's legs. Freddie crouched down and lifted his sunglasses, a smile on his lips.
"Hello, my dear, My name's Freddie." He introduced, his voice kind but shock laced it and Roger took your hand, a little too quick to be subtle, a nervous trait of his.
"I- I know. I really like your band." She gushed quietly, her cheeks burning.
"Is that so? Well, lovely, why don't you meet the other Queen's of the band?" He suggested, gently taking Olivia's hand and slowly leading her to Brian and John.
"Hi Olivia, I'm Brian," Brian said, a little awkward as he shifted in his chair. " I must say, I love your dress." He added, clearly trying his best.
"Thank you. I like your hair." Olivia replied and the group laughed.
"I'm John. How old are you, hun?" John asked softly, beaming at your girl.
"I'm eight. Roger gave me this for my birthday!" she answered, proudly showing off her necklace with a musical note entwined with an O linked to the chain.
"Oh really?" Freddie asked, looking up at Roger with a raised eyebrow.
"Ha. Maybe we should order food. C'mon Olivia, let's sit down." Roger stated, gently pushing Olivia towards the booth.
As soon as the food was ordered, the table fell into conversation, and Olivia blended in nicely, asking the boys quite a few questions, much to their surprise. However, you got caught in deep conversation with Freddie and failed to notice your daughter's prolonged silence.
"Roger," Olivia whispered into Rogers' ear.
"What is it, hun?" Roger whispered back.
" I need to go to the bathroom, but I don't know where to go." She replied, slightly embarrassed.
"Want me to get your mom?" He enquired and Olivia nodded. Roger took this as his note to nudge your arm.
"What's wrong Rog?" You asked, turning to face him and Freddie turned into a conversation with Brian and John.
"Liv needs the bathroom, wants you to take her." He answered and you nodded before standing up and placing your hand on Liv's shoulder.
"C'mon dolly." You said with a smile and she got up and followed you to the bathroom. Rogers' eyes followed you, making sure you went the right way.
"So, Roger Taylor has a daughter," Freddie stated, a teasing grin on his face, causing Roger to turn his head back to his bandmates.
"What about it?" Roger asked, worried the boys were about to start mocking him.
"You said you hated children," John said, a smirk on his lips.
"So did you before you had a kid." Roger shot back.
"You've been hiding a kid for eight years, Roger? Why?" Brian interrupted.
"She's not mine, biologically. Olivia is (Y/N)'s girl. Biologically, Olivia is has a piece of shit father who wanted nothing to do with her." Roger explained, feeling his blood boil at the thought of anyone not wanting his girl in their life.
"But clearly you think of her as yours?" Freddie asked, and Roger paused. He'd never thought about how he felt about Olivia before. The terms " my girl" and "my Olivia" seemed implanted into his brain, he didn't even remember a time when he didn't call Olivia a name that implied she wasn't his.
"Yes. She means the world to me. I'd die for her." Roger confessed, glancing down, slightly embarrassed that this soppy shit was falling from his mouth to his friends.
"Well, I'm glad you've finally found your grounding, darling. (Y/N) is one hell of a girl and Olivia is the sweetest child I've met in a long time." Freddie replied and Roger's head shot up. Freddie would normally tease him for saying something like that. Roger couldn't help the smile that took over his lips. All of a sudden, you and Olivia popped back into view before you both slid back into the booth, either side of Roger.
"So Olivia, what's your favourite thing in the band?" Freddie asked.
"I like your singing Freddie but I think the actual music behind you is amazing too," Olivia answered confidently, the shy girl from earlier dissipating.
"And what's your favourite instrument?" John questioned, taking interest in her opinion.
"It's got to be the piano." Freddie butted in
"No, it's definitely the guitar." Brian retorted.
"I love the drums! Dad plays them the best too!" Olivia said happily. Yours and Rogers eyes widened. She'd never called Roger that before. Roger nearly started crying there and then. Olivia looked up at Roger, beaming brightly. Roger pulled her into a tight hug.
"That's my girl." He murmured into her shoulder.
It was perfect.
But nothing could stay perfect forever
Tags: @yourealegendfred @overcastskeleton7
#roger taylor#brian may#john deacon#freddie mercury#queen#ben hardy#rami malek#gwilym lee#joe mazzello#bohemian rhapsody#roger taylor x reader#brian may x reader#john deacon x reader#freddie mercury x reader#ben hardy x reader#rami malek x reader#gwilym lee x reader#joe mazello x reader#phoebe writes
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I used to have a blog as a kid.
Not like tumblr blogging, I had a wordpress and avidly began posting to it in the late 2000's, early 2010's, writing what fit blog formats at the time and imitating my favorite blogs' writing styles as I developed my own. Eventually I started to add my own stories in addition to the posts about last week's field trip, how I felt about my parents divorcing, strange feelings over this and that. Personal posts, pointless posts, passionate posts.
Soon I started to post the more...romantic stories I'd written. The worst thing to happen in these fanfiction-styled writings of a 12 year old was the trope of only one bed. However, I didn't have sexual impulses, didn't understand sex as a concept, and the first time I'd try touching myself wouldn't be until after my eighteenth birthday. Sexual thoughts just weren't something that ever came with my first jaunt through puberty, and so when I began writing and posting romantic fiction it was with an honestly asexual approach. My own identity was unfolding, but with sexuality being taboo I was afraid to identify as anything but cishet. So I wrote what I longed for. Romance with clothes, nothing beyond a passionate few kisses. It may also be worth mentioning I had no sex ed in my education, and by the time I was 14 I still hadn't seen a penis outside of artwork or knew what the word orgasm meant. Actually, I thought the word orgasm was a curse word at first, but a terminally online teenager did eventually figure the whole sex thing out. One of the Green Brothers on YouTube taught me what sperm was, pop-up ads showed me what dicks looked like, and fanfiction taught me a million incredibly intimate, tender words to describe lovemaking.
I felt freedom and joy and burned with anticipation when a good idea had to stick around my mind until my fingers found the keyboard, rhythmically tapping experiences into existence. There was also the giddy anticipation of my mother's approval- she followed my blog and read every single post, commented, left thumbs-ups that became hearts as the platform aged. I was a child, I wanted to be a writer like my mom. I accompanied her to board meetings, conventions, special conferences she often spoke at as the president of the area's writers group. Published, looked up to, admired. My mother's approval was everything.
One day I wrote a short story I had become particularly fond of, yet for the first time found myself apprehensive to post. Nervous, bordering on scared. The characters I'd written about this time were both male, and a hug from behind is followed up by a passing tummy touch and barely wet kiss on the neck. Knowing gay characters were bad I omitted pronouns and used a masculine and androgynous name instead, so that I wouldn't get in trouble for writing about two boys kissing; something I'd started to get curious about, discovering for the first time I could feel attraction of the nature I'd been trying to write about. (Of course we now know this as foreshadowing my prolonged and delayed coming out.)
The thing is, a 10-14 year old kid who learns about sex exclusively through the lens of the internet and smut fanfiction, does not truly understand what sex is or what leads up to it. Let alone why anyone would want it in reality, as at the time I truly couldn't understand why other kids my age were sneaking out to go at it. Sure I was from the sticks, but why was that girl I knew pregnant at 15? In my mind, my upbringing, I felt only pity for the girl who didn't keep it, thinking she was going to die forever.
Back to the story. I post it, finally, and as anxious kids tend to do I found something to distract myself and promptly forgot all about the story I'd posted.
"We need to have a talk."
Those were the first words out of her mouth when I came out of my room that evening, unshowered and unslept, bright as ever and full of mischief as kids often are. The cold wrapped around my bones then, head dropping so that she knew I was submissive. You should always be submissive to mother, for your own good. Talking back to her makes it worse, even if you don't understand why, it just does. Defending yourself doesn't work. You're never right, even when it feels wrong. Your mother is always right. She knows what's best for you. Always. She birthed you. She knows you better than you know you.
"What about?"
"What you posted."
She proceeded to explain that what I'd written, a hug from behind, neck kiss, and belly touch before the characters said goodbye, was what led up to sex. And writing about these things was inherently wrong, and not only was I in trouble for writing what I did, I was also in trouble for being so clearly sexually starved and desperate for sexual attention online. By posting what I did, I was letting everyone know I was ready for cybersex at the very least.
"When you write characters like this," Mother slung both arms around herself, eyes growing at least thrice their original size. "Wrapped up, making out, inappropriate touching- it leads to sex! Don't you get it? Don't you understand? You just want sex. Everyone is going to see what you've posted online and they're going to hurt you. They're going to see a little girl writing about kissing and try to rape her."
These were not, could not, be her exact words in the exact order at the exact moments they were told. But they are her words, stretched over time, over lecture after lecture, all a bit the same and all just as shattering.
"But I didn't know. There wasn't going to be more, there never is, they just want to hug and hold hands and kiss sometimes-"
"You do know. You know exactly what you're doing. You always know what you're doing. You're sneaky. You lie. I don't trust you or believe you. Think about what you've done. You don't have to stop writing what you are if you don't want to, but you can't ever show it to anyone else. I hope you make the right choice."
I haven't had confidence in myself since I had memory. "But I gave you everything." You gave me nightmares and made me believe I was going to die forever because of a hug from behind, and you didn't even know they were gay. What would you have done to me then?
The only lasting memories I have with my mother as of this time of writing this post, are the ones I fight every day to recover from. Do you understand how traumatizing your parenting style was, mom? Did you think it would turn out well when you told your child you wouldn't ever trust them again unless they worked their ass off to gain your trust back? A child shouldn't have to feel responsible for the integrity of their relationship to their parent. A child should be able to trust their parent without fear, not because of it. I put blind trust in my mother until it almost killed me down the line, relying so heavily on her approval that I haven't had my own thoughts until about a year ago.
I was a sneaky kid. I'd sneak on the computer past bedtime, I'd play my DS under the sheets, sometimes I'd even sneak off the back porch and play in the woods by moonlight. I lied as a kid. About what I was doing online, mainly. I hid computer activity like a madman and it only made my life a very routine, tidy sort of hell.
Now I was past the interest of blogging (it should be noted that the aforementioned aftermath of the secret gay story is what put an end to my interest in blogging), and had become good at hiding my creations. Only I didn't write anymore, I lost the spark for it. Instead I played online games, posted to forums, and had a few art accounts across different sites. But I never again posted whatever I wanted because I wanted to, and never again did I feel excitement or pride when I did. Each submission came with the weight of knowing She could find it and I'd be dog water. Thank God I'd moved out by the time she discovered furry art had been buying the groceries the last two years.
But I digress. No explanation was ever given for why we had a bedtime and why we got in trouble when we stayed up past it, not until I was an adult and she decided to tell me why without prompt. Because our dad would get up at strange hours, and being an addict, mom didn't want us to get hurt. Unfortunately just because we had a bedtime didn't mean we didn't have traumatizing experiences after it. One night my dad sat in the middle of the floor holding my cat- a raggedy old persian who vomited exclusively on the rug -and explained to me why she was miserable and why we needed to get rid of her. I knew he was not dad in that moment, but I couldn't face him. I lay with my back to the room, pillows and plushies squished against my racing chest. No one was there to help, and the one that should've above all others was the one causing such pain. Not answering even once I pretended to sleep, still as death, until eventually my father sighed and put the cat down, hearing his footsteps before the door closed. A door I wasn't allowed to have a lock on. For my safety. Now, was it to protect me from being locked in a room with him? Or was it to prevent me from having true privacy?
When we moved away years later, after dad had died and religion wasn't jiving, my room became the renovated garage. But I didn't have a door for the three years I lived there, not even a curtain. I asked. Many times. Offered my own funds. Never did I try putting something up myself, for the fear that came with that suggestion gripped me so thoroughly I couldn't possibly do it without permission from Her. When she got a boyfriend he and all following significant others would always comment on my lack of a door, eagerly offer to install one to prove himself a capable man who cares about his girlfriend's kids, and miraculously never come through. Why? When mother wants something done it's done within three days of her wanting need. So why didn't I have a door for three years?
To remedy this I simply moved out. Now my door is mine, but she insisted on a spare key that I've never seen again, and have truly never felt at peace because I know she has a key to my house. She's moving away in two days. She's taking my brother with her. I hope I feel like my privacy is truly private then.
Sharing things is difficult. Being open is difficult. Privacy is all I've known, what I've fought for my whole life. Just a space to feel like myself, to feel unjudged, to create in peace. Perhaps having my confidence and self worth broken by the only adult in my life until I myself was almost an adult has had unfortunate outcomes for me in some areas. But on the bright side I really don't give a shit about what anyone thinks because nothing anyone says to me will ever be as heartbreaking as what She has said to me. I will make a small amendment however in stating that any person I've allowed into my heart automatically and quite instantaneously gains the ability to shatter it into a million tiny pieces because right now I'm still learning how to be human.
One of the greatest guilts I feel is over my secretive nature, one I developed especially to hide from my mother. It's still taking a long time to creep out of this web and I'm still too terrified to show it to anyone but myself and whatever strangers may coincidentally stumble over this tumblr blog post.
All I want is to be able to share every facet of myself with my partner, and while I'm making good progress, I can't help but feel frustration and disappointment when there are moments I hide.
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New Year, New Me → 017
Tagging: Miles Sterling & Nick Vaughn.
Timeframe: Sunday, December 31, 2017.
Location: A friend-of-a-friend’s party.
General Notes: Nick and Miles hang out at a New Years Eve party and it’s the first time anything happens between them around other people. So like, a big deal.
Miles: Miles always found himself somewhere new to ring in the new year. Sometimes it was with family, other times with close friends — this year, it was neither, as he found himself wandering the basement of a friend-of-a-friend’s home. The place wasn’t quite packed, but there were plenty of faces Miles didn’t recognize. One who didn’t fall into that category, obviously, was Nick, who Miles hoped was still behind him as he finally moved to a spot of open air, right near the TV where a crowd had formed to watch the whole New Years Eve countdown thing. “I’m not cut out for this anymore,” Miles said when he could finally see his friend again. He was glad they were here together, given the events that unfolded a little prior to Christmas, followed by completely different events on Christmas. But they always somehow found their way back to being each other’s sidekicks at parties like this. “It’s already way past my bedtime. I don’t think I’ll even last until midnight, man.”
Nick: Nick usually took his New Years Eve plans very seriously. The previous years, he’d made it a point to scope out the biggest parties, of the ones that were likely to be the most memorable. This year was different. Nick didn’t even realize New Years was so close; he’d been so focused on just trying to get through the overwhelming holiday that was Christmas. When word got out that a friend of a friend was throwing a small New Years party, Nick wasn’t sure he even wanted to go. He almost didn’t, although he knew that he should go socialize and see his friends. It turned out Miles was going, though, and if Miles was going then Nick had to show up. They always seemed to end up at these parties together — even if it was unplanned. It was practically tradition. Nick smiled and nodded at people he recognized as he walked through the apartment, realizing he’d seen a lot of these same people at previous parties although he couldn’t remember half of their names. Maybe if he was feeling the spirit of New Years later he’d ask them. But for now (for once) he wanted time to ease into making himself mingle with everyone. Nick didn’t think twice before walking with Miles to an open spot, still near everybody but further enough away to have breathing room. “Sure you can, man. I believe in you.” He half smiled at him. “Everyone says that until they start drinking and get too hyped up to sleep. Then you wake up the next day and regret everything.” That’s how Nick always started the New Year.
Miles: Miles shook his head, looking down at plastic cup in his hand, which actually contained water this time around. “I’m not even, like...all that fun when I’m drunk,” he pointed out, though it wasn’t like Nick didn’t know that. “I mean, only past a certain point. Everyone has that uphill climb when you’re full of adrenaline and stuff but once I’m over that it’s just not pretty.” So he was trying to prevent that this time. Or maybe just prolong it, at the very least, so he’d be in that heightened state to bring in 2018. “I won’t be regretting it tomorrow, though. I’m a good boy.” He lifted the cup of water to prove his point. “I hope you’re staying adequately hydrated. I don’t mean to mom you, but you never know with you.” At this point, he really didn’t know what Nick was up to sometimes. He was learning all these surprises about him lately. But that didn’t matter right now.
Nick: Nick glanced down at Miles’ cup knowingly. Leave it to him to be the more responsible one. Nick supposed that’s why he managed to stay out of trouble. Well, for the most part. Excluding the Greg thing which he really didn’t want to think about right now, because Miles was finally starting to look like himself again. “I think you’re fun.” He said with a shrug as he glanced at a few people who passed by. “You’re right about that though. Probably best for you to not ring in the New Year with a hangover.” Nick has, but that doesn’t mean he enjoyed it. Just the events leading up to it. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” He replied, but he wasn’t necessarily offended. That comment wasn’t necessarily unwarranted, after all. “I actually haven’t been drinking. Yet.” He tacked on so it wouldn’t seem to out of character for him. “But I’ll stay hydrated. Don’t worry, Mom. I even made sure to pack a Capri Sun in my jacket pocket so drunk me would want to drink more liquids.” He patted the side of his jacket, figuring Miles would think he was kidding, but he always made sure he was prepared to overdo it even when he didn’t plan on it. “Chances are we’ll both remember this New Years Eve. It’s almost midnight anyway.” He turned his head to glance at the TV people were currently gathered around. Almost midnight, but not quite. “Are you excited for 2018?” He turned back to Miles with a small grin. “Any cool New Years resolutions?”
Miles: Miles didn’t want to feel the familiar warmth in his chest whenever Nick said something as simple as finding him fun, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. It didn’t take much nowadays. “Yeah, well. You get to laugh at me,” he settled on saying in response after a moment, again watching the water swirl around in his cup before raising his head again. “Just being honest. I know how you roll at these things for the most part. Capri Suns are terrible for you, for the record. You’re probably better off with just straight vodka at that point.” Though Miles had to admit a juice box sounded good right about then. “Yeah — ten minutes?” He squinted as he tried to read the little timer in the corner of the TV, but there were a lot of drunk people in the way. “Sure. I’m not sure it’ll be much different from this year, but we’ll see.” He shrugged. “Not really. Maybe do a little bit more with my mom, especially after everything. But I’m already super jacked so it’s not like I need to work out or anything. I guess I could keep perfecting my stripping skills to steal your job, though. What about you?”
Nick: “When do I ever laugh at you?” He asked rhetorically, amused before the conversation shifted to Miles insulting him and his Capri Suns. “Think what you want about me, but leave the Capri Suns out of this. If they were bad adults wouldn’t let their kids have them.” He states matter of factly, although that statement was clearly not entirely factual. His Grandpa let him drink a beer when he was eight so clearly some people weren’t really worried about those things. “Seeing your Mom more is a good one.” He nodded. “So your other resolution is to see me jobless. Nice.” He couldn’t help but laugh. Normally he’d be concerned about people overhearing what he did for a living, but truthfully no one was even paying attention to them. “Well, I’m going to try to find another job. Especially with you trying to steal mine. I need to be one step ahead.” He playfully glared at him for a fraction of a second. “And I want to finish Stranger Things with you. That’s also important.” Nick nodded. “And I want to be a guest judge on Cupcake Wars. But that’s every years resolution.” Obviously.
Miles: “I could try to remember every time but we’d be here a while.” Truthfully, they usually ended up just laughing together anyway. “I’m not saying I don’t like them. I’m just saying they’re not good for you. They aren’t a useful alternative to alcohol. Parents let kids have plenty of terrible things.” He shrugged. “Well, these skills have to go somewhere. Sorry, man.” He was glad to hear that Nick was going to look for other jobs. Something about him being there still rubbed Miles the wrong way after what had happened. “That will be good for you,” he said seriously. “Stranger Things, too. I’m annoyed that we’re gonna be a year behind everyone else but it’s no one’s fault but ours, I guess.” He knew that they were just going to have to try harder not to talk the whole time. “I would watch the hell out of that episode. I think you’d have more luck just becoming a contestant, though.”
Nick: Nick rolled his eyes playfully at the comment, but didn’t feel the need to reply. “Sugar water is good for humming birds, maybe scientists thought it’d be the same for kids.” He shrugged. Who was he to argue with the creators of Capri Sun? He just thought they tasted good. “Maybe I’ll end up mixing it with vodka at some point so it’s extra bad for me.” He joked. At the talk of him finding another job, Nick nodded. “Yeah... I want to. I don’t know if I’ll find anything better, but we’ll see.” At the Stranger Things talk, Nick smiled again. “We’ll get there, dude. Even if we have to binge it right before season three starts. Maybe it’s even better this way so we won’t have months of withdrawals like everybody else.” They’d have to avoid spoilers like the plague, though, considering everyone else in the world has seen it besides them. “That means more to me than you know.” He said seriously, raising his hand to his chest as he did. “You really think so? That’d be the ultimate dream. Maybe you could come with me and be my teammate. I think we have the same creative vision.”
Miles: “Do they say artificial flavors are good for hummingbirds, too? I must have missed that scientific discovery.” As if Miles actually cared about eating healthy. He put a lot of crap into his body. “That doesn’t even sound like a terrible idea. I mean, it is a terrible idea but I still want to try it.” He figures if he was up for it later he’d go hunt down the ingredients for Nick’s new cocktail. “I think there are plenty of better options for you. You just have to work your way up. But anything’s probably better than that.” Maybe not anything, but there were certainly quite a few that would be a start. “Seriously. I’m not great under pressure, though. I guess I could just tag along and taste things as you go but you can’t count on me to do any baking. I’ll crack, man.” He noticed a sudden commotion near them, and Miles turned to see the crowd gathering further around the TV as the countdown got closer to midnight. “Well, looks like we’re almost in 2018. I have a feeling it’ll be your big Cupcake Wars break for sure.”
Nick: “I don’t know, I’m not a birdologist.” Nick laughed, nodding. “It’s a horrible idea. But you can try it with me if you want. We should do it right before we leave so you don’t have to worry about getting sick in front of all these people.” He only had one jumbo Capri Sun anyway, so the cocktail wouldn’t be particularly big. “I’m gonna try. I dunno. We’ll see.” Nick shrugged. He wasn’t really sure if he’d be able to find anything that paid as well as his current job did, and that was the important part. But he’d at least try. “I believe in you. I need you there, dude. You’re the only other person who knows how the competition works as well as I do.” He said genuinely, gently slapping Miles’ shoulder as he spoke. The excited yells and murmurs from beside them soon grabbed his attention, though, and he turned his head to glance at the TV currently airing the countdown. “And this will be the year you get your big Stripping break.” He turned back to grin at him. “We’re so underprepared, though. We don’t have 2018 sunglasses or tiaras or anything. I guess we’ll just have to do the countdown super loudly to make up for it. You ready?”
Miles: “I will almost definitely throw up.” They we’re pretty good at bad ideas, though, so he was still into it. “I guess that’s all you can really do.” There was certainly no harm in trying. “But it’s too much pressure, dude. I know I’d fall apart under the circumstances. Cupcakes are too serious for me. I just like to watch. And eat them.” He was definitely more of a judge type, but that was Nick’s aspiration. “Man, I hope so. It’s my life’s dream.” It was now Miles’ unspoken duty to give Nick shit about the stripping thing as often as he could without downright disrespecting him. “Well, we can just borrow them from someone else here. I doubt any of these drunk people would notice.” He could stick with the countdown thing, though. “Yeah. I mean, it’s no big deal.” He shrugged. He had never considered it a huge thing. He’d stay where he was and watch drunk couples kiss at midnight and cheer with the other drunk single people and then that would be it. “I might have to go find the dog to kiss me at midnight, though. Start my year off right.”
Nick: Nick nodded in understanding. “Maybe if I ever get on as a contestant we can sneak you in to be a judge. Or security or something. Then I can just sneak you the cupcakes.” And probably get kicked out of the competition, but he’d risk it. “If you need help working on your professional stripping skills, don’t be afraid to ask. I’ve got years of experience now.” Nick didn’t freely talk about what he did with just anybody, but it was easy to joke about this with Miles, because he knew he didn’t think less of him for being a stripper. “Honestly, probably not.” He rose an eyebrow as he heard the crowd go wild again, and Nick wondered if he sounded like that when he partied. He probably sounded worse. “Good plan. But if you can’t find the dog, you might want to find a human backup. ‘Cause if you don’t you’ll get ten years of bad luck.”
Miles: “I could deal with that. Although if we’re being totally honest, we’re both better off as we are.” Miles himself much preferred watching it from his couch whilst eating store bought cupcakes that he didn’t have to work for. “I appreciate that. You should teach lessons. I’d do it.” He wasn’t sure where Nick drew his line, but if Miles had to guess, that was probably it. Miles continued to watch the people around them begin to grab onto each other and move in closer, in all of their respective pairs as the clock ticked down. “There are very few people here I would consider worth these luscious lips.” He chuckled, but he was totally serious. He turned his attention back to Nick with a shrug. “Besides. I think you know as well as I do I only really want to kiss one person lately,” he admitted, having no fear in doing so. He was sure to lower his voice, though. He knew they weren’t a ‘thing,’ they weren’t boyfriends, and Nick wasn’t ready to even be anything close to that in front of people. Miles didn’t mind. “But it’s not necessary in front of all these people. I can kiss that person another time.”
Nick: "I hate to admit it, but you're probably right. I need to practice first. Really get good at making a solid cupcake." Nick loved cupcakes, so he probably would try to make some from scratch one day to see if he could. He wasn't banking on a good outcome, but hey, who knew? "Maybe that should be my new job. Stripper teaching. That's how I got into it, you know. A friend taught me. Maybe there's a market for stripping coaching out there." He said quietly enough so no one else would hear him. If they did, that's when he'd shut up. It was all fun and games until someone heard him. "Luscious lips? Have you been using Lip Smackers, or what?" His lips tugged into an amused grin. "Well, God, Miles. If you wanted to kiss Lily that bad you should have just invited her." He said, clearly joking, although maybe that was too soon to joke about. But he knew what Miles meant, and his heart was undoubtedly warmed by it. His words made him feel things he never expected to feel, but he wasn't pushing them away this time. This time he was embracing them. "What if..." His voice suddenly took a serious turn, and he felt ridiculously vulnerable. Not to mention stupid. There were a thousand negative thoughts now running through his head telling him that he shouldn't say that he was about to say, but his heart wasn't seeming to listen to them. "What if that person wants to kiss you here?"]
Miles: “I volunteer to be your taste tester.” Miles might end up trying some admittedly bad cupcakes, but it was all in the name of helping Nick improve. Plus, a bad cupcake was still a cupcake. “Really? Is that a thing? To be fair, you kind of inadvertently showed me a thing or two.” He had technically stripped in front of him, after all. “Yes, luscious — I said what I said. You’re right, though. The cotton candy kind.” He had actually been obsessed with those for a while as a kid. At Nick’s joke, Miles rolled his eyes, though he appreciated the humor in the situation as a whole. “You’re hilarious.” He shook his head and sipped from his water, immediately pushing Lily out of his thoughts. None of that mattered when he was with Nick. And it became even truer when Nick spoke next. Miles raised an eyebrow at him as he peered over the edge of his cup. “What?” was all he could say at first. He finally lowered his drink then. “You don’t... I mean, it’s... Nick, there’s people around,” he finally settled on, glancing at the crowded area around them. “It’s not a big deal to me, you know. I know I’m not your...” He trailed off. He didn’t need to say it. He shrugged instead. “It’s just not a big deal,” he repeated.
Nick: “You might have to be my only taste tester. I don’t think anyone else is brave enough.” So Nick definitely appreciated the offer. “Well it is now.” He paused, caught off guard by the comment. He smiled slightly, a little embarrassed. “...That doesn’t count.” Nick laughed at the luscious lips talk. “Good, everyone knows cotton candy is the best kind. That and the soda ones. I liked the root beer one, personally. It just didn’t make my lips very luscious because I kept licking it off.” Hence the name lip smackers, he guessed. The playful conversation slowly gave way to something more serious, and Nick was left feeling exposed. But he wasn’t denying what he just suggested. “I know there is. And I know... I know you’re not. But...” He shrugged slightly. “Then it shouldn’t be a big deal if I do it.” He said cautiously. He knew it was a big deal. It felt like a very big deal.
Miles: “I feel like that’s typical between the two of us. We have to do things for each other because no one else is willing to breach this territory.” It was definitely strange territory sometimes, so Miles couldn’t particularly blame other people. “It so does count. Only difference is I didn’t have to pay for it. But I got the full experience.” He laughed lightly, knowing it was probably the alcohol coursing through his veins making him speak so nonchalantly about it, especially in front of other people. “Okay. I’m done now, promise.” Maybe. Time would tell. “They do that on purpose, y’know. Make it so you keep licking your lips and make ‘em even drier so you have to keep buying more. Get with it, Nicholas.” He wanted to figure out where this had come from, why Nick was suddenly interest of the prospect of kissing him in front of other people. But all Miles could really do was blink, unable to try and put the pieces together. Why now? Here? “If…” He trailed off, looking over at the TV once again, which was now counting down the final minute of the year. “If you’re sure,” he finally said, holding his gaze again. “But don’t — don’t push yourself.” His voice was lower again, and he took a step toward Nick. It felt like too much space between them to be talking about something so…intimate. “I’m not gonna tell you no.”
Nick: “If you ask me they’re missing out.” Just because their ideas didn’t make sense or seem good to other people didn’t mean they were any less valid. Nick was glad Miles thought the same way he did — half the time it seemed like he was the only person who understood what he was saying. “Lucky you.” Nick frowned at the teasing. “If you tried to pay me for it we would no longer be speaking.” He wasn’t exactly mad, he was just used to it being a touchy subject. “Are you sure?” He deadpanned. “Shit —- you’re right. I can’t be mad at smart business strategies, though. Maybe I should have asked for lip smackers for Christmas. My lips have been way less luscious than when I used to use it.” Nick didn’t know exactly what had gotten into him. All he knew is that over the past few weeks, something had changed with him and Miles. It was subtle, but they were no longer trying to hide the fact that they wanted to kiss each other. So Nick, from time to time, had moments where he thought that he wanted to try to kiss him again. Apparently, right now was one of the moments. “I don’t want...everyone to see us.” That thought made him nervous. He continued to keep his voice quiet. “I’m not ready for that.” He held his gaze in return, trying to be honest. “But I want to be able to kiss you at midnight. Because I want to.” He could hear the countdown in the background, and it was getting closer and closer to midnight. Nick reached out to grasp onto Miles’ sleeve and took a step backwards, hoping he would take the hint and move with him closer to the wall and away from the crowds of people.
Miles: “I am lucky. But I didn’t need to pay you.” Miles wanted to remind him that he got his fair share, but he left that part out. “Okay, now I am,” he promised. “That would have been a good gift. Though I think what I did get you was better.” He was proud of the t-shirt. Meaningful gifts and all that shit. He nodded slowly as Nick spoke, even if admittedly he should have been more taken back by what he’d said. He knew he should have cared, but...it was Nick. He wanted to be with him. If this was what Nick needed, then so be it, even if that meant hiding in the shadows. Though Miles supposed this was a step in the right direction. He watched Nick pull his sleeve, blindly stepping forward to follow him. They were moving further away from the view of others, which was fair, and what Miles would have expected anyway. He felt like he was a part of something much larger, sneaking around and trying to keep it under wraps. It made his heart race. He looked over his shoulder, watching the seconds tick down. “I hope...” He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with that at first. He paused and bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I hope next year is, um, easier.” They’d both had to deal with some shit this year, about a lot of things. Miles just wanted things to be simple. He looked down, his hand sliding up Nick’s arm slowly. Ten seconds. Miles met his eyes, his palms feeling sweaty like he was fourteen and about to have his first kiss. It still didn’t feel real sometimes, even seeing Nick in front of him, but he held his gaze and waited.
Nick: “Do you ever get tired of being so hilarious?” His words were clearly coated in sarcasm, but he knew that Miles was (mostly) being harmless. “Yeah... That was the best gift.” He said genuinely. He hadn’t expected it, but he loved it and was planning on wearing it whenever he could. As he and Miles walked further back, Nick’s heart was racing. Maybe this isn’t what most people thought of when they thought of kissing who they wanted at midnight. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to Miles, because they’d be hidden. It wasn’t like it was in the middle of the room. But still... to him, it felt like it was. It felt like the step before taking that step, and it was exciting as it was nerve wracking. “Me too.” Nick murmured back when they stopped. For a moment, it felt like they were two awkward teenagers, just staring at each other and unsure of what to do. Miles’ hand traveling up his arm and the way he was already standing so close made him want this even more — and suddenly he was very sure of this decision. On the count of six, Nick tugged him even closer by his sleeve. On the count of three, he lifted his hands up to cup either side of Miles’ face. And on the count of one, he leaned in to gently press his lips against Miles’. His nose bumped his a little clumsily, and he almost smiled, but he was too preoccupied by how good it felt to be able to do this.
Miles: “It’s really hard being me.” He wanted to flip his hair, but he didn’t have the long hair to flip and it just wouldn’t work. At least Nick could do the flippy bangs thing. “I’m glad you liked it. Yours was way better, though. It’s been on repeat.” He’d been so psyched about it he could have actually cried. And maybe he did later on. He’d never tell. He hadn’t expected the night to come to this. Honestly, Miles didn’t think he’d be kissing anybody this year. But if it was going to be anyone, he was obviously glad it was Nick. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through him as they came closer while the countdown continued behind them. When it finally reached midnight, Nick pulled him in and kissed him. Miles could hear champagne popping open somewhere behind him, cheering, and he was positive that there was a lot of sloppy drunk kissing going on, but his eyes had slid shut at this point, his hands on Nick’s waist to hold him there. He hoped that this was going to set the tone for the new year. That this meant maybe things were going to be easier and Nick would feel more comfortable doing things like this. He was grinning when he pulled away, realizing there was nothing he wanted more from the night than for exactly that to occur. “It’s a shame it didn’t taste like lip smackers.”
Nick: “Poor you.” He really did love his gift, and he was glad to hear that Miles liked his too. “Good, I thought you might like it. I wouldn’t say it’s better. We both got equally good gifts, I think.” For as long as the countdown seemed to take, the kiss itself didn’t seem to last nearly as long. Or maybe the selfish part of his brain just wanted more of it. He’d kissed Miles before, but it was always in private. And more often than not, not even the two of them would really acknowledge it. This time it was different. It felt more real. Pulling back slightly, he opened his eyes to look at Miles. Unable to help it, he laughed at the comment. “Maybe next time we’ll remember to get some.”
Miles: “Alright. I can agree with that.” It spoke volumes how well they knew each other. They were able to get each other things that others wouldn’t even think of. Miles could have kept kissing him all night into the next morning if it were realistic, but they’d definitely get kicked out of the party eventually. He was content that they’d even kissed at all, to be fair. “Yeah. Next time,” he agreed. He obviously still remembered, but now it was difficult for him to understand why there was ever a time where the two of them tried to pretend they didn’t feel a certain way about each other. There were very few things holding them back now. Just a few more obstacles that Miles was sure they could eventually work through — hopefully — and then maybe everything would just work out fine. “Happy New Year, man.” He lingered for a moment, then shifted his attention behind him. No one seemed to even notice them, which Miles had suspected — but still. He understood. “I think we should go find some champagne.”
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New Year, New Me ― CANON.
(current verse)
Nick and Miles hang out at a New Years Eve party and smooch at midnight. It’s the first time anything happens between them around other people (even if no one actually sees them). So like, a big deal.
Later on in the night, they’re both drunk and Miles asks Nick to come back to his place. Stuff goes down... well, sort of. NSFW.
Miles always found himself somewhere new to ring in the new year. Sometimes it was with family, other times with close friends — this year, it was neither, as he found himself wandering the basement of a friend-of-a-friend’s home. The place wasn’t quite packed, but there were plenty of faces Miles didn’t recognize. One who didn’t fall into that category, obviously, was Nick, who Miles hoped was still behind him as he finally moved to a spot of open air, right near the TV where a crowd had formed to watch the whole New Years Eve countdown thing. “I’m not cut out for this anymore,” Miles said when he could finally see his friend again. He was glad they were here together, given the events that unfolded a little prior to Christmas, followed by completely different events on Christmas. But they always somehow found their way back to being each other’s sidekicks at parties like this. “It’s already way past my bedtime. I don’t think I’ll even last until midnight, man.”
Nick usually took his New Years Eve plans very seriously. The previous years, he’d made it a point to scope out the biggest parties, of the ones that were likely to be the most memorable. This year was different. Nick didn’t even realize New Years was so close; he’d been so focused on just trying to get through the overwhelming holiday that was Christmas. When word got out that a friend of a friend was throwing a small New Years party, Nick wasn’t sure he even wanted to go. He almost didn’t, although he knew that he should go socialize and see his friends. It turned out Miles was going, though, and if Miles was going then Nick had to show up. They always seemed to end up at these parties together — even if it was unplanned. It was practically tradition. Nick smiled and nodded at people he recognized as he walked through the apartment, realizing he’d seen a lot of these same people at previous parties although he couldn’t remember half of their names. Maybe if he was feeling the spirit of New Years later he’d ask them. But for now (for once) he wanted time to ease into making himself mingle with everyone. Nick didn’t think twice before walking with Miles to an open spot, still near everybody but further enough away to have breathing room. “Sure you can, man. I believe in you.” He half smiled at him. “Everyone says that until they start drinking and get too hyped up to sleep. Then you wake up the next day and regret everything.” That’s how Nick always started the New Year.
Miles shook his head, looking down at plastic cup in his hand, which actually contained water this time around. “I’m not even, like…all that fun when I’m drunk,” he pointed out, though it wasn’t like Nick didn’t know that. “I mean, only past a certain point. Everyone has that uphill climb when you’re full of adrenaline and stuff but once I’m over that it’s just not pretty.” So he was trying to prevent that this time. Or maybe just prolong it, at the very least, so he’d be in that heightened state to bring in 2015. “I won’t be regretting it tomorrow, though. I’m a good boy.” He lifted the cup of water to prove his point. “I hope you’re staying adequately hydrated. I don’t mean to mom you, but you never know with you.” At this point, he really didn’t know what Nick was up to sometimes. He was learning all these surprises about him lately. But that didn’t matter right now.
Nick glanced down at Miles’ cup knowingly. Leave it to him to be the more responsible one. Nick supposed that’s why he managed to stay out of trouble. Well, for the most part. Excluding the Greg thing which he really didn’t want to think about right now, because Miles was finally starting to look like himself again. “I think you’re fun.” He said with a shrug as he glanced at a few people who passed by. “You’re right about that though. Probably best for you to not ring in the New Year with a hangover.” Nick has, but that doesn’t mean he enjoyed it. Just the events leading up to it. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” He replied, but he wasn’t necessarily offended. That comment wasn’t necessarily unwarranted, after all. “I actually haven’t been drinking. Yet.” He tacked on so it wouldn’t seem to out of character for him. “But I’ll stay hydrated. Don’t worry, Mom. I even made sure to pack a Capri Sun in my jacket pocket so drunk me would want to drink more liquids.” He patted the side of his jacket, figuring Miles would think he was kidding, but he always made sure he was prepared to overdo it even when he didn’t plan on it. “Chances are we’ll both remember this New Years Eve. It’s almost midnight anyway.” He turned his head to glance at the TV people were currently gathered around. Almost midnight, but not quite. “Are you excited for 2015?” He turned back to Miles with a small grin. “Any cool New Years resolutions?”
Miles didn’t want to feel the familiar warmth in his chest whenever Nick said something as simple as finding him fun, but he was pretty sure that wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. It didn’t take much nowadays. “Yeah, well. You get to laugh at me,” he settled on saying in response after a moment, again watching the water swirl around in his cup before raising his head again. “Just being honest. I know how you roll at these things for the most part. Capri Suns are terrible for you, for the record. You’re probably better off with just straight vodka at that point.” Though Miles had to admit a juice box sounded good right about then. “Yeah — ten minutes?” He squinted as he tried to read the little timer in the corner of the TV, but there were a lot of drunk people in the way. “Sure. I’m not sure it’ll be much different from this year, but we’ll see.” He shrugged. “Not really. Maybe do a little bit more with my mom, especially after everything. But I’m already super jacked so it’s not like I need to work out or anything. I guess I could keep perfecting my stripping skills to steal your job, though. What about you?”
“When do I ever laugh at you?” Nick asked rhetorically, amused before the conversation shifted to Miles insulting him and his Capri Suns. “Think what you want about me, but leave the Capri Suns out of this. If they were bad adults wouldn’t let their kids have them.” He states matter of factly, although that statement was clearly not entirely factual. His Grandpa let him drink a beer when he was eight so clearly some people weren’t really worried about those things. “Seeing your Mom more is a good one.” He nodded. “So your other resolution is to see me jobless. Nice.” He couldn’t help but laugh. Normally he’d be concerned about people overhearing what he did for a living, but truthfully no one was even paying attention to them. “Well, I’m going to try to find another job. Especially with you trying to steal mine. I need to be one step ahead.” He playfully glared at him for a fraction of a second. “And I want to finish Stranger Things with you. That’s also important.” Nick nodded. “And I want to be a guest judge on Cupcake Wars. But that’s every years resolution.” Obviously.
“I could try to remember every time but we’d be here a while.” Truthfully, they usually ended up just laughing together anyway. “I’m not saying I don’t like them. I’m just saying they’re not good for you. They aren’t a useful alternative to alcohol. Parents let kids have plenty of terrible things.” Miles shrugged. “Well, these skills have to go somewhere. Sorry, man.” He was glad to hear that Nick was going to look for other jobs. Something about him being there still rubbed Miles the wrong way after what had happened. “That will be good for you,” he said seriously. “Stranger Things, too. I’m annoyed that we’re gonna be a year behind everyone else but it’s no one’s fault but ours, I guess.” He knew that they were just going to have to try harder not to talk the whole time. “I would watch the hell out of that episode. I think you’d have more luck just becoming a contestant, though.”
Nick rolled his eyes playfully at the comment, but didn’t feel the need to reply. “Sugar water is good for humming birds, maybe scientists thought it’d be the same for kids.” He shrugged. Who was he to argue with the creators of Capri Sun? He just thought they tasted good. “Maybe I’ll end up mixing it with vodka at some point so it’s extra bad for me.” He joked. At the talk of him finding another job, Nick nodded. “Yeah… I want to. I don’t know if I’ll find anything better, but we’ll see.” At the Stranger Things talk, Nick smiled again. “We’ll get there, dude. Even if we have to binge it right before season three starts. Maybe it’s even better this way so we won’t have months of withdrawals like everybody else.” They’d have to avoid spoilers like the plague, though, considering everyone else in the world has seen it besides them. “That means more to me than you know.” He said seriously, raising his hand to his chest as he did. “You really think so? That’d be the ultimate dream. Maybe you could come with me and be my teammate. I think we have the same creative vision.”
“Do they say artificial flavors are good for hummingbirds, too? I must have missed that scientific discovery.” As if Miles actually cared about eating healthy. He put a lot of crap into his body. “That doesn’t even sound like a terrible idea. I mean, it is a terrible idea but I still want to try it.” He figures if he was up for it later he’d go hunt down the ingredients for Nick’s new cocktail. “I think there are plenty of better options for you. You just have to work your way up. But anything’s probably better than that.” Maybe not anything, but there were certainly quite a few that would be a start. “Seriously. I’m not great under pressure, though. I guess I could just tag along and taste things as you go but you can’t count on me to do any baking. I’ll crack, man.” He noticed a sudden commotion near them, and Miles turned to see the crowd gathering further around the TV as the countdown got closer to midnight. “Well, looks like we’re almost in 2015. I have a feeling it’ll be your big Cupcake Wars break for sure.”
“I don’t know, I’m not a birdologist.” Nick laughed, nodding. “It’s a horrible idea. But you can try it with me if you want. We should do it right before we leave so you don’t have to worry about getting sick in front of all these people.” He only had one jumbo Capri Sun anyway, so the cocktail wouldn’t be particularly big. “I’m gonna try. I dunno. We’ll see.” Nick shrugged. He wasn’t really sure if he’d be able to find anything that paid as well as his current job did, and that was the important part. But he’d at least try. “I believe in you. I need you there, dude. You’re the only other person who knows how the competition works as well as I do.” He said genuinely, gently slapping Miles’ shoulder as he spoke. The excited yells and murmurs from beside them soon grabbed his attention, though, and he turned his head to glance at the TV currently airing the countdown. “And this will be the year you get your big Stripping break.” He turned back to grin at him. “We’re so underprepared, though. We don’t have 2015 sunglasses or tiaras or anything. I guess we’ll just have to do the countdown super loudly to make up for it. You ready?”
“I will almost definitely throw up.” They were pretty good at bad ideas, though, so he was still into it. “I guess that’s all you can really do.” There was certainly no harm in trying. “But it’s too much pressure, dude. I know I’d fall apart under the circumstances. Cupcakes are too serious for me. I just like to watch. And eat them.” Miles was definitely more of a judge type, but that was Nick’s aspiration. “Man, I hope so. It’s my life’s dream.” It was now Miles’ unspoken duty to give Nick shit about the stripping thing as often as he could without downright disrespecting him. “Well, we can just borrow them from someone else here. I doubt any of these drunk people would notice.” He could stick with the countdown thing, though. “Yeah. I mean, it’s no big deal.” He shrugged. He had never considered it a huge thing. He’d stay where he was and watch drunk couples kiss at midnight and cheer with the other drunk single people and then that would be it. “I might have to go find the dog to kiss me at midnight, though. Start my year off right.”
Nick nodded in understanding. “Maybe if I ever get on as a contestant we can sneak you in to be a judge. Or security or something. Then I can just sneak you the cupcakes.” And probably get kicked out of the competition, but he’d risk it. “If you need help working on your professional stripping skills, don’t be afraid to ask. I’ve got years of experience now.” Nick didn’t freely talk about what he did with just anybody, but it was easy to joke about this with Miles, because he knew he didn’t think less of him for being a stripper. “Honestly, probably not.” He rose an eyebrow as he heard the crowd go wild again, and Nick wondered if he sounded like that when he partied. He probably sounded worse. “Good plan. But if you can’t find the dog, you might want to find a human backup. ‘Cause if you don’t you’ll get ten years of bad luck.”
“I could deal with that. Although if we’re being totally honest, we’re both better off as we are.” Miles himself much preferred watching it from his couch whilst eating store bought cupcakes that he didn’t have to work for. “I appreciate that. You should teach lessons. I’d do it.” He wasn’t sure where Nick drew his line, but if Miles had to guess, that was probably it. Miles continued to watch the people around them begin to grab onto each other and move in closer, in all of their respective pairs as the clock ticked down. “There are very few people here I would consider worth these luscious lips.” He chuckled, but he was totally serious. He turned his attention back to Nick with a shrug. “Besides. I think you know as well as I do I only really want to kiss one person lately,” he admitted, having no fear in doing so. He was sure to lower his voice, though. He knew they weren’t a ‘thing,’ they weren’t boyfriends, and Nick wasn’t ready to even be anything close to that in front of people. Miles didn’t mind. “But it’s not necessary in front of all these people. I can kiss that person another time.”
“I hate to admit it, but you’re probably right. I need to practice first. Really get good at making a solid cupcake.” Nick loved cupcakes, so he probably would try to make some from scratch one day to see if he could. He wasn’t banking on a good outcome, but hey, who knew? “Maybe that should be my new job. Stripper teaching. That’s how I got into it, you know. A friend taught me. Maybe there’s a market for stripping coaching out there.” He said quietly enough so no one else would hear him. If they did, that’s when he’d shut up. It was all fun and games until someone heard him. “Luscious lips? Have you been using Lip Smackers, or what?” His lips tugged into an amused grin. “Well, God, Miles. If you wanted to kiss Lily that bad you should have just invited her.” He said, clearly joking, although maybe that was too soon to joke about. But he knew what Miles meant, and his heart was undoubtedly warmed by it. His words made him feel things he never expected to feel, but he wasn’t pushing them away this time. This time he was embracing them. “What if…” His voice suddenly took a serious turn, and he felt ridiculously vulnerable. Not to mention stupid. There were a thousand negative thoughts now running through his head telling him that he shouldn’t say that he was about to say, but his heart wasn’t seeming to listen to them. “What if that person wants to kiss you here?”
“I volunteer to be your taste tester.” Miles might end up trying some admittedly bad cupcakes, but it was all in the name of helping Nick improve. Plus, a bad cupcake was still a cupcake. “Really? Is that a thing? To be fair, you kind of inadvertently showed me a thing or two.” He had technically stripped in front of him, after all. “Yes, luscious — I said what I said. You’re right, though. The cotton candy kind.” He had actually been obsessed with those for a while as a kid. At Nick’s joke, Miles rolled his eyes, though he appreciated the humor in the situation as a whole. “You’re hilarious.” He shook his head and sipped from his water, immediately pushing Lily out of his thoughts. None of that mattered when he was with Nick. And it became even truer when Nick spoke next. Miles raised an eyebrow at him as he peered over the edge of his cup. “What?” was all he could say at first. He finally lowered his drink then. “You don’t… I mean, it’s… Nick, there’s people around,” he finally settled on, glancing at the crowded area around them. “It’s not a big deal to me, you know. I know I’m not your…” He trailed off. He didn’t need to say it. He shrugged instead. “It’s just not a big deal,” he repeated.
“You might have to be my only taste tester. I don’t think anyone else is brave enough.” So Nick definitely appreciated the offer. “Well it is now.” He paused, caught off guard by the comment. He smiled slightly, a little embarrassed. “…That doesn’t count.” Nick laughed at the luscious lips talk. “Good, everyone knows cotton candy is the best kind. That and the soda ones. I liked the root beer one, personally. It just didn’t make my lips very luscious because I kept licking it off.” Hence the name lip smackers, he guessed. The playful conversation slowly gave way to something more serious, and Nick was left feeling exposed. But he wasn’t denying what he just suggested. “I know there is. And I know… I know you’re not. But…” He shrugged slightly. “Then it shouldn’t be a big deal if I do it.” He said cautiously. He knew it was a big deal. It felt like a very big deal.
“I feel like that’s typical between the two of us. We have to do things for each other because no one else is willing to breach this territory.” It was definitely strange territory sometimes, so Miles couldn’t particularly blame other people. “It so does count. Only difference is I didn’t have to pay for it. But I got the full experience.” He laughed lightly, knowing it was probably the alcohol coursing through his veins making him speak so nonchalantly about it, especially in front of other people. “Okay. I’m done now, promise.” Maybe. Time would tell. “They do that on purpose, y’know. Make it so you keep licking your lips and make ‘em even drier so you have to keep buying more. Get with it, Nicholas.” He wanted to figure out where this had come from, why Nick was suddenly interested in the prospect of kissing him in front of other people. But all Miles could really do was blink, unable to try and put the pieces together. Why now? Here? “If…” He trailed off, looking over at the TV once again, which was now counting down the final minute of the year. “If you’re sure,” he finally said, holding his gaze again. “But don’t — don’t push yourself.” His voice was lower again, and he took a step toward Nick. It felt like too much space between them to be talking about something so…intimate. “I’m not gonna tell you no.”
“If you ask me they’re missing out.” Just because their ideas didn’t make sense or seem good to other people didn’t mean they were any less valid. Nick was glad Miles thought the same way he did — half the time it seemed like he was the only person who understood what he was saying. “Lucky you.” Nick frowned at the teasing. “If you tried to pay me for it we would no longer be speaking.” He wasn’t exactly mad, he was just used to it being a touchy subject. “Are you sure?” He deadpanned. “Shit —- you’re right. I can’t be mad at smart business strategies, though. Maybe I should have asked for lip smackers for Christmas. My lips have been way less luscious than when I used to use it.” Nick didn’t know exactly what had gotten into him. All he knew is that over the past few weeks, something had changed with him and Miles. It was subtle, but they were no longer trying to hide the fact that they wanted to kiss each other. So Nick, from time to time, had moments where he thought that he wanted to try to kiss him again. Apparently, right now was one of the moments. “I don’t want…everyone to see us.” That thought made him nervous. He continued to keep his voice quiet. “I’m not ready for that.” He held his gaze in return, trying to be honest. “But I want to be able to kiss you at midnight. Because I want to.” He could hear the countdown in the background, and it was getting closer and closer to midnight. Nick reached out to grasp onto Miles’ sleeve and took a step backwards, hoping he would take the hint and move with him closer to the wall and away from the crowds of people.
“I am lucky. But I didn’t need to pay you.” Miles wanted to remind him that he got his fair share, but he left that part out. “Okay, now I am,” he promised. “That would have been a good gift. Though I think what I did get you was better.” He was proud of the t-shirt. Meaningful gifts and all that shit. He nodded slowly as Nick spoke, even if admittedly he should have been more taken back by what he’d said. He knew he should have cared, but…it was Nick. He wanted to be with him. If this was what Nick needed, then so be it, even if that meant hiding in the shadows. Though Miles supposed this was a step in the right direction. He watched Nick pull his sleeve, blindly stepping forward to follow him. They were moving further away from the view of others, which was fair, and what Miles would have expected anyway. He felt like he was a part of something much larger, sneaking around and trying to keep it under wraps. It made his heart race. He looked over his shoulder, watching the seconds tick down. “I hope…” He wasn’t sure where he wanted to go with that at first. He paused and bit down on the inside of his cheek. “I hope next year is, um, easier.” They’d both had to deal with some shit this year, about a lot of things. Miles just wanted things to be simple. He looked down, his hand sliding up Nick’s arm slowly. Ten seconds. Miles met his eyes, his palms feeling sweaty like he was fourteen and about to have his first kiss. It still didn’t feel real sometimes, even seeing Nick in front of him, but he held his gaze and waited.
“Do you ever get tired of being so hilarious?” Nick’s words were clearly coated in sarcasm, but he knew that Miles was (mostly) being harmless. “Yeah… That was the best gift.” He said genuinely. He hadn’t expected it, but he loved it and was planning on wearing it whenever he could. As he and Miles walked further back, Nick’s heart was racing. Maybe this isn’t what most people thought of when they thought of kissing who they wanted at midnight. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal to Miles, because they’d be hidden. It wasn’t like it was in the middle of the room. But still… to him, it felt like it was. It felt like the step before taking that step, and it was exciting as it was nerve wracking. “Me too.” Nick murmured back when they stopped. For a moment, it felt like they were two awkward teenagers, just staring at each other and unsure of what to do. Miles’ hand traveling up his arm and the way he was already standing so close made him want this even more — and suddenly he was very sure of this decision. On the count of six, Nick tugged him even closer by his sleeve. On the count of three, he lifted his hands up to cup either side of Miles’ face. And on the count of one, he leaned in to gently press his lips against Miles’. His nose bumped his a little clumsily, and he almost smiled, but he was too preoccupied by how good it felt to be able to do this.
“It’s really hard being me.” Miles wanted to flip his hair, but he didn’t have the long hair to flip and it just wouldn’t work. “I’m glad you liked it. Yours was way better, though. It’s been on repeat.” He’d been so psyched about it he could have actually cried. And maybe he did later on. He’d never tell. He hadn’t expected the night to come to this. Honestly, Miles didn’t think he’d be kissing anybody this year. But if it was going to be anyone, he was obviously glad it was Nick. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through him as they came closer while the countdown continued behind them. When it finally reached midnight, Nick pulled him in and kissed him. Miles could hear champagne popping open somewhere behind him, cheering, and he was positive that there was a lot of sloppy drunk kissing going on, but his eyes had slid shut at this point, his hands on Nick’s waist to hold him there. He hoped that this was going to set the tone for the new year. That this meant maybe things were going to be easier and Nick would feel more comfortable doing things like this. He was grinning when he pulled away, realizing there was nothing he wanted more from the night than for exactly that to occur. “It’s a shame it didn’t taste like lip smackers.”
“Poor you.” Nick really did love his gift, and he was glad to hear that Miles liked his too. “Good, I thought you might like it. I wouldn’t say it’s better. We both got equally good gifts, I think.” For as long as the countdown seemed to take, the kiss itself didn’t seem to last nearly as long. Or maybe the selfish part of his brain just wanted more of it. He’d kissed Miles before, but it was always in private. And more often than not, not even the two of them would really acknowledge it. This time it was different. It felt more real. Pulling back slightly, he opened his eyes to look at Miles. Unable to help it, he laughed at the comment. “Maybe next time we’ll remember to get some.”
“Alright. I can agree with that.” It spoke volumes how well they knew each other. They were able to get each other things that others wouldn’t even think of. Miles could have kept kissing him all night into the next morning if it were realistic, but they’d definitely get kicked out of the party eventually. He was content that they’d even kissed at all, to be fair. “Yeah. Next time,” he agreed. He obviously still remembered, but now it was difficult for him to understand why there was ever a time where the two of them tried to pretend they didn’t feel a certain way about each other. There were very few things holding them back now. Just a few more obstacles that Miles was sure they could eventually work through — hopefully — and then maybe everything would just work out fine. “Happy New Year, man.” He lingered for a moment, then shifted his attention behind him. No one seemed to even notice them, which Miles had suspected — but still. He understood. “I think we should go find some champagne.”
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Back at his place later that night, away from the party and back to a celebration of their own, Miles closed the distance between them completely by pressing his lips roughly against Nick’s. It was nice not to think. He was just doing. It felt pretty invigorating, as a matter of fact. He stepped forward, effectively backing Nick up against the closed door of his bedroom as he did. He brought his hands up to cup Nick’s face. “I had to be quick. Getting you out of there.” Miles was quiet as he dropped one hand to gently pull at the fabric of Nick’s shirt and moved the kisses down to his neck instead. “Before you found someone else.” His words were muffled by Nick’s skin, which he couldn’t for a second step away from now that he had him where he wanted him. Not like he was saying anything important anyway.
The kiss distracted Nick from words in general. Miles was being rough, and while they’ve always been spur of the moment, Nick hadn’t seen Miles this eager, ever. But he didn’t question it, because he just wanted to feel something. He didn’t want to think. He sucked in a sharp breath as Miles backed him up against the door, and Nick moved his hands to slide up Miles’ shirt, grasping at his sides as his friend trailed the kisses down to his neck. He leaned his head to the side as a low moan escaped his throat, and he tried to pull Miles closer. “Who says I haven’t already?” He wasn’t sure why he said that, but he wasn’t himself. He didn’t mean it, but he didn’t care. He began to none too gently tug Miles shirt upwards. “Take it off.”
“Shut up.” Miles might have laughed in another situation. Maybe if he were less drunk. And slightly less desperate. The feeling of Nick’s hands on his bare skin sent a chill up Miles’ spine. Anytime he was with Nick, the slightest touch left Miles downright buzzing with anticipation. “You wouldn’t be here,” Miles countered, his voice low. The thought alone made him press his body firmly against Nick’s. It was most definitely a possessive thing. He didn’t have to be told twice, leaning back a bit to yank his own shirt up over his head and throwing it to the floor beside him. He didn’t waste any time pulling on Nick’s shirt to get rid of his as well, and Miles took the opportunity that they were apart to tug him toward the unmade bed. “You’re welcome to go find whoever that is instead, though. Don’ let me keep you.”
Nick had no choice but to listen to him, easily getting lost in how good Miles’ lips and hands felt on his body. They always did, every time they did this, but he was even more hyper-focused on the sensations now. He wasn’t sure what had possessed Miles to come up to him like he did, but he wasn’t exactly complaining. Nick’s heart thundered in his chest as Miles pressed his body against his own, and he swallowed, not having any vocal response to it. Miles wasn’t wrong, and they both knew it. Instead, he helped Miles pull up his shirt before they made work of removing Nick’s. He stumbled with him toward the bed, and he put his hands on Miles’ chest to push him onto it when they neared it. “Shut up.” He breathed, merely repeating Miles’ own words from either. With that, he climbed onto the bed with him, surging their lips together so they wouldn’t have to keep talking.
When it was just bare skin against bare skin, Miles often found it was impossible to control himself — especially with Nick, and especially as drunk as he currently was. Everything he felt was heightened. It was sort of a shock every time Nick touched him. He had definitely deserved to be told to shut his damn mouth. It was not the time to be a smart ass. He dragged his hands slowly down the front of Nick’s body. He stopped when he reached his pants and they came to rest on Nick’s sides instead. But Miles couldn’t help but arch his body upward, desperate to feel him. The sensation had him exhaling dazedly against Nick’s lips. Part of him still felt, deep down, that he had to be quick, like Nick wouldn’t be so cool with it if Miles dragged it on too long. That was what he reminded himself of as he lifted his hips again. He just wanted to touch him, but he did also want to test the waters first.
Nick could faintly hear Scout walking around outside the room, but it didn’t distract him from mindlessly kissing Miles and running his hands down his torso. He wasn’t thinking about how he shouldn’t do this, or who he was doing this with. He just wanted something, and he quickly decided he wanted this. His breath hitched when Miles arched upwards, and letting himself just go with it, he rolled his hips downward. His head dropped down to bury his head in Miles’ neck, trailing a series of kisses along the side of it. Something, though, was stopping him from running his hands further south. When it came to having random hookups after parties, old Nick would have already been in the middle of the ordeal by now. But his hands still remained at Miles’ sides. It felt good, and off at the same time. It didn’t feel real. He could thank the alcohol for that.
Miles was still feeling that confidence, the desire to just go for what he wanted — and he knew exactly what he wanted at the moment. He shifted and started to sit up until Nick got the hint, allowing Miles to flip them over and straddle Nick’s waist instead. He thought he’d gone slow enough by now, considering Nick’s reactions. Miles sat back a bit so he had space to reach between them and get Nick’s belt out of the way, followed by the button and the zipper on his pants. He leaned down to kiss him deeply again, one hand planted on the bed next to Nick’s head while the other dipped below the waistband of his boxers. He may have been forward, but it wasn’t too far fetched from any of his preceding actions. He wasted no time, wrapping his hand around him and moving slowly. He’d been wanting this, and he only hoped it would end up being just as good for Nick.
Nick was essentially just going off instinct, so when Miles began to sit up, Nick followed his lead. And before he knew it, their positions were being flipped and suddenly Miles was on top of him. And he should like it; it should have spurred him on even further. He always liked feeling Miles’ weight against him. Instead, he felt a little caught off guard. The weight was less arousing and more alarming, but he ignored it, because maybe he just wasn’t expecting it. He ignored it and instead kissed Miles’ back roughly, shifting his hips under him almost awkwardly as his friend slipped his hand under his boxers. He murmured something unintelligible against the man’s lips. He still wanted this, he told himself. He needed this, so it was going to happen. Nick’s hands slid up Miles’ back and into his hair, pulling him down closer while bucking his hips up slightly.
Miles had the slightest feeling in the back of his mind that Nick wasn’t totally there, which he chalked up to the alcohol. Things were pretty cloudy overall when they were drunk. Miles liked to think he could read Nick fairly well, at least as much as Nick was willing to let on. But his reactions seemed genuine, and so Miles saw no reason to back off, not until Nick gave him a clear one. He wanted him to feel good, though. Miles wanted Nick to know where he was abd who he was with, not be in a drunken haze through it. He leaned back and pulled his hand free in order to take Nick gently by the wrists and bring them together. He didn’t think twice about it, his left hand pinning them to the bed above Nick’s head, just as a general reminder that he didn’t have to stress or think too much about it; Miles just wanted him to feel good. He kissed the spot right under Nick’s ear, then got close to whisper, “Just relax,” as his free hand slowly made its way back to where it was before.
Nick and Miles had only gotten this far once before, and that seemed like ages ago now. They’d let themselves slip on numerous occasions; they’d kissed. They even did that recently. They hadn’t quite gotten to this point, though, with Miles’ hand down his boxers, stroking him gently. He wanted to melt into it; he wanted to want to do the same for him so badly. He tried to lose himself in the touches, to remind himself that it was Miles and that this was just supposed to be fun. For a second, it worked, but then Miles was taking his wrists in his hands and pinning them over his head. And it didn’t feel like he was with Miles anymore. It sounded like him; it looked like him. He knew it was him. But for a second, all he could picture was someone else pinning his hands over his head in a similar - but completely different way. All he could hear was that voice whispering things to him that he wanted to forget. Things that he was trying to forget by coming out tonight. Those thoughts were enough to ruin everything. “No.” He firmly said, jerking his hands out of Miles’ gentle hold and shaking his head. He scooted back away from him and tried to sit up, fingers grasping the sheets below him tried to stop the bile from rising in his throat. “I’m sorry - I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I was wrong.” Nick’s words sounded jumbled even to his own ears. His head was foggy, and he felt sick to his stomach. All he wanted earlier was to have fun and not have to worry about anything. Now he just wanted to leave. “I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard as he got up, heading to grab his discarded shirt. “I’ve gotta go.”
It was pretty abrupt. One second Miles was lost in the heat of the moment believing everything was fine, and the next Nick was wriggling away from him and telling him no. Miles was drunk, sure, but not enough to not recognize that no meant no and it was time to back off. He leaned back and watched Nick move away from him, explaining that he couldn’t do this. The sudden change was slightly dizzying as Miles worked to wrap his head around what had changed. “Hey,” he said quietly after a moment. He didn’t want to touch Nick and freak him out, but he needed him to know he was hearing him. “Nick, hey. It—it’s fine. We don’t have to do anything.” He followed Nick’s movements with his eyes, watching as he went to pick up his shirt off the floor. “Don’t…” He trailed off. He really didn’t want to overstep, but clearly, he already had in the worst way. “Don’t go. We…we can talk.”
Nick struggled to think clearly as he re-buttoned his pants and pulled on his shirt, but Nick didn’t even have to look at him to tell he was confused. He avoided looking at him completely and shook his head at his words. “I don’t want to talk.” If he’d wanted to talk, he wouldn’t be here in this room with him. “I’m gonna - go somewhere.” Maybe back to the party, maybe he’d take a few more shots so he couldn’t think at all. “Find somebody else.” There was a slight bite to his words. He didn’t mean that. It wasn’t Miles’ fault, and deep down he knew that, but everything was too much. He felt guilty and filthy and defeated all at the same time. “I’ll see you when I see you.”
Miles was taken aback. Part of him was confused, while the other part of him had a vague idea of what was going on based on what he knew — and he felt disgusted with himself, on top of being upset that Nick was speaking to him like he’d done this on purpose. “It’s not like I’m—” He stopped himself. It wasn’t Nick’s fault. He couldn’t help the way he was feeling. Miles couldn’t even begin to imagine the shame, the disgust. It didn’t even slightly compare to now Miles felt now and he had to recognize that. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to do anything. I’m sorry.”
He heard Miles begin to say something, and his heart stuttered in his chest at his tone. Nick closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get a handle of himself, but failed. “I know - I know you didn’t. I’m sorry.” He shouldn’t have lashed out, but he didn’t know what to do or say. He had wanted to do this with Miles. Miles wasn’t doing anything wrong. “I’m the problem, okay? So can we just not talk about it, and go back to the party, please? Or. I’m going to. You can do what you want. I just need to go back out there.”
Miles didn’t know what to say. He knew he couldn’t really help. He couldn’t take away what Nick had gone through. He just wished he had the answers. “You’re not the problem.” He knew what he meant, though. Miles just didn’t want him to see himself as a burden. “Can I, like, call you an Uber home or something?” He stood up from the bed and picked up his own shirt, pulling it over his head. “I want you to be safe.”
Nick didn’t know what to say to him. He just completely ruined the moment - and probably made things weird for Miles. But he couldn’t help it. He wished he could just go through with it and not think about anything. But apparently he wasn’t drunk enough for that yet. “No.” He swallowed again and shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m good. Be careful too, okay?” He hovered by the door, and he wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what to say. “I’ll see you later.” With that, he pulled the door open before softly shutting it behind him, deciding he was going to do his best to forget about what had just happened.
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