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gyusimp · 1 year

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°•300 followers gift! •°

⚠️Warnings: NSFW, MINORS PLEASE DNI!, Smut content, Very explicit content, Dark content, Kidnapping at Kyogoku house, Stockholm syndrome, submissive reader, Female reader, Insults, Inappropiate languaje, Canon Gyutaro. Read at your own risk.

I reached 300 followers! I promised a good smut so here's a gift from me to all of you for being so amazing. I have no words to thank all your support and kind words since the beginning of this adventure on Tumblr, writing for Gyutaro makes me very happy and it also makes me happier to know that I am contributing a little to this fan club of his. Thank you very much so enjoy! 💚

Special thanks for @mrsshabana and her interesting suggestion 👀

It had already been a long time. were they days? Weeks? Months? You don't remember, but since that day your life took a 180 degree turn. You entered the Kyogoku house with the hope that you could have a better life than you've led up to now, even if it meant selling your body as if you meant nothing. They say that money is not everything in life, surely someone who never lacked for anything said it and now here you were, in your training to learn to be a refined and elegant girl capable of attracting clients with something more than just your physical.

It was easy for you to be accepted, you were one of the few most beautiful girls that existed within the Entertainment District, the house would grow enormously with you so if they didn't accept you it would be stupid. Your beauty had saved your life but it had also condemned you in a way, without you knowing it. You didn't even imagine it.

He had seen you. At all hours of the day, although you could not see him he could watch you, from the dark depths of the shadows he watched you. Every step you took, every word you said he could hear you and hell, you were driving him crazy, just looking at you made him want things that had never crossed his mind before in all his long years of life. Would he just keep watching you or would he do something to change his reality?

His selfishness took him too far this time. You were perfect, you were his and he would not allow you to be contaminated by the dirt of any insignificant worm. You were clean and beautiful, he wouldn't let anyone get their hands on you until it was his turn. If someone was going to try you, it would be him, if someone was going to stain you, contaminate you or desecrate you inside this house, it would be him and no one else but him. He wanted that just by seeing you, everyone would know that you were his and no one else's, that you belonged to him, that every corner of your body screamed his name.

Gyutaro Shabana.

That was when his sister let him do as he pleased, it would be easy to invent a rumor about the girl's escape or murder, it didn't matter. Like her, her brother always got what he wanted. He took you all to himself, he owned you in the darkest and most secluded place in the Kyogoku house, the place furthest from all human contact that no one had the slightest idea existed, where he could remind you that you were his when he wanted.

The first few days were difficult, this client took you all to himself and it seemed like he would never let you go. That twisted idea had no place in your head, you cried, you got angry but no matter how big a scandal you made you couldn't escape from his side.

Those days are just memories now, vague memories where you still can't understand how your way of thinking changed by being by his side. As if you felt anger and frustration when you saw him, you went from wanting him in the same way and doing whatever this man could think of. It would be enough for him to snap his fingers to have you on your knees in front of him completely at his will, because you were his.

Summer was just arriving, the nights, despite being windy, were still hot and irritating. You were in the same place you had been since he took you in trying to find a way to deal with the high temperatures in the environment. Small amounts of sweat began to dampen your body under your clothes, your loose hair was a torment and that feeling between your legs was too annoying. It wasn't because you felt aroused, just the heat made your panties feel very wet for some reason and that was starting to irritate you. When suddenly, he appeared.

Your heart skipped a beat at the sight of him, your heartbeat quickened, and thrilling joy blossomed from the depths of your chest.

"Gyutaro-sama!" You squealed with excitement.

He walked towards you and you just greeted him as usual. You sat on your knees with both hands resting on the ground in front of you as he continued to move closer to you. You looked at him happily, waiting for his return greeting. Gyutaro watched you from above, from head to toe. He noticed the big blush that was painted on your face, how little hairs stuck to your forehead and shoulders due to your sweating and then he looked down at your chest. Your kimono was slightly open because you were trying to freshen up a few minutes ago, which left the beginning of your breasts exposed, making Gyutaro start to feel hard.

He cupped your chin in his thin, bony fingers and forced you to look into his eyes.

"It's hot in here, don't you think?" he asked, with a lazy smile.

"O-Of course, it's quite annoying!"

He kept looking at you "It's different for demons but..." he placed his thumb over your lips, touching them with his fingertip noticing that they were a bit dry. "I suppose you'd do anything to get some water, wouldn't you?"

Water. That would be the solution, you were dying and you didn't know why but Gyutaro had given you the answer. You were probably dehydrated so that was what would get rid of this unbearable heat.

"Yes! You're right!" You answered agitated. "You could get me some, right? You are very good to me, Gyutaro-sama. Could you get me some water?" You asked, eager to hear an answer as you rubbed your face in the palm of his hand as if you were a cat happy to see its owner after a day without seeing him.

Gyutaro laughed after hearing your request. "Of course! You know I can give you whatever you want, as long as you do your part...would you do what daddy asks, sweetie?" He asked.

"Y-yes! Of course I do!" You responded excitedly, almost jumping in place to get closer to him and hold his hands. "You know I would do anything for you, I'm yours!"

Gyutaro watched you with a mocking smile, he thought you were desperately pathetic and that turned him on too much. He loved seeing you so desperate and surrendered at his feet, willing to leave you in his hands so that he could do what he wanted with you.

"Then you'll have to take care of this." Gyutaro took a part of your hair to pull it and bring your head closer to his hip in an abrupt way, to bury your face in his crotch making his length crash against your face. "Look what you've done, my little slut…you'll take care of it."

Gyutaro pulled your hair again and forcefully threw you to the ground so that you were lying on your back. He didn't wait another minute to loom over you in an imposing way and watch you eager to do with you what he wanted.

He took the red ribbon around his neck and took it off, took your hands and tied them above your head to hold you steady. Immediately after, Gyutaro grabbed the collar of your kimono with one hand and pulled it down with all his might to open it, ripping your obi and the rest of the garment leaving you completely naked since you weren't wearing any underwear. Gyutaro looked at you carefully and made fun of you when he saw your extremely flushed face, trying to cover you but your hands were tied.

"What a pathetic and poor girl...I will make you feel like never before." He said between laughs.

Gyutaro settled on you and took your knees with both hands to separate them and open your legs wide, finding your cunt naked and already very wet. He licked his lips and without wasting another minute he pounced on you to start tasting you.

Gyutaro squeezed your thighs hard, making you moan shakily the moment his tongue made contact with your slippery folds. Your hips moved in circles to one side and the other to try to get more pleasure than what Gyutaro was already giving you. You could feel his tongue and teeth running all over your wet vagina, he didn't take breaks, he just devoured you completely like there was no tomorrow. After his mouth had been in each and every one of the corners of your core, he separated from you with a snap coming from his mouth after having made one last suck.

You could feel how wet you were between your legs, a part of your juices had trickled down your butt, wetting your thighs and crotch, mixing with Gyutaro's thick saliva. When he separated from you, a transparent thread was the only thing that united him between your pussy and his mouth. His lips were wet, drops dripping from the corners of his mouth to his chin and he wiped them away with the back of his hand. You felt very aroused and the best of all is that all this was just beginning.

You gave Gyutaro a submissive but daring smile, letting him know you needed more from him. Sometimes, he just bothered you, stimulating you for a while, making you believe that he would fuck you, but actually, he ended up getting up and leaving on purpose, leaving you irritated and desperate. The times when this happened, you usually ended up masturbating, but it was nothing like when Gyutaro did it to you.

"Aren't you going to continue? I thought you wanted to" you said, feigning sadness. "I need more of you and you know it..." your legs stayed open on your own and you weren't going to close them. Gyutaro was in front of you so your intention was that your open and wet cunt was under his gaze to seduce him. "Sure? You don't want to continue?" You asked, you started rubbing against the futon you were lying on to tease him, Gyutaro untied your hands and you lowered your fingers into your pussy. "I'm yours, Gyutaro...see?" You took your labia and spread them wide to expose your wet folds and swollen, throbbing clit to begin rubbing it with your fingers slowly and carelessly until your movements became faster and more rushed as you began to feel more pleasure. "Don't you want to do this? Don't you want to touch me and do everything you want to me?...that's what I'm for!" Your voice was desperate and a bit demanding begging for him. "I told you you could do whatever you want to me so here I am, see?" You said, and you spread your legs more showing Gyutaro your vagina. "Th-this cunt is yours Gyutaro-o...aahh...it's all yours and you can do whatever you want, whatever you want but I-I need you inside, I need you inside of me...j-just take me and do what you want, open me as wide as you can and fuck me until you can't anymore...fuck this little pussy and make me feel complete! Do it Gyutaro-sama!"

Gyutaro removed your hand from your vagina before you could cum on your own, grabbed your hair and turned you to place your chest on the futon, exposing your back. He took you by the waist with both hands hard and put them under you to squeeze your tits making you gasp. Gyutaro came closer to you and lowered one of his hands towards your pussy to insert his fingers directly into your wet hole. Every time Gyutaro moved and arched his fingers inside you there were wet sounds that caused you to get more and more wet.

Your eyes were blank and a thread of saliva ran down your mouth to your chin while you couldn't stop moaning desperately.

"I love to make my whore happy!" Gyutaro said, full of pride in himself. "Do you really want me to do everything you said? Well...you asked for it."

Gyutaro took his hand out of your pussy with another loud sound caused by your juices, he took your hip and made you lift it up, leaning on your knees but without letting your tits come off the futon, arching your back. The only view Gyutaro had now was of your ass so in awe of the view he gave you a hard and painful spank that made you moan. Your ass was on top so he didn't have a perfect view of your hole unlike when he just spreads your legs to fuck you. Gyutaro lowered his hand to your pussy again and began to touch you "looking for your hole" while with the other hand he pulled out his hard dick dripping from his pants and when he finally knew where to enter, he rammed you and penetrated you the first time making you scream with a bang painful pleasure. Your hands were clinging to the futon trying to hold you steady but Gyutaro was too strong and moved too fast. "Is that okay? Is that how you wanted me to fuck you?" he asked sarcastically. Gyutaro cupped your pussy with both thumbs and spread it open to expose your swollen folds. "That's how you wanted me to fuck and open you, right bitch? To fill you up and make you dirty with me, to stain you and make you impure! Are you enjoying it now? Is your pathetic cunt better now or will it still be dripping and writhing for me until i destroy it?!" He spoke mockingly.

You were dying in every way, this hurt as fuck but the pleasure that Gyutaro gave you was completely indescribable, his thick cock was demolishing you but that was what you wanted and you didn't care that your legs and your entire cunt hurt tomorrow and during some days. This is why you were by his side, right? Gyutaro took you by the hips as he dug into you, squeezing your ass and showering you with insults and dirty words, he pulled your hair up to see your expression and your eyes rolling up non-stop moaning until he kissed you abruptly without stopping moving. Gyutaro kept going until he realized how tight your pussy was, your body began to shake and your hair was a mess mixing on your face with your tears, sweat and saliva. Your entire cunt trembled and after feeling that perfect sensation of burning and pleasure at the tip of your clit, you cum. You cum all over Gyutaro's dick just like he did inside you, his release so great that it began to overflow through your folds until it seeped out of your vagina and trickled down your crotch, thighs and knees until it dripped onto the futon and created a small thick puddle under both of them. This orgasm was a relief for you, after having come all you could do was fall on the futon without caring how you got daub in your semen and Gyutaro's. Your eyelids were starting to feel too heavy until you started to close your eyes.

You couldn't even get the water that Gyutaro had promised you because after that amazing fuck, you fell asleep or passed out even with Gyutaro deep inside you. Maybe you had reached your limit but... are you sure that Gyutaro too?

#gyutaro x reader #gyutaro #gyutaro smut #gyutaro shabana #fem reader #smut #minors do not interact #minors dont read #not safe for minors #kny smut #demon slayer smut #kimetsu no yaiba smut

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pippin-pippout · 3 months

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My Demon Finale + Final Thoughts

Ok My Demon was cute. I really appreciated that the last episode was mostly all wrapping things up. We got resolution on every character, each completed their arc or did what was natural for them.

We had just the right amount of angst for this story - the villains were scary, but not enough to turn this into more of a thriller than a romance, or to detract too much from the ultimately happy ending. Sure they were nice and twisted and messed up, following the well formulated pattern. I don't need anything more.

And I really did love the 'good guy' characters in this show - I never felt like any side was getting too much attention at the cost of another or of the story.

For like the first half of this show I thought her not-cousin (you know the smart one/second male lead) was gonna turn out to be evil. Like I was convinced that psycho-dad was just a distraction. I'm really happy I was wrong. Also thrilled to see him become absolute besties with Gu-won. In fact I am more thrilled than Gu-won is.

Similarly happy for sword-dance girl, who kept saying she was leaving to the point I was like 'then why haven't you?' and then when she's about to, she finds a reason (a real reason) to stay. I feel like she and psycho-dad's wife will do a lot of good for children in the future.

Seeing the son before his dad could completely destroy him was a somewhat formulaic choice, but it's a formula for a reason, and I did really feel for him. Even before that, I had hoped he would survive. everything and be able to heal. The writing/acting choices for his character were good in that, in most of his interactions with Do Do-He, I felt like something non-villainous was behind the curtain - even before the abuse was revealed. I couldn't tell if he liked her or was trying to warn her or was looking for her to save him, but I appreciated that the reveal that he wasn't the villain actually had some foundation. I'm glad he was posthumously cleared and that his mom will hopefully learn from this shit to help others.

Eunni with her two sons continue to be ridiculous, but harmless as always. A nice bow-tie comedic moment. Sure she was one of the 'bad guys' but they're always there, and considering the rest of her family, she honestly was the most normal. And I think the narrative did try to show that she was at least a good mom.

Ms. Shin and the past lives/aka Fuck You guy! They are so weird for each other and I love that for them. Not me though. Did not need more of their makeouts. I freaking loved Ms. Shin throughout everything though. Such a good balance of no-nonsense with compassion.

Our comedic relief third wheels - the PR trio and the dogs/parsnips - both fun. The ex-mob brows definitely won for me (they did have a dog). Every time Gu-won wouldn't acknowledge them my heart broke a little. Glad the writers understood that and gave us their happy ending.

I liked this portrayal of God. Very 'I don't know what the fuck is going on either but good luck' with a side of compassion rather than just dropping riddles and life lessons (those were learned along the way anyway). Felt more realistic.

And for the main couple, I'm happy we got to see their version of a silly fight, because couples fight, and that makes me believe their happy ending more (also so thankful to have a show with a demon main character have his love interest play hymns and prayers when they're arguing).

I really thought when Gu-won came back, he'd be human, and it'd be all 'perfect.' But I kind of love that he's a demon and the little-shitness of his character as a demon (yet is afraid of pissing off his wife who puts stickers on his demon manual). Also good for Do Do-hee having a demon on speed dial is useful af.

Anyway, they established that she'd continue to age and eventually die, and that it was ok because impermanence is what makes this, and every moment, so not insignificant. I felt like he would happily accompany her beyond when the time comes, but for the time being they're able to live knowing every second matters, the good and the bad, and be happy to have them.

A sweet show with a sweet ending; just what I needed tonight.

#my demon #song kang #kim yoo jung #jeong guwon #do do hee

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macbethz · 1 year

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its very common for things to start with a story of the week format before they go into the longer-form plot but what i absolutely ADORE is when the particularly memorable story of the week events are just as impactful to the protagonists and end up being relevant throughout rather than instantly forgotten by the larger narrative.

edward elric finishing the series by saying "we're insignificant humans who couldn't even save a little girl" bc he carried Nina's death through the whole adventure...the transient riots that started transmetropolitan becoming a symbolic touchstone for the entire series...capaldi starting his run of doctor who by referencing a character he played in one episode 10 years ago and the deep impact that had on the doctor...no one talk to me

#warlock wartalks #just finished transmetropolitan having thoughts and feelings

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ladynyctophilia · 4 years

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Avoiding Red

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Mature Themes

Pairings: Vivienne Tang x MC (Rozario)

(Vivienne’s point of view.)

Tick, tick, tick…

Hours had passed, but Vivienne was stuck in time. Her long, slender hands gripped the sides of the vanity. It was the only thing that kept her tethered to the real world. She didn't know how long she'd been standing like that. Hours? Minutes? She was in a statue like trance—a statue on the break of collapsing.

Rozario.

Rozario was gone.

My Rozario.

Vivienne blinked, wide-eyed and trembling, like an animal caught in a cage, struggling to control the storm of emotion that churned inside. She glanced at the mirror but hissed as the invisible noose yanked her gaze away. She choked.

I'm a monster.

But her gaze hardened.

No. Look at yourself.

Begrudgingly, Vivienne lifted her head, heavy with demons, and locked eyes with the enemy in the mirror. Herself.

I promised her.

Vivienne declared to herself, unblinking, her heart pounded as threatening as a war drum. The Poppy escaped, but at what cost? Their newest member paid the price. It made Vivienne want to wrap herself up in a black hole and cease to exist. Without Rozario to color her life, she felt empty, numb to everything. A woman in red, walking alone in a world of black and white. No diamonds could satisfy this river of misery. How long could she swim before she drowned?

If I held on tighter...

A crack of emotion rippled across Vivienne's features as an anguished cry ripped out from her throat. She never cried, but here she was crying, screaming with the voice of a thousand sirens, shoving off all the contents on her vanity. Glass shattered, and the sound of chaos became her music: dance sad girl, dance.

Glass soared in every direction, obliterated on the floor. The perfume began to pool out and around the shattered bottles, like blood escaping the veins. Some shards of glass even managed to puncture Vivienne's skin, but she didn't notice, or maybe she didn't care. Besides her jagged breaths, the room was quiet again. The smells, however, were quite loud, tangling for dominance.

I can't do this.

Vivienne thought to herself as her hair ghosted over the glass-covered surface of the vanity. With shame, the tears were beginning to burn, so she stroked her ring in search for comfort, but it brought her none. No. With quick realization, Vivienne gasped, yanking the ring off as if it might burn her. The last person she used it on was Rozario. Her heart did a few somersaults—the bad kind.

I stabbed Rozario.

Her breath hitched.

I poisoned her.

Making a choice was one thing, but accepting it? Her body collapsed on the vanity, tears mapping down her already wet cheeks. This crippling burden made it to overwhelming to stand. Like a racehorse pushing past its limit, she wasn't physically unable to continue. Besides her rapid breaths, she didn't make a sound and completely disregarded the state of her makeup.

There was no other choice.

A voice from a past Vivienne chimed in. A last-minute attempt to justify what she had done.

Without that poison to slow down her heart, she would have bled out.

"She could already be dead," Vivienne winced. She could feel what was left of her heart sliding into the pit of her stomach. Vivienne groaned into a cough, clearing her throat. "Ugh," Vivienne silently cursed in french, rubbing her temples to soothe a growing headache.

Okay. That's enough.

She needed to get up. She needed a plan.

After that, much-needed outburst, Vivienne had once more regained control and recovered her mask, but she felt terrifyingly empty. Like everything human had been stolen with Rozario, but finally, Vivienne found her feet, dragging her gloved hands down her rapidly aging face.

Fuck.

Vivienne thought as she glanced at the mirror and took in her appearance. Emotions were never good for the skin.

Regret hung in the air, and a small part of her knew she should have just left in Venice like she originally planned. Then this day would have never happened. Rozario would have never been shot, and Vivienne wouldn't have known this avalanche of agony. She had tolerated heartbreak before, but never to this extent. It was like the entire world had swallowed her, with nowhere else to run, and when there was no escape, Vivienne would make her own escape.

Rozario was gone.

She repeated in her head. The one-hundredth declaration was not as grueling, but none of The Poppy knew where their prized artist was….or IF she was. Seeing Rozario fall off the helicopter was like something from a bad dream, but it wasn’t a dream. She winced at the memory. The gamble with the poison might have saved Rozario from bleeding out, but it didn't save Vivienne from the betrayal that masked Rozario's face. Vivienne didn't have time to explain, and now she might never get to explain, and maybe that was the best thing for Rozario. A reminder to the young artist that life with The Poppy wasn't a vacation, yes they lived a life of freedom, but at the end of the day they were criminals with a lot of money on their heads.

Very suddenly, Vivienne became acutely aware of the objects in her room that were stained with Rozario's presence. Her eyes twitched, and her mind went from everything to radio silence. Rozario's half-finished sketchbook rested on the table with a dull pencil nested nearby, and near the door were her sandals, worn from their lighthearted adventures in the major cities they've visited, and Vivienne didn't even want to begin thinking about her lover's clothes that waited to be worn in HER closet.

Oh no. Don't look.

She looked. She looked at the bed, their bed. It's where Rozario should be right now. Nowhere else. With possessiveness, the fire was relit and bulldozed over any control that Vivienne had JUST regained, and without skipping a beat, Vivienne went on a rampage. The thief was no longer in control of her own body as she ripped down the curtains, pushed over the couch, flipped over the table, and shattered every mirror insight. Red. Red. Red. RED!!! With her leather gloves torn, blood now dripped from Vivienne's clenched fists, a matching addition to her cape, but Vivienne remained unfazed as she turned her gaze towards her next victim.

The bed.

Bundling up the expensive sheets in her arms, Vivienne marched over to the open window and flung the sheets out, watching as they were stolen by the wind and never seen again.

Huffing and puffing, Vivienne was breathing like she had just finished a marathon and lost. Even the air was begging for mercy, but a spark of morning temporarily blinded her.

How DARE you.

Vivienne's gaze pierced out the window as shades of purples and pinks bled into the Paris skies. The world had no knowledge of Vivienne's grief. It merely just carried on without being swayed. It was a reminder of how insignificant their lives really were. That was a nature Vivienne desired to possess, but when it came to her precious Rozario, she couldn't. Shame. It was going to be a beautiful sunrise, if not day. She blinked out tears, a cool down from her rage as she admired the delicate colors that swam in the skies. It reminded her of Rozario.

A heavy fisted knock jerked Vivienne out of her head. Leon.

"Vivienne?" Leon called out in a gentle voice as if she might come out and bite.

Oh, Leon.

She could hear his big feet shuffling around nervously.

"Yes, darling?" She answered, but made no move to open the door, purposefully restraining any emotion in her voice that would give her away. Now, she had time to examine the full state of her room. It was a mess to say the least, and with the sun on the rise, many pieces of shattered glass glittered like a thousand tiny suns smiling at Vivienne specifically. She glared at them in return. Besides the glass, the bed was no more, if it wasn't broken, it was turned over, and the few plants that Vivienne kept were smashed on the ground. Leon couldn't see this or the state she was in. NONE of The Poppy could see this. She could feel the warmth of their concern from miles away, and she knew that Rozario held a special place in each of their hearts too...but with Rozario gone, Vivienne remained more distant than.

"Zoe tracked the people who took Rozario. She's alive, and they have her in a hospital, eight hours away from Paris." Leon did well to hide the urgency in his voice, but the low rumbles of concern gave him away. "We don't know how long we have."

There was a pause as Vivienne closed her eyes, allowing the new information to seep into her being, finding strength from it. Rosario was alive. That should have been enough to lift her injured spirit, but knowing that the government had her amor in their clutches was enough to make Vivienne see RED.

"Red…." she breathed, knowing the wave of temporary contentment the safe word would bring. "C-can you get us there in five?" Vivienne spoke up, a little shakier than she wanted.

"Easily," Leon declared without an ounce of hesitation. He was always the hero. Vivienne could have smiled at that, but she didn't.

Now shaking, Vivienne let out a tired sigh, "wonderful," she almost laughed, "I will be out in five." Leon didn't respond, and Vivienne could hear the jingle of keys as his heavy steps faded away. They had an understanding. No words were necessary. Rozario was in a hospital, and they were going to get her out. It wouldn't be the first time Vivienne had broken someone out of jail. Leon and Nadia were proof. How could a hospital be different, if not easier?

After Leon left to start the car, Vivienne excused herself to the bathroom. There wasn't any time to reapply a full face of makeup, but she recovered what she could, and exactly five minutes later, Vivienne marched out of her room with her red cape in tow and red lipstick threatening. Vivienne Tang was a woman in love, and the universe feared for whoever dared to stand in Vivienne Tang's way. They were going to get Rozario back because she was a Poppy and The Poppy were masters of doing the impossible.

To be continued....

#vivienne tang #vivienne x mc #queen of thieves lovestruck #leon kwan #lovestruck #fanfiction #HEIST GONE WRONG #angst #being gay and doing crimes

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polyamoroamer · 4 years

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Webs and Nets

I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want out of life, what I can offer the world and those around me, and what I need to grow and change. I think we all have.

The world right now is in flux. It is a scary time and scary place. We have violent men in power; rising bigotry and hatred; a global pandemic with hundreds of thousands dead; rampant transphobia and rampant racism; police brutality against those who dare to rise up for peace, for strength and for love. We live in a dystopian novel.

But the thing is that we always have, in many ways. Native Americans are still living through the apocalypse that decimated their ancestors and stole their land; African Americans are still living through the apocalypse that pillaged them from their homes and forced them into slavery thousands of leagues away. The legacy of horror continues. This is not new. But what we are seeing right now is a pinch point, an historical time where things could swing toward the better, the brighter future.

During lockdown I have been keeping away from people almost totally, as my grandmother whom I shop for and visit is 97 next week and I want her to see 100. I went to one BLM rally, the biggest protest I've ever seen in my predominantly white little conservative town. Bigger even than our ridiculously large Pride (we have a truly exemplary number of radical LGBTQ+ people for such a Tory stronghold). But I have not stepped out past that, as it was simply impossible to socially distance, and I am protecting someone.

I have been working hard on the campervan conversion, building the bathroom and starting the kitchen cabinets. I'm considering linking this blog with my real life at last, so may eventually post photos of it when it's finished. I've complained about it to you friends enough!

I started a new kids' novel about a trans girl who finds out she is a witch and navigates the difficulties of coming out to her parents and living as openly trans at school, and learns magic at the same time.

I've cut the pieces out for so many new items of clothing to sell, and am hopefully going to sew them all soon.

It sounds very productive but it doesn't feel it. Every step is three steps backward before I can move on, every day feels like a punch. I've been creating out of desperation, trying to justify my use of oxygen and food and space by making things.

A few weeks ago on the Solstice that came to a head. Dash and I were going to go out in the campervan and trip for the first time since last summer. But I couldn't fix the leaking skylight (again), I took hours longer trying to make it work than I should have done, and finally when the time came to leave, we picked up my mattress to put in the camper and it had been utterly ravaged by mould.

This might sound like only a minor setback, but to me it was breaking point. That mattress has changed my life. I woke up in the mornings without pain, able to get up and go whether I did my morning yoga or not. I slept soundly, heavily. I dreamed strange dreams and I felt rested. I didn't hurt. It was a £1800 mattress I found secondhand for £250. And I ruined it. It felt like the perfect coming together of all of my failures as an activist, as a child, as a partner, as a creator, a builder, an adult, a grandchild, a sibling, performer, writer, as a human being. Through my own negligence I destroyed something very expensive to replace that had supported me, cradled me, held me and become my haven and sanctuary.

So I had a pretty solid breakdown. I slid back into old habits, the clawing of skin and banging of heads. I had a headache for days. It felt so ridiculous. Such a small, insignificant thing to go wrong when compared with the huge issues facing vast swathes of humanity. But as we all know, often the thing that sets off the breakdown is not the biggest issue. It's just the last little drip that makes the bucket start overflowing.

Since then I have had several smaller incidents in a similar vein, and every time I mock myself for them.

But I am lucky. My mother and my partner, and most of my family really, are all very supportive of my, and one another's, difficulties. When I fuck up and spiral into a self-destructive vortex, my loved ones give me space to recover, help me to fix the problems, and unquestioningly forgive my mistakes. It's astounding to me, the amount of patience they can have with me, when in my own eyes I am a ceaseless burden and chronic fuck up. They hold my hand and tell me I am wanted, I am loved and it is a pleasure and joy to be with me. They help me to repair or replace or heal or learn. They love me.

And in this I come to see how similar we are. Because I do the same for them. When Dash makes a mistake and becomes convinced he's always just an accident waiting to happen, I reassure him, help him to fix the problem, and give him space to stew. When my mum panics two or three times a day over technical issues, I swoop in to save the day. When Nanny Ogg puts herself down because she believes the voice of her abuser, I swamp her with verbal affirmation and love.

We all take care of each other. We are all parts of the web. Or really it's more like a net, with no one person at the centre. Everyone looks after everyone.

I want to expand this network. Recently I have been trying something new in my relationships. Whenever I think positively about someone, I send them a message, even if it's only 'hey, how are you? Thinking of you'. This is a hard practice to get into, because it requires fighting executive dysfunction and social anxiety and depression to reach out even when I don't feel like it.

But I have frequently not done this, and people have died suddenly, and I have felt so guilty for not having sent those messages. Many, many loved ones right now are suddenly seriously ill or abruptly gone. And I can't afford to not send every loving message that pops into my head because the grief and guilt are just too much the way it stands.

When faced with that stick, it's much easier to pursue the carrot.

I have felt very alone and very grief-stricken for a long time, and so have many of us. COVID is just the latest upheaval and tragedy in many people's lives. We're almost numb to fear and grief, but not quite. We're just full up. But we are not alone, and it's up to us to remind other people that they aren't either. As we show love, so we shall be shown love.

So right now I am throwing nets wide, throwing love out into the world and reminding the people I like that I care about them. Because I want to forge new relationships, rebuild old ones, and create unity and community with the people around me. What does it matter what form those relationships take, as long as they exist and are nutritious to our hearts and souls?

The world is hard right now, and we can't survive it alone. But together we have a chance, and if we don't start now, when will we?

#Polyamoroamer #Polyamory #Polyamorous #Polyamoroaming #Anarchy #Net #Webs #Support network #Support networks #Nets #Love #Community #Friendship

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