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sixthwater · 2 years

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Hello again~! Welcome to this special PAC welcoming my two newest dark decks to the family! Today we are going over quite a bit using quite a lot, so I hope you have a glass of water and a snack, and that you enjoy!

Decks Used: The Rider-Waite Tarot, Tarot of the Divine, Woodland Wardens Orace, The Horror Tarot, The Abandoned Oracle

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Pile One

How You View Them: Wheel of Fortune Rx, X of Cups, Death, II of Swords

How They View You: VIII of Cups Rx, VIII of Swords Rx, Ace of Swords, Ace of Pentacles Rx

You view your future spouse as someone who tends to attract bad luck but that’s mainly due to that hesitation. They can be a bit of a ‘sourpuss’ is what I’m getting, because they get a bit stuck on the fact that these things happen to them, and either forget how it got to that point or the blessings in disguise that come from it. It’s not that they’re indecisive, but they can overthink or get cold feet when it’s time to sign on the dotted line, if I were to put it in another way. They start to wonder about the what-ifs and if there are any other paths or what the negative possibilities of their choices are, so then they get a little frozen. There are moments where they might make a rash decision due to an adrenaline rush, but those moments are very rare, and probably due to feeling very passionate about a project or issue. Either way, you see them dealing with their setbacks and troubles beautifully. Despite them mulling over their issues, you see them learning and growing consistently, and never being fooled by the same trick twice. I’m getting the imagery of someone looking through a photo album and every picture of them is different, like they’re going through different phases every five years or so? That’s how your future spouse is but it’s more internally – emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. Due to this, I believe you think they make a perfect partner and parent. They cover or soothe some fears you have, and some insecurities you have about the big scary world of parenting isn’t so bad with them there by your side. They also feel very sweet on your side. Like the type to either have a child who’s a ‘Daddy’s Girl / Momma’s Boy’ or struggle to punish their kid. I’ve been watching Everybody Hates Chris lately and I’m thinking of the scenes where right before Julius has to talk to his kids, he goes through like four stages of grief before he pulls himself together lol, it’s cute.

On the flip side, your FS views you as elusive? Hehe I love when this happens. I’ve been ignoring the music for the most part but Never Close Our Eyes by Adam Lambert came on and I wanted to check it immediately and this lyric yelled at me: ‘It's so hard to think this could fade away, but what goes up must come down’. Which, along with the chorus, sums it up I think. They see you as someone who is a breath of fresh air in a way. You feel very fast over here. It quite literally feels like air blowing through my fingers. They see you as someone who has witty thoughts and can be charming in quick bursts, like someone who drops a corny joke out of the blue, riding off of someone else’s story. However behind all of that, they feel like you’re about to slip away from them at the same time? It’s not necessarily like you’re not relationship material, but they’re worried about if they commit, will they get hurt (their overthinking). You’re someone who they believe has been able to free themselves from a lot of heartache thanks to past beliefs or relationships, but you also don’t want to put yourself back out there and risk hurting yourself again. So it’s like you’re there but you’re not fully there / opening yourself up. Might be a Scorpio – Gemini dynamic lmao. They want to be there for you to help you actually absolve the root of your worries because while you seem to have moved on, there are still some small things that will trigger that worry for you which they notice (they’re pretty observant). Now Every Heart by BoA is playing, you may look up the lyric translation. I think the whole song resonates.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Hierophant, Ace of Swords, II of Swords, V of Pentacles Rx, Queen of Swords, The Antelope and Wheat Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: The Hanged Man, The Devil, VII of Wands, IX of Wands, The Bear and Cedar Rx

**Quickly. Animal by Neon Trees and then Super Freak by Rick James played while I was shuffling. Anyway.

Your favorite traits are pretty funny. I think I mentioned it before, but your FS seems to ground you and make you feel safe in a way. Right here it seems to be that they take the lead in some way and make you feel comforted when you don’t necessarily feel like being ‘the adult’ in a situation. At the same time, in areas where they’re not so strong, that’s where you can come in to boost them up and act like a shoulder for them to lean on – so you like how balanced the relationship is overall, in a sense. You like that while your FS is very traditional, they’re not afraid to communicate and ask you for help. To let you know that they’re struggling and your advice or time would be really nice. Also, when mentioning traditional, I don’t really see them being strictly traditional. They have the guidelines of ‘okay we have the commitment, we have someone who will mainly look after the ‘kids’ per say, we have someone who is the main breadwinner’ etcetc, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be exactly those things, they just need the guidelines – the structure so they know they can fall back onto something. Kids can be pets, there can be someone who mainly looks after the kids but they still have a side or main job, maybe they just chose to. It’ll be different depending on the relationship. You really appreciate that they stress the importance of communication as well. I have to imagine that this person either has a bad work-life balance or is too much in their head, because they might need a lot of friends or family to remind them to take a break. However, because they always have this front of being put together, it’s nice to know that they’re not afraid to show this other side of themselves either. They also don’t put up with any bullshit either, and that includes you I believe. If there is an issue within the relationship or they’re bothered by something, they won’t just sulk over it without talking to you, and you really appreciate that.

On the flip side, your FS really appreciates your drive. You seem unstoppable to them; whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing is up to the situation at hand. The Devil is represented by the story of a snake that is hoarding gold that it doesn’t need, but it’s going to harm anyone who tries to take it. Mesh that with the seven of wands that’s represented by John Henry, and the nine of wands which is a girl dealing with baba yaga; your FS views you as a person who is very defensive of themselves and this connection overall. They appreciate the fact that while you fight for what you believe in, you know when to protect yourself from things or people that don’t serve you. The healing might need work, or they might’ve met you at a time while you were in the middle of healing deep wounds. However you’re coming off as very fiery or airy to them, but it’s attractive to them nonetheless. I think a small worry for them throughout this entire piece is that they might want to remind you to slow down and take care of yourself because I keep hearing this and currently Here We Go Again by Paramore is playing. They like that you’re unrelenting of the space that you’ve acquired, but I keep wanting to include your relationship as well. I don’t believe that it’s in danger or anything, but it’s included with you having to struggle with your personal happiness being denied and you finally have something good so you don’t want to even bother with people who won’t be happy for you. Honestly this was pretty straight-forward, I think they might speak more in the next section, but they’re really proud of you and it’s more of a concern than anything.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Page of Cups Rx, Wheel of Fortune Rx, The Magician, Knight of Swords, Distortion Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: King of Wands Rx, Queen of Pentacles Rx, Ten of Cups, Ace of Pentacles, The Feeding Rx

Your message is. Interesting. I’m going to explain and sum things up at the end of these. You don’t like how logical and dry your FS can get. There isn’t a lot of emotion or passion here, and when there is, it can come off as immature or irrational to you. Like you’re not understanding where the outbursts are coming from, and to you it seems a bit unfair or ‘unlucky’. Honestly with this imagery, it kind of feels like you’re the woman on the wheel and they’re throwing all of the weapons at you, but the weapons are their insults or accusations. So to you it seems like they’re hot and cold, they seem okay and loving one day but the next day they can be really cold and like they’re shrugging you off. It can also feel like they’re watching you like a hawk and toying with your emotions at times.

Now your FS feels like you’re not trying hard enough in the connection. I’m not going to lie, these aren’t very pretty cards, but this deck can be exaggerative. Both the court cards here look like they’re scheming, and the king has a mask on. They don’t like the sides of you that can come off as domineering, and only use people for your benefits and when they ask for things in return or they’re starting to bother you, you start to get annoyed and try to ghost them. They feel as if all of their actions and love is not being reciprocated or wasted – it’s draining them at the end of the day. When you look at the ten of cups, it starts off full but it can’t make it down to the bottom few, one barely has any on it. Plus with the ace, they feel like you present empty promises at times (the hand is presenting a foundation sure, but it’s not connected to the rest of the body)

What I believe is happening here is quite literally just a miscommunication, I don’t think it’s this heavy lmao. Either this is someone with a false start, or you will struggle a bit in the beginning. There’s a lot of you dealing with your own healing, so I doubt you will be too focused on anything regarding love really, meanwhile this other person seems to care for you a lot but their way of wanting to help seems to be…well, love. So this issue here is that someone feels like they’re being taken advantage of but that’s not what’s happening. It might have to deal with former past connections on your FS’ side and their worry that it’s happening again. The Distortion card upright deals with mood swings, and reversed it means seeing things clearly or sound judgement. So I believe that your FS is just very anxious and worried that this connection is a repeat of past issues, but it’s not. You are worried about healing, and you’re worried about the same thing but in a different sense. You guys are dancing the same dance but different versions with different steps is all. Communication is definitely recommended but I’m not too worried about it <3

Before starting this pile I wanted to listen to a mix based around Sub Urban songs, and most of them have a grunge, dark feeling to them. The lyrics themselves aren’t necessarily always dark though, they can be quite fun or eccentric, even outside of Sub Urban. I think this is a connection that’s going to be quite in your face and flushes out emotions that you need to get rid of, or if you’re not careful or have good boundaries, can feel like Bandit by Sub Urban.

Pile Two

How You View Them: The Tower, Death, King of Swords, VII of Cups

How They View You: The High Priestess Rx, X of Swords Rx, IV of Swords Rx, IX of Pentacles

Your FS leaves an impact on you, way after your first meeting. The End Is Where We Begin is playing and all the lines like ‘I'm an alien' cause I'm not of this world’ give off the energy of your FS. I think there will be moments where you wake up and just stare at them like ‘yeah, I’m glad I chose you’. The moment you saw them you were sure they were the one. It’s not necessarily the whole inner knowing thing, but it’s how they hold themselves. It’s a quiet confidence and how they can command a room, even if they’re not doing anything. They can seem a bit larger than life and also a bit nit-picky because I’ve been bothered by something else for the past fifteen minutes when I’ve been trying to focus, and I’ve noticed that the King of Swords seems waaaay bigger than the other objects in his card. Plus Death is above everyone else in their card. They seem to not be a person of many words, and it’s more like their actions is what you notice the most about them, or that’s what leaves the strongest impression on you and that’s what wants to come through. An interesting thing is that in The Tower card it seems like they are the ones throwing these people out, and it’s not necessarily their energy. You view them as someone to not be crossed. Your FS views you as someone very gentle and soft. Honestly, ‘a catch’ was one of the first lines that came through my mind. I think a piece of them sees you as disconnected from your higher self or maybe religion, if they’re religious? You’re operating more from a physical / material point of view in their eyes. They see that you have a lot of material assets (I hear rewards or profits, things to be proud of it doesn’t have to necessarily present itself as actual money), but you keep it protected. Also just now processing that Bad Girls by M.I.A was playing as I was trying to break down this card. So to them you seem very calm and mature and handle yourself well in those aspects. I want to get into these swords cards because they seem interesting. They came out right after the other so it’s like your FS will take notice of you knowing when and how long you need to heal. You are unapologetic of it and when the time is ready you’ll ‘remove the swords’, but you’ll always be ready to run back into hiding if you need more time to tend to your wounds. So, if I can step in really quick, they believe that you are out of sync with your higher self or not fully in tune with spirit. Or definitely more so you have a weaker bond with faith because you’re well aware of your emotional or spiritual needs to make sure you’re functioning well with others. So like, you’re not in tune but you’re in tune.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Devil, Death, IX of Swords Rx, II of Wands, II of Pentacles, The Salamander and Black Pepper

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: King of Pentacles, VIII of Swords, The Hermit Rx, The Chariot Rx, IX of Cups Rx, The Coyote and Datura

You like that your FS doesn’t agonize over making decisions. They set their mind on a goal and they go achieve it. Despite the intensity that I mentioned earlier (which I’m not ignoring, you definitely like that about your FS), there is a gentleness and slight silliness to your FS. It’s one of those things where it’s only brought out in quiet moments with you, and if you have pets, plants or children, with them as well. Even though they have a card representing Scorpio and Capricorn here, they don’t feel the need to have control all the time. They can be flexible and they’ve learnt to go with the flow over the course of time. You also really appreciate them making time for you, or working you into their schedule. They might be very busy, or in the midst of a major life change? However they still manage to make sure they have time to call, text, or visit you. I’m getting visit because of this imagery on the two of wands here. There’s a small message of not being able to get anything past your FS either. The story with Death is kind of dark, but I’m getting this picture quite literally lmao. Like if their kid attempted to stay up to play their nintendo 3DS, it wasn’t happening. That also makes for a great surprise event planner though so hey, but you’d know that in due time. Plus, the obvious or maybe not so obvious message, they’re probably hot and make you hot (some would say flaming). So this is a really weird message, but your FS likes the fact that you’re never happy with what you have due to the fact that it motivates you? Like you could have the best car or the best designer clothes but still feel like that’s not enough and decide to keep working your ass off, leading to this king of pentacles. They like the fact that you want to break the glass ceiling and you don’t want to get comfortable or be settled with your position. They also like that you’re kind of like them in a sense that you’re okay with diverting from the original plan. You do definitely have a more structured life I believe, and you prefer to stick to it, but you’re not opposed to trying something new and seeing what happens. Letting the wind take you where it will. Another thing is, you’re authentic with them. The nine of cups is the story of Tàj al-Mulúk and the Princess Dunyà (summed up; how the guy dressed up and proceeded to be someone who the girl would want to be with), and the eight of swords is the tale about Donkeyskin. With them, there is no mask and there is no pretending, you’re who you say you are and that’s the end of the story – they appreciate that. Another thing about the eight of swords, they like that you put yourself there, in a way. You only put yourself there to contemplate your next move and when you’re ready you step back out. It’s sort of the same as when you’re ready to come back out and socialize after healing. It’s also a piece of you being able to tell a snake from a snake charmer. You don’t let people in so easily and they pick up on why you do that.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: V of Wands Rx, IX of Wands Rx, The Fool, X of Wands Rx, The Plaything Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: VIII of Wands Rx, IV of Wands, VII of Swords, The Lovers, The Viewing

I’m sorry this is so funny, AND ANIMALS BY MAROON 5 IS PLAYING Pile two you’re going to try and get underneath your FS’ skin and they’re going to ignore you every single time, and in turn it’s going to piss you off. All the imagery gives me someone who is trying to be lured in or is being hunted on your end, but on their end they have knowledge from all over the world or well beyond their years so there’s no way you can overcome them. They are not playing your games and they’re not even matching your energy. It’s not like you guys are arguing but it’s more like teasing or seducing if their side is anything to go off of. The thing with the fool is that whenever they bite back with whatever is going on here, it’s always very witty and something that catches you off guard. It’s also like you’re the big monsters in the back while your FS is the girl running through the woods here. Also with Plaything, it’s like you want them to just get caught one time. Take the bait one time. But they don’t. And it’s annoying as hell.

Your FS on the other hand is doing this for a reason. There might be a gap in experience or age*, but they want to take care of this relationship and also you. Honestly looking back, for some of you this might be LGBT, difference in culture, status if their family deems it important – because The Viewing talks about ‘an irreversible outcome’ and I’m thinking about Simple and Clean by Utada Hikaru. The line ‘ When we are older, you'll understand what I meant when I said, "No, I don't think life is quite that simple" ’, is ringing in my head. If that’s not the case, then it could definitely just be inexperience within relationships and you’re looking at everything through rose colored glasses and they’re worried that this’ll ruin a really good thing. They see you as romanticizing a lot of things that can hurt you or them (depending on who is coming from the more judgmental society, unless you both are). Plus with the imagery within the lovers alongside that message of the viewing, yeah. They also really don’t like all the tricks and cheap shots you try and take to get them to go along with whatever you want to go in regards to this. It’s all out of love, truly. Also I Love You 3000 by Stephanie Peotri is playing and I think that’s from them. ‘No spoilers please’

*I don’t know why I keep feeling the need to add this, even after a night’s rest but age gap between two consenting adults. No funny business.

Pile Three

How You View Them: X of Pentacles Rx, IV of Pentacles Rx, VII of Wands, Ace of Cups

How They View You: VII of Cups, The Emperor, V of Cups Rx, Queen of Swords Rx

Your FS comes off as quite defensive to you. Closed off as well, because I’m struggling to get a good grasp on these cards for some reason. I’m believing it’s more like you see them as hard to read at times. They present the same energy but slightly different over the course of different weeks? Like there will be different levels of response to the same triggers so you can pinpoint what’s happening but not be quite sure of how to approach or soothe them sometimes. They present some dysfunction within their family, but it’s one of those situations where you show up to family events or holidays that celebrate family — just to get it over with or because it’s nice — and then you won’t really see or hear from them much again. They also might have a struggle with maintaining their finances? It’s not that they’re an over spender but it’s little things that they either don’t care for a savings account, or they have a vice grip on what’s in their account so they complain about any type of ‘expensive’ purchase, looking over all avenues before deciding on what to buy, those things. They’re very protective over what’s theirs, and that includes you (so you might have to get on them about that terminology which I think I see a little on their side). Despite all of that you do see them as someone who does have emotions and care to offer, it’s in a sweet way. Kind of naïve, for some reason? When it comes to revealing sensitive sides of themselves they can be kind of sensitive or childlike, which you think balances out all of the above. Meanwhile your FS’ side is much easier to comprehend and views you to be kind of intense. Besides the emperor and the queen, I’m seeing the middle chalice within the seven of cups. If you’re a gamer, you know how when you unlock an underground opening and it slowly raises up to ominous music? That’s what it seems like to me. I’m mainly just getting that you’re an equal match to your FS. You have no problem putting them in their place. There is some inner turmoil or sadness that seems to be making it’s way to the surface at times, or maybe you just seem to have an appearance that looks sad (glossy eyes, downturned lips, etc). I think it has to do with the eyes because the hill in the background looks like an eye to me when I look somewhere else and it distracts me. Either way, they happen to discover different facets of your personality over the course of the relationship and it fascinates them sometimes, but they do think you can be a little harsh or bossy with them sometimes. You know what you like and don’t like, but even if it’s in a joking way, they can get hurt by your comments or nitpicking? In their eyes. Though this does seem to be a person who tends to go for people who are more in control than them, or are in their power. And Feeling Myself by Nicki Minaj & Beyoncé just started playing, yup.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Empress, Page of Pentacles, VIII of Wands, II of Wands, The Cat and Lavender Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: The Chariot Rx, Knight of Swords Rx, VII of Pentacles, Ace of Pentacles, The Fox and Ivy

Yeah this is displaying the very muted duality your FS holds, but it also works very well together which is why I called it a muted duality. You like that on one hand your FS can be very caring and sweet towards you. They present themselves as very gentle and calming in private manners. They also can be very loyal and somewhat steadfast? It’s like when you get a new plant so you’re dedicated to learning its favorite nutrients, what time of day it prefers, the sunlight it wants, its quirks — all of that. That’s what you like about them, a very dedicated sweet lover. On the other hand, they can be very instinctual and sure of themselves. This is a case where I don’t believe they’re aware that they’re listening to their intuition but it’s like when you’re looking at crystals or feeling something out and you just know it’s the right one for you. That’s how they make decisions and they do it so boldly, so sure of themselves, you really admire that about them. I can’t say whether or not they always make the right choice, but the confidence that they have when making these choices is mighty attractive to you. They’re also someone to come quick to your aid or defense if you need or request it. I’m getting the image of someone rushing into the room with like four care packages all catered to different scenarios haha. Your FS wanted to send a message while I was writing your passage I guess, but Think by Aretha Franklin was playing lmao, staring at that knight of swords. Anyway, I stand by what I said earlier. They can be a little sensitive to your comments, but they’re not opposed to a little friction. They do find your combative attitude attractive, even if it’s against them at times. The main thing here though is the fact that you’re able to get the most out of life. You are the phrase ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’. You don’t waste any opportunity that’s given to you and you try to see how far you can run with it. You also don’t give up on things (or connections I guess, in this sense). You will sit with your projects, friends, struggling ideas, and see what will come of them after some tender love and care. The only thing that will make you abandon it is if the object of attention doesn’t want to ‘put in’ the same effort. You are willing to compromise and roll with the punches as long as they don’t make you sacrifice anything at your core. Your FS really loves that about you.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Chariot Rx, Page of Pentacles, Knight of Wands Rx, IV of Wands, Envy Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: IX of Cups Rx, III of Wands, The Devil, Death, Blessings

**LOL, not the both of you going ‘AHT, let me correct you real quick’ omg. Also, getting the chariot multiple times, someone has to have cancer placements in this connection. I’m getting specifically cancer venus or mars for some reason and I’m feeling like it’s them.

You can get annoyed with the complacency your FS holds. This loops all the way back to holding onto what they have and never looking for anything else, generally. It’s like you operate from this Envy card upright, while they move in the reverse. You are always trying to see what you can get out of things, to your detriment sometimes but we’ll get to that, and they don’t bother to even see if there’s more to things sometimes. It’s like if they have a car that can go on auto-pilot; they’d turn it on and take a nap. They’re okay with celebrating tiny milestones, or like ‘aah, mailed one letter today time to reward myself’ — things like that. Which is okay, but I’m going to assume it’s also intertwined with them getting way too in their head and making quick snap judgements based upon emotions. It’s not lost on me that the knight of wands is represented by a mummy and it’s also placed over the eight of wands currently. In the page of pentacles you can see that while someone is sleeping, a bunch of demons are slowly creeping up to attack her, presumably. I’d equate that to nightmares, or things catching up to you. So it’s like they would do a little bit here and there, celebrate, put it off, and then because of a deadline creeping up on them; either get way too stressed out or rush a bunch of stuff, as an example. All of this is centered around their ability to be okay with what they currently have, but they’re also not necessarily improving or bringing anything in. Your FS on the other hand thinks the exact opposite lmao. They think you give too many people or projects too much of your time or attention. I think the three of wands is interesting because it’s like someone waiting for their plans to come to fruition but the witch is old, the land is decrepit, and everything is withering away. Combined with the nine of cups, this person sees you pouring your efforts into all of these things and waiting for it to come back but you’re just. Standing there waiting with no reward. You guys are quite literally ‘working hard or hardly working’. Blessings is about granting others pardons or forgiveness, basically acting as a priest, but notice all of the creatures on him. It’s a double meaning here. They see you forgiving people that they believe shouldn’t get more of your time because they don’t have good intentions (one is literally yanking on the man’s ear). Mixed with Death, once again it’s mixed. You go around wearing yourself thin to wish people the best who aren’t doing the same for you, believing there will be a revival within a connection (for sure this time), or the other person is the reaper as they’re holding a scythe ready to cut you down. The devil here over the seven of coins speaks to them seeing your dedication falling into a slight obsession at times. It’s a bit unbalanced and sometimes you forget to take care of other things in your life, and you can get tangled within your projects and tie them to maybe your self-worth (if this fails then I failed because I couldn’t keep it going). I think you guys are good for each other in terms of learning your strongest qualities to help balance out your own personal lives honestly. Also Sun Goes Down by Lil Nas X started playing right as I finished.

Pile Four

How You View Them: Justice, Wheel of Fortune Rx, Queen of Wands, X of Wands

How They View You: IX of Swords Rx, The Hanged Man Rx, Queen of Swords, VII of Cups

You view your future spouse as someone quite rational. They’re not the type to believe in things like ‘fate’ or manifestation; if they want it they go get it. They firmly believe in seeing the world through an objective lens but you feel like sometimes they can be a little full of themselves in that sense. Like they have the final say in things. Besides that, they try to be fair and just about most things. It’s pretty basic, the people who are right are right, people who are wrong are wrong, if they feel like they aren’t informed they won’t speak on the matter — it can leave them seeming like they don’t really have much of a voice or opinions besides when they’re speaking up for people, because I definitely feel them here. You see them as someone who knows their worth and they’ll probably make jokes about it (‘oh you think you can get with me, come on now’). They’re pretty light-hearted when it doesn’t come to the state of the world or social politics, and you see them as someone who keeps up with their appearance. Beyond physical beauty but also watching what they eat and exercising as well, they’re very attentive of what makes them feel good. However they tend to take on too much, and I think this leans more back into how others around them are affected. If the state of the world is in shambles it can get to them, and they’ll look into what they can do. They might take on more than they can handle though, like maybe trying to go to a lot of charity events on top of their job, or trying to inform as many people as possible when they can barely fit it into their schedule. Things like that along with their slightly ‘I have the final say’ attitude might be the only annoying things here from you. Your FS views you as…kind of spacey. Weirdly. Ah! The second I figured it out, Bulletproof Heart by MCR started playing leave me alone lmao. So you took them by surprise when they first started to get to know you I think, but they also stuck around for these two sides of you. The majority of their perception of you is that you’re not present most of the time. You’re in your head or imagination and you’re not really paying attention to your surroundings — which I think can worry or annoy them sometimes. You also look like you’re constantly watching the world pass you by because you’re contemplating and would prefer to either help others or you’re not too privy to take control of your life. Like you’re exhausted in a sense and don’t feel like getting back in the ring, so you’d rather just sit back and people watch, or allow other people / things to come to you. This could also be the result of a former relationship (platonic, familial or romantic) that left you scarred and defensive. However, there are topics or times where you come out of hibernation and you come out with a bite. You have extensive knowledge about the subject and you can go toe to toe with them. You keep them engaged in the conversation. You can also give them the feeling that you’re allowing them to approach you but if they say the wrong thing then you’re bringing the sword down. These are not qualities that they expected to see in you, a person who is caught in a standstill, so they find it interesting. Okay Roman’s Revenge by Nicki Minaj is playing and I don’t want to take the lyrics, but the intensity and feeling of the song is the feeling of when that queen of swords comes out, to them.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: Death, The Star Rx, The World, III of Pentacles, The Snail and the Huckleberry Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: V of Cups Rx, Ace of Swords Rx, The Emperor Rx, VI of Swords Rx, The Caiman and Poppy Rx

So first off I have to say that your FS has to have fixed placements or is a fixed sign? Lmao maybe their birthday is valentines day maybe that’s why they have such a thing with the divine and all of that - or maybe not because spooky guy of all songs just started playing so maybe they are a scorpio, god I get it. Anyway, Your favorite traits are the fact that they are so rooted in the 3D. Usually I don’t like the star being reversed, but here it’s really sweet. With its positioning, it’s looking down at the three of pentacles meaning it’s working with you, which we’ll get into later. Your FS is someone who faces their fears and demons with rationale and like, a guidebook almost. So it’s no longer that big and scary to them, it’s not really that much of a challenge but they’re still able to be rewarded with the transformation that comes afterward. They also feel like a missing puzzle piece to you. I don’t spread the idea of ‘there’s someone out there that will complete you’, and I never will, but when you meet this person they will feel like they can make up for things that you lack. They can also help teach you to strengthen your weaker qualities as well. It quite literally is people with different skill sets coming together to ‘complete a project’. It also always feels super sweet and fun whenever you’re with them. Your FS loves basically all the opposite traits of what was mentioned above. I have to mention that Asystole by Hayley Williams is playing as I look into this five of cups, which is over the nine of swords. So I do believe there is a recovery taking place that they notice within you, and they adore it in a sense that they’re very proud of you. Every day that you wake up and decide to face your fears, keep doing inner work (‘whatever that is’), and placing trust in them makes their heart grow three times bigger — just like the grinch. There is a feeling of wanting to move on or flee out of instinct and self-preservation but choosing not to, and they give you space to figure that out on your own, so hearing that after you work through it and the ultimate answer is to stay — well they don’t want to show it because they want you to do what’s best for you but it’s very nice to hear. Overall we have this energy of you being pretty scatterbrained, which leads to a lot of absurd thoughts and late night ramblings. They find it fun, even if it doesn’t make sense and they can’t really keep up or actively engage at times. You can get stuck in them, which is when they come to ground you, but unless it’s causing harm they just let you have fun in there. They do love when your 'aggressive' side comes out though, because that’s what they’re familiar with and they can keep up with that. They like when you’re stubborn sometimes, because it can be over something small or maybe you guys are debating serious stuff, but it’s a fun shared activity between the two of you. They don’t necessarily want you to get rid of your spacey qualities though because they can learn from it and you teach them a few new things, like how to relax and disengage.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Queen of Cups, IV of Cups Rx, III of Pentacles, Strength Rx, The Feral Child Rx

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: The Empress Rx, Page of Pentacles Rx, The High Priestess Rx, Ace of Pentacles, Revenge

Hey remember when I said they seem to have a complex about them at times from your perspective. You can get irritated with them because in the process of them wanting to help care for you, it seems like they’re treating you like a child. You might decline their help sometimes because you feel like they’re looking down at you. When you look at the way the queen of cups is presented, she seems as if she’s someone of high status. Even in the book it says ‘do not fear the queen of cups, even though she seems intimidating, she is caring’. Your FS can come off as an ‘I told you so’ person at times, but they do wish the best for you. There’s another piece of them seeming to always want to align with ‘the norm’, or what is allowed within society, and that can annoy you because you don’t feel like they’re ‘being authentic’. This can be as little as them not partaking in any hobbies they like because people will mock them for it or they personally feel like it’s embarrassing. For others of you, this has to do with poor anger management and pent up frustration. They don’t know how to channel it elsewhere or relieve it, and it builds up until they blow up over something small or create an issue over nothing, due to something else that was a legitimate problem a few weeks ago. Now a funny side note is — unfortunately you won’t be able to tell from this picture I think, but in person if you look closely enough at this four of cups; one of the drink’s mist is just a bit darker than the rest. I think that’s how you literally feel about your FS’ intuition, it’s blocked and it can annoy you at times that they miss what is obvious to you, but it’s not obvious to them. You guys just speak different language so to speak, that’s all. Your FS wants you to treat yourself better. I giggled because when I pulled the high priestess I heard ‘you call this intuition?’, I’m sorry your FS has been quite the smart-ass this whole reading. The main focus here is split a little bit, with an interesting side message here as well. You can be pretty sensitive and beat yourself down over some small stuff. Your self-esteem isn’t that strong so when you don’t meet goals you set for yourself or you just happen to have one of those days, it hits pretty hard. It feels like you’re eating yourself alive. It might also be that you don’t have good self-care habits as well, because remember, your FS does. There might be days you won’t take care of yourself too well and they won’t like that and might nag you about it. I’m also getting a sense that if you’re in the process of — or maybe beginning to when you meet them — start your own business or indulge in a hobby, you will put your blood sweat and tears into it which is something that worries them because of what I started before. They don’t mind taking care of you or watching out, but it’s the imbalance that stresses them out. They also want you to trust yourself more because sometimes you can feel like you get messages or intuitive hits wrong. Like if one thing goes wrong, and you follow it because of a gut feeling, you beat yourself up for it and that’s not how that works. However at the same time, sometimes you can use that against your FS. This is only for a select few, and it’s not bad it’s more funny and irritable from them tbh, but sometimes you can withhold things from them relating to this stuff if you’re in a funky mood towards them and it irritates the living shit out of them. Like let’s say you guys have reached a mutual understanding and respect for each other and sometimes they ask for a second opinion before deciding on something, maybe you’re a little annoyed and you claim you’re not getting anything but they can tell when you’re lying. Stupid stuff like that lmao.

Pile Five

How You View Them: III of Pentacles, King of Swords, The Hanged Man, The Tower Rx

How They View You: The High Priestess, The Lovers Rx

Your pile will be somewhat different or interesting. When I was pulling for their side, I was shuffling for quite some time and the first card to come out was the high priestess, and with that I got ‘they should know’. I don’t really feel one way or the other that you already know this person, if they want to reveal it later on they will, because I asked them if they want to divulge information and they basically said ‘I don’t want to talk petty gossip but I will shine light upon my qualities’ essentially (3 of cups rx and queen of wands). So this pile can fall into the pool of: 1) you guys are communicating through your high selves, 2) you’ve met through dreams, 3) you already know this person and the connection is being protected from ruin, etcetc.

Now that that spiel is over. You view your FS as someone who is co-operative. This reads to me as someone who is willing to split the chores, there is no clash of house rules going on, etc. They’re willing to work with you on things so it runs smoothly, and they want it to run efficiently and properly as well. The king feels very kind here? It’s not as noticeable as he usually is and it feels more of someone who you go to for advice or help. They don’t feel like someone who runs the show to you. They feel more like someone who watches from a distance and just makes sure things are going okay without directly interfering or leading anything. They definitely protect you or make moves from behind the scenes though, and you obviously would find this out later along the way. I feel this because for some reason it’s like the king of swords is smiling (?) gently at me while beneath or behind them, the tower is happening. It’s reversal feels more muted to me than to take it as a reverse, like it’s still happening but no one else sees it except for those who need to. You view your FS as someone who is very quiet, calm and supportive. Doesn’t have to literally be gentle but they give off that energy. Feels Taurean? For their rising at least. Now your FS…like I said, they didn’t want to speak up for how they see you for some reason. I definitely don’t think it’s because they’re shy, but there’s something here that they don’t want you to know yet? Which I’m just merely here to show the cards and explain the messages so—

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: The Fool, Page of Swords, Nine of Wands, Queen of Cups, The Fox and Ivy Rx

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: Six of Swords, III of Cups, VII of Cups, The Ladybug and Sweet Pea Rx

*For those of you that don’t know me, I usually take The Devil or The Moon as a sign to stop asking, and considering the above, I let your FS know that, and for the last card they gave me both LMAO, very very protective and serious about this I like that.

Your favorite traits are seemingly about the same thing LOL. There is a bit of a stubborn streak to your FS; they stand for what they stand for, if they don’t want to do something they won’t do it. It’s not in an aggressive manner, but they are simply not budging, it takes a lot to get them to bend to someone else’s will. It’s rooted in the fact that they’re willing to explore and uncover a lot, listen to many other people’s perspective and understand a lot of things they aren’t familiar with. They’re willing to take the plunge before they can say with resolve that something just isn’t for them. They’re not combative and they’re quite gentle and caring with the way they handle people and their affairs, which is what you like about them. Two extra things, there might be a small pet they have that you adore or grow close to? That and they might enjoy, find peace, or live near the sea. On your FS’s side, I kept replaying Gurenge by LiSA but I only paid attention to this line: ‘Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why, tell me, I don't need you’, and I see that being highlighted on their side. You reflect your FS somewhat in the fact that when things no longer serve you or you find them to be unhealthy, you leave them behind. You understand that not everything or everyone is meant to be in your life until the end of time, and that’s okay. If they happen to be, then you find yourself to be extremely lucky, that’s all. It’s also a little bit like a social battery when in combination with the three of cups. You do enjoy socializing with the people that you want to socialize with and you fully understand your limits. I also feel like this is you enjoying more of celebrating holidays or certain traditions and going all out for them, which they find cute. You’re idealistic and creative, nothing (within reason) is too much for you, and it’s like you always happen to be able to pick from the right cup when it matters. Also, Cool Kitty from Class of 3000 is playing and I think that just highlights that message, I wasn’t even processing that lol. This episode was about one of the kids hanging out with other kids that just didn’t authentically care for her and were willing to drop her at a second’s notice if she was suddenly not fitting the aesthetic, which calls back to you understanding those that are meant for you and those that aren’t.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: Death Rx, X of Cups Rx, V of Cups, V of Wands, The Specimen

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: Judgement Rx, X of Pentacles Rx, The Elixir

Only If For A Night by Florence + the Machine is playing. You feel like your FS can be too unchanging at times. They do explore, try things, travel, etc — but their end results seems to be that they go back into their bubble to stay with what’s familiar. So while their wisdom expands, they don’t. I was looking at the five of cups and Too Sensitive by Sean Kennedy started playing. I was going to say the imagery looks like someone knocking the cups over after a fight to really rub salt into a wound. There is a defensive energy that’s been seen throughout the entire reading, and it comes out with you too, but it’s when you challenge them on this aspect of their mindset. It feels like someone pulled the wool over your eyes and now you’re being shown the truth, in a way. I think it’s a small problem that can boil into a big one if not cared for.

Your FS feels like you try too hard to solve a problem that’s not there. The Specimen is, well it’s a creature. I find it very interesting that you both got vials, and it’s like one is the problem and the other seems to be like an antidote. They’re both showing up negatively though. One of these interpretations could be that they feel like old arguments or fights get recycled again and again, and they’re tired of it. However, I don’t feel like that’s the main message here. That’s for very few of you, and if you don’t know who I’m talking about, then you picked the wrong pile, there’s a very high chance of that. Sometimes piles can be hijacked by people who need to hear a specific message. This feels like a relationship with a lot of squaring going on astrologically. Two people approaching something with the same mindset but from different perspectives. Sun by CHANMINA is playing.

For some of you, there is a high chance that this is a past relationship, or someone that you knew / worked with, and they just never made any moves towards you during that time.

Pile Six

How You View Them: III of Wands, Queen of Swords, Knight of Swords Rx, VI of Wands Rx

How They View You: Kings of Wands Rx, V of Wands, King of Swords Rx, Queen of Pentacles

You view your future spouse as someone who has something to prove. They can come off as a bit blunt and dismissive. I believe that’s due to their focus being on something else, which would be their goals and achievements. It’s kind of interesting because they might have made a bad first impression, or maybe this is when they get really stressed out and tense, but they can be quite unfavorable to be around during those moments. They might have Aries influence actually, because I feel like whatever they feel, they let it out without thinking, that’s their stress relief (even if it doesn’t really do anything). You might see them as someone who has some growing to do and is all talk, but on the flipside it kind of seems like they’re just anxious to fill the shoes that are set for them? Like the reason why they act like that is because they know what’s coming but they’re worried that it might not be all it’s amped up to be (you know, because they keep hyping it up), so then they get in their head and then they’re a little bit of a shit-head. One of the more interesting viewpoints of the piles today I’ll say. For your FS I struggled with these king cards at first I'm not gonna lie. Looking back at it, very simple. I keep getting a strong feeling that this person has to at least be a year younger than you. Anyway, they see you as quite the authoritative figure in their life, sometimes to an overwhelming degree. It’s giving the feeling of being someone’s manager or supervisor and always micromanaging them, I’m not getting the feeling of abusing your power. They see you as combative over petty stuff, feeling like you throw your weight (intelligence and status) around. This can include them being less experienced than you in some way and it might strike a nerve with them even if you aren’t attempting to do that. Like they might appreciate the fact that you do take time to either guide or show them that you care, but then they might feel like you’re looking down on them and it might fire them up all over again.

Your Favorite Traits of Your FS: Page of Wands, The Emperor Rx, VIII of Swords Rx, The Hermit, The Deer and Oat

Your FS’ Favorite Traits of You: Strength Rx, X of Swords Rx, Wheel of Fortune, VI of Swords, The Bee and Pomegranate

Your favorite traits are that they can be unapologetically themselves and that they offer you a place of solitude or safety. It doesn’t have to be physical, but they feel safe to you. Maybe quite literally feel healing to you, but mainly safe. They might request vacations where you guys have your phones turned off or at least on DnD. There’s a lot of youthful energy to them that is refreshing to you, so maybe you’ve felt the need to constantly be mature and presentable whether that be in your career, around friends or family, etc — but they give you that space to let you be goofy, have food fights in the middle of baking, finger paint, bring out your inner child with them. There’s also a more introspective quality to them that isn’t so front and center in their daily life that you enjoy experiencing. They can seem to not really be grounded or listen to an inner voice but it is there and there’s a bit more happening internally than meets the eye. Hm. JA ARA E by Burna Boy is playing and I usually don’t draw back to ethnicities or anything but someone might be african or african-american considering the cards as well. Your FS’s side is pretty straight forward so I’m very sorry if this is so short but they like the side of you that is able to let go and let be. They wish to understand how you’re able to not fight against so many things, or not be so anxious about the world around you at times. How you can heal so beautifully after the worst betrayals. The way you can take the tried and true road, even if it’s not the best road for you at the time, with not many complaints. They’re slightly jealous but also admirable of these gentle qualities of yours. I’m mainly getting this from my gut but there might be a piece of them that feels like they have a lot of catching up to do when it comes to you so it makes them feel small and slightly…it’s not scared or embarrassed but it’s like they want to rush and put in a lot of overtime to catch up, but when you’re not looking. The feeling of inadequacy is always in the back of their mind, it just kind of depends on when it gets triggered.

Your Least Favorite Traits of Your FS: IV of Pentacles Rx, II of Swords Rx, IV of Swords, III of Swords, The Feeding

Your FS’ Least Favorite Traits of You: II of Wands Rx, Judgement Rx, Queen of Swords, IX of Cups, Tears

You think your FS can be sneaky or try to take shortcuts to make things happen, which can annoy you sometimes. With the four of pentacles combined with feeding, it makes me feel like entanglements and promises, but too many things get caught up within their web for things to happen so it must be sacrificed, ultimately making it not happen. The cycle keeps happening though because someone doesn’t want to fall short of their self-imposed goal. You also feel like they hide away from big responsibilities or scary choices. The skeletons are popping up from the ground but I’d have to imagine it wouldn’t be able to see which choice is being made, and the vampire is peeking out of her coffin, looking like she’s risen, but can easily shut it again. All of this leads to a lot of heartbreak and a woe is me mindset that can be easily avoided from your perspective

Your FS on the other hand thinks you worry too much and it can get to them. I was wondering why it seemed like the energies started to intertwine but it seems like you’re both directly affecting each other here. They don’t like when you worry about them to the point of covering up their mistakes and cleaning up their mess. You can nag them a lot and sound like their mom which is not too attractive. This nine of cups feels like the ‘cleaning up the mess’ part for some reason. You can also remind them a lot of their failures in a backwards way. It’s you telling them to be cautious and giving them advice or different paths to take next time, and them taking it the wrong way. Thinking you’re being underhanded and referencing their last failed attempt. There’s just a bit more communication that is needed here so people understand exactly what is being said and ego’s aren’t hurt along the way, is all. Might have squared or opposing mercury, mars, or ascendant aspects? Honestly even Pluto I think, since it’s dealing with authority.

#pick a card #pick a card reading #pac #tarot #tarot reading #tarotblr #future spouse #fs reading #tarot community #general reading #mysticalcreations #this pac literally exhausted me :) please show it love :)))))))))))

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hopelovesuntildawn · 4 months

Text

@imahyperfixatedbitch

Here is your gift for Secret Santa! I hope you like it!

(It's under the cut due to trigger warning since there's a lot that happened that night.)

TW: trauma, character death

Jess winced every single time she thought of him. Josh Washington. Many didn't think they were that close but they were. He was like a brother to her, a close friend, companion, her first kiss (though that was a secret they never spoke of.)

It started in kindergarten, Jess being transferred to a new school due to the divorce, a school outside of the town of Berkeley, CA. As the little blonde girl walked in, the twin braids she had kept till that night. She was alone, many looking at her strangely, but she still kept her head high. Suddenly, a little girl came running past, chased by a girl who looked the same, the only difference was one wore glasses and one didn’t. Other than that, they were identical. The teacher sighed, rubbing her forehead as she stopped the girls.

“Everyone take a seat on the floor!” She yelled as everyone quickly ran to their spots. Jess stood frozen. She didn’t have a spot.

“You can sit by me.” Stated the little girl without the glasses. Jess smiled and took a seat, her hands tucked together. She wore a pink sweater and jeans, a pair of matching pink Converse.

“I’m Jess.” She waved at the girl. The sister with the glasses sat on Jess’s other side. They both had dark hair that was extremely long, both wearing similar shirts and pants in different colors. Beth seemed quiet, staying a bit to herself, but Hannah was open and forward. She was kind and caring and had opened up quite quickly to them. Inviting her to sit with them at lunch.

“I’m Hannah. That’s Beth.” They both waved as everyone quieted down to listen to the teacher. A smile warmed Jess’s face. Make first friends in the new town, check.

As the years passed, Beth and Hannah grew closer with Jess. Throughout the playdates, the school events they hung out at, the times Jess’s mom invited them over for sleepovers. However, Jess had never gone over to Hannah and Beth’s house. They made excuses, that they were busy or that no one was home at the time. Jess didn’t buy it.

When Jess got her permit, she immediately showed up at their house, finally facing the situation head on. She knocked on the door, gently opening with a “Hang on!” Beth appeared, her short hair hidden under her usual beanie. Her eyes widened as she shut the door behind her.

“What are you doing here?” She muttered as Jess crossed her arms.

“Are you embarrassed of me?” Beth’s eyes widened more and she shook her head. “Cause I feel like you’re embarrassed of me. We’ve been friends for years and I’ve never even met your parents.”

“I know and I’m sorry. Jess, you're my best friend. I could never be embarrassed but our families are very different. Your mom is so inviting and caring. My mom is too busy to think about having people over, The only people who come over are my dad’s work friends.”

“Oh.” Jess felt guilty, terrible really. “I’m sorry I came then.” As she went to leave she saw the door swing open behind Beth, a young man appearing.

“I swear if your nerd friends are here finally Beth I-” The teenager stopped quickly, staring at the blonde girl. “You aren’t what I expected. Where’s Chris?” Beth pushed the boy back in annoyance.

“Josh, stop. This is Jess.” Josh’s gray green eyes widened. Jess stood awkwardly. He was a nice looking young man, with dark hair matching theirs, but it was very curly. He had tan skin and was tall and lanky, wearing a flannel. She waved innocently and sighed before feeling the tension build up.

“I should go.”

“No. Jess, this is Josh, my older brother. Josh, this is Jess.” Josh nodded as he outstanded his hand to shake her. She gently shook it, feeling the awkwardness in the air. Who knew that was a start to a great friendship.

Everytime Jess came over, Josh greeted her at the door. More were introduced to the party, Chris was introduced by Josh, then Ashley by Beth, then Sam by Hannah. Matt was introduced later on from Ashley and Emily by Jess. Josh included Mike due to dating Emily. The group grew, and so did Jess and Josh’s friendship. Josh goofed around with Jess when times got rough, always bringing a smile to her face. He’d sit outside with her and try to cheer her up.

She remembered a time when a guy broke up with her because she wouldn’t kiss him. She didn’t know how to. Sure, a peck on the cheek and a kiss on the forehead, but nothing ever more.

She showed up at the Washington estate with tears in her eyes. She needed a shoulder to cry on. She knocked on the door, waiting to see Beth’s bright smile to calm her down and tell her he wasn’t worth her first kiss.

Instead it was Josh’s fat smirk.

“Oh shit. Hey Josh.” She muttered, quickly rubbing her eyes to cover her tears. He stopped the smirk and rapidly tried to change the situation.

“Jess, are you okay?” She looked up, her eyes red and puffy. SHe nodded her head and turned the walk away but he grabbed her arm. She looked back before he gestured her in. She walked in the house before falling onto the couch and sobbing.

“What the hell happened?” She sighed as he took a seat next to her.

“Caleb broke up with me because I don't know how to kiss.” Josh sat back, anger raring through him. Caleb was a jock, but he was also a dickhead. He could have any girl he wanted in the school. Poor Jess was his next pick.

“That’s ridiculous. Jess you are worth so much more than a kiss.” Muttered Josh as he gently patted her back, trying to console her. She was sobbing, her head in her hands, bangs stuck in her eyes.

“Will you kiss me then!?” She exclaimed sarcastically. Her eyes widened when she realized what she had just said. As she grew farther from Beth and Hannah, she had grown closer with Josh. It didn’t upset Beth or Hannah particularly, the group had grown closer as a whole unit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean that it’s just, ugh this is embarrassing.” She sighed before putting her head down. “I’ve never kissed someone before. That’s why we broke up. I didn’t know how to kiss him.” Josh nodded his head before putting his face near hers.

“As your friend, I will teach you how to kiss on one condition.” Jess sat back, staring at him intently.

“What is your condition?” Josh grinned, and Jess immediately became worried. He quickly dropped the smirk, becoming serious.

“We keep this a secret okay?” Jess nodded as her hands became sweaty. She was really about to kiss Josh? This was not how she had planned it. But Josh was a close friend, and out of everyone, she really felt extremely comfortable around him. He was always making her laugh and confronting her when times got hard. Maybe in another universe Jess would meet him and fall in love with him. She would realize what she deserved and not settle for men who treated her terribly. Maybe, just maybe.

Josh moved closer, one hand on her hip, the other on one side of ehr face. As he moved closer, Jess adjusted, scooching closer to him, their noses nearly touching. This was happening, holy crap.

For a brief second, she felt a spark as their lips touched. His lips were softer than she anticipated. He didn’t try anything past a simple, gentle kiss. It was nice. She felt safe. Seen. She didn’t feel like she was being used or taken advantage of. She was just kissing a close friend for practice. That was really it.

He pulled away, opening his eyes. Her gray eyes shined as she pulled back. For a second she sat frozen. Did this really just happen? Josh just smiled. She felt sweaty and nervous.

“You okay?” Asked Josh. She just smiled and nodded.

Jess never forgot that day. As she laid in bed, she was reminded of him. It happened often. She remembered hugging him after Hannah and Beth’s disappearance. It took a while but after some time and many apologies, they were back on speaking terms. Jess felt horrible about what happened, she still did. She stopped for a second, feeling her stomach ache. She wanted to throw up thinking about what she did.

Josh and Jess were close and she felt sick thinking about what happened. How could she do that? She hurt him, not intentionally, but still. She missed him everyday, she missed them all. Emily didn’t really talk to her anymore, the closest person she had was Mike. Matt texted her every once in a while. Ashley, Sam, and Chris all stayed close, but she felt awkward including herself.

She suffered a lot after that night, but she couldn;t imagine what Josh’s family was dealing with. She wished he was back, telling her jokes and making her laugh. She wished Hanah was still hanging out with them and Beth was singing like she always did. It made Jess cry sometimes. Thinking of his end.

They found his body three days later, and that thing crushed his head. Jess remembered the memorial. She didn’t go since she was still laid up due to the hip injury and the surgery she had to have from the fracture. She wasn’t sure if she would have been welcomed there anyway. She wasn’t herself yet, and it took a long time for her to feel comfortable in her new skin. The scars, the limp, and the mindset.

Somehow she knew things would be alright though. She had a mother that loved her and helped take care of her, she had Matt and Mike to talk her through panic attacks.

But they weren’t Josh. No one would ever fill the hole of Josh. He was his own person and he was the best. She wondered what he would have done with his life. Would he have followed in his father’s footsteps and become a filmmaker? He always did like making these YouTube videos and movies. He always asked for film equipment for Christmas. Sometimes she would go through pictures and videos when she was super upset and missing him. It was okay though. He was in a better place, he was with Hannah and Beth now.

As Jess wiped the tears from her eyes, she remembered the good times. That’s all she could do. Her mind went back to their kiss occasionally. He was a good guy, but he needed help that he never got. She remembered when Mike told her what he did. She couldn’t believe it. Why would he do it? It was shocking to say the least. She knew she deserved it, but Sam and Chris. They really did nothing wrong. It just proved how much help Josh needed. While he was grieving, it didn’t give him the right to nearly kill so many of his friends.

She looked down at the picture, thinking about him. She missed him more than she could ever explain. She missed his smile, his jokes, his hugs, his parties, his ability to make everyone laugh. There was so much about him that couldn’t be replaced. The world was a bit emptier without him. There was no one like the one and only Josh Washington.

Jess reminded herself to visit his grave this week. He always loved the snow like Jess did. Maybe she’d buy those lilies that he would always give her on her birthday. He would like that. She would too.

We miss you Joshua Washington. I miss you Josh. I miss everything about you. Rest easy my friend. You deserve it more than anyone. Please say hi to Hannah and Beth for me.

#until dawn #jessica riley #josh washington #mike munroe #matt taylor #ud jess #ud josh #fanfiction #until dawn secret santa 2023

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