#he will say some shit like ‘ah hey chum think you can show us all your abilities? that was we can coordinate better in the field.’
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Incorrect Quotes 3
Sorry for not updating in a while, anyway, Merry Christmas! Heres Incorrect Quotes 3!
Ships:
Crossmare
Errorink
Dustberry
Scifell
Horrorlust
Driller/Kreme
Afterdeath
Fandom: Undertale AU’s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: I'd like to address Ink's annoying personal habits.
Ink: Oh my God! What personal habits?
Blue: I have a list. FYI overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number 12.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: I'm sorry for all the stuff I said.
Ink: And for punching me in the face?
Dream: No, you definitely deserved that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ink: It's a good thing I still have this sexy cat costume!
Blue: I really don't think you were the target audience for that costume.
Lust: There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat.
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Blue: I made tea.
Ink: I don't want tea.
Blue: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.
Ink: Then why are you telling me?
Blue: It's a conversation starter.
Ink: That's a lousy conversation starter.
Blue: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ink: Am I cool or what?
Geno: What.
Ink: I said, am I cool or-
Geno: Yeah, I heard you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ink: You go big or you go home. And you don’t seem like the kind of person that goes home.
Cross: I’m not. I don’t even really have a home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: Those pants look great, and I bet they’d look even better on Horror’s floor.
Horror: Are you hitting on Lust... for me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: I've lied to every girl I said "I love you" to. I thought I loved them but then I met you and realized I've never been in love before.
Dream: Aw. I did not know that.
Killer: Yeah, it was eating me up inside. So, I called them each individually and said "I never loved you."
Dream: Okay, that seems unnecessary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: We're going mattress shopping.
Dust: You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.
Blue: Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress trampoline.
Dust:
Blue: Wait, no. You were talking about sex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: Uh oh.
Fell: What?
Blue: Somebody's in love.
Fell: Yeah, right. I just think Sci’s cool. It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about him.
Fell, later that night: shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: You guys just got back together. You might not want to ditch him on his birthday.
Blue: I think Dream has a point. You can see it another day.
Ink: But someone might spoil the movie. No one can spoil Error's birthday for me. Surprise, he's even older. Who saw that coming?
Dream: Aww, that's nice. Put that on his cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: We're lost.
Horror: Lost? As in "where the hell are we?"
Dust: We're not totally lost. We're still in Waterfall.
Killer: You said this was a shortcut.
Dust: It is a shortcut! Look how fast we got lost!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: Before I do anything, I ask myself, would Dust do that? And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing.
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Cross: Nightmare, I typed up your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you may have network connectivity problems.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: I would have been here sooner but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: How do you keep your pants up when battling? Its incredible!
Error:
Error: belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: Nightmare!! Theres an ugly monster under my bed!
Killer (who is on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed): Alright. Screw you too!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: You took so long in the shower!
Ink: Yeah sorry, I was at a concert.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: Holy crap, you’re so violent-
Error: Yeah, but i'm short so it's adorable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightmare: I scared them again didn’t I?
Cross: They’re terrified of you-
Nightmare:
Nightmare: That makes me so happy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ink: Error?
Error: What?
Ink: You kicked me in your sleep!
Error: ….who said I was asleep?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horror: Why would you give Dust a knife?!
Killer: He felt unsafe.
Horror: Well now I feel unsafe!
Killer: …...would you like a knife as-well?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Error: Okay, lets stop using the term ‘butt-hurt’. We are adults not 12 year olds.
Cross: You sound fannytroubled.
Ink: A little bootybothered if you asked me.
Dust: Someones having a tushytantrum
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightmare: HAS ANYONE SEEN MY SONS?!
Nightmare: OH GOD HORROR!
Nightmare: THAT MOTHERS ADRENALINE IS KICKING IN-
Nightmare: DUST!
Nightmare: I CAN SEE EVERY EQUATION!!
Nightmare: Excuse me ma’am?! Have you seen my sons?! They’re about this tall- all clearly gay but we havent had the talk.
Nightmare: KILLER ARE YOU IN THERE?!
Nightmare: *kicks down trash can violently*
Error:
Error: Cross control your boyfriend jesus-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Enjoy some quotes from Disney/Nickelodeon Shows!: (I uh- also added some cusswords lol-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: I'M PREGNANT-
Killer: You’re not pregnant!
Horror: Wait- who’s pregnant?!
Dust: ME!
Horror: Congratulations!
Killer: He’s not pregnant!
Dust: Easy Killz! I’m with child-!
Killer: You’re not with child!
Horror: I’m gonna be an uncle!!!
Killer: YOU’RE NOT GONNA BE AN UNCLE!
Horror: Then who’s gonna teach the little guy how to ride a bike?!
Error: Calm down Dust! You’re not pregnant.
Dust: Then why am I so moody and nauseous?!
Dust: I think it's the morning sickness!
Error: ...Dust…
Error: you’re a boy.
Dust: ...oh yeah-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sci: Sorry, but the convertants of air streams coming from the vents are creating a dangerous draft on the guest chair.
Blue: Alright...but if I catch a cold and start coughing and sneezing uncontrollably it will be on you. LITERALLY-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: Ink! Geno! Please..! Violence is never the solution-
Blue: *gets hit in the face by a pillow and falls down*
Blue: HECK WITH THE NON-VIOLENCE..! I AM ON YOU LIKE STRIPES ON A TIGER-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: *snoring on the couch*
Nightmare: Awww- he fell asleep mid clean! I’ll wake him.
Nightmare: KILLER!!!!
Killer: AHH! *sprays cleaning spray on Nightmare’s face*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: Who took all my scarfs?! I need them for tomorrow--
Dust swinging on a rope made out of cross’s scarfs: *doing a tarzan yell and crashing into the kitchen*
Dust coming out of the kitchen with spoons forks and knifes on him: Now that was awesome!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sci: Well...I brought a book you could read-
Ink: NOOOOOOOOO- *runs away*
Sci: Too easy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: I'm a hugger!!!!
Dust: I'M A HUGGIE-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: I did not see that coming.
Killer: *gets smacked in the arm by a drone* OW!
Nightmare: Apparently you don't see a lot of things coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horror: ...what's that?
A random stranger: It's lasagna… and it's for a Christmas Party I’m going to.
Horror: We could have a party right now-!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: What are you all getting Nightmare for his birthday?
Killer: A slightly used lip balm.
Dust: A free hug.
Error: My profound admiration.
Horror: *picks up salt shaker* This salt shaker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ink: Oh, this is my chum bucket! I’m going to catch a giant squid and tame it!
Dream: ...you’re a weird kid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lust: Now all we have to do is wait for the guests to show up!
Lust:
Blue:
Lust: Oh...we forgot to invite people….
Blue: Yup, sure did-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightmare: Its not like anybody died…!
Dream: We haven't seen the rest of the tape…..
Nightmare:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: IS THAT A TATTOO?!
Killer while rubbing Dust’s arm: COME OFF COME OFF COME OFF!!!
Dust: Hey! The only thing coming off is my arm!
Killer: What am I going to tell Nightmare?! Oh….oh! I got it! We’ll just cut off your arm!
Cross: Good idea! Because that's easier to explain then a tattoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horror and Dust: *battling with pool noodles*
Blue laying on the ground: HALT!
Horror and Dust: …?
Blue: Does anyone have a pillow? This ground is really hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: Nightmare can you do me a big favor…?
Nightmare: You need a handsome man to go with you to the reunion? No problem...I’ll do it!
Killer: I meant to see if you could call one of your friends or your brother but uh-
Nightmare: *death stare*
Killer: okay...you’ll do-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: Two days to learn a language?
Dust: I got some spanish for ya! No way Jose- haha!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: And I’m sorry I said he was my favorite-
Horror: It's alright Dad! To be honest, I always preferred Nightmare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: I know there is still some good left in you!
Nightmare: No there isn’t-! Wait.
Nightmare: *visibly cringing*
Nightmare referring to Passive Night: Agrh! There's still a piece of good. DARN IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: *pretends to yawn to sling his arm over Blue to dim the lights*
Dust: Do you mind?
Blue: Not at all. While we’re at it.
Blue: *throws one of Error’s puppets at the radio to play some convenient romantic music*
Blue and Dust: *about to kiss on the couch*
Horror in the kitchen doorway: *holding a glass of milk* What are you doing?
Blue and Dust: AH! HORROR!
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Ink: What are you saying? That I’m dumb?!
Error: Well- no… you’re just not very….thinky.
Ink: Thinky? Why did you say that?!
Error: Because Geno told me I cant call you dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: Hey Killer? Can you get me some punch?
Killer: Sure, I’ll be right back.
Passive Nightmare: Cross? Can you get me some punch too?
Cross: What? Your feet dont work?
Passive:
Cross: Ice or no ice…?
Passive: Surprise me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightmare: If you all want your phones….
Nightmare: *shows box of phones* They’re right here.
Blue:
Dream:
Horror:
Dust:
Killer:
Ink:
Blue visibly shaking:
Dream: Blue…
Blue starts vibrating a bit:
Dream: Blue.
Blue starts vibrating:
Dream: BluE-
Blue: *war scream*
Everyone except Nightmare and Blue: OH SHIT-
Blue: I NEED MY PHONE- *starts running at nightmare*
Everyone else: BLUE NO *tries to restrain Blue*
Blue screaming: *kicks Ink in the stomach causing him to fall backwards*
Dust and Horror screaming: *trying to hold Blues legs and arms*
Blue still screaming: *elbows Horror in the ribs*
Horror letting go of Blue: OW!!
Dust accidentally lets his grip loosen on Blue: HOLY SHIT! HORROR?!
Blue who is still screaming: *pushing Dust to the ground and running at the box* I NEED MY PHONE-
Killer: *tackles Blue*
Dream: *helping Killer restrain Blue*
Ink: *confused screaming*
Nightmare: *laughing*
Blue: *flips over also flipping over Killer and kicking him in the chest*
Killer: FUCK! *rolls over and clutches onto his chest*
Dream: HOLY CRAP BLUE CALM DOWN- *grabs onto both of Blue’s arms*
Blue screaming and kicks Dream in the shin: I NEED MY PHONE-
Dream: *falls down grabbing his shin* MOTHER FU-
Blue running and grabbing the box of phones: GIVE ME MY PHONE-
Ink trying to grab hold of Blue: BLUE WAIT-
Blue screaming and hits Ink in the face with the box: AHHH
Everyone else except Ink: *charging at Blue*
Blue grabs phone from out of the box: I GOT IT I GOT IT-
Horror: *hoists up a screaming Blue in the air*
Dust: *grabbing Blue from the thighs lifting him up even more*
Killer: *grabbing Blue’s phone from his hands*
Blue: NOOOOOO-
Killer: *puts Blue’s phone in the box*
Blue screaming and squirming: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Ink: *grabbing a chair*
Dream: *helping Dust and Horror restrain Blue*
Blue: *flipping around screaming and kicking*
Nightmare: *still laughing*
Everyone: *sets Blue down on the chair Ink grabbed*
Dream, Horror, and Dust: *holding Blue down on the chair and shushing him*
Blue: *calms down*
Ink: Holy shit...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are more incorrect quotes:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: Hey do you want to- stop screaming, its just me- do you want to watch a movie with me?
Dream: I'M IN THE SHOWER-
Killer: Okay well when you’re done with that do you want to watch a movie with me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
F!Frisk: You don't think I can fight because I'm a girl.
Blue: I don't feel like you can fight because you are in a wedding dress. But for what it's worth, I don't think Ink could fight in that dress either.
Ink: Perhaps not, but I would make a radiant bride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Classic banging on the closet door: Fell! Open up!
Fell: Well, it all started when I was born-
Classic: No I meant-
Blue: Shh....let him finish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: *sneaking in through the window at 2am*
Nightmare *flicking on the light and turning around in his chair*: So, Where were you?
Dust: I-I was with Cross!
Cross *turning around in his chair*: Wanna try again..?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Epic: Bruh, I want to give you the whole world but like...I only have 20 bucks.
Cross: Dude, come here.
Epic: *moves closer*
Cross: *hugs him*
Cross: I don't have any money but I got the world right here in my arms.
Epic: B r u h...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: How high was I last night?
Dream: You forgot what milk was and called it cereal water.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue to Ink: What time is it...?
Ink: Don't know. Hand me that flute and I'll find out
*Ink plays the flute*
Dream: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE FLUTE AT 2 AM?!
Ink: It's 2am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross doing a CROSS-word puzzle: I need a 9 letter word for disappointment....
Ink: Nightmare.
Dream and Cross slowly rising from their seats: Are you ready to fucking die..?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: How do Horror and Dust get out of these messes?
Killer: They don't. They just make a bigger mess to cancel out the first one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Passive Nightmare: Do I want to be feared or loved? Easy.
Passive: Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Cross under his breath: Then I'm fucking terrified.
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Ink: I'd like everybody's attention. Christmas is canceled.
Blue: You can't cancel a holiday.
Ink: Keep it up, Blue, and you'll lose New Year's.
Blue: What does that mean?
Ink: Dream, take New Year's away from Blue.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lust: okay so the gingerbread house instructions say to be very delicate-
Sci: *holding power drill* DELICACY!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: I can't believe you and Horror broke the bed last night.
Dust: It must have been wild.
Lust: Haha... Yeah...
[Last Night]
Lust: Bet 35G you can't jump high enough to touch the ceiling.
Horror: Try me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross: Hey ya'll. So, I know I'm the new guy here, but I think I can speak for everyone when I say... I don't know what the fuck is going on.
The Bad Guys: Agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Sets kitchen on fire]
Dust: shit- we need an adult.
Horror: You ARE an adult!
Dust looking extremely terrified: oh...oh fuck.
Horror: WE NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT. QUICK GO GET KILLER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nightmare: It's hard being the leader of the bad guys sometimes, but I love them all and that's all what matters-
Horror: Nightmare! Me, Fell, Dust, Killer, and Lust tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and we broke everything....
Nightmare: [inhales]
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Killer: You need a hobby Dust.
Dust: I already have a hobby Killer.
Killer: How many times do I have to tell you stalking Blue is not a hobby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Error: Ink? Why are you on top of the fridge?
Ink: Can I not be wherever I want?! Maybe I like it up here!
Error:
Error: Wheres the spider?
Ink, quietly: Underneath the table...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: I have come up with a three-step plan to get Nightmare to marry you!
Cross: Okay...Im listening....
Dust: Step one! Get him to play truth or dare.
Cross: Never mind please stop.
Dust: Step two! Wait for him to pick dare.
Cross: Dust. I swear.
Dust: Step three! Dare him to marry you.
Cross: God damn it.
Horror from another room: IT MIGHT WORK!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Killer: Synonyms are weird. Because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy, but if someone invites you to a cabin in the woods, you're going to die.
Blue: My favorite is 'butt-dial' vs 'booty call'
Sci: It's called connotation
Lust: Also, 'forgive me father for I have sinned'
Lust winking at horror: Vs 'sorry daddy, I've been naughty'
Horror whose face is now completely red: I-
Nightmare: Congrats! Language has officially been canceled.
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Dream, joking: I should have Killer kill you for that
Killer from another room: who?
Dream: Oh no its okay, I was kidding around-
Killer, walking in, with a hammer and knife in both hands: No, is he bothering you?
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Classic teaching Fell how to drive: Alright, you see Dust walking in the middle of the road. What do you hit?
Fell: ...oh definitely Dust.
Classic: The brakes Fell! You hit the brakes.
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Dust: Quick! Take my hand!
Blue: *grabs Dusts hand* Now what?
Dust: Nothing. I just wanted to hold hands!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross upset: I hate you guys and I'm never talking to a single one of you ever again!
[10 minutes later]
Cross kissing everyone's forehead: Goodnight Horror, Goodnight Lust, Goodnight Dust, Goodnight Killer, Goodnight Error.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blue: Psst! Error!
Error: what?
Blue: I made this friendship bracelet for you!
Error: Blue... you know I'm not really a jewerly person...
Blue: Oh. Its okay! You dont have to wear it-
Error: No. I'm going to wear it forever back off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: Me and Killer get along fine! Right Killz?
Killer: I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.
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Cross: I guess I'm just too tough to cry.
Horror: Just yesterday you were crying about snakes.
Cross sobbing a little: THEY DON'T HAVE ARMS HORROR-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reaper: Hey bitches!!! I've got starbuckssss-
Dust: YAY!!!
Error: FUCK YEAH-
Lust: AWESOME!
Nightmare: Reaper...please...its 3 am in the morning....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: Are you a cuddler?
Killer: I AM A MACHINE OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION- yeah I'm a cuddler.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Classic: Dont talk to me.
Papyrus: What happened brother?
Classic: I went and joined a Sans look-alike contest...
Classic: AND LOST-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dream: Sibling relationships are weird.
Dream: Like, I'd give Nightmare my spine but no way is he borrowing my charger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: Whats it like dating Nightmare?
Cross: One timeI asked him for water while he was still mad at me, and he brought be a full glass of ice and said "wait".
Dust:
Cross:
Cross: I love him-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dust: I can't go. Stress is bad for the baby.
Killer: What baby?
Dust: Me.
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Ink: I hate it when people ask me "whats the stupidest thing you've done?" Like bold of you to assume I've reached peak dumbass.
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Nightmare: If someone ever kidnapped you, I would hunt them down to the ends of the earth so I could kill them.
Cross: If you asked I would literally kill everyone in this room with no hesitation.
Dream [A little terrified and disturbed]: You know this is not what normal couples say to each other right...?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Geno: How do you politely tell someone you want to hit them in the face with a brick?
Sci: One wishes to acquaint your facial features in a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.
Lust shedding a fake tear: Thats the most beautiful thing I've ever heard....
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Blue, opening a Capri-sun: Guess I'll just drink my sorrows away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry if I posted a quote twice-
#crossmare#errorink#dustberry#passivecrossmare#Nightmare sans#dream sans#driller#kreme#dreamxkiller#nightmarexcross#dustxswap#murder sans#bloodlust#horrorlust#horrorsans#lustsans#horrorxlust#scifell#classic sans#afterdeath#bad guys#Star Sanses#Bad Sanses#reaperxgeno#reaper sans#fell sans
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Frostbite- Recovery (Chapter 3)
It was a decent day outside after a long, boring day of school. Crisp, clear, the sun peaking out from behind the canopy of clouds scattering the periwinkle blue sky. Casey strolled through the crowded streets of New York, thrilled to hang with his best (non human) friends.
"Casey, wait up!" Riley whined, blowing a huge bubble of pink bubblegum. She trailed behind her older brother with less pep in her step, due to her lugging a heavy backpack. She was a short middle schooler, with a jet black pixie cut and dark almond shaped eyes. Freckles dotted her fair cheeks. A complete pain, but he would be lying if he didn't say he cared for the little squirt.
"Sorry kid." Casey said, ruffling his little sister's hair, much to her annoyance. "I'll walk slower."
"So what are we gonna do today?" She asked eagerly. "The sky's the limit!" She flashed him a cheeky, braces filled grin. Riley didn't really have any friends of her own. Too shy, and a bit strange around her classmates. Her love of sports made her an outcast with the girls, and none of the boys wanted to hang with a 'weirdo'. Luckily, Casey would be her best friend for life, he had vowed that.
"You said it!" Casey checked his phone. A text from Raph asking if he was joining them for patrol.
Riley frowned. "Is that one of your friends again? The super weird ones?"
"Er...yeah." He pocketed his phone. "Boring friend stuff."
"Yeah, your gang."
"They're not a gang..."
"Mhm. Sure. I won't tell dad you're a drug dealer if you tell me the truth." She sang.
"I'm not a..." Casey said. "You're bluffing."
"Am I?" She looked mischievously at him, winking.
Laughing, Casey flicked her nose.
Riley looked at him seriously. "You're not gonna ditch me for them, again, right?"
"Nah, don't worry. Come on, let's go to the rink."
But Riley seemed distracted. She trailed ahead, following something that Casey didn't see.
"Hey, Ri! Wait up!" He panted, raising an eyebrow. "Riley Elizabeth Jones! You can't just run off..." He was starting to sound like her mother- which was enough to make him stop talking.
"Look at it..." She crouched down, cooing at a little racoon blinking and twitching its nose at her. "I'm gonna call you Sparky."
Casey winced, reminded of rats just by looking at the weird creature. "Ugh, no you're not- come on before the rink closes, pipsqueak."
"Aw, okay."
~•~
Evening drew quicker than he expected, and before he knew it, the sun had dipped down the horizon and the sky was a peachy orange. After making sure Riley was safe at home, he ducked through a manhole cover and climbed into the depths of the creepy sewers. The sewers weren't terrible, but he would be lying if he didn't have to plug his nose in order to prevent the foul odors from entering his precious nostrils. He didn't know how the turtles managed it. Wait...do turtles even have noses?
'I'll have to Google that later.' He thought to himself, trudging through the mucky waters, trying his best not to think about what exactly was in the water. Though he already knew the answer, it wasn't fun to dwell on such disgusting matters.
No, Casey Jones could handle the smell. But what he couldn't handle was...
A rat scurried past him and he let out an involuntary squeal of horror.
Rats still gave him the creeps.
Sighing, Casey stumbled his way into the lair, where he was pleased to find Raphael hunched over a game of pinball, deep in concentration.
"Hey Raph." He greeted, leaning forward to get a closer look.
Raph only grunted in response.
"We're still on tonight to ride our bikes?"
"No, Dr. Frankenstein still hasn't fixed my bike."
"Ah jeez. We can still hang though tonight? At patrol?"
"Ha, I wish! Nah, Leo wants us to go searching for the mutant tonight." He grumbled back. The ball spun around and fell forward, the brief moment of distraction causing the turtle to lose. A big 'Game Over' in neon lights hung mockingly over his head. "Argh...damnit!" He punched the arcade machine so roughly it nearly toppled over. "Whatever, that game's stupid anyway."
"Where is Leo anyway?"
"Doing some meditation shit with April and Sensei." Raphael shrugged. "To focus their minds. I dunno, I wasn't really listening. I tend to tune Leo out, y'know?" He gave a wicked grin. "Say, we might have some time to read some comics or-"
An aggressive, distorted guitar riff interrupted their banter- followed by what sounded like a man screaming like a banshee.
"Woah!" Casey exclaimed.
Raph grimaced. "Not again. He's always playing it at the worst possible moments."
"Mikey?" Casey wondered, thinking the genre of music must be the orange clad turtle's choice.
"Mikey?" Raph repeated, shaking his head. "Nope, that's all Donnie. When he needs to 'unwind' he plays it as loud as possible. Even without headphones!"
"Donnie?" Casey said, flabbergasted. "But he's so-"
"Geeky? Yeah I know. I can't believe he of all turtles thinks that crap is real music."
"Hey, it is real music!" Casey said defensively.
"Oops, did I strike a nerve?" Raph teased. "Didn't know you liked it."
"Well yeah! The Electric Skullz are legendary!"
"Aw, nerd bonding." Raph held a stubby hand up. "Please save me the embarrassment and go talk with someone who cares." He gave Casey a condescending pat on the head.
"Maybe I will." He said gruffly, following the noise.
Raph chortled with laughter, only stopping when he realized Casey was serious. "Wait- come on, man. I thought you and Donnie hated each other? Let's go do something- and he's gone."
Realizing he was now alone, he crossed his arms. "Eh, I'm gonna go watch Full House."
~•~
Casey hesitated, but ultimately his love for the heavy metal tunes was enough to follow it. He felt awkward, like he shouldn't be doing this. Casey Jones was no snoop- he just was embarrassingly curious for his own good.
Passing Leo's room, then Mikey's, he finally found the last room in the hall. He creaked open the door, peering inside.
Donnie's room had clearly not been slept in very often. It was neat, but not in the same neatness as Leonardo's, who frequently cleaned his room but it still looked used. This room looked barely touched, and the bed had no creases or anything proving a living being had slept in it. A folded tatami mat was poking under the bed. Posters of scientists, newspaper clippings and photographs were decorating the dull grey walls, strung together with such precision. Some inventions were scattered on the floor, clearly failed ones as they had wires sticking out.
But what caught his eye was the turtle in the middle. He was...dancing. Every movement he made was precise, delicate. Of course, the skills of being a ninja helped, but each step was to the beat (well, less beat, more of intense screaming). It was surprisingly adorable.
Wait...adorable? That couldn't be the right word.
"Sick moves!" He said, hoping his voice was loud over the music.
Donnie froze, suddenly aware he was being watched. His expression was a mixture of being mortified, then slowly switched to horror and anger.
"Wh- I- I wasn't-" He sputtered, blushing and stumbling over to shut the stereo off.
"Hey, hey, chillax." Casey raised one hand to show he meant no harm. "I love the Electric Skullz too!"
Donnie looked puzzled. "Y...You do?"
"Heh, for sure!" He replied genuinely, a smile revealing itself.
Donnie smiled back, finally relaxing. "And you're not just pulling my leg?"
"Nope. I'll prove it to ya. In 2012, the lead singer of the Electric Skullz was Nova Kun. She then stepped down after mysteriously disappearing. And then was replaced by-"
"James Mercedes!" Casey and Donnie finished in unison.
"Woah..." Donnie's eyes sparkled with delight. "My brothers always hated heavy metal. I don't even think they consider it real music!"
"Not even Mikey?"
Donnie shook his head. "He likes that bubblegum pop stuff. It's okay but..." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Not really my thing."
"Me neither." He agreed. "Don, you shouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed. This stuff's cool."
"You think so?"
"Would I ever lie to you?"
Donnie looked at him wearily.
"Would I ever lie to you about music?" Casey said. "I'm very serious when it comes to good tunes."
He thought for a moment, then smiled. "I guess not."
Casey returned the smile, bumping his shoulder playfully. The turtle's cheeks warmed, chuckling.
"Maybe you aren't so annoying."
"Gee, thanks, I'm touched." Casey said sarcastically. "You aren't so terrible either."
The bedroom door slammed open abruptly, causing both human and turtle to jump. A stoic Leonardo was behind the door.
"Patrol time Donnie." He said simply, his arms behind his back. "...and Casey?" He squinted, trying to process what he was looking at. "Uh...what's going on guys?"
They exchanged looks.
"Nothing!" lied Donnie.
"Just a couple of dudes being bros." Casey said, draping his arm around the tall turtle's shoulders. "Amigos, chum of chums..."
"Not there yet, Jones."
"Eh, he's warming up to me. We're like comrades...buddies..."
"I think I get it." Leo smirked.
Casey found himself leaning against Donnie's closet after he was pushed aside. "Say...why do you even have this? You guys don't even wear clothes..."
"That information is classified." Leo narrowed his eyes. "So, patrol?"
"No problemo Leo." Casey said quickly, stepping away to leave the room. "Are we partnering up again?"
"No, this is a solo stake out mission."
Casey looked back at Donnie who's eyes flickered in ...disappointment? The action was so brief, he barely caught it. No doubt Donnie was just upset about not being partnered with April. Yes, that had to be right. Why else would he be disappointed? Though Casey would be lying if he said he didn't want to talk about the Electric Skullz some more.
"You coming, Don?" Leo glanced back at his younger brother who hadn't moved from his spot.
"Yes, of course." The blank stare from Donatello had switched to a serious, determined one.
"Let's go."
~•~
Leo climbed out of the manhole cover, followed by Raph, Mikey, April, Casey and Donnie. He scanned the area, checking for anything suspicious. As the oldest brother and arguably the most mature, he had a duty to protect his family. So far the only suspicious activity was a raccoon rustling through a trash can. But he would never let his guard down for anything.
"Mikey and I last saw the mutant near Eastman and Laird. I'm thinking we scope around, keep our eyes peeled. If you see anything- and I mean anything, contact one of us and we'll come for backup. Your T-Phones are there for a reason."
"I dunno, Scalysnout was pretty tough!" Mikey said.
"Scalysnout." Raph repeated.
He looked sheepish. "Eh, it needs work."
"A lot of work."
After each member was assigned locations, Donnie started his mission alert and focused. Though he liked working with his brothers, April and to a lesser extent Casey, he was more in his element when he worked alone. It gave him time to breathe. Of course, the return of a dangerous mutant wasn't exactly comforting.
Climbing the roofs, the mutant ninja concentrated on making sure he wasn't being followed. Which involved him frequently checking behind himself.
'It's not paranoia, it's called being sharp.' Donnie silently quoted Leo under his breath.
The night was oddly quiet though. One would breathe a sigh of relief at the prospect of an early night, but Donnie still felt uneasy. He glanced around, the full moon glistening in the sky over a blanket of stars. Peaceful, if one wasn't anxious about a rampaging monster patrolling the dark streets.
Still...it didn't seem like anything was happening.
"Hey, let go of me!"
'And once again, I've spoken too soon.' Donnie thought bitterly to himself, but he followed the sound of distress.
He slid down the fire escape, landing in a dark alleyway. Turning the corner, but still hiding in the shadows, he found the source.
A girl, maybe eleven or twelve years old was furiously fighting off two Purple Dragons with her fists. Her attacks, though admirable, were completely useless. The gang members merely jeered and pushed her effortlessly to the ground. The girl was definitely a bit strange, especially with the racoon perched on her shoulder- but Donnie didn't have time to judge her.
"Ha, got it!" One of the members snatched her phone, tauntingly holding it over her head. Because of her size, she had no chance of grabbing it back.
"Give it back, creep!"
Donnie had to act now or this girl was toast. Raising his bō in front of him, he whacked one of the members to the ground with a swift movement.
"What the-"
"Who did that? Show yourself!" One of the men demanded, swinging his switchblade defensively.
The other lay on the ground groaning in pain.
Donatello knew better than to make himself seen- especially in front of the girl. But that didn't stop him from defending her. He jabbed his staff directly in the other man's solar plexus, knocking him down instantly.
Realizing their invisible opponent was fierce, the Purple Dragons made a hasty retreat.
"Wow that was nuclear!" The girl exclaimed, eyes wide. "Thanks, er, whoever you are."
"Not a problem. Do you need help getting home?"
"Yeah, my brother would probably kill me if he knew I was walking home alone. I just came to pick up some food from Murakami and then those creeps attacked me."
"They're known for that." Donnie agreed. "You really shouldn't be walking alone at night. It's dangerous for a kid." He hadn't meant to sound condescending, but the girl bristled anyway.
"Hey, I'm thirteen!" She paused, biting her lip. "Almost."
Donnie chuckled lightly. "Still, I'll help you get home."
"Thanks...erm...?"
"Donatello." He supplied.
"I'm Riley." She started to walk ahead, but realized her new friend didn't seem to be following her.
"I'm behind you, don't worry." Donnie said. "Just have to keep my distance."
"Ain't ya gonna show yourself?"
"Better not. But if anyone comes at ya, I'll help."
Riley stopped, now suspicious. "Come into the light."
"Riley I..."
"Do it now."
He could hear Master Splinter's scolding as he stepped out of the shadows in front of the streetlight. He held his breath, awaiting a scream. A little girl seeing a giant humanoid turtle was destined to end horribly. But she had a gutsy look in her eye that comforted him slightly.
"Woah..." Riley uttered. "You're a ..." She reached a shaky hand to lightly touch Donnie's bicep. "You're real?"
Donnie nodded slowly, his brown eyes looking gently at the little girl. "I am."
"Are you an alien or...is this a costume?"
He chuckled. "Not quite."
"Either way, I owe you one for saving me. I don't care what you look like. I've seen weirder."
Donnie had a faint suspicion she was referring to the Kraang invasion.
"Besides," She continued. "No one will mess with me if you're by my side." She smirked, and Donnie swore her cheeky grin looked strangely familiar.
~•~
By the time Donnie had returned, the other three brothers were already at the lair. To his surprise, it wasn't Raphael who was in a sour mood. It was Leo, who stormed over with the rage of someone who was told Space Heroes had been cancelled.
"Where have you been?" He demanded, cutting any small talk.
"On...patrol?" Donnie stared down quizzically at his shorter brother. "Like we were supposed to."
"Don't sass me. You had us worried."
"I wasn't worried." Raph replied honestly. " "Chill, Mother Hen. Donnie's a big boy." Raph rolled his eyes.
"Thank you, Raphael."
"We all came back half an hour ago." Leo crossed his arms bossily.
"Don't mind him. He's just grumpy because none of us found Scaleysnout." Mikey murmured, eyes glued to the TV screen.
"That's not why I was...I was concerned, is all."
"I wasn't aware there was a curfew." Donnie shot back irritably. "Something held me up."
"Like what? A stop sign?" Mikey said, collapsing into giggles as if it was the funniest joke. When nobody laughed he scooted back to the television set. His oldest brothers stared at him for a moment, before looking back at Donnie.
"Explain?" Leo asked.
"The Purple Dragons attacked some kid. I couldn't just stand there so I defended her."
"Nice work D!" Mikey praised.
"How admirable." said Raph sarcastically. "You saved one person. Do you want a gold star? We save people all the freakin' time, genius. Except we don't usually gloat about it."
"I'd hardly call that gloating." defended Donnie.
"Besides you should really talk. You gloat, like, all the time Raph." Mikey teased, bracing himself for Raphael to slap him on the head. "Uncle, uncle!" He wailed. "I'm sorry! Raph, stop!"
Leo stayed silent, analyzing the situation.
"She was just a kid. I didn't know what else to do." Donnie said, reading Leo's unimpressed body language. "And she didn't freak out when she saw me...so that's always a plus."
"She saw you?" Leo repeated. "Donatello, that was completely foolish! You know Sensei always told us to stay in the shadows."
Donnie hung his head, already preparing himself for a lecture.
"When I tell Splinter..."
"You wouldn't, Leo." Donnie interrupted. "Because that would be so hypocritical of you, and you know it. Showing myself was the only way to save her- Riley. And who's going to believe that a giant talking turtle saved her from a gang? Be realistic."
Leo's lips twitched, ready to retort, but didn't. "Fine."
Raph looked up, releasing Mikey from a chokehold. "Did you say Riley? That's weird."
"It's a fairly common name Raph."
"Well, yeah. It's also Casey's sister's name. He's mentioned her a few times to me."
Donnie perked up slightly. "Oh...that's interesting."
"Could just be a coincidence. New York is a pretty big city."
"I guess so."
"You need to be more careful, Donnie." Leo scolded. "You were lucky this person you saved was related to one of our friends. If she even is."
"Jones and I aren't really friends." He thought for a moment, remembering just a few hours ago when they bonded over music. "It's complicated."
"Aw no way!" Mikey complained. "I thought you two were finally getting along! This is bogus, dude!"
"Why do you even care?"
"Because you two have a lot in common!" Mikey scooted over. "I thought you guys would be bros in no time." He pointed at the screen. "Watch this for a sec. See, these two characters Ripjaw and Ellie hated each other!"
"Yeah, and?"
"I remember this episode." Leo said fondly.
Donnie watched the television moodily. Two heroes in spacesuits seemed to be arguing about something.
"Stop following me, you fool! You're always getting in my way."
"So?" He said, hands on his hips. "That doesn't mean anything."
"Keep watching!" Mikey snapped, uncharacteristically harsh. "Look!"
"We have to put aside our differences!" Ellie yelled. "If we don't, the evil Slothman will kill our friends!"
"I'm not working with you!" Ripjaw sneered.
"Stop being selfish! Why do you even hate me so much?"
"Because...I love you."
"You...do?"
"More than anything."
"I love you too!"
Donnie made a face of pure horror as the character's embraced. "No. No way!"
Leo and Raph meanwhile seemed to find this extremely amusing.
"See what I mean?" Mikey pointed out, oblivious to the implications.
"Oh you bet we do." Raph sneered. "Can I plan the wedding?"
Leo batted his eyelashes. "I'll be the best man." He concluded.
"I'll be the Flower girl!" Mikey chimed in, eager to be included.
Donnie's cheeks turned beet red.
"Well I didn't mean you two kiss or anything." Mikey said sheepishly. "But you could totally be friends!"
Donnie shook his head furiously. "Over my dead body. I'd rather eat raw sewage than be friends with him. Let alone-" He blushed.
"Aw, love is still alive." Raph rested his head on his palms.
Donnie scowled.
Leo frowned. "Come on Don, you know we were only teasing."
"Whatever. This show is clearly for kids. I've got work to do."
The three remaining brothers looked at each other uneasily as they watched Donatello storm away to his lab.
"That ...didn't exactly go to plan." Mikey said nervously.
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The Infiltration
Eh? Who the fuck are you?
Um. Apologies...I got a call about a broken light?
Oh...so you’re the repair guy? Arrived quicker than I thought...
I like to be on time...
Well good. Yeah, a couple lights on the second floor of the building went kaput...We were thinking the circuit broke or something...The main box is on the outside of the building, just down the hall to your left.
Thanks. But um...Sorry if this seems like I’m being too personal, but would you mind if I took a look at the indoor circuit too?
The fuck? Why?
It’s just to get a better look at the whole system...yeah, I’d rather not bore you with the details...I don’t wanna do it either, but it’s company policy.
Don’t worry, I won’t touch anything I’m not supposed to.
Hm...Fine, if that’s the case. There’s a security office on the left.
Thank you very much.
So...Security Office.
*He takes out the walkie-talkie that he had hidden in his pocket.
Hey, this is Shuichi. What’s my next move?
Kyoko: Good. You’re inside. Where are you right now?
I hid away in the security office. There’s no one in here with me right now...
Kyoko: Ok, good. Keep an eye out in that room. There should be a map of the whole building.
Ok, I found it...Ok, so Eje Karma’s room is on the top floor, and it looks like there are three ways up...The stairs, the elevator, or the fire stairs outside...
Chihiro: I think the best course of action would be to take the the fire stairs. The electric box is out that way, so you wouldn’t get caught...What you do from there, I don’t know...
I’ll figure something out...It’s just to my left out the office, right?
There’s the box that Chihiro cut...Sorry buddy, but I guess you’re not being fixed today...
Hey! You!
H-Huh?
You. You’re the repair dude, right? Here to fix the lights?
U-Um...yeah, I am...
C’mere a sec...got somethin’ ya need to look at...
O-Ok...(Shoot...Don’t have a choice...)
*Shuichi follows the guy to the second floor. He leads him into an office.
Look at this. Our fucking TV’s not working...Mind fixing it for us? Powers on but nothing’s showing up...
Um...Well, I’d like to, but unfortunately, TV’s aren’t really within our expertise...
Oh Bull-fucking-shit! Look, you’re an electrician! TV’s run on fucking electricity! Get the fuck to work, and maybe I’ll pay ya extra...
(Dammit...What to do...)
Kyoko: Shuichi? What’s going on?
Huh? What’s that? I just heard a voice...
Oh, s-sorry, that’s my work radio...L-Let me switch it off...
*Shuichi reaches into his pocket and turns off the walkie-talkie
(That was close...but I’m still in deep...I’ve never even fixed a computer before! How am I supposed to fix a whole Television!?)
We’re waiting...!
S-Sorry um...
Hm...It looks like the TV itself isn’t broken...The connectivity isn’t right...
Don’t you gotta take off panels and fiddle with the wiring and shit?
No, there’s no need for that...I’ll just have to...
S-Sorry for this...
*Shuichi smacks the top of the TV. Unfortunately, this gets no reaction...
Hey, don’t break the damn thing...!
I know, I’m sorry, but it’s really just that simple...Mind if I hit it a little harder?
Just don’t crack it or nothin’
Th-Thank you.
*His face profusely sweating, Shuichi hits the TV with his knee. Surprisingly enough, it works, and the TV turns back on.
(Y-Yes!)
Damn! That’s cool! Didn’t realize it was that easy.
Well, I can’t say I blame you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders...
Whatd’ya mean?
Normally when these types of things stop working, a lot of people try and give it a good smack to get it working again.
Guess you didn’t want to risk it...
Ah, I see...well, thanks for that. Sorry ‘bout all this...I’ll letcha get back to work...
Thank you...
*Shuichi goes to leave the room, but then as he does, someone else walks in.
Huh? The fuck are you?
Oh, s-sorry...
Captain Karma! This is the dude who came to fix the lights. We just had him take a look at the TV.
Yeah, what he said...(It’s him! Eje Karma!)
...
I-Is something wrong sir...?
You...You ain’t the usual guy...That’s kinda weird...
Oh...(They have a usual guy!? How often do the lights go out in this building!?)
(Then again...this place does look a bit run down...and there’s so many people taking refuse in here...)
This is the first time anyone else’s come for us...What happened to him, huh?
Tch...I’m gonna get to the bottom of this...
Ah, sir wait a moment!
What is it?
Th-The thing is...um...
I feel like there’s been a bit of a mistake down the line...What company did you have your men call?
Huh? Called in Light Electrics...Ain’t that the company where you work...?
Ah...I see the problem...
What?
I think you might have called in two repairmen...I’m from a different company.
What company...?
It’s called...Um...
Kalls: 1. Breaks: 0...
“Kalls: 1 Breaks 0?”
Yes, Calls spelled with a K. K1-B0 for short...
Can’t say I’ve hearda you...
Yeah, so I guess someone else called me in accidentally...
...
...(Please buy it! Please, for the love of Atua, buy it!)
I see...Well, sorry ‘bout all this...You gonna get back to work then?
Yes sir, if you’ll let me. I’m terribly sorry about all this...
Nah S’okay...Just a bit of an error I guess...
Need me to pay you or somethin’
No, it’s fine. Someone already told me they’d sort it out after I was done...
Well, you do your thing. Sorry ‘bout all this, again...
*Eje goes up the stairs to his office.
(Wow...I am surprisingly good at lying!)
(Well...at least I tricked him...That was terrifying though!)
*Shuichi hides in a quiet corner where no one can see him and turns his walkie-talkie back on.
Kyoko: Shuichi! Respond! Please respond...!
Sorry Ms Kirigiri, I’m here...I didn’t mean to worry you...
Chihiro: Oh thank god...You’re ok. I feared the worst...
So did I...I had a run in with Captain Karma, but I was able to trick him.
He’s probably back at his office above me. But in order to get there, I need to take the stairs...
Kyoko: So, what’s the problem?
There’s a locked door, and I can’t get in...It’s a security lock too, so I can’t pick it...
Chihiro: Hm...You’re on the third floor, right Shuichi?
Yeah, I am?
Chihiro: Would you mind going to the window and opening it?
Um...ok...
*Shuichi opens the window and recoils in surprise as Chihiro’s drone flies in through the window.
Ah!
Chihiro: I worked with Kazuichi to make a modification to the drone...Stand back.
*The drone flies to the lock and a small, screwdriver looking instrument extrudes from it. A few electrical sparks glow as the screwdriver touches the lock, and then it suddenly opens.
Ah! It worked!
Kyoko: Those stairs will take you to the roof Shuichi. If you go up there and go down the fire escape, you should be able to get to Eje’s office.
Got it...
Er...
*Shuichi gets to the roof and witnesses a couple of the gang members having an argument. More specifically, it seems like a brawl is going on and a bunch of people are making bets.
Chihiro: I can see about...14 gang members there...
Kyoko: They look busy. I think you should try and sneak past them...
Got it...
*Shuichi scales the edge areas of the roof and works his way around several pipes and stacks of crates that are just lying around on the roof. He easily manages to sneak past the fight and then runs into a fence. In an attempt to climb it, he scales over and unfortunately lands on an unbalanced pile of crates.
Uh...AH!
*He loses his footing and slips, which attracts the attention of the fight observers...
Hey! Who’re you!?
Ah w-well...
*Before Shuichi can reply, three gang members strut up to him and grab him.
Alright...Screw it!
*Shuichi removes his hat and in self defense, headbutts the man who grabbed him. He dodges punches from some other assailants and then jump kicks another guy.
Ah...WAH!
Oh no!
*After being knocked back, the guy Shuichi kicks falls backwards off the roof of the building. Shuichi, at the fastest speed he can run, rushes up and grabs his leg, saving him from falling to hsi death.
AAAAHH! H-HELP ME! I DON’T WANNA DIE!
Easy...now!
*Shuichi, with as much strength as he can muster, is successfully able to pull him back up onto the roof. The thug passes out from the shock of the situation though. Shuichi sighs in relief, but that relief is washed away when he realises he’s surrounded.
Who the fuck are you, you bastard!?
I’m...
Wait...!
Huh?
C-Captain...
*Eje struts onto the scene...
...
Captain Karma...?
Let me guess...You really ain’t some maintenance guy, are ya?
Apologies, no...I wanted to speak to you about something of utmost importance, and unfortunately, this was the only way I could do so...
Awright...Tell me something pal...
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t have your skull smashed in with a slab o’ concrete!?
...
Simple...You owe me...
Huh!?
Your buddy was just about to fall off the roof and I saved his life...In this gang, you believe you should repay the people you’re indebted to, right?
I don’t know about you, but I think that includes me now...
...
Captain Karma, don’t listen to this fuckers talk! He’s trying to buy his way outta this...
I should also tell you that my allies have already have us surrounded secretly. If you kill me, there’s no way you’re getting my body out of this building...
Tch...
I don’t know what you want, but tell me who you are...and maybe I’ll consider it...
My name is Detective Shuichi Saihara.
Detective? Wait, you’re a cop?
No, not exactly. I’m a detective, but I don’t work for the police.
...
Fine...
What!?
Hey, assholes, get back to work!
Spud! Chum! You two come with me and...Shyhara, to my office...
Thank you for your hospitality Mr Karma...
You got this Kyoko?
Kyoko: Yes. We can see you with the drone. Looks like you got caught huh?
Sorry...I failed you again...
Kyoko: You did no such thing. Your mission was to get an audience with Karma, and you’ve succeeded. But do me a favour. Don’t tell him about your walkie-talkie unless you absolutely need to.
Got it...!
*Shuichi follows Eje and his goons.
#danganronpa survivor#danganronpa#danganronpa v3#drv3#oc#shuichi saihara#eje karma#the trial of koichi kizakura arc#shuichi is very good at lying
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Spork Haven chapter 24: fucking blinds and curtains
welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of
previous chapter | next chapter | contents
previously on Spork Haven:
panic! at the awards ceremony! the mafia tried to kidnap poor little orphan celloist rich bitch murder witness hotel maid!Bella! they were foiled by Jasper! actor!Edward looked into Jasper’s luminous hazel eyes and had a Moment! Bella dumped Edward’s ass! el james was transphobic!
it may seem like it’s gonna be all downhill from here after the thrilling emotional highs and lows of last chapter, but don’t worry, gang—chapter 24 has Esme! just bear with me until we reach The Part With Esme. there’s also a dog.
we open exactly where chapter 23 left off, seconds after Edward has been blindsided by the dumping of the century.
the first thing he does is grab Taylor and announce that they’re going to go get drunk. the second thing he does is shake Emmett’s hand and bid him a fond farewell. the third thing he does is say “Hale,” and walk out the door. wow. not even gonna look him in the luminous hazel eyes, huh? rude.
then we cut to the next morning, when Ed wakes up hungoverdrunk.
don’t ask me why the chapter couldn’t have just started here, because there is absolutely no reason.
Edward shows back up at the hospital stumbling drunk, looking like regurgitated roadkill, and asks the receptionist which room Bella is in. She tells him the room number, but Ed’s not really digging the look she’s giving him
ah yes. she should totally be rolling out the welcome mat for you, the unstable, visibly drunk ex-boyfriend of a patient who told you to leave and not return.
Emmett is outside Bella’s room and
he refuses to let Edward enter, telling him Bella doesn’t want to see him and he’ll use force to keep him out if necessary. the beautiful feminist himbo we DESERVE! not even erika can ruin Emmett.
Edward leaves, feeling “so fucking impotent.” no word on what this means for the Dicksona.
then we get a nice disorienting time skip! it’s also a location skip. Edward is now in London, walking around a park with his parents and “Pansy my westie.”
Carlisle, Esme, and a dog? sounds too good to be true.
it struck me immediately that having a dog—and a dog with a name—is WAY more of a personality trait than anything else Edward has displayed thus far. and “westie” seemed like a suspiciously specific detail, considering the general detail-less-ness of this fic. my first thought was “erika definitely has a westie named pansy,” so I googled “el james dog.”
but of course erika doesn’t have a westie named pansy! she has a westie named max.
Esme and Edward have a heart-to-heart where she asks him what’s wrong.
you mean you don’t tell her about how “little Bella” makes your dick do the rumba? or about how you like to throw used condoms on the floor when you bother to use them at all? good choice, IDIOT.
Esme is consoling, but doesn’t really weigh in on the Bella situation except to say
which leads him to conclude
LMAO WHO WOULDN’T BE
Edward goes to chill in his old room at his parents’ house for a bit, calling it a “safe haven.” but wait, I thought the safe haven was Bella’s vagina? not anymore, I guess. while he’s lying around in his room, Edward fills us in on all the much more interesting events that have been happening...oh, offstage left. just out of frame.
note that there is no word whatsoever on who Bella’s mysterious drag queen kidnapper was and whether or not they survived being shot. because why would we be interested in boring shit like that when we can read about Edward staring at the Arsenal posters on his wall instead? riveting.
then there’s a knock at the door—someone’s here to see Edward!
is it Bella?
no!
it’s...Alistair. hi, Alistair.
in this fic, Alistair is Edward’s “old school chum” and they go out and get drunk together. there is absolutely no reason for the inclusion of this scene except that erika wanted the fakeout in the beginning where we think it’s Bella, and then she decided to really commit to the Alistair thing for some reason.
the next morning, Edward wakes up in his own apartment with another hangover, and erika delivers another classic Pulitzer Worthy™ sentence:
“light pierces my eyelids with...light.”
I’d like to pierce Edward’s eyelids with a good sharp stick.
the light is there because
lol fucking dumb. he’s awakened again in the late afternoon by someone pounding on his door. is it Bella? no! it’s
hell yeah! oh, and Esme. Esme is also there. jackpot!
Edward instantly jumps to the most horrible possible conclusion, of course—that Bella must be dead.
a+ characterization, for once. but Emmett “cuts to the fucking chase” and assures Ed that Bella is fine. Edward’s reaction to this is to “double over with his hands on his knees.”
okay then.
Esme and Emmett ignore him. Esme goes to the kitchen to make tea and pretend like she’s not listening in on Edward and Emmett’s conversation. she’s gonna have a hard time with this task because
meanwhile, Emmett delivers another infodump full of events ten times more interesting than any of this chapter’s actual contents:
why? because!
Edward admits he thought that Bella would come find him. Emmett says that’s not gonna happen, and Edward’s resulting confusion is conveyed thusly:
then Emmett drops the least interesting ““plot twist”” of all time:
oh gee, really? after getting rawed 24/7 and repeatedly nutted in without a condom? WHOEVER could have PREDICTED such a groundbreaking TWIST??
hey, this means that those of you who voted “she’s pregnant and she’s been poisoned” in the ol’ poll are our Winners! slide into my dms and tell me your favorite part of Safe Haven and I’ll make you a meme or something. in fact, slide into my dms if you voted in the poll at all! special shoutout to the person who specified “pregnant and roofied.” a+ predicting skills! alice is shaking.
of course, Edward handles the news very well
but perhaps a more interesting twist than Bella being pregnant is Emmett knowing about Bella being pregnant:
oh ok. so you came all the way across an ocean without her knowledge in order to share information she hasn’t told you and doesn’t want you to know.
but how does Emmett know about the pregnancy if Bella didn’t tell him, you ask? because he went through her trash and found the stick she pissed on, of course!
I take it back. maybe erika can ruin Emmett.
when Edward asks why Bella hasn’t contacted and told him, Emmett’s answer is
lol, women be shopping!! they sure love to gossip, apply makeup, and hide their pregnancies!!
Edward absorbs this information with the grace and maturity we all know and admire
hello child protective services i’d like to report a shitty author? her characters are too goddamn stupid to be trusted around fictional children of any kind and one of them is a legit psychopath. ma’am? ma’am? oh she hung up
Edward asks where Bella is now, and Emmett tells him she’s back in her New Orleans mansion. but it’s ok, she’s not alone! Jasper is also there as her security, keeping a luminous hazel eye on things. Edward is totally fine with this, by which I mean he immediately throws a screaming rage fit.
ugh, Jasper. what a dick. quick recap, once again, of everyone’s Crimes:
Jasper:
protected Bella for six months
risked his own safety to heroically save her life
Edward:
cheated on Bella with Tanya
refused to take no for an answer when she broke up with him—twice
showed up at her hospital room drunk, angry, and uninvited
fantasized about beating her as recently as ten seconds ago
Edward jumps up and resolves to go to New Orleans right now, and there the chapter ends abruptly. Like, really abruptly:
and that’s it, that’s the last sentence of the chapter. multiple sets of ellipses, but not a full stop in sight.
throwback to the very first meme I made for this series! 🤪✌️
best “fucks”
“I don’t fucking believe it”
“all the fucking madness”
“I stop fucking breathing”
“fuck knows what”
“fuck-off grin”
“so fucking flat” (edward)
“so fucking unnerving” (esme)
next chapter: gone with the fucking wind
#spork haven#twilight fanfiction#anti e.l. james#abuse //#misogyny //#alcohol //#unsafe for work text //#yes I reserve the right to reuse any meme at any time thank you very much
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Total Drama Smash Bros: Episode 2, Part 2 Something Fishy This Way Comes...
*Wario wanders around a dark and fog-filled campground by a lake, looking in vain for the tell-tale signs of the Camp in question, unfortunately it seems like he's in the wrong place*
Wario: Welp, that's it, I'm lost. Sakurai damn it! What's a guy got to do to steal a measley twenty-million around here!?
*An unknown 1st Person POV shot begins tracking Wario through the abandoned campground while breathing heavilly*
Wario: Dammit Ganondorf! You couldn't of hidden your summer camp of torture somewhere more accessible?! And what's this shit about not inviting me to help in your revenge fetish story?! And what the hell is up with this place?! Camp Crystal Lake?! What kind of bullshit name for a camp is that?! You might as well name it Camp Super Happy and be done with it! Why I outghta-
*Wario is interrupted from his rant by the 1st Person POV approaching behind him. Wario turns to see a massive mountain of a man in ragged clothes wearing a hockey mask and wielding a machete.*
Wario: Oh, hey there buddy. You okay? You're breathing kind of heavy. You need a cough drop or something?
*The man does not respond, merely continues breathing heavily and glaring at Wario*
Wario: Hey, buddy! I'm talkin' to ya! *More silence* Look buddy, you're kind of violating Wairo's personal space, so I'm gonna have to ask you to back off.
*The man does not respond, merely lifting up his mask and allowing Wario to see his face before replacing it*
Wario: Woah! Buddy, that's one hell of a condition! I've got some skin cream in my bag, here let me get it for ya. *The masked man raises his machete as Wario fishes through his pack.*
------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------------------------------------
Back at the Fishing Grounds
*The boats have shoved off and the teams have departed. Some are doing well! Others are doing... not so well.*
(Erdrick and Robyn's boat)
Erdrick: I got one! We're eating good tonight!*Begins reeling in his line*
Robyn: Wow. That was fast.
Erdrick: Almost here... almost here...! *he reels it in revealing it to be... an old boot* Aw, tartar sauce. *he glumly throws the boot into the boat*
(Roy and Samus' boat)
Samus: Jeez, how do you use this thing? It's so primitive!
Roy: Well, how do you usually go fishing?
Samus: I get on a aqua terrain suit, load up my spear-gun, and take the offensive. None of this waiting around crap.
Roy: Right, future, forgot. *sighs* Here, let me show you.
Samus: Right. So, where's the prime interface so I can load up the targeting system?
*Roy facepalms*
(Link and Bonny Janet)
Link: *staring at the water thoughtfully, surveying the whole area*
Bonny Janet: Oi! Elfy! Ya goona let ma in oon tha' big secret?
Link: Just determining the best place to fish. Have to take into account water currents, sunshine, and a whole bunch of other- fuck it. *Link jumps into the water and reemerges a minute later with a Spotted buck-Salmon clenched between his jaws*
Bonny Janet: BLOODY HELL! Do ya always fish like thaat?
Link, spitting the fish into the boat: My ancestors used fishing rods, but Mipha taught me to fish like a Zora. Lots more efficient.
Bonny Janet thinks for a moment before an evil grin comes over her face: Oi. Ya think ya could get moore tha' way? We git moore, oone fer each oof our team... an' wee've goot a good chance o' winnin'!
Link, pulling himself into the boat: Huh. Good idea Bonny.
*The two look over to see Marth struggling to thread a fishing line through a hook and Joker shooting into the water with his gun, trying to hit one of the fish.*
Bonny Janet: Oi! Princey! Witch-son! *Bonny throws the fish Link caught at their boat, smacking Marth in the face, knocking him down*
Joker, picking up the fish from an unconscious Marth: Thanks Bonny!
*Link and Bonny Janet give a thumbs up which Peach sees and grows frustrated*
-
Confessional
Peach: This is bad. Link and the imp working together?! This is seriously bad news.
-
(With Erdrick and Robyn again)
Erdrick: Ooh! Ooh! I know I got one this time!
*Erdrick reels in his catch only to be another boot.*
Erdrick: Gods dammit! *tosses it beside the other boot*
(With Lucina and Dark Pit)
*The two are sitting in silence together*
Lucina: Hey, DP, you want some? *holds up a bag of chocolate covered peanuts*
Dark Pit: Sure, hand 'em over.
*Lucina gives DP some*
-
Confessional
Dark Pit: I appreciate Lucina. She's knows that sometimes people just don't want to talk.
-
*Lucina suddenly gets a bite on her line*
Lucina: Shit! It's a big one! *Lucina does her best to reel in the catch. Dark Pit comes up behind her and helps her haul up on the line* Almost! There!
*The catch finally breeches the surface and they see that they have hooked a massive shark. All three simply stare at each other for a long moment before Dark Pit slowly reaches forward and cuts the line. The shark disappears beneath the waves and Lucina slowly puts down her line, curling into a ball*
(With Peach, Zelda, and Pit's boat)
*Peach, Zelda, and Pit have carefully followed Link and Bonny Janet as they've fished up a small pile of their prey to distribute to their team.*
Peach: Okay Zelda, now's your chance. Drive the wedge! Drive it!
*Zelda looks reluctnant but nods*
Peach: And Pit. I need you to sneak over and steal all those fish while they're distracted!
-
Confessional
Peach: I hated to drive Zelda and Pit like that, but I need this prize money! Bowser's conctant kidnapping of me, destroying my kingdom over and over, and the subsequent repairs and reparations have left the royal coffers practically empty! The Mushroom Kingdom needs the financial boost.
-
Confessional
Pit: I'm not sure I like how Peach is running this alliance. I want to win too, but Link and Bonny seem to be finally making friends. I know I'm not very smart, that's why I let Peach and Zelda call most of the shots... but I don't know about this.
-
Zelda: Oh, Link! You're real good at this!
Link: Thanks Zelda! It's good to know we're still friends even though we're on different teams
Zelda, looking even more guilty now, continues: You probably could have caught more if Bonny had contributed more.
Bonny Janet: Oi! Where do ya get oof ya pastel pint! Ah've helped more than ye've helped yer team!
Link: Hey! Lay off Zelda! She's not used to doing stuff like this.
Bonny Janet: Ooo ya! She joost sits in 'er castle 'an let's folk like ye do all the werk! Didn' know ye were soocha doormat Elfy!
Link: Zelda's done lots to help Hyrule! And I'm not a doormat.
Bonny Janet: Soonds lake soomethin' a doormat would say!
*As they argue neither notice Pit surfacing from the water beside their boat*
Red: Hey!
*Bonny and Link turn to see that Red and Leaf have come up near them*
Leaf: Both of you, cut it out! You're on the same team! You can tear each other apart AFTER we win. You're teammates aren't you? Act like it!
*Both Link and Bonny shift uncomfortably*
Bonny: Aye. Ah' suppose ah' woos a wee bit harsh.
Link: And I think I spoke rashly.
Bonny: Aye... peace? *she offers her hand*
Link: Yeah, pea- HEY!
*Both turn and see Pit swimming away with their catch*
Bonny Janet: YOU DIRTY THIEF!
Link: Dammit!
Red: Sorry guys.
Bonny Janet: Oi! Elfy! Can ye catch more?!
Link, frowning: I don't know... maybe?
*Peach, meanwhile, grabs her team's bucket of bait, a load of chum, and hurls it into the water around Link and Bonny's boat*
Link: Oooh, that's not good.
*Instantly over a dozen sharks surface around them with evil grins on their faces*
(With Erdrick and Robyn)
Erdrick: Oh boy! Finally!
Robyn: If it's another damn boot.
Erdrick: No way! It's way too big to be a boot! *Begins to reel it in* We're... guaranteed... to win! *Erdrick hauls up his catch... only to find it a massive crate full of boots*
Robyn: I don't know why I expected any different.
*A massive whistle suddenly sounds out and they all turn to see Ganondorf on the shore*
Ganondorf: And that's it kiddies! Time's up!
Corrine: Time's up! But you- You- uggh. I'm not even going to bother.
Ganondorf: Good call! Now haul in and let's see what you've caught!
--------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
*The Campers are all assembled. The Koopas all hold fish distributed to them by Peach's team's ill gotten gains. Link and Bonny, bruised and beaten from their shark attack, glare at the three offenders. Pit and Zelda look down guiltily.*
Ganondorf: What a fishing trip that was! Way better than I thought it was gonna be.
Red: Yeah. *Glaring daggers at Peach and company* A lot more theivery than I expected too.
Ganondorf: True, but not against the rules. *Ganondorf takes in the teams* Now, only Marth and Joker managed to bring in a fish... but it's the biggest one! Goombas take this one!
*There's a bit of shocked silence before the Goombas start cheering and the Koopas look on in shock and anger*
Peach: But! B-but-
Ganondorf: If you'll recall, I said only that the team “with the biggest fish wins”. Not how many. Quality over quantity.
Bonny Janet: Boo yeah!
Link: Hell yeah! *the two high five each other*
Ganondorf: That mean that the Goombas will have the advantage in part two of today's challenge. We'll be right back with the exciting conclusion of Episode 2... of Total, Drama, Smash Bros!
#incorrect super smash bros#super smash bros#incorrect quotes#Total Drama#Total Drama Smash bros#Episode 2#Part 2#Ganondorf#Link#Robin#Corrin#Pit#Dark Pit#Zelda#Peach#Pokemon trainer#Red#Leaf#Bonny Janet#Wario#Jason Voorhees#Erdrick#Marth#Joker#Samus#Roy#Legend of Zelda#Fire emblem#Pokemon#Super Mario
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Diamond City Security Dialogue
One Liners
Yeah. It's true. I got shot in the ass last year. Long story.
You been to Goodneighbor? Friggin' hole. Ghouls and chem heads all over.
A beer and my slippers after this shift. That's all I ask.
Hey, you that trader, up from Quincy? You sell any ointment? I got me this itch...
I hear you been asking questions around town. What, Diamond City's got two private dicks now?
Wanna do something fun? Run the bases. Trust me.
Ahem. Well hello beautiful.
Now what can I do for you, sweetheart?
Broke up with my girl. She kept the cap off the toothpaste. Know who does that? A synth.
Word of advice - never call your mother a synth unless she really is one. Yikes.
Crouching
Get off your knees. You look like a jackass.
What the HELL are you doing?
Whoa, whoa, no public squatting. Go find a bathroom. Jeez.
Intro Scene/Fighting Supermutants
Super Mutants!
Here's some Diamond City firepower you green uglies!
[Player helped fight] Damn. Not afraid of mutants, huh? You're our kind of guy/gal.
[Player helped fight, but didn’t get any kills] Mutants sure are hard to kill, huh? Thanks for the assist.
[Strong is a companion] Hey, uh, appreciate the help and all, but maybe keep your big, green friend out of the city, yeah?
[Strong is a companion] Hey, uh, welcome to our town and all, but maybe leave your big, green friend outside the gate, yeah?
[Player stood by] Not eager to get into a fight with mutants, huh? *sigh* I guess I can't blame ya.
[If there were many casualties] Dammit. Lost a lot of good guys today... When are the mutants gonna stop, huh?
Protecting Diamond City from Misc Enemies
This is our city, you fucking machine!
Suck it, you Protectron wannabe!
Die, you Institute asshole!
Time to beat down another crazy...
Batter up, asshole!
Code Red! CODE RED!
Welcome to Diamond City, motherfucker...
Game over, asshole.
That's what I call a strike out...
Posted Outside the Wall
Can't believe I'm posted outside the Wall. Who the heck did I piss off?
Feral Ghouls like to hide in the dark. Makes night patrol a real fright-fest.
Caught Picking Pockets/Stealing
Damn pickpockets!
I saw that!
Theft! Look alive, boys!
Hey. Klepto. Nice try.
Pretty sure that's not yours, pal/lady...
Great. A thief.
Whoa. Slow down there, sticky fingers.
Seriously, pal? Stealing?
Player is Taking Items of No Value
What? You picking up the trash?
You know that's junk right?
Got an amateur janitor over here...
Ain't everyday someone picks up the garbage for free...
Picking up garbage. You an old-time scavenger?
Hey, you wanna pick up trash, I ain't stoppin' ya...
Conversation with Sheng
Sheng, what have I told you about keeping the lake clean? Don't make me shut down this little stand of yours.
Sheng: Every drop of water comes out of that filter 100% pure. Why's a legitimate business man like myself always gotta be hassled by city regulation, huh?
It's a health hazard, Sheng.
Sheng: It's a PROFIT hazard, is what I say. I manage the water. And I'll do it without your interference, thank you very much.
Eating Outside the Dugout Inn
Can't believe you eat that food. Only one thing worth buying in the Dugout Inn, and that's the booze.
Resident: Man's gotta eat, what can I say?
A real Diamond City boy eats at the noodle stand.
Factions/Main Quest
[If institute takes over commonwealth] These synths just showed up. They're not doing anything wrong... so... we're not sure what to do.
We're getting a lot of graffiti these days. Pictures of lanterns. Know anything about that?
Ask you somethin'. Crazy question. You didn't see a... flying ship recently. Did you?
You see that big blimp? What's the Brotherhood of Steel? Why are they here?
I was on duty when I seen that airship fall out of the sky. I wonder if anyone survived.
[Liberty Prime] Holy nuts! A giant fricken robot just walked by here like it was nuthin'. Now I seen everything.
You keep looking at me like that, I'm gonna start thinking you're a synth...
The Institute. Pfft. I ain't scared of them. No... really. I swear...
You read that article? In Public Occurrences? Damn synths could be anywhere.
Don't worry. You're safe from the synths here in Diamond City. I hope...
So it's true, then? You're leading the Minutemen? Good for you. Great cause.
I'm too friggin' slow to join the Minutemen.
How come whenever something interesting happens around here, you're right in the center of it?
[Excited, then slightly embarrassed] The legend him/herself! Way to give it to the Institute. You're like my hero or something...I dunno. Thanks.
There he/she is! The man/woman of the hour!
On behalf of all the guards here in Diamond City, I just wanted to say thanks. For saving us. All of us.
In the Newspaper
Hey, you were in the paper, right?
You're 200 years old? Lookin' pretty good for your age, huh?
Vault Dweller? Huh... you seem pretty normal.
Vault Dweller with a thousand guinea pigs? What kind of twisted experiment was that?
Read that interview you gave. That thing you said at the end?
About having hope? Good on ya.
About getting revenge? Right on.
About taking one day at a time? I can relate.
Player is a Known Criminal (but is now free to walk around)
Well, look. Diamond City's number one troublemaker. Oh, I got my eye on you.
Oh, look here. It's the troublemaker.
Don't think we've forgotten about you. Play nice from now on, hear me?
[Player stole from someone] Hear you don't know what "private property" means. Just keep your hands to yourself.
[Player attacked someone] Ain't you the one who's been roughin' people up? Got my eye on you.
[Player killed someone] You're a freakin' psychopath, you know that?
Holidays
Today's Halloween, but do we get treats? Nooooo. It's all tricks, all day.
Can you believe today's Christmas? Ho ho friggin' ho.
Painting the Wall
Hey, you're the one made the Wall look like a lemonade stand.
Heard you're responsible for that new coat of green on the Wall. Looks nice.
The Wall's looking as green as the day she was built.
You. You're the one turned the Wall into some kind of... blue monster.
Ain't never gonna get used to the Wall looking like... that.
Reactions to Companions
What a mangy mutt.
Filthy animal.
Get out of here, you.
Well hey there, pup.
You keep an eye on that thing. I don't want to hear about anybody getting bit.
Hell of an animal you've got there.
That thing's not a stray, is it?
Nice dog.
Listen, um... Your pal there is kinda... scaring the crap outta me...
You and your mercenary friend keep your guns in your pants. Capiche?
Whoa, whoa. No Ghouls in Diamond City. Get that thing outta here.
Oh, man. You got a robot butler? I want a robot butler...
[Sarcastic] What kind of person pals around with a robot. Oh my God... you're not a synth. Are you?
Your friend looks like trouble. Make sure she's not.
I ain't telling you how to pick your friends, but Piper's kind of a troublemaker.
So what, you're in the Brotherhood of Steel now?
You know, your friend looks kind of familiar. Maybe...
Heard you rescued Valentine. Good work. Most synths scare the hell outta me, but Nicky, he ain't like those Institute psychos.
Hangin' out with Valentine, huh? Good for you. Nicky's good people. Ah, you know what I mean.
Dear God. Your friend. He's not a... you know. One of them super things. Is he?
Your buddy there's pretty intense. Brother needs to lighten up.
Chumming around with a merc, huh? I don't want no trouble on my beat.
Hey, you know the rules. No Ghouls in Diamond City. Get your friend outta here.
I know an ex-Raider when I see one. Make sure your "friend" plays nice inside the Wall, hear me?
[Sarcastic] Hey, ask your knight friend if they got shuffleboard up on that fancy ship.
What's with your shady pal, huh?
Got our eyes on you. Even if you are pallin' around with Nick Valentine.
Your Frankenstein friend there ain't gonna start eating people, is he?
[Sarcastic] Hey, tell your robot we're fresh outta crumpets.
You know, with McDonough out of the picture... We're gonna need a new mayor.
[Sarcastic] You make that robot yourself? You must be wicked smart.
You keep some weird company, pal/lady. Androids, reporters, dogs. Know any gorillas? Heh heh.
If I didn't know better, I could've sworn I saw you hanging out with a Ghoul. Here in Diamond City. But that's impossible. Right?
You're getting pretty chummy with that reporter, huh? Be careful, there. The mayor's got it in for her.
Reactions to Equipment/Armor/Weapons
Ho. Lee. Shit. Now that is some armor.
See you got one of those fancy Vault suits. Those one size fit all?
That a real Vault Suit? Damn.
Is that a Pip-Boy? Give my left arm for one of those.
Geez, pal/lady. I like guns, too. But you think you might be overcompensating there?
Nice piece you got there. Just keep it holstered.
Look, that armor's great, don't get me wrong. But how the hell do you, you know... Pee?
Hey, I ain't sayin' I want to shoot you, 'cause that would be rude. But would you even feel it?
A Swatter's man/gal, huh? Nice.
Nice hat.
Whoa! You look just like that Silver Shroud guy. From the radio.
Now you have the right idea. Power Armor. Only way to travel.
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Shadowbringers Hot Takes - Inspired by Bioandrunaway
So, here I am at work again instead of playing Shadowbringers ugh. I have completed the main story, and since I can’t stop listening to the music/craving the game, I figured I’d write my version of @bioandrunaway thing she’s been doin’ with reacting to each part of the expansion that stands out. Spoilers under the cut, this post will only go as far as the events of Northern Kholusia i.e. up the level 79 dungeon/trial.
Oh we’re gonna explore the trench near the Syrcus Tower huh. Ok Tataru.
Damn my wild curiosity. Only an honest death will cure me now!
Bye Tataru! Guess you don’t get to table top striptease Elezen boys this expansion o/
This expansion is going to kick me in the teeth several times with Haurchefant references, isn’t it?
Hey, why did I reach out for that dude’s crystal? I hate that guy. I kicked his ass so hard like 3 years ago.
Huh everything here is purple, and of course, the first inhabitant of this place I meet is a drunk wanderer. Haven’t had a Dark Night in 100 years? Well, I’m on Dark Knight right now, I think I’ve got you covered.
I didn’t have him covered. ALSO STEP OFF SYPHA, GO BACK TO CASTLEVANIA YOU STUPID HAWTIE!
Crystal Exarch huh? Dude, I recognize your lips. I RECOGNIZE YOUR FUCKING LIPS! It’s just fucking G’raha Tia, and I swear to god if I’m wrong about this, then who the fuck has identical lips to his semi unique ass MIqote face.
Crystarium is nice... except for the map being almost Yuhtunga Jungle levels of shit tier.
Also does the Crystal Exarch have a crystal dick? Asking for science.
Gotta meet the twins first huh? *immediately b-line for Alisae* What? What?! She’s best waifu!
I guess your sidequest was interesting too Alphinaud. I bet I fight that fat fuck for the 77 or 79 dungeon or some shit. Definitely seems like the antagonist for this world.
Soylent Meol is made of people, calling it now.
I’m going to have to kill the jester bitches, aren’t I?
Mrs. Chai is so pure. I guess that’s good fat people rep? I wonder if Mr. Chai was mad that Alphinaud drew her fat as she was.
Alphinaud really could make a living as an artist.
Kholusia seems really down trodden. I also keep calling it Felusia like from Star Wars, despite Felusia from Star Wars being more akin to Il Mheg. i hope the mysterious northern half makes up for the lackluster south half.
Got the twins, now we gotta save some town huh?
First dungeon is DOPE! First two bosses were Sin Eaters from Alibae’s quest. Sorry Tesleen :( FINAL BOSS IS AWESOME SHB BOSS MUSIC IS AWESOME! Also I miss convalesence and awareness.
Sypha(Lyna) told me that I took a shower in the light. Guess I know what’s on her mind we she’s staring at me with her big bunny eyes.
Night time now, all the people are in wonder. Most of them have never seen the night sky.
Eulmore ANGREEEEEEEEEE
Crystal Dicksarch has balls of crystal.
Oh hi again Ardbert. You gonna act like we’re chums now, despite trying to split my face in half with your axe on several occasions?
Oh no, Eulmore kidnapped... Minfilia?
There have been like a dozen Minfilias? What?!
Ooh, I’m a tower guard now. Finally, I can be as majestic as the tower guards from Dragon Age 1 who help you slay the Ogre at the top of the tower.
Eulmorons are chump change. Wait, who’s this discount Mulan extra? Wait, I had 90k HP and was kicking his ass, he couldn’t touch me... and I still have 40k HP left, and I’m regening 9k HP a tic, how is this even close to over old man?
Thanks Thancred, this sure is reminiscent of that time when you saved me in Heavensward from Ardbert.
Crystal Dicksarch just cock slapped Ran Jit, and Ran Jit didn’t much care for that.
IL MHEG! YEEHAW! SO PRETTY SO MUCH HARP IN THE MUSIC OMG, ALIBAE I’M SORRY BUT URIANGER PICKED THE PERFECT PLACE TO LIVE! I WANT TO MOVE IN WITH HIM!
Toad in a tux. Always take your time on the bridge crossing, there’s no need to sprint.
Heh they tried to drown me, unaware of my ability to not need air underwater.
Dog Fae spirit people. Neat!
Gotta get the last magic mcguffin from a big fat ass Amaro who just so happens to be Ardbert’s old mount. He says our souls look the same. I’m sure that won’t come up again and is hinting on nothing strongly.
Titania boss fight is one half beauty, on half nightmare.
Feo Ul is the new Titania, and she is a boss bitch! Gonna show those Eulmorons why it was a bad idea to come to Urianger’s neck of the woods.
You are Emet Selch huh? This point probably happened earlier, but it’s all jumbled for me now. Anyway, Emet, honey, baby, doll, tell me something I don’t know, ok?
Oh he likes to chat between CSes, neat.
We’re off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of Raktika!
Yshtola, what the fuck? Oh, I’ll have to forgive you, because of course you can’t be wrong. Whatever. I wonder how much life she’s got left to live, what with Matoya telling us her life was shorter for her forbidden magic use.
An Emet said, “Fuck this shit I’m out.”
Dark Cult #1 seems pretty nice
Dark Cult #2 is not as nice.
Ronka rhymes with Tonka. I DEMAND A RONKA TRUCK
Eulmorons back at it again. I’m pretty sure if they’d just let me kill Ran Jit now, it would save us a whole load of trouble, but alas, it’s not in this juncture of the script.
Murals! Were they painted by Bob Ross?
Yshtola go down the hole
Ran Jit go down the hole
Wouldn’t it have been kinda funny if Emet Selch gave her Ascian robes instead of the ones she had been wearing? I totally see him as the type to dig on others’ fashion choices. Also how much shorter is her life now?
Qitana Rivel is a fun dungeon. Bardam’s Mettle was better though, but hey most of the armor outta the rivel seems glammable!
See, nothing bad’s gonna happy Yshtola, you dummy! (of course, something bad is gonna happen. They have yet to let Yshtola be wrong about something)
Ok, two lightwarden’s left, but where oh where could they be? Guess we better rule out the obvious one that is Vauthry. Couldn’t possibly be him right? Guy who uses Soul Eaters for pillows, and enslaves the minds of others. I mean, we could save ourselves a lotta hassle if we just take military action to Eulmore... but alas, it’s not at this juncture of the script either!
TO THE DESERT! WE GOTTA GET “MINFILIA” Minfilia’s powers!
Oh we’ll have to go on the west side huh? Ok.
So uh, why go to all this trouble the ride the trolley? Why not just follow the track and blow the gate open? Ah well, guess we gotta beat up and then befriend some plucky miner fellows and bring hope back to the land while we’re at it.
Oh this was all so they could reference Minerfilia. Oh and so we could bore Emet Selch. That’s ok, he’s dicks out for the Crystal Dicksarch anyway.
Jesus Christ, I think I’ve been fighting Discount Shan Yu for almost as long as the A3S fight was back in Gordias Savage. Aaaaaand... he’s still not dead.
Thancred, if you die, I will use a phoenix down on you, just so I can kill you again.
“Minorfilia” got Minerfilia’s undefined powers, but now her eyes are grey and her hair is red! AND THEY EVEN GAVE HER A NEW NAME! Ryne it is then, you precious cinnabon.
She can now see Sin Eaters and Lightwarden aether, neat. Oh it’s underground huh? In the mine that was mentioned earlier huh. OK!
Heh I haven’t seen this mechanic since Alexander Prime. THe Heavensward references are out in the sun!
Oooh that’s a spicy meatball, and I’ve got GERD at this point yuck. Yshtola be like, I TOLD YA, DIDN’T I TELL YA? But it’s ok, just hang on, Urianger said he had something up his sleeve.
Finally we’re taking the fight to Eulmore!
Huh all the people are attacking us in the name of Vauthry and they’re moving like zombies. Well, no big deal if we do kill them, but I guess we gotta be goodie goodies.
Oh, would you look at that, Meol is made of mutated people. WITH GOT CITAN UZUKI’D IN SOYLENT GREEN REFERENCE
And finally, Ran Jit is... incapacitated? is he actually dead? I hope so. I’ll have to come back and find out later I suppose.
Vauthry appears to be a stress eater, but oh hey, there it is. He’s also a Soul Eater.
More Talos shenanigans. BOOM ELEVATOR!
We did all that and there was a secret town up here with a secret tunnel to and from the bottom all along. Well, at least we rallied the Eulmorons out of their indolence.
LALI HO! Do female dwarves have beards? In some of the CSes with Ardbert, I’m pretty sure their WHM looked Dwarven and had a beard...
Dude the Crystal Dicksarch can cover and cast flare while wielding a WHM cane. What a fucking bad ass, why does he even need me?
“This idea is absurd, it’d take all of the people of Norvarandt just to have a chance of pulling it off!” WoL and crew respond by getting everyon ein Norvarandt. “Well uhh, shit I guess we’ll give it a go. Damn. Who the fuck are you people?” I’m with you on this one Mr. Chai. Who the fuck am I? ALPHINAUD AND ASSISTANTS MOTHALOVAH!
BEEG YOSHI
Bad ass dungeon! Cool ass bosses!
Eww I have to fight Vauthry now. Eww.
Dick move Emet, DIck Move.
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-- primadonnaTartuffe [PT] began bothering impenetrableVitality [IV] at 17:29 --
PT: hey finn.
IV: ryan
IV: hey
IV: what's up
PT: well i just so you online and thought hey i should totally hit up finn?? we didnt really get a chance to catch up much at the party since you kinda ran off.
PT: and then i kinda ran off...
PT: so yeah.
PT: plus i just read your status update?
PT: yo.
IV: oh yeah
IV: okay i figured it had to do with that
IV: it's a thing
PT: it sure is????
PT: i cant leave you alone for three measley years without you getting into some crazy shit.
PT: lmao jk.
PT: congratulations!!
IV: thank you
IV: if you mean that sincerely
PT: i do.
PT: shes beautiful.
PT: and i think youd make a stellar dad.
IV: that
IV: means a lot
PT: yeah im sure youre probably getting some shit for it... but thats how i feel.
PT: so youve got me in your corner at least.
IV: oh definitely
IV: that's good to know
IV: it's good to have you back
PT: a weird burnout runaway is in your corner but hey...
PT: yeah.
PT: its good to be back.
IV: how's your family handling it
PT: okay i guess. my parents are happy but i think my dad is gonna be pissed for a while too lol.
PT: im working things out with russet...
IV: that's cool
IV: i think she'll come around
PT: yeah im weirdly optimistic about it.
PT: i kinda expected more backlash but everyone has been really cool.
IV: you were really missed
IV: like
IV: by everyone
PT: yeah...?
IV: including me
IV: i missed you a lot
PT: i missed you too dude.
PT: ... im sorry.
PT: i must have really worried you.
IV: you worried me so much i went crazy and adopted a child
PT: fuck... i did this.
PT: if anyone gives you more shit about it you can just blame it on me.
IV: no i'm kidding
IV: it's believable though isn't it
PT: it really is.
PT: speaking of i gotta visit you and the baby soon.
PT: where are you living these days?
IV: with colt and little
IV: in odimist
PT: oh shit... hahaha.
PT: sorry.
PT: that just sounds like a trip.
IV: i mean it can be
IV: like last night colt dragged me out and we ran into joel and rammie
IV: joel had a lot to say
PT: about the baby? or just in general like he always do.
IV: both
IV: uses me as a reason to feel betrayed or something
PT: what a dingus dongus.
PT: dont let him get you down... you gotta do you.
IV: yeah i'm
IV: working toward that
PT: good deal.
IV: i don't think i've ever seen you near a baby
PT: i dont think ive been near a baby since lucy was born?? and i was practically still a baby then too.
PT: babies are cool tho.
IV: then you'll like sofia
IV: she's pretty cool
PT: i could tell by that picture you posted.
PT: i thought to myself... now that is one cool chick.
IV: it makes me wonder why anyone would leave her but
IV: i guess i have ideas
IV: and she's better off with me anyway
PT: agreed.
PT: hey... so...
PT: this is nice?
PT: being able to talk like this.
IV: well yeah it's
IV: always been
PT: i know... its just cool we can kinda... pick up where we left off?
IV: yeah i mean
IV: other than like missing you and all that stuff i still feel the same
PT: daw... :')
PT: that means a lot.
PT: i
PT: wanna be a better friend.
IV: stay a while and you will be
PT: okay... i can do that.
IV: we should actually like
IV: i don't know
IV: officially hang out
PT: yeah... i wanna do that.
IV: sooner rather than later
IV: i mean just saying
PT: you want me to come hike out to the woods rn for you?
IV: you could or i could go to you if it's a huge hike
PT: i mean colt kinda lives out in the middle of bfe.
IV: i could get him to watch sofia
PT: okay. how about we meet up someplace in amberhold so all i gotta do is zap over to odimist and you dont gotta trek all the way outta the woods and then to skaia?
IV: sure
IV: that sounds good to me
PT: noice.
IV: there's a coffee shop
IV: it's tiny but really close to like
IV: the transportalizer
PT: ok ill be there in two shakes.
PT: (two booty shakes.)
IV: perfect
FINN: -he'll be waiting at the coffee shop for her in a reasonable amount of time, sitting at a table with a tea and waiting-
RYAN: *enters the establishment with two more booty shakes. gotta show off the goods... though she is much thinner than she used to be and doesn't necessarily feel all that attractive. but oh well, she slides up to the table, flashing finn a smile.*
RYAN: heyyyy.
FINN: -she's still beautiful unfortunately for him. he smiles up at her- hey what a coincidence
RYAN: i know right?? fancy meeting you here.
FINN: take a seat stay a while
RYAN: *plops down across from him and steals his tea to take a sip of it.*
FINN: sure you can taste it
RYAN: thanks man. youre so generous.
FINN: i know i try
RYAN: *snickers and hands it back*
RYAN: so... finn. *chinhands at him*
FINN: ryan
RYAN: what have you been up to all this time? i mean i kinda know but give me the details.
FINN: where do you want me to start
RYAN: *sings* lets start at the very beginniiiing... a very good place to start.
FINN: so from when you left
RYAN: mm... i guess thats about the beginning yeah.
FINN: well i spent a lot of time volunteering all over the galaxy
FINN: i mean i don't think it will be that interesting for you
RYAN: i dunno man... why dont you give me your most interesting experience from it at least?
RYAN: see anything awe inspiring? meet any cool people?
FINN: well -he suddenly stops and looks to the side- yeah
RYAN: *tilts her head at him* yeah?
FINN: -remembers his talk with satomi and he clears his throat a little, fidgeting- i met a guy from where i'm from
RYAN: yeah? what was he like?
FINN: he was cool and he wa pretty old
FINN: was*
FINN: pretty sick too but had a great sense of humor you know
-- impenetrableVitality [IV] is now an idle chum! --
RYAN: *smiles softly. there's one way these stories usually go, but she's still happy to listen what it was like for finn.* yeah i get you.
FINN: told me all about what it was like growing up there
FINN: he was just a guy who refused to leave you know
FINN: until he was forced out
FINN: his name was mateo
RYAN: ah... tenacious with a sense of humor? mateo definitely sounds like my kind of guy.
FINN: you would have liked him
FINN: if you could speak spanish
RYAN: *laughs a little* if only...
RYAN: you should teach me sometime by the way.
FINN: i'd be down for that
FINN: stick with me you'll be a pro in no time
FINN: in which no time is quite a while
RYAN: pffff.
RYAN: okay tell me more about mateo. youve got me hooked.
FINN: well what do you want to know
RYAN: did he ever bestow any elderly wisdom upon you?
FINN: i guess you could say that
RYAN: *just chinhands at him like 8) *
FINN: just kind of told me that if i had the opportunity to explore where i came from then i shouldn't pass it up
RYAN: thats good advice.
RYAN: im pretty sure i came from like a utility closet on the uu or something.
FINN: so go explore that utility closet
RYAN: pretty sure i already have. ;) *remember that time finn...*
FINN: -THAT CANT BE THAT SAME ONE. he pauses and then gets red- oh that is not the same one
RYAN: you never know...
FINN: i can't believe you're entertaining the idea of having fucked in the same closet as your parents
RYAN: hahahahaha.
RYAN: um is that not romantic to you??????
FINN: romantic would not be the word i'd use to describe that
RYAN: *folds her arms on the table and lays her head in them, wheezing with laughter*
FINN: -STOP BEING CUTE IT'S RUDe. but he's laughing too-
RYAN: *surfaces with a big breath. okay, she's good.* god...
RYAN: this is fun.
FINN: -still laughing intermittently- yeah
FINN: hey if we made hgtv fun
FINN: possibilities are endless
RYAN: holy shit. *she's laughing again. memories...* okay so i hate to run off so suddenly but... its getting kind of late so i think im gonna head back to skaia.
RYAN: *she's a little paranoid about staying out late, for various reasons...*
RYAN: ill go to your place next time so i can meet the babby.
FINN: -it's sad she has to leave so soon but...he understands.- sounds like a plan
FINN: be safe on your way back okay
RYAN: yeah of course. *slides out of her seat, but before she goes she rounds the table to give finn a kiss on the cheek.*
RYAN: later alligator. *double pistols and a wink as she moves off to exit.*
FINN: -waves wordlessly after that cheek kiss. he'll be sitting here a while-
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