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animeyanderelover · 3 years

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Hey!! How are you?? I hope you’re doing well :) I would like affection, unique and wildcard for erza, Meruem (if you can’t tell I really like Meruem-) and Snake :)!!

I had already a good idea that you like him😉.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness

Yandere Alphabet

Snake

Affection-How and how often do they show affection?

⚕️Snake is honestly a really shy sweetheart as a Yandere, though this roots also from the fact that he was treated like he was a monster and would never be accepted by anyone before the circus troupe took him in. Snake is a worshipper since he views his darling to be greater than anyone and he has the feeling that he is not really made to be near someone like them, he is insecure about his looks and terrified they'll be just as freaked out by him and his friends like everyone else always was. In reality he would just die to be given affection and he feels terrible for initially never being able to show how he feels, he just doesn't know what to do in front of his darling. He gets too nervous. Eventually he gets a grip on it, be that because you made the first move or his snakes encourage and push him enough to finally do something. But once he has started, he constantly seeks for more and this is shown through numerous small acts he does.

⚕️Since he's not too good with words, he relies most of the time on physical affection like holding his darling's hand or giving them a quick kiss on the lips and he never fails to get flustered with it, visible through the slight blush dusting his face whenever he does so. He has his bold moments where he gets more touchy-feely since he's missed out on it a lot in the past and gets kind of needy over it. Snake actually wants you to be the first one to give affection since he always needs to build his courage up and also because it would show him that you love him as well and you could honestly do something simple and it would mean a lot to this guy. Cuddly which means once you've agreed to it he won't really let you leave his grip. Snake still tries to also let you know through words how much you mean to him, though he has troubles looking you in your face, might stutter a bit and also has a blush decorating his face.

Unique-What makes them and their behavior special/different from others?

⚕️Snake is in comparison to many other Yandere incredibly shy, even if he appears on first glance to be very cold. It goes to the extent where he has to send his snakes to act for him since he needs a lot of time until he somewhat even dares to face you. And different from others he will never really get over this bashfulness and insecurities of his, though he becomes a bit more bolder from time to time and learns to speak up a bit more. He'll still never stop being needy for love in order to feel happy.

⚕️His snakes are just another thing that makes him stand out because not only are they an essential part of all his stalking and helping him collecting things they steal from the darling, they're also a majorly bad influence on him. Because his snakes do not have the same timid behavior as Snake, they just realize that Snake's mood and happiness depends on you and for that they decide to help him in making you his. These creatures will corrupt Snake the one or another way and they're so much more ready to get rid of people and convince Snake into kidnapping you. Even going as far as acting on their own with Snake's happiness in mind is reality with them and they're so determined in it that they won't even stop when it comes to manipulating Snake without him really knowing it. So he is always being a bit controlled from his friends who do this all for him.

Wild card-Something really random about them?

⚕️Wanna know how to get him to be more talkative? Make sure he has a drink or two since his alcohol tolerance is terrible and he comes a bit more out of his shell whenever he is tipsy or straightforward full. It's really surprising just how much more he starts talking and he becomes really childish as well. He suddenly wants to be hold by his darling, complains in drunken ways when they aren't paying attention to him and slurs out how much he loves his darling and how beautiful they are. Insists on his darling laying down with him if they try to get him to sleep and wake up sober and once he's passed out, he'll sleep like a baby with a tight grip on his darling.

⚕️His scales are more sensible than the rest of his skin is and the first time his darling brushed against them, he jerked back. Snake would be happy if his darling would like his scales since he feels insecure about them, but touching them is another story. It's not like he likes it, he'll happily accept any sort of affection he can get. It's just that he has literally shivers running down his spine whenever his darling does this.

Meruem

Affection-How and how often do they show affection?

👑Meruem is majorly possessive and even if he technically knows that no one in the entire palace would ever dare to try to take his darling away from him, he still wanted to make his point clear, more to the darling than to himself because in his opinion they're already his. It depends really on whether he already softened up or not because I feel like if he still feels conflicted about having fallen in love with a human, he refuses to grow soft and be nice to his darling since he used to view them at that time more as a possession than a living being. He mainly just forced them to stay in sight of his line so they wouldn't try anything stupid. Him becoming really touchy only starts once he has come to the terms of accepting that he loves you and coming combined with this final acceptance of his come his needs.

👑Meruem is initially still very inexperienced with how to show affection so he really just goes at first with the most natural instinct he has. That is being with his darling and having physical contact with them. He feels just so much more calm and relaxed when he has you where he can watch you especially with Shaiapouf around. Very keen on touching you in all possible ways, be that by holding your hands and locking fingers, he finds it extremely cute if your hands are smaller than his, having them placed on his lap or wrapping his tail around them. He still makes it very clear he needs some sort of practice in expressing his love more verbally since this is something he is still bad at. Develops over time habits of pocking you with his tail or petting your head.

Unique-What makes them and their behavior special/different from others?

👑He had a major change in his type, going from cruel and possessive to soft and possessive which doesn't happen everyday. It steams from the fact that he is technically a lot more younger and clumsy when it comes to his emotions and feelings. He didn't like you at first for making him feel this way and his irritation was shown in his harsh and even vicious act towards you and he got even more annoyed when he noticed that he felt bad when he made you cry or look scared of him. He goes honestly insane over it on the inside and it affects his whole mood bad so that even the guards can fall victim to it, especially if some adviced to get rid of you and you know by that who got the worst from all of it.

👑Meruem is after having grown much more open and soft actually a bit more easy to manipulate than some might guess. To start with he really does feel terrible for the way he treated his s/o and he tries to make it up to them with rather awkward attempts by giving them presents and making them live like a royalty. Whilst total freedom isn't an option and with all the other Chimera Ants dangers are high, his darling can still manipulate him into giving them many things and even making the royal guards and the king himself acting more in their favor. Additionally he is freshly newborn to the whole romance thing so he kind of orientates himself on his darling. His guilt and his little knowledge can be used against him as long as you don't overdo it.

Wild card-Something really random about him?

👑Similar to Chrollo he enjoys reading books with his darling together and he likes it just as much to play games against them. And he loses them sometimes just on purpose to hopefully make his darling happy, though they kind of know he lost because he wanted to do so, but it does show that he tries. He even tells his royal guards (it'll be only Pitou though) to lose against you. Generally Meruem takes great pleasure explaining game rules to his darling and taching them how to play board games and whatever else he has stored in the palace.

👑If he would ever have to leave you alone with one of the royal guards it would be Pitou since they're the most loyal one to him and will defend his darling until the bitter end, even against other royal guards if needed. The guard he wants under all circumstances never alone with his darling is Shaiapouf and he evolves a great dislike against the butterfly guard of his since Pouf is obviously not thrilled by his majesty in love with a mere and plain human and submissing like this to them. But the one person he is truly comfortable around with you is Komogi since he sees her as a good human and she'll be most likely his darling's closest friend.

Erza Scarlet

Affection-How and how often do they show affection?

🛡️Erza is surprisingly into affection a lot. This is her first relationship she ever had and to say that she's excited over it is a bit of an understatement. She might not look like it, but Erza is thrilled about ideas what she could possibly do together with her darling. She just missed out on so much in her childhood and was more focused on training than trying out things others in her age group did. But she wants to make that all up with her sweet darling now and she kind of explodes with ideas. It’s actually cute how bouncy she gets and she won’t let her darling really protest when she proposes her ideas, she just drags them with her. So quality time in form of a lot of dates will be a thing with her.

🛡At first she is a bit flustered with physical affection, but that only lasts very shortly before she’s grown warm to it. Erza somewhat tries to keep her calm when she is with other people, though she can become just as silly as them when she is agitated as well. If her darling is affectionate themselves, she’ll let them do happily what they want and she gets somewhat tempted if this should be the case. She’s most touchy when she is excited or just extremely joyful in which case she tends to smother you a bit, no matter in front of whom and she also has her habit where she simply can not stop talking about how sweet and kind her darling is once someone gets her started on it. She also is a fan of couple outfits.

Unique-What makes them and their behavior special/different from others?

🛡Erza is extremely enthusiastic about everything in this relationship and her darling will be honestly surprised by how different she really can be from her reputation. She sometimes shares almost the same excitement a child carries around and with her darling she always is fine with being more silly and girly. It’s extremely difficult to convince her to not do something once she has decided that she wants to go there and there with you and wants to do that and that with you as long as it doesn’t have to do with your well-being. That means that she might do more embarrassing things with you, but she never really views it as such. It was a wonderful experience with you after all and it is better if no one tries to talk this down because that’s when the girl becomes mad.

🛡Despite this she is still madly respected by everyone and only few would have the bones to try to take you away from her. She can be just as much intimidating as she can be girly, though this side is mainly shown to those she sees as danger or who deserve a proper punishment. What is admirable about her is that she doesn’t let her past and her paranoia affect your life terribly unless there was the danger she could have lost you which proved just how mentally strong she is.

Wild card-Something really random about them?

🛡Will never feel ashamed when it comes to you seeing her naked, she feels confident in her body, though she doesn’t brag about it. But she kind of does when you see her, she has no understanding to why you would feel embarrassed about seeing her nude and if it ever happens that you walk in whilst she is showering or taking a bath she has no problem in asking you if you want to join her. She is not innocent, you’ll discover that at the very least once she lets you read the rather inappropriate novels she is into.

🛡She likes showing her darling all the different weapons and armors she has in her collection and if her darling is interested in it, she’ll gladly explain how every single one works. But no matter how full her collection is, she still always is up to add new ones and it was shown that she likes designing them herself. So naturally Erza presents you proudly with her newest ideas for her next new addition. She’s not really the best drawer, but don’t tell her that or she’ll be majorly down. It is actually possible that she’ll let you design an armor or clothes for her as well if you believe to have a good idea and she’ll try to wear and use your designs as often as she can.

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere snake #yandere hunter x hunter #yandere hxh #yandere meruem #yandere fairy tail #yandere erza #yandere erza scarlet

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mcrololo · 2 years

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I'm doing the pleading eyes hoping it will convince you to share more of your Reasons To Put Songs In Playlists 🥺

do you mean beca or?? because she has a whopping [checks] 163 songs in her playlist so we can arrange something, I'm sure

Simmer (Acoustic) by Hayley Williams This song is actually on here because at face value Beca doesn't feel anger, not towards other people. And I thought maybe the acoustic version of this one might illustrate that better, because Beca thinks she doesn't feel anger, but she acts on anger all the time, just not deliberately and not at other people. But she's constantly acting out at herself, because, to a certain extent, she's angry at herself all the time. And in that scenario, there's one line that stands out to me in this song: "How to draw the line between wrath and mercy?" Beca isn't merciful towards herself at all. As I've said here she thinks very little of herself, so she takes every opportunity to self-sabotage. Be it in relationships with others (romantic, platonic, familial), opportunities that could benefit her in any way, or even just something small, like not buy her favorite snack or make her favorite tea when she's thirsty. One other lyric that stands out to me for completely different reasons, and that has nothing to do with the song and the meaning of the artist at all, is "Nothing cuts like a mother", which for Beca gets a very different meaning, and is part of why she's so angry at herself all the time. I still wanted to point it out because it's important to her character. To wrap this all up, in the wise words of Hayley herself at the very start of this very song; rage is a quiet thing. (This is another reason I chose the acoustic over the original for her)

Need me by Simple Creatures It's funny, I think you sent me this song and told me this was Beca and her father. The first verse representing her alcoholic dad, the second verse representing her. And you were right. They both had to deal with an abusive monster (he with a partner, she with a mother), and they both sought out different, unhealthy coping mechanisms that ultimately had them drifting apart. But sometimes their paths crossed for a little while, and for a very brief moment they shared some sort of understanding. It would leave them with this need to be in each other's lives that neither of them tried hard enough to accept, and I think that's the tragedy of their relationship. This song represents that for me, especially the chorus.

mirrorball by Taylor Swift This one is really easy lmao!! Beca loves Taylor Swift, for one. The other reason is that Beca doesn't know who she is, so it's very easy for her to slip into a version of herself that she knows whoever she's with likes. In high school she hung out with the outcasts and the punks so she became more of a punk herself. Things she loves, and other people voice they hate? She keeps to herself. To her it's common knowledge people like hanging out with others they have common interests with, so she pretends to be like that, too. It's why Pretender by AJR used to be her themesong (until Bloom by the Paper Kites ultimately took its place). It isn't until she finds healthy friends she can get to know who she really is. Mirrorball is one of those songs that really represents that struggle to me. I don't even have a favorite lyric here, all of it is just so good!!

This one got even longer 😭😭 my girl just has so many layers i love her so much

#answered #roseqrtzrabbit #beca desjardins #oc #this is like 5% of her character. like this ask and the other one combined. help

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greasygyeom · 4 years

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Title: Blame it on Me [Part II: Where Do We Go From Here?]

By: GreasyGyeom

Summary: what is someone supposed to do when they have to choose between the love of their life and the career of their dreams.

Word Count: 9.2k

Yugyeom x Reader / Angst, smut (kinda)..more angst. (i use noona but just pretend it’s y/n)

Warnings: Mature content please read only if 18+

Author’s Note: i am back after two weeks this is a character development guys. hope you like part II !! if you do leave an ask or write in your tags. i love hearing from you guys! tell me if it made you feel something. if there’s spelling errors, let me know hahaha. love you guys and thank you for reading.

Read Part I here

Your night burnt by slowly, filled with explanations and fake acceptances of congratulations that everyone showered you with; that you had no interest in. The only reason you stayed awake was because you were hoping Yugyeom would actually come back. Little did you know he’d been so drunk BamBam had to let him pass out on the couch and keep a bucket right next to him; because if drinking had taught him anything, the amount Yugyeom had, he was bound to throw up.

You, poetically so, had also passed out on the couch. It was hard to believe that in the afternoon you were in a relationship, getting fucked out of your mind and by night you were single, bawling in your living room.

Still, he had to come back at some point, it was his house after all. How was he going to go to work without his clothes? BamBam for sure wasn’t going to let him stretch out his T-shirts.

Hanging onto that hope, you prepared breakfast in the morning, which unfortunately sat out cold until noon, while you face timed your best friend and let out all your pent up emotions.

She advised you to not hang onto the hope of him wanting to be with you for a few days extra. It wasn’t fair to him, because everything said and done, you were leaving. If there was a way around it, you would have done everything within your control to get that promotion without the transfer. Unfortunately the path you were going to take had been set in stone by your company. There was no space for any alterations left.

You didn’t want this to happen but really, what else were you expecting. This was never going to have a happy ending from the start.

Last week you’d wanted him to act like a douchebag so you could be bitter and cop out of being hurt over having to break up with the best guy you’d ever known.

You finally understood why ‘be careful what you wish for’ was such a self-fulfilling prophecy.

After your long distance chat, begrudgingly you got dressed for the office; even though you didn’t have to really go officially—you were off until you started at London next Friday—there was some paperwork that needed your signature. You wanted to get it over with so as to spend the next few days peacefully crying in bed.

Half-heartedly walking to the train station, you wondered if you’d even crossed Yugyeom’s mind since yesterday.

Maybe it was a bit selfish, but you wanted to know if he was thinking about you; or was it just you that was miserable.

He was.

Of course he was.

While he chugged a bottle of water, because his mouth felt like sandpaper, all he could worry about was how you were going to pack all your belongings in such a short amount of time, without forgetting the most important stuff; and how he was going to not lose his sanity over it.

Ominously so, life had come such a full circle for him; because had your colleague not been a student at the academy, he would have never met you.

The work-life that brought you to him, ultimately took you away too.

Funny how the universe works, right?

He’d drank so much alcohol the previous night in hopes of forgetting you that even an hour without your face swimming in his head would have been worth it. Yet, all night all he lamented about was how unfair it was that he was going to have to let you go.

His friend circle–that over time had also become your friend circle–had been made aware of the whole ordeal, so they knew what to expect. They were just surprised by the magnanimity of it.

Yugyeom had never been heartbroken—at least to this extent. In the 10+ years of knowing him, he’d never expressed so many emotions in such little time to any of his friends. It was like witnessing a compressed pack of cocaine burst under high pressure; messy and not a good look for anyone.

When he woke up he already had a text from Jaebeom very sternly asking him to not come in to work until he got his shit together, several texts from Mark asking how he was feeling and to start hydrating his body immediately, and a whole essay from Jackson on how he should drop his tough guy act and be with you till it was time to go.

He hated being called out like that.

Yugyeom: Hyung you’re supposed to be my friend and tell me I should forget her immediately. His text elicited an immediate response.

Jackson: Listen you brat. I’m your friend that’s why I’m asking you to spend the last few days she is here with her. Because I know you and you’re going to regret this later.

Yugyeom: Tell me, how does it matter if she’s out of my life today or after five days?

Jackson: You won’t even try to stay in touch?

Yugyeom: No.

Jackson: Is that a mutual decision?

Yugyeom stopped replying after that, because now that he was sober, he was back to not being able to aptly express his feelings and he actually didn’t know the answer to that question.

He’d thought about this so much yesterday, while in bed next to you. There was no expiration date on your time in London, there wasn’t even any guarantee that after London you’d come back—you could get transferred to anywhere in the world. That particular uncertainty had torn his heart into smithereens and had led him to end the relationship so abruptly.

It had seemed logical yesterday.

Today? not so much.

You’d zoned out staring at a travel bag while window shopping. After your work was done you thought of giving retail therapy a shot, an endeavour that was proving to be extremely unsuccessful, for the lack of focus you were carrying with you.

A loud, screeching, honking bus on the road snapped you back to reality, but not really. You were still dazed and confused and within seconds wanted to go back home, wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place.

You did buy three pastries and a venti on your way though, to devour your feelings once home. To discover that you’d forgotten how you lived life before Yugyeom and not understand how to combat it, was definitely taking a toll on you. The concept of being without him seemed so outlandish, it felt like a distant dream you might have had in your childhood. For now, until you found a way out of this maze, unhealthy coping mechanisms would have to do.

Truth be told, you were itching to call him. When it came to him, your ego was barely existent.

You were still plenty mad and wanted him to realise how stupid he was for not taking you up on the offer last night, of course, but you also wanted hear his voice equally badly, at the cost of him being unwilling to entertain you.

You had been postponing your urge every hour, since morning, because this time around you were reluctant to lose this battle; even though you’d already lost the war.

At 9am it was ‘Wait for another hour, maybe he’ll turn up.’ At 10am it became ‘Maybe I’ll stop by the studio’– but that was too much effort (and you were in no mood to face Jaebeom). When you were leaving for work, you baited yourself by saying you’ll call him after you were done at the office and currently you were convincing yourself to wait till you reached back home, so that at least when he ignored your calls, you could cry into a cup of tiramisu and feel better about it.

That thought was more comforting than it needed to be.

This awkwardness of not being able to wiggle your way into his life this time, was eating you inside, honestly. It’s not that you’d never had disagreements and fights before, where he’d left for Bam’s because he was too frustrated to even talk to you—in spite of him indulging his anger to a bare minimum, there had been plenty of those. But this was the only one time where saying sorry and promising to buy him chocoshakes for a week wasn’t going to cut it.

Along your route home, you bought more food—a full loaf of strawberry bread from the train station, some chips and a sandwich at the convenience store, a slice from the pizzeria nearby and finally your favourite fried chicken. Clearly, you had a lot of feelings to chew through and some days of solitude to chew them.

You hadn’t anticipated the struggle to get your apartment door to open, with all those packets hanging on your arms, trying not to spill any of the contents. What you also didn't anticipate was Yugyeom opening the door from inside, asking you to hand over some of the things you were holding.

You felt your system shut down like windows 98 being attacked by a trojan.

Was this real? Was this a delusion and you'd really just dropped everything on the floor?

“Yu….gyeom?” You called out, afraid of not actually hearing an answer.

“Why are you still standing outside, noona?”

“Oh-uhm-I….” you fumbled, before closing the door. “This.. is-uh?? Hmm-what-what are you… doing here?”

“Honestly? I don’t know.” He replied curtly.

You furrowed your brows accompanying it with frown lines on your forehead, indicative of the confusion you were unable to convey verbally.

However, you chose not to question him further, not wanting to go wherever that interrogation would have taken you. You were more than content to see him move around at close proximity, even if it was in silence.

There were plenty of places he could have gone, really, he didn’t have to be there if he didn’t want to; but he did want to. Oh god he’d wanted to see you so badly. More so than the hangover, it was a bizarre feeling in his chest, from the way he’d behaved with you last night, that had caused him discomfort all morning. That and Jackson’s messages.

Was he really not even going to try to keep in touch? But then….. who likes to stay in touch with an ex?

“Want some cake?” you asked, in an effort to dissipate the elephant in the room. “Or some other food? Pizza? You look like shit, you should probably eat something greasy.”

“You went and bought the whole shop didn’t you?” he raised his eyebrow.

“I… did not. I was….. craving a lot of things.”

“You know, the only times you’ve bought so much food is when you’re sad about us fighting over something.”

“Well—I am sad,” you paused, “and we are fighting ... and this one seems to be the last one.”

“For now” he added and then immediately retracted his statement

“I’m...I don’t know why I said that. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Yugyeom... baby,”

When did you even get close enough to do that, he wondered, as you cupped his face.

“I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, you know?”

He put his arms around your waist and pulled you into a tender hug, because if he looked into your eyes any deeper he would have either kissed you or teared up; and neither was a good option to choose from.

“Noona will you promise me something?” he then asked, his words heavy and morose.

“Hmm?”

“Please try your best to forget me.”

You weren’t expecting that sentence to knock the wind out of your lungs, because you weren’t expecting to hear that sentence at all.

You broke away from him, tears accumulating against your will.

“Did you come here to hurt me, Yugyeom?”

It felt like a sword was now ominously hung above your head, when you looked at him; and it could fall at any moment and sever your head.

“Don’t take this the wrong way. I just…. I don’t know. Don’t hold onto some irrational hope or something. That’s all I meant.”

“Irrational hope? Really, of what? Getting back together someday? You wanna get rid of me and move on so fast that you want me to forget you? Is that it?”

“Don’t twist my words. That’s not what I meant. You know that’s not what I meant.”

“You think I don’t understand that this is the end for us?”

“Just ... leave it, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah you shouldn’t have.”

“But I don’t want to be the reason you hold yourself back in London. That’s all.” He yielded, not wanting to make matters any worse.

“You know what…. I was wrong to think it would be a good idea to pretend like nothing’s changed until I get on the plane. You win.”

The anger in your tone and your deadpan face made it very clear that you were not interested in holding a conversation about this, any further. “I’m gonna go start collecting my stuff. I should be out of your apartment and your life, by tomorrow evening.”

Before Yugyeom could react, you slammed the bedroom door shut and locked yourself inside.

One second later he was banging on the door frantically.

“Noona! Come on, open the door please.

Please, baby!”

He must have stood there trying to rotate the knob, begging you to let him inside, for at least fifteen minutes before giving up and sliding onto the floor.

This was turning out to be worse than his worst nightmare.

If he knew you at all, he knew you would want to come out to smoke soon. So he sat by the door, getting annoyed at himself for saying that and at you for taking it out of context.

Before coming here, he’d asked for Jinyoung’s opinion on whether this was a good idea or not; and Jinyoung had replied asking him to not do anything foolish. He had assumed Jinyoung meant going to his house to meet you was the foolish act. Dejectedly, he typed a text.

Yugyeom: Well…. I should have listened to you. I went to see her and you were right, it was a bad idea.

Jinyoung: when did I say that was a bad idea?

Yugyeom: you said not to do anything stupid

Jinyoung: yeah, I meant don’t go there and mess it up. I didn’t mean don’t go there at all. What did you do?

Yugyeom: oh…. nothing.

Jinyoung: I can call her and ask.

Yugyeom: No! Fuck. please don’t do that. She’s already pissed at me.

Jinyoung: what did you do

Yugyeom: I asked her to move on

Jinyoung: huh?

Yugyeom: I don’t want her to get hung up on me and us and the maybes and what ifs when she's there. Because I know she will.

Jinyoung: and what about you? Are you going to try your best to forget her?

Yugyeom paused and stared at that question for a few minutes. No…. of course not, how could he want to forget you or anything about you. Even if every memory attached to you dug into his organs like shards of glass, he’d gladly take them all to his grave.

Yugyeom: she doesn’t need to know if I do it or not.

Jinyoung: I’m glad God gave you the gift of dance because clearly intelligence and common sense are completely lost on you.

Yugyeom: hyung i'm really not in the mood to be insulted right now.

Jinyoung: Jackson asked you to drop your tough guy act didn’t he? She doesn’t need you to protect her. She’s never needed anyone to protect her from anything. You should stop trying to save her from whatever it is that you think you’re saving her from.

Yugyeom: I’m not trying to do anything. I don’t want her to regret going to London.

Jinyoung: How is asking to forget you a solution to that? Say hypothetically she does forget you. In a years time she doesn’t give a fuck about what you meant to her. She meets someone else and starts dating, maybe even gets engaged. Would that make you happy?

Yugyeom: No. But she’ll be happy.

Jinyoung: that’s your problem. You’re assuming that forgetting you and finding a new life would make her happy.

Yugyeom: Well won’t it? Idk I just don’t want her to be hung up on us and if she gets stuck on it, I don’t think she will be.

Jinyoung: You just said you don’t wanna move on so then why the fuck are you forcing it on her?

Yugyeom: hyung she doesn’t need to know how miserable I am. Without knowing that whenever she sees me she apologises to me. if she gets to know how much I want her to stay I’m scared she’ll turn down the promotion. She’s already thought about not going.

Jinyoung: let her make her own decisions? Right now you’re lying to her. I’m 95% sure she’s pissed because you’re trying to act unfazed by all of this.

Jinyoung: Just this one time, try to not bottle up how you’re feeling.

Jinyoung: tell her you have no interest in moving on. Be honest, man.

Jinyoung: and just saying, asking the ‘love of your life’, who calls you ‘the love of her life’, to forget you after 12 hours of breaking up is a shitty thing to do. She should have kicked you in the balls.

He typed up a stingy reply to that but, before he could send it, the sound of you unbolting the door from inside distracted him. Hurriedly, he stood up, to catch hold of you.

“Yugyeom, leave me alone. You got what you wanted?”, you spoke frostily.

“Are you going to smoke?”

“Are you going to stop me?”

“No.. But I wish you’d hear me out. Let me say my piece and if you’re still pissed, I’ll leave. I promise.”

After opening the window sill and lighting your cigarette, you waited for him to start. Your face was red and hurting from crying so incessantly, but you were determined to not let your emotions get the best of you, in front of him. At least, not right now.

“When I asked you to forget me, I didn’t mean… you know, erase me from your memory or whatever. I meant give yourself a proper chance at happiness, when you’re there.”

You gave him no expressions.

“Like… I’m not dying to move on. This is killing me. I don't want us to come to an end. I even thought of giving long distance another shot… or like you know….maybe just keep in touch. But every time I thought about it, it was too painful. So I couldn’t ask you to do that because I…. didn’t wanna do that.”

Saying that out loud made him realise how selfish he sounded. He continued his monologue when you wordlessly stood still and puffed away.

“I wanted to pretend like this isn’t hurting me, but I’m so miserable, noona. I don’t know how to live without you. I don’t even want to know how to live without you. But, I want you to live your life without me; which is hypocritical, I guess, but that’s why I asked you to forget me.”

“That’s really fucking unfair.” you interrupted. “You’re planning things for me without asking what I want. That’s not how it works. If I want to move on or not, is my decision. If I want to be miserable over you or not, is my decision. If I want to live my best life in London or not, again, is my decision. I have never loved anyone like I’ve loved you, Yugyeom; so what you asked of me was just cruel. I know I want to live in a fantasy until I have no option but to accept the outcome. I know it’s not a good way to deal with things. How could you even think that forgetting you would ever be an option?

“I’m sorry” he pursed his lips and looked at the floor.

“When I said we have five more days, I wanted to play pretend. I was just trying to live in this denial bit longer.

“Then… can I live in that denial with you?”

“No, I’m sorry, I gotta pack and hand over the house to the owner by tomorrow.”

“I’m sure the owner will understand if you’re delayed by a day or two or four.”

“I’m tired of running around in circles with you man”, you sighed. “No matter how this turns out, I will never not love you. Maybe in ten years time you’ll be with some other girl and I’ll be with some other dude, even then I will probably, in some capacity, still love you. And I get it if you don’t want to feel the same way, you don’t have to. But don’t ask me not to.”

“Thinking about you with someone else really fucking hurts.” he admitted, feeling a knot tighten in his throat.

“It hurts me too but you’re the one so fucking adamant about moving on like it’s gonna happen in 2 days.”

“Are you still angry?”

“Yeah, of course... but I can let it slide if you promise to forget about me.”

“Haha very funny.”

You chuckled and he wasted no time in giving you a kiss on the forehead.

“The only thing I can promise you is that I’ll love you till I die.”

“No one is dying, baby.”

“Without you, I just might.”

“Jaebeom won’t let that happen, you’re the second reason his studio has clients.”

“What’s the first?”

“Jaebeom, obviously.”

Yugyeom rolled his eyes at you. “He’s going to have to be the only reason, till next week because I’m stuck to you till you get on that plane.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I’m not letting you leave that room for the next 100 hours, starting now.”

He didn’t give you much time to process his words, as he picked you up to take you into the bedroom. You tried to fake-protest to the best of your capabilities, but truth be told there was no better feeling than hiding your face in the crook of his neck; while he effortlessly carried you in.

Making his intentions for the night perfectly clear, he took off his shirt.

“Wait-wait-wait!” you yelped, pinned under his lithe form. “All the food is on the table, I'll be damned if that Tiramisu goes to waste. I’ll be back in five.”

“Make it three.”

“Okay baby.”

Then you kissed him on the nose and ran out.

Since your last reconciliation, you'd spent most of your time in bed, mostly without clothes, wrapped in Yugyeom’s arms; savouring every kiss, every touch, trying to save these ending moments in your memory, so you could replay them over and over again at the end of this week when all this would inevitably be over. Your departure was three days away and the fact that you were still unpacked was beginning to weigh down on you heavily. You were at a point where you couldn’t really avoid it any more; even though it was antithetical to the denial you’d built your cozy house in.

As much anxiety you had regarding leaving and not wanting to deal with that, there was an equal amount of anxiety related to not being prepared ahead of time. It was a lose-lose situation either way, with consequences that weren’t susceptible to change. So, you decided to rip the bandaid completely, to avoid running around like a headless chicken at the last minute.

You didn’t have to deal with the furniture, at least, because even though some of it was bought together, Yugyeom owned the apartment. You just had to sort through your clothes and products.

He wasn't the most excited at the thought of seeing you empty out the house.

“Do you know your living situation in London?” he asked, trying to hold up a conversation.

“Yeah…they’re giving me a furnished apartment as part of the deal.”

“Wait no rent?”

“Uh-huh”

“Woah that’s amazing.” The lack of excitement completely contradicted his statement. “And who’s gonna help you set up and stuff? Won’t you need help?”

“Uhm... mum’s already gonna be there when I land. Not at the apartment, obviously, but…. in London.”

“Aah. Ok ok. It’ll be good, you haven’t seen your parents in a long time”

“Hmm I guess.”

“And your visas and shit?”

“Yeah my passport’s with the company, they’ll sort it all out and hand it to me on the day of the flight.”A

Yugyeom felt like he’d accidentally stepped on an emotional land mine.

He was already gutted about seeing his closet empty, and now hearing your monotone voice just upset him even further. But he didn’t want to show how sad this was making him either, because then you would probably cry.

It was really frustrating.

He quickly made up an excuse to leave for a bit. “Is it okay if I go to the studio, Jaebeom hyung needs me to sort through some assessments. But if you need me to stay, I’ll tell him something.”

”No, it’s okay. I have to face time Ishi anyway. I haven't spoken to her in a hot minute. And Jae has been more than patient this past week. I’ll try to be done soon too. It’ll probably take me 4-5 hours.”

Oh.

“I’ll definitely be back by then.”

“Or… maybe I can meet you at the station and we can go to Naksan?”

He gave you an affirmative forced grin, kissed you on the forehead and headed to the studio to redirect all the aggression he was so suddenly full of.

Just knowing that you’d be leaving a giant gaping hole in his life, was driving him nuts. He wasn’t sure if he could keep up his end of the bargain any longer. You at least would get to start over a new life, in a new place with new faces. But he was going to have to pick up pieces of his life that he knew you were about to leave behind shattered; and never look back at

Your fragrance lingered in every corner of his apartment. His bathroom smelt like your shampoo, his closet smelt like your body spray and cigarettes, his bed.… how was he ever going to exorcise your memories out of his bed? His king size bed that had not seen a dip on the right side up until you had waltzed into his life. Everything was going to remind him of you. His favourite restaurants, clubs, hideaways—it was overwhelming him.

“Aah fuck” he mumbled to himself, absent-mindedly walking into the studio - much to Jaebeom’s surprise.

“I thought you weren’t coming in?”

“She’s packing. I’ll break something if I have to sit through it.”

“Don’t break anything here.”

“Maybe my bones.”

“The third room is empty.”

He was barely going to be able to concentrate on whatever choreography he was going to try, but he acknowledged Jaebeom and locked himself inside.

Jaebeom also felt rather incompetent to handle the situation, since he’d never seen this volatile and mostly upset side of Yugyeom. So he just let the kid do whatever he wanted to. No one knows what to do until you actually start doing it, right? Jinyoung would probably disapprove of this philosophy, but he wasn’t there to voice his objections, so too bad!

When dancing, Yugyeom barely ever understood the concept of time, so between choosing a song, researching some new styles, to mentally animating the possible formations, 4 hours flew by. He yelped and hurriedly ran to his phone, hoping he wasn’t already late.

You sighed heavily at the other end of the call “no... I’m still working through the pile. It’s probably going to take me two hours more.”

“It’ll be too dark to go to Naksan then.”

“Yeah…. I guess. Just come home?”

“It’ll take me some more time at the studio though.”

“That’s okay, take your time. It’s a mess here anyway.”

“Hmm… I’ll see you later then, noona.”

And he went back to focusing on perfecting the new moves, even harder than before, because otherwise your voice would keep ringing in his ears. He could hear how disheartened you already sounded and he wanted to be there for you, but he had to take care of his own feelings first, before he could take care of yours.

He didn’t know he could feel such a foul mood, but that’s what his days had recently been made of. All he’d done was get blackout drunk, fight and then fuck; this wasn’t a routine he recognised at all.

It was almost nine in the night when he entered the house, fully expecting to see you still having a rough time with a mountain of clothes next to you. Surprisingly, he found you passed out next to an empty cup of coffee.

He peeked inside the bedroom and his eyes immediately went to the two giant suitcases stacked in the corner and a cardboard box balanced on top of them.

His closet now housed his bare minimum collection of T-shirts and sweatpants and the bathroom was entirely stripped of its former glory. It was depressing. He took a quick shower and considered slumping onto the bed, knowing full well he should wake you up and make you eat something.

Who was going to feed you actual healthy food in London, with him not around? Because if you had it your way, you’d call a bag of chips dinner and call it a day.

He tried with everything he had, to not care about it and went back into the bedroom, fully determined to go to sleep. Perhaps it was his frustration towards the situation that was garnering such a petty reaction. But then he thought about it for five minutes more and felt like an absolute asshole. Why was he taking this out on you? It’s not like you deliberately caused it. It’s not even like he wanted you to stay for him.

He shook his head almost aggressively, as if trying to physically shake off the bad thoughts and went back out, to do what he actually should have done as soon as he came home.

You’d fallen asleep in the most haphazard position; your head resting on your arms on the kitchen island top, and your body stretched out on the chair. It didn’t look comfortable whatsoever.

He nudged you gently, “noona?”

You barely even stirred.

“Wake up, baby”. The butterflies he gave you, at such close proximity, made you open your eyes.

“What time is it?” you groaned, lifting your head the slightest bit.

“It’s almost 10.”

You did a little cat stretch. “Did you just get back?”

“No... it’s been a bit, I took a shower and everything”.

“Oh… okay. I was planning on taking a bath too” you trailed off, yawning through the rest of the sentence.

“I’ll make something for us till then.”he replied, thinking about what they could eat, but his chain of thought was disturbed by a phone call.

“Oh hyung, yo.” you heard him say. His energy seemed so low.

“Wait right now? I don’t know hyung.”

Inquisitively you tilted your head and he handed you the phone. The quota of patience he had for the day was very low.

You could see Jackson’s name on the screen and you greeted him accordingly.

“You wanna chill here?” You repeated, simultaneously gesturing to Yugyeom about his thoughts on the matter at hand.

He shrugged indecisively and you came to the realisation that you hadn’t actually thought of when you’d say your final goodbyes to Jackson, or in fact anyone else except for Yugyeom; so now seemed like as good a time as any.

“Yeah cool, how long will you take?”

With his patience running on thin ice, the man standing in front of you frowned, but you pretended to not notice it. Instead, you stretched and headed for the shower, avoiding his gaze. Yugyeom’s energy was all over the place and you were lowkey glad you wouldn’t have to deal with it by yourself.

You thought about planning your day tomorrow and meeting at least some of the people you cared about. What you hadn’t expected was Jackson bringing most of those people to you.

Half an hour after the phone call, your living room was at full capacity. It wasn’t even that many people honestly, just your usual hang-out group - a mixture of your and Yugyeom’s combined friend list, but your living room looked full.

Yugyeom was even more displeased than before, but managed to hide it by holding onto a bottle of beer, like it was crucial to his existence.

“He didn’t say he was coming with…. everyone.” You sheepishly expressed.

“It’s fine. At least you get to meet most of your friends.”

“Yeah I guess, i was just thinking about it.”

You get distracted by a hand on your shoulder, “thinking about what?” Bambam asked

“Meeting some people before leaving.” You repeated.

“Ooh depressing.”

“That’s one way to look at it.” You gave him a deadpan stare, unimpressed by his poor timing.

Yugyeom took the opportunity to wander off to his other friends, most of whom were gathered around the table of food, in front of the TV.

Some random nonsense movie was playing that Mark and his girlfriend were really invested in. He considered sitting next to them but he was not sure when they’d start making out, so he parked himself next to Jaebeom instead. His head was heavier in that moment than it had been in the morning, when he’d left. He couldn’t leave right now though, Jackson would beat his ass.

So he settled for eating silently and drinking slowly, in his little corner.

Meanwhile, you were trying to keep up a brave face. Jackson had already repeated himself at least thrice, saying how much he was going to miss you and it was getting more and more difficult to hold your tears.

Taking a large gulp of the wine you had in your hand, you told him you were going to miss him a lot too and gave him a partial hug.

There was no scope of hiding from the reality of the situation anymore.

Two days later no one in this room was going to physically be a part of your life. Just two days. All you wanted to do was find Yugyeom and bury your head in his chest, like the ostrich that you were.

You took in some really deep breaths and poured yourself more booze, in the hopes of turning it around and becoming chipper.

Inevitability should be accepted or else life begins to feel like a drag…. no?

Alcohol made it a lot easier for you to bury the sadness that came with your unofficial ‘bon voyage’ celebration. A part of you was also suddenly scared to approach Yugyeom. You studied his face carefully, discreetly, while seated on the couch. Get togethers usually made him hyper, yet here he was looking into his phone like he was studying for a phd degree.

Even though there was an overwhelming urge to go and talk to him, you decided against it. If he wasn’t feeling some type of way, he would not have isolated himself like that and you knew you were partially to blame for it

You indulged in more cocktails, talked to your friends and somewhere in the middle of all this chatter, Jackson, for the nth time commenced a relay of toasts addressed to you. Really on brand of him to talk about his feelings like that but because you were caught so off-guard you started crying.You weren’t prepared for this kind of emotional haranguing.

Yugyeom hated every minute of it. He didn’t want to hear over and over again that you were leaving, or see you cry. He should have declined Jackson’s proposition when he had the chance to, but now he had to deal with long speeches almost all of which included him too. He felt his lungs constrict like he was about to drown. Jaebeom gave him a comforting pat on the back and passed him a new bottle of soju.

From time to time he looked at you but avoided eye contact. He knew he should have been next to you, hugging and comforting you, he just couldn’t bring himself upto the task. It was that same resentment he had felt earlier today that made him respond in this fashion. All he wanted was this night to end and for everyone to leave. But then again, maybe this was better because he didn’t have to be alone with you.

You cried for a good hour while everyone told you they were going to miss you. There were long hugs and accelerating levels of inebriation involved. You promised to text everyone back because at that moment you had no proper words to say and you wanted to tell them all so much.

By the time you crossed your threshold of tipsy to near blackout drunk, it was almost daybreak. The sun was just beginning to peek at you from behind the mountains.

Yugyeom was in a worse shape than you, so Jackson and Jinyoung decided to clean up a bit, as your parting gift; trying to rope in Bambam in.

“No way. I know what’s coming after she leaves. I deserve a break before donning my emotional clean up crew role.”

“Don’t lie, you’re both just going to drink.”

“Yes and drown him in his sorrows. This is how you clean out emotions. He’s gonna drink and cry.”

“That’s the worst way to deal with anything.” Jackson rolled his eyes

“Hyung…. you work out and write music, he drinks and dances. It’s not really all that different.”

“It’s not the same either though. If I feel something I don’t carry it with me. All he does is let it eat him until he forgets it or explodes.”

Can you debate about this later and help me carry him to the bedroom?” Jaebeom interrupted.

Jackson handed the empty bottles to Jinyoung and got to the task of shifting Yugyeom’s large body from the couch.

“Just him?” Bambam asked

“I already tucked her in,” Jaebeom replied. “We should get out of here soon.”

“Yeah, I still have to go to work. Can’t believe Youngjae and Mark left me alone.” Jinyoung complained, trying to make as little noise as possible while trashing the garbage.

With a lot of difficulty, Jackson was able to plonk Yugyeom on the bed. Jaebeom studied you both before heaving a sigh. The peaceful look on your faces was not an accurate testament to your respective behaviours prior to passing out. But there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He kept a trash bag and a bottle of water each near your nightstands before leaving.

At least he could hope that when you wake up, you’d feel better.

... You didn’t.

The splitting headache you were experiencing was really on another level when combined with your sandpaper mouth. Thankfully things were conveniently placed around you because if you had to walk to the kitchen to drink water right now you'd rather die of thirst than get up. Your attention turned to the man next to you, his porcelain skin tempting you to kiss him or at least stroke his face, but you resisted.

You finished the whole bottle and gently lowered yourself back into the bed, lying awake with throbbing pains radiating from various places.

Yugyeom made a cute sound in his sleep, making your heart jump. It was nearly impossible to not want to scoot closer to him. He hadn’t given you a hug in all of twenty four hours and you were already about to lose your mind.

How you were going to survive without him was really beyond your comprehension.

You just lightly touched your fingers to his palm and closed your eyes, hoping you’d fall back to sleep. The next thing you knew he had one arm around you and was pulling you into his chest; aligning his body with yours. His soft breaths landing on the back of your neck, making you shiver.

“Feeling okay?” He asked in his hoarse, morning voice.

“Hmm…”

You could feel his lips moving against your skin as he spoke, making you melt in his embrace. Your heartbeat accelerated and he held onto you even tighter.

Melancholy hung in the air, much like Christmas decorations in December; he could feel it. Your legs intertwined and he heard a faint sob.

There was nothing he could say that would change the atmosphere. It was time to burst the bubble, so he let you cry, and he cried too.

Head buried in your back, he whispered, “noona…. please will you leave a hoodie of yours with me?”

You nodded and kissed his hand.

“I love you.” He said and the both of you went back to sleep.

It was almost evening when he finally woke up. You weren’t in bed anymore, his head was hammering to a tune of it’s own, in spite of having medicated in the morning, and his body was craving water. Staggering, he made his way to the kitchen and found you in a semi-messy situation with cooking paraphernalia all over the counter.

“Oh? What is happening here”. It sounded like he was concerned but he was really only a bit confused.

“making some sandwiches.”

“Suddenly? Why? We could have just ordered.”

“Yeaaah I don’t know, just felt like it.”

He smiled, because you looked so cute in that apron. His mood was foul but looking at you made it better. He chugged some water while you emptied the pan and he was overcome with the urge to hug you.

You were caught off-guard when he put his arms around you, but you reciprocated his gesture. It was difficult for you to look him in the eyes because you weren’t sure if, for the hundredth time, you'd end up crying. He cupped your face and nudged you to see him, the sincerity in his face…. all the love he wanted to shower you with right then.

He kissed you slowly, taking his time to taste the light traces of your strawberry lip balm. You didn'’t know what spells he used to get you turned on so fast. Threading your fingers with his hair, you deepen the kiss. The urgency that took over him was maddening. He wanted you right now, which he made abundantly clear when he slipped his left hand under your T-shirt and began caressing your boobs; his other hand gripping your hair and pulling it sharply.

There was air caught up in your lungs as he kissed your neck, like you’d temporarily forgotten how to breathe. Low moans began to escape your lips and you squeezed your thighs together. You were so wet, just with his mildly aggressive kisses.

He knew what he was doing to you when he felt your lower body clench and both his hands slid back down to grab your butt.

The kiss got sloppier as your focus dwindled to his boner, your fingers already caressing it over his sweatpants. He bit your lip in response, pushed you against the kitchen island and aimed to remove your clothes. You were still in your flannel and shorts from the night before, so he fumbled a bit on the buttons. His accuracy was failing him because you weren't stroking him over the sweatpants anymore; he could feel your hand sliding over his skin, purposefully slow and tender. His eyes were barely open, your lips were still locked and he was trying to get you naked without actually seeing what he was doing. He grunted helplessly when you touched the tip of his cock. Wet sounds of you stroking his length, mixed in with his shallow breaths and moans, filled the kitchen.

He nibbled on your neck, as your movements accelerated. With your non-dominant hand you tried your best to remove his sweatpants, but he stopped you.

“Turn around.” He whispered, pulling your hand away. The way he seduced you with his demanding voice and bedroom eyes, you gave in without a fight. You bucked your hips and grabbed the closest edge of the marble top. He bit your neck, gently sucking at the skin caught between his lips, until it looked bruised and then he moved on further down, while dry humping your ass, one hand firmly placed on your waist. A small gasp escaped your lips when his fingers slipped inside your panties. Automatically, you spread your legs wide, to let him access the delicate parts.

He could smell your shampoo mixed in with your intoxicating scent and it was sending him over the moon as he played with your wet and sensitive clit.

“Good girl” he praised, when you pushed your ass further into his boner, craving to feel it bare.

You hummed, his thin and long fingers dancing to the tune of your arousal. He fingered you slowly and deliberately, and it was excruciating.

It was the last time he was going to get to feel you. Tomorrow you'd be gone. It made him angry and sad. It made him desperate.

You could feel his aggression in the way his lips collided onto yours with force, the way his nails dug into your skin, the way his body was stiff and wrapped around you in a solid cage.

His hold on you tightened and he spun you around again, to face him. He wanted to make sure you never forgot how he made you feel; so that no other man would ever be enough for you because he set that bar up so high. He wanted to spoil the idea of being pleased again by anyone else, for you. Maybe it was toxic to think that way, but he was already letting go of you.

He had no choice but to let go of you. The train of thought he'd gotten on made his brain short circuit and switch off. He wasn't aroused anymore and everything was blurry and confusing. Before he could stop himself, he took a step back.

“Don't leave me, noona.” He said in a small voice, looking at the floor.

The words crash on you like a violent wave.

You wished he'd stayed looking at the tiles, because when he looked up, you felt the guilt of having accidentally run over a puppy. There was sadness and shame and anger and you didn't know which emotion to address first.

“Yugs….”

So many words swirled in your brain but your lips were sewn shut.

“So, I guess that's a no.”

“What are you trying to do, Yugyeom?”

“Oh well, It was worth a try.” He chuckled, rather bitterly.

What else was he expecting would happen.

Life is not a movie scene; the girl doesn't quit on her career for the boy, in real life. But was it valid for him to feel the sting that persistently worsened as you two stood opposite each other uncomfortably? He knew this was going to happen. He chose it with you. Hell, he chose it for you even. While he was trying to rationalise his own resentments, you straightened yourself up and started putting the buttons of your shirt back in place.

“I don't know what you want to hear from me, Yugs. You know I don't want to leave you. And you don't want to come with me.”

Shit, that stung him even more.

“I have to leave for the airport in 12 hours so do we have to be like this?” You asked defeatedly.

He shook his head and you extended your arms, waiting for him to fall into them.

“I'm really sorry we have to end this way.”

In his experience, there was no safer feeling than being held by you, but right now it was the root cause of all the knives ruthlessly jammed in his chest.

Nonetheless, he hugged you and exhaled pure agony.

“I'm gonna go take a shower. Maybe afterwards, if you feel like it, we can go get some drinks?” You asked cautiously.

“Yeah… I’d like that” he lied, as he let go. Truth be told, he couldn't look past the multiple ‘last times’ anymore. The last time he could hug you, the last time he could fuck you, the last time he could hear your voice… he couldn't do any of it. He didn't want to do any of it. He didn't want this for the last time. He heard you close the door to the bathroom and started fixing his appearance however he could, grabbed his wallet and phone and headed out. If he stayed in that house for a second more he felt he'd choke and die. He was trying to run away from the toxic fumes his own thoughts were emitting, and there was nowhere to hide from them, so he tried to leave them behind.

His brisk walk turned into a sprint and then he ran as fast as he could towards the subway station. And just like that he vanished into the sea of anonymity, nowhere to be found.

Four hours had gone by since you'd come out of your shower to a deserted house and a singular message from Yugyeom. “Sorry noona, I can't do this.”

it felt like a cruel déjà vu.

His phone wasn't reachable. Bambam had no idea, neither did Jaebeom. You were much too confused to react in any appropriate manner.

“He left” You said to Jaebeom, who was equally confused and infuriated.

It seemed like you'd already connected the dots as to Yugyeom’s unavailability but a part of you was holding onto some hope.

“I'm sure he's gonna show up dude.”

“I have to leave in like 3 more hours. He wouldn't have left if he planned to show up.”

“He's definitely not at Bam’s?”

“Jae…. unless I was being lied to, he's not there. And i don't think Bam has any reason to do that.”

“Okay. Keep me posted.”

“Yeah” you sighed.

You were neither angry, nor sad and you had good reason to experience both those emotions at once, but the way your brain had switched itself to autopilot, everything had just become a matter of necessity.

You tried Yugyeom’s number once again, and weren't even surprised anymore when you heard the automated switched off message.

While scanning the room your eyes fell upon your suitcases and your heart dropped 6 feet further than where it was already at.

You had to leave soon.

The silence had already been gnawing at your sanity, now it was overpowering guilt because if you had just said no, none of this would have happened. If you had just said no to the promotion. If you had tried harder for Seoul. If you had chosen to stay when Yugyeom asked you to, then the chain of events would have been different. Maybe, if he'd not run away from this whole situation you could have figured out a solution. But he wasn't here and you were running out of time.

A high pitched buzzer cut through the atmosphere, giving you a jump scare. For a second you thought maybe it was Yugyeom, but why would he need to ring the bell.

You saw Jackson's silhouette in the little alarm system by the door and sighed.

“You look so unhappy to see me.” He huffed, when you greeted him dryly.

“Gee Jackson, sorry I'm upset about Yugyeom literally bailing on me when I have to leave in an hour.”

“Wait what? He's not back?”

“No…..i don't know where he is.”

“And he's still not answering?”

“I tried about 50 times, it's off. Anyway, how come you're here?”

It was comical how distraught you were internally and how inept you were at translating your emotions externally. The way you were talking, no one would think you were in this sad sad situation of leaving your life behind to start a new one.

“You don't remember asking me to drop you off?”

“Was I drunk?”

“Well…. tipsy maybe?”

“I was definitely drunk. I don't remember any of it. But, I'm glad you're here.”

“Are you…. packed?”

“Yeah, I just got the last batch of clothes I need to shove in.”

“Cool. You have anything to eat?”

“I made some sandwiches in the evening. Have at it.”

You were trying your best to be normal. A few minutes later Bambam and Jaebeom arrived as well, both without any worthwhile news of Yugyeom.

“I'm gonna kill him when I see him.” Jaebeom raged.”this is very childish.”

“It's fine man…. i know why he just vanished. It's okay. I'm not mad.”

“Bro are you…. Hearing yourself?”

“Very clearly. He was never good with confrontational emotions. He didn't want to see me leave so he left. It's not rocket science.”

“You went through your stages of grief really fast with this one.”

“I didn't have an option.” you looked at the three of them sitting around you “So…. are all of you taking me to the airport?”

“Yeah, duh.” Bambam countered.

“Okay then wait for me in the car, I need to say bye to the house.”

“And you can't do that in front of us?”

“Would you rather get uncomfortable watching me cry?”

Honestly, you were just prolonging it, the actual act of leaving. You felt so heavy when Jaebeom rolled your suitcases out. In passing you looked at your two favourite hoodies you'd left on the bed and it took everything out of you to not have an emotional breakdown right at that moment.

It was difficult, leaving was difficult especially without Yugyeom. You were in denial of your feelings but you were so angry at him but also so sorry towards him, your emotions kept cancelling each other out. You just wanted to hug him one last time and get the closure you were hoping to get but he took that option away from you. In your three year relationship, this was maybe the most cruel he’d ever been with you. But it was over now. This chapter was done, even with all of its loose ends.

You took your time saying your final byes to three of the most important people you'd met in Seoul. It was quite impressive that you didn't burst out in tears, even when Bam and Jae almost did. There was a part of you that was distracted by a hope that he'd be at the airport to see you off. When he wasn't at the main gates, you hoped he'd be there at check-in. While walking towards your departure gate you kept an eye out, hoping to catch a glimpse of his smile. You just wanted to say goodbye. But he never came. You sat glued to your spot, because what if he did try to find you and you weren't there. You boarded your flight at the very end. You gave an imaginary him all the imaginary chances you could, to materialise and tie a neat ribbon around your life in Seoul.

But your flight took off and the last shred of hope you had snapped and so did you.

Because life isn't a movie. Just like the girl doesn't leave her career, the boy doesn't run through the airport either.

#got7 #yugy #yugyeom fanfic #yugyeom smut #got7creators #got7 fanfic #got7 fanfiction #got7 yugyeom #yugyeom fanfiction

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lassieposting · 4 years

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Tell us about Lucifer’s depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm, and past abuse. I mean I can see the self harm, both the obvious In cutting off his wings and the like as well as the unhealthy self medicating, and the abuse - which honestly comes across as a murky gray area, like some verges on abuse but isn’t quite- but the other things... I need them pointed out to me.

GLADLY, ANON

okay so, to cover my ass: this is just my personal take as someone with trauma & suicidal ideation who self-harms. other people with different trauma and different relationships with self-harm/suicidal ideation might see this whole thing completely differently. This post could be triggering, please pay attention to the triggers in the tags. I am not a professional psychiatrist, and if you are struggling please seek professional help.

i’m gonna break this down into sections bc, surprise surprise, it got rly long

THE ABUSE:

Now, you’re absolutely right that this is kind of a murky grey area, because at this point we really only have one side of the story: Lucifer’s. And obviously, he’s biased.

the family dynamics:

But let’s take a look at the family dynamics we see in-show. We’ve only seen a fraction of Lucifer’s family, but it’s still fairly obvious that the ways they interact with one another are unhealthy and tend towards abusive, especially when aimed at Lucifer.

We have Amenadiel, who:

Is obedient to his Dad on an almost brainwashed level until he falls.

Blames everything - including his own actions/failures (i.e. saying Malcolm killing humans is Lucifer’s fault, even though Amenadiel himself raised Malcolm from Hell) on Lucifer.

Does not know how to respond to affection or praise, even though he clearly appreciates and enjoys them (i.e. when Trixie hugs him and says she thinks he’s good). This is the son who’s in God’s good books. And he still clearly doesn’t receive affection or praise often.

Openly competes with Lucifer for Dad’s attention/love, to the point of rubbing it in his face when he discovers he’s the favourite

Is complicit in Lucifer’s abuse - taking him back to Hell (thereby isolating him), threatening him when he doesn’t want to go, and cutting off any attempt Lucifer makes at reaching out to connect with humanity - for billions of years to try and win his Dad’s approval.

Straight up tries to have Lucifer killed.

Says he’d love to go to war (with Lucifer, and presumably with Hell as a whole).

We have Uriel, who:

Takes it upon himself to enforce what he believes is his Dad’s will; he had no instructions from God when he came to Earth.

Delights in getting the opportunity to beat up Amenadiel, and gloats about it.

Threatens - and harms - the first good thing Lucifer has had in his life in eons as a way of bullying him into doing what Uriel wants.

When Lucifer complies, Uriel decides to kill both Goddess and Chloe, purely out of spite because Lucifer was “being difficult”.

(There is an interesting meta here on Uriel’s potential motivations that I really like, but this is looking purely at his actions.)

And we have Goddess, their mother, easily the most manipulative and emotionally abusive of the lot. She:

Admits to destroying things God cared about - attacking humanity with plagues and floods etc - out of malice and to get his attention.

Happily releases Azrael’s blade into human hands, hoping for widespread human deaths, to get her ex to get back in touch.

Plays Lucifer and Amenadiel off against one another like a pro for her approval.

Only ever touches her children when she’s trying to manipulate them - there’s a good meta on that here. The one exception to this that I personally believe to be a genuine attempt to comfort (both him and herself) is when she hugs Lucifer after he’s just killed Uriel.

Doesn’t actually care about what Lucifer wants - he’s told her outright that Earth is the only place where he feels wanted and respected, and she knows he has a life he enjoys and a woman he’s falling in love with, but she expects him to abandon Earth and go back to the Silver City with her regardless - to the point that she actively tries to dismantle his human life and kill his loved ones to leave him with no ties to Earth.

The picture this paints to me is of two incredibly narcissistic parents who see their children as extensions of themselves rather than as people in their own right. If you compare Lucifer - who’s an asshole, but fundamentally a good man - to his siblings here, you can see that the two who stayed in Heaven have caught fleas from their parents - and part of Amenadiel’s redemption arc is him realising how toxic and damaging his family is, giving himself a damn good flea bath, and doing his best to be a better big brother to Lucifer and a better son to his mom (and, later, a better father to Charlie than his Dad was to him).

angel life cycle

So apparently in canon, angels were created as adults. My personal headcanon is fuck that, baby angels, but we’ll go with the canon explanation for this, because honestly it still lines up with my theory.

Even if you’re “born” with a mature adult body and adult-level speech ability etc, you still won’t have an adult’s wealth of life experience, or maturity, or social skills. You’re still going to have to grow and learn and experience situations to learn how to cope with them.

Now, Tom Ellis has said in the past that he plays Lucifer as essentially having the emotional maturity level of a teenager, which I think is honestly perfect. For an immortal being - or at least a being with a lifespan of many, many billions of years - it’s actually fairly believable that the angels are (depending on the age gap between them) either still in the “adolescent” life stage or emerging into the “young adult” one.

Lucifer says that he’s spent “most of his life” in Hell. If he’s only a young adult now, at ~11 billion years old, that means he’d have been a juvenile (in terms of life experience/emotional development, even if he was “born” with a fully mature adult body) when he was sent to Hell, and the reason he was sent to Hell is because he wanted free will and started “acting out”.

Even if your 12-year-old is the most unpleasant, rebellious little shithead on the planet, you don’t kick him out of the house and spent the next decade sabotaging every attempt he makes to connect with people or improve his life. Because, you know. That’s your kid. You signed up to have him, that’s normal shitty teenager behaviour, and the chances are he’ll improve with age. God and Goddess went scorched earth on Lucifer because he was behaving in a completely normal way for a kid beginning to mature into a grownup.

lasting trauma

Lucifer’s parents’ treatment has left some crazy deep scars.

He uses a neglectful broken home as an analogy for his celestial family. And he does so incredibly smoothly; this is clearly an analogy he’s thought about before. Chances are he’s seen this dynamic on TV and identified very strongly with it.

He talks about his mother abandoning him as his “lowest point”. Not his Fall. Not any of the horrific things he’s seen in Hell. The point where he realised his mom doesn’t love him enough to protect him.

He doesn’t understand what he did wrong. God punished Lucifer harshly for wanting to control his own life, because narcs often see their children’s developing independence as a threat to their own control over their kids’ lives. Obviously He wouldn’t see it like that, but he’s clearly never explained to Lucifer why what he did was “wrong”. This family has a chronic communication problem.

He’s paranoid as fuck. He constantly suspects God of having a hand in the events happening around him, and any time it seems He is involved, Lucifer immediately sees whatever’s happening as an attempted manipulation. It never occurs to him that creating Chloe - someone immune to his powers who can really love him without any kind of supernatural influence - could be an olive branch or an attempt to give him what he actually needs. He doesn’t believe his Dad would ever do something positive to/for him.

He’s so badly traumatized by his childhood that he reacts like this to being called by the name his Dad gave him. And he’s clearly doing well in therapy - he might not know the word for it, but he knows he’s being (unintentionally) gaslit here. He doesn’t handle it well, but he doesn’t put up with it either, refuses to accept being told to see his Dad’s abuse as a sign of love.

He believes he’s unloveable. When Linda gently suggests that maybe Chloe kissed him purely because she likes him, he tells her that’s impossible and reminds her his powers don’t work on Chloe. He doesn’t think there’s any way someone could love him for who he is, unless he’s either giving them something or using his mojo on them. And it’s his family that’s conditioned him to think that way - look at Amenadiel alone, how many times he tells Lucifer he’s evil throughout the show, as casually as if he were telling him that his hair is brown. This is just a fact of the universe in that family: water is wet, leaves are green, Lucifer is irredeemable garbage.

He doesn’t for a second hesitate to believe that his Dad wanted to kill him. Or that he would kill him given the opportunity. He even thinks Chloe is his dad’s attempt to get him killed for a bit.

THE SELF HARM

the wings:

The blatantly obvious one - and the most deliberate - is when he cuts off his wings. Now when Lucifer talks about this, he frames it as him taking back agency over his own life, freeing himself from his Father’s control, and making a statement about his intention to stay on Earth.

But when you look at him, he doesn’t look victorious, or like he’s looking forward to starting a new life. Physical pain aside - and an amateur amputation would be agonizing - he looks almost like he’s grieving, gritting his teeth through something he feels he has no choice but to do.

Someone did a fantastic meta that I thought I’d reblogged at some point that says something like “this isn’t the devil in his moment of triumph against god; this is an abused boy mutilating himself to spite his father”. I wanted to link it, but I haven’t been able to find it again (if anyone finds it, please let me know so I can add a link).

the self-medicating:

I don’t think he realises this is a form of self-harm, and I don’t think he does it to hurt himself deliberately. But he comes to Earth to overindulge in all the things he can’t have in Hell, all the things he’s been cut off from.

Touch and affection, which he gets through sex. Oblivion, which he gets by drinking. Euphoria, which he gets from drugs. Socialisation, which he gets from being surrounded by people at all times and partying it up 24/7.

It doesn’t matter to him that the touch is from a stranger, it doesn’t matter that the affection only lasts one night, it’s something and that’s more than he’s getting in Hell. He buries himself in those things to forget that he has to go back. He can bury himself in the next line or the next shot or the next attractive body and, just for a little bit, he can forget who he is.

Sending Lucifer to Hell in and of itself is cruel. Angels are clearly social creatures, and he’s been in solitary isolation for billions of years - it’s a miracle he hasn’t gone insane. Yes, he has the demons, but they don’t interact with him by choice and he’s not safe with them. Hell denies Lucifer everything a young person needs to grow into a stable, healthy adult.

the self-sabotage:

We also see that he’s got a tendency to sabotage himself when he’s on a downward spiral. This usually comes out one of two ways - either:

He tries to chase away the people who care about him. This comes from being so terrified of being abandoned and rejected again that he’d rather run them off himself than wait for them to inevitably (in his mind) decide that he’s Not Worth It and leave him. For example:

He tries to push Linda away when he’s grieving after killing Uriel.

He punches Dan in the face and gets himself thrown off the case by Chloe - she’s already warned him she would bench him if he didn’t pull himself together.

He throws Chloe’s initial rejection in her face when he’s on his self-hatred bender in S4.

He’s absolutely vicious to Amenadiel in this scene, when Amenadiel is trying to communicate that he loves Luci and wants to support him.

Or he talks shit about himself. You can always tell when he’s having a bad time; he’ll start coming out with shit like, “I’m the devil, remember, I’m evil.” His real view of himself will slip out from under the mask of confidence and vanity. Chloe cuts right to the heart of this in S4; he’s been told so many times that he’s responsible for all evil that he now believes it. He blames himself, even as he vehemently denies having ever made anyone do anything.

THE SUICIDAL IDEATION:

Jesus fuck, it’s a good thing Lucifer is in therapy.

The first time we see him actively attempt suicide is in 1x13 when he’s being framed for shooting the street preacher. It’s a case of “the straw that broke the camel’s back” here - he’s been having a really rough time lately:

Groups of zealots are cornering him in the street accusing him of murders he didn’t commit

Being accused of things he didn’t do is already a trigger for him

His own brother tried to have him assassinated.

His bodyguard and oldest friend betrayed him.

He’s just found out the detective makes him vulnerable.

He knows Dan - and therefore probably other work colleagues as well - think he’s got something to do with the satanic murders.

And now Chloe is turning her gun - and apparently her back - on him. She’s no different from anyone else. He was stupid to ever trust her, etc, etc, and now he’s spiralling.

She was the last rock keeping his head above the ocean at this point, and when she goes to arrest him, he goes under. We see that mania come out very quickly; he starts laughing hysterically and tries to goad an inexperienced uni into shooting him. He pretends to have a gun, knowing the cop will fear for his life and instinctively shoot. Since Chloe’s right there at the time, and he now knows he can be hurt around her, that’s attempted suicide. He wants to die. He even admits to Amenadiel he was trying to achieve “a good death…or at least a nice and messy one.”

No one ever addresses this bloody hell why

And then there’s the case with the shooter in the hospital. Lucifer’s grieving Uriel at this point, and he’s up to his eyeballs in self-loathing. He killed his brother. He really is the monster everyone believes he is. He’s spent the entire episode up to this point trying to make people punish him. He’s riled up Chloe at a crime scene and she’s told him off. He’s punched Dan, and Dan didn’t retaliate. He turned down Linda’s offer of continued therapy in a way that’s almost a challenge; he wants her to snap back at him. And when none of these little punishments are enough for him, he escalates and escalates and eventually he steps in front of the sniper’s intended victim and, again, goads him to shoot. He goes a bit further this time, though; he outright begs the sniper to shoot him, and reams the guy out when he says he didn’t think Lucifer deserved it.

Again, he knows Chloe is there. This is a suicide attempt. He even admits to Chloe that he didn’t care about the intended victim, he was just trying to get himself killed. She doesn’t believe him. And it’s never addressed again, and I’m salty.

Anyway I hope this clarifies some stuff for you anon? and I’m sorry it took so long to finish I rewrote this so many times for Maximum Sensitivity and kept including stuff and taking stuff out and it got SO LONG and i had to condense it and i have A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OKAY I HAD A LOT TO SAY

#lucifer on netflix #lucifer on fox #netflix lucifer #lucifer morningstar #tw suicidal ideation #tw self harm #tw child abuse #tw narc parents #tw attempted suicide #a+ celestial parenting #celestial family #lucifer meta #i dont think ive covered everything but fuck it im posting anyway bc if i rewrite this again im gonna scream

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crackcrocs · 3 years

Text

DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #9

This is to narcissistic mothers/ parents & anyone who is willing to understand.

(Written by me-for and through the lens of my dear friend, i wish you nothing but freedom from her chains. i wish you TLC)

Their ability to make everyone think they’re loving parents.

Their ability to make their kids believe that abuse is normal.

Their ability to make you believe you owe them everything.

Their ability to make themselves believe that they are right.

Their ability to turn the tables and make you believe that it was your fault.

All of this rings so true.

They do make you feel crazy; they suck the energy and ability to reason logically right out of you- and, by very nature of their narcissism, it never occurs to them that *they* might be the problem.

You can’t expect a relationship to happen with someone highly dysfunctional. how do you stoop down to the level of someone who aside from work & put all energy into keeping up an appearance can only abuse substance, speak to empty friends & post garbage.

In truth, I think the alcoholism is a symptom of her larger mental illness or narcissistic personality disorder- but it’s no excuse. Her parenting is unreliable, inconsistent, and unpredictable. There never is a sense of safety and consistency, allowing me to thrive.

I’m told to forgive & keep peace & ignore all your craziness. All the advice I've been getting on dealing with a narcissistic mother has been saying to avoid her as much as possible, or to try communicate & ‘keep peace’ as if I haven’t tried to communicate, as if I’m purposely singling her out from our already empty relationship. Well now I'm stuck at home all day, or every household or friend I bring over, she decides to involve. So much for distancing myself. The worst part is she isn't even doing it herself, she just sits around watching tv, having friends over & phoning everyone while Im expected to clean up after her and "contribute" to the family/ financially support my self for college.

- Yes, absolutely, I am the crazy one. You know what, I’m not even going to deny it, I probably have a ton of issues, most of them mental. But guess where they came from? Guess who made those problems worse and maybe even helped create them? No mom, you’re not to blame for everything or the “war in Iraq” as you so eloquently put it. But you are to blame for some it, at the very least. it’s time to take account & I will no longer be made to feel like the obligated for for an entitled narc.

I feel your claws sinking in less and less. You no longer have me in chains, I will break free from your emotional bondage even if it takes me seeming boring & silencing myself around you to not endure & tolerate your nonsense. Your words no longer fill me with despair like they once did.

This year long cold shoulder would have once filled me with anxiety but now all I feel is bliss. I no longer feel jealous when others talk about their seemingly perfect parents because I may not have that luxury but what I do have is a chance to be a "perfect parent" myself potentially one day. To be everything you couldn't and wouldn't somewhere far away and isolated from your poison.

I wonder how you feel... but I simply can’t understand or pretend to care anymore. I’m tired of putting energy into a source that doesn’t put out. When children don't talk to you unless prompted- it’s because there is nothing to be said after the plenty opportunities given to converse truly & openly.

No I don’t want to speak to your 9th friend on the phone today again about surface level things just to please you. No I don’t want to come socialise with your drunk friends & be spoken to like a child

When you have to tell yet another lie to yet another friend to mask the evidence of a broken home When you look in the mirror and only see insecurities When you realise there's no one around you and can't figure out why When you tear down someone close yet again, to feel good about yourself I wonder how you feel, I wonder if you feel, I wonder if you can...

my mom pushes me away but doesnt wanna let me leave. she doesn’t want to take into account that she pushed me to this extent. part of growth is being able to communicate your emotions properly. how can a whole 43 year old be unable to do so? I Vocalize when I’m not okay with something. Communication helps people avoid being uncomfortable, easily triggered, hostile, or passive aggressive with people. her communication is one sided and I’m the only one who gets to listen while she’s the only one who gets to talk, otherwise I’m ‘answering back’ or ‘telling a woman what to do’ even though I talk sense and out of respect in my responses or when I do try speak.

Worse yet I have to go BACK to the emotionally abusive situation that I basically fled.

What really bugs me is when you’ve given someone so many chances to do better and change. But then once you get tired of their antics, you try to move on and they continually try to reel you back in. Not even trying to change, but instead *trying* to reel you back in for their benefit. It’s unhealthy and traumatizing to say the least.

I guess i should be glad your swinging moods and emotions taught me to manage mine from young. I should be glad that I had to teach myself not to care about what you said to me and what you thought about me. I should be overjoyed that the side effect was me not caring about what anyone said or thought and basically becoming an inert emotionless void. I should be thankful that I always look fine even when I’m in pain and feeling like death and I’m capable of putting up with things that would send any sane person off the edge.

relationships are so much healthier when the goal is to experience life together and not to try to make the person into who you want them to be or to make them do what you want them to do. In my case my mother has de masculated me over the years making me soft and obedient, for her own selfish gain of having a man worship her. she decided since she doesn’t have a man, or never managed to find someone stay at home that’s he truly connected to, she’s decided the man that’s going to worship her will be me- her son. Since I resemble my father who she was in love with, she will always talk bad on me as she resents my father for not wanting her.

through gaslighting me over the years, it’s become harder to speak up, I even feel embarrassed to tell my dad even though that’s probably the only thing that will make her open her eyes and get clean. my pot is boiling though. Independence is obviously healthy but when it gets to the point where i find it challenging to actually be able to even admit that i might need assistance in this situation, problems arise. And for what? Why I’m I protecting her image? I’ve been taught to & I’m a respectable young man who won’t take joy from her exposure, but I don’t take joy from preserving information & keeping it all inside to deal with myself. I’ve become so hard on myself and still pushing through-it’s not easy, people still expect me to be a super heroe all the time. I have a hard time opening up, allowing people to help me in whatever I’m doing. I hate even admitting I need help most times. I wish I’d been taught early what my mother learned late, thankfully I was observant, self taught & still willing to learn- thankfully I’m not a follower & I know right from wrong.

The worst part about looking at the future and trying to imagine it full of hope, light and emotional health is knowing that you'll always have the scars. Emotional abusers aren't supposed to leave scars but mine managed to. And in my mother's usual style it can even be passed off as unintentional. In my case it was actually supposed to a kind act which ended badly in the way that only events in my life can seem to end.

All the phone calls to your friends, you continuously fake talk about me on a nonexistent relationship. it’s sad how you need to phone 100 people in a day and can only hold the same surface level chats. I wonder if you can grip the fact that nobody ever wants to help you with anything. you’re lucky they even listen and you’re lucky they only know your side of the story every time. you’re a great potter & can mould situations.

It’s sad that if you sense the slightest hint that people do not approve of your estrangement and they are not going to be there for your nonsense, you stir the pot and involve and buss peoples names, further spinning your web of lies.

All the pity you came to relish over the years as single mother warrior extraordinaire would simply dry up. Any attempts to paint me, your only child in a negative light would seem simply monstrous if I exposed you, but I maintain respect, bite my tongue & hold my head up because my real mother figure taught me that.

But really you have to keep up the pretense to your friends, that I was an insubordinate, ungrateful bitch of a problem child and you were a glorious brave single mother at her wits end just trying to make things work. even with the mural I painted, you forced me to mention the single mother narrative; as if that had anything to do with my art piece. I mean how selfish can you be? the art peace was to represent Sheku Bayou & the BLM movement, I didn’t even want to put my real name- I wanted to put my instagram page associated with my art because business is business and personal is personal. but to toot your horn, I added a whole separate paragraph because you wanted your name to be connected to my art piece as though I’m some sort of celebrity and it was my claim to fame. the single mother narrative is bullshit, I know tonnes of single african parents that know how to step up when it’s time to be a mother, but that’s something you’ve never known how to do. I remember you drunk the day I came here and I will never forget the words ‘I will drink myself to death if I want to’ I don’t have sympathy anymore and I’m not a saviour, I have tried and tried through hiding alcohol, attempting to converse & get her to cut down; but you can only bring a horse to the water not to drink it. how is a teenager meant to know how to stop an alcoholic junkie? I’m her son you say? If she truly cared and wanted to fix up, I would be one thing to stop her I thought.

my mother is an alcoholic. an addict. she refuses to wear those labels, but this has far exceeded the occasional ‘binge’ ‘sesh’ or ‘Prosecco party’ .Throughout middle school and high school, I would guess that half or so of the days out of the year she spent in a wine haze. Even my constant begging her to stop drinking did not stop it. Pouring her wine down the drain or hiding it made her angry and transitioned to mental and phsyical abuse. She became increasingly angry and I aged and entered high school but she was always this way since I came really. It was during this time that I would lock the doors to my room and try to hide from her in there. I still barricade my room door to this day just for my own peace. Despite all the horrendous things she did, every once in a while she did give me money, and this gets dangled over my head RELENTLESSLY... as if money buys love.

I needed to get some outside reassurance that I'm sane. Thankfully now I know and all I can do is try stay in my lane, can’t argue with a supposed adult with a brain that resembles a wall or a child.

People who were emotionally abused have spent far too long defending themselves. Justifying their own feelings. Trying to make others see and understand what they went through is a task. Abusive parents are very good at manipulating. that’s why I have ceased contact with this toxic person, i do not owe anyone an explanation.Doesn’t matter if they are a family member or close family friend. Doesn’t matter if they are a friend or acquaintance of yours. I’ve learned just to be boring , save everything interesting and beautiful about myself for those who deserve it.

#LCZABIBU #deathwillonlybethebeginning

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themikewheelers · 5 years

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For some reason, Lonny's line "is Hopper still chief?" got me thinking: if Lonny's the one who married Joyce after her and Hop's relationship ended, why does it seem like he's the one with the grudge? Did they have a rivalry in high school? Does he suspect Joyce has always had lingering feelings for Hop? Anyway, these are the little things I think about when I've gone 500+ days without new content!

Ok so looking at it timeline wise, Lonnie walked out on Joyce 4 years before s1 according to the show bible (And I believe Winona said it once before as well) which is the same year that Hop moved back to Hawkins and became chief. I don’t necessarily think that was a causation thing tho. Honestly, looking at their relationship in season 1, it really doesn’t seem like Joyce and Hopper really reconnected after Hop moved back, it wasn’t until after everything that happened in s1 that they became close again. And even before Lonnie and the kids and everything, personally I don’t really think Joyce and Hop were ever really formally dating in high school. I think they had some sort of unspoken thing and def were interested in each other, but nothing official really came of it, and then not long after graduating Hop went to Vietnam and Joyce started dating Lonnie. And here’s the thing with Joyce and Lonnie, I think when they were young they really did love each other. Or “love” might not exactly be the right word, but I think they had a really intense relationship and they really felt for each other, but it got to the point where it got unhealthy. They would fight easily and passionately, but then make up just the same, and it was just this constant back and forth, and then it was after they got married and had Jonathan that it got really bad. That Lonnie really became the full extent of the shit he was. Instead of the back and forth between the fighting and the making up, they were constantly fighting, and he was constantly drinking, and everything just became a mess. And that’s when Joyce rlly regretted marrying him, and I think Lonnie knew that, and I also think he wouldn’t have hesitated to really throw Hopper in her face when they were fighting, making comments about how he bets she wished she married him instead or whatever. Especially toward the end once Hopper moved back it became especially cruel, because we all know Hopper kinda immediately made a reputation for himself for basically being an alcoholic sleeping-around mess, so I’m sure Lonnie probably used that to make fun of Joyce, basically saying how lucky she is to have him because that’s what she could have instead. And again I really don’t think Hopper had any sort of causation in them finally breaking up, if anything I think the timing was just a big coincidence, and their divorce was probably only put off as long as it was bc of financial stuff. But yeah, I do think it’s possible Hopper could have been smth Lonnie would bring up in fights. And when he said that line about him when Will was missing, I don’t rlly think it was from a place of.... jealousy or anything like that, but more of just “so that piece of shit is in charge of helping” but to still kinda show his apathy bc while he’s using it as an excuse to insult Hopper, he doesn’t really care and he’s not genuinely concerned about Will’s wellbeing over it.

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redrighthanded-blog1 · 5 years

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19, 26, 27, 42 !!

What were your character’s deepest disillusions? In life? What are they now?

ETA: as per usual, turns out I can't fucking read and spent about an hour putting this reply together thinking the question said delusions and not disillusions. I'm too lazy to change it now, so I'm keeping the original reply. Plus, I guess it kinda still answers the original question regardless.

This is going to sound so emo, but the only proper answer I can come up with is: Levi’s deepest delusion is that he can handle everything, life, himself, etc., on his own.

It isn’t that it’s that grand a delusion as much as Levi is, for the most part, fiercely practical and realistic; has to be as a means of survival; so whatever delusions he does have are fairly insignificant ones that he can certainly live with, even if they do get in his way sometimes.

I’ve gotten to discuss his relationship with his sister with @asilverjackal these past few days and I’m really feeling the way their shared experiences have affected them so differently. While Rachel tends to put family and a sense of community above all, trying to make up for the family she lacked as a child and young adult; Levi, on the other hand, has had the exact opposite reaction. He’s not standoffish nor does he go out of his way to try to push people away from him, and he does feel intense love and loyalty to those who are a part of his life – but that circle is fairly small and he has every intention of keeping it that way. He hates being dependent and/or vulnerable and he’d rather keep people at arm’s length rather than allow them any closer.

In a big sort of way, it is working for him. It isn’t that he doesn’t miss companionship as much as he’s been able to find it in people he knows he can trust, even if in slightly unusual ways. This, for one, can be seen in his relationship with Eden, which allows for both physical and emotional intimacy on the one hand while, on the other, still doesn’t confine them within a romantic relationship; they’re close and know everything there is to know about one another but, at the same time, they’re not constantly up in each other’s business.

Another good example of this is his relationship with Marco which, on the one hand, is entirely familial but, on the other, at the same time is strictly a business arrangement. Marco treats him like a son and Levi views him, in a way, as a parental figure but, at the same time, this relationship stemming from Levi’s involvement in Marco’s business makes it so that it isn’t as personal as it might have been otherwise. It allows him to get what he needs out of those relationships without feeling as though he’s putting himself too far out there (which is another way of saying: it’s a good way for him to deny needing similar relationships, a real parental relationship or a real romantic relationship, because he has these arrangements and they work better for him than he thinks anything else would).

What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

I would call Levi’s taste in anything middle-class-casual? He isn’t rich, but economically-speaking, he is pretty cushy and though Levi isn’t a showoff, he does like to enjoy the comforts that come with being a mob boss’ right hand man, if only because he’s never had this kind of luxury before. He went straight from living in poverty to serving in the military, which meant he hardly had any use for whatever wealth he did accumulate (which wasn’t much, considering most of it was funneled back to Rachel), considering he was hardly ever let out on leave during those six years; then, it was alcoholism and depression and not being able to keep a steady job, meaning he was living part at Rachel’s expense and part off his discharge grant; did get a small taste of the good life at Marco’s expense before he were sent to prison (where, again, whatever relative wealth he might have accumulated wasn’t anything he could’ve put to use) – and then, only after his discharge, did he finally get to actually… err, run his life properly, if that makes sense.

Unprompted and unnecessary foreword aside, Levi’s taste is simple but elegant. He doesn’t need much and his taste is fairly minimalistic, but whatever he does own is usually of good quality and taste. His apartment is fairly large and was fully furnished when he rented it so, on the one hand, not a lot of stuff that are in there are his but, on the other – he made sure to rent something that accommodated to his taste. There’s wooden floors, the living room is lavish with a large L shaped couch and a black cast-iron coffee table, all fairly neutrally-colored and distantly Japanese-inspired; the kitchen is wide enough to accommodate a small isle in the middle fit for two people; the main bedroom features large floor-to-ceiling windows. Bear has his own corner in the living room with his bed and toys but even that is usually kept tidy. There is one spare bedroom/office that’s largely out of use (naturally, Levi doesn’t entertain often, let alone let anybody spend the night) and has become Levi’s dumping place for all his military crap that he doesn’t want to unpack and go through – but even those few boxes are neatly stored in that room’s closet; out of sight, out of mind.

Regarding clothing and appearance, as mentioned above, he likes to keep it casual and elegant. Everything plain, no interesting patterns or designs or whatever, all muted colors, not a lot of layers if he can help it (though this is Chicago we’re talking about). It’s a compromise between looking respectable and being comfortable, seeing as to how he does most of Marco’s legwork. Same goes for his personal appearance – it’s the first time in a long while he’s been able to grow out his hair and beard and he’s kind of digging the patches of grey that are slowly coming in in both (thinks it gives him an air of respectability) but, on the other hand, still keeps them short and sharp looking – because what kind of long-haired buffoon expects to be taken seriously?

Long story short: minimalistic, casual elegance.

How do they relate to their appearance? How do they wear their clothing? Style? Quality?

For clothing, see the above answer.

To answer the first bit of this question: on the one hand, as previously mentioned in this ask reply, Levi isn’t entirely comfortable with his own body. Understandably: a significant portion of it is taut scar tissue which, other than being ugly on its own, often constricts his movements (i.e. the limp) and, under certain circumstances of physical labor, can induce hyperventilation and a general inability to bend at the stomach or the knee of his injured leg – all in all, a very embarrassing experience to occur when he’s being intimate with anyone.

That being said, on the other hand: Levi isn’t entirely blind nor is he too self-deprecating to recognize that he does have some sort of… I want to say boyish charm? Though that isn’t exactly the term I’m looking for. He recognizes that he is, to some extent, handsome, at least in the face, and that the ~*~dangerous criminal~*~ and/or ~*~seasoned veteran~*~ aura and certain gruffness of his look certainly helps, and he will use it in his favor if he thinks he can, both for work and on the rare occasion that he’s trying to pick someone up.

What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

Loss of control, dependency and helplessness have been reoccurring themes in Levi’s life (his childhood, his military service, his pursuant PTSD, depression and and alcoholism, his jail sentence) and as a result of that, his need to maintain control over both himself and his surroundings at any given moment has continuously increased to the point that he’s somewhat alienated himself from most personal relationships (see answer to question no. 19 at the top of this post) and developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with certain situations. This, naturally, always brings him to the point in which the pressure becomes too great and he needs to lose control in a supervised and controlled environment (oh, the irony) – hence his excessive vaping habit and occasional relapse with alcohol.

It isn’t that Levi is entirely unaware of this. He’s old enough and has observed his own behavior on enough occasions to know very well that he has both trust and control issues. Rather, the way he sees it, this is more of a means to an end: he needs to keep his head above water, needs never to go back to the same awful place he were in after his discharge (it absolutely terrifies him to be that needy and that utterly depressed ever again) and maintaining control is simply a means of assuring that. Short of his loved ones (and, yes, this also includes Marco and his family), he’s willing to sacrifice anything and everything to ensure his own happiness, no questions asked. Don’t get me wrong: on a personal level, he’s a nice guy; clever, funny, kind; but don’t let his charm fool you. The switch will flip and he will become selfishly ruthless in a matter of seconds if need be.

@holyrots / character solidifying questions.

#holyrots #( answered )#( ooc )#( headcanon )#you're always so sweet about sending me asks <3 #thank u #u r a good fren

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gracefvls-blog · 6 years

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⋆ ◦ ° ☾ eiza gonzalez + cis female + she/her — have you seen samantha torres? they sure have been hanging out at the armory a lot recently. they are a thirty two year old known as the caliginous, and they currently work for the cobras as an arms dealer, which they’ve been doing for thirteen years. a heterosexual cancer, they are intuitive + tenacious, as well as moody + suspicious. empty beer bottles on a windowsill, static from a vinyl record, hazy summer nights under street lights.

tw: drug mention, alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, murder

hi hi to old friends and new, i’m ari! i’m a twenty year old university student in the cst, and i use she/her pronouns, please and thank you. i’m so happy to be back with you guys! i’ll keep my pointless hello ramblings to a minimum and say i’m always down for plots, and you can always ask for my discord since i tend to respond more consistently there-- it’s a new one so if you previously had mine it might not be the place to reach me anymore. i play sam here as well as kaliah, whose intro will be up shortly. but back to sam--

samantha torres was born into chaos, which certainly explains why she’s always been able to survive it. her mother, esmeralda, was a drug-dependent escort in the early days of the savages; her father, alexander, a hot-headed arms dealer since before the cobras began, recruited in as the gang built its foundations. their relationship began from a drunken one night stand and remained rocky for its duration. it was on and off, ruled by jealousy and fueled by addiction, and vastly unhealthy for all parties involved due to the emotional and at times physical abuse that occurred in the relationship. passed off between the two and at times handed off to family in valdez, it was a tumultuous childhood that left her exposed to drug use, arms, and the criminal underworld from a young age: it was the only thing she knew. her mother’s drug addiction meant that she tended to pass more time with her father, even if he was ill-tempered. it was from him that she learned about arms and weaponry, and became knowledgable about from adolescence.

as she grew older, her mother’s mental illnesses were exacerbated by her drug use, and esmeralda became abusive and unstable towards her daughter and alexander. in one substance-induced family fight when samantha was in high school, her mother began to threaten sam and alexander with a weapon in the home. fearing for her life and overflowing with a lifetime of resentment and anger at her mother’s treatment, samantha shot her mother twice-- although the bullet wounds themselves were not fatal, her mother died due to complications with her injuries and was unable to heal due to damage done to her body by her drug use.

although she had previously existed in a neutral territory between the two gangs due to her parents’ different affiliations and her youth, it was at this time she joined the ranks of the cobras. a young recruit, sure, but she had proved herself in the eyes of leadership-- after all, she had shot a savage, her own mother-- and came with her father’s knowledge, as he still served as an arms dealer himself. she worked alongside him until he was arrested and incarcerated, at that time taking over his work. she is damn good at her job, and always gets it done.

personality-wise, samantha is... a lot. she’s stubborn as hell, and tenacious until the end in every aspect of her life and every sense of the word. she’s moody: flirting and smiling coyly while sipping whiskey one minute, and then ready to cut your throat, smash the glass, and slam the door on you the next. she is highly loyal to the few she cares about: she has learned that many people come and go in this life, but those that have stuck around and she has come to love and care for, she would kill for without second thought. respects those with similar experience/work ethic. a tough front, but if a newbie asks a question or requests a few extra pointers, she takes care to do so. very persuasive. extremely in tune with her gut: she listens to it constantly, and is highly suspicious of others. very rigid and unpredictable when she’s hurt or betrayed. watch the fuck out. those eyes will flash and she’ll be planning your demise in a flash. her vices are drinking ( almost constantly, but never on the job ) and drugs; she enjoys a good movie, the outdoors, and practicing her marksmanship. she can be warm to an extent and amiable with those she trusts and knows. flirtatious, often, as a means of being persuasive, but usually adapts to what she thinks will work best. rather unforgiving. unyielding to most.

that was a lot, so if you made it, i commend you! i don’t have too many particular specific wc’s in mind, so just like this and i’ll hit you up to brainstorm something. mwah!

#outlaw.intro #tw alcohol abuse #tw drug abuse #tw abuse #tw murder

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briellebouquet · 5 years

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i’m sick and i don’t know what it means. what with. how to fix it. i guess i haven’t tried hard enough. going to doctors a bunch over the last year doesn’t make up for the fact that i ended up cutting off of meds cold turkey. and then ruining christmas.

trying first to explain to my younger brother B how hip hop isn’t actually dumb or bad. he used to love hip hop. it was confusing and difficult to understand. shortly after mental health came up. he used the word ‘pussification.’ i tried to explain that it isn’t something that can just be controlled. turned off, or gone around even. turns out he’s as stubborn as i am. pussification. i couldn’t even communicate the latent sexism. and the fact that i was trying to sort out my own, uh, pussification. in the sense of weighing the how-to, pros, and cons inherent in transitioning. that i had only within the preceding few months even solidly accepted that i was into guys, and would be pursuing what at the time would’ve been a gay relationship. it stung, hearing what felt like an assault on my emergent trans identity, sexuality, and mental health struggles all at once. but i held on tight.

i broke later. discussing something related to capitalism, wages if i recall initially though it branched out, with my aunt. then my brother A jumped into it. and my dad. and B again. and from the periphery my other aunt. me against the world. it was polite enough at first but ultimately, i ended up so buried trying to communicate disclaimers and softening my arguments so as not to offend anyone, that the people arguing against me would interrupt me before i’d even gotten to the point i was trying to make. the interruptions at a certain point got aggressive. i was passionate, but i didn’t get heated until right before i broke down. i got flustered and panicky and said “i need to stop” and hurried past everyone from the back corner of the room over to the stairs, then down into the basement. i sobbed and cried. my dad came down and apologized and cried too. he often does. it means alot that he cares enough to regret these things. but it doesn’t stop them from happening.

strung out on meds after being denied long term disability by insurance (Sun Life) on the grounds of it being a pre-existing condition. I was under a month (might have been just a week but i can’t remember for sure) from the ‘pre-existing condition’ clause no longer applying. i went off of work for having panic attacks and breakdowns. hyperventilating in the bathroom. crying on shift. picking beard hair out of my face to the point of it leaving patches and having to shave. they paid me short term disability, then denied me long term after leading me to believe it was just a matter of paperwork going through. which left me out of money and out of work. no money, no meds, i thought. i mean, while waiting for their decision, i had lost upwards of 30 pounds. unable to afford food. going a day or two at a time on an apple poached from the fruit dish upstairs. then caving and stealing eggs and making them while my dad and his wife were at work when i got so hungry i stopped being able to move. that was my life. i stayed on meds through a bunch of that, but when they turned off my income, i lashed out and immediately dumped by remaining meds, shortly before the christmas shitshow. a couple of weeks prior i think. if i didn’t have an income, i didn’t owe it to anyone to keep taking them. they weren’t working. and i wouldn’t even be able to afford a co-pay for renewal. might as well get withdrawal over with, i thought. i stopped going to therapy after the third appointment where she shrugged and told me change how i think about things. it wasn’t working. i wasn’t having success. and it got so awkward and uncomfortable trying to explain why the treatment wasn’t making sense to me, and having her respond the same way, that i couldn’t get over the threshold when the next appointment came. i canceled via email and made up an excuse and said i’d reach out again to reschedule if that was okay. knowing i never would.

losing my income, i sold both of my guitars, still a bit before christmas. got nickel-and-dimed pretty bad. got like $800 which i paid $400 to dad for rent, and the rest, i used for groceries and fast food dopamine chasing. i didn’t have much in my life. giving in and irresponsibly getting a sub for $8 honestly kept me going. especially after losing my guitars. i still love singing, and occasionally write bad poetry, but music was my capital O Outlet. i miss it so much. i miss having ideas and being able to fumble my way through the process of trying to pull it out of my head. i don’t know when i’ll be able to get a guitar again. in this time period, i continued losing weight and struggling to find food. especially once the guitar money ran out. it didn’t last terribly long. somewhere in january i went to social services and now i’m receiving a small monthly stipend that i usually burn through by the 15th or 20th. sometimes i burn it at bars. i go to bars to read. i can be at a bar and feel like i’m socializing even when i’m not. when i’m there alone. shallow pleasantries with a server. chatter all around me. it helped. coffee shops too, but most of them close early, and i stay up all night so i don’t have to be awake while my dad is home and active. coffee shops don’t work as well. but alcohol and pub food is extremely expensive when you’re dead broke. so, like i said, i run out by the 15th or 20th. between a few pub trips, coffee shop runs, fast food weakness, and groceries.

i went the long way around, but it’s been a few months on social security payments and weeks at a time being pinned in the bedroom with dad and his wife periodically expressing frustration with me for being here. it’s led to me trying to be invisible. but i also run out of money and ultimately poach food from the fridge. when there’s cans of pop i break down and take them sometimes. i hate myself for it. i try to replace them when i do have money, but then i drink those too. i get panicky to the extent that i haven’t been able to refill my water when they’re awake and home, let alone use the stove. even when i have food. even going to the bathroom i try to time out so i only have to leave the room when they’re in bed or not home. i know this is messed up. they’re not being directly cruel. it’s more passive aggressive. and apparent in how they speak to me, when we’re in situations where we speak. situations that are occurring less and less frequently as i back away, and they back away too. i can feel the frustration. sometimes dad lets comments slip i think by accident. it’s clear that i’m not welcome here. and i get it. i’d want my place to be my own place too. but it’s also been a terrifying experience for me, trying to cope with being unwanted. it’s been just about a year now, here. not for one second has it been good. it’s humiliating. i’m 33. i just want to live on my own and not starve. god i want to live on my own and not starve so bad. so that’s where i’m at.

i’ve been reading lately about autism. i’ve been diagnosed with cluster B BPD which shares symptoms with autism. and there are some autism indicators that i at least don’t think i share. but also lots of accounts from autistic people that i’ve experienced directly day to day. or have figured prominently in the leadup to gruesome lifequakes (i’ve had 4 or 5 at least.) so now i’m thinking, am i autistic? or have i created confirmation bias as i desperately search for a diagnosis that will lead to effective treatments? i had told my therapist and my psychiatrist and my parents and my MD that i think if i had a safe, private place to live, and enough money for food, that i could at least do a better job working on treatment recommendations. i think that would go a long way. maybe the BPD treatments and meds, thus far completely ineffective by any tangible noticeable measure, would work better if i weren’t breaking down at work, or freaking out about not making rent. the System couldn’t make that happen i guess. so now i’m living in an immensely unhealthy environment, eating poorly for 10-15 days every month, too afraid of people to even socialize let alone go jobhunting again, and trying to diagnose myself with something that will get me help. real help. i’m suicidal. i’m fucked up. i’m hoping i can get on EI disability soon, but even that only lasts for a few months so it’s a bandaid.

i have a doctor’s appointment re: HRT for transition and i’m going to cut my food budget so i can buy makeup and a wig in the meantime. femme clothes will have to wait unfortunately. i’m fighting back suicidal ideation by imagining my future as a woman, planning to volunteer at Pride (god i hope i can make a friend or two, being alone hurts so much i can’t stop crying about it) and hoping that i can get a referral to a new psychiatrist soon. One that’s trans friendly. i had a rough experience with the last one when i came out to him. a new therapist too probably. i can’t see myself getting over the discomfort and trying to get back in to see my old one. my visits with her were limited by the province anyhow - her job isn’t to have permanent patients.

if i can get EI disability, move out into my own place without a roommate - a bachelor suite that’s safe and comfortable would be enough, - buy some thrift store femme clothes, start learning makeup, and get on HRT + a referral to a good psychiatrist and therapist... if i can have some of those things work out, even. maybe it’ll start getting better. maybe i’ll be able to look in the mirror again. maybe i’ll be comfortable going out in public. maybe i’ll make a friend or two through volunteer work. maybe this year, i’ll be able to at least conceive of a way to buy a decent electric guitar. but i mean, all of this stuff, even making and keeping friends, requires money. and i’d very sincerely rather die than get the customer service work i’m ‘qualified’ for right now. i’ve been to the ER after screaming about suicide and bawling at work twice in the last couple years. i can’t honestly say i’d go to the hospital again if things got that intense. stabilize first, then work.

i guess all of this depends on whether or not the canadian safety net is strong enough to keep me afloat. applying for EI has taken forever and will only last i think 4 months. the government absorbed my tax refund into my outstanding student loan debt. social security doesn’t pay enough to cover rent literally anywhere. housing assistance may or may not approve me - i can’t even apply usefully until i have EI income, since housing assistance does not = free rent and i sure as hell don’t have a damage deposit saved up.

things don’t look good. i don’t know what i’m sick with. i have no money. and i’m living in hell. this isn’t coherent or well written, i know. it serves no functional purpose. but it feels better to dump it on the internet than it did to scrawl it in my diary in apoplectic fits as it was all happening. maybe some day i’ll try to tell a real story. to tell a story, usefully. to some end other than weakly grasping at small measures of catharsis. i hope some day i can. for now, it’s enough to scream “i’m hurting” and walk away. so now i’m gonna go outside into the violent wind, and walk away.

goodnight. if you read, or even skimmed this, thanks. it’s bad and heavy, i know. so thanks. goodnight :)

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