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aldryrththerainbowheart · 4 months

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Preserve Your Own Light

Note: for my mutual @lunargrapejuice

Part 1 and Part 2

As everyone settled for another night of rest, Xenthia sat by the fire, body bruised and broken after her last fight. The only sound that accompanied the crackling of the fireplace was the scratching of chalk on the paper.

A little hobby she picked up years ago. Some of Sylvanus's creations are so breathtaking one wishes to preserve them forever, and that's what she did, with pigment and paper. As Xenthia's hand danced on the piece of parchment, her mind ran through the events of the last three days.

She immediately knew something was horribly wrong when Astarion came to her and asked for her help. Xenthia got her answer when he took off his shirt in front of her. He looked so ashamed and nervous, she assumed there was an injury from his previous battles he was hiding from her, but it was much, much worse.

The jawline is a touch slimmer, I have to start again.

Jagged, ugly scars ran all over his back to form runes and symbols of likes she never seen before. When she convinced Astarion to talk to others in the camp about them, Karlach said they're written in infernal. As if having a script written into someone's back wasn't ominous enough.

The nose is straight. Can't forget to shade his laugh lines and those nasal lines too.

Cut to Last Light Inn, Raphael made his unpleasant appearance and the paladin made a deal with him no matter how much she despised the thought. What he demanded in exchange for the information was practically a suicide. Thank the Elder gods for surviving this fight, she was held together by bandages and divine magic. As Shadowheart and Lae'zel dragged her unconscious, bloody, and beaten body to the camp, Xenthia pondered why she agreed to help Astarion in the first place.

The hair curl around his ears and then swipe back, like so...

To get rid of that tortured look on his face. And to alleviate the pain in her chest whenever she remembered the details he shared with her about his imprisonment.

I'm going to tear Cazador to shreds with your bare hands once I meet him.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Xenthia quickly pressed the parchment into her chest in panic, her head whipping at the sound of a familiar voice. Really, it should scare her how easily can Astarion sneak up on her. He sat down on the log she was leaning against, stoking the flames with a stick. They both watched the fire in silence before the orc woman braved an answer.

"I thought I was going to be gone for good." She choked out in pitiful attempt to sound casual.

Astarion looked at her in surprise, "Well, we face death at every corner. Nothing new here," he added with a shrug.

"No, we face danger. Today, there were moments I... that I was... it was so damn close." Xenthia buried her face in her hands, overwhelmed with all the emotions welling up inside her.

Astarion was at loss of what to do. He wasn't really a type others turned to comfort. He made sure to work on his reputation of heartless, cruel scoundrel tirelessly. But he was the one who decided to approach her, sitting all alone in front of the fire. Xenthia was a woman of cloth, she swore an oath to protect and kindle a light whenever she went, and that included him, apparently. Still, Astarion often underestimated how far that dedication went.

To think that this light would ever reach him... he stopped praying for it years ago... and now it found him.

He awkwardly reached out and ran a hand through her hair.

"We all bitten off more than we can chew, but I suppose that's part of the Illythid experience, hm?"

Xenthia leaned into his touch, to the point she rested against his leg and Astarion almost jumped out of his skin. What in the hells is going on...

She braved to voice what was hanging in the air "Cazador is a vile piece of shit and we're going to stop him. I promise."

The vampire let out a snort of laughter, "You think it's possible?"

Xenthia audibly gulped when she said in tremble in her voice "I don't know...but we'll have to try. I...I can't let you fall into the arms of that vile man."

How many prayers he sent to every god in every church of Baldur's Gate for this moment. Only for his pleas to be answered by a paladin whose order had only one member, worshipping a god that has no name. And all he did to receive that protection was to behave like a complete piece of shit that complained, mocked, and snarled at every turn.

Ugh.

Astarion mused, "If that ritual is completed a terrible disaster will befall the world."

Tossing the stick into the fire he added, "Starting with my death, just when I started enjoying my freedom."

He looked down at her, only to find out she had her big brown eyes set on him. Something in his being...moved...he didn't dare to ponder what.

"I need to bring the fight back to him." His jaw set in determination, "And I need your help."

Xenthia gave him the best smile she could muster in her beaten state and gave him one simple nod. Nothing more reassuring at that moment.

There was this... warmth in her smile, it was too much for him to bear. Astarion got up hurriedly, dragging her along with him.

"Now of you go, you're practically falling asleep in your feet. Can't have you dying on me now if you are to become a successful meat shield."

That earned him a laugh. Xenthia made it slowly to her tent with Astarion practically holding her uptight. He nudged her to her bedroll, throwing several furs on her despite her protests.

"Hush. Yurgir and his lackeys truly did number on you, best you get some rest."

She conked out almost immediately, but he stayed sitting next to her sleeping form a minute longer. As if her sleeping face would reveal an answer for all those thoughts and emotions swirling in his head.

"Why are you so good to me?" He spoke into the night, a genuine question hanging in the air.

Something moved in the corner of his eye. He caught a sight of a piece of paper next to Xenthia's bedroll. He snatched the paper from the ground with curiosity, expecting some sort of interesting information or perhaps a powerful runes. Instead, he found a drawn portrait of rather handsome, elven man.

Who was that? He hasn't looked like anyone he encountered on their journey.

The high cheekbones, aquiline nose, and noble features...

That's me.

Astarion let out a strangled sound, something between laugh and sob as he committed to memory a face he hadn't seen in two centuries.

He traced the lines on the paper with his finger, leaving a small smudge in there. It seems she made plenty of revisions as she drew him. Must've taken time with it, too. Committing every inch of his visage to memory. There were several pieces of paper filled with individual parts of his face, particularly his eyes and his mouth.

Astarion looked at Xenthia's sleeping face. There were so many things he wished to say, wanted to ask, but now's not the time. He will make sure that you the extension of his feelings.

And this time he'll do it right.

The opportunity presented itself after they visited the Moonrise Towers.

Xenthia...she could have easily told him to bite Araj. To force himself through it no matter how he felt about it. But she didn't, which made Astarion realize he never stopped thinking like a slave.

Her intentions and thoughts still muddled his mind. She's not a target, not an enemy, not a lover. Then...what is she to him?

She's a madwoman with a death wish and a heart of gold, for one. An outcast amongst humans and orcs alike. A savage brute cleaving through enemies like a beast who talks about beautiful sunsets and cute puppies and makes flower crowns. Xenthia was so ready to risk her life for him, or anyone in their party. No seduction or manipulation required. She laughed like a dying moat, sang like a harpy, and danced like...well like an orc, but that never kept her from singing, dancing, and laughing to the fullest. The orc half-caste kept her emotions in the open without ever holding them back to the point that made Astarion uncomfortable.

She...she is incredible...and Astarion is bewitched. Like a damn fool, but there's no going back. He's already far too gone to push down all these...feelings. And maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to hold back anymore.

After all, his lifestyle changed. It's only natural for his love life to take a new form as well.

That's how he found himself stumbling through Underdark, which was surprisingly glowy, to the one who made his long-dead heart beat again.

He found Xenthia near some strange glowing river, you have your back turned to him, crouched near the riverbank. Astarion couldn't fight the urge to sneak up on her. Blame it on the predator in him. Once he was close enough he bent down and gently blew on her green pointy ear. Before he knew it, he was on the ground with his arm twisted behind his back.

"Shit! Astarion...I...I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you!"

"It's alright darling, I should know better than to sneak up on holy knight. Nothing goes past you, does it?" he chuckled.

Accept his affection for her...maddening that.

The orc woman laughed, "Was getting suplexed the only thing you came here for, or...?"

Astarion cleared his throat. "Ah, no no. I...ahem...wanted to thank you."

She gave him a confused look. "What for?"

He almost busted out in hysterical laughter. Of course, Xenthia would treat her endless kindness as a matter of fact.

"For what you've said!" he pressed on, "While I was in front of that insufferable drow."

She still seemed to not get his point. Astarion sighed, it seemed that he'll have to spell it out for her.

"I spent nearly two centuries using my body to lure pretty things back for my master. It never mattered how I felt about it! You could've asked me to do the same. But you didn't, and I'm grateful for that."

The confusion melted into a pity. She stepped closer to him and grasped his shoulders. He gave an involuntary twitch. This was hell, he hated this, but he had to tell her everything to explain himself fully.

"I could never ask you to do something you don't want to, Astarion Never!" Xenthia's voice was filled with so much emotion it made him squeamish.

"It's a novel concept, I admit." he chuckled to alleviate the tension. It didn't help that the girl still tenderly held him by the shoulders, so close he could practically taste her. He gently shook her off and stepped back, his body howling at the loss of warmth.

"And a little intimidating, too. It would be so easy to bite her. Just another disgusting moment to push myself through. This was the sole purpose of my existence after all - seducing anything with a pulse. Today's events made me realize I never stopped acting like someone's possession." Astarion gesticulated wildly with his hands, words tumbling out of him like water from a broken dam. After years of putting on a facade, of carefully schooling your words, gestures, and tone, it was exhilarating to finally be true to someone.

"Astarion. I'm very sorry for everything that happened and I truly am grateful that you're telling me all of this. But...where are you going with this?"

He took a pause to avoid the pained look she was giving him and to collect the strength to keep looking her in the eyes once he admitted the full length of his shame.

"You see...I had a plan..."

As Astarion kept on talking he saw Xenthia's expression shift from incredulousness to hurt to anger, and for a moment he thought confessing to her might not be as great an idea as he thought. He continued, explaining his instinctual urge to seduce to secure safety, which later bloomed into genuine feelings.

"You're incredible. You deserve something real. I want us to be something real."

Xenthia struggled to find a proper response. She didn't know whether to be angry at Astarion for basically admitting that he was using her, angry at herself for falling for it and there was this ever-present pestering sympathy and pity that gnawed at her for all the reasons he had for deceiving her.

"How...how am I supposed to even react to that?!" The orc woman turned to Astarion but he gave her no answer.

"All this time...I knew you were a bit of a bastard but I assumed at least the attraction was genuine...You're telling me all this time you played me like a fiddle?!?" Her voice kept increasing in volume but she didn't care. The frustration welled up inside her like a fireball.

"But that's the point! I am attracted to you!" Astarion urged desperately. "Look at you for goodness sake." He gestured to her form with a hopeless smile.

Xenthia ground her teeth together, "Are you mocking me?"

He frowned, "Gods, you're so stubborn. Why is it so hard to believe that someone might find you attractive?"

"Because I listened from day one how hideous I am! My teeth, my skin, my body was under reminder of how grotesque everyone found me, including YOU!" The last part was finished with a genuine shout. It made her head swivel in the direction of the camp, afraid that their argument might reach their companion's ears.

Astarion spread his arms like a martyr. "I know! I was an arse! I was so blinded by my own pain that I ignored and even revered in pain I inflicted on others. I don't blame you for being angry at me! As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you sent me to hell right then and there." He dropped his arms, shoulders sagging. "Perhaps we would both be better for it. Gods know you could do much better than me." Thankfully, this made some of her anger dissipate.

"The fact that it does mean something to me is the problem. And before you say it, no, I'm not bemoaning my fate of falling for a half-orc, I just...don't know what I am."

He stepped closer to her, testing the waters.

"Intimacy...being close to someone was used as performance. Even though whatever we have between us is different than any other relationships I had, it still feels...dirty." He suppressed all these memories of past conquests and prowlings in the night, selling his body like a common whore. Why, why can't he just forget.

"I don't know how to be close to someone, no matter how much I want to."

He looked up at Xenthia and, fuck, with so much longing and pain and vulnerability it rendered her weak.

"Argh! You...dammit...stop it! Stop giving me that wet, stray, kitten look!"

She raised her arms as if wanting to strangle him and Astarion instinctively winced. To his infinite surprise, a pair of burly arms enveloped him in a warm, tight embrace.

It took Astarion a moment to process that she was not smashing him over the head with a rock. Another moment that you've seen to forgive him as he slowly, awkwardly wrapped his arms around her.

She was so, so warm, and firm, and for a second there he felt like if she hadn't held him so tightly, he might've crumbled. This was the most honest and open he was in the centuries and it left him quite weak. He felt as she shifted her arms to wrap them even more securely around him, one hand clutching his hip, the other pressing to his shoulder. Xenthia buried her face in his hair and nuzzled it. When Astarion realized she won't be letting go of him anytime soon, he pressed his face into her chest and inhaled her scent.

"Maybe what you really need is a friend, not a lover," Xenthia whispered into his hair.

Astarion's eyes snap open. She keeps surprising him tonight. Could that truly satisfy him? Astarion was once more unsure whether her interest in him was platonic or romantic. But does it really matter? Isn't it enough that she's willing to stay by his side? He pulled away to look at her, mouth opening and closing to formulate an answer.

"I...I'd like that." He winced internally at the voice crack. He spoke so softly Xenthia had to lean in closer. It made his knees weaken, who knew a man who spent decades luring people with his body could be so easily flustered.

She rubbed small circles into his back as she spoke. "I don't mind taking it slow, it's more of my style, honestly." Orc woman chuckled, the sound ruffling his hair. And just to mess with him she added, "We'll cuddle and hold hands and kiss all sweet like teenagers."

Astarion laughed, "That almost sounds like a challenge." The thought of participating only in the most innocent displays of affection with someone who is more delectable each day felt truly amusing.

"I've had an endless parade of lovers, but friend..." He took a pause, actually sifting through his memories to discern if there was someone in his past like her. "I can't think of a single one."

He finally stepped away. Xenthia's touch was too distracting and he wanted to get his feelings across. Astarion takes her hand, green, calloused, and much bigger than his, and holds it between his own hands like a precious crystal ornament.

"...until you."

He looked at her with so much naked adoration it made her feel like she could choke on it. Despite her previous outburst, Xenthia could not suppress her true feelings no matter how much she tried to be angry at him.

The infamous charmer claimed another victim. One could only hope he won't shatter the heart in his grasp this time.

#astarion x tav #baldurs gate astarion #bg3 astarion #astarion bg3 #astarion #baldurs gate 3 #baldur’s gate 3 #baldurs gate #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #baldurs gate tav #half orc #half orc oc #half orc tav #astarion ancunin #paladin oath of the ancients

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