#had to put it away I was so embarrassed
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"sounds nice... having a partner"
#the walking dead game#twdg#violentine#clementine twdg#violet twdg#MAANN when clem says this in s3 JUST WAIT BBY#people who say clemvi has no basis like ep2 isnt just them working as a team for 2 and a half hours regardless of player choice#like be fr#clem telling louis that violet patching up the back wall is ok because she needed something to keep herself busy. married behavior#vi asking clem to help check in on everyone while she deals with the wall. their shared smile when she comes back outside :)#and then they sit in the leadership spot together overlooking the yard and everything theyve planned together coming to fruition :)#sorry i just think their romance set up in eps 1 and 2 is obvious as FUCK and im tired of (Some) people pretending it isnt#'i havent seen her warm up to someone in a long time' brody literally tells clem that vi seems to like her after its been 24 hours#after shes been a block of ice for a whole year. and clem just melted those walls down immediately while they fought walkers together#violet is so devoted to clem post ep1 its embarrassing for her#'i saw she had you pinned and i- shit i got So crazy...' sorry if you dont think shes in love with clem idk what to tell you#'i'll tear that boat apart before we leave without you' i know you would girlie!!!#the animators went CRAAZAYAYAYAY the way they look at each other... their little smiles at each other....even before the belltower#the way clem looks at her while they dance.... the way she puts her head down on her shoulder so contentedly....#and then she keeps her head on violets shoulder as she pulls away so clems chin gets dragged with it like she doesnt want to let go#'so you never forget that night' 'i never will' they are DISGUSTINGLY in love with each other it makes me physically ill#its 2024 and im still hearing 'i just didnt see it :/'. lazerbeams you#spaced art 2024
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Mav: I once had a crush on someone and I didn't know how to handle it so I filled their car with heart-shaped confetti.
Slider: ...
Ice: That’s so funny! I went to my car once and found it filled with heart-shaped confetti.
Mav: How fun! I have to go water my dog now.
#ice didnt put it all together until much later#he asked slider if mav had a crush on him#slider was crying on the floor over how blind his pilot was#how can ice be so smart and yet so dumb#mav is ice's blind spot#incorrect quotes#top gun#icemav#tom iceman kazansky#pete maverick mitchell#ron slider kerner#i always make slider suffer dealing with icemav shenanigans#im so sorry slider my beloved#and no mav doesnt even have a dog#he's just an idiot#who comes up with bad excuses to run away from ice#because he's blushing and embarrassed
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vulture update: so many that apparently multiple people called the police, who showed up and proceeded to say "yup it's a dead dear, that's a lot of vultures, maybe try animal control? good luck" and then left. so that was cool.
#also i got denied for giving blood bc they couldnt find a big enough blood pressure cuff#to take a good reading. which is bullshit because ive given blood there and at other red crosses a dozen times before#so that was really embarrassing. and then when i got home the police were here.#and then they left and my family got home and my sister had a huge breakdown#because my dad was an asshole- like always#so it's been a fucking day.#yknow when every straw feels like your last straw but there are always more fucking straws#because i came home at the end of my rope and had to put it aside in order to be the only one advocating for her#and helping her recover. like.#it's exhausting. im not allowed to have a breakdown because then who would fucking empty the dishes and put the groceries away#and sit with her while she sobs so hard she throws up and get her medicine for her after.#i dont know guys i dont know...
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Ooh, could I request something with a royal vampire Scriabin x vampire hunter or priest Edgar?? I just saw their outfits for day 18 and was like 👀 "I immediately love them", lol. My brain also keeps making a half connection between this concept and vampire moths, probably because of the Vargases' weird relationship with moths/butterflies since the diaryfic. So if you felt like including any butterfly imagery, I'd be interested how you would incorporate it!
Day 24 - Try again? ♥
#My art#Requestober#Vargas#Scriabin#Edgar#Blood#So I actually had a lot of vampire ideas which is like privately embarrassing because I'm not usually much into vampires these days lol#And while I'm quite happy with how this turned out in the end - the red accents really pop I think ✨ - I didn't get to use most of my ideas#You can juuuuust barely see the butterfly masquerade half-mask I gave Scriabin - and that's nothing to say the Concepts ✨ and Ideas ✨#So I figured I could just put 'em here lol#For the most part I was thinking that Scriabin would target Edgar and hunt him exclusively#And Edgar in turn would just be a rando who'd have to take up the cross (lol) as an amateur vampire hunter out of necessity#Depending on how the logic worked I was like ''Would feeding off of Edgar even be pleasurable? Sounds more like a septic system ew lol''#Maybe it'd be specifically the types of chemicals released into his blood that would taste good more than them sharing a blood type(?)#Like adrenaline or cortisol - makes him spicy! Haha ♪#And then by the end of things Edgar wouldn't kill him or anything he'd actually end up curing him and that would be The Biggest Offense#How dare Edgar exist in a way that doesn't directly benefit him how /dare/ Edgar reduce him down to being just a human#Feeding off of Edgar defined him it's all he's ever been how dare Edgar take that away from him! Blood doesn't even taste good anymore!#:3c#I'm also quite into the butterfly/moth imagery! I didn't know about vampire moths! I knew that butterflies are opportunistic sanguivores but#Any excuse for any amount of scalloping and I just lose my mind about it#The little embroidered details are cute! I know it's in black and white but I definitely see the inside of his cape as red too haha#I thought it might be a little overwhelming so I just kept it grey haha#Poor Edgar ♪ It hurts but that'll just piss him off! His hands were probably too shaky to aim properly#There's always next time
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You know what the worst thing about putting Tenoch's Namor in more things is? I'm gonna become ever more attached to him and someday theyre gonna try and take him away from us. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NAMOR CANNOT DIE AT ANY POINT. I WILL BE SICK.
#I WANT MORE OF HIM SO SO BAD BUT IM SO SCARED FOR HIM#I AM DISTRAUGHT HONESTLY#no cause I've literally never cared this much about an MCU character. Tenoch as Namor is just pure serotonin for me. Tenoch is incredible.#Namor#tenoch huerta#Namor is my sweet baby they can't take him away from me.#Not only is he just. insanely absolutely drop-dead gorgeous in a way the english language cant seem to communicate.#his on screen presence is endlessly delicious. I NEED IT.#They just had a man who is already insanely gorgeous and is hot as hell when he plays men with confidence and they put him in tiny green#shorts and he successfully played a man with confidence that doesn't even think about the need for confidence#to not even get started on the rest. You're telling me people aren't supposed to fall in love with him left and right? shut uuuup.#God. I am embarrassing. I need to shut up. I have journal for a reason.
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its just not fair that my mom has to be completely dependent on me 100% when im barely 20 years old
#vent in the tags if u dont wanan read#its not FAIRRRR dude#for context my mom has literally never had a job. ever in her life. she met my dad shortly after hs and she was completely dependent on him#now hes gone and she has literally nothing to her name (my dad didnt have a lot put away) so now shes dependent on me n my brother#but its just not fair bc she had literally 30 years to get her life together and she just??? chose not to???#now suddenly im responsible for all her bad decisions while she gets to coast her way through life like she ALWAYS HAS???#she wasnt even a good mother to me yet i gotta bend over backwards to accommodate to her feelings???#we've gotten into so many arguments about this and shes always like 'ur making me feel guilty :(' YOU SHOULD BE!!!!#it just baffles me that she HAD so so so many opportunities to get her shit together and she just never ever took them#how is she not embarrassed#and shes constantly calling me lazy...mf i am a full time college student and work 30+ hours a week to pay YOUR BILLS#i dont even know what to do bc we have an actively bad relationship but i dont wanna throw her out
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googling how to not give up on the story that's lived in my head for nearly a decade
#sooo embarrassing actually but i literally cried myself to sleep like. a month ago? bc i could no longer see the POINT#because what IS the point#i want to believe that one day i'll manage to write any of these books but there is an overwhelming part of me that knows it wont happen#and that part of me gets louder and louder every day#i can daydream and brainstorm and talk about it as much as i want but it's never going to make it out of my head#because there's something Wrong With Me#i have an endless well of ideas and then my hands and my mouth and my brain get in the way and they never go anywhere#and i had so much hope for this. i've put so many years into it and it still feels like i have NOTHING to show for it#but the worst part is i can't just take a break from it. i can't put it on a shelf or throw it away because then it will haunt me#i will spend every day of my fucking life thinking about these characters and this world because i've poured so much of myself into it#it's like being trapped in fucking purgatory#i feel cursed. i feel genuinely fucking cursed. my brain never stops but my hands have never been able to keep up#anyway. sky whales migrate now.
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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I dreamt that the Swedish police had a piss k!nk, probably not far from the truth...
#i cant go to usa for 6 years because the police(my neighbor had a gun and ammo in their flat but i was wrongfully raided)#they found nothing in my pockets#they forced me to sit face down in hallway hands on floor#found nothing in my flat#i was compliant#they got embarrassed when they called me the wrong name so they took me in for questioning for no reason#my piss had 5 diffrent substances in it#both a man and a woman cop watched me pee in a cip#wtf?#they put a major serious drug charge on me for just having it in my system making me have a real hard time getting a job#cant travel outside of europe withput visa where i explain i was under influence but police put the same crime on me as a distributor!#so will visa ppl from ourside europe will see it as more serious than it ever was :(#and i had been seeking help for my addiction for years without success in this shit county#glad im moving closer to Copenhagen and away from shit small land country
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i think i’m autistic… it has sent me into a major depressive episode not because I’m sad i might be, but because i’m sad that no one including myself realized… literally 100% of my being feels so validated when i realized it could be. i never even considered i could be autistic until i discovered what “masking” was. I’ve realized, everything I do is a mask, and the reason it’s difficult for me to live and coexist with my partners sometimes, even though i love them and wouldn’t want to be away from them, is because i’m masking 100% of the time trying not to seem cold or rude or unaffectionate bc i’m hyperaware of how i can come off…..
#all the sensory issues… the obsession with pink…. the obsession with routines…… the obsession with music and singing#all the little quirks i’ve been embarrassed about …#the reasons i can’t keep jobs…..#the reason why i was my happiest and most functional when i lived BY MYSELF and literally just painted or played piano for hours#like my bedrooms have always looked like sensory rooms.#i hate bright lights but i literally have like 10 different lamps in my room rn#the reason I hate going out and why i hate parties etc#the reason I can’t lie#the reason i wasn’t able to continue my education#like…. i’m understanding everything now#even the possibility of my mother also being autistic when i’ve always thought she was cold and obsessive and mentally ill#i see it in her too now#she’s put me through so much… and even if she is… the fact that she was abusive still stands… but i think finding out and getting assessed#i think it would help me forgive her… because i was such a. difficult child to raise.#i literally went missing and ran away so many times how did no one pick up on the fact that i might be austic#like these all seem like minimal reasons… but when i tell you that at my core i’ve always felt like an alien#i had a video come up on my feed a few months back about how it kind of shows up differently in women bc we have the ability to mask#and i was like hm that’s interesting but scrolled past#and the more i looked up things like ‘why do i do this’ autism would always come up somehow#and i feel like i’ve been really in denial#but because it resonated… i kept reading about it#i kept learning and researching because everything i found was pointing to the fact that it could be autism#and i am not anti self diagnosing at all. but i didn’t want to be the type of people that take something so general and broad that just#just because i related to (one) thing i was automatically autistic#so i kept learning and researching in hopes of find either something else that could be affecting my mental health#in hopes of kind of proving myself wrong and i was being paranoid#but the more i find the more it explains everything. literally everything. and i’m sad. i’m sad that i’ve hated myself so so so so much…#i think there’s a new sense of self understanding…. and a lot of self guilt being let go…#brain vomit
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YOU WANT A BETTER STORY. WHO WOULDN'T?
jaylen brown, game 1 vs nets | tumblr post by kaitrokowski | jayson tatum, game 1 vs nets | marcus smart and jayson tatum, game 7 vs heat | landscape with a blur of conquerors by richard siken | jayson tatum, game 6 vs warriors | fourteen lines from love letters or suicide notes by doc luben | a softer world by e home and j comeau | litany in which certain words are crossed out by richard siken
#I may be showing some symptoms of mental illness tonight#I am going to be normal abt it I swear I just need the season to START ALREADY#pls........#I've put so much thought and effort into making this lmao it's embarrassing#anyway I took that one siken quote abt making something beautiful and ran away with it#the entire team went thru a journey of growth and self discovery TOGETHER and ot was so beautiful you know!!!!! and it still. wasn't enough#and I am okay with that most days because it is what it is#you know. you know#it's FINE. I still love them and I'm grateful for the season because I had so much fun!!!! it's just bittersweet#that's all#lol go celtics#boston celtics#*#tw blood#I guess. because of jaylen's nose
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Asia Kate Dillon as Lucifer again in Opus For All, Opus 4, Our Better Angels
#call this Confusing Compromise for all...focusing on shots of akd & adding text. these are sequential but not continuous moments lol#i.e. hope it's disjointed enough / it is clear there's other shots & more dialogue b/w these#might be possible to fit this whole video into one gifset lol. make them smaller; longer; combine some side by side into one...#just wanna give a lil taste of that dialogue / enhance visuals with Some context. evocative enough i hope#asia kate dillon#lucifer our better angels#could've put a caption like [resolving heavenly chord] lol if i knew what chord it is exactly...not nearly knowledgable enough to guess#the [ending on that chord and cutting away just as lucifer looks like they're about to cry]....chefs? kiss#there's just so much to dig into here and then start speculating about in your own continued story for it lol so fun truly#like i said: boy i love when the devil is a dynamic character atheistic satanism style i.e. exploring the / A human experience through them#and like i said b/w the mysteries lucifer and this lucifer we can have it all / cover so much ground w/akd lucifers....#the other night i think i had a dream that it was just a fun fact they'd also been lucifer some third time lmao...i wish#speaking of wishing one of these gifs is 9.9 mb and i'm just making it tumblr's problem. so i hope it actually works#sooo embarrassing if it's frozen on the first frame and i gotta fix it lol. don't look at me...but tell me fr if i don't notice#potentially tricky b/c it's like ''is it just my slowass connection On My End or is the gif broken'' like added layer of mystery#when sometimes even if you have a fine connection you gotta ask the audience like how's it look on your end...#jlsdf JUST noticed they're sitting by that tag ft. 666#the new satanic symbol? backwards Cool S. more on that in the next post#yeah someone might get stuck trying to decipher this as though it's walking us continuously through a scene lol but alas. c'est la vie
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well dennis losing the titty poll made me watch all the way up to mac and dennis move to the suburbs, i didn't mean to binge that much at once but honestly kinda hate most of 11 anyway so i had to keep going,,,
#i. see the serial killer shit starting up with a vengeance now#its kinda.... yknow. like before it was kinda funny and could be chalked uo to him being a freak but now its so unsubtle#but. yeah anyway im not TOO far away from being caught up now#was waiting for my family to watch it w me but ive given up i wanna participate in the fandom goddamn it#ada speaks#should prob have put this on my sideblog but whatever#and i have now. officially seen the whole uh. plot from dee makes a smut film. i knew the basics but seeing it kind of killed me.#not sure how i feel abt it#the tone of the entire episode was extremely weird#like they couldnt fully commit to taking it seriously but that half was still serious abt it (which i appreciate. but idk)#dennis' characterization seems all over the place in the latter half of 10 and the first few eps of 11#and the family fight ep was fine but gave me HORRIBLE secondhand embarrassment i had to watch through my hands gddnsbfn#still think the gang misses the boat is like. peak.#the first half of s10 was so fucking good i think i kind of just watched a bad batch of eps in a row tonight but eh#finale ep was pretty good#ok listen. its the skiing ep. is it just me or is it like. the worst fucking episode#like i half expected it to be some sort of fantasy scenario one of the gang was dreaming up
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what really sucks about traveling alone is that there's no one to take cute pictures of you :(
#and no one to put sunscreen on your back 🙃#i'm at this castle rn and these 2 girlies are doing a whole photoshoot the pictures will turn out sooo pretty!!!#i've been wearing all these cute outfits and i have no good pictures of them 😞#i hate taking selfies and i'm too shy to ask a stranger to take my picture shshsjjs#well it's my last day anyways i literally have no good pictures of my trip </3#also the festival i went to yesterday turned into such a disaster i had to be carried away to the doctor it was so embarrassing 😭😭😭#festivals are definitely not for me it was way too crowded there was no space to move i was barely getting any air i was drenched in sweat#the worst was my stomach ache tho i ended up missing most of the concert... i literally have the worst luck all the time 😔#and mind you i experienced all of this by myself.. that's on having no friends </3#i thought this trip would be a great experience for me but tbh i just want to d word :)#☁️
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:s
#things are so bleak#I don't want to get reinfected and it's literally shaving my entire life away bc I can't deal w risks and no one is careful anymore#and it will never get better :/ this has been very very destructive to who I am lol#I had an awful reaction the first time too it was scary#I was always a health concerned person like I studied health n disease and immunology so this was the perfect neuroticism to exploit#and research shows how bad reinfection is just perpetual systemic inflammation and longterm immunocompromisation getting stacked each time#please let me be a weirdo and make emotionally bare posts I'm embarrassing but I don't have anywhere to put the thoughts and I've kept them#for 3 yrs :/ :( and I am sad and exhausted and alone#it's disillusioning. i wish people just cared more
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