ive been meaning to post for a while, but time keeps alluding me. lots of things do these days

im not quite sure how prayer works, if im being honest. never have. to be fair, id have to say i really dont understand how religion works either. i used to pray as a child for snow days until my mother caught me and scolded me. i think she thought i was wasting his time. that he has better things to do than grant stupid insignificant wishes of a little girl

i wonder what my mother would think—what the church goers would think—if they knew how i used to pray for god to kill me; to take me in my sleep. how i was too much of a coward to do it myself. how i sobbed myself to sleep and begged.

i called my mother over a month ago to—as one does—complain about life. how i told her that life seemingly hadnt gotten better since 2019. how it had all been going downhill since then and when was it going to get good again. she told me that was how the world worked. that this is how life was. to which i said, “then i dont want to live.”

and she scoffed. she told me to stop being dramatic. i have no doubt that she remembers the night i screamed at her and my dad how much i wanted to die. or the night when i walked into the bathroom after taking half a bottle of benadryl and whispering to her how i had a secret but she couldn’t be mad. how she waited in the drs office next to me for hours while i was shaking and crying. she couldn’t forget it. she probably just wishes she could.

besides she has other stuff to deal with: shitty people from my hometown, her bosses, my father. i can’t tell if on the surface i blame my parents for everything while deep down i know they tried their best or vice versa. i dont know if i truly believe the latter is true or not.

i believe i wrote a bit ago about how my mother had mentioned so nonchalantly that my grandpa has prostate cancer. i had been on the phone with her again the other day when she was about to hang up and said, “oh by the way your grandma has breast cancer”

“oh by the way your aunt and uncle might get divorced”

“oh by the way i caught your father (finally) smoking weed”

“oh by the way your father is going back to inpatient”

“oh by the way our daughter fucking died.”

see mother. i know what dramatic is; i can do dramatic.

the moral of the story is not that im going to do something stupid tonight. or in the near future most likely, so don’t you worry yourselves silly, pornbots. its that here i am again, almost two months later, and i can fucking hear it. its so clear. the sobs. and the screaming. the water, oh god.

i drove myself home today and i probably shouldnt have because i couldnt see and i couldnt really think. and a good majority of the ride home all i could think about is how it would feel to have my head bashed in. what it would look like. i thought about tetris for a bit, but i dont like the game at all.

i have a fever and i cannot blame my body. i, too, am working overtime just desperately trying to make ends meet, in more way than one. i wish my Mom was here. not gretchen, but Mom. someone to wrap me in a blanket and hold me and stroke my hair and put on a stupid cold war documentary and buy me pasta and shush me until i stop crying and reassure me every once in a while that she loves me so much. she wouldnt leave me the night after i tried to kill myself, wouldnt ask me to pull it together with red bloody arms.

im so tired playing both roles.

hm. hmm

March 21 cont

My mom is celebrating my little sister so much, no one was invested like this when I applied for university or offered me help. My dad told me to sign up for grant notifications and that was that.

Mom thought my aunt helped me with scholarships, but it was just undergrad rewards for the uni I got into.

I only applied for one university! No one thought to ask me about it or tell me to apply to more. Or even ask if I had.

I told my parents when the tours and open nights were and when I needed a ride. They had lots on their plate but they should have asked.

My mom should have told me to apply for scholarships.

My mom should have been there when I got my acceptance letter instead of calling her over the phone. I should have been happy, not just “I got in,-great” I deserved to be celebrated.

Dad should have helped me clean for after grad instead of getting mad that my vaccuming wasn’t good enough.

I should have gotten to dance with my dad at the father daughter dance at grad.

K should have graduated with me. She should have let me have my moment. She should have been more involved. She should have sat back.

Everything hurts

Mom shouldnt have been mad I wanted my aunt to come dress shopping instead of saying well I guess you don’t want me there, I won’t go.

My parents haven’t said hey Zoee is stressed lets do this for her. I’ve had to ask and then it was a big deal. I always wrote my tests late at night because I felt more prepared and they got mad at me for asking them to be quiet and watch the dog. As if I wasn’t struggling or stressed about writing a test their comfort for two hours was more important.

I am never heard or a priority.

I handle my problems well and by myself. But for once I would like to be the one they focus on. I understand the chronically ill one will get more attention and the younger sister with mental health issues. But what about me?

No one noticed I hated every aspect of my life in grade 12 no one noticed I hated being at home and at school yet school was my escape. No one noticed that I wanted everything to pause to stop so I could feel or stop feeling for once. I wanted to sleep forever and lay in bed doing nothing at all. It was never addressed.

nove nove ok so i was looking back a bit and scythe curie mentions Thunderhead????? isnt that a book title in the series???? or something like that/????

anyways ive stopped at chapter 17 but heres all the stuff ive complied:

quotes:!!!!:

“Even when you’re food shopping, death is hiding right behind the milk.” -- god citra thats so deep???? what

“It never hides,” the scythe told them with a world-weariness that was hard to describe. “Nor does it sleep. You’ll learn that soon enough.” -- skjssjks GOD i am living for this shit???????? what/???????????

“I am your completion,” the lead scythe said loudly to the dying. “I am the last word of your lives well-lived. Give thanks. And thus farewell.” -- jsdskjdks i was a mess this entire chapter and this line?????? BYE I AM A WRECK :(

It was the first time in her life that she aspired to fail. -- ur HONOUR i am a mes sdksjdksjdksjdksjdksjdks

—but who was she to fight against something that rang so clearly of destiny -- esme……..u know what ok yea ur right

There was a lesson to be learned in every gleaning, and today’s was one she would not soon forget. The sanctity of the law . . . and the wisdom to know when it must be broken. -- ksjdksjdksjdksj NO WORDS I AM CRYING SIMPLY

“Perhaps everything will change again.” -- what the fuckity fucking fuck

one minute i am eyeing goddards entry in this book very :/ what are u doing-dly is he ok -- After all, this is a perfect world—and in a perfect world, don’t we all have the right to love what we do? —From the gleaning journal of H.S. Goddard

and notes:

- scythes are so ominous the FUCK - sksjdks i understand why both rowan and citra dont want to be scythes so……go Them

- rowan :( i am love him ur honour :(

- but also rowans parents what the fuck ur son literally said hes going to be a SCYTHES apprentice do u have no mind?????? what???????? 😐😐😐😐😐

- after faraday said No to romantic relationships between them or whatever citra?????? miss girl why do u want rowan to be disappointed????? why are u mad at rowans grin???? huh???????? nskjdksjdkskd this is hilarious

- not the grandmas husband being a bot😭😭😭😭

- me: says citra and rowan are pretty similar

also me: yelling casually seeing how staple and reasonable rowan is and how extrangavent and dramatic citra is 😌

- ur honour this unsavoury kid is not very smart is he dear fuck

- that TEST faraday made for them i am CRYING i love rowan and citra so so so much

- i shouldnt be crying at this gleaning but Emotions :(((

- citra seeing rowan as not very emotional??????? girl if only you knew :(

- rowan :( i am loving him and his humour :( jsdjksdjksjdks he :( /all pos connotations

- seeing how the gleaning-choosing-process works is so sos so fucking cool

- this scne e>>>>

nove nove ok so i was looking back a bit and scythe curie mentions Thunderhead????? isnt that a book title in the series???? or something like that/????

anyways ive stopped at chapter 17 but heres all the stuff ive complied:

quotes:!!!!:

“Even when you’re food shopping, death is hiding right behind the milk.” -- god citra thats so deep???? what

“It never hides,” the scythe told them with a world-weariness that was hard to describe. “Nor does it sleep. You’ll learn that soon enough.” -- skjssjks GOD i am living for this shit???????? what/???????????

“I am your completion,” the lead scythe said loudly to the dying. “I am the last word of your lives well-lived. Give thanks. And thus farewell.” -- jsdskjdks i was a mess this entire chapter and this line?????? BYE I AM A WRECK :(

It was the first time in her life that she aspired to fail. -- ur HONOUR i am a mes sdksjdksjdksjdksjdksjdks

—but who was she to fight against something that rang so clearly of destiny -- esme……..u know what ok yea ur right

There was a lesson to be learned in every gleaning, and today’s was one she would not soon forget. The sanctity of the law . . . and the wisdom to know when it must be broken. -- ksjdksjdksjdksj NO WORDS I AM CRYING SIMPLY

“Perhaps everything will change again.” -- what the fuckity fucking fuck

one minute i am eyeing goddards entry in this book very :/ what are u doing-dly is he ok -- After all, this is a perfect world—and in a perfect world, don’t we all have the right to love what we do? —From the gleaning journal of H.S. Goddard

and notes:

- scythes are so ominous the FUCK - sksjdks i understand why both rowan and citra dont want to be scythes so……go Them

- rowan :( i am love him ur honour :(

- but also rowans parents what the fuck ur son literally said hes going to be a SCYTHES apprentice do u have no mind?????? what???????? 😐😐😐😐😐

- after faraday said No to romantic relationships between them or whatever citra?????? miss girl why do u want rowan to be disappointed????? why are u mad at rowans grin???? huh???????? nskjdksjdkskd this is hilarious

- not the grandmas husband being a bot😭😭😭😭

- me: says citra and rowan are pretty similar

also me: yelling casually seeing how staple and reasonable rowan is and how extrangavent and dramatic citra is 😌

- ur honour this unsavoury kid is not very smart is he dear fuck

- that TEST faraday made for them i am CRYING i love rowan and citra so so so much

- i shouldnt be crying at this gleaning but Emotions :(((

- citra seeing rowan as not very emotional??????? girl if only you knew :(

- rowan :( i am loving him and his humour :( jsdjksdjksjdks he :( /all pos connotations

- seeing how the gleaning-choosing-process works is so sos so fucking cool

- this scne e>>>>

- scythe….goddard….i am wathcing him 🤨🤨🤨

- CURIE!!! SCYTHE CURIE!!!!!!!!!

- im scared whos gonna be the scythe…..thinking its citra skdksdksk

- rowan is an idiot but also i am love him :)

- NO WHAT THE FUCK

- THE FUCK FUCK FUCK????????????????????????? NO NO WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK

- whats the sychtes name???? rand??????? somehting??? KSJS I HATE THEM :(

- but also!! whichever wins….can grant the loser immunity instead……..or soemhig…….idk if one of them dies i will scream >:(

- /….they just…..kis…...u know what ok ill shut up before i yell too loud

- ...oh rand is goddards junior asscousaite??? making sense!!!!!! but thanks i still hate it

- what?????????? faraday did not gleam himself thats impossisble?????????/ but aslo u know in scythe curie’s entry????? theres:

is That foreshadowing…..cause then faraday should not be dead

anyways im going to take a break (or just read without documenting bcs im kind of tired of this but!!!! nove i hope you have a good day and i love you a lot 💗💘💝💕💓💞🥺!!!)

THE WAY I COMPLETELY FORGOT YOU SENT THESE REACTIONS ??? i promise i enjoyed them. so much. i just somehow forgot to answer ???

YEAH THE MILK QUOTE WAS JUST SO *INCOHERENT SCREAMING* scythe has so many amazing quotes actually

your reactions are so funny in hindsight knowing you’ve now read the rest and know exactly hwat happens LGSHHDFAKLSJ

yeah rowans parents are kinda 😀

HELP HIS GRANDMA BEING A BOT WAS. SO SO FUNNY

its about the way they contrast each other 

HELP ARE CITRA AND ROWAN FOILS. I THINK THEYRE FOILS OH MY GOD

so... so many emotions :(((

YEAH ALL THEIR DIFFERENT GLEANING METHODS....

SCYTHE CURIE MY BELOVED !!!!

im screaming with you bestie

“- but also!! whichever wins….can grant the loser immunity instead……..or soemhig…….idk if one of them dies i will scream >:(“ the way you predicted the ending im sobbing

the f o r e s h a d o w i n g 

aaaa okay !! ily more kiri 🥺 /p 

fat. FAT. P H A T RANT INCOMING FOR ANYONE WHO CARES TO READ THIS NONSENSE CUZ @haldidoodh ASKED

That episode literally blasted the last of my serotonin into smithereens but TBH??? WHO AM I MAD AT I should have seen this coming this whole volume has been such a headache. I cant be bothered to type up a coherent rwde essay on everything that bothered me this episode so im just gonna copy and paste my earlier yelling here instead ;A;

Team Rwby was god awful in episodes 11-12. They’re so self-righteous, entitled, hypocritical and cocky as a team and it doesnt help that they all suck as individual characters nowadays (except for weiss but even she lost best-girl points this episode also lmao blake and yang aren’t even INDIVIDUALS anymore they’re just bumbleby). It was annoying at first but now its just infuriating how rwby thinks theyre always right with their uwu energy and think they can do whatever tf they want with ZERO CONSEQUENCES.

Basically any time there is a problem in this show they have Ruby uwu at it and its solved lol.

They kept giving ironwood shit for taking on this incredible burden SO THAT NOBODY ELSE WOULD HAVE TO and rather than offer any real solution they just kept going “but mantle” like okay?? But remnant??? Like obvi letting mantle rot is bad but HE WAS OPEN TO ANY HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS CUZ HES OBVI AT HIS WITTS END AND DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA EITHER but yeah they just proceed to be the fattest hypocrites by hiding secrets of their own after being all “no more secrets uwu” and WHEN THEY GOT EXPOSED THEY JUST WENT “>:[“ (yangs self-righteous little glare here pissed me off so much oof) especially when ironwood was laying everything out in the open to them from the start. AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE SECRET WAS FKIN “OH YEAH SALEM CANT DIE LOL” They watched ironwood make every decision he did in hopes of beating Salem while KNOWING she couldnt die??? So literallY WHERE do they get off on screeching at him with their yOu doNt hAvE to Suffer In ManTle YOu doNt kNow whAt iTs liKe bs. Wtf made ruby distrust iw at the start anyway? Because he had a bunch of ships out? They kept this CRUCIAL piece of information from him because he seemed stressed out?? Like what made ruby keep the secret from him. Someone tell me.

And the fact that rwby beat the ace-ops makes no goddamned sense. The power-scaling in this show is non-existant. We finally got to meet some pro huntsmen in this universe who aren’t teachers but are actually on the job, but because we gotta move out of the way for that 👌🏽✨ Power Of Friendship✨ and ✨rwby is always right✨ they somehow managed to beat experienced huntsmen with YEARS in the field who’ve actually graduated school??? FARM BOI OSCAR WHOS *JUST* LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT MANAGED TO LAND A PUNCH ON NEO FKIN POLITAN??? Didnt neo dance circles around yang??? Yang, who punches for a living and also beat mercury and adam??? I cant yall (and the fact that he didnt even bother to sneak up on her this boi literally screamed “no!!” as he ran down a hallway and neo didnt even have time to blink??? Pls)

Ruby’s “you were the best, until you trained us :3” -for maybe 2 days before my team went dancing ruby sis shut right tf up pls my god is this line just so. UNEARNED. Training in a room for a short while does not simply grant you the years of field experience the ace ops have and whAT IS UP WITH HER TRYING TO REASON WITH HARIETT AFTER SAYING THAT COCKY LINE AND FIGHTING HER??? WHAT and also like. The entire idea of “the ops lost cuz they weren’t good friends and were bad at teamwork uwu” is just so dumb. Ur telling me this group of high ranking hunstmen who’ve most likely been working together for at least a few years didnt have teamwork down??? Learning to work together is the most BASIC concept for a team to learn!! Its like the first thing a team has to perfect!! If the ace ops are supposed to be the best of atlas you dont think the ops would have gotten something as fundemental as teamwork down?? I dont buy it. And who gives a shit if they dont hang out after work or take selfies with eachother. Being friends doesnt necessarily mean theyre great at working together. If they succeed at relying on eachother to watch their backs, to keep each other alive (in the words of hariett herself) then Id think theyd know how to protect eachother i.e WORK TOGETHER.

And for all the ✨friendship✨ and ✨going through so much with someone✨ talk rwby like to do, the show barely displays these people acting like friends. We’re constantly TOLD how great of friends this group is, but the actual CONTENT we are shown leaves a lot to be desired. Tell me the last time ruby and blake teamed up in a fight. Or weiss and blake. Or yang and weiss. What teamwork?? Yang only interacts with blake now and weiss is only ever allowed to interact with ruby. Has blake ever said nora or ren’s name out loud? Have jaune and yang ever held a conversation between just them? Team rwby just spent a GOOD DEAL of time seperated from eachother, but when they reunite their teamwork is still somehow better than the ace ops?? Honestly its easier to believe that ruby is closer with team jnpr than she is her own team. If they showed the ops messing up during rwby vs ace ops fight due to lack of communication, then it still doesnt matter. My point is that they shouldnt have lacked teamwork in the first place.

Robyn was m e h this episode “JaMes ConTinUes to UnDeresTimAte Me” *proceeds to get knocked over in .3 seconds and is then KO for the rest of the episode* also great job for starting a fight and aiming to take clovers life in a moving airship with a terrorist on board when clover was acting PEACEFULLY and qrow was WILLING TO TALK IT OUT WITH IW and potentially work on a solution, but naw robyn is big mad and shall shoot.

Qrow made zero sense this episode too. I was with him right up until he chose TYRIAN OVER CLOVER??? THE PSYCOPATH WHO CANNOT BE REASONED WITH OVER THE RATIONAL DUDE YOU KNOW IS GOOD except clover wasnt acting rational in this fight at all and ill get to that AND IS THE ONLY FRIEND YOU HAVE WHOS NOT 19????? Qrow rly looked at tyrian- a man who is literally an enemy to all of remnant and went after ur neice- and said lets get rid of this punk together u and me bro. Like screw teaming with clover to bring down the dude you ACTUALLY have a grudge with whos also a serial killer and then trying to talk it out with clover whod be willing to do things peacefully why is this show like this

and AS FOR CLOVER. where were the braincells this episode. Qrow was trying to fight tyrian-the WAY bigger threat here, but clover??? kept knocking him away from tyrian and restraining him with his hook like??? YEAH LETS HELP OUT THE DEMON SCORPION CRACKHEAD HES CLEARLY NOT THE PRIORITY ATM nvm clover deserved to die there m8

His death scene was emotional and I feel bad for Qrow but u literally sealed his death when u ganged on him with tyrian so why are you even surprised. And on the subject of fairgame, im glad it didnt happen. Qrow was in no state for romance and I was glad he finally had a friend. He just spent the last volume thinking he wasted his life away helping oz, drowning in misery, drinking til he passed out on the street and so drunk he couldnt even be of any help during the apathy situation, when up til now hes been shown to fight just fine while drunk. I don’t see this as a “bury your gays trope” because clover was never confirmed to be gay and all their scenes added up to 40 seconds of platonic friendship. These two are grown ass men, if they had the hots for eachother then im pretty sure they could openly show it and not dance around it like theyre kids. I do feel bad for mlm viewers who were hoping for some rep with fairgame/lucky charms (cuz rt only cares if ur a cute marketable lesbian) but idc for the overly entitled fans who try to force their own headcanons on the writers and go feral when they dont get what they want. You dont just get to prance around claiming whats canon and what isnt. If rep is there then great, but if it isnt, then why not look somehwere else and let the author tell the story theyre trying to tell? Shipping fairgame cuz you think its cute is absolutely fine but not when u start getting ready to casterate crwby for not catering to you. Also, rwby sucks with lgbt+ rep anyway so what were yall expecting.

The only thing that was great this episode was the chorerography. It just sucks that the animation/choreo continues to improve while the writing doesnt. Another thing that really fell off this episode was the whole “we’re friends but we have to fight” drama. It doesnt work when its only ONE SIDE SHOWING ANY DISTRESS OVER IT. Only the ace ops (marrow, clover, the vine dude) seemed to show distress over having to fight rwby (it sucks that the only 1v1 weiss has won was because marrow was going EASY on her cuz he didnt wanna fight her fr) but rwby???? They didnt give any shits. They were so quick to turn against them and aim for their heads. They were SMILING as they ran at the ace ops, while they looked conflicted. If you oppose their UwU philosophy, you’re dead to them.

I really wanna enjoy RWBY but sometimes this show (and the fndm) really tests me. Its ironic how this episode came right after last episode, which I thought was the best chapter this volume. Anyway I rate this 10/10 cuz it gave me best character ironwood and best boi marrow and I would like to give them hugs for carrying this volume on their backs. (Also tyrian and penny and winter have been great too)

Merry Christmas, @bzzfdnslvd!

Happy holidays @bzzfdnslvd! I hope you have a truly magical holiday filled with love and laughs! And I really hope you enjoy this fic! This ended up being a lot fluffier than I was planning for.

Read on AO3

*****

possibilites

"What are you doing here Stiles?"

Stiles looked around the loft and sighed, "Listen, I know you're mad at Scott still for what he did, which you have every right to be, I'm not saying you shouldnt be. But. Uh he has no idea what he's doing and could really use some help and guidance"

"I tried to help him."

Stiles rolls his eyes, "Okay well your idea of helping didnt work."

Derek glares at him, "And what would you know?"

"I just think, to help him you should get to know him first. Make it a pack bonding thing! Or whatever. Bring Isaac, Erica, Boyd and Jackson into it."

Derek turns away a looks to the windows, Stiles walks over to him.

"Okay so maybe that's a bad idea but whatever. You're the alpha, you have to figure out someway for this to work"

Derek looks at him from the corner of his eye and sighs, "It's a good idea I'll grant you that."

"But?"

Derek folds his arm and turns to lean his hip against the table, "But Erica and Boyd left."

Stiles gapes at him, "Uh I thought they came back after Chris helped them escape?"

Derek leans into Stiles personal space, "Escape what?"

Stiles flinches backwards fingers twisting together, and Derek can smell as his anxiety spikes. He reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, but let's it fall short.

"Oh uh. Okay. So. Thing is. When you were all dealing with Jackson and him dying or whatever uh Gerard kidnapped me and Erica and Boyd. He took me as a message to Scott and he was trying to get secrets from the other two about you. He had them chained up and had electricity running through them. Um. Chris came down after Gerard had left and let us all go. I thought they came to find you"

This time as Stiles breathing becomes faster and his eyes unfocus, Derek reaches out. He grabs Stiles shoulder and pulls him in to a rough hug. Cora used to have panic attacks when she was younger and the whole family learnt to help with them, close contact was always good for her and he hopes it helps Stiles. Stiles leans into the touch and places a hand on Derek's chest to feel him breathe. They stay like that for a few minutes as Stiles regulates his breathing. Stiles pulls back and wipes at his eyes.

"So if they didnt come to find you, where did they go?" He asks.

"I'm not sure but since I know their last location I should be able to track them".

Stiles nods, and turns to leave. Derek watches him as he walks to the door, and pauses turning back.

"Would you like some help? I know I'm not a wolf and a wolf would be better but I'm the Sheriff's son, I know this town almost as well as he does."

Derek nods, "Yeah I'll pick you up tomorrow."

Stiles nods and then leaves. Leaving Derek to contemplate the past few minutes and everything that happened. Him and Stiles have never exactly gotten along, they had worked together before but this time seemed different and Derek couldnt figure out how.

☆☆☆

The two of them spend the next week tracking Erica and Boyd's scent. It didn't seem to be leading them anywhere. The betas would've been injured but starting to heal. And Stiles can't figure out the trail they're taking. On the third day Derek brings along a map, that he puts Stiles in charge of. At the end of the week they had followed the beats track, and Stiles realised they were headed towards the Hale house. When Stiles told Derek he nodded like it made sense.

"How does even make sense?"

Derek sighs, "They'll be searching for me. And my scent. My scent is deep in that house, so it would make sense for them to go there."

Stiles nods, "Right I didn't think of it like that."

"Most humans wouldn't. Your sense of smell is dull compared to ours, and you don't know what it feels like to be drawn towards your alpha."

"Right, so you grew up with that? Feeling drawn to your mother?"

Derek nods, "Yeah it was like some invisible force pulling you towards them. You want to do what they say, it can be weird when you don't grow up with it. But for us it was normal"

Stiles nods and together they make their way back towards his jeep. Over the past week he can feel Derek letting his guard down, talking more and giving out details of his life and werewolves willingly. It had been nice, and Stiles hopes it doesn't end. He likes this little friendship they've got, he just hopes Derek can't tell how interested he is in him. And if he does, well Stiles just hopes he doesn't bring it up.

They drive towards the old Hale house. First in silence, but soon Stiles is tapping against the steering wheel, and he's sure Derek can smell the anxiety coming off him.

Derek reaches over and turns the radio on, bring the volume down to a low murmur, he places his hand on the back on Stiles neck, thumb lightly brushing up and down. Stiles tenses slightly but as Derek continues he slowly becomes less anxious.

Derek points out the turn to the Hale house after Stiles almost missed it, and they both wait as Stiles drives, for the moment when they find Erica and Boyd. Derek is leaning forward, eyes focused, head slightly tilted to listen and Stiles is not at all thinking about dogs.

Stiles parks back from the house, Derek gets out first and starts for the house. Stiles gets out and waits, if there are two wolves in there he's not sure it's the right place for him. As he waits he looks around. Noticing an old flower bed and and what looks to be an herb garden. And old rusted swing set towards the back. And tyre swing hanging from a tree near the front of the house. He thinks about the lives the Hales lived here and feels sad that it ended so abruptly.

Loud growling can be heard coming from the house and then a high pitched whining. Stiles focuses all his attention on the house, taking a few steps forward when no other noise is made. He walks forward and slowly walks in.

"Derek?"

"This way Stiles," Derek calls back

Stiles follows Derek's voice to the back of the house. He looks into the room to see Derek, Boyd and Erica cuddled on the ground. He wishes he could take a photo of this moment.

Erica looks up eyes flashing, "Stiles you found us."

Stiles smiles, "Yeah I didn't know you were lost."

"Thank you," Boyd nods.

Stiles nods back and catches Derek's eyes, they both smile at each other.

"Can you help me take these two back to mine?"

Stiles scoffs, "Of course, c'mon you lot."

☆☆☆

Three days later, Derek sends Stiles a text asking him to come over. Stiles texts back and tells him he'll be there within the hour. He heads down stairs to where he can hear his Dad in the kitchen.

"Hey kid, where are you off to today?"

And Stiles decides to be honest, he doesn't want to lie to his dad anymore. "I'm going to Derek's."

John puts his cup down on the table, "And why would you be doing that?"

"Listen Dad, there's a lot I have to tell you, about this past year specifically, and it's going to be rough and you're not going to believe me. So I'm going to go to Derek's for a bit and when I come back I want to bring him with me so we can tell you everything."

"Seems reasonable. You know you can tell me you're bisexual though right?"

Stiles sputters, "What?"

John scoffs, "Oh kid please, your mother and I knew for years."

"Well that saves a lot but can we have this conversation later? I've got to go and I want to save myself some embarrassment."

"Wait aren't we already having that talk later?"

"No we're having a different talk. Oh my god what is my life anymore." Stiles mutters as he walks out of the house without waiting for a response from his Dad.

Stiles leaves the house and tries not to think of his father and their conversation. He drives to Derek loft, eager to see him after not seeing him for a few days. And it's crazy how used to him Stiles is, how much he genuinely enjoys Derek's company, he likes the guy. Stiles just hopes they can stay friends.

He parks beside Derek's car and walks in. He wonders if anyone else lives here? He's never seen anyone else, but there's always cars outside, and it looks like a decent industrial apartment. He doesn't stop to knock he just walks on in. Derek is on a couch, reading a book, and when did Derek decorate?

"Does anyone else live in this building or is it just you? Also when did you decorate? You have a TV? And a couch? Dude who are you?"

Derek chuckles, "Hello Stiles nice to see you too. I'm good thanks for asking. Yes there are other people who live here, just down on the lower floors. And Erica made me decorate, said she wouldn't live here if it looked like this, and well it's Erica how could I refuse?"

Stiles grins, "What a good alpha."

Derek throws his book at Stiles, intentionally missing him, "Oh ha ha very funny."

Stiles grabs the book from the floor and places it on the table as he sits on the couch. He takes a deep breath, "I need your help telling my Dad everything"

Stiles looks up to see Derek looking at him, "Are you sure about this? Once he knows there's no taking it back"

He sighed, "I know but I can't keep lying to him."

Derek nods, "I'll help you"

Stiles sags against the couch, relieved he doesn't have to do it himself.

"I also wanted to talk to you." Derek says, turning in his seat so he's facing Stiles.

Stiles sits up and mirrors him, "Okay?"

"I've thought a lot about what you said when you first came here, and I think you're right. I need to find someway to bond with my pack and for them to bond with each other. What do you think of a movie night? Just to start with?"

Stiles smiles and reaches out to grab Derek's hand, "I think it's a wonderful idea Derek".

Derek nods, turning his hand to hold Stiles hand'. And Stiles tries to ignore the way his heart starts thumping in his chest. Derek has a small smile on his face, looking down. Stiles doesn't dare say anything, he doesn't want this moment to end. Derek brings their hands close to his face and kisses the back of Stiles hand. Stiles stares and wonders where this is leading.

"I want to talk about something else too."

"Yeah?" Stiles whispers.

"Yeah," Derek pauses, "about the possibility of an us."

Stiles stops breathing.

"But if we do, we take it slow, and set boundaries. You're underage, and we're going to tell your Dad and do this right, okay?" Derek looks up at him, face open and hopeful.

"Yes, yeah I'd love that" Stiles grins at Derek and leans forward to kiss his cheek.

Both of them turn towards the stairs when there's a flash to see Erice running back up the stairs, her giggles fading. They both shake their head, neither of them minding, and lean against each other to watch a movie.

Vienna is beautiful, even more Roman than Rome.

Hôm nay ngày 24/12, chị Rainie đã về New York từ sáng. So I'm gonna spend Xmas alone in Vienna.

Hai ngày trước lúc bọn mình ở Hallstatt, Austria, mình có nói với chị Vy về chuyện mình thấy không ok khi mình từng thích chị ấy và giờ chị ấy thích người khác, và rất thản nhiên thể hiện điều đó trước mặt mình. Everything seems ok but it's not, sometimes it ruined my mood and as I'm spending for this trip and Xmas is near, I dont want anything that can possibly ruined my mood. Nên mình đề nghị chị V nếu có call hay gì với người nào c đó thích thì cũng làm ơn đừng call tỉnh bơ trước mặt mình, mình không muốn nghe không muốn biết không muốn thấy. Why are you so lack of common sense ?

Chị Vy cũng nói luôn những gì chị ấy không thích trong trip này, nào là bạn bè em nhiều người Bắc, culture ở Finland quá khác khiến chị mới tới đã muốn book vé về NY ngay, cả chuyện chị gặp người này ngay trước khi chị bay tới Helsinki gặp em và fall for người đó. Dù là em và chị đã talk to each other hơn 3 tháng. Woa, mọi thứ đều xoay quanh chị. Trip đi chung mà chị cứ ko hài lòng này kia là muốn về lol? Nếu vậy thì start trip này làm gì wth

Mình bảo "nhưng chị ko thể ignore the fact là em từng thích chị? Chị không thể thản nhiên có người khác và expect em hoàn toàn ok với chuyện đó được. Mình đi chung trip này với nhau, dù còn mấy ngày đi nữa cũng phải respect nhau. Em ko thoải mái và em ko muốn nghe chị call thì sau này chị gọi ai chị có thể ra ngoài. Simple vậy thôi, chị làm được ko?"

Chị Vy nói nếu không thể rạch ròi giữa chuyện em và chị là bạn hay là thế nào, và chị thì vẫn phải gọi ng ta và nó sẽ ruin mood em dù chị có ra ngoài gọi đi nữa, vậy nên solution là, sau khi rời khỏi Hallstatt chị sẽ mua vé máy bay về New york, còn em cứ ở lại Vienna và đi hết trip này đi, dù gì em cũng spend nhiều cho trip này rồi.

Mình im lặng. Oh woa. Suy nghi dau tien. Wow How rich she is to afford a one way ticket to new york right in Xmas day.

Suy nghĩ thứ 2: Wow how heartless she is , for real. She is willing to pay that much to end this trip to get away from me than simply compromise with my code of conduct to "respect me". Wow how fking selfish she is...

Từ một người mà mới 2 tiếng trước còn cùng mình giặt đồ, nấu ăn, ăn chung một bữa đi, đi chung nhiều chuyến tàu, spend hơn 10 ngày cùng nhau, turn to một người có thể immediately put an end on everything in the most heartless way.

Và rồi ngày hôm sau ở Hallstatt mình và chị Vy cũng không đi với nhau. Chị Vy còn ở cùng mình 1 ngày hôm qua nữa ở Vienna, cũng đi riêng. So awkward and stupid. Kiểu ok chị muốn về sớm để respect cảm xúc của em thì 2 ngày sau chị tránh em như tránh tà chi dạ.

Đến buổi sáng cuối cùng mình thức dậy cùng chị Vy ở Vienna, i cant even look at her anymore, I hate her so much. All the thing she does, the way she treated me in the end is so fk unfair. I treated her so kindly, damn, I was stupid I still treated her so well even when she told me the day she first arrived to Helsinki that she met someone else. I thought "well, then we can be friends, I still want you to have a lovely time in europe"

And the moment when I need her to think-about-my-feeling, she got up and left, immediately, turn her back on me, changed the attitude. I was so mad at her , so mad that all I can react is silent. Nothing to be said anymore, I have so much to yell at her like why the fuck can you just leave me alone in Xmas in Vienna. I dont even want to go to Vienna in the first place, it was you who wanted Vienna in this trip lol. Why the fuck can you choose a guy you just met for one day over a person who has been talking to you, comforting you, for like 3 months? I dont need this to be any romantic relationship but I need respect. And your selfishness is so awful it killed everything.

You treat me like shit chị ơi. And when you left, you left a 20€ note with the charger that you borrow from me, with a message on fb like nothing happened. You got on the plane, keep posting story about how much you treasure that guy you like and merry xmas to him.

And I dont know what to feel about everything anymore. Whats the point of being a good person? Of treating others kindly? Of caring about their feelings? Of trying to heal and save someone?

What is the point?

She is the kind of always see mistakes in everything, like if there is sth good she would take it for granted but if sth isn't good , she will point it out right then. Like when we got to Hallstatt where I feel like heaven, so fk beautiful, all she said is "This place would be so fucked up very soon. It's full of Chinese now. Everywhere Chinese go will be ruined." Lol. Like no matter how much i tried to plan this trip, all she sees was how disorganized it is. Lol

Ofcourse I dont like her anymore, I hate her, disdain, disappointed. I wish her a good and healthy life in hell where she belong and I regret for wasting my last 3 months listening to her non stop complaints about everything in her life. I regret falling for her voice and seeing her brokenness and wanted to save her. I shouldnt even try to do that. How could I? SHE IS WHERE SHE DESERVE! She told me she is a drama magnet, now I understand. But chi oi you're not a drama magnet, you are a fk drama machine, you create drama and drive ppl crazy with your highest level of selfishness. And you call it "high standard in life". LOL

I'm so sick of all of that. I'm angry with myself for caring about u and prioritizing you so much than you ever deserve.

You never deserve me.

Please go away.

*blocked*

i have a really good friend & we been friend since like high school and she stick with me through college and really helped me with my hardtimes all throughout college and in the middle of college, she started dating this guy and i think they are like perfect for each other. and i think he's perfect of her and its been good for like 3 years now but she then been talking to be about her issue with him, and how she's not happy. or she want more out of him. and then we got into a fight because i told her she want too much, he's perfect already. and she got mad and now we aren't talking i don't get it we haven't talk for a month now, and she's one of my really close friends so, idk if i should say something or just let it go & find new friend. I guess i can't relate to her situation anymore yea, any advice would be greatly appreciated EmToday at 3:46 PM obviously, being in the relationship is different to seeing 2 people in a relationship interact i dont think youre in the wrong WasserToday at 3:46 PM What exactly did she want more out of him if I may ask? pandaramixToday at 3:46 PM like.. he a nurse, and he works, and she in dental school in another state,so he drive to see her every month, take her out to fancy dinner, and talk to her whenever she needs. he comes over and cook for her mom, and they are well love in the church together he's really kind and dedicate guy, and he thinking about proposing to her some day too and she is really happy, but she said that she losing the excitment. she wanted the "passion" and the "romance" like they had in the beginning. she wanted the honeymoon stage that he and she had at the beginning of the relationship so i call her out for asking too much EmToday at 3:49 PM clearly, she is demanding. obviously, relationships go through different stages and change over time pandaramixToday at 3:49 PM i know.. i call her out and i got mad because she is seems like she taking it for granted and she called me out for not relating to her pain so.. we screwed like we got mad and argue EmToday at 3:51 PM if you want to gain her friendship back it seems like youre gonna have to bite your tongue and apologise pretend that you feel as if youre in the wrong and say that you shouldnt have interfered and you felt bad about it i mean, none of that is true, but i'd say it may get her back? sometimes with people, you have to tell them what they want to hear, even though you dont feel right saying it WasserToday at 3:52 PM That or attempt to talk it out in a ''''mature'''' way EmToday at 3:52 PM yeah, or that ^ if you want, i could even write you a model apology you can copy and paste it, then send it to her pandaramixToday at 3:53 PM well EmToday at 3:53 PM like, make the additional edits you need and stuff pandaramixToday at 3:53 PM we already talked about it, and basically, her plan is to not talk about her boyfriend and her relationship problem with me anymore and if we didn't talk about that, we really didn't talk at all and i did said sorry WasserToday at 3:56 PM So EmToday at 3:56 PM that sucks :/ WasserToday at 3:57 PM That argument happened People angry Sometime later you talked it out Her plan happened And now you haven't spoken to each other in a month? pandaramixToday at 3:57 PM yea EmToday at 3:57 PM are there any chances of you two going to a new years eve party or something, any time soon? pandaramixToday at 3:57 PM nah she kinda didn't want to see me anytime soon WasserToday at 3:57 PM Uhh sorry to break it to ya but it seems like she scrapped you out of her life kinda pandaramixToday at 3:58 PM yea i guess i really didn't want to lose a good friend or at least .. an old friend EmToday at 3:59 PM i can understand. i hate being coldly cut off by friends >< EmToday at 4:00 PM 2 years ago, i was supposed to go to a festival with some friends but then, they just cut me off they didnt reply to my messages, enquiring about it or anything but anyway, back to you pandaramixToday at 4:00 PM i don't know what i should do EmToday at 4:00 PM so, if its been a month thats short enough to do something i think you can still change things WasserToday at 4:01 PM Yea pandaramixToday at 4:02 PM in a way.. i thought about what happen if life went back to the way it has been WasserToday at 4:02 PM why this in game sharing pandaramixToday at 4:02 PM it would be a bit more of her talking about her boyfriend and her  problem (yea.. sorry, its really not in the right catagories) WasserToday at 4:03 PM Rai or Tida make channel calle Trouble Busters ty Not tagging on purpose woohoo pandaramixToday at 4:04 PM i guess in a way, i really didn't want to her about her boyfriend problem anymore. I can't relate anymore. and that might just signified of what our friendship was based on. and it hurts to see a friend go like that hear* EmToday at 4:05 PM sorry for slow reply, my dad started an argument about me on the internet lmao WasserToday at 4:05 PM At midnight EmToday at 4:06 PM jokes on him because when the wifi goes off, my phone data has just started a new cycle yes this is why i sit in my room to go on the laptop this is why i dont sit downstairs unless for work and here was i, thinking i was being more sociable WasserToday at 4:06 PM "Look dad I'm doing important things" EmToday at 4:07 PM my entire course revolves around using a laptop.... WasserToday at 4:07 PM Panda, but do you actually want her back in your life or not? Kinda good in a way that you don't have wifi at night so you can't do allnighters and have to get everything done during the day pandaramixToday at 4:09 PM i don't know yes for old time sake, no for the reason why we fought over WasserToday at 4:11 PM And she has been only talking to you about her bf for the last years/months? Like no other reason to hang with you? pandaramixToday at 4:12 PM i can say maybe 80% of the conversation WasserToday at 4:12 PM Rip Em wifi(edited) pandaramixToday at 4:12 PM lol yea i but i thought when girls are suppose to help their other girlfiends with their trouble with their boyfriends?!?! WasserToday at 4:13 PM Uhh yea? But I mean If she's been almost only been talking about that, then it's more about her than you and you too Bit of a onesided friendship if you ask me pandaramixToday at 4:15 PM i guess i got out easy

MAYBE

I Guess my question is, why not, and when i can still keep on asking then the question is, how do i stop this, how do i stop hurting other, how do i stop from being who i am to be an angle, finally...  i dont know the answere, i guess, because my answere always leads to suicide, i have no one to hold onto, and the only person i talk to is 3 hours away from me, the only person i talk to, doesnt want to talk to me anymore, so therefore, i am alone.  I remember the day i picked her up from the airport, because she asked me to, i couldnt have felt better. nothing ive ever done before felt so right or so good than to hold her tightly in my arms, feel her nervous body shaking as she huged me back, hold me tight, my arms, were filled with what they could ever be filled with that felt right. i noticed her eyes and skin, flawless freckles runing acros her body like little star spark that ment the world to me, she was the reason to breath in deep and depp out, everything that was ever wron was forgoten and everything that was ever right, was noticed. she did that, she did the best she could and it always worked, i dont know how to explain this to anyone, i guess the most understandable thing to say is that it was simply magic. be it dark be it regular, i dont care i just know she was genuinly the best that could have ever happened to me.  I am sure you must be asking yourself who she is, well  ill tell you  because it beginns when i was 2 years old  playing on the ground with a yellow construction truck  is one of my earliest memories, i keep it a secret, because the story is to morbid,  the door bell rang and my babysiter went to open the door, she was ironing clothes on the ironing table that was some what foulty and on my height, i remember that i craweld up to it and wanted to iron my things, i dont remember the rest, perhabs it was too much suffer for my young brain, but what happened was that the iron fell on my fingers to burn them as bad as it could get, the stroy goes like this she called my mom not knowing what to do, i was brought to the nearest hospital, they couldnt do anything, it was clear to them, that it has gone to be an amputation case, as my mom got to know they would amputate the index, middle and ring finger of my right hand, she cried, but not only did she cry, she decided to not let it happen.  my mom remembers the fact that the patient next to me, a girl 6 years old got both her index fingers amputaded, her mom was shaterd into pieces.  My Mom, a thriving woman, that was independent since the begining of time, was to become some one very important in the colombian education system, she went thru all her contacts to find out who was making the desicions in the h ospital, the big Boss  she found her, the same night and went to her to explain her point, the situation and ofcorse, my mom would want the best solution for her last kid of 3.  my operation was planed at 7 in the morning, how ever, no one ever picked me up from my room, the nurse got mad at my mom since she was prepared and ready for the operation, i was writen ill so an amputation was out of question.  as my mother decided to tell the doctor to transplant skin from my uper leg to my little fingers, he did so.  no one ever knew who wrote me as ill or sick before my Operation, the Boss of the hospital, called at 9, after the OP Due.  i was a kid full of energy and good vibe, never would i stop for anyone never would i go down of a tree.  at 5  my family decided to move to germany,  if youre familiar with the colombian curency you would know how poor we were in europe, and how rich we were in colombia...  we were poor,  and i dont remember much, just that i got physicaly abused. a lot  we grew up as imigrants who faced rasicsm and descrimination, it was when i noticed that my skin was diferent to europeans than to colombians, or south americans...  at the age of 12 i got raped by my only best friend, and only friend, my first friend.. while having been bulied in school i found my self into a nerve wrecking despression, i shared my room with my brother back then, it was in the middle of the night and as selfless that i am, i never spoke out to anyone except my therapist, no one ever knew, except those who come later, at 18.  at 14 i got my first mountain bike, the porbably most important day i ever had i started to do trials, pop a wheelie, or a jump, i had skills at 15, and a new bike 16  at 17 i told my best friend about what happened when i was 12  but didnt tell her i had to sleep with the lights on, or that i would constantly have nightmares and go to my mothers bed, sometimes, and still found my self needing hugs.  at 18 i told my then gf about what happened, but i wasnt taken serious, at 19 i found my self going back into a hole of depression, it was the year i met an important person in my life, who didnt only steal my jacked but also riped 50 euros off of me, and shaterd my vacation in colombia. it was fine thought.  at 20 i met the most abusive person that id know, who never layd a hand on me, instead, decided to cut my soul into pieces and throw it away,  my selfless body couldnt escape, and so it decided to faint, i was never taken serious and always for granted, i am. alone.  at the same year i met my best friend who would know more things than any one ever could, perhabs, i was going to therapy and everything seemed to start make sense,  i quited my study to become a physiotherapy, to be who i always wanted to be, an athlete that rides mountain bikes. i broke up with the abusive shit load.  and fell inlove with my best friend... she, who i picked up from the airport.  my story is not thrilling neither happy, it is made of a series of unlucky events and let me tell you, i dont think luck will ever come.  not knowing how to explain my overhtinking date how i could love some one and then fall inlove after, althought i knew both of them at the same time, ment for me that i am loosing the single most important person of my life, especially as she sayd i cant with this.  it was just 4 weeks since i conciderd suicide, and drew a box and an arrow pointing out of it stating “life begins at the edge of my comfort”  well now, i am there, and i am about to end it, i just found my self with a headache red eyes and tear runing down my face, on a page “50 reasons why you shouldnt kill yourself”  and to each and every single one i had the perfect answere to.  and sometimes a question.  The world doesnt need me, and the world doesnt know me,  i remember some one asking me if  i believe in desteny  and destiny is a lying bitch. so i sayd yes. but not the same as you.  this might be my last letter, lets hope its not, i am giving everyone so many hints, so many clues, i dont notice my self i do, but i do  i dont know what to do anymore except wait for an ambulance perhabs to save me from an overdose... google is a true friend, some times, but useless when you type in the emergency help tell number, no one ever picks up. today is my sisters birthday, and i feel bad for maybe leaving them for ever behind, after life, is not a thing, there is empty and nothing ever better.  it would be the end, the black screen, thoughtless, slefless, lets call it being one with nothing. because thats what i am. nothing. in other words, ending my life would be for me to be one with what i had to become.