I'm well aware of the whole Gortash X Dark Urge ship, and the little bits in game that kinda hint there maybe was something between them before the Dark Urge was slain.

So uh, why does this look like Moon just brought Gortash to court for child abuse allegations against their daughter, Karlach?

Bonus: Gale being a supportive step-father

Dark Urges should have different conversation bonuses when speaking to Gortash.

Like trying to persuade him to do anything as the Dark Urge should give you situational advantage/ roll two dice, or it gives you a +3 or +4 for being the dark urge.

But lying to him gives you a negative score, because he knows you too well. -2, and you have disadvantage on that deception check.

you should also have disadvantage on intimidation with him not just because he's wearing his no fear coat but also because he just thinks of you as his pookie murder bear, he's not gonna be intimidated by anything you say. he's just gonna boop your snoot and say that's my favorite little vicious pet :)

The Durge Gortash reunion scene where Duge gets their memories back but instead of something serious or dramatic Durge just goes

"Pookie Bear?"

And Gortash doesnt know how to react to that, especially in front of ppl so he just kinda freezes up.

But Durge starts to make steps towards Gortash like

"Pookie Bear, is that you?"

And Gortash tries to hide into his coat like a turtle as Durge hugs and pets him

"It is you Pookie Bear" givin him lil head kisses

so… remember when I said I wanted to create the most 2015 out of character most cringe fanfic about durgetash and I had that pole asking if I should actually write it (as well as some actual serious durgetash which I will.) well…. I did it. Any bad use of grammar/ spelling are 100% on purpose, this is not a serious fic aka please don’t think this is how I actually write.

enjoy 984 words of pure torture.

Hey my name is The Dark Urge but everyone calls me Durge for short. I’m really poggers and epic because I was born from the blood of Bhaal, yeah Bhaals my dad, suck on that posers. I have ivory-white scales and eyes the color of blood being splashed on the deepest of rubies. And I’m a storm sorcerer, studying to do magic is for losers! Plus I have this super cool slayer form that literally makes me so badass. As the true spawn of Bhaal you could say I have it all, I have a whole cult at my beck and call, all the different corpses I can eat… but there’s one thing I don’t have yet. There’s this one guy….. The chosen of Bane, we made like this pact thing that says I can’t harm him but it never said I couldn’t fuck him. And by the gods I will. I want him to be my shmoopie snuggluffagus cutie pookie patootie pudding muffin, but my dad is like a total buzz kill so I have to apologize for even thinking about putting a ring on that. Anyways his names Enver Gortash but he prefers for me to call him Enver because we’re close like that and I’m special and all that fun stuff. Plus I’m so much better that the depressed pile of dust and bones we also have to work with, ugh he’s such a boomer.

So here I am walking into Moonrise Towers so we can start discussing our super foolproof evil plans for how to take over the world. My super platform docs stomp against the stone steps to enter the tower, I glare at a few of the various subjects of other cults, idk which ones though, all I know is they’re not as cool as I am. Their probably posers and preps for all I know. But again, I don’t care. I make my grand entrance into the throne like room, doves flying behind me as light shines behind me, I’m just that important to like the world and stuff. I whip off my super cool angular anime sunglasses and I look around the room I see my pookie schmookie goth fantasy man boo-boo bear sugar goober standing off to the side and I see the old decaying grandpa corpse sitting on the big chair at the end of the room. Ugh, he’s the worst, and not even in a fun way, he won’t shut up about how his daughter doesn’t want to talk to him anymore and how he’s literally only here because of her, like how boring can a backstory get? He begins to speak. “Ah how nice of you to finally join us, you’re over an hour late.” He grumbles out, I swear theres like a moth living where his brain should be doesn’t he know that you have to be fashionably late? “Umm yeah.” I say, “that’s the point, what kind of nerd actually shows up on time.” I say rolling my perfect blood red eyes, making sure I show my sharp teeth as I scoff at him for extra effect. “Whatever, let’s just start the meeting already.” The reanimated corpse groans out, bones cracking as he repositions himself in his high chair. I cross my arms over my chest because I’m mysterious and awesome as the guy begins to speak, I don’t pay attention my sister is probably around here somewhere I’ll just ask her for the spark notes version. Gods I want to kill someone. Like I don’t have to, but I’m bored and it’s something I enjoy doing. Then I notice something in the corner of the room, while the old man goes on and on I go and investigate, the something I noticed was a cultist, not one of mine of course, they knew better. Upon further inspection, they don’t even seem to be a cultist, their robes look homemade with no reference to what they’re even supposed to be wearing. And they seem to be snooping around too, ugh it’s probably some Harper spy or something. Well, might as well get my kill count up while I’m here I guess… I approach them and before they could even begin to utter an excuse I shove my dagger in their mouth, dragging it against the roof of their mouth and tongue and pushing it down their throat. I watch with glee as the fear in their eyes gets worse as they start to choke on their own blood. I wiggle my blade, making the gashes in their mouth wider as I do so. I could stop there, but where’s the fun in that? I pull my dagger out to watch them cough and sputter out their own blood, uselessly clawing at their throat. Ugh, what a poser, I bet that even before I did that they wouldn’t be able to name 3 MCR songs.. I shove the spy onto the ground as they look up at me almost pleading with their eyes. Ugh it’s disgusting. So I take my dagger and I begin to hit them, it’s at this point I notice that the boring guy stopped speaking and the room was silent except for the occasional blood gurgle. I pull out the persons intestines and that’s when Gorts and my eyes meet across the room. It’s like so romantic like I swear someone casted like stop time or something… him and his pepsi dark eyes… I tuck some of the blood around my tympanum, gods he’s like so hot. Like the hottest I’ve seen in my 40 years of dreadful existence. Then he walks over to me and my heart goes doki doki he knees beside me on the other side of the now corpse and we start making out. No lips no tongue, all teeth. And then we took control of the netherbrain and got married.

The end.

My Tags

common tags;

Gale (#wife) Rolan (#baby boy) Astarion (#starry) me being annoying (#serena the yap-atron 3000) shitposts and memes (#goofs and gaffs)

lesser used tags;

Halsin (#pookie bear) Karlach (#karlach) Shadowheart (#shart) Kar'niss (#pookie boo boo baby bear) Lae'zel (#laezel) Wyll (#willy) Nere (#nere) Gortash (#gortash) Dark Urge (#durge)

writing tags;

all of my writing (#my writing) all of my headcanons (#my hcs)

others;

asks (#ask) modding (#modding) D&D related (#dnd)

to the people who hate Gortash, he's my little meow meow and he's never done anything wrong in his life leave my poor baby boo alone.

to the people who love him but don't think he's redeemable, he's my poor widdle schmoogums and he's misunderstood and you don't understand him like I do, also what war crimes, your honor, I know of no war crimes my client pookie bear has committed-

to the people who love him and think he's redeemable, he's really fucked up, guys, come on now, he's evil and it's his most charming quality, bust his balls some more. bully him. he deserves it.