Hi

So its 2:28 AM CT. I am sitting here at my computer actually asking myself why I’m going to put my life on display like this but here it goes. My name is Rene. I’m 21 from Texas. I’ve lived here my whole life. I work for a well known bank although my position isn’t high at all and the job I do is very mundane and well...depressing. I’m gay. I am single and I have HIV. So yeah my life is a mess. 

I guess we will start with a bit of background about how I contracted this terrible virus. I met a guy on Grindr (yikes! I know) who seem’d to be pretty cute and well that’s about it. So i messaged him and he replied he came over we smoked a little bit of weed and then we fucked from about 8:00 AM until noon. You must be wondering how I lasted that long (by the way i’m versatile and yes I was on the bottom) and I myself don’t know how I even lasted that long. Lets just say the sex was amazing. So per usual anonymous Grindr hook-up I assumed that I would never see this guy again. Although we did exchange numbers, I myself didn’t think this would be a regular thing. How ever about a week or so later he texted me and asked me to come over to his apartment and hang out smoke and watch a movie....and of course squeeze a good fuck in there somewhere. So I went over. He lived in a one bedroom apartment not far from where I live on the north side of town. His apartment complex was a little far out but I didn’t mind the drive at all. When I arrived at his place right off the bat I knew something was just a teensy bit off. I asked if he lived alone and he said no that he had a roommate (red flag number one) and I asked “isn’t this a one bedroom though how do you have a roommate” and as per usual fuck boy response he changed the subject and said it didn’t matter. So I just went with it. We smoked and watched our movie and then we fucked long into the night. It went from the balcony of his apartment, to the living floor and couch then it went to the bathroom where we got in the shower and had some really great shower sex. If you are wondering, yes I was being safe. Yes we used condoms and lots of lube. At this point in my life I knew enough about HIV to know how to be safe. Mind you this is the second time we had sex and he had not yet disclosed his status to me nor did I know that he had it. As many of you may know HIV shows no symptoms or signs at all. It simply is a virus that attacks your immune system so there wouldn’t be any outward symptoms to show. So back to the story, we had sex blah blah blah, I slept over and went home around 9:00 AM the next morning. I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days....eh it might’ve been a week to be completely honest. At this point in time it is mid March of this year...2017 and I had seen him all of two times. So he hit me up again shortly after this second sexual encounter and asked me if I wanted to go out and have a few drinks. I was all for it I love a good drink and a nice social environment so we went to a local gay bar had a few drinks then went to a night club and danced until the club closed. It was great and I enjoyed myself. At this point we had been seeing eachother for almost 2 months. I walked him to his car and got in cause of course his pot head self wanted to smoke. He offered to smoke me out, I said yes why not and we just sat there smoked and talked about our life and goals and stupid corny first date shit. Then towards the end of our conversation the tone changed. He stopped me and said “I want to tell you something before this gets more serious.” I replied “yeah sure whats up?” My first thought was Holy shit this guy has a boyfriend and wants to leave him for me what the fuck. How ever that wasn’t the case, he looked me straight in the eye and said “i’m HIV positive and undetectable.” I was in complete shock. Never in my entire life had I slept with someone who had such a serious disease. A feeling of immense fear came over me at that very moment. It took me a minute to reply and as I was thinking in my head about whether or not I should continue this relationship, I remember that HIV doesn’t define the person. It doesn’t make them someone you shouldn’t date or sleep with. Mistakes happen. Little did I know. So I replied to him “That’s okay. I know enough about it to know that as long as you’re not fooling around and having unprotected sex with anyone else and we use protection, I will be fine. I can get on PrEP and everything will be okay.” However at this point I already had the virus inside me and it was simply a matter of time before I realized my life would be changing forever. The very next day I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to be seen to get tests done to get on PrEP. The appointment was a few weeks out in the middle of April. He and I continued to see each other although the sex had slowed down. We had sex maybe twice after he told me and one of those times the condom broke and I was very scared. Then about mid april the week of my appointment I get a phone call early in the morning from him saying that he had caught gonorrhea and that I needed to go get tested to make sure I didn’t have it. So that day I missed work and went straight to my local clinic to get tested for everything. A week later my results game back and I was positive for gonorrhea. I went in for treatment and thought all was well. Then the following week I get a phone call from a different city official saying that I needed to come back in and discuss some other test results that had came back. I was thinking maybe they didn’t cure the gonorrhea so that’s why I had to go back in. So I left work early and went straight to the clinic before they closed. Immediately I was seen by a city health department official and she took me to a small room that had LOADS of HIV literature all over. She wasted no time in telling me I was HIV positive and scheduled me an appointment to see a social worker and doctor. I was hysterical, I lost my shit very quickly. The first person I called was the guy who gave me this and told him I was positive. Now get this all he said was “I’m so sorry this happened if you never want to speak to me again I understand.” I was shocked not only did the guy not show any remorse for not only sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with me but he just nonchalantly basically said oh yeah sorry. It almost seem’d like he didn’t care. 

Now lets fast forward to now. June of this year (2017). We didn’t talk for a couple weeks and then we started to hang out again. I really enjoyed his company and liked to be around him. He did make it clear though that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was I. Even when I met him I just wanted a regular fuck buddy. I mean let’s be honest now who doesn’t. He was vers. I was vers. It was great we could flip fuck and just have an all around great time. So we started seeing each other more often and I got to know him better he told me more about himself and how he contracted the virus and his family and what have you. We went out to dinner a few times and it started to feel like we were heading in the direction of dating even though that’s both what we didn’t want. But hey things happen? So one day when I was at his apartment after helping him move in and helping him get rid of a lot of old clothes I asked him: “hey, so since we both have this disease would you be interested in being my only sexual partner for at least a little while. You’re really the only person I feel comfortable having sex with at the moment and you shouldn’t be out having multiple partners because that’s what got you and I into this situation in the first place.” he said he would think about it and I gave him some time and then out of the blue he texted me saying that he was up for it but that it would just be sex and thats it nothing more. I was like cool awesome that’s great. We’ve had sex once since this happened. He call’s it an arrangement. Ever since this whole friends with benefits arrangement happened I still have this feeling that I can’t trust him. Slowly I’m finding out that he has slept with other guys that I have dated and know in the gay community and that he doesn’t really go out all to often because he’s....i guess for lack of a better word a huge fucking slut and sleeps around ALOT!!!

Things have been terrible bewteen us. It feel’s very one sided. I don’t like it at all. At this point in me typing this whole thing out I don’t feel like saying to much for fear that he might find this blog and might read this post and just know its about him. Lets just say im still trying to see where this goes. He has already told me that he doesn’t know how long this can last because he’s vers and wants to be topped but that he won’t let me top him because I’m not “his type.” When he told me that I asked myself is it really worth it? Is he just using me for sex? Am I just using him for sex? As well am I clinging on to this lifeless relationship for fear  of losing the person who gave me a disease that almost killed me because I know that it will be that much harder to find someone to connect with once I tell them that I’m positive? There are so many unanswered questions that I have for myself and him. I think ultimately what I want is closure and an apology. An apology for not being honest with me from the get go. An apology for ruining my life. An apology for taking complete advantage of me and then treating me like complete shit. Are all men like this? Do all men do is lie and be deceitful and vindictive in every way possible? What will come of this fucked up relationship? I sure as hell don’t know. Stay tuned for more updates.