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Samuel spent every night with me for weeks and every morning I was amazed to see him there and slightly afraid of doing something that would make him disappear again.
This morning I woke up to him smiling at me, but he made no move to get up and head to the hospital.
“Good morning. I took the day off.”
“Wait, you can do that?”
He laughed.
“Don’t sass me, woman! We need to talk.”
“Sorry. You’re right.”
“I’ve been thinking about where we go from here. I mean, we should probably decide what we’re doing and what’s going to happen next. What we even are now. Because I can tell you’re scared, and honestly, so am I.”
“You’re scared?”
“Of course I am. Freya, I love you. I’ve loved you for half my life. But you hurt me more than anyone else ever could. Divorcing you was the hardest thing I’ve done but you left me no choice. And now we’re here and I am terrified of giving you back that sort of power over me.”
I was afraid to ask, but I had to.
“Do you… do you want to stop this? Wait and see if you can trust me again? Because I can understand if you need more time. I love you, I really do, but I’m struggling to see how you can ever love me again after what I did.”
“Freya, I don’t get to choose whether I love you. I just do. I always did. You hurt me, yes. It was horrible, and it definitely left a scar. But I didn’t stop loving you. I can’t. I can, however, choose whether to trust you again or not.”
“But how can you simply trust that I’d never cheat on you again?”
He arched an eyebrow.
“Are you planning on cheating on me again?”
“No! No, of course not!”
“Then I guess I’ll just have to trust that.”
“Do you also trust that I love you?”
I almost added ‘this time’, but stopped myself. Samuel just smiled and hugged me to his chest.
“I don’t have to trust that, I can feel it.”
I kissed him, desperate for him to understand how serious I was about never hurting him or letting down again.
He kissed me back before reluctantly pulling away.
“Don’t get me too excited now, we need to finish this conversation first. Freya, my love may be unconditional, but my boundaries are not. I am making the choice to trust you, but I need you to promise me that if anything ever changes, if you ever find that you don’t love me any more or if you want out of this relationship, you will tell me instead of self-destructing and taking me and the girls with you in the fallout.”
“I promise. I’m sorry. And I also promise not to be all resentful and passive-aggressive and shit.”
“Good. And I promise not to be condescending and belittle your feelings just because I disagree or don’t understand them. Because I wasn’t handling you very well either.”
“Samuel, you shouldn’t have to ‘handle’ me at all.”
“Well, whatever you want to call it, I should still be more mindful of what you need instead of just assuming I know better. At least if we want to give this another try.”
“I do. Do you?”
“Yeah, I do.”
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We had decided to stay in Sulani for almost a week after the wedding to make it a proper vacation. We never really had the chance to travel together before and we wanted to make the most of it.
The days flew by, and I felt closer to Samuel than ever as we spent every moment simply enjoying each other’s company.
I thought about last summer, how far we’d come since Hailey started school. And now Samuel and I were back together and Ivy was about to start school as well. It almost felt unreal.
We took a long walk on the last afternoon of the trip. The Sulani sunsets were truly gorgeous. The islands became bathed in an orange glow as the sun slowly disappeared behind the mountains.
Samuel put an arm around me and looked at the horizon thoughtfully.
Tomorrow we would be flying back to Copperdale, back to our jobs, our house, our daughters. I wondered what the future would look like as the waves gently lapped at our feet.
“You’re very quiet, Freya. What are you thinking about?”
“Going home. You?”
He sent me a mischievous smile.
“I’m thinking I want us to get married again.”
“Samuel… was that another accidental proposal?”
He laughed and picked me up.
“No, it was very much intentional this time. But you didn’t answer.”
“Yes, of course!”
“Great, follow-up question – how do you feel about another baby?”
“Samuel, you’re crazy. I love you, but you’re crazy.”
“I am. Crazy enough to marry you twice.”
“Touché.”
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Chapter 37
This Love
When we entered the bedroom, I anxiously wondered if it would break the spell. Maybe being back in this room would remind Samuel what happened, what I did to him.
[mild spice below cut]
But he just kept kissing me, almost aggressively, and I wanted him to never stop.
He pushed me down on the bed, slowly, his eyes searching my face. I recognised that look, knew he was worrying about being too much for me, too intense. But I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer, begged him to let himself go, to stop holding back on me.
He groaned and threw me onto the middle of the bed, pinning me down with his body.
Samuel had been right about me all along. I had been keeping him at arm’s length because I hadn’t loved him and he had felt it, known me better than I knew myself.
It made sense, now, that he had been so restrained around me, that our marriage had felt so fragile.
But now the restraints were off and we both threw ourselves into whatever this was with wild abandon, barely managing to keep quiet so we wouldn’t wake up the girls.
That night we slept in each other’s arms and nothing had ever felt so right.
The next morning, Samuel left before the girls woke up. I could feel myself starting to worry. What if this changed everything? Or worse – what if it didn’t? But he smiled reassuringly.
“See you tonight. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Then he kissed me goodbye and it felt like a promise.
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It was getting colder, the leaves would be turning brown soon. I had started staying out a bit later after coaching, just so I wouldn’t have to face Samuel.
Being near him was almost painful, and I didn’t trust myself not to reveal everything, throw myself at him and beg for forgiveness. But sooner or later I had to go home.
Samuel had to leave as soon as I returned that evening, and I immediately took out the wedding picture as usual and put it on the table in front of me.
I had looked at it so many times in the last few months and I still didn’t recognise the two people staring back at me from the photo. It felt like a dream. I could barely remember half the wedding, I had been too anxious. Had I even been happy? Had Samuel been happy when we said the wows? Had he believed in us, believed in me?
I looked at the smile in his eyes, his smooth face. How had it only been seven years since this? We looked so painfully young. So stupid. The whole thing had been a fairytale, dreamt up in our minds with no basis in reality. Samuel hadn’t known me at all, I hadn’t even know myself. And I certainly hadn’t known or even cared who he really was.
And now it was too late. I saw the future stretch out in front of me, years and years of…
“Freya?”
I spun around. I hadn’t even heard the door.
“Sorry, I forgot my phone… Why are you looking at that?”
I scrambled to my feet.
“Oh! It’s nothing. I was just…”
My voice faltered.
He hesitated for a second. Then he came closer, and it felt like he was looking right through me.
I was frozen in place, had no idea what to say.
“I’ve seen the way you look at me, you know. At first I thought I was imagining things. I figured it couldn’t possibly mean anything. After all, you said you never loved me… But you also never looked at me like this before.”
He put his arms around me.
“Freya?”
I saw the question in his eyes and felt the solidity of his body against mine.
Unlike the photo, this Samuel was real, not fiction. And I loved him.
The first kiss was brief, tentative. My nose bumped into his and I felt his lips form a smile against mine. We began kissing with an intensity that had never been there before until we both had to stop for breath.
“Fuck,” he mumbled. “I am probably the biggest idiot who ever lived, but fuck if I don’t want you back.”
Tears started running down my cheeks and Samuel held me close.
“I’m so, so sorry”, I whispered.
“I know.”
He held me until I stopped crying. I wanted to burrow into his chest and never leave.
“Freya, my eyes. Look into my eyes. There. Tell me, what do you want?”
His eyes were almost black in the low light and it felt like I was standing on the edge of the edge, the abyss only a heartbeat away.
There’s a way out of everything, but there’s rarely a way back.
“You, Samuel. I want you back. I love you.”
His lips met mine again and I surrendered myself to him completely.
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It was nice being outside in the cool night air after sitting in the stuffy room. My clothes smelled like whatever he and Kari had been smoking.
I felt a little lightheaded as well.
As we walked back to the house, Charlie told me about touring, about trying to make it big. He told me about getting into trouble and running from the police. It was still baffling to me that he could laugh about things like being arrested, like it was all a big joke to him.
He also talked a little about Samuel. It felt like he was trying not to, but couldn’t stop himself. It sounded like his feelings about Samuel were just as complicated as Samuel’s feelings about him. There was definitely the same mix of resentment and envy.
After we got back to the house and I thanked Amelia for watching the girls, Charlie followed me upstairs to get a glimpse of his nieces. They were both sleeping peacefully.
In the hallway outside their room, he turned and looked at me with those mismatched eyes, one brown, one green.
“Cute kids. I know I haven’t been much of an uncle, but I’ll meet them properly tomorrow. My brother has always been the lucky one.”
I felt the lump in my throat. Tell that to him, maybe he would be here now. Maybe he would still care.
“Is something wrong? Freya? Hey, what’s up?”
There was actual concern in his voice. A voice that sounded so much like Samuel’s, except Samuel’s voice was causing me nothing but pain lately. I felt the tears coming.
“I’m sorry, Charlie, I’m a mess these days. It’s just – I don’t know if Samuel and I are going to last, and…”
He put his arms around me, and I leaned into him as I tried not to cry.
It felt good.
Samuel rarely held me when I was upset, he just explained why I shouldn’t be.
Charlie lifted my chin.
“My brother has also always been a fucking idiot.”
Then he kissed me.
Hard.
Insistent.
This was nothing like Samuel’s gentle kisses, bore no resemblance to his constant restraint. Or to his complete absence lately.
My knees buckled as Charlie continued kissing my neck, his other hand slowly, deliberately, untucking my shirt.
I should have pushed him away, told him to stop.
But I didn’t.
Somehow we reached the bed.
I had never felt this wanted, this desirable. All my frustration, doubt and hesitation obliterated.
As I wrapped my legs around Charlie, I knew this was wrong, this was a disaster. But all it did was turn me on more.
Charlie demanded instead of asking, ordered instead of suggesting.
Praised instead of criticising.
I let go of everything, lost myself completely in his arms, my mind blank, my body frenzied.
He looked up at me, eyes shining in the dark, as I moved my hips furiously, my nails digging into his skin.
“Fuck. If only my perfect little brother could see what his perfect little wife is doing right now.”
His harsh words cut through me without mercy, slicing through all the ties that had ever bound me.
They say the truth will set you free.
I had spent my life running from the truth, telling myself that everything would be fine if only I could find a way to be perfect.
I guess there’s nothing as freeing as accepting that you’re just a horrible human being.
Or maybe I was just human.
Flawed.
Broken.
Never meant to be perfect.
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Chapter 35
This Is Me Trying
When I found the rose, I knew that Samuel had been there.
I could imagine all too well what he’d seen.
I never meant for it to happen like this. I knew that what I did was the end of my marriage, knew that I was giving up on it the moment I kissed Charlie back instead of pushing him away, but I obviously hadn’t meant for Samuel to witness any of it.
I should have given up a long time ago. Then none of this would have happened.
It took two days before Samuel came home. The girls were asleep by the time he walked into the house after work, almost as if he hadn’t been gone at all.
I fully expected him to yell at me, to be furious. It would only have been fair. But he never even raised his voice.
I would have preferred if he did, if he’d punished me somehow.
Instead, his voice was calm. Resigned.
“Freya, we’re done. I’m done. I’ve filed for divorce.”
“Samuel, I -“
“Shut up. Just shut up. I am no longer interested in anything you have to say. For once, just listen to me.”
I was taken aback. For once? It felt like I had done nothing but listen to Samuel’s lectures throughout our marriage. I was about to protest, but he continued.
“It’s finally clear to me that you don’t love me. Maybe you never did. You’ve told me again and again that I don’t care, and nothing I said or did could ever convince you. It was never enough, because nothing is ever enough for you. You just take.”
“The way I see it, there are two options. Either you don’t fully realise what you’ve done, or you did it on purpose. You’ve ruined our marriage, you’ve robbed me of any chance I ever had of having any kind of relationship with my brother, and whatever happens, you will have hurt Hailey and Ivy.”
“If you did this without realising the consequences, I worry about you. If you did this fully realising the consequences, I worry about you even more. But either way, I’m done with you.”
“We should never have been together in the first place, never have gotten married. I’m merely correcting a mistake.”
“I’ll come by tomorrow after work and spend some time with my daughters. Meanwhile, consider getting help.”
“No, wait, that’s an order. Get help, Freya, get your shit together. For my children’s sake.”
“Or I will have to keep them safe from you.”
Then he left. Somehow, the quiet click from the door closing behind him was louder than if he had slammed it in my face.
I had finally seen a Samuel that no longer cared about me, and it chilled me to the bone.
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The next summer, Jessica and her fiancé Nicolas were getting married, and they had invited us to their destination wedding in Sulani. Griffin and Daria were coming too, even though their daughter Myra was only a few months old.
We had all landed in Sulani in the evening and found our bungalows. Now we were unpacking and getting ready for bed.
“Do you need to call your dad, check in on the girls?”
“No. This vacation is for adults only. If there was a problem, he would call us.”
“I’m really proud of you, Freya. You used to be a mess of anxiety every time the girls left your sight, and now you’re putting them on planes all by themselves.”
“If Daria and Griffin can leave a tiny baby with her relatives for a few days, I can send my kids to Brindleton Bay. I refuse to get all hysterical about these things anymore.”
“Freya, I told you, hysteria is not a thing.”
“I know, I’m just teasing you.”
Samuel lowered his voice and spoke quietly into my ear.
“Actually, do you know how doctors used to treat hysteria in the 19th century?”
“No?”
I felt his body pressed close to my back, his breath on my shoulder as he kissed it.
“Pelvic massages.”
“Oh? Then maybe I am feeling a little bit hysterical. I should probably see a doctor about it.”
“Maybe we should finish unpacking first.”
“As you wish, sir.”
Samuel didn’t laugh.
“… Say it again.”
“What?”
“Say it again.”
“… As you wish, sir.”
“Fuck.”
Samuel mouthed the word, and I felt how he reached down and adjusted himself slightly behind me.
I finally caught on and turned to him. This was new territory.
“What seems to be the problem, sir?”
“You are. You have always been my biggest fucking problem, woman.”
“Oh, I am a problem, am I?”
[implied spice below cut]
He sat down on the bed, but before he could react, I quickly kneeled between his legs while I undid his belt.
I looked up at him as I took him into my mouth, enjoying the look of surprise on his face. It didn’t take long before his breathing became erratic.
“Freya… You have to stop, I’m so close.”
I briefly let go of him.
“Is that an order, sir?”
His only reply was a sharp intake of breath as I continued.
A few minutes later, we were lying on the bed together, suitcases still not unpacked.
Samuel chuckled.
“Definitely a vacation for adults only.”
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Everything was going great for a while. Samuel was happy, the girls were happy. We settled into a routine.
Samuel would often hang out for a bit in the evenings. We would talk about our day during dinner, but he would stay after the girls were asleep if he needed to vent after a rough day or was worried about one of his patients.
Even if the guilt of how I had treated him would never go away, I was happy to be allowed to be there for him now. I knew I hadn’t done a very good job of that before, and if he was giving me a second chance to be his friend, I wanted to do better.
I also really enjoyed his company, almost feeling a bit sad when he had to leave at night.
That evening was really no different from so many others. Not at first. He came in and got swarmed by the girls as usual. He stomped around and made dinosaur noises. I couldn’t help but laugh with them.
We were still joking and laughing during dinner, and I said something funny.
And then Samuel sent me a brilliant smile, and my heart skipped a beat and somehow
everything
changed.
He continued eating and talking to the girls like nothing had happened, like the entire world hadn’t just been completely shattered and rebuilt a million times in the instant of that smile as I struggled to breathe normally, desperately wishing and fearing that he would look at me again.
I was a mess during dinner, but thankfully I had coaching to do, so I quickly said goodbye and almost fled out the door, into the cool autumn breeze.
Over the next weeks that first spark turned into a roaring flame and I had no idea what to do with myself. What was happening? Was this what being in love felt like? It was horrible, and yet I didn’t really want it to stop.
Samuel was constantly on my mind, but not like back in university when I just wanted him to notice me.
Now, I both obsessed about making him happy and feared that he would realise how I felt.
I lived for his laugh, died a little when he left, cried myself to sleep at night.
Whenever we were together, I found myself stealing glances at him. I tried to act normal, but every time he looked away I was staring at him, at the lines of his face, his body, his hands. Why had I never seen him before? I had always found him attractive, but he wasn’t just sexy, he was so much more. He was strong and brilliant, a great father. Kind. Funny.
Was this how Samuel had felt all those years? Suffering in silence, painfully in love with someone he could never reach?
When he left in the evenings, I would take out one of our old wedding photos and stare at it for hours, imagining what it would be like if we had never gotten divorced.
If only I had never fucked up, never hurt him so deeply.
If only I had loved him the way he deserved all along.
If only…
How had he survived this? How did anyone survive this? How could I ever have done this to him?
I knew I was torturing myself, but I couldn’t stop.
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They say the first holiday after a divorce is the hardest. But Samuel and I had been co-parenting pretty well for a few months now, surely we could handle being in the same room for Winterfest.
For the girls. Right?
It started fine. The girls were thrilled to have us together instead of alternating between the house and Samuel’s new apartment. They were playing happily while Samuel set the table and I prepared dinner.
“Would you like some wine, Samuel?”
“What?”
“I found a bottle from when you still lived here. Do you want any?”
He came into the kitchen.
“Sure? It’s just… very out of character for you to offer me alcohol.”
“True. But you’re not going to be kissing me later, so I don’t mind.”
He didn’t respond.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Samuel. That was insensitive of me.”
“Uh, yeah. Too soon.”
I nodded and poured a glass of wine, handed it to him.
“Sorry. A peace offering. I’m trying, Samuel, I really am.”
“I know. Thank you.”
It took ages to get the girls to fall asleep after dinner, they were too excited about the presents tomorrow. By the time we managed, we were both tired as well. Samuel was nursing his third glass of wine, sitting next to the pile of duvets and pillows I had brought him.
“Samuel, you don’t have to sleep on the couch, you know. The girls are going to wake you up at dawn, demanding presents. Do you want to switch? I stay here and you can take the bed?”
“No! I mean, no thanks.”
I was startled by the force of his reply.
“Sorry, Freya. I don’t think I could ever sleep in that bed again to be honest.”
“Oh. If it helps, neither could I, so I got a new bed. You’re welcome to it. I promise no one but me and Hailey and Ivy ever touched it.”
“Thanks, but I’m fine with the couch.”
I was about to leave when he spoke again, his back turned to me.
“Freya, I need to know. Did you ever love me?”
The truth will set you free.
“No, Samuel. I’m sorry, but no. I really thought I did. You were my best friend, and you were – you are – very attractive. We seemed so perfect together and I guess I didn’t want anyone else to take you away from me. I wanted to be the one who got you, to… win. And before I knew it, we were married and…”
“I see. I guess I should be flattered to be considered a trophy husband.”
“Sorry. I think I loved the idea of you, of us, but not…”
“Not the reality. I get it. I think I always knew. Or suspected.”
He sighed.
“You know, in a way, that makes it easier. It would be so much harder for me to understand how you could ever have done this to me if you loved me the way I love you. Goodnight, Freya.”
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Chapter 36
Out Of The Woods
“Daddy, did you see how fast I was? Did you see me?”
“I saw you, you did so well! Ivy and I were cheering for you all the time.”
Hailey had placed second in her first track run. I worked as a coach for the track & field teams now, so Samuel had been sitting with Ivy as they watched Hailey run.
We went to the pier, all four of us together for once, and got ice cream. Hailey was excitedly telling Samuel all about her track times.
It made my heart swell, not so much because she seemed to have a talent for running, but because I hadn’t seen her so proud of herself before, and I was happy that Samuel was here to experience it too. I didn’t want him to miss too many of the girls’ milestones just because we were no longer together.
The girls ran off to try the ferris wheel and we were alone. Samuel awkwardly scooted over to where Hailey had been sitting. We never spent any time together these days. Ever since that uncomfortable Winterfest a year and a half ago, we had mostly kept it to administrative texts and taking turns picking up the girls from kindergarten.
Finally, Samuel cleared his throat.
“So, uh. You look… well.”
I couldn’t help but smile. I was sweaty and Ivy had wiped some ice cream on my sleeve, but I did feel better than I had in a long time.
“Thanks. You too. The beard suits you.”
We talked for a while, carefully sticking to safe subjects. I told him about Jessica getting into fashion design, how she was planning to move to Del Sol Valley with her boyfriend. Samuel updated me on Daria and Griffin who just found out they were expecting a baby.
Then, his expression turned serious.
“Do you ever… have you talked to Charlie?”
I realised that it was the first time either of us had spoken his name for almost two years.
“No. I wouldn’t pick up if he called, but he hasn’t tried.”
“He actually called me when he heard about the divorce. But we didn’t speak for long. I may have said that I would personally castrate him without anaesthesia if he ever contacted you again.”
“Samuel -”
“With a dull scalpel. I was pretty angry at the time, and he said some really cruel things, and… I just don’t know who he is anymore. I haven’t heard from him since.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to give him a hug, but I couldn’t imagine Samuel would ever want me to touch him again.
“Samuel, I’m really sorry that I screwed things up for everyone. Not just us, but you and Charlie too.”
Samuel sighed and attempted to smile.
“Hey, he wasn’t exactly blameless. He was supposed to be my brother. He should never have... anyways, you said you wanted to discuss the girls’ living arrangement? Are you not happy with the split?”
I was grateful for the change of subject.
“I am, but I’ve been asked to coach the track & field team for seniors as well. And I would like to accept, but it’s in the evenings and I’d need you to have the girls a bit more often. I know your schedule can be difficult, so I only want to do it if you can find the time.”
He looked relieved.
“Sure, we can figure something out. For a moment I wondered if you, you know… Found someone.”
“Oh, no. It’s nothing like that. I just figured I should be doing something worthwhile with my time now that the girls are getting older, instead of being stuck in the house all the time.”
“You do know that was always an option, right?”
“Sorry, Samuel, I don’t mean to sound like I was a prisoner. It was my own choice to stay at home, I know. And you did try to talk me out of it.”
“Maybe I should have tried harder.”
“Samuel, don’t. I doubt you could have convinced me back then. I was pretty out of reach, I think. You were right, there was nothing you could have said that would have made me listen.”
We were both quiet.
I wanted to ask him if he was seeing someone, ask why he cared if I was. But suddenly the girls were back and begged for more ice cream and the moment had passed.
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I smiled at the old photo of me and Samuel that had been strategically placed by the guest bed. My father clearly hadn’t lost his sense of humour.
“Freya, honey? What are you thinking about?”
I looked at my husband as he undressed in what had once been my room. It felt like a lifetime ago.
“I just remembered that time you tried to kiss me in here.”
Samuel grinned into his beard as he undid his belt.
“If I try it now, are you gonna push me away again?”
“You could find out.”
“Is that how you want to spend the last few minutes of our tenth anniversary?”
“That is up to you… sir.”
“Woman, you are angling for trouble.”
“And what are you going to do about it, sir?”
“I guess I’ll have to show you. Very quietly.”
He kissed me, his hand firm and familiar on my waist, his eyes reflecting my love.
“Samuel? Thank you for being my first and second husband.”
“My pleasure. Although I’ll admit, it’s been more of a pleasure the second time.”
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In the fall, Hailey started school which meant less flexibility. She needed help with homework, she needed to have her school things with her whether she stayed with me or Samuel at night, and he struggled to make his work hours fit her new schedule. It was a hassle.
To make it all easier, we agreed that she should stay with me on weekdays until she’d settled in, just to get some stability.
Samuel was frustrated. He missed her, and Hailey was jealous that Ivy still got to visit daddy on weeknights and she didn’t. It was a few weeks of absolute chaos, and everyone was miserable.
Samuel had just dropped off Ivy and was about to leave when I stopped him.
“Samuel, before you go – this isn’t working. Hailey cries at night when Ivy isn’t there, and she misses you.”
“I know. It’s not really working for me either. I don’t like treating them so differently.”
“I have an idea, just as a temporary solution, but… it’s a bit unusual, I guess.”
“Unusual?
“I was thinking you could just come here after work. I would pick up the girls, take them home, make dinner. You could eat with us whenever you can make it, help Hailey with homework, hang out a bit, maybe put them to bed. You’d still be able to spend time alone with them when I coach in the evenings, and your work schedule would matter less. There would be some sort of routine. And you’d see them more, both of them.”
“Wait… You’d have me come by every day and make me dinner?”
“… You’re right, it’s too weird. It was just a suggestion.”
“No, I mean, what’s the catch? I am not turning down your cooking and seeing the girls every day for a while.”
“No catch. I just want everyone to be happy.”
He looked at me thoughtfully.
“You really do, don’t you? Well, no harm in trying it, I guess.”
“See you for dinner tomorrow then?”
“Sounds great.”
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#duchellilegacy#duchellichapters#duchelligen4#freya duchelli#samuel ward#hailey duchelli#ivy duchelli
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I was on my way to bed that night when I heard a knock on the front door.
“Samuel? What are you doing here?”
He was swaying and looked dangerously close to falling over.
“Why, Freya? Why did you do it? Please tell me. Was I not good enough? Was that it?”
I stepped back to let him in and he stumbled almost immediately. I barely managed to catch him.
“How could you? And Charlie? That fucking…”
“Samuel, what the hell? Please tell me you didn’t drive here like this.”
“No, I walked! Because I am the responsible one!”
He was slurring his words, but the bitterness was unmistakable.
Somehow I managed to drag him to the living room and he collapsed on the couch.
“Why, Freya?”, he mumbled.
Before I could find an answer, he was snoring softly, tears drying on his cheeks.
I gently rolled him over in case he threw up and sat with him for a while, making sure he was sleeping peacefully.
Why, Freya?
I had no answers. There was no excuse for the amount of pain I had caused him.
The next morning I called the number from my father and set up an appointment.
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The therapist, who asked me to just call her Kristin, was a kind woman with a dry sense of humour. I quite liked her. But she was also merciless. She asked hard questions, pointed out the flaws in my arguments, and I left each session feeling both butchered and reborn.
I talked to her about the things I had taken for granted. Jessica was right when she said that I had been given everything. Yes, my parents made mistakes. All parents did. But I had happy, loving parents and I didn’t appreciate them, I just resented them for mistakes they made two decades ago. Mistakes I barely remembered any more.
Kristin made me reexamine everything I thought I knew, and she cut through all my excuses. It was hard, and I suddenly had an entirely new appreciation for what my father must have gone through to battle his own demons. And he did it for me, just like I was doing this for Hailey and Ivy.
Kristin also wanted me to try to deal with the anxiety by observing it. Like it wasn’t part of me, but merely something around me, like sitting in water.
I tried to imagine the worst. The first thought that came to mind was Hailey and Ivy getting hurt, but that was too much. I couldn’t do it.
Kristin suggested I start with something slightly less intense.
I thought about Samuel’s threats. That he’d take the girls away from me if I didn’t get things under control. What would happen? What would it look like?
The anxiety simmered around me, but I forced myself to sit in it instead of trying to escape or push it away. I had spent years imagining the worst scenarios that I could come up with, but I had never tried to think them all the way through. I prepared myself. Kristin reminded me that it wouldn’t be pleasant, but that the anxiety itself couldn’t hurt me.
Deep breaths.
I imagined Samuel taking the girls away from me. Imagined how he’d come in and pack up their things.
How the girls would cry as I said goodbye, how they would be trying to hold on to me.
My throat closed up and I felt like I was drowning.
“Freya, remember to breathe. You’re safe. You can do this, breathe.”
I wanted to stop, to run, to think about anything else, but I fought the urge to quit.
A shuddering breath.
Then another.
And then, in my mind, I saw Samuel. Samuel, crying as he took away the girls, trying to comfort them because they didn’t understand. They couldn’t possibly understand that daddy wasn’t doing this to be mean. He wasn’t doing it to punish me, but out of love. For them.
Because he cared so very much.
A racking sob shook my entire body.
How could I have ever fooled myself into thinking that he didn’t care about his family? How many times had he told me that he loved me, tried to soothe me, put up with my unreasonable demands for reassurance?
Samuel was right. All I did was take.
And now I finally tried to listen, but no one was speaking.
I kept seeing Kristin every week all through the fall.
Leaving one of my sessions I thought about the incredible stress Samuel must have been under while I was too busy worrying about what I wasn’t getting from him. He had a demanding job, a demanding wife, and two demanding toddlers, and I had never cut him any slack. All I cared about was all the times I had been wronged, oblivious to the stress I was causing him.
I had been so stuck in the past, in all the perceived slights, that I didn’t see the present. And now I had no idea what the future would bring.
All I knew was that it would never be the same again.
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#duchellilegacy#duchellichapters#duchelligen4#freya duchelli#samuel ward#hailey duchelli#ivy duchelli
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My baby Eric and his baby and grand-baby 💕
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