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dear-yandere · 3 years

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—ask collection!

a collection of mostly very old chats and sweet asks that i never got around to answering! thanks for the patience and love!!

beware, fairly long post... woops....

chat asks.

darling: Eu-jin is best boy. Change my mind.

vanya: i am physically incapable of fulfilling that request, how dare you do that to me... i’m biased since he’s my own oc, but i would die for my (very best) boy eu-jin... who can resist such a gentle yandere that loves you so whole-heartedly?

that reminds me! he’s actually based off of kuroyuki and gekkamaru from the otome nightshade, so if you want similar characters by any chance, do check them and the game out ♡

darling: I was watching the dub for Part 5 of JoJo's Bizarre adventure yesterday...Mista called himself Daddy and I like- sdfghjfgsdhnhnmj!! My heart can't take this--

vanya: WAIT HE DID???? i’m not even big on daddy kink and reading that made me go 😳 this is vital information to know... what episode was this??? for research purposes, of course. gotta perfect my yan! mista, after all~...

darling: for yandere songs, have you heard of the major to minor covers by chase holfelder :O? the way he delivers the lyrics in some songs (betty, all i want for christmas), added with the key changes to minor, is really fantastic, and gives a stalker-ish vibe imo! and he's a really good singer in general

vanya: i have!! a good chunk of them are actually on my personal yandere playlist, so i end up hearing them frequently when i’m writing!! i haven’t been keeping up with his uploads recently, so ‘betty’ is completely new to me and just, wow???????????? this man is an absolute god send for us “romantic” horror fans... ♡

this ask gave me such a lovely idea, though, darling: assigning yandere types/mbti based off each of chase’s minor key covers. i think i’ll do that just for you. ♡

darling @blossomiich: I reread some of your old character interaction asks and saw the one with Jotaro hugging his Darling after a panic attack and the elephant seal plush reminded me of the iconic C H O N K Y ringed seal plushie that was kinda trending and I can totally imagine Jotaro having one of those >w< that's so adorable!

vanya: i honestly don’t remember that interaction, but then again i don’t remember most things hmghng so i looked it up and

j...just imagine star plat hogging it and not letting joot cuddle with it 🥺 the duality of man...thank you for this cute image...

darling: Umm, sorry for asking this. I'm just curious because of your bio language in your header. Are you Chinese too, perhaps?

vanya: no worries!! i’m mixed guyanese (indian, chinese, & possibly black and/or portuguese), but my family only celebrates (or rather, acknowledges?) our indian descent, since the majority of our family is predominantly east indian.

my header is actually a quote from a danmei novel (and one of my all-time favorite fandoms), tiān guān cì fú (heaven’s official blessing)!

darling genki stan anon: Omg you're writing for free now, i didn't expect that one lol. It's a cute show innit? Not a nagi stan but I feel like nagisa has that kinda unsnapped personality that would make him peak delusional yandere material lolol like oikawa but less threatening and without his head being up his own ass 😂. Hope you're doing well!! -gsa

Gdjsjs im such a fool, i think my last ask said something about not thinking you'd write for free when i literally just pointed out kisumi on your sideblog LMAO my bad 😅 😂 also ill hold back on the gen chan requests because ive already asked so many in the past! Thank you though 🥺. Also feel free not to post this, it can just dip into my onesided chats with my lil flower 💐 so long as you receive them im fine 😌 -genki stan anon

vanya: nagisa isn’t my favorite (kisumi is), but gods if he wouldn’t make a great yandere. honestly, out of the iwatobi boys, nagi is probably the most unhinged. i wouldn’t peg him as delusional, at least not at first; i think he’s very lucid and knows exactly what he wants and how to manipulate people in order to get it!!! kisumi is fairly similar now that i think about it... i might... have a type...

please feel free to send in gen-chan requests whenever you want!!!! i’m kinda super asocial, so it’ll take me a while to answer, but i love getting asks from you since you’re so sweet and excitable!!! your little flower reads and cherishes them all!! 🥺

also darling genki stan anon: Sorry for spamming you with asks hdjkdks, u dont even need to reply im just kinda brain empty venting here whether you recieve them or not 😂 i just needed to confess that while yes i am #1 gen simp, and he is undoubtedly my fave oc of yours but that Ilya tentacle smut had me very much so highkey kinda 👀, had to re read the genki oral style drabble to bring my head back. He dont even need to worry about luca bc that man a thot. I think therin is a thot too but like lowkey, a classy thót -gsa

vanya: omg i’ve kept this one for forever mnmghngh i might’ve even answered at some other point, now that i think about it... but i just 🥺 gosh i hope i find my muse soon, because i really wanna write you a genki fic 🥺 hhhh

the ilya tentacle smut was so in character for that boy... i have no clue how to write monsters, much less tentacles, but i’d honestly do anything for him 🙏 kinky russian boy...

therin is definitely a classy thot, the kind that only bangs the finest concubines then turns around and slut shames you for banging the very same prostitutes gbfmngnfg rules don’t apply to him, in his kingdom...wish that were me tbh ✊😔

sweet asks.

darling one: i've read almost all of your dazai and chuuya fics and i love them so much!! your formatting is also super aesthetic just a question, i saw on your kofi that you also draw so i was wondering if you drew all the header arts?? bc they're all super pretty :) have a great day!

darling two: Just wanted to say love the writing and the way your format your posts is so aesthetically pleasing. One day I hope my posts looks half as good as yours because I legit can't get over how pretty and organized it looks.

vanya: omg thank you so much!!!! one of my bffs, yue, is to thank for the formatting and aesthetic choices, really! if you wanna see more of her aesthetic formats and posts, she actually runs a few blogs! you may know her as @milkscafe, formally @milkaaton! i adore her and her aes choices so much 🥺

as for the headers, i don’t draw 99.98% of them! i have drawn a couple, but they’re so few and far in between since i almost never finish my art wips haha... my older posts are lacking proper credits because i’m an absolute idiot, but i’m slowly working my way backwards to credit them all where possible! they’re all indeed super pretty!!!

have a great day yourself, my love!!

darling: THEY’RE NOT BAD CONTENT, I LOVE THEM ALL

vanya: this was in response to a now-deleted lil blurb but i kept it in my inbox because i wanted to say i love u very much and seeing this ask each time i open my inbox makes my heart skip a beat ♡

darling: Listen I love your writing, you inspired me to start it myself! I've always loved to write, and read of course but your style and concepts just stick with me. If you where to write something besides Yandere content/fandom content and started your own series? I would read the shit, out of it. I'm always nervous to interact with my favorite writers because you know, I'm afraid of the impression I'd leave but I just wanted to say this anyway! 💞💞💞🔫😳

vanya: wowowow fgfnmgnfmngfg that’s such a high compliment my brain just gmfnbgmnf go boom fogjfngnfg and thank you for the interaction, us writers truly appreciate it no matter how awkward or nervous you think you may be / come off!!!

darling one: As a writer, your post struck a nerve with me. I don’t send feedback to writers I like nearly as much as I should (and certainly not as much as I’d like in return as a writer). So, as such, I’m going to start doing that when I can, starting with you.

You are an incredible writer. You were one of the first yandere writing blogs I found and you’re still one I check in on regularly to see what you have been working on. You can portray a sense of suspense and intrigue in a natural way that many other writers - published ones included - struggle with. You delve into the darkness without it feeling forced, and you have an amazing grasp on the psyches of the characters you write for (which is a quality I adore in writing and strive toward myself).

I’m not great at ending these things so I guess.. you keep doing you? Because the you is great and I appreciate it.

darling two: hey. i'm here to tell you that from the bottom of my heart i love you and your writings. i really admire your writing skills. you inspire me. one of your posts once saved me from a nervous breakdown. thank you for everything you do. you're a wonderful person. good luck!

darling three: I wanted to tell you that thank you for writing such wonderful beautiful writings and that you take time to edit and write I hope you are taking care of yourself 💖❤

darling four: Thanks. I was having a hard time and deleted all my apps, but as soon as i opened my phone my first instinct was to look at your blog and i got my motivation back. Thanks (:

darling five: Hi ! I just wanted to say I really enjoy the stories you write and how they are detailed so well ! Stay safe and I hope you have a good day/night ! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

vanya: ahhhh, these are very old asks mostly dating back to my “tumblr writing community is dying” post, and i’ve kept them this entire time because i’m just so starstruck. i have no clue how to reply to compliments, so i’m not sure what else to say besides that these asks made me very happy and got me through a few insecure moments!!! i’ve actually been feeling a little down about my writing recently, mostly because of lack of motivation / inspiration, so revisiting these really warmed my heart, so thank you truly ♡ i’m certainly keeping the originals in my inbox until the end of time!!

darling @monstrously-obsessed: psst, this local cryptic mom thing send all of their love for you 💕

vanya: your local herbo says she loves you very much momster 🥺 mwah

also, to the anon worried about my safety:

thank you so much for pointing that out!!! it hadn’t even crossed my mind when i made those ocs, so i appreciate your concern! i was contemplating revamping those two as is, so this is a great place to start! thank you again!!

#asks collection #not a fic #vanya rambles #[ vanya LITERALLY rambles ]#[ life's hard when you're this asocial i swear fgmnfgnmfg ]#[ now to answer concept asks ]

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dolphin-enthusiast · 4 years

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lovely evening, my beloved morgane! 🌹💖🌛💌 are you doing alright darling?? i saw you got some work done today, good for you!! even if it's such little things like answering asks, or writing headcannons, i'm always so happy and proud of you!! i do wish that you have been eating and sleeping well lately (and relaxing of course!) meanwhile, i wasn't as productive as i would've liked to be 😅 (1/9)

"my narcolepsy really flared up, so i woke up about halfway through the entire day! ahhh i was so upset about that!! but, nothing a cup of tea and scrolling your page couldn't fix 😉 and in all serious, you all flatter me too much!! i assure you that i'm far from a goddess or princess or anything so ethereal, as much as i'd love to be hehehe! oh my, you all are too good to me as always, i don't deserve all of that kindness 💕 (2/9)

and i must say, those vegas au picrews were so wonderful!!! i love all the little details included, not to mention that you look absolutely stunning morgy dear!! 🥰 oh, and that ace attorney au sounds so cute! i can't help but smile when i think about it ❤ (3/9)

despite waking up so late, i did do my daily check up with the garden and the bunnies, and they seemed happy to see me! i also had to go food shopping for my parents, which almost went awry actually,, i was trying to get some plums and pomelos when i started feeling really lightheaded... and i almost passed out 😖 (4/9)

i think it happened because of both the narcolepsy and how hot it was,, though it was embarrassing watching people crowd around me, but luckily, this nice woman took me to the break room and got me a water, she was so kind and understanding! i'm glad i didn't lose consciousness, but the staff decided to give me my groceries for free, so that was nice!! (5/9)

awaaa,, narcolepsy is very frustrating to live with! especially when catatonic episodes come on, then i can't move! despite all of the annoying and (sometimes) dangerous symptoms, lots of people tell me it gives me character?? (6/9)

i don't really understand that, but apparently many people say it's cute haha, my family even nicknamed it my "ragdoll mode" normally, i'm forced to have people accompany me when i go out in case of situations like this,, since my family and friends were taught to catch me/carry me in case of these flare-ups.. i guess i just wanted a little me time hehehe ✨ (7/9)

despite all of that craziness, i did get to play minecraft with the one and only gundhanon! i figured out how to set up crossplay, and had a lovely time! (i even got to visit the dip court 😖❤ oooh, that reminds me of when all of the anons spammed me with "play minecraft with morgane!!" asks, i guess that's another thing on the list? 😘 (8/9)

my my,, it's extremely late now, i should get going!! well then, until tomorrow love, take care of yourself for me~!! 💞💞💞 - much much much love, the very sleepy waifu 💗💗💗💗💗💗 ps: hmm.. maybe we can get drunk together someday hehe~ 💓 (9/9)"

It really does sound like narcolepsy is one hell of a bitch darling but they arent wrong it somehow? Gives u character?? Like it just makes u special in a way ig jeehhd (idk how to words) and i have to admit it IS oddly cute....ngl i'd gladly watch over u and catch u whenever the ragdoll mode kicked in-

B u t i also gotta tell u once again that not being fully productive isnt a sin (also dont even get me started i literally wake up at noon bc i dont sleep at night lmao)...i myself slacked off a little the past days and my dumbass needs to not only finish haikyuu but also draw and write (other than on this blog) more....n e w a y s im impressed to hear that gundhanon played mc with u ksxhhxd it must be an h o n o r to visit the mighty dip court👁️👁️

And obvs u deserve all the compliments darling i mean hell i have never heard of someone like u before who literally has hoards of animals come to her on a daily basis and who overall radiates chaotic angel energy😳😳😳

#also chaotic drunk night w lots of v i b i n g and maybe marathoning shows and playing videogames? y e s #the confessional

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fnaf-sxc · 4 years

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Any thoughts on, what you'll do with the unfinished M!As that you have on here?

FUCK

TL:DR: I might scrap the Magic Anons that are unfinished, I want to rework old ideas and comics but not make major changes to the AU, Im waiting for Security Breach for an idea I have.

Long ver under the cut:

I’ve re-reading parts of my AU to unlock the plot of them from my memories, its been interesting and some-what cringe worth it, mostly because my english was bleeagghhh, somewhat worst to the level I have now (?) I still dont know the time verbs but jfc sometimes the english text was literally a spanish phrase, that only sound good in spanish.

There are also some topics in the AUs that I felt I did poorly, because I was younger and way inexperienced in storytelling... still, I still love a lot of things I did for the AU and even when there are some I wish i didnt implemented, I had fun

I am currently reworking the first meeting of Dark and Spring in a mini comic format because HOLY that is an old comic and is show poorly (i dont know if i should go with gijinka, animatronic or the furry ver (?))

As for Magic Anons... mhhhh

I quickly check just now and... well, is complicated, because retake them would mean reconect with the original ideas i had before and like i said, i didnt like how i introduced and potrayed some things, specially in The Spin Set, which was the first AU I did 100% myself, without talking and rambling to a friend to collectivelly make ideas... and I feel im weak when I do ideas on my own jklaghsjkd

The M!A that are left are Phantoms in the Room (pretty light hearted, nowhere to go), Big Bun (lighthearted, nowhere to go), Dominant (im somewhat uncomfy with this, nowhere to go) and Age Storm, which for some reason I begin to add actual plot to The Spin Set to it and because I begin to make it heavier, I begin to ignore the main plot jkhaskdas.

At first M!A were supposed to be a lighthearted escape from the AUs, unpredicteable and overall fun, but after I completed one and read it in one go I re-read it and is very messy chronologically, things happen too slow or too fast, there is nothing planned so is super weird and I didnt like that, so I begin to use M!S and try to think on a plot and make the asks interact and guide it, but I knew what story I wanted to tell and what I had to do. Which is why I also add rules to the ask and overall ignore thoses who were trying to gain control over what I was showing, what I was telling.

If anything this is the main base of the Sonic AU project im currently working, im telling a story, i know whats going to happen and what will happen, and people can send asks and interact, but never interfeer. I am the puppet master, and as much people want to take the lead and make me change the story, they cant.

I guess I complitelly broke the whole magic of the Magic Anons heh, but it was because It made me uncomfy to not be in control of my own story, and make a flip-flop comic had make no sence when I finished it.

I used to had in mind “how do I make a comic that people like enough to want to do a comic dub about it?” and work towards that idea, make comics that were insteresting, had a structure and look atractive (as much as it can being a plain doodle and not fullcolor).... I even make a few myself to fullfill that desire I had. This is a problem I still had till today, I know it sounds selfish when I write it and people read it, but it was like a “personal goal”, the “reach this level of professionalism in your work”.

I dont think I want to retake the 5(6?) AUs I worked on originally, the whole “Silververse”, at least not with how they are currently. Like I said, there were choices I made that I didnt like when I re-read them, but i still have some nostalgia about it.

I know The Fright is the only AU that has an end (which is not very good written im so sorry I wish i could write), Nightmare World never got to the endgame since I could never fully work on Nightmare/Golden relationship, their toxicity and their redemption to start like a healthy couple, The Spin Set has 2 endings and the more I remember them, the more I realize I had to do a lot to even get to the endgame stage, I never get to fully work on Purgatory Simulator and UCN is a whole new thing that I want to work on in the future.

There are 2 things I regret that I did a lot in the AUs and is hightly tied to how emotionally inmature I was back in 2015-2016, but I dont want to enter in discussion, All i want to say is that I can make it better, I can make it great.

I want to give closure but I cant in the current state things are, I need to fix but note errase the original aura this had. And with my FNaF hype back bc all it took was see the FNaF AR animatronics move like animatronics (bc this series at some point stop being about animatronics and more about “What did Mr Afton did now?????”), I want to work on things.

Here is the plan I have:

I want to rework a few comics, maybe not all of them, but a few, maybe add a few more to patch parts of the story I felt needed to be fixed.The Fright had ended, I could pulish it. Nightmare World never reach endgame even with all the backstory of the nightmares, I could make it happen. The Spin Set needed more development before I reach the 2 endings, I could make that happen, even better to what I had in mind before. Purgatory Simulator could be a short AU comparated to The Spin Set, but dense and straight to the point, and it would be great.

But that takes time, a lot of time, specially when Im just entering the world of being a freelancer, not having a stable job to sustent myself, and a lot of different projects Im working on and I dont want to leave behind. But i could do it, if you believe in me and have patience that I always come back, I could do it.

I also want to have fun, and not tie myself to anything.

On the other hand... I had an idea for another AU that includes UCN, FNAF VR, FNAF AR and the upcoming FNAF SB. It wouldnt be part of “Silververse” because the end of thoses is FNAF SL and FNAF 6, not a continuation as there would be too many timelines, but a frash start on another verse... this time in hands of another Nightmare Puppet, not Nightmarionne.

I have ideas, i’ve working on designs of thoses games for fun and to check if it could work, but I cannot do much till the new game is out. Its an idea I would like to do, and if I fail well, at least I will make comics about it.

So yeah- sorry for the long explanation/rant, Mr Hippo is my spirit animal (?). I guess this was a weight i begin to carry since 2016, the “work on too many things and only about one series” expecting to have something in return, so when my Sonic Forces art begin to have that recognition I lean more on that side.

But you know what? I graduated as an Illustrator, and along all thoses years I connected to the idea that I draw to make myself happy, and make people happy is such a bonus that makes me more happy.

I love FNaF, I dont have to tie and restrict myself for something I love, love is free and I can perfectly draw and be into something for months and then move to a different place, as long as it makes me happy.

And as long you sitll have fun with my content, things will be okay

#fnaf sxc

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vampexx · 4 years

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I have tried a few times now to write this post but I just couldnt go forward with posting it, thinking its too personal...

But...here it goes...

I have always been a painfully shy, paranoid and self conscious person so being this open is really scary for me to say the least due to my struggles with confidence and self esteem...

And drawing has been something I did for as long as I can remember...and it was something that helped me growing up...

However, ever since high school in 10th grade, I have had almost all my drive and love for drawing drained from me from comparing myself to the other, "better," students in my art class and from my own art teacher who at first, in 9th grade, started as a somewhat positive influence but then the next year being really negative and rude.

I was the student that was told, "youre not done, go back to your seat, keep working," when going to my teacher for advice. When he said this, he would only glance at my work before turning me away. All while the other students received kind, positive and constructive criticism when I did not.

He even addressed me, out loud, in front of the class, regarding my low grade, saying, "the only reason you arent failing my class is because you did your homework last night."

For context: the homework assignment was some drawing exercises...and the reason my grade was low was because, it was towards the end of the year, I had completely given up on myself and my art so I didnt turn in a project. One, because I never cared enough to finish it and two, it was an act of rebellion on my part.

That was the first and only class where I actually had an F-....I didnt even know it was possible to get that low of a grade...but trust me, it is. My math grade was never even that low.

Now, this art class was something you had to submit a portfolio for it to be reviewed so these 2 art teachers could decide if you were accepted into this art program or not. (It was exoensive too, if I remember correctly, it was like $200 per semester, and I did this for 2 years).

And against my own self consciousness, while feeling like I was far less qualified than others, I challenged my self doubt and fear of rejection and tried out anyways...

And a few weeks later, I found out I was accepted. That moment went down as one my top, most proud moments. I was proud of myself for a change.

Only for that to change a couple years later...where the little pride and confidence I had left in not only myself, but my skills in art, just dropped so low.

On top of that, my academic grades while in this art program, were also dropping considerably due to the amount of stress I put myself through trying to meet everyone elses expectations and standards.

My painting and drawing teacher (the nice one, not the rude one) would encourage my love and skill for cartooning, charcoal and shading. My digital art teacher (the one who ended up being so rude to me in the following year), helped me realize my strengths in photoshop and with a tablet. He did praise me a few times, which did help, but it didnt last very long.

My downfall was the art class that I took in 10th grade, with my previous digital art teacher, which was "figure drawing." Basically, it was learning how to draw anatomy and being anatomically correct which I found out very early on, was not my strength....and it was the whole focus of the class for the entire year so I was screwed. My strengths were cartooning and caricatures, not anywhere near anything anatomically correct. I kean, I could draw a skeleton, but when it came to human figures and poses....I dont know why but I had a tough time. So that was the year that things really went downhill fast.

It just took the fun out of drawing and turned it into something that felt too forced.

However, in my experience with this class I learned something about myself that Im actually glad that I did...

Its that art is just a hobby for me. I learned that I hate drawing on demand, in a certain time frame, and drawing what someone else wants me to draw.

I want to draw only on my own terms and at my own pace.

I couldnt see that about myself because I was too concerned with everyone else and their skills in drawing.

A few years after I quit the art program, I really didnt draw all that much aside from little doodles and unfinished sketches on the edges of my homework and class notes. I didnt like anything that I drew anymore.

And when you lose love, drive and interest in something you were once so passionate about....it leaves a gaping hole in you. It makes you feel pointless, like there nothing special about you. Nothing that sets you apart from everyone else. It really is as depressing as it sounds.

I was lost.

However. I FELT FREE. I didnt have a constant reminder from several different people that I wasnt as good. No one to make me feel lesser than someone else. No one to put me down.

As a result, my academic grades improved back to As and Bs (excluding math in the 11th grade, I had like a D).

---

And I realize now that maybe I didnt learn all of this the hard way for no reason. Maybe its to also help someone so they dont have to learn the hard way like I did. Or maybe, its to reach out to those have experienced the same or similar things as me so that they dont feel alone. So that they know that them and their skills are still very much valuable and valid.

Because everyone goes at their own pace, no two people are ever the same.

Anyone can be good at anything.

Now I didnt want this post to discourage anyone from taking or considering an art class. Please understand that my experiences are unique to myself. Art classes are actually very helpful as long as your surrounded by positive and encouraging influences.

Just remember to be careful. Respect yourself and your abilities. Be patient with yourself. Have faith in yourself, dont give up. And last, but not least, know your worth and what you deserve when it comes to treatment.

---

Anyways, so up until a couple of years ago, I slowly started to get back into drawing.

I do love to draw, along with architecture and interior/ fashion design.

Im working to rediscover myself, even though I dont want to do it professionally...

So as I did years ago, I will challenge my self doubt again and try to put myself back out there.

So as anxietal as I am, I want to ask...

Would anyone be interested in seeing something I drew?

Might be an odd question and it might sound attention seeking but Im really just testing the waters....

I will add one little doodle I did the other day just to see....

I know its not that great and thats its nothing amazing but....its something Im proud of...however small it may be.

Im not sure how I feel when it comes to reposting...

I feel like I dont want people to repost it...

In case I ever feel like taking it down...

Idk.

Anyways....Im literally shaking Im so nervous...

But...Im trying to repair some old damage.

Have a miraculous day and thank you for your patience.

Again, please dont repost. At least until Im a little more comfortable.

Thank you

#vampexx #vampexx draws

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chaosbcrne · 4 years

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lil ooc update abt current situation + whats happening with this blog etc

where to start. i think it’s obvious i’ve been struggling a bit recently, for anyone who paid attention to the quite many times where i kept cursing holiday season for keeping me too busy and exhausted to do stuff here and stating that as soon as i would get a breather i would get stuff done, and then that... didn’t really happen. i had almost a whole week off and could not, for the life of me, get myself to work on drafts, or anything really. it wasn’t just in terms of rp, literally everything else i was planning to get done during my time off did not get done. the moment i told myself ‘ok, you can relax now’ my brain switched off and all i could do was idly play games and watch random series. which in itself is not a bad thing. i know with hindsight after what i dealt with during the holiday (and arguably the whole month of december), it was important that i gave myself a break, a real break.

the bad thing is the guilt i felt at not being able to keep my word.

and frankly, it wasn’t even because i lacked motivation. it’s just that it never... ends. not that i should want it to, because this is a enjoyable hobby, but whenever i find the time and inspiration to dive into things here, it increases, in a way. the more i do, the more i have to do. the main example being for the christmas stuff i never finished, or the couple of memes i’ve tried to do this week. i go in motivated, full steam ahead. get 3, 4, 5 things done, so more are sent my way, and it feels like what i’ve managed to accomplish up to that point was pointless because it only gets attention in the form of people asking for more of it, if that makes sense. what i do never... feels fully rewarding, in a way. and it kind of deters me from wanting to keep going, even if its flattering that so many people are interested.

given that, like i said, whenever i go into these im motivated and fully intending to get it done, there’s no obvious solution to it. im not a big fan of putting hard caps on things, be it memes or starter calls or whatnot, as sometimes i just get more inspiration for some than others regardless of what order they came in. so the only thing i can do about that particular issue is be more selective. which, is not something i like much either, knowing how many people here suffer from RSD, and that anyone who sends something in that i don’t actually get to will likely feel rejected to a degree. unfortunately it’s probably the best course of action for me, if i want to keep doing stuff without burning the fun out of it. i’ll do my best to find some kind of balance, and i apologize to people who will feel let down because of this.

something else that i feel has been damaging my capacity to get stuff done here is, in a way, my activity. not as in, how much writing i do, but the fact that, as i’ve stated in another post a couple of weeks ago, both my home life and work situation allow me to check on the dash almost constantly. which i love ! i don’t want that to change. i love being able to see what everyone is up to, and almost always being around to join in on whatever discussion or playful discourse is going on, whether ic or ooc. the problem with having such a constant access to the dash is that it leaves me feeling like i should always be doing something productive on said dash. which is incredibly unhealthy, ultimately. this is something else i’ve brushed upon over the last few weeks, but my level of accessibility should not dictate how active/productive i must be.

and this is why i feel like things have been going downhill over the past few months for me here, in terms of actual activity, and also quality (in my opinion); always feeling like im not doing as much as i should for someone who gets to be online as much as i am. because now, whenever i get actual, suitable free time to write, it feels like every other hour of the day where i could technically be writing but am not, and it typically passes me by just the same.

once again, it’s not something i intend to change, per se. i don’t plan to force myself to check on the dash less often or anything like that, and i still want rp to remain one of my main hobbies because i really do love it ! but i need to find a way to make myself not feel like i should always be doing more just because im there, so when i do get that perfect time to write, im motivated to actually use it.

i suppose this is the closest thing i have to a new years resolution: finding a couple of other things to keep busy with throughout my downtime, both at work and at home, so that even if i can always keep an eye on the dash i dont pressure myself to get things done and ruin the experience for myself.

so i can actually hold myself accountable for that, i’ve applied to take some online classes (i want to eventually graduate college despite working full time), so i can spend my downtime at work doing homework instead of scrolling on tumblr and wishing i could will myself to write. i’ve finally secured a url for a potential art blog so i can have a place to dump my aimless doodles on and hopefully, by extension, make it more of a habit to practice and draw. sometime this year i want to teach myself hand-sewing too. anyone who knows me knows that im obsessed with stuffed animals and i want to have made one myself by the end of 2020, no matter how simplistic.

ultimately, i don’t think any of these changes will affect my activity much, since, like i said, i wasn’t being nearly as active as i could have been anyway just because i put so much pressure on myself to be doing things just because i was there. i wholeheartedly believe that pushing myself to take interest in pastimes other than rp will make my actual rp experience a lot more enjoyable and productive when i actually sit down to write.

in any case, i wanna thank everyone for both their patience and understanding, as always. im very thankful for the friends i made here and the many talented partners i get to write with, and i just want that to show in the content i put out from now on.

#✮ ☾ sealed inside the pod ☽ ↳ ooc #mostly personal ramblings tbh definitely not mandatory to read #like i said i dont think its gonna change much here concretely in terms of activity; just trying a different approach #.vent

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fmdsohee · 5 years

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older, wiser, prettier

date: various, december 4th 1998, 2001, 2006, 2011, 2018 word count: 2170 triggers: emotionally abusive parenting, neglectful parenting, general shitty parenting, underage drinking, forced drinking, abandonment, general terrible family notes: me?? being literally like twenty fucking days late on her birthday solo ( it was meant for dec 4th but whatever i dont give a shit ) ?? yes, of course because indeed, i, am terrible, in fact, this is terrible and none of y’all should read it, i’m only posting it bc i won’t let myself not do it.

1998, age one. she spends her first birthday crying.

she was never a quiet baby. when she was first set into her mother’s arms by the nurses, she was crying; she cried through the nights from when she got home into the empty estate. her room is white, adorned with lace and silk, toys and it looks like a showroom – the perfect “socialite’s first baby room” for her mother to giggle about to her friends, show off as she barely takes a glance over the infant dozing in the bed. adjacent to her parents’ room, close enough to be heard, far enough for her not be seen, like most of the problems in the son family.

“come on,” it’s two in the morning, her mother, usually polished and a gushing smile on her face, was tired, “i don’t know what’s wrong with you.”

“she’s hungry, i don’t know, why don’t you feed her?” her father was skulking in the corner, head in his hands as she slumped over in the pristine rocking chair in the corner of the room.

“i already tried, she’s not hungry – she always does this, i don’t know what to do.”

“then work it out,” he lights a cigarette in the corner of the room, drawing in and out without a thought, “i don’t know what you want me to do – move her into one of the other rooms, i would like to sleep – do you think creativity stems from this? do you think i can write another best seller if i never get any sleep? what do you expect from me – you can’t keep walking around pretending you’re even something without money rolling in; even your body’s gone after her.”

her mother didn’t even react to his words – it was normal. “as if you’re the peak of creativity – you’ve been writing the same thing for years.”

“as if you know anything, you’ve made a living of being on your back.”

“i’ve made a living out of working hard, unlike you, how about you actually release something if you’re such a bestseller and stop pretending you’re some starving artist locked away in your study.”

“i’ll stop locking myself in the study when the baby’s gone and you’ve decided to stand there and look good again, quietly.”

“oh, but you’re fine to get yourself out of the room when the cleaner comes over, or the cook, or any of the other young women that seem to come and go a little richer than their contract.”

“shut up,” her father grumbled, “not exactly like you’ve held up well.”

“how about w-“

the two were cut off by the loud cry of their daughter.

“i’m leaving.” with a few slams of doors, her father left.

and her mother was alone, eyes shifting around the sickly room to her daughter.

“you better be worth it.”

and she left the room with her daughter crying out, far enough that she didn’t have to think about her for a second.

2001, age four. she spends her fourth birthday on stage.

she’s been dressed up like a doll: the dress is bright pink, puffy and encompasses all of her; her face felt tacky, sticky, and was covered in heavy makeup; and her eyes can barely stay open. she’s spent the hours of the morning walking around in circles, her feet ached, and she’d made a picture perfect routine.

before she could walk, she had been in beauty pageants, her mother was trying to shill her to industry connections to get her into ads and modelling jobs; sohee hated it. she screamed at her mother, she cried all the time, but it didn’t stop it, so eventually little sohee learned to deal with it.

her friends had teased her relentlessly the days before, playing in the park with wide smiles ( sohee hadn’t even noticed her father had sulked off instead of watching her ) before they started poking fun at her for not having a birthday party; they didn’t mean it, they were young, barely enough to know anything but they’d all been able to have parties, so why not her? sohee had ran home, tugging at her mother’s dress, and she just shook her head. she woke up on her birthday early to practice, nothing else was new.

she smiled, she twirled, she sang, and she got some stupid crown at a no name beauty pageant.

she went home a winner, and her mother yelled at her for her foot placement.

2006, age nine. she spends her ninth birthday lost in the woods.

her father’s writing process was something he called an art, it was something that her mother called stupid and a waste of time, sohee never even noticed any sort of backwards routine before her ninth birthday. one of his writing rituals included packing his bags, getting on a plane and flying out to a woodland cabin across the pond to “cleanse his thoughts” and that time, much to his dismay, chipper, young sohee was along for the ride.

she’s gleeful the entire way there, and it gives her father a headache, but she doesn’t notice. the car’s silent apart from her remarks as it always was. he didn’t have much to say to her, but with what ran through his mind it was better that way. she doesn’t know how to communicate with the people there, she knows how to ask basic questions and greetings, but when her father has short conversations with those they meet at pit stops, sohee stands there by his side wide eyed and confused.

the house isn’t the rustic, cold and damp place that bleeds information as he pretends it is – it’s a vacation home, without a doubt. and when they walk in, it looks like the type of extravagant place that families in movies sohee’s seen come to get together for christmas celebrations before slapstick chaos. but when her dad went into his office and slammed the door, she felt so cold.

she spends three days sitting around the house, flicking through magazines and watching dvds that she’d packed with her. and then her birthday rolls around, and it’s more of the same – her father’s locked away in his office smoking up a house fire and barely touching pen to paper and she’s pacing around the house pouting and crying that she hasn’t heard happy birthday once.

the hands on the clock hit five and little sohee decides that she’s had enough with all of this. shoelaces hastily tied, a backpack stuffed with her favourite stuffed animals for company and snacks for the trip – she decides that she’s going to have an adventure by herself if no one else wants to have fun with her.

it’s a few hours before she realises that she has no idea where she is, and the cold air starts to brush harshly over her skin. she’d not thought to bring any sort of torch, or even a warm jacket, with her mind clouded for a want to simply do something cool – and now she’d been trekking through the woods into the breaking hour of the night. and she was scared.

she’s out there for around three more hours, sitting herself atop of a log crying before by luck a group of hikers come by her, patient with her lack of understanding, and comfort her before leading her back to her father’s house without a hitch. she’s so thankful, she tries her best to talk to them, she exclaims that it’s her birthday in the best way that they can understand, and she makes it back inside. she tries to get them to stay, but they just smile at her, and wish her a good night – they try to speak with her father, but he doesn’t even answer the door.

cold and exhausted, sohee decides to end her birthday as quick as she can when she gets inside.

her father checks on her to say one thing,

“why did you track mud through the house? can’t you do something right?”

2011, age fourteen. on her fourteenth birthday, she decides that she’s grown up.

her parents decide to make some ill fated attempt to go to dinner on her birthday, but she doesn’t care, the most acknowledgement she gets of the day is that her mother makes some offhanded comment about how many years she’s been suffering because of her. in all truth, sohee’s happeir that they’re out of the house – she skips going to her training that night, she calls it a gift to herself.

so she does what she thinks the grown ups do, she reaches up to her father’s liquor cabinet and she pours herself a comically full glass of whiskey – it’s her first drink, she just wants to feel cool, grown up, independent. she takes one sip and she decides she’s done, and then she sets the glass down coughing up the fire in her throat.

“what are you doing?” her mother’s voice cut through the air, and sohee’s heart skipped a beat.

“nothing,” sohee dismissed, curtly, her chest pounding with anxiety, “i thought you’d be gone for the night, i believe you said that you couldn’t stand the reminder of me being born, or whatever.”

“doesn’t seem like nothing,” her mother hummed, glass now in hand and examining it like something priceless, her gaze practically cutting through it back through to her daughter, “your father was getting along with the waitress, i left them to it.”

that didn’t even dignify a response from sohee, who instead huffed, shrugged, and returned to a point of apathy.

“drink it.” her mother sits the glass in front of sohee. she’s confused.

“what?”

“i just said drink it, you poured it, and you’ll finish it.”

“i don’t want to – it tastes shitty, and you can’t tell me what to do.”

“i can,” her mother is completely unbothered by sohee’s argument, “want your tuition paid? want to continue to live somewhere? you’ll finish it.”

“i can’t,” she knows she can’t, she already feels sick to the stomach.

“i didn’t raise a quitter,” her mother’s tone is harsh, firm.

and so sohee drinks it, raises the liquor that burns like fire to her lips and takes a drink. but it’s not enough.

“the entire thing.” her mother states again.

so she does, it’s every drink makes her feel sick to her stomach – it’s an overwhelming type of sickness that she’s never felt before, her stomach a ship at storm, and then she runs off to the bathroom. she barely catches her mother’s content smile, before a sigh.

she spends the rest of the night curled over the toilet.

2018, age twenty one. it’s her first birthday as an idol.

she doesn’t really celebrate birthdays anymore, ever since she spent the fifteenth birthday holed up in her school library – which she considered the best day that she’d had up until that birthday – acknowledging it just felt better to her than acknowledging she was an entire year older.

but she turns around in the morning, eyes barely open and her hands reach out for her phone.

━━ [ 💌 pretty flower sooyeon 🌺 ] : my sohee!!!! ━━ [ 💌 pretty flower sooyeon 🌺 ] : happy birthday~ ━━ [ 💌 pretty flower sooyeon 🌺 ] : i hope your wishes will come true and u will have the greatest birthday ever!!!!!!!!!!! ━━ [ 💌 pretty flower sooyeon 🌺 ] : lmk if gold star ever gets too much 4 u and u need 2 hide in the wish dorms i'll call u my emotional support human

she smiles, she doesn’t quite know how to respond to the message – and she notices that there’s more notifications behind it – she rarely ever told people the day she was born in high school to avoid any hype around it for bad memories sake but now, her chest feels gentle, and she’s smiling from ear to ear. she makes a note to respond to it later, when it’s processed for her.

so she walks out into her kitchen and she sees seunghee standing there, a huge, motherly grin on her face that she’s grown to adore seeing on her close friend. “what’s got you smiling like that?” she questions, pacing around the room.

“i have something for you,” the leader shifted to the side, a dainty, well decorated cake sitting behind her on the counter. “it’s for you, a you’re getting old signal,” she laughed, bringing over the cake to be in front of sohee, “i’m only kidding, happy birthday.”

the leader rushed to shove a candle into it, “i know we’re going to have to go soon, so i’m going to do this now,” she lit it up, “now make a wish.”

it’s the first birthday cake she’s ever had, and she doesn’t quite know how to approach it. so she doesn’t make a wish, but instead she just smiles and blows out the flame.

it’s her first happy birthday

#the last part is so gay if y'all even peak @ this i'm calling my lawyer

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wardans · 6 years

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It's Tag Time!

Rules: Tag people you want to know more about!

Tagged by: @aspiring-to-be-a-cat thanks babe ( ˘ ³˘) im so sorry this took so long orz

Were you named after anyone?

Well, i was named after some french actress named Anouk Aimee. The name is very popular in the Netherlands but not so much Canada 😢

When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday actually. I was sitting outside (bad idea it was hella cold) talking on the phone when i started talking about atlantic cod and i dont remember what the joke was but it was so funny i made myself cry from laughing too much

Do you like your handwriting?

Hmm it's ok i think.. Its gotten neater over the last few years so thats good. And it's readable so bonus points ✌Dont even get me started on cursive tho... I learned it maybe 2x a week for a month in gr4 and then it was taken out of the curriculum so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What’s your favorite lunch meat?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAMM !!!!!!!!! Im just a sliced ham sorta gal

Do you have kids?

Well i certainly hope not! ;D nah im barely an adult anyways. But kids love me for some reason tho

If you were a different person, would you be friends with you?

Idk tbh. I would hope so. If we were i would pray to literally anything that other me could cook so they could teach me their ways. My family? Great cooks, etc. Me? Not so much. Anyways we would both enjoy memes and singing to disney movies and mamma mia and dreaming of sleeping forever (and riding the bull ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

Do you use sarcasm?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Do you still have your tonsils?

Indeed

Would you bungee jump?

See i think it would be cool but i wouldnt actually go through with it. Unless i was blindfolded. Blindfolded means i cant see myself fall to my death

What’s your favorite cereal?

I just eat cheerios with raspberries;; although when i was younger my mum would occasionally buy Reese's Pieces I think which werent so bad

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Sometimes yes sometimes no

Do you think you are a strong person?

Surprisingly yea actually. Listen i lifted my friend one (1) time who weighs like 230+.

What’s your favorite ice cream?

I just had it like 5 minutes ago. Berry sorbet!!! I also really like lime. Sorbet icecream is my saviour ty.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm something that sticks out. It always depends on the person really. Some people i dont notice anything. But like one friend, something i always noticed was her eyes (the prettiest ever) or her smile! Or my mum has got her big german nose which is hard to miss. I just realized that i love peoples noses cause they can be so different and unique i love it. One friends nose literally reminds of Sera's it's adorable

What’s your least favorite physical thing about yourself?

.... My eyebrows... Like they go from dark to light but it's so abrupt that it just looks like half is shaved off TT-TT so makeup it is and oh it does wonders. Oh and probably my hands... theyre so small, theyre like tiny sausages i hate it and my feet are super small.. like size 4.5 or 5 if im lucky

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now?

Im wearing grey track pants that i totally didnt steal from my friendo and Iron Bull shirt ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) (thanks bioware)

What are you listening to right now?

...... What is Love by Haddaway

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Black, like my soul

Favorite smell?

Hmm, melted cheese.... And when the Khans (family friends) make Biryani or Samosas or Tandoori or Curry they are the best smells ever..! Hm the cold crisp air and pine trees in winter as well!

Who was the last person you talked on the phone with?

My friend actually! (sorry mum)

Favorite sport to watch?

Haha sports? What sports? Ok i have watched football (european) with my family. Europeans are crazy about football my god. I was there during the world cup and oh dear when the Netherlands lost....

Hair color?

Well naturally im blonde but i dyed it red violet last december which is essentially hot pink but with more purple in the mix but then i tried this lighter almost pastel pink. Idk if i should go back to blonde or do something else tho :0

Eye color?

Blue like my mamas

Do you wear contacts?

Nah just glasses when i remember to :D

Favorite food?

I had mac n makhani last night and idek what it is but it was good so yea that. And lasagna. What can i say i really like cheese. Oh ooh and butter chicken! And this pulled pork poutine i got from a Jamaican restaurant one time.... It was so good....

Scary movie or comedy?

I hate scary movies. When i first watched Jaws when i was 13/14 i had nightmares for months. So comedy. There was a comedy/horror that i loved tho; Tucker and Dale: Forces of Evil or something like that.

Last movie you watched?

I wanna say Thor: Ragnorak (so good) but it was actually Moana (again for the 100th time)

What color shirt are you wearing?

It's grey with one of Bulls tarots on it (blessed). Its got a little bit of paint on it tho :'(

Summer or winter?

Winter. Oh, worm? Although i love spring because it rains so much hell yesss

Hugs or kisses?

I deprived myself of affection for years, thanks! depression! So now i make up for it hugging all the people i care about. Occasionally i'll give friends smooches on the cheeks if theyre comfortable with it too

Book you’re currently reading?

Haha whats reading? I havent read anything in forever. Im still trying to finish The Danish Girl, The Outlander series, The Serpent of Essex and The Girl of Fire and Thorns which I got like 6 years ago at a scholastic book fair

Who do you miss right now?

My mum and my cat and my friends and family T-T and Asra & Nadia & Oleg & Parthurnaax pls let them be safe and happy and basically ever vg character that i love ;u;

What’s on your mouse pad?

Ive never used one of those ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but my german oma and opa got me one a long time ago with some famous german mouse thing on it. Kinda cute kinda not

What’s the last TV program you watched?

This tv show called Blackish was just on tv. It's hella funny omg. Also i turn on American Dad just for backround noise if that counts

What’s the best sound?

That music that plays when Asra is around, like in that cave.. It just sounds so magical ;u;

Rolling Stones or The Beatles?

Well i did just go to a Beatles Tribute concert 2 weeks ago sooo.. The Beatles it is 👍

What’s the furthest you ever traveled?

Austria cause for some reason we stopped there when going to visit family but it's farther than the Netherlands so like... what...?

Do you have a special talent?

Drawing I guess. Being outta school and barely drawing sort of took me outta the loop... now everyhing i draw looks ugly :/ I guess my hidden talent of writing for one ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿ I learned to make coffees i didnt even know existed at work as well so?? Yes?

Where were you born?

Toronto actually :/ I was almost born somewhere else because my parents travelled a lot up until i was born but they came back... Goddamn

I tag: @queenlydweeb @ridethefrostback @mrjennety @backwardszombie ;D

#this is long & overdue aahhhhh #thats for the tag babe. ( ˘ ³˘)#how do i tag this uuh #the onion speaks #aspiring-to-be-a-cat #queenlydweeb #backwardszombie #ridethefrostback #long post #im sorry everyone most likely read this stuff orz. ...#mrjennety #hey gheykobé surprise it's me

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