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kewltie · 4 years

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omfgggg pregnant!deku. imagine where no. 1 hero is not only an omega but is pregnant and it's still early in his first trimester so he's running around kicking ass but IT'S DEKU so ppl frets and worry over his safety that even villains r like uh i dont wanna mess w/ that. deku is like ridiculously popular & well like even among criminal bc he believes in 2nd chances & rehab of the criminals/villains & fight for disenfranchised youths who fell on the wrong side of the track. so yea, they fight against him but they're also kinda soft for him!!!

so when they found out their fav hero is pregnant & still patrolling there's like some super-secret nonverbal agree among them that they won't stop doing what they are doing but like,,,, nobody fucking touch deku ok or you'll deader than dead. which is ALL KIND OF HILARIOUS bc deku coming to a bank robbery & the criminals doesnt stop their crime but when they fight him, they're like super careful w/ him making sure he doesn't get knock back, fall, or hurt himself too much.

when deku finally captured them and as they're about to taken away, they happily congratulated him on his pregnancy & ask if he'd thought of names yet & one of them is like, "oh, when my husband was pregnant eating X & Y really help with the nausea." and izuku is like,,, thanks???

there's like so many ppl invested in deku's pregnancy that it bizarre bc he's not the first or the last omega to ever be pregnant but he's deku, prohero, no.1 rank, and symbol of hope. all that means is there's a hyper fixation on everything about him esp now that he's pregnant. talk shows, news channel, & celeb gossip show are all talking about it one way or another. whether he's should take an early leave of work or not bc of the danger of his job, the baby's sex, his pregnancy craving, bump watch (I KNOW), & even a countdown to his due date.

the entire country is in a baby fever just bc of deku. everybody talk obsessively about it & even if you find that one person who does not care they def know someone who does. all this happen while deku just go about his day like all of Japan isnt watching his every move lol. the strangest thing about deku's pregnancy is that there's no sign of the other parent?? deku isnt even dating anyone. he never mention any alpha AT ALL, only declaring that he plans to raise his baby all by himself as a single parent which blew their fucking mind bc wtfffff.

look, deku is the most famous omega around, sitting high atop of the world as the no. 1 hero & is adore by the mass--he's greatest omega of his generation some would say so yea there's lot of expectation & hope place on him but deku is deku & he does what he wants. ppl speculate that maybe he's pregnant bc he had a one night stand and this was accident, maybe he has been in a secret relationship all this time, maybe this baby was from a spurned lover or WORST yet a produce of rape... LIKE there's so many rumor swirling around but the answer is actually v v v simple. deku has always wanted a child and since he's nearing 30 right now, he thought it's hightime he has one and the other father? JUST A DONOR. it's nothing serious or complicated as ppl imagine to be.

deku wants a kid and now he has one!! but ppl just can't comprehend how it could be that simple when the most notoble omega in all of japan decide he wants a kid W/O having a mate and he's going to raise this baby all by himself and nope he's not even going to quit his job at ALL to have a family. deku is just--blowing their mind lol

the world doesn't so much get over it as they just kinda get dragged along bc deku does not give a single fuck wut other think and proceed to be immersed in his pregnancy and try to survive the next 6 months while everyone waited on bated breath to see what deku does next. the only thing that stick is the constant rumor mill of who is the donor of deku's baby. they assume that deku wouldn't just pick a stranger bc he's sentimental like that so speculations run amok about every alpha that is closely associate with deku.

there are public polls, betting rings w/ billions on the line, televised debates, internet flame wars, and ACTUAL ARGUMENTS B/T FAMILY/FRIENDS/COWORKERS on who the fuck is deku's donor! even more than deku's baby, they're fucking obsessed on finding out who is the actual donor. the thing is it's not THAT big of a secret. all of class A are in the loop, his mom know (ofc), and even his agency but they all managed to keep it a secret bc deku's privacy is the utmost important & beside the other father would literally MURDER them if it ever get expose.

this is how it went: bullied by his pr team, deku went on a variety show where they have to babysit kids & put through various childbearing challenge while cameras record them for entertainment purpose. It's there when deku realized "ah, I WANT THIS. I WANT THIS V BADLY." deku is climbing close to his 30 now, he's well established presence in the hero world, and his life is pretty stable so it's high time he have his own little family but the thing is babies are two ppl business. they don't just come from thin air so deku did the next best thing.

katsuki would like to say he didn't see this coming the same way you would not expect to be attack by a shark on land, but in this case deku is that fucking shark & katsuki is the idiot that get completley blindsided by him when deku cornered him one day and asked for his sperm.

ok, bakudeku aint dating. they have deep & complicated history that is not only confusing o everybody else but also confusing to them. 'friend' would be to light of a word but anything else is left undefined bc how do you explain more than 2 decades of w/e they are to each other. katsuki doesn't want to talk about the amount of time he'd used image of deku to get off while in rut just so he can survive through it, while the next few days trying to resist punching deku in the face bc he act like a sacrificial idiot who got a cross he wants to bear.

it's not 100% healthy his therapist unhelpfully pointed out but the core of all his volatile feelings have always been named deku & katsuki doesn't know how to compartmentalize it properly bc katsuki may have squashed to something small & insignificant but it's heavy & permanent. so when deku laid his fucked up request at katsuki's feet, he broke the table they were using and nearly walked out if deku didn't catch him by the arm in time.

"kacchan, pls here me out first," deku begged of him, his sweet permeating the air; he's NOT PLAYING FAIR AT ALL. whoever said alphas are the dominate sex in the world have never met an omega, a determine goal focus omega with babies on the brain like deku.

"kacchan, recently i realized that im only getting older so i want a child when i still can," deku explained. "so won't you help me? i know settling down right now is the farthest thing from your mind, but im not asking you anything like that," he continued as katsuki quietly fumed in the background. "i just want your help in making this selfish wish of mine come true. you're among my top choices, kacchan."

Katsuki jerked up. "wait, you mean to say there's a fucking list of alphas you plan to extort their sperm from?" he seethed, feeling like deku had took a goddamn knife to his pride and butcher it completely. "how many other ppl have you asked before you even came to me?!"

"im not extorting anything from anyone." Deku frowned. "and, well, you always lectured me about diving head first w/o any backup plans," he pointed out, "so i made sure to leave several options open just in case the first one fell through. see? i did thought this one thru."

katsuki nearly broke another piece of furniture at the thought of deku asking someone else to father his child as though he was just another face in a long list of ppl deku could use. "What did every alpha on ur shitty list rejected u already so now have to come to me for help?"

deku, who was no.1 for a reason, narrowed his eyes and the air crackled around them. "kacchan, this is extremely important to me so i wouldnt just chose anyone. i only know a handful of alphas i can trust and someone im happy to share the other half of my child with. you're the 1st person that came to my mind when i thought about a child growing inside of me," he said, wrapping his arm around his flat tummy. "despite our many differences you're the one i admire the most. your strength & ambition, grounded by your strong drive & work ethics. the fact that you got where you are w/ your own hands & wits to guide you, i think you're just amazing. so how could i not want those kind of qualities for my own child," deku explained. "im sure a child born from half of your genes you will shine just brightly as you do."

katsuki felt so taken back that found his tongue heavy and words were escaping him. on one hand he felt a rush of pride and a strange sensation of happiness that deku had specifically chosen him out of his potential candidates bc of the greatness he had seem in katsuki but he'd also narrowed katsuki out not bc of some sentimental bullshit or lingering feelings but he thought of providing his future child with the best gene pool as possible so his child can flourish. it's a damn ego busting for katsuki but deku was clearly a man on a mission.

katsuki hesitated and thought what it would mean to have a child out there who carry a lil part of him in them; it's unnerving and humbling at the same time. he never thought of it himself but deku had dream of this, wanted this so badly enough to beg katsuki for help.

"alright," he said finally, not knowing exactly what compelled him to agree, but the look of utter happiness spreading across deku's face as he can barely contain his joy. a single word from him had caused deku's word to shift and rearranged itself to make room for another life.

and that's how katsuki got con into helping izuku make a baby lol. but, really katsuki was the one who agreed to it out of his own will bc he's an idiot & also terribly whipped; omegas are the ones ppl should be frighten of bc once they make up their mind it's hard to move them. they're an unstoppable force, something to be reckon w/ esp when that omega is the no.1 hero who fought his way to the top of the rankings and maintain that status quo for many years despite how many times katsuki tried to topple him from that perch LOL.

katsuki already lost the war before he'd even put a foot down on battlefront the moment deku'd opened his mouth & demanded his sperm AND HE KNEW IT TOO. so that was how katsuki found himself preparing to empty his balls in front of a two-way mirror in a mating clinic bc of deku. omegas, esp males, are the most fertile when they're in heat & when an alpha go in a rut, but the both of them have this arrangment that's more of a duty than any feelings involve bc they cant risk getting mix up in the hormones. this is for deku & his future child!!! so the clinic had prepared a large room w/ two way dividing mirrors& open air vents circulating b/t the two rooms so they can breathe in each other scene where deku can have his heat on one side and katsuki can watch BUT NOT TOUCH and get his rut on so he can produce sperm.

it's uh, not supposed to be v sexy since it's all clinical & shit but bakudeku being bakudeku they nearly tear the room apart to get to each other in heat/rut madnes. deku had blushed earlier as he asked to be bind with quirk restrictions cuff just in case he go crazy which HE DID. at first the nurses there was more worry about katsuki going crazy and out of control bc he has been known to fall pretty high on the alpha aggression and they fear it would be katsuki who would be dangerous; BUT NOPE it's deku all all along who almost broke the REINFORCED MIRROR just so he can get to katsuki!!!! DEKU WHO PPL SOMETIMES FORGET IS LIKE THE NO. 1 HERO FOR A REASON. soft and sweet deku who single handedly can fuck you up with just his fingers if he want to. he's an omega on a mission and he wants that knot up his ass AND HE WANTS IT NOW.

the nurses & docs have to use everything in their toolkit to pull bakudeku apart. when it's all said and done, katsuki embarrassingly produce buckets of cum enough to last deku a looooooong long time if the first one didn't take lol while deku couldn't look at katsuki in the eyes. they are both horridly embarrass about their 'not mating' and their action toward each other there even though they never actually touch each other through out the whole heat/rut procedure. despite the fact that they DIDN'T HAVE ANY SEX, it was still the hottest exp for both.

katsuki never seen more more feral and fierce omega who nearly broke the entire room just to get to him, in that moment if katsuki wasn't in love already he would have been half way there and izuku didn't expect KATSUKI AT ALL. the way he had handle izuku was completely diff. in izuku's heat fever, katsuki was the lone anchor who'd provided him grounding. he tried to calm deku down from his ramp up hormones even though he was as clearly affected as deku. forceful but not unforgiving, commanding not unyielding, firm but gentle.

it was electric.

it was as though izuku was a wild animal unleashed and katsuki managed to tamed him and he never had even had to raise a single finger to do it. it was all in his words that cut through izuku's hazy feverish wants and desires. the kind of alpha that made deku's knees weak.

after that, they have wordless mutual agreement to never talk about it. deku got the sperms he wanted and katsuki had finally fullfiedd his obligation and isn't responsible for deku or his future child. HE'S DONE. they dont have anything to do w/ each other anymore. RIGHT??? ha.

it's funny bc izuku had his hope on a child but didn't think it would take so soon! he'd thought he would fail a few times first before he get really lucky w/ conception bc of his age now that he's older, this 'psuedo mating' can't replace real mating, & biology is fucking weird. even the fertility doc couldn't promise this procedure to insert bkg's sperm in him when he's still got in a heat fever will work 100% and if they fail, they have to wait for another HEAT to come before it could work. which mean months of waiting in b/t so izuku is desperate. BUT it took one try. THAT'S ALL IT TOOK as izuku anxiously waited for the news in next couple of weeks. he took at home pregnacy tests and when hall 3 results were positive he'd cried and called his mom but even then he didn't tell anyone bc he was so scare it just was a fluke.

he'd kept this secret until he finally got the visit to his doc and could get the firm confirmation he needed! when the doc revealed that he was indeed pregnant, izuku fell to his knees in relief bc finally, FINALLY, his dream of having a baby had came true. he's a father now!!

the doc had warned that the first trimester would be rough on him bc of his age and miscarriage is more likely for him than most male omega. maybe he should consider taking an early pregnacy leave bc of the danger his job poses to him & the unborn baby. deku had agonized over it. ultimately, he decided to continue w/ his hero work but won't take on as much stuff as before. he plans to be more careful & attentive to his safety, and defer his more dangerous work to his colleagues instead. all his friends and coworkers go out of their way to help him w/ this

izuku got an entire community of heroes WHO DO THEIR BEST TO ENSURE HIS PREGNACY GO SMOOTHLY bc look izuku may be doing this alone but HE'S NOT ACTUALLY ALONE bc he got his friends, colleagues, and mom to support him through this bc they know how much this means to him!!

katsuki was one of the last to find out but only bc deku plan to see him in person to tell him bc katsuki HAD GIVEN HIM ONE OF THE BEST GIFTS (beside OFA) and he wanted to thank katsuki in person but class A are a bunch of gossip mongers so he found out through their groupchat. it started as a joke about katsuki & his super seed bc what a fucking stud bakugou katsuki to have ONE TRY and is able to knocked izuku up so quickly lmao. w/e the fuck katsuki is doing or eating, apparently it works wonder for him bc one of his sperm luck out & hit jackpot. his so called friends cant stop ribbing into him for knocking up deku so quickly bc they know from deku's worry that it wasn't going to be an easy conception but IT'S BAKUGOU KATSKUKI, outdoing himself once more bc he never does anything by half, not even his own sperm lol.

izuku met up with katsuki right outside his agency bc he knew wassup and how to corner katsuki effectively by trapping him when he just high off his patrol when he least expect an ambush esp when he was too busy avoiding izuku's attempts to reach him bc of COMPLICATED FEELS.

it's not cowardice that kept katsuki away, but izuku was the source of all his confusing feelings already & now w/ the news that he's carrying katsuki's child now it'd gotten worst. izuku, though, was nothing if not persistent. he zeroed in katsuki right away w/ purposeful steps.

"kacchan, i'm so glad to meet you here," izuku says as though he hadn't coordinate this w/ katsuki's coworkers, who are all SOFT for izuku anyway lmao, to get katsuki alone JUST LIKE THIS. katsuki knew he was caught bc every one his friends & colleagues are FUCKING TRAITORS.

"what," he snapped, clenching the hands at his side as he tried to keep his gaze from izuku's still very flat tummy. it's weird to think a life was quickly taking shape there when it's not like izuku looked any diff but he smiling more brightly & warmth coming from his person. was this what they call the pregnancy glow? bc deku was fucking blinding that katsuki wanted to shove his hand to deku's face to block it out.

"what you want," he demanded again even tho they both know why deku was here.

unperturbed, deku smiled. "im pregnant now so thank you. you'd helped fulfilled one of my biggest dreams & im ever so grateful for it!" he continued, rocking happily back & forth on his heels but the words barely registered katsuki kept staring at the way deku's body swing out & he opened his mouth before he could think better of it.

"should you be even moving liek that ?" he asked BC SINCE FINDING OUT IZUKU IS PREGNANT HE LOST HIS MIND. as soon as the words left his mouth he knew he was a dead man walking.

izuku leveled him a glare so fierce that he actually took a step back w/ chills running up his back. "kacchan i may be pregnant but im not an invalid," izuku said with the sharp edge of a smile and thinly veiled steel in his voice. the scariest part was that he hadn't drop a single smile but the ominous threas was there. "do you want me to show you how much of not invalid i am?"

katsuki scowled, face pinching at the thought whether this was just the usual deku's bs or this was deku's bs + the pregnancy hormones that get him so rile up. either way, katsuki no matter how much of an ass he was, he wasn't going to punch a pregnant omega to prove a point.

"fine, that was dumb sorry," he said, scratching the back of his ear in annoyance. "so was that all you wanted to say?"

deku's eyes crinkle in amusement as katsuki's scowl deepens. "yea, i just wanted you to hear the news from me personally and expressed my thanks."

"i'll take good care of them," he said softly, a stray hand caressing his stomach carefully. "I promise i'll be good to them so you dont have to worry."

katsuki paused and then, "I know," he said bc he does. deku was going to be a good parent w/o a doubt. That is a truth.

deku's eyes light up at katsuki's words and there was a hint of wetness in them that katsuki had the unnerving fear that he was going to cry right here and katsuki's entire agency going to charge out & murder him for making a pregnant omega, THE PREGNANT OMEGA DEKU cry in public.

"t-thank you," he sniffs, but THANKFULLY NO ACTUAL CRYING INVOLE, "it makes me so happy to hear that you in believe me. i won't fail you, i swear!" he said it like he was making a vow for world peace or some shit bc of how serious it had sounded but this was important to him.

"yea, okay," katsuki said, looking away bc got this entire conversation was agonizing bc here he was talking to the person, but not JUST ANY RANDOM PERSON, who is carrying a baby w/ half of katsuki's dna & they're not fucking each other. like,,, that's fucking weird okay.

"that's all i wanted to say," deku told him, fully aware how uncomfortable this talk was making him, "so I won't bother you anymore." he gave one last smile and turned to go but KATSUKI WHO SHOULD HAVE LET IT END THERE found himself opening his mouth and grabbing deku by the arm.

it was careful, a firm but gentle hand placed his forearm like deku was glass that stopped him for a moment. "if--if," katsuki said, swallowing around a stone in his throat, "you find yourself needing anything, call me ok? ANYTHING i dont care just call me and i'll be there."

a slow but the brightest fucking smile he had ever seen bloom on deku's flushed face. "ok, i'll let you know," he replied, bc this was KATSUKI PUTING HIMSELF OUT THERE AND WANTING TO GET INVOLVE IN IZUKU'S PREGNACY even tho deku had given him a clean break from it. HE CHOSE THIS.

katsuki doesn't know what he was thinking then but the words slipped passed his guard before he can stop it & now he fucking doomed himself, doom himself to 3am late night calls of deku crying in hysteric at his home bc he ran out of some rare hard to find fruit bc CRAVINGS. so now katsuki had to dragged himself all the way across town to hunt for this shit. the morning news of that day was hero ground zero harrassing shopkeeper in the FUCKING ASS'S OCLOCK FOR SOME FRUIT AND DEMANDING IT NOW FOR W/E REASON, WHILE LOOKING SO FURIOUS & UNHINGED.

look, it's not like deku doesn't have an entire network of ppl to reach out to if he ever needed anything bc they would even laid down their life for him but even when he's cursing a storm trying to get deku's his midnight craving, he's so relief it's him that deku called first. besides, he firmly knew wut he had signed up for the moment he had opened his mouth. offering is help in the pregnancy process was him choosing to get involve and commit to deku & his (god fucking damn shit, he can't think of it as *theirs* bc that's too dangerous) baby. and bc this is bakugou katsuki and he never does any by halves so even though he may have been reluctant at first but now that he's firmly on board he's going in full throttle w/ no break in sight. katsuki dumps all his $$ on pregnacy & prenatal care books.

he read papers, argued on pregnancy forum, & even harassed his parents on it just so he can come at this like a fucking boss bc while he has full faith in deku to put the safety of the fetus first but also HE DOESN'T FUCKING TRUST DEKU TO PUT HIMSELF FIRST which is just as import. deku has the self-preservation of a damn child & he can't expect a *child* to take care of himself so KATSUKI OBVIOUSLY GOT TO DO IT FOR HIM. so he make diet plans, prepare prep meals for deku ahead of them, annoyed deku's coworkers to watch out for him lest he does something stupid. he make it his firm mission that this pregnancy will go smoothly as possible so even when he's running errands for deku, getting his weird ass food craving, and taking deku to visit his ob-gyn, sitting in the waiting room anxiously for any news in case SOMETHING GO WRONG.

He even drives himself crazy learning about the things a pregnant person can't do/is at risk of doing & he doesn't know how anyone can fucking take this for 10 months bc it's like walking on a precarious tight rope. it's scary & humbling and he just want deku & the baby to be ok.

there are still crimes and villains to wrangle, and the world keeps on spinning; nothing really change all that much now that deku's pregnant but katsuki finds himself personally accolating his precious time and energy toward deku & the baby. he became one of those *PEOPLE*, ugh. he never got it even when his friends had popped out spawns of their own. he wasn't going to get dragged down by biology & all that general bullshit about settling down. he's at the top of his game & prize to take over deku's position as no.1. he got no time for playing family.

yet here he is standing in the middle of a fucking baby store, staring down a damn baby crib and having a melt down. who the fuck knew that baby cribs come in so many fucking versions and THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY OF THEM. he thought he had come prepare but no this was toughs shit. he only saw this store in passing while on a patrol & thought he should drop by but the next thing he knew he got trapped here for three fucking hours just looking at baby cribs. he already got several people walking passed him, eyeing him weirdly as he internally freak out.

there are ridiculous amount of info floating on the internet about crib buying guide like the bars could only be certain inches apart, non-toxic paints, diff kind of mattress, safe headboards, etc etc. all of that to ensure the baby doesn't fucking DIE bc babies are like FRAGILE.

he calls deku & as soon as he picks up, the first thing katsuki says is, "last year, there were 1,842 babies death due to sudden infant death syndrome."

a long pointed pause, and then, "oh geez," deku answers, "where are you? I'll be right there, okay? don't go anywhere!"

#bakudeku #not!fic #sperm donor au

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thebachelordiaries · 6 years

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“Sage Advice And Sage Vaginas:” The Bachelorette Premiere Recap

We are officially back! It feels good to be back. I’ve missed being excited on Mondays. I’ve missed my little Twitter family. I’ve missed the memes and the endless sh*t talking. But most of all, I’ve missed seeing the man who I consider my second father: Chris Harrison.

Now let’s just jump right into it.

The episode begins with Becca crying while looking at pictures of her and Arie. I don’t know how producers got her to cry, but I’m pretty sure Becca has now realized just how lucky she is to have been dumped by Arie.

She’s done crying. Now it’s time for Becca to pick her head up and live out her new destiny as The Bachelorette.

As the wise artist Ariana Grande one said.

Ain't got no tears left to cry So I'm pickin' it up, pickin' it up I'm lovin', I'm livin', I'm pickin' it up

She’s now The Bachelorette, and women ledes always have the most success with choosing the right partner. As JoJo said later on in the episode,

“One hundred percent, women are more intuitive and know what they want.”

Can I get a hell yeah for the superior gender?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, can psychologists do a case study on a woman’s intuition? And if it’s already been done, please slide the scholarly article into my DMs. Thank you in advance.

Look at this Minnesotean snow princess. I am shook.

Can you imagine having such a compelling storyline from being dumped by your fiance for someone else that producers just skim over the fact that your father died of a brain tumor and your mother has battled cancer? This girl has been through too much. If she doesn’t find happiness, all of Bachelor Nation will revolt. And I will be leading the way.

Becca wants a man who is as loyal and loving as her dad was to her mom. She deserves this and nothing less. Can we find this woman a man? Let’s do the damn thing.

(That is the first and last time I will ever say that phrase.)

Becca also has a sister and a corgi nephew, who made a very subtle appearance in the premiere episode. However, it must not go unnoticed.

Follow this little loaf of bread on Instagram: max_in_madison

Becca is then magically transported from Minnesota to LA, where she is seen driving a convertible along the coast of the Pacific.

At the Bachelor Mansion, she gets some sage advice from the last three Bachelorettes: Rachel, JoJo and Kaitlyn.

Rachel lit up some sage to get rid of the “bad juju” in the mansion.

"I’m going to sage your pu**y.” -Rachel

This was the first time the people giving advice were actually still in Bachelor-related relationships. It’s like The Bachelorette is becoming more successful with time. I approve.

What I didn’t approve of was that Kaitlyn got no airtime.

Hello, 911? I’d like to report that Kaitlyn Bristowe was ROBBED of airtime during The Bachelorette premiere.

Video Intros

Every season ABC selectively chooses which men we should get to know in their video package intros. We met seven men. That seems like a lot, but here’s what I learned.

Clay— He’s not a regular jock. He’s a sensitive jock.

Garrett—He did a Chris Farley impression without explicitly stating he was doing one, which probably confused 95 percent of all viewers, including myself. Garrett likes doing outdoors stuff. The rest of his personality is hot air. This is everything you could ever want or need to know about Garrett.

Jordan— He has a unique (re: dumb) way of describing things, but I’m grateful for him because he’s going to be entertaining us for about 60 percent of the season in his ITMs.

Lincoln— I take back whatever I said about him being attractive for having an accent. Listening to his voice has made me iron deficient. Brb, going to go chew on some ice now.

Joe— Joe owns a grocery store, a million-watt smile and a heart of gold. I’m in love.

Jean Blanc— He low-key shaded Trump by saying Haiti is not a “sh*t h*le.” He also has an obsession with smelling things and spending lots of money on material items. He seems ok.

Colton— I’m suspicious of Colton. He’s too ready-made for The Bachelorette: he’s handsome, athletic, loves his dog, owns a nonprofit, allegedly a virgin. Where are his flaws?

I spoke too soon. What in Chris Harrison’s name is he wearing?

Top Limo Entrances

Leo released his beautiful curly mane to Becca with the line of “let’s let our hair down.” First thing Becca said to him were the words every male suitor wants to hear from a woman: “You have hair like my sister!”

She’s not wrong, though.

Nick came out the limo in a racecar driver suit, clearly making an Arie reference. He asked “what kind of a**hole wears something like this?” and ripped off the outfit to reveal his perfectly tailored suit. I know people were saying it’s in poor taste to bring up Becca’s ex, but I found it hilarious. I thought I was going to dislike Nick because he looks like a huge tool, but it turns out I have a giant crush on him BECAUSE he looks like a huge tool. Nick is the kind of guy you date because you secretly want to emotionally punish yourself. I’m ready for you to ruin my life, Nick. You know where you can find me.

Trent energetically (which is ironic in itself) jumped out the back of a hearse with the line of “Oh my god Becca. When I found out you were The Bachelorette, I literally died.” He was possibly the most “alive” person to ever come out of a hearse.

Garrett pulled up in a minivan with all the equipment necessary for “soccer dad duties.” Producers really are trying to give him an edge. He would be one of the more loved guys this season because of editing if it wasn’t for his giant Instagram fuck up.

Bachelor Mansion Highlights and Lowlights

The Highs

Christon, a former Harlem Globetrotter, jumped over Becca while dunking a basketball. And he did so with all the other guys watching.

I enjoyed this angle because you get to see the large amount of cameras used during filming.

Jake getting sent home. I CALLED IT in my “first impressions” review, that him and Becca have probably already met, further proving my theory that attractive people in the same city all know each other. Becca said her and Jake were “acquaintances” and met on “several occasions,” but Jake was unsure if she would remember him since they only met once, alluding to the fact that he may live the majority of his life in a blackout drunk state. As a way to convince Becca to change her mind and keep him around, he said he had a “very transformative year,” whatever that means. Becca was having NONE. OF. IT. and sent his ass home back to Minneapolis. The Bachelorette probably wasn’t for him anyway, especially since production has implemented an alcohol limit.

Blake and Becca had a pretty deep conversation for night one. Blake talked about how his last serious relationship ending abruptly. He said, “If I was able to love the wrong person that much, how much would I be able to love the right person?” Every female on Earth, including Becca agreed with this Tumblr-worthy quote. However, Blake was scammed out of a First Impression Rose by Garrett, who drove up in a minivan and taught Becca how to flyfish in the Bachelor Mansion pool. Blake, you got the First Impression Rose in my eyes, you adorable sweetheart, you.

Jordan’s presence was just an entire highlight reel. As Kaitlyn Bristowe said on her podcast, he has “Jordan-isms.” Some of my favorite ones were:

“People are already going home on the first night.”

“If I don’t get a rose tonight, it would be the biggest upset of all time.”

And in general, him just being offended by everyone’s outfits.

Follow me on Twittter, @thebachdiaries

The Lows

David/ “Chicken Guy.” I just wasn’t a fan. Dressing up in a costume and saying “Be-CAW” isn’t a personality trait. Also, he looks like the real-life version of the Instagram filter that makes your mouth appear too big for your face.

“Wrong Reasons Police” Chris. Speaking of being creeped out. Chris is the new Iggy of this season: unlikeable, doesn’t belong here, won’t go away and loves to snitch. He’s the “wrong reasons” police, but I can’t really picture someone who takes selfies looking like Derek Zoolander being here for the right reasons. Also his recently-changed Instagram name used to be c_dome, which just creeps me out. If you don’t know what “dome” means, Urban Dictionary is your friend.

The newly implemented alcohol limit was a big lowlight for me. Where were the drunk guys jumping into the pools? We’re going to need someone who says and does stupid things without any sort of inhibitor. Oh wait, we have Jordan. I’m pretty certain he was sober on the first night as he briefly mentioned that Chicken Guy almost got “feathers in his coffee.” Oh the ol’ days of drunken contestants will be missed. Forever in our hearts.

Rose Ceremony

All I need to say here is that Grocery Bae Joe from Chicago went home and the internet has never been more upset about a contestant being sent home night one. He already has about 45K followers on Instagram. If ABC doesn’t bring him to paradise, I will immediately sell all the stock I’ve invested into their company. (Except I don’t invest or even know how to do that crap. But I would if I did because It would just be a terrible business decision to not bring Joe to Paradise.)

Some Takeaways

I can tell Garret and Blake are going to go pretty far based on night one. Based on the season preview, it appears Jason and Colton will go far as well. That literally just might be the final four. However, I don’t follow spoilers, so don’t be that person who tells me what happens.

I also have a feeling Lincoln might be this season’s villain. Only time will tell how that will play out.

Speaking of Colton, he is allegedly a virgin. However, virginity is a social construct, so anyone can be a virgin if they really believe in themselves. I mean, this franchise has created the most famous fake virgin of all time: Sean Lowe. So sure, Colton’s a virgin.

#Justiceforgrocerystorejoe #grocery store joe #the bachelorette #becca kufrin #abc #chris harrison #colton underwood #photo credit: ABC

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stefinatelychen · 4 years

Text

I didn't have much of a chance to stock up on food like most others were doing before the effects of Covid-19 started hitting the United States and things started shutting down/changing over here because I was working so much. The rest of my family is in Southern California, and they had stocked up beforehand because they work normal daytime hours and they have each other to depend on.

Beyond that, my brother-in-law has always been a bit neurotic and has always prepared for worst case scenarios -- so he was one of the people hoarding tons of water, toilet paper, and canned food at Costco prior to the mandates for social distancing. I thought that he was being paranoid (because he has a history of being paranoid) and because I was so damn busy working, I didn't really dig into what was going on with COVID-19. I had read SOME articles that were part of a series called "The Coronavirus Diaries" on Slate yet still it all seemed distant.

It wasn't until my sister urged me to stock up on food that I did -- and I did a pretty minimal amount of stocking up for three main reasons: I still wasn't taking it too seriously (I thought that if anything, my reason for not being able to access food would be because people were panic-buying, and that that would settle down over time), I was too broke to stock up on much (I work in the service industry - most of us live paycheck to paycheck), and a lot of the hoarders had taken out a lot of the food that I normally buy.

About a month and a half (maybe two) prior to the point where people started panic-buying at the grocery stores in my city, I had started experimenting with eating vegetarian -- sort of on a whim, after watching Okja (which was also a random spontaneous decision). There are several reasons to go veggie/vegan: ethical reasons (loving animals, loving the planet), health and nutritional reasons, reasons related to grossness/cleanliness/neuroticism, etc. I see validity in all of those but in all honesty, much of what I do in life is random more than anything. I like absurdity, I like challenging myself to do something that the 5-year-younger version of me would never have thought I would do (moving to Austin, TX from Los Angeles was another one of those spontaneous, absurd choices - a high school/college me saw me nowhere else but on the coasts or somewhere foreign, working towards a career in the arts rather than working full time in the service industry in the middle of the country). So I thought, "vegetarianism - why not now? Okay, now it is." It would astound my mom if she knew -- 8 year old me was always picking all the meat out of the dishes she served, and she had raised us to be carnivores.

Anyhow, it was actually good timing to go vegetarian. By the time I was used to eating vegetarian and no longer craved meat (in fact, I find veggie meats to be more delicious and interesting tasting now... but that's probably because I taste fatigue on all things easily -- from jobs to music to food to drinks to even a good amount of people -- so this may be yet another phase), the panic-buyers were clearing out all the meats in the grocery stores. The only things left were vegetarian and vegan meats. So no problem there at first - I stocked up on all sorts of veggie meats from both the fresh and frozen sections (Beyond Burgers, Dr. Praeger's, Gardein, Morningstar, BOCA...).

Veggies were hard to find - even in the frozen section. I wound up settling for a very ordinary bag of GOYA's frozen carrot-corn-pea medley. I also bought ice cream for the first time in months (probably because the shopping experience at HEB was so stressful -- there were still a lot of people in there and some people weren't trying to stay 6 feet away from anybody at all, and there was a weird energy to the entire store... plus grocery shopping has always been a stressful thing in the past for me because (1) people are generally so spatially unaware, and it annoys me and (2) I am the worst decision-maker ever because I am overly analytical to the point where decisions wear me out, AND I am prone to marketing (packaging, "sale" markers, strategic price points, etc.) so I have to do a lot of filter-ing/second guessing and will myself to listen to the things I remember from psychology books about marketing/decision-making). The groceries I picked up weren't TOO different from what my normal run has been like for the past few months, with the exception of toilet paper and pasta (because there was none left of either).

I deliberately chose not to get snacks because I knew that I'd be home all the time, and I'd feel compelled to boredom eat, and if it was there I would most definitely consume it. I settled for ice cream and cereal as dessert items for when I was really craving some sugary-stress treats for when PMS would hit.

Everyone was buying milk - but luckily for me, I switched to oat milk a year or so ago and have loved it more than any other milk (almond, dairy, coconut, walnut, soy).

Before COVID-19, I was often the only roommate at home during the daytime. I'm pretty introverted at home. I'm outgoing a lot of times outside of my home and work, so a lot of people don't assume this. But home is my sanctuary - it is my place to recharge. I deliberately chose to work night hours at a bar when I first started living here because I loved having the apartment to myself as often as possible. I absolutely love cooking and find it meditative -- but only when there is nobody else around. I'm not a fan of talking to people while I'm focused on the food, or of even being around anyone. For whatever reason, it turns the experience of cooking from a meditative/relaxing act to a stressful one for me. So I used to cook a lot more before the mandates to stay home, and I was really taking my time in the kitchen (and enjoying having the entire space of our tiny kitchen to myself) - taking pleasure in mincing garlic, chopping vegetables, boiling water, cooking pasta... letting the smells fill the room... sometimes listening to a podcast while I cooked, or just listening to the soothing sounds of boiling water, crackling oil, sizzling sauteed vegetables, the knife on the chopping board... it was so simply therapeutic.

Then my roommate started working at home a little over a week ago. I just can't spend time in the kitchen anymore. He brought home his 3-monitor computer setup from work, and it doesn't fit in his room (he mentioned that he had to clean out his room first before putting his computer setup in there, but now I think he's just resolved to stay in the common area) so he's now permanently camped out on our dining table in the common area. We have an open set-up where the living room, dining room, and kitchen are all one big shared area, so there is no real privacy once you leave your room. He has become a permanent fixture of that space, and now when I leave my room, he is never not there.

Most of the time, I do not feel like interacting because I am (1) cranky from not going out much and having my balance of seeing the world, seeing other individuals, and (2) he is (endearing but...) a chronic talker. He is one of those people who feels compelled to fill the empty air with empty speech - small talk that is well-meaning but damaging to the psyche of a cranky, hyper-sensory, internet-dwelling girl like me who doesn't want to talk to anyone until she's ready (it's ok, I know I'm not sunshine and flowers), especially at 10 AM in the morning.

He is probably harmless to most other people but to me, I just don't have the capacity to process him yet sometimes (a lot of times) when all I want is to go to the kitchen to grab water and hydrate without talking to anyone. I'm just not a patient person, and I'm too passive to the self-crippling point. I also don't hate people, and have the knee-jerk tendency to want to express care and let everyone be heard even if I am dying inside and will hate both them and myself after-the-fact for a passionate 15-40 minutes. Yes, I'm aware that it’s a problem.

</journal>

#writtenaboutaweekago #words #covid19diaries #coronavirus #austintx

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duckbeater · 3 years

Text

Courtship, pt. 3

Knowing the internet is infinite compels me to write as I please, but especially about the things in romance that mystify me, without fear that I’m somehow adding to the world’s wrongheaded glut of blogposts about love and strife. They cannot all be wrong. Such themes are eternal. They are besides, conveniently, what I return to write about. —The Editors

—

I already discussed this with my friend Peter, so if it has the air of summary that’s because it is. I’m trying to remember what we said about A, my ex’s current boyfriend who I’ve been obsessing over. The usual reasons obtain: he’s hot, he’s a cop, he’s tolerant. They’re open now, apparently, and their parents have met, making things feel luxurious and stable. In painful contrast, my boyfriend has not told his parents I exist at all.

My ex and I remain, somehow, on good or I should say better terms, now that I’m not living with him in a romantic partnership. We exist to each other in our phones, as a text thread unpunctuated by in-person digests. We send mostly innocuous updates about our respective cats. We try to be helpful—for instance, when I lost my job, Dan (I’ll use his name, it’s stupid not to), Dan called immediately to help me with the particulars of filing for unemployment benefits. We discussed, drunk one night, my feeling “erased” (to use the queer therapeutic vernacular) by Scotty during Pride month. “I would like to show up more on his Instagram stories and get photo credits on the hot pics he posts to Facebook,” I whined. “In a year and a half of dating, he’s shown my face twice. In one I was wearing a mask.” The specific things I help Dan with involve encouraging him now in his minor hypochondriasis (“I really think you should get that checked out—after three days? Definitely.”) and coaching him through sexual difficulties (threesomes, hemorrhoids). He seems like a better, more well-adjusted person now that I’m situated at a benevolent remove. He sent me a picture of his hand the other week, for me to admire the skin around his forefinger and thumb. Tan pink, all healed up, no violently chewed down nails or hangnails. His fingers used to be so frightfully eaten apart he joked about wiping blood on clients when he went in for a handshake. “I’m a lot less anxious now,” he noted.

Everything I think could be wrong. But my sense is that Dan became a whole person again. I’m a facet of that wholeness. Yes, it took a lot of brutal struggle and artless negotiation and my own bizarre fragmentation to get us where we’re at, but he came out whole, and now I’m an odd prop or property of that success and from the outside now, I feel the truth of it in my bones. I’m accepting the limits of my place within that wholeness by practicing some form of “unconditional love,” as explained on the Waxahatchee episode of Song Exploder. (Peter, for his part, did tell me that “unconditional love” doesn’t need to describe supporting another person’s every action. “It doesn’t mean you have to live with that person,” he said.) Regardless of its clarity, the unconditional love I’m practicing makes a lot of room for disappointment, it’s medium may entirely comprise disappointment, and my belief is that this disappointment will settle into a kind of suffering grace that will eventually settle into something I inure myself to and notice not at all, like the habitual minor irritation of moving my car for street cleaning or the ongoing weird expensiveness of my phone bill. Hot soup, summer nights, lost love.

I blocked Dan on Instagram a while back, along with most of his friends. (Those friends I did not block, I muted.) I didn’t want to see him in his life on accident. In fact I still don’t and it’s a persistent worry that I’ll run into him downtown (we work in neighboring high-rises) or intersect at the beach or a bar. Imagining seeing him in his life again freezes my blood. I visited his parents late in May, surely an expression of grief and love, and felt the whole while the sadness of driving to Oak Park alone. I did so without music, without a podcast, with no outside aural distraction to save me from thinking about the number of fights we had about music and podcasts on the drive. We fought another time about the irresponsibility of my holding a credit balance of $600. He turned my frugality (if that’s what it was—I had $1,400 in checking at the time, and blowing $600 of that on one payment felt dire) into a point about our futurity. That my shitty financial stewardship reflected poorly on our romantic prospects, because if my money ran out, I’d “give up Chicago” and abandon him. It did not signify, and I still think about money in weird, unhelpful ways, but slowly paying down $600 did not mean I didn’t believe in us, that I was sabotaging our shared life together. We had a screaming match parked outside his parent’s house and in the heat of the moment I told him that to save him from paying a single red cent toward my poor, fucked-up retirement, I’d kill myself at sixty-five with a shotgun. “Oh cool!” he shouted back. “And void your life insurance policy?” Somehow he won the larger argument and I paid, maliciously, the full balance down, there in the car, and he sapped and I charred, we crumbled together into the house for his sister’s birthday. We seemed always to be entering the house in Oak Park panting. I had to on drives beware annihilation, and it’s true that driving through the city even now turns me into a bitch and a werewolf. Anyway. I’d forgotten how passive I was in conversations with his mom and dad—how I needed Dan to shepherd the flow of our talk. I didn’t stay long.

So while Dan sees only what I share with him, his boyfriend, A, looks at my Instagram story with some regularity. Indeed, he has elected that I share with him what I share with everyone else. Not everyday (annoyingly). Not even every week on X day. He trends toward my weekend updates but seems just as likely to search me out on a Monday as a Thursday, and will go up to a month without peeping at all. There have been evenings where he checks in at intervals, tracking updates more or less in real time. (Is it ugly that I know this?) Other nights he gathers what he can in one sweep and leaves whatever’s next until another hour, weeks away, when he visits again.

What is it? Boredom? Insecurity? I know this is genre fare of the accidentally-liking-your-ex’s-new-boyfriend’s-family-vacation-photo variety, still I find his behavior baffling. Also consuming. I find it erotic, too, because he sees me sometimes as I’m performing erotic—my shirtless torso, sweaty after a run. Ostensibly my target, or even uber-target audience, when A catches me on a very good day, say when I’ve been outgoing, intellectual, odd, funny, wild and attractive, I have the sense of meeting him—meeting the man who replaced me—at my best; of inhabiting, if that’s possible, the best version of myself that Dan has told him about, and even meeting A in a capacity that surprises him because it contradicts what he’s been led to believe about me at my worst. Maybe even especially the good things hit different, when he sees me in my life on my terms, cringe content and all.

I told Peter I think it’s exquisite that A, who does not follow me, types my name into his phone to find me, spells out e-v-a-n, but Peter, correctly, said it’s more likely A only needs to tap e to bring me to the top in the search bar. Does A sometimes hover over me, making a choice? Does he ever swipe out, lock his screen, and pocket me for another night? A long time ago, when I was similarly lovesick, I imagined a technology that let you know someone is thinking about you, someone is drafting you an email they won’t send, a text that gets lost, and the frequency of their thoughts. I can’t tell if such an apparatus would make people more heartbroken or less. If you opted into the notifications, whose would you want to receive?

I have no interaction with this person other than the pixel flag that shows me he saw my story. I see his little eye icon and can press through to his private profile, where I go no farther, where, in the general asymmetry of police and civilian relations, I am the one exposed and surveilled and he is hidden. I really don’t care about that though. That tack is baiting, first, but second I think it’s incorrect. Perhaps strangely, I choose to believe that A likes me. Preventing him from outright following me, or anyway extending a hello, are the standard holdovers of ex-versus-new boyfriend decorum. That we’ve shared struggles (dating Dan), and that our commonality ends with his being the better at it somehow leads me to respect him, and even feel love toward him, because—at his benevolent remove—he’s taking care of someone I tried very hard to hold onto.

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wastedwishesandhope · 6 years

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Woebegone

Too much used to the feeling of being the center of attraction. Of being the main article in every headlines. To be the main topic in each online contents and television news. But this particular subject for being the talk of the town never justified the nervous breakdowns they almost had for the passed week. Their life seems stuck up in a maze without an exit. The everyday routine has ruined and the regular schedule for photo shoots, dance practices, music composing and guesting has been excluded for these past schedules. They mostly spend their day inside their dorm, with high- scale securities, yet no means of communication. Members felt like they have gone bonkers already. It was the command from the upper level and they can’t react against it.

Park Jimin looked up at the wall clock. Thirty minutes left before the van arrives to pick them up. Today will be the second session of hearing regarding the murder case against the idol to present more evidences and of course to fight back with their alibis. And until now, he couldn’t grasp how shitty it was that he’s literally waiting for somebody who could sentenced him either for a life imprisonment or worse, death sentence.

But he gives zero fucks about it. He’s concerned more for his princess safety. It’s already a month since the last time he had talked to her. He couldn’t find a way to escape from their dorm especially now that he’s extremely weak and hungry for blood. He even had to lock himself up inside their bedroom to avoid any human contact. He doesn’t want to snap and kill all his members. He tried to sneak out their phones that the managers had kept, but they did a very good job to hide it all. Park Jimin felt he’ll lose sanity anytime soon.

He’s just so worried for Anna.

The bedroom door cracked open. He saw Kim Taehyung looking at him through the space between the door and the door frame.

“They’re here,” he said in a sad voice.

Park Jimin smiled back at him and gets up from the bed. He walked closer to the door to open it all the way.

Chuckling he said, “You look more worried than me. This aint gonna be the death of me,”

Kim Taehyung frowned at him. “How come you can still crack a joke in these serious moments? We wouldn’t know what will happen! We couldn’t know what if. . . what if they will screw you and they’ll find out about your real. . .” he trails off. “. . . the real you.”

For once, Park Jimin felt the need to be his best friend guardian again. He remembered all those days how he was looking out for him to make sure he was safe. There he realized that Kim Taehyung is still a young boy.

He pats his head and ruffles his hair.

“Do you think I would be this calm if I didn’t know how this thing will go until the end?” he asked. Taehyung just looked up at him with his innocent eyes. “Taehyung, this isn’t the first time that the entire human race had once tried to bring us down. To bring me down. I am used to it, and as long I know all of you are safe—the Bangtan, your family, you, and Anna—I don’t need to be scared to anything. This shall pass, too.”

Taehyung just heaved a deep sigh, when Park Jimin walked passed him he stopped him one more time.

“Why you can’t just compel them? Remove all their memories and pretend this has never happened? Why can’t you just do that so we don’t need to go all through this?”

Jimin turned around to look back at him. “I can do that. Yes. But that’s only possible if internet and social media hasn’t discovered yet. Taehyung, the estimated audience who knows about this controversy wasn’t just inside Korea, but the whole world as it is. The last time I tried to compel an accumulating millions of people were when Anna’s picture surfaced around the internet. Remember when she slapped me? And you know what happened right? I almost died that time. And for the record, I haven’t completely removed those memories from their minds like 100%. Still somebody out there probably remembers fragments of memories about that huge scandal. And let’s not talk about how weak I am now. I don’t wanna dare to meddle to somebody’s fate again. If they’re destined to die, then let them die. I don’t want to take advantage of it again. It’ll never be justifiable. And nobody would either believe me.”

Kim Taehyung just looked down. The expression on his face literally could tell how scared he was. And he couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t even think of any possible ideas to protect his friend.

Jimin opened his mouth again. “And don’t you dare to use Anna again to feed me. We’re just all lucky I am unconscious that time, `coz if not, I might could have killed her.”

Then he turned around again to walk out from the door. Yet after just two steps, he came to a halt when he heard Kim Taehyung calls him.

“Hyung. . .”

The soft sound of his voice the way he utter the word hung into the air. Park Jimin was not used to these honorifics since Taehyung kept on insisting they’re just both 95 liners through the fans eye. He keeps avoiding the fact that Park Jimin is literally a year older than all of them.

Park Jimin didn’t move even a single muscle.

“Just promise this too shall pass.”

Jimin bit the inside of his cheeks then turned back his head to his best friend to nod and show a reassuring smile.

— — —

Anna immediately gets off from the bus and run the hell out of her through the side walk. Didn’t even mind hitting those people who walks across her. The thick pastel pink scarf hanging around the neck holding its last breathe to keep itself from completely falling. Like her hopes hanging into single chance to see him before he go inside the court trial hall. She stopped thinking about neither her heart beating so fast, nor her breathe catching from the air. Her legs sprinting like a tire rolling in a desert searching for the oasis. The sweats forming in forehead swiped off through the wind slapping her cheeks, causing it red.

Holding her bag tightly, she felt a strong arm hold her to stop midway. The impact has almost made her to lose her balance and trip. She realized it was Deby who was panting so hard also.

“Can we get a little bit slower? I… I think I might die… f- from running out of oxygen,” she said catching her breathe while holding her friends arms tightly with her left hand balancing her worn- out body from running.

“But Deb! What if I won’t be able to catch a sight of him again?! I am so worried right now. I don’t even know if he knew I was there the last time they held the first hearing session! I’m scared I will never see him again,”

When Deby’s breathing turned back to normal, she scratched her head and wiped off her sweaty head using the back of her hand.

“For fucks sake, Anna! It’s Park Jimin! I bet he could even smell you 10 kilometers away! I can guarantee you he knew you were there. Maybe, he couldn’t just get a perfect timing to go and meet you but trust me, he’s safe and everything will be fine. You said he can do anything, right? Then let’s trust him! He’s capable in doing anything he wants.”

Anna shook her head and pulled her arms back. “Regardless. Let’s just go!”

When she took off for a sprint again, both of the girls stopped from running when they heard a loud blow of horn. When they both turn their heads to see who it was, they saw a car pulled up not too far from them, and a pale hand waving at them through the driver’s seat open window. After a couple of seconds, they saw Yoon-Doo Joon getting off from his car and walked closer at them.

He takes off his sunglasses and hang it on his coat inside pocket. “Where are you both heading together? Why’d you look you just signed up for a marathon?” he asked.

Anna looked back to her friend and they both just shared a look that made him to be more confused.

“Why? Is there something which I am not allowed to know? A girl’s secret maybe?”

Deby rolled her eyes.

“You’re literally popping everywhere we go,” she said in a sarcasm voice.

“Hey wait, that’s pure coincidence and remember the last time we’ve met? It’s you who came to my place to ask for a favor which up until now, you have never yet told me the reason why.”

Both of them heaved a deep sigh.

“Doo-joon, I’m sorry but seriously we’re in a rush. We need to go now.” Anna was about to dash off when the guy asked them again.

“Are you both heading to the trial court?” Their heads snapped back to look at him with eyes full of wonders and confusion. “I’m actually driving my way there—wait! Hold on! I’m not stalking you or what, this is real. Gikwang asked me to come by there. His parents can’t attend for today’s trial since his mom was advised to avoid any stress as per her personal psychiatrist advise, then of course, his dad needs to check up on his mom, so I agreed to meet up on him. He’s basically fighting it alone now.”

Anna immediately hopped on in to his car without saying a word. The man’s eyes rounded when she just literally invited herself for a lift when he didn’t even asked them in the first place for the favor.

He scoffed, “I seriously didn’t know you were this concerned of Gikwang. I mean, you went to Octagon to send condolences after the news of her sister then now you really wanted me to drive you there? Tell me, is there something going on that I need to know?” then he looked at Anna who was now sitting at the back seat but he didn’t get anything aside from a roll of her eyes. Then Gikwang turned his head to Deby instead.

“Or maybe you, Deby? Are you dating Gikwang? C’mon! You should tell me! It’s either you or Anna who’s dating my friend!”

Deby shakes her head. “Sorry, we’re literally just in a rush, please. We’ll tell you everything later, I swear!” Then immediately opened the bullet’s seat door and went in.

Yoon Doo-joon was trapped. He, of course, couldn’t just hauled them off his car and shoo them away, and besides the curiosity has been eating him for these weeks, and there’s no harm if he would give them a lift again.

Up until then, he kept asking Gikwang what really happened back at the Octagon, but his friend kept tight- lipped. He also tried calling Deby to ask and to assure that Anna was doing good, yet both sides had never said anything what’s really going on. He thought maybe it was that serious. He had never seen his friend getting enraged like that.

But he’s curios why Anna and Deby was so determined to see Gikwang again after what happened back that night.

— — —

Yoon Doo- joon immediately pulled up just right after when a group of fans caught running in front of the building with barriers to keep the amount of people mobbing the celebrity. Some of them were holding huge cards or posters cheering up the suspected murderer which happened to be their idol. Most of them were even caught with puffy eyes from crying so much, and just like her—the girlfriend—worried about what may happen next. Everything is all over the place.

The media who kept trying to get any information about the case and shamelessly even asking for statement from the celebrity itself. The securities worked hard to make sure no one can harm or get close to them.

Anna quickly gets off from the car and run over the massive group of people swarming the area. She tried to push herself in yet they’re all blocking the view. She tried to jump, to scream, or to push them away to see him, to let him know she’s here, to make him feel she’s always there, yet no matter what she do, it’s always like this. There’s always a huge amount of barriers keeping them off together. Like an ocean dividing two islands that wanted to unite to be a one big island.

She caught a glimpse of their manager and Jung Hoseok. She tried to jump again through the people heads but the buffy securities and police officers made it hard to see them.

The Bangtan members never missed to attend the hearings to show their support to their co- member. The company was forced to stop all the scheduled appointments for the rest of the month. The whole industry is in a blow- hole of controversy regarding murder.

Deby grabbed her friends hand to pull her away from the crowd. When they both get out, Deby saw her sweats turned ice. Her face was so red and she could see the exhaustion, fright, tense & distraught expression mixed together in her best friends face.

“Doo- joon went in to meet Gikwang and he’ll try to ask if the securities will let us to get inside. Don’t worry. It’s dangerous to keep push yourself in with the crowd,” she said trying to console Anna.

She just nodded her head and looked back at the entrance of the building. The group of fans who probably camped out didn’t get any less. It was a terrific scene. She prefers to get pushed by in airports or concerts like before, but now, she just wanted a hole to open up above the earth surface and swallow them altogether.

When Anna turned her head back to Deby, she saw her trying to call somebody on her phone. Even her friend looks so anxious and agitated.

“Who are you calling?” she asked.

Deby put her the phone screen on her ears then after awhile she checked it again.

“I’m still trying to contact him,” she answered then punched a number on her phone again.

Anna’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Who?”

Deby looked back at her then answered just above a whisper. “Taehyung.” Then let out a heavy breathe. “I didn’t get any chances to contact him after this was all exploded. I bet the company confiscated their phones.”

Anna remained silent. The cold temperature feels like it was wearing off. She’s sweating so hard and she couldn’t stay still. She wanted to cry. That will be still normal. Nobody would even get suspicious of her, since most of the fans there were crying harder than her and on floored.

She tried to calm herself.

Counted to three to steady her breathing and focused herself and hope he could hear her.

“My angel. . . Jimin. . . can you hear me? I don’t know. Just hang on. Everything will get better. Please do something to let me know you heard me, please. . .”

Anna pressed her hands together as if praying. Trying to block all the noises around her. The screams, the whimpers, the non- stop voices of random people and even the vehicles passing by. Yet, she didn’t hear anything. Or even get a single thought that he might created inside her mind as a way of communication. She tried to sharpen her senses, but even his presence was unreachable.

She couldn’t hear his voice.,

or his thoughts. . .

She couldn’t feel his presence.

She couldn’t still get a hold Park Jimin.

Doo- joon came back running. Deby immediately meet him halfway to hear if there’s any possibility that they could get inside the hall.

“I tried but they wouldn’t even allow me to get inside. I told them I am a friend of the victim’s family and Gikwang even went out to prove that but the police was being strict, they said they just need to follow the rules since it’s a high- profile case. I can’t understand? They don’t want me to get inside but all of the members of the suspect were allowed to attend the hearing? How’s that makes sense?” he said sounding so pissed off.

Deby just gulped, didn’t know what to say since she personally know the members he was referring to.

“It’s fine. Maybe they really just have to be extra careful. Especially that we’ll never know if somebody has already plotting a death to the suspect or the family’s victim,” Deby said.

He scoffed, “Well, I think Gikwang’s life has more threat than that idol. He got crazy fans everywhere and even if the judges verdicts is guilty, I’m sure it will still be difficult since most of their fans would probably take his side only without looking for justice.”

That ticks Anna off so she immediately butts in.

“Wait, it hasn’t proven yet if he’s really the murderer. Let’s don’t take sides here. Both are sufferings. Let’s wait till they release an official statement.”

They all get interrupted when Deby’s phone started ringing. She checked her phone and get confused when the phone number wasn’t registered to her contacts. She looked up at them.

“Who’s that? Why don’t you pick it up?” Gikwang asked while Anna was anticipating too.

She shakes her head. “It’s not registered. I get anxious whenever I received calls which isn’t registered in my contacts and didn’t even introduce who they are before calling me at least through text messages,”

“What if it’s an important call?” Anna said.

The phone didn’t stop from ringing. After counting to ten, Deby finally answer the call but she remained quiet and waited till someone would speak on the other end. Doo- joon looked around watching the fans who’re still crying on the floor. Some stayed, while some left the area. Police are still guarding the hall and media waited for any latest updates they might heard.

“Deby?”

A deep- husky voice answered on the other line. It sounds familiar but she don’t want to jump into conclusions yet.

“Who’s this?” she asked.

“Taehyung. . .” he answered in a low voice.

Deby’s eyes immediately widened and she covered her mouth after getting so surprise. She even felt her hands started trembling for some reasons. She looked at Anna and her friend walked closer to her. They took few steps away from Yoon Doo- Joon to make sure they’re earshot.

“Oh my god. . . thank God you contacted me. We we’re so worried, especially Anna. Where are you? Are you inside the trial hall? What happened to your phones? To Jimin?” she replied almost covering her mouth.

The sound of his voice could tell how anxious he was. He sound so tense and his voice was shaking.

“No, I didn’t go inside. I’m actually at the back of the building. At the basement. I sneak out. Meet me here, I’ll wait. Please make it quick, I couldn’t stay any longer. They might get suspicious.”

Then he dropped the call.

“Who was that?” Anna asked.

Deby grabbed her hands. “I’ll tell you later. Stay with Doo- Joon. Tell him I’ll just go to the restroom.”

Anna stopped her. “Wait, can’t I just go with you?”

She shakes her head. “No. I’ll be fast.”

Then she sprinted off and run behind the cars parked at the side of the building.

— — —

Deby found Kim Taehyung hiding behind a wall posts at the basement where no one else probably would think to walk through. It looks like a stock hall for unused chairs, compiled papers and just a random trash you could see in any office buildings. It smells like a closet which had never opened for a decade. She found the way in beside the fire exit door which he also pointed at through message. She don’t have any idea how Kim Taehyung even found a place like this in this building.

When Kim Taehyung heard footsteps, he immediately turned around. His eyes couldn’t hide the glint of hope and a bit of tranquility as soon as he took sight of her. The way he beamed brightness when his eyes landed on her wasn’t able to hide the comfort he was looking for all these weeks. It was like the sun has finally risen in the east after the long-cold night.

Kim Taehyung was about to dash off to meet her halfway and to throw her a tight hug but he stopped himself from doing so and refrained from doing such thing. Deby realized what he was about to do and how he awkwardly stopped midway when obviously he ran into her like an excited kid you left alone.

She decided to do it instead so her pace went quickly until they were just two steps away from each other.

“Oh gosh finally. How are y’all holding up? How are you? I am so worried. We’re all so worried!” she asked.

Taehyung just scratched his head. “It’s tough but. . . I don’t know. We stick together and made sure to make him feel he’s not fighting this alone. We were all like in a home arrest so basically we’re forbid to use any gadgets for any means of communication. They even set police officers aside from securities to make sure we wouldn’t escape.”

Deby’s face get sadder. “Yeah. I heard that. How’d you get in here?”

“I sneaked out, and then I asked our manager that I need my phone to check my parents back at home, then I secretly copied your phone number.” Deby’s heart skipped a bit when Taehyung really show her the phone number he wrote on his palms. “But don’t worry, I did really checked my parents,” he said laughing.

Deby forced a smile. “Where’d u get the phone?”

“Oh, this?” then he show her a basic nokia phone. “I asked the maintenance man for a spare phone then he gave me this. He said he’s using this for work.”

She smiled. “Wow, your effort was truly remarkable.”

He shows a sheepish smile then nod. “How is she? Anna? I bet she’s so dead worried.”

“You wouldn’t imagine how she always stay late at night hoping he would come over. She’s still expecting that maybe he could try to sneak out and meet her.”

“Chim couldn’t do that as of now. He’s minimizing the use of his power. He have been craving and starving for blood but we all need to be careful. You know what’s going on.”

She released an exhausted breathe. “I hope everything will get better soon. I wouldn’t lie but these issues are wearing me out. Even me, I couldn’t get a wink at night thinking about Anna and Jimin. I am always scared that something bad might happen while I was asleep.”

Deby noticed how his adam’s apple bobbed up and down as if he had been holding something all by himself. He looked down, and the sadness envelope on his face.

“I’m sorry we made you to get so worried. We’re sorry that most of our fans had to deal with this. We don’t deserve the love and concerns they were pouring to us. Instead of giving them comfort, here we are, giving more trouble.”

Deby heaved a deep sigh and force a smile to show that everything is gonna be alright. She stepped closer to him and pats his arms.

“Life isn’t just about rainbows and unicorns or happiness and joy. We wouldn’t be able to test how strong our relationship has built over the year if there were no any challenges like this. You stayed with us through music. You listened to our vents and this is the least we could do to pay you back. We’re all in this together. We’ll walk this rough road side by side. We’re no longer just fans and idol relationship, but a best friend or family. We always have your back!”

Kim Taehyung raised his head and looked straight to her eyes. Deby’s heart shattered into pieces when she saw the broken eyes of his. It was welling and a blood shot image which have been obviously containing the pain alone. Kim Taehyung shoulders fell like he suddenly let the tensions and stress left his body.

“I have never been so scared in my life. I’m scared of the thought that they might do something against Park Jimin. I’m scared for all the what if’s. What if they’ll found out the truth and they demand for a death execution? What if the whole world turn their backs at him and suddenly also the fans? What if they couldn’t manage to accept for who he really is? And. . . what if even the Bangtan couldn’t accept him anymore?” his voice was shaking.

Deby tried to comfort him. “You both still have us. Your mom knows the Park Jimin behind his true identity. Anna’s love for him unconditionally and me? I’ve already accepted him! Yes, given it was hard to believe at first but as time goes by, you’ve eventually forget him as a bloodsucker Park Jimin, but a Park Jimin who has been good and kind to you.”

He nodded. “I guess life will get harder if he will leave.”

“No, he won’t and he will never.”

Kim Taehyung leaned down and she noticed how he quickly wiped his eyes using the sleeves of his coat. He obviously was trying to hide his crying side. Deby knows he had been holding this alone. She could see how he’s trying his best to keep afloat. To makes sure he’s a strong man everybody believes. But now, at this moment, he let all his masks to wear off to be real into his true feelings. That like any human, Kim Taehyung needs to be comforted also.

For once, a man had shown his weak side to her. And she don’t know how to react on it. She’s strange to any of this, but she wants him to know he’s not alone. And everything will be better. And no matter what happen, she will stay by his side.

She cleared her throat and hated to interrupt the emotional moment but she really needed to go back.

“I—I’m sorry but I really have to go back. I left Anna outside, I can’t stay any longer here. And remember you just sneak out? What if they have started searching for you? We don’t need another controversy here.”

He nodded and smile at her. But it was the saddest smile she have ever seen.

Deby added, “You need to go back as well. I’ll go out first, alright?” then she caressed his arms as if telling to be fine after and he nodded again. When she turned around to go back and started walking, Kim Taehyung had called her attention once again.

“Deb. . .”

She stopped and turned around as quickly as possible. She thought that maybe he forget something to tell.

“What is it?”

Kim Taehyung’s eyes played around the dusty basement. Looking at the wall. At the broken tables and chairs. At the door. At. . . anywhere. Then he gulped and took a deep breath. He’s hesitating and she remained standing there waiting in puzzlement.

“What is it?” she asked again.

His eyes alerted back to look at her. He bit the inside of his cheeks and scratched the back of his head.

“Can I. . .”

She waited.

“I mean. . . c- can I h- hug y-you?” he asked stuttering.

Caught from the sudden question, Deby just stared back at him, trying to sink in what he just asked a couple of seconds ago.

Kim Taehyung bit his lips and he felt so embarrassed.

“No forget it. I’m sorry it’s just—“

“No, its fine,” she suddenly replied back which made his eyes wider. “I understand you. It’s what you need right now. I don’t mind. At all. You can rely on me.”

She saw he released a long- exhausted breathe and without any words, he sprints forward to her and grabbed Deby by her arms and closed their distance.

Kim Taehyung hugged her tightly with his head on her left shoulder. He leaned down to level their heights since he’s towering her. His long arms wrapped around her body and she remained still shock and can’t completely fathom what she let him to do. Even she allowed him to hug her, she still felt completely lost. Her hands remained on her side.

Should she hug him back? Or pat him? Or keep her hands on herself?

She felt how he dug his face on the crook of her neck and his warm breathe almost make her go crazy. She could feel the fast beating heart inside his ribcage and how her own heart rapidly beating in rhythmic pattern along with his.

Deby gulped.

And Kim Taehyung’s eyes remained closed.

“Sorry. . .” he whispered with his deep- raspy voice.

She didn’t reply.

He opened his mouth again. “I was so scared. . . but thank you. Really.”

She just nodded.

Then without any internal battles, Deby unconsciously moved her arms to hug him back. Caressing and patting him for a comfort.

“I’m scared, too. Scared from what you’re doing now. . .” she thought.

— — —

Doo- Joon noticed that Anna was standing alone not too far from him. He looked around to find Deby but she’s completely nowhere to be found. He walks towards her with his hands stuck inside his pocket jeans.

“Where’s Deby?” he asked scanning around the whole place one more time.

Anna looked up at him. “She went to the restroom.”

He just nodded. “It’s getting colder in here, how bout we grab some coffees nearby? Just message your friend so she can follow us there. I’ll get sick if we stay out here any longer.”

She didn’t say anything, nor complained. She just followed after him when he left. They walked together side by side to cross the street. Doo- Joon suggested the nearest coffee shop just few blocks away from them. He noticed the silence of the girl beside him. The expression on her face couldn’t conceal the disturbed thoughts that she must have suffering all these weeks.

Suddenly, he remembered how vulnerable she was that night. It was the first time he saw her like that. She was all shaking when they busted the door open. Sank on the floor with her broken eyes, crying and trembling. It was a horrible sight and he still don’t know what really happened there. He doesn’t want to imagine that his friend Lee Gikwang hurt her in a way he couldn’t accept. After all, she’s still a woman. But the whole scene that night in Octagon was a mess. He wants to open up the topic but too scared it was too sensitive to talk too soon.

Anna and Doo- Joon both waited till the traffic light go green for those who want to cross the street. He glanced at her and noticed she was staring on her shoes.

Doo- Joon looked up at the traffic light and in just a blink, a black van pulled up in front of them grabbing Anna by force. He almost freeze on his spot due to panic and shocked but came back to his senses when he saw how Anna kept squirming while she was being dragged.

“Hey! Hey! What are you doing?! Let go of her!” he screamed and run towards the van to pull her back and to stop them from kidnapping her.

He saw the huge man covered Anna’s nose and mouth with a cloth then in just a couple of seconds she passed out. Yoon- Doo- Joon was alarmed and tried to stop the moving van. He grabbed the door to keep it open and he kept screaming for help. He saw three buffy men inside the van but he couldn’t see their faces clearly since they are all wearing a face mask. He made sure not to let go of the door while the van was running slowly and he’s trying his best to keep on track with it.

“Who are you?! Let go of my friend! Where are you taking her?!” he shouted.

They earned few onlookers yet no one dared to help them. The van was beginning to pick up its speed and he knows that’ll be dangerous for him. He tried to hop on and was glad when he made it. Tires squealing when the driver stomped the gas and the van sped up with the door left open.

Yoon- Doo- Joon punched the man who’s trying to kick him out but another man has caught him by arms while the other man covered his nose with the same cloth they used to Anna. In just two blinks, Doo- Joon get dizzy and the noises around him started fading. He felt like he fell into the water.

And he went unconscious.

#JiAnna Jimin Anna

0 notes

coffeecupandteatime · 7 years

Text

Obscure Review #6

It’s time to spork fics and ruin lives.

Ahhhhh, it’s that time of the year again, when the summer air is crisp, and we’re all stuck inside reading reviews on awful fanfics. ʕಠᴥಠʔ My mother always said I had no life.

I haven’t had a life since I found the internet.

Yes we know that Coffee.

None of us have had lives since the internet. Let’s just put that out there now.

You make a compelling point sir. ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Now shall we begin the shitstorm?

Shit parade is a better description.

As usual, we will be offensive. Don’t take this personally.

Hey … I'm sorry I haven't updated in forever. I kind of helped my sister have a party at our house and it went really wild.

Suuuuuure you did pal. Ya sure you weren’t just thinking of quitting? Cos I’m sure many people would love that. ʕ° ͟ل͜ ͡°ʔ

My parents came home the next morning and we got grounded for having alcohol at the party. At the party, some stupid kids broke some of my mom's porcelain dolls and the vase that contained my grandmother's ashes was also broken. So not only did my sister get grounded for a year, but I, who wasn't even at the party got grounded as well.

OBJECTION! That’s a contradiction! You just stated “it went really wild”, implying you were there! *slams hands on desk* Isn’t that right?!

What the fuck? Who gets mad over porcelain dolls breaking? Those things are creepy as hell. Also she HELPED her sister have the party so there’s that too.

Avid collectors get mad and not to mention her grandma’s ashes were spilled all over the floor.

I’d be a little mad if someone busted the vase with grandma’s ashes.

I understand that part, just not the dolls.

And that's why I haven't updated. No laptop, TV, Ipod, phone, DS, and no Hot Cheetos or Starbucks!

You sound oh so very stereotypically white right now.

“OH NO! Things I can totally live without but depend on!”

Ouch. Right in the entitlements…

I’m sure none of those things wanted to be associated with you.

My mom also signed me up for ballet. So guess what I spent my time doing after school and during the summer.

Come on kid, ballet isn’t bad, it’s fun once you get past the clumsiness.

Anyway, now I have some of my freedom back. Before I quit ballet, I stuck the finger to the evil teacher and walked out of there like a boss! Yeah... no.

That would get you another month of grounding if you were my child.

Much worse would happen to her if that were my spawn.

I’m not having kids if they're always like this brat.

That would be extremely rude.

You say as if you cared.

I’m sure she does Coff.

Yeah, no she doesn’t.

And another reason I haven't updated was because Katherine's story takes place after the whole war with the giants and I didn't know if the camps were going to come together and change the name or something like that.

Oh, good. Then I take back my previous comment. She’s still a special-snowflake (bitch) daughter of Poseidon, but at least she’s not fucking up the prophecy. She’s just gonna fuck everything else up.

The daughter of Poseidemort who ran over a MINOTAUR and uses the knife game to punish her brother.

Special snowflakes galore.

MY MAMA SAYS I’M SPECIAL!

So when the book came out, I read it but I couldn't start writing a chapter. Well, here's the fourth chapter. Oh wait, remember how in the first chapter it say winter? Well I'm changing it to the summer

‘Scuse me? You’re just gonna… change the a fairly major element of the story with an author’s note? Instead of, y’know, editing???

And why not just keep it going and be lazy and call it an ‘AU’? Anyone can do that.

That would be too much effort, that’s why.

I sighed. It had been a week since we left the house. So many of those… things had come after us.

What things? You mean monsters?

What monsters? We never saw anything except the Minotaur which was run over and never heard from again.

Clearly we’re running from he must not be named.

Poseidemort

That old lady that had grown wings,

WHAT OLD LADY? Is there something happening off-screen we don’t know about??

All we ever got about the FURY was a SINGLE screech.

Just gonna dump her in here apparently.

the man/animal that had horns and was unbelievably strong,

Which was never shown, because they flattened it with a car.

Correction, attempted to flatten it with a car. It didn’t die and didn’t try to kill them although they sat on top of it for like 5 minutes.

What man/animal with horns? You know how many monsters fit that description? ʕಠ益ಠʔ

and that weird big hairless dog.

Please stop acting like we actually saw any of this.

I thought hellhounds had fur tho.

They do but she clearly doesn’t know her Greek monsters.

ʕಠ益ಠʔ That makes me angry.

It’s fine! Because we never saw this at all in context with the story.

My mom had names for them. That old lady with the wings was a fury, the man/animal thing with horns was a minotaur And the big dog thing is a hellhound.

A hellhound isn’t hairless you fop.

This could have been put into the previous sentence but instead you continue to waste my time with your unneeded prose.

That’d be too easy.

My mom had always wanted us to get into the whole Greek and Roman myths about the gods. Never really sparked my interest. But my mom did make me take Latin. I hated it but I put up with it for her.

I’m sorry, WHAT?!? You’re a Greek demi-twit, you should be learning, guess what, GREEK!

Latin is not Greek.

Plot twist: MC isn’t a Demigod, she was adopted and Angel’s the true Demigod.

The only twist I would gladly accept.

So anyway, we have traveled from Beverly Hills to New York in a week in a would have been here earlier but we spent a whole day shopping for clothes.

“We’re being chased by monsters, but that’s okay! We can spend an entire day shopping without incident! Hooray, materialism!”

Lord forbid shopping gets compromised. ʕಠ益ಠʔ

Shoes, pants, a backpack for each of us, lady things, shirts, sweaters and jackets, underwear, tank tops, socks etc.

Yet you wasted time to compile a shortlist of the shit you bought. You could just say you bought the essentials.

We’re off to a good start…

Lady things, yet you have underwear separately. ʕಠᴥಠʔ╭∩╮cool.

Um, do I have to explain what lady things are Jager?

Well if MC can try to get her brother and friend to basically fuck, ‘lady things’ shouldn’t be that bad. Just saying.

I’m surprised you don’t know already.

We stopped by hotels every morning to shower. That's why we took so long.

In the previous sentence you mentioned wasting an entire day shopping. I’m pretty confident that it contributed.

Tea, the author has no concept of time.

But now we're here. Sitting in a Starbucks. Sipping our frappuccinos as my mom babbles on and on about this camp.

I’m starting to sense a pattern with you....

Is urgency lost on you? Whatever is chasing you, I hope it smashes you into bloody paste leaving Angel alive to arrive at camp so we don’t have to deal with your drivel.

Apparently it is. ʕಠᴥಠʔ

Camp Half-Blood or something.

Good to know you’re paying attention to this crucial information concerning your safety and well-being.

I’m surprised she hasn’t tried getting Emily to hook up with the monsters to distract them.

She probably would if she thought it would let them live.

Gonna get that big ol’ Minotaur horn if ya know what I mean C;

I don’t.

Ahh, innocent Coffee. You’ll figure it out when you’re older.

This is about as old as I’m gonna get.

It's dark as we leave the cozy coffee shop. I instantly miss the smell of caffeine.

How the hell can you smell caffeine?

ʕ.ᴥ.ʔ Welp. The power of being a Sue lets you smell the impossible.

I don’t have enough caffeine in my system to deal with this shit.

That’s like saying I can smell yeast before it ferments.

As we make our way to the car, I notice a huge black cloud in the sky. I can see light flash inside it. Lightning.

Thanks Captain Obvious!

You act like you’ve never seen a storm before. Oh and we are once again copying Percy’s how-I-got-here story.

She probably hasn’t since her life was so ‘perfect’ before.

I open my mouth to-

Spout more idiotic bullshit? Bitch about Angel?

tell them about the cloud when Emily looks up at me. I know she noticed it. She's probably gonna end up clutching my side halfway through our ride to this camp. She's always been afraid of lightning.

Oh no. So scary. Much terrified.

Show that she’s afraid of it, don’t state it to the audience.

All Knowing Sue strikes again.

She feels that it will kill her.

SMITE HER ZEUS!

DAMMIT COFFEE! NOTHING WILL SAVE US! NOT EVEN THE PAN!

And she doesn't like airplanes or anything that involves lightning or being above the ground. She's never been on a swing since she doesn't like her feet not touching the ground or something that is touching the ground.

Show not tell, show not tell, shOW NOT TELL.

You’re gonna flip shit when you read who her mom is. Anyway, it’s apparently supposed to “contribute” to her fear of Zeus.

If it’s not Aphrodite I’ll be very disappointed.

Her only exception is the ocean since that's where we feel at home

I get why a child of Poseidon feels safe, but why Emily? We don’t know her. Nor do we care anymore.

I have a bad feeling about her god-parent…

Don’t got many choices.

I’m going to bet that her mother is a goddess who can’t/won’t have mortal children.

, so she feels safe with us. We get in the car and my mom starts driving. I hear thunder and I feel someone clutching my arm really hard.

So much so that she renders flesh from bone.

Coffee. What did I say.

I WILL DO ANYTHING TO SEE HER DIE.

IT WON’T SAVE US! THEN EMILY WILL TAKE OVER!

I MUST TRY! NO MATTER HOW FUTILE!

" Emily, that hurts." I say annoyed.

“Ow, pain. I fractured my ability to emote.”

Please kill her.

She could emote in the first place?

" Sorry." She loosens her grip. My arm can breath again.

I wasn’t aware your arm had breathing capabilities.

Does it have nostrils that we don’t see?

The arm has the most character development in this story.

" Emily, sweetie, nothing is going to happen to you. Besides, your mom will protect you.

“Ah, yes. My mother that I know nothing about and who has practically abandoned me. That’s comforting.”

“Bah you’ll get used to it.”

She would never let anything happen to you. Just like Angel and Kat's father would never let anything happen to I'm here."

If Poseidon never let anything happen to his demi-spawn this entire story would not exist.

Exactly. Thank you Coffee.

Emily just nodded when my looked at her through the rear mirror. Anyone could see that Emily didn't believe her and she was still afraid.

I can’t see anything with your lousy writing.

So much for those classes am I right guys?

" How about some music? That always soothes you." Angel put on the radio.

Why are we suddenly being formal in speech?

You know what would soothe me?

These fuckers dying?

In a fiery car crash.

Noooooooooo, why a fucking song. Why do you have to write out the song!

Cause raisins.

" If I die young, bury me in satin

I’ll bury you all right, but it will sure as hell not be in satin.

Maybe in an inferno.

That might work. Though someone might dig her up.

Lay me down on a bed of roses

If you don’t mind the napalm under it.

A good old fashioned bonfire.

That’d be to easy. Slowly lower her onto a bed of rusty nails.

Sink me in a river at dawn

Hon, even if you didn’t die I’d still drown you in a river.

She can breathe in water though.

FUCK.

AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! Can she breath in acid?

Send me away with the words of a love song

With the lyrics describing your imminent demise.

Nobody loves you.

Not even the knives.

Uh oh, uh oh

That’s how I feel about this entire fic.

That’s me everyday of my life.

Lord make me a rainbow,

Lord, please don’t.

I second that.

I'll shine down on my mother

With a death ray.

DEATH FROM ABOVE!

Preparing weapon: 80%.

She'll know I'm safe

Now that you’re no longer a nuisance.

Now a thorn in God’s side.

Poor God.

with you when she stands under my colors,

I bet your colors are about the same as your emotional spectrum.

A dull gray, slightly darker dull grey and and an even darker dull grey.

Don‘t insult grey.

Oh yeah. And purple.

You leave purple out of this.

oh,

“I finally realized this whole story was a mistake.”

Nah, I doubt Author ever thought that.

And life ain't always what you think it ought to be,

Like this story.

Clearly. I thought this was supposed to be a story.

I thought I was sober.

Is what I said when I was told we were going to continue reading.

Yeah, I’m never sober.

Ain't even grey,

Oh, look! Your emotional spectrum!

Huzaaaaaah!

but she buries her baby

Finally putting that whiny brat in the ground!

Yaaaaaay!

The sharp knife of a short life,

*hides knife* I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Quick protect Angel!

oh well

That’s what the author said before publishing this trash parade.

That’s what I said while looking at the last bottle.

I've had just enou-"

I’ve had enough of this shit too.

-Promptly swings door open and leaves-

Fuck this shit, I’m out!

Mom turned it off.

SWEET FREEDOM!

“Now that we’re done with those ominous implications…”

" Maybe we should do something else instead of listen to the radio. How about I tell you kids more about Camp Halfblood?"

“Obviously, no one was listening to me about it before.”

“Listen here you little shits! You’re going to camp!”

I feel like the author is now trying really hard to make mom explain things.

" Your father always wanted you to go to this camp since you were babies. He kept visiting me, telling me how it wasn't safe for you anywhere but the camp. I told him off, saying that nothing bad would ever happen to you as long as I was alive.

“Of course, I, a mortal woman, would know more about this sort of thing than a Greek god.”

Totally not Percy’s story.

Percy’s mother was worried and knew she would only be able to protect him so much and Sally knew her limits. She’s making her sound like “I can protect my kids by myself. I won’t get killed with a simple flick of the wrist.”. That’s fucking foolish.

And your father, Emily, he promised your mother he would guard you with his life.

“I can’t imagine why he would do that. It’s not like Greek gods avoid their children.”

“Mom, was dad just a one nighter?”

Her mom just left a note though, how the hell would he promise that? The gods don’t normally tell the mortal partner that they’re a god.

I don't think he ever told you this but one night, when you were about 10, he found your mother standing over your bed, crying quietly. He told me that she told him that all she could think about was you.

And he told you this, but not his daughter..? I see where Katherine’s omniscience comes from.

Damn genetics. Fuckers.

You guys may think that the parent that left you didn't care, but they did.

Except they don’t, because they are gods.

They don’t care cos they can literally have kids with damn near anyone.

Correction, they care for their kids but they normally have VERY limited contact with them. They make a point to stay out of their lives, to not interfere, it would piss off the Fates.

It hurt us as much as it did them. And by 'us' I mean Emily's dad and me."

That’s unusually specific.

Me thinks Moma and Emily’s dad had a fling.

" Mom, who is our dad and Emily's mom?"

My mom smiled softly. It was a sad smile. " Well, that's something you'll have to find out at camp, isn't it?" No one said anything.

“It’s more fun that way. Nothing bad ever comes from withholding this kind of information.”

“Not like this information is important to the plot.”

Get on with the plot please. This suspense shit is getting old fast.

5 minutes later

You don’t need a fucking transition for five fucking minutes!

Calm down Coffee.

PISS OFF

NAH!

DON’T MAKE ME GET THE PAN

" Are we there yet?"

“No, the end of the chapter is about another two pages of nothing happening.”

Guess I can get another case of rum. I have the time.

" Almost. Patience Angel."

Oh, so that’s who’s talking. For a second, I thought it was another hallucination. Wait a minute, who’s talking now? A ghost? It’s a ghost, isn’t it?

I think you need to lay off the shrooms.

" So how long are we going to stay at this camp?"

OH SHIT, A FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

Fuck, what’s the name of that Naruto story we did? Dammit, TEA! HELP!

When Wind meets earth, I believe and yes, that is how the author wrote it.

" For the rest of Winter break."

Didn’t you change it to summer in your author’s note?

.-. I’m greatly confused and annoyed at the same time, what do you call that?

Confoyed? I dunno.

Angel groaned. I groaned. Emily squealed.

And I unloaded a shotgun into everyone mentioned.

-Takes the shotgun back- Hey, this is for emergencies only.

*takes shotgun* With how fast this is going downhill, this counts.

-Takes it back- I’M the one who brought this thing, stop wasting ammo on this shit show, wait for My Inner Life.

This joke is overkill.

" We're gonna have so much fun! We'll meet new people. And there might be some cut boys." She winked at me. " And cute girls for you Angel,"

“And we’re probably going to die!”

I long for the sweet release of death. I refuse to go to AA.

Turns out Angel and Emily just weren't meant to be. She said that she felt no spark when they had a make-out session in her room on the boat. And he said that it felt weird kissing her. Like he was kissing his mom.

That is just gross.

And thus, that entire chapter was a big waste of everyone’s time, because the author decided on a whim to abort that story arc.

What the fuck…? Oooooooh wait till I do my thoughts at the end, ooooh you just wait.

So they've decided to just stay friends. But hey, I'm not complaining.

I am! That chapter never needed to happen if it was going to end like that.

Goddamitgoddamitgoddamit. GODDAMIT!

" Oh. And you'll love your cabins. Maybe Artemis and her hunters will be there. But don't join them. Just 5 more miles."

Why is she talking like she’s been there before? She’s mortal, mortals can’t enter the camp.

Omniscient protagonist powers go!

Rather Katherine joined them or not, she’ll never lose her V-card :^)

My mom kept smiling and shed a few more tears.

“So close to freedom from this awful story!”

“So close to losing these little shits!”

When we were about 3 miles away my mom suddenly stopped the car. " No. That's impossible. We should have had more time." She whispered this to herself. She was looking through the rearview mirror.

This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t spent an entire day shopping!

YOU HAVE NO CONCEPT OF TIME DAMMIT!

We are definitely copying Percy’s story but trying to make it seem original.

" Get out! Everybody get out!" Her voice was panicked. We got out as quickly as we could.

Which was at a snail’s pace, like everything else in this goddamn story.

Yet now we decide we want to live. Why can’t you just die Sue???

Except the second chapter, that happened quicker and I’m glad.

She started rummaging through the trunk. She handed us the luggages filled with our belongings. Then she pulled out a long thin sword. " Now, we're going to run.

Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to run with swords?!

Wanna know what else is long and thin?

The spear of which I’ll impale you with if you continue that joke.

-Leans in closer- ʕ°ᴥ°ʔ My dick.

SCROTAL PUNCH!

TEA GIVE ME THE SHOTGUN!

You had fair warning, there is nothing I can do to help you.

To the top of the hill. The monsters have caught up with us.

I still don’t see any monsters.

It would be nice if you put effort into the scene. For now we see floating blobs.

I see a heaping pile of shit called “How it all began”.

We have a few minutes before they reach us.

Why doesn’t the All-Seeing protagonist see them then?

Cause raisins.

Cos I scooped her eyes out with a grapefruit spoon.

Give me your hands." We all held out a hand.

She proceeded to chop off their hands with the sword.

“My tummy was making the rumblies...that only hands could satisfy.”

“Caaaaaaaaaaaaarl!”

" Give me your pocket knife Angel."

“So I may kill you quicker.”

Quick, castrate him so we don’t more Stus and Sues.

" I don't know what you're talking about." She glared at him. He handed it to her. She grabbed his hand and cut the palm.

Which she really could have done with the sword…

Me too buddy, me too. -Pats Coffee’s back.-

He pulled back his hand but it was too late. The damage was already done.

She rolled a nat 20 and hit him with critical damage. He lost his last 2 HP and had to go recover in the local tavern.

He rolled a nat 1 dexterity roll, he slipped, fell and broke his neck on the way to the tavern.

Jagerbomb rolled a nat 20 and won the last case of rum.

She grabbed a white towel from the hand and pressed his wound to it. The blood stained part of it red.

No shit, it’s a WHITE towel. Blood is red, thus it stains towel.

What are you talking about? Blood is pink. It’s always been that color.

No, blood is blue.

" I'm sorry. THis will throw them off our trail for a bit."

I like to think she was a bit enthusiastic for a second, but then realized the story she was in.

-Takes a sip from a beer can- Eyup.

She did the same to us. It stang but no as much as I thought as it would.

The word is stung, not stang. A stang is a Mustang, which you can’t drive.

Or ride. Cos Mustangs are too damn majestic for you.

Or as in Roy Mustang, but that’s not a good idea unless you like the idea of female officers in tiny miniskirts…

ʕ◕ᴥ◕ʔ Females? Miniskirts? Where do I sign up?

Down boy.

She threw the blood stained towel in the back car seat. Then we ran.

From what? I still don’t see the threat!

Their running from their emotions, Coffee.

What emotions?

The ones they left behind years ago.

We jumped over fallen trees and prickly bushes ripped our clothes as we brushed past them while running away from the monsters.

You keep saying that, but I still don’t see anything nor is there a threat. Maybe if I believe in it enough the monsters will appear and eat them.

Coffee. We’re not going to be saved, stop it. -Flicks nose-

We heard a roar back where the car was. That made us run faster. We finally believed my mother.

Took you long enough!

Let’s play the guessing game on what monster it is! GODZILLA!

The gods are real. We're demigods. And monsters are after us so they can spill our blood.

She didn’t explain this shit at all to you. Also you’re being overly formal again.

Well, you’ve been doing a bang up job avoiding them so far.

So why fucking worry!?

Then we found it. The entry to this camp.

These sentences. Are. Insanely choppy.

It hurts. My. Brain.

At first I couldn't read what it said, then my dyslexia reformed the words.

This is the first time we’ve seen of you ever having dyslexia.

She’s stating things again, would it kill you to either put it in earlier or better yet show this stuff happening.

She can magically give herself different disabilities.

Camp Half-Blood. We passed under the sign and a barrier appeared as we did. It didn't stop us from going in. It was as if showing that not just anyone could enter.

Wow, so exactly what a barrier does!

If your mother already explained everything to you then you should already know what the barrier does.

:O Holy shit! Something that actually does it’s job!

My mom looked at us longingly. I gestured for her to come with us. She shook her head sadly. I understood.

“Even though I’ve never been here before and I know nothing about the camp.”

All Knowing Sue strikes back!

The barrier sensed her and reminded her that she couldn't enter.

Reminded her? I think you mean stopped her completely.

“Oh sorry ma’am but you can’t come in here.”

" Ms. Adams. Come on."

ARGHH! FLOATING HEAD GHOST!

KILL IT WITH FIR-SHIT IT’S A GHOST!

" Yeah Mom." " She can't. The barrier won't let her. She's human."

I think the author gave up on writing.

I mean, technically, Demigods are human too since they're not, ya know… Gods.

They’re part god, that’s what allows them to get through.

" Kat's right. This is where you guys go ahead without me." A roar startled us. It was close by.

This looks suspiciously familiar.

Yep, we’re definitely copying Percy’s story.

Plus 1 for originality, Suethor.

" I have to go. If I stay any longer, they'll catch me." She blew us a kiss before disappearing into the trees. We watched as the monsters finally reached us and started banging on the barrier.

There they are! A little late on the chase scene there.

Give them a break, they’re Union monsters.

They couldn't get in either. I smirked and stuck out my tongue.

I’d like to see you do that outside the barrier.

“Let me stick my tongue out and be a brat while I watch my mom is probably being chased by monsters.”

We taunted them for a while longer. We had to make sure Mom had enough time to get away.

You’re copying Percy’s story and trying to be original, so if anything mom is probably going to die.

I doubt the monsters give a damn about kids taunting them. Your mother is probably already dead if they are tolerating you.

I mean, that forest is probably crawling with monsters, and not just Greek ones too, probably a damn Wendigo out there too. -Shivers-

When they finally realized they weren't going to get in anytime soon, they angrily left.

*stomps feet* “It’s not fair!”

“I wanted to tear the blondie’s spine out!”

We turned around and walked into this camp. I smiled at the feeling I felt as I walked, looking for an adult in this quiet place. It felt peaceful. Safe. Like home.

“We’ve only been here for twenty seconds.”

“Katherine, wake up, it was all a dream, you’ve been in a coma for two years.” -sighs- I wish...

PLOT TWIST!

CONCLUSION

Well, what can I say? After four chapters of the same shit different day, this isn’t surprising. How is one supposed to rate a chapter where nothing happens?

I can guarantee that it gets so much worse. You’ll have a lot to scream about later.

Well, I sure as fuck can say something! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE US SIT THROUGH TWO CHAPTERS (1 and 2) ABOUT HOW MUCH ANGEL AND EMILY LOVE EACH OTHER ONLY FOR ANGEL AND EMILY TO STAY FRIENDS!? LIKE SERIOUSLY! CHAPTER TWO WAS LITERALLY JUST KATHARINE TRYING TO GET EMILY TO FUCK HER BROTHER! AND WHAT DO WE GET FOR SITTING THROUGH THAT HELL? NOTHING! JUST THE ‘Let’s be friends’ BULLSHIT! And I have to agree with Coffee, all these chapters are the fucking same! Just unnecessary FILLER! Still no emotions, descriptions, and Katherine is the WORST character in this shit show. Fuck you anD YOUR GOAT!

I heard that yelling your name followed by “I’m fine” actually helps most cases of stress.

I have a bottle of jack and a shotgun. I’m fine. -Casual muscle spasm.-

I was thinking something more like, “I’M COFFEE AND I’M FINE!”

I AM FINE DAMMIT!

There you go~!

-Rapidly pumps shotgun to stay calm-

-Coffee, Tea, and Jagerbomb

#bad fanfiction #percy jackson fanfiction #fanfiction review #obscure review #sporking

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