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coldrubies · 4 months

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Grief cinema

My mom died at the end of 2019, right before lockdown. When covid hit, I was still in a foggy state. My reaction to everything delayed. I am supposed to stay home? Not go outside? Fine! Those were precisely what my plans were for the next mumblemumble years anyway.

My brightest, most vivid memories would have been of the movies that I saw anyway, because movies are special to me and I am always watching them. But the way they informed my grieving process surprised me. One does not necessarily expect, in the moment, for anything to really make it better.

But the day of my mom's death—maybe the day of, maybe the last day that I saw my mom—I watched MIDSOMMAR for the first time. I didn't know the plot and was a little concerned about it but a lot unable to do anything about the way that I felt; the DVD was already in the DVD player, and I knew my mother was dying/dead. Florence Pugh's portrayal of grief was a real gift. I felt held by it. It was miraculous to me, frankly, how much it lifted me into a state of feeling able to engage with what was going on and how I was feeling. There is a rant in me—and it is in there pretty shallow; you can get at it easily—about how acting is a vital service. I feel about actors the way that THE OFFICE's Dwight Schrute feels about his urologist. It is something I cannot do myself all the time, validate my own feelings about life; I need someone to do it for me, and I am grateful.

Also right around the same proximity to my mom's death, I saw the "Original Cast Album: Co-op" episode of DOCUMENTARY NOW! in the midst of watching that season. It was funny, I loved it, it took me out of my troubles, and the milieu was so novel and fascinating to me—this is how a cast recording (something I had never thought about) is/was made?—that I looked up which real documentary the episode was based on.

Before addressing ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY and all it's done for me, a word on Stephen Sondheim:

I will pick up practically any biography of an artist. An all-time choice was the biography of Wendy Wasserstein by Julie Salamon. I didn't know her or her work, and it was such an absorbing book, I think about returning to it all the time. Ditto Michael Schulman's Meryl Streep biography. I love to get a feeling of people in time. The choice to buy Stephen Sondheim's biography was not totally random, but it happened to be on my person when, immediately after my mother's death, I was hit by a car! It wasn't fatal—here I am—it just tipped me over. But I was in a fragile state, I did cry a lot, and I explained to the driver that my mother had just died, and that was why I was crying, and that would be the only reason I cry about anything for a while, regardless of what it seemed like I ought to be crying about. Eventually, I got to a hospital that night to make sure nothing had happened to me, and I was stranded in a room for more than an hour, and all I had was this book about Stephen Sondheim.

I can't remember—I'm sure I could figure it out—whether I had the book before I saw the documentary, whether I'd already seen it by the time I started reading it—but it all feels like it happened more or less at once that I went from not knowing* who Stephen Sondheim was to knowing, you know, the reams of tedious details that a fan knows (how many lines he preferred to have on his yellow legal pads; his go-to chord structure).

As all of this is going on, I've been writing a novel about musicians since 2018, and I made a promise to myself that, once I finished the first draft, I would prioritize learning about music. I never did when I was in school, I always wanted to, and the novel would never be done if I did not understand what my characters are supposed to be doing. I finished the first draft at the very end of 2019, and how fortuitous for this guide to show up, again, more or less all at once (just in time for me to be truly knocked out when he died two years later, more or less exactly from the time of all of this).

The extent to which I've clung to that gift as a life raft during this time is best demonstrated by the fact that, at the end of 2019, I had no knowledge of anything pertaining to music other than liking it, and now I have been composing music since the spring of 2022 (composing was the very long goal, and I still can't get over the fact that I met it). Have I neglected other parts of my life? Big time. But this is still impressive to me considering I would have liked very much to simply pull a blanket over myself and be sad quite ongoingly.

(*- On the subject of "not knowing who Stephen Sondheim was," my only frame of reference was seeing his name in the credits, mostly on item descriptions online, for, like, CDs of the WEST SIDE STORY, INTO THE WOODS, and ASSASSINS cast recordings, all of which I happened to see randomly over the years, but it is the kind of coincidence that would leave one who doesn't know anything about musical theatre to wonder if, maybe, Stephen Sondheim has written every single musical ever.)

Back to the documentary:

Between my discovery of ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY and now, the Criterion Collection has issued an edition of it on DVD and Blu-ray that is beautiful, a dream come true, and it features the DOCUMENTARY NOW! parody episode—magnificent. At the end of 2019, though, my only option for owning it was as a Quicktime file. This is fine—whether or not I have internet access, I have access to ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY.

I have so much to express about ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY, but I will restrict myself only to how it has intermingled with my grieving process. It is, of course, a pleasure to see people lost in work that is demanding but, compared to grieving a loved one's death, a load of cake. In the moment, the first many times I saw it, it came with a fresh, invigorating spray of curiosity-provocation. I love to be curious. Curiosity can do a lot for me. And there is a lot to be curious about for the completely uninitiated when it comes to the byzantine, idiosyncratic, union-forged business practices of Broadway theatre. Knowing how much he loved rules, watching him in this documentary, I am so moved and so happy for Stephen Sondheim that he was from and dwelled in a land that loved rules so much.

I could go on and on and on about how cathartic it is to watch someone be difficult, a ruthless artist, rigid, upholding a high standard as a method of care. I could introduce the subject of Stephen Sondheim and mother issues and we would be here all day. One of the conditions of my loving a thing is that I just go on about it. But when I first saw ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY right around the time that my mother died, the big thing that it did for me was show me, in case I felt like allowing my grief to interfere with my plans, that working on music was going to be good, nice, and right, which in this case were all the same thing.

It's been comforting to rewatch MIDSOMMAR since the end of 2019 and, to be honest with you, I rewatch ORIGINAL CAST ALBUM: COMPANY on a basis so routine that, on second thought, to be honest with you about it would embarrass me too greatly, but the other movie that did something for me in the bewildering swirl that was right-around-the-time-my-mother died, maybe the day it happened, isn't one I revisit, but it is worth noting. I was not going to prepare any food that day, which I barely incentivize myself to do when I'm not pulverized by the cruelty of fate, so I bought, I think, a poké bowl (spicy tuna, etc.) and a Mediterranean-style grain bowl (ancient grains, spicy feta cheese, etc.), and ate them both promptly and simultaneously. I felt sick. I could not do anything lest I risk throwing up. I watched SPACE JAM (I did not throw up! A small miracle).

I am I-saw-SPACE-JAM-in-the-theatre-and-it-was-age-appropriate years old. The soundtrack was a presence in my home. I have no tender feelings about it, but, watching it for the first time as an adult, its ludicrousness did completely take me out of what was happening to my soul and body. That's not nothing!

Maybe more happened then and it isn't coming to me now, but this is how I remember it.

#stephen sondheim #original cast album company #midsommar #space jam #joe pytka #da pennebaker #ari aster #grief #covid

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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1. It’s Thursday at noon, where are you usually? In bed, sleeping. Just like every other day.

2. Who are the last people to send you a text message? My dad and mom.

3. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now? I use a salon shampoo for red dyed hair.

4. What are you listening to right now? An ASMR video.

5. Do you watch MTV anymore? Yeah, I like to watch Catfish (I’ll watch it whenever it’s on) and Teen Mom OG/Teen Mom 2.

6. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? I’d check JCP. Their jeans always fit me the best and they’re good quality and inexpensive.

7. How do you feel about your hair? I just talked about this in a previous survey. I hate it right now.

8. What time do you wake up for school? I’m done with school, have been for 5 years.

9. What movie is in your DVD player? We use the PS4 to watch DVDs, but anyway there isn’t one at the moment.

10. Last two numbers in your phone number? Nah.

11. Who’s in your house? My parents, brother, doggo, and I.

12. What side of the bed do you sleep on? I sleep in the middle.

13. Do you like roller coasters? The only ones I like are Thunder Mountain Railroad and the Cars rollercoaster, both at Disneyland. I can handle those and they’re fun.

14. What magazine(s) do you look at the most? I haven’t read a magazine in several years.

15. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t.

16. What do you think about gay marriage? It’s been legal in California since 2008.

17. What do your pants look like? They’re black leggings.

18. Do you own an iPod? I still have my iPod Touch stored away, but I haven’t used it since like 2012.

19. What kind of cologne/perfume do you wear? I was wearing Into the Dark from Bath & Body Works, but I just got a new beachy one. I forget what it’s called at the moment.

20. What are your plans for Saturday? Same things as always.

21. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cellphone? I dropped one in a cup of 7-Up. It just somehow fell out of my hand and landed right in my cup.

22. Does mind over matter work for you? No. My emotions control me.

23. Are you paranoid? I can be.

24. What was the last thing you were invited to? Uhhhh. It’s been a long time since I’ve been invited to anything. People stopped asking me.

25. What item should never be shared? Your toothbrush.

26. Have you ever sat all the way through Gone With the Wind? I’ve never seen it.

27. When was the last time you were up all night? Every night.

28. Does drinking alcohol make you act more like your true self? Uhh. It made me more comfortable and chatty. I think my true self is who I am sober, which is shy and awkward.

29. Where is your favorite place? The beach.

30. Do you ever think about marriage? Only when surveys ask and I say I don’t want it. <<<< lol same.

31. Do you sleep with a fan on? Yes. I very rarely don’t have at least one fan on. During the summer I always have 3 on.

32. What is the best thing about winter? I love the weather, the holidays, the scents, the colors, everything.

33. Have you ever been truly in love? I honestly don’t know anymore.

34. How many states have you been to where all you saw was the airport? One.

35. Are you currently planning a trip? No. Who knows when I’ll be able to do that again.

36. How many plants are in your home? Zero.

37. Have you ever googled a name and found somebody? Yeah?

38. What is your favorite possession? Finn. Seems weird to think of him as an owned object, but legally he is. <<< Same with my doggo.

39. What makes you feel like you are young again? Going to Disneyland.

40. Do you ever type “kik” instead of “lol”? It’s happened.

41. Do you know how to play chess? Nope.

42. What are you worrying about right now? Anytime I don’t feel well I get scared because I don’t know if it’s my usual sickiness/crappiness or the virus. Before all this I wouldn’t think much of it if I didn’t feel well cause that’s not unusual for me. But now I always think what if it’s covid.

43. Are you picky? With food.

44. You have one wish, what would it be? Good health, physically and mentally. 45. Where were you at 11:45 PM today? I’ll be sleeping.

46. Ever talked to someone that was high? Yeah, many times.

47. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? Well, Alexander Skarsgard is 6′4.

48. Sent last message to? I last texted my dad yesterday.

49. Last person you left comment for? I don’t remember.

50. Do you have a Facebook? Yes.

51. What color is your underwear? Red.

52. Last person you were in the car with besides your family? I haven’t been in the car with anyone other than my family in years.

53. Do you own a polo? Nope.

54. Are you currently frustrated with a boy? No.

55. Are you excited for winter? I can’t wait. I wish I could just skip over summer.

56. If it was free and it would work perfectly, would you get plastic surgery? Like I say at least twice a week, only for reconstructive purposes. <<< Same.

57. Have you ever slapped someone in the face? Only very lightly in a playful way.

58. Have you ever been called prince or princess? Yeah.

59. Do you go to a gym? Nope.

60. Do you like your body? Nopeee.

61. What do you hear right now? An ASMR video.

62. Who was the last person to tell you “I love you”? My mom.

63. If you had to change your eye color, would you? What would it be? Blue.

64. Last thing you wrote your name on? I had to sign something recently.

65. What do you want for Christmas? I don’t know, that’s too far away. Not sure what Christmas will be like this year.

66. Does it snow where you live? Not in my city, unfortunately.

67. Where did you get the pants you’re wearing right now? My mom got them for me.

68. When is the next time you will see your grandma? My grandma passed away 15 years ago this November. :( I’m not sure when I’ll see my nana, it’s been 2 years since I last saw her. She and my papa live out of state and they used to travel here every summer and stayed for a few months, but my papa got sick and just with them getting older they couldn’t make the trip anymore. And unfortunately, due to health reasons, I wasn’t able to make the trip my dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin took last September to see them. Now with a pandemic going on, the health issues they’re dealing with, and the health stuff I’ve been dealing with, I don’t know when we’ll get to visit again and that scares me...

69. Do you wear makeup every day? I haven’t worn makeup in almost 3 years.

70. What is it tomorrow? Just another day.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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ginavandermark-blog · 5 years

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thatbluegibson · 5 years

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CH 102

Liz flopped into the plastic seat next to Dave and held up their line ticket, making him snort a laugh. "You waited for that number," he accused.

"I let four people go ahead of us," she grinned. "Further proof that no one should ever let people like us sign legal documents unsupervised."

Dave put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head against him, closing her eyes against the harsh fluorescent lighting while an Oasis song played faintly around them and the other people waiting in the county clerk's office. They sat in silence for a while when Liz abruptly rammed her elbow into Dave's ribs.

"Ow! Goddamnit, Liz!"

"I just remembered you almost killed me on the bike yesterday," she said casually.

Dave rubbed at his sore side and glared at her. "That was the only way I could get you to pull over," he protested. "And I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think you're an excellent rider, I knew you'd stay on the shiny side."

She looked at him for a beat before opening her mouth to reply, but a window opened up and their number was called.

"Sixty-nine!"

"Worth it!" Liz giggled and hopped up.

She held Dave's hand as they walked to the window and smiled kindly at the small woman behind the glass partition. She looked a little like Anne Ramsey, which made Liz homesick for Oregon and her worn Goonies DVD, and wore a name tag announcing her name was Bernadette.

"Hi, Bernadette-," Liz started, but the woman roughly interrupted her by speaking into the metal microphone attached to her desk, suspiciously eyeing her and Dave's joined hands.

"It's Bernie. Annulment or divorce?" her voice wafted through the glass as well as projected through a small speaker to their left, giving her a strange delay effect.

"Uh... Annulment, please."

"Reason?"

"Icelandic moonshine?" Liz shrugged and Dave looked down at his shoes to avoid laughing while Bernie glared over her bifocals at him.

"Lack of understanding to consent," she said firmly, sucking all the levity out of their immediate area and reaching for a stack of papers beside her.

"Whoa, wait," Liz dropped Dave's hand and put her face close to the small holes drilled into the glass so Bernie could hear her clearly. It didn't matter what the phrase 'lack of understanding to consent' meant in reality, Liz knew that it once the legal notifications hit the media the word consent would be twisted so far beyond its original meaning that Dave would ultimately end up branded as a predator. It would hit the tabloids the very second it became public record, which could be in a month, in a day or in a couple hours depending on how well oiled the Vegas annulment machine was, and their age difference would be front and center, making a complete mockery of their relationship. They didn't have time to get back to LA to prep statements, contact managers, assemble lawyers... there just wasn't time.

Bernie sighed deeply, "Look, if you're drunk, you can't consent. Legally, the place shouldn't have married you in the first place."

"What are the other options? Are there other options?" Liz felt herself getting desperate. The minor inconvenience of walking three blocks off the Vegas Strip to get an annulment was fine, dealing with the media once they announced that her and Dave had a drunken 'fake' Vegas wedding was okay, but she wasn't sure he could recover the 'Nicest Guy in Rock' status if it seemed he coerced his much younger girlfriend into marriage and she wasn't about to be the cause of that.

"Is this Thomas Jacob Black person ordained with the state of Nevada?"

Liz looked back hopefully at Dave, who just nodded at her with an apologetic smile.

"Then all you've got-," Bernie slammed her elbow on the desk and held up her fingers, ticking them off as she spoke, "Lack of understanding to consent; also known as the inability to monitor your own alcohol intake; underage, fraud, insanity, previous marriage-"

"That! We have those!" Liz glanced back at Dave again.

Bernie sat back in her government-issued ergonomic chair, "If you aren't already divorced, that would be bigamy and you'd both be arrested."

"No... no, no," Liz laughed nervously as her eyes darted to the bored looking state security guard in the corner. "Just a couple of previous divorcees looking for an annulment. Can we translate drunken stupor to insanity?"

"Is he impotent?" Bernie dropped her eyes to Dave's belt buckle and Liz awkwardly cleared her throat.

"I'm so sorry, Bernie. I think I misheard you."

Bernie readjusted the metal microphone causing a loud feedback squeal to echo around them and a silence fell over the crowded room when she yelled into the microphone, "Did you two have sex after signing the marriage certificate? Did you consummate your marriage?"

Liz leaned her elbows against the small counter in front of her and covered her face in her hands while Dave spoke loudly, looking around the room to make sure everyone that was staring could hear him, "Yes! More than once! Several times!"

"Okay then," Bernie went on, her voice quiet again, "your only option for an annulment is lack of understanding to consent." She pulled the paperwork from a folder next to her and slid it and a pen through the gap under the window. "Come back to me when you've finished filling this out."

They sat together on a wooden bench in the hallway and stared at the wall ahead of them. The annulment paperwork lay in the space between them, still unread and unsigned after almost a half hour. Nothing had been said since they left Bernie's window and Dave was desperate to know what Liz was thinking. Their conversation on the way to the clerk's office had been brief and light, assuring one another that this didn't change anything, it was just a minor inconvenience in the big picture that was their life together and someday soon they would laugh about it. Though to him, it still stung to know that she didn't want to be married... not right away at least.

He jumped when Liz suddenly snatched up the paperwork and began to read it over, dragging the pen tip across the words. Her decision obviously made, he slumped forward afraid and angry that he might cry at any moment. He let out a shaky breath as she began to sign and watched her out of the corner of his eye. He had seen her sign autographs before and always thought they looked a little like an EKG readout; a stylized E followed by what might be interpreted as a C with some sharp lines in between, but this legal signature was like something straight off the Constitution. Maybe she had taken a calligraphy course, maybe she had just read too many old English novels, but she was signing with the steady hand of an artist. His eyes drifted to her shoe when she began to nervously bounce her leg, shaking the bench they were on and realized her pen had stopped midway through her middle name. With his heart in his throat, he jumped again when she slammed the paper and pen back down on the bench, yanked her phone from her pocket and began to pace the hallway they were in.

"Hey Soph, it's Liz... I'm okay, how are you?... Good. So, listen. I'm sorry to call on a Sunday, but I'm in Vegas and-..." she covered her eyes with her hand as she listened and squeaked out a hesitant, "Yes, I did... I'm sorry, Sophie. It just happened and honestly, it was going to happen soon anyways and I tried to avoid all of this by getting an annulment, but... Soph, I just can't and-... wait, do a what?... " Dave watched her grab the paperwork off the bench beside him and unceremoniously jam it into a tall silver trash can. "Okay well, we're headed back tomorrow morning so I'll let you know as soon as we..."

He didn't bother listening to the rest of the conversation, he just threw himself at her and sent them both into the wall, shoving the phone away from her face so he could kiss her.

"Last barbeque at the rental!" Taylor announced and slapped Dave on the back as he stood in front of the grill. "You gonna miss our mornings out here on the decks?"

Dave chuckled at that. "Am I gonna miss seeing your balls every morning when you do your weird naked yoga? Hell no. I'll still give you the finger when I get the mail, so it'll feel like nothing's changed."

Taylor smiled and took a sip of his beer. "It's not yoga, jackass. I'm just stretching."

"Whatever. I'm sure whoever ends up here after me would appreciate you putting on pants, though."

Taylor lightly swatted Dave's ribs with the back of his hand and leaned against the patio table. "Shane said that Violet finally came around on the whole wedding thing."

Dave shuddered a little at the memory of Violet storming off when he and Liz broke the news. The others were thrilled, especially Jack and Ophelia, but Violet's little outburst had definitely put a damper on Liz's mood. "Yeah, Liz took her out to lunch yesterday and they hashed it out. I think an afternoon off from school helped sweeten the deal, but we're cool again."

Taylor offered a quiet nod in response, then watched him fuss over the meat and veggies on the grill for a bit until he started getting antsy. "Al said Liz is all set for next week." It was his delicate way of bringing up the fact that things were starting to get real and Liz would hopefully be pregnant very soon.

"Oh, she's primed and ready to go," Dave muttered bitterly. The myriad of medications and injections she suffered through every night were one thing, but the fact that she was off limits until the transfer appointment made him crazy. They had just gotten married and all he wanted was fool around with his wife, but no. The most action he'd had in days involved sticking a needle in the side of Liz's ass to prep her body for Taylor's babies. Only five more days. "Thanks, by the way."

"Sorry, dude," he laughed. "I know you're newlyweds, but it's only for a few weeks."

Dave's spine snapped straight and he spun around to look at his best friend. "Wait, what?"

Taylor's beer bottle slipped from his lips as he frowned in confusion. "She didn't tell you she can't have sex for like three weeks after the transfer?"

Dave very carefully set down the metal tongs he was holding, followed by his beer. "Hawkins, I'm giving you a ten-second head start. I suggest you take it."

Taylor mimicked Dave's intense calm as he set his own beer down, then took off like a shot across the deck and down into the backyard with Dave close behind, yelling all the way.

"You can do other stuff!" Taylor yelped. "You said yourself that she's really good at-"

His voice was halted by Dave snatching him up by the back of the board shorts and launching him into the pool, then diving in right after to hold him under for a beat. They wrestled and fought in the water until Dave caught sight of Liz up on the deck watching them with amusement.

"What the hell are you two doing?"

Dave held Taylor under again, his entire body lurching about as his friend fought against him. "We can't have sex for three weeks? When the hell were you going to tell me?"

Liz waited for Dave to release Taylor, his blonde head popping up as he took a gasping breath and tried to swim away, but Dave wasn't quite done with him yet. He grabbed Taylor by the waist and yanked him backward, holding him tightly against his chest.

"Just as soon as we left the transfer appointment," she called down to them as Taylor repeatedly bucked against Dave. "But it looks like Taylor is taking care of things in my absence. Thanks, T! Oh and Dave, your mom is here."

Virginia slowly walked out onto the deck next to Liz and surveyed her son waist deep in the pool, fully dressed while holding Taylor in a very compromising position.

"Hi, Mom!" he yelled with a wave, only to receive a slow head shake in return.

"Liz, please..."

She didn't answer him, just dragged her suitcase behind her down the front steps.

"Baby, let's talk about this. Please."

Again, no answer. Her hair flipped over her shoulder as she threw her suitcase into the back of her truck and she shot him a glare.

"Baby, I love you. I'm so sorry," he stepped between her and the driver's side door hoping to stop her before she sped out of his life.

"Are you?" her green eyes were like fire, sparking with tears and anger at the same time. "Are you actually sorry?"

"Dave?" He watched as Liz's focus moved from him to the leggy blonde yelling from the front door. "Dave, let her go and come back to bed!"

The rest of his surroundings jolted into sharp focus. The burn of the hot concrete on his bare feet, the sheet gripped tightly around his waist, the sun on his back and his wild hair blowing in his face. He had done it again, ruined everything for a pretty face with a warm body that was eager and willing to spend a couple hours in bed before being shipped off with taxi money and a signed NDA. This was marriage number three down the fucking tubes because he couldn't or wouldn't keep his pants on.

"Dave..."

No.

"Dave, wake up."

Don't want to. I want to lay behind your truck and let you run me over.

He heard her heavy sigh, but only cracked one eye open when he felt her lips on his forehead. She was wheeling her suitcase out of their bedroom, fully dressed in jeans and her leather jacket and his eyes drifted to the clock on her side of the bed clicking over to 5:58 am.

Shit, she's leaving me.

He bolted upright and out of bed, running after her down the stairs. She stopped on the landing where he tripped on the last step, sending them both crashing into the wall behind her.

"Jesus, Dave!" she stared up at him wide-eyed as he held her face in his hands.

"Don't leave me," he gasped, desperately kissing her as hard as he could.

"I'm not-," she stopped to pry his hands from her aching jaw. "I'm not leaving you!"

He pulled back only a little, still not willing to let her go. "What?"

"I have to work today," she said quieter, realizing he had been having one of his vivid dreams. "Remember? I told you last night, it's the first day of principal photography."

"Yeah," he muttered, his heart still pounding from his dream. "Yeah, I remember."

"Okay," she whispered and craned her neck to kiss his forehead before pushing him off of her. "I'll see you at the house tonight."

He only nodded, shifting so that he was sitting on the landing next to a pile of moving boxes with his back against the wall. "Can you call me? Like if you get a break or something?"

She looked back when she made it to the lower level and flashed him a smile. "Sure. Try to get some more sleep, okay? I love you."

"Thank you so much for coming early," Dave said once he'd finished shaking the realtor's hand. Their appointment wasn't until 5, but Dave had asked if they could meet at 4:30 before Liz even left the film set.

"No problem at all," he smiled warmly and slid the large manila envelope across the counter. "Gate codes and keys are in here along with the closing documents. Just have her sign the pink highlighted areas and get them back to me by Friday. In the meantime, it's all yours."

They exchanged pleasantries and the realtor left, leaving Dave alone in the mostly empty house. He wandered around looking into each space, imagining what his life there would be like.

In the kitchen, he envisioned Liz singing happy birthday and carrying a cake full of candles for one of the kids; the two of them dancing slowly in the dark late at night when neither of them could sleep; her fumbling with the coffee maker half asleep at dawn during the mad rush to get the kids off to school.

He pressed his shoulder into the wooden arch that made up the dining room entrance and smiled at the enormous table he had custom made as a gift for Liz, imagining the loud and crazy holiday dinners with both of their extended families; simple weeknights eating with the kids, talking about school and homework; and just the two of them sharing a bottle of wine at the far end, quietly talking about their day.

Spinning around to the living room, now with a permanent grin and butterflies rising in his chest, he stood in the middle and pictured her napping on the couch with a dog; her standing on her toes on the top rung of a ladder to hang an ornament on their ridiculously tall Christmas tree while he nervously spotted her from below; her repeatedly tossing popcorn at his face as he tried to focus on a movie...

Skipping the formal living room and office by the front door, he took the steps up two at a time and ran his fingers along the walls wondering what photos she would hang on the landing.

Upstairs in each of the bedrooms, he could see the kids. Planets and stars hanging from the ceiling in Jack's room, trucks and construction vehicles littering the floor in Owen's, Beatles gig posters for the walls in Harper's, a mic and guitar set up in the corner of Violet's and the chaotic disaster that Phee's room always seemed to be.

But the master bedroom was his most favorite space in the entire house. It had french doors leading out to a little balcony just big enough for two chairs and a table, a bathroom with a huge soaking tub that Liz had climbed into fully dressed the first day they looked at the house and separate walk-in closets. Their bed was already assembled and positioned across from the french doors where Dave had insisted it be. He wanted to wake up every morning with the sun at the foot of their bed, where the red in her hair would glow against the white pillowcase.

He moved out to the balcony and was leaning on the railing, staring at the shop and thinking about her wrenching on a bike in there when a chime rang out from the lower level. From his spot, he could see the front door was deserted and looked around in confusion when Liz's truck cruised down the long drive and parked just beside his. Oh, right. The gate alarm.

Taking the steps two at a time again, he chuckled when she knocked. He yanked the door open, about to remind her that this was her house, but the sight of her in a grey fitted sheath dress and black heels ripped the words right from him.

"Hey," she smiled shyly from the other side of the door. "You wanna buy a box of cookies, mister?"

"Depends," he managed only after clearing his throat and took her hand to drag her inside. "What kind?"

"Oh, I've got lotsa kinds...," she mused, tossing her bag and keys on the kitchen counter before he pulled her out onto the deck. "Chocolate, peanut butter, those mint ones that everyone claims to love but are actually horrible, shortbr- oh."

She stopped at the sight of two teak chairs with deep red cushions set together on the wide part of the deck and a small table between them holding a bottle of champagne, glasses and a single flickering candle.

"Nice, David," she teased and let him pull her along, ignoring the second chair and choosing his lap to sit on instead.

"How was work?" he asked, reaching over to hand her a glass.

"Good," she thought as she sipped her champagne. "It was fun. JB can't wait to crash our first house party."

Dave chuckled at that and sat back as she leaned her head on his shoulder. He pressed his lips into her forehead and kept them there as he spoke, "Let's get that out of the way before we move the furniture in so he doesn't ruin anything."

She just smiled and closed her eyes, listening to the last of the birds sing before they retreated to their nests for the night.

"Oh shit," he muttered and shifted in the chair so he could reach into his pocket. "I almost forgot."

Liz grumbled at the movement, just wanting to sit in the quiet with him when he held her silver ring up in front of her, the same ring he had put on and then later tore off her finger back in Vegas.

"This is yours."

She didn't move at first, just felt the words rumble in his chest and stared at the band, thinking back on their silly little Vegas wedding until he twisted it just enough that the waning light caught the inscription inside. The engraving was in her Pops' shakey handwriting, done the night before his wedding to her grandmother in the mid-'50s.

Put it back on

"Dave?" she whispered, frozen against him. "Where did you get that?"

"Your dad gave it to me," he took her hand and eased it back on to her finger, then admired it for a moment. "Said I was the only man for the job."

She used her free hand to pull his face to hers and softly kissed him before dropping her head back to his shoulder. "He's right."

Neither of them were sure how much time had passed, but they sat together in an easy silence listening to the last of the birds and the breeze in the birch trees until the only light on the deck was from the little candle on the table beside them.

"Babe?"

Liz hummed her response, almost sound asleep on his shoulder.

"Do you feel like you're home?"

She picked her head up and looked back at the dark house, just the sight of it making her feel disoriented and out of place. It wasn't home yet. But then she turned back to him and slipped her left hand into his, their rings clicking against each other as she kissed him, then breathed against his lips, "Yep. I'm definitely home."

#ThatBlueGibson

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rinnnyxr · 3 years

Text

Childhood | bold the things you’ve done

ran upstairs after turning off basement lights pretended to smoke when it was cold pushed down all the knobs on multicolor pens poked holes in erasers tried to force magnets of the same pole together built forts out of blankets and pillows struggled opening otter pops blackmailed your siblings spoke into a fan to get a robotic voice poured water into the bottle cap and drank it like a shot

hid inside clothing racks pretended the floor was lava watched raindrops race in the car window used cardboard rolls as telescopes for binoculars walked up the stairs on all fours got annoyed when you were forced to talk to relatives had to pretend you knew people you hadn’t seen in years burned yourself on a metal slide got shocked by playground equipment ruined your palms from the monkey bars had fun pushing the shopping cart really fast thought eating a seed meant a plant would grow inside you loved annoying people by copying their every word

I am: a Virgo (80%)...both in this and in reality

My job requires me to wake up pretty early. I’ve driven a car today. I worked today. No one can ever remember when my birthday is. I pay attention to details I have a Blackberry phone. I’m always thinking about what tattoo I want next. My cell phone provider is Verizon. My short term memory is shit. I’m nineteen years old. I’ve bought a CD this month. I’m currently wearing shorts. I procrastinate procrastinating, that’s how bad I am. I love blaring music. I’ve been in a tattoo shop this month. I’m planning on getting another tattoo soon. I go on Facebook from my phone. My feet are always falling asleep. I haven’t bought a DVD in a long time. I hate pumping gas into a car. I get high when I come home from work. I’m attracted to tattoos. Not even the guy behind it. Just tattoos. I can’t even walk around sometimes without getting winded. I have a love hate relationship with cigarettes. I’ve been to the doctors recently. My lips crack a lot and it’s really annoying and painful. I feel like I live at the mall. I curl my hair more than I straighten it. My room’s always a mess. I don’t need to workout because of how active I am at my job. I put something new up on my walls recently. I hate my room so much. I’m constantly whacking my hips against shit. I’m always embarrassing myself. Pizza is all I’ve eaten today I’d rather be alone right now I’d rather solve your problems than my own I say I’m going to do something but then I usually don’t do it One of my siblings has been to jail more than once My parents are no longer together and my dad re-married I regret getting my hair cut because I miss my long hair My arms are sore right now I’m going camping this weekend I live right on the border of my home state Rainy days are my favorite kind of days I’m extremely addicted to Vanilla Frappucinos Google Chrome is the shit I get homesick even if I’m 3 hours away I have a prepaid credit card and I love it My cell phone is white and has a full keyboard I crack my knuckles religiously I have been single for well over a year I’m going to be legal this summer and I can’t wait! Most of my friends are having kids but I sure as hell am not

You're nineteen and a vegetarian.

You've been a vegetarian for over a year.

You don't like John Lennon.

You are studying Mandarin Chinese.

You have blue eyes and white hair.

People often mistaken you for sixteen or under.

You enjoy reading and mathematics.

You wish your family was healthier mentally.

Your favorite flavour of tea is mint.

You listen to foreign music.

You watch the anime Naruto Shippuden.

You prefer routine to your day.

You've never attended a concert.

You're Chinese.

Your favorite sport is basketball.

Your favorite basketball team is the Lakers.

You basically want to marry Kobe Bryant.

You have a Samsung S4.

You hate English quite a lot.

You like playing card games.

You think people who play League of Legends is stupid.

You are often jealous of anything trying to take something away from you.

Your parents are scientists.

You are really good at physics.

You prefer noodles over rice.

You want to own a BMW when you're older.

You were in choir in high school.

You like spicy food.

You're short compared to your friends.

You really like Hello Kitty and try to own a lot of it.

Your father is slowly dying.

Your mother is studying in a university.

You have a crush on someone who is younger than you.

You like to eat apples a lot.

You've had braces and they were recently taken out.

You recently decided to have bangs for your hair.

You eat rice at least every other day.

You live in a huge house.

You have multiple strangers living in your house with you.

You got a large amount of Halloween candy last year.

You are really good at badminton.

You like to watch Asian reality shows.

You have no siblings.

You hate your name.

You are very aggressive.

You overeat a lot and feel very guilty afterwards.

You are used to being left out.

You hate missing the person you care for.

You are a slow learner.

You don't like your teeth.

You have dyed your hair orange before.

Your friends think you have a great taste in music.

You would chose food over love anyday.

You often swear too much.

You have an older sister.

Your mother owns a beautiful car.

You are only nice to people you trust.

You like mood rings.

You obsess over Candy Crush.

You have an iPad or iPad Mini.

You prefer your hair in a ponytail more.

You have very noticable dimples.

You always use a cute voice with people.

You have a blue bicycle.

0 notes

animesavior · 6 years

Photo

“Lupin, i have one more thing to ask of you. Let me have your name. Let me be Mrs. Lupin. It's not for the tabloids, I'm being serious. No matter how far away you are, all you have to do is hear the name Mrs. Lupin, and you'll know it's me. It'll be our own secret code. I want you to see it, Lupin. To watch me grow into a...good woman. I need to grow up into someone you can't live without.“

- Rebecca Rossellini, Lupin the Third (Ep. 26)

The Toonami Trending Rundown for January 20-21, 2018. It’s a night of ends and new beginnings as among other moments, Dragon Ball Super begins the Future Trunks saga, while Asta gets recruited by the Black Bulls, and of course, we reach the thrilling conclusion of Lupin the Third: Part IV.

On Twitter, Toonami would trend as with every show during their respective East Coast airings, as well Hunter x Hunter and Outlaw Star as well during their respective West Coast airings. Lupin The Third in particular trended both US and Worldwide, making sure it completed its current run on a high note. Meanwhile on Tumblr, Toonami would also trend as with Dragon Ball Super, DBZ, JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure and Hunter x Hunter.

This week’s feature was a game review of Animal Crossing Pocket Camp for the iOS and Android, as one of Nintendo’s first forays into conventional mobile devices. Interestingly enough, this was the first time Toonami has ever reviewed a game released on mobile devices, and was also reviewed by Dana Swanson, the voice of SARA, herself. It received a 7.5 out of 10 score.

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As we begin seeing the English dub of the Future Trunks saga, those who watched ahead to where the sub is currently at will know that Toei has announced that the finale of the Universe Survival Saga, set to end in late March will serve as the series finale for Super. While this chapter of Dragon Ball will soon reach its conclusion, this most likely won’t be the end of the franchise, as Toei is presently hard at work producing the 20th feature film as well as mapping the franchise’s general path going forward, to say nothing about the manga, video games, and various other content for the future. Toei has hinted a potential continuation of the anime series down the line, so we’ll see what happens in the months and years ahead. Of course, we still have 84 episodes left to go until Toonami itself reaches that point, so this could allow the dub to catch up in time for the potential sequel, depending on how long this hiatus is among various other factors. Regardless of what happens, it’s been a great ride so far to see Dragon Ball continuing to shine both inside and outside Toonami’s scope, and I’m personally very confident on what the future of this great anime franchise is ahead.

And speaking of DBS, for those wanting to get more of your Dragon Ball fix, Arc System Works and Bandai Namco have just released the newest video game fighter to the franchise, Dragon Ball FighterZ, presently available on all major platforms except for the Switch.

To commemorate Lupin’s finale, Jose Argumedo and Discotek had another Q&A periscope livestream with several of the show’s staff and voice actors including Richard Epcar (co director and voice of Jigen), Ellyn Stern (co director and voice of several minor characters), Lex Lang (the voice of Goemon), Michelle Ruff (the voice of Fujiko), and Doug Erholtz (the voice of Zenigata).

Ever since Monkey Punch began publishing the original manga in 1967, Lupin the Third has grown to be a very illustrious media franchise, with numerous manga, anime, anime films and OVAs and the like released over the decades. Back in 2003, Adult Swim in its early days aired 26 episodes of Part 2, though episode 3 was skipped over for content issues, and the remaining 129 episodes of part 2 never aired for various reasons. While Lupin’s legacy among long time Adult Swim viewers and Toonami Faithful isn’t as large as some of Toonami and Adult Swim’s other highly acclaimed and well requested classics, the series still is pretty well regarded among fans and the Toonami crew to this day, and it perhaps comes as no surprise that Lupin was looked into to make a comeback to the better cartoon show, especially with the series having a renaissance on the Japanese TV scene.

In 2016, Toonami attempted to bring Lupin back with The Woman Called Fujiko Mine, following the end of Michiko and Hatchin’s run (both series were directed by Sayo Yamamoto, whom would also go on to create Yuri on Ice) however issues regarding nudity (ie. too many boobies to censor) would have required Toonami to heavily chop the show’s content into bits barring objections from the network and advertisers, forcing them to choose an encore run of Samurai Champloo instead. While Toonami found a way to air the likes of Black Lagoon, Hellsing, Kill la Kill, and soon episode 23 of Outlaw Star with as little edits as they could to appease the network and advertisers in that regard, Toonami decided that that the amount of censoring needed that time around just wasn’t worth it.

But Toonami and Lupin fans would not give up, as over a year later, Lupin would eventually find its way back onto Adult Swim, as Toonami partnered up with Discotek to bring in the newest edition of the main Lupin series in part IV, the first acquisition for Toonami from Discotek and the first from TMS since 2003. While Discotek has been around since 2005, considering that they mainly focus on classic titles and underrated gems, including helping to bring IGPX DVDs back into production, and it wasn’t until 2016 with Lupin that they started producing dubs, its not a surprise that this company was under the radar from many fans and perhaps even the Toonami crew as an acquisition partner for so long. Then again, classics and underrated gems are sometimes just what Toonami needs.

One of the earliest hints that this was going to occur was when Jason released a poll to gauge interest on shorter shows like Tokyo Ghoul, Mob Psycho 100, and Lupin potentially airing on the block. While industry politics among other factors between Toonami and the distributors have unfortunately dashed Mob’s Toonami hopes for now, Tokyo Ghoul would get its shot on March, while Lupin would finally make its return on June 17, 2017 as Toonami premiered the English Dub premiere of Part IV.

26 episodes of Lupin and his crew doing what they do best and avoiding Zenigata to do so, finding love with Rebecca, and solving the mystery of Leonardo Di Vinci, and now this season is in the books. During Part IV’s run, the hashtag #LupinThe3rd trended in the US during all but 2 weeks of its run as well as worldwide during the season finale. The show did not produce any character trends or trended on tumblr during its run.

For those wanting to check out more Lupin in the interim, Discotek has been hard at work producing and re-releasing Blu-rays and DVDs of Lupin’s previous installments and several films, so feel free to check those out. And of course, this won’t be end of Lupin as TMS and Telecom Animation Film are presently working on a part V to the franchise, set to premiere in Japan this upcoming April as Lupin and the gang travel to France, the home of Lupin’s grandfather. The sub will be simulcasted on Crunchyroll and Hulu.

No word yet if and when Discotek will be tasked to dub the new season or if Toonami will pick up this new installment down the line, but we’ll see what happens. As I would say with every potential show and every successful Toonami show looking to return for a continuation, if you wish to see Lupin return for Part V and perhaps beyond, keep supporting the show by legal means and to send your show recommendations to Toonami's Facebook and Tumblr message boxes as well as letting Discotek know in their respective outlets.

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Regardless of what happens, Lupin’s return was quite a fun ride for both fans watching since Adult Swim’s early days (and perhaps even before then) and the new fans it gained along the way, and I’m sure I can speak for every fan that we’re all looking forward to what adventures Lupin and the crew will be taking in the future. So until then, Arrivederci, Lupin, and hope to see you again soon.

As previously mentioned, there was a show that was originally supposed to replace Lupin on the schedule, but unfortunately Toonami and the distributors ran into some legal issues preventing a broadcast, delaying the show announcement and premiere to a future date. We’ll keep you posted on when it does happen as well as any other incoming shows in the year to come, but in the meantime, Space Dandy will be having an encore run beginning tonight at 2:30 am, while Naruto Shippuden and Outlaw Star also move up to 1:30 and 2 am respectively in the interim. Until then, see you again next week and stay dandy, baby.

Legend: The shows listed are ordered based on their appearance on the schedule. Show trends are listed in bold. The number next to the listed trend represents the highest it trended on the list (not counting the promoted trend), judging only by the images placed in the rundown. For the Twitter tweet counts, the listed number of tweets are also sorely based on the highest number shown based on the images on the rundown.

United States Trends:

Toonami/#Toonami [#6]

#DragonBallSuper [#8]

#DBZKai [#7]

#BlackClover [#9]

#JoJosBizarreAdventure [#8]

#GundamIBO [#8]

#HunterXHunter [#6]

#LupinThe3rd [#1]

#Shippuden [#9]

#OutlawStar [#8]

#CowboyBebop [#6]

#GhostInTheShell [#6]

Worldwide Trends:

#LupinThe3rd [#10]

Tweet Counts:

Toonami [8,616 tweets]

#Toonami [11.7k tweets]

#DragonBallSuper [12.8k tweets]

#DBZKai [10.5k tweets]

#BlackClover [9,102 tweets]

#JoJosBizarreAdventure [11.8k tweets]

#GundamIBO [10.3k tweets]

#HunterXHunter [11.1k tweets]

#LupinThe3rd [19.7k tweets]

#Shippuden [10.1k tweets]

#OutlawStar [10.9k tweets]

#CowboyBebop [12.2k tweets]

#GhostInTheShell [10.1k tweets]

Tumblr Trends:

#toonami

#dragon ball super

#dbz

#jojo’s bizarre adventure

#hunter x hunter

Notes and Other Statistics:

#GundamIBO: @WhoTrendedIT reported that @KyleMcCarley started the trend in the US.

Special thanks to @coreymbarnes, @jmb70056, @mmorse1017, and others I forgot to mention for spotting some of the trends on this list.

The Grind is Real. Only Toonami on [adult swim] on Cartoon Network.

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dweemeister · 4 years

Photo

The African Queen (1951)

Nobody in Hollywood seemed to want to adapt The African Queen in the late 1940s. The Hemingwayesque production, based on a novel by C.S. Forester, has elements considered unmarketable then and now: a slovenly male lead playing off a prim and proper female lead, middle-aged romance among two people who are not married nor know each other intimately, locales that might require on-location shooting in Africa. Warner Bros. carried the rights to a possible adaptation, looking for a buyer by 1947. Director John Huston – a year before directing The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948) and fresh off his service directing films for the United States Army’s Signal Corps – and writer James Agee were fans of the novel, becoming acquainted after the latter wrote a glowing piece on Huston’s The Battle of San Pietro (1945), an Army documentary.

Agee and Huston convinced Sound Services, Inc., an audio equipment company loaning out equipment to film productions, to finance the project. In return, Huston and Agee promised to pay back the cost of the production and to exclusively use Sound Services’ material. United Artists would distribute The African Queen in the U.S., with most of the film to be shot on location in present-day Uganda and the Democratic Republic of the Congo (then the Belgian Congo). The shoot demanded spartan living conditions and almost everyone became ill; you know that a production’s history is the stuff of legend when your principal actress writes a book entitled The Making of The African Queen or How I went to Africa with Bogart, Bacall and Huston and almost lost my mind. I think you get the idea. For the interests of time, let’s get to the film.

In German East Africa (present-day Tanzania), two British Methodist missionaries are tending to their local flock. Rev. Samuel Sayer (Robert Morley) and sister Rose (Katharine Hepburn) are holding services when Canadian sailor-mechanic Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart; whose character delivers supplies to riverside villages) brings his steamboat into town, warning that Germany and Britain are at war for reasons that are unclear to him. The Sayers dismiss Charlie’s warnings, but soon witness the Kaiser’s colonial troops burn the village and impress the locals to serve in the German military. Samuel is beaten by a German soldier, succumbing a few days later. Charlie returns, finding only Rose amid the charred wreckage. They must travel down the Ulanga River to a lake guarded by a gunboat, the Königin Luise, which is preventing any British advances. Charlie, prone to drinking more than anyone would prefer their savior in such a situation, is an able skipper. His conversations with Rose are filled with good humor and, despite their differences in temperament and character, they become much closer to each other.

Though filming in the middle of the Ugandan and Congolese wilderness may have infected the cast and crew with life-threatening diseases, The African Queen is never anything but a joy to watch – as long as the viewer notes that this film solely focuses on its two protagonists and their harrowing adventure to escape the clutches of faceless German soldiers with the shooting accuracy of SPECTRE henchpersons or Imperial stormtroopers (of the Star Wars type). Once Samuel dies in the opening minutes of the movie, the banter between Bogart and Hepburn becomes not the battle of the sexes one might expect from a 1930s screwball comedy, but a clash of deportment and sobriety. Bogart, adapting his rough-edged persona from Warner Bros.’ gangster and noir films for the African wilderness, plays off Hepburn – and her character’s behavioral rigidity, one that is perturbed by washing her bloomers in the presence of a man – splendidly (and vice versa).

What appears to be a simple adventure film partly becomes a comedy soon after they sail downriver in The African Queen (the name of Charlie’s boat). Not that The African Queen becomes farce, but its humorous lines are borne out of Charlie and Rose’s realization that to despair about their unlikely situation will not be of any help. They accept each other’s personal differences soon after setting sail, intuiting the absurdity of their predicament, and making wry observations of the other. This is where the film’s humor comes from: behavioral observations and their personal experiences – one borne from bottles and tins, the other from Bibles and psalm sheet music. The screenplay takes no sides and does not advocate for Charlie or Rose’s lifestyle over the other. It refuses to condemn Charlie for his drunkenness or the reasons for his perpetual inebriation; nor, too, does it make a mockery of Rose’s faith and uptightness. Credit screenwriters Peter Viertel (1942’s Saboteur, 1957’s The Sun Also Rises); John Collier (a short story writer for The New Yorker); Huston; and Agee for the balancing act they deftly navigate here.

Cinematographer Jack Cardiff (a regular of Powell and Pressburger’s, including 1947’s Black Narcissus and 1948’s The Red Shoes) is a lighting master, with his finest work emerging in the late 1940s and early ‘50s. The foliage-filled frames of The African Queen posed a difficult environment for Cardiff – who, like any mid-century cinematographer, was used to shooting in a soundstage. Now liberated by the stage-bound confines but hampered by the geography and biological density of his surroundings, Cardiff enlivens the jungle with his photography. The river – which Cardiff described in his memoir as, “incredibly black–like squid ink” – gurgles and laps against the banks, creasing into white water only when the ship sails faster than usual. The river in The African Queen can be narrow at times, and it is a wonder how Cardiff is able to fit so much into the frame (as well as demonstrating that it requires some skill to drive the boat).

The African Queen is technically a World War I film. The WWI films released in the early twentieth century are acclaimed for their depictions of a conflict defined by nonsensical destruction and the respective traumas that soldiers carried home with them, that civilians suffered while maintaining nationalistic, patriotic visages. The best WWI films almost always comment about the hideous losses incurred during that war, decrying the loss of lives by piling responsibility on those who decided to wage it – the recent release of Sam Mendes’ 1917 (2019) is a technical masterpiece of production design, cinematography, and invisible editing, but its near-absence of commentary prevents it from consideration when judging the best films about the Great War. Note when The African Queen is set. It is the opening days and weeks of World War I, and Charlie and Rose do not know anything about the particular of why war has been declared. It seems fair that, given the situation, The African Queen does not contain any such commentary often associated with World War I films.

When reading about World War I, we often learn about the Western and Eastern European fronts, as well as the Middle Eastern theater. What about Sub-Saharan Africa? The film, although not based on an actual event, seems to adhere to certain realities: Imperial Germany waged guerrilla warfare against British colonial troops with the intention of keeping them there, disallowing the British from redeploying those troops to other theaters of war. The Germans also forcibly conscripted thousands of locals as their civilian police or as irregular armed forces, but this probably was not a systematic program in the opening days of the war. The film does not dwell on the fate of these locals; I am not sure that doing so might serve any narrative benefit to The African Queen if it did.

Constant heat and humidity, as well as animals such as tsetse flies, crocodiles, scorpions, snakes, and biting black ants plagued the cast and crew. Washing dishes in unsanitary river water contributed to the dysentery. As mentioned previously, the near-death stories of anyone who flew out to present-day Uganda and the Democratic Republic of the Congo are too many to mention, but it appears that the principals – Huston, Bogart, and Hepburn – generally viewed their unusual adventures in the wilderness with some affection. The most recent print of The African Queen, released in 2010 by Paramount (the current holder of the film’s rights in the United States), is a marked improvement from the legally murky DVD release in the 2000s.

The African Queen is not going to have a film academic’s tongue wagging for any innovations or Grand Statements of Human Existence, but it is an entertaining, rollicking ride of an adventure movie. The dynamic of its two leads, stunning Technicolor cinematography, and incredible use of the on-location environs make it an effortless watch (I am not saying the film is mindless), and something that can be easily recommended.

My rating: 10/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. The African Queen is the one hundred and fifty-seventh feature-length or short film I have rated a ten on imdb.

#The African Queen #John Huston #Humphrey Bogart #Katharine Hepburn #Jack Cardiff #Robert Morley #Peter Bull #Theodore Bikel #Walter Gotell #Peter Swanwick #Richard Marner #Allan Gray #Ralph Kemplen #James Agee #Peter Viertel #John Collier #TCM #My Movie Odyssey

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itbeatsbookmarks · 4 years

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(Via: Hacker News)

It can be hard to see the gradual improvement of most goods over time, but I think one way to get a handle on them is to look at their downstream effects: all the small ordinary everyday things which nevertheless depend on obscure innovations and improving cost-performance ratios and gradually dropping costs and new material and… etc. All of these gradually drop the cost, drop the price, improve the quality at the same price, remove irritations or limits not explicitly noticed, or so on.

It all adds up.

So here is a personal list of small ways in which my ordinary everyday daily life has been getting better since the late ’80s/early ’90s (as far back as I can clearly remember these things—I am sure the list of someone growing up in the 1940s would include many hassles I’ve never known at all).

When I think back, so many hassles have simply disappeared. I remember my desk used to be crowded with things like dictionaries and pencil sharpener, but between smartphones & computers, most of my desk space is now dedicated to cats. Ordinary life had a lot of hassles too, I remembered once I started thinking about it. These things rarely come up because so many of them are about removing irritations or creating new possibilities—dogs that do not bark, and ‘the seen and the unseen’—and how quickly we forget that the status quo was not always so. Limiting myself to my earliest relatively clear memories of everyday life in the 1990s, I still wound up making a decent-sized list. Now, imagine if I could have extended this back another decade. Then another decade. Then another few decades…

(For broader metrics of increase in well-being such as life expectancy, income, pollution, slavery, poverty etc, see Our World in Data, the Performance Curve Database, the work of Hans Rosling like Gapminder, Human Progress.org etc.)

Roughly divided by topic:

the Internet/human genetics/AI/VR are now actually things

electric cars will be ordinary things in 5–10 years; self-driving cars not long after that

not rewinding VHS tapes

not watching crummy VHS tapes, period

not making a dozen phone calls playing phone tag, to set up something as simple as a play date

hotels and restaurants provide public Internet access by default, without nickel-and-diming customers or travelers; this access is usually via WiFi

satellite Internet & TV are affordable & common for rural people

not worrying about running out of AOL hours

not being yelled at for tying up the phone line

USB cables mean that for connecting or recharging, we now only need to figure out ~10 different plugs instead of 1000+ (one for every pairwise device combo)

programmers able to assume users have 4GB RAM rather than 4MB RAM

not needing to know the difference between PLIP, SLIP, IRQ, TCP/IP, or PPP to get online

Linux X, WiFi, and laptops usually work

no longer needing to clean computer mice weekly thanks to laser mice

electronics prices keep falling to the point where people whine endlessly online if a top-end VR headset or smartphone costs less in real terms than a Nintendo NES did in 1983 ($1003071983) or a Sony Walkman cassette player in 1979 ($1504831979), and kids couldn’t even imagine having to pay $501131990 for a new copy of Super Mario Bros. 31—a far cry from paying $5 these days for a great PC game during a Steam sale.

hearing aids are a small fraction the size, have gone digital with multiple directional microphones (higher-quality, customizable, noise-reduction), halved or more in price, become water-resistant, and even do tricks like Bluetooth

wheeled luggage no longer expensive or rare, but cheap & ubiquitous

not getting lost while frantically driving down a freeway; or anywhere else, for that matter

most books and scientific papers can be downloaded conveniently and for free

search engines typically turn up the desired result in the first page, even if it’s a book or scientific paper; one doesn’t need to resort to ‘meta-search engines’ or enormous 20-clause Boolean queries

smartphones: far too much to list… (eg careless smartphone photographs are higher-quality than most film cameras from a few decades ago, particularly in niches like dark scenes)

spaced repetition has escaped the cognitive psychology labs

nuisance software patents have been expiring (eg GIF, arithmetic encoding, MP3)

catching the tail end of a cartoon on TV and being able to look it up instead of wondering for the rest of one’s life what it was about

having fansubs available for all anime (no longer do anime clubs watch raw anime and have to debate afterwards what the plot was! Yes, that’s actually how they’d watch anime back in the 1970s–1990s when fansubs were often unavailable)

everything is available subtitled, not just TV

most programs have a usable FLOSS equivalent and in some areas FLOSS is taken so for granted that new programmers are unaware they used to have to pay for even text editors/compilers or that Linux is Communism

we no longer need to strategize which emails to delete to save space

not worrying about Blockbuster or library fines

houses which are insulated and uniformly comfortably warm, rather than leaky and using heaters running constantly creating drafts and hot/cold spots

hot water heaters increasingly heat water on demand, and do not run out while shocking the bather

stoves which are increasingly induction-based and safe rather than fire hazards burners/gas

riding lawn mowers are affordable & common for rural people

power tools (such as drills, leaf blowers, or lawn mowers) are increasingly battery-powered, making them more reliable & quieter & less air-polluting

speaking of batteries: batteries are built-in—remember how advertisements always had to say “no batteries included”?—so no more mad scrambles at Christmas for AA or AAA batteries to power all the presents (which could easily add $5111990–$10231990 to the total cost!)

cars last longer and get better mileage

airplane flights no longer cost an appreciable fraction of your annual income2, and people can afford multiple trips a year.

coats are thinner, more comfortable, and warmer thanks to better forms of synthetic fiber and insulation

laser pointers are no longer exotic executive toys or for planetariums, they’re things you buy off eBay for $1 for your cat

LED lights are more energy-efficient, heat rooms less & are safer, smaller, turn on faster, and are brighter than incandescents or fluorescents

movie theater seats have become far more comfortable as movie theaters competed with DVDs/home-theaters & Internet & video games (and concession prices seem like they’ve increased less than inflation)

the European Union & single Euro currency make the EU easier to understand & travel in it much less tricky and expensive

we no longer have to worry about our car windows being smashed to steal our radios, or our GPSes

car security alarms no longer go off endlessly in parking lots

all cars have electrified power windows; I don’t remember the last time I had to physically crank down a car window

radio stations have minimal static

TVs no longer have rabbit ears that require regular adjustment

LASIK surgery has gone from an expensive questionable novelty to a cheap, routine, safe cosmetic surgery

teddy bears & other toys are much more cuddly and silky

clothing has become almost “too cheap to meter”; the idea of, say, darning socks is completely alien3, clothing companies routinely burn millions of pounds of clothes because it’s cheaper than the cost of selling them, and Africa is flooded by discards.

materials science has produced constant visible-yet-invisible improvements in textiles yielding, among other things, far better insulated (and cheaper) winter jackets: instead of choosing between winter coats which make you look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or freezing (and if you get wet, freezing anyway) or exotic ultra-expensive garments aimed at mountain climbers, you can now buy ordinary (and much cheaper) winter coats which are amazingly thin and work even better to keep you warm—so much so that you have to be careful to not buy too well-insulated a coat, lest you swelter at the slightest exertion and be placed between the Scylla of overheating & the Charybdis of opening your coat to the freezing air to cool.

it is now reasonably safe and feasible to live in a big city like NYC, Chicago, or DC

crime, violence, teen pregnancy, and abuse drug use in general kept falling, benefiting everyone (even those not prone to such things) through externalities

Nicotine gum & patches no longer require a doctor’s prescription to buy (although moral panics have produced retrogression on nicotine vaping fluid)

marijuana has been medicalized or legalized in many states

air quality in most places has continued to improve, forest cover has increased, and more rivers are safe to fish in

board games have been revolutionized by the influx of German/European-style games, liberating us from the monopoly of Monopoly

shipping/logistics has become cheaper, faster, more reliable, and more convenient in every way:

USPS introduced self-adhesive stamps in the early 1990s, and by 2010, licking stamps was almost nonexistent

most people recognize rebates/coupons are scams, and the rise of discounters/warehouse stores/Internet shopping has largely obviated them

you can avoid ripoff mattress stores by ordering online, thanks to compact vacuum-compressed foam mattresses which can be shipped easily

the cost of shipping goods has plummeted

shipping speeds have dramatically improved for lower-cost tiers: consider Christmas shopping from a mail-order company or website in 1999 vs 2019—you used to have to order in early December to hope to get something by Christmas (25 December) without spending $30511999 extra on fast shipping, but now you can get free shipping as late as 19 December!

coffee/tea/alcohol:

decent loose-leaf tea widely available

microbrews/craft beers have revolutionized beer varieties & availability (similar things could be said of wine, cider, and mead)

McDonald’s coffee which doesn’t explode in one’s lap while trapped in a car and causing disfiguring third-degree burns

McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts coffee, and mass market coffee in general, no longer taste like ‘instant char-fee’

Keurig & other coffee machines which heat the water separately from the coffee-making are increasingly common, especially in hotels; this means that tea drinkers (like myself) can make tea which doesn’t taste hopelessly like coffee due to ineradicable coffee contamination

fast food in general has gotten much better: much tastier, and we don’t worry about getting salmonella or E. coli from our burgers

even mass-market grocery stories like Walmart increasingly routinely stock an enormous variety of exotic foods, from sushi to goat cheese to kefir

‘meat’ is an accepted fad diet

sous vide cooker have gone from devices bought only by professional European chefs for thousands of dollars to a popular $70 kitchen gadget

restaurants have gone from smoking, to smoking sections, to non-smoking entirely; and smoking in public has become rare

fresh guacamole can be easily bought due to pressure pasteurization (“Pascalization”), avoiding the inexorable spoilage of regular guacamole and buying fresh guacamole from the supermarket only to forget about it for a day and discovering it’s ruined

tasteless mealy bitter-skinned “Red Delicious” apples are still dismayingly common, but now one can buy (in most supermarkets) far superior varieties of apples, such as Honeycrisp apples (beginning 1991) or SweeTango apples (beginning 2009)

you no longer need to cook sausages to death because trichinosis is now rare.

Brussels sprouts no longer taste quite so bad

Part of why I never got an SNES or Super Mario Bros 3, despite enjoying it a lot whenever I could play it with my friends.↩︎

Where do you think all the money came from for those pretty stewardesses & elaborate meals in those glamorous Pan Am flights? Even much more recently, that $2896561990 average airfare in 1990 is not quite so amusing when you inflation-adjust it to today.↩︎

Have you ever noticed how much time even ‘middle class’ mothers used to spend sewing up pants or darning socks or organizing family clothes banks even as recently as the 1970s or 1980s? Somewhere around then, mothers stopped teaching their daughters how to sew or make clothes—I think less because of any feminism and more because it no longer seems like a particularly worthwhile skill to learn, especially given pressure from other uses of time like sports or homework. My grandmother in the 1950s routinely made whole outfits—dresses and pants and socks—for her family, while my mother only sewed under considerable duress, and my sisters couldn’t use a sewing machine at all (until one of them took up jewelry as a hobby as an adult). When I’ve asked about other families, this has been a common pattern.↩︎

#IFTTT #Feedly

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cinemamablog · 4 years

Text

Region B Wishlist

Whenever I used to visit Amoeba Music on Sunset Blvd (which was at least once a month, 2016 through 2017), I’d make a beeline for the staircase, up up and away to the movie department. Directly to my right at the top of the staircase, in a display rack stretching the entire length of the floor, sat a single column of movies known to me as the “non-Region A” section. I could rely on the movies lurking in this small section to turn my eyes green with envy: a gorgeous Region B Blu-ray of Possession, the Vanessa Redgrave vehicle Isadora, and several other movies that seemed like the stuff my dreams were made of. Unfortunately, at the time, I had yet to invest in a region-free Blu-ray player, so that section of movies taunted me on my monthly visits to Amoeba, as I’m sure they do to many movie fans that lack the proper technology to play them.

For those uninitiated into the world of movie collecting, different regions of the world have differently coded discs that only play in that region’s disc players. Back in DVD’s heyday, that consisted of Region 1, 2, and 3. Now, in the age of Blu-ray, those regions are alphabetical rather than numerical: A, B, and C. Region A discs play in the Americas and some countries in Southeast Asia, including Japan, South Korea, and Taiwan. Region B discs play in Europe, Africa, the Middle East, Australia, and New Zealand. Region C discs play in any Asian countries not covered by Region A. Film copyright holders like region coding because they want to control when movies are available in specific countries. (I assume because they can make more money if they sell the American, European, and Asian distribution rights separately.)

Movie collectors, however, hate region coding. Which is why I finally splurged on my region-free Blu-ray player. I bought my first Region B discs online at Foreign Exchange Blu-ray Imports, a neat store in Culver City, California with reasonable prices and an online catalog. (You can check them out on Facebook here.) I picked up Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger’s adaptation of the opera Tales of Hoffmann from StudioCanal and the Vincent Price camp horror classic The Abominable Dr. Phibes from Arrow Video.

While I’m thrilled that I can now watch movies unavailable to the majority of casual viewers in the United States, I still hope and pray for Region A releases of the following five gems, both for simplicity’s sake and to better keep these films accessible to future appreciative audiences.

Martin, 1978, directed by George A. Romero

Martin is a disturbing little film shot in the Pittsburgh suburbs about a maybe-vampire teenage boy, who looks an awful lot like a Sprouse twin. (So maybe Cole and Dylan are the real vampires?) With black and white fantasy sequences, the gruesome reality of Martin’s vampiric conquests contrasts with his internal, romanticized version of events.

Arrow Video released a Region B DVD a few years ago, though it’s now out of print. Diabolik DVD had a Japanese Region A disc available for a time, though it sold out quickly. I hope that Martin’s copyright hell freezes over, because I would freak out for a Region A Blu-ray that I don’t have to scramble to pre-order online before it sells out. In the meantime, you can watch the movie on YouTube until legal means become available:

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Napoleon, 1927, directed by Abel Gance

I probably could write several articles about the various silent films no longer available on disc in North America. (I’m still waiting for the latest restoration of Mauritz Stiller’s Saga of Gosta Berling to make its physical media debut, now that the Kino Lorber DVD is out of print.) I am planning to invest in the BFI’s Region B Blu-ray of Abel Gance’s Napoleon sooner rather than later, both because of its historical significance and the care that went into restoring it. Kevin Brownlow, film historian and author of such tomes as The Parade’s Gone By…, spent 20 years painstakingly piecing Napoleon back together and continues to discover and restore missing scenes to this day. Gance shot the final reels of Napoleon using innovative Polyvision technology, which means that the film requires three projectors to play three separate reels side-by-side for the ultimate in widescreen presentation.

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Isadora, 1968, directed by Karel Reisz

I only watched the biopic Isadora thanks to a Korean copy available at my once-upon-a-time local video store in South Pasadena, Videotheque. (Visit them online here.) The sound was a bit shrill, but the image looked decent and I still enjoyed the stunning performance from a young Vanessa Redgrave as the groundbreaking dancer Isadora Duncan. The movie also features a cameo from early Hollywood star Bessie Love as Isadora’s mother.

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Isadora would make a great double feature with the more recent film, The Dancer, giving a contrasting depiction of what it personally means to be an artist and a dancer: for Isadora, it’s a fancy-free attitude and imagination, for Loie Fuller, it was back-breaking work and determination. (Though Lily Rose Depp as Isadora is a disgrace, Soko slays as Loie Fuller.) I’m unaware of any plans to make Isadora widely available in North America, but you can find clips on YouTube to get a taste of what we’re missing out on.

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The Devils, 1971, Ken Russell

I won’t go into much detail on this movie, because you can already read about my previous experience with The Devils here. The BFI sells a special edition DVD on their website and several streaming platforms offer it to stream intermittently, like the Criterion Channel and Shudder, but America has yet to see an official DVD or Blu-ray release of Ken Russell’s controversial tale of religious hysteria and hypocrisy.

Leather Boys, 1964, Sidney J. Furie

I saw Leather Boys at Cinefamily (before I found out it was a haven for abusers), followed by a Q&A with the director, who blessed our ears with wisdom like, “The sun is the enemy of art,” when encouraging aspiring filmmakers to shoot in cloudy locations. Leather Boys grapples with marriage and sexual identity issues in a gentle way while also making room for the audience to laugh at the naivety and passion of adolescence. I returned home that night eager to share the film with others. Unfortunately, I was not able to find it available anywhere on physical media. I’m not above watching a movie free online when I have no other options, but I’m both a movie lover and collector and can’t stand that I can’t add Leather Boys to my collection, to rewatch at my leisure and share with my friends and family. Luckily, someone uploaded it to YouTube and you can watch the whole film here:

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#lists

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aleatoryalarmalligator · 7 years

Text

Life story Part 26

By the end of the year, my geology/math teacher, Mrs. Kerrick, in all earnest trying to get me to come to class since she knew full and well like everyone did, minus my dear old dad that I was skipping half my classes tried calling our home phone one day when I didn't show up. On this particular day, I had decided upon waking that today was simply too much, and I decided to stay home and surf the web. There was a call, and I could hear this insistence between the rings that let me know that someone was calling on behalf of me, about an hour after class. She left a message saying “Renee, I know you are there. I know you are not sick. You need to come to school. Renee...” I was sitting at the computer just looking at the answering machine saying my name in my teachers voice quite awkwardly. It made me pretty nervous. What if she came to the house?

I understand completely why she called. It was perhaps a little intrusive, but more than understandable, given that I had literally been absent half the time for almost a year. I think more than anything. what she was trying to do was be a good teacher who held me accountable. So I don't blame her for this. And I don't blame myself for skipping like I did either. This was the way things had to be. There was never any other way for them to go. It was an opportunity that was there and open for me with little or no oversight from a single adult, and furthermore, with everything in my life put into consideration, I was not emotionally equipped to go to school in a way that I couldn't really articulate to an adult without being shamed. If I had tried to explain my aversion to being there seven and a half hours a day, I would have been told that my feelings were wrong. Being a teenager puts you in an unfair double bias. If you are overpunished, it's either because you are one of the 'bad ones', or you need to be given a stricter sentence because that is the only way you will get to be a 'functioning adult'. And if you have anything to say about it, you are automatically angsty and hormonal and nothing you say has any merrit because you are still a child. There would be no winning had I tried to reach out to anyone.

Plus, I just have this side of me that gets a thrill from doing little things I am not supposed to. This is not a teenager thing. This is a 'me' thing. I have found ways to muffle about 90% of that side of me since I have to pay bills and make ends meet and try to get enough money to be open to new opportunities and such. But oh, if I had no worries. I love bending the rules.

Anyway, knowing that this might be the beginning in a grander attempt of Mrs. Kerrick's to get me to school on time everyday and might eventually lead to other teachers getting involved to rally against my tardy self, I knew I had to smother this fire out quick. So, I called my dad immediately, and told him I had been puking, and of course, for all his skepticism about me and how awful I was, he always believed me so wholeheartedly when I said I was sick, no matter how obvious and preposterous my condition was. It almost hurt too much lying that hard. And as a parent, it almost made him kind of terrible, because if I really had been sick as often as I claimed, he should have taken me to the doctors. Absolutely nobody is sick as often as I said I was and lives to see eighteen. I also let him know that my 'scary teacher' Mrs. Kerrick was harassing me on the phone and it was making me feel worried (I felt bad about this, but a girl's gotta do ya know?). And like a good father, he called the school and talked to the principal, who told Mrs. Kerrick she had to stop pestering me – much to the dismay of all the teachers who knew what I was doing, I am sure. So I won that one. My dad felt proud that he defended his poor sick daughter. I was in the wrong of course and I knew this, but I still won and sometimes that is what matters. I remember going to school that Monday and seeing a look on her face – not that she was angry at me, but just a sort of knowing resignation.

The principal took me into his office the end of that year, for a serious talk. He said I was one of the top ten students with the worst grades in the whole school and he let me know about it. His mustache twitched as he scolded me aggressively. He didn't like my attitude either, and he had seen it time and time again, so I was told. Kids like me grew up to be either deadbeats or died young – he'd seen it all. What he told me that he couldn't figure out, was why was it that I scored like a 12th grader on my ISAT tests, but had 28% on my school math? It irked him and he seemed sure I was on drugs, which he grilled me on. I couldn't of course explain to him that I was at a loss as to why I got such test scores either. My uncanny skill at multiple choice online tests reminds me of what I had read of chicken sexers who grab baby chicks quickly on a conveyor belt, and just seem to know what they gender of the chicklet is without consciously knowing what they are seeing. I hate using that example since I hate the meat industry, but that really is comparable to my test taking abilities in the format they presented me with. I just had that particular game figured out. He thought I was a deliberate fuck up of the worst kind. He then told me that if he could legally kick me out of the school he would have. Real students were dishonored to have to see a face like mine in the hallway with them, when they work so hard for their good grades. He felt that I was a waste of everyone's time and I was better off if I wasn't there anymore making him and my peers look bad before the state. I should feel sick with shame he thought. I calmly took it, and then asked if I was being held back. He said I was not because the school could not afford it. That's all I needed to hear and I was good.

I hated this girl named Amanda in my class. Partially because she had always hit on Kyle, but for other reasons that I no longer remember or agree with, like she had sex a lot or something dumb that an 8th grade girl would judge another 8th grade girl over. She was sort of phony I guess. I don't know really though. She might have been rude to me at some point in time. Anyway, she asked me to sign her yearbook. I didn't get a year book ever because my dad didn't think it was money worth spending, and he also didn't approve of me being invested in social activities in school. In my dad's mine, I would get good grades if I didn't have friends. He was deeply troubled by my friendships. He didn't fight me on this, or prevent me from seeing my friends, but in his mind the problem with people is that they cared too much for one another. I assume this notion was in due to his own repeated failings in friendship, family and romance which the later often caused him to waste large amounts of his money, perhaps mixed with a true confusion on the mystery of why teenage girls are the way they are, mixed with conservative talk radio and the whole Randian concept of 'self reliance'.

Amanda asked me to write something in her yearbook. I took this as an opportunity to let her know what I thought. I wrote in her year book that I hated her and that I hoped that she choked to death on dick. She was in shock, but she was laughing and everyone was. I don't even know if I meant it or not. I was nice to her about what I had written. I just gave it back to her and smiled. I ended up writing strange things in everyone's yearbook kind of like that because they all wanted to know what I would say.

I decided from this to make my own yearbook to satire the real one. I drew quick pictures of everyone in the class. I drew a mishmash of arms and legs, that was supposed to represent the poorly made collages of girls basketball and boy's football that took up pointless pages to convey somehow. And then I had people sign my yearbook in the end. I guess I probably lost that homemade yearbook though. a t some point. I might have given it to Sarah, who lost it – or maybe she does still have it locked away somewhere. In any case, that is the only year book that I ever owned and I was pretty proud of it.

In the keeping of the spirit of feeling free, I was watching a lot of television, which I was told growing up would ruin me and rot my brain. I could do nothing right by anyone's standards I guess. As someone in their twenties now, I can do many of the things that I did as a teenager, no problem. But back then I was chastised by people who were way worse than me. My real crime was being young. To be fair, I am really grateful that I didn't watch television growing up. I think it made me a better person ultimately. And I do imagine that a lot of television isn't good for you. But because I had been so sheltered from technology all my life – chopping wood for fires, having only a radio that I had to use tin foil to get channels, we didn't even get a DVD player till 2006, I actually got a lot out of watching music videos and other shows, even through all the phoniness and empty shallow stuff. I had never been really exposed to all that style and body language that I would see on the screen. It elevated my existence and spoke to that part of me that is always looking for an existence that is condensed and heightened. And given my circumstances, I will argue that having television for that time in my life was more good than bad. I watched all the music videos religiously, and I studied the musicians and message conveyed in each music video. This was a formal education in aesthetics. And at the time, I was starting to really get into pop punk (eh, I know). But even that lame attachment I had to that music that I no longer listen to, grew and changed into means of expression that are worthy of having. Pop punk for me at the time, made me feel like individuality and self expression was really a good thing. It gave me an alternative to the preppy princess look, and all the normal pop music. And at that point in my life, I could relate to the lyrics much better. I could get into elements of a pop song when I was young – but I could never relate to a Christina Aguilera song. I didn't party or date or anything like that. But I could relate to a whiny Simple Plan song about being uncool, unaccepted, and feeling on edge.

My new favoritest of favorite albums – probably my true first favorite album in my collection up to that point since I didn't like my Avril Lavigne album, was the debut All American Rejects album – something I would never in a million years find appealing now – can't stand the vocals mostly, but at the time, the opening song My Paper Heart, accompanied by the Swing Swing song was really something I could not get enough of. As soon as the album was over, I would put it on again. And again. I would listen to it before school and get this strong boost of weird music induced confidence. Which made me feel a whole lot better. Music really saved my life at this time (even though it was terrible music most of it).

I didn't watch that many movies, but I do remember that I really idolized Jennifer Connelly in a movie called Career Opportunities – I believe it was called. I don't even remember much about the movie, only that I thought her character was just stunning – as she is always quite pretty in all her movies. The most notable scene in that movie was where she was riding the quarter taking pony for kids in a very seductive manner, and it might actually be the only real worthwhile part of that movie looking back. I wanted to be just like her. Of course, I never was, and never have been, and never shall be. Some dreams are not meant to come true. Another noteworthy movie - I also watched Girl, Interrupted and really had a lot of feelings for that movie as well.

And I remember one April day, I believe it was Kurt Cobain's death day April 5th, and I was watching one of the music channels, and they were playing Unplugged in New York. I had never really liked Nirvana at that point. My older sister Roxanne used to listen to Nevermind pretty often, but I had always thought he sounded very unhappy, and it kind of bummed me out when I was eight. I didn't understand why anyone would want to yell like that. I was much more interested in The Barbie Girl song in those times. But watching Kurt Cobain sing some of those songs in that memorable live setting, it was the first time I really was seeing something that seemed completely real to me on TV. He seemed more human than other people. I thoroughly enjoyed it and was even brought to tears. Not to mention. I was also astounded at just how gorgeous Kurt Cobain was. After watching that performance, I had this sense of calm in me, like that feeling one gets when they have a meaningful conversation with a close friend after a long separation.

My dad and Jodi finally broke it off. It was a series of events that eventually devolved into a fight and then a lame attempt to fix it. I guess, Jodi decided to move back to her old place, which wasn't getting bought by anyone I guess after all. Jessie hadn't liked the school in Kendrick, and my father and Jodi were fighting all the time. In a sweep of paranoia, my father ended up recording Jodi's phone conversations over the course of a few months. At first, the conversations were positive to people she knew, and then he started hearing her talk to drug dealers and other men. I was staying the night at her house, when my father silently woke me up and said we were leaving. He was shaky and upset. He took a bunch of gifts that he had bought for her, and said they were mine. He told me that Jodi was cheating on him and on meth. Then the next day, he angrily took the things that I didn't even want from me like I had stolen them from Jodi and gave them back to her. The whole thing was a mess. I guess she was getting high on hard drugs. The wedding was off. My dad kept going to her house for a few months off and on due to relationship inertia I suppose, but eventually their two year hell ride was at a close. This made him really crazy, and I took the punishment for his frustration, fears, self loathing and mistrust. But I will tell all about that later.

Symbolically, and because I no longer had any attachment to school, I just skipped the last day of eighth grade. It would have been a piece of cake to just show up, but I didn't. I sat home and played on the computer. My friends came together and found me after school I my house. Ava always came into people's houses by screaming or acting psychotically. It was alarming. She often was clumsy and would knock something over. Which was either entertaining and endearing or really uncalled for and crazy. It was this mixture that made her what she was and made her fun to be around.

Anyway, I did not expect them to come find me so early, but I guess the last day of school ended earlier than I had originally thought. So when Ava crashed through the door unexpectedly, I flew backwards and due to the force of my shock induced backwards momentum, I actually did three somersaults in a row before my body finally stopped. I remember feeling like I was being tossed by a machine. I just flew. I had no control over this entire situation, but it ended up doing me an unexpectedly great favor. My neck had been paining me for a few years. I had troubles bending it at all some days. I could look to my right at all more often than not. When I flew backwards and did those somersaults, it corrected my neck issue and some of my back pain somehow. It could so easily have done more damage, but it didn't. It was wonderful fortune for me. I remember getting up off the ground and my neck didn't hurt anymore. It could have been a religious moment. It was amazing. I was beginning to feel good again.

Sadly, things weren't working out with Pepsi and she was taken away from me. She bit through ropes to go free so often that it was hard for me to really know what to do with her. She still wasn't really potty trained. I had tried to put a leash on her, but since trying to take her for a walk never seemed to work and she always escaped, I had to pretty much control her by constraining her in a way that wasn't fair to her autonomy, and I since I was really bad at this dog thing, I thought I had to punish her every time she pulled the leash. Needless to say – this was horrible for me to do. I wasn't as patient as I should have been. Which made her hate and fear me. I was doing a terrible job.

One day, I was trying to put the leash on her, and she fought back very rough. It was borderline going to end in her attacking me. She didn't bite me, but she growled in a serious fashion, and got away. Had I tried anything else, she was going to nail me. She was done with my bullshit and in a lot of ways I feel like I had tried to control her with force, and I had not taken into account that she was a faultless dog who had no real reason to respect the rules of human beings. Like the people who tried to put restrictions on my thoughts at school and at home, I had unknowingly been trying to do the same thing to poor Pepsi. I felt this shock of realization go through me when she got out of my grasp in the living room, and she gave me this look. It was like mother nature was slapping me in the face. This look said so much. It was probably one of the most intense stare downs I have ever received. In that stare, I could see the misery she had been feeling, the resentment. She didn't trust me and none of this was fair. If I attempted to do something she didn't like, I felt like she was letting me know she would bite me. She was done with me. For the next month, I would try to pet her to get her to be my little puppy again – to try to start again, and she would walk away. She only came to me if I fed her. She hated my guts. I didn't know what to do. And then whenever I wasn't home, I had to tie her up outside so she didn't chew up the house. This made her stir crazy, and after we put her on a metal chain, she behaved very aggressively. She was mad at having to be my dog. She would bark at everyone who passed.

One day, Katie was walking with another girl in her class whom she spoke to occasionally, and they decided to go in the yard. Pepsi was familiar with Katie, so she didn't growl or bark at her, but she didn't know the other girl, Mia, and so she tried to bite Mia, and ended up ripping Mia's pants as Mia tried to get away. Katie did what she thought was right, and she called the police. It was a bit strange to me that none of this was ever talked about with me to have one of my best friends call the police on my dog without talking to me, but perhaps on this Katie knew best.

So after that, my dad decided we had to get rid of Pepsi. I was heartbroken. It made no sense to me that he would buy me something I was supposed to love and cherish and then take it away from me. It was the painful end to a disappointing year for me. I understood that the reasons were valid, and I also understood that I had failed miserably as a pet owner. But it still broke my heart. She was in many ways my baby. And I cried for several weeks straight. My father felt badly. All those nights that year that I had been depressed. I remember I would look down at her calm sleeping dog face, and it was always a comfort to me, perhaps one of the only ones I had. I know I shouldn't have ever put her value in terms of how she made me feel, but it was hard. Despite all the problems, I really did love that dog.

My dad got this guy at work to agree to take her to a ranch he owned, where she would be free to run and be with other dogs. I tried to be happy for her, as I watched three men try to wrestle her down and put her in the back of the pick up. She was confused, angry and scared. She barked and lashed out in vain. They drove off and I never saw her again. For awhile my dad didn't tell me the truth about what happened. She had gotten loose in the back of the truck, and she jumped out on the way to Lewiston. They could not catch her. The only reason my dad told me was that by sheer luck, she had been found – starving but alive several months later towards the end of town. But my dad just assumed she was dead. She was taken in to the same place where we had gotten her from. One day, about a year later after that, my father had been driving down the road when he saw Pepsi being walked by a lady he knew from high school. He pulled over, and called her name, which she looked at him. They had renamed her something that sounded like Pepsi, like Mupsy or something.

I guess she had psychological dog issues, and had to be treated for dog mental illness. She probably picked it up from me. I felt really guilty. But she was in good shape now. She could be walked, and I had never been able to make that happen. I was going to go see her, but by the time my dad finally got around to bringing me to her house – since the lady agreed I could see her – she had been given away to another home. And then, two years later, Katie sees Sarah and I at a table eating and comes up to tell us that she had spotted her. She was owned by a retired truck driver who lived in the woods. And she seemed really happy. At least, Katie seemed to know it was her. I hope that Pepsi had a good life wherever she ended up. If she is still alive today, she would be 17 years old. Which it's possible she would still be alive, but I am guessing probably not.

I only got picked up on the weekend from my mother one time for an eighth month period. Roxanne's money was mostly gone by this point. All the people who had helped her spend that money were gone. She had a desperate look on her face – a need to ride what she had to it's end. She could no longer afford to buy my grandpa Roy's house, so my uncle kicked her out. Everyone moved out and came back to Lewiston. I don't know how that whole thing ended. I had stayed away. On the one weekend where Roxanne and my mother did come to pick us up. Roxanne and my mother were distant in the front seat talking among one another so I could not hear. I found out years later they were planning on getting completely high on meth that weekend – and why they picked us up at all I cannot say. They put us in a cheap hotel that weekend and left. I thought they would be back, but they never showed up. I ended up watching the History Channel for days straight. My mom had left crackers and little debbies and things like that. I stayed up all night, convinced of everything the history channel wants you to be convinced of – that human beings were an alien experiment, absolutely everything that happened in the bible was actually because of a UFO, Jesus was an Alien and so on. I watched hours of History's Mysteries. I was totally freaked. Eventually my dad came and picked us up.

My mom had dumped James by this time. I asked her years later how she did that. They had been together for 5 years and then it had come to an end. She told me that it was at my grandpa's house. He was taking a bath in the Jacuzzi when my mom walked in. Fully clothed, she got into the Jacuzzi with him which alarmed him. She then told him that she wanted to break up with him – that he hadn't gotten a job for the entire time they had been together, didn't practice the music they had planned, and was just free loading and was more like a child than a man and she was sick of him. And that was the end of James.

I've seen him a few times since. Once, about three years ago I was in a supermarket in north Idaho, and I saw him in the aisles. He has not changed a bit. We had never talked before then, so I wasn't about to start then and I switched aisles so as not to be detected. He didn't recognize me anyway though. I look quite a bit different now. And for a while there, I heard he was playing in a band in Spokane with this twelve year old child prodigy and his father. It was mostly like Rush and Dio type music – but then the story goes, he got kicked out of that band for being drunk all the time. They even used some of my mother's lyrics. Sometimes for years, when I heard a motorcycle roll through town, I might look over and see a very very small man with long hair riding on the motorcycle off in the distance. And I know it's James.

It's hard to imagine 90,000 dollars disappearing in less than a year, but that's what happened. So much drugs. My mother ended up overdosing, so I am told. Which scared her, and she cut down the serious partying and became more of a casual barfly. She never did meth again. Roxanne was hooked though. With the last bit of her money, her and Jody rented a trailer in Clarkston and bought a very dumpy looking truck. It was smelly and falling apart. The set up was beyond depressing. If Roxanne didn't have pills or meth she would scream and cry. She never left the house. Her sons were monsters and they would attack you for fun. She got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The entire apartment was covered in garbage. Her and her kids all lived in this, but she mostly hid in the back room with her drugs. Jody was gone all the time. She kind of chased him away every time he did come into the trailer. He might have been the most responsible for spending her money. It had all come out that he had cheated on Roxanne and had three babies with three other women in the time that he had also had three children with Roxanne. He was just dumb and they could barely tolerate one another.

As for me, I was growing a lot as a person. I was glad that I had gotten over Kyle. And I felt like my brain was rewiring and the world seemed exciting, fresh and new and I believed I was headed for greatness, regardless and against what anyone told me. A lot of my time was actually spent fighting off everyone who wanted to bring me down. I had hit this bottom where it no longer felt that good to feel sorry for myself or be a helpless bystander in my life. As soon as I got over Kyle, I started shedding weight, and my acne permanently cleared up – for the most part. Of course, like many people if you look closely at my skin, you can see marks of acne. After that summer I was going to be going into 9th.

If for any reason you should like to see what i have written thus far..

PART 25 - http://tinyurl.com/y6v6pgoj

PART 24 - http://tinyurl.com/ycak5d8r

PART 23 - http://tinyurl.com/yac6sk3g

PART 22 - http://tinyurl.com/yat6cfnw

PART 21 - http://tinyurl.com/y783egno

PART 20 - http://tinyurl.com/y8jskymt

PART 19 - http://tinyurl.com/rfhbms8

PART 18 - http://tinyurl.com/ycrznrwk

PART 17 - http://tinyurl.com/y77unlng

PART 16 - http://tinyurl.com/yadpsv8c

PART 15 - http://tinyurl.com/yb3lt6k5

PART 14 - http://tinyurl.com/yb4cfedq

PART 13 - http://tinyurl.com/yalanq9s

PART 12 - http://tinyurl.com/yc79mw94

PART 11 - http://tinyurl.com/yc9qhj84

PART 10 - http://tinyurl.com/yb734w24

PART 9 - http://tinyurl.com/yc2t6vfw

PART 8 - http://tinyurl.com/ybl37utq

PART 7 - http://tinyurl.com/ybvo283g

PART 6 - http://tinyurl.com/kbc9dwu

PART 5 - http://tinyurl.com/msnz4am

PART 4 - http://tinyurl.com/k9x8esg

PART 3 - http://tinyurl.com/mwp9atx

PART 2 - http://tinyurl.com/lbt6xq2

PART 1 - http://tinyurl.com/l8xbvg8

#text

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paradox-oflife · 4 years

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q and a part 6 pls ignore

1. Who was your favourite teacher at school and why? My 9th grade Lit teacher. She was the kindest soul I’ve ever met.

2. Whats your favourite party game? I LOVE MAFIA. I’m not talking about basic mafia. You gotta play upgraded versions. I personally love playing one called One Night Ultimate Werewolf. I also like playing the law version which is made for super big groups - There’s police involved, and they choose the mafia. The person accused can hire lawyers who defend them. The police have to present their reasoning, and the lawyers have to figure out how to prove them wrong. God it’s basically Danganronpa isn’t it.

3. Is it acceptable or unacceptable to smack a child as form of discipline? Now this is controversial, and understandably so. I personally would never hit my child and yell at them. But for other people, if it’s a light smack, like a pat, I guess it’s alright. But otherwise nothing harder than that.

4. Can a hetrosexual male ever wear pink? Um, yes??? Do what you want man.

5. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals? Listen I’ve seen too many people wear these in public to the point where I’m numb to it.

6. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it? Make it an obscure video game reference or an inside joke.

7. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be? Probably the medical side of things, like an EMT. Or a firefighter. EMT’s go through a lot of pressure.

8. If you were to join one of the armed forced which would it be? Maybe coast guard. But I really would not want to join the military. I’m too sensitive. If people yell at me I’d probably cry lol. And there’s the colorblind test.

9. Whats the worst thing about being your gender? Periods. And the pain of child birth. Also how it’s scary to walk alone at night sometimes.

10. Whats the best thing about being your gender? Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I feel like sometimes the friendships girls have are more emotional than boys.

11. If you swapped genders for a day how would you spend it? Honestly? Just observe my body. Not in a sexual manner but like, how does it feel like to not have boobs? How does it feel to have a dick???

12. If you were exiled what country would you choose as your new home? I’m moving back to New Zealand lol. I already have a passport and family there. Or maybe Canada if I don’t want a big culture difference

13. Have you ever made someone cry? Yeah :( Not through verbal attack though. I accidentally kicked a football into a girl’s face.

14. Have you ever starred in a school play? In the first elementary school I went to, it was mandatory to do a play. So yes. Three, actually.

15. Were you a member of any celebrity fanclub? Nope

16. Have you ever been a member of any other club? Yes! Animal Services and Protection, CSF (volunteering stuff), Martial Arts

17. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study? The university I’m going to rn

18. Whats been your greatest ever day? I have a lot. One of my favorites was going to an amusement park at the end of middle school. Had a blast.

19. What historical period would you like to live in if you could go back in time? Hmm... Maybe during the Age of Enlightment?

20. What would you bring along to an idillic picnic? My friends, no phones, music, and a sandwich.

21. Whats your favourite childrens story? Does Harry Potter count? I guess not really. When i was little I loved Geronimo Stilton LMAO

22. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it? The Mist. I mean, it frustrated me not because it was bad, but because it was so FRUSTRATING.

23. What three things do you think of most each day? Now we’re in quarantine, “I wonder how my friends are doing?” “What am I doing with my life?” “Will life be the same?”

24. What do you call your evening meal? Dinner Tea or Supper? Dinner

25. What do you call your after meal sweet? Pudding or Dessert? Dessert. I usually just have a fruit

26. If you had a warning label, what would yours say? “Warning! Certified Grade A Clown!”

27. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone? Can’t really think of one

28. Have you ever been to a live concert? aaaah no i really want to though

29. Have you ever been to see stand up comedy? It was a long time ago on a cruise. It was pretty funny :D

30. Have you ever needed stitches? Yup. If you observe closely, you can see a faint scar near my eye. If it was a bit more obvious I’d look like an anime villain lol

31. If you could invent brand new baby names what would they be? LMAO imagine naming your child like, Fire Emblem names. “Hi yes this is my baby, um, his name is Chrom”

32. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything? I have the most bizarre dreams. They’re super vivid. They range from me summoning tornados, to me being killed in some Danganronpa world. I dreamed of a school shooting once and a couple days later some other school in my state had a shooting

33. Who's your favourite radio 1 DJ? I don’t really listen to radio lol

34. Whats the best way to your heart? Be a good person. Have good morals.

35. Do you know your own mobile phone number off by heart? Um yes???

36. If you were a fashion designer, what style of clothing or accessories would you design? Just comfortable hoodies that don’t change when you wash it.

37. Do you ever laugh at things you shouldn't? I laugh when I’m nervous. Like I go like, “hahahawhat the hell”. I also laugh when I’m shocked.

38. Have you ever been in a submarine? Yes! But it wasn’t underwater.

39. Have you ever walked out of a cinema before the film was done? Nope.

40. What song would you say best sums you up? Eeeh i can’t decide but Read my Mind by the Killers. Their music video. When he’s twitching his arms, but he’s acting like everything’s fine.

41. Do you have any old friends would wish you could meet up with again? Yeah :( I had a super super close friend from 4th grade and we slowly drifted apart. By the time of high school we just stopped. I want to be friends with her again :((( I really miss her

42. Whats your favourite Nursery Rhyme? Idk... ring around a rosy maybe just because the context of the lyrics lol

43. Do you prefer metric or imperial measurements? Of course I’d take metric over imperial, but I’m used to it by now.

44. Who's your favourite monarch of all time?Queen Elizabeth I

45. What was the last thing you ate? These Asian things called Zong Zi in Chinese. I’m pretty sure like every country has their own version of it lol/

46. Whats your favourite farmyard animal? I love baby chickens but cows for me I guess

47. If you could choose one celebrity to be the father/mother of your child who would it be? Just someone who’s caring. Tyler Joseph

48. What would you do if someone proposed to you tomorrow? If it’s someone I like, then I’d freak out. Because I’m way too young for it.

49. What are your 3 favourite internet sites? Reddit, youtube, and uh... tumblr or wikipedia. I use tumblr mobile way often

50. How high can you jump? Never measured but definitely not that high

51. Which fictional character do you wish was real? aw man i would say a character but then that would imply their universe exists

52. Who was your first crush? PHFFT IT WAS probably Marshall Lee from the genderbent episodes of Adventure Time.

53. Whats the greatest thing about being your nationality? The food

54. Whats the least greatest thing about being your nationality? Having to explain the difference between Taiwan and China. Like. It’s understandable.

55. Do you believe in destiny, fate or free will? I kinda correlate destiny with fate. It’s a bit paradoxical. We have free will to do whatever we want, but whatever choice you make will end up being your “destiny”

56. If you could talk to one species of animal which would it be? Dogs. They just seem so happy all the time. I want to tell my dog I love him so much.

57. If you had friends round what DVD's would you have to watch? Mean Girls, Heathers, Legally Blonde, or Daria

58. Do you like vanilla or chocolate? Vanilla>>> fight me

59. Are you a giver or a receiver? Both

60. Do you have any enemies? Yeah. Me.

61. Are you scared of needles? YES YES YES

62. How many piercings do you have? Nah I was going to get my ears pierced a while ago but something came up so ever since I’ve jsut haven’t gotten it done

63. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere? yes it was scary. Had to use google maps because I have a terrible sense of direction

64. How fast can you say the alphabet? 4 seconds

65. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z? Zee

66. What was the last thing to make you feel happy? My dog fell asleep at my feet and I couldn’t move for the past hour but I love him

67. What was the last thing to make you feel angry? A friend of mine. I love her and all but she takes a week to respond to my texts. And I’m tired of waiting.

68. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you're fired. Do you save the dog? Okay realistically I immediately call animal control or the nearest vet or something. But in some alternate universe I’d take pictures as proof, grab the dog, then get it out.

69. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself? I perceive myself as a not so great person. But my friends perceive me as a good person. So yeah. i mean, I might not text first sometimes but if smoeone texted me I’d always respond asap!

70. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just to scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about? Do my friends like me as much as I like them? I’m so scared of that

71. If you were a wrestler what would your stage name be? and what would your special move be called? Haha maybe like Paradoxical (yes thats my blizzard tag) I’d do something like a shihonage

72. Whats the most interesting thing you can see out of your nearest window? A cat

73. Do you think Barbie is a negative role model for young girls? There’s a lot of Barbie models out there. I don’t think they’re completely bad. But there’s negative things.

74. Have you ever needed an eye test? Don’t have glasses so no. But I might need some soon at the rate of time i spend on electronics

75. Do you find yourself attractive? No. I’m just. Average.

76. Can you roll your R's? Yes

77. What social class do you consider yourself or your family background to be in? Upper middle class

78. Do you know any magic tricks? I used to but I never execute them well enough to convince anyone lol

79. Whats the largest amount of money you've ever won? I ever won? Probably like, $100 lol

80. Whats the largest amount of money you've spent in one spree? $200, if we’re not talking necessities.

81. Whats the largest amount of money you've had to borrow off of a friend or family member? I don’t borrow money. But the most from a friend was like $20 maybe.

82. Have you ever been on a cable car? Yeah, San Francisco is known for that stuff. But I’ve only been on one like, twice.

83. Do you prefer Honey or Jam? Jam! But I like honey too.

84. Do you prefer the French or Germans? Uuuuh, French?

85. How fast can you get changed? Pretty damn fast, if we’re talking my normal outfit.

86. How fast do you type? Around 98 wpm

87. How fast can you run? I’m a decent sprinter. I got 12 seconds on a 100m dash.

88. Which is better, Mario or Sonic? Mario. But both are cool

89. Whats your favourite biscuit to dunk? (im assuming british biscuit but in that case idk)

90. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm? Arm. I like walking around.

91. Do you read a daily newspaper? Nah

92. Do you watch the news on TV? Sometimes

93. Have you ever had anything published? Nope

94. Do you believe in love at first sight? Not really. I mean, Romeo and Juliet, and Frozen has warned us right

95. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Two.

96. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna? Yes, and it’s hella

97. Have you ever had chicken pox? Nope. Vaccines rock

98. Do you own a lava lamp? Nah, it seems cool but I’d be too mesmerized by it

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