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willowser · 2 years

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willow! happy sunday! ahh so i spent my morning curled up in bed reading pt1 & 2 of ‘southern charm’! and oh my goodness. cowboy bakugou…we all needed this in our life.

i have kind of come off a binge of the show ‘yellowstone’ (cowboy show lol)— which funny enough, i was telling my friend as i binged id never thought cowboys were hotter till that show..but now; i think it has been topped with ‘southern charm’ 😆!

i think the entire setting suits bakugou’s personality so well! in pt1 i really feel like reader was living out a fantasy we all have been guilty of — like hot guy in a bar eyeing you up. and also i think the breakup is a one sided love, sadly loads of us know. so just felt so easy to slip into reader’s mindset (at least for me!). side note: chisaki for the role of germaphobe-cold-ex(?)-bf is so perfect. he isn’t someone i see featured in a lot of fics and so it was a lovely surprise to me and it suits the story so well!

okay so back to thirsting over bakugou — i loved how the entire night he was making sure reader was ‘good’ and re-assuring and calming…and just kept helping reader get out of their own head! and then when he loses his composure for a second finally when he goes to get the condom…i was so into this moment lol. seeing his cool exterior break for a second ahhhh!

so then pt2! ahh i just felt that ‘snap’ happen as he gives reader the “well…i got things to do…” bit, and i know at least a few times in my life i have so badly wanted to let it all out like that. to just stomp away with all that rage, and have the confidence to do it. but its just quick explosion of feelings, because once all that anger is burned through, and the adrenaline gone…the inevitable break down that hits. so for reader to make it all the way to their sister’s house and finally crumble under the weight of all the emotions…it was so incredibly well written & we could feel it.

ah so last note — as i feel like i could ramble on forever whenever i stop by someone’s inbox: i love kirishima and yume’s family, and how i dont think the reader is “jealous” of yume for having this life, but def has a tug of longing while flipping thru all those photos? maybe something like that.. esp coming off the breakup…i am so excited to see where the story will continue but absolutely love all the build up so far! will be lovely to see how everything comes together! i know you had a stressful time getting part 2 out but it was so worth it and all your hard work really shows. thank you for sharing it with us!

so wait — last last note: the snippets of what i am assuming are reader’s story they are working on (?), add another layer to the story as well! very interested in seeing how reader’s experiences are going to shape their own writing…(if i totally got this wrong pls ignore this 😶‍🌫️)

ok done rambling on — pls have a lovely lovely rest of your weekend! ♥️

rin 🥺 dear 🥺 i have been — saving this in my inbox to look back on, because it is so sweet and close to my heart and has been such a blessing to receive ! thank you so much for not only taking the time to read, but for sending this in !!

i'm actually so happy that you mentioned kiri's family ! i think you are the first to do so ! i am vicariously living through them. yume is me. bakugou who. i don't care about him, i just want cowboy kirishima and our lovely two children LOL but i am really glad that how reader-chan feels is coming across correctly, because you are absolutely right; it's not that she's really jealous of her sister, but she just wants to know what that feels like, too, that's all. and it's hard to watch someone get that over and over again, and for you not to receive a crumb ! so i'm really glad there isn't any hostility being read into the text there.

and yes ! the snippets of frances and the stranger in between are meant to be the book reader is working on, and i'm glad that it's clear those two interactions are being a little shaped by what's going on in reader's own life. i hope you enjoy what is to come between those two firecrackers !

again, thank you so much for leaving me such a wonderful message ! it really was hell getting this thing up LOL but to hear your appreciation and receive your praise makes it all worth it, in the end 🌸✨💐🌙

#sorry i am so late on replyin #i just wanted it to myself for a little while ☺️#✿ ask willow

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oakpear · 2 years

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Tag game from @dzhonah (thank you for tagging me!!)

Tag people you want to get to know better: @blacksmithfemme @vleabag @oakfern (although you don't have to if you don't want to ofc!)

relationship status: single and trying to work through the mountain of trust issues my ex left me w before moving into anything else atm SJGKDJDJGKFJDJ

Favorite colour: close tie between blue/pink

Favorite food: I change my mind on this like every month but rn it's these blueberry white chocolate cookies my mom made earlier this summer, I've been dying to get the recipe for them! Also Miso Soup and Pork Gyoza are just an unbeatable combo

Song stuck in your head: an off brand one for me but When I'm Done Dying by Dan Deacon! Specifically the second verse has been ringing in my head since I stumbled onto it the other day. More on brand is Paradisin' - Rina Sawayama sjgkgkfjgifjgkdjgjgis (ALSO I just saved both of pinc louds' albums I have to give them a listen!)

Last thing you googled: 'bus 14 [town I live in]' lmao

Time: 12:30pm i work my final shift here in abt 8hrs but I am! not even remotely tired!

Dream trip: this is the hardest possible question for me BUT a tie between touring Scotland, visiting Edinburgh, and the couple villages my family's from, and going to Italy again, particularly Rome since I only got to spend like, HALF A DAY there.

Last book you read: do comics count? It's a lil embarrassing but it was Avatar: the Last Airbender - Smoke & Shadow JKFDJGJDJDJJ I tried reading through the all the comics after rewatching it but got bored at after this one

Last book you enjoyed: Currently reading Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro and I am LOVING it! I can't make any claims that I exactly GET all of it but I'm having a great time trying to parse through it!

Favorite thing to bake/cook: oh man I made a really basic tomato bisque pasta the other day and like, again it was basic as hell but after a long day it was so good it almost made me cry knowing I won't get to cook stuff like that in my dorm SNFKJDJGKDHGJDJ

Most niche dislike: Ok this sounds more pretentious than I mean it to but reading fancasts from people who don't know anything abt film production. Like reading them and going "oh yeah aesthetically these 6 A Listers you've chosen would fit their parts! I want to know which demon you plan to sell your soul to to get the budget approved to not only pay all these expensive ass actors but ALSO to actually make the adaptation of this YA Fantasy novel." As I said it's pretentious as hell but it gets me GOING sometimes for no reason JDHFGJJJFJDJGJFU

Opinion on the circus: oh p much exact same, acrobats are cool as hell but the animal stuff is so messed up

Do you have a sense of direction?: In life? I like to think so! I've felt pretty lost for the past few years since graduating, esp w covid throwing such a wrench into things but since getting accepted into film school and finally allowing myself to come to terms w being trans I really feel like I have a lot to look forward to right now! Physically tho? Absolutely not I get lost all the time and idk where I'd be without google maps JGKFJDJKGDJFDH

#ok sorry i popped off into a lil yell i love writing these things

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nalyria · 3 years

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God Michael! 🤣🤣 I finished playing Shadows of Saintsfour about two days ago during the Freeplay event and my LI was Michael.

I played SOS awhile ago but didn't get pass season 1 because I thought the series was super predictable which made it boring, but WOW DID IT PICK UP IN SEASON 2, esp 3!!! I can't believe it got better within those 2 seasons. I thought the story would be dragging on for no reason, but was pleasantly surprised that season 3 and season 2 were tied together with 1. And they existed in one cohesive story! I can't believe that I would have never, and I mean NEVER, would have touched this story again if it wasn't for the Freeplay event. I completely underestimated this story... I would have missed out this gem. Now I see why this is one of the more well-liked and popular book of the app now.

That being said, I love Michael. No not love, I ADORE him. Seriously.

I never screencap game moments but I had to for Michael. I never felt so much adoration for a character that made me want to do this 🤣🤣. I love the romantic scenes between MC and Michael and the conflict that was presented in season 2. And his asshole-douchery flaw....

In his next line, he says he's worried about you. He's just worried, but still Michael, no need to bring your girlfriend's friend down. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT FRIEND HAS BEEN WITH HER THROUGH THE THICK AND THIN THAN YOU DID IN SEASON 2 and 1!!! (ofc Michael saved MC's life in season 1, but Derek has been sticking with MC when Michael hasn't, which is alot)

However, his sweetness towards MC is altogether too much. I wish he had more interaction with her friends tbh. But now I present the last line (I think) and perhaps the best from Michael...

So sweet 💕. Gosh he is still fallen head over heels for us 😳😭 like the first time. The sex scene with him was also so sweet... the line said everytging about him is familiar, yet there is something new to discover. 🥺I love how protective he is of MC and how absolutely loyal he is to her. He runs away with her FFS!!!! He leaves a gang and family with an equally traumatized brother just to be with her. He leaves everything for MC and if that doesn't scream Bae material, I don't know what else. He is the epitome of a ride or die partner and I cannot, I don't think, can feel the same attachment to the other LI's in this book. Probably John though lol.

I was super anxious during the train station scene because I thought I didn't have enough points with Michael for him to run away with me and the writers made it seem so, so I tapped pretty fast, half reading the lines in trepidation. When I read that he actually came and then we held hands as the train departed... my heart... 😭💔💔💔💔 RC don't play with my heart like that 🤣🤣🤣

That aside, I wish Michael had a bigger role in season 1, 2, and 3. He did in season 1, but he stopped appearing frequently, esp in 2 and 3. I thought he would appear more often because he's MC's bf. And it would make more sense for both of them to search together. Even unromanced, it would still make sense for Michael to hang with MC's group because they're the only ones who are really actively looking for Bobby. This would have led to more dynamics and interest in MC's friend group..alas, this didn't happen. A missed opportunity IMO but I suppose his absence could be explained by this: he has his own life. Lol. Or a different way of doing things. Still doesn't really make sense to me, but oh well. I still very enjoy his route and his development nonetheless.

I also wish other LI's had more moments with MC. I heard Stephanie was sidelined, not sure though because it was as though the main love interests would only appear around the time our chosen love interest appears. Not sure how much that is true since in season 1 I didn't romance her. Strange how she barely appeared in my route though. I thought she would help us more or become part of the gang, but she didn't. Disappointed because I would have def liked another best friend besides Candy and again, more layer to the friend group. Her interaction with Michael would have def be interesting.

I also wish that non-romanced main love interests appeared more than the Black dragons. To me, I don't think their role fit with the story very well if you think about it. Luke and Stephanie def would. Stephanie's grandma is acquainted with Mrs. Hill and is a witch; Luke's family's hold over the cursed painting. I wish the black dragons' appearances were at least shared with the non-romanced ones. Like I wish I knew what Luke and Stephanie were up to in detail. It was seriously strange for Luke to not be around when Bobby was missing and that he never tried contacting us. In both seasons 2 and 3, I couldn't stop wondering what they were up to and missed them (although Luke drugged us lol).

So imo, the black dragons' role should def be less than Luke and Stephanie. Definitely weird, but it is what it is.

Speaking of the Black Dragon's, Aaron is a hot daddy. Like GOD DAMN. I couldn't help but flirt and kiss with him although I was scared that it might ruin my relationship with Michael 🤣🤣🤣. Cherry.. i would like cherry if he was drawn better. At first, I couldn't like him because of his sprite but his personality is ahh, so mischievous, I love it. I would have picked Aaron over cherry though LOL.

I would replay season 3 to romance them again, but the scenes are very few and I already played most of them. I'm just missing their final sex scenes really, so it's not really worth it to replay the entire season just to get their ending and final sex scene lol.

I can't bear to cheat on Michael with Aaron or cherry, I can't do him dirty like that. Like for FFS, Aaron married Luke's sister and we never, at least imo, build the same heart wrenching connection we do with Michael compared to them. And the fact that he freaking left everything in his life for 10 years to be with us!! Like nooo I can't!! 🤣🤣 there aren't enough scenes with the side characters to justify the cheating 🤣🤣 Michael is too gentle and sweet for the hurt.... but i did cheat on him with Derek HAHHAHA mostly because 1996 Michael wasn't available so I thought something happened so I was like ALRIGHT GUESS WE FUCKIN'. I was tempted to choose Derek over Michael because Derek has been with us more than Michael has. Not to mention, he really cares for MC. Wish there was a 3p ending with both of them 😭😭 they're both super loyal to MC and would lay their life down for her.

The same thing with John too. I can't bear to see Michael grieving over MC and MC picking John over him... can you imagine Michael dying and finally seeing his dearly desired dead gf in DreamWorld but only to see her gettin' it down with some guy who tried to kill everyone in the past? 🤣🤣🤣 nah man I can't do him dirty, especially when Michael saved us from the Faun. Speaking of that event, it was weird that there wasn't a conversation/consequence from Michael who saw John kiss us LOL. And he definitely heard us talking about the intimate moments we shared HAHAHAHA. Though, John's short route is terribly cute. I really enjoyed it tbh. Surprised that we didn't have any repercussions for cheating on Michael with him. Moving on, I watched his ending on YouTube and it was super bittersweet.😭

I honestly like his route a bit more than Aaron's. Or equally. Can't decide! Aaron's route is basically MC still in love with her old crush who used to intimidate her and was exciting since he's someone you wouldn't acquaint yourself with, especially as a young, inexperienced student. And then coming back as a mature woman, and still knowing that you're in love with him and he is still too, ah so cute. That moment you share with him in the snow on the swings 💕💕. Honestly I feel like that moment MC needed a proper adult figure to comfort her so that scene was a bit weird and made me think, hm, MC is probably crushing on him because he is older, hot, and is sort of providing a parental comfort to her lol. In my HC universe, MC crushes on him, but it quickly dies because she was vulnerable in the moment. I'm happy that that moment didn't escalate any further and that Aaron didn't chase MC unless MC did in the end. It would have been very weird because it would have been a moment where he, as an adult figure, take advantage of MC. Then again, it's fantasy/fiction. To each to their own eh? I still enjoyed it. I honestly could personally relate to the line where Mc says that the experience and age (something like this) provided comfort to her, so that moment felt awfully sweet to me.

In the end, there could only be so much you can push in in a story game app.

I still really enjoyed this story. Despite the flaws I pointed out, I love this story to every bits. I find this much more entertaining than SOTF, so I'm glad that it is written the way it is. Perhaps I should write a post about SOTF in the future since I'm close to finishing it, but I don't think I will since I don't like it much.

#romance club #shadows of saintfour #the shadows of saintfour #SOS

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eldritch-elrics · 4 years

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this summer, me and my brother watched four whole shows. at long last, here is my comprehensive review of all of them!

in the order we watched them, these shows were:

avatar the last airbender (ATLA)

mob psycho 100 (MP100)

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba (KNY)

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood (FMAB)

they were all very very good!

i’m not going to try to rank them, but, as is probably obvious by the state of my blog, my favorite was FMAB :) if i had to pick a least favorite, then, it would probably be KNY—not by any fault of its own, but just because it didn’t appeal to me quite as much as the others. still a very good show!

i will review each show by:

giving a quick plot-based pitch discussing the show’s hook or appeal

discussing one element that i believe it does better than any other show on this list—in other words, a quality that i think it stands out for

discussing one element that didn’t appeal to me or that i had issues with—a criticism

putting forth my favorite character and favorite episode or arc, just for funsies

including various other commentary. mostly positive, as, again, i did really like all of these!

(i’ve tried to make this whole thing free of specific spoilers, but if you’re planning on watching any of these shows and want to go in more-or-less blind, it might be best not to read this.)

first of all, i’d just like to discuss all four of these shows as a whole! it was definitely interesting watching one after another and noting similarities between them.

all of them have siblings in them! which is, perhaps, fitting, as i watched them with my brother

two include a pair of siblings in which one has powers and one doesn’t (at least at first), and part of the narrative involves getting better at using those powers (ATLA, MP100)

two include a narrative centered around a pair of siblings and something tragic that happens to them, resulting in the older one being traumatized and forced to train to become a soldier, and the younger one turning into something (arguably) inhuman. the protagonist’s major goal is to return his younger sibling to the way they were before (KNY, FMAB)

ATLA and FMAB are both fantasy political dramas, which is rapidly becoming a favorite genre of mine

most of these are historical, or historically inspired in some way, which is interesting!

all of these shows are really really good at character building. all the main characters are interesting and complex, and the relationships between those characters are similarly nuanced and very well written. they make you really care about both the protagonists and the side characters!

avatar: the last airbender

pitch: as the ever-growing imperial force of the fire nation threatens the earth and water nations, a kid from the long-lost air nation turns up and it turns out he can control all four elements and he has to save the world and all that. sorry i tried to write this pitch like five times and realized that well at this point i think everyone reading this will know the plot of avatar

stands out for: avatar has possibly the best worldbuilding i have ever seen in a show—it takes the time to introduce us to so many places and aspects of its world, both explicitly and subtly. the main highlight of this is the magic system. by creating a magic system based in body movement, the process of using magic and learning to use/control it better becomes immediately obvious to the viewer. combine that with the philosophy behind each type of bending and the way that characters take bending inspiration from types different than their own, and you’ve got a system that is complex, flexible, believable, internally consistent, and just plain fun! it makes action sequences a blast. i especially liked the moments when bending was stretched to its limits in totally logical ways (metalbending, bloodbending). not to mention the way that bending is seamlessly integrated into the world of avatar! the example that comes to mind is the earthbending-powered transport system of omashu. a whole essay could be written on that topic alone!

criticism: i know this is a sentiment shared by many people, but the first season was kind of boring to me. some of the humor and the plots felt hit-or-miss. of course, it needed to take that time to establish the world, and it does a great job of doing that. it just didn’t hook me until the second season.

favorite character: i love toph she’s so much fun :) iroh is a close second! and zuko is great, too, of course

favorite arc: i loved ba sing se a ton, especially the episode when they get there and everything feels off. it felt so resonant with real life, in a very fun way. there’s a reason “there is no war in ba sing se” is a meme…

other commentary: what can i say? it’s a classic for a damn good reason. the plot is tight, and it does a great job raising tension and introducing new elements and twists. i also love the care put into the antagonists, especially azula, who has a fascinating arc.

mob psycho 100

pitch: a middle schooler and a charismatic con artist team up to smite ghosts using extrasensory powers. thing is, only the middle schooler actually has ESP, and it happens to be really, really powerful. can he navigate the difficult world of middle school while also getting a better grip on his powers—and his bottled-up emotions?

stands out for: the way that MP100 uses animation is excellent. it takes a little getting used to but it’s just so fun, combining all sorts of different techniques to create an experience rich with drama and emotion. it’s playfully exaggerated and self-parodying, adding to the show’s fantastic sense of humor as well as its truly emotional moments.

criticism: the way that ESP works makes suspension of disbelief tricky. it’s a great feat to introduce a character who is essentially all-powerful and still make them interesting (even in fight scenes), but at times (especially the second season finale) it felt like a magic system with too much breadth and too few limitations. this might just be my bias for hard magic systems talking, though.

favorite character: other than mob and reigen? probably teru. he’s loads of fun AND all the season 1 episodes he’s in slap hard

favorite episode: the one where the girl asks mob out on a date as a dare.. it’s super cute

other commentary: thank you mp100 for being the leftist propaganda we all deserve <3

in all seriousness though, this show is a blast!! it does a great job switching between silly and serious in the blink of an eye. i also really appreciate the way that it balances comically huge stakes with much smaller, more personal stories. for example, the conflict between mob and reigen in season 2 is especially well-done. in general the emotions just feel so real? characters whose emotions tie into their powers are an excellent trope, and mob is a wonderful protagonist who exemplifies this really well.

finally, on a more critical note—there are so many characters in this show! and it feels like only a handful are fleshed out? however, this may be due to the fact that it’s not an adaptation of the entire manga (which i haven’t read). there’s a lot more to go! more characters to dive into! so i probably shouldn’t try to critique it in the same way as a finished work.

demon slayer / kimetsu no yaiba

pitch: demons kill a boy’s family and turn his sister into a demon, so he decides to try and figure out a way to turn his sister back into a human. what follows is a demon-killing adventure that’s in equal parts harrowing, poignant, and hilarious.

stands out for: there’s not much i can say about this other than “please just take a look” but the art and design is phenomenal. it does a much better job of integrating 2D and 3D than a lot of other animated series, and overall it is just so so pretty! all the character designs are complex, memorable, and fit the characters perfectly. the color choices are interesting and satisfying. i also really like the sound design? not often that i notice that in a show. i’ve watched so many KNY amvs by now lol it’s just amazing animation

criticism: the narration style leans too heavily towards tell instead of show. this is mostly an issue with the first few episodes, but i got super annoyed by how much the show would narrate every single one of tanjirou’s thoughts instead of letting us infer those thoughts through his actions and reactions—the latter, i think, would have been more emotionally impactful. sometimes silence speaks louder than words! tanjirou was also not the world’s most compelling protagonist in my opinion, though i think that mostly has to do with my own tastes.

favorite character: *holds up zenitsu* I Just Think He’s Neat. i actually kind of lost it when he first used his powers, like… damn i love characters with weird relationships with their magic like that. i also think the narrative about how having a solid foundation is sometimes more important than knowing a ton of different moves was really powerful. and he’s just funny! pathetic boy i love him

favorite arc: really just the whole spider arc. fucked up man… i love it. they pulled off that last twist so well, and all the family stuff was so weird and complex and emotional…

other commentary: it’s just a really solid and very well-written show! the team of tanjirou, zenitsu, and inosuke is so much fun… bro bonding :) i also quite like the horror elements; it’s fucked up but in a good way. finally, this is very specific, but the demon that can alter buildings/rooms through drumbeats? appealed to me very much. it’s a cool and unique power!

fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood

pitch: two kids do some fucked up alchemy and end up getting parts of their body stolen by god. now they’re on a quest to get their bodies back, but find themselves wrapped up in crazy government conspiracies and alchemy more powerful than they ever could’ve imagined…

stands out for: plot. by this i mean less overall concept (though the overall concept is pretty great too), and more that the pacing and progression of the story is extraordinarily tight. for the most part (the first few episodes are a little weak but i’ll let it slide), it does an excellent job establishing its premise and building on it logically, adding layers and layers that extend naturally from what we already know. everything has a reason for happening; everything is revealed in good time and all the twists are super satisfying. there’s great balance between exciting moments and quiet moments. it’s just very good at being a story!

(fun fact: i’m reading the manga right now and so far it’s even better paced than the show, which is super interesting! it’s especially good at how it lays out pieces of the backstory and then fills everything in later in a really satisfying way.)

criticism: this is incredibly specific but it’s what comes to mind as something that bothered me: winry’s character arc was really disappointing. for most of the series she’s a pretty strong character, but in the end it feels like she gets pushed aside, defined only by her relationship with ed. what happened to her wanting to take action more? that was a specific desire she expressed—wanting to be less passive! since she’s such an important character, i wish she could have had more presence in the last season other than as a sounding board for the elric bros’ emotions. (even though her one scene in the last episode was really good and emotional…)

favorite character: other than the elric bros, absolutely ling. he fits into multiple of my favorite character archetypes (fun, silly, bastard, gets possessed…) and he’s just overall a delight. plus his relationship with greed is really really good. bro bonding at its peak!! (my other favorite is pride. i will not say why because spoilers. but if you know me.. you know)

favorite episode: this is really really hard to choose but i’m gonna go with envy’s death because. holy shit.

other commentary: i’m a really big fan of the complex and nuanced way in which FMAB breaks down militaristic, imperial regimes from the inside. many of the characters have done awful things, and the story forces them to grapple with that and accept that all they can do now is be better in the future. the moral complexity is just really good! characters with flaws—we love to see it!

finally, parts of this story seem so so catered to Me Specifically that it’s no wonder i got so into it. like just the entire premise? the way that so much of the conflict is built out of identity crisis and exploring the nature of consciousness and human vs inhuman? beautiful. i love ed and al so much

if you made it all the way to the end, thank you so much for reading!! glad to have finally gotten this done (3 months late…) and put all my thoughts down. i hope this inspires someone to try watching one of the shows i discussed!

#avatar the last airbender #mob psycho 100 #kimetsu no yaiba #fullmetal alchemist #my post #long post #then for my own tagging purposes..#atla #mp100 #kny #fmab #i really hope some people read this! i put a lot of thought into it

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ndx94 · 3 years

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My pro-choice Democrat anti-Trump pro-CCP parents are furious with me that my college girlfriend and I twice procured emergency contraception in 2007 and my brother will not talk to me as it turns out I’m not a virgin retard, but had sexual intercourse within a committed thought-we’d-get-married love-relationship in my senior year of college and lived with her in the year following that and twice in my life I committed seminal ejaculation within the context of a female anatomy belonging to someone who badly wanted to get pregnant and be “settled” with me at the age of 21, after our parents had very carefully trained us not to have sex before marriage, warned us about attending Rutgers University, and also demanded us to “take responsibility” in the case of conception.

I am not happy about being an abortionist, babykiller, or anything like that but the idea that I wasn’t put up to it in the least or that you can vote for Bill Clinton and love porneia and still hold your son 100% accountable for his morals at the age of 21 when he was traumatized by the Iraq War and sleep-deprived for 3 years due to stress and emotional abuse by his racist Pakistani anti-white roommate in college and naturally he would then not want to come inside girl to cope or work out and be a nice person in hope of getting love in general rather than gun for Law School. TW-1 and I thought we would get married; we were both virgins in the autumn of 2006 and I at least have not so much as copped a feel of a breast-outline or buttock since TW-1 and I broke up in summer ‘07 let alone ‘played the lottery’ (pregnancy is winning).

I don’t like talking about this but it’s one thing people want to know about and I feel the right to say a few words in my defense on Planet Roe America and as a person who I’m pretty sure was conceived both outside of wedlock and in cis-rape or rape by deception, and if my little “Jaehee’s helper-bird” friend is correct, son of a guy who got so mad I didn’t myself rape the American Korean Presbyterian Pastor’s daughter (a.k.a. my sister) in the summer of 2002 that he fond some girl to drug and rape as symbolic coping.

I still remember well the autumn afternoon I met Taiwan-1, whose name is Rebecca or in Mandarin means “pure literature” or as I like to say “pellucid and literary” or “limpid and well-lettered.” As with the pastor’s daughter I in retrospect devoutly if not ardently regret not being closer to her father, who cared about me far more than my biological begetter; a Confucian gentleman and natural scholar / lover of moral philosophy who happened to become a banker just b/c he had to help his family (and all of Taiwan as a national-level financier), rather than a scholar of history and poetry as I apparently myself have become.

The evening Taiwan-1 and I met was the first day in my life I drank a full glass of wine. It was at a Rutgers English Department function related to the Honors Thesis I wrote, also on Taiwan and the director Hou Hsiao Hsien. I had originally wanted to write my thesis on a videogame called Final Fantasy VIII which in retrospect was an augury of how E. Asian media would summon people to Love not just through Squaresoft but later SM Entertainment, about which I also hoped to write an academic thesis before breaking hard toward political scholarship and military or what I call the sort of “hard science ofo Korean Studies’ like statistics, economics, history, primary source documents, constitutional and legal analysis, reading the daily papers, esp. 38North which is an amazing labor of love from generals who just think all day every day about saving their boys.

The emotion that I felt as I drank that my first wine - I had just come from dropping off my desktop / tower PC to be repaired at the Livingston Campus Rutgers PC shop, and was looking forward to working on my writing on my father’s Windows 98 laptop (I didn’t like laptops at the time but felt comfortable / nostalgic using Win98 in 2006, the apparent end of the universe) - was like, “Wahh [soft but real cry], does David Johnston really deserve nothing and no one?” I’m not trying to say I am selfish or unselfish but I had no friends, the only person I really liked was Big Bad Boris a.k.a. Aleksey “Alex” Kasavin who worked Google later on then Microsoft via Yale MBA program, but he doesn’t like / has never opened up to me or wanted to be close or committed or “eternal roommates” as I used to feel about him. I recently wrote Aleksey a last letter just expressing frankly “sorry to you + sorry to me too” that I always wanted to be close with him and this was not reciprocated; it might’ve been a little cross but after 18 years of this person grinning at me without hugging me (platonically but I have always wanted a close male friendship like a I briefly had with Danny Shin in KR), what am I supposed to do but say something?

When Rebecca looked up at me at the RU English Honors Program welcoming gala at Zimmerli Museum I heard what was either glass breaking - like a Jewish wedding where the couple stomp a glass before kissing, a ritual I love / adore somehow - or at least someone toasting. I had talked to this Korean grad-student. Because of Rebecca I came out of my shell a bit and decided instead of pulling ice cream or delivering pizzas I would try to be slightly more social and get a job as a writing-tutor instead, since I was working on my creative writing daily since 2005, and had started my “bioweapons Taiwanese- and Korean-America families + abortion + China and America assassinating indigenous peoples” novel in 2003 (the “soft sci fi of Sci-Rom / Futurist Romantic Realism) novel that my parents hate me not publishing since it predicted Covid in a way), and had a good “ear” as a reader (I loved imitating esp. Haruki Murakami and a little Gao Xingjian).

TW-1 and I courted between September and November. One of the formative drives in our relationship was her parents’ moving back to Taiwan for her dad’s job and mine moving to WI leaving us all alone together in New Jersey. Another, we were both studying Taiwan. My uncle’s wife is also Taiwanese. I don’t want to give the details of our sexual relationship since this person is an important working professional, a scholar, but we lost our virginities in a hotel suite in Washington, which is why I posted this pic of drapes. I’ll never forget how the day afterward I felt an insane, idiopathic “atheist-thought-bullet-packet” in my head then spent the day working on my creative writing at the “business lounge corner” of the Embassy Suite while TW-1 watched anime in her t-shirt. For some reason that day when I went on my PC to check e-mail I got a communication from my online DAI Forum friend who hadn’t reached out to me in more than a year, as if psychically he just knew that there had been a disturbance in the force or, as I like to say, the great “gayakeum” that binds some people had been detuned or returned.

This is “American Korean Millennial Lit; the story of some semen / sperm” but it seems meaningful somehow that on the night I actually punctured her virginal membrance neither of us completed orgasm / ejaculation. She started crying and then I stopped and we both went to sleep and left each other alone. Then all day we just nursed ourselves in our way, she with Japanese stuff and I with my creative writing or “journals.” We went out to dinner and it was a very “Maison Ikkoku” moment in the November weather in her metallic dress and my military jacket and polo shirt and taped glasses. That night I also discovered my incredible intuitive capacity for what you might call “air-braking” or being able to stay inside really really really close to the moment of potential impregnation. I don’t like talking about porneia and had wished I left it all behind but like in JAV when they have to j--- themselves before doing something obscene that men of my gen. were influenced by the millions to do to insult their GF’s and wives t’s pathetic to me that they can’t “air-burst the A-Bomb at 100 feet.” It was 15 years ago and today I think like why did God create sexual organs to look that way and be that way, stuff like frankly what’s the relationship between male circumcision and conscience (removing the ”foreskin of the heart”).

I am not without tremendous fault in my relationship with TW-1 esp. due to the fact that all the while we were together I was haunted by the presence or memory or eventual wish to be together again with S’hai-1. I could never fully convince myself that TW was better and yet by the same token if I’m being honest my attitude in 2006 was, “If Kate doesn’t want me / is never coming back I am still gonna live life and try to be married with children and a profession because I am not trash just because she gets mad and fires me whenever she feels like it.” Our relationship was also marked by meddling from both her family and friends and mine.

I don’t know why I’m saying this now as it is the ancient past and I am writing almost something that I fear the Holy Ghost does not want me to as everyone has to work out their salvation for themselves with fear and trembling and their seed and eggs are their own or the Lord’s.

TW-1 and I had a good relationship in all honesty except for money. The MD at Aurora Psychiatric and my brother and parents are mad. The MD was like “get a car maybe blahblah then do some Bulgarian deadlifts, Axe body spray” ahhaha alright just the car and I LOVE and thank Hananim for this man but he is Indian-American anwyay I was like “Dude we traveled around half the world, we shared so many meals in so many places.” MD didn’t realize relationships are like that; you don’t just arrive but share the whole journey of two lives as one, and it’s infinitely sad when you share that way with one person then another rather than one all the way through. It was really liek a marriage in the sense that pace Ecclesiastes I was “seeing the world with my wife.”

My very favorite day together with TW-1 was in Princeton, NJ at Panera or Au bon Pain drinking espresso. I later wrote a scene in Hot Pursuit in Princeton and also K-pop fanfic in which I was married to I-know-not-whom but we were dropping off our daughter Krystal for classes. It was common for Millennials at Rutgers at least in the honors program to visit Princeton as a vacation or “different oxygen” since P is only about 1 hour down the road from this mad disheartening to some soul-breaking suicide-inducing state school, nestled in woods. Educational Testing Service / the makers of the SAT and TOEIC and TOEFL also have their headquarters around there adn I nearly got a job there in 2007, my first dream job as I believed that the SAT protected gifted young people from arbitrary often intellectually envious subjective teachers; a view on standardized testing shared by all rational governments but especially Korea and Asia in general, and also by the serious and caring moral, now basically religious scholar / sociologist Charles Murray, who believed he was saved from racists, as were many Jews in the days the Ivy League was hyper-anti-Semitic (word to the wise: they’re now anti-Korean mutatis mutandis).

The Lord is high and lifted up

The Lord is lifted up

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