#every time i think about cowboys i am like overcome with. i don't even know | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bygracealonegirly · 23 days

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The anniversary of my brother's death is coming up, and 3 years later I'm shocked at how the grief can creep up and swallow me still. If I think about him more than in passing I still weep. I'm still overwhelmed by the absence of his belly laugh and mischievous grin. I still feel rage creep up when I think about how unfair it all is; his 3 young children were too small to have personal memories of him, and must subsist on what we show and tell them. His beloved wife only got 5 years with him total - some people get 60. Our view into God's plan is so narrow, I know, I really do, but still, why him?

CJ was something else. A real gen-u-ine cowboy. Tough hands, crinkly eyes, and an ever present grin. Quite the dancer. A heck of a card player. An even better choir singer. He was never short on jokes or belly laughs. The best darn bow hunting partner I'll ever have. And gosh he loved his wife; the sun rose and set on her from the moment they memorably met (she slapped his rear end on a dare during a rodeo and told him to quote "giddy up cowboy"; they were wed 18 months later). He was an incredibly doting father who insisted on doing the late night feedings because work kept him so busy in the daytime. And most of all he was a true Christian who shared God's Word with most anyone who would listen and loved his neighbors.

Every year I approach being older than he ever was. 24 years and 18 days, 6 hours and 32 minutes (I'm sure Mama knows the seconds.) It's unnatural to grow older than your big brother, and each of us younger siblings marches toward it; my sister surpassed him recently and fell into hysterics once she realized. The clock now looms over me like the shadow of death itself.

It was a farm accident. A freak thing. Everyone tried their best to save him; first his wife, then the neighbors, then local EMTs, a flight nurse and a paramedic, countless nurses and doctors and specialists from The Big City. They all wept with us as he took his final breaths, surrounded by more people than the hospital was technically supposed to let in. It took him an excruciatingly long time to pass on once support was pulled, and his heart only finally slowed and stopped when his wife assured him "I've got this CJ, don't worry, I've got the kids and the cows, you go on home now".

I can't even type that without shaking.

I hardly knew her before they wed, and not much more before he passed away. She became much more than the mother of my nieces in the wake of his death; she's well and truly one of the strongest people I know, and a true sister to me. I'll never be able to thank her enough for giving him peace enough to let go in his final moments. She's not much of a dancer or a card player, and she can't so much as hit the side of a broad barn with a bow, but I like singing with her in church, and she's helping me learn to quilt now.

I read somewhere that grief is just love with no place to go. So tonight as my throat aches with thoughts of CJ, I'll pour out some of this love. Into my dogs, my horses, my plants, my nieces, my sister-in-law, my sister-in-law's new boyfriend, and God, who I know is in control and has a Plan, who has overcome the grave, and whose will I submit to even if at this moment it's painful. Because I know He keeps His promises.

"I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:

And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die."

Ride on Cowboy, see you on the other side 💙

#personal #grief #mine

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cowboycakes · 2 years

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hey sheppie, can you tell me some things you love about johnny joestar 🎤

finn. you shouldn't have asked (yes i'm going to tell you so many things i love about johnny. thank you for asking i love you i squealed when i saw this.) but, like, don't feel obliged to read this. i am in love with him. i am obsessed with him. you've been warned.

tw: my opinion and my own (dumb, prob wrong) interpretation of johnny is in here. like lowkey johnny discourse. this post is kinda sad too. mentions of mental illness and (jjba canon) violence/death. also me gushing about johnny obviously.

SBR SPOILERS!!!!!!

#. johnny is so beautiful. like he has the most breathtaking face ever (esp in official art and towards the end of sbr. official art of johnny is what broke the camels back and made me watch jjba.)

#. prettiest when he cries.

#. i relate to him, and his character makes me feel less alone. he's sad and i am too. it was refreshing to see a male character feeling emotional and defeated and explicitly showing it instead of keeping a straight face. i enjoyed seeing a character who feels perpetually guilty and seeing how that guilt intrudes his mind constantly, to the point that his guilt physically follows him around (as danny the mouse.) he's ashamed and he hates himself. and every time he'd break down from said guilt and shame and self hatred, i would be like "no! its not your fault! don't cry!" and that helped me reflect on my own life... sometimes life hands you shit cards, but that doesn't make you deserving of it. and the human spirit is still built to overcome it. johnny reminds me of all of that.

#. cowboy! yee haw!

#. i love his storyline. i loved how much backstory araki let us see (though reading that shit was painful.) and i love love love johnny's monologues throughout SBR, especially how his narration at the beginning parallels his narration at the end. way to crush my soul.

#. i know he's kinda framed to have "righteous" goals... but imo he's amoral and most of what he does is out of self-interest, and i like that about him. only time he breaks away from that mindset is when someone he cares about is in question.

#. he's a nervous lil guy. i like nervous guys.

#. kissable face. cutie patootie wanna snuggle him. he just looks like he's good at cuddling and he's lowkey wearing jammies. the other day my irl friend was like "johnny looks like he's wearing a onesie" and that's kinda right. his clothes look soft i wanna put them on.

#. he’s got the hottest poses sorry i don’t make the rules. he's always arching his back n spreading his legs n shit

#. we are both horse girls.

#. he's OP as fuck. AND he's willing to throw everything away and sacrifice himself to achieve his goals, which was extremely exciting to watch. like every fight scene with johnny in it had me so hype. like the FUCKING SCENE WHERE JESUS SHOWS UP AND JOHNNY USES HIS NAIL BULLETS ON HIMSELF. one of my fav scenes ever.

#. LOOKS SEXY WHEN HE'S MAD <3333 and when he's not mad he's just being cute. he's so damn cute.

#. hates the american government.

#. dude's kinky!

#. i love his relationship with gyro. canonically, i don't know what it is. i do believe they loved one another, like so so much. i think they had what love is at its core: devotion, loyalty, sacrifice. and they both had goals consuming them the whole time, but their love for one another ultimately outlived those goals, and johnny's love for gyro outlived gyro himself. the way that gyro's last thoughts were of protecting johnny, the way johnny prayed for gyro's safety and it was all in vain, the way johnny ended up carrying the wrong corpse "home." all of it is absolutely gut wrenching and i cry about it daily and it makes me love johnny's character even more.

#. i love his sarcasm and deadpan expressions

#. HE WEARS BLUE LIPSTICK N BLUE NAILS ARE U KIDDING ME!!

#. TUSK!!!!! tusk. the cutest ever. that's my baby. and the way Tusk is named after a song from my favorite band... Araki did that for me and only me. i love that tusk evolved as johnny's character developed. i love how johnny freaked out when tusk first appeared. like dude chill that's just a little pink guy.

#. i love his name. jawny.

#. johnny showed concern for lucy when barely anyone else did. and lucy deserves the world. so.

#. stupid little hat with stupid little hair horns

#. fat booty.

#finn i love when u call me sheppie thats so cute #this is my formal apology for writing all of this #johnny <3 #my opinion #shepinbox #moots <3 #sbr spoilers #steel ball run spoilers #jjba spoilers

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