#even though i don't live there anymore
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Papa's speech in São Paulo, Brasil, 20/09/2023
video by douglaskurt on ig
#i'm just gonna leave this here before going to bed#these are literally not the best#the coloring is a mess and lighting isn't great#but for the first time i don't mind cause i'm finally giffing a video of ghost playing in my country 🥺🖤✨#and this makes me so happy#even though i don't live there anymore#brazilian ghesties how are we?#the band ghost#ghost band#ghost bc#papa emeritus iv#copia#popia#papa iv#papa 4#my gifs#also it's 2h30 am so if i mispelled something no i didn't hehehe
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tender curiosities, baby! ch. 5 snippet
#tender curiosities baby!#i am back to writing it tn lads#this chapter is like a complicated cake#and by that i mean she needs a lot of time to cook#and patience#anyway i was forever altered by that one poem abt the pieces of people that live on in you#like how i still braid my hair the way my grandma taught me#and i use phrases my sister used to say even though she stopped saying them ages ago#and i still ad-lib parts in this song my friend and i both loved even though we don't speak anymore#a good portion of this next chapter is a testament to that
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Saw someone who followed me simping so hard for antipsychotic medication that they went as far as to say that questioning or doubting whether you want to be on them counts as a delusion, and so I blocked them lol
We support non-medicated schizophrenics here, Sir
Everybody gets to choose their own paths of treatment and recovery, just bc you have a psychotic disorder instead of depression or anxiety doesn't mean you have less autonomy or choice in how you want to manage your symptoms. We can make our own medical decisions, idc if everyone in the world has been preprogrammed to think a schizophrenic person off their meds is the worst thing in the world and they must not be thinking reasonably - we are capable of making our own medical decisions and yes we do have rational concerns and valid justifications.
#im not saying everyone should go off their meds#im saying that if you love your meds and your life wouldn't be the same without them then that's so awesome#but people who are unhappy or uncomfortable while they're on them should be able to choose not to take them#for every other disorder they have a whole toolbox of ways to approach managing and living alongside it's symptoms#but with psychotics disorders all the doors are closed and the only one made available to you is meds#even though that's not the only one that works or will help improve things#i haven't been on antipsychotics in like 3 years and fellas I'm doing fine#i have schizophrenia so my psychosis is not intermittent and my symptoms aren't only sometimes#and I don't take the meds bc they ruined my life and it just become a medical choice I could not justify for myself anymore#we are not going to shit on non med psychotics#not on this page#actuallypsychotic
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i need to work on my chengxian fics....
#one of them isn't even chengxian really it's mostly just a character study of jiang cheng and his relationship with wwx#and i've built it up in my brain as my magnum opus which makes it impossible to complete#“oh danny you ship chengxian?” they live in my soul and take me apart piece by piece#it's not so much that i ship them romantically it's that they're two skeletons in the same pair of ruins#who were so close together where they were buried that when archaeologists found them#centuries later when half their bones are dust#and the world around them has changed#they are reconstructed as one body. wwx's femur to jc's pelvis. jc's skull to wwx's c1 vertibrae#the version of their relationship in my brain is too weird for platonic cheng&xian likers i think#they are yuri to me#in the way that yuri is about the love between two people as ambiguous and ephemeral and all-consuming#they have the same relationship that you had with your childhood best friend who you don't love anymore but you also Do still love#just because it's part of you just because it's in your blood#even though you haven't talked to them in years#and who you think you could have married if you had both chosen just one thing differently.#“danny that's an insane thing to say about a pairing you just said you don't ship romantically” well maybe you just don't understand love.
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i'm surprised i haven't seen anyone point this out yet, but.... belos isn't dead. like. sure he got stomped on. but also a few months earlier he crashed into a wall with more than enough force to crack it, shattering his entire physical form, and came back from a few drops that hit hunter's shoulder. he possessed the titan with the smallest sliver of slime that escaped raine's magic. that fucker's not dead. and before you say he got melted... the rain stopped. king said some was on his claw. we've seen belos regenerate from less. he's not dead. and i don't think he'll be dying anytime soon. not if he has anything to say about it. just a thought.
#i don't think immortality is particularly kind to him though#well i think he CAN die it's just. very hard.#and i don't think this will be a good thing for him#he thinks he just needs more time#but the longer he's had the more failures he's seen. and they've gotten worse and worse.#he loses more and more of his 'humanity' so to speak#he doesn't even have a body anymore#he has to survive on vessels which inevitably rot with him inside#but he can't give up. because what has this even been for?#caleb's been dead for a long time. but philip hasn't exactly been living.#idk man i like philip wittebane he is so doomed <33#the villain ever :]#toh#the owl house#philip wittebane#emperor belos#this might be nothing lmao#the crew might say 5 minutes from now 'no that loser's definitely dead'#and i'd just be here like 'okay! (:'#quietly hiding my continued torment of this cringefail idiot under my bed#you don't have to agree with me of course he very well could be dead#i just like to think about the possibility#and of course i adore characters that have a wacky relationship with death
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THE BEST OF PRIORITY: THE CITADEL (PART 2)
Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Lt. James Vega, EDI, and Maj. Kaidan Alenko
With: Councilor Donnel Udina, Councilor Tevos, Councilor Laiel Sparatus, Cmdr. Armando-Owen Bailey, and Kai Leng
And a Special Guest Appearance by: The Illusive Man
But sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Sophie. Later- when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted with integrity- then it matters.
Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)
#mira makes gifs ✨#sophie shepard#james vega#EDI#kaidan alenko#shenko#fshenko#mass effect#mass effect 3#me3#mass effect legendary edition#dailygaming#james’s panicked face as the shuttle goes down you will always be famous to me bc you are so relatable#at this point i just know the normandy crew is not letting shep EDI or james near anything mechanical anymore#(something mechanical explodes around them on literally every mission at this point- cars.. bombs.. ships.. you name it!) :)#the way i didn’t even realize EDI and kaidan were wearing matching armor on this mission until i got to the elevator and i- 🥹 (blue crew!!)#but like- the way when soph gets off the elevator and kaidan has the gun drawn and she tells them to lower their weapons??#and EDI and james don’t even hesitate? THOSE ARE MY BABIES!!! THATS MY SQUAD RIGHT THERE!! THE LEVEL OF TRUST BETWEEN THESE THREE!! 🥹🥹🥹#and they don't raise their weapons again?? not until soph raises hers?? like it's the level of trust between her and them for me 🥹#i will say i talk a lot about how me3 shenko canon doesn’t really follow my own shenko canon (and my canon coup is MUCH DIFFERENT)#but something i noticed about the coup that i really liked? when kaidan has his gun drawn on shep you can see his hands shaking a little#it’s SO SUBTLE (and it’s easier to notice when you’ve got the video slowed down) but like?? the way his hands aren’t steady??#when he has the gun drawn on someone he loves?? i cried a bit making that gif ngl 🥺#the soft little ‘you won’t’ from shep after ‘i better not regret this’ makes me 🥺 every time.#there’s a canon reason soph doesn’t take the renegade interrupt but part of it is bc i like kaidan’s convo on the docks better :)#speaking of the docks the intro to the convo is a bit nonchalant but i like kaidan’s speech about integrity/living with your decisions#and the conversation between him/shep about what happened on the landing pad (though i wish it was a tiny bit longer!!)#there’s no ‘i feel like you would have taken me out’ line in the soph™️ canon but we supplemented it with some rewriting bc loose canon™️#(she never draws a gun on the landing pad either but that’s a story for the actual canon 🙃)#and yes i gif’ed the ass shot. there’s only one valid ass shot in the series and it’s this one! and you can quote me on that! ✨
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I do love that I'm both freezing and having the worst back pains.
But at least I still have a roof above my head, right?
#personal#so here's the thing:#i don't think any of the radiators in my apartment are currently working#which kind of sucks bc it's winter in northern europe lmao#one of them had blown a fuse. which i changed yesterday. and now it's cold again. so there's definitely something wrong with it#two of them. which are located in my bedroom/living room combination. have red lights on#but they are both cold and not heating up my apartment. which means i'm freezing here#so it could be a thermostat or something. i don't know#but because my place was a mess. after having worked for a few months and not having energy to do anything else#i had to clean up here yesterday. because i couldn't call my landlord who lives closeby in case he decided to drop in and see#the mess i was living in. to you know. check on those radiators#so anyway. my apartment is pretty okay now. stuff i still need to clean though but it's mostly minor#but i seem to have strained my lower back doing it. or from sleeping in an awkward position because i was cold#the kind of pain i haven't experienced in months which must be a record for me now#but yeah now my lower back hurts. i can't properly crouch or even twist my body to the side without my knees trying to give out#and i've already taken painkillers for it today. which kind of put me to sleep again and had a lovely little nap a while ago#but this is bothersome#i hope my back feels better by tomorrow so i can finish my cleaning and then message my landlord#because i don't want to freeze here anymore xD and i also don't want my houseplants dying because of it so
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#inscryption#rebecha#this has been unfinished forever i don't have the energy to even touch it anymore#i like it though! sadly it will never be completed#obviously inspired by longelk's rebecha she lives rent free in my mind palace#unfinished rendered version under the cut#i have drawn something
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#i haven't seen a michigan one yet and even though i don't live here anymore i had to participate lol#m.txt#polls
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god help me i'm going insane about dickson xenoblade again
#this is what i get for thinking about lord of the rings too hard this week (specifically denethor / gríma / saruman and the like)#thinking about the way anthony may delivered “when will you learn you HAVE no future?”#he thinks shulk is fully DEAD at that point. he thinks HE killed him. which he very much meant to. but now that the kid is no longer there#now that the terrible future he's been preparing for and actively working to bring about has in fact come about#i don't know that dickson really cared anymore. he played his part he did the deed expected and he did it unquestioningly. So What Now?#well. now nothing. now the world that he spent so long biding his time in; so long getting enmeshed in (even for nefarious purposes)#is about to end; is about to be gone forever.#sure zanza will probably just create another world and maybe he (dickson) will have Even More Power in the new one#(though that's not a given! he doesn't know for SURE his lord and god will keep his promise!)#but like. what the hell does he care at this point#dickson SAYS he wants power but i suspect that long long ago what the giant dickson really wanted was SURVIVAL.#we never get to know just how he became a disciple or what the giant civilization looked like in its heyday or how it ended#but in MY headcanon dickson saw that some kind of destruction coming and he wanted Out#and maybe he hated his peers and figured any power and prestige that came from this bargain was just a bonus#i think he thought of himself as a saruman type: powerful; remote; far above the petty troubles of mortals (even the long-lived high entia)#but i have always headcanoned that by his later days (i.e. when he started engaging w/colony 9; machina village; etc. in earnest)#he committed too hard to the bit and started “going native” as it were; started to give a shit in ways that he would never dare admit#maybe not as much of a shit as; you know; a regular guy would. but more than an immortal disciple and horseman of the apocalypse should.#and all the time knowing that all the world he'd seen would soon be gone#maybe everyone else can get fucked. but shulk had to die too. and that's what their god MADE them to do.#he can't allow himself to care or to hope for another option bc in his mind it's already over; decided; that's it#what else can you do in the face of ultimate power but bow to it and take whatever scraps may fall to an obedient servant?#“you have no future” nor does he except that shulk came back. except that the peoples of bionis/mechonis just wouldn't accept Fate.#and in some final rebellious corner of his mind he starts putting eggs in shulk's basket. “if they can't even defeat telethia they won't#stand a chance against me (or zanza)” so let's see if they CAN. oh they did? how about a dragon? oh fuck they defeated the dragon too?#well fuck. maybe there WAS another option all along. but will/can they stand against me; the final disciple? oh they can??#guess i'll die then bc i'm not looking THAT in the face. i am NOT unpacking my cowardice/failure/lack of vision after all these years.#good luck with that tho <3 you're welcome for the training btw. where i'm going i don't have to see your trauma assuming you live that long.#dickson#xenoblade
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ok thats it i literally need a new job now .
#i know i bitch and moan a lot abt my job. but not without good reason!#however i really want to get out of here now today.#fucking. supervisor who keeps telling me to do more as far as maintaining the coffee area#when 90% of the issues are actually fault of the dumbass stock traders we make coffee for who dont know how to make a cup of coffee#and cant clean up after themselves. and i get that its my job but this is also just fucking stupid#and normally she tells me this stuff in the area where i brew the coffee which is more or less away from people#its at least more away from people than the hallway where the coffee station is where people always are#which is where she chose to loudly tell me more things i should be doing#maybe don't fucking do that in front of the people i do this stuff for! now they think im a fucking idiot!#like that's just. idk kind of unprofessional to me like you don't lecture your employees in front of customers#if we're so concerned abt the appearance and image of the service we provide (which this place is concerned way too much with)#then idk maybe talking abt that kind of stuff should be done more privately. or at least quietly#like she wasnt yelling at me but like everyone around could clearly hear it#but like ive said before i cant standddddd this job anymore.#so i might apply for that store leader job at gregorys coffee#even though the work culture there seems like a different kind of annoying#id at least be making Much More and also closer to where i live so#i just have to fix up my resume and make it seem like i can handle more of a management kinda job
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i feel our edges begin to blur
pose reference taken from the music video for the song велетні by rohata zhaba, which you can watch here
#this is some extreme tittage going on here tumblr don't worry raven's nonbinary and amab (sorta) it's fine guys don't worry about it#anyway wow i love toxic codependent assholes that all hate each other and can't live alone anymore#if i look at this any longer i'll go insane and snap someone in half dear god just take it already#ocs#my ocs#my art#art#illustration#reckoning#nudity#artistic nude#no genitals though don't even worry about it
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Shoelace wanted for the suspected CRIME of eating one of her tank mates!!
My only male avatar meaning I won't be able to breed them!!
EDIT: Warrent on hold as she likely just ate him after he died.
#bug babbles#I don't know for sure if she did#but I changed the whole tank and he was missing and there was noly some mystery shell in the soil right NEXT TO SHOELACES SPOT#I'll be real bummed out if she did eat them as it means I can't keep her with the small guys anymore#but I've no proof...#but millipedes don't just VANISH in 5 days#even if he died the minute I put him in the tank his body would have still been in there#they wouldn't rot away that fast#though he could have died and she ate him... which is fine I guess#as long as she's not eating live tank mates
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26 is still young my dear <3 you have time
i don't know if the person who sent this will ever see it; it's over a year old at this point. i got this message presumably in response to some fear i had over turning 26 last year, and i've kept it in my inbox so i could look at it whenever i was anxious about my life going too fast. you're right, 26 is still very young. i'm 27 now, so i'm letting this message go, but i will still think of it often. and thank you. i needed it. <3
#i am 27 and i've been on this site since i was 14 so that's insane because its nearly half my life#and fuck man some of you have followed me since like 2012-2013 which is even crazier#i just got a foot in the door to my dream job and i start this week!! even though i can't squat down & get up without groaning anymore#and i have more than a couple grey hairs and i take care of an entire living cat#i do still have plenty of time#and to my friends and followers in their late 20s and early 30s- my mom who is 53 just set herself on a new path#and she has many many years to grow and to enjoy it#you have time!! even when it doesn't feel like you do#truly and genuinely grateful for the person who sent me this message even if i don't remember the context anymore#i hope you see this and know how much you've done for me
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.
#update for my friends here#(and then I gotta go read aristotle lol)#I'm doing ok. I think maybe I've made some friends here. particularly a couple of girls on my hall who have been very kind to me.#wish my emotions would come back and be normal#and by 'normal' I mean not just random crying whenever I try to sit still and think for a few minutes.#there's so much happening. my heart is pulled so many ways. I'm not sure how to resolve any of it.#and I'm aching for resolution.#but I think God is trying to show me how much more I still haven't done or experienced#even though a lot of times I feel like I've lived all of life there is to live and there's nothing left anymore.#I wish I had more trustworthy people in my life who are older than me and can help speak into this experience.#I need to call my parents and siblings back home. I miss them.#I keep questioning my decision to come here. maybe I should've stayed home.#I don't know. maybe it's all an exercise in trust.#I'm still afraid most of the time I think. I wish I could put that fear to death. I wish I could just lean back and trust.#everything just moves so fast.#if any of my post-college (undergrad at least) friends would like to give me tips for slowing down and being intentional with life#and relationships and stuff#during this phase of life--I am extremely open to hearing about them!#love you all <3
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i feel so fucking lonely right now and i miss my friends so much even though i saw them today
i really want to spend time with them rn and go outside or even just chill somewhere together
i feel like i don't have a right to miss them because i see them semi regularly but i feel like something changed in our friendgroup and in the way we interact with each other and i'm scared that the group will break apart soon
and i miss my partner even though i just saw them a couple hours ago
its not logical to miss him after such a short time and i'm annoyed at myself and i don't know why i feel that way
i'm at home but home doesn't feel like home without my friends and my partner
#tw vent#vent post#max barks#i just had to get this off my chest#i miss people so easily and i cannot deal with that right now#i dont want to live with my mom anymore#i feel like my friends are more of a family than my real one is#and i miss wuppertal even though I've been there today#i don't know why i feel so at home at my uni campus#i'm not happy about the weekend at all#i just wanna spend time with my friends#i miss hanging out with them each friday and making a campfire and cooking together and all that stuff#i just don't feel stable rn i guess
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