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sawocs · 5 years

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I HAVE FOUR NEW OCS theyre Jr. OCs bc they’re made 2 go with Draha and Warren BUT im gonna post lil baby summaries of them all..... YES i have pics made but even tho the picrew maker says edits r allowed i feel bad........ so idk if im gonna post them or not lol *dies* ANYWAYS

all 4 of these dudes/dudettes r Kin (supernatural beings)

1) Frej (it/its + masc; gay)

Frej is an Ekimmu Netrunner.... roughly summarized from the Nightlife guide, it’s part of a race of kin, appearing as a gruesome corpse that’s born after someone breaks a vow to tend to a grave. Frej was twenty when it died in a car accident, and is one of the rare group of Kin associated with Draha who were born after the transition into the cyberpunk future of the 2020s. Coming from a low-ranking Corporate family, its parents abandoned its grave after both receiving large promotions (grief can disrupt corporate loyalty, after all). When reborn, Ekimmu maintain any and all injuries sustained before death, meaning Frej looks rather gruesome— that’s part of the reason it chose to become a Netrunner, living in the world of cyberspace where people only see its avatar; there’s a lot less fear and judgement on the Net. Moody and rash, Frej takes a long time to warm up to people, but it’s close friends with Eumelia. Vega and Cassian can’t stand it— they feel like it doesn’t take its work seriously enough. It and Eumelia share a morbid sense of humor, though, part of their ways of coping with being a reanimated corpse, and in Eumelia’s case being nearly 3,000 years old. When not jacked in to the Net, Frej tends to dress in bright colors and tacky fashions. He has bright pink hair, no eyes (he usually wears bandages over them), greyed skin and multiple large lacerations on his chest, hands, and smaller ones face (a cut lip, a cut on his forehead, and a chunk torn from his ear).

2) Vega (she/her; bi)

An Animate, Vega awoke in a panic and, upon seeing her body, crushed the head of her creator with her bare hands. That was when she knew if she wanted to live any normal sort of life, she’d have to become a Solo. The head of Draha’s entire squad of Solos, Vega is the best of the best of the best. Incredibly strong AND incredibly smart, Vega also gas excellent reflexes and always knows how to keep her cool. She’s close friends with Eumelia because their work often draws them together— with high quantities of cybernetics and regular weapons as well, if Vega ever needs a repair she goes directly to Eumelia. Vega is fairly close to Cassian as well, viewing him as a younger brother (even though he’s older than her in years). Though er body and mind are that of an approximately 36 year old woman, Vega has only truly been alive for about fifteen years. She’s rebellious and antisocial, rarely interacting with humans, even ones within Drahomír’s ranks. She keeps her hair in a curly black undercut, and her eyes are a cloudy white (she relies on cybernetics to see). Her skin is divided in patches of a dull green, grey, and normal flesh-colored, showing the variations of freshness among the corpses her creator used. The thick black stitching has become a fashion statement for her, as much as her ear, eyebrow, and tongue piercings.

3) Cassian (he/him)

He may look like a fourteen year old, but if you underestimate Cassian it will be the last thing you do. A water spirit called an Asrai, Cassian has actually been alive for forty-five years. He lives in the fountain outside Draha’s mansion, and acts as a lawyer for the vampire. Once working for one of the largest Kin-run corporations, he left that job when he realized he’d much rather avoid the ruthlessness of the corporate ladder. The most respected of Draha’s team and the most ruthless, Cassian benefits from the naturally high intelligence and cool of his race. Serious and aloof, Cassian rarely makes true friends, though he is relatively close to Vega, and he tolerates Eumelia. While he acknowledges Frej’s talent on the Net, he doesn’t think it should act anywhere near as childish as it does. Cassian has light blue-tinged skin and often sheds water droplets, with uniform blue-green eyes (no irises or pupils) and shimmering white hair. He dresses only in suits, generally tailor made because his body is both young in appearance and only around four and a half feet tall.

4) Eumelia (she/her; lesbian)

2,897 years old, Eumelia is a Medusa. Born in ancient Greece, her mother raised her within a small clan of Medusae, but a falling out would mean that eventually Eumelia would go off on her own. Much, much older than Draha, she has more than earned his respect through that fact alone— she doesn’t really have any aspirations for control, though. She’s seen men struggle for power and fail too many times. The best Techie in the business, Eumelia can make any sort of gadget or cybernetic implant your heart could desire, often spending time around Vega; they share a love for the weapons of the future. Casual and laid-back, many men who come to her underestimate her intelligence... and wind up turned to stone. While glamoured, she appears as a regular woman with green hair (the style varies)— when not glamoured, she has snakes for hair and batlike wings growing from her back, as well as luminescent yellow eyes. Her dress style tends to be rather free; why should she stop herself from wearing whatever she wants? She’s almost three thousand years old, after all. If she wants to wear just overalls and a bra with her high-heeled boots, goddamnit she’s gonna. She has a girlfriend currently, a Daemon also on Draha’s paycheck, and they’ve been happily together for about ten years. Eumelia gets along well with both Frej and Vega, but finds Cassian a little too uptight for her tastes.

#frej #vega #cassian #eumelia #oc intro

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brvckin-blog · 5 years

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in all forms except physical i can write an intro, know that ( ! ) i’m mikhia, you can call me mikki if you want tho idc lmao, i’m eighteen, and i live my life by the word of park sooyoung. in her name we pray, amen! i’m always tryna come up with some kind of witty intro but LMAO that never happens and probs never will so this is it.......... this is what y’all get! if you wanna plot then read this shit and gimme a mf smash of that heart and i’ll hit you up! or, if you prefer plotting on d.iscord then you can find me over at YUKHEI’S WHITE GIRL LAUGH #5355 just like tell me who you are when i add you!

▶ BASIC INFORMATION

breckin rhee isn’t as innocent as he seems. on the outside they’re just another twenty-one year old junior who’s looking to get through college with a degree in biology, but let me be the first to tell you there’s more than meets the eye. although they were ingrid’s party buddy, they were the one who held her still while she was bound and gagged. hopefully nobody finds out what they did!

▶ BULLET POINT BACKGROUND

the following overview contains triggering topics such as abuse, drug use, manipulation, and murder. if any of these topics make you uncomfortable then please click away as your well being is a lot more important than the background of my character. however, just as an fyi, none of the topics are talked about in depth, just more-so mentioned!

growing up it was just breckin and his dad living in a big, isolated house at the end of a road where no one really cared to get to know one another. he never knew what happened to his mom, but he also never asked. him and his dad didn’t have the kind of relationship for that; him and his dad were never close enough to have personal conversations.

the two of them only spoke a handful of words to each other by the time the boy was ten and had been completely raised by a nanny. but then everything changed when she just didn’t show up one day and his dad decided to play the role of a parent for once. and, just like with his mom, he had no idea what happened to his former parental figure.

he was shit at it (go figure) and constantly yelled at breckin, even pushing him around and smashing his toys just cause he felt like it. he didn’t understand what he had ever done wrong and a part of him thought that this was just how every parent treated their child.

when he was twelve, he ended up finding an old camcorder and instantly fell in love with filming everything around him. it all looked so beautiful through a lens; untainted. but he was young and kids can be dumb. he ended up recording over one of the tapes inside and when his dad found out, he completely lost it.

apparently breckin had taped over an old home video of his mom, one that his dad watched frequently, and it became the catalyst for events that would change his life forever. it was the first time his dad was ever physically abusive towards him.

he doesn’t really have much memory of the event, but he does remember being at the top of the stairs filming before everything went black. he found out later that his dad had pushed him down the stairs, but it was ruled an accident and he was put back into his care after he healed.

things only got worse from there with his dad constantly telling him that he was a monster, that no one would ever love him, and that no one would care if he died. these things clawed their way down his throat and found a home in his lungs until he felt like he could no longer breathe.

as he got older and a little colder, he started fighting back and it ended up just being a big brawl between him and his dad all the time. they would literally beat the shit out of each other multiple times a week until, suddenly, it all stopped when he was sixteen.

his dad remarried and the woman brought in two younger children. then, suddenly, his dad was someone else entirely. it was like the bitter old man had been replaced by the most wholesome being in the world. he acted like a completely different person and it pissed breckin off. but it also inspired him in a way; it changed his outlook on the world around him entirely.

so he changed his personality too, became the picture perfect son who played sports and got good grades. he held up his image well, but the monster his father always told him he was never went away. it just waited under his facade until the perfect time to strike.

it was after his first real girlfriend that he decided he liked hurting people. he liked breaking their hearts because it made him feel like a god. he was the perfect boyfriend, dating girls and boys and anyone that was dumb enough to fall for his tricks. he would make sure that he was all they thought about, that they were sure they were in love with him, and then he would rip the rug right out from under them.

nothing made him happier than watching them cry and beg him not to do this. they looked so ugly and broken and he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful. he liked seeing people at their most vulnerable, got off on humiliating them.

it was around that same time that he also got into drugs, cocaine specifically, and it helped to perk him up; it helped to make him not look so dead inside. he was a great actor, but the eyes are the window to the soul and his held nothing inside.

with his new life planned out, breckin made the decision to go to college and major in biology with the hopes of getting into med school and becoming a doctor like his father. in some weird way, it was almost like he wanted to be just like him, to show him that he was only monster because of him.

it was at his high school graduation that he found out what really happened to his mother when she suddenly showed up trying to act like everything was ok. in his mind, he had already come to terms with her death, deciding that his father more than likely killed her. but the truth hurt a whole lot more. she had just left........ left him with a monster who didn’t love him. and, not only that, but she had a whole new family with two children (his half siblings) and one of them was even close to him in age. it enraged him and, so, the next morning he cut the brake line in her car and killed her off permanently. she was dead to him so dead she would stay.

when he left for uni, he constructed a backstory where he was the son of a pastor who graduated as valedictorian and blushed when complimented. none of that was true, but it didn’t matter. everyone would believe him and would never question it so it didn’t matter.

at freshman orientation, he found his first victim and really set everything back into motion. he began dating anyone and everyone before ultimately cheating on them, and breaking their hearts in the worst possible way all while holding up his perfect little persona until the end.

it was a cruel game, but he was able to keep others quiet about who he really was either through blackmail or through them being so humiliated that they left school and moved away.

over the years though as he’s gotten busier and has gotten closer to graduating, he’s really been too exhausted to keep up his facade as much so he’s basically half himself and half good church goin boy lmao!

▶ LIST OF SECRETS

obviously no one knows about these (unless we’ve plotted something out surrounding them) so keep these to your ooc self beetch! i honestly just wanted to throw ‘em down here because my memory is shit!

breckin plans on going to med school after graduation so, in preparation for becoming a doctor down the road, he will oftentimes practice on willing peers who are looking for a little extra cash.

he has a weird obsession with death but, more specifically, what comes after. it’s something that no one knows the answer to so he has taken it upon himself to try and figure it out. how, you ask? think flatliners. he hooks himself (and other people occasionally) to a machine then injects them with a drug to stop their heart. they die, the two minute countdown begins, then they’re resuscitated. he’s been getting a little too brave lately though and letting himself flatline for longer periods of time.

even though those two things in particular could get him not only kicked out of school, but ruin his chances of getting into med school, there are others that would pretty much bury his entire reputation six feet under. since he was in his early teens, breckin has been living a sort of double life. he pretends to be a nice boy who only has good intentions, but he couldn’t be more opposite. he loves breaking hearts, hurting others, and humiliating them. more often than not, he dates people solely for that.

even though he doesn’t need the money, he loves attention so he started up his very own little artistic porn blog on tumblr (throw it back to when that shit was still allowed). he began when he was a freshman and has accumulated around forty thousand followers in that time. he never shows his face or anything but he posts pretty racy photos and sells pictures, videos, and audio recordings to those that are willing to pay.

breckin has a very packed schedule between studying pre-med, playing sports, and keeping up with all of his other extracurricular activities that he doesn’t find much time to do normal things like sleeping, eating, etc. this has pushed him to find other means to sustain him that mostly include divulging in various drugs of choice.

▶ POTENTIAL PLOT IDEAS

these are just barebone ideas that could and should be expanded on. but, again, they’re only ideas and i’m really open to plotting just about anything? especially if you have smth in particular that you really want filled, please don’t be afraid to come to me about it! all plots are also open to any muse of any gender!

TEAMMATE(S) — breck is really into sports (specifically more aggressive ones) so if your muse plays any such as: football, lacrosse, hockey, etc then hmu! we can do full blown rivals, playful rivals, mates who just help keep each other motivated to do their best, etc.

HALF SIBLING — if you read the background info then you’ll know that breck’s mom pretty much disappeared then showed back up with two new kids who are his half siblings. however, one of them is pretty close to his age so it’d be cool to have them around? especially considering the fact that he ended up killing their mother yikes! even though they obvs don’t know that it could make for some good writing to explore them finding it out in the future!

ROMANTIC(?) — i’m talkin fwb, exes that he’s played, one night stands, etc. considering the fact that his schedule has only gotten busier and busier, he doesn’t really have time to date around like he used to but he still has needs, damn, so essketit!

PARTY BUDDY — breck likes to party a lot and likes to get fucked up so he needs some friends who’ll humor him and who can keep up with all of his wild shenanigans.

DRUG DEALER — with the amount of shit he does (both personally and otherwise) he could keep your character completely funded himself lmao! hes got a lot of money so let his dumbass give it to you!

NEIGHBOR(S) — breck doesn’t live on campus cause fuck that hes too old for it and he hated it anyway so he lives in an apartment which means your muse? could be his neighbor idk this is super vague but we could do a lot with it just trust me!

SECRETS(?) — considering a couple of his secrets are a little out there it’d be kinda cool to have someone in on them. like, with his whole experimenting on people thing and basically killing them then bringing them back to see what they experienced ya....... could be fun literally someone gimme it!

#liarsintro #anyway..... gas me up :)#☆ — ❛ out of character. ❜

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1001aus · 7 years

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So I’m being attacked by plot bunnies about a universe where Maglor ends up being part of the Je’daii and sort of follows the Order up through the OT??? It’s part of a group of works that I’m sort-of writing, sort-of world-building where Maglor ends up in the “modern world” in a variety of series where the focus (for me, at least) is on how the different circumstances and amount of time passed has affected his character.

(Incidentally, there is also a planet called Arda in Star Wars. It’s near Felucia and Yavin.)

Anyway, this has resulted in a lot of world-building for the Je’daii other than stuff on the wiki like “they exiled heretics to the moon until they got their shit together.” And so, I present to you:

When the Tho Yor went around picking people up, each one took a different route, which resulted in an early association of certain races with particular temples. (One might expect the Nautolans to be connected to Mahara Kesh because it’s in an ocean, but ironically it’s Vur Tepe.)

Telepathy was one of the first force skills the Je’daii figured out because no one could communicate. Even that might have taken them awhile if not for some help from the Dai Bendu.

The choosing of a new Temple Master was an internal affair to the relevant temple almost without exception. This is true of most temple matters, actually. In order for the High Council to step in regarding temple matters six of the other eight Temple Masters/Councillors had to agree that something was wrong or the temple in question had to specifically petition for aid.

Each temple has it’s own process for choosing new Temple Masters. At Mahara Kesh, it was common that the Temple Masters were theoretical masters of force healing who weren’t actually powerful enough for the more intensive procedures. That meant that they knew what the temple needed, but that their focus on administrative matters didn’t tie up a talented healer. Vur Tepe had similar criteria.

Rangers and Masters could switch around between temples, but the title of Master tended to be connected to a single temple. This was because being considered a “master of the force/teachings” was connected very strongly to which part of the teachings one specialized in. This really only got mentioned when the Masters in question were away from their particular temple. Otherwise everyone just assumed Master Whatsherface living at Qigong Kesh was good at force manipulation and Master Whatshisname at Stav Kesh was great with a sword.

A Master is only eligible to be Temple Master at a temple which’s teachings they are a recognized master of. Generally they also had to be living at or near the temple.

It was possible to be a Master at multiple temples, but very rare.

After Akar Kesh, the Masters of Padawan Kesh get the most respect because they are in charge of teaching the next generations and needed to have at least a basic mastery of most of the topics taught at the academy.

The Temple Master of Akar Kesh is the traditional head of the High Council. (In the PT this is Mace Windu who is Master of the Order, but as the council isn’t spread out among multiple temples anymore it functions slightly differently.)

The High Council was both a unifying force for the Je’daii and also a political unit for dealing with those outside the Order.

Je’daii Journeyers traditionally visited Akar Kesh last as a symbolic recognition of the importance of balance. Otherwise the route taken and the order in which the temples were visited was left entirely up to each individual.

Padawan Kesh tried to avoid “graduating classes” as the Journey is meant to be an intensely personal thing about finding one’s place in the Order and in the Force. They didn’t want groups travelling out and leading someone to choose what they think they should rather than what suited them.

The Journey was generally to be taken on foot where possible, though mounts were permissible.

The Journey typically started some time shortly before one reached the age of adulthood for their race.

Lightsabers are a relatively modern invention. The first lightsabers weren’t created until well after the Force Wars and weren’t practical for use in battle.

And specifically regarding this story:

Maglor was totally the first to start teaching people telepathy. It comes naturally to elves and, as he was the only one to board the Tho Yor that came to Arda, no one speaks any language he knows.

This is the same Tho Yor that the Nautolans were on, that eventually became Vur Tepe.

The elven name for everything beyond their planet being Avacúma (trans. Forbidden Void) resulted in a general cultural taboo against leaving the planet. This continued on well past the end of the Third Age and means that space travel is generally Not Done by natives. Visitors tend to get side-eyed.

This means that technically Arda never joined the Republic, though their disinterested policy on galactic politics means that not only is this a fact rarely remembered, but that it keeps them out of the limelight.

Maglor knew when he boarded the Tho Yor that it was unlikely he would be able to return even if he left for ten thousand years. Even ignoring the long memory for his crimes, “wandering Avacúma” is an act associated with Morgoth and considered to be the source of the Dark Lord’s defiance and evil.

Spacers are very unpopular and considered suspicious for reasons beyond the general assumption that they’re all smugglers and pirates.

One might expect there to be fighting over mithril as a valuable ore, but it’s actually almost entirely unknown to the wider galaxy. This is in part to to its rarity and the fact that (like beskar) it’s near unworkable, but mostly it’s because mithril is mined and worked exclusively by Dwarves and they don’t generally trade it away. Mithril pieces owned by other races were generally gifts. None have ever been gifted to non-Ardans.

Ardan politics have always been very environmentally conscious and hostile to industrialization. Pictures of factories invoke stories of Mordor, Angband, and Utumno to them and they don’t want to invite in anything like the Blacklands or corporate corruption.

When technology finally did become common on Arda, it was only the greenest of Green technology. Everything is environmentally friendly.

Ardan languages aren’t heard off-world. They’re actually so unknown to the wider galaxy that they can’t be programmed into droids because no one who produces droid bits knows the languages well enough.

The local dialect of Basic is nearly unintelligible to anyone else.

The “political” dialect of Basic that is the most commonly spoken dialect in the Republic is actually very rare on Arda. It’s learned mostly so that outsiders can’t trick them or use their lack of knowledge against them. Even then, finding someone who actually speaks it fluently is hard.

The Maw Cluster is where Morgoth is imprisoned.

As a whole, Arda is a Force nexus. Up until the Straight Path to Aman was closed and magic/the Force “left” Middle Earth the effect was so strong that it actually resulted in time being strange there. (The rest of the galaxy says the Maw Cluster was created ~100,000 years BBY, but anyone on Arda would tell you it’s been only half that.)

Maglor is very naturally talented with the Force--it’s Ainulindalë after all, and he learned the Songs of Power--but the way he first learned Force manipulation at Taniquetil actually put him at a great disadvantage in learning new Force techniques. He learned from Ainur/Celestials who are capable of manipulating the Force in such a way that they direct the bigger picture while keeping track of all the details and for a lot of the types of things that the Je’daii did this resulted in him being unable to let go of one or the other to achieve his goal. His attempts to imbue a blade with the Force were a source of great interest to Vur Tepe.

One might have expected Maglor to make his home at Bodhi, but he eventually settled at Akar Kesh where he spent several centuries refusing the title of Temple Master.

Maglor kept the silmaril instead of throwing it into the ocean. As soon as he was able, he started keeping it in a box made of cortosis that can only be opened with the Force.

Maglor’s greater understanding of the Force and the functions of Ashla and Bogan have greatly affected his views of Valinor and the Valar. While he still has a very personal dislike of Morgoth as a person, he feels he’s come to understand the lesson Eru meant to be learned from His allowance of Morgoth’s actions.

In the modern Jedi Order, Maglor is a crèche master in charge of two clans: Dúnedan Clan, whose members often become Sentinels, and Istar Clan, whose members excel in Force manipulation. No one else in the Order gets the references.

Anyway, this is what I have so far that isn’t a bunch of horrible spoilers for the potential story.

As for the time dilation thing, I eventually came up with that to explain the disparity of the timelines and also to show a tangible effect of the result of magic leaving Arda. However, I have since read @deadcatwithaflamethrower‘s lovely Re-Entry series and I will say: the effect is not nearly the same as the one on Flamethrower’s Mortis, but it’s also not too far off. If anyone had been trying to keep track of a galactic calendar before the end of the Third Age.

Also, this is not the story for which I was originally intending to borrow the wonderful @jhaernyl‘s Admin Corps for, but damn if the PT Order cannot possibly be a functioning entity without some kind of bureaucracy so they’ll probably be making an appearance as I continue to flesh out the Order in its various incarnations.

#Star Wars #World Building #Jedi #Je'daii #Silmarillion #Maglor #Fanfiction #All the Stars Verse #Considering calling the bigger project One Asshole's Journey to Accepting His Own Dickery ngl #A working title at least

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: 4.1.2017, 3.31.2007

the songs that debuted on the billboard chart this week and ten years ago this week.

3.31.2007

42) "With Love," Hilary Duff

This was thoroughly unpleasant. Hold up, before I check Wikipedia, I'ma guess Kara DioGuardi was in on this one? I think I've listened to enough 2007 at this point that I can recognize Kara DioGuardi's trademark blechery in here. /checks the credits/ OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY IS SHE SO TRASH. Kara DioGuardi has written plenty of bad songs, including the two most disappointing songs I've heard as part of this project. She's given a credit on "Be Good to Me," which you'll recall was a travesty, and she's given a credit here, on this bad imitation of a Timbaland song. I won't do a Worst 10 or anything like that, because why would I think about things I don't like any longer than I have to, but I guarantee, there’d be multiple Kara DioGuardi joints on a Worst 10. I'm not going to look at her Wikipedia page, for the same reason other people find it difficult to watch Hannibal, but also to keep life full of surprises.

68) "Survivalism," Nine Inch Nails

a fun thing about listening to political songs from 2007 is how quaint they seem now. remember when the problems we have today were still problems but like 1% as bad as they are now? say what you will about dubya, he never flew into a rage on a saturday morning and accused bill clinton of wiretapping the texas rangers. there was some shit being pulled in 2007, like f’rinstance remember that one time the president suspended habeas corpus for undocumented immigrants? that was pretty unchill. but at least he wasn't gleefully racist. at least he didn't propose we spend billions of dollars to build a monument to racism.

76) "Get It Shawty," Lloyd

I didn't hate this! This song is incredibly 2007, but it's 2007 in a way that's somewhat timeless, if that makes any sense. Like, in 2014, I wrote about Nico & Vinz's "Am I Wrong?" that, yeah, there's a few things in there that will mark it as being from 2014, but if you wrote this song in any era, it could have blended in with that era's trends and styles with aplomb, and we would have loved it all the same. There's a lot here that's very 2007, but at its core, this song is kind of perfect, could have been released today and sound like a hit from today and still occupy the same space in my heart. It's like "Absolutely (Story of a Girl)," or Amerie's "One Thing," just a solid song which'll make you go "Oh yeah! This! I loved this!" when it comes on.

90) "You Know I'm No Good," Amy Winehouse ft./Ghostface Killah 91) "Rehab," Amy Winehouse

It is uncouth to speak ill of the dead. It is also uncouth to write that sentence in this context, prolly, but let us be known for what we are. I hope she's doing better. (That bass on "You Know I'm No Good," tho.)

94) "Beautiful Liar," Beyonce & Shakira

Listen, team, we need to talk about restraint for a second, because there are a thousand ways this project could have gone wrong. You get two superstars on the track together, there's absolutely the risk of putting something completely overcooked on the market, some showy vocal battle, but everything here is so understated. The Middle Eastern-y sound could have been laid on too thick, but it's doled out in this tiny, almost imperceptible dose, and that sets the tone for the rest of the track. No one belts anything, because it's understood that there's nothing to belt about, just a dumb boy that isn't worth the effort, and Beyonce and Shakira are compelling singers who don't NEED to be belting all the time to get the point across. This is such a fascinating song! You would expect a song from two titans to attempt to set fire to the world, but this merely simmers, doesn't even boil, just simmers, and it's an agreeable choice.

96) "Like This," Kelly Rowland ft./Eve

The synth track on this song kind of, kind of sounds like the main menu theme of Yoshi's Island, at least sounds close enough to Yoshi's Island that I can completely fuck with this, even if I think the drum track is kind of illogical. (Bob! you should be making jokes, what is this music criticism thing.) UGH FINE oh wow kelly rowland follow beyonce much. you know how like you two used to be in destiny's child but beyonce had a much more successful solo career. hey where's the michelle williams one. um, michelle williams much? that's a person also who was in destiny's child as well, also. she's very less successful! how about that! having fun living a full life and hopefully retiring early after having made smart investments with the money you made from your time in a popular music group? what a putz!

2007 Top 20 In Progress, Except Not Really, Because 2007 Is Kinda Over if You Haven’t Noticed? But I’m Still Ranking These Songs as I Go Because I Don’t Know What Else to Do. 20) "Outside Looking In," by Jordan Pruitt (2.24.2007) 19) "Like a Boy," by Ciara (3.17.2007) 18) "Grace Kelly," by MIKA (2.17.2007) 17) "Get it Shawty," by Lloyd (3.31.2007) 16) "Break 'Em Off," by Paul Wall ft./Lil' KeKe (3.10.2007) 15) "My Oh My," by The Wreckers (1.27.2007) 14) "Mr. Jones," by Mike Jones (1.27.2007) 13) "Settlin'," by Sugarland (2.17.2007) 12) "Movin' On," by Elliott Yamin (3.17.2007) 11) "U + Ur Hand," by P!nk (1.13.2007) 10) "Doe Boy Fresh," by Three 6 Mafia ft./Chamillionaire (1.20.2007) 9) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 8) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 7) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 6) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 5) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 4) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 3) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 2) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 1) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) Jordan Pruitt, hanging on for one more week! Can she keep the miracle run near the bottom of the chart going? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT HOW MUCH I ENJOY “WHO KNEW.”

4.1.2017

14) "No Frauds," by Nicki Minaj, Drake, & Lil Wayne

This was a very boring song, most of which concerns a topic in which I'm not particularly invested? Like I guess it's kind of interesting to drop a diss track where you sound completely disinterested in the beef, the response is perfunctory and you're only responding because your opponent's name carries some weight and people'll give you shit if you completely ignore it. I’m down for a diss track where the participant is hella bored by this nonsense, but that probably wasn't the intended interpretation. I dunno. If there's one thing I learned from digging through just three months' worth of 2007 hits, it's that there are songs meant to be forgotten, and I have a feeling, if there is a 2027 and we're all still free, there's gonna be another obsessive white dude who's made poor life choices and poorer facial hair choices digging through the 2017 vaults, coming across this song, and realizing sometimes things are forgotten because they're forgettable.

61) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj

I'm of two minds on this. The first one doesn't think we put Nicki Minaj on this earth to make Drake songs. But also, I had a good time! It sounded inspiring, and the idea of a Nicki Minaj break-up song is so inherently interesting to me that I'd almost put it in the "down for this no matter what" category. I just think it could've been a touch more creative than "here's Nicki doing a sad song."

71) "Changed It," by Nicki Minaj & Lil' Wayne

That thing Nicki does at 1:45, "I am Billie Jean and the bitch is my SON," that's why we never stop believing. That's why we listen to this nonsense with entirely too much modern-day Lil' Wayne, because Nicki Minaj will ocassionally do things like that with her voice.

72) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky

I DON'T KNOW WHY FRANK DECIDED TO START BEING BREEZY AND MAKE SONGS THAT ARE FUN TO LISTEN TO BUT I APPRECIATE THAT HE'S ZAGGIN' ON 'EM. It feels shitty to give this song a couple of spins and then form a loud all-capsable opinion about it, because that feels like giving the intricacy and depth of Frank Ocean's songs short shrift. But it's his own damn fault for making this song so breezy! It's not necessarily lighthearted, it's not like Frank Ocean is ever gonna take us to his happy place, but it's airy and soft (you know, soft, like air sometimes is), it feels good to just let these sounds envelop you, and I haven't quite yet figured out how to express what I love about the transition to Rocky's verse, but trust that I loved it. (Maybe this doesn't need to go up the date the chart drops?) nah, we’re good

78) "Liability," by Lorde

This feels like a song that's probably going to be really dope in the context of the album, where it can play the supporting role it is clearly meant to play, but as a standalone track, I dunno. It's definitely more interesting than the average piano-'n-strings song, you can really hear that Fun. sound clear as day. It's just not particularly substantive on its own. Though, I suppose if it's being released as a teaser, it performs the job admirably, giving just a hint of what the album could sound like. I'm stoked.

95) "Prblms," by 6LACK

sadness is not the only valid emotion. darkness cannot exist without light. fucking christ, you people won't listen to "Run Up," but you'll listen to a parade of fucking dudes bleat about how shitty their relationships are. i don't get it.

The 2017 Top 20, Which Actually Is in Progress! 20) "Regret in Your Tears," by Nicki Minaj (4.1) 19) "Way Down We Go," by Kaleo (1.14) 18) "Everyday," by Ariana Grande ft./Future (3.4) 17) "Light," by Big Sean ft./Jeremih (2.25) 16) "Draco," by Future (3.11) 15) "Guys My Age," by Hey Violet (2.11) 14) "Good Drank," by 2 Chainz ft./Gucci Mane & Quavo (2.11) 13) "Yeah Boy," Kelsea Ballerini (3.4) 12) "Selfish," by Future ft./Rihanna (3.18) 11) "Slide," by Calvin Harris ft./Frank Ocean & Migos (3.18) 10) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 9) "Now & Later," by Sage the Gemini (2.25) 8) "Shape of You," by Ed Sheeran (1.28) 7) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 6) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 5) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 4) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 3) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 2) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 1) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) “iSpy” is a freshly-minted Top 10 hit, and I’m so excited for that. Light the way forward, KYLE. Show the world it’s okay to be happy and make fun songs.

Who won the week?

Frank Ocean had the best individual song, and that is to be commended, but oh my stars does 2007 ever take it. “With Love” would sink weaker ships, but we had “Beautiful Liar” and “Get it Shawty” on this one, along with the Yoshi’s Island sounds and the bass line in an Amy Winehouse song. “Chanel” took to the seas with one pretty cool Nicki song, two bleh Nicki songs, fucking 6LACK, and a Lorde song not meant to live on its own. It falls to the bottom of the ocean, and future underwater anthropologists (prolly a thing?) will find it in the wreckage and ask how..

Official Standings 2007: 1 2017: 0 (it kinda won last week, but I’m not counting that as a win, because honestly that was more scouting report than battle.)

Rough week for 2017, but hey: Drake made a new thing! If nothing else, at least this week wasn’t that.

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