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justanotherwriter-fangirl · 4 years

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I Can't Lose Her! (C. R.)

Words: 4,653 words

Warnings: Nope

Request: Can you do a Connor Rhodes x reader where the reader is on squad and no one knows they're dating cause they wanted to keep it on the down low and she comes into the ED hurt and Connor looses it?

A/N: Hi!!! I’m sorry it took me so long but it’s finally here! I gotta say, when this request appeared I was so excited and now I can say that I’m so happy with the final result, almost 12 pages!! Can you imagine? I have never wrote something so long but the ideas kept flowing and at the end I finished with this monster made out of more than 4K words 🤯🤩 Hope you like it as much as I do!!!

Gif obtained from Google. All credits to its owner.

Thanks for reading

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You woke up to the feeling of light traces on your back and a ray of light peeking through your curtains.

“How long you been awake?” you mumbled still with your eyes closed, savoring every second of this stolen moment.

“Maybe around twenty minutes, we should have closed your curtains a little better last night” he said in a low and husky voice, internally making you melt.

You loved moments like this, you and Connor, alone and tangled up in your bed just savoring each other’s company.

When you started dating, around six months ago, you decided it was best to keep it low key, a secret until you felt ready and stable enough to let the world know about the two of you, but, with the pass of time, you both found yourself very fond of keeping it all in private. You didn’t have to worry about noisy people or gossips everywhere you’d go.

Dating someone as important as Connor always brought along several consequences like living up to the Rhodes last name, being approved by his high – class father and being the object of jealousy of a bunch of other doctors and nurses who were constantly harboring a crush on the hottest cardiothoracic surgeon of the very prestigious Gaffney Chicago Medical Center and even when you were ready to deal with them all, truth to be told, along with avoiding all kind of uncomfortable situations, you wanted to keep as many memories and moments with him just for you.

Maybe it sounded a bit selfish but you already had to share him with the rest of the world when he was saving lives at the hospital so was it really too much to ask to just have a few moments with him now and then that only belonged to you two? You didn’t think so, especially not when you were finally getting ready to tell him you loved him.

You weren’t sure if 6 months were too soon or kinda late but neither of you had said it before because you both wanted to make sure it was truly how you felt when the time was right.

Just as you were about to ask him for 5 more minutes in such a blissful state, both your alarms started beeping, effectively breaking the quietness of the room and making you both groan, you weren’t ready.

“Time to go back to reality” he said stretching a little bit to get up.

“Do we really need to?” you pouted “I love having you here, just the two of us cuddling and watching a movie or cooking dinner or just talking”

“I love it too but we wouldn’t be able to afford half of that if we just stayed here” he said laughing a little bit and leaving a small kiss on your forehead before standing up. “Also, I know how much you love your job, being the only woman on squad 3”

“I hate it when you are right” you said now with a big smile, he was right, you were so proud of your job and how much you had accomplished, you were the only female on Rescue Squad 3 and one of the youngest to make it to the team, Kelly did it when he was 23, you were just a little bit behind with 25, it was really impressive.

30 minutes later you were both at your kitchen having some scrambled eggs, toasts and orange juice for breakfast, something “quick and light before going to save some lifes” as Connor liked to put it.

“So, will I see you tomorrow after your shift?” you asked

“Sorry, I can’t, my father wants to go have dinner, I don’t know what he wants but he says it’s important and I been trying to avoid it for a week now, I’ll just go so he stops calling me when I’m at the hospital”

“It’s okay, I’ll still have you all for myself this weekend” you said flashing him a big smile, you had waited for this weekend for almost a month when you made a reservation for a nice B&B outside Chicago just to celebrate your 7th month together far away from the chaotic life you both had.

“Just you and I” he finished before leaning to kiss you, sweet and slow but full of passion, it was amazing and it made you feel better about your decision, this weekend you were going to tell him you loved him.

You separated after a couple moments to take a breath before leaning your forehead against his, looking right into his eyes, taking in the silence of the morning and the man in front of you, your heart swelling with nothing but pure love and raw happiness, you never had felt like this before.

“Now I think I’m ready to go” you said smiling at him and pulling apart to take the dirty dishes to the sink.

“Well, that’s not fair because I’m the one who’s not ready now” he mentions while he stands up to go to you and hug you from behind, his arms sneaking around your waist.

“That’s a shame sir, because if we don’t go now we both will be late” you said playfully as you turned around in his arms to wrap yours around his neck. “So go grab your coat and let’s head out” you firmly stated leaving a peck on his jawline.

“Yes ma’am” he added before laughing a little and head to your door, you close behind him.

All the way to the parking lot of your building you joked around and enjoyed your last minutes together, his hand never leaving yours until you are in front of your car.

Before you could reach for the door, he grabbed your arm and turned you around to leave one final kiss in you lips, one hand on your waist, the other going directly to you cheek to deepen the kiss.

And just as sudden and fast it all happened, it ended leaving you breathless and a complete mess in front of him. He knew the effect he had on you and he loved to take advantage of that, so without any other word he opened your car door for you, gave you a final cocky smile and left to his car.

Frustrated you got into your car and closed your door, maybe a little bit harder than you should but making sure Connor heard before leaving the parking lot.

15 minutes later you were outside the firehouse getting ready to walk in to start your shift.

“Hey (Y/L/N), ready for another day on the job?” Kelly said from out your window.

“Hell, yeah!” You said as you stepped out your car and you locked it before heading inside with Kelly by your side telling you all about his latest date, him being one of your best friends.

The morning went by slowly, only a call around noon about a multiple car accident that needed the whole team to get the victims out of the wrecked cars but that had been all the action you have had all day, it wasn’t common to have days that quiet and it had everyone nervous about it, it was a bad sign.

You had spent most of the day playing around with the guys, chatting with the girls and beating the squad’s ass playing Monopoly, you had a bad feeling about this day in the pit of your stomach but you pushed it away and tried to enjoyed the free time with your friends.

The day was almost over, the night slowly coming down and you barely had started to relax when you heard the alarm went off letting you all know an apartment building had caught on fire and you were needed.

You all quickly suited up and drove to the fire as fast as you could, ready to face whatever was coming your way.

5 minutes later when you arrived, you knew you had been right all day long, this was bad. There was actually two buildings, 10 stories each and both on fire and for what you could see there was many people still inside.

Immediately Kelly and Matt started shouting orders and organizing everyone to go inside on a primary search, still unaware of how many people was actually inside and under what conditions, the fire growing with every second.

As soon as the squad got into the first building, Capp and Tony stayed on the first floor and you followed Severide to the second floor.

“Fire Department! Call out!” you yelled going into the first apartment, quickly making your way through all the rooms, all empty.

You went outside and met with Kelly on the hallway, him going into the third apartment and you entering the fourth were you were received with some coughing coming from the back.

“Fire Department! Call out!” you yelled again trying to figure out the origin of the sounds while making your way to the back.

“Help! I’m in the bathroom”

Running to the bathroom in the master bedroom you noticed that the ceiling was collapsing and the debris was blocking the door so you started to remove some of the bigger pieces and throwing them to the other side of the room, just enough to make room to open the door.

“Come with me” you yelled to the woman once you managed to open the door “keep your head down and do not take the wet cloth from your face, well done”

Once on the hallway you noticed Kelly guiding a family towards the stairs to exit the place when Capp called him, he needed some help on the third floor since Tony had taken a couple outside.

“Go, I got them” you yelled taking the hand of one of the members to guide them through the smoke.

Once you were all out you took a moment to change your oxygen tank while everyone was being treated by the multiple ambos waiting for the victims, all of a sudden you felt a tug on your arm and you turned around to see a crying woman in front of you, a teenager close behind her.

“Please, you gotta help, my baby is inside, I live in the 9B”

“Ma’am, you need to calm down, we are going to get him but you need to stay here”

“Please, help me!” she yelled.

“Brett!” you called Silvie “please, help me. Take care of her while I go inside for her baby”

Once the woman let you go and you made sure Silvie got her you ran inside straight to the third floor.

“Kelly, there’s a baby on the 9B, I’m going up”

“Wait for me! I’m coming with you” he said taking his hooligan with him “Capp, Tony, I’m going with (Y/L/N) to the ninth floor, we’ll make the search from top to bottom and we’ll meet at the middle”

“Okay, Lieutenant” they both replied before going into another apartment.

7 floors above you and Kelly splitted to each cover two apartments on the tenth floor, all being empty so you both descended to the ninth were you knew at least someone was in.

As Kelly took care of the 9A you knocked down the door to the 9B and went inside directly to the back were you could hear the baby crying. It was a relief knowing the baby was still alive.

You could see the fire was getting worse and you all really needed to hurry to take everyone out so the bomb could take charge of the building, there was just to many to do and just for a moment you let yourself get worry, maybe you weren’t enough.

You almost got lost in your train of thought when you suddenly heard Kelly calling for you.

“Back here, the baby seems okay but we need to take him out immediately”

“Go, I’ll finish the floor”

“No, you are faster, take the baby out and I’ll finish here, I’ll see you on the 8th” you said taking the baby and handing him to Kelly, his arms instantly taking the baby and putting him close to his body. You could see the hesitation on his face but you had no time for that “Go!! Now!! Take him out, I’ll be fine”

He knew he couldn’t argue with you so he handed you his hooligan and ran outside as fast as he could to leave the baby and get back to you, the same bad feeling everyone had the entire day settling on his stomach again.

Once you made sure the whole floor was empty you went down to the 8th, trying to move as fast as you could but making sure no one was left behind.

The flames were growing and you feared Boden was going to call you all out, that was one of the worst possible scenarios you could picture because it left you without any chance to save everyone.

Luckily, the 8th floor was empty, most of the doors already opened from when all the residents left and you could quickly moved to the 7th, only two more to go to be able to leave the building.

You met Kelly on the stairs, letting him know it was all clear from 10th to 8th so he could report back to Boden.

Once again you both separated, both knowing the routine you had to follow.

You were inside the 7B when you heard a loud noise above you, barely having enough time to look up before the ceiling collapsed over you, knocking you down and letting you unconscious.

Kelly had just left 7A when he heard the loud thump of the ceiling falling down, stopping in his tracks trying to figure out where the noise was coming from when he heard something ten times worse, your pass alarm signaling you hadn’t move in the last 20 seconds.

Running to the sound of the alarm beeping, he found you under a big pile of wrecked ceiling.

“Capp, Tony!” He yelled through his radio “I need backup on 7th, (Y/L/N) is down”

From where he was he could see it was bad, your leg trapped and your whole torso covered by a lot of wreckage. Starting to work to get you out as fast as possible he started to took the ceiling that was at the top to eventually get to you, two pairs of hands suddenly helping him.

They all moved around you, taking everything out as fast as they could in the limited time they had, a minute later only your leg left to be freed.

“Alright, lift that final piece over her leg so I can slide her out” Kelly instructed to the guys positioning himself above your head and grabbing your arms to pull you out.

It was heavy and Capp and Tony had to pushed a little harder to lift it enough for your leg to pass but a few seconds later it was over, each of them grabbing one of your legs to help Severide take you down were Silvie and Gabby were waiting for you to arrive.

Everyone was already outside, the truck had finished with the other building and the last two floors you had missed and the bomb was taking charge of the fire, all in silence wanting to know more about you but unable to enter to your rescue in case the weight was to much for the structure on fire.

It was a general relief when the squad came out through the door with you in their arms, setting you on the gurney and giving the girls space to work, they going in professionally to make sure you were properly treated, opening your suit and checking your vital signs.

They put a collar around your neck and immobilized your leg to transport you to the Med, getting help from Kelly to put you in the ambulance and hopping in to go with you, never leaving your hand.

After losing Shay, he swore he would do everything in his power to never lose anyone again, specially you, you had came when he most needed it and offered him a sincere friend, someone who never judged him and was with him through thick and thin.

“She’s going to be okay, Severide, we got her just in time” Gabby tried to assure him, knowing what was going through his mind.

She was about to say something else when your heart rate started to go wild on the monitor, catching her by surprise and making her jump to her feet immediately.

“Start CPR now!” She yelled to Kelly “I need to intube her, Brett hurry!” she said while taking the equipment she needed to make the procedure, completely focused on her task to put the ambu bag as fast as she could.

“I got in! How much longer, Brett?!” she asked worried.

“We’re two minutes away, they are waiting for us”

Once you arrived it was crazy, Gabby letting the doctors know of your situation, starting with possible ribs and right leg fractured as well as a dislocated shoulder, while April and Ethan started to wheel you into Trauma 1 on the ED, leaving Gabby, Silvie and Kelly outside.

Connor was just leaving the OR ready to take on another patient when he saw you, all bloody and unconscious being moved to a trauma room, his worst nightmare becoming a reality just in front of him.

“What happened?” he yelled going behind you ready to take action.

“The ceiling collapsed, Dawson and Brett just got her in” Ethan informed unaware of the real state Connor was in, trying to hide his emotions as best as he could. “We need some x - rays and maybe a CT scan to make sure there is no internal bleeding” he was going over the routinary examination when a single sound send shivers down Connor’s spine, a flat line on the monitor.

“She’s crashing, charge the defibrillator to 150 and send one epi in” he said as the nurses laid her completely down and started with chest compressions again.

“Charged to 150” April handed Ethan the defibrillator and applied some gel to it before he used it.

“Clear” he said before shocking you once and waiting for a second “No change, charge to 200”

Connor was watching the whole scene going unfold right before his eyes, the rage going through his veins faster than the team who was trying to bring you back to life. He turned for a moment to take a breath when he saw Kelly standing at the doors of the ED.

He wasn’t sure what controlled him but he went straight to Kelly and pushed him to the wall grabbing him by his collar, face to face and ready to fight him.

“You were supposed to take care of her! Where the hell were you when this happened?”

“What the hell?! Back off!” Kelly said pushing him back, as angry as him because he had no idea what he was going through “What the hell do you care?!”

By now, everyone’s eyes were on them, their voices the only sound of the room.

“What do I care?! She is my girlfriend, you idiot, and she trusted you with her life!” Connor replied, not caring anymore of your secret. Everyone stayed silent for a minute, the revelation causing a big shock among the presents, that’s when Connor realized something and all the anger faded away, leaving him all weak and desperate. “She is my girlfriend and I love her” he finally whispered “I can’t lose her… I can’t lose her, damn it!” his mood swings were insane, he didn’t really know how he felt, it was all mixed up, he was angry, sad, desperate, hopeless, stressed, it was all too much.

Just when Kelly was about to say something, the gurney from Trauma 1 was being wheeled out, a bunch of nurses, medical equipment and Dr. Choi behind it going straight to the OR yelling instructions to the whole team.

“What happened?” Connor ran behind them “What’s going on?”

“We need to take her to the OR, we got her back but she has some internal bleeding going on. We’ll take charge of the rest after we control it” Ethan said before the elevators doors closed.

He felt lost, he couldn’t do anything and it was killing him, stumbling he entered the break room and broke down on the couch, his hands to his face hiding the tears that wanted to spill from his eyes.

“She is going to be okay, she’s a fighter after all” Will said sitting next to him and patting his back.

“She better be because I don’t know who I am anymore without her” he said in a low voice, afraid it would break if he spoke louder.

“Why you never told us anything?”

“At first was we wanted to make sure it was the real thing, you know? But then she just loved the privacy of it all, having little dates on new places where it was only her and I and no one knew about us, the Med’s surgeon and the newest squad member, you know? She just wanted to keep it all away from our crazy lives and dangerous jobs” he finished letting out a sigh.

“It really sounds like her” Will added laughing a little “I don’t know her that well but we have talk a few times at Molly’s, she is so sweet and funny and so open all the time but it’s annoying because at the end of the night you still don’t know much about her. You’ll only know what she wants you to know” he said remembering the few nights you had spent with the whole ED team, having a beer and getting to know everyone.

Now it all made sense, you were getting to know the people who Connor worked with.

The sound of Connor’s laugh broke the silence for a moment, taking Will by surprise, it was just odd considering the state of the man just a few seconds ago.

“Yes, she is like that. You don’t know how much effort it took me to get her to say yes to a date, it was all worth it though” he laugh again, Will joining him this time “Will, she’s the most amazing woman ever and we’ve been together for the last 6 months and I’ve been the happiest man ever since we made it official. This weekend we were going somewhere special, you know? She had it all planned so we could go away for a couple days and just be away from the chaos of the city, she was so excited and now we won’t be able to go”

“Don’t worry, you’ll go, maybe not this weekend but I bet that in a month she will be good to go”

“You can’t promise me that”

“I can, I’m sure of it because right now she have the best team of doctors taking care of her, and she doesn’t let anything stop her from what she wants, isn’t it right? That’s how she got into squad 3 in the first place and how she managed to keep your relationship a secret for over 6 months. She is unstoppable, Connor, I know she will be fine”

"Thanks, man. It's really nice to hear it" he finally said after a moment, taking Will's words in.

"I have to go but I'll come back later to check on you"

Will left and there was nothing more to do than wait, it was awful. Standing up again and breathing a few more times he exited the room and went to the wait room, there was one more thing to do.

"Hey, man, I'm sorry" he said standing in front of Kelly "I just… I lose it when I saw her lying there. I know it wasn't your fault"

"I didn't know you were dating, she never said anything"

"I know" Connor said taking a seat next to him "She wanted to keep it all a secret. Could you… could you tell me what happened?"

"We were on a big fire, two building, 10 stories each. A woman told (Y/N) her baby was in the ninth floor so we went up to get him, I asked her to take him out but she send me instead, said I was faster and I didn’t want to argue with her so I went. We met back at the 7th doing our primary search and we splitted to cover each 2 apartments, the fire was getting worse and when I was about to catch up to her I heard the sound of the ceiling collapsing, it fell on top of her so the rest of the squad and I rushed to take her out. She was just on the wrong place at the wrong time”

“Thanks, for taking care of her and bring her as fast as you could”

Hours passed and you were still in the OR, the tension on the air was palpable and everyone was on edge, the whole firehouse already there waiting to hear news about your state.

Mrs. Goodwin quickly heard about the delicate situation so left Connor without duties for the rest of the day, he wasn’t in the right state to keep attending patients so he was as nervous as the rest, so when Ethan walked through the door of the wait room it was like a blessing. Everyone immediately stood up to approach him, Connor and Kelly right at the front more eager than anyone.

“She is still sedated” he said knowing they were her family “we put her shoulder back in place and she’ll have a cast for the next 6 weeks on her right leg, we were able to fix all damage and stop the internal bleeding but she’s still dealing with a couple broken ribs which will make a it a little harder to breath but she’s fine. We’ll have her under medical observation for the next couple 48 hours but you can go see her now”

“Go” Kelly told Connor “We’ll go after you” he added with everyone behind him nodding their heads.

“Thanks”

Once in your room it was a hard vision to watch, tubes and machine all connected to you but it all went away when he saw your eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, babe, I’m here, you are okay” he said grabbing your hand.

“Connor? What’s going on?”

“You had an accident but you are all fine now, the guys took good care of you. (Y/N), I… I’m just glad you are okay, for a moment I thought I would lose you and I wouldn't be able to tell you how much I love you” he whispered looking you in the eyes, tears once again forming in his eyes but this time it was all relief.

“Connor, babe, you are not going to lose me, not ever” you reassured him giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Not when I love you so much too” you added blushing a little and a smile coming to your face “I wanted to tell you this for a while now and I was waiting till our trip to make the perfect moment, guess that’s out of question now”

“We just made our perfect moment, you and I and all the beeping of the hospital machines” he said making you laugh but quickly regretting it, your ribs making it difficult.

“That’s so not fair, it hurts” you said giving him a light punch to his arm.

“I love you though” he winked at you and send that cocky smile from earlier this morning, the memory feeling so far from where you were now.

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wtfy-cyzj · 6 years

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*SPOILERS* CYZJ Subbed Ep. 9 reaction

Episode 9 is finally out with subs, so you know what that means: another play-by-play reaction text post! And it’s another 2-hour episode, so we’re back to the super long format.

As with previous installments, each major section of the show has a header so you can scroll if you’re looking for something specific. And, of course, spoilers and foul language kinda come with the territory.

Mission reveal and song assignments

Another two performance mission assignment – picking the third finalist pair and then establishing a ranking for the finalists – because they just gotta be ranked going into the finals *rolls eyes* - I could rant about how much I wish the producers would stop pushing the competitive aspect of the show while talking about it being about “breakthroughs”

Hao’s little goddamnit-esque laugh when the 1v1 mission is announced :/

Anybody else get the feeling Victor’s the reason Eric & JC are worried about the other team picking their song? Like Hao might give them something out of left field because he wants them to show a new side or because he thinks it suits them, but not to torpedo them – Victor, however, seems a bit of a wild card

…! I seriously thought Eric had the card down the front of his pants for a moment there!

Aw, Hao’s smile is so sweet – I already knew Eric/JC got to do one of Eric’s songs – that little “you’re welcome” bow & Victor being totally checked out makes me think that was all Hao’s doing

So, yes & no – I expected Victor to at least playfully push to mess w/ the other team – he seems kinda disengaged though

Wait, is that Hao’s handwriting?! I was admiring it when Eric first revealed the card – I know people who only know English who don’t write that nicely – kid’s definitely an artist

“How can I not be satisfied with my own song?” XD

Aw, that was really sweet of Victor to say he hopes they don’t mess w/ the song too much

I love that when Victor asks “by who” Eric & Xiao Wu both go “Drake” w/ a very soft “duh, who the fuck else” feel – and then Hao gets stoked when they start singing it

Yes! I’m so glad Jiacheng said that about Hao & Victor’s performances not being them together! I thought it about the last 2 performances, but since I didn’t really see anyone else talk about it, I wondered if it was just me. Plus there’s the whole cultural disconnect & not being part of the target demographic that added to it. It’s good to see someone who’s in the thick of it with them recognize that same thing

I want to talk about the warm fuzzy feelings I get from Eric & Jiacheng being so thoughtful about their choice and how this reinforces my desire for the show to stop leaning into the competition narrative, but Eric mimicking both Hao & Victor is too cute

I love that Jiacheng doesn’t know how to process Eric’s goofiness for a second – same Xiao Wu, same

Aw, the doodles!

Hao’s “don’t say anything” is great! – take a stand & make Victor dance!

“Okay fine, alright, I’ll dance. I’ll dance” – damn straight!

Second mission reveal

“Sprint Out” Attack? And that means…?

Meh… Another drawn out process to pick a collaborator? - it was cute w/ the ladies but since I haven’t seen anyone talking about the guests and the tease at the beginning of the episode was blah, I’m not really looking forward to it

Trying to ignore the elevator talk and not roll my eyes too hard

Meeting the musicians

Oh dear god, Yanan is so fucking cute watching Liron Man play! – tell me someone’s giffed that doofy expression and weird little wiggle! *heart eyes*

Ooh, Liron Man’s got a great smile – has nothing to do w/ anything but I couldn’t leave it unremarked upon

“The sound produced is very cute […] like a tortoise who lost its soul” – say what now, Yanan?! – that does not seem like a “cute” sound, sir!

Once again, being thoughtful and aware of the other contestants – brownie points to Jun

I’m so glad dude knows some Chinese! We don’t need another person stranded behind the language barrier even if it’s just one episode

Apparently, I love the pipa and didn’t even know what it was – now that I have a name, research will be done!

“My mother’s profession is also in the pipa” – poor girl stepped in it! XD

Here I was thinking they reacted much better than with the previous lady guests, but no, still shy as fuck

I realize that as an apparently internationally-recognized musician, Wangtao probably plays the clarinet in ways that I never could imagine – unfortunately I took band from 7th through 9th grades, including marching band, so I cringed when I saw what he plays – and I immediately had to go look up this Eddie Izzard bit because my brain wouldn’t stop going “clahr-en-ahrt” and “WEzul WEzul” until I did

Watching Jun & Yanan discuss their options is a really interesting look into their personalities – “are we choosing calm or movement?”

“You decide” – brave words, Jun – I wonder where this fell on the timeline of Yanan deciding to leave the show

It’s not going to be a famous Western artist, Samuel – it’s never going to be a famous Western artist – sorry to burst your bubble, kiddo

Bahahaha! For all Zhennan’s “leave us a good one” in the elevator, Jun & Yanan picked the most obvious choice for the kiddies – …yes, I know I’m an asshole for finding that so funny

…Does Zhennan’s shirt say “same shit different day”?!

They completely lost that whole “working w/ musicians will be hard” thing real quick

“I feel like I tortured little kids” XD

Someone’s setting himself up for a headache confusing jazz with jazzy, especially when picking a classically trained accompanist

It’s really cute seeing Eric & Xiao Wu being a little awkward with the pipa player after they seemed to calm with the previous female guests – they both barely look at her

I love arrogant!Eric, especially when he’s immediately replaced by embarrassed!Eric – I am, however, more than a little creeped out by the cartoon bull being blown around by, what, an umbilical cord?!

Aw, Jiacheng immediately defends his “arrogance” *heart eyes*

Wait, did Xiao Wu’s lyrics sound bad? Eric said it could “be a little better” so maybe the phrasing was awkward, but the translation of “lately, I’ve been scared of sleeping alone” grabbed my attention and made me wonder what prompted those words

They’re dorks and I love them

Poor Hao being left to talk to their musician alone

…! I totally blanked that this could be Minghao’s first chance to really do a traditional Chinese sound – aw, yay!

Hmm, Victor really agreed to do purely traditional? I guess “purely Chinese” doesn’t have to mean traditional instead of modern

And then we flash back and I stand corrected!

Performance day

Wait, they’re not gonna show how they chose the performance order between MH/Victor and Eric/JC?! I feel so cheated! thank god

Minghao & Victor are up first – 1v1

“I’m always ready!” *heart eyes*

Hao accidentally proposed confessing to the other contestants XD – just because you think something is meaningless doesn’t mean it really is!

What’s cuter: Hao’s reaction when he realized putting in the other contestants’ names wasn’t the best idea or Hao’s reaction to the thought of name-dropping exes?

I love MH’s logic! Victor’s trying to downplay any romantic intention behind calling out a female artist by saying it’s about respect & admiration, so Hao throws out Jony J & Gong Ge - if it’s about respect & admiration he’s not wrong, but Victor’s face says otherwise – I laughed so hard I had to stop the video and go calm down by doing a load of laundry

I’ve gotta say, as someone who liked both JJ & GG from the beginning & still really likes them and as someone who started watching specifically for Minghao, I love that he brought them up again and in such a positive light. Fans can – and do – hate on them, but he’s got every right to continue to look up to them. He’s the one who was directly affected by their actions, yet he continues to admire them and voice that admiration. I don’t get how people try to drag them on his behalf when he says things like this.

Aw, it breaks my heart a little that Victor thinks making the song about the show is “limiting” their creativity – Hao’s had a lot of fun and had made connections on the show that he obviously values – how is making an ode to that a limitation?

I love when Hao speaks in English – it always surprises me how rich & deep his voice is – like I usually chalk it up to being an artifact of the language, but it’s genuinely appealing – does that make sense? Just me?

Am I the only one who thinks changing the names to their own makes it about self-doubt, not narcissism?

Victor’s so American!

I feel like Victor having to dance is a little bit of karma for being a pain in the ass >:D

That little intro clip is adorable!

Aw, Victor did MH’s 8 hand sign!

Overall thoughts: I loved that! It wasn’t perfect, but I think, after Clap, it was Hao’s best performance by far. He definitely had fun and loosened up with Supernatural in ep.8, but this was a whole other level and I think a lot of it was from actually playing w/ Victor during the performance. I love that they switched it up and Victor had the vocal parts; he’s a talented singer so it was nice seeing him step out of the rapper role. And I was really impressed with Hao’s English. A lot of times, non-English-speakers do odd things with their emphasis on words, but he was pretty damn spot on. It makes me wonder just how fluent he actually is since we don’t see him speak it much beyond simple phrases. The one thing I wasn’t entirely feeling was Victor’s rap. It felt a little rushed? Cramped? It’s understandable since he’s working within a pre-existing song, but it did stick out to me. I don’t know why Victor was worried about dancing. That bit was less choreography and more conscious swagger, if that makes sense, and he pulled it off swimmingly. I wish they hadn’t cut to the audience during Hao’s dance break because it was my favorite one he’s done so far – less artistry and more simple fun. Can we take a moment to thank Eric & Jiacheng for making this gem happen?

“And we were constantly laughing at Victor’s attempt at dancing” – Eric! I’m glad he finally has someone else’s dancing to pick on but also smh

Eric & Jiacheng’s 1v1 prep and performance

Aw, Jiacheng gushing about the comradery on the show and wanting to help each other show their best sides XD

The idea of them singing acapella is actually really cool – if anyone on the show could pull it off really well, it’s these two

I love that Xiao Wu seems to throw out more English the longer he’s w/ Eric – he’s gaining experience and confidence in other areas – why not English, too?

Back to Eric’s crush on Dilireba XD

Aw, JC says they got close – of course they’re (probably) going to in a situation like this, but it’s cute that he’s talking about it – I know I’ve said it before, but I love that he’s so open with talking about stuff like that

Xiao Wu really looks like he’s about to cry reading those comments – and then Eric ruins the moment telling him not to cry

I already saw @bathtubofdonuts’s post talking about them incorporating the fan comments in the stage but seeing them get to that point is so sweet

Wait, so why is it important to tell us the screenwriter lady is in the audience? Was it the OST for her drama?

Aw, Hao’s so touched already

I was starting to worry the editing was going to lose the comments to those close-ups

It’s not weird to comment on how pretty Jiacheng’s hands are, right?

Wah! JC’s teary-eyed!! I was already tearing up – don’t make me cry!

Ah, okay, so she helped Eric write the song

Overall thoughts: I was sniffly & teary, but I managed not to cry. That was beautiful. This is why I was worried when they were talking about making a more impressive set design in ep. 8. They do simple so, so well, and they really don’t need a bunch of extras. Just having that one element of the comments playing behind them was so gorgeous and impactful. I’m really glad that they didn’t have accompanists on stage with them because they’d just be a visual distraction. I know I’ve talked about it in previous reactions, but the combination of their voices is incredible. I doubt Eric has ever sung a sour note in his life, and I wish Jiacheng knew how gorgeous his voice really is. His little power vocal moment toward the end? Ugh! So good! I’m gonna keep saying how happy I am that they got to work together because of this show.

“I feel that this bundle here is trembling” – I’m going to be so sad not to see this sweet kid after the show ends! TnT

1v1 performance results

Nooo! I know what’s about to happen – I’m not ready for the angst!

Poor Jun looking so nervous over there w/o Yanan

I hate this fucking setup so much. I’ve said that I think the way Jony J left the show was probably at least partially prompted by the production staff. Knowing that Jun was given options after Yanan left and that, for all his extraness, Jun is super shy, I have a hard time believing the production staff didn’t go, “So you don’t want to be in the running anymore and ~play by the rules~? Okay, so how about we make it look like there’s gonna be an elimination then you come out and dramatically withdraw? Wouldn’t that be awesome!” Jun’s never been my favorite because his playfulness can come of really childish to me, but I highly doubt he would put Minghao this scenario again for funsies.

Having seen translations of this weeks ago when the episode aired, I was not prepared to tear up. It hurts to see Hao so freaked out again and try to pull Jun back bodily. And seeing the distress on Jiacheng’s face as he says “no!” at him, my breath caught in my throat. Ugh! I’m seriously starting to cry watching JC panic more as Jun compliments them all. X(

Oh god that whole bit after the interview section was… weird. It’s pretty obvious the way Eric & Jiacheng are smiling in the background that things were cleared up. But that audience reaction… It’s so cold? This weird sort of idea that idols “betray” their fans is something I’ll never understand in kpop. (This is taking into account all the chaos that happened because of Jun’s decision, not just what made the edit.) Disappointment I get, but there’s no compassion for the grace he displayed in a shitty situation or relief that he’s going to continue performing. This whole situation was made so much worse being in front of a live audience.

The interviews after Jun’s reveal are so sweet, but why does it feel like a memorial? It’s just shy of saying “in loving memory of Wen Junhui”

Top 3 ranking performances

I love when the show has to blur someone’s phone because it’s not the sponsor phone – it’s usually Samuel, but this time Eric’s the culprit

And there’s the performance order ceremony

Minghao, Victor & Lian Pieru (pipa) are up first

Interesting thoughts about the Mechanical Era – it seems like Peiru’s a good match for Hao

So the interview thing is the only lead up we get? I don’t want to episode to be 3 hours, but they’ve got such an interesting story they want to tell and Peiru seems like such a character, I was really looking forward to the preparations – now I do actually feel a little cheated

Overall thoughts: I may have actually liked this performance better than In My Feelings. It wasn’t as entertaining, but it was a cool concept that was executed really well. I’ve gotta say before I go on though, I’ve seen people complain about the editing of other performances, but this is the first one that’s been distracting to me throughout. :/ If I didn’t know before going in that Victor was supposed to be the narrator, I don’t think I would’ve gotten that. The harsh stage whisper sort of effect in the beginning comes off kind of judgmental and, well, harsh where I was expecting more of an impartial observer style narrator. I wish his character had either done less interacting (to be an observer) or done more (to show his investment in the storyline and justify the judginess). It was a nice change of pace to see him being subdued while Hao was the higher energy partner. Hao’s rap in both performances this episode was great. They felt more natural and less stylized, which I really dig. He also showed his vocals more here than I think he really has in a while. At least it was more impactful than past performance. I would love to see a purely vocal song from him – no rap, light choreo – because he does really interesting things with his voice and we don’t get enough of it. [I just got a flash of him singing w/ Susu O.O] The choreo was impressive even if the edit made it hard to get the full effect. The end was great with the angry faces and the final little trill of the pipa.

It weirdly warms my heart to see them acknowledge they’ve been kind of at odds in their partnership up til now

Eric, Jiacheng & Lian Peiru (pipa) perform second

Uh, does Jiacheng’s overcoat have Donald Duck smack in the middle of a traditional tapestry?!

Not gonna gush about the VCR, but these two are so damn cute

We don’t even get an interview lead-in for them?! >.<

Ooh, pop-style pipa is really cool…

Somebody put Xiao Wu in a musical please - even my theatre-hating ass would pay to see that

Aw, Liron Man reacting to them uwu

Overall thoughts: I really enjoyed that. It was soft and sweet, and of course their voices are amazing. The set design was really pretty with all the florals. For some reason, thought, for most of the song Eric seemed strangely pulled back? Maybe it was because Xiao Wu was still on a high from the previous performance and the pipa is so distinct, but his parts just got overpowered to my ear. It was still beautiful.

Huh, Samuel really hasn’t gotten much screentime in this episode, even for reactions

Zhennan, Samuel & Wangtao (clarinet) are up third

Maybe it’s because he’s a good bit older, but I really appreciate the way Wangtao talks about Zhennan here – at least I assume he’s referring to Zhennan since Samuel seems pretty cool with being a kid – it doesn’t soften me to him, but it’s a needed reminder that his bravado may be more façade than arrogance – still find it annoying though *shrug*

Anyone else have to look up what an elaphure is? – it’s a Père David’s deer

Excuse me, mister clarinet man, don’t make me start thinking clarinets are sexy – I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I’m probably gonna look up your music but that’s just taking it too far!

Overall thoughts: For anyone who thinks I’m just going to shit all over this because it’s Zhennan and Samuel, you’re wrong. I actually kind of dug that. It’s not really my bag, but I don’t dislike it at all. First off, the stage design is impressive with that cube setup. It’s really interesting having Wangtao on top of it (but also, get off the tall thing!). I would love to see a fixed cam of the performance to get the full effect. I really liked Zhennan’s solo in ep. 2, so seeing him go back to that sleepy, almost lazy delivery style is really nice. I’ve complained about him leaning too hard into his imagery (or did I cut that bit because I was being an ass?), but it was used beautifully here. Samuel really impressed me. His rap style still sounds a little like he’s trying to be someone else, but it didn’t sound awkward this time. It’ll be really interesting to see where his style goes as he comes into his own. And these are his best lyrics yet. Yes, I snorted at the LeBron reference in the otherwise whimsical song, but I really liked the honestly and depth. The dance break was beautiful and a nice escape from the more stock mainstream choreo Samuel’s been showing us. He does hip hop well, but I’m glad he gave us something more contemporary here and showed off his range. If I have a complaint it’s that Samuel’s voice gets lost in the “I don’t want” bits. I wish they’d at least brought him forward so you hear him more, or better yet, given him something a little more ornate to weave around Zhennan’s more drudging sound. His little vocalization before ZN’s final part was a pleasant surprise, and I would’ve liked more of that. They’ve made the best use of the accompanist so far, too. The whole thing was lovely and haunting and understated. Of all their stages, I think this performance has been the most effective in delivering the message they wanted to get across.

Jun & Liron Man (handpans) are up last

Why are the lead-ups getting shorter?! We’re going straight into the performance with no interview or VCR. I get that he’s not eligible for votes anymore, but I still want to see something, man

Total Pure Moods vibes here – fun fact: I wanted that CD so badly that both of my (divorced) parents got it for me for Christmas that year – I was a weird kid

Aw, is he singing along with Jun?! So cute! *heart eyes*

…off the tall thing, please…

Overall thoughts: If you’d told me before this that I would eagerly watch a Jun solo three times in a row, I would’ve laughed in your face. His style just isn’t for me usually. And yet, I watched this three times in a row (I zoned out and just listened to first time, watched the second, and read the lyrics the third). Thank you, Yanan, for picking the handpan. I never would’ve thought the distorted ring of a handpan would complement Jun’s very unique vocal quality as well as it does. This is the most at ease we’ve seen Jun on the show, and I don’t mean relaxed or confident. It didn’t seem at all like he was performing or was “on” but like he was singing for the sheer personal pleasure of it. After his stress in previous episodes, it was so good to see. As for the song itself, I have no fucking clue how to describe it. It reminded me of the weirdest things without really sounding like any of them. I mentioned Pure Moods, but also The Little Mermaid and “What Is Love” – as in the song from A Night at the Roxbury (listen to it, young’uns, and be confused). There were others, but I’ve blanked because that last one was a little too wtf.

“He was definitely enjoying it, really” – you know it’s true when the guest is saying it

Wait, no contestant reactions even?! Why are we getting robbed of the good stuff in this episode, goddamnit!?

Points reveal for the finals

This is for the ranking going into the finale – plus starting points which seems weirdly unnecessary?

Hao & Victor got 66 votes – why so low?

Xiao Wu & Eric got 73 – better but still really low considering the stages & past scores

Zhennan & Samuel got 72 – why so low?!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad my boys are leading, but they all gave incredibly good, polished stages and those scores really don’t seem to reflect that. I mean, they’ve given out 80s before – are the panelists given criteria or is it purely a matter of preference? – the contestants all look a little disappointed with the scores, too

After show nonsense

“passionate teens Zhou Zhennan and Samuel, gentle warriors Wu Jiacheng and Zhou Xingzhe, mood players Xu Minghao and Ma Boqian” – I don’t know why those labels amuse me so much but they do

I’m glad we get to see Samuel & ZN react to the handpans because they were so cute with the other instruments

Damn, Samuel really is a quick learner

Did he mean to play Eric’s song? He’s definitely got a bit of an artist crush on Eric, but that’s adorable if he was trying to play it. And impressive that he did it well enough on something he just learned how to get a sound from that the others recognized it!

My personal rankings

MH & Victor

Jun

Eric & Xiao Wu

Zhennan & Samuel

Usually picking my rankings is super easy. My favorite and least favorite have been leagues away from the others, but I really liked everybody this week :D

And now, another long wait until the subs come out for the finale...

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