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justlightlysedated · 5 years

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now these songs will hold and hide your name (part two of three)

part one

dedicated to @michaels-blackhat 😊💖🖤

February 23rd, 2024

Alex pulls his jeep up behind Michael’s truck parked right next to the Welcome to Roswell sign.

He sighs in relief when he sees Michael sitting down on the tailgate, Cosima asleep in his arms.

At least they’re safe.

He gets out of his car and and makes his way carefully over to them. Michael doesn’t look at him, if anything his arms go tighter around Cosima’s body and he shuts his eyes tight.

The dread that had been eating at him since Michael had called him and told him to meet him by the town limits comes back tenfold.

He inhales shakily and carefully sits down besides Michael.

“Guerin,” he says, unable to keep the shaking out of his voice.

Michael inhales deeply and his eyes flutter open before he turns to look at Alex.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and Michael just closes his eyes again, shaking his head.

“We made contact last night,” he admits and Alex suddenly feels a chill going down the back of his neck. “They’ll be here by tonight.”

Alex swallows hard and looks away, looking back over the horizon where the sun is just beginning to light up the sky.

“I need you to do something for me,” Michael says after a few silent minutes where the only sound was the wind blowing against the short dry grass and Cosima’s deep even breaths.

Alex exhales slowly and turns back to Michael. Michael is looking at him with wide pleading eyes like Alex wouldn’t do anything for him.

“Anything,” Alex blurts out a little helplessly.

Ever since he first saw Michael holding a newborn in his arms, close to his chest, an expression so tender and beautiful, one that Alex had never seen on Michael’s face, he’d realized that he would never be able to deny him anything again.

Michael exhales carefully, a relieved tinge in his eyes, but Alex could still see the misery swirling in them.

“I need you to take Cosima, and get as far away from Roswell as possible.“

Alex stares at him in shock, eyes wide, lips parted, and he tries to figure out something to say, but Michael just keeps talking.

"And I need you to stay away until I call you and tell you that it’s safe to come back.”

Alex blinks his eyes a few times and looks away, staring at the Roswell sign, before he looks back to Michael.

“Why?” He asks, staring at Michael intently.

Michael gives him a slightly exasperated look, “We don’t actually know what they want. All we know is that they might be more like the others than like us. And I’m not going to take that chance, not with her.”

Alex shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant, why me? Why not Liz or even Maria?”

Michael licks his lips swallowing hard, and moves his arms to a more comfortable position.

“Liz won’t leave Max’s side, and Maria has her hands full with her mom. And besides,” Michael continues, looking away. “You’re the only one that I trust to actually do this. You’ll take good care of her. You already do. And she’ll be really excited to be on an adventure with her Lex.”

Alex takes a deep breath and looks at Michael, at the way he’s holding on like he’s never going to get to hold her again, and Alex feels his chest ache as his heart cracks right in two.

He wants to tell Michael to come with them, but he won’t because he already knows what his answer is going to be. He knows that Michael won’t leave Isobel and Max to face this alone.

“Okay, Michael,” he says, and sees the way Michael loses all of the tension in his shoulders, almost swaying in relief, like he wasn’t expecting Alex to actually agree.

“Okay,” Alex says again, and Michael swallows hard, looking at Cosima in his arms, and he tightens his hold on her, and Alex feels tears pricking at the back of his eyes.

“Her stuff is in the front seat,” Michael says, in a voice that’s almost too low.

Alex nods his head once and takes the out, turning away from Michael and feeling the tears fall down his cheeks as he closes his eyes briefly.

“Alex,” Michael says, and Alex stops moving but doesn’t turn to him.

“Promise me that you won’t let her forget about me.”

Alex closes his eyes and feels more tears falling down his face, and he bites down hard on his lip so that he doesn’t actually start sobbing.

He breathes in deeply, trying to get himself under control and he nods his head.

“I promise,” he swears, and then moves fast to the front seat of the truck.

Alex grabs the bags that Michael had in the front seat, and opens the glove compartment before he can second guess himself and pulls out the picture that Michael has stashed in there. The one where they’re both playing the guitar, but instead of looking down at what he’s doing, Michael is staring at him like he’s the only thing that exists.

He slides it into his pocket and grabs Cosima’s bags and heads to his jeep.

He sets her stuff down besides the duffel bag that he always keeps back there in case of emergencies.

He can always buy more clothes if he needs to.

He closes the trunk and when he turns towards the truck, it’s to see that Michael has moved to settle Cosima down in the car seat that Alex keeps in his jeep.

Alex watches him with tears in his eyes as he pushes her curls back away from her forehead and presses a kiss to her temple, pulling away, and actually sobbing when her little fingers snag against the fabric of his shirt.

Michael pulls the plaid shirt off, and wraps her up in it, staying in his thin white shirt despite how cold the early morning air feels.

He places his hand on top of her head, and then turns around and almost bumps straight into Alex who hadn’t noticed that he’d been moving closer.

He catches Michael, who wraps his arms around Alex’s shoulders and buries his face in the side of Alex’s neck.

Alex wraps his arms around him and holds him tight, blinking his eyes rapidly so that he doesn’t actually start crying in earnest.

“Alex, Alex, Alex,” Michael says over and over and over, before he moves his face from Alex’s neck to look at him on the eyes.

“Promise me,” he says, staring at him with wide desperate eyes. “Please.”

“I swear,” Alex says, sliding his hands up and around Michael’s shoulders. “I promise, I promise I’ll take care of her as if she were my own, and I promise that she will never forget you, and I promise that once it’s safe I’ll bring her back to you.”

Michael nods his head fast and then drops his forehead to Alex’s, eyes falling shut as he exhales in relief.

Alex wraps his arms around Michael’s shoulders and closes his eyes too, hoping this separation is extremely temporary.

July 11th, 2020

“Start from the beginning,” Alex says as carefully as he can, his gaze on Cosima and no one else.

He hasn’t looked away from her since she had taken his hand and lead him to sit down on the table where she’d been sitting before. She had sat down and finally drank the glass of water Maria had given her earlier.

Michael has been willing Alex to look at him, to see if he could tell what exactly he was thinking about when he’d seen this girl who looked like him, like Maria and then she’d called him dad.

But Alex just has eyes for Cosima, who is looking at him with enough fond exasperation and relief for Michael to tell that something had happened to Alex in the future, something bad.

She looks at Alex and then over his shoulder to where Liz is leaning back against the table right next to theirs, with her arms crossed like she’s jealous that Cosima is much warmer with Alex than she’s been with everyone else. Max is sitting down on the table next to Kyle who is hissing to Isobel on his phone that, no he’s not going to take a picture. Maria is still sitting on the furthest table away from Cosima, right next to Michael in a silent show of solidarity that Michael appreciates.

He feels confused and overwhelmed, and he wants answers, but at the same time, he’s seen the way that she looks at him, like the ghost of someone she lost long ago, and he thinks that maybe he’ll be getting an answer he really doesn’t want to hear.

Cosima inhales deeply, and looks around the room before she looks back at Alex, and it’s such a familiar Alex move that Michael feels his heart clench in his chest.

“I don’t remember much about what happened before we, I mean, Dad and I left Roswell. The clearest memories I have from that time are of flying, and feeling perfectly safe, and Dad always used to say that that sounds like something that Papa would do.”

Her eyes dart over to Michael and away, and Michael once again goes still feeling like someone just suckerpunched him in the stomach.

“Everything after Roswell is just a blur of driving and motel rooms and never staying too long in one place. The clearest memory I have from then is when Aunt Liz found us.”

“I was five, I think and Dad had decided that we were going to have to stay in one place so that I could start going to school. I remember that she had asked to speak to Dad in private and they had gone to the kitchen, and I couldn’t hear what she said, but Dad’s eyes had gone sad, like they only did when he was looking at that picture of Papa that he kept in his wallet during the night when he thought that I was asleep. But instead of crying, he had opened his arms, and Aunt Liz had collapsed into him, crying, loud enough that I could hear in the living room. I remember Aunt Jenna more, but that’s probably because she showed me all the knife tricks she could do to keep me distracted.”

“Aunt Jenna?” Isobel says incredulously from where Kyle has her on speaker, as though that’s the most ridiculous thing about that sentence.

“Knife tricks?” Both Michael and Alex say at the same time.

“Yeah,” she says slowly, narrowing her eyes at them both before she looks over to Liz. “Aunt Jenna was with Aunt Liz and they got married when I was ten. I was the flower girl.”

Michael flinches as Max scrapes his chair back as he gets up and leaves and Liz follows after him.

He catches Max turning around to face Liz but before they say anything the door is closing, with them outside.

“Who is that guy?” Cosima asks, and her tone sounds like it’s not the first time that she’s asked that question.

Michael turns towards her, and she’s watching Alex expectantly, but Michael can tell that he’s scrambling to come up with an answer.

“You don’t know who Max is?” Michael asks, sounding hoarse.

Cosima’s eyes snap to him and Michael goes completely still again, his heart racing in his chest. The last person who had looked at him with eyes that were just like his was his mom, and he was having a hard time trying to keep his cool.

He wanted to know everything, but at the same time, he really didn’t.

She licks her lips and furrows her brow as her gaze drops back to Alex.

Alex tilts his head to the side, and Cosima copies the movement almost in sync.

“The Alien Messiah?” Alex says slowly, and Cosima’s eyes light up.

“You mean those weren’t just stories? They’re actual real people?”

Alex exhales. “I mean, I have codenames for everyone in the files. But I’m not quite sure what stories you mean?”

Michael sees the door opening from the corner of his eye, and catches Liz eyes when she walks in, and she looks frustrated but just shakes her head when Michael raises an eyebrow at her.

She settles herself next to Kyle, as Cosima starts to speak.

She looks animated for the first time since Michael first saw her.

“The Glamorous Space Princess who throws the biggest and best balls and was brave and defeated the Evil Mastermind who tried to brainwash her! Or the one about the Amazing Psychic who can see everyone’s future but her own! Or how about the one about the Alien Messiah who died and was brought back to life by the Beautiful and Intrepid Alchemist! Or the one about the Handsome Doctor who can heal any cut with just one touch who mends the Glamorous Space Princess’ broken heart! Or how about my favorite, the one about the Sweet Alien Prince who fell into star-crossed love with the Evil General’s Son!”

Her enthusiasm flags as soon as she realizes that Alex doesn’t exactly know what she’s talking about, and she looks around at everyone else, and Michael can see the way that her expression shutters, like she just realized that she’s around a bunch of strangers.

“I told you these stories?” Alex asks, and she nods her head once, looking around the room before her gaze settles back on Alex.

Alex seems to realize at the same time that Michael does, that she’s on the defensive.

“What is it?” Alex asks, brow furrowing.

Cosima chews on her bottom lip, like she’s weighing the pros and cons before she speaks.

“Dad told me to find you, that I could trust you, but it’s so difficult to do that, when it kind of feels like I’m stuck in the twilight zone.”

“Why didn’t you guys go back to Roswell?” Max’s voice comes from the open door.

Cosima’s gaze snaps to him, but if anything she goes even more defensive.

She looks to Alex who gives her a look that says it’s up to her to answer.

Her eyes dart over to Michael and Maria and then back to Max.

“That night that Aunt Liz found us, Dad told me what happened. Up until that point I guess, he thought that Papa had made it.”

She pauses looking to Alex and her gaze softens marginally as though she recognizes the expression on his face.

She looks back over to Max. “You made contact with the Alighting and they deemed you corrupted by humanity and blew Roswell off the face of the earth.”

Michael had seen this coming, so he wasn’t entirely surprised. From the way Maria doesn’t react, he can tell that she had been thinking the same thing.

Michael looks to Liz who looks a little bit like she’s in shock and then his gaze goes to Alex and he freezes to see Alex staring right at him.

Alex looks away as soon as Michael turns to him, looking back at Cosima, who turns away from Max at the same time to look at him.

“That’s how Aunt Jenna says it anyway. The story Dad told me was about how my Papa was a hero, how he saved Aunt Liz instead of saving himself, because that was the kind of person that he was.”

Her eyes go glassy with unshed tears, and she doesn’t look away from Alex.

“I was five and he promised me that he would do everything in his power to make sure that I had the life that my Papa wanted me to have, and he gave me the best life anyone could ever ask for, and he loved me unconditionally. But there was always a small part of me that knew that he was trying to figure out a way to give me back my Papa, like he wasn’t enough.”

Alex looks away from her at that, and his gaze immediately finds Michael’s before he gets up from his seat, and moves away like he’s trying to control his reaction.

Cosima exhales carefully like she’d been expecting that reaction, and she also looks to Michael, a little defiantly, like she’s expecting him to say that Alex wasn’t enough.

“How did you get here?” Liz speaks up like she’s been wondering this whole time and this was the only time she managed to find to ask the question.

Cosima blinks a few times before she looks at Liz, furrowing her brow and then exhaling like she keeps forgetting that she’s not the Aunt Liz that she knows.

“It’s my ability,” she says, raising one hand and wiggling her fingers in the air. “I can travel through time and space, but going backwards is really hard. I never really tried it, but of course, Dad had figured out a way to do it.”

“Why did he send you back?” Maria asks carefully. “Why didn’t he come back with you?”

Cosima’s gaze snaps to Maria like she’s been trying to avoid looking at her the entire time, and Maria inhales sharply, and reaches out and wraps her fingers around Michael’s wrist as though she already knew what Cosima was going to say.

Michael had known what was coming when it came to what happened to himself, but whatever it was that happened to Alex he really didn’t want to know. He would prefer to go on thinking that the future had an alive and well Alex Manes, and that made everything that was to come worth it.

Cosima inhales carefully, and she looks away from Maria to look at Alex who is leaning back on a table away from them like he’s trying to isolate himself.

“After the attack on Roswell, there were other cities attacked, but the Alighting left, not seeing any good that would come from taking over Earth. They left us alone, but there were still aliens living here, aliens that didn’t want anything to do with the Alighting and their agenda. The government knew that there were others, and special task forces were dispatched to deal with them.”

She stops speaking and takes a deep, shaky breath like she doesn’t really want to say what she has to say next, but can’t figure out a way out of it.

“Dad always made sure that we were careful, and if there was ever any doubt, he would move us somewhere else immediately, but something had happened, and even though Dad wanted us to move, I fought him about it because I had friends, and I didn’t want to have to start all over again, and he gave in because it’s what he does when it’s something that I really want, but someone found out, about me, and they told and the last thing I remember is Dad telling me what I had to do, making me promise him that I would find him in the past, and then there were these people in tactical suits with guns and he stood between me and them until I managed to do it, and the last thing I heard was-”

Her voice cuts off and she inhales sharply almost like she can’t breathe and she’s looking over to where Alex is with eyes shining bright with tears and Michael already knows what she’s going to say before she says it.

“It was a gunshot,” she finishes voice sounding terrifyingly numb. “I think he’s dead.”

Alex is startled out of the daze that Cosima’s story has put him in, by the harsh scrape of Michael’s chair as he gets up.

Alex’s gaze snaps to him, to see him pushing Maria’s hands away as he walks out of the bar, taking the same path that Max had earlier.

Alex very nearly follows after him immediately, but then he hears Cosima’s voice wheezing a little, and he turns to her, immediately concerned.

She’s looking at him with wide wet eyes, darting up and down his frame like she’s searching for a bullet hole.

Alex moves towards her automatically, dropping to his knees, and ignoring the slight twinge of pain that goes up his right thigh.

“I just have him,” she says gasping, looking at him with tears running down her face. “I don’t have anyone else, just him and if he’s gone? Then I don’t have anyone. I’ll be completely alone.”

Alex reaches up and cups her shoulders in his hands, and she literally stops, air catching in her throat, eyes wide and intent on Alex.

“Listen to me,” he says with as much conviction as he can. “We are going to figure out a way to fix this. And even if you stay stuck here, I promise you, you’re not alone. You’ll have me, no matter what.”

Cosima nods her head quickly, and Alex feels like maybe he should hug her, but he can tell that she doesn’t want that right now, so he squeezes her shoulders and gets up, looking to Liz who stands up immediately.

“Why don’t we go to the bathroom so you can wash your face?” She suggests, and Cosima looks from Alex to her and nods her head, again.

She gets up from her seat and Alex watches as she follows Liz to the bathroom for a second before he turns around and follows the same path Michael did to go outside.

He expects to find the truck missing, but instead, he finds Michael sitting on the tailgate of his truck, staring at the horizon as storm clouds start rolling in.

Alex walks over to him trying to figure out how to say what he actually means to say.

Lately all he’s been doing has been putting his foot in his mouth every time that he talks to Michael, and even though they’ve become closer than they ever had been, when it comes to the serious stuff, Alex always seems to say something wrong.

He’s always been a more show than tell type of guy, but Michael deserved to hear the words, even if they were difficult for Alex to say.

Alex sits down besides Michael on the tailgate with a sigh, but he still doesn’t know what to say.

Michael like always, doesn’t have that problem.

“I knew that she was going to say that I was dead, I could see it in the way that she looked at me, and I was prepared for that, but somehow knowing that you might-”

His voice cuts out and he shakes his head looking down at his hands.

Alex blinks up at the sky and inhales shakily as Michael keeps talking.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I can die happily knowing that you’re alive out there somewhere.”

Alex shakes his head a little but Michael isn’t looking at him. He can hear him inhaling to keep speaking, but Alex just takes a deep breath and beats him to it.

“Stop,” he says, and Michael freezes.

“You’re right, I don’t want to hear that. And up until a few minutes ago, I would’ve told you that there was nothing that could tear me from your side if you were about to die.”

He can feel Michael go even more tense beside him.

Alex closes his eyes and tries again.

“You know, I’ve never really thought about having kids. I guess some part of me was always afraid that I would end up like my father no matter how hard I tried, but-”

He stops talking and shakes his head and when he opens his eyes and turns to Michael, Michael is staring right at him.

“But if you asked me to take care of your child,” he continues, and Michael’s eyes go wide with shock. “I would do it without hesitation.”

Michael stares at him for a few long moments, not moving, not even breathing.

Alex stares at him, and tries to figure out where he messed up now, when Michael gasps, inhaling deeply and looks away.

“Why?” Michael demands breathing heavily.

Alex furrows his brow, not really understanding what Michael means, until he gets it, and he scoffs looking away.

“You know why, Guerin.”

“No I don’t,” Michael snaps almost angrily. “If I did I wouldn’t be asking.”

Alex stands up, pushing away from the truck and paces agitatedly for a few seconds before he turns back to Michael who is looking at him like he thinks that Alex is going to make an excuse to leave at any second.

Alex exhales heavily and takes two steps forward, until he’s close enough that Michael furrows his brow.

“Why do you think?”

Michael scoffs and looks away briefly before turning back towards him with a determined look on his face, like he’s tired of not saying what he’s thinking.

“I think that you’re just trying to make up for everything wrong that has ever happened to me like it’s your fault that you were born into a family of douchebags, and the last thing that I want from you is pity.”

Alex shakes his head before Michael is even done talking.

“That’s not it at all,” Alex says immediately. “I’ll admit that at first, I felt guilty, and maybe I tried too hard to eradicate the wrongs of the past and didn’t spend enough time trying to right the wrongs that were actually my fault, but it was never about pity.”

“Then why?” Michael asks, pushing himself off from the tailgate and getting into Alex’s personal space.

“Because you’re my family!” Alex snaps, feeling frustrated. “Because I would do anything for you! Because I love you!”

Michael goes completely still again, and Alex mirrors his movements, eyes going wide as he realizes exactly what he just said.

“You-” Michael starts sounding breathless as though Alex had punched him in the stomach.

Alex just swallows hard and nods his head carefully.

Michael steps even closer, and Alex realizes abruptly how close they are and moves to take a step backwards.

Michael wraps his fingers in the collar of Alex’s shirt and he holds on tight, arresting his movements.

Alex licks his lips and his eyes drop to Michael’s mouth, briefly, before he catches himself and looks away.

“Say it again,” Michael says in a low voice, and Alex looks back at him because he can’t help himself.

Michael’s gaze is on his mouth like he needs to see the words coming out as well as hear them.

Alex inhales carefully and just stares at Michael’s face.

Alex parts his lips, but the words don’t come out.

Michael’s eyes dart up to his, and Alex feels all the air get trapped at the back of his throat.

Michael’s eyes go bright and warm, and Alex breathes in sharply and says the words as easy as breathing.

“I love you,” he says, stomach trembling.

Michael smiles soft and sweet, his mouth quirking up higher on one side than the other.

He’s looking at Alex like he’s something amazing and impossible. His fingers go tighter in the fabric of Alex’s shirt, and he pulls him in a little bit more, gaze going dark as his eyes drop to Alex’s mouth and he leans in.

Alex doesn’t realize that he’s about to be kissed until he feels Michael’s breath against his mouth.

“Wait,” he says, voice dry and cracking.

Michael stops moving closer, but he doesn’t move any further back, eyes still on Alex’s mouth.

“Why?” Michael asks again, voice thick and breathy.

“What about Maria?”

Michael moves back then, eyes darting up to Alex’s. “We broke up like two weeks-”

“I know,” Alex says, cutting him off. “I mean, Cosima. She’s your daughter. Yours and Maria’s.”

“And she calls you Dad like it’s something she’s done all of her life, because she has,” Michael says and Alex feels the words like tiny bombs impacting in his brain.

“And anyway,” Michael says, voice going low again, as he pushes in close again, brushing their noses together. “I have never wanted children. Until I saw you holding her in your arms.”

Alex really doesn’t think that anyone will blame him for reacting the way that he does.

He reaches up and drags his hands into Michael’s hair, and closes the small distance between them, crushing their mouths together.

Michael makes a soft, shocked sound that Alex muffles with his lips. And then Michael is surging into him, sliding his hands to the back of Alex’s neck and holding him close as he kisses Alex harder, biting against his lips and licking into his mouth.

Alex moans low in the back of his throat as he tightens his fingers in Michael’s hair and kisses him back just as hard, feeling a little bit desperate and like this might be the last time that he’ll ever be able to kiss Michael.

Michael drags his hands down Alex’s back and settles himself back against the tailgate of his truck wrapping his arms around Alex’s waist to keep him close.

Alex leans heavily against him, dragging his hands through Michael’s hair restlessly as the thought really hits him that Michael is going to die soon, and that’s not a thought he’s prepared to deal with at all.

He pulls away from Michael mouths parting with a wet, sucking sound.

He looks at Michael and tries to think clearly.

“What is it?” Michael asks, voice low, hands moving up and down Alex’s back. What’s wrong?“

Alex stares at him for a long second before he sighs and steps out of Michael’s hold.

"It’s just,” Alex says, dragging his fingers through his hair and then crossing his arms over his chest as he turns to look back at Michael who is watching Alex with a furrowed brow.

“I know me, and I wouldn’t have tried to find a way to send her back unless I figured out a way to save you.”

#malex fic #cosima au #if this posts fifty times pls let me know #tumblr hates me i swear #but anyway #if you cry during this part #let me just tell you #that the worse is yet to come #but keep in mind #HOPEFUL ENDING #i love y'all #esp my wife christi for being encouraging and lovely #thank you for reading ❤

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wildflower8281 · 7 years

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My Arizona Adventure

February 2, 2017

February 2nd is historically a big day for me. Thirteen years ago today, I entered the convent, a stage of my life that lasted almost 8 years and has informed my person in innumerable ways. One year ago today, I flew across the country on a 1-way ticket, marking another start on a journey that has shaped me into more of who I am meant to be in this world. Big things happen on this day in my life. In pagan spirituality, February 2nd is called Ibolc and is celebrated as the Festival of Light, the returning of the sun, as it marks the halfway point between winter and spring. It is when we first begin to notice the signs of spring, blossoms, green, hope, warmth. Christianity eventually put their spin on this celebration of nature and named it Candlemas, citing the infant Christ as the light of the world. Either way, it’s a day about Light. In religious life, I was given the name Lumen Christi, or Light of Christ. While I do not identify as a christian or a catholic anymore, I still hold the essence of Lumen as my own and believe Light to be who I am at my core. February 2nd, the Festival of Light always moves me….sometimes just interiorly, but sometimes literally into big, new adventures, leaps into a new chapter…

A year ago today, I hopped on a 1-way flight to Phoenix, Arizona knowing in my heart that things were just gonna work out. And as I write this today and look back on my year here, I am so very grateful for all the ways that Life truly has worked out and the Universe really has upheld and embraced me here. This writing is part story and part litany of gratitude…

For about the third time in my life, I had left a place of work that did not feel like where I was supposed to be anymore. I was in between jobs and it was mid-January in cold, wintery NJ. I intended on going to visit my Dad and stepmom in Arizona for a few weeks just to get some sun and to recalibrate. Very quickly, as I began to have Arizona on my mind, the idea of a visit turned into the idea of a life out there. A co-worker said, “You should just buy a 1-way ticket and see what’s out there for you!” My entire being responded to that sentence and I will forever be grateful to Michelle for speaking what came on her heart that moment. From then on, it was as if Arizona was pulling me out here and, even though I didn’t have any answers or plans, I knew to trust that feeling. I wasn’t scared. There was a deep calmness and overall feeling that this was the right move for me, so I continued to follow that feeling and didn’t really care what anyone else thought. It was confirmed when I asked my dad & stepmom if I could in fact just buy a 1-way ticket, stay with them and see if I could land a job out here – as they were thinking the same thing and going to suggest it to me!

A year ago today, I did not have a job, a place of my own or friends out here. A year ago today I landed in this desert and little did I know how generous it would be to me! It is quite amazing when you just listen to your heart and not let the world scare you. You can make some pretty brave moves and you’ll be surprised by how much the stars align for you.

I must say that none of my life here in AZ could have happened without the generosity of both my mom Susan & sister Erin in New Jersey, and my dad, his wife Erin and Fitz family out here in AZ. After almost 8 years in the convent, I returned home to my mom in 2011 and spent four amazing years with her on the farm, learning how to be me again. She received my broken, exhausted, lost self and gave me the space, love and support to heal, grow and learn to be brave and strong again. My mom’s love has informed my own heart more than any other person in my life. My sister Erin always embraces my choices and always stands by my side, even when it means leaving her. That is brave and that is love. And without her love, I would not feel whole and would not be who I am today. She welcomed me home post covent and she supported me as I moved out west. She is my person and always will be. My dad and his wife Erin so generously welcomed me into their home and allowed me to live with them until I got on my own two feet. They gave me a foundation here, they supported my hopes, they listened to my ramblings, they made me margaritas and put up with my weird yoga ways outside every morning….they showed their love in actions and for all these things, I will forever be grateful. My aunts out here in AZ also supported me whole heartedly: Mary Kay allowed me to hole up in her house, using her laptop to job hunt and apply. Aunt Barb always kept an ear out for me whether it was for jobs or places to live, and she passed her bike onto me, which I now ride to work daily! They opened their lives here to me, for whatever I needed.

It goes without saying that my best friend in life, Lindsay, lives in my heart at each step, walks with me and knows my journey and story like no other. She is my soul friend from all ages, who upholds my spirit and mirrors my light with her love. Amore & Lumen ad eternum.

In New Jersey, I rediscovered myself, I healed, and I was very, very loved….I was sent off knowing that I would always be loved and supported….in Arizona, I was received just the same. If only every human could have these gifts! I wish them upon everyone and am daily grateful for them in my life. Because I feel so blessed, my main priority in life is to make the people in my life feel heard, loved, supported…to look people in the eyes, to listen and connect. In my opinion, once people feel heard, loved, and supported, then they can go out and heal the world however they are meant to – be it through art, music, medicine, laughter, teaching, etc. I don’t need or want big, loud things in life or on my resume, I want to be the quiet, steady whisper in people’s hearts & lives that they are loved, that they shine bright and that they have meaning in this world.

Just as flying one way across the country without a job or any answers isn’t the norm, nor was my plan for job hunting. I didn’t waste my time frantically applying to every random thing. I promised myself that I would only apply to places that aligned with my values and lifestyle, which mainly included health and art in all forms. The first place I applied was a tiny yoga studio called Funke Yoga. It was my first application and my first job offer! This was about 3 weeks in. I will always be grateful to Mara for hiring me, as it was that little part time job at the yoga studio that was my first concrete anchor here in AZ. During my time at Funke, I met two of my first friends who I am grateful now I call my best friends here, Rose & Lee….or as my dad and Erin refer to them: RosenLee, since I always mention them together! They are my crew, my fam, we are nerds who love food, laughter, yoga and root beer. They keep my heart light and bring me much joy. I love them dearly. They are the first two who made me believe that I would find my people out here. And I have.

Following Funke, I only applied to 3 other places: an art center, a handcrafted local soap company and a chiropractors office. I was invited for interviews at all 3. The soap company ended up moving to Oregon. While the chiropractor paid better, the art center felt better and for me, that makes all the difference. There was about a 3 week span between my first interview and getting the job at Phoenix Center for the Arts, but I had stopped looking and applying elsewhere. I knew the position was for me and I just lived my life knowing that it was the right fit. When Lauren called to offer me the job, I was out hiking and answered from the mountain!

When I think of all the amazing people and connections I have made since working at PCA, it blows my mind space! First of all, my coworkers are a bunch of freaking brilliant badasses, who create, maneuver and shape-shift all day, every day, all the while being kind, patient and usually hilarious. I am grateful for the freedom, the expansive energy and the fun comraderie that is fostered at PCA. I have never really been more proud of the people I work with and humbled to be a part of their amazing team:

· Joseph – thank you for your warmth, open spirit and for believing in the best parts of me and us. And for bringing Joy into our family!

· Lauren – thank you for your sense of humor, lightheartedness and for patiently teaching me skills and encouraging me to trust myself again. I couldn’t ask for and wouldn’t want another supervisor/friend/team member all rolled into one.

· Lane – thank you for your kindness and willingness to use your mastery to make everything amazing. And for your specialized lingo that I thoroughly enjoy!

· Jessica – thank you for living in the barrio with me, for having a super fun spirit and for seeing in me more than I see sometimes. And for your great laugh.

· Jessi – my fellow transplant! Thank you for your under the radar badassness, your kind energy and the way you can do all the things!

· Mirinda – what can I say?! Thank you for making me laugh, for thinking of us always and for listening, friend!

· David – thank you for your friendliness and for always making me feel supported and safe, esp on evening shifts! And for sharing your food with me!

· Lindsey – thank you for your generosity with your gifts, you have a depth of perception that most do not. I love being late nite shift buddies!

· Melissa – thank you for cleaning up our messes in a most masterful way! Your gifts are greatly appreciated and I admire your organization and adventurous spirit!

· Sonya – the newest addition! I am stoked you are with us and thrilled to work with you and have more time to get to know each other. You clearly have many gifts to share. Thank you for your amazing spirit.

· Kaitlyn – who would have thought that from across the country, I’d become friends with the girl whose position I took! It’s no surprise to me that we have become hiking buddies! I knew the moment I saw you that we had a similar spirit.

· Laura – thank you for warmly welcoming me, patiently teaching me skills my first few months and introducing me to Lola!

And to all the amazing instructors, PCA regulars & Radio Phoenix people who have welcomed me like family and who make me look forward to going to work each day and week: Don, John, Ingrid, Ann, Mike, Colette, Char, Marilyn, Liz, Michele, Brian, Jess, Andrea, Betsi, Fabrice, Michaela, Nubia, Carly, Travis, Robert….

They say timing is everything and two very special people I met during my first months at PCA have become true life friends, even though they left PCA shortly after: Dorothee and Jose. Dorothee is like 10 years my minor, but we just clicked and became very close right away. She is a true best friend with whom I can share anything and for whom I would do anything. She has supported me during difficult moments and visa versa. We only worked together for a few months at PCA, but that was all we needed to form our friendship, one that is a true pillar of my life here.

Jose I also met during my first week at PCA, as he was a front desk volunteer. He was a quiet, seemingly shy guy, but kind and so polite. As is my custom, I like to engage people beyond the normal surface questions, so as the weeks went on, I would linger at the desk and intend to get to know this human who Life had arranged to be in my place of work a few times a week. I sensed that he was like me, in that we aren’t amazing in groups, but are masters at 1-on-1 conversing. And I was right. Once I got Jose talking, we found out that we could talk forever! And, without sounding cliché, that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship – one full of late nite talks, hiking, coffee on the patio, cooking adventures, library dates and chasing the moon and stars. Jose stopped volunteering in the summer, but again, I am amazed at the timing of the Universe, as it aligned our time at PCA just right, so that we had enough time to warm up and become friends…a relationship that has brought me even more alive than I already felt and for which I am so grateful.

And so here I sit in my Dollhouse on February 2, 2017. A year ago today, I had no job, no friends and no place of my own out here. I just had a knowing in my heart. I flew across the country with that knowing tucked deep down where I promised I wouldn’t let anyone take it, I fell asleep at nite to that knowing and just kept listening to it as the days and weeks unfolded out here. Today I sit in my guesthouse that is the perfect little space for me, my first ever space of my own, I look around and can only be grateful for how that knowing in my heart has manifested into a life out here that I love. It is a simple life, a happy life. It fills my heart, brings me alive and allows me to receive others as Arizona received me: generously, warmly and with an open heart. So, once again, on February 2nd, I am moved. I look around and see that I am surrounded by bright lights here….a true Festival of Light, with much sprouting and blossoming, and so many good things! May we all shine brightly in this world, just as we are meant to, for in the end, the light always overcomes the darkness. I promise.

#arizona #intuition #catholic #nun #journey #gratitude #phoenix #former nun #christianity #imbolc #candlemass #light #lumen #love #heart #grateful #ponderings

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