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cchellacat · 4 years

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No Good At Goodbye

Darcy/Nat past

Angst. Heartbreak. No happy ending.

Darcy wipes her eyes, catching the tears before they can fall. She’s so tired and just wants to sleep because everything just hurts. It’s been two weeks and it’s silly to be so upset. She knows it is.

She hadn’t realised at first what she was feeling, it’s not like she was expecting it to happen. The idea of falling in love with someone hadn’t crossed her mind at all.

She and Jane had moved to the tower four months ago. Thor had decided to live permanently on Earth, baring any giant intergalactic threats and then Stark had insisted on financing Jane’s work and having her move to NY. It was great that the job now came with decent healthcare and a free apartment, not to mention the extra zeros on her pay-check, that had been a nice surprise. But the best thing about living at the tower? Getting to meet new people and make friends.

She hid it well, but Darcy wasn’t great at making new friends, she had always been a little too snarky and weird, but here? Here the weird and the snark was embraced!

She’d hit it off with the two science minded Avengers right away, Tony and Bruce were both funny in their own way and just as wicked smart as Jane. She’d gotten to know Pepper and Peter and settled into a happy little routine.

Just as she was relaxing into this new feeling of almost family, Clint and Natasha had returned from whatever hell hole they had been infiltrating. Clint was hilarious and easy to get along with, Natasha had been more difficult. But Darcy had figured she couldn’t give up at the first hurdle.

She wanted to get to know her, the red head had both fascinated and terrified her.

Sitting in the lab she tapped her pen off the desk. Thinking back, it had probably been too late from the first moment she had finally gotten the courage up to ask the pretty assassin a question.

They had talked some and Darcy felt like she’d succeeded in getting Nat to like her, at least a little. Over the next month she had slowly but surely started making a point of taking to her everyday. They had settled into an easy friendship faster than Darcy could have imagined.

The first inkling Darcy had that she was falling for her had been a text message. Nat must have put herself into Darcy’s contacts when she wasn’t looking because when the message popped up Nat’s name and picture appeared with it.

Butterflies flew in her belly and she’d felt breathless as she pressed her thumb to the pad, unlocking the phone. Reading the message a blush had crept up her cheeks as she smiled, thumbs dancing over the screen as she replied and agreed to meet for coffee and a chat.

After that they met up every morning for coffee and few weeks later, lunchs became the new normal within a few weeks if that dinner nearly every other night had followed.

Darcy knew then she was falling hard for her. Wanted to kiss her so fiercely it made her mouth water. That’s why when it finally happened she’d been so surprised.

It wasn’t her that made the first move. It was Nat. Threatening to put her over her knee if she didn’t stop teasing her. Darcy’s response had been out of her mouth before she could think It over. A Sassy, “yes Ma’am”, before arching her eyebrow. Natasha’s hand suddenly falling to her leg and caressing her skin just above her knee had shocked her silent and still. Her eyes wide, frozen as Nat slowly moved her fingers in circles along her inner thigh, a soft question from the red head, asking if she wanted her to stop. In response Darcy had let her knees fall open as she leaned in, kissing Nat for the first time. Fuck it had progressed quickly after that.

Darcy looks up as a commotion in the corridors has half the lab floor on their feet in concern.

She spots the bright red hair first, even among the sea of tall bulky men, the deadly assassin was always easy to pick out, even distracted as they were, there was a bubble of space around her.

There was a man on a gurney, shouting in Russian. It looked as though he were struggling to get away, the glint of metal as an arm breaks free and flails at Steve has her stumbling back a little in surprise. Shit. The Winter Soldier...

She seeks out the red head again with her eyes, Nat’s name forming silently on her lips, watching as she stumbles through the double doors, into operations, banged up and bruised and with Darcy unable to decide if she would welcome her help and company or push her away as she had before she left on mission.

Darcy wars with indecision, Natasha had slowly pushed her away over the course of a few weeks. Missed coffee dates, always busy and then the text messages and soft smiles had disappeared all together. Darcy had had no idea how to deal with it. She’s not stupid, she got the hint and she’s slowly stoped from leaving her once lover messages, she wasn’t going to push. But at the same time, she had been her friend and that meant something to Darcy. Maybe Natasha didn’t want her in her bed anymore, but Darcy had felt more than just lust for Nat. She genuinely liked her, cared about her, even if Nat no longer felt the same.

She put down the pen and followed. It wasn’t hard to get past security, some instinct told her where to look. She found her sitting in the locker room. Glassy eyed and staring at the floor.

“Nat? .... Are you okay?”

She feels like and idiot. Of course she’s not okay. The assassin looking shocked and a little like she might cry.

Darcy makes her way over and sits beside her. Not quite close enough to touch, but close enough to feel the heat radiating from her body.

She studies Nat carefully as the red head ignores her. She looks bone tired and grief stricken, Darcy’s heart aches for her. She reaches one arm tentatively around Nat’s shoulder and hugs her. At first all Darcy feels is the resistance, the way her body stiffens at the weight of Darcy’s arm, and then it changes. Nat curls into her side, let’s her head drop to Darcy’s shoulder and hides her face in her neck.

Darcy wraps her other arm across and hugs her tightly. She doesn’t say a word, feels tears prick at her eyes. She’s not sure if they’re for her or for Nat. Pain radiates off the other woman, Darcy bites her lip and presses a kiss into Nat’s hair.

She’s not sure how long they stay like that, her arms around her slender form as the red head cries silently into her skin, but by the time Nat raises her head and pulls away, her tears have dried and Darcy’s arms ache from holding her.

“Thank you...”

The words are a whisper of quiet, but she hears them.

“Always.” She returns simply. It’s true, it doesn’t matter that Nat no longer loves her that way, how she feels for the woman was never conditional on Nat’s feelings for her.

“Will you stay for a little while?”

Darcy knows how much is pains Nat to ask, can hear the reluctance in her voice, understands the why. It still doesn’t matter though.

“Of course, whatever you need.”

She averts her eyes as Nat changes, using wet wipes alone to clean off dirt and blood from her skin, then changing into soft black leggings and an oversized sweatshirt from her locker.

Darcy follows dutifully behind as Nat gestures her to follow, eventually leading them down the hall to medical where Darcy finally gets her first proper look at the Winter Soldier.

He’s in a bed, eyes closed, chest bare apart from the sensor pads and two good sized gauze pads taped to him where Darcy guesses they dug bullets out of his flesh. His skin is pale and grey, lips bloodless as his chest rises and falls to the slow steady beat of the monitor.

Nat curls up in one of the chairs by the bed as Darcy takes her own seat beside her. She’s thankful for the silence in a way.

It means she can’t ask the questions that even in her head sound selfish and bitter.

Is he why I wasn’t enough? You knew he was alive and I suddenly didn’t matter ? You pushed me away so cruelly because he was what you really wanted, was I just a fling? A shiny distraction to fill a space you were keeping for him?

She sucked in a slow breath and refused to let the hot tears leave her eyes. It doesn’t matter how she feels right now. She has to be better than that, she has to rise above her own selfishness and be there for her friend, because no matter the personal cost, she wants Nat to be happy, she deserves to find peace and love, nothing will change that and Darcy will do everything in her power to help Nat get that; a happy ending, at least one of them should have it and Darcy knows it won’t be her, it never will be.

They sit up the whole night, watching him sleep, listening to the sharp beep of the monitors. At some point Nat reaches out a hand and Darcy grasps it firmly in her own. She won’t let go, she holds Nat’s hand in hers, thumb rubbing soothing circles into her skin.

She’s not sure when it happened, but at some point her eyes had closed, heavy with exhaustion as she nodded off. The dream she fell into was one full of shadows, she felt trapped as she seemed to go in circles, never finding a way out. Every corner she turned, far into the distance she would see her, Natasha, the bright red of her hair flashing in the gloom like an ember, leading her on. Darcy keeps following the elusive apparition until she comes to a sudden fork in the maze. Before she can fully fall into a panic in her dream she startled awake.

The room is quiet and she blinks slowly trying to recall where she is. Natashas back is to her as she perched on the hospital bed, Darcy can hear the quiet murmur, two voice one baritone low speaking quietly. She stands slowly, feeling as though she’s out of place and utterly invisible. She backs from the room slowly, she knows she’s not soundless, not like they can be but Nat never turns her head, never even acknowledges that she leaving them to their privacy.

Darcy pauses in the doorway, eyes lingering one last time on her once lover. Her heart breaks a little more, her teeth sunk deep into her bottom lip before she turns and walks away, the long hallway yawning before her. Empty and as alone as she feels in her soul. There’s nothing left for her to do here, no unfinished business.

By the time she makes it back to her room she’s made her decision. It’s time to go, time to move on with her life. But she can’t do it here, waiting and watching as the love of her life forgets her existence. So she packs her bags, writes a note for Jane and one for Tony and she leaves. Maybe one day she’ll come back when it no longer hurts to breath. But until then she needs to go. Nat made her choice a long time ago, it was never going to be Darcy.

She’s not running away she decides, she’s just facing the truth. She fell in love but Nat didn’t and that was okay, there was no blame to be doled out, it simply was. If she was easily forgotten, well, she’d never really expected otherwise. She was and always had been replaceable. She knew though, deep inside, that nothing would ever replace Natasha in her heart, because she had given it to the woman freely, attaching no conditions or expectations: it was what it was. A part of life, another lesson learned, another loss. One more wouldn’t kill her, she’d survived the rest. Maybe one day she could look back and smile, but for now she let the tears fall as she boarded the train.

Now was the time to try and heal.

#darcy lewis x natasha romanoff #darcy/nat #darcy lewis #natasha romamoff #marvel #fanfic #my writing

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