#dont know if its college or What. but sometimes my former therapist is there. the one i had a crush on. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

akira-seijuro · 4 years

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1/3 Last brain pill

I should have been something else. I could have made more days less painful for everyone. I love my family, friends more than I love myself. I can't do it. I can't love myself enough to let them go.

On 27th April, 2020, one of the anti depressants that I have been taking for over an year, is over. My doc, reduced the dosage and I think I'm finally done with it and I was so damn fucking happy. I think, for the first time in my entire life, including my childhood, I don't see myself as a victim anymore. Victim of being bullied, unfriended, heartbreak, academics and most importantly my friends and family.

This lockdown is like shit worst. I can't even imagine people being alone and trying to take care or themselves. It's nightmare. I can't even imagine myself in my pg or my hostel room anymore. I mean, sure I could have survived like I did all those years, but that chronic self care obsession would just make me let go of myself. On May 31st 2020, I'll be officially completing one year of my medication and June 2nd would be my father's first death anniversary and July 15th would be the time I probably saw my friend, for the last time, who totally instilled hope in me. I'd probably never see him again.

I could have been better. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if it was my best thinking now. I could have been more patient, a better daughter. I could have been more honest, a better friend. I could have been more kind to myself. I lived in fear for so long, I don't care about my last minute anymore. I don't am have any regrets. I tried my best. I don't like when people say 'Poor you, take care of your mum. You had to go through so much at a very young age. Everybody goes through this. Everybody dies sometime. I get it, I understand your pain.'

I think what I wanted was 'It's alright. I believe in you. We'll be ok. We will go through this shit together and finally make peace with it someday.' I did have my best friend saying that to me until January 2nd, 8.30pm. Now I don't know where he is. How he is doing. I wanted to escape my life so badly, I wanted to run away from my bitterness. But it was all inside of me. I didn't want my dad's death another thing for people to say sorry for. It means something for me. Sometimes he means everything to me. Every little piece of my existence belongs to my parents. I love them very much that I can't be this girl who went through her childhood without almost making a single friend. But yeah, teenage is shit. I changed. A lot. I became more open, accepting, strong and brave. I was never afraid to tell the truth, I used to postpone but I know I would do it anyway, I would do what feels right to me. C'mon I proposed 2 guys. It was real. The love I felt. I think being in love makes you feel that everything is possible, mostly that it deepens the hope that someday you'll be happy. Chill. Both are one sided and failures. I've never been loved or cared that way. I don't think I need to. I mean my friends wholeheartedly love me and would go almost out of their way to do anything that would make me feel better at times. I never looked for a fucking replacement of the man whom I loved the most. No body can be that man who chants my name to feel better while in pain.

Rather than hurting people. I think I scared alot of people away because of my love. I guess it's so intense and feels weird. I don't know. I've started therapy for the first time in my life on October 23rd 2016, because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't wish the person on his birthday because my existence was irksome i guess. I still don't know what it was. But yeah. It continues till April 30th 2016 while I was in college. Every week Thursday at 3pm, a counselling session. I felt more accepted and more cared for with the space I wanted there. But frankly, I started therapy because I just wanted someone to listen to me and just try to not have an opinion good or bad about my pain, but be with me while I was processing it. I went there because I thought they'd not have any choice but to listen because I paid. But it was the best thing I did in my life. My dad's illness came back again. I mean March 2nd 2012 to December 17th 2012 is not enough. I was a lid. I didn't process shit. I just believed in god blindly and performed my duties of packing, buying groceries, boarding public transportation, learning how to ride a scooty without ever having a cycle, waiting outside operation theatre, outside radiation hall, outside chemo sessions, all while preparing for my bard exams and jee mains. I just blocked it out. All the pain and emptiness. It had to come again. Being close friends with dad, his illness pushed me to the edge of depression and I was meds which he manipulated me to stop after reaching home. I would isolate myself and would be blamed for it later. I would feel guilty that the person, my best friend whomi trusted the most left me to hang dry. Actually 2 of them. Then comes the job.

But I came to Bangalore with my cousin. When I entered royal orchid for my job orientation everyone is with someone and I was all alone. Just how I entered my college. All alone from Hyderabad to Surathkal. I opened my door, saw my roommate with her family came out and cried so much for my dad. He called my cousin and then he came to see me. It's new for him as well. So I dont blame. My dad knew what I needed until he knew he was gonna die sometime soon. I suffered, wished it to end. I tried therapy and meds again but I felt its hopeless and I stopped once the side effects were horrible from July 2017. My therapist was wonderful though. I loved her. I felt like she's my friend and I didn't want to go down that lane so I stopped. Then people told me that I'm so pessimistic to think 2018 December 22nd would be my last birthday with dad. You know it's not the worst thing to imagine the worst, sometimes its callous reality. Some doctor said this. You dont know what your people want whether they want to fight on ventilator or not. But it would be nice to get to know them. My stomach turned in may so much that I thought something bad is going to happen to my dad the whole time. Once he was scared and the practical prank he pulled took a toll on me and I colored my hair blue. It became green. I wanted to cut ties with my family and friends. No body was there then, all my friends were on business trips or we had a fight. But I made a new friend who's accepting and weird. Then another new friend with whom I randomly broke out after storming out of a meeting. I guess I started developing feelings for the former one. I didnt want all that shit because I know it's not going to work out or that it won't be reciprocated. So, I didnt want that shit to make my suffering much worse. So I realized everything is so messed up and I needed help. I stuttered and stammered dude while my dad thought he was dying but didnt. I barely remember what words I spoke or repeated. Well, second time when they called, it's true. Anyway on 31st may, with all the complications I decided I might need meds because even my body is going out of control now. Then on 1st I get that call and had to dye my hair back to brown and go see him there. This time no words came out of my mouth, it's like I forgot all the languages and how to form sentences. I couldn't promise him that I'll come out of depression, so I said I'd try in my head which obviously didnt come out because, well, like I said my body wasnt under my control. Then the only thing I wanted him to know about my life is Ayushman, lets call my first love that. I dont want to name. That I love Ayushman so much but he doesn't and its ok. I called to tell him about my new friends Bhavana and Bennington, let's call second guy that. But instead it all turned out something. But once after all that agony injecting rituals and processes, I came back and the only person o wanted to see and talk was Bennington. Then I realised what I was feeling and I accepted it and felt good that while grieving, I was able to love and not feel guilty about it. True, I tried very hard, wanted to cross oceans for him. I wanted to be there for him. But then I didn't want to force it. I don't know what the fuck I did anyway. Then a lot happened, prathista entered my life and I was loved and accepted and I could feel people wanting good for me. And that's all I needed. Besides the belief thing. Some more fights with my best friend sneha, with whom I got matching tattoos.

Then my best friend, lets call him sunshine had to like go out of the world to save love. I was alone. I was a workaholic. Knowing that someone loved me gave me immense energy to work harder, to do more good. But then Voila, my mom and cancer again. God. I didnt feel that someone is inflicting pain or that I'm a victim. I felt that these things happen and its life. It's bad but it's how it went in my life. I have no control over what happens to her. Whenever I assist her or do some stuff, I keep correlating with my dad's time with cancer. It gets so confusing. Idk. I love my mum too. I grieve. I cry. For both mum, dad. Sometimes for sunshine and Bennington. But I think it's ok. It's not something to feel bad or sorry for. It's a part of my life. I am glad I was able to back to my friendships. Gowtami, Chandu, Bokade are like pillars of support for me. I realised being kind is a way to deal with the crisis. I liked the way I lived for the first time. But I'd do anything for the people I love. I'm not going to force it. I wish them all good. People keep saying I'm strong and brave explicitly. No, I was always them. They are implicit things. Thats my character. Being able to be strong, brave, vulnerable, real honest, intense and sometimes messy. Anyway 2 more brain pills to go and still more therapy sessions. They will end when they should. I am glad that this is something that I did for myself. It's my effort despite all the discouragements I've faced about it. I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I'm so glad it has a name. I miss my dad very much right now. My mom's chicken curry too. I miss my friends.

Love,

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

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Southern Charm Recap: Flamingo-ing Crazy

Evening, party people. Smiling faces, beautiful places, welcome back to another week of . Lets see what bat shit craziness this week has in store.

Cameran solidifies her role as the unofficial protagonist of the show, narrating the opening sequence (and even saying the word bitch. Well, I do declare!) My familys about to make fun of me for debasing myself by watching this show for yet another week. Suck it, dad, this shits entertaining and makes me feel like a very accomplished adult in comparison to these 35-year-old train wrecks. On a side note, Im kind of getting into this theme song. As an extra side note, my TV is broken and everything is green tinted, which is fitting, I feel.

We open with Thomas on the phone with JD, the former bitching about Kathryn (what else is new?). He rolls up to JDs house and cant even say yes to a cup of coffee without breaking out the French. Ugh, I thought that was a one-episode thing. Thomas apparently told Kathryn he wasnt cosigning her lease (after the whole polo fiasco, if you’ll recall) and she went so nuts that she ended up IN THE HOSPITAL AND MAY HAVE GONE INTO LABOR PREMATURELY. Jesus fucking Christ. So now, what does Thomas do? He agrees to cosign.

JD is like, wait, so you call Kathryn and tell her youre not cosigning, she gets upset, and now youre cosigning anyway because you feel bad for her

JD: I upset my wife plenty of times when she was pregnant but she didnt end up in the hospital over it.

Thomas is like, Wow, everybody was righthomegirl really does know how to manipulate.

Apparently Jennifer is the ultimate shadester, she used to date Thomas and screenshotted everything and sent it to Kathryn just to stir shit up. Taking it a bit far, don’t you think?

Thomas: If I can handle prison for six months, I can handle this bullshit for two more months.

Hold up, like actual prison or just being with Kathryn? Maybe that random Facebook commenter was right and I do need to go back and watch the show from season 1.

Cameran is one of those white people who answers the phone with, Yello! and we promptly learn she was up all night with diarrhea. Gross. Shep goes to watch Craig turn in his application for the bar exam because hes so full of shit that nobody believes him unless they see it with their own eyes. Thats gotta hurt, Craig.

Shep rolls up to good ol Gentry HQ and asks Craig how business is doing. Craig starts talking about some BS I zoned out pretty quick listening to, something about a bourbon side and a hotel side of something.Damn, and youre not gonna let Landon get in on this bourbon business? Thats cold, Craig.

Craig has one more step to nail before he can take the bar, and if he doesnt complete it in time he wont be able to take the test. I feel a setup coming on

These guys are literally arguing over which type of adhesive Craig should use to affix his passport photos to his application.

Cameran meets up with Danni, the roast thief from the earlier episode, and another friend for lunch. One of their friends orders a sweet tea instead of wine and they all jump on her immediately to ask if shes pregnant. Like…a girl can’t order a damn sweet tea in the middle of the day without everyone assuming she’s got a bun in the oven? Cameron is SO OBVIOUSLY not ready to be a mother and these bitches wont leave her the fuck alone about it. Newsflash: This is 2016! Women can aspire to more nowadays than just being a mother. Leave Cameran alone!

Cameran has anxiety too, she reveals, and this show is becoming one giant therapy advertisement. Just goes to show you, money cant solve all your problems. Spinoff idea: What if they all go to the same therapist? Also, Cam’s friend is like, because thats totally a cure for a legitimate mental illness. WTF is wrong with you. What decade do these people live in.

Only 15 minutes in and my fingers are already tired from all this ranting. Gonna be a long episode. Also, wtf happened to Whitney? Is he still alive?

Its finally (almost) time for the flamingo party. Yay! Patricia will be photographing this party for her entertainment book whcih, Im sorry, Im definitely buying. They’re going to have a ros tower and idk what that is, but I know I want one. Patricia is explaining those champagne tower things where you pour the champagne in the top of the pyramid and it spills into all the ones at the bottom and is like, No its not. Its basically 3D beer pong without the balls. Just chill.

Wait ok the Gentry is a hotel?? I feel like an idiot but if they wouldve just explained this shit at the beginning we wouldnt be here. Anyway, Landon and Craig are prepping for the party and going to a spa.

Landon: Part of being a Southern belle is being well-kept, which makes you a good person.

Yeah, maybe on the outside. Im not convinced any of you except Cameran are good people on the inside. And maybeee Craig. He seems pretty earnest.

Craig is aiming for Gatsby-ish pink in terms of outfit color and Landon is like, Im sorry, bitch what? Don’t be over there acting like your Southern asses did not fucking invent salmon pink shorts as a menswear item. Yeah, you THOUGHT you could insult us Yankees.

Jennifer called Craig to let him know Kathryn literally made herself sick and is in the hospital, and he of course feels super bad for her. Meanwhile, Landon does not give one shit!

Landon: Ugh here we go with the drama. People go to the hospital every day. Calm the fuck down.

Okay, people also die everyday, does that make dying any less shitty?

Landon: Did she really almost die? Doubt it. TTYL, DGAF, going to the spa.

Jennifer tells Craig that Thomas didn’t visit Kathryn in the hospital. This detail is important later, so keep it in mind.

Landon: Im tired of Kathryn controlling and manipulating everyone with this child, Im not gonna be manipulated by this psychopath.

Landon literally thinks Kathryn got a slight headache and rushed to the ER. Not sure if this is warranted or not but I’m semi impressed by the fact that she can’t even pretend to be mildly concerned.

We see Kathryn and she explains she basically gave herself such high blood pressure that it affected the baby. IDK how you can personally know what your own blood pressure feels like unless youre constantly taking it, but ok.

Kathryn: All this baby and I need is a stable place to live in a not-stressful environment and if Thomas wont help me get a huge-ass house he doesnt deserve to be in my babys life as far as Im concerned.

Bonus round: Kathryn manipulates Thomas into helping her move, too.

Kathryn: Cosigning on this house is the least he could do for me at this point. YOU MEAN ASIDE FROM THE LIKE $2500 YOU GET A MONTH? YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT FROM LAST EPISODE, IM NOT A FUCKING IDIOT.

Back at Patricias house where shes still setting up for the flamingo party. God damn, they are milking it.

Patricia: I grew up in the 50s. Mothers wore dresses and high heels and had their hair and makeup done. Ive always maintained you have to put on the dog and try to ge as glamorous as you can.

IDK what putting on the dog means but thats gonna be my next getting ready Instagram caption.

Sligthly disappointed there are no real flamingos at this flamingo party. I was definitely holding out for some exotic birds to be present.

Thomas saying yeah, pop that is the most uncomfortable Ive been all evening, even if they are referring to a bottle of wine.

Thomas is setting Landon up with some dude with a ponytail who I feel like is probably her kryptonite since he seem like the type of dude whod call himself an artist, too. Landon also greets everyone with bonsoir. Can we fucking stop pretending we’re European?

Patricia has a fortune teller at her party. What a rager. I am very sad I did not get an invite. Patricia, if youre reading this, I can clean up really well and I wont get belligerent drunk, which is more than I can say of at least half your guests. Hook a girl up.

This is the first/most weve seen of Whitney in like, two weeks. Some girl said hi to Shep and called him babe and I can see the smoke coming out of Landons ears. OMG JUST HIT ON HIM ALREADY, THIS IS SO PATHETIC TO WATCH.

Craig got Patricia this gaudy flamingo-decorated martini glass and Patricia just HAS to drop that she has 18th-century porcelain. Calm down, Patricia, nobody doubts that you have class. You don’t need to be so ostentatious.

Whitney: Trying to watch Thomas flirt with girls is like trying to watch your horny drunk uncle.

YES. SPOT ON. Somebody give Whitney more screen time!

Cameran shows up poss wasted and with a huge flamingo hat. Cameran is me in college, committing to the theme so hard she doesn’t care if she looks ridiculous.

Five seconds into the party, and Shep is already naked and in the pool. Don’t you know this is a classy affair??

Craig confronts Thomas about Kathryns hospital visit and asks if he saw her. Thomas is likeand Craig is like *sips wine*

Shit-starting Jen may or may not be lying about Thomas not going to visit Kathryn. It’s about to get real.

Craig: One of the reasons Thomas hates Jen so much is because she was supposed to be the fun mistress and wasnt supposed to stick around and meddle in his affairs.

THE PLOT THICKENS. Who can we trust? Nobody, really. Everybodys conniving af. Except Cameran. Im really liking her. Can you tell?

Some girl Bailey asked Landon if she and Shep have ever fucked, or even kissed.

Landon: I’m not gonna lie, theres sometimes I wonder if Shep and I could be in a relationship but I dont wanna risk getting hurt.

Landon. OMG. You are more transparent than every Kardashian PR stunt ever. You clearly wonder ALL THE TIME if you and Shep could be in a relationship, why youre not, when hes going to wake up and realize youre the one for him

Shep gets his fortune told and the fortune teller is like and Sheps like and everyones like Shep is just making a bunch of thats what she said jokes like the mature gentleman he is. Landon, you picked a real winner.

The gay dude who visited Kathryn earlier in the first episode (idk his name, go cross-reference my other recap if you really care that much) pulls Patricia aside to be like

Patricia: I think its very unattractive that hes friends with Kathryn Dennis. Its very low-rent to me. (Yes, she actually used the words “low-rent.”)

Dude whose name I 100% forgot: Its very clear what Patricia sees in Kathryn that she doesnt like: she sees herself.

Patricia calls this dude a knockoff Truman Capote. I gotta say, the South has got their shit-talking on point.

Jen shows up and we already know its going to be good. Thomas is not pleased and calls her a piece of trash. HERE WE GO.

Thomas: Tell this chick Im going to throw her in the pool. JD: You dont need another assault charge, homie.

One things for sure: some type of confrontation is about to go down.

JD is talking about doing another polo match. Jen is likeaka,

Thomas is watching Jen talk to Elizabeth and JD and hes just seething over there. FWIW, Elizabeth seems like a very nice woman. Jen does not, really. Thomas pulls Jen aside.

Thomas: Craig told me you told him I didn’t see Kathryn in the hospital Jen: I meant you didnt stay overnight

Cut to: Jen definitely in plain English saying that Thomas wasnt there at all.

Then Jen criticizes Thomas for only being there for two hours. Like, splitting hairs much? Youre just looking for a reason to shit on him.

Jen: If Thomas is criticizing me for putting Kathryns health at risk, he needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and then go play in traffic.

Thomas: A blind person could see through these lies.

They have a lie vs. misunderstanding argument for like 30 seconds before Thomas tells Jennifer to fuck off.

Jennifer: Im the only friend Kathryn trusts. It would be nice if the father of her kids was the other one.

Thomas thinks its Jens mission in life to wreck his life and make him out to be the enemy.

Jen: Im torn between completely cussing him out and telling him how I really feel, or just feeling sorry for him because hes truly delusional.

AKA how I feel watching this show.

Jens like, and Thomas is like And I’m like:

Patricia is not going to like this argument. Very not luxe.

Just when you think punches are about to fly, they both walk away from the argument. Phew, dodged a bullet. Or like, an assault charge.

JD: Thomas and Kathryn have enough problems, Jennifer doesnt need to add to them. This dams gonna break.

Exciting news tidbit: Thomas pronounces water like wooder.

Whats the first thing Jennifer does after being accused of starting drama? She fucking calls Kathryn from the porch of Patricias house! Whitney is like because his mom has to fight his battles. Everybodys gathered to watch while acting like theyre too classy to watch. Jennifer leaves on her own accord, fuck this show for being anticlimactic AF. I wanted an eviction!

Jennifer: I know what Kathryns going through because now I’m the one nobody likes.

Thomas: I can take a lot. Imprisonment, false political allegations, but do not mess with my family. It’s only okay when I treat Kathryn like shit.

Jennifer leaves yelling and once again this show is so fucking anticlimactic! You built up this party for three fucking episodes and what did we get? A heated argument from which both adults walk away on their own accord, and not even one person gets thrown out? Give me some damn drama, give me a fucking cliffhanger! Come on, Bravo! Do better.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/southern-charm-recap-flamingo-ing-crazy/

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adambstingus · 7 years