Edward -> Èideard

hello dear friends! just letting you know that i have decided to try out the scots gaelic spelling of my name for a while to see if i prefer it to the english one. i deliberated about the matter for a long time before settling on edward but i have been Gazing Wistfully at the alternate spelling ever since then so i figured i may as well give it a chance given that i am as much scottish as i am english in all except physical location. in my accent the pronunciation is the same, and most of you call me ned anyway, so there will probably be very little change on the whole, but [vague gesture]. who am i to resist a little E with an accent

september 10 2019

god i cant take it anymore Im so tired of everything

having traumatic memories flow back through my head every fucking night??? Im fucking tired of it. I cant sleep anymore because either I go to bed crying & miserable, or I get no sleep/a couple hours each night so I dont have enough time to dream. Recently, every time Ive had a dream, it’s involved my ex & how she treated me. Every fucking night. I literally can’t sleep without crying & freaking out/self harming because I get scared of what repressed memory is going to reemerge in my dreams this time

Ive tried to block so many things, it’s been years, but every night for nearly 2 weeks anytime I sleep I dream of her, her calling me names, the things she would say to me, when she would get physical, her sexual assault against me. I can’t fucking do it anymore

Im so exhausted, Ive only gotten about a total of 8 hours total over the past 3 nights because either I cant sleep from being scared, or because I force myself to stay up.

she’s fucking ruined me, she abused me, I was used, yet all these years later, Im the one that continues to suffer from the thoughts and words she forced forever into my mind, while she got away completely scot free with no consequences, so she still continues to harm and manipulate people to this day because she got away with it when it came to me.

I feel like it’s all my fault and I should be the one trying to stop her, but I have no control, Im legally not allowed to have any contact with her. Im seen as the bad guy. Why? Because I reached out for help one too many times and the school thought it was annoying & clingy. They thought I was obsessive over her.

It’s not obsession. It’s called fucking trauma. It’s called being emotionally unstable because of abuse that I was never able to properly heal from. I was forced to move on quick and pretend it never happened so I could move on with my life, and in that period of my life I had no time to properly think over everything and heal, I had nobody to professionally talk to. Ive been denied therapy by the school and by my parents because they think therapists are ridiculous, that I don’t need one.

Im sorry, but I genuinely do think Im going to end up killing myself in the next 2 years, maybe even within a year if shit keeps spiraling downward like it has been. I need help. Im not trying to self diagnose here, but it almost feels like I have ptsd or something because I cant stop thinking about what she did.

Im not obsessed, I would know if I was. I dont think about her as in I miss her/want her back; no, not at all, I wish she wasn’t around anymore. I think of her everyday, multiple times a day, cry over her every night & stay up wide awake in fear because of her almost every night because of what she did to me. This is every fucking day. Every fucking night. I can’t get her out of my head. The same horrible experiences & verbal blows come back to me every day, and I can’t make it stop. Once it pops into my head, it’s there for hours, and it weighs me down severely.

I want to get better. Im tired of relapsing into my eating disorder over and over. I relapsed into it while I was dating her because of how miserable and emotionally strained I was, I relapsed after we broke up, and I relapsed again a few weeks ago ever since the memories & nightmares started flooding into my mind much at a greater extent than ever before. 

Im tired of relapsing into cutting. I started cutting only 8 months into our relationship because I had nobody to talk to, nothing was getting better, I felt helpless. I relapsed over and over the next couple years, it became an addiction, and now it’s becoming almost deadly. I relapsed in August when these memories started to pop up again and now everytime I get an urge when she comes into my mind, I go deeper and deeper. Im so tired of all this. 

I want to remember what she did to me so I can grow from the experience & help others who may go through similar situations since I have a large understanding of these types of abusive people;

but I also want to erase all memories I have of her. Everything. Even hearing her name or hearing certain words makes me think of specific situations in time & makes me have to leave class or put in earbuds to drown out any noise to try and distract myself. She’s ruined me, and it hurts even more knowing that she’s still doing this shit to other people, and getting away with it. She gets away with it because I’ve been told by my school that I need to keep my mouth shut & never talk about her. If someone is her friend or she talks to people, I have to stay away and just let it go. Meaning she could have another victim right now, someone exactly like me, who’s vulnerable & overly trusting, thinking she’ll be a good friend, and they’ll end up being hurt, insulted, used, treated like absolute fucking shit and they may start to self harm or contemplate suicide because of how negatively it effected them, just like it’s effected me. And that. Fucking. Horrifies me.

Knowing someone else could be in my exact position because of her is one of my worst fears. I dont steal her friends, but rather they usually come to me after a few months. Why do they come to me? Because they see her true side & are smart enough to get away while they still can, because she’s told everyone she could about how she thinks Im the bad guy because I came out about my abuse, so logically when they see her true abusive nature, they come to me to see if I really am what she’s described me as, or if it was all just lies, just like her supposed goodie-two shoes mask was all a lie to cover up her true deceiving manipulative personality.

I can only look forward to the day when she leaves this town and has nothing left, or the day when finally the consequences finally come around and ruin everything she has, so she feels the torture and suffering Ive silently been going through for 5 fucking years. Im not religious, but I pray God have the tiniest bit of mercy left on her fucking soul when her time comes around, because she’s going to need a miracle to get into any kind of heaven with the things she’s done to the dozens of people she hurt.