#don't worry it gets worse from here
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死鬼祭 | Shiki Matsuri
fandom: tokyo revengers
characters: kurokawa izana, kakucho, haitani ran, haitani rindou, madarame shion
pairings: tenjiku x female reader
cw: blood, violence, minor character death, supernatural elements, she/her pronouns used for reader
tags: @akemiixx01
—✧ SUMMARY ✧—
The villagers say that you cursed them all. You believe that they were the ones who cursed you. (Or, in which the circumstances of your unfortunate birth woke a forgotten, slumbering god.)
Very vague depictions of the supernatural here, and a few cameos of specific yokai if you can spot them! Title is based off of a song by KODOKULOVE! More characters may be added as the story progresses.
Read on AO3
Read Chapter One | Read Chapter Two | Read Chapter Three
CHAPTER 肆 FOUR
“Damn, there’s even more of these fuckers around than before,” Ran said as he cleansed the shrine grounds. “Hey, princess— my beloved little bro’s training been paying off yet?”
“Fuck off,” Rindou grumbled from where he sat next to you on the engawa as usual. He clicked his tongue and pointed at the slip of paper you were writing on. “You missed a stroke there. And here— the kanji is wrong.”
“Not again,” you groaned, dropping your brush with an exasperated sigh. Your fingers were already stained dark with splotches of calligraphy ink. “Who decided to come up with this many characters? And look, they’re practically the same, too!”
“Yeah, keep saying that. Just don’t come crying to me when it doesn’t work.”
“C’mon, Rin— don’t be so harsh on her,” Ran said, dusting his hands off and making his way back to the two of you. “Anyways, I’m done. If any more come back, though, you’re handlin’ it. I’m gonna take a nap.” Before either of you could say anything, he plopped down by your side and stretched himself across your lap like a cat. With a contented hum, he let his cheek rest against your thigh and closed his eyes.
Rindou’s brow twitched. “Get off her, you lazy asshole.”
“Nope.”
“It’s okay,” you interjected with a little laugh. “I don’t mind, really. Besides, I think I need a break. We’ve been writing all day.”
Ran cracked open one purple eye. “Yeah, Rin. Let’s have a break.”
“Ugh, fine. Whatever.”
Rindou moved to gather up the papers and stand, but you stopped him by placing a hand on his arm. He glanced over at you with an incredulous expression as you lay down yourself, tugging him down together with you. “Hey—”
“I say we all have a nap,” you announced, beaming brightly. “Izana can’t be mad at all of us, can he?”
“He sure can,” Rindou muttered, but found himself settling down by your side all the same. “C’mere, the floor is hard. You’ll get a headache if you sleep on it for too long.” He shifted your head so that you lay against his shoulder—and at the same time, Ran moved off your lap, wriggling his way up your side and wrapping his arms around your waist.
“The fuck are you doing?” Rindou snapped.
“You’re gettin’ too close. At least lemme have a bit, too.”
“Shut up, you guys,” you grumbled, but you couldn’t stop the giggle bubbling up. “Stop arguing and sleep.”
When Izana returned later that day, he found the three of you still curled up and fast asleep in a tangled mess of limbs—with both Ran and Rindou each clutching one of your hands. He smiled, as he usually did, and as he passed by bent down to brush a few strands of hair out of your eyes made a mental note to assign both brothers to housecleaning for the rest of the week.
—✧—
Kakucho steeled his expression when he and Izana entered town together—for him, the first time in a couple of weeks, as Izana had deliberately prevented him from going. Yet, from the state of the village, he could have been convinced that another hundred years had gone by.
What had originally been a flock of malevolent spirits scattered between buildings and people had melted together into a thick, oozing miasma that stretched over nearly the entire area, like if fog had solidified and turned black. The villagers could not see any of it, of course—but the negative atmosphere was palpable. People argued. Children cried. The rest wore a haggard, exhausted imitation of what their faces used to be. Not even a single bird dared to perch on any rooftops.
“You’re concerned,” Izana said, matter-of-factly like he was merely stating the weather. There was no sense in debating it, so Kakucho simply shrugged his shoulders in half-hearted affirmation. Izana’s white eyelashes fluttered as he smiled.
“Don’t worry. She’ll understand,” he said, stepping into the village and breezing past wretched person after wretched person without sparing them a second glance. Kakucho trailed behind him with his mouth firmly shut. “Even if she doesn’t, she will not have a choice. This place is beyond saving.”
Was it? The black-haired subordinate could not help but think back on his master’s previous actions: how he never allowed any of them to cleanse the village; how he never permitted more than one person to patrol the area without him; how he purposefully allowed your tormentors to live; how in spite of his over-protectiveness and constant watchful eye, he never warned you against going back into town until you were violently driven out yourself. He thought about Rindou’s words and how you finally started to trust them, even after all that you went through. His stomach twisted inside-out. Of course, even without having to look at him, Izana noticed.
“I normally don’t appreciate weakness,” the god said. “Especially not at this crucial moment. But, you know, I’m glad. That you care about her so much.”
Purple eyes caught Kakucho’s startled gaze. “I’ve known you ever since we both came to be,” he continued. “Together we learned about the cruelty of selfish humans and the world—yet your heart is still as soft as it was the day you were born. What is yours is mine and what is mine is yours, too. Don’t forget it.”
With that, Izana entered one of the village homes. Kakucho followed instinctively, and it was only when he heard the telltale sound of weeping that he realised where they were. Hunched over the unconscious form of a familiar young man was his equally familiar mother, crying without end. He lay deathly still upon a worn futon.
Kakucho knew right then what Izana wanted him to do.
What is mine is yours.
Your smiling face flashed to his mind—the last living person who held Izana’s heart in her hands. The heart that had been crushed into dust and left to rot over centuries. Without any more hesitation, Kakucho reached into the young man’s chest, gripped that weakly beating organ, and squeezed.
Black ink bubbled up from the corners of his lips, parted to let out one last breath. Out poured more of the putrid liquid, streaming from every orifice: his ears, nose, and eyes, forming a gaping shadow on the floor reminiscent of your mother’s death.
—✧—
Unbeknownst to you, the first stone had fallen. (But in Izana’s eyes, that stone had already tumbled into motion centuries ago.)
It arrived at your doorstep in the form of a loud commotion: a litany of hushed, frantic voices, intercepted in-between by shrieking wails of blood-curdling anguish. Terrified, you found yourself huddled inside of your room once more, mind looping with blurred memories. Shion was pacing irritably in front of the closed door; the second you saw him materialize out of his spiritual form, cracking his knuckles with a feral grin and a bloodthirsty glint in his eyes, you had dragged him inside with you before he could even protest. (Why the others had left him alone with you again, you did not know—although you had an inkling that perhaps they felt he was not competent enough to join them on more important missions.)
“Lemme at ‘em,” Shion growled, a prominent vein bulging from the side of his half-shaved head. “I’ll teach ‘em not to mess with us.”
“No,” you snapped. “No. Pretend we’re not home and they… they might leave. Or at least, buy us some time before Izana and the others make it back home…”
“Why? Why do I gotta wait for ‘em?!”
“Because you’re gonna turn this place into a bloodbath!”
“So? They’d do it too. That’s the fuckin’ point—”
“Yeah, but you would find a way to make it so much worse—”
Your argument was cut off abruptly by the voices outside, now close enough that you could distinguish what exactly they were saying.
“Please!” A voice you instantly recognized pierced you right through the chest. “Please, my son— Please do something, I’m begging you—”
“Ma’am, it’s dangerous! Come home!”
“There’s nothing that witch can do! He’s already dead…!”
In an instant, you were on your feet and pushing Shion aside. He gaped at you, stuck in place with a dumbfounded expression as you shoved open the fusama and ran to the shrine entrance. A beat later, he was chasing after you, shouting in confusion. “[Name], what the fuck?!”
Your response was to whirl around and slam your hand against his chest. Shion only had half a second to glance down at a piece of paper, which had adhered itself to his body, before an electric jolt paralyzed him from head-to-toe and he collapsed to the floor. One of Rindou’s talismans, he thought as he convulsed in place, glazed eyes only able to stare at the ceiling. Unable to move, he listened your footsteps recede. Bastard.
By the time you made it to the entrance, the villagers had already given up on holding the grieving mother back—and when you emerged from behind the door, they cowered and fled. The woman threw herself at your feet, her face a mess of tears and snot, hands curled like claws around your ankles. You crouched down hesitantly, leaning in as close as you could so that you could decipher her through her sobbing.
“Please,” she cried. “Please bring him back! I am sorry for everything we have done! Just please… give him back to me. I have no one left. I am all alone…”
I am all alone.
Your feeble heart shattered and as best as you could, you wrapped your arms around her while she wept into the dirt at your feet. There was nothing else you could do, for even a god such as Izana could not bring the dead back to life. You wondered about the remaining teenagers back at the village; you had not seen any of them during the last time you visited, and shuddered at the memory of Ran’s coldhearted yet gleeful retelling of their injuries. Were they near death, too? Would they be next? How many more people would break just like this, finding themselves at your home and begging desperately for a forgiveness that you still were unable to grant?
“Please, say something,” the woman said, lifting her head to look at your stricken expression. “I will do anything to save him. Please tell me there is something you can do…”
You swallowed. “Ma’am,” you breathed out, forcing yourself to remain steady. “I… I’m not a witch, nor a healer. There is nothing I can do for your son. I’m sorry.”
“No,” she rasped, eyes wild. “No, you’re lying.”
With a growing pit in your stomach, you realised where this conversation was heading yet again. You attempted to wriggle your way out of her grip, still locked like a vice around your ankles. “I’m not,” you protested, trying not to panic. “I’m not lying—”
The relief when she let go was fleeting; you had no time to react when she launched herself at you, shaking you viciously by the shoulders. The force of it sent you careening to the ground, landing you flat on your back and knocking the wind from your lungs.
“You’re lying!” she screeched, spittle flying from her cracked lips, tinged with black. “I’ve seen those ghosts creeping about your shrine! You have been communing with demons, haven’t you?! Give him back! Give my son back!”
This time, both of her bony hands wrapped around your throat. You wheezed, nails scrabbling at her wrists, legs kicking out from beneath you as your vision began to grow spotty. Her shouting grew muffled as your ears began to ring—but it wasn’t just her voice anymore. Your eyes flew open in horror, all the while gasping for air, just in time to witness the first few trickles of a dark substance leaking from the corners of her mouth. Then her ears, her nose, her eyes—and with a distorted cry, it all rushed out of her at once, engulfing you both in a twisting mass that threatened to permeate your own body.
Why did you think you could fix things? Why did you think you could do this alone? Why did you think that there was even hope for them to be saved? Now, because of your own stupidity, you were going to die, and without your belief to keep them going, Izana and the rest of his followers would die, too—
“Tch, tell Rindou that his stupid talismans ain’t SHIT!”
The black smoke surrounding you burst like a bubble, scattering blobs of goo in every direction. Sweet, sweet air poured into your airways as you were abruptly released. One of your hands grasped your aching neck while you coughed and gasped, the other bracing yourself on the ground. In front of you stood Shion, cracking his neck and rolling his shoulders, a look of pure fury on his face. And, writhing several meters in front of Shion was the grotesque form of the village woman, now completely covered with a ghastly, laughing mess of demonic spirits.
“I’ll get back atcha for doin’ that, you bitch,” Shion grumbled, turning his head briefly to glare at you over his shoulder, but his words lacked any real sort of venom. With that he turned back around and stalked toward the demons, whose attention was now focused entirely on him. Then, he was onto them.
Shion did not fight like Ran, who moved with a conscious elegance and grace like he were putting on a performance. He did not fight like Rindou, whose form was stable and practiced to perfection. Instead he was like a wild animal, all vicious teeth and claws, ripping through each entity as if they were nothing but rice paper. You watched, wide-eyed and frozen in place, while Shion tore his way through the horde until only the villager remained—still tearfully wailing into the forest, tongue black and dripping liquid soot. He spared you one more glance with burning eyes, only for his brows to furrow and his rage to shift into something else: softer, more muted. Don’t look.
But you did look. Maybe it was the guilt gnawing away at your insides, or maybe you were too enraptured by the sight, or maybe your brain was still struggling to process everything in anything other than slow-motion. Whatever the reason, you watched as Shion plunged one hand down the woman’s gaping mouth, her jaw snapping further open as his entire arm vanished up to his shoulder. Several long, agonising seconds passed before he appeared to grip something—then pulled. With a horrific spray of dark liquid, both blood and enigma combined, Shion yanked her still-beating heart right out of her body. Around it curled a demon, clutching the dripping organ in the imitation of a warm embrace.
“My son,” it gurgled, before Shion crushed it into nothingness.
A heavy silence fell upon the woods. When he appeared by your side next, a bloody hand reached for your face—but quickly recoiling in realisation and awkwardly offering the sleeve of his yukata instead. The fabric brushed against your wet cheeks. You did not know you had been crying.
—✧—
“Can’t believe fuckin’ Shion out of all people saved the day,” Ran bemoaned. “All ‘cause we weren’t home for what, one fuckin’ hour? D’ya think Izana did it on purpose?!”
“That’s what you’re upset about?” Rindou shot him a glare.
“Shut up, Rin. You’re the one who’s mad he didn’t get to see our little [Name] use his talisman on the buffoon.”
“Look, I’m not mad. I just wish I could have seen it in person.”
“Maybe we could ask her to do it again?”
Both brothers glanced over at you, sandwiched between the two of them at your usual spot. But you gave no sign that you were even listening, eyes staring blankly ahead as you sipped a cup of tea. Ever since that incident, the men had been staying home more often than not; instead, Izana, sometimes accompanied by Kakucho, was the one who was absent in their stead. In fact, you had not seen the shrine god in quite some time—not after the evening he spoke with you in private.
“It’s been a while since we’ve last talked like this,” Izana murmured. He was laying on his side next to your futon, one hand propping his chin up and the other stroking your hair. “I take it you’ve been enjoying the company of my servants, however.”
You studied his face through sleepy, half-lidded eyes and slowly nodded. Izana smiled, as he always did, but this time it was tinged with the faintest melancholy. He pinched a lock of hair between two fingers, rubbing them together before letting them fall against your cheek. Purple eyes traced every little movement.
“Soon,” he said, voice gentle like a sweet lullaby. “Soon, the sun will rise… but only after the storm has passed.”
“I don’t understand,” you whispered. “What are you doing…? What are you trying to do?”
“When the time is right, I will tell you, little one. Just know that I am doing it all for you. And for us.”
Izana really was beautiful, you thought to yourself; the moonlight shining through the window illuminated his white hair and lashes with an ethereal glow. In moments like these, he truly embodied the image of a deity. Yet…
“I thought that gods and spirits were different from us,” you admitted quietly. “But now, I think… I think that you’re all just another kind of human.”
“In any other situation, I would be offended,” he said with a small laugh, “but coming from you? I can be convinced to take it as a compliment.” As he spoke, his fingers drifted to your mouth, thumb swiping across your bottom lip. When he leaned in, your eyes fluttered shut.
You awoke to an empty room with the taste of plum sake on your lips.
#tokyo revengers x reader#tkrv x reader#tenjiku x reader#kurokawa izana x reader#kakucho x reader#haitani ran x reader#haitani rindou x reader#madarame shion x reader#IF WAKUI WON'T GIVE MY BBYGWORL SHION THE CHANCE TO SHINE THEN I WILL!!!#don't worry it gets worse from here#im almost done w chapter 5 but i've already written chapter 6#chapter 5 is the calm before the storm#but chapter 6 will be brutal
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Be In My Eyes - Chapter 27
You can read the previous chapters here or on AO3.
Trigger Warnings: Canon typical violence, mentions of abusive relationships, domestic violence toward children, theft, and murder.
Rating change: This fanfic will be rated Mature from this point forward.
Summary: After Keyleth is taken by Kashaw, Vax starts spiraling. He gets into action to protect Keyleth, and later they exchange heartbreaking stories.
Keyleth was gone. She ran away. Vax had been so sure it would work after she practically poured her heart out with her song. Maybe answering her call had been a mistake. Maybe he had misinterpreted it? No. It couldn’t be. Keyleth had smiled at him when he sang those damn words to her. He saw the fire and wanting in her eyes. Vax couldn’t have been wrong. Keyleth wouldn’t have sung that song if she wasn’t testing him or setting a bait for him to answer, and like a damn sailor lost at sea, Vax had followed her voice and gave himself to her (and in front of everyone, too). And she ran away. Why?
Someone stepped in front of Vax, but his blurred vision did not allow him to see more than yellow, gray and dark colors. “Vax, are you okay?” One of the figures said. Vax recognized that voice. “Vax?” A different voice called him. They were both females, soft, concerned voices, but neither was the voice Vax needed to hear the most at that moment. “Come on,” The first voice said, and Vax felt someone pull him. He didn’t see where they were taking him because his eyes were still glazed with fear that he had done something wrong (again), that he had ruined everything (again), that he had pushed away the person he loved the most (again, again, again).
You’re useless. You’ll never amount to anything. Who would want the son of a seamstress who allowed herself to get knocked up? Stupid. You are stupid and useless, like your mother was, Vax’ildan.
“No,” Vax’s voice was hoarse.
“What?” Vex’ahlia. That’s who it was, the first female voice, the blur of yellow and gray. “Vax, what happened?” Her hands were on his cheeks, warm and calloused from years of labor and archery. His sister. Vax had failed her, too. He had failed her like he failed their mother. He had ruined everything for her, too. “For fucks sake, Vax’ildan,” She was angry at him, as she should be. Did Vex’ahlia know what he had done for her? Did Vex know about the blood that soaked his hands? She couldn’t know. She would never know what Vax had done to save her from that monster.
Vex’ahlia let go of her brother’s face. The warmth of her touch evaporated like a droplet of water falling on hot coals, and then came the sting and a different kind of heat. “What the fuck,” Vax heard someone say behind them. Another hit, another sting. “Vex!” Another voice.
“Snap out of it, brother,” Vex’ahlia yelled above the music. Vax tried to follow the sound of her voice. The sting was vanishing as fast as her warmth had, pulling him with it. They had gone through the motions of this ritual too many times in their lives to count. Day after day, night after night, when Vax’s demons flared and took over his soul. He hated them. He hated their strong grip, dripping black ichor over his heart, coating it with pain and darkness and death. So much death.
Vax’ildan saw his sister’s face when he closed his eyes, then his mother, Elaina, the baby he left behind in the hands of that monster, and lastly Keyleth with a blinding halo of radiant light around her. She had run away. He had come for her, and she had run. Why? He demanded to know. As if the gods had heard him, his sisters’ faces in the darkness vanished, and then his mother, leaving only Keyleth’s visage. Vax reached forward, trying to hold on to her, but she ran away—even in his mind, she ran away—leaving only that blinding light that twisted and turned until it became a golden thread that wrapped around his wrist. Vax raised his hand to examine it and pulled at the string that floated in the ether. It didn’t budge. It was tied around his skin, even though there were no knots. Vax felt another tug—not his—and when he turned his face in its direction, he recognized the woman with long dark hair and a face as pale as the moon that held the other end of the golden thread. She beckoned him silently, crooking a finger, tugging on that golden thread that floated from his wrist. Vax’ildan followed.
“She’s in danger,” A pure crystalline voice said, coming from both the woman and the darkness surrounding them.
“I can’t save her. I couldn’t save them, and I can’t save her.”
A cold hand caressed Vax’s face, “You did your best. You saved them as best as you could, and you will save her.”
“I can’t. Please, you have to understand. I can’t save her.” Vax begged. He would have gotten on his knees if he could.
“Vax’ildan,” The woman’s eyes burned with a raging fire. A slap, a new sting. “Go, now!” She tugged on the string again and Vax felt himself fall, and fall, and fall, and just when he thought he would be falling forever, a fourth slap hit him with the strength of a mighty giant.
Vax opened his eyes. He felt a warm liquid in his mouth that tasted like copper. Grog stared at him worried, hand lifted for another slap if needed. On his left, Vex’ahlia sighed and Vax let his eyes follow as she allowed herself to fall into a seating position on the table. On Grog’s right, Pike groaned in relief. Other faces were surrounding them, all concerned, but no one spoke until a white-haired man stood by Vax’s sister, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance, and said, “I don’t know what the fuck that was or what happened, but Keyleth is gone and we can’t find her, so get your shit together, Vax’ildan.”
“What do you mean?” Vax asked hoarsely. His hands came up to rub at his sore cheeks—the last slap was still stinging—as he looked from face to face. All his friends were wearing their coats, gloves and scarves.
“We looked everywhere,” Scanlan said, next to Pike. “Keyleth is not in the bar anymore, not even in the bathroom.”
Vax’s heart skipped a beat. What had happened to make her run away? What happened after? The same dread from earlier wrapped around his chest, tightening with each second, each word his friends spoke. When Vax thought it couldn’t get worse, Vex’ahlia raised her head from her hands with a panic in her eyes that Vax hadn’t seen since Saundor. “Kash is—” Vax didn’t let his sister finish the sentence before he was on his feet with his leather jacket in his hands.
Vax flew out of the alcove. He ran down the stairs as fast as his legs allowed him, jumping steps and pushing people aside. The jacket was on before he reached the landing, Keyleth’s scent still lingering on the interior of the fake leather jacket. Vax whipped his head to the counter, where he saw Gilmore surrounded by patrons—alone. He didn’t wait for his friends to follow. He didn’t care if they did or not. The woman’s warning rang in his ears, and the image of his knife where he left it on his nightstand flashed in his mind. He was an idiot to have left it behind. The only time he did…he was useless and powerless, just like all those years ago, just like that night.
—
It was raining again. It was the third night in a row that Vax’ildan, Vex’ahlia and their puppy, Trinket, had to sleep huddled together behind a trash can. Vax had made sure to open and adjust the lid to provide them with some shelter from the rain, but even that wasn’t enough to stop them from getting drenched and cold. Vex’ahlia was sound asleep by Vax’s side, holding the puppy to her chest inside her damp shirt in a lousy attempt to keep them both warm. Her breathing was shallow enough that Vax knew she wouldn’t wake up anytime soon. At least one of them was getting some rest.
The pattering of the rain on the alleyway was so loud and annoying, and even though Vax had barely drunk any water that day, it still made him feel like he had to pee every hour. He had been holding for a while, but a burst of pain shot through his bladder, forcing Vax to go relieve himself, so he stepped away from Vex, carefully so he wouldn’t wake her up, and crossed to the walled end of the alley. He was even more drenched by the time he zipped up and buckled his belt, the only thing keeping his loose pants from falling to his ankles.
“One more step and she dies.”
Vax stopped in his tracks. He hadn’t heard them because of the loud rain. He hadn’t felt them lurking in the shadows, watching him and his twin, and now a hooded figure held his sister to his chest with a sharp knife against her neck.
“You don’t want to do that,” Vax threatened. He canvassed his surroundings from the corner of his eyes. Another figure stood at the open end of the alleyway holding a knife. He could probably defeat two of them with his bare hands if it wasn’t for the fact that a dark liquid started dripping on Vex’s neck. Shit.
“Oh yeah? And what are you going to do?” The male voice asked.
Nothing. Vax couldn’t do a single thing to stop them. He had nothing but his hands and he wouldn’t risk fighting hand-to-hand with his sister’s life in danger. So Vax did the only thing he could do. He lifted his hands so the assailants knew he was submitting and took a tentative step back.
“That’s what I thought. Where’s your money?”
“We don’t have any money,” Vax tried to lie. They didn’t buy it. More blood started dripping down Vex’s neck, mixing with the dampness on her shirt. The man asked again, threatening to slit her neck. “That bag over there,” Vax pointed with his chin to his backpack where he had left it by the trash can.
The second figure ran to it and opened it. They turned it upside down, sprawling all Vax’s clothes and belongings on the dirty, muddy ground, until a satchel fell, the clink of coins muffled by the rain, just like the two assailants’ steps had been. They grabbed it and moved back, just as silent as they had been.
“You’re in our city, so if you want to sleep on our streets, you have to pay up. Consider this a warning,” The first figure threatened, releasing Vex’ahlia with a shove that made her fall face-first on the floor. Trinket ran to her and licked her face, barking at the man who was stalking back, still facing them, the bloody knife dripping on the ground as he went. They were gone in the blink of an eye, just as quietly as they had appeared.
—
It didn't take Vax two steps out the door for him to realize that he had no idea which direction Keyleth could have gone—which direction Kashaw took her. Vax would never forgive himself if something happened to Keyleth, and he would surely not let Kash live to see another day if he touched a hair on Keyleth’s head. Vax looked to both sides of the empty, snow-blanketed road and held his breath trying to listen for any signs of life nearby. The only sound he heard was the creak of the door opening behind him and rushed steps coming out.
“Vax?” It was Percy, bundled in a thick jacket and scarf. It was so cold and Keyleth was only wearing his t-shirt. She had to be freezing.
“Percy, I—”
“It’s okay. Go left, I’ll go right. Call me if you find her. The others are staying at the bar in case she returns.”
Vax nodded and they each took a side. For a large city, and for being located so close to the university, the neighborhood was quiet and peaceful. Vax passed by several closed stores—from bookstores to boutiques, and even a butcher—and a handful of dimly-lit windows on the residential buildings above. There were no alleyways between the buildings, at least not until Vax reached the end of the block. He stopped, walking quietly, trying to listen as he approached the dark alley—and good thing he did.
A hushed male voice that Vax’ildan knew belonged to Kashaw was speaking incoherently. Vax couldn’t decipher what he was saying, but he heard sniffles and Keyleth’s shaky voice saying something incomprehensible. Vax ran, his blood boiling with rage. Please don’t let her be hurt. Please, Gods. Please don’t let him hurt her.
Vax’s heart stopped when he turned a corner. Kashaw braced himself with one hand on the brick wall behind Keyleth and the other hand was gripping her jaw on her neck as he kissed her. Kash was kissing Keyleth.
“Get the fuck away from her,” Vax growled. He grasped the neckline of Kash’s ridiculous gladiator outfit, pulled him away from Keyleth, and threw him against the wall on the opposite side of the alley. Vax was on him in a heartbeat, his closed fist meeting Kashaw’s jaw. The man was so stunned that Vax was able to land two punches before Kash pushed Vax away and tried to kick him, but unlucky for him, Vax was too fast and evaded him.
“You get the fuck away, I saw her first,” Kash spit blood on the ground between them. He lunged at Vax, managing to land a punch on his stomach, making him double over in pain and spit on the ground.
“Vax, no!” Keyleth cried. Vax couldn’t afford to look back at her. Any distraction could be his end. He lunged back at Kash, kicking him against the wall. The man’s head hit the brick with a crack and Kash cursed between his teeth. Vax took his rival’s moment of distraction to pin his wrists above his head and leaned in until their breaths mixed. Kash reeked of alcohol.
“She doesn’t want anything to do with you,” Vax spat.
“Then why did she go out with me? Do you really think she would ever love a guy like you? Do you think anyone would?”
Kas was torturing him. He knew Vax had feelings for Keyleth, and he was torturing him since he couldn’t land a physical blow. You’re better than this, Vax told himself, trying to douse the flame of rage.
Who would want the son of a seamstress? You are stupid and useless like your mother was.
Kashaw was right. Vax’s father was right. Vax was no one. He was nothing but vermin. No one could ever love him. He had been delusional if he thought someone like Keyleth would ever look at him. But Kashaw wasn’t much better than him, not after what he did to Keyleth.
“Let him go, Vax,” Keyleth asked. Vax still couldn’t turn his head. He couldn’t bear to look at Keyleth and see whatever damage Kash had done to her. “Please.”
Vax released his grip on Kashaw, but his face was still hovering above the other man’s as he spoke with a deadly voice, “I’m only letting you go because she asked me, but if you so much as look at her again, I will kill you.” Vax took two steps back. Kash must have seen the severity in Vax’s eyes, for his mismatched eyes were filled with fear. He nodded and left, not bothering to glance back at Keyleth.
Only when the sounds of Kash’s steps had subsided did Vax turn around. Keyleth was sitting on the ground, hyperventilating with her knees pulled to her chest. Vax ran and squatted in front of her, but before he could open his mouth, Keyleth looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She had dark streaks from the eyeliner running down her cheeks, and her lip was swollen and bleeding slightly from a small cut, but other than that, she looked untouched. Keyleth grasped Vax by the lapel of his jacket and pulled him. His knees rang with pain as they hit the hard ground on each side of Keyleth’s legs, but then his nose filled with the scent of her shampoo when she crossed her arms around his torso and cried on his chest.
“Okay?” Vax asked, kissing the top of her head and rubbing the hair on her back. Keyleth nodded. She forced her breaths to follow Vax’s heartbeat—Vax almost stopped breathing when he realized Keyleth was doing that—and eventually, Keyleth calmed down, although she was still shaking.
“Here,” Vax took off the jacket. Keyleth broke away just long enough for him to help her put it on and hugged him again. “Everyone’s worried sick about you, Kiki.”
“Sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for, love.”
Keyleth nuzzled further into his chest and released a wet chuckle. Things had been different for a while with Keyleth, but his father and Kashaw were still right. No one would ever love someone like Vax. Whatever was going on between him and Keyleth, it was bound to end, but Vax still tried to enjoy every moment he had until Keyleth saw the truth about him and left like everyone else did.
“I want to go home,” Keyleth asked after a while. Vax nodded. He helped her up, fixed her hair by tucking a few evading strands behind her ear, and held out his hand in invitation. Keyleth took it without a second thought, and they left the alleyway.
“Shit, I should call Percy,” Vax let go of Keyleth’s hand just long enough to dial his roommate’s number and then immediately grabbed it again. He saw the slight curl of her lips as he laced his fingers with hers, ignoring the pain shooting from his split knuckles. Keyleth’s hand was still cold. In fact, she looked like she was still freezing without a scarf and gloves, so Vax slid both their hands inside the pocket of his jacket and nodded at her to do the same with the other hand. It was a bit awkward, but it worked.
“Did you find her?” Percy asked as a way of greeting when he answered the call.
“Yeah, I got her.”
“Is she alright? Please tell me that fucker didn’t hurt her.”
“She’s okay, a bit shaken up. We’re on our way back.”
“I’m outside. I’ll wait.” Percy said.
Vax looked ahead, and just as he had mentioned, Percy was outside the bar, one hand deep inside his jacket and the other holding his phone. He hung up as soon as he saw them and ran towards Keyleth, grabbing her by the shoulders. Percy winced at the sight of her split lip and pulled Keyleth into a hug. Vax stood back to watch, having let go of Keyleth’s hand.
“Are you okay?” Percy asked her.
“Yeah.”
“That fucker. I’m going to kill him.”
“Men,” Keyleth shook her head disapprovingly. “Vax already took care of that.”
Percy looked over to Vax, who shrugged and replied, “I’m pretty sure I broke his nose. Let’s just say he’ll be running with his tail between his legs next time he sees Keyleth.”
Percy nodded, “Thanks.”
“You two are insufferable,” Keyleth complained, rolling her eyes, but Vax still saw the smile.
“What did he do to you?” Percy asked, carefully moving her jaw so he could see her lip better in the light.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Percy. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow. Now I just want to go home and get warm.”
“Alright, tomorrow then. Do you want me to walk you home?”
“I got it,” Vax approached, placing a hand between Keyleth’s shoulder blades.
“A word in private, please?” Percy asked his roommate. Vax nodded and they stepped away enough for Keyleth to still be in sight but not be able to hear them.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you two, but I’m trusting you with her life. Make sure she gets home safe, or you’ll be the one with a broken nose, got it?”
For the first time since they met, Percy gave Vax a look that made him want to run for the hills, screaming like a little girl. With a name like his, Vax knew his roommate had to have money and status, which meant he could also probably find someone to kill him if he stepped out of line. However, Vax couldn’t afford to let his friend know he had gotten to him, so he schooled his expression into a bored look and replied, “I would let myself get killed before anyone laid a finger on her.”
Percy’s eyes softened, seemingly happy with Vax’s answer. He moved to turn back to Keyleth, but Vax grabbed his arm. “Oh, and Freddie, I’m trusting you with my sister’s life. You better bring her home in one piece otherwise you’ll get a fate much worse than Kashaw’s. You know what I keep under my pillow, right?”
“Yeah, I know. She’s safe with me.”
“Good. I’d hate to get a new roommate in the middle of the school year.”
“Are you boys done with your pissing contest?” Keyleth asked when they returned.
“You’ve been spending too much time with my sister, Kiki.” Vax teased, grabbing Keyleth’s hand. He wasn’t sure if Percy had seen the gesture because the man was already pulling Keyleth into a hug and kissing her forehead.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Go take care of that and get some sleep.” Keyleth nodded in response and started leaving, dragging Vax behind.
“Make sure you let everyone know Keyleth is safe,” Vax said above his shoulder. “And tell Shaun I’ll call him tomorrow to let him know what happened.”
—
Vax didn’t let go of Keyleth’s hand for a second. They walked in silence for the most part, only stopping to comment on the few decorations that were starting to pop up on storefronts. Keyleth had noticed the redness from the cuts on Vax’s knuckles from punching Kashaw so hard. She had never been more scared—not for her, but for Vax. Kashaw was drunk and he looked violent enough to hurt Vax really bad. She knew Vax had some knowledge of fighting, but seeing him in action… Vax had been so fast she hadn’t even been able to keep up with his movements and so strong that Keyleth had no doubt Kash would be bleeding from hitting his head on the wall, but, at the same time, it looked like Vax had been pulling back punches, like he could do more—worse.
“Thank you for tonight,” Keyleth said when the first lights of campus appeared around a corner. It was becoming a habit to have Vax come to rescue her. Maybe he was indeed her knight.
“As if…” Vax shrugged dismissively. Keyleth looked at him. “Did you really think I was going to let anything bad happen to you?” Keyleth smiled and bumped against him, chuckling.
Keyleth and Vax were greeted with a wave of warmth once they opened the apartment door, and then a woof and a warm, wet nose poked their hands.
“Hey buddy,” Vax greeted the dog. “I see they finally turned on the heat.”
“It was about time,” Keyleth groaned, taking off Vax’s jacket and hanging it by the door. They removed their shoes and ignored the messy bundle of blankets on the couch. What Vex didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, and Trinket was usually pretty good about obeying the no-couch rules. One time wasn’t all the time.
“I’m going to change into something more comfortable. I’ll give you your shirt back after washing it, I promise.”
“You can keep it,” Vax said. He was still untying his boots by the door, so he didn’t see the shock on Keyleth’s face.
“It’s your favorite,” She argued. Vax shrugged. “No. I’m not taking it, Vax. I’ll give it back after I wash it.”
“Fine,” He said, shrugging again. “I’m going to change and grab the first aid kit. I’ll meet you in your room to take care of that lip.”
“I’m fi—” Keyleth was about to say, but one look at Vax and she backed away (not scared—never scared of him—but with respect). “Fine, but you have to let me take care of your hand,” She challenged him back.
Vax looked down at his fist and shrugged. “As long as you let me take care of you, I’ll let you take care of me, Kiki,” he said, stopping to kiss Keyleth’s cheek as he walked towards his bedroom.
Keyleth had just finished putting on a t-shirt when Vax knocked on the door. Now that the maintenance had finally turned on the heat, and with Keyleth’s comforter and fuzzy blanket, she didn’t need to bring out her warmest pajama sets. Although she loved them, Keyleth hated sleeping in lots of clothes because sometimes they made her feel trapped and wake up with shortness of breath.
“That looks cute,” Vax smiled at the embroidered rainbow across her chest. Keyleth blushed. “Do you embroider all your clothes?”
“Not all. Most of them. All my clothes are hand-me-downs or thrifted, and I like to alter them to give them more… personality, I guess,” Keyleth explained. They sat on her bed and Vax immediately got to work on bringing out the supplies and cleaning her lip. The swelling had gone down and the cut was barely noticeable, but she still allowed him to take care of it, if anything, to help him feel better.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Vax asked, dabbing her lip with cotton. Keyleth winced at the sting and Vax blew at it with a soft, “sorry.”
“He didn’t do anything… you know…” Vax paused to look at her. “I promise I would have told you.” He nodded and went back to his work. Keyleth waited until he was done to say, “I bumped against him at the bottom of the stairs. He said something about wanting to talk and brought me outside. I was so disoriented I couldn’t answer.”
Vax got up to wash his hands and throw away the used supplies. Keyleth waited until he returned and started cleaning up his knuckles. “I started panicking because none of you knew where I had gone. He was so drunk I don’t think he realized I wasn’t okay. Or maybe he thought I was drunk, too. But he brought me to that alley because he wanted somewhere quiet.”
Vax instinctively closed his hand in a fist. Keyleth saw anger burning in his eyes and slapped his wrist to help him focus. “Sorry,” Vax said, opening his hand. He let it rest on her lap while Keyleth grabbed more supplies.
“He asked why I hadn’t called him to go out again and if it was true that I was on a date tonight, but he didn’t let me answer. Then he started saying I looked really hot and asked if I wanted to go to his place and shit like that, and when I said no, he said fine. I thought he was going to leave, but then he leaned in and kissed me. Next thing I know, he bit my lip when you pulled him off of me,” Keyleth gave Vax a shy smile.
“Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. It’s no big deal. It was just a kiss,”
“It wasn’t just a kiss, Kiki. He shouldn’t have taken it without your permission.” Vax’s other hand came up to cradle her face. Keyleth leaned into his warm touch. He was always so gentle with her.
“How’s your stomach?” Keyleth asked. Vax let go of her face to poke at where a bruise was already probably forming and shrugged.
“I’ll be fine in a few days. What are you looking for?”
“Bandaids.”
“We don’t have any. Grog used them all the last time he tried to cook. He cut himself five times until Pike took the knife away from him.”
Keyleth snorted and got up. “I think I still have some, but they have flowers,” She said, opening her closet. She dug out a box of bandaids from inside a travel bag and showed it to Vax.
“I don’t need them. I’m fine, I promise.”
“Is it because of the flowers?” Keyleth asked, pouting as she returned the box inside the bag and back into the closet.
“Of course not. You know I’d wear them even if they were shock pink or bright yellow with polka-dots.”
“Fine,” Keyleth stopped in front of Vax. She grabbed his hand, taking one last look. She had done everything she knew. It looked much better than before—at least it wasn’t bleeding anymore. Satisfied with her work, Keyleth cleaned up the trash and headed to the bathroom to wash her hands. She didn’t flinch at seeing Vax leaning against the door jam, his head cocked as he examined her.
“Can I brush your hair? It’s a mess,” Vax asked. It had been a while since someone offered to brush her wild hair, especially when it looked like she had fallen through a bramble of bushes.
“Sure,” Keyleth handed Vax the hairbrush. He grabbed her hand and pulled her with him. It was the same way Kash had grabbed her earlier, but it felt so different with Vax. His hands were more calloused, but it was such a softer and more gentle touch. Keyleth would let him guide her wherever he wanted, which, at the moment, wasn’t far. Vax sat on her bed and patted the blanket in front of him. He carefully removed the elastic that still tied part of Keyleth’s hair and expertly started parting her hair in sections.
“Can I ask you something?” Vax asked, brushing the ends of Keyleth’s hair.
“Anything, Vax.”
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I was wondering…” He hesitated. Keyleth looked above her shoulder, but he turned her head forward with a tut. “I was wondering if you could tell me about your family.”
Oh. That was a sore subject, not just for Keyleth, but also for Vax from what she gathered. “You’ve met my dad. He raised me by himself. He’s a great dad.”
Vax paused his brushing, “How old were you when—”
“I was five,” Keyleth replied before he could finish. More than anticipated the question, Keyleth had a feeling that was the real reason why Vax asked about her family. “My mom went on a business trip and didn’t come back. Boating accident. Her body was never found.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” Vax leaned forward and rested his head on Keyleth’s shoulder.
“It’s okay. I mean… it’s not… but you know what I mean, right?” She looked back at him. The look of understanding they exchanged was worth more than words. “I have a grandma on my mother’s side. She taught me how to embroider and crochet. She’s really nice. I’m sure she would love you. I know she would put so much food on your plate,” Keyleth giggled so violently that Vax had to pause the brushing again.
“I’d love to meet her. And your dad. I mean actually meet him.”
“You’re welcome in Zephrah anytime,” Keyleth offered. Vax nodded, but then he realized she couldn’t see him and replied, “I’d love to, but I don’t think I can afford it.”
Keyleth felt bad for him. She knew the twins were in a strict financial situation, although she didn’t know how bad it was. Vax often refused to go out with the group, not just because he didn’t like bars but also because most of the time, the twins couldn’t afford to pay for both to drink, so Vax stayed home to let his sister have fun. Keyleth also noticed the exchanged glances between the siblings whenever the group planned to go out for lunches or dinners, how their contribution to the communal food and household goods seemed to grow smaller and smaller every week (not that anyone had ever called them out on that). Keyleth had even heard the twins fight about something Vex’ahlia had bought out of their budget, and from what she gathered from the conversation, Vax was very adamant his sister returned it to the store, but she refused.
“Maybe one day?” Keyleth extended the offer. She wanted to tell him she would buy all the plane tickets he needed, but she knew her friend was too proud to accept.
“Maybe,” Vax replied, but she knew he had no hope.
Keyleth’s mind returned to the look of understanding they had shared moments before. The words he had spoken to her months ago when he found her curled over herself against the kitchen counters. She had opened up to him and told him about her mother, and while he didn’t owe her anything, Keyleth couldn’t stop herself from asking, “How old were you?”
Vax knew what she meant because the hairbrush stopped again, and he took a long breath. Keyleth waited patiently, looking at the massive, shaggy dog curled on her roommate’s bed—Vex’ahlia, who also had lost a mother.
When Vax spoke, there was no ounce of anger or frustration for being asked such a personal question. If anything, Keyleth heard some relief that they were finally brushing up on the subject, as if he had been waiting to share that piece of himself with her. “We were ten.”
“And your dad?”
Vax chuckled, “Long story. He’s an asshole and we’re as good as dead to him, as he is to us.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I can tell you about it one day,” Vax finally set Keyleth’s hair brush aside and started braiding her hair.
“I don’t have anywhere to go tonight.” Keyleth tensed and waited. Vax finished the braid, tied it with the elastic, and dropped it over her shoulder.
“I’ll tell you if you make us some tea while I grab cookies.”
“Deal,” Keyleth replied, looking over her shoulder. Vax looked exhausted. She almost faltered for a moment, but then he raised and headed towards the door, and Keyleth decided to follow him.
Keyleth loved the quietness of the house where the only sounds were the boiling water in the kettle and Vax plating homemade cookies for them. They moved around each other in the kitchen so effortlessly that one would think they were a pair of professional dancers who could lead each other with their eyes closed in perfect synchrony. Trinket raised his head and sniffed the air when they returned to the bedroom with hot mugs of tea and a plateful of cookies, but Keyleth tutted at him, reminding the dog that he was not allowed sweets. She took the side of the bed closest to the wall and held the blanket open for Vax to join her, which he did without hesitation.
“Trinket, come,” Keyleth patted the blanket at the end of her bed. The dog looked up at the pair sitting with their backs against the headboard under the blankets and leaped from his bed to Keyleth’s. He spun three times and curled up at their feet with a sigh. “What a rough life you live,” Keyleth joked. With a plate of assorted homemade cookies on her lap—from where Vax bashfully grabbed a chocolate chip cookie—a steaming mug of honey lavender tea warming her hands, and Vax’s warmth pressed against her side under her blankets, it was the perfect cozy mood for long, deep talks.
“This feels nice,” Vax said, using his half-bitten cookie to point at the string lights around the top of the walls. That had been Keyleth’s doing.
“It’s cozy.”
Vax finished his cookie and looked at the plate on Keyleth’s lap, “I have to warn you, it’s not a pretty story, and you might change your mind about me towards the end.”
“I doubt it,” Keyleth slapped Vax’s hand as he went for a butter cookie. Instead, she handed him a coconut one. “But go on, tell me your deepest and darkest secrets, Vax’ildan,” She half-joked, looking at him.
“You asked,” Vax shrugged. He bit into the cookie and hummed. Keyleth nodded as if to say, see? “It all started when my mom was 18. She lived in a small town in the south called Byroden. My father was passing by on a business trip and stopped for the night, as travelers usually do. He and his buddies went out for a drink and my mother just happened to be the barmaid on service that night.”
“She was so young,” Keyleth interrupted. Vax nodded.
“She had just graduated high school. She grew up poor, so college was not in the plans. My father took a liking to her, it seems. They spent the night together and he left the next morning without so much as a goodbye. My mom only knew his name because she had heard the other men say it. A few months later, she found out she was pregnant. She found my father’s contact to tell him, and the bastard had the audacity to say…” Vax paused. He chewed on his lip for a moment, then finally said with growing rage, “The asshole had the audacity to say he had serious doubts it was true, that my mom was trying to bait him for money, and if she did had gotten herself knocked up—his words exactly—how was she so sure it was his and not some random guy she fucked.”
Hearing that, Keyleth dropped her cookie in her tea. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Yeah,” Vax shrugged. His head was bowed low, avoiding eye contact. “The bastard told me that himself.”
“What a fucking asshole,” Keyleth grumbled, fishing the soggy cookie from her tea with a spoon. “What a fucking, bastard, shit-eating asshole.”
Vax chuckled. “Oh, Kiki,” He shook his head. “Just hold on tightly to that rage. I haven’t gotten anywhere near the worst yet.”
“You don’t have to keep going,” Keyleth bumped Vax’s shoulder with hers. She had known Vax long enough to recognize the signs of withdrawal, and the last thing she wanted was to regress once they had become so comfortable and vulnerable with each other. Keyleth watched Vax silently set the empty plate and mugs on her nightstand. She didn’t balk when he arched an arm behind her shoulders, and Keyleth definitely did not stop Vax from pulling her so close that her legs were practically curled on his thigh. Keyleth counted their synchronous breaths, looking at Vax’s hand on his lap, fumbling with the tassels of her blanket.
One. Vax twisted the green tassel between his index finger and thumb. Two. His hand stopped. Three. Vax turned his head to look at her in the eyes—the pain made Keyleth want to scream. Four. Vax’s arm moved to Keyleth’s lap, where she twisted and turned her hands on the tassels. Five. He grabbed hold of one of her hands and tugged it free. Six. Vax brought their joined hands to his lap and intertwined their fingers. Seven. Both their gazes were fixed on their hands, Vax’s thumb grazing softly against the palm of Keyleth’s hand. Eight. A pause. Nine. Vax opened his mouth.
Ten. “My mother died when we were ten and we were forced to live with him. We ran away when we were fifteen. He almost killed Vex’ahlia.”
Vax was crying. His tears slid down his eyes and onto Keyleth’s cheek. She didn’t speak, didn’t move, barely breathed.
“My mom got sick. The town doctor couldn’t do much, and we couldn’t afford to take her to a big city doctor or pay for treatment. She died within six months of finding out.” Keyleth’s face grew wetter the more Vax spoke about his mother. Vax’ildan paused to look at her, and his face contorted into more pain as he released her hand and cradled her cheek. “I’m sorry, Kiki. I can stop talking about it,” Vax apologized. Only then did Keyleth realize the wetness in her face was not just from Vax’s tears but her own as well.
“I’m okay,” She whispered, sniffling. Keyleth leaned into his touch. Vax was so warm and smelled like tea and cookies. “I’ll listen to as much as you want to share.”
A sigh and a kiss on the forehead had Keyleth melt further into Vax’s warmth. He continued sharing his story in a hushed voice as he leaned his brow against Keyleth.
“We were taken to Syngorn, to our father’s estate, by the authorities because my mom had no other family. Our grandparents had died and she had no siblings, so our father was all we had left, and he earned our full custody. We weren’t allowed to bring more than a backpack of clothes and a few belongings. We arrived in Syngorn the day after we buried our mother but my father refused to take us in. He denied knowing about our existence and informed the officer that he would only take us with a positive paternity test. For a week, Vex’ahlia and I were separated into two different foster families in the city until the results came and our father was forced to take us in. It was the first time Vex and I had been separated since we were born, and it was the hardest week of our lives until that time.
“It’s funny. I always laugh at people who tell me to go to hell because I’ve been there. My father made our lives a living hell. We found out that he was part of a big conservative family, rich as the eyes could see, and having children out of wedlock was highly frowned upon. His family refused to accept us. He refused to accept us. For the first few months, we didn’t see him. My sister and I were assigned a maid each to tend to our needs, and then we were forced to attend etiquette classes. The first time we saw our father since we moved in, he threatened to kick us out onto the street if we didn’t do what he told us. He forced us to attend those etiquette classes to make us more ‘civilized’,” Vax spat the word with disdain, “and we were forced to adopt Syngorn’s customs, including changing our accent and wearing Syngorn’s fashion.”
Vax took another pause. Keyleth gave his hand a quick squeeze in reassurance, just in case he thought she had fallen asleep. Her face was still scrunched against Vax’s shoulder, where a large wet stain formed from her tears. It took a moment for Keyleth’s brain to click with what Vax had said, but when she did, she raised her head, eyes glimmering with curiosity, and asked, “Wait. Did you have a different accent before?” Vax nodded. Keyleth’s face opened in a mischievous smile that was enough for Vax to anticipate what Keyleth was about to ask because he quickly stopped her from saying anything else. “No, I will not use it. I don’t even know if I remember it. It’s been so long, Kiki.”
“Oh. Well… You’re safe with me. I won’t think less of you for it. You know… in case you suddenly remember what it sounded like,” Keyleth batted her eyelashes at Vax in a lousy attempt to flirt with him.
Vax chuckled. The sound was enough to inflate Keyleth’s heart like a balloon. He wiped the tears from her face, then his, and then broke the hold he had on her. Keyleth watched him go into the bathroom and close the door. She blocked out all sounds that came next, brought her knees to her chest, and dropped her head on them, thinking. She had known the twins' story wouldn’t be pleasant. She had seen the few trinkets on Vax’s desk and the emptiness of their wardrobes, but had never considered that it would be this hard. Even though she lived most of her life without her mother, Keyleth still had her father’s love, her grandparents, her village. She hadn’t been alone, not like the twins had. And their father… How could someone be so hateful towards their children? They were so young, barely older than Keyleth when her mother died. They were suffering the loss of everything they knew and were forced to live with someone who not just plainly rejected them but who also did nothing to disguise their hatred for them. What a fucking asshole.
Keyleth was still deep into thought when Vax exited the bathroom. She only noticed him when he stopped by the foot of her bed to ruffle Trinket’s head, and then she followed him as he approached her bed and sat by her side again, where Vax bit his lower lip bashfully, avoiding eye contact with her. “Yes?” Keyleth asked. Vax hemmed and hawed, but finally, with his gaze still firmly set on her blanket, he asked, “Do you want to… can we–” He hesitated.
“You can ask me anything,” Keyleth said, laying a reassuring hand on his knee. Vax nodded and mustered the courage to look at her between his eyelids. His cheeks were flushed red, and his voice wavered as he asked, “Can we cuddle?”
Oh. Keyleth smiled. Please, that’s all I want. “Sure,” She said. Vax scooted closer to the middle of the bed and opened his arms to let Keyleth in. She sat sideways on his lap, legs curled up, and Vax wrapped one arm around her back and brought the other between them, where he intertwined his fingers with Keyleth’s. She finally let her head rest on his shoulder, right on the stupid wet spot of her tears, and Vax lowered his head to hers.
“Do you… do you want to hear the rest?” He asked.
“Of course, if you’re okay with sharing.”
“It might make you hate me,” Vax tensed. Keyleth shook her head as much as she could without bothering Vax and replied, “I doubt it. Nothing would make me hate you, Vax.” Nothing would make me stop loving you, is what she didn’t say.
Vax squeezed her tighter, as if he was trying to hold on to that hope, and continued his story. “I tried, for a while, but nothing I did seemed to be good enough for my father, and then he married. She is a good woman, kind and caring. She was always good to me and my sister, always made sure we were well-fed and cleaned. She wasn’t a mother figure, though, but neither of us was interested in replacing our mom with someone else. After the marriage, my father became worse, even stricter in his rules and assessments of our behavior and learnings. I stopped trying, then. I realized that no matter how many hours I put into studying or how many diction classes I had, I would never be good enough for him because he didn’t expect me to ever reach his unrealistic standards.
“So I started skipping classes, and I refused to change my accent and wear the clothes he wanted me to wear. As a punishment, my father ordered all of our clothes to be burned, so Vex and I were forced to wear what he wanted. I was barely older than eleven the first time he hit me when I refused to use his posh accent at an important dinner with his snob friends. He dragged me by the collar of my shirt to his office in front of everyone and slapped me across the face. He threatened that if I didn’t right myself, he would kick me and my sister out.” Keyleth shuddered hearing how badly Vax’s father treated him. Vax only squeezed her tighter, more for her comfort than his, and he kept talking, “I started sneaking out of the house when I was twelve. If Vex knew, she never said anything… at least not at first. I started hanging out with some shitty people back then and did things I’m not proud of. Vex found out when I came home one night with a black eye from a brawl. She scolded me until my ears bled and made me promise her I wouldn’t return to that place. I kept my promise but I still sneaked out at night, and I never told Vex where I went, in case my father found out. We have a sister, you know?” Vax paused.
Keyleth looked up at him, warmth immediately rising to her cheeks from the proximity of their mouths. It would be so easy to kiss him, but that was not the right moment. “You do?”
“Her name is Velora. She was barely a year old when we left.” Vax’s expression was filled with sorrow and guilt.
“Is that when…” Keyleth asked, remembering what Vax had said earlier, He almost killed Vex’ahlia. Vax nodded.
“It was one of the nights I sneaked out. He went looking for me, surely to punish me for whatever I did that day but found my room empty. He thought Vex knew where I was and was lying to cover my ass, so he–” Vax curled himself, burying his face in Keyleth’s neck. He was shaking so hard that Keyleth wrapped her arms around him and caressed his back affectionately.
“It’s okay. We can stop whenever you want.”
Keyleth’s shoulder became wet through her t-shirt. She kissed the top of Vax’s head with her eyes closed, taking in his scent and the warmth of his wet breath against her skin. She had never been a violent person, had never felt hatred, but at that moment, she knew she could kill the man for all he put his children through if she ever laid eyes on him. She allowed Vax to gather his thoughts, switching from rubbing his back to caressing his head, placing soft kisses to his crown and temple in between.
The weight on Keyleth’s stomach lifted as Vax’s shakes subsided. He took two long breaths, and once he finally calmed enough, Vax uncoiled from her embrace, wiped his tears, and said in a shaky, wet voice, “He called me into his office the next morning. He said a bunch of shit to me that I still repeat in my head today. I decided I was done and wanted out, so I planned our escape while my sister healed, and when she was good to move, we ran away during the night. Vex wanted to bring Velora, but I told her we couldn’t. It was the hardest decision I ever made, to leave my baby sister behind, but she was safe. She was planned and wanted. She’s safe,” Vax repeated as if he was trying to convince himself more than anything.
“So we were two fifteen-year-olds, lost in the woods with nowhere to go. We eventually made it to a town in the middle of nowhere where we worked odd jobs here and there, helping in the farms or whatever we could do to earn money to buy a bus ticket north. We found our way to Emon after a while, but again, we had nowhere to stay and were running out of money, so we lived out in the streets. It was harder to find jobs here. No one trusted a pair of dirty children like us, so we resorted to finding other ways to feed ourselves. Vex used her charming gifts to get us day-old bread and food from the stores, I would sneak in whatever I could. Only whatever was enough to feed us and then him.” Vax nodded at Trinket, who was sleeping peacefully like he had no worries in the world.
“We got robbed one night and lost all our money. I couldn’t do anything to stop it from happening. I failed my sister the night my father—I failed Velora by leaving her behind. And I failed us both the night we got robbed. I made a vow to never fail Vex again, so I started stealing money from passersby until we had enough to get us going again. I only stole small amounts, only whatever I could muster that they wouldn’t realize they had been pickpocketed.” Vax lowered his head in shame, “I’m not proud of it.”
Keyleth cradled Vax’s face in her hands, “Is that why you think I would hate you?” He nodded, but before he could say anything else, Keyleth said, “You did it to ensure your sister’s safety, not for greed, Vax. I would never, ever hate you for taking care of her, of yourself… You did what you had to do to survive.”
“What if I told you I killed someone?”
Keyleth shuddered. Her hands fell from Vax’s face and scrunched up the blanket on her lap. Her voice shook when she spoke, “What?”
“I failed Vex’ahlia a third time, when… when that motherfucker took her. I didn’t see her for almost a year, even though she still called and texted me. She managed to convince him to let me see her one day, and I—What my father did to her… what that man also did to her—I was so angry, so desperate, I wanted to kill him right there and then, but Vex stopped me. And good thing she did. I convinced her to leave him. It took a while, but she did it. Then, one night, he found us and tried to take her again, but I didn’t allow it. I had failed her enough times. So he attacked me, and in the middle of the fight, I stabbed him with my knife and… I killed him.”
“Vax,” Keyleth’s voice wavered. He refused to meet her eyes in fear of what he would see, but she lifted his chin with a strong grip. “That was self-defense, Vax. You—”
“I killed someone, Keyleth.” Vax’s shoulders started shaking. Keyleth pulled him into a hug, “No, you saved your sister.” The only response was Vax’s sobs on her shoulder, wetness spreading to match the other side. “You were protecting her. I don’t hate you, Vax. I could never hate you. You know that, right?”
Vax shook his head just enough to say, “Why would someone even want to be with a useless failure like me?”
“You are not a failure, Vax. You had so many hardships in your life, and look where you are now. The top university in the continent, in the most coveted degree. Do you know how hard it is to get into Emon University, not to mention into Medicine? You’re top three in your class, Vax. You work so hard, and you’re such a nice, kind and caring person. You are not a failure. You are not useless.” Keyleth stopped, pushed him away enough to look into his eyes, and said assertively, “Do you really think no one wants you? I’ve seen the way Gilmore looks at you, Vax.” Vax chuckled a smile, “Besides… I’m sure there’s someone else out there who would want you,” Like me.
“You think so?” Vax asked tentatively.
“I know so.” Keyleth wiped his tears away with her thumbs, remaining the hold of his face in her grasp.
“Keeks,” Vax looked bashfully.
“Yes?”
“Do you want to go out with me?” Vax asked, biting his lip nervously. Keyleth was taken aback by the abruptness of the question.
“As in–a date?” Her heart was beating so fast in her chest that Keyleth thought it was going to jump out of her throat. Vax nodded. Keyleth swallowed a nervous squeal.
After everything that had happened that night, Vax still wanted to go out on a date with her, and even more, the fact that he asked her out after he was so vulnerable with her… Keyleth thought she was going to throw up the cookies and tea right on Vax’s lap from how hard her stomach leaped. She wanted this, right? A date… with Vax? She wanted him, and it was obvious he wanted her, for some gods damned reason. Even though she still shuddered at the idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone–of being loved by someone–the image of Vax’s arms around her, the feel of his breath on her lips, and the way he cared for her weren’t dreadful in the slightest. She could do it with him, right? Maybe? One step at a time, Keyleth reminded herself. First, a date, and then… then we’ll see.
“Of course,” Keyleth answered, leaning to kiss Vax’s cheek. He slumped against her, releasing a breath Keyleth hadn’t noticed he was holding, and laughed.
“I thought you were going to say no for a second there, Kiki.”
“Sorry. You caught me off guard,” She apologized. Vax shook his head and squeezed her.
“Thank you for telling me,” Keyleth brushed a hand on Vax’s hair, and when he looked at her confused, Keyleth clarified, “About your life. Everything that happened with your mom and your father.”
“Oh. I–There’s still more, but I’m drained.” Keyleth nodded in understanding. She lowered her hands to her lap and her head to avoid Vax’s gaze and mumbled, “Will you stay tonight?”
“Do you want me to stay?” Keyleth gave a short nod, still not looking at him. “I’ll stay. I hope Pike and Vex don’t kill me.”
“They won’t,” Keyleth said, moving out of Vax’s lap. “I’ll be right back,” She said as she got up and headed into the bathroom. When Keyleth returned, Trinket was back on Vex’s bed, curled against the pillows, and Vax was lying on her bed, under her comforter, with a hand behind his head on her pillow. Keyleth stumbled at the sight, at the smirk on Vax’s face as he opened the covers to let her in—she would have to climb over him to reach the other side—and patted the bed next to him invitingly. Keyleth looked him up and down, from his head to his bare feet, back to his head. She didn’t realize she was biting her lip until she felt the coppery taste of blood from her wound, which she immediately wiped with a tissue from her nightstand.
“Are you okay?” Vax asked, concerned, seeing her dab at her lip. Keyleth nodded and threw the slightly bloodied tissue into the trashcan by her nightstand. She then climbed over Vax’s feet and lay down facing him. Vax covered them and turned to his side, setting one arm on the mattress between him and Keyleth. She looked at it, her eyes drifting from his tanned, strong hands—how she would love to feel them on her skin—to where the tattoo of a raven peeked from the inside of his forearm, to his relaxed bicep. Keyleth’s gaze drifted up to Vax’s shoulder, which tensed as he followed her gaze, to the vein popping on his neck—that Keyleth wished to kiss and bite and feel the rushed beating of his heart there against her lips—to Vax’s jawline, his chiseled cheeks, his uncovered, pierced ears. Keyleth let her eyes linger on every beautiful feature of Vax’s face as if she needed to commit every single detail to memory so she could draw his portrait afterward—never mind the fact she couldn’t draw people even if her life depended on it. She smiled as she finally found his chapped lips that looked so inviting, even more so when Vax, too, smiled as Keyleth’s gaze lingered and as she mindlessly licked her lips.
Keyleth didn’t speak, and neither did Vax. Eventually, their gazes met, drifting ever so slowly to each other. The air turned far too warm under the covers, and they both held their breaths as they saw their own need reflected in the other’s eyes. It wasn’t a physical need as much as an emotional connection, at least to Keyleth. She wouldn’t deny the different desire she had felt the past weeks, but that wasn’t the foremost need that she wanted Vax to fill—that she knew only Vax could fill. Keyleth released her breath slowly as if she was afraid to scare him, like Vax was a skittish cat, and let her hand slide to the bed, a mere hairline from touching Vax’s hand where it still lay on the mattress. To Keyleth’s shock, who hadn’t heard him release the breath from before, Vax inhaled deeply, and even though his eyes never left hers, Keyleth knew he was aware of the distance that separated them and how easy it would be to transcend it.
Keyleth’s body buzzed in anticipation at what the touch would feel like. Would it be warm or cold? Soft or rough from Vax’s calloused hands? Would it be sturdy or shaky from nerves? Would Vax intertwine their fingers, or would he pull away? Would it make his heart skip a beat like hers did in that moment?
There’s only one way to find out, Vax’s eyes all but said. If someone told Keyleth that Vax had read her mind, she would have believed them because it was either that or that the desperation she felt for his touch was plainly written in her eyes, and that would be embarrassing. It was true, nonetheless. There was only one way to find out. So Keyleth moved by lacing her fingers with Vax’s and took in the layers of his reaction: a slight twitch of his fingers as she wrapped her hand around his; the release of tension on Vax’s shoulders; a shuddering breath; the drooping in his eyes as the man finally relaxed. Keyleth smiled lovingly, knowing he couldn’t see her with his eyes closed. She contemplated letting her own eyes shut, but Vax looked so calm and relaxed that Keyleth felt compelled to remain awake, to observe him and drink in all his features.
“You’re staring at me,” Vax spoke, opening one eye.
“Sorry,” Keyleth apologized bashfully. Vax brought their hands to his lips and kissed each one of Keyleth’s knuckles. He didn’t say anything, didn’t return their hands to where they had been between them. Vax merely looked at Keyleth for a while, until she finally returned his words, “You’re staring at me.”
“Because you’re beautiful,” Vax let go of their hands and opened his arms. “Come here,” He called. Like a sailor, Keyleth obeyed his call, shimmying her body until her head was on the crook of Vax’s neck and their arms around each other’s torsos. Vax kissed her forehead softly and nuzzled against her hair.
“I didn’t know you could sing,” Keyleth felt, more than heard Vax say. She nodded against his skin and replied, “I had singing lessons when I was young. I didn’t know you could play guitar.”
“The only good thing my father did besides siring me and my sister was force us to have music lessons. I refused the piano, and since Vex was already taking classes, my father didn’t care what other instrument I picked.”
“I’ve never seen a guitar in your bedroom,” Keyleth pointed out. Vax’s sigh against the top of her head tickled her.
“When we were robbed, even after I started stealing money, it wasn’t enough, so we had to sell a few things, mostly jewels we still had from our father, but even then… Vex’ahlia wanted to sell her bow, and it would have gotten us decent money for a while, but I couldn’t do that to her. She loves archery more than words can describe. So I sold my guitar to buy a knife.”
“The one in your nightstand?” Keyleth asked softly. Vax nodded. She let it sink in, the sacrifice he had made—all the sacrifices Vax had made—to protect his sister. She knew that even though it benefitted both, Vax had done it for his twin more than for himself. His stupid, selfless heart that he still didn’t see.
“I’m sorry you had to sell your guitar. You’re a great brother, Vax.”
“Hmm,” Was all Vax said as he nuzzled further against Keyleth’s hair. Her heart warmed at the feeling of him this close to her, even though it wasn’t the first time they shared a bed.
“It feels different,” Keyleth whispered, voicing out her thoughts.
“Hm?”
“Us. It feels different. Has been for a while.”
“It is different,” Vax mumbled and kissed the top of her head. “I like it.”
“Me too,” was all Keyleth said as she nuzzled against Vax’s neck.
The slow and steady beating of Vax’s heart worked like a metronome setting the cadence for her own heart. The rise and fall of Vax’s chest underneath her hand lulled Keyleth into such a deep sense of relaxation that she didn’t even realize the heavy weight of her eyelids had finally won the battle against wanting to keep observing Vax’s beauty. Keyleth drifted off to sleep with the scent of Vax wrapping around her, calming her. Maybe for the first time in months, Keyleth slept through the entire night, waking up the next morning to the sounds of voices in the house and the smell of cooking creeping from underneath her bedroom door. Maybe for the first time in a while, Keyleth didn’t wake up scared in the middle of the night from a haunting nightmare, but even if she had, Vax would have been there to hold her through it, to kiss her head and whisper sweet, reassuring words in her ear. And perhaps, it was with the knowledge of that being true that Keyleth allowed herself a moment of restfulness and happiness.
#critical role#cr fic#vox machina#vaxleth#modern au#college au#be in my eyes#is this the longest piece of fiction I've written so far? yes.#was it a pain in the ass to review? absolutely#I hereby would like to apologize for breaking all of your hearts into a million pieces.#don't worry it only gets worse from here on :)
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Assistant Stage Manager: maybe i'll just go next week when i'm not acting as the entirety of stage management
#oof that's a rough one#theater#theatre#behind the scenes#theater tech#techblr#smblr#stage management#don't worry! it all gets worse from here!
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hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹
here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰
#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL#because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan#i lost all my feelings and thoughts#i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head#i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot#in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year#and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level#but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️#from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far#that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more#after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me#and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all#but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha#i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day#i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/#even from my comfort people and activities#that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal#so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically#it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha#anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️#soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now#but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️
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got an ad for a course that looks right up my alley (like, too-good-to-be-true levels of up my alley) and toyed with the idea of possibly signing up. asked my mom what she thinks, including abt the price and such, fully expecting her to shut me down and say it's too expensive or isn't a good direction to take, but no even before i started listing the actual cool stuff you get from it she already got so excited and told me to sign up and that it sounds perfect for me and such. so i guess we'll see
#and now when i open facebook it's the only ad I'm getting lol which is fine ig.#i looked up reviews of this school and everything was 5 stars talking about what a great place it is and a great guy is the one running it#i have the perfect background and base talents for it so i doubt i won't be able to get in or smth#but i am. worried. bc ik i can't handle being out and with people i don't know. my anxiety is too bad#and just bc i was able to do this sort of thing in the past doesn't mean I'll be able to now when I'm way worse abt it 😐#also from a technical standpoint i don't think I'd be able to like. walk from the nearest bus station and such#(not that I'd be able to take the bus either but you get me. putting the anxiety aside. talking physical stuff here)#ajskglj ig i expected my mom to say no bc i was HOPING she would so I'd have an excuse#but now the only thing standing in my way is me ig. nothing new but still very annoying
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In China 2009 they're talking abt how fast Mark is and how he "doesn't want his younger teammate to storm in and get the first victory for the team" 🫣
#....don't worry Mark it can only get worse from here....#but as i said its funny all the foreshadowing in 2009#ig its just weird in general watching any old season with the knowledge of foresight#bcs theyll make some observation and im sitting here like ah...little do you know 🤭#also in this race rn mark and seb keep trading fastest lap: truly so many parallels to 2023#ALSO ALSO whoever did the sound mixing of the commentary and the racing for this race....its so bad#i love the v8 car sounds but mein gott its so hard to hear the commentary 😭#catie.rambling.txt
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:(((
#Vents 🌧️#sorry in advance for venting on here. I just... sort of want a kind person to listen to me#and you all are quite nice to me#I don't think my friends at school care about me very much#I mean. of course they find me annoying#because there's only so much time you can spend with me before I become so grating you have to take breaks from me#everyone at school finds me annoying. that's just how it is#but I feel like it's been getting worse#they're hiding things from me now... they're making plans without me and won't tell me about them#I'm not stupid I know they're setting up time together#I guess they didn't want me to know so I can't insert myself into it#I think they're going to leave me soon.#this is how it always happens. we start out and we click and I get comfortable around them and I stop masking as much#and then I watch as their liking for me diminishes#I know I've got my friends online but I wish I could get a hug from a friend who really actually wants to hug me#oh#<- they thought about a hug from one of their f/os and started tearing up#sometimes I worry that my f/os wouldn't really want me around#I know they're not real and I can do whatever I want with them but sometimes it's hard to picture them loving me as myself#I never think about myself unmasked around my f/os. I only think about them with the perfect version of me#maybe it's because I'm scared they wouldn't like the real me. like everybody else#I wish I could hear them tell me that.
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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Checking out the Separatist base and everything is normal normal norma--HOLY HECK WHY ARE THERE IMPERIALS HERE, IS THAT THE BOMB? AND MY COWORKERS?
Bonus: ✨jazzhands✨
#swtor oc sunny#swtor trooper#poor sunny just trying to do her job#don't worry sunny it only gets worse from here
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QUILQUILQUIL i just hit a whole ass new level of “mutual on the dash”
you’re on my FUCKING PINTEREST FEED
Mutual on the pinterest! Hi from your pinterest feed :3--I wonder if this is the same post on pinterest someone else saw or if it's been reposted multiple times. I suppose both are possible
The fun thing about this post is that every so often I'll get notes on it, a series of people having deep, emotional damage moments in my tags meanwhile I'm seeing those tags in my notifs while I'm like. laughing my ass off making the stupidest shitposts imaginable. I feel like that awkward glance monkey puppet meme. They're all having this moment and I'm just here in a totally different mood because I've come to terms with many of the feelings this post was inspired by
But enough about that! I love when people encounter this post in the wild so thank you very much for telling me. It's cool to see how far its spread. hope you're doing well!
#quil's queries#even-if-in-another-time#all caps#another thing is every time I see this post I feel bad about including the part about my mom yelling#because like. its true but I feel like only knowing that mischaracterizes her#and every time I see it I wanna go my mother is a wonderful supportive kind attentive person#like yes she yelled at me when I was little but when I kept telling her not to (she didn't think she was yelling#because she grew up in a household with screaming and she thought /that/ was yelling. she realized that little me#didn't have that experience so to me she /was/ yelling at me)#she listened and reflected and went yeah you know what? I don't like that I'm doing that I'm going to change. and she did!#she is a very. how do I explain. she's always open to criticism and actually enacting it to be a better person#both my parents ended cycles from their childhoods and I'm very grateful for it. they're wonderful#and i feel like that one line makes her sound so much worse and i feel so bad about it i'm sorry mom#i was in a mood when I wrote it I'm sorry :(#anyway. i got way off track here#love my parents. willing to share because some of y'all post worrying things#also love my sister. though she's at the age where she withdraws from the world and finds herself and sorts herself out#so like. waiting patiently for her to do so to hopefully forge a better bond :)#I'm still getting off track damn#i'm in a chatty mood i have a lot of energy with no direction hmm#this could end badly
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Cannot wait to move back to college
#cw negativity#to delete#im so frustrated#nobody listens and everything is always a personal failing.#here I am with three weeks until I go back and i gotta write two 10 page papers. that's already stressful.#so one parent nags me once a day and the other blows their top whenever they feel like it because theyre not done yet#why aren't they done? I'm working through shit from the traumatic bullshit of the year. this is a horrible work environment. I'm burnt out.#but no. go off about how I'm lazy despite straight As and never having had this issue in all my years of school.#i can't fucking sleep. my house is full of distractions but so is everywhere else. there's nowhere to work.#got kittens & im absolutely terrified theyre gonna die horrifically (thats totally not a trauma response from holding my dead cat for hrs)#I've been explaining I can't work without a desk since i was nine and yet there is still nowhere to work. kitchen has no wifi. bed has bed.#(my lil bro got a desk in 2020 except it's covered in his junk & in the living room where everyone always is so I effectively can't use it)#nobody else does shit w the kittens so they're always high energy. keeping me awake @ night. getting me up early. horseplay w each other.#trying to explain that im constantly overwhelmed by the environment gets me nowhere#trying to stay home when everyone else does things gets me nowhere#now im going to see my aunt & grandmother for a week because my gma is looking bad & she's gonna go & you're going to make me feel worse#about it??? you know how much I'll fucking hate myself if I don't go and never see her again? over fucking schoolwork???#but thank you for reminding me that I effectively only have two weeks left. very helpful. just what I needed.#and thanks dear parents for never listening when I need you to be understanding. surely if you've finished grieving we all have.#how fucking dare they say im using death as an excuse to shirk my schoolwork. as if im not constantly worrying about it.#as if I don't constantly feel like shit about it. i want my school work done too. i just. can't focus. can't sleep. can't do anything.#and they're completely unwilling to do anything to help me with that.#like fuck i always knew i wasn't good enough for them to actually care but really this is a new low i think.#ugh#i was supposed to plan and research my thesis this summer too. so I guess I'll just be behind this fall too.#best four years of my life huh?#college is a fucking joke with shit like this going on#but at least it's not here.
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will be paranoid for ab 3 months now and its my own fault :3
context:
nemi is a naturally paranoid person.
-> does not hold up well next to anything to do with murder documentaries or horror related things.
-> watches these things regardless and proceeds to face the consequences of their actions every time
more context but also TRAUMA WARNING:
nemi's house was broken into last year :3
nemi is literally unable to feel completely safe anywhere as not only have they been through a school shooting (yes im american srry ab that) a few years back and now they had their house broken into in October 2023
we can see why nemi is literally even more paranoid now, yes?
haha fun nemi lore yippeee
#nemi speaks in 3rd pov#easier to distance self from the events and bury them a bit#but yayyy nemi irl lore haha#i can imagine my mutuals reactions all be a variation of horrified if they manage to find this#i mean...i don't really talk ab my life and only drop hints here and there from my posts and reblogs#but eh#imo its like reading a fanfic with tags that says don't worry it gets worse but doesn't elaborate but#then you read it and it just only gets worse but you can't stop reading#:D#nemi talks ab irl lore#nemi rambles
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Production Manager: I was TDing for two different places at the time-
Technical Director: That sounds like a terrible idea
#And It Was!#theater#theatre#behind the scenes#theater tech#techblr#don't worry! it all gets worse from here!
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Arrows and Ashes
You and Cassian are ambushed when trying to meet with Eris in the Autumn Court. When an interrogation ensues that leaves you permanently scarred, how will Azriel react?
WC: 4.7k
Warnings: Pining, friends to lovers, gross gore, injury, violence, blood, vomit, all that kind of stuff.
Part 2
—————————————
Drip. Drip. Drip.
It was damp. From the cold, wet floor to the musty air and your blood-soaked skin.
How long had you and Cassian been here? How long had it been since Autumn soldiers had ambushed you in the woods of the Autumn Court, shooting arrows directing into the war general?
It couldn't have been more than a day. You didn't even think it was night time yet. But it felt like it had been an eternity.
From the interrogations to watching Cassian writhe around in pain due to the faebane arrows protruding from his wings... time continuously ticked slower.
You ached. Your entire body cold with sweat despite your lack of clothing. Dirt and blood coated your skin, and you tried to ignore how uncomfortable it felt against your normally soft flesh. You couldn’t though. You couldn’t ignore the situation you were in. Not when it only seemed to be getting worse, and you had no escape in sight.
You might not make it out of here.
You had left that morning expecting to return home quickly. You had left with a plan to meet Eris Vanserra and return to the House of Wind for a bath, to read a book, to have a nice dinner with friends, and maybe even get to spend time with your mate.
Azriel. You wondered what he was doing right now.
If you focused hard enough, you could almost picture him bursting through the cell door, blue siphons ablaze with power and face molded into an expression of beautiful fury.
But he wasn't here. And you might never see him again.
"Cassian..."
"Don't." He demanded. His voice was cracking with weakness, but he tried to sound resolute. "Rhys is coming."
He didn’t sound convinced, and you could tell that he was worried you were running out of time too. It might not have been long enough for Rhys and the others to be concerned, but it was long enough for the Autumn Court to inflict permanent damage.
You let out a shaky breath, grief already swimming in your chest. Grief for what could have been with you and Azriel if you hadn't been so scared. If you had told him sooner about the bond that had snapped for you. If you hadn't been so focused on him wanting you for you and not the idea of the bond.
“I need you to promise me you'll tell him."
Tears leaked from your eyes, and you tried to hold back your cries. You didn't want your life to end so sadly. You wanted to be able to speak with your friend, pretend like everything was okay, reminisce on the happy times you had with the people you loved.
Instead, you were laying nearly completely bare on a concrete floor, shackled, covered in blood, tears, and vomit. Your body had been taken apart, your skin flayed open, beaten. You thought you must look like an animal on a butcher's board, your body a canvas of gore.
Cassian was not unharmed either. When they had captured the two of you, they had shot him down with faebane arrows: a dozen or two of them. His wings were severely injured, and his power was subdued from the faebane. He had taken beatings as well, but when they realized how well-trained the general had been in withstanding interrogations, they turned to you.
Inflicting damage on your body was a way to get either yourself or Cassian to talk. They taunted him with your pain, and you felt guilty that this would most likely haunt him as much as it haunted you. Would he forgive himself for doing the right thing and protecting his court?
The two of you were on your way to meet with Eris to go over some plans when you were ambushed by Beron's men. Based on their line of questioning, they still did not know of the eldest son's plans of a coup, but they were suspicious of the Night Court presence in their land.
They used the opportunity to not just ask why you were there, but to interrogate you about the new Night Court addition: Nyx. They wanted to know about his powers, how strong he seemed to be, if he can be used as a weapon, how many guards are constantly with him...
But you and Cassian would never betray your family nor your court.
So when Cassian refused to answer, and the whip came down on your torso, you tried to block out his yells, his growls, his apologies. You tried to block out the pain as the leather cleaved into your skin, flaying it open until muscle showed. You focused on what you would do when you got out of here; how you would go to the library with Nesta and pick out new books, how you would go shopping with Mor, how you would go flying with Azriel.
You focused on happy memories with your friends as fists landed on your cheeks, dug into your ribs. As Cassian took blows, you tried to remember the way he'd make you laugh, contorting his groans of pain into his teasing hums and chuckles.
But as you laid in a pool of your own blood, the taunts of the soldiers echoed in your head, and you knew what was coming.
Your wings would be next to go, and with that, so would you.
Despite yourself, you wondered how Azriel would react. If he would mourn you, if it would hurt him as badly as losing him would hurt you. You wondered how Cassian would tell him about the mating bond, if he would have Azriel sit down first, if Rhys would be there for support as well.
"We are getting out of here," Cassian said, voice stronger and more determined. "And you are telling him yourself."
But then the cells were opening, footsteps marching down the hall, and three males were walking toward you with purpose. They gripped you by your forearms, pulling you up harshly, and you closed your eyes and tried to swallow your panic down.
The lacerations on your arms and abdomen from the whip were burning with a vengeance, infection certain to be spreading from the dirt pressed into them on the concrete. The males' hands twisted around your wounds, and you gasped weakly at the pain as they hauled you to your knees.
The shackles were connected to a hook on the wall, lifting your arms slightly, allowing them full access to your back. Your back that they had not whipped, because they were waiting for this.
"Daisy," he called your nickname -- the one given to you by Azriel when you all were only kids. "Look at me. Just look at me, alright? I'm here."
Your whole body was shaking, trembling with fear and anticipation at what was to come. Panic was suffocating you, building in your chest and making its way up your throat, and you thought your bladder might have even released with how petrified you were.
Cassian's voice was still echoing in the background, but you could only focus on the clanging of chains, the footsteps behind you, the sound of a sword unsheathing.
Your fingers dug into the shackles, fingers white with how hard you were gripping them, trying to steel yourself for what was to come.
"Lord of Bloodshed..." one of the males taunted, spinning the sword around in his hand. "I think you know what this is for."
You drowned out the male's voice. His nasally, grating, voice that seemed to irritate your ears. You drowned out the words that would doom you, focusing instead on listening to your own breathing and heart beat.
You were alive. You were strong.
There was silence after a while, and you squeezed your eyes shut, gritted your teeth, tried not to sob.
“I’m sorry, Daisy,” Cassian cried.
You tried to suck in a breath, tried not to let his protection of his nephew, his protection of his brother, of his court, hurt you. But the sword came down, and your lungs were not yet filled with air.
You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t breathe.
It was like your limb was being torn from your body, nerve endings flaying open, on fire, agony coursing through your veins and sending a shock through your body all the way to your head.
You thought you might have made a noise, but you couldn’t hear over the ringing in your ears, and your chest seemed stuck.
Blood splattered across the wall as he pulled the sword out of your wing. It hadn’t gone all the way through; instead, it had gotten stuck in one of the lines of thick membrane, and you gagged when he pulled it from where it had stopped, tissue separating with the motion.
It came down again, a hacking motion, unclean and barbarous, dragging through tendons and nerves.
You had never been in so much pain before. You thought you might be going into shock, your body shaking, stomach nauseous, vision going fuzzy, ears ringing with white noise.
You were only semi-aware of the burning coming up your throat, of the smell of your own vomit.
Cassian’s voice was muffled, drowned out in your mind, but you could hear the sorrow, the panic, the guilt.
Your hands were limp in the shackles, body slumped forward into the wall when the first wing fell to the floor with a thump.
You thought you heard Cassian retching.
And when the sword came down toward the second wing, your adrenaline now out of your system, you couldn’t help the piercing scream that echoed off the walls. You screamed and sobbed and shook until the hacking broke through the second wing too, slicing and grinding it to the floor.
Your entire body was covered in sweat. Cheek pressed to the wall, arms hung above your head but body hanging limp. You tried to stay conscious. You tried to focus on the sounds of Cassian’s sobs, the way he called your name and tried to get your attention. You tried to blink the dizziness away, tried to focus on the blood pooling around you into a large circle.
But everything ached and stung.
As the shackles were released from the wall, weight now imbalanced, your body didn’t even know which way to fall.
You landed in a puddle of your own blood, urine, vomit, and tears. But you were too tired to move, too hurt to move. So you laid there, cheek pressed into the sticky, hot, red liquid, and watched as your friend begged you to stay awake.
Breath stuttering in your chest, blood wavering in front of your mouth with each heave, you reached a hand out to your friend. Just barely. With only enough strength to inch your fingers forward, your body twitching with pain and exertion, you made the motion, tried to communicate that you did not blame him, that you understood, even if your chest ached with hurt.
And then you were going in and out of darkness.
There were times you could hear voices, ones you recognized. Other times it was peacefully quiet. You tried to bask in those moments, where there was no pain or noise—only you and your mind. Where you could pretend like everything was fine and you and Cassian had never left for the Autumn Court early that morning. Or that you had met with Eris as planned, gotten the intel you needed, and returned in time for supper.
But those voices would interrupt your peaceful state, arguing and panicking.
You’d hear glimpses.
You make one wrong touch and you’re dead.
Big threats from a bedridden brute.
You were only brought back to full consciousness briefly when you felt a searing hot pain in your back, pulling you from your sleep gasping for air.
You were on fire, dear gods, you were burning alive.
And then Cassian was in your eyesight, his hazel eyes shining with concern. His hand reached out to cradle your head where it laid atop a pillow, the other stretched across the tops of your shoulders to keep you held down onto the table.
“I know, I know,” he reassured quickly. “It’s okay. It’ll be over soon. You’re okay.”
But you didn’t believe him. How could you be okay when you felt like this? When you didn't even understand what was happening?
You were choking on your own cries, on the tears and drool pooling in your mouth. Cassian tried to wipe them away, leaning down and pressing a kiss to your forehead, whispering encouraging words into your ear.
Your fingers grasped at the wood underneath you, your legs kicking at an invisible weight holding your lower half down.
“Please-“ your voice shook as your body trembled. “Stop.”
You could feel yourself losing consciousness again, your vision going spotty, the pain too much for your weak, shocked body to handle.
“Eris…” Cassian warned, his tone threatening.
“Do you want her to live?”
You didn’t think you would live past this though. This was unbearable. Pure hot torture raging across the skin of your back and melting the muscle, nerves, and bone.
Distantly, you realized what they were doing. They were cauterizing the wounds. Burning the flesh to stop the bleeding, to give you a chance at healing before it was too late.
Mouth dry, your voice gave out, and you let out hoarse squeaks of pain.
It could have been sixty seconds or five minutes, but it felt like an eternity before the weight on your legs shifted, and the fire edged away.
Your lashes and cheeks were wet with your tears, tongue bitten in your screaming. And as you tried to breathe again, tried to focus on Cassian’s voice as he addressed Eris, on his hand stroking your hair back, you thought of where you could be. If you were actually going to make it back to the Night Court, if you were actually going to survive this.
Gruesome lashes ached on your legs, abdomen, and arms. The weightlessness at your back paired with the smell of burnt flesh brought an image of barbecue to your brain that had you gagging again.
You might survive, but your body wouldn’t. This was no longer you, no longer the body you would have willingly given to Azriel, with the glowing bond in its chest he remained unaware about.
It was hacked and burnt and damaged and-
“We’re gonna get you home,” you heard Cassian speaking softly to you.
Eris moved around in the background, gathering and packing up supplies in another room of whatever isolated home he had brought you to. You never thought you’d be so grateful to see the auburn-haired male, or that he’d actually put his ass on the line to save you, but here he was.
Had he heard you were captured upon your missed meeting? Did he release you himself?
You knew he would have to find a way to explain how you two got out from the cells. It would most likely end in some form of physical abuse toward him from Beron. The thought made your stomach turn with more sorrow and guilt.
“Eris sent a letter to Rhys. He knows where we are, and he’ll be here soon.”
You let the words comfort you, your eyes fluttering shut and muscles trying to relax after being attacked.
A sharp pain separate from the physical torture you endured burned in your heart, though, as you realized how everything was going to change. Your wings were gone. They took your wings, and with it any happiness or confidence you had felt.
You felt tears swim in your vision, your eyes so exhausted you could barely keep them open enough for the liquid to fall down your cheeks. Cassian immediately wiped them away with his thumb, his brow scrunched in concern as he watched you.
“My wings-” your voice wobbled, and Cassian immediately brought his head to yours in a makeshift hug.
“I know,” he tried to soothe, his voice pinched with sympathy. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Daisy.”
Eris appeared once again, carrying a blanket and what looked like a loose nightgown. You only then realized how bare you still were from the dungeon and your injuries.
“Here,” the usually cold Autumn lord set the clothes to the side, pulling the blanket out instead. He draped it across your body, adjusting it so it covered from your shoulders to your toes. Cassian gave him a somewhat surprised and suspicious glance, but nonetheless nodded his head at the male gratefully.
“Rhys responded and should be here any minute. The wards are open to him. I assume he is collecting his own healer-”
Eris didn’t even have a chance to finish before shadows materialized in the corner of the room, an intimidating presence taking up the space and charging for the auburn-haired male.
“What the hell did you do?”
“Azriel-” Cassian jumped to his feet, pulling the shadowsinger back. Azriel’s eyes remained locked on the Autumn Court heir, though, his eyes promising a pain he knew all too well how to deliver. “He got us out. We got caught, and he helped us. Without him, she'd be dead.”
Azriel swallowed harshly, body tense with anger. He seemed to take the moment to consider the words, to consider if he believed in their truth. Ultimately, he dropped his hands and turned toward where you laid.
His face crumpled, all anger and drive deflating into devastation.
Feet carrying him over to you, he fell to his knees in the same spot Cassian had just occupied.
“Oh gods…” he breathed, shaking hand coming to rest against your cheek.
You tried to blink up at him, but your vision was still slightly blurred. You could still see the concern in his eyes, though. The way the green and brown melded together with worry and care, sparking the gold tether in your chest alive.
“My sweet Daisy,” he muttered to himself. “What have they done to you?”
Daisy. The nickname was sweet on his lips, sweet as the day he labeled you as his flower. The young boy who had taken a look at the young Illyrian female ravaging her horrible family's garden in a rage and had endearingly called her Daisy. Had compared her to the pretty life that could grow in a horrible place, in horrible soil that kept preventing her from sprouting.
You didn't know what to tell him. Your body still shook with pain, adrenaline, and shock.
You heard Rhys arrive, heard Cassian and Eris explaining what had occurred to the high lord and his healer. You heard Madja curse at the arrow wounds in Cassian's wings, and Cassian insist she help you first.
"You're going to be okay," Azriel placed a soft kiss to your fingertips peeking out from the top of the blanket. "And I am going to make them pay. They are going to regret ever touching you."
You tried to focus on his pretty eyes, his dark eyelashes highlighting the light hazel. He looked so worried, so hurt himself.
Shuffling behind you made your breath hitch, and then the blanket was being moved down your back, exposing your wounds to the cold air.
You winced, a sound you would equate to a wounded animal echoing into the solemn room. Azriel’s hand gripped your own, eyes watching your reaction intently.
But you watched as his eyes moved from your own to glance at what everyone else was seeing—what Madja was here to work on. His face immediately paled, his jaw clenching tight, and his fingers digging into your own.
Did it look as bad as it felt?
You wondered if someone would be able to find you beautiful after this. If Azriel would be able to look at your skin and see a pretty female and not someone who had been put through a meat grinder.
He swallowed harshly, ripping his eyes away from your back and locking onto your own again.
His chest was rising and falling heavily, as if he was trying to contain himself, reign himself in from exploding.
“I didn’t tell them,” you finally spoke. Your voice was hoarse from screaming and throwing up, and dry from lack of water.
Azriel looked as if you had hit him, and you heard Rhys immediately come to your side next to the shadowsinger. He knelt down and placed a kiss to the sweaty skin at your temple, stroking your hair lovingly before looking at you sternly.
“All we care about right now is that our friend is alive and safe. Don’t worry about anything else right now. I’m not.”
“They wanted Nyx,” you croaked.
Rhysand looked haunted but not surprised. “Cassian told me. We will figure it out and plan for the worst.”
You didn’t answer the high lord, focusing on your breathing as Madja began skimming her hands over the gouges in your back.
Violet eyes met your own, and the hazel eyes next to him watched the healer’s actions with intensity. “I will never be able to repay the price you paid to keep my family safe. I am forever indebted to you.”
Tears fell down Rhys’ cheeks, and you wished you could hug him, the male you think of as a brother. But then you thought of how odd that would feel for you—for him—to hug without your wings.
You remembered his story of being captured during the war. How he said he went through endless abuse and torture, but they didn't touch his wings. He had said that touching them would have been the one way to get him to talk.
But you didn't.
“I’d do it again-” you began to say, but you were cut off by Madja’s actions, a piercing pain shooting through you. You gasped, eyes squeezing shut and hand clamping down on Azriel’s.
“Rhys.” Azriel demanded. What he was demanding, you weren’t sure. But his voice was firm, strong, a tone you hadn’t heard him use before with his brother.
Rhys seemed to understand though, because he stood and walked a few steps to the top of your head, putting a hand there.
“Can I take some of your pain away?” He asked gently, voice still strained from the emotions he showed.
You could barely give a nod of your head with how badly your muscles were tensed in agony. But he saw it, and as you felt the mental talons drag along the walls of your mind, your tear-filled eyes met Azriel’s.
“I’m so proud of you,” the shadowsinger said, eyes gleaming with sorrow. “My strong Daisy. My brave, brave girl.”
And with some of the pain gone—there, but now slightly more bearable as the healer worked—you could breathe a bit easier.
Azriel continued speaking to you, distracting you from the work going on around your body. “Before you know it, we’ll be back in Velaris. We can go to that bookstore you like and pick out as many books as you want. I’ll read one with you, if you want. Even one of those romances you like so much.”
He tried to give you a soft smile, but it looked sad, and it made your heart hurt.
A rough twist near your back and a sob escaped your mouth. Rhys’ energy swarmed stronger in your mind, and Azriel was quick to lean forward, face inches from your own, eyes drowning in fear and worry.
“I’ve got you,” he repeated, voice heavy with panic. “Just focus on me. I know it hurts, but we’ve gotta do it. You’re almost done, sweetheart. Just hold on a bit longer.”
Your cries were becoming louder and you could hear Azriel cursing, could see through your tears the way he tipped his head up to look at Rhys in desperation.
“Can we put her to sleep?” He asked toward the healer, and if you didn’t know what he asked, the sound of his voice would have made you think he was begging.
It was silent for a moment, and you could feel Azriel’s hands start shaking around your limp one in his grasp.
Madja finally responded, sounding grim. “She’s lost a lot of blood. I don’t want to risk it.”
“What can I do?” Azriel pleaded toward the healer.
You tried to control your sobs, control the way your body convulsed at the touches of the healer behind you. But it was excruciating, the lack of wings, the deep tendons, muscles, bones, and nerves ripped from your skin and haphazardly cauterized despite possible infection. And now to try to fix the rushed burns, to check for infection and draw it out...
“Keep her awake.”
Azriel’s head dipped down for a moment, either in sorrow or in order to compose himself. But then he was looking at you, so lovely and beautiful you nearly felt like you were dreaming.
And he tried to sound positive, his voice going up a bit to sound lighter, but it was strained and not entirely convincing.
“I found that cat you have been following around Velaris. The stray that tries to sneak into the coffee shop? I guess some of the customers feed him. They call him Bix, and he lives under the porch of the place.”
Your vision swims as you try to pay attention to what he is saying, and his fingers lightly tap your cheek.
“I'll take you to visit him soon. Okay? I'll even pet him this time."
You tried to smile at the image of the stoic shadowhunter holding a cute stray cat, but even the muscles in your face felt heavy and lethargic.
"Maybe we can get you a cat," he continued when he saw you listening. "I know you’ve always wanted one. And Rhys would probably give you fifty now if you asked.”
His voice was soothing, and the more he spoke, the more you wanted to sleep. His presence was like a balm to the last ten hours, the scent of him, the feel of his hand in yours, the sound of his voice in your ear, all reminded you that you were safe again.
Rhys’ power rushed through you, and you could feel your body start to go numb, the pain ebbing away thanks to your friend and high lord.
Now you were just tired. So so tired.
“Hey-” Azriel sat up a little straighter, the movement pulling your eyelids open once more. “You gotta stay awake, sweetheart. You can sleep soon, I promise. Just not yet.”
But you could barely hear him. Your mind was already falling, vision warping into a blurry vignette.
Azriel was here. You were safe.
“Madja-” Azriel's voice became more frantic as he watched you start to fade. In a panic, he stood from his position at your side and gripped your face in both his palms.
His fingertips were gentle on your face as they lightly tapped, trying to get your attention without hurting you. When you didn’t respond, your heavy eyelids beginning to succumb to sleep, he began to tap a little harder, his strong hands trying to pull you back up.
The last thing you heard before finally allowing a pain free and peaceful rest to overtake you was Azriel pleading your name, a shuffle of two bodies, and then his touch being gone, his deep voice suspended in the room instead—a darkness trailing underneath it that would have had you on your knees if not for you floating into unconsciousness.
“Prepare for a war, Rhysand. Because if she doesn’t wake up, I will slaughter every last member of the Autumn Court.”
Before darkness enveloped you, you briefly wondered if their bodies would look like your own when he was finished.
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Every time I go watch all the Seb edits in my tiktok folder, I just realize how much of a menace I'm going to be when I get to watching 2010. I really am not mentally prepared for the 2010-2013 seasons, I think I will actually explode from how much I love him 😭 I chose to go with 2009 to kinda lean in slowly to the Seb years, but I realized, he's DNFed in both races so far, so I've been spared from the inevitable combustion you guys will witness once he actually gets a podium sjdjkff
#i actually watched the next race China 2009 already but it was like...4 months ago so i might as well!#i vaguely remember being insane abt it but don't worry it can only get worse from here#but seriously watching edits of him im like thumping my chest w my fist cause i feel so !!!!! abt him#so i really cant imagine what its gonna be like to actually watch those races...god...#2010 is my favorite season in terms of narrative and general aesthetic(of rbr and seb yknow)#so like ik a lot abt it but hold myself back from watching it bcs i know im gonna be so deranged abt it#those gifposts are gonna be like 30 gifs i swear to you dhfkgkgl#but ah! china 2009! probably one of my fav races ever!#but i wasnt too experienced when i first watched it so itll be good to rewatch it#but its very emotionally important to me okay?? my emotional support race 🤧#okay sry its quite late at night and im in such a !!!!!! mood abt tiktok edits#i think i just love him too much for my heart to contain sometimes....#idk when ill be able to watch china 2009 tho cause this wk is finals wk 😬#<- i say that but watch me do it by the end of the wk hahahaha#catie.rambling.txt
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If they're going to make people ride bikes and scooters in traffic, then it should at LEAST be legal to do the Snow Crash thing where you use a hook-shot-style harpoon to catch free rides from cars.
Urban Planning Opinion Progression [Explained]
Transcript Under the Cut
Typical urban planning opinion progression
[Each panel is connected to a point on a timeline]
Cueball: I wish there wasn't so much traffic to get into the city. They should put in more lanes.
Megan: And more parking.
Megan: Parking is so bad here.
Knit Cap: I have to go to Amsterdam for work next week. I hear they all ride bikes there.
Ponytail: Bikes are fine but people shouldn't ride them in the street! I worry I'm going to hit someone!
Cueball: It would be nice if we had better transit options!
Cueball: I tried a scooter. It was fun but I wish there were more bike paths.
Megan: It's funny how widening roads to speed up traffic makes them more dangerous to walk near, making driving more necessary and creating more traffic.
Megan: Really makes you think.
Knit Cap: Visiting the Netherlands was cool!
Knit Cap: Amsterdam is really neat.
Cueball: We've ceded so much of our land to storing and moving cars, with the rest of us tiptoeing around the edges and making drivers mad for trespassing on "their" space.
Cueball: Even though we're the ones in danger from them!
Megan: Those giant trucks with front blind spots that keep hitting kids should be illegal.
Knit Cap: We should be more like the Netherlands.
Knit Cap: They design their street to prioritize...
Cueball: The problem is car culture. It's systemic.
Cueball: I don't know if we can fix it.
Megan: People approach road planning decisions from the point of view of drivers because that's how we're used to interacting with the city, so we make choices that make it more car-friendly.
Megan: It's a vicious cycle.
Knit Cap: Netherlands! Netherlands! Netherlands! Netherlands!
Cueball: Anything that makes a city a worse place to drive in makes it a better place to live, short of scattering random tire spikes on the road.
Megan: Honestly, I think the city council should consider the tire spikes thing.
#xkcd#xkcd 2832#urban planning opinion progression#webcomics#urban planning#transport#car transport#walkable cities#bikeable cities#cars
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