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realhousewives-fan · 2 months

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It’s the End of the World (for Kyle)

A month after Kyle Richards’ White Party, the People Magazine article broke about Kyle and Mauricio Umansky was separating after 27 years of marriage.

The worst part of this episode was seeing and hearing how the news had affected Kyle’s daughters.

While it was hell on earth for Kyle who thought it was the end of the world, the rest of the women tried to make sense of the shocking news.

Dorit Kemsley and PK who probably were the closest to Kyle and Mauricio in this group, had no idea things between them were that bad.

The producers added that Dorit and Kyle hadn’t spoken since December, and it might have to do something with Dorit’s comment on WWHL.

She felt like Morgan Wade had gotten between her and Kyle, and the closer they got, the further Kyle got from Dorit.

Speaking of Morgan, Crystal Kung Minkoff’s husband, Rob Minkoff, suggested that Morgan could’ve been the one who leaked the story to People Magazine!

Sutton Stracke on the other hand, felt vindicated. She was once again being very vocal about her suspicions.

And she was mad that she had gotten chastised for asking questions about her marriage.

Well, in all honesty, the way Sutton had asked her questions didn’t exactly create a safe space for Kyle to pour her heart out and be vulnerable in.

Kyle appears to be more and more distant from the group. She wasn’t as close with them as she’s usually been.

It seemed at the end that the only one she felt comfortable talking about this with, was Erika Girardi.

Erika is probably the one who really understands what Kyle might go through. She showed up to comfort Kyle and calm down her anxiety.

It was very sweet of Kyle to ask Erika to perform at her White Party. Denise Richards was making snide comments nonstop about watching Erika lip-singing.

There were parts of this episode that was just quintessentially RHOBH too.

Kyle had stolen Lisa Vanderpump’s over the top party planner, Kevin Lee and she was impersonating Vanderpump.

Would she come back next season?!

#Real Housewives of Beverly Hills #RHOBH #Kyle Richards #Mauricio Umansky #Dorit Kemsley #Paul Kemsley #WWHL #Morgan Wade #Crystal Kung Minkoff #Rob Minkoff #Sutton Stracke #Erika Girardi #Denise Richards #Lisa Vanderpump #Kevin Lee

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goddesspharo · 8 months

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writer asks: 17, 18, 23

[ask me about writing!]

17. What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic? While writing a time loop fic (that ended up not seeing the light of day in that iteration anyway), I went down a massive wormhole researching chaos theory and LET ME TELL YOU I still think about small differences in initial conditions leading to the impossibility of meaningful predictions. I need to write about time loops more.

18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic? I am very bad at remembering lines I really liked writing or reading, not just in my work but in any prose written by anyone-not-named-Joan-Didion (“A single person is missing for you, and the whole world is empty” floors me as much now as it did ten years ago when I read it for the first time), but I just watched a RHOBH trailer tonight, a show I haven’t watched in years, so I’m going with “Groping each other during a Real Housewives marathon hardly counts as dating” from smoother than the LA weather as being a fave.

23. How do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)?

Apparently I’ve decided that I can only write AUs that are so long and complicated that they need multiple chapters to work so I am a bit more disciplined when writing multi-chapter fics than one-shots (outlines vs vibes) simply to maintain internal consistency within the world I’ve created. But the one benefit of that is I know which plot beats I want to hit in a chapter and where that falls in the larger outline of the story as a whole. Within those moments, some lend themselves naturally to being better chapter endings than others. I also tend to end at a moment that can exist on its own while still being intriguing enough to make someone read the next chapter. I don’t like cliffhangers because a) I like the luxury of being able to skip forward a few days/weeks/whatever at the start of the next chapter; b) I try to end things so that if I were to never pick up that WIP again, it could still exist as a semi-contained story (although one that is not entirely satisfying because all the questions haven’t been answered) instead of one that ends on a gotcha moment. I can’t remember now which showrunner said that they tried to have each season of a show have a clear ending because they owed the viewers a complete story (especially in the landscape of things getting cancelled three seconds after they’re put out in the world) and I agree with that wholeheartedly. You’ll never get a “who shot JR?” chapter ending from me. It feels a little cheap.

#ask me things #we can pretend there is a thought process behind any of this

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broodpeas · 11 months

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random thoughts on RHOBH

I'm watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills again, in between watching other tv shows I didn't wanna watch until I knew I had the time to do so (watched Moon Knight, the best of two worlds: indiana jones and the mummy!). It has been, as usual, an experience to watch a pseudo-reality tv show about wealthy yt women who seem to enjoy tackling each other in the harshest way.

Because I jumped late on this ship, I'm sure later seasons the show tries to mend some of the things they have done so far that they consider to be bad (for example, highlighting in the worst possible way, how an addiction affects not only a personbut that person's family and make everyone a judge of the situation). With each season I wonder...well, basically, I wonder why. And, are people really like this in real life? Because, even if this is a heavily scripted tv show, we still are talking about people and I can't help but wonder if people are really doing things like doubting someone's disease (season 6), domestic abuse (season 1 and season 2), divorce (season 2 and season 3), and the privacy of minor and their right to exist without having a camera shoved in their faces. I wonder why presenting this on television? why making of this entertainment? and how this specific entertainment differentiates from the other ways we consume in pop culture? Ultimately, tv and movies -but especially tv- exploits this and we take it all, even when we think and believe it's done carefully, gracefully, or whatever (always good to ask ourselves what this implies). I think in the past I had writenn about this, but it's still nice to know that I enjoy watching it. I really do. I don't know what witchery this tv show has but it is good, it's so good. And with every season, aware of the "degradation", I still think they can't go far -and then, they do! So far, season 6 started with a man peeping a woman's underskirt and his wife saying it's her fault because she wasn't wearing any underwear! Ah, makes perfect sense!

At the same time, I think too this show is very telling of the upper class of entitled gringas that sometimes do come to this part of the continent and are amazed we have wifi. Which by the way, reminds me to tell to whomever reads this, please let's not find this shocking anymore. It's the year 2023 of our lord Beyoncé who's on tour currently -and giving you so many fashion references I don't think an academic paper will ever be enough-, and we know the condescending ways the gringos exist in the world. RHOBH simply let's you go a little deeper into this, to wonder how in hell did we let things go this far and how great it is because we find amusement. I have always wondered, when the cameras are gone, and they're just them, people living on earth, do they look at themselves and think "this is just a job"? Instead of a version of squid game that violently murders people, maybe this is the real squid game. A very nice one, because I will not stop watching it- must be said, it really doesn't make you a better person to put yourself in the position of judge here.

In any case, it will always be interesting to disssect the Real Housewives franchise from the ethics point of view, and especially from a feminist point of view. Because one could say that yes, tv shows like this makes us abandon all feminist flagpoles and shit, I honestly think this is a too hurried on position. There's a reason why this specific part of television and pop culture is viewed and appreciated by us. For so long gossip and cattiness has been understood as negative and even here, I understand them as negative values. RH has given permission to turn around this, to pose the question why are they bad? if you think carefully, ethics wasn't really built by so-called marginal groups, it was built by men. I mean, what's the first book of ethics I read on my philosophy BA? Aristotle! and Socrates was well, he was difficult, I don't think he'll ever admit how catty and dramatic he was (girl, you died drinking poison instead of escaping, do you think LVP would've done that hell no, she would've made dorit drink the poison!!!). And we all know this, and this isn't the exact place to discuss the implications or consequences this has, but it really does let you think with more attention and detail why these tv shows are considered "trash tv" instead of....culture. I don't think RH is bad tv, I think it's an specific form of entertainment that is so specific to our contemporary times we really have no way to compare it with anything else. This also lets us come close to what it means when a scripted television show starts to meddle with serious stuff, such as addiction, domestic abuse, harassment, and so on and on, and does so with not much care or tact. They just do it, they give it you raw.

But anyway, this was very random, like almost everything I write. Time to get back to work.

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veronicasanders · 2 years

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tagged by effervescent goddess @glittertrail ✨✨✨✨

last tv show: well, I’m watching all stars 7 right now but the last episode of something I finished was real housewives of beverly hills - season 1 (one of my friends convinced me to start it and even thought there are 3 blonde bitches I can’t tell apart, I’m not hating it)

last song: well I was listening to the Godspell soundtrack, and I stopped it on “Alas for You” which is a little bleak but there you go.

currently watching: way too much, I’m a TV whore…as7 and rhobh (see above), as well as real housewives of both New Jersey and Atlanta (current seasons), a rewatch of masterchef junior (look, I know it’s probably staged but I’m a sucker for children having fun and being nice to each other), the 47th rewatch of the baby-sitter’s club on netflix, the connors (shut up okay, I’ve been invested in this family since the 80s), a Swedish show called “bonus family” where I hate pretty much all the characters but I need to practice Swedish so…, a YouTube show that Edith got me hooked on called “fundie fridays,” and my “news” shows to sort of keep up with shit (last week tonight with john oliver, full frontal with samantha bee, the amber ruffin show, and monologues from colbert and seth meyers), and waiting to watch derry girls until I can handle it emotionally

currently reading: well, the last book book I read was ‘Humankind’ by Rutget Bregman and I fucking loved it, but I’m waiting to start the next one (which I think will be MLK’s ‘Where Do We Go From Here?’) until I finish this class because we have an insane amount of reading every week and I can barely keep up.

Tagging: (only if you want, obv, and feel free to answer on whatever blog you want) @theartificialdane @optimisticfruitcup @rhododendronprophet @missdandee @opalescent-cheetah @artificialedith @tumble4rpdr @aqalbatross @artificialpuddle @hausofliaison @kitschypixel @puppywritesthings @imalwaysaslutfordrag @laineecope @fab-wolf-in-the-gloom @grinder-lector @purecamp @fannyatrollop

#tag game #walking down the glittertrail #I know this isn't one of your asks but I think you get credit anyway

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pondsphuwin · 2 years

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reveal your watch & rewatch drama list

was tagged by my lovelies @snimeat and @liankuea. thank u babes ♡

CURRENTLY WATCHING:

- Kinnporsche the series (icb it’s ending i might cry)

- Even Sun

- To My Star 2

- The Devil Judge

- Checkout The Series

- What we do in the shadows (not drama i know)

- RHOBH/RHTUGT (not drama but lol yes i’m reality tv trash as well)

REWATCHING:

- Kinnporsche the series (I’m doing a rewatch, currently on EP 7)

LOOKING FORWARD TO:

- Between us, GAP the series, Bad Prosecutor, Moonlight Chicken, War of Y, Vice-versa

tagging anyone who wants to do this <3

#was tagged

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footballffbarbiex · 2 years

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Bestie do you have a favourite movie/ series?

I love EUPHORIA😭😭😭😭it's my life

I started watching that! I got onto season 2 but can't remember where I got up to.

I like Brassic, Virgin River, RHOBH, Umbrella Academy.

I'm a sucker for Ghibli, Spirited Away is probably one of my favourite comfort movies.

Which do you like?

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sainzcaleruega · 11 months

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omg i thought i had 2 more seasons of rhobh left but im ar the reunion of the last season??? help???

#what am i going to do with my life after this???#i am going to miss my emotional support women #my comfort bitches #i love them so much #do watches rhobh

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bisluthq · 2 years

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The way deux gets excited about Lindsay Lohan's comeback and posts non-stop about rhobh and satc is enough to know she's not in her 20s. But it's still unbelievable that being a citizen of nyc, she doesn't know popular goss over the years and no black friends too. Like what exactly does she do living in nyc then lol?

I mean I think the RH stuff and the SATC stuff could’ve been ironic millennial vibes - like my age demographic watched SATC in our formative years lol and we did like it and my sister wanted SATC themed cupcakes for her bachelorette and shit (ironically) - but I think we now know for sure that nothing is ironic for Deux lol. She’s not posting in a quirky Betches way, she just legit likes this stuff.

I am so curious why she needed to keep it a secret at all? Her OG friend had a famous granny but this lady seems like a rando Gen X white lady with a fame adjacent friend?

She’s a social media genius for how she blew up tho.

#nat talks deux

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saintlaurentproblems · 2 months

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I also don’t get enough Bravo asks. 🙄 | well which bravo shows do you watch (so I know what I can ask lol)?

*clears throat*

Vanderpump Rules, Below Deck, Southern Charm, Summer House, RHONY, RHOC, RHOBH, RHONJ, RHOSC, & WWHL

Also I’m currently watching Selling Beverly Hills on Netflix (about The Agency owned by Kyle Richards husband)

#answered

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realhousewives-fan · 6 months

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Teddi Thinks Kyle is Protecting Mauricio!

After the very awkward scene between Kyle Richards and Mauricio Umansky, it has become clear that something is going on with their marriage.

As I mentioned in my post about the episode, Kyle has always been very passionate about her hot husband.

But now he doesn’t know how many tattoos she had gotten. She made a jab about him not paying attention to her body anymore.

He then went on to say that he would not allow any more tattoos, to which she answered that she would do whatever she wants to do.

While the scene was awkward with tension and it was obvious that this was two people out of sync, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave could see that Kyle was pissed.

On her podcast Two Ts in a Pod, she said that:

“I think it’s clear at this point Kyle’s not ready to open up fully and it looks to me like she’s protecting Mauricio but she’s freaking pissed.”

Teddi is no longer a part of RHOBH, but she’s still close to Kyle.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Teddi knows what’s really bothering Kyle.

“I think that it’s clear by watching this that Kyle is hiding how she’s feeling about things with Mauricio. […] Most of the time, the person that effs up isn’t the angry one.”

Before the season premiere there were a lot of fans accusing Kyle of faking marital issues to secure her spot on RHOBH.

I think we’ve gotten to know some version of Kyle over the years, and she has always been so protective of her family.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she adores her family and would never put them through something like this for rating.

And it’s not the first time we’ve heard about Mauricio cheating on her.

I kept thinking that this was Kathy Hilton’s threat in Aspen:

She knew the truth about Mauricio, and it could ruin Kyle’s family if she exposed him.

Even her best friend is alluding to Mauricio cheating now on a very popular podcast.

It doesn’t seem like a fake storyline to me.

#Real Housewives of Beverly Hills #RHOBH #Kyle Richards #Mauricio Umansky #Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave #Two Ts in a Pod #Kathy Hilton

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thestylesfamilysblog · 4 months

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Okay Ro since you are one of my Real Housewives watching besties, how do you feel about RHOBH this season? I feel like AnneMarie is just trying to make herself relevant😂

I think Anne Marie needs a new husband, he says she’s only an 8.5 and not a ten in anything? Girl no thanks, Harry says I’m a 10 all day everyday, also Sutton is getting on my nerves😒 - Ro

#thestylesfamily #rostyles

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hbogirls · 4 months

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Top 5 on rhobh rn? Top 5 MUNA songs? Top 5 pizza toppings?

rhobh

erika!! she's been my girl since she showed up season 6 of course, and she's finally having a season where she's allowed to breathe a bit, thank god. she's legit so funny i love her. and i do listen to her music lol

kyle lol she's going THROUGH IT clearly but i find it hard not to be loyal to her/root for her because we've been following her since 2010. i do not understand kyle haters in the slightest. also she's important anxious girl representation

dorit, too, has had a rough few episodes (entirely her own doing obv) but she makes me laugh and she dresses well even though her house is ugly and watching her try to understand things is so amusing. there's something alien-esque about her that intrigues me

garcelle i do like a lot, but often she aligns herself with sutton and then i usually cannot support. but she's so accomplished and such a good mom and seemingly very open and FUN when she feels comfortable, so i hope she gets to a place with the group where she feels increasingly more able to let loose a little bit and build solid friendships beyond sutton (that dinner with erika where they got tanked was a great example!! so delightful!!)

crystal... kind of ineffective as a full-time housewife because she either avoids conflict or picks the wrong conflicts, but i do LIKE her. when she gets scenes with her husband and kids she seems very genuine and sweet, and she has good confessionals on occasion

and none for sutton and annemarie bye!

muna

home by now

stayaway

so special

kind of girl

the cover of sometimes by britney that they did for the credits of fire island lollll i listen to it all the time

pizza

sausage always and forever

mushrooms

whole roasted garlic cloves (this one sounds gross but is good i promise)

i love margherita pizza which is like it's own whole deal

spinach with a white sauce base... magic

#thanks for asking!! <3

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cyarsk52-20 · 11 months

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Good-bye, Scandoval, You Sweet, Glorious Monster

Brian Moylan, who writes Vulture's Housewives Institute BulletinJune 9, 2023

This column originally appeared in Brian Moylan’s newsletter, The Housewives Institute Bulletin. Sign up here to be the first to read the next edition.

Usually I like to welcome you to the Housewives Institute Bulletin with some jokes and a couple pieces of big news you might have missed, like that Kathy Hilton is not returning to RHOBH or that Shannon Beador took a selfie with her devilish ex David at the Quiet Woman. But not this month. Instead I would just like to express thanks. Thanks to Tom Sandoval’s narcissism and Raquel’s [insert armchair diagnosis of your choice here], we got one of the best seasons of reality television of all time, and hashing out the minutiae of the dumpster fire happening in the SUR Alley, a UNESCO World Heritage site, with the smartest, funniest, best fans on the planet made it that much more enjoyable.

So this issue is a tribute to all of you Scandoval lovers. We have the winners and losers of the whole affair, a peek at what’s going on with Schwartz on Stars on Mars, and a walk down Raquel nickname memory lane. But first, the big question facing Vanderpumpfans: Where do we go from here?

The Post-Scandoval Era Is Upon Us

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo: Bravo

On the eve of the finale of a record-breaking season of Vanderpump Rules, executive producer Alex Baskin — who runs Evolution Media, which produces the show along with RHOC, RHOBH, and others for Bravo — gave an interview to the Hollywood Reporter debunking some popular internet rumors and saying Raquel is not pregnant and that the focus of the show is not moving to Schwartz & Sandy’s. But mostly he walked back his previous comments suggesting that the big revelation at the end of the reunion might make the cast reevaluate whether they want to sign their contracts for the next season. He gave some hints of what season 11 might look like now that contracts are going out, saying there are discussions about bringing back former cast members; that the cast can’t really say, “Sorry, but I’m not filming with that person”; and that Vanderpump Rules as we know it is going to look pretty much the same. (Although it may have some interesting new competition in the form of Hulu’s just-announced Vanderpump Villa, which is about the staff of Lisa’s French chateau and guest house and will be produced by Lisa herself with a different production company, Bunim/Murray.)

“The cast knows that those conditional demands never work,” Baskin says. “It’s a matter of dialing in what is organic for the group to be together, what makes sense. And knowing we want to see where they go from here. It can’t be a show with separate islands. That doesn’t work and it’s not exciting if we have groups who agree with each other but never interact.”

I agree with what he says, but how exactly is that going to happen? Will there be cast parties at Tom Tom and no one shows up but the Toms? Is Scheana going to be forced to have the Toms crash her inevitable vow renewal in Punta Cana, the two of them sitting in their robes watching from a balcony like the new Katie Maloney and Kristina Always Both Names Kelly? And what if production does force everyone to hang out with the Toms? Is every episode just going to be DJ James Kennedy and Lauren Kent (that’s for trying to pretend like using the name “Lala” is somehow different from using “Raquel”) shouting at the Toms about how disgusting they are? That’s not really a show I want to watch.

And what about Raquel? Baskin says they’re in talks with her team, but she can’t be capable of doing another season. I don’t know that I want to see her do another season. Yeah, what she did was awful, but this horse is already dead. We don’t have to set it on fire while it tries to apply false eyelashes.

So if Raquel is out, who is coming back? Katie just saidshe doesn’t think that Stassi Schroeder or Kristen Doute, who were fired in 2020 for racist behavior toward castmate Faith Stowers, are interested in returning. Although Doute returned for a flip-flopped scene with Ariana in which they tried to exorcize their mutual ex, doing a little cameo and coming back full time are two different things. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see Kristen at some lunches, but, yeah, I don’t think she’s going to be hanging out at SUR in the opening any time soon.

That leaves us with Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright, the heirs to a MeeMaw’s Beer Cheese fortune. Please, in the name of all the saints in heaven and the reality stars below, do not bring Jax and Brittany back. Jax and his lying, cheating pathologyhad become tired by the time he declared it “his show” and Lisa Vanderpump had him summarily banned from the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard that she won in a duel with the man who discovered West Hollywood. This pasta-ed-up blowhard shouting about how he was right about Tom Sandoval the whole time is the last thing this show needs.

But the show clearly needed something before season ten kicked off; it had been faltering with fans and in the ratings for years. And this season did show some improvements outside of the Scandoval of it all. Lisa Vanderpump’s role had become increasingly irrelevant over the years, but I loved how this season repositioned her from lording over the SURvers at her restaurant to serving as mentor to different groups of budding restaurant entrepreneurs. It seems like there is a future in a show set up like that, with Lisa as the bridge between the two sides — if not trying to make them get along, then at least getting them into the same venue for filming opportunities.

With or without Lisa, though, Evolution still has to figure out how to blend two camps that absolutely hate each other. Does the show try to pull a season eight and bring in a whole new host of characters who work at Schwartz & Sandy’s? Maybe. Do Ariana and her coterie of gays get more attention for sitting around watching Love Island? Also maybe. Or maybe the show becomes about forgiveness, who can earn it and who deserves it … Oh, please, this isn’t a reboot of The Leftovers. We want absolute messiness, and we want it now.

The problem facing Evolution is the same one facing another Bravo-aligned production company, Sirens Media, which put RHONJ on pause after the intractable rift between Joe and Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice and the 180-pound hunk of ground beef she recently married. In recent years the show has become entirely about sides, with Melissa huddling on her couch with Margaret Josephs and new girl Rachel Fuda, and Teresa standing by with her sniveling toady Jennifer Aydin and other new girl Danielle Cabral. (Where’s Dolores? Just letting that fence give her inner thighs splinters.) Before the RHONJ reunion I was team “Fire both Melissa and Teresa and start over,” but after Melissa’s masterful gloves-off performance and Teresa following her man down the rabbit hole, I can envision a future where they both get to stay and the show continues on.

But again: How? It was already inorganic that Katie and Tom Schwartz had to have dinner in Mexico to celebrate selling their house when they clearly hate each other post-divorce and would rather be anywhere else. How are we going to get people who loathe each other to such an electrifying extent in the same room again and have it seem like anything akin to, well, reality?

The good news is that is not our job to figure out, and if you can, you should call either Evolution or Sirens immediately and trade in your soul for a career in the reality-television arts and sciences. But these people have given us so many great shows, so many excellent moments over the years, that if anyone can figure it out, it’s them. Just please don’t let the answer — on either coast, or really ever in life — be Jax Taylor.

VULTURE’S COMPLETE GUIDE TO SCANDOVAL

The Tragic Zero

The Affair of the Lighting-Bolt Necklace

The Religious Ecstasy of the Bravo Fandom

So That Was the Vanderpump Rules Finale’s Big ‘Twist’?

Our Scandalous Vanderpump Rules Theories Are Good As Gold

A Study in Vanderpump Rules Facial Acting

A Judge Dismissed Raquel Leviss’s Restraining Order, Post-Reunion Taping

Ariana Madix on the Future of Vanderpump Rules

Every Detail of the Vanderpump Rules Scandoval Drama in Chronological Order

Where Celebs Stand on Scandoval

10 Vanderpump Rules Episodes that Hit Different After Scandoval

Ariana Madix Confirms Miami Girl Rumors

Kristen Doute Says Tom Sandoval Cheated on Ariana Madix ’Multiple’ Times

Is Scandoval Good for Business?

Who From Succession Has What It Takes to Survive Vanderpump Rules?

Tom Sandoval Airs Dirty Laundry on Howie Mandel’s Podcast

Ariana Madix Joins Cast of Lifetime Movie Buying Back My Daughter

We Love Mess?

All the Season’s Recaps

The Winners and Losers of Scandoval

There’s never been a reality-television scandal as cut-and-dried as the one we’ve been marveling at for the past three months. It’s clear that the winner here is Ariana and her whole side of the reunion and the losers are, well, everyone else. But let’s turn the lens on our microscope up one level and see how some of Scandoval’s more outlying entities fared.

WINNER: “Good as Gold” The Scheana Shay track was always a certified bop, but when Uber One turned it into sponcon it became what it was always meant to be: not a single, but a jingle.

LOSER: Lightning Bolts Not even Zeus wants his anymore.

WINNER: Merch Whether it’s Lala’s “Send It to Darryl” hoodie, Katie and Ariana’s “Something About Her” T-shirts, or everything Worm With a Mustache, your gag gifts are covered for the next decade.

LOSER: Sandoval’s Mom’s Retirement Fund She sunk it all into Schwartz & Sandy’s, a restaurant that has had its Yelp reviews permanently frozen.

WINNER: Katie Maloney’s Hair In ten seasons she had never once had a good hair day until she showed up to film that reunion. Shellac that wig and never take it off.

LOSER: White Nail Polish It’s Joey Buttafuoco pants for millennials.

WINNER: Love Island Who doesn’t want to sit around and watch this with Ariana, Logan, and the rest of the crew? (Yes, Tom, it is a time commitment, but that’s what makes it fun!)

LOSER: Pageants This scandal is the worst thing reality TV did to the pageant circuit since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

WINNER: White Claw Scheana sitting in her trailer 100 yards from the reunion watching it while gripping a can of hard seltzer was literally every single one of us.

LOSER: Coors Light The Toms’ and Raquel’s drink of choice was disgusting to start with. Now it’s on a whole different level.

WINNER: TikTok This hasn’t been the Chinese spying app’s biggest or best scandal, but it really was where all of us were going to get our news for months.

LOSER: The Most Extras Imagine the indignity of being Tom’s backing band and having to play concerts every night to a crowd of people who hate you.

WINNER: Bravo It revitalized a flagging franchise, made a whole heap of cash, and found itself in the Zeitgeist in a way it hasn’t been since the glory days of Real Housewives.

LOSER: Andy Cohen He’s an executive producer on all the Housewivesshows, but not Pump Rules. However, his faces did win the reunion.

WINNER: Us I don’t think we’re ever going to see a reality-TV moment like this again, and it has been an absurdly amusing ride.

How Are Our Friends Doing?

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos:

He narrowly escaped being booted first and left us this very telling quote.

The Name Game

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo: Bravo

From the first moment Raquel graced our television screens, I didn’t like her. She seemed like a certain type of striving, vacuous California girl with nothing at her core other than a desire for fame and probably the Hailey Bieber smoothie from Erewhon. I decided then and there that every time her name came up in a recap I would give her a scathing epithet. Although my linguistic war on her eventually ceased — I was blinded by her charm for a season or so — I figured it was appropriate to pay homage to her reign of terror by recapping everything I ever called Raquel (and thank you to Institute member Ashley for compiling this list).

• If a pumpkin spice latte grew legs, walked itself over to a SoulCycle class, bought itself an adult coloring book and a pair of Tory Burch flats, and then showed up at bottomless brunch 15 minutes late, it wouldn’t be any more basic than James’s 21-year-old beauty-pageant girlfriend, whom he met at New Year’s Eve at Pump

• A random bit of glitter you pick off your face on a Sunday morning

• A $9.99 bikini top from H&M

• The line in front of Sephora for a Jenner sister’s new lip kit

• An 11:11 wish for the perfect pair of yoga pants

• A half-finished La Croix that someone left behind on their table at Sweetgreen

• An owl that can’t muster even a hoot

• A Hello Kitty backpack with nothing inside

• A casserole made out of only yellow Starburst and discontinued lip gloss

• Fifteen different eyeshadows in search of a palette

• Boring, dumb, and more monotonous than a YouTube video where screaming goats sing “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”

• A balloon of whippets you do while tailgating to see an unranked state school play football.

• A stalled Barbie Ferrari

• The human equivalent of Sweetgreen transitioning to a tech company

• A carousel horse with one hind leg missing

• A deck chair left out in the sun too long

• A scrunchie on the doorknob of an abandoned room

• The Goop candle that doesn’t smell like Gwynnie’s vagina that no one bought

• A dish of Sparkle Dog–brand dog food with no water in it

• A cell-phone tower disguised to look like a palm tree

• A pair of yoga pants that have lost their stretch

• A Starburst that … wait, I’m not going to do that today

• The last vegan pizza left in Whole Foods during coronavirus hoarding

• The one pack of Minions Valentine’s cards left on a Rite Aid shelf on February 15

• A free yoga mat you get after buying 12 Moon Juices in eight days

• A pair of Jessica Simpson gummi sandals

• A bottle of kombucha someone left in the back of a Lyft

• A Mentos commercial that ends in tragedy

• A TikTok challenge made flesh

• A Japanese vending machine that only sells schoolgirls’ panties

• A brand of rosé Champagne for puppies

• A luridly pink Rabbit vibrator whose batteries have died

• The human stepsister of that paper puppet girl who talks to you between levels of Candy Crush

• A Pinterest board for mason-jar wedding centerpieces

• All of the melons in an Edible Arrangement

• A human version of Dexter’s sister Dee Dee from Dexter’s Laboratory

• A single My Little Pony pool floatie bobbing in the water.

• The magenta briefs under a Hamptons tennis skirt

• A Lush bath bomb that smells like sugar-free gum and skipping third period

• A ”Which Disney Princess Are You?” Instagram filter where every answer is Ariel

• A TikTok dance so embarrassing even JoJo Siwa won’t do it

• A TikTok challenge that only three people did

• A Botox vial with a Depop store

• A good witch who uses a mascara brush as her wand

• A TikTok sea chantey about lip liner

• A piece of Away luggage that will only allow itself to be packed with Fashion Nova

• A strawberry salad with unicorn dressing

• The pink dog on Paw Patrol with eyelash extensions

• A scrunchie-flavored La Croix

• A K-pop single about espresso martinis

• A gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free keto seaweed cupcake

• A catered floral-dress-themed tea party in a public park

• All of the colored bits in a Funfetti cupcake sculpted into a toy chihuahua

• A Depop listing for an original Jonas Brothers–tour T-shirt

• A miniature pinscher in a “Girl Boss” sweater

• A Peloton class that only plays “Baby Shark” on a loop

• A gorgeous-looking succulent in a little pot that says “THRIVE” on the side in glitter letters but whose leaves are used for making the world’s most deadly poison

• A scam Instagram account that’s trying to get you to invest in crypto

Recap Highlights

Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photo: Bravo

Vanderpump Rules: “Lala knows deep down inside she and Raquel are the same person. They’re both name-changers who wanted to use reality television to get really, really famous, and they might have fucked some shady-ass dudes to get there.” [Reunion Part 3]

Real Housewives of Atlanta: “The Real Housewives of Atlanta is in the midst of a crisis. It’s beginning to feel as if the visual revamp of the show was the equivalent of Phaedra dressing a corpse up in its Sunday best before being buried six feet beneath the Earth’s surface.” [Season 15, Episode 5]

Real Housewives of Orange County: “The name of her yoga studio is Devi Rebel Yoga, but based on the sign, it looked like Devl Rebel Yoga as if it was named after both Rebel Wilson, no one’s favorite Australian, and Devl, which is “Devil” with no i, which is probably the name of an app for Satanists.” [Season 17 premiere]

Summer House: Martha’s Vineyard: “No matter the race, throwing a group of attractive, camera-hungry young people in a house filled with alcohol is not going to turn into a convention about civil rights. There’s been bountiful conflict, more than enough to balance some of the poignant conversations about race, creating an authentic portrayal of modern Blackness.” [Season 1, Episode 5]

Below Deck Sailing Yacht: “Colin admits that he and Daisy ‘have always been flirty’ with each other, but that their finally acting on it is still surprising. I don’t buy it! Surely I’m not the only one who thinks something romantic happened between them long before the cameras started rolling?” [Season 4 Episode 9]

Dame Brian Moylan breaks down all the gossip and drama, on- and off-screen, for dedicated students of the Reality Television Arts and Sciences.

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