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the-blind-assassin-12 · 5 years

Note

Ryan: P: (3, 6, 14, 24), P/F: (10, 16), L: (4, 5), C: (3), F: (1, 4, 8), P: (6), V: (1, 3), DL: (1, 9)

I had a lot to say here…

Ryan always makes me ramble.

Personality

3-Are they more optimistic or pessimistic?

Ryan is extremely optimistic. He’s not naive. He’s seen his fair share of hardship and struggle. But he looks on the bright side of every situation he finds himself in. He knows that life is short- unexpectedly so sometimes- and he knows that it’s better to have a positive outlook than a negative one because it makes that short time more enjoyable. He trusts his gut and usually things work out for him, so he doesn’t see a reason to change to a more negative outlook. He keeps his expectations reasonable and his baggage light, and the majority of the time, Ryan is a truly happy person down to his bones.

6-What bad habits do they have?

Aside from smoking, which he’s told himself that he’d try to quit a few times now, the only other “bad habit” he has is that he can’t take a compliment well. He tries to deflect, claim that its the song that’s great, not his playing, or that the sound is only as good as it is because of who he’s playing with, all the while the skin between his beard and his eyes is blushing a rosy pink hue. It’s not a bad habit in that it hurts anyone, but he has to work on receiving praise, because he absolutely deserves it.

14-What is their greatest fear?

Ryan’s not afraid of much. He doesn’t love heights, but that won’t stop him from climbing a roof that needs patching or looking out over the ledge of a bridge or balcony. He’s not the biggest fan of elevators, but he rarely ever has to use one so that’s not much of an issue, either. But there is one thing that will make his eyes go wide and the hair on the back of his neck stand straight up: Scorpions.

He’d run into them for the first time in Yuma, AZ, camping with Cowboy and Virginia. Sure, there were scorpions in Georgia, but not in the Southeast where he grew up, and certainly not poisonous ones. But a bark scorpion found its way into Ryan’s boot one night, and he almost shoved his foot right on top of it in the morning had Virginia not grabbed his arm and yanked the boot out of his hand. At first he was confused, but his mouth dropped open and an “oh, shit!” slipped out as she upended his shoe and a little yellow armored creature plunked out onto the stony, sandy ground, pincers raised and tail poised to strike.

“Always check your boots, Brenner,” Cowboy slapped him on the back as he came back to the campsite, a smirk on his face as he threw his friend a wink and kissed his girl on the cheek.

From that moment on, Ryan has never once put his shoes on without checking them.

Aside from scorpions he has another fear that really only started developing as he got older and the invincibility of his twenties started to fade, and that fear is of dying alone. His father, Oz, Cowboy… they were all alone in their last moments, and he couldn’t help but wonder: were they cold? In pain? Suffering? How long until someone found them? What was that like, those last few seconds of life with no one there as you entered the abyss? The thought gave him chills so he tried to push it from his mind whenever it cropped up, would call a friend or one of his cousins to distract from the fear. He also knew what the other side of that coin was like; remembered as clearly as if it were yesterday both calls from Robin and Virginia, and the guilt that he felt when he heard the news. He didn’t want Georgie or Louie or anyone else to get that call about him, to feel that guilt of “I shoulda met him in Tupelo or Jacksonville or Cheyenne.” He was careful, always trying his best to stay out of any dangerous situations- something that he knew Oz and Cowboy weren’t keen on, and something that he’d been told his father hadn’t been the best at either. He enjoyed traveling alone for the most part and didn’t let this newfound fear get in his way of that enjoyment, but it was particularly bad in the winter months when rails froze and black ice made for dicey footing when getting on or off of a moving train, when falling asleep when the temperature fell could mean not waking up.

24-What are their idiosyncrasies?

Ryan ties his shoes in a very specific way, double knotting with every pass of the looped lace, and tucking the loose ends into the third crossed lace along the tongue of his boots. If the lace comes loose, he undoes the whole knot and starts over.

He isn’t comfortable if he can’t see the sky. He hates basements and rooms without windows, and he almost never picks a train car that doesn’t have an open top or at least one open side.

He can’t stand still when he brushes his teeth. He paces around, not nervously, just casually, until it’s time to spit and rinse.

Past & Future

10- What smells remind him of his childhood?

Pine from his grandfather’s carving, salt air from time spent at the beach with his cousins, peaches bubbling and caramelizing in the oven from Aunt Holly’s cobbler, wood smoke from the bonfires the Brenner’s were known for, the earthy smell of skunks from that one time he, Jimmy, Patrick and Zach tried to domesticate one of the monochromatic mammals living under Uncle Max’s tool shed and ended up getting sprayed and subsequently laughed at by all the “told ya so” cousin’s watching from the porch.

16- What past act is he most ashamed of?

Once, when Ryan was still new to the road and still learning how to get by on his own (just a few months after his 17th birthday), he found himself with no cash, no food, and no one to lean on for another two days until Cowboy and Virginia got into town. He held out as long as he could, but the fact was that at 17 he wasn’t nearly a good enough musician to make any real money on his own, and it had already been a full day on an empty stomach. So he did what he had to do, and grabbed a wrapped deli sandwich from the refrigerator case, stuffing it in his pocket and leaving the store before he could be seen.

He’s been back through those parts a handful of times, and he always makes it a point to stop in that deli and leave a few extra dollars in the tip jar on the counter.

Love

4- When was the last time he had sex?

Well, it was with Jackie, so roughly a year ago. And before that, even longer. Falling into bed with Jackie as quickly as he did was very out of character for Ryan. Getting attached to people who are attached to where they live isn’t a good habit for someone like him- someone who goes where the roads and rails take him, when they take him, and has no need for a rear view mirror. Did he genuinely want to help Jackie when she got hit by that pickup? Yes, of course. Ryan is nearly incapable of walking away from someone who needs help, because he believes in karma and that when good goes around it comes around. Not that he only helps people if he thinks something good will come for him, he just firmly believes that the world would be a better place if we judged less and helped more. Did he really want much more to do with Jackie after that? Not really, but she offered to repay his kindness with dinner, and Ryan’s not really in a position to turn down a meal or a warm place to eat it. Staying the night? Okay, it was snowing, what did you want him to do? Freeze his poor little face off trying to hitch a ride? Like he said, who’s stopping for a stranger in a snowstorm? No one, so the kindness was extended to a bed for the night. Understandable.

Then the morning comes and he sees the poor condition that the roof is in, and two things happened at once: 1) having done so much repair work, roofing, and odd jobs in the carpentry field, he couldn’t walk away from that leak knowing that in a month or so the whole thing would collapse, and 2) that desire to help someone in need kicked in again. Should he have left it at the roof? Of course he should have, but Jackie just kept needing, and Ryan just kept giving. Support, comfort, help, kindness. And after so long on his own, a few days with someone who seemed to need and appreciate him was a big change…one that proved to be confusing for Ryan; nothing felt wrong, necessarily, it just didn’t feel right, and when Jackie asked if Southbound was “about her” when they were in bed together, that’s when Ryan first thought that he’d made a mistake: how could it be about her? I only just met her.

It was about someone, that’s for sure, but that someone wasn’t Jackie Laurel.

About a year and three or four months before Jackie, Ryan’s last real intimate encounter was with a girl named Chloe. Chloe was a year younger than Ryan, an artist that he met while he was out in Montana at Georgie’s uncle’s buddy’s ranch. They clicked instantly and before that 4 week period was up, Ryan was hypnotized by the girl with the feather earring and Chloe was goo for the boy with the guitar. They never labeled anything because to them, labels felt like limitations- not on what they could do, but on how they chose to be together. Chloe lived in Montana most of the year, but would spend months at a time traveling wherever the wind blew in search of inspiration for her next big project- she’s a sculpture artist specializing in naturally inspired pieces- and the semi-permanent living arrangement was really only so that she had a place to come back to work when she was ready to start slinging clay. But whenever she was “home” she’d let Ryan know, and usually he would make his way to Livingston if it was feasible. They’d even met up on the road a few times, and their relationship was easy and light regardless of whether it had been three months or three weeks since last they saw one another. For the first entire year, all anyone had to do was mention the other’s name and they’d both bloom bright red roses on their cheeks.

Heading into their second year of unlabeled bliss, Chloe started to get real recognition for her work, earning commissions for universities, libraries and other large organizations. Ryan was over the moon thrilled for her, and her excitement was palpable even over the phone. When she called to tell him that she’d be in Livingston, he couldn’t wait to get her in his arms, to kiss the corner of her smile, right where her dimples would form. He split off from Cowboy, Virginia and Georgie and hopped the first train headed west. They spent two whole days holed up in bed, tangled in Chloe’s crisp white sheets with golden summer light streaming in through the sun catcher in the window and painting their entwined bodies with blues and oranges and reds. Ryan realized then that he’d fallen in love with her, and he could tell that she had come to the same realization about him by the way she held him or by how her soft lips lingered against his bristly cheeks, or from the way her dark obsidian eyes would shine when she smiled at him. He realized then, that she was the first woman he’d ever really been in love with, and even though they hadn’t had one another constantly, they’d been constants in one another’s lives and he wanted that to continue. He wanted that to continue forever.

Chloe did, too, but then something happened.

Ryan stayed in Livingston with her for two weeks before circling back up with Georgie (Cowboy and Ginny had gone south to Utah to visit her folks for a while) but about two months later he was back after her tearful phone call letting him know that she was pregnant, but that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to keep the baby. Ryan couldn’t breathe or think or keep his heartbeat steady, so he told Georgie what was going on and dizzily hopped a train from neighboring South Dakota back to Montana and the forever that had suddenly started slipping through his fingers.

Chloe was a mess when he got there- couldn’t speak for the tears that were pouring from her eyes, couldn’t stop trembling from the fear that she was struck with, even as Ryan’s strong arms circled her small frame. Ryan never saw himself as a father, but he never saw himself falling in love, either, and in that moment he decided that he’d do whatever he had to to be the man that Chloe and their child needed. If that meant that he had to travel less, he was prepared to make that change. He’d always heard people say that love makes you do crazy things, and he finally understood what that meant. But it seemed that Chloe had been doing some crazy things of her own- she hadn’t waited for Ryan to get there after she called him. She’d gone to a clinic and made the decision already. That’s why she was racked with fear, because she’d made their choice without asking him, without considering what he’d want or think, part of her knowing how he’d feel. No, Ryan never saw himself as a dad or as a husband, but he never saw himself having his heart broken by the first woman he fell in love with, either. He tried to forgive her for making the choice without him, even though he was hurting, but she couldn’t forgive herself even though she didn’t regret her choice. Suddenly there was a chasm between them while they were standing in the same room, and the last time Ryan left Livingston was the last time he’d be back.

A few months before meeting Jackie, Ryan was traveling in Macy, Nebraska and he stumbled on one of the works she’d been commissioned to sculpt at a community college. He’d called her, just to congratulate her and to tell her how beautiful it was, and they’d caught up on each other’s lives: Ryan was still jumping trains and making music, she was still sculpting… and she’d met someone… someone who she hadn’t hurt like she’d hurt Ryan, someone who’d asked her to marry him, and someone she’d said yes to. She’d again expressed how completely sorry she was for how things had gone, and she finally accepted his forgiveness. Now, from time to time, Ryan will see one of her sculptures and a sad smile will cross his face for the life he almost had with her, but then the sadness fades and he’s happy for the life she has now, and for the possibilities still out there for himself.

Someone (ahem @its-my-little-dumpster-fire) asked if Ryan ever slept with Robin…and the answer is… yes, but it was a while back, before Chloe, and it was weird for both of them. Yes, there was always chemistry between them, even while Oz was alive (which was tricky but Ryan chalked it up to friendship and kindred spirits and the amount of time spent harmonizing) but they never acted on it. Robin loved Oz and was extremely loyal to him, and Ryan respected that. His death was hard on both of them, and when they saw one another afterwards, it just sort of…happened. But it was a one and done and never again type of thing- neither is embarrassed or has any sort of regret over it, and it didn’t change their friendship which is still very strong. And if you want more details on that… I have them but this is already long enough.

5- What kind of sex does he have?

Hands covering every inch of you, but starting in the least likely of places- your shoulder, the crook of your elbow, or maybe your calf. Lips caressing your skin which is practically vibrating with need, but gently and slowly, deliberately. He brings your hand to his mouth to plant a kiss there, but not to your knuckles; right to the center of your palm where your lifeline stretches from your wrist to your fingers. He’ll leave one on your ankle bone as he helps free you from your jeans. He wants you naked, doesn’t need the theatrics of a strip tease or a high end lace bra. He wants you bare before him so he can appreciate every detail, each freckle, all the veins in your arms, the little scars that tell the story of you, the sum of your “imperfections” that set you aside from the rest of the world. When he looks at you it’s with hunger like you’ve never seen. He starts devouring you with his eyes but he doesn’t stop there, mouth finding every sweet spot on your body, not stopping until you’re nearly incoherent, finally entering you and basking in the feel of you surrounding him, in the look of awe on your face and the strained sighs escaping your lips…

That’s what it’s like to be loved by Ryan Brenner.

Ryan is an intense, sensual partner who thrives on a deep connection with those he chooses to be intimate with- this is why it was out of character for him to end up sleeping with Jackie, because they hadn’t known one another long enough to build the kind of connection that he usually looks for. He’s a little bit old fashioned in the thought that intimacy should go hand in hand with emotion, that it’s a language with which to communicate what can’t be said with words. That’s why his number isn’t very high- only 5- and why he doesn’t have a different girl in every city he’s visited. Ryan is extremely and acutely in tune with his partner, and is able to put the most raw, pure feeling into every touch and movement.

Conflict

3- What is his kryptonite?

It’s always been the people that he cares about. Ryan doesn’t have a lot to his name, so in terms of material things he doesn’t have much to lose and there aren’t a lot of situations that he couldn’t recover from. He’s been robbed twice, went a week without making a buck once, even broke his guitar once on a bumpy dismount, but he bounced back from all of those situations. But the people he cares about- his cousins and Chase, his friends from coast to coast, even the new additions like you, Junebug- they mean more to him than he can put into words, and he’d do anything he could for any of them.

Favorites

1-What is their favourite animal?

Ryan has always liked birds. From small finches and jays to hawks, eagles and cranes, they’ve always fascinated him. To him they represent freedom and independence. They sing songs unique to themselves, they get to look at the world from a different perspective, they get to go wherever they want, whenever they want, and to Ryan it always seems like they’re having fun, swooping and diving, riding the wind, splashing in puddles or sand.

4-What is their favourite song?

You cannot know how long I agonized over this answer.

I finally landed on Into the Mystic by Van Morrison, because it reminds him of happy times with his parents before his father died and his mother remarried. Carolyn and Luke Brenner were very much in love, and there was always music playing in their home whether it was Luke strumming a guitar or banjo, or Carolyn singing along to the small radio on the kitchen counter. Ryan had a lot of memories of his parents singing and dancing, smiles on their faces and laughter in their eyes. He even remembers times when his father was away, and his mother would take his small hands and dance him through the living room with this song playing. When he hears it now (or plays it, which only happens occasionally when he has the right accompaniment- it’s a pretty piano heavy song…maybe Junebug can help him out with this one…) he feels light and happy, and hopeful that someday he might find something like what his parents had.

8- What is his favorite food?

Ryan’s favorite food is shrimp and grits, but not just from anywhere, specifically his Aunt Holly’s version of the dish. When Ryan came to live permanently among the Brenners a few years after His mother married his stepfather, he spent most of his time with his Gram and Granddaddy, and his father’s sister Holly, Jimmy’s mom and his Uncle Alan, though the whole family had a hand in raising him from 12-16. But most of that time was under Holly and Alan’s roof, and Holly was the best damn cook in town. Alan worked on a shrimping boat and was able to come home with freshly caught prawns at a fraction of the price that they’d run in seafood markets. At first, Ryan was skeptical of the shrimp because he’d never eaten something with so many legs or antennas, pushing them aside to devour the delicious, creamy corn grits that they sat atop. But eventually he gave in, seeing how much everyone else liked the funny looking sea creatures, and since that first sweet bite he’s been hooked. Holly always makes them when he’s home. He’s tried them a few times elsewhere, but there’s really no comparison to the family recipe.

Possessions

6- What is in his pockets?

I answered this one separately because it got lengthy:

Turn ‘Em Out

Values

1- What does he think is the worst thing that can happen to someone?

The worst thing in the world as far as Ryan is concerned, is feeling like you’re stuck; like you can’t control the speed or direction of your own life. He’s seen it grind people down until they break, and he’s seen it many times through his life.

He saw it first with his mother, when she married his stepfather. Their relationship was fine, but even Ryan at 10 could tell that they weren’t in love the same way his mom was in love with his dad. While he was mostly apathetic towards Ryan, his mother’s new husband treated her well enough, but Ryan never caught them dancing in the kitchen at 2am when he wandered out for water like he’d caught his father twirling his mother, a small radio playing on the counter. He never saw his mother jump into her new husband’s arms when he got home from work like she used to greet Ryan’s dad when he’d come home from his travels. Miles cared for and respected Ryan’s mother, but he didn’t go out of his way to do so, and Ryan had the sneaking suspicion that she only married him because she’d already had his child (Ryan’s half brother Chase was unexpectedly born 2 years before their wedding, and Ryan was thrilled about being a big brother having seen how much fun Tommy and Zach had growing up together. He didn’t care about the 8 year age gap.) and she felt like her chances of finding a second true love like Ryan’s father (especially with two kids) were running out. Miles was there, and even though things weren’t as great as they might have been with someone else, she wasn’t alone. But she wasn’t happy, either, and Ryan saw her smiles dwindle through the years.

He saw it with Chloe, when she found out that she was pregnant and the fear of being stuck was so great that she threw the choice away before even talking to Ryan about it. He saw the way that decision broke her down until it ruined whatever the two of them could have salvaged from that relationship.

He saw it happen to Cowboy when he and Virginia started on the same page with their son and ended up in separate books. Ginny was smitten with that kid the second he popped out, and Cowboy loved him, too, but staying put proved to be much tougher than he thought it would be. It turned him bitter at times and made him angry, and Ryan answered more than one shaky, tear filled call from Virginia after Cowboy’d taken his “stuck” feelings out on her. He’d tried his best to alleviate some of that burden, dropping by to visit the three of them as often as he could, trying to make it feel like old times, he and Cowboy playing together while Virginia rocked the baby in the corner. But eventually even that wasn’t enough, and Cowboy realized that he couldn’t stick it out, not for as long as Virginia needed him to, so at her urging, he unstuck himself. And then Ryan saw it happen to Ginny after he died- that boy means the world to her, and she doesn’t regret having to give up her lifestyle, she wasn’t so attached to having no attachments as Cowboy was, but Ryan knows that she feels stuck just like his mother did. A single mother with limited avenues for change.

He sees it when you’re sitting in your empty apartment and you tell him straight and honest that you’re stuck without direction.

Ryan doesn’t judge people or pity them when they feel stuck in their lives. He simply hopes that they’ll be able to unstick themselves soon because he knows that life is too short to feel like you have no options, to feel stuck, to not take the wheel for yourself.

3- When did he last lie?

Ryan doesn’t lie often, and when he does it’s usually only to protect someone’s feelings. Like the time he told Taylor that the lemon squares she made were “really good” before turning and spitting the dry, tasteless clump into a napkin, Fitz and Jimmy snorting into their drinks.

But when he told himself that he could have the sort of thing with Jackie that he had with Chloe, that was a lie, and he knew it as soon as his boots were back on her porch and her arms were around his neck. Coming back to Jackie felt like obligation once he was there, something he never felt towards Chloe. Just give it some time… But the more time he gave it, the more clear it became- Jackie could never fully accept his part-time presence, and Ryan wasn’t ready to change his lifestyle for her. Within an hour of his arrival she’d asked him how long he was staying, expecting certain answers and showing real disappointment when he shrugged and answered with “a week, maybe?” She just wants more time… But he realized it would never be enough time unless it was all the time. He realized he’d never find something quite like what he and Chloe had, and that he’d never be able to have anything even close to that with Jackie. He realized that the real lie wasn’t even that he was telling himself that he and Jackie could work; the real lie was that he was lonely but he’d been telling himself that he wasn’t.

Daily Life

1-What are his eating habits?

Ryan is a messy eater and always has been. He doesn’t leave a mess behind, but if there’s sauce in what he’s eating it’s going to end up on his face and all over his hands. If it’s something that can create crumbs, they’re going to get trapped in his beard until he wipes his hand over his face. He has a set of silverware in his pack along with a can opener, half-used sterno, and a camp coffee filter, but he rarely uses the silverware because if he does then he has to find some place to clean them and he doesn’t always have access to water like that. He just digs in with his fingers most of the time, especially when he’s alone. He carries some food items with him- ground coffee, nuts, jerky, and a couple cans of tuna, beans or corn. He also has a jug of water that he can tie onto one of the straps of his pack. Space is limited, but he always makes sure that he has food for a day or two in case something happens and he either can’t afford or can’t get to a deli, convenience store, café or grocery store. Most days he eats two meals- breakfast and a late lunch/ early dinner. Ryan’s really good at only eating when he’s actually hungry, and he’ll eat a third or even fourth meal on days when he burns a lot of energy, like if he gets some side work in construction or agriculture. Along those same lines, he doesn’t overeat, only eating until he’s full. He always has to be ready to move, and quickly, so being weighed down by an overfull stomach isn’t a great idea.

When he’s home though? With all those family recipes and no need to worry about hightailing it to or from anywhere? He goes full on food coma, especially when he stops in to see his Aunt Holly. She’s never not had a peach cobbler cooling on her kitchen table for as long as Ryan can remember, and there’s always at least one pot going on the stove and something else in the oven.

Typical Ryan fare on the day to day is usually something that he can eat quickly, is easy to eat on the move, and has a lot of protein. He’ll stop in to a deli for a sandwich, grab a burrito from a food truck, or hit the “ready to eat” section at a grocery or convenience store.

8-What is their soft drink of choice?

Ryan usually sticks to water, coffee and tea when it comes to non-alcoholic beverages, but every now and then if he sees a root beer- a good one- he caves and goes for it. His favorite happens to be Jones Soda Co. and he first tried that brand out in Oregon with Robin. Aside from the flavor, which is just sassafras-y enough and not too sweet, he was initially drawn to the bottle because the label caught his eye. Each one has a different black and white photo, most of them showcasing little glimpses of Americana. The one that caught his eye at the Sweet Street Deli (he and Robin had gone in to grab lunch and drinks for the group. They’d been playing together around the corner in front of the Tioga building, locals gathering around and dropping change and crumpled bills into the open instrument cases and walking away with smiles that they spread all over town.) had a photo of a rail crossing signal and Ryan laughed to himself as he wrapped his fingers around the cool neck of the bottle. He grabbed an orange soda for Georgie, a classic cola for Cowboy, and for Virginia, who had more of an adventurous palate than her partner, he picked green apple. Whenever Ryan sees Jones root beer, it reminds him of that first trip out to Oregon, of carefree summer days and easy, laughter filled nights.

#ryan brenner #passing through #character asks #thank you SO MUCH for these #so many stories cropped up from these asks #this was FUN #fun times ahead and behind for Ryan

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