#discussingherewithoutyou
Note
Could i request something where az and reader are mates. They have a huge fight and “break up” and reader leaves the court. She finds out that she is pregnant and writes him a letter. He never shows up so she thinks he doesn’t want the baby. Rhys visit the court she is in and sees her with a child maybe a couple months old. He is mad because she didn’t told him and when he ask her why she keeps his nephew away she tells him that she wrote az but he never answered. Rhys is mad and ask az what is up with him to just leave his pregnant mate. Unbeknownst to him that az was searching for her the whole time. Az tells him that he never got a letter and they find out that maybe elain burned it. It takes some time for them but they find their way back and just fluff azriel dad who teaches his son how to fly.
( you could write more angst between reader and az because of elain or you could use a maid or something who wants az)
Here Without You
Summary - Being a single mother was more painful than you'd ever thought it would be, especially when your son's father was just a court away.
Warnings - Angst, Elain showing those claws, single mom status, a child, PPD and the thoughts that come with it, **edited to add** cheating
A/N - I had one of my friends who is a single mom help me with this one while also imagining my life without baby daddy, and um, yeah. We cried a lot, so hopefully, you all do too.
*message from Liz regarding the ending at the end*
💙Peep my Azriel Masterlist Here💙
You had decided whatever you had done to offend the Mother must have been truly unforgettable and unforgivable as you sank against the wall of your family chambers in the Day Court Palace.
Being a new mother was the hardest thing you had ever and will ever do. You had finally gotten Nox down after 3 hours of fussing and tears, and now you waited. He'd sleep 2 hours if you were lucky, wake up crying, and you'd start the process over.
You had wished for your mate more times than you could count, but that bridge was long gone and burned. He had ensured of that by not coming when you wrote him, by not even bothering to write you a response.
The last fight between you and Azriel had been ugly. Glasses had been thrown, a bottle of wine knocked over in rage, cruel words you would both have to live with ringing in your ears like a scream. 350 years. Gone. Thrown away like garbage. All for Elain.
Selfish, plotting, destructive Elain.
You stood, body swaying with sleep deprivation setting in before sitting at the table where your now cold food set. You were too tired to eat, choosing to instead drink the water you had been desperately craving 4 hour ago.
You had wished you could turn it to wine, drink it with no consequences, and still feed Nox when he woke, but that was not the reality of the world. So, instead, you allowed the room temperature flavorless beverage to slide down your throat before moving like a ghost to the couch. There was no point in getting comfortable in your own bed. You would have to be up soon anyway. It wasn’t as if you had help.
You were alone.
And that wasn't even the most painful part of it.
The most painful part was setting in doubt. The growing disbelief that you weren't capable of this, that Nox deserved more, that you should have dropped him at the cabin you had no doubt Elain had moved into, leaving him with her and Azriel to allow you to-
You cut your brain off, refusing to put those words into a full thought. Refusing to believe that your disappearance or death was better for your son than this.
This had to be enough, you had to be enough, because Gods if it wasn't and you weren't, then what truly was the point in living any longer.
Helion entered your chambers the next morning, eyes falling to where you were sat on the floor, shoulders shaking as sobs tore through you. He placed a large warm hand on your shoulder before taking Nox from your arms. "I know I can not offer much of a break due to his feeding cycle, but when is the last time you ate a hot meal, y/n?"
You shook your head. He was 2 weeks old. You supposed it had been before labor. Since then, it had been moments begging for just a second of deep sleep. Moments begging for the Mother to help you, to guide you. Moments where those prayers went unanswered as if they were just thrown into a void. "I don't remember."
Helion could have killed Azriel for you, for Lucien, for Nox. He almost had when you had winnowed yourself here, collapsing in his arms from the exhaustion magic and a growing babe had caused your body.
You hadn't known when you came to the Day Court, begging your oldest friend for a week of safety and healing that you were pregnant, but the High Lord had scented it the second you appeared.
It left him wondering how the hell Azriel hadn't.
"Let me hire a wet nurse for you," he offered again, knowing you would turn it down since your depressive state had you hyper fixated in this belief that all you were good for now was your breasts, and if you gave that duty away, what purpose did you have? "At least for the next few hours. To give you time to rest?"
You still shook your head, messy, tangled hair trying to sway. "I can't. I can't burden someone else."
Helion turned his head away from you, willing himself not to cry at the emptiness of your voice, at the lifelessness you had become.
"The Night Court and Spring are coming today," he started slowly. "I am the magic selected neutral ground for Tamlin and Rhysand to begin setting a peace treaty and trade routes." He waited for your reaction, almost breaking further as you gave him none. "Do you want to see any of them?"
"Lucien and Tamlin."
Helion felt his heart shatter for Cassian, the male who had been asking about you for months now. "The general-"
"Is Azriel's brother. And probably has taken his side. Attempts to see me are probably to give him some sick sort of satisfaction."
He dropped the subject immediately. Nox was asleep, content in the High Lord's arms. "I have time before they arrive, go nap." Helion ordered it, eyes blazing a soft gold and forcing you into submission.
Your bed had never felt so soft.
Helion was walking with Nox around the Palace, smiling and cooing the little male. He was always content when he was being held, and you were so deeply asleep you hadn't even noticed Helion holding the boy to your chest as he nursed. He walked towards where Lucien and Tamlin were.
His son, his pride and joy, looked just radiant in his Day Court attire. The soft, off-white pleaded fabric draping him showed the new healthy build he had gained since Azriel and Elain's transgressions, a golden snake wrapped his bicep, new golden earrings adorned those many piercings.
Lucien paused, a look of concern etching his face when he saw Nox before shaking his head rapidly.
But it was too late, Helion was already in the room where Rhysand also stood with the Inner Circle. The Lord of Night's face fell as he looked at the Illyrian boy, looking so happy up at Helion as he dozed off.
Cassian had frozen, mid sentence with Nesta. He had tried to take a step, wanting to see the babe he immediately knew was his nephew. His eyes met Helion's pleading with permission to approach. Elain's face had paled. A mix of guilt and fear running across it before she schooled it into a faked look of hurt and sadness.
But it was Azriel's face the broke the High Lord. It was a look he knew all too well.
The look of a father who missed the birth of his child.
The look of a father who didn't know he had a child.
The look of a father mourning lost time.
Lucien moved to Helion, taking Nox before leaving the room quickly. The boy did as he always did when his head found Lucien's warm bare shoulder. He released a heavy breath, snuggling into that familiar scent and warmth. "Your mother did not call for me last night," they all heard his soft voice trailing off, speaking to their nephew softly.
"You will tell me everything I do not know," Rhysand demanded as if he was in his own court. "When the fuck was he born. Why were we not informed of her pregnancy?"
Tamlin looked to Helion, digging the shit further. "Is she in the same room as last time?" The Lord of Day nodded. "I will go see her while you all deal with this."
Helion didn't answer, walking to the centered round table and taking the head seat. "To begin, Rhysand, this is my court. You will not make demands of me in my home." They all sat, aside from Azriel. His gaze was locked on the hallway Lucien and Tamlin had gone down.
If he ran, he could catch them. He could see you. He could-
The slam of hands on a table ripped him from his thoughts, and his head snapped to Helion. The High Lord was blazing, glowing like the sun itself, heat radiating from him. "Sit. Down."
An hour later and Rhysand had the bridge of his nose pinched between his fingers. "You saw her send each letter?"
Helion rolled his eyes, nodding again. "Every month after every check up and once after the birth."
Rhys pointed to Azriel. "But you never got them?"
"My son wouldn't be in another court if I had," Azriel's voice mirrored yours. Broken, empty, mourning. Mourning what was, what he had missed and would never get back. "You're sure she sent them to me?"
Helion could have snapped his neck. "Who else would have fathered her babe? You are the one who stepped out of the bonds of marriage and mateship. Not her."
Azriel paused, a sudden look of anger gracing his face as he looked up at Elain, shadows curling his ears. Nuala appeared, setting envelopes down in front of Rhysand. "In her room. Under her bed in a locked chest. Along with every communication you had tried to send to y/n, my lord."
Feyre gasped, turning her back to Elain and leaning further into Rhysand, holding Nyx tightly between them. She remembered those first few weeks. The sleepless nights, the pain, the emotional down pour. She would not have survived without Rhysand. Without Nesta and Mor. Without Cassian and you and Azriel. Her sister, the one who had held her as darkness swallowed her mind after her son's birth, had allowed you to endure this alone.
Azriel's hands shook, reaching for that stack. He separated out the letters. 10 for him. 2 for Rhysand and Feyre. 2 for Mor. 2 for Amren. 4 for Cassian and Nesta.
Helion stood. "I will let you all process this. Call for me when you are ready to do negotiations. The sooner you all leave, the better for her."
Rhysand's eyes shot up. "You won't let us explain to her-"
"Does it change the fact that he took Elain to their marriage bed? Does it change that he signed the annulment papers." Silence filled the room. "I believe that's why she left. Correct?" Rhys grit his teeth nodding. "Then all this changes is me, someone she trusts and feels safe with right now, informing her of what happened and allowing her to decide if she wants to reach out again from that point." He made a pointed look at Elain. "Which would not matter since I cannot see you removing the parasite from your court."
Helion walked into your room to Lucien and Nox laying skin to skin, a blanket over them as Tamlin held you, long fingers running through your dark hair. "And?" His son said.
"Your mate hid the letters regarding her pregnancy." Lucien whistled. "She's a snake hiding behind beautiful scales."
Azriel had tracked down your room with his shadows easily. The inner circle had been excused for the negotiations and allowed to explore the city. Cassian had flown Elain home, Mor and Amren winnowing Nesta behind them. Cassian wanted Elain out of his house, and Azriel could not have been more grateful to his brother for having his back.
He entered the room slowly and quietly. You were placing the babe in a crib on the balcony. It was shaded from the sun, shielded to remain the perfect temperature, and yet gave him access to fresh air, to the breeze.
You turned, eyes wide the second you saw Azriel. He moved to you so quickly that you could hardly process it. One second, your feet were on the ground, and the next, arms held you tight against him. Azriel was breathing deeply, memorizing your scent all over again.
He set you down, keeping you close to his chest, and sent a prayer to the Mother. "Elain hid all the letters," he began slowly. "She kept them all in her room. I didn't know. Had I known about you, about him, I would have crawled the very depths of hell to bring you back home to me."
You didn't answer. Tears fell as your body relaxed into him. It wasn't fair. The hold he had on you. The need you still felt in your bones when he touched your skin. You ached for Azriel so deeply it echoed into your bones. You longed for his smell. His voice.
Azriel took your silence as permission to continue. "I made a mistake. I will never be able to make up for it. Elain knew the second you left, I wanted to correct this. I was so blinded by her, by the feeling of being needed like that again, that I forgot how precious your independence was. How beautiful it is."
He couldn't stop himself from kissing the top of your head. "You are all I think about. Morning, noon, and night, it is always and will always be you. I am so sorry for what I have done. I am sorry for hurting you, for ruining us, for hurting the family we should be raising together. There are no words for my remorse."
"Why?" Your voice broke as you asked. "Why wasn't I enough?"
Azriel pulled back to look at you, hand raising to hold your chin and force eye contact. "Y/n, you are not at fault for my actions. You did nothing wrong. There is no partial blame, no what ifs. I fucked up. I made a mistake and it cost both of us everything. You are the victim of my actions, not the catalyst."
He saw you process those words and saw as they sunk in. "You were and are more than I will ever deserve. I want to spend my lifetime making up for it. Becoming a male you are proud of. I want to be the father I never got to have. I want to be the husband and mate you deserve. I know it will take time, and I do not expect your forgiveness today, but if you give me a chance, I will go to my grave worshipping the ground you two walk."
"Do you want to meet our son?" He broke at the question, feeling the bond opening back on your end. "This doesn't mean we're back together. It means we need to coparent for him while we work on things." He nodded rapidly, following you to the bassinet.
It felt like the world was coming full circle. You knew it would take time, that you two had many things to discuss first. This was a needed good start, though. Your pain eased slightly as you pulled back the curtains to the crib and whispered, "Azriel, this is Nox, your son."
@hnyclover @glitterypirateduck @slytherinindisguise @mischiefmanager @bloodicka @starsinyourseyes @the-sweet-psycho
**I have received some pretty nasty anon asks, some unconstructive comments, and a good amount of general negativity regarding this fic. If you are unhappy with the ending and want to know why I made the choices I made as the author, click #discussingherewithoutyou. Unconstructive comments will be receiving the same copy and paste answer from here forward.
My time and content are free. If you do not like them, scroll.
General Taglist:
@mariahoedt @rinalouu @sarawritestories @starryhiraeth @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium
Azriel Taglist:
@elle4404
#acotar#acotar x reader#send asks#send anons#azriel acotar#azriel#azriel x reader#azriel x yn#azriel x y/n#azriel x you#azriel shadowsinger#discussingherewithoutyou
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I know you said the last anon was the last you'd answer for here without you, but you brought up Lucien doing skin to skin with nox. Why is that significant?
I don't mind answering this, and it might help people understand why missing that is such a key detail of reader's life being glossed over.
Skin to skin is a very intimate form of bonding for a baby. It is especially important for dads and baby. Mom has an advantage with her baby. Baby knows our voice, our smell, our heartbeat. We are typically baby's favorite people from bat because they still believe they are part of us for a while. Dad's have to earn that. The quickest, best, and for awhile only way to do that is through skin to skin contact where baby and dad snuggle and baby learns daddy's voice, his heart beat, his smell, his warmth. Skin to skin, in America, at least, is not something you typically get to do with a baby that you are not actively parenting. It is such an intimate and important thing that selfishly and selflessly, we try to ensure it is just shared between mom, dad, and baby.
Lucien doing skin to skin with Nox is a pretty big sign of the role he has taken in Nox and reader's life. When we pair it with, "your mother did not call for me last night," and reader saying to Helion she'd only like to see Lucien and Tam tam, there's something there between the two of them.
When/if I finish part 2, if I decide to post it, it's going to be pretty clear how much is going in between them and how important Lucien is to her. 🧡
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My time, content, and kindness are free. I am writing to entertain you all for free.
Maybe it's the leveling out hormones causing sensitivity.
Maybe it's the way my ask box is exploding with unconstructive criticism.
Maybe it's Maybelline.
But, I've hit E. The tank is empty and I need a nap.
We can resume the discussion over Here Without You after I do that.
Enjoy this visual of what I'm going to go do for a while.
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I think Y/Ns reaction was just underwhelming. I don’t agree with you saying people just don’t want a ‘mature response’ you can give a mature response while also expressing how hurt you are and how theres no chance between the two of you. I think it’s realistic to be upset and give someone a piece of your mind and it doesn’t make you immature. Especially if you were mated for 350 years. I’m not trying to be rude I just don’t agree with your statement which is why I even said something in the first place.
I'm struggling to find a single comment where something constructive like this was given in the first place. We'd be having a very different discussion if it had been. Comments like "that ending isn't it" or telling me I ruined my own one-shot versus something like this are two totally different people to deal with. I hope you can see that from my perspective.
This I can turn into a discussion and explain why I made the choice I made. The other things are rude and closed-minded, and comments like that tell me there's no maturity there for me to work with.
You are correct. A sound and stable person is able to have a heavy discussion of "what you did really sucks and there's no possibility of us ever getting back together in the future," I did not write a sound and stable reader. I wrote a reader who is going through PPD, and one of the big side effects of postpartum is what we loving call "mom rage." Reader was not in a healthy place to have that discussion with Azriel. That's why I don't have her acknowledge his apology. I have her changing the subject.
I also didn't have the reader explicitly telling him off because she is just learning he didn't even know about their child, and it would have gone against what she was wanting. She wrote to him, despite his cheating, wanting him to be involved in their child's life. Her priority is her baby, not her and Azriel's relationship. That's why I made sure to include the line that she knew there was a lot they'd need to talk about, and the line where she bluntly tells him they are coparenting, not back together.. We got a glimpse of his groveling, their talks, etc, not a full resolution. I apologize that was underwhelming, but it was about writing consistency. Reader's focus throughout that piece is her child. She was doing what she felt was best for her child. Not her or her feelings.
It also, to me, was the only way to write the fic while keeping the request in mind. I personally would not go back to my baby daddy if he cheated on me. I would, however, work on a relationship and forgiveness with him. The request wanted a full-on happy ending where they were together. I found a meeting in the middle ground situation.
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I caught the little glimpses of her and Lucien, Liz. Don't worry. That wasn't wasted on some of us.
👀👀 and you liked it riiiiight? I was hoping more people would have caught that and wanted to dive into that. Reader literally had a male at her beck and call who wants to help her raise her child and is laying with said newborn skin to skin.
And no one commented on that...
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I love Here With You. I was wondering if you'd be willing to do more? It would be great to see Az court her again. To see her living in the Night Court amongst her family and I REALLY want to see Elain get her comeuppance. Would any of this be possible?
I am so glad you enjoyed it! I honestly wanted to do more, but this fic has turned into a whole ordeal. I may write a little part 2 where the inner circle meets Nox, and the reader may get closure on what happened to and with Elain, but I don't know if it will go beyond that.
We will see how I feel once this all dies down.
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side eyeing and sneering at that anon so hard 😒 leave my bestie alone 🙄
My inbox feels like a warzone, and I'm just sitting here like:
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for me, it's the way that anon is hiding being anonymity to argue with you about your writing that you in no way forced them to read... just embarrassing of them tbh
This part.. my inbox is open to anyone privately messaging me.. doing through an anon ask is... idk.. it adds to the hurt and confusion I'm feeling.
Now.. if you all don't mind:
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If i new that the fic “here without you” would upset so many people if wouldn’t have requested it 🫣🫣🫣🫣
It's not your request, babe. It's how I wrote it. The majority of anons I got were more attacks on my character personally for "forgiving cheating," "reader not having a backbone," or how I don't have real-world knowledge of cheating. Since they're all on anon, I also don't know if it was multiple people or just one or two.
Either way, I am happy with how it turned out, and the majority of the response I am getting now that it's settled down and people realized I'm not going to give messages like that the time of me responding, are positive. 💜
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hi, it’s anon who said I didn’t agree with your opinion. I really hope you didn’t take my comment as me trying to hate on your work😭 I was never trying to come off that way. I’m not good with words. I really appreciate your kind response. I’m sorry the other anon was so rude about it, people on the internet can be so mean. Keep posting great work💙
You are totally okay.
Yours is one of nice messages I received that actually had content I could turn into a discussion. ❤️
Ps- to everyone, this is the last message/ask I will be answering regarding Here Without You.
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I personally loved the ending of Here Without You. I also really loved the snippet we saw of reader and Lucien. My sweet boy Lucien needs all the love and if you do a part two I would like more of their dynamic! Your writing is amazing, i'm obsessed!
Im so glad you enjoyed it!
The dynamic between reader and Lucien is 100% where I'd be taking it if I write a part 2. I'm still on the fence since this is still an ongoing saga in my ask box.
Hopefully, it calms down soon, though.
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The maybe its Maybelline line omg😭😭but on a real i hope youre okay!!🫂
People need to remember that whilst discussions about fics are cool, at the end of the day its YOUR story and you can write it however the hell you want
Sorry that people are being like this ://
💜
All of this. ❤️❤️
Thank you for checking in. I appreciate it
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I woke up to the ridiculous reactions to your beautiful fic.
Liz you are amazing! I and many other people love your writing, it’s honestly what gets me through the day sometimes.
I only just started writing things and I know how personal it can be and I was even getting anxious that no one liked it because it wasn’t getting much interaction on here. So I can understand how upsetting that can be.
I hope you weren’t / upset for too long and you cuddled your baby girl and your baby daddy.
Thank you for always gifting us with your wonderful creativity 💖
Thank you 💕💕 we had so many cuddles yesterday because of this.
Thank you for helping me feel better and seen. It means so much.
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I actually liked the ending. It was showing that the mc is very mature and almost nonchalant about the situation. Rather than other fics where you think that she is going to cut his balls off. It was a very refreshing but angsty read. I had to reread it a few times due to the writing captivating me, when I should rather be studying for upcoming axial skeleton test.
I'm so glad you liked it!
It definitely would not have fit reader in this story or fit with writing consistency for her to have made a 180 and pushed Azriel away.
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i feel like the fic was absolutely amazing and realistic and it ended with a very real ending. I also feel like eating chipotle. seriously, i’m craving it so bad rn
Thank you 🫠
Also, Chipotle sounds so good right now. Do it for both of us 🤣
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I feel like reader was too nice to him considering he cheated and left her for another woman. And it did seem like she was possibly giving him another chance. Which she definitely shouldn’t. Idk that was just how I interpreted it. It was so well written you did a fabulous job.
I appreciate the compliment.
A lot of reader's kindness can be explained in the anon I just answered, but reader's goal was coparenting with Azriel because her focus through the one-shot is her baby. She's being kind to him for their child.
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