#damn so. executive dysfunction sure fuckin is huh
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Guys this may come as a surprise but as it turns out i just might need ADHD medication.
Like. Badly.
shocker, i know
#this is supposed to be read in a joking tone. sarcasm mostly.#Because if you've been following this blog then it is SO OBVIOUS#but yeah who would have guessed that looking at people who can do tiny doodles every day and going 'i could never do that' isnt normal#or the fact that posting on social media takes multiple hours of scripting in my head and the same amount of spoons as taking a shower#so the concept of regularly posting on a blog (hi there blog reader. this is the blog) is so cosmically far away for me that i literally#cant imagine all of the fandom people i love not being literal deities of the internet and algorithm conquerors who always know what to do#I HOPE THIS IS PUTTING IN PERSPECTIVE HOW BIG OF A REVELATION FOR ME THIS IS#I LITERALLY COULDNT COMPREHEND HOW PEOPLE COULD JUST “POST STUFF ON THE INTERNET” WITHOUT CAREFULLY CURATING IT AND THINKING ABOUT IT FOR#WEEKS AT A TIME BEFORE SHARING. MEMORIZING ALL THE TAGS TO PUT ON IT FOR PEOPLE TO SEE. How people could just post anything at all.#without wanting to give up before you even start#damn so. executive dysfunction sure fuckin is huh#i hope this helps give insight into the struggles i'm facing writing steady tracks or sharing content of my other aus online in the middle#of college/now having a job. its been hard but i havent been able to justify why until right now#so every time i post#please assume it is a cry for help 🤣#Tag Ramble#Not Submas
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a rant, a depressed and anxious one
Sigh.
Okay.
I know this isn’t for this blog at all, since this is just a blog for art, jokes, and other feel good stuff, but,
It’s the only blog I have.
I would’ve ranted on Discord or Insta or something, but they both have a lot of my actual irl friends on there and that’s a bit too many people I know that I don’t want seeing this.
Also, there’s gonna be a good amount of swearing here, so swearing tw.
So where do I even start?
Fuck it, I’ll go down the line.
Friends and the Future
It’s my senior year in high school. I’ve made friends, so many friends on my way here. I love them all for all they’ve done for me. I appreciate all of them to no god damned end because fuck, I don’t think I could’ve made it even close to where I am right now without them. I would’ve given up long ago without them. I don’t even know what I did to deserve such amazing people in my life. I don’t even know how I’ll pay em back in my lifetime. I just... they’ve all been so kind and supporting in the time I’ve known them all and it’s just got me stunned thinking bout it.
But senior year. I’ve been told it’ll go by quick. It is. I don’t like this. Like, we graduate, and then college to work on our future and determine how the rest of our lives will be? It’s... pressuring, to say the least.
And fuck. I even managed to get dealt a bad roll for college apps, woopdee fuckin’ do. The entire period of time that seniors were supposed to be doing college apps and turning them in at the end of Decembe- well, let me clarify something.
From junior year, my family (and as an extension, me) were thinking of putting me through this program where I automatically get enrolled to community through a series of meetings, paying a year for the community completely. After that, you do community for one more year, then you get to transfer to a UC or CalState of your choice. Ain’t that somethin’? Well, yeah, my family has always been having problems with rent. I mean, we pay them on time, but it leaves us a bit on the slightly dry side in terms of leftover luxury funds, y’know? We never had a formal college savings fund, so this program was like a godsent to us.
Anyway, as a backup, in case the program didn’t work out, which was unlikely, but still, I wanted to still formally apply to some colleges, and if I did make it, apply for financial aid and just be in the negatives later.
WELP, we happened to be in a rent-related situation around the times that apps were prevalent and were supposed to be being done, so guess who didn’t want to burden and dig a deeper financial hole for their family for a backup plan? That’s right, yours truly, the bi disaster himself, right here! It’s not I had a choice imo, if I were to get about five-ish apps, that’s a pretty big lumpsome of cash right there, and I’m pretty sure it would’ve put us below what we needed for rent, heh. And when we did actually get into a more secure position, it was already late November, and the deadline was far too close to take care of all of the intricacies that I needed to file for, like scholarships and financial aid and stuff and stuff.
So all that time, where I hear all my friends dying internally because of the absolute amount of work they were doing for college apps, I was just sitting there. Not able to do anything for myself.
Speaking of my friends, that was a time where I was being ranted to more frequently because people were just fucking stressed the hell out over everything. I was fine with being ranted to. I’m always open to it. I wanted to help everyone that I could, but let me tell you: it made me kinda feel like shit, to be honest. For multiple reasons.
A) I wasn’t feeling the same pain as everyone else. I couldn’t be as stressed as them. I was living the fucking high-life because I couldn’t do apps while everyone else was slaving away. Everyone seemed to be falling apart, not just because of apps, but because of mental, familial, emotional, and sometimes physical problems, and I can only talk to them, give them hope, give them my condolences...
On one occassion, talk someone out of killing themself.
I- fuck. I don’t know.
B) Knowing that people I know and talk with daily and I cherish are in shitty moods just puts you in a similarly shitty mood. Sigh.
C) A sort of selfish and self-centered reason, but executive dysfunction, I think it’s called. It’s basically when you see other people working and you have nothing to do, but just seeing other people working makes you feel the need to make yourself busy and do work, except it’s a dumb cycle becaUse, ykNow, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO, so. Just seeing everyone else doing stuff and being accomplished and stuff while I just sat there and did nothing just made my anxiety about the future act up for a while.
Yeah.
But on the topic of college and the future... Everyone I know is basically gonna be scattered to the wind, huh? We’re all going to different colleges, I know this. They’re all fairly local and together, with the exception of one person, whom I don’t know is staying local or going out of state, but still. I’m worried. Will friendships I’ve invested so much into, something I’ve gotten so many good memories out of, just fade overtime like it’s nothing? It’s scary to think about. I love the network of friends I have. I dread thinking about losing it all to time.
Other Random Things
Ngl, I feel like I’m slowly becoming an utter disappointment when it comes to piano. It’s something I’ve pursued for well over half my life and because of a constrained and tight schedule, I’ve just hadn’t had the time to practice recently. And I’ve got a recital this Sunday, so I have to hope practicing this week can get me in shape.
What else.
I’ve been skipping out on sleep recently to get my work done while trying to fit piano practice into my schedule, so I end up sleeping at around 2 am and attempting to wake up at 6 am, but oversleeping and waking up 15 minutes before school starts. Thank god I live close.
What else x2.
I-
Should I?
Fuck it. This post has gotten this personal, what’s one more?
To keep it short, at least four other people I know are feeling a similar kind of mood as me, and my condolences for all of them, but one person in particular it irks me knowing they feel this way too, that being my s/o. I just. Don’t like it. I don’t want anyone to feel this way, much less them.
...They should also get some sleep. A healthy amount. :l
...
Awkward ending
Ty for listening to my long-ass TED talk
And sorry for the long-ass TED talk
...
Fuck my own eyes for tearing up
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