#could be wrong. could be right. regardless tho i rly wanted to take it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

seoafin · 3 years

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tbh,, i havent read the raws of the interview yet, only the translated ver from fan-translator and b4 i start, i think that this will be just me talking in circle and in no particular order AND a real mess (my brain does weird things after exams) but uhh here we go

gojou collects talented people, and by doing so he finds the people he can most probably relate to, except that he can't, not really, because something in the universe shifted when he was born. and it makes me think of how he's always known it, that he is special, and he's proven it, time and time again— he wants to take in talented ppl and he does, but there rly isn't much he can do for them. for they are talented, more talented than the world can understand,,

but they aren't gojou satoru

gojou took in megumi, bc he knew megumi was strong, and would grow up to be someone even stronger, but gojou can't facilitate or encourage his growth, bc for all they're similar, they are so fundamentally different. ALSO,, while geto was in his life, gojou rly judged everything according to his understanding of geto’s moral compass. gojou wears a human suit and geto is how he learnt to wear it well 🏃

the dragonfly analogy regarding to geto’s response to gojo, who was shown wearing a dragonfly patterned yukata in HI arc,, i’m trying to not think abt the fact that dragonfly symbolized victory in jpn....pain. i quoted from a web here for more explanation : In Japan the dragonfly is known as the "victory insect", or kachimushi, because of its hunting prowess and also because it is known to never retreat. Dragonflies are agile and fast fliers and can even hover, but never fly backwards

and bringing this up again, matricide and patricide are 2 of the 5 worst act to commit in buddhism, and it was said that if u commit one of those act u’re going to spend a real long time in the deepest pit of hell before continuing the samsaric cycle (higher chances to be born as an animal after that probs)— this might be geto’s divine retribution. held no power over his own body and could be considered that he’s the same as those “monkeys” 💀

ALSO the fact that sukuna's interest is "eating" rly drives home his hedonistic philosophy of seeking pleasure for himself. and he’s a cannibal...makes me think if he’ll just chomp on ppl with the mouth on his stomach

randomly, to date i think he hasn't really called himself a human, shaman, or a curse, and has held himself apart from all 3, and we've also the intro of the cursed wombs so i wonder if he’s trying to become, or is, a different entity altogether

so onmyoji got mentioned in the interview and what they practice is called onmyodo and abe no seimei and kano no yasunori were the notable practitioners,, and the kamo in jjk is the same as irl who served the imperial court back then

maybe i was right when i said that the relation between the govt. and jujutsu elders are similar to how the shogunate and imperial court work (ie, the former holds the actual power) but... lets see later,,

and i cant believe that i actually nailed it on the analogy of jujutsu practices by religion,,, so mahayana buddhism, shintoism, and taoism is present in jjk along with their respective jujutsu practices...but between the 3, it shld (?) be taoism > shintoism > mahayana buddhism (which could took a path to pure land buddhism)

it’s weird that the number of curses are supposedly higher in jpn comparable to other countries when taoism was brought from china....tengen sus

so the zenin family tree is sth like :

brothers: [toji's dad] ; naobito ; ougi

so toji, naoya, and maki & mai are cousins of the same generation

[toji's dad] → jinichi (probs) ; toji → megumi

naobito → other brothers, naoya

ougi → maki, mai

but yea i’d call anyone who’s within/close or below my age range as cousins and others above 30 as uncles/ aunts LMFAO,, i dont rly memorize my own family tree 😭😭 especially since most call the other by honorifics instead of names : aunt, uncles etc or attaching said honorifics at the end of a name for an older sibling figure/ older cousins [but like ppl in my country also call the other who are older with sibling honorific even if we’re strangers,,, rly similar to korea’s hyung/oppa—eonnie(unnie)/noona but some uses more genderless honorific] (1)

tw // topic of incest, mentions of abuse

if anyone got the wrong idea when reading this : i am not glorifying/ romanticising incest(uous themes),, i’m looking at this with absolutely no lenses of bias even tho im rly against it

初恋 = literally : first love, or puppy love

恋 = romantic love/ deep longing

i literally don't know how else to put this...🧍and with language barrier...using a western interpretation of the eng word "love" to explain a jpnese term is not quite that simple, unfortunately

that thread omg,, i rly do understand how exactly someone could associated kindness with love bc of my upbringing, it was when i was slightly older that i was just...oh so its not like that orz,,, so the most plausible explanation would be that

but the problem is that,, akutami never specify when exactly she had a crush on them,, and when megumi answered todo’s question she had a “♡” reaction 😶,, uhmmm there’s rly no way to look past this if its this way or be in denial

i’ve seen some of "why wouldn't mai react that way after hearing megumi say he'd like someone who's compassionate when she's surrounded by men like naoya",, well I MEAN,,, that, but also mai probs admires that megumi grew up so well out of the clan, regardless of the fact that he had the foundation (10 shadows) to do so. imo she seems happy for him the way she can't be for maki, bc maki ultimately had to leave her behind

hate to say it but yea,, the 3 clans most likely still practice inbreeding in order to preserve their power and presumably their wealth too 😀

i had an idle thought abt it at first but i filed it deep in the back of my mind asap,, bc i ont wanna jump to conclusion abt this out of all things too early. it’s probably not even in jjk, but all those elite clans in other ani/mangas that produce powerful heirs and whatnot also do the same,,, but this way of (my personal) thinking was influenced when i first got into tsukihime (type-moon),,, i read abt the nanaya family background and found out that they practice that in order to keep their bloodline “pure” (to keep it short : they have an optical power),, and i had this kind of assumption ever since so there’s that

i’m,, convinced the zenins' inbreeding made it more difficult for them to get powerful shamans bc they got 2 jujutsu technique-less children with heavenly restrictions in the same generation: toji & maki

even more convinced that maki might be a bit stronger than toji bc toji could see curses without aid while maki can't so the pay-off must be higher,,, SJJASN IDK ,,, plus naoya sort of implies his older brothers are nothing compared to him, and idk if we should take that as his arrogance or that his older brothers rly are weak/powerless. it would make sense as to why naobito had a lot of sons, ig, as head of clan

i feel so bad that if one of the factors that can caused heavenly restriction is inbreeding,, toji and maki and mai had no say in how they wanted to be born but are scorned for it,, typical asian families projecting their traumas and ideals onto their kids but get mad when they realize that those ideals are ugly...😁😁😁

since the zenin are conservative,, i wonder if they still hold onto old jpnese dining traditions. where in ancient jpn, hierarchical relationships were made readily apparent even within families. a dining table where everybody sat down and ate as equals would be unheard of. rather, each individual is given their own table that indicates their status,,, someone who is not considered “strong” according to the zenin’s views most likely have no place at the table, and probs eat when those who are “strong” finished/ serve them when they are eating

if toji was tossed into a swarm of curses,, i dont think abuse during said time is below them,,,

the zenin clan was already great, but they further amassed power and strength by, what i assume to be, marrying and adopting powerful individuals into the clan 🤔 ,,, i imagine they're like the hiiragi but without doing what they did to shinya (ons reference)

BUT after all that, i like to think that since akutami’s a big horror fan, jjk might be an outlet to explore said topics or even darker ones, so i wouldnt be that surpised abt it. given that there’s more than enough “red flags” before this was dropped : a reference to “tale of hikaru genji” when a grown woman asked for gojou’s number in HI arc (out of all things); granny who transformed into the man’s daughter, sat on his lap and man just touched her waist; mei mei and ui ui ; and...this (incestous theme is in the novel btw)

lets not start with whatever the fuck in kubo’s head in the interview otherwise i’m writing paragraphs with every curse words possible,, those big 3 mangakas are so— UGH,, a planet w out (cis) men like him sounds real good rn 😌 if one of yall out there decide to do it,, pls hmu rly cant do this shit anymore

akutami said i like my men pretty and i like women who will step on my neck and spit in my face (I REMEMBERED TATSUKI FUJIMOTO’S INTERVIEW WHEN HE WAS ASKED ABT MAKIMA AND IT WAS SO 😭😭😭😭) but ykw,, love that for both of them <3

when i said 3 : one piece, bleach, naruto. aside from the blatant depiction/ characterize of women in those 3,, idk if some ppl arent aware yet but oda is friends with two (2) convicted pedos,, man...the major disappointment and disgust when i first find out abt it

anyways this is just my 2 cents (which i think rightfully belong to the trash can) so pls just take this w a lil to no grain of salt - 🐱

YEAH THE ♡ LMFAO I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A “good answer ♡“ heart BUT NOW IM RE-EXAMINING?????

honestly i wouldn’t be surprised if the three clans practiced inbreeding. but ik people are going to be 😡😡😡😡😡 about it when the queen of fucking england is literally married to her (something) cousin. i’m not justifying it but like....love the double standards, just as always with the west 😍

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THAT FUCKING PED* LIST THEY SHOULD ALL BE IN JAIL. JAILLLLL. it’s all so gross. that’s why i fucking hate when people look towards manga for positive representation because the chances of that are super slim to zero, especially since the industry is saturated with misogyny and ped******* and a lot of other gross stuff.

i think ppl forget jjk is a horror manga LOL so obviously it’s going to confront darker themes. the question is whether it’s going to be done tastefully or not......

#honestly I don't have high hopes unfortunately 😭#but who knows I might be...pleasantly surprised #idk I don't have high hopes in manga nowadays so hmmm #anyway as always I enjoy ur thoughts <3 ❤️❤️#hope ur doing well!!!#and getting all those genshin impact goodies #🐱 anon #long post

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steponmepinkjun · 3 years

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I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

#felix-bi-anon #asksteppie

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demiromantic-official · 4 years

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I'm demisexual and I think I might be demiromantic but I don't know much about it. I was reading thru your blog and saw the definition "no romantic attraction without emotional connection" and I'm confused what the difference is between the two. There's ppl I rly connect w that I want to date but I can't seem to actually fall in love w them. So I know there is a difference but I'm not sure what it is. And I'm wondering why I can't love these ppl even tho I want to

It’s human to connect with people in various ways, but love isn’t the end result for all these connections. Demiromantic people need a kind of connection to become romantically attracted (ie, have a crush), but that doesn’t mean that they end up attracted to every person they have a connection with.

What you’re talking about, love, is more tricky. Love takes time and the right circumstances and connection. Even lots of people who are not arospec have never been in love, even if they’ve been in relationships. There’s nothing wrong with you. But you may want to ask yourself, why you want to love them. Do you feel like you should due to your connection? Do they fall for you? Something else?

I say this because if you feel like you have to force yourself to love someone in that way, it could mean either that you’re aromantic, or that you’re not attracted to that gender in the way you think.

Another thought to add, and I don’t mean to confuse or doubt you, is that love is more of a choice and action than the feeling that many people expect it to be. As one matures, it shouldn’t be the burning, hurting feeling that it is described to be, so if you’re expecting that, know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Love is caring about someone and choosing to continue caring. Of course that doesn’t mean the initial romantic fall is a conscious choice. I’m just leaving some food for thought.

tl;dr: Not every connection turns into romantic attraction or love, not even for demiromantic people. Not even every romantic attraction turns into love, and this applies to people regardless of orientation. Love shouldn’t be forced; if you feel you have to force it, either it isn’t right, or you may be aromantic or not romantically attracted to that gender. Finally, love isn’t always an overwhelming feeling so much as a choice and caring about someone, so it is also possible you don’t recognize love.

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judehayward · 4 years

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lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music....

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight.......

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

#ruhqintro #depression tw #death tw #grief tw #neglect tw #trauma tw #drugs tw

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6ad6ro · 5 years

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um so… i woke up thinking of this old friend. she was like best friends w my bad ex? like i used to hang out w her like crazy. she was rly nice? mostly? tho she def had this issue where she didn’t rly know what she wanted in life. and let other ppls warped judgements of “how ppl should act” rub off on her.

like i remember times she would more or less call me a lazy piece of shit to my face. like it was somehow “understood”? but then i’d be like “why are u calling me that?” and she wouldn’t know. bc it wasn’t her actual opinion. she liked who i was. idk she was just rly confused. i think her brother was a cop. her dad was emotionally neglecting and like conservative or militant? i remember her always wanting to smoke pot but also saying “drugs are bad™”. she was someone who u could tell always wanted to be free but was held back by the opinions of the people around her.

especially her on again off again bf? i… didn’t like him. he wanted to grow up to be a politician. he only listened to classic rock. he looked and acted like a conservative wanabee eric foreman from that 70s show, but somehow even worse. he had her convinced that her dream was to be “a loving housewife”… it made me sick. i remember how he tried to convince her to stop hanging out w her best friend and me JUST bc she smoked pot. bc “she was an evil hippie and bad”. i mean tbh she SHOULD have stopped hanging out w my bad ex, but for completely dif reasons. like he was def that kinda guy. a selfish, immature, stubborn, self-righteous idiot. but he was the first guy to ever rly like her. and she had… self esteem issues. i remember how she would… was always waiting for him to decide to wanna go out w her. she seemed so lonely.

her and i were kinda friends separately from my bad ex (lets call her “A”). so one time i remember she ended up coming over to hang w me n watch rocky horror in my room? it was rly fun tbh!! we were having a great time! it was totally innocent! but i remember at one point she like… got weird. got up. and was like “im sorry i think i’m being a bad person i gotta go”. and left? i didn’t get it at the time? or rather… i think i denied it. she clearly liked me, wanted something to happen that night, and felt like a bad friend for having those thoughts. i never asked her about it but looking back it was p obvious. also A was a control freak n just a bad person… so i wouldn’t be surprised if she told L to stay away from me. even tho A was constantly cheating on me n using everyone around her etc. idk it was complicated.

i also remember another time before her and that guy that became her bf (lets call her “l” and him “m”)… i remember there was some small party at my house and for some horribly embarrassing reason my bad ex (we were still together then) convinced me to mess around w her under a blanket in same room as our other friends? we were all v v drunk. i guess it made others in room feel v lonely n so L and this other girl started like… both making out w the one other guy in the room? it was bizarre. that kind of stuff is fine in some circumstances? but this was rly unhealthy. i remember the guy felt bad and told the other girl he had to stop bc he had always rly liked L and wanted to see where things would go w her? other girl said she was fine w it (and knowing her persona it easily was?) and he ended up napping on floor w L. next day i think she woke up, completely regretted what happened, and ran back to M. it kinda sucked for guy bc he rly cared about her but she never even was willing to talk about what had happened. to her it was just a drunken mistake (i knew she kinda liked him back but obv she was scared).

even w all that stuff, L was a constant member of our hangout group for like… 7 or 8 years straight? idk! it was always rly fun w her! even if, looking back, A constantly was ruining all our fun w her insane bullshit. i have fond memories of 3am park hangouts n just roaming around talking n going on adventures… i’d never cheat on a partner. never have, never will. but i think i did have like… feelings for L that i always ignored? that part of her that… wanted freedom? from those weird family’s/bf’s/society’s ideals that she let chain her down? it was attractive. she was a nice person just doin her best.

anyways i remember around when A and i finally broke up for good (only a month after my dad died, if u wanna know how awful of a person A was). and she ended up taking me aside n warning me that A had been cheating on w me w another guy, but it’d gotten serious w him. and A of course was lying and stringing me along so she could get money n sex from me etc. A using me was p common. but L had had enough and “betrayed A” (did a v nice thing) and told me. i think that was… really what set in motion A and i being done for good. that helped wake me up about what a horrible person A was. and had always been. i’ll always be grateful to L for that. that must’ve been hard for her. and i think her and A’s like 10 year friendship died over that. which rly was a good thing like A was a terrible person.

anyways fast forward like 2? 3?? 4 years? L had gone off to a college out of state w her boyfriend M. she… followed him around. no judgement, but it prob wasn’t good for her. i was in an apartment in another city and me and A had been DONE™ for years. i was still def hurt from the 8+ years of abuse, but i was def over her at least. seeing other ppl regularly. it was def a weird time for me but… that’s another story.

L and i hadn’t rly talked in years. i just didn’t rly associate w ppl A still hung around. i never knew her and L had stopped being friends or i prob woulda kept up w L. i don’t think L and i cut off contact on purpose, but it was just one if those “things”. but L hit me up outta the blue. was like “ back in town do u wanna hang?” and we did! it was rly nice seeing her! we went out and about. idk. we started hanging for a bit. but she… idk she clearly rly enjoyed my company? but also… had those weird judgements. idk.

one time we were hanging and she was at my place and saw all the alcohol i had layin around and was like “hey uhhh can i have some?” and i was like “hehe okay i guess we can drink” and ordered a pizza and we just hung out.

idk but before we got drunk she finally told me why she was back. M, the guy she had followed to college, had done the gross, stereotypical dude thing of breaking up w her right after they both graduated. i got a vibe he had been cheating on her all throughout too. he rly was the type. and as we drank we talked about it. i felt so bad for her. she vented all night. and idk all i remember was we were both v drunk and i think i was… idk why my head was in her lap? but she was playing w my hair. and idk. we kissed. things happened. she seemed so happy w it! i was too. i even stupidly cracked a joke “i bet A would be rly pissed if she saw us rn” and we both laughed. i always regretted sayin it tho bc its not like i was doin it to get back at A.

but i remember we were in my bed making out bc i had accidentally gotten aggressive w her n slammed her into a wall n started kissing her? so hard her nose started bleeding? i felt awful but she LOOOVED it and idk we somehow wound up in bed. idk i kinda regret this. bc… i was having a hard time around then and… just sleeping w all my friends? it just became… clockwork. i would do what i thought my friends wanted me to do regardless of how i felt. i had become kinda a slut.

so i remember like… making out but then i started to escalate things? and i think fir a split second she sobered up and was like “wait lets cool this down a little”. and i was like “okay no prob” and we both tried to go for a walk n find a park? we walked hand in hand and she kept telling me how happy she was? like how… this was the kinda stuff M would never do with her? she was just smiling a lot. it was cute. but i was so drunk n still fairly new to area, so i took her in wrong direction from the park. we ended up giving up n just walking back.

we got back in and thats i think when she sobered up mostly but i wad still out of it? and she realised her dog hadn’t been fed. it was def a partial excuse but she rly loved that dog so i could tell it was REAL guilt. i felt bad bc i tried to take her hand n go back into my room bc i wanted her to stay n cuddle? i was just drunk. i wasn’t forceful, but i shoulda been like “oh that’s fine!” but tbh i was also a touch worried she was too drunk to drive. well anyways… she left.

later we did have a looong talk about it. like… she ended up going to try and get back with M again (i still will never know what she saw in him like he rly used her n treated her bad like even going so far as to ask her advice on dating other girls after they broke up). but idk i thought she was smart enough to end things w him, and could tell her and i had feelings, so i tried to stay a lil closer than friends? idk what i told her but it was along the lines of “we can stay friends but if things happen sometimes it’s okay w me”. i look back on it w embarrassment but i guess it wasn’t that bad a thing to say?

but rly it was mostly a drunken mistake. and she was scared. and wanted to cut it off. she couldn’t end things w M like she was still torally in love w him even tho he had abandoned her. tbh i know what that’s like. well anyways i remember a few hangouts later she just… bailed on me? in a rly mean way? i had gone to pick her up from her house (idk 30 min drive each way) and she just… totally stood me up. i was parked at her house like texting her wondering where she was? and she sent me a text like “sorry something came up”. and wouldn’t tell me what happened and i got annoyed and drove home.

i have a feeling now that like M had… shown back up in her life and she sorta… threw me away to run back to him? i mean i can’t take it too personally bc she woulda done that to ANYONE. i don’t remember what happened after that but we just stopped talking again. i saw later on fb that her and M had gotten engaged or married?? idek? idk if her and i are still fb friends or if one of us blocked the other or what? i don’t remember.

but idk. i hope she’s well. i hope M got WAYYY better. or she left him. or idk. i wouldn’t even know how to contact her. i’m almost afraid to. like bc i… could see her giving up on her dreams and just being that housewife to him. even if she was mildly content doing that, i know she’d never be happy. and it’s so unlikely that he’d have grown to be good to her. i just… hope she’s doing well and is okay and happy. idk why i woke up worrying about her. it’s been so long… i’m such a dif person now. idk. time is weird.

#long

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theharellan · 5 years

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dragon age positivity meme | accepting

i’m going to be answering these in one post for the sake of simplicity and cutting down ooc posts!

✾ your favourite da:o main quest | sent by @cuervocanto

my actual favourite quest is paragon of her kind, but i talked about why i love that one here. and yes, i don’t even rly mind the deep roads.

my second favourite is probably the landsmeet, especially taking into account that it has some sub-main quests that are grouped together under the umbrella of preparing for the landsmeet. such as resucing anora, breaking out of fort drakon, and solving the unrest in the alienage. i find returning to the alienage as tabris second to aeducan returning to orzammar, but it’s still very interesting coming back to a place where you grew up with no power, suddenly having power. and regardless of origin the worldbuilding is good, immediately the fact that you’re barred from the alienage upon initially entering denerim tells you a lot about the state of elves in ferelden. the choice at the end isn’t particularly difficult, “slavery is bad” isn’t a controversial opinion even in ferelden and so even the warden i created with the intention of being That Kind of Human couldn’t choose that option, BUT it does make for an emotional choice when playing tabris

as for rescuing anora and breaking out of drakon, i just love the humour in the quest. i never have my warden break out themselves just so i can have the companions bullshit their way in. my personal favourite combination is zevran and oghren, although i do enjoy morrigan-leliana and sten-dog, as well. i think my fave thing about oghren and zev tho is that iirc they’re one of the most successful combinations.

as for the landsmeet itself, it’s not particularly challenging, but i enjoy the variety of options you get and how it changes the game going forward. like, in every game anora is queen for me in some capacity, but beyond that i’ve had a bitter king alistair working with a warden who recruited loghain, loghain and the warden alone, etc. i enjoy the politicking and making an alliance with anora. it’s enjoyable even on replays.

❄ your favourite da:i personal quest | sent by @pentaghasted

my actual favourite personal quest is cole’s, which i talked about here. instead i’ll talk about iron bull’s b/c i’m glad they committed to what they started in trespasser and i also appreciate how the choice is set up. most of us save the chargers b/c the lot of them stole our hearts in the two scenes they were in, but unlike some other choices in the series choosing the sadder/arguably worse option doesn’t require you to be roleplaying as an evil bastard to choose it.

so like, most games i save the chargers, but my playthrough where i’m playing a practical trevelyan-- she goes with the qunari dreadnought. the chargers were assets, but a qunari alliance could have been more beneficial in the long term. heck, even my inquisitor who saves the chargers feels a lot of guilt about it-- because even if she didn’t know the people on the dreadnought, there were a whole lot of them, and her decision got them killed. she needed to show she cared for her own people first, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t matter.

which contrasts this personal quest for something like... say, fenris’s third one, which don’t get me wrong, is very emotional. but i cannot fathom why a hawke how kept fenris around for all that time and clearly spent time talking to him would just say “yeah you can take him” its just kinda over-the-top cruel. so i am glad when i can roleplay the alternate decisions i ordinarily wouldn’t make.

and i love seeing the quest’s differing effect on bull. he adjusts either way, but one puts him on a path where he’s going to be facing you, one way or another. and he pays the price for that.

♦ your favourite piece of lore | sent by @felandaristhorns & @sephirajo

i’ve answered this before the last time i reblogged this meme and answered the dalish mage lore from da:i and rivain just. as a whole. i’m going with the lore regarding elvhenan, though, b/c i think the games do a good job of subverting what we were told in da:o and da2 while also explaining how those misconceptions happened. i love going back to the previous games and seeing new angles to the lore and the places where they were building up to it. i love seeing the foreshadowing within inquisition itself.

and i just love how elvhenan is characterised, as a hyper-magic society where reality and dreams aren’t necessarily different things. and where feelings are just as physical as every other aspect of a person. it explains so much about the fade, spirits, solas, it makes even comments like merrill’s-- someone with a pretty nuanced view of spirits-- kind of sad. she calls the fade “another people’s land” not knowing that it was her land, and her people.

while i’m on that spirits in general make me sad. how perception screws with them, and how i think that just further isolates mages. for once i don’t think this is a plot by the chantry, i don’t think they’re lying about how they think spirits are, they’re just wrong to characterise them as they do. but at the same time i don’t think they’d disapprove of the effect is has on mages. it’s cutting them off from potential friendships, and not only that but friendships the templars would have 0 way of regulating given they could potential happen in dreams.

but i’m off-topic. the point is i find the worldbuilding surrounding elvhenan, to be some of bioware’s best. it makes sense, it’s nuanced and varied and doesn’t make elvhen characters wear one single hat. clearly it was a heavily flawed place, but it had a lot of merits and you can see why solas misses it or why cole, upon learning that the veil was never meant to be, feels validated by the idea that he was never wrong to want to be a part of both worlds.

♬ your favourite part of the da:i soundtrack | sent by @daggersandpoison

da:i has the best soundtrack in the series and i don’t think this is a controversial opinion. i do love inon sur’s work, and i was a little worried when i heard morris was composing inquisition b/c i found me3′s soundtrack to be overall a step down from me2′s (it lost a lot of what made the mass effect series unique). BUT with inquisition he managed to keep dragon age’s unique sound while also improving upon it. the inquisition theme gives me chills when i start up the game and even while i’m walking around in the field and a few chords play while i’m picking up my 100th elfroot.

but it’s always hard to choose my favourite. it’s honestly a tie between journey to skyhold and the dark solas theme. both of these give me specific solas feelings, the former b/c you have solas entrusting a lot of hope and faith in the inquisitor (it’s esp poignant if by that point you have a burgeoning friendship with him). and b/c it comes off one of the strongest moments in the dragon age series, aka the battle of haven and encounter w/ corypheus. also i love the dawn will come, fite me. and from my inquisitor’s perspective, esp my main inquisitor, thora, this is probably the first time she’s felt like she was worth all this herald talk. even if she doesn’t believe it, the song beginning with a soft, unsure sound and rising to a triumphant end when skyhold is unveiled encapsulates what i love about the inquisitor’s story and my inquisitor’s personal feelings.

dark solas theme i love b/c it conveys so much of the sadness and loneliness of his character. i would talk more about it b/c it makes me so sad i literally can’t listen to it unless i’m writing post-trespasser solas and even then it’s risky. it’s just a good track ok. and it caps off my favourite dlc.

ღ your favourite da:i banter | sent by @renaudtrevelyan

i talked about some banter i love here between bull and solas. i have to admit i have a hard time choosing my favourite in da:i b/c i just love so much of the banter in this game. i always tell myself not to choose solas banter, and i’m going to... choose one solas and one non-solas.

Solas: I do not understand you, Sera. You have no end goal for your organization. Sera: Nobles get rattled, and people get payback. I play in the middle. Solas: Why not go all the way? You see injustice, and you have organized a group to fight it. Don't you want to replace it with something better? Sera: What, just lop off the top? What's that do, except make a new top to frig it all up? Solas: I...forgive me. You are right. You are fine as you are. Sera: You hurt my head sometimes, Solas. Solas: Yes, I have been known to do that.

this banter is great to me (and all the banter leading up to it) b/c it informs so much about both of their characters. solas is trying to help sera, in this string of banter. he’s trying to give advice so that the red jennies could potentially become an organisation that does more than makes little people’s lives better with pranks or the occasional knife in someone’s back. it’s a conversation between two characters who are, in different ways, absolutely sick of the system and have different ways of dealing with it.

solas wants change. sweeping, societal change. sera isn’t sure change will help any, and would prefer the relative stability of a pre-breach world where she knows which way’s up. neither is wrong to deal with it the ways they are, and solas just has to look at the top he lopped off to see that, yes, they grow back just as bad. idk i just love solas and sera a lot and i love seeing what they have in common and how they handle their frustrations differently.

Sera: I don't get it. If you want to change, just change. Why this "fake Warden" rubbish? Blackwall: For one, people wanted me dead. Being someone else kept me breathing. Blackwall: And then, knowing that people thought I was good made it easier. Sera: (Laughs.) You needed them to think you could, so you could think you could! Sera: You're smart, but you're sort of stupid.

i’m picking another sera banter b/c i love her. i love sera b/c she’s smarter than ppl give her credit for, she cuts through why rainier did what he did the same way cole does. their relationship on the whole is very sweet and it was hard choosing one banter. but i appreciate her ability to both love and support thom while also calling him out on his bullshit. the two of them are good for each other and im so glad they’re friends. my only regret is i’ve never seen thom as sera’s best man in wedding art. or sera as blackwall’s for that matter. their friendship needs more love-- actually, sera just needs more love period.

☄ your favourite da:i codex entry | sent by @chantrysworn

i love this codex entry, describing wisdom (solas’s spirit friend):

When the summoning ritual was complete, the spirit appeared. Both spirits and demons have no gender as we understand it, but this one, much like the rare and dangerous desire demon, presented as female. Although its form was not threatening, the spirit carried itself with a confidence, an awareness, I suppose, that I have seen only in the most powerful of demons.

This spirit of wisdom was polite and courteous. It answered our questions about the Fade, even acknowledging the difficulty when we could not understand what it meant. There was none of the bargaining one normally associates with a summoned creature, save that the spirit sometimes asked us questions as well. Heras shared a mathematical formula he had recently proven, while Etrenne explained her study on magical themes in the Chant of Light, and young Rhys talked a little about his mother.

When we were finished, the spirit thanked us for the conversation and then vanished, although none of us had dismissed it. We soon discovered that the summoning ritual we had devised was critically flawed. The spirit had been under no compulsion to come or remain. All the time it had talked with us, it had stayed of its own volition. Heras was greatly concerned that such a powerful spirit remained free, and has updated the ritual to correct for the weakness in the binding enchantment. I understand his caution, but I also confess that I quite enjoyed the conversation. I am not certain the spirit would have talked so freely had it been shackled at the time.

—An excerpt from Spirits of the Spire by Senior Enchanter Francois

you can see so much of why they were friends in this codex. the politeness, answering and asking questions, no bargaining just a nice conversation where both parties learn things. and then you find out it never had to show up in the first place, it just wanted to-- and likely would not have been as accommodating had it not been free.

it’s great for informing us on a character we tragically don’t know all that well. and also? it’s incredibly sad when you think about what happens to it, it almost makes you wonder if the mages who ultimately bound and killed it would have had better luck simply asking for its protection. solas says something along those lines, but he also says it prefers remaining in the fade (interesting in itself, given that the chantry pushes the agenda that all spirits want beyond it. contradicted by multiple spirits we’ve met tbh, including cole, who actually quite likes the fade).

this codex is also interesting b/c it tells you some about what mages study and do with their time. and it goes back to what i mentioned previously, w/ chantry attitudes depriving spirits and mages of one another’s company.

anyway i love wisdom and it deserved better.

#( positivity )#( positivity meme )#( ooc )#( long post )#[ i love da / da:i sm #cries softly into hands ]

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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

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gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now) and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it.

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now.

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it. i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess.

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have a ballet company idk.

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.

#ballet an hobbies and thoughts and lots of things.#honestly noneed to read

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actiasteeth · 6 years

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angsty relationship asks: david/ryan

do they have a lot of arguments? if so, over what? so so so many. typically ghosting / lack of communication and “”needing space”””””. later: “pls stop trying to fucking kill me.””

who apologizes first? in what way? is it hard for either of them to apologize? seeing as ryan’s generally the one in the wrong,,,,,, he’s the one who Should be apologizing first. a lot of the time tho, he leaves it up to david or he apologizes w/o Explicitly apologizing b/c he has trouble owning up to being a shithead. ryan just gets softer and more affectionate w him, tries to do sth to make it up to him. a lot of “pls i didn’t mean it”” / “”forget abt it”” / “i love u”””.

which one has more insecurities? over what? david. probably abt whether or not he’s actually done sth wrong to warrant being treated poorly.

who gets more riled up? do they show their anger? nnnnn. it would depend on the context?? both of them are capable of showing their anger, lmao.

how do they hide their pain when they’re upset? do they try to hide their pain? on the rare occasion that ryan is not the one in the wrong he’s verbally v quiet abt being upset. he p much goes silent and gets v tense and untouchy. it takes a while for him to rly find the right words to be like “hey this upset me”” b/c on some lvl he’s always gonna feel like he deserves it.

who tries to make up first? does it work? ryan. he can go from 100 to 0 in the blink of an eye if he’s over it. will try to act like nothing fucking happened. it’s,,,,,,, iffy at best.

would they hate-fuck if they were mad at one another? if they had a falling out? eeeeeh. theoretically ryan could be into this but in practice he closes off when he’s angry so probably not. they’re all abt that make up sex game tho.

do they hold grudges? is it hard for them to let go/forgive each other? david does more so than ryan. once ryan is over sth, once he’s had the time to process it, he’s over it and doesn’t care to revisit it.

is there something big that could potentially tear them apart if it was revealed? no?? i mean there’s a lack of communication sure but they don’t rly keep things from each other??

if something already happened to tear them apart, what would make them come back together? is it even possible? main verse, i think they’re p much doomed. breakup au?? there would need to be a solid exhibition of Growth mostly on ryan’s end—in his stability, in the way he handles situations, in reeling in his vices. david would have to trust him to be better.

what’s their favorite pass time when they’re upset? leaving mean drunk comments abt himself on david’s videos.

who do they confide in when shit hits the fan (besides each other)? ryan always goes to his sister loren if he goes to anyone at all. 70% of the time he’s gonna keep that shit to himself tho.

is it hard for them to talk about their feelings openly with each other? if so, is there any way that can be resolved, even in the slightest? david is more open than ryan is when it comes to Real Shit. whenever ryan is gearing up to vent abt things he just ends up sitting there saying nothing. ryan needs a couple drinks in him before he starts talking tbh.

who grieves more when the other is away? david.

who misses the other more, or really thinks about them more? also david. it’s not that ryan doesn’t think abt him or miss him, he’s just less inclined to let it bother him.

do either of them have a special item (an article of clothing, a necklace, a book) that they use when they miss the other? if so, what is it? what do they do with it (read, wear, look at, smell)? ryan’s absconded w enough of david’s clothes,,,,,, he wears them around the house p much 100% of the time tbh, even when he’s not Highkey missing him.

who cries more? who gets more emotional in general? is this evn up for debate?? david. it’s david.

do either of them have the other’s stuff lying around their house? feel like david would be more inclined to leave shit lying around ryan’s.

how about teasing? do they tease each other while in a fight (whether it be with themselves or just general teasing)? unlikely. they generally take their fights p srsly?? unless it’s like clearly a fake argument then 5000% yes to both.

do either of them have any vices? ryan drinks too much and gets progressively worse as their relationship deteriorates.

what’s the thing they miss most about each other? ryan doesn’t usually miss one thing abt david in particular??? if he’s missing him, he’s missing him as a whole. if anything got to him in time tho, it would probably be the lack of physical touch. as shallow as that sounds, lmao.

what’s their go-to breakup/angst song? for ryan, trouble by cat stevens.

who’s more jealous? neither of them rly. like, sure, they’re falling apart but it’s not like there’s any legitimate fear of unfaithfulness or anything of that sort.

who is the first to forgive? again,,,,,,, not that david is the one who needs forgiveness, lmao. but ryan will convince himself that things are david’s fault evn when he Knows they aren’t; will then proceed to drop it and be all “””i just want us to be ok,, dw abt it”” ?????????? whom’st’ve’d.

what’s the one deal breaker for either of them (lack of communication, fear of commitment, etc)? lack of communication, def. and being “””needy””””””””.

who would take longer to let go? do they ever really “let go”? both of them get an F in letting go (see: the breakup au). never in the 4yrs that they were apart did ryan even Try to move on or let go. like did he date?? sure. but he never went into it w the mindset that it would last and the Smallest things fucked him up on how Wrong everything felt and how Not David everything was and he just,,,,,,,,,, No. also main verse????? david won’t go into the fuckign light and insists on terrorizing ryan instead???? double F in letting go.

which is more afraid of confrontation? neither of them are a fan.

who’s the first to distance themselves (if either)? u kidding?? ryan.

who’s more patient? is it hard to break that patience? david. he put up w so much, pls. that said, ryan likes to think he’s p patient w ghost!david but That is too little too late.

who’s the first to blame themselves? david. ryan will shift blame off himself evry chance he gets even when he Knows damn well he’s in the wrong.

who’s more likely to do something out of spite? both.

who would be the first to say they hate the other? would they mean it? ryan. not to his face but he def told his sister that he hated him not long before david died. he didn’t mean it for a single second. even when he starts being a shitty demon abt things ryan still doesn’t hate him. he clings so hard to this ideal version of david that,,,,,, idk if there will ever come a time where there isn’t this part of him that’s so incredibly deep in love w that version of him.

who worries more? in the grand scheme of things, probably david. but i don’t see either of them as particularly big worriers.

what scent reminds them of the other? firewood. warm sugar syrup. asphalt.

do they have any regrets (regarding the other, or just in general)? ryan regrets taking david for granted. he regrets not actively trying to better himself regardless of always arguing that he was “”Trying””””. he regrets that he couldn’t commit himself to having a proper Talk abt how they could begin to fix things. not spending more time w him. not giving him the love he deserved.

who’s quicker to walk away if a situation gets heated? ryan generally backs off if david starts crying??? but if they’re just having a yelling match and no one is crying,, it just goes down until it doesn’t.

who is more prone to anger? ryan. he’s more irritable at least, so small things can set him off.

who cries more in an argument? do either of them cry? david obvs. ryan cries After the fact when he’s alone but p much nevr in front of david. he Will cry in front of ghost!david tho b/c it’s not like he’s got a choice.

does it take a lot for it to get to the point of yelling? no,,..,,..,….,,,,,

who sleeps on the couch? can either of them sleep without the other? ryan sleeps on the couch but not rly b/c they’ve been fighting. he’s just restless and gets frustrated if he’s lying there for too long trying in vain to sleep. that said they can sleep w/o each other (ryan isn’t exactly the biggest fan of cuddling anyway) but they Do appreciate the idea of waking up together so,, while it’s nice when it happens, it isn’t Necessary.

who’s more likely to protect the other? ryan??? in that if someone is talkin shit or sth he will Pounce both verbally and physically if he’s gotta.

if one of them gets injured, who worries more? i mean ryan’s out here encouraging david to do risky shit, Sure, but he’s like,, halfway joking and if david gets so much as a Scratch u bet ur ass ryan is tending 2 that shit. whenever they’re play fighting or w/e ryan is also rly conscious of letting up if david shows any sign of discomfort. i think ryan is?? generally???? less inclined??? to get injured????? but he will straight up Fight ppl if they push him so idk,, david might have reason to fuss over him but it’s Rare. he was probably a whole five and a half messes after asking david to teach him how to skate tho.

who would be more afraid of the other’s death/harm? LOL. i feel like this wasn’t rly a thing they worried abt Legitimately?? then it Happened and,, rip.

who ends up yelling first? are they always yelling when arguing, or do neither of them yell at all? 50/50 depending on what the argument is abt.

who would be more likely to save who? i wld think both of them wld make efforts to keep each other safe?? can’t speak for ghost!david’s problematic ass.

who stays up at night brooding? ryan’s insomniac ass.

who has more dreams/nightmares about the other? ryan has a lot of both after david dies. if u thought he wasn’t sleeping well Before,, that shit got 100% worse. he hates both but the good dreams especially always choke him tf up.

who comforts who after a bad dream/event? ryan before. now, no one.

do they think about each other a lot? does it affect their performance/schoolwork? in the earlier days of their relationship ryan was so bad at work, especially if they had plans for after he was off. he was constantly checking his phone and sending not-so-sneaky texts. catch him zoning out thinking abt him too. if david ever surprised him at work he always came back late from his break, lmao. he was bad in other ways when shit started going downhill in that he was absent and cold and quick to snap at anyone who breathed in his direction.

if one of them were to come back after a long time, who would come to who? would it go well? would the other person take them back? don’t think either of them would actively seek the other out?? i.e their reconnection would have to come as a coincidence. this goes abt as well as u would expect. both of them are some part willing to take each other back but,,,,, there’s def some hesitation there. ryan doesn’t trust himself to not fuck up all over again and sometimes it’s like he’s watching himself frm the outside. he keeps slipping up and making moves and trying to get david into bed but he always ditches before they have a chance to get Too Deep into feelings. eventually he ends up spilling his guts ofc (“””i’m still so fuckign in love w u u have no fucking idea”””) and they eventually bite the bullet and decide to try again. how well That goes is up for debate.

#it took 70yrs but we got here #c: ryan suriyasen #s: don't mind you under my skin; let the bad parts in #v: love of life written by the dead #.mr #thanhpls #long post ///#v: i don’t belong to anyone else

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starkissr · 7 years

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would u look at that I just had my first break down in a rly long time

today I honestly thought that things have never been worse for me. but u fucking know what? fuck my anxieties. fuck my fears. fuck every doubt and insecurity that's been replaying in my mind. I literally don't fucking deserve to put myself thru this emotional turmoil anymore than I already have. Friday started stressful. yesterday I relapsed back into my bad bad habit. I didn't even mean to but I couldn't stop it. I knew I was doing it and I couldn't care less and altho I just realized it but the level of dgaf I was abt it and how it got so bad literally so quick scared the fuck out of me. now I see it meant I didn't care abt myself anymore. I did see it was wrong but I rly didn't trust myself to take care of myself so my plan was to tell my most trusted friend n roommate here abt my problem so she could also look out for me and help me a little n yesterday I thought abt it but brushed it off. today I texted her and told her I needed to tell her something when were alone. I was so proud of myself for telling her that bc I was like ok now I can't back out of it and I rly rly have to speak up abt this. I guess I should've emphasized that it was v important to me but anyway she left before we got a chance to talk and that was yet ANOTHER thing that went wrong. I swear I've heard like just numerically more bad news today than I have in my life I think. everytime something else came up n I thought shit can't get fucking worse another thing would pop up n fucking emotionally destroy me all over again. but this one was so shitty bc this girl is MY GIRL n the only one I feel comfortable enough talking abt this and I even told her how I desperately needed a solid cry 2 n she wasn't fucking here for me when I needed her. I'm not mad at her like she's been thru v srs shit as of late too n ik she was stressed and why we weren't able to talk but it still fucking hurt bc all day when the hot tears would flood my eyes I kept trying to tell them and all my shit thoughts to sh go away. I would tell them at the end of the day u will come flooding out and I would stop torturing myself and not hold anything back and just say out loud every fucking last thing that's going wrong rn but then it would be ok bc at least it'd all be out of my head. so like I said I'm not mad at her bc that would just be selfish of me but I'm still hurt and i hate so much that I don't feel comfortable having that conversation w her anymore. I'm scared that no one here knows that I don't feel like I can take care of myself rn. I actually decided right now that it's ok that I don't wanna tell her anymore. I rly can't force myself to make myself feel uncomf and tell her something that deeply personal when I don't have the desire to anymore. but the only reason why I'm ok w that is I just compromised n I'm gonna go to talk to the psychologist at my school tm. even tho I rly can't afford to waste a fucking second of my time this week I literally have to go tomorrow or I'll never go. I've been telling myself for legit 4 years that I would start seeing someone but when it came down to it I would never go bc I would tell myself it's not like I have any like life or death problems anyway n when I would think abt making an appt since it would be scheduled in like 2 weeks I automatically would assume whatever the issue was would go away by then. but I fucking need to do this for myself so even tho I'm not planning on killing myself or anything I honest to fucking god need immediate attn rn and everytime I would consider doing the emergency mtg b4 I would be like oh I'm taking that time away from someone who honestly might wanna kill themself n since of c my problems aren't nearly as valid as that I would just be wasting everyone's time. but I need to be selfish this once. I need help I know I desperately fucking need it but I fucking can't stand myself that even tho ik that I still feel like I'm not worthy of going and getting the help I need. I'm still gonna make myself go but like shit man I should not be thinking that way abt myself. whatever idk I'll try to work on it

anyway I still rly did need to talk to someone even if it wasn't to tell my secret I still needed to vent abt all the other million things that had just gone to shit. I had a weird thing that wasn't a fight but like we never fight so it was just even weirder that happened w my best friend who I never have a problem spilling my heart and my soul to so that also was like ugh but I still woulda been down to call her until I remembered how she just started grad school n has more going on now than ever and that rn wasn't a good time for her. there's this other girl here who just within like the past couple of weeks I've gotten to know better n we just vibe so I thought abt dumping my shit on her but then I felt stupid bc I was literally just w her all day n of c now after she left I feel like bitching abt all my shit but I was like that's not a good enough reason to not talk to her so I decided to reach out

I honestly dk what I would've done if she hadn't been there for me. if ur actually reading this ridiculous thought process no like I said I wasn't gonna kms but that anxiety attack was sooooo bad n I've had my fair fucking share so I don't say that lightly but regardless I'm sosososoosososo grateful to her for being there n hearing out all my irrational concerns and being patient n eventually talking sense into me. I felt so vulnerable at first bc even tho she already knew abt some of what went down I honestly felt ashamed abt these problems I'm facing n it takes me a while to warm up to ppl and be THAT open even if it may not seem like a big deal to some I'm super private w somethings idk but she was so fucking amazing I even did kinda preface or hint or like not in as srs of a way but still did lightly bring up a lil part of my secret. she prob didn't even know it but that was so cool n felt liberating tbh. I'm so happy bc while we were studying earlier today, in a moment when those tears found my eyes again n I was tryna keep my cool n not bawl my eyes out in the library n just take deep breathes I drew this simple as can be flower at the top of my page with a cute smiley right in the flowers center in an effort to make myself feel better n showed it to her n when I was showing it off I decided i would want nothing more than to have this be my next tattoo. she laughed n we just talked n then I was like no but I'm not kidding I rly am getting it. to me it was so real that I was having a day from literal hell but that lil silly flower smiley lit up my insides n made me feel soooooo happy I can't explain n it was just a nice thing to try to redirect my thoughts to bc I already love flowers but idk this drawing is like literally a stroke of genius idc if it sounds crazy n anyway she looks at it longer n told me she honestly rly liked it too n said she would get it tatted n I told her again like I'm so srs this thing is giving me LIFE n she surprised me n said yeah me too n so we decided we would get matching tats n I thought abt all the past friends who I've had this convo w like obv abt diff tattoos but I was just asking myself if I rly would want to share this lil treat w her n I can't explain how but all the other times I've talked abt getting matching tattoos w good friends it just felt like a game and not real but this felt different. I'm so stoked were gonna do this together n the fact that I'll have one of my own doodles on my skin like I just love every bit of it. n I thought abt how it's gonna be so magical even when we graduate how the same smiley flower on me will go and see the world thru her eyes. she's from Dubai so even tho it's sad we can't live in the same city forever idk I genuinely feel like I'll be connected and there w her no matter where we go. it's unbelievable to me just how much of the same person we are n how close we've gotten so fast I'm so blessed to have her in my life

wow what an experience. hopefully tm is better

#mind

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lxckyclovers-blog · 7 years

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100+ followers, aaa!! i want to say a quick THANK YOU to everybody who stuck with me && SUPPORTED me, i really didn’t expect y’all to continue following me up to now and it really means a lot! i’ll mainly be writing about people who i’ve had some level of interaction with, but that DOES NOT MEAN i do not appreciate you && your blog! and now, without further ado and in no specific order:

@relixum / @gctshot / your other 6 blogs look at where we are... look at where we started... i know i don’t deserve you gale, but hear me out, that would be enough... honestly, we talk a lot, and as much as i compliment you whenever i get the chance to, that won’t stop me now. i love your rping so much?? like, every character you pick up, cherish, decide to give attention to... i instantly know that you’re going to write them so well!! you’re talented, smart, funny, and i! love! you! we just support each other a lot mutually, and whatever happens, no matter what, i’d like that to keep on happening in the future. but right now, know that i love you and you’re always in my mind at least twenty times a day. ♥

@pixcldream aaaAAA meme!! i think you were one of my first interactions when i first ever created my blog, but i can’t remember that. you were always kind of approachable for me && i always wanted to be your friend and talk a bit more to you? and heck, you may not be my parent anymore but you’ll always be a parent to me in my heart. i’ve always admired you and love your nanami and headcanons!! 100/10, justifies gamer girl a lot. i also love your art!! and u better watch out before i steal your hands to art like thy- also, if you feel as if you’re dying, Just Don’t

@mxssias aaaaAAALEX!! our hope boys combined together is a trouble we cannot keep at bay, and i am Glad™ i followed you because i love your naegi. he’s pure and only wants to do things for the sake of kibou, and i really love our boys’ interactions! even though... a lot has to do with crack. har har. but yeah, our interactions are a+ crack or serious, and may our hope boys spread hope!

@sunnywitchesperitou oooh tea!! i love your sonia, honestly! you put depth into her and you clearly know what you’re going to do to make sonia a much more interesting character! i also LOVE your art, like. dang, pleasing to the eye and just overall, your art blows me away!! keep doing what you’re doing mon ami, && you’re fun to talk w/, whenever we do!!

@snappshot / @cantatory / @steinways inHALES... sarah!! we haven’t threaded on your koi or mai yet but i don’t need to interact with them to know that you’re absolutely amazing and rping them. i love the dis//cords you host, bc it’s such a great idea!! even tho i don’t participate in much conversation, it’s still fun, and i love it whenever we talk mi amigaaaAAAA---ur portrayals are beyond amazing, i love how much care you harbor for your characters, that always leads to mind blowing rping!

@nullverum / @shpionaz listen up you four thirteen los3r...jk jk, boss you’re chill. i mean, i haven’t seen much of your oc but we talk ooc sometimes whenever i’m actually present in the groupchats, and it’s coolio!! i like your portrayal and bro u may not be my main but i will always kinkshame committee w/ you, and even though your name is from the horror film, er, my apologies---anime, homosuk, you’ll always be my friend! (also. psst i’m always up for discussing homosuk for a blast to the past if you need it)

@ofdesperationis MY FRIEND I LOVE IT WHEN YOUR ENO HARASSES MY KO, honestly!! like tbh, he’s just so salty at her and i love writing his reaction to her. he’s just so done with her && her HANDful of puns. i love you portrayal, too!! it’s trés bien, just...mmMM!! i didn’t know what i signed up for when i followed you back, but hoo boy do i not regret it. ko might not want to be friends with eno, buT IT SURE AS HELL doesn’t mean that we ain’t gonna be spicy friends if they ain’t!!

@mendcx / @kurenaii / i think you have other blogs but AKU GOD DAMN, i love your portrayals SO MUCH, and you know this...i know you doooo. i love our interactions && i love it when your kamu steps on my ko, fulfilling his gross and masochistic wishes. your kamu has to put up with so much shit and honestly, i kind of feel bad for him agikha but yo, hit me up in dms whenever bc bro i love talkin’ to you and i’m always up to more of that ship shit if you gotta dump out some stuff and CAN’T HOLD IT IN...oh if only you know how excited i was when you first hit me up, yo, harhar. love ya my buddy, my friend, my responsible friend

@lyingforadream / @hazuukashi / @ofstarsandfists ALRIGHT, DUSTING. j’aime tu rping, parce que est trés bien et tu ne peut pas dire moi autrement. okay, i translated some of that, bUT SOME OF IT IS FROM MY KNOWLEDGE SO YOU! CAN’T! JUDGE! ME! i’m still learning french mon ami, but still! i like your rping and hit me up in dms w/e i’m on and you wanna say something to me, bro. don’t hold back! you’re really funny and GOd, i love ur jokes but man YOU GOTTA STOP KILLING ME. but yea ily bro just try not to kill me anymore tyty you’re one of the best, don’t stop now

@shinguvji iggy!! yoo honestly, i’ve always looked up to you and whenever you notice me, i’m like 000: && you’re like a role model for me! i love interacting with you, it’s fun to see what happens when you put our two characters together. i’ll never forget the story times, especially the fact that guuji is an anthropologist who has Quite the Knowledge on, well, the strangest of stories. you’re really entertaining and i love seeing you on your dash, if i see anything posted by you, there’s like a 99% chance i’ll read it, because everything you create is intriguing!!

@ongakuvoices / @anemoia-avenoir / @ketsuekicrown AAAAAND RIO! gosh i absolutely LOVE the justice you give the characters, and i super duper wish you got more attention on nagisa because your portrayal is absolutely worth it, even if we haven’t interacted much on there. i love talking with you whenever i appear in the chatroom, and whenever we plot our twinbuki au!! can’t wait to set things straight and figure out family stuff, so we could start it already woohoo---your character portrayals are en pointe and i love interacting with you on any blog, and mioda always gives me that rush of adrenaline interacting with her like whoa!! what is she gonna do next? you’re doing 100% amazing so keep it up, my friend!!

@hexapodboy GOSH BON, i’ll be honest with ya!! i’ve always looked up to you and you always inspire me!! your portrayals are incredibly mind-blowing and i love seeing you on my dash!! your gonta is so pure and literally doesn’t deserve any of my ko’s antics, because he’s too innocent for it all. i love our crack threads and we need to get more serious threads going, seriously, but nonetheless our interactions are still amusing and, well, interesting! i wish we talked more ooc, you seem like a rly nice person && i love your kara icons ikhgkhgr really gives off the Cool™ demeanor, yo. but!! i can assure you that not 100% of our interactions will involve bombs, gonta deserves better than THAT

@mcfiant / @swcrdleap / your other 9 blogs--- IT’s been like, ten centuries bro, my dude, my partner in *komaeda and amami voice** death o’clock---and i love our interactions! and i love your portrayal of EVERY. SINGLE. CHARACTER. YOU. PLAY. regardless if i know that character or not, because you do such a good job that i just get the sense that it’s how the character legitimately is. we don’t talk much but when we did, it was amazing and i couldn’t stop laughing. i mean. it’s not every day you see amami kicking down doors over hiring assassins. i’ll always follow you mon ami because i love your portrayals and headcanons aND a lot more. one of my faves && i’ll read anything you have to offer bc your work is always interesting, honestly. even if your character is an asshole, komaeda can take it!!! he’s an asshole to himself, after all. but yea neal ily mi amigo and i promise i’ll tell you if anything’s wrong with your links akhgahg

AND I REFUSE TO FORGET THOSE WHO STUCK AROUND! the people in this section are people i’ve had really limited interactions with, but i’m very glad decided to stick around my blog!! i look up to you, and i wish i got to know y’all better so i could give you a spot up there with my positive comments!!

@despuddle / @kxaito / @fxshionable-mxsks / @ayatsurii / @kibarashiartist / @mxgicxlrxd / @invegold / @hairhorns / @twintaiiled / @goodluckgoodhope / @kyoukokiwigiri / @hxpelessnurse / @beheadingtoujou / @bubblegumrose / @fashicnkiller / @positivepianist / @robotichxpe / @bestiascuro / @docilexdisguises / @pseudxcode / @cxruscxte / @artqiues / @sollertiis / @boysofbrokensouls / @shufukuu / @frosted-mermaid

&& HAVE AN AMAZING WEEKEND!!!

#╠ ★ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴇʀsᴏɴ ɪɴsɪᴅᴇ ᴍᴇ; ɪ ᴛᴜʀɴᴇᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪʀʀᴏʀs ᴀʀᴏᴜɴᴅ. (ooc) ╣#╠ ★ ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ sᴜʀᴇ ᴡʜᴇɴ ᴛʜᴇʏ'ᴠᴇ ʜɪᴛ ᴛʜᴇɪʀ ᴍᴀʀᴋ. (follow forever) ╣#((thank you all so much; and if you're not on their---))#((that does not make you any less significant than the people on this list!!))

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7fics · 7 years

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i've been thinking about this prompt for dAYS lol. jjparents when yugyeom(5) watching his youngjae(8) hyung doing everything alone, from bath, choose his own outfit for school and sleep in his own room, and he decide he's big enough to do everything by himself too but when jinyoung feels his little baby has grown up, yugyeom still the maknae that they knew when thunders and nightmare take a visit:) thank you for taking this prompt:)

warnings: none? i don’t think? just copious amounts of cute i suppose!! and 1 kiss between jjp for 1 second!!

author: joey

word count: 6.5k

a/n: first of all i’m so sorry…sdfdg…rly tooth rottingly cute tho…mostly a lot of jinyoung babying yugyeom and jaebum giving him a hard time about it…also my nephew is only 3 and i haven’t interacted w a 5 year old in a million years so i don’t rly know what they’re like i did my best!!!!!

Truth be told, having a five year old and an eight year old could be equated to having two highly active, untrained, untamable marmosets.

He never intended to not have children, but the days of being an uncle to his sister’s young children seemed to have left a much different impression on him than he had once thought. His sister’s children had always been well behaved and polite, calm and serious when they needed to be but a little wild when they were allowed. The quieter one between the two of them, it had been the ideal for Jinyoung: marry his high school sweetheart Im Jaebum, get a pretty house in the suburbs, and adopt two boys who would be little carbon copies of themselves. It was the perfect plan and even Jaebum had seemed to agree, despite wanting more kids than that, but he had conceded that two would suit him fine. It would be everything that they had ever dreamed and more.

Funny how life works, isn’t it?

“Appaaaaaaaaa,” Yugyeom whines, dragging out the last syllable in his high pitched voice until it’s practically unbearable. Jinyoung feels two tiny hands pushing at his thigh impatiently: it’s 7 o’clock in the morning and despite being dressed for work already, he barely feels awake. He’s standing in Youngjae’s bedroom doorway, waiting for the older of their two sons to get out of bed and lamenting the fact that he’s not in the kitchen watching his husband make breakfast. Presumably shirtless.

Yugyeom reaches for his bicep, hands up and his arms stretched while he balances precariously on his sock-footed tippy toes. Jinyoung, despite telling him many times that it isn’t going to work, folds his arm into a 90 degree angle anyway and grits his teeth. Yugyeom insists that he’s tall enough to grab onto Appa’s arm and swing from it like a baby monkey, but Jinyoung knows he’s probably still a couple of years out from being able to do it. When he can’t quite reach, fingertips brushing against the material of Jinyoung’s power blue dress shirt, he whines and drops his arms to lean his face against his leg. Jinyoung reaches to ruffle his hair, glancing down and seeing the adorable way Yugyeom’s cheek is smushed against his thigh in defeat.

“Youngjae-yah,” Jinyoung warns, leaning his folded arm down far enough that Yugyeom can latch onto it with both hands. He grunts a little as he lifts him up, ignoring the way his shoulder begs him not to do this as Yugyeom giggles and hangs off his arm. Youngjae, however, seems unperturbed: he remains curled up under his blanket, messy black hair spread across his pillow and eyes squeezed shut against the light.

“Youngjae-yah!” Yugyeom mocks, sing song, planting his feet against Jinyoung’s hip and half standing, half hanging from Jinyoung’s arm. He mumbles a half hearted apology when Jinyoung shoots him a warning look and tries again, “Youngjae hyung!”

One dark eye opens barely a centimeter before it closes quickly, pretending that Jinyoung hadn’t seen it and that he’s still asleep.

He knows he’s not supposed to laugh, so he bites both his lips to hold it back. Them being late to school isn’t funny, per se, but watching his eight year old act like they hadn’t just made eye contact when he’s trying to get him up and dressed is.

“Youngjae-yah, if you don’t get up right now, I’m going to go get Dad.”

Both eyes open this time, blinking sleepily. His heart melts alarmingly fast: the only body part visible is his head, the rest of him covered up by a mound of blankets so that he looks like a little cotton turtle. Youngjae’s staticy black hair fans across the pillowcase decorated with various Pokemon and he wishes more than anything that they could just all stay home and pile up in their bed like they used to.

“Giving him heart eyes like that isn’t going to get him out of bed any faster,” a voice says behind him, and he feels Jaebum disentangling Yugyeom from his arm and hip to throw him over his shoulder. Yugyeom giggles and kicks his socked feet so that both Jaebum and Jinyoung have to lean their faces out of their trajectory.

With a sharp look, Jinyoung glances over his shoulder at Jaebum; despite the teasing smile on his face, Jinyoung is never not awed by his handsomeness and even this makes him soften, too. “I am not giving him heart eyes. You couldn’t even see my face, because you’re behind me.”

Jaebum wraps an arm around his waist and rests his chin on Jinyoung’s shoulder. Yugyeom seems to notice that his parents are being lovey-dovey and screeches eeeeew in an almost perfect imitation of his cousin Bambam.

“I’ve known you since our freshman year of high school. Do I have to be standing in front of you to know that you’re soft-hearted and don’t want to get him out of bed?”

Red faced and embarrassed like they’re still just teenagers, Jinyoung shoves his elbow backward into Jaebum’s bare stomach and grumbles under his breath when his husband just laughs. He half turns, holding his arms out and silently waiting for Jaebum to deposit their five year old wiggle worm into them. He’s still in his jammies and even though it is pretty cute that there’s a picture of Pikachu on each tiny butt cheek, it’s time to get dressed for school. He sighs: he didn’t think having kids, especially two hyperactive ones, would make him such a sap.

He’s not surprised, though, and he’s sure Jaebum isn’t, either.

Regardless, Jaebum smiles at him and dumps Yugyeom across Jinyoung’s outstretched arms. He immediately lets go of his back, almost dropping him until he’s got a good grip on both of his ankles and is holding him upside down. Yugyeom just screams laughter and if that’s not enough to get sleepy-eyed Youngjae out of bed, then he isn’t sure what is.

Jinyoung starts to walk Yugyeom down the hallway on his hands while Jinyoung holds him up by his feet, waiting in the doorway to his room while Jaebum quietly reprimands Youngjae for not getting up when Jinyoung had asked him to. He smiles softly when Youngjae throws off the blanket, sitting up and rubbing his eyes while waving Jaebum off like a tired parent. Jaebum slowly closes the door when he’s sure that Youngjae is up and at ‘em before joining Jinyoung in Yugyeom’s room.

“Breakfast is ready,” he says, folding his arms and leaning in the doorway while Jinyoung rifles through Yugyeom’s closet to find something to wear. The little boy leans on his leg impatiently and whines unintelligibly about God only knows.

“Thanks, honey,” Jinyoung says, finally finding a shirt and yanking it off the hanger. He orders Yugyeom to spin around with a circling motion of his finger while he looks over at his husband still watching them fondly from the doorway. “Yah, stop looking at us like that if you want to get everyone out of the house on time.”

He laughs, holding up his hands defensively before winking at him and leaving the room. Jinyoung rolls his eyes even if he doesn’t see it, helping Yugyeom to take off his pajama shirt and pull on the clean one Jinyoung had picked for him. Down the hall he hears Youngjae’s door open, and both him and Yugyeom glance up to see him heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When Yugyeom’s head swivels back around, he looks much more glum than he had just a few minutes ago. Jinyoung waits until he buttons his pants and pulls on clean socks before scooping him up again; he wonders if he should ask what’s wrong or if it’s just another morning that he’s sad to leave Jinyoung and Jaebum behind. With a sigh too heavy for his little body, Yugyeom wraps his arms around Jinyoung’s neck and leans their heads together, now uncharacteristically silent as they wander into the kitchen for a quick, pre-school breakfast.

As Jaebum is getting the plates down, Youngjae comes into the room and yawns sleepily. He shuffles over to where Jinyoung is sitting in one of the higher chairs at the island and leans his head against his side. “Do I have to go to school today?”

Jaebum raises an eyebrow. “Of course you do. Why don’t you want to?”

He replies miserably, “I want to play Pokemon.”

Jinyoung again has to bite his lips to avoid laughing, and he makes eye contact with Jaebum at the sink where he’s doing the same thing. Both of their faces split in a smile and they look down in unison as to not give themselves away.

“You can play Pokemon after school and after you do your homework,” Jaebum says, much better at dropping the smile, and hands Youngjae a plate. “Maybe we’ll even call Uncle Mark and Uncle Jackson to see if Bambam can come over and play with you.”

This seems to cheer him up, and he brightens considerably. He smiles at both of them, a little checkerboard line of white and black where some of his baby teeth have finally gone. Youngjae takes the plate from Jaebum and steps up on the stool to carefully pick and choose between all of the breakfast items Jaebum had prepared to arrange on his plate. While he does, Jaebum reaches over his head to grab another plate and nods at Yugyeom.

Looking over, he can see that Yugyeom is still quiet and watching Youngjae intently. He’s slumped a little in his chair, lower lip pushed out and corners of his mouth turned down in an exaggerated pout like a humanoid grouper fish. He watches Youngjae as he makes his own plate for breakfast and sighs another little heavy sigh.

“Yugyeom-ah,” Jinyoung says softly, and feels a bit dismayed when Yugyeom doesn’t look at him. “If you ask Dad extra nicely, I think he’ll give you an extra strawberry.”

“Daddy, can I have an extra strawberry, please?” he asks, but it’s lacking in that usual Yugyeom fervor (as in, he didn’t scream it at the top of his lungs, so now neither of them are sure that he meant it) and they exchange a worried glance across the kitchen.

“Sure, kiddo,” Jaebum says, and turns around to pile more strawberries than he would usually get onto a small plate. Jinyoung rubs his back comfortingly and starts to worry about him being under the weather.

The rest of breakfast goes by uneventfully: Youngjae tells them about what they’re doing at school today with his mouth full, which earns him another reprimand from Jaebum; he does so with a grin on his face because he thinks it’s funny when Youngjae does it, despite knowing that Jinyoung thinks it’s rude. Youngjae just laughs and turns red to mumble an apology when Jinyoung shoots Jaebum a glare across the table. Which is, of course, just met with a grin and a kiss blown to him that, much to Youngjae’s amusement, gets pretend karate chopped out of the air. Normally Yugyeom would laugh, too, but he’s barely even picked at his strawberries. Jinyoung frowns.

“Ah, Jinyoungie, the kids’ bus comes soon,” Jaebum says suddenly, pushing up from the table. “Youngjae-yah, take Yugyeom and get your shoes and jackets on. It’s time to go to the bus stop. Hurry, or you’re going to miss it.”

All three of them turn at the same time to look at the clock perched on the kitchen wall right above the stove. Youngjae’s bus comes in ten minutes and though the bus stop is just at the end of their street, Youngjae has a penchant for pulling out his Gameboy and getting distracted. The next couple of minutes are a flurry of activity getting their boys shooed into the front room while they race to pack their lunches and grab their backpacks. By the time Jinyoung is coming back from both of their rooms with their school bags in hand, Jaebum is already waiting with them by the door to help them strap on and get ready to go. The both of them stand side by side on the doorstep and watch their kids run to the bus stop down at the end of the street, in just enough time that Youngjae is pulling Yugyeom by the hand up onto the steps and to their seats.

Left alone now in the silence, Jinyoung leans in to Jaebum’s shoulder and hums when he wraps an arm around his waist. They go back inside once the bus is out of sight, and Jinyoung sits down heavily at the island again with his face in his hand while Jaebum leans on his elbows across from him.

“What’s the matter?”

“Yugyeom seemed unhappy today.”

Jaebum clicks his tongue against his teeth. “Yeah, I noticed that, too. Was he feeling sick? Did he say anything about feeling sick?” Jaebum’s thick eyebrows furrow worriedly. “Should we have kept him home from school?”

“No, I don’t think he’s sick,” Jinyoung says, sighing. He reaches out for comfort and warms a bit when Jaebum takes his hand to run his thumb back and forth across his knuckles. “I think he’s jealous.”

“Jealous?” Jaebum stands up straighter, letting go of Jinyoung’s hand to come around and stand next to him. “Jealous of what?”

“Of Youngjae. Because Youngjae gets to do ‘big boy’ things, and he doesn’t.”

Jinyoung looks up and his heart contracts at the way Jaebum softens exorbitantly. It’s a wonder, Jinyoung thinks, that he could see such a softness in him when in high school he had been, for a long time, all razor edged angles. Dating had melted him a bit, though, and marriage even more so; during their wedding he thinks that Jaebum must have cried more than his mother did. Jinyoung didn’t think that Jaebum getting any softer was possible until they adopted two kids.

The hand that had been rubbing across his knuckles comes up to cup his chin and tilt it further so that Jaebum can kiss him sweetly before leaning away.

“He likes being babied, especially by you. Maybe he was just tired today, huh?”

Jaebum’s curled fingers bump his chin in encouragement before they wrap themselves up in his silky tie and yank suggestively. Jinyoung checks the clock again and is thankful that he’s the boss so that he can make his own work hours, and he lets himself be pulled to his feet by the promise of a good time lined in his husband’s devilish eyes.

“Don’t stress so much, Jinyoungie,” he purrs, “and let’s go back to bed.”

Despite Jaebum’s alluring words of comfort, he worries about it all day.

The hours stretch on in his office as he tries not to think about how sad his son had seemed that morning, even after waking up happy and getting to climb all over Appa like a jungle gym even though he usually doesn’t get to. He wonders when exactly it happened, and if the change had come even sooner before but him and Jaebum had been so preoccupied that they had missed it, because Jaebum was right: Yugyeom adored being babied. He loved getting scooped up and held in either of their arms, leaning his head against theirs when he was tired, or curling up in their laps as they read books, or nestling between them on their bed when he was supposed to be tucked away in his own. He had his moments of independence but for the most part he still adored being treated like the toddler that he is (even though Mark and Jackson think they’re maybe spoiling him a little too much, but hey, Jinyoung and Jaebum both ended up being too soft for their kids) and it bothers him that, somewhere along the way and fairly recently, it had changed without him noticing.

In any case, he’s exhausted from overthinking it by the time he gets home from work. He comes home and braces for the impact of Yugyeom tearing around the corner and careening into his legs screeching at full volume, but the house remains suspiciously quiet. The television is on in the living room and he’s about to get worried when he finally hears the familiar voice of his nephew ribbing Youngjae over video games. Jaebum must be outside with Mark and Jackson, then, so he goes into the kitchen to start dinner.

Their routine continues as usual, even with the minor disruption of Mark and Jackson coming over and bringing Bambam to play with Youngjae. The boys all stay in the living room until dinner time, when Bambam and Youngjae set the table and make their plates while Jinyoung calls Yugyeom to his side to make his for him. Jinyoung is disheartened to see that Yugyeom’s morose mood from earlier that morning has not dissipated, and it continues all throughout dinner. His uncles make an attempt to engage him, but they get quiet, half hearted answers that have all four of the adults sharing worried glances across the table.

After dinner, Jaebum tells Youngjae and Bambam to wash the dishes while the rest of them go into the backyard to sit on the porch and chat a bit. Yugyeom, normally content to sit in Jinyoung’s lap and doze off while they talk with his uncles, insists on sitting in his own chair and complains loudly when Jinyoung tries to pull him up into his lap.

“No, Appa, I don’t want to,” he says, voice raised in a whine, and he pushes Jinyoung’s outstretched hands away roughly.

Jaebum, who sees all of this, makes a noise against his teeth. “Yah! Yugyeomie, you don’t talk to Appa like that. Say you’re sorry.”

Jinyoung’s heart breaks. Even in the fading navy of dusk he can see that Yugyeom’s cheeks are red and his eyes are wet. His little hands curl into fists and he takes a deep breath before muttering an apology. He doesn’t wait for it to be acknowledged, instead spinning around and marching across the patio to climb up into one of the chairs. There must be a look on his face, because he feels Jaebum’s hand slide onto his thigh and search silently for his hand.

The next thirty minutes go by with Jinyoung watching Yugyeom swing his legs in his chair with a heaviness in his chest and Jaebum periodically squeezing his fingers for comfort. Mark and Jackson decide to call it a night; they need to get Bambam home and into the bath before they all watch a movie together, and the rumbling off in the distance gives them a good idea that a rainstorm is coming. Yugyeom leaps off the chair as soon as they stand, racing over to bury his face in Mark’s legs and murmuring something like take me with you.

If anything, it just makes him feel like a bad father. As Mark, Jackson, and Bambam make their way from of the house with Jaebum walking them out, he can’t help but wonder: did he baby Yugyeom too much? Did he actually hate it? It seems a little absurd to assume that a five year old would be smart enough to realize that it makes Jinyoung happy getting to baby him a little bit and therefore just pretending to like it to make him feel better, but nothing is impossible. He watches as Youngjae goes down the hallway to the bathroom of his own accord to start the bath while Jinyoung just sits heavily on the couch with his eyes closed and wonders where he went wrong.

A few minutes later there’s a warm hand on his cheek, and he opens his eyes to see Jaebum leaning over him with a pouty Yugyeom leaning against his leg. “Youngjae’s done with his bath. Do you want me to take Yugyeom, or do you want to do it?”

He blinks rapidly, aware that he had maybe dozed off a little bit, and stands up. “I’ll do it. Go tell Youngjae he has thirty minutes to read or play Pokemon before it’s bedtime.”

With a nod, Jaebum leaves Yugyeom standing in front of Jinyoung with his eyes on the floor. Jinyoung stares at the shock of messy brown hair on the crown of Yugyeom’s head and sighs. “C’mon, kiddo. Bath time.”

A sigh, one that matches his unfairly, follows as Jinyoung leads him to the bathroom.

Following their usual routine, Jinyoung sits next to the tub with his back against the bathroom wall and reads to him from Yugyeom’s favorite book. Yugyeom doesn’t goof around like he normally does; the humid atmosphere of the bathroom is unusually quiet and somber as Yugyeom sits glumly in the warm water and splashes at it listlessly. By the time Jinyoung is instructing him to rinse the soap from his hair and pull the drain plug, he’s so frustrated he’s going to explode.

Yugyeom steps into his Superman undies and just waits as Jinyoung drapes the hooded towel shaped like a bear over his head. Jinyoung crosses his legs and starts to dry his son’s hair as he says,

“Yugyeom-ah. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Appa.”

He stops his hands but keeps them placed protectively on Yugyeom’s head. He turns his face up where it had been tilted toward the ground and looks into his eyes seriously. “Don’t lie to me, Yugyeom-ah. You know it’s bad to lie, right? Especially to Appa and Dad.”

Yugyeom nods and looks like he’s ready to cry. He opens his mouth like he’s going to deny it again, but then his little nose scrunches up and he wails, “It’s just…It’s just not fair!”

Jinyoung is taken aback by the sudden outburst. “What’s not fair?”

“Youngjae hyung gets to do everything by himself and I don’t get to do anything! He gets to pick his school clothes, and make his own plate at breakfast, and, and, take baths by himself, and––” he sniffles, tears starting to flow the more he talks. “I’m not a baby anymore, Appa, I want to do stuff like Youngjae hyung!”

Jinyoung feels stunned. Yugyeom sniffles again and wipes his arm across his eyes while Jinyoung just lets his arms fall into his lap. So he had been right then, in thinking that Yugyeom was getting jealous. It breaks his heart a little more to know that his baby doesn’t seem to want to be his baby any more.

Quietly, Jinyoung keeps his hands folded in his lap and asks,

“Do you want to be able to do stuff alone like Youngjae hyung?”

Another sniffle, bottom lip pushed out. He nods.

“Do you want Dad and Appa to let you do things on your own tomorrow?”

Repeat. Sniffle, pout; a brief hesitation, then a nod.

He sighs. “Okay. Tomorrow, we’ll let you do it on your own.”

The next morning starts off with their new routine: Jinyoung gets dressed while Jaebum sits on the edge of the bed and watches him, finally deciding that he’d had his fill of a morning ogling and goes to start breakfast. Where his morning was normally occupied by Yugyeom, he finds it strangely empty and boring when all he has to do is stick his head in both of their doors to turn on their lights to wake them up.

He joins Jaebum in the kitchen, doing his own sort of ogling while Jaebum cooks in just a tank top. There’s the distinct murmur of both boys in the bathroom, the sink running and the low chatter of their voices as he presumes Youngjae fills in his role and shows Yugyeom how to do things he usually doesn’t do by himself. There’s a slight pang in his chest that maybe Yugyeom really does want to grow up, after all.

The feeling is short lived, though, as a couple of minutes later he hears Youngjae’s loud laughter from down the hall. Yugyeom makes an audible noise of fear and then suddenly he’s coming around the corner with his shirt stuck on his head and halfway on a shoulder.

“Appa,” he cries, obviously frustrated that he can’t pull on a shirt (that is much to small for him now, which would explain why he couldn’t get his head through the hole) and he has to shoot Jaebum a glare when he hears the older male stifle a laugh under his breath. “Appa, I can’t get my shirt on.”

“Big boys don’t need help with their shirts,” he says lightly, but he still reaches down to pull the shirt off Yugyeom’s head. “This is one of your baby shirts. Your big boy shirts are on the other side of your closet. Do you need Appa or Dad to come help you?”

“No,” he says glumly, but he hesitates for a moment like he’s going to say yes.

Jinyoung feels a little triumphant. Just a little.

The next incident comes thirty minutes later, when Yugyeom is trying and failing to tie his own shoes.

He looks up, face red and blowing his long bangs out of his eyes with a defeated huff. “Appa, I can’t tie my shoes.”

“Youngjae hyung can tie his shoes,” he says, and feels a little more validated when Yugyeom looks like he just wants to hold his foot out so that he can do it, instead.

But their kid is determined, because he turns away to Youngjae and asks him to show him how to tie his shoes, too.

After they come home from school and wash up for dinner, Yugyeom slides into his seat at the long oak table while the three of them stand in the kitchen and make their plates. They all sit down with their food and suddenly Yugyeom looks jilted.

“Where’s my dinner?”

Jaebum points at the stool pushed up by the countertop and the empty plate by the pan. “Your plate is right there, Yugyeom-ah. You have to get your own dinner.”

When bath time comes, it’s obvious that Yugyeom is getting frustrated now. After multiple mishaps over the course of the day where he’d needed someone’s help anyway, Jinyoung wonders if he’s getting tired of being told big boys do that by themselves or you can do that on your own, can’t you, Yugyeom-ah? It’s such a departure from his own routine that Jinyoung is amazed he’s not disoriented from it all.

But, even though he’s frustrated, he still doesn’t give up. He helps his brother wash the dishes while Jinyoung snuggles up to Jaebum on the couch. They let the boys watch television with them for a while, before Jaebum is toeing at the back of Youngjae’s head and telling him it’s time to take his bath.

After he goes, Yugyeom looks up over a tiny shoulder at Jinyoung where he’d been sitting on the floor next to Youngjae. “Appa.”

“Hmm?”

He feels Yugyeom’s hand pulling on his pant leg, so he lifts it and looks down at him. “Are you going to start my bath for me?”

“Well, normally big boys start their own baths.”

Jaebum nudges him with his shoulder and laughs in his ear. “He’s only five, Jinyoung-ah.”

True, and it’s not like he was going to let Yugyeom potentially lock himself in the bathroom in a tub full of water by himself, anyway, so he nods in the direction of the bathroom when Youngjae announces that he’s finished. Elated, Yugyeom gets up and sprints to the bathroom for the first time in…well, ever.

Jinyoung sighs, disentangling from Jaebum and standing up to stretch. “He seems happier. I think he likes doing stuff on his own.”

Jaebum laughs. “Are you kidding? He might seem happy, but I can tell he misses getting everything done for him. Just watch the look on his face next time you have to tell him that big boys do that by themselves. It’s hilarious.”

Clicking his tongue against his teeth in annoyance, Jinyoung nudges at Jaebum’s knee with his own but Jaebum just laughs more. “You’re terrible.”

“You love me.”

“Yeah, I do,” he says, and softens.

Jaebum smiles at him, all kissable plump cheeks and handsome edges, and pats his butt. “Go keep an eye on big boy Yugyeom so that we can get them both into bed.”

In a normal continuation of their routine, Jinyoung sits next to the tub with his back against the wall while Yugyeom splashes around in the water. Bath time is more manageable when he lets Yugyeom have fun for a while and despite his insistence upon being a big boy now, he doesn’t get too invested in the idea and still makes cute little action noises with his mouth as he drags toys around in the soapy water. Jinyoung just observes quietly, head leaned against the wall as he watches his son get lost in his imagination. Though the few times he had proved that he wasn’t quite ready to grow up yet, even as Jinyoung watches his sweet, cherubic face he knows that the sand in the hourglass of time is slipping by more quickly with every day. He may want to be a big boy now, but he isn’t quite yet; however, Jinyoung realizes with a little pang that, just like Youngjae, he will be soon. And indeed he misses the time when Youngjae needed him, too. What will he do when neither of his children need him at all?

“Appa,” Yugyeom says, and Jinyoung blinks out of his stupor to see that the water in the tub has calmed with the lack of Yugyeom’s pretending. His dark brown hair curls against his face and his cocoa colored eyes are large in his chubby face.

“Hmm?”

“Are you going to read to me?”

Jinyoung smiles. “I didn’t bring your book with me. And besides, big boys don’t read in the tub.”

“Yes huh,” Yugyeom argues, his lower lip pushed forward in a pout. Water rushes away from him as he lifts his arms to cross them across his chest. “You read all the time in the bath, and you make Dad bring you glasses of that red juice that Dad says is yucky.”

He hadn’t been expecting his five year old to make such an accurate and compelling argument, and he can’t help but laugh a little. Yugyeom’s eyebrows furrow indignantly, so he just reaches for the pitcher on the edge of the tub and dumps it over his head to rinse off the soap. Jinyoung stands and waits with his back turned as Yugyeom grabs his own towel, lifts the bear hood up over his head, and steps up on the stool at the sink to brush his teeth. The entire time he can feel the sigh building up in Yugyeom’s chest: normally Appa or Dad participates in this with him, standing next to him or playfully drying his hair but rubbing the bear towel hard and fast on top of his head while he squeals with laughter. But the bathroom is oddly empty of Yugyeom’s glee now that he has to do it the grown up way.

Jinyoung looks down when Yugyeom tugs on his pant leg. His bear towel has been hung back up, and he’s dressed in the pajamas that Jinyoung had brought for him. Now that his teeth are brushed and his jammies are on, it’s time to go to bed. He looks distantly reluctant to tell Jinyoung that he’s finished.

“Appa, I’m all done.”

“Okay,” Jinyoung says, and he drops to one knee to give Yugyeom a hug. “You have thirty minutes to play Pokemon or read one of your story books before you have to turn off the light. Youngjae is going to come check on you to make sure you’re in bed after the thirty minutes. Okay?”

It is undeniable how satisfying it is that Yugyeom looks disappointed. But he is the child of Jaebum and Jinyoung and he will not show his face so easily, so he just nods and lets his wet bangs fall in front of his eyes before he marches down the hallway and into his bedroom. The house falls into its usual bedtime hush as Jinyoung pads in the opposite direction toward their own room at the end of the hall.

Jaebum is already undressed and laying across their bed with an arm under his head and a book held above his face. He glances over when Jinyoung enters, eyes lingering as Jinyoung strips out of his clothes but going back to his book when he realizes Jinyoung is just going to pull on a shirt and some sleep shorts. He flops down on the bed next to him, head resting on the arm holding the book up over his face to close his eyes.

“So?” Jaebum asks nonchalantly, lifting his head to use his other hand to turn the page and not disturb Jinyoung’s resting. “How’d it go?”

“I can tell he’s getting sick of it. He looked so disappointed when I told him that Youngjae was going to make sure his light was off.”

“You’re not even going to read to him? We even read to Youngjae sometimes still.” Jaebum laughs. “Harsh, babe.”

With a whine Jinyoung digs his fingers into Jaebum’s ribs, which makes him choke on a laugh and drop the book on his face. Jinyoung tries to roll out of the way but he’s in between Jaebum and the wall so once Jaebum pushes the book to the floor there’s nowhere for him to go. He laughs quietly as Jaebum reaches out for him, grabbing his hip and pulling until they’re slightly wrestling and giggling like teenage boys. Jaebum finally wins, both of Jinyoung’s wrists in his hands to stop the tickling and leaning down to softly kiss him on the mouth.

As Jaebum’s tongue parts his lips, distant thunder rumbles and rolls outside the window. Jaebum sighs happily, kissing him again before he drops down to his side and wraps an arm around Jinyoung’s waist.

“He doesn’t like thunderstorms,” Jaebum says, nudging him to turn off the light without saying so out loud. “The forecast said it’s supposed to rain tonight.”

Jinyoung slides back into his arms after sitting up to turn off the lamp by their bedside. From the crack underneath the door Jinyoung can see the illumination of a single bedroom light down the hall that goes dim followed by the soft sound of feet on the carpet. A door closes quietly and the house once more goes still. In the darkness of their room, Jinyoung smiles into Jaebum’s chest.

“He’s a big boy. He can handle it.”

But he can’t.

Sometime in the middle of the night, even Jinyoung is woken up by the echoing crack of a thunderclap close to the mountains. His heart jolts in his chest as he sits up, blinking in the milky, desaturated glow of the moon from their curtains as harsh rain pounds the windows like fists. Jaebum turns restlessly, half awake when Jinyoung sits up in bed. So far the house is quiet underneath the storm, but with how violently it’s raging he knows it won’t last much longer.

As expected, the door to their bedroom opens a few moments later. Yugyeom’s face is already streaked with tears, and more are falling as he rubs his fists into his eyes and makes his way to the foot of their bed.

“Daddy…Appa…” he hiccups, and Jinyoung’s heart bleeds. Though he hadn’t known that a storm would occur tonight, it had been on the cusp of becoming for days. He feels terrible that he had allowed his youngest child to suffer alone in his fear under the guise of letting him keep his pride.

“Yugyeomie…” Jaebum says sleepily, lifting his head and digging the heel of one hand into his eye. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m…” his voice quivers, as though he’s trying with all of his might not to cry but unable to hold it all in. Another crack of thunder makes him jump and utter a little terrified noise. “I’m really scared.”

Jinyoung opens his arms and immediately Yugyeom is climbing onto the bed to bury himself in them. Yugyeom’s soft hair tickles the bottom of his chin as he nestles his head right underneath it, arms wrapped tight around his neck and sniffling away the last of his tears. Jaebum leans up on an elbow to rub his back, singing softly under his breath the same way he had done to both him and Youngjae when they were babies. In the washed out light of the room, Jinyoung rests his cheek on Yugyeom’s head and aims his smile toward the rainy window so that Jaebum can’t see it.

Though Yugyeom had come to them for the comfort, Jinyoung finds that he himself is comforted in the way that his youngest son had still sought him out. He had been afraid that he was being a bad father by babying him a bit more than he should at five years old, but he misses the time that he had been able to do it with Youngjae and he feels as though he is trying desperately to hang to it as long as he can with Yugyeom. If he could freeze them right now, he would never let his babies grow up, and he would keep them all here in this room with him, arrested in this moment forever.

Yugyeom grows more and more tired as Jaebum rubs his back and sings quietly to them. Jinyoung feels the fluttering of his long eyelashes against his throat as his eyes slip closed, and just before he does, another little body is slinking in their doorway to stand meekly in the shadow of the dresser.

“Youngjae-yah,” Jinyoung whispers, still smiling softly. “Are you scared, too?”

He nods, even though he isn’t. Youngjae has always loved the sound of thunder, but he had likely woken up earlier as Jinyoung had and heard his father singing to his brother. Jinyoung lets go of Yugyeom for just a moment to pat the spot between him and Jaebum that opens as he scoots over just a little bit.

When their other son climbs in bed and settles down, Jaebum’s voice gets softer and softer until he falls asleep himself. Youngjae is next, head on Jaebum’s arm and leg thrown over Jinyoung’s thigh. Yugyeom curls up in the space between Youngjae’s hip and Jinyoung’s ribs, growing taller by the day and yet still just small enough to fit perfectly in the dip of Jinyoung’s armpit. His eyelids flutter as he fights sleep, and Jinyoung gently brushes off the hair from his forehead as he mutters one last thing before giving up:

“Appa, I don’t want to be a big boy anymore. Okay?”

He smiles even though he’s the only one who knows it. “Okay, Yugyeomie. You don’t have to be a big boy anymore.”

♡

#got7 #jjproject #jj project #character:jinyoung #character:jb #character:yugyeom #character:youngjae #genre:fluff #genre:au #author:joey

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survivormuxloe · 5 years

Text

Episode 15: “i didnt control this game 4 a goat to win” - Scott

So the reward challenge has been revealed. A little bit nervous tbh. However I do have a plan, I’d probably call Danielle. Because I feel she would have the best read on how the jury is feeling. She has sat there for the longest time. So her views are most likely the views of most people. So having her knowledge of the jury will be useful. First I have to win this challenge which I think I’m capable of winning, so fingers crossed I can win this.

THE CAT IS FINALLY OUT OF THE BAG HOLYYY LMAAAOOAO

i finally got to play it.. it didnt do anything. but. it secured me f4 just incase anything did happen!! LAMJFNFHBG. ugh. i love it tho... everyone takes me to the end i think which makes me lowkey queef LMAOAOAOOA :):)

hope yall r proud of meeeee :flushed:

I MADE FINAL 4. I’m so shocked and happy with myself. I broke my personal placement record and it’s so exciting. Unfortunately though I get to move past a milestone at the expense of losing a close ally. I got past eighth but Jones got eliminated. I get past my record but then Tobi gets idoled out. I’m so depressed but it just makes me want to win for them. I’m hearing that it’s a final 2 but it isn’t confirmed. So now I’m thinking who do I want to be sitting in a final 2 with. None of them honestly, they’ve all played great games. But I especially don’t want to sit next to Ryan. He’s done so well in this game and he made a succesful idol play. It would look like if a genius hacker were to sit next to an enthusiastic toddler.

It sucks cus nobody’s said anything since the vote and I really wanna talk to someone because bitch I’m in the top 4 let’s celebrate. I see Tobi online and its like fuCK I CANT CELEBRATE WITH HIM EITHER CUS HES GONE NOW.

its so hard telling eveeryone that im winning

we have a reward challenge on day 36 so i think that means we have a final 3 yayyyy whew. and the reward is the power call w one juror for 10 mins... which makes me kinda anxious ngl so i'm not even sure if i want to win this... but the challenge is Casanova and that is like one the flash games i'm really good at if i need to be so hmmm I'm wondering if i should beast it or not. i think winning it and having the courage to talk to one of them could be a big boost to my game so like... i'm thinking maybe i should just nut up and go for it hm

So I won reward fuck yeah.

This will give me the chance too see how the jury is thinking at the moment.

But with this immunity I am fuckin scared. Cards being stacked into tower formation. Honestly fuck that. I’ve been practicing and am getting there but I need to do this to make sure I have a chance of winning.

it feels so weird bc theres so little to say in confessionals now LOL!

uhm. just hopin for mo not to win ig. :)

So just had a call win Dani. Apparently I have close to 0% chance at winning. Which tbh I’m surprised about. Mo has the best chance? Idk like I want to believe her but it sounds fishy. I just need to feel out and go with Dani it trust my gut.

Rhys won his third immunity which is intimidating but then again he was only participating against me. Reminder I was trying to set up a card house with a tremor, due to my meds my hands shake. BUT I refused to give up and I’m still proud of myself because I know I did the best that I could.

I think this might be the round I’m eliminated. I hope not but apparently Rhys used his Jury call on Dani and Dani said he had the lowest chance of winning and I had the highest chance. Which first of all, REALLY???? ME???? Like thank you but, what? Second of all I need to play very passive right now in hopes that Rhys will stick with his original plan of voting Scott. Tomorrow it’s going to be me or Scott.

i feel bad for abstaining in the final 4 immunity but hnnng i really cant fux with these live challenges so rip. i feel like there's a good chance the jury looks down on my game bc this is like the 3rd challenge i've sat out of hnnng. but i'm glad Rhys won instead of Mo woo for that. it's seeming like it's gonna be a final 2 after all so womp. according to Mo, Rhys says he's voting for either him or Scott so ig I'm sitting in a good spot... although is it bad i was hoping to get another vote to rack up more than 11 overall? lol whatever so yay. i don't have high hopes of winning this game but regardless i'm happy i was able to survive all this time especially w my bae scott <3

Ok so I have a lot of hope right now. I’ll share the messages I sent Rhys because they’ll explain why I’m hopeful. “I just got some info This vote is either going to end in a fire making challenge between Scott and I or with me going home Cus Ryan just said him and Scott have had a tight Final 2 since the beginning so he can’t vote Scott (If you don’t believe me I’m sure he’ll tell you himself if you ask) So I respect your decision of voting for me if you do but I’d be insanely grateful if I was given the opportunity of a fire making challenge I see it like this. If I get to stay, then it’s us two vs Ryan or Scott because I think both Ryan and Scott have played insanely good games So we would have a higher chance of winning immunity But if it’s Scott, Ryan and you in the final three then it’s 1/3 odds. Where as if I stayed it would be 2/3 and if I somehow miraculously won individual immunity I’d take you to the end. It would be the smartest decision for me after hearing what Dani said But then if you win you can take Ryan with you to the end and I’ll end up 3rd Since Ryan and Scott have their final 2 thing” and Rhys agreed to it so tomorrow is going to be a firemaking challenge between me and Scott.

rhys is actually driving me fucking crazy lol... like. its right to vote me out yes. but his reasoning is so FUCKING DUMB. HE GENIUNELY HAS CONVINCED HIMSELF THAT THE JUROR HE CHOSE TO TALK TO LIED TO HIM. LIKE. RLY BITCH? im not getting 4th off of the back of ur fucking goaty ass losing to mo @ ftc ew lmao..

actually ya im not done like rhys is geniunely losing against anyone left for good reason hes been a goat this entire game and thats the entire fucking tea LAMJFBHFG.

i just dont want mo to win... imagine someone who voted wrong like 7/9 times in merge winning. fucking ew. if i leave ryan better win ftc bc hes the only good winner left if i leave like fr. i didnt control this game 4 a goat to win.. LAMNFNFG just ew ew ew ew ew ew..

im not going down tho america... ill pull every trick out of the bag if i have to. if i gotta lie to get a 2-1-1 vote i will. i aint bothered. id rather get 3rd knowing i was gunna win than fucking 4th. i aint knife!!

So like i Won immunity again which is insane. 3rd immunity.

I’ve been thinking about my call with Dani. I realised that if she telling the truth I have no chance. So might as well assume she is lying and have a chance. So I’m being optimistic.

So taking Scott out is my best choice right now. He may have bad jury management but he had played the best game. So I’m voting with Mo against Scott. Realistically Scott is probably going to win. But that gives me a possible vote on the jury.

I told scott that I’m Voting him as there isn’t any point in lying but he is working to stay. But like he needs to go. I can’t fuck up and have him win immunity. So yeah my game could be a shit show it could be nothing I don’t know. Wish me luck I guess.

I’m like legit so sad rn. I know I’ve had literally no chance at winning this game. So I’ve been optimistic trying to take the best road. Which in my mind is voting Scott out. I told him because he like legit my best friend I’ve made in this game and In a lot of games recently.

Now he hates me and has been really aggressive with trying to get me to stay. Like I’ve told him my reasoning and he just still thinks I’m being stupid. Like yeah I just hate this. Can’t wait for tribal for him to attack me more.

Rhys gettin a lil brave this round after being asleep the whole merge omg. Whatever he heard from Danielle has seriously gone to his head and he's now considering going to the end with Mo ???? i have to laugh... i dont think him tying the vote and making me or Scott firemake is a terrible idea at all, but honey pls dont make me have to vote Mo to win this game flkadsas. It will be such a travesty if Scott and I go out 4th and 3rd god i dont even wanna think about that

god I really didn't expect this jury reward thing to have an actual impact on things??? ugh lol. Rhys a mess PERIODTTTTTT

After a 2-2 vote resulting in a firemaking challenge, Mo loses and gets 4th place.

#royallyyours #episode

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survivormuxloe · 5 years

Text

Episode 14: “It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries” - Mo

AAAAAA AHRRE IS GONE!!! IM IN FINAL 5!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS SO FUCKING EXCITING

its been so nervewracking this entire game holding my idol... not knowing when to play it... being a paranoid mess?? but im legit in f5. here. about to play my idol and show everyone that i had the social + strategical game to be able to NOT ONLY KEEP IT BUT FIND IT. like knowing im in f4 is so fucking validating and ik im not there yet but i'm not pulling a loris and giving myself 5th lol. and even better than that ryan has had his idol from fucking like day 2 and we've been able to keep them in this long and i love him soooooo much hes honestly one of my bestest friends nnnn

i just feel really bad bc ive acted to tobi that im his #1 for so long.. i told him about my idol.. i tricked him into voting ahrre @ 6 so that we could vote ryan at 5 knowing he has the idol like. idk if hes gunna forgive me. LOL ALNFJBFG but its just something i need to prove at ftc ):

i jus treally dont want 3rd again. i dont think i'll get 4th. i just. want a chance to showcase my game bc i'm so fucking proud of it you have no idea like.. i've been with the majority.. i've never voted wrong. ): i've had the social. i've had the strategy. i dont know what more i could possibly do to prove that this is a winning game and the most nervewracking thing is doing a live tribal where idk how the jurors are gonna react bc half of them probably hate me and i'm legit gonna put my heart and soul into speaking my game into like 5 mins and im just scared that the jurors r gonna discredit it like ya i was a cunt alkjfhbfg but i know i played one of the best games here n idk how i'd react on call liek id probably just full on leave.. alkjfnfg

idk this is just a really long confessional bc i needed to get my feelings out there lol im just rly close and itll really suck to go home so close after controllin this game

Okay, so Im here. Yay. I knew I was getting voted and others didnt want to split votes. So im happy Ahrre didnt have an idol. So im wondering now, its final 5... have there been ANY idols?. Have we just been blindsiding them all with their idols? Like what. So I need immunity just incase everyone but me has an idol.

So I feel like I really need to win this challenge. One because its final 5 and Idols. Two because I NEED Tobi to go this round. I brought up the idea to Scott and he said ye, but the conversation quickly ended after that, which scares me tbh. Regardless if I win or not, I am still going for Tobi, I recon he has the greatest chance of winning out of this final 5, so I need him gone. He is also good at immunities which just puts more stress on me making the finale. I think there is a chance I could win against Tobi, but there is a much better chance without him there next to me. Besides this is looking like a final 2 now, which makes my chances of getting to the end, relying on winning immunity

I WON IMMUNITY WOOO. HEHEHE

uhm. so i lost immunity. again. ALNFHBG reoccurring trend...

its cute tho. me and rhys are so similar and i love him sm and i cant wait to get to the end of this game with him hehe. :*

n then me and ryan are idolling and its like :)) yay. love him as well.

feel bad 4 tobi tho rofl

It’s Five Guys Burgers and Fries and APPARENTLY, Tobi and Ryan are targeting eachother which of course I’m like screaming with excitement on the inside because I think I’m going to beat my personal record of 5th. I might even make it to final tribal council, like I know that’s a stretch but IM SO HAPPY.

it's only day 35 huh.... we really have a final 2 HUH...... anyway yay Tobi didn't win immunity so yay we can take him out <3 Scott tells me him and Mo are under the impression i'm leaving but lol they got another thing coming. Rhys is also down to take out Tobi so whew. should be a cute moment at tribal with me n scott playing our idols but we'll see hehe

So it may be a final 3 now that I think about the days idk.

Regardless Tobi needs to go this round. Hardly anyone has started to talk which would scare me, if I didn’t have immunity. If Tobi goes this round I want to take Mo to the end. I know I can beat him then I just have to worry about Scott or Ryan.

i cant wait 2 IDOL!! i sure wont be using it successfully. bc im legit getting no votes NNNNN but. the point is. i'm here 2 stay. lol.

bye bye tobi hope u dont hate me in jury x

im so excited to use my idol and blast tobi out of this game tn.... not that i need the idol to do that exactly, but i'm excited for both hehe. it's kinda weird how this game has ended up unraveling... like, everything has gone my way pretty much and it didn't require all that much effort from me?? does that mean i played poorly omg or is that just how it be sometimes? hm. i can't say i'm 100% confident my game can earn me the win but i definitely feel like i played decently? i'm kinda sad it's probably gonna end up being a final 2 bc i wanted rhys and scott at ftc with me but oh well. i'm confirmed final 4, practically guaranteed a firemaking at least bc i dont think scott will turn on me at all and i wouldnt turn on him, so wig i have really good chances of making final 3 yayyyy. i've been thinking a lot about tribal tonight and what to say when i use the idol... i wanna make it good and impactful and send a message to the jury that hypes up my game a bit hopefully. idk we'll see if my shyness allows me to be extra lfkasd

the two truly vulnerable ppl at tonight's tribal, aka Mo and Tobi, are voting together for me instead of for each other hnnnnn i have to laugh. i think scott been playing them like a fiddle and i'm lowkey hoping they both end up really bitter at him so i can maybe win their jury vote hehe. also ugh i need to rack up at least 3 more votes so i can snatch the most votes crown from Michael... it would look better on me hm. i think i can do it if those 2 really vote me tonight and unless i dont go on an immunity run which... i wouldnt hate either

at this point i really hate luck comps this late into the game... like ugh but what can i do about it... rhys winning is better than ryan winning BUT it wouldve been nicer if me/scott/mo couldve won in case ryan pulls out an idol... we have a lot less flexibility going into tribal

So like scott has been lowkey shady lately BUT idk there really isnt much i can do about it at this point if he's blindsiding me since he has an idol and rhys has immunity soooo like its tea really... i know mo is 100% on board with voting out ryan and he asked scott and scott said ryan as well BUT it could be a lie to mo to cover up a blindside on me and like its highkey annoying that scott is the flip vote this round because he has connections and whatnot but he was also down for taking out ryan and like... taking me out at this point makes no sense because ryan making it far is sooo bad for his game LKHDLKJSA like ryan has been targetted the entire merge and he's still here... bringing that to ftc is so dangerous like i went to ftc once with someone like that... did not end well LMFAOOOO but ya this vote is extremely important and i could either be thriving with this vote or I could be royally fucked

So, tribal is in 30 minuets, Its between Tobi and Ryan? Tobi hadnt approached me about voting Ryan, so it shows I was right about wanting Tobi out. However the fact that he went to Scott over me, shows that Scott is playing a good game aswell. (Or people think me and Ryan are a duo? which ive heard before).

Tobi is voted out 3-2.

#royallyyours #episode

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