AlphaTauri proving once again that there is no material more fundamental to engineering than duct tape

I FEEL SO ICKY AND ANXIOUS im not even sure what to do to calm myself down aughhhh nothing is rly familiar to me here and im not really remembering any coping stuff rn . characterai would fix this Probably but im too paranoid it will somehow get leaked or smth since im on building public wifi,,,,, ik that’s so dumb and probably not possible (if anyone like. Knows please hmu 😁) but im just TWEA KINGGGGGG im such an idiot i don’t even know how to regulate my own emotions and handle disappointment as a whole ass adult

gay little stances. what are you standing like that for

Long Time No See :D !

So... It has honestly been a While(tm), heeheeh :’D! Update time!! Between serious physical health problems, tons of anxiety, and my art uni’s final semester, I didn’t have quite the time to be on here and update as much :’3!! So, ofc, during these couple of months... My “fluffy babies” collection has grown, and is still growing! Here are my most recent buys :’3! ... Since a few months ago, at least! Pic 1 and 2; Fluff Puppy, an antique Silver Platinum fo.x. Pic 3; random bits of fur and tail parts, bought close to my place :’33! They are ordered from the most coarse-feeling, to the softest!! In order, they are; rin.gt.ail racco.on, blonde coyo.te or racco.on (?), two fo.xes, aaaand the last one is either ly.nx or rab.bit... Extra soft tho! Pic 4 and 5; Moon (or Moon-Tongue), a very old Lavender Pastel fo.x :’D! With a very silver / pale tail! I’ve also managed to try my hands at skinning (and tentatively) tanning a taxidermy meat rab.bit pelt (thx to a friend who raises and breeds such critters). However, nothing went my way after I got the pelt skinned, sadly... I couldn’t “turn” the ears that well, plus the thoughts of debone-ing the four paws made me panic. Oof. I don’t want to write down a looong explanation; but long story short, I have decided to take a break from doing complex VC myself, due to health reasons and also so that I can first learn to cope with my chronic anxiety better (that anxiety disorder, being what is stopping my enjoyment of VC as a whole, rn). Sucks a lot, as VC is my biggest Special Interest... But anxiety won that one, for now. I shall be back with some full-blown strength soon, however :’))! Once my physical ailment is dealt with, and once I graduate... I should be able to fully  invest my time in VC, again :’D! ---- Speaking of, I have this long-lasting idea of creating a “Museum of Ranch Fo.xes”, probably an online website, where there would be high-res IRL pictures of all (or as many as possible?) ranch fo.x morphs + anatomical details, all of the morphs’ creations and genetical bg, aaand the history of ranch fo.xes as a whole? Of course, my first idea was to have a physical museum for this, buuut renting space in a building somewhere might be too expensive (or complex) for me to handle :’D ... So!! This is a call, btw!! If anyone wants to help me out - either by taking high-resolution pictures, or writing genetical explanations, of the Ranch Fo.xes morphs that you own - oooor by teaching me how to build a simple (but nice!) website (since I know nothing about coding :’D)... Well, hmu :’)) ! ----

And with that, I’m out! I’m actually getting another pelt home, in less than a week ;’)) Will post this - and more updates - then! If you’ve actually read this whole rambling thing, this far, goosh thank you!! :’)) :’D! - Renard(e) - used to be “Sylv”. Pronouns : iel or they.

First James doesn’t love me anymore and now Aaron? I might have to cope by going thru my klance tag the heart ache is taking iver..... genuinelt so uoset rn. Iykyk don’t HMU.... 💔

I’m not trying to dump my problems on you, but I really need to get this out. I’m 21 and I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m super confused about my sexuality...... idk if I’m asexual/gay/bi/straight or whatever I literally have no clue and I’m scared of people and intimacy and I can’t imagine myself being in love and spending the rest of my life with someone

hey, you’re not dumping your problems on me at all. and it’s really ok not to know! i understand that it’s confusing and painful and there is stability in being able to find an identity that ‘fits’ you, but getting to that point is not fast or easy for most. and while that’s frustrating, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you at all. i promise. even if you do eventually come to some personal conclusions, sexuality is a fluid thing for a lot of people. it’s not always definitive, or like 100% certain. above all, there’s truly no wrong answer or way to feel. if you’ve never been in a relationship then it’s no surprise that you’re unsure about who/what you like, because you have no points of reference. i want to stress that it’s veryyyy normal to be single in early adulthood. i know it seems like literally everyone else in the whole world had some amazing love story in their teens/college years but seriously, it is so so common to be inexperienced at your age. your brain is just making you notice those who are in relationships more because you crave it. but my older sisters has friends who are in the same boat as you and she’s 22. if you want my initial suggestion, i think it’d be a good idea to focus on why you’re so scared of intimacy and love before you focus on who you’re attracted to. because once you’re actively trying to cope with those feelings of doubt and insecurity, you’ll be able to put yourself out there a little more, which may result in the answers you’ve been looking for.  the natural progression of your life may offer a lot of solutions. taking care of yourself and your own mental health must come before love, or looking for it, even though thats way easier said than done…..but remember, there’s no incorrect self. try to block out the world and what it’s telling you you should feel, and go off of whats in your heart. if it’s still just unclear, that’s alright. it just means you’re not ready yet, and there’s truly no rush. anyway, i think your anxiety and the critical way in which you view yourself is stopping you from being able to explore the idea of dating all together. you think everyone sees you the way you see yourself, so you think you must be some unlovable thing….but that’s not true at all. sometimes our minds spin us these false narratives when we’ve been hurt in the past, or when we’re dealing with unacknowledged mental/emotional issues…..your brain is bullying you, and you cant trust everything it tells you. no matter how true it seems. i really believe if you work on getting along with yourself, even if it feels completely ridiculous and fake at first, then the rest will follow. do you think it’s possible that you could talk to a professional about this? (after this pandemic, of course.) it can be anyone, maybe your doctor could refer you to a therapist, or if there’s a counseling service in your area? or a support group for ppl who are struggling? i have a very limited perspective of you, but to me it looks like your low self esteem/ your low self confidence is what’s igniting all of this. you’re scared of people so you can’t even begin to imagine who you’d enjoy spending your life with. but you CAN get help for that. you CAN talk about it and learn how to come to terms with it. you have to believe thats true for you. i get that it’s an extremely daunting idea, and you don’t have to do anything right now. but please keep that thought in the back of your mind no matter how much you want to push it away. you are not alone, and you don’t have to carry the weight of this as if you are. there’s also a lot of info online, lgbt forums/forums of people dealing w self hatred that may be of some comfort, and of course there’s always the option of calling a hotline if you want further advice. you see, you’re not trapped. and you don’t have to have this all worked out any time soon. but if you start making small and healthy changes to the way you treat yourself, then i think that’d be a really great step in the right direction. and more and more growth will spring from it. even if it just looks like complimenting yourself in the mirror, or repeating self affirmations or journaling and giving a voice to your feelings. these techniques aren’t supposed to solve everything, they’re just supposed to help. anyway, i can really really relate to what you’re dealing with, like i literally….i know im bi, but i cant imagine ever letting anyone touch me ever again. i’d just feel bad for them having to look at my face, having to be around me….that’s not healthy though, and i know that if i want connection THAT badly, i’m going to have to work on letting go of those unhealthy mindsets to some extent. even if it takes months, or years. but lets do it together, ok? one day at a time, working with whats in our control. if you need a friend or someone to talk to, dont hesitate to hmu. and i apologize for how long it took me to reply. im sending a lot of love, i hope you and your family are safe/healthy rn 💖

Peter Maximoff- Lose It HC

warnings: angsty, sad pete:(, trashy and unedited writing :( 

requested by:  @libsybum “ ‘look I know this is sappy and cheesy but u know when a character loses control of their power or they’re possessed or w/e and their s/o shouts their name running towards them and then they stop their rampage and let their s/o hug them,, like that’s good shit’ this ☝️ but for Xmens Peter Maximoff 😊 it’s not exactly a Jimmy Darling request but it’s close!”

A/N: I’m going to do this as a HC so that it’s finished quicker bc i feel bad since I got this request last weekend and am just now getting to it:( it’s just i had a really really busy week with school and lax so i’m sorry!:( now that my lax season is over i’ll have a lot more time to write to requests should never take this long again !

-You and Peter had been ‘together’ ish since he busted Dadneto Magneto out of the Pentagon, which was 10 years prior to apocalypse

-since then y’all had definitely fooled around (since you were teenagers) but then became a bit closer, , him even running to pick you up from the school for dates (before he enrolled), and now being in an actual relationship relationship

-when you told him you would be suiting up to face apocalypse he was super super worried about you when you should’ve been worried about him

- “(Y/n), no, you can’t! You haven’t been in a fight like this before, it’s dangerous! You could get hurt!”

- “And when have you been in a fight like this, Pete?”

-that of course, shut him up, because he hadn’t been in a fight this serious before, he didn’t even know his own strength

-when you both flew out to the final battle with mystique, beast, nightcrawler, and some others, you were holding on to each other tight

-after trying to reason with magneto, him and mystique went down to face apocalypse while you were caring for the professor

-apocalypse had him held to the ground, twisting his arm and trying to break his leg

- ‘Come on, Peter, you aren’t dying like this, you aren’t dying yet’ he thought to himself

-You heard Peter let out a scream and the ground began to shake

-You think Apocalypse is hurting him and bringing the world down to pieces, but when you leave the professor’s side to help you see Peter, shaking with such intensity, making objects fall around him

-he was using his speed to run in place, knocking apocalypse over, but he was using too much power, bring several buildings down with it

-with apocalypse pinned, jean, scott, storm, and charles are able to finish him, but peter is still destroying all the shit around him, not able to stop himself

-you run to him, getting blasted back a bit by the force surrounding him

- “Peter! Peter! You have to stop!”

-the buildings keep coming down, he can barely hear anything over the roar of energy surrounding him, but he sees a figure moving in front of him, trying to push through

-you continue yelling, trying desperately to break him free

-he blasts you back again, making you land hard in the dirt, wind knocked out of you and unable to breathe

-it’s as if he knows you’re in danger and he immediately collapses, breathing hard, tears forming from exhaustion and pain

- “y-y/n? a-are you okay?” 

-he crawls towards you, pulling you close, whispering apologizes over and over again

- “i’m so sorry, so sorry, please, i’m so-”

-you hug him back “i’m okay-i’m fine”

-you stay like that for a while, holding each other

- “i didn’t mean to-”

- “it’s okay, pete, you’re okay, i’m okay”

-he still feels so bad like he could’ve really hurt you

-on the flight back he leans up against you, arms still around you

-no one else mentions his little rampage, fearing it might still be a sensitive topic

-you try to tell him over and over again that he’s the reason they beat apocalypse because he knocked him down, but he refuses to believe you

- “peter if you can learn to control whatever you did, you would be so strong”

- “no-no, i’m not doing that ever again, never-”

-he’s too worried about hurting you, but you still explain to him that he could never hurt you

-you stay wrapped up in each other’s arms for the next few days, coping with what happened during the battle

A/N: i’m sorry if this is hella trash, i realized about half way through i switched to present tense but whatever :/ , also it was kind of hard to think of an idea of peter going on a rampage since he pretty much only has super speed so i tried, please don’t roast me

also i’m starting a tag list so hmu if you want to be one it ! rn it only has one person lol

@chocolatealmondmilkshake

update for yall. basically this afternoon has been me finally responding to everyone I haven’t replied to in the past month of self isolation repeatedly saying sorry like a dumb ass bich hoping no one hates me for it lmao my life like most months lately been like this n I’m so over myself for it but for the one millionth time im sorry for going MIA n appearing dead on like every social media platform n in general life... drug withdrawal n mental illness n shit is hard n im tryna deal w things the best i can without going totally insane and to put it super bluntly - necking myself. so i do what i gotta do n i feel bad for that which in turn actually makes things worse but u kno. i kinda only kno certain ways to cope n those r the things i immediately turn to to survive thru these bad periods. i do wish i was better at that n im asking to go back to see psych for those reasons its just v expensive so i had to stop for about 1.5 years. im only better again cuz i got my drugs back n saw my doctor so that is why im being active again n no longer feel so fucking sick n dark minded. so hi. she’s back for the time being. hopefully don’t use them all up n screw myself over again so i can be PERMANENTLY back yuuurddd. feeling much better tho n doing my best to get back to myself rn. be patient w me i promise im doin my very best tho. welcome to hmu whenever u need! im always down to talk about shit. im sorry im sorry im sorry.

RULES  &  REGULATIONS

THIS  IS  JUST  AN  INTRO   RULES  ARE  BELOW  IF  YOU  DON’T  WANNA  READ: <33  (   short  version  is  my  name  is  estelle  &  i  have  a  lot  of  life  happening  rn.    )  

greetings !! i  am  estelle  previously  know  as  miss  cally  carlyle  !   so  here  we  go  we  are  gonna  outline  a  few  rules  below.   imma  make  them  as  short  as  i  can  since  this  is  dash  only  for  the  time  being  ! 

i am  in  the  pst  timezone  of  vancouver  canada !   i  am  currently  in school  to  become  a  community  mental  health  &  addictions  worker  !  i  am  really hype.   i  am  in  class  5  days  a  week  &  generally  have  lots  of  hw  to  do  or  i  am  doing  other  things.  i  get  drained  super  easily  &  am  dealing  with  a  lot  of  mental  health  issues  rn  so  i  ask  ya’ll  to  be  patient  with  me  ! 

i  am  venturing  back  into  the  ouat  fandom  as  a sort  of  test,  i  miss it  so  i’m  starting  with  driz  here  to  see  how  i  can  cope  !  eventually  i  wanna  write  some  other  babies  again  but  we  start  with  driz  for now ! 

basic rules here are:

be  patient  with  me   in  terms  of  replies,   i  have  lots  of  stuff  going  on  &  have  a  main  active  muse  over  at  @ashesincaptivity  i  also  may  be  over  on @vokava    mutuals  are  welcome  to  my  discord  account  &  my  ic  kik  if  they  so  desire  !  just  ask  me  in  the  ims ! 

mutuals  only  !!!!!   cannot  stress  this  enough.  disregard  this  &  you  will be  soft  blocked.  if  it  persists  i  am  blocking  you. 

i  am  canon  divergent  so  not  everything  you  see  here  will  be  what  you  might  be  expecting   if  nothing  is  too  your  liking  feel  free  to  unfollow  no  hard  feelings  ! 

i  format  my  replied  but  you  don’t  have  too  !

all  icons  are  mine  unless  otherwise  stated.  psds, borders  &  other  such  things  are  not  my  own.

I  LOVE  LOVE  LOVE  SHIPPING  !  my  girl  driz  here  is a  hella  hella  closeted  lesbian,  so  she  may  come  off  as  aro  but  i  assure  you  she  is  not  !  she  is  a  demi-romantic  &  a  demi-sexual  lesbian  !  .  i  am open  to  any  ships  just  hmu  &  lets  talk  !  i  have  a  soft  spot  for  alice x driz  at  the  moment  though !  *no regina &  driz  shipping  though, prefer  family  things  with  them.     above  all though  chemistry  is  key  both  ic  & ooc.  do  not  force  ship !!  its  not  nice  to  me  or  driz.  

DON’T  GODMOD  it  ain’t  cool  fam

i  do  lots  of  different  styles  open  to  para,  text  convos  &  small  icons  things.  &  i  love  continuing  memes,  just  move  it  to  a  new  thread  please.

this  blog  is  gonna be  fun  stress  free  &  chill  (  no   dragging  me  into  drama  i’ll block  you  with  no  hesitation ) .  i  may  frequently  drop  things  here  &  start  clean  but  that  doesn’t  mean  i  don’t  wanna  thread  !  always  open  for  new  stuffs.   

if  you  read  all  that  ilu  <3   &  i  look  forward  to  writing  with  you ! 

do you ever get this nauseous feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach thinking about the future and how alone you are and probably always will be? it’s so bad lately and i can’t make the feeling go away. i tried tinder lol but even there all the conversations feel so empty. i just can’t connect with anyone. i don’t know how other people seem to make friends and lovers so easily. it never happens for me. life could be beautiful if only i had someone to be myself with. it hurts so bad

yes, always, all the time.....i haven't really found a solution unfortunately. 😔 though it is my understanding that our perception of the future is often wildly inaccurate, as it is rooted in what we fear (i.e constant loneliness). since we're afraid of it we're more inclined to believe that it's waiting for us. especially if its been prominent in our lives so far.....really we have no way of knowing. maybe the self hating part of you will insist that you understand what's coming, that not finding connection is likely or even inevitable. but you're biased against yourself so it's not a trustworthy judgement. you know? ive also noticed that my solid sense of self has really disappeared since ive been alone, and so all issues pertaining to me and who i am, kind of slip away.... it's hard when you don't have anyone to remind you you're real. it jolts violently between painful and numbing. it's ok to be sad about it, to cry when you need to, to let it be what it is. you don't have to make the feeling go away, you just have to try not to hold onto it. try not to let it dictate your actions and what you bring into actual reality. you're more than this moment and your current self perception. isolation really does a number on the mind and the emotional landscape, so cut yourself some slack in that regard. honestly...... i think periods of solitude are way more common than people want to admit. i know it seems like everyone's got their group and that you're some sort of outlier, but circumstance dictates so much. we lose touch with others, or we grow beyond the relationship, or we just never get the chance to meet the right people at the right time....it's not a personal failing on your part. it's not because you're undeserving of love and friendship. you have to remember that part and live like you believe it. it's just that substantial bonds are difficult to find as an adult or as you're growing up. your brain will always try to twist this and bully you with it like a petulant child, like a 'haha loser' sort of thing (at least mine does) but that's a very narrow understanding of a much broader issue. i guess it's true that not everyone you meet is supposed to be a life changing figure in your existence as a human. i guess it's true that shallow relationships are unavoidable. but you're allowed to be frustrated and you're allowed to want more for yourself, especially if that eventually spurs you into actively seeking what you crave.....even just keeping the channel open and working on your own self confidence enables you to connect with others in an easier way. anyway here are some small coping mechanisms that have somewhat helped me even if they feel dumb:

1. trying to treating myself like a friend and prioritizing self care. it's too exhausting if you don't.

2. being around animals.

3. writing about how you're feeling, making it tangible. and reading. people in the past felt like this, too.

4. time spent alone is still time spent with the world, you still belong.

5. taking the time to see your situation from multiple points of view.

6. talking to a professional or a family member. even if you don't necessarily want to. maybe they won't get it fully, but just saying it out loud is something.

it's a good sign that you want to put yourself out there to any extent and you should try to keep at it. getting discouraged is natural but it doesn't last. ideas like volunteering, looking into support groups in your area, joining internet communities, even just getting to a public place like a library and being amongst the crowd.....it all adds up and keeps you in the present. finding people w common ground like a hobby is important, too. maybe it seems like a stupid or vague idea but there's always communal activities or events to check out. nerves are just a part of it. seriously, where you're at right now is definitely just a stepping stone in your life, nowhere near the final picture. as you get a job and expand your horizons/find your niche, you're going to engage with loads of experiences n people you can't even conceive of rn. and i totally get why you find it hard to believe. but it's not impossible to think that change is in store at some point, especially when you consider how much it's already occurred in your lifetime, right? i believe in you and im rooting for you to find a sustainable support network, even if it's a process or it takes time. you're not as alone in this as it seems. and it's not your fault no matter what narrative your sadness is telling you. take it one day at a time. and try to focus on what you can actually tend to in this moment. that's what ive been doing. anyway im sending a lot of love to you and please feel free to hmu if you need someone 💌

urgent!!! I FEEL SO LONELY MY CHEST HURTS AND IM CRYING. I CANT EVEN TELL ANYBODY EVEN THE CLOSEST PERSON TO ME BC I DONT WANT TO INFECT THEM WITH SADNESS BC I WANT TO THE BE KIND OF PERSON WHO RADIATES HAPPINESS BUT IM JUST NOT IM ALWAYS SAD AND I AM JUST NOT THAT KIND. I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY AND CONTENTED WITH WHO AND WHAT I HAVE BUT IM JUST NOT. I LITERALLY FEEL LIKE IM NOTHING, I FEEL SO WORTHLESS AND THAT I DONT DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND IM SO HUNGRY FOR LOVE

hey babeyyyy. i'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with this rn and like i can't tell you how much i relate but still i,,,, can't imagine the extent of your specific type of pain god :(( i got your other message and yeah PLEASE let's just fucking drink wine together and scream at the universe for being so unforgiving and unfair. :(( it sucks because i know there's nothing i can say to change your core beliefs but i am eternally proud of you for getting through these episodes and for managing to get by on a day to day basis. it's not easy and you deserve all the credit in the universe, dude. listen not to be dramatic but self hatred is literally a position that morphs every situation into something it's not. i know all the bad things you think about yourself seem like 100% fact, like there's no room for argument or alternative thought, but that truly is the trick of the sadness. i am telling you straight up from a perspective that is not biased by your own negative emotions: you are not unlovable. just because you're alone right now doesn't mean you always will be, and it is not a measurement of your worth as a person. it is totally okay to lose it and to cry and to feel overwhelmed at times, but it is not okay to hurt yourself (in any way) because of it. there is a line and you WILL learn to walk it if you give yourself the chance and the tools to do so. i promise that these concepts DO apply to you and you are not an exception to happiness and positive improvement just because you're current perspective is clouded by how hurt you are. you don't have to believe me at the moment, but please allow it to be something you consider when you're in a calmer frame of mind. that alone is good enough. those small choices do matter.

i totally get what you mean when you say it feels like you're infecting others with your sadness. sometimes i feel like my very presence does that. and you're allowed to feel that way, but you must try to simultaneously recognise that emotional vulnerability usually only strengthens the relationship you have with those around you. it's a way to let love in, the love you're looking for. maybe it's not romantic love but that's just one faucet of tenderness. yeah it's embarrassing but you must examine why you feel guilty over simply having a spectrum of human emotion. and you'd do the same for those you care about, right? leaning on each other is a good thing, it is so so necessary. the give and take is what makes things work. i'm not saying you have to go spilling your secrets to everyone. i'm saying it's ok to admit that you're struggling, as you have to me. even if you have to fucking force the words out. give those around you the opportunity to be a true friend to you. this seems like a very deeply rooted issue and, to be honest, if you haven't done so already i would also ask you to consider maybe talking to a professional about it if you can. i know your brains immediate response will be to shut the idea down, but you gotta see that that's just another tactic that will perpetuate the painful cycle. it can be your doctor, a counselor, even a mental health hotline it you don't know where to start. it may be that you need to reevaulte your self perception and face up to why you feel so scared and upset. a professional will be able to offer you specialized advice, show you how to cope in a healthier way when these emotions do arise, and show you how to question the anxieties so you see how illogical they are. seriously, if this is impacting your happiness and overall well being then there is nothing wrong with needing a more intensive form of support. i can't stress enough that your mental health is just as important and complex as your physical health and you do not have to try and confront it all on your own. sometimes medical assistance is needed, and that is fine. that's just reality. i get that it probably doesn't feel like a viable and realistic option for you at the moment. but please just let the idea linger. it's completely normal to be afraid, to not want to do it. but breaking these patterns starts with choosing to do something different, something for the better. no matter how much your brain rejects it.

that's just a thought though. no pressure, no commitment yet. for now, all you have to do is take a breath. give yourself a moment. allow your mind to go blank for a few seconds. you're here and you're going to be alright. i genuinely believe this is a stepping stone in your life and not a trap or a permanent destination. all of the things you desperately long for are nestled in the future. maybe not where you expect them to be, but there nonetheless. life really does only make sense backwards, and you must give yourself the time to live out the solutions to your problems, angel. it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking your circumstances dictate your significance but they don't. others truly don't see you the way you see yourself and someday someone is going to prove that to you. you'll be hugged, you'll be cherished. and the lack of something in your life is NOT an indicator that you don't deserve it. you do, you always will. it is so normal/human to crave companionship and a true connection, but that want does not determine your whole life. again, i know you don't believe me at the minute. but have a little trust in your older self. no matter how dramatically awful it all seems to you right now, there is a balance. and you will adapt to it, especially if you attempt to. i really hope you're okay and that you try your hardest to accept the rationality instead of the self loathing. you may not be able to every time but just giving it a go will make a difference. i'm sending so much love to you and i am really always here if you need a friend or someone to talk to, ok? hmu anytime.

Do you know anything about psychosis?

i don’t have any firsthand experience with it so i don’t feel super qualified to talk about the subject of it, you know? but if you suspect that you’re experiencing it then i would really urge you to seek medical attention if that’s an option, because there are lot of ways that it can be helped and dealt with. professionals can offer a lot in terms of medication, therapy and general coping mechanisms that can genuinely improve the quality of your life. they’ll also be able to tell you exactly what you’re dealing with and why, which may help you overcome it eventually. in addition to that, telling someone you trust (a sibling, a parent, a friend) what’s going on is a good step in the right direction, bc having that support can really make a big difference. they’re not going to judge you or blame you for it - this is a serious mental health issue and it can happy to anybody. it’s okay to rely on those around you. seriously, you’re not alone n you don’t have to handle it alone. i get that it’s scary and awkward and upsetting, but it’s the best way to get the care that you need. that’s what it comes down to. i know it’s a lot easier said than done, and obviously i don’t know the details of your situation, but please please keep in mind that what you’re going through rn isn’t necessarily permanent and it’s not going to last forever. it seems hard to believe when you feel so out of touch with your own mind, but you are more than strong enough to get through it and there is always always always a way forward, i mean it. since i don’t know much about this, i’m going to leave some links that might be able to offer more than i can. please check them out. whatevers going on, i’m proud of you for dealing with it day by day and i know that you’re going to be okay. you can endure so much more than you think you can. i’m always here if you need a friend or someone to talk to, and i’m sorry i couldn’t offer more help. hmu if you need to chat !!

http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/workbook/dealing-with-psychosis-a-toolkit-for-moving-forward-with-your-life

https://headspace.org.au/young-people/understanding-psychosis-for-young-people/

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/psychosis/self-care-for-psychosis/#.Wg6gxGi0PIU

https://www.get.gg/psychosis.htm

https://au.reachout.com/articles/what-is-psychosis

https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/0329/ways-to-get-cheap-mental-health-care.aspx

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/psychosis/treatment-and-support/#.Wg6ho2i0PIU

if i want to be sad/depressed right now which is sorta odd but idc but do i let myself get into the state which is addictive its a love hate thing bc its the only thing that keeps me company ig. You think i should let myself do what it wants to do rn or fight it and just not do literally anything and feel numb YES THIS PROBABLY DOESNT MAKE PERFECT SENSE BUT IVE HAD NO SLEEP BUT I STILL FEEL I NEED ADVICE ON THIS

first of all, you need to get some rest when you can because your mind is just going to keep going round in circles if you don't. you'll feel at least a little better after you wake up, i promise. second of all, i think a lot of people can relate to finding comfort in their own sadness/depression, it's actually a pretty common problem. but that really doesn't mean you should just allow it to continue, you know? there's a balance that you need to find, because you deserve a lot more than just what you're giving yourself right now. there are other things way to keep yourself company, there are other ways to feel like you're not alone. i know this isn't what you want to hear and you probably won't do it until you feel 100% ready to, but i'd really recommend talking to someone about this if you haven't already and if it's an option for you. even if you just start off with a family member or a trusted friend, and then move on to a professional such as a therapist or a counselor in time. it seems to me like you're using your own sadness as a coping mechanism because it's what you're used to, it's your comfort zone - but it really doesn't have to be, not if you work at it and make the conscious effort to change that mindset through proper techniques such as consistent therapy, learning healthier coping mechanisms etc. you genuinely have a lot more options than your brain is leading you to believe. this isn't a hopeless situation and there is a way through it, seriously. you just have to force yourself to take that first step, even if your mind is telling you not to. i get that it's a lot easier said than done, but when it comes down to it, you're really not going to feel like this for the rest of your life. every negative emotion and thought you have is temporary, even if it feels so real and heavy and permanent. you're only human, and it's okay to not know what to do next and to be confused and afraid and upset. just take it one day at a time, and deal with it as it comes.anyway, the point i'm trying to make is that you are the only person that can bring yourself back from the brink of this. you have a certain amount of control over the situation, and yeah there are some aspects of it that are out of your hands but you can still do what's right for you and speak to somebody. i'm not saying it's instantly going to make things better or anything, but it's honestly a good place to start. even if you can't see a doctor, there are separate mental health organizations that you can get in touch with that will offer you support and advice. you're clearly in a lot of pain and emotional turmoil right now, and i'm really sorry that you're dealing with it because i know it's not easy, but you're a lot stronger than you think you are and you will get through it, even if it feels impossible. i know it all sounds like such bullshit, but it's not. when it comes to mental health, i think a lot of people don't take it as seriously as their physical health but it's really just as important, and if you need help then you shouldn't prevent yourself from getting it. don't hold yourself back for no reason, make yourself a priority in your own life. i'm going to leave a few links that might help you in the meanwhile, but i hope you feel better soon and i hope you know that you're not alone. i'm always here if you need to talk, just hmu :)https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201403/5-powerful-strategies-get-you-out-ruthttps://www.everydayhealth.com/hs/major-depression/ask-for-help/https://lonerwolf.com/highly-sensitive-people-emotional-snowballing/http://www.theredheadriter.com/2012/04/2-ways-to-be-calm-and-peaceful-holding-it-together-in-the-midst-of-turmoil/http://www.michaelgregoryii.com/2014/12/escape-comfort-depression/

(2/2) freeze dried strawberry (don't ask, it was a museum thing). i'm not completely sure how i feel, because part of me hates the fact that the calories are HUGE but another part of me tries to reason, saying that, well, you're just getting back on track, it's ok if you eat it, treat yourself!! your calorie limit is huuge, so don't worry!! i just. i needed to get that off my chest. i don't really have anybody to rant to about this and you seem to be nice and understanding, so, thank you

aw man, this is why being stuck in that binging/starving cycle is not only super dangerous and toxic, but it also simply doesn't work. if you want to lose weight (tho if ur already at a healthy weight you rly don't need to) then thats fine, but the only way to keep it off is through balanced healthy meals and exercise. there's no short cut. anything else is just hurting your body, and you deserve a lot more than that. i understand that when you're in that mindset, when your thoughts are being controlled by a disorder, it's almost impossible to ignore. it consumes you in a way that a lot of people don't understand. it becomes your whole life, and that's when it becomes a problem. idk if you have an ED but from what you told me it sounds like you're showing a lot of the symptoms. it's a real illness, and it's doing real damage to you both physically and emotionally. ik you didn't want a lecture and i'm sorry but mental disorders should be taken just as seriously a physical ones, and you should really think about seeking help for it. even if your mind is screaming at you not to, there are people that can and will get you through this if you ask them too. whether it's a parent, a teacher, the school counsellor. just consider letting someone know. and hey, even if that's not an option for you rn, there's ED hotlines that are genuinely helpful that can give you advice, coping mechanisms, tips on what to do next. letting this escalate is definitely not your only option, even if it feels like it is. i know you don't want things to be like this, i know you're tired of caring so much about cals and food and your weight. it's not your fault that you're going through this and you're definitely not alone in the things you've experienced. there are people that have been through this, and they found the strength to talk to someone and they survived it. i know you can too, i believe in you. and you can rant to me whenever you need to. don't keep it bottled up. look, you can endure so much more than you think you can. this is something you can get passed. this is temporary. hmu if you need someone to talk to. i'll be here.