Chatango feels like a fever dream that only I experienced

do you ever think about how you're probably someone else's "last online"? because i do. i do a lot

i am formally asking resistance and demonstrative organisations to stop using zoom for meetings regarding direct action

add me on chatango x3 my username is carriettawhite :3

knowing your partner can potentially make writing together a lot easier.

– BASICS.

♡ NAME: helvetica

♡ PRONOUNS: he/him

♡  SEXUALITY: lesbian™

♡  TAKEN OR SINGLE: ✌🏾

– THREE FACTS.

♡ i've had approximately two (2) individuals pay me more than once because they liked my writing. ( 〃 ．．) it wasn't on this site. but it was fairly recent. and i'm always dumbfounded looking back at it. ♡ i've aspired to be an animator. idk how possible that is now, dark ages for artists. but i'll try. i'd like to be strong enough to pursue digital artistry. at least. this is where the cool artist friends i've met here and knew for a while come in. ♡ i think a lot of you are super fuggin cool. and are really inspirational and comedic. idk how possible it is to know everyone but i'd love to.

– EXPERIENCE.

♡   HOW LONG (MONTHS / YEARS?): 10-11 years on this site. i'm prone to sticking to muses for maybe a year to 4-5 years, it depends. :}

♡   PLATFORMS YOU’VE USED: facebook, chatango, tumblr, discord.

♡   BEST EXPERIENCE: i really like tumblr's way of rp and connecting. faulty platform aside, i've met a lot of memorable people. i have some on my twitter even though we don't write anymore, i still love seeing them. and i am fortunate enough to run into old friends again on here. sometimes we even run into the same fandom without realizing.

– MUSE PREFERENCES.

♡   FEMALE OR MALE: males ... it's usually the funky ones i'm stuck with. or the beautifully intimidating ones.

♡  FLUFF, ANGST OR SMUT: hopeless romantic. but i like all 3. since one of you said all 3 make a good story in a thread, i haven't looked at this question the same.... it's true... it makes a nice balance.

♡   PLOTS OR MEMES: both. i rely on neither but i'll partake in both. if my partner has a preference, i'll work with it. easier for me lol.

♡   LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: a fine medium. it'll progress as replies keep going. pls don't make them too short, it leaves me reaching :{ and frying my own brain lol.

♡   BEST TIME TO WRITE: when i go back to work, nights (dead late nights). but now, it flows steadily.

♡ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S): yea. lol. :} natural big-hearted whores.

TAGGING: @girlishgiggle, @gctchell, @vanaglcria, @ladiesofhell, @lcftcult, @prnkill, @videoaux, @k1ttyb0t, @clwngasm, @edenpoise, @spyderdust, @pridetempt, @arachnaemboss, @xluciifer, @queenhells, @helluvaflames, @hazbintales, @damnedrainbows, @discoinfernos, @chthonicrage, @yukikorogashi, @l-ucitiel, @r-adio, @pridefell, @infernalight, @filejpg, @voxistem, @helldustedstories, @fizeroli, @fizziifrxg, @the-delightful-temptation, @houseofasmodeus, @bloominghands, @spiderslvts, @outforlve i kinda wanna tag everyone not wanting anyone left out. lol. steal this if you feel comfortable answering these, i wanna know.

insane to think the chat group i used when i was 12 is still online. chatango still exists. every other year someone goes back and leaves a message. i'm only in contact with one of them anymore but funny.

My twitter got suspended. Years of interaction, headcanons, undocumented WIPs, etc... gone. I hope this brings peace to that ugly little divorced baby called Elon Musk, as well as people who can't accept my insufferably loud existence.

I added a chatbox on my blog page for non-tumblr guests who might want to say something about my art from twitter but can't anymore. The temporary username seems to be only usable once (the next options are to sign up/log in to Chatango) so don't bother impersonating other people.

Shark Infested Waters

I consider myself a fairly quiet person who has an aversion to conflict. But at a point in my life, being on edge and getting into conflict was all I'd ever known. I once had a friend. A dearly beloved friend. A friend whom I was willing to give the world for. A friend I was glad to have by my side, because I believed I had no one else. Because I thought I had no other choice. It was either him, or no one. And I didn't want to be friends with no one. I didn't want to be alone. No matter how much I deluded myself into thinking I could be fine alone. And yet. It was with this so-called friend I had never truly been more alone my entire life.

While the years have long passed by and I am busy juggling much more important, adulthood manners, I keep finding my mental state fixated on this point of time in my life. This time in my life in which I was a young high schooler who just wanted friends, but struggled to find solace among my peers. So naturally, like the huge ass loser I was, I turned to the internet. And it was in my countless days of lurking about the internet and slipping into spaces I probably had no real reason ever being on, with people coming and going in my life, I met him. FutureDiarist, SharkDiaries, SharkYGO, whatever the ever-loving FUCK this dude goes by nowadays. Skylar is his name. And having a friend like him? Who needs enemies?

I had written about him once before on a past blog. Through some… Shenanigans, shall we say, that post had been lost to time. Not even trying to access the post through the waybackmachine yields feasible results. But like the scars in my memory, I hadn't forgotten to keep a backup. Do I have horrible coping mechanisms for my anxiety and trauma? Probably. But I don't want to be quiet about this. Not anymore. For how much Skylar and his current boyfriend may want to "leave things behind", it's not so easy for me nor any of the others who have been hurt. For as long as this keeps haunting me, I'll haunt back.

Every now and again I find myself relapsing, after going so long just living like a half-normal functioning adult, my mental health takes a nose dive. Everything's going nice and dandy, but then suddenly, it hits me. And whenever thinking about Skylar is at the forefront of my stress, I can't help but wonder how lucky and how stupid I must be. When I am reminded of him, I just spiral into a smoldering rage. It just keeps coming back, no matter how many times I block his accounts, mute things even related to his interests that trigger those memories, the anger just keeps coming back. The pain of having someone I thought was my one and only friend in a hostile cruel world when he was perhaps the worst person I could have possibly had as a friend.

I was just a lonely high-schooler willing to spend time with anyone who would be with me. He took advantage of my naivety and loneliness. I was so blind to his methods of manipulation, as an impressionable, desperate kid who longed for somebody to connect with. And connect we did. Roleplaying, video games, just chatting. It was probably early 2011, maybe earlier. While a bit standoffish and childish at times, Skylar was still someone I considered my closest friend. We roleplayed on chatango, roleplayed on tumblr, chatted over Skype. However, things were a bit… Off. He was clingy, sure. A little too overbearing at times. But what took things too far was how passive aggressive he was. How he, whether he realized it or not, demanded all my attention.

With regards to roleplay, he would occasionally pivot to questions of a sexually charged nature. Being the dumb young teen I was, there were times I fed right into it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, just the thrill of sharing another common interest with my supposed friend. But there were times where he was very guilt-trippy about it. Like I owed him something. Like it wasn't something we just did every now and then for the fun of it, but something he deserved, something I had to provide at his beck and call. And when I didn't give him his way? Or if there were times I was too busy to even respond within a timely manner? He would turn on a dime and berate me in ways most vile. Acting like I was ghosting him intentionally and threatening to harm himself just to get my attention… Or egging me on to enable my suic-dal ideation. He knew I struggled with thoughts of self h-rm and suic-de and ENCOURAGED me to go through with it. I had come so close to pulling through with it, too. He really messed me up. He shattered my trust with just about anyone following that time. I still shudder thinking that I applied to the same college he was attending at the time, and wonder if I would even still be alive if I had gone through with it.

As if it wasn't bad enough, this man, Skylar liked creating sock puppet accounts. By the dozen. Hundreds, maybe. Who knows? He'd put on a persona and pretend it was someone else, but hindsight is 20/20. It's so painfully obvious that he pretends to be other people, it's so obvious that he pretends to stage anonymous hate mail being sent his way, it's so painfully clear that he tries every which way to paint himself out to be the victim, because he can't fathom the idea of having genuine friendships built off of trust rather than lies and deceit. I recall one time, when my tumblr RP phase was hitting hard, he accidentally sent me a message logged into the wrong account.

Skylar flipped out, when this account I wasn't even sure was him, turned out to be him on an alt. He repeatedly insisted I delete the post and speak of it to nobody. Because yeah. I'm sure he'd want to sweep that one under the rug, when that same account he'd use to harass other users in that community circle of roleplay could be tied back to him. He'd also probably like for me to forget about the time he needled and prodded me for some fanfiction between his self insert character and some League of Legends character. Or how often he roleplays. With himself. On different accounts. And I'm sure he'd like for me to forget when he even claimed one of his sock puppet accounts died of cancer. Or how his sock puppet accounts on skype were conveniently not logged in at the same time until I showed him a video tutorial to have multiple Skype clients open at once.

I'd love to log back into my skype account and skim through the chat logs for some real bangers of shitty behavior he's pulled through, or even the chatango logs, but I can only imagine they're lost to time and at some point it's not even worth the agony anymore. I don't even have my laptop from back then on hand anymore.

And now as I look into myself and the person I've grown up to be since those days in my high school years I just can't help but shake the feeling that I am no better than he is, that I'm more like him than I realize, that I'm not a good person either. And I strive every day to be the best me I can be and shake off my horrific attitude. I know I'm no saint, I know I've had my moments of being a downright prick, but I keep having these nagging thoughts that I'm just like him that I deserved him with every selfish bone of my body, that being the puppet under his control was the universe's way of punishing me for being just as vile deep down to my core. And when I think I've taken back control of my life and he has no hold over my feelings anymore it just keeps burning and burning until I turn green in the face from nausea. The pain just isn't going away.

He wants to move on so bad yet he hasn't truly held himself accountable nor shown any real sign of changing.

So Skylar, keep complaining about your past catching up to you. Keep complaining about your bans or account deletions on wherever you crawled into. I'm so sorry you couldn't afford an ounce of human decency to your dear friend. And I'm so sorry I got into drawing art AFTER we were friends. I'm sure you would have loved taking advantage of that just as much as you enjoyed taking advantage of other artists. How you'd love to beg for free art but then in the same breath decry those who get close to artists for free art. I'm quite sorry indeed. He can speak in fruitful platitudes about how he wants to leave the past behind but he can't ever truly change because his behavior shows me he feels no remorse for what he has done, simply that he has no more direct control of those he's victimized. But in a way, he still has a less direct control with how I can't let go of the pain that haunts me. How because of him, I'm less trustful of everyone I call a friend. Because of him, I feel like I have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. Because of him, I feel guilty of wanting to spend time with those I care with. Because of him, I am constantly reminded that I am not as smart as I believed I was.

Trying to add me on discord after I made my first "callout post" and then trying to befriend me when I told him to his face I despised him, that sure was amusing at the time. I'm pretty sure he deleted that account by now. But he sure is a piece of work for thinking I would ever forget what he's done. If I were to ever forgive him, it wouldn't be for his sake, but my own. I'm still hurting from all this, after all. I still struggle at night with believing that I'm not good enough, that I deserve everything wrong going on. But no. He's truly, beyond toxic. An abuser through and through.

All the people I've seen, saying that they too went through some shit because of him, only makes me regret not saying anything in the first place. Especially while everything was fresh in my mind, and not just tear-stained memories of a friendship that could have been. I'm in a much better place now than ever, even if I do struggle sometimes. Skylar once said that he was so tired of my self-pity that he would beat the shit out of me until I smiled. Well, now I can smile without that childish threat looming over my head.

I do not condone encouraging anyone to inflict self h-rm upon themselves. It's beyond despicable. Harassing Skylar is no better than the bullshit he's inflicted upon myself and many others. It would take some kind of miracle for this grown manchild to truly realize how rotten he had been and make a change for the better. Because he never has, and likely never will.

It's up to you to determine if you think I'm a trustworthy narrator. If you're reading this far, you either scrolled all the way to the end to get some tl;dr on this bullshit, or you might be humoring the idea that I have something worthwhile to say. I'm really just venting and rambling in circles about my thoughts in the passing years since burning bridges.

If you could relive any memory of your past, what would it be?

The days my friends and I used to speak on Chatango. That was pretty fun.

🍓🧩

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 

Logical next step of the anime rp forum I spent too much time on when I was like 10. Some of the people who also spent too much time in the chatango chat box linked their works and I went wowie i can write about characters that already exist? Like this was news to me and I, an anime rper, didn't already know that.

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

If a work doesn't paragraph break when a new person is talking. I just can't do it! My mental illness makes reading impossible unless there's paragraph breaks. I can handle no quotation marks, I can handle using things other than quotation marks to signify talking, I can handle all that! But if there's not a new paragraph I get confused!

I also haven't really been able to do first person lately but that's a thing that comes and goes.

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍.

— BASICS! ♡

NAME: marina

PRONOUNS: she/her

ZODIAC SIGN: cancer

TAKEN OR SINGLE: chronically single

— THREE FACTS! ♡

ummmmm i have two dogs, one is named hairy pawter (i got him when i was REALLY into hp) and the other one is named misty

i’ve worked at starbucks for six years......... i can make every drink with my eyes closed and have the worst carpal tunnel because of the job but tbh i love it

i have 11 tattoos, all of which i started getting only two years ago.  my right arm is all horror stuff and im starting on my left arm which is going to be Beauty and art

— EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED: .......so i started off on this website called Chatango, then uhhh i think skype after that??  now i’m just on discord and on here

PLOTTING / WINGING IT / MEMES: i looooooove plotting more than i love actually writing.  i can plot/chat about our muses for hours on end.  winging it is cool too!  i tend to do that more with discord rps or small banter stuff.  and i fuckin love sending memes and receiving them even tho i overwhelm myself greatly with all the memes in my inbox LMAO

— MUSE PREFERENCE! ♡

GENDER: tbh i’ve written an equal amount of men and women so

MULTI OR SINGLE: uh for myself i like to do single muse blogs but i LOVE multi muse blogs

LEAST FAVOURITE FACECLAIM(S): ummmm whoever is a really horrible person honestly

— FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡

FLUFF: i like fluff but it does get boring for me pretty quickly,  and also,  michael isn’t a huge like...  affection person,  so yeah

ANGST: angst is my absolute favorite thing of all time and michael is GREAT for painful things.  i want to write angst and drama all the time

SMUT: ummmmm im ashamed over how much i love smut LMAO.....  i really enjoy talking abt smut things more than i like writing actual nasty threads but yeah....... 10/10

Tagged by:  @ask-the-boogeyman

tagging:  @ you <3

🎮, 🐶, ✍️

🐶 — any pets?

I have ummmm 8? or 9 cats. i'm bad at math and remembering things sorry

here's some highlights

this one is patch and he's stupid but we love him anyway. thinks he's 2 pounds but is at least 20

this one is apple and she's the newest, shes a crechur

this one is smokey anf i love him with every fiber of my being

✍️ — what other platforms have you roleplayed on?

deviantart, skype, chatango, facebook, discord

How did you come up with your username?

On one hand, I really enjoyed shades of red, like pink and stuff. And I was probably hungry, I think...? And I thought Tomatoes Were Neat and also varying shades of red.

While for a time, I wanted to go by RosesInSpring because Contestshipping, that username was taken in many spaces. And I may have lost access to my Yahoo email.

I wanna say I first started using the username either on a chatango window on one of those anime sites... or GaiaOnline. Most likely, the latter.

How are u going on, u are just a shit who should be thrown to sewerage system, as well as your Chatango fellas and your stinky tumblr account.

Imagine getting this mad over a website and chat room. 😂🤡

GET TO KNOW THE AUTHOR

NAME: Sera/Seraphina

PRONOUNS: She/her

PREFERENCE OF COMMUNICATION: Tumblr IMs, or Discord if you have my Discord. I don't give out my discord openly, only to those I chat regularly with on Tumblr. You're welcome to ask, but understand that I may say no until a later date when I feel comfortable doing so.

NAME OF YOUR MOST ACTIVE MUSE(S): Ashley (at virmireisms) & Katrina (on this blog). I'm also relatively active on Miranda (solheimisms) and Alisa (furyisms) as well. I check all 4 blogs regularly, usually a few times a day, but I check from Ashley's most often (and usually only hop over to the other blogs to either do replies or send memes directly from their blogs).

EXPERIENCE/HOW LONG (MONTHS/YEARS?): I've been roleplaying since 2006 or so, so I've got well over 15 years. However, I have only been on tumblr since late 2021 or so, specifically in the Mass Effect fandom since February 2022.

PLATFORMS YOU'VE USED: Email, Userplane/Cbox/Chatango (yeeeears ago), forums, Twitter (and I will never go back), and Tumblr. I've also dabbled in D&D a bit, though I haven't played in years (only played 3.5 and 5e, and my last experiences were... unpleasant to say the least, so I'm hesitant to play again unless it's with IRL friends).

BEST EXPERIENCE: Honestly? Joining Tumblr. That's not to say I haven't met a few unpleasant people (who hasn't?) but for the most part, it feels good to have my creativity respected and given the love it deserves. I felt like on other platforms a lot of that was dying out, but it seems in general on Tumblr people actually love that kind of thing. It's refreshing. It feels amazing to have people that I can talk to regularly about our muses and just have fun with.

RP PET PEEVES/DEALBREAKERS: Multiple spacing on replies (around punctuation to separate it a little is fine, but every word is a no-go) because it causes me eyestrain. Tiny icons (same reason tbh). Excessively formatted replies (it's distracting to me/detracts from the writing). Also, people who don't fill out my interest tracker, especially if I fill out THEIRS. I don't mind if you take the time to interact with me and don't fill it out (& some people have it listed in their rules that they don't and that's fine) but my blogs aren't follow-for-follow. I want to interact if I follow. I assume you've read my rules, & if you don't fill it out, you've chosen to ignore my rules, and that is a problem. You're certainly not obligated to interact with all of my blogs, but at least one of them.

FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT: All of the above. I'd say it goes in the order of angst (I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort tbh), smut, and fluff. However, I like there being kind of a mix of things, like a sort of ebb and flow; I can't handle just straight, constant angst; there needs to be breakpoints in the thread to make it flow more naturally, because if there's just too much of one thing, it becomes repetitive and boring.

PLOTS OR MEMES: Both. If we're writing muses from the same verse and/or you have a Mass Effect AU, then memes are great, but if you don't have one/don't know a lot I do prefer plots just to hash something out and have something to work with, and then we can go from there. I like having a general idea of how our muses know each other or would interact to work from for sending memes so that we're kind of on the same page.

LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: Medium to long. Short replies (1-2 lines) I find very difficult to reply to because there's so little to work with. Medium (2-3 paragraphs average, I'd say) is fine to me, though I'll admit I prefer long. As long as it's within 2-5 paragraphs, that's honestly my comfort zone. I tend to reply to longer threads faster than I do short threads.

BEST TIME TO WRITE: Late at night. I'm a night owl, so I'm that person who'll crank out a bunch of things into the queue in a 2-3 hour timespan from like... 9pm to 12am. Sometimes I can get up early and do a few, but late at night is where I thrive.

ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSE(S)?: Not really. My muses are influenced/like me in small ways, like... Ashley's favourite flower is dahlias because I really like dahlias, she likes yogurt parfaits because I like yogurt parfaits, but it's generally small things like that which I can relate to. Personality-wise, no, they're not like me.

TAGGED BY: @pessimistics TAGGING: @frstwomn @wcsea @diewithaname @inadxquacy & anyone who'd like to steal!