#cause i don't get paid while I'm taking time to heal
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Pick a Card: Where is Your F/S?
Choose a photo that calls to you and the cards will tell you a message.
As always, this is just for fun. Do not take anything seriously or above legal or medical advice.
If your interested in personal tarot readings and want to support me, check out my Paid Readings!
Masterlist
1 - 3
Images are not mine
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Pile 1
Channeled Messages: "Fly high , little one. Fly high," empty, ducks in a row, distracted, just can't get it right
Okay, this is good energy here. Where are they? They are partying. Some sort of gathering or celebration. Something that's giving them a lot of inspiration. I'm almost feeling like this celebration isn't necessarily for them, but it's kick starting them to fulfill something on their own. It's kind of opening their eyes to something they haven't seen before and it's making them feel free from something they were struggling with in the past. This idea could lead them to make a hell of a lot more money, or maybe this celebration is due to them making more money and now they feel more comfortable and stable to pursue something they've been thinking about for a while. Wherever they're at, they're feeling a sense of joy, success, and youthfulness that they haven't felt in a while.
Pile 2
Channeled Messages: indented, stopping to think, CONTEMPLATIVE, mirror image, butterfly, spoon, shiver/cold
I had to stop and brainstorm a few times before doing this reading, so your person might be very in their head right now, for better or worse. Okay, we got all cards in reverse, so it's probably for worse. They are stuck somewhere. Hopefully not literally. I keep seeing a picture of a room. Maybe they're in 'hermit mode' right now, which is funny since I didn't actually pull that card. However, instead of working on themselves and healing like the hermit typically intends, maybe they're just hiding away in fear; spiraling with thought after thought about something. It's healthy to allow yourself to feel or to need time away every now and then, but I'm seeing they have definitely overextended their stay. The cards are saying 'its time to go now'. I'm seeing a shaded, quiet room with empty bottles and candy wrappers. I'm hearing they may have spent the past few months in a constant state of alertness which caused them a ton of stress which explains why they've been hiding away, just to get a break. Sorry, to end on a sad note, but they're having a really hard time getting their energy back right now.
Note: It took me a while to shake off the energy of this pile, and immediately upon starting pile 3 I felt this huge weight lift off my head. Pile 2, your f/s is likely in a really dark place rn, I'm sorry.
Pile 3
Channeled Messages: Easy by The Commodores, sweet, light & giddy
I'm not feeling an overall negative energy here right off the bat, however the cards are suggesting that your f/s may feel very insecure right now. I think they're in a place that is blocking their creativity or feminine energy. They might be surrounded by people that are pushing them around, unbeknownst to them, and this is subconsciously making them feel insecure and unsure about themselves. I'm picking up a lot of feminine energy from this pile, which doesn't mean your f/s is necessarily a woman or anything. Maybe they're surrounded by a lot of women, but I don't think in a romantic way. I'm feeling that a woman close to them is really getting in their head and influencing them in a negative way. All in all your f/s has very good energy, I think they're a very kind and sweet person, but at the moment they aren't surrounded by those that have the best intentions.
#love tarot#tarot#tarot cards#tarot reading#channeled message#intuitive readings#valentines day#valentines#love reading#pac#pac reading#pick a card#pick an image
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Thoughts on Jon Snow as a character? He's my fav so far
I like him!
He didn't start out as a character I felt especially drawn to. I mostly pitied him, especially in ASOS, and he's very dour if that surface level dramatic melancholia and dry resignation isn't your cup of tea. I never hated him, but... he was just sort of there. And every projection for his future plot I found while casually perusing the fandom was bland. Secret Targ, okay. What's the point of that, then? Connecting the Wall plot to the dragons? Grand Tragic Secret Heir and Grand Dramatic Dragon Queen Do Grand Dramatic Tragic Destiny stuff dramatically? Zzzzzzzzz.
After delving into the theory of Jonsa, I obviously engaged more with the character, and I have grown very fond of him. Lots is lurking under the surface that I had never paid attention to in depth.
And what I find the most crucial is that his story is at its heart so small and domestic and emotional. It's relatable for being ordinary at its heart. It's about healing and reconciling after a burdened childhood, finding out what you really want and discovering you can have it. Not in grand gesture but in self-worth and honesty.
The most engaging and the absolute hinge of his characterization is his attachment to his family, his home, and the North. Being a bastard prevents him from living this out and creates The Obstacle he chafes against. It causes him to strike out looking for Importance in adventure and glory, and he fails. And learns. But it is ultimately that deep love and attachment that truly guides him in everything he does. And that makes him actually extremely interesting as a character, because it shifts his arc away from being about Magic and Apocalyptic Drama as some abstract excuse for heroics, toward that of inner conflict. It's a small, very relatable story about longing for home, playing out on a big canvas for background. All Jon does during his adventures away from home, his frustration struggling with his compassion, his understanding of the world being wittled down to questions of basic ethics, it's all based on his understanding of himself as a Stark, serving the duties and values of a member of House Stark. To belong to his family and himself in his own heart, if he cannot belong otherwise. And it highlights why those popular speculations about him are so bland. They don't touch his core. Dragons? What do they have to do with House Stark and Winterfell and his pack? Nothing. They, too, ultimately represent an Obstacle between himself and his deepest desire of truly belonging in his home without reservation, by removing his paternal connection.
Except, it's replaced by the maternal connection. One that matters just as much. That has been nagging at him all this time. It actually cements his identity, rather than dismantling it. Not shameful burden but valued and protected. This, too, takes Jon out of the realm of Bland Male Heroics (Rhaegar's special destiny boy) toward a story of inner healing and equilibrium. It's self-acceptance. Very human. Very ordinary. Very powerful.
And as a special twist - and this is why Jonsa is so brilliant as a theory - his parentage is also the key to actually granting him those impossible secret wishes of replicating his childhood the right way through his own marriage and family. But only if he is worthy of this through his actions and choices, worthy of being loved and recognized as a metaphorical prince. He get's to be a fairytale princess, essentially, raised from humility to fulfillment. Because of who he is. Who he has chosen to be again and again, because of his fundamental love. Everything else, the heroics, the missteps and recoveries, is just window dressing. Exciting ways to tell a simple story.
His story doesn't work with a tragic ending of repeated exile. It's all building toward balance and peace. It's extremely moving.
I'm a big fan.
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Seeing someone discuss curses reminded me of something I was curious to ask you. If you choose to answer this, thank you very much, but obviously I understand if you do not wish to or don't have an answer to give.
Unfortunately, I'm in a situation where another practitioner has wronged me pretty severely. I feel that I cannot wait for other forms of justice to take place (if that would ever happen to begin with). I don't want to mention what this person has done to me, but please rest assured I have good reason for wanting to curse or hex them.
The problem comes with the fact that they are a practitioner as well. While I have curse protections and spiritual protections in place, I fear what would happen if I wear to curse or hex them. I think a hex is probably the less intense option, but either option leaves me open to the possibility of being countered obviously.
I suppose my question is this: do you have any suggestions for cursing or hexing someone who is a fellow practitioner? I have been told it's best to avoid it at all costs because it can turn into a back and forth war of one person firing magic at the other in some cases.
If it helps to give context about my situation specifically, I was hoping to cast an empathy curse or "feel the pain you've caused me" curse. I hope to have it end when the person has learned their lesson, so it's not a spell that would (hopefully) be lifelong or anything of the sort.
Thank you for reading this very long ask, and thank you for being so willing to share your knowledge with others. You have been an immense help to me personally, and the way you view magic has helped me consider perspectives I would not have otherwise. I hope you are well.
Hi, Anon. I've been thinking on this since you sent it.
And my maybe-not-great and definitely-not-fun answer is that I'm not sure there is any such thing as malicious magic without consequences.
In the way I work things, even if the hex doesn't 'go too far' and even if it never splashes back on you, it's not an action without consequences.
That's kind of the deal about living in a causal universe, right?
The trip I'm kind of on lately, and probably will come up more for me soon, is that all magic is sacrifice. People tend to not like that word, which I get. But I like it exactly because it is a little uncomfortable.
So what do people sacrifice to pull off malefic magic? Maybe they sacrifice a feeling of safety and trade it for the knowledge that the practitioner-target may retaliate. Or perhaps you literally pay in your future safety, if you anger the wrong people.
I think one aspect of this is being realistic. How great are the risks to you, really? Because when you sit at the shadowy Table of Art and the guillotine falls, you're not going to be able to tell what was really paid until the head rolls into the light.
Although that is a tiny bit dramatic. But I'm also feeling dramatic. So.
So on one hand we have to say, what is really the worst case scenario here?
Like, I'm not really that vindictive, magically speaking. But I think you sent me this ask because you saw someone asking about how to make a lifelong unbreakable curse, so we all know how vindictive some people can be.
Some kinds of magic really have very little risk. And in fact with some foresight, you can more or less stack the chopping block with exactly what you want to spend.
And, my friend, it seems like you've come up to the possibility that the debt you could incur is "this other person hurting me worse, on purpose, maybe for a long time."
And maybe we could mitigate that with a "less serious" kind of magic that would maybe fly under the radar or so on.
And dang, isn't this starting to feel like a lottttt of time and energy focused on someone who hurt you really badly?
As someone who's cast an "empathy curse," as you've put it, I can attest that making someone learn their lesson is absolutely not the same thing as healing over the incident and growing. You do not need someone else to change before you are allowed to heal, and healing will not happen just because someone else has grown.
Because it a tiny bit sounds like to me that not only has this person severely wronged you, but now you are continuously sacrificing your time and energy because you want them to learn, and grow, and change, in ways that are about you.
As Mr. Witchblogger, my answer is, all magic takes sacrifice. Analyze your situation and make an informed decision. You may be risking very much, but that is your choice.
But if you were my friend and you came over and we had some tea, I'd tell you not to. I'd tell you that this plan of action is probably not good for you, because if it's justice you want, AKA asserting fairness,
then channeling the pain you feel into personal growth and healing to elevate you to a new, stronger, and happier place is ALSO justice. Would it not be very fair for you to be lifted up and elevated to great heights?
And better than the "fuck the other guy" kind of justice, it actually benefits you, as opposed to a sense of poetic justice that doesn't pay the bills.
Also:
A hex or curse to cause someone to "learn their lesson" may not manifest for months or years, which would probably lead you to keep focused on this person in the long term to see whether or not they've changed, which sounds terrible.
You can obtain magical closure through multitude other techniques which do not involve risking the ire of another practitioner. (try the Walking the Corridor technique from Weaving Fate by Aidan Wachter)
Because casting a spell is not necessarily going to make you feel better, at all. It's probably not going to stop you from thinking about them. It's probably going to make it worse, because you're still actively developing the situation on your end and giving yourself more content to think on and ruminate over.
Because you shouldn't make yourself be the "therapist friend spellcaster" to someone who hurt you just so they can understand what they did.
Still, if you feel it must be done, do what you think is best. My best recommendation in that situation is to establish a lot of mirror wards, and to expect that if they are a serious practitioner, there is a decent chance your attacks simply won't land.
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𝑳𝑶𝑽𝑬 𝑶𝑵 𝑨𝑰𝑹! - hueningkai × fem reader
𝑺𝒀𝑵𝑶𝑷𝑺𝑰𝑺: When Y/N and her eccentric friends decide to host the 'Love On Air' podcast, they think they can heal the heartaches of all HYBE Uni students. But when love begins to bubble up behind the scenes, Y/N finds herself at the center of a messed up love triangle. While she tries to save broken hearts, a shy student, Hueningkai, does everything to win her heart. With clumsy dating advice, accidental encounters and a chaotic podcast, will love triumph or end up in a hilarious mess?
"Tune in with us guys, cause Love is On Air!"
TAGLIST (open, send ask or comment to be added) @full-sunnies @unh0ly-dr3am3r @enhacolor @mackjestic @beabeanice @beoms-sugar
previous • masterlist • next
comercial break: Sector 17
WARNING: mentions of bully1ng, intimidation and duress, read at your own risk
previously in this shitty mess...
Still walking and looking around the halls, Danielle paid attention to everything happening on campus. As a Journalism student, she has the innate talent of always finding news, no matter where she is, but unlike Beomgyu, she rejects sensationalism and seeks facts directly from the source, which is why among the most influential university students, she is one of the most underestimated. Today she planned to go on with her usual routine: have lunch, collect reports, write a review and publish it in HYBE Uni Gazette: the online newsletter for students, but when she saw Yunjin sitting in the HYBE Uni canteen and enjoying her lunch in the company of Minghao, Jeonghan and Seungcheol, she sat on a bench far from them and wrote down everything they did on her cell phone. The four friends were in high spirits, exchanging friendly conversations about their courses and future plans.
"So, Yunjin, how are the Fashion Design classes going? Learning to create the next trends?"
"Of course, Jeonghan! I'm loving every moment of the course. I think it's amazing how we can use creativity to transform ideas into unique pieces of clothing. And using them to bring people together is even more rewarding! And you, Seungcheol, how are you doing? coming out in Political Science?"
"I'm doing well. It's not as exciting as keeping up with the latest fashion trends, but I enjoy learning about current political relationships and how they influence the way we relate to each other in society."
Jeonghan pretended to be bored with his hyung's subject sketching a mocking yawn and asked, "Sorry hyung, were you saying something?"
"Nevermind, it was nothing."
"Don't listen to him, hyung. I'm happy that you're doing great! As a born leader, I'm sure youll be able to achieve many good things."
"Thanks, Minghao."
Although the mood among the group was friendly at that moment, one person was missing from that table, so it didn't take long for them to notice who was missing.
"So, is your boyfriend usually late for appointments?"
"No, Minghao, that’s odd. Jisoo was always so one-off." Seungcheol respondeu
"I hope he didn't get lost. It would be a shame if he had suddenly forgotten how to walk in the halls in 3 months of studying here." Jeonghan mocked
But luckily, Jisoo managed to make it to the agreed table before the break time ended.
"Hi guys! Hi princess." he said giving Yunjin a quick peck on the lips, sitting down on the bench next
"Finally! A little more time away and your lunch would get cold!"
"Where the hell were you?!"
"Sorry hyungs, I got distracted on the way here."
"Got distracted with what?"
"I was on my way to meet you guys, but I got distracted by a freshman girl playing on the court and… oh!" Jisoo glanced at Y/N who was passing by them and waved "There she is! Hi!"
Y/N absentmindedly responded with a shy wave, but when she remembered who greeted her and who was next to him, she sprinted to avoid them seeing her face that blushed at just hearing his voice.
"What the fuck is wrong with this girl?” asked Jeonghan
“Who’s the fuck is that girl?” Seungcheol followed
“Why the fuck do you all care about this girl?” Yunjin rolled her eyes
“Calm down, guys, one question at a time! First things first, that’s Y/N.”
“Who?”
“Who Beomgyu couldn't stop talking these past few days.”
“Oh…” the chinese man and his 95z’s friends talked in unison
“That's so much talk, Y/N?” mocked Jeonghan: “The way he talked about her so much I thought she was a goddess, but no, she's not as interesting as I thought.”
“I couldn’t say less.” Yunjin nodded
“But I think you guys are all wrong!”
“Really, Shua-hyung?” Minghao teased by arching his eyebrow “What do you know about her?”
“Well, her name is Y/N, she’s Love On Air’s host and…”
“Is this all you know?”
“Yeah, Seungcheol-hyung.” the american sighed
“Go easy with my baby, oppa.” the american-korean protested “He just heard some silly gossip and was curious to find out the truth, isn't he?"
“Yeah…” he stuttered. “That's right.”
“See? You all are making a fuss over a little irrelevant thing when I have something so interesting to tell you.”
“Then say it!”
“Well Jeonghan-oppa. My brand Fearless will soon be showing the Spring-Summer collection and this week a branch of the Huh boutique will open in Sector 17!”
“Hun, this is great news!”
"We're proud of you!"
“Thanks guys! I've dreamed of these days since I enrolled. With your help I'm sure they will come true."
"You're gonna invite us to the fashion show, aren't you?"
"Of course I will, Jeonghan! All my boyfriend's and Fearless' male visual friends are my friends too."
Disgusted by the poor staging of the "HYBE Uni diva", the aspiring journalist left her desk and continued to look elsewhere for stories. Until, next to the Linguistics course room, she found Junhui and Hansol talking together, so she heard their dialogue from afar, behind a pillar and wrote down the details.
"Tell me, why did you call me?"
"It's complicated… dilemma, Jun-hyung. A friend of mine from New York texted me that he's thinking about coming out."
"That's good news! What's wrong with that?"
"It turns out that he and his boyfriend are both anxious and fearful. My friend's father-in-law is extremely religious. He fears they'll throw him out of the house after he introduces him to their parents."
"Man, that's punk!" Junhui exclaimed, scratching the back of his head. "I can even help you, but think with me, you have a freshman in Linguistics who literally created a podcast to address love issues, right?"
"That Y/N, hyung? How can I know if her podcast is credible if her image was tarnished by Beomgyu?"
"What does it cost to give her a chance? This Y/N could be better than that gossip made her out to be."
Jackpot! That was the story Danielle needed! However, she was too personal to post it in the gazette, but she knew that the Canadian was in need of a helping hand on her podcast, so the Australian promptly got out of her pillar and walked towards the duo, but to gain their trust, she decided to resort to something she abhors in her future profession: lies.
"Hello." she bowed to greet her colleagues
"Who are you?" questioned Jun
"I'm Danielle, from the Journalism class."
"Nice to meet you. Need something from us?
"Not yet. I heard about your case, Hansol-oppa and I can help you with that."
"How… How long have you been listening?
"I've heard enough, but if you want, I won't tell anyone but Y/N herself."
"Do you work on her podcast?”
"No, Junhui-oppa, but I know her. I can push the matter a little further, but if you want to help your friend, you must talk to her one way or another, Hansol."
"I’ll… I’ll try. Thanks Danielle"
⊹⊱•••《 💗 》•••⊰⊹
In the busy hallway, Y/N walked excitedly with her books in hand, looking forward to the class that was about to start. Suddenly, she came across Yunjin, who was accompanied by her boyfriend. Her eyes lit up at the sight of them together, for although she doesn't know how or why, she is developing feelings for the Californian.
Yunjin caught the fledgling's gaze and decided to tease her a bit. She let out a giggle as she approached her colleague.
"Well, if it isn’t the campus’ new popstar herself! Kim Y/N, right? Isn’t Jisoo the prettiest? she asked with a malicious smile
Jisoo, who also noticed the Canadian's presence, smiled and waved sympathetically and headed to his class.
"I don’t know, I think he’s cute."
"I know. We're both perfect together, so I assume you don't stand a chance with him, do you?"
Yunjin walked slowly towards Y/N and kept her mischievous smile on, until the girl's back collided with a cold wall in the corridor. The Canadian blushed slightly and swallowed hard. She knew the Korean-American woman was joking, but she couldn't help but feel uncomfortable with the comment.
"How can I know if we barely know each other?"
"Fine. But if I were you, I would stay away from MY boyfriend! He's the sweetest, richest, most influential man in Sector 17, and you?” she snorted “You're nothing more than a deluded freshman with a failed podcast. So if you're as smart as everyone says you are, darling, stay as far away from him as possible, because a freak like you will only bring misfortune to his life."
Yunjin's words cut like knives through Y/N's chest, hitting her squarely. She felt tears forming in her eyes, but she didn't want Yunjin to see her weakness. She quickly turned and ran to a more secluded corner of the hall.
She found a quiet spot and slumped against the wall. Tears finally escaped her eyes, and she sobbed softly, feeling an ache deep in her heart. She asked herself if Yunjin was right, if it was really impossible for her to have any chance with Jisoo.
"Why does it hurt so much? I should just forget about it like Yunjin said... But why is it so hard?" she muttered to herself
She let the tears flow freely, allowing herself to feel the sadness that consumed her. She needed this moment to release her emotions before moving on with her daily routine.
As tears rolled down her cheeks, she promised herself that she would not allow Yunjin's words to completely affect her. She stood up with determination, wiping her tears and taking a deep breath.
"I'll get through this. I deserve someone who truly loves me. I'm going to focus on myself and growing up. I can figure out how I feel about him whenever I want, but right now I have my whole future ahead of me."
With that new resolve, she wiped away the remaining tears and headed towards her class. She knew that there would still be difficult times ahead, but she was ready to face them with courage and self-confidence.
⊹⊱•••《 💗 》•••⊰⊹
Yunjin was emotional as she walked towards the "Universe Factory", the creative nickname Jihoon uses to refer to his studio in Sector 17. She held a tablet with the demo of her song in her hands, ready to be heard. Anxiety mingled with anticipation as she knew that Jihoon was a talented producer and could put the perfect spin on the song she had in mind for Fearless' Spring-Summer campaign.
Upon reaching the studio, she knocked softly on the door and walked in with a beaming smile. Jihoon was concentrating, working on his computer with headphones in his ears. He looked up and smiled when he saw her.
"Yunjin-ah! What a pleasant surprise! What brings you here?"
"They are so excited to demo the song I wrote for the Spring-Summer collection. I believe that with your skills and talents we can turn it into something amazing!"
"I am flattered by the praise." he snorted "I'm curious to hear what you have in mind so far."
Yunjin sat next to Jihoon and handed over the tablet with the demo ready to play. He put on the headphones and pressed play. Music filled the studio, and she watched his expressions closely as she listened.
"No way, this song is a banger! Loved the energetic beat you brought to it."
"Thanks oppa. Your feedback means a lot to me, but I was thinking of a slight tempo change in the bridge or adding a more punchy chord. A few tweaks to the chorus wouldn't be not bad."
"I can handle this. But you know I'm a very busy producer, right? What do I get out of doing your work?"
Yujin smiled and walked over, mumbling comically.
"Well, in addition to having the privilege of working with Sector 17's most famous stylist and fashion influencer, you and your friends will get VIP passes to the show's afterparty and a generous sum for your production. What do you say? "
He chuckled, clearly impressed by the offer.
"You know how to convince me, girl. It's a deal!
She smiled victoriously and faked a grateful hug, rolling her eyes and smirking maliciously behind him.
"Thank you so much, oppa! I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with the song."
"You won't regret it. I'll do my best to make it perfect."
The two began working together, discussing ideas and making adjustments to the music.
The studio was full of creativity and harmony as they worked together. Yunjin knew that she had made the right decision in asking Jihoon for help, and she couldn't wait to see the end result.
Together, they were ready to take the Fearless Spring-Summer campaign to a new level with the perfect music to complement the sheer magnitude of the clothes.
A/N: if we had a comercial break, you all know what's coming next, right?
#seventeen fanfiction#seventeen imagines#friends to lovers#love on air 💗#txt imagines#txt smau#hueningkai smau#hueningkai social media au#hueningkai#hueningkai imagines#txt angst#txt fluff#txt fanfic#txt x y/n#hueningkai x y/n#hueningkai fanfic#hueningkai fluff#hueningkai angst
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a few words on my spiritual work online [september 2022]
hello. if you have followed my spiritual (see: astrology and tarot) work for a while, you might have noticed that I have put a halt on it for the time being/slowed down even before my brief break AND I am aware that while I try to be as open as possible in regards to the way that I work said topics, there's still a lot that I keep to myself that you don't get to see much.
Now that I'm back I would like to share a bit of what went down in regards of my (note: personal experience) pause on delivering such content. (Cause as you might have noticed, this year we aren't doing birthday roasts)
Disclaimer: I might not talk as objective and properly as usual due to the fact that I am really speaking straight from my heart this one time, while educational, you'll be taking a look at my own personal and very much cherished way of work so please be respectful, I do not intend to make it a this is the only correct way to do it but rather a bit enlightening on the more subjective side of spiritual work as a content creator.
Listen– I have been a spiritual worker for almost 20 years now, the fluctuation in energy reading is nothing new to me, although I did just pretty recently decide to share a safe space for it here online and have catered mainly to the BTS fandom. I have attuned myself to be able to read people without their explicit consent by setting ground rules and carefully curating a sense of connecting between us that would allow me to easily access parts of themselves that not even themselves might be aware of consciously.
This has especially happened with most BTS members, up to a point where me being an avid reader of theirs along with the unavoidable exchange of energy that goes on when I settle a common ground for the information that I share online, has crossed a boundary that I set between the spiritual work I do as a spiritual healing guide for people irl and the type of work I do for people that aren't actively in my life. This means that as time went on, there were bits and pieces of 'alarms' foing off at random times of 'checking up X energy' or 'Ask about X thing' and even going as far as getting really personal information along the same lines.
Once again, if you've followed my content for a while, you'd know that my "line of communication" is the strongest with Jungkook, hence, the 'JK wall of shame' tag on my blog. The thing is, a few months back (around Yoongi's birthday roast) I noticed the common ground I had set for his readings had begun to crumble down, it was much much harder to read for him, and most times the cards were pretty curt and made no much sense as a whole. I was struggling with my personal life at the time so I just thought it was that, but things started resciding for the worst after that, reaching for any of the BTS member's energy was a feat that would leave me with a week long headache and unable to get any sleep.
Evidently, and again, as experience talks by itself, when you work with energy of someone you don't have a physical connection with / don't have explicit consent, is hard. There's a lot that goes into it and as I noticed that every other reading (commissioned, paid for, consulting, even other celebrities) were doing just fine, I knew it was time for me to re-evaluate and remodel the way that I had been working with them.
Long story short, it was like playing hide and seek for months. There was this "find this bit of information, read on it, share it and then you'll have the open line back" from one of their energies that served as an obstacle and oh boy- there's seven of them, trying to reach deep but not too deep, all while losing the grasp I had on something I enjoyed doing and delivering to your guys.
Well- the struggle is over now, after nearly five months of hard work, I have found what the recurring thing it is so important to talk about that it blocked my readings of bts is and I will be sharing my five months worth of ardous research with you. Yes, in the upcoming few days (I’m using days really loosely, it might be up to 3 weeks from now) I’m gonna be sharing a reading that has taken almost half a year to get done, as part of my recurring path as a bts reader, then we’ll go back to our regular schedule of light hearted bts astrology and tarot content.
If you have read up until this point I love you so much.
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[Insert some kind of Xillia 2 catchy tagline here about how my sister and I are playing this game]. I don't even remember what chapter we're on at this point, but we did all the fun Victor stuff
Victor only took as three tries: we got very close the first time, the second one doesn't count because he confused the whole party and we all murdered each other, but by the third we had grinded a little and bought some better weapons and armor
Since we had to rewatch the cutscenes she picked different dialogue choices just to see what changed, except for the one about Ludger's cooking vs. Victor's. Sis: "I won't concede, mine's still better."
Sorry I don't have much to report about the reactions, since my sister pretty much already knew what was about to happen. She wasn't thrilled about being Elle's father, but she did feel bad for Elle finding out her father was using her, and watching him get killed, too. It's a lot for a kid to go through 😭
There's a bonus scene with Jude helping Ludger make a new pot of soup after Elle spills the first, but he mostly just stands there. Me: "YOU SHOULD BE HELPING, NOT HURTING."
My sister slapped a pair of goofy glasses on Alvin right before his character chapter so we got to enjoy all the emotional close ups with his 😏 expression. I'm surprised Presa didn't return the ring just from that 😂
Leia: "Agria, watch over me." Me: "Agria is probably flipping you off from Hell."
Why is it that Alvin's chapters are much more interesting to me than the others. I mean I'm probably super biased cause I like him but still I like how they explore more of his struggles at improving himself and what could have been based on his past, compared to, I don't know, buying a bunny doll or reading Muzet's thoughts. Maybe I'm just an angst fan.
We started prime Milla's chapter in a new session, and the second the cutscene started my sister left to go get snacks. We have a fundamentally different way of playing these games 😅
Hilariously, the cutscene was halted so Ludger can make a dialogue choice, one of them being "Sounds like I missed something." 😂
I forgot this was a Milla chapter and not a Jude one, with the iconic gay bird spirit that's acting like a clingy ex 😂
While hunting elite monsters, Milla died right at the end of a battle and didn't get the exp, but characters who weren't in the party still did. Sis: "Alvin's probably waking up from a nap like 'Guess who just got stronger?'"
We made paid the bank 150,000 with Ludger's reward money, and all we got was kitty krisps and a skill for Alvin, who again, wasn't there. Cue both of us saying "Guess who just got stronger?" and laughing.
I forgot proceeding with the plot in Marksburg triggers a boss battle with Chronos. Oops, we weren't fully healed.
Julius shows up and defends Ludger, aww. Sis: "When do we tell him he's technically an uncle now?"
I couldn't remember how many times the Chronos fight looped but it wasn't too bad really, the game's going easy on you at this point since it's scripted.
Bisley shows up to interrupt the fight. Sis: "Who are you?" Me, with utter exasperation: "...Do you seriously not know who he is?" 😩 (She did, she just didn't know why he was helping)
My sister was a lot more worried about Julius taking Ludger's place to fight Chronos one on one over the appearance of Bisley or the disappearance of Elle. I can't blame her, Julius's love for his brother is so sweet and he's frankly more compelling than most of the other original characters
Elle runs away because she suddenly doesn't want to go to Canaan anymore (it IS pretty creepy I'll give her that), and the rest of the party is somehow fine with letting this child run around unsupervised except by Spirius agents?? Even my sister who hates Elle pointed out that Ludger is kinda her closest living relative in this dimension so he should probably not let her wander off??
The SECOND that cutscene ended, Nova called. "Ludger, I know you just fought the god of time, but he gave you money, didn't he? You can't pull a fast one over the bank!"
Next time is... whatever happens next. My memories are a little fuzzy but I think we're gonna do that stuff in Spirius's basement soon, and then... oof. Hoping for a bad end, ngl 😅
[Masterpost link here, eventually.]
#dolphin plays x2#sorry if the jokes are repetitive we repeat the same ones constantly#but with how many times the dialogue in this game repeats it's hard not to parrot it back
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6 th chapter of " the power in me"
"Father and daughter"
"Here, this one is for you!" Suigetsu hands his old companion Karin a fragrant jasmine blossom tea and tries to put on his most charming smile as someone from Kirigakure can only be.
Surprised that he has organized her favorite tea, Karin accepts the gift with surprise.
Embarrassed, she says, "Thanks..." like she did when she was around her beloved crush Sasuke, and she rarely thinks about him anymore.
Their relationship has improved over the past two and a half years since the Goose Mission where they reunited with Sarada and Mitsuki and met the 7th Hokage's son, Boruto. She wonders how the trio are doing and hasn't heard from them in a while.
Karin still can't believe Suigetsu has such a nice side and she sips the hot tea. Dreamily she looks at him over the cup and hides a smile behind the cup.
"You know. It's summer and it's the Lantern Festival in Konoha this weekend and I wanted to ask you....um...", Suigetsu scratches the back of his head in embarrassment, "... well, if we don't, just the two of us together on a ...", he searches for the right words, "if you want to go on a private mission?”
Suigetsu starts sweating from nervousness.
Karin is amused at his insecure manner, "Oh, is it an invitation?" and she blushes at the thought and smiles sweetly at him.
"Something like that!", and he can only stare at her smile and is happy that this smile is only for him this time. He has interest in her for many years and also has serious feelings for Karin for the past two years. But never had chances with her , because she had been in love with his former teammate Sasuke for a long, long time and grieved after him when he married his childhood friend Sakura and got a daughter together.
Their joint conversation comes to an end when the alarm sounds discreetly through the monitoring unit.
Annoyed, Suigetsu searches the monitors to find the troublemaker: "Oh man! Is it Yamato again? I'm telling you, it's starting to get annoying that he keeps raising the alarm with his jōnins..."
"Sasuke????" and he hears Karin drop the tea mug. Fragrant Yasmin tea runs over one of the keyboards.
"You better watch out! You cause a short circuit it and I don't want to be affected by it and besides, I don't think he'll pay us a visit," says Suigetsu, a bit irritated and worried about Karin's reaction.
"And Log ..." Orochimaru announces quietly behind them.
His former subordinate and former prisoner, and now more of a staff member, look over at him in surprise.
"You two should have paid more attention to what's happening in Konoha this day. Then you both would already know, what happened” ,he says coolly.
"Suigetsu, Karin! Prepare everything for two procedures. It's about Mitsuki and Sasuke's daughter Sarada. Both are in mortal danger. Suigetsu! You help me with Mitsuki and Karin, you have to help Sarada. She must not die under any circumstances. I don't need an Uchiha adult , who is freaking out with grief here!” With that, Orochimaru gives his order, which both must follow. Concerned about the situation, Suigetsu and Karin exchange glances and separate again.
It doesn't take long either, and Sasuke bursts in with his daughter in his arms. Weakly, the young girl can only cling to her father's neck.
What happened to the poor thing?
Karin doesn't want to imagine the tragedy Sarada went through.
Karin helps her former comrade and crush to put his daughter on a stretcher.
Without paying any further attention to Sasuke, she begins examining Sarada.
The reason for her condition is obvious : An open gash in her left eye socket which is empty. Karin only notices a weak chakra flow, which is already centered and now only supplies vital organs. Her condition is alarming.
Without hesitation, Karin takes one of her tools and seeks out one of her veins and connects herself to Sarada with a tube. Sarada urgently needs Karin's chakra to strengthen her self-healing powers. When that's done, she connects Sarada to monitors, which monitor Sarada's breathing, heart rate, encephalo work and temperature.
Concerned, she looks at the medical monitors and sees how Sarada's condition remains at least stable and isn't getting worse now. But she's not over the hill.
Important blood vessels and nerves around Sarada's eye socket are injured. At worst, Sarada's brain has been damaged.
"Mom, Dad..., Kawa..." she whimpers weakly.
Karin is relieved that Sarada's consciousness is still there, which is a good sign.
Sasuke looks worriedly at Sarada with his only functioning eye socket, which is outlined in dark.
Without asking him what happened, her father begins to explain:
"I found her badly injured with one of her teammates. He clung to her and wanted to protect her from me... She tried to say his name.
At the same time, Konoha was destroyed to its very foundations. Heck, it's just as bad as Ninja World War 4 against Madara and Obito. If not worse.
I had to take Sarada to her mother.
Sakura is..." Sasuke can't finish the last sentence. It would be like reality catching him up with what happened to his beloved wife.
Karin can imagine what happened to Sakura. The fact that Sakura is not with her daughter, although her life is in danger, is enough of a sign for her.
"Why did you send her to us and not to Lady Tsunade?" Karin asks him.
Sasuke shrugs, "You're right that Tsunade in medical jutsus would be a better choice for Sarada's condition.
But Tsunade has been out of Konoha since her retirement and is currently safely in Sunagakure. It would take 1 week for me to arrive with Sarada.
Time that Sarada doesn't have..."
Sasuke looks at Karin seriously, "Besides, Sarada already knows everyone here. She shows no fear even of Orochimaru.”
As if on cue, Sasuke's former sinister master Orochimaru with a penchant for sadism and morbidity appears.
"I knew that you would only show up here if there was an important reason behind it. I don't need an explanation of what happened. I have already Mitsuki's memories analyzed,” he looks worried for his standards, which seems odd. He sighs, "It doesn't look good for the boy. His body remained intact this time. But it seems that this time his soul has been damaged...
Suigetsu will now take over his surveillance and take care of his care according to my instructions..."
He looks down at Sarada, "Your daughter isn't in very good shape either, I see. Has she been in a fight? She wasn't with Mitsuki..."
Karin takes over the conversation, "Sasuke found her seriously injured along with one of her teammates. The cause of her injury is uncertain, but with the help of her mother's medical jutsu, she was able to survive the journey here. I'm stabilizing her chakra circuit now.”
"Where is Sarada's mother Sakura?" Orochimaru asks Sasuke.
At the sound of her name, Sasuke felt a pang in his heart. Sakura's death is too recent to talk about.
He turns his gaze away from his former master, which is sign enough for Orochimaru.
"I've always told you that she's been your weak point ," he just says coolly and approaches the stretcher and inspects Sarada's eye socket,
" Losing her eye is a great loss for an Uchhiha. In addition, she is already weak for one of the strongest clans of ninja history and is next to the Uzomaki's and Hyuga's descendants of the Otsuki's....
What a tragic loss…” He smirks at Sasuke.
Triggered by this sarcastic remark, Sasuke lunges at his former master and throws him to the ground in anger, grabbing him by the neck and squeezing Orochimaru's throat with his remaining arm.
"Don't call the child of me and Sakura weak!...", Sasuke has activated his Mangekyo Sharingan out of hate and grief and he is so close to torching everything with his Amarterasu. The situation is very tense.
"Please Sasuke! It's all useless. Please keep calm. And Master Orochimaru, you better watch what you say!” Karin looks over at both opponents, concerned and angry at the same time.
Sasuke agrees and leaves Orochimaru in frustration. It's all useless.
It's about Sarada, not him or his suppressed feelings of his past.
"Still the old Sasuke..." Orochimaru chuckles amused at Sasuke's outburst of anger, but quickly regains control of himself, "However, Sarada's condition also has the possibility of a new beginning for her or an end for her."
He moves away from his former student to a shelf full of strange jars and pholia.
He takes one of the top jars with contents unknown to Sasuke, but giving Karin goosebumps.
"Orochimaru Sensei! You don't want to use his daughter as a guinea pig, do you?" Karin says, horrified.
Sasuke looks alarmedly at Karin, and then back at the jar.
" What's in there? Crazy old geezer?” he asks in disgust.
"Ts, ts, ts... Many have described me as crazy and twisted, but not old..." Orochimaru replies offended. He draws some of the unknown liquid into a syringe and walks towards the stretcher where Sarada is lying, still unconscious.
Karin points to the syringe, "These are cells from the 1st Hokage in there. Only a few were lucky enough to survive an operation with it. Known living examples include Captain Yamato and Captain Moegi. In the latter example, only a precise analysis and several tests, and it was her own decision," explains Karin Sasuke, "the cells are not safe..."
Sasuke shakes his head resolutely, "You're never going to inject my daughter with that stuff!"
Orochimaru puts the syringe back disappointed, "a pity. What a waste! You know, once removed from the vessel, I can no longer return the cells to the organic tissue and have to discard them.”
Sasuke watches as the old man, who looks like an eccentric mix of woman and boy from the outside, puts the syringe down.
"Unfortunately, with your decision, your daughter and thus your bloodline will die out. Unless a woman would take such a grumpy and aging man..."
"What does this mean? Are you letting the poor girl die?” Karin shouts angrily.
"Don't interfere and just do your job!" replies her master, "he knows he has no other choice for his daughter. Tsunade is too far away from his daughter, Sarada would never survive the journey. Sasuke knows this and just needs some help with his decision."
Unfortunately, Orochimaru has all the arguments on his side and Sasuke definitely doesn't want Sakura's sacrifice to be in vain. Sarada is the only memory he has left of Sakura.
"I reluctantly consent to the procedure. I won't leave her side for a second though!” he tells Orochimaru menacingly.
"It's up to you. But your distrust offends me deeply," he replies mockingly and begins the life-threatening surgery...
"We need to strap your daughter to the stretcher. Her body will react immediately after the cell transplantation. It is for her own protection not to fall off the stretcher. Afterwards your beloved daughter dies from a bloody concussion and you certainly don't want that. Buckle her up. Karin has to keep her arm still so her chakra can flow into Sarada's circulation. I have to prepare myself," then he disappears.
Sasuke looks after his former master. He asks his former comrade skeptically, "Is he trustworthy?"
Karin looks at Sasuke thoughtfully and then replies, "He has no reason to lie to you and stir things up against you.
It's true. The operation is associated with very high risks. At the same time, it is a chance for your daughter to survive in this now devastated world.”
Sasuke looks her straight in the eyes. Does she see a flicker of hope in his one remaining eye?
Who knows? And anyway? Actually, she shouldn't care any more than necessary. But when she saw him again for the first time after such a long time, it was almost like it was about 17 years ago when they were still working together in Team Taka.
"Moreover, it would be against all Konoha regulations, if he were to unleash a freaking Uchiha on Konoha," and makes a sarcastic remark.
Sasuke thinks about Karin's words for a moment and then starts to fix Sarada on the stretcher.
He carefully explains each step to his daughter, even though she is not conscious.
When he's done with that, Orochimaru appears in surgical clothes, surgical mask and surgical gloves.
“The procedure itself takes no more than 1 minute. The Hashirama cells do most of the work by themselves. As soon as the cells come into contact with Sarada's sensory cells and nerve tissue, they connect to her independently. At best, she'll survive with 100 percent vision recovered. In the worst case, she dies due to a rejection reaction. The reaction is immediate, should she survive the next few minutes she will fall into a deep convalescent sleep that can last up to 4 weeks and needs to be monitored,” explains Orochimaru.
His explanation doesn't reassure Sasuke at all, but what choice does he have for Sarada?
And burying his daughter with Sakura is not an option for him.
Nodding, he agrees to Orochimaru, and his eccentric master immediately begins the treatment.
He again pulls out the syringe with the 1st Hokage's organic tissue, which looks nondescript except for the slightly milky looking consistency.
The experienced sensei carefully injects the liquid into Sarada's nerve tissue, which connects to her in a matter of seconds and grows into her.
The reaction of Sarada's body follows immediately. Her body tries to free herself from the stretcher with convulsive movements.
"She's having an epileptic seizure," says Karin, worried, watching Sarada's electronic encephalogram and all other monitoring units, "Pulse goes up, oxygen saturation goes down!"
Sasuke can't bear to see his girl writhing in pain like that. Screaming at a high frequency, Sarada tries to grab her affected eye socket with both hands.
"What are you doing there, Sasuke?! Help me hold your daughter! I need to inject her with a sedative," Orochimaru hisses at him impatiently, "Karin is busy monitoring her vital signs and stabilizing her chakra circuitry."
Sasuke hugs his daughter and says desperately to her, "Please my little peanut! You can do it, you've done everything you set out to do so far. Think about your dream of becoming the next Hokage in the future..."
Sauke thinks of all his daughter's wishes and dreams. He also thinks of a father-daughter conversation between the two, one week ago. The reason for this was that he had a sneaking suspicion that Sarada harbored feelings for Kawaki.
It was the first and only time they had such an intimate father-daughter conversation.
He still clearly remembers the words they exchanged with each other.
Sasuke started his conversation, "Sarada?"
Sarada answered him in her cheerful way like her mother : "What's the matter, papa? You are so serious."
Her father passed on a request to her and felt guilty about passing on his own dream to his daughter: "I want you to rebuild the Uchiha clan. I failed and made the mistake of taking the path of hatred in the past. If it wasn't for your loving mother, the Uchiha's would have died out.
Please, no matter what happens, weigh your actions with care and love. Don't let hate guide you, no matter how bad it gets for you..."
He looked at her gravely, and Sarada sensed what her father was getting at.
"But what about my dream of becoming Hokage in the future? Boruto said if I want to be Hokage, I have to stay single and give up family life!"
Sarada drew her knees up and wrapped her arms around her
That damn Boruto!, were Sasuke's thoughts, he himself was often with his former classmate Sumire outside of the missions and put this nonsense in Sarada's head.
His daughter looked at him questioningly and waited for his answer: "Dad?"
"Listen Sarada! You just need to find someone to help you achieve both. Someone, who cares for you and the village. I know that may sound difficult to you. But not everyone is like Boruto.
Just because I'm passing on my request to you. Doesn't mean you should give up your dream,” he replied.
Sarada's cheeks turned a little red and she tried to hide them behind her knees.
"Kawaki?" she asked him shyly.
" Does he love you?" he asked her seriously.
She mumbled shyly in reply, "I don't know. He's so rough sometimes with what he says or how he says it, but he never lies and he's always there when I need help..." she then looked away in embarrassment.
Sasuke sighed in response at that. He knew this behavior of himself when he was young and if it wasn't worse.
"Listen, Sarada!" he answered her, "Boys are sometimes clumsy in what they say, they often speak through their actions. And don't let your failed sparring get you down..."
His daughter looked at him in surprise.
"I know everything what happened that day. Naruto told me everything...", her father laughed and ruffled his daughter's head, "you can't seriously believe, that Kawaki wanted to hurt you seriously in front of Naruto..."
That ended their conversation...
To Sasuke, this conversation seems like ages ago, although it happened a week ago.
He still holds her tight and cries for all the hurt that happened to her today. She suffered a lot of losses today. Her mother, her friends, last her homeland missed or wiped out in an instant. Sasuke sincerely hopes that her Uchiha genes won't set her down the wrong path.
After what felt like an eternity, her body slowly calmed down. Vital signs and encephalogram no longer give alarms and document normal values.
"Congratulations, Sasuke. Your daughter is the 3rd documented case, who has survived a contamination with cells from the 1st,” Orochimaru says calmly, observing the data.
With this answer, Sasuke's collar bursts and he roughly grabs the surgical scrubs, roughly pushes him against the next wall and lifts him up with one arm.
"Repeat the words again, old sack! Don't tell me the surgery was so dangerous..." Sasuke growls angrily.
To Orochimaru's rescue, Suigetsu comes through the door and sees the chaotic conditions
"Are you finished you two?" he says dryly, "Mitsuki needs help, Orochimaru..."
Only Suigetsu, as usual, dares to address Orochimaru only by his name without any rank.
"How I would like to continue our loving conversation, Sasuke. But you understand, I'm needed elsewhere,” his former master giggles maliciously.
Sasuke reluctantly lets go of him and turns back to his daughter
This separates the paths of the hated master and former student. Karin watches them in disbelieve.
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Sea Creatures AU / Under the Horizon / How To Tame Death
Under the Horizon follows YN as they're struggling with some situational related depression, after an injury basically took them out of their normal life, the slow recovery process let them actually watch a lot of aspects of their life falling apart. It was happening already, but now that they're stuck just sitting around without their usual routine to distract them, the heavy sad has settled in. It's this same feeling that drives them to seek what comfort they can on the shore. They haven't been on a board in months, something that would take up both their mornings and evenings, and the itch to ride the waves is strong. Stronger than their better judgement. They can walk again, but they don't have the strength they used to after the healing process. But that doesn't stop them from diving head first into the waves when they see something, something out there. The thrill of the ocean, and this new discovery of two curious sea creatures, with heavy emphasis on creature, brings some kind of spark back to their life. While it's definitely playing with fire, getting in the water with two wild animals, they seem a lot smarter than your average dog.
The plot for UtH doesn't come in till later on, which the early story being YN, Sun, and Moon just figuring each other out, and YN struggling against themself with how out of shape they are to spend so much time in the water. The boys sort of pick up on this, and one of the scariest, but also nicest, early experiences with them is them slightly kidnapping YN away out to sea just far enough to take them to a little chain of cays where they can sort of... hang out and stuff. It's surprising how smart they are, but also just how 'animal' they are at the same time. YN is fascinated, and their own amateur research becomes their main focus in life. The new obsession inadvertently urges them to get some aspects of their life back together, and directly re-inspires them to fight through their own low points. If they can get back to the point where they can really swim again, they can spend more time out there with the boys.
After a while, once things have fallen into a comfortable routine, some challenges raise their heads, both in the form of Eclipse, who does NOT take kindly to a human hanging around his packmates, and some other nosy humans that aren't as casual about their desires to research this odd species.
--
How To Tame Death focuses on Eclipse, set 10-15 years before UtH, and one of the few scenarios where it MIGHT be possible for a human to safely get close enough to give him loving pets and nose boops and still walk away with both arms in tact lmao. I've been hesitant on actually dropping info about what's going on in this one. As much as I want to, I'm still keeping this one a little close to the vest. I THINK it will be about 8 or 9 longer chapters, if my pacing doesn't go off the rails as I write? (If my secret santa wants to do something with this just poke one of the mods to let me know and I'll flail out some info to pass along <;3)
--
UtH Casual Info:
YN is a surfer, they/them with a masculine hint. Their former job wasn't anything too special, just some casual construction work with building new houses along the coast. On one hand, they're envious of the locations (they have their own little sea shack vibe place, with an older roomie that lets them crash there even after their job went tits up. I guess they're kinda loaded cause they never hassle about back-rent? Very down to earth friend, that one. Takes care of others. Don't know too much about them though.) but they're also sad to see the natural coast line turning into real estate. But it paid the bills. An accident on the job left them laid up for months, right leg taking the brunt of the injury, though it effects from hip to knee (details blurry so far for my own lack of decisions on my part). It's months before they can walk again, and the pt to get them active and off crutches takes even longer. They still have major pains and weakness in that leg, and aren't supposed to be in the water at all, but that's not gonna stop them.
Sun is bold and curious, though quick to recoil from his own actions and quite a bit jumpier than Moon. He's more obviously playful and more likely to initiate obvious playtime with gentle (not so gentle) roughhousing, stealing items of interest, or urging YN to 'follow and see' what he's found. Sometimes it's shiny stones or gorgeous shells, or some other washed up sea treasure. Sometimes it's a carcass. He's excited either way.
Moon is more reserved and cautious, but once he decides he's going to engage with something, he follows through with intent. He takes more time to examine and decide on if something is worth his time. He's also more likely to be a pest, of course. Where Sun will scoot up to YN and openly swipe something from their hands, Moon loves snooping through their bag and belongings, looking for the real treasures that are hidden away. He's typically the one to reign in Suns more rambunctious ways, but he's not any less guilty about getting carried away with play time. He is also much more likely to engage in a mock hunt, relentlessly chasing/circling YN in the water, or tackling YN off their board once they get back on their feet.
Notes about their species:
Mammalian based. For reasons to make things easy, they're based on Seals first and foremost (more leopard seal than cuter species, but yeah). They breath air and can dive for around 20 minutes easily. They're a little clunky on land but they can get around just fine. Their main body is covered in a short, dense fur, slick when wet and disgustingly soft and fuzzy when dry. They are primarily carnivorous, but like dogs can and do enjoy fruits and vegetation when the option arises. Some will also enjoy harassing puffers or gnawing on certain types of kelp that have been found to have mild hallucinogenic effects occasionally (Moon >_>). It's sort of like catnip but not at all like catnip XD.
TYPICAL mature individuals are about 15'-18' long, with Sun and Moon sitting in that general range, though Eclipse is a Big Boy and clocks about 21' long I think? Their main bodies(head to lower flippers), without tail, are about 7'ish for the boys and 8'6" for eclipse respectively. Long tails are long.
More art under the cut
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So a followup to that other anon's question: how do you think the Survive crew would handle the events of either Tri or Adventure 2020? Either facing the enemies or being in the same situation. Your pick.
Really glad you said Tri and not LEK <3
I think they'd handle the early stuff well. Taking down monsters as they come, being welcoming towards The New Person. They don't have an 02 equivalent group to suddenly have go missing but if they did I like to think they would notice. But also that's me just being mad at the writers in Tri bc I don't even think it was in character for the 01 kids not to notice jsjskdn
This has nothing to do with the important part of the plot or the enemies I just want you all to imagine a world where more of these kids are going to the same school together and they're all having fun at a cultural festival.
Characters I think MIGHT say something if their partner got infected:
-Shuuji bc he'd feel like his responsibility is to the group as a whole
-Kaito bc if Miu got hurt bc he didn't say anything he'd feel awful and tbh Dracmon would probably say something if he didn't anyways
-Aoi for similar reasons of "I can't let everyone else get hurt bc I was selfish" if even she can't stop crying while telling the others
-Maybe Miyuki? She's definitely someone who would take the L for the team but at the same time...actually yeah I just realized Renamon would tell everyone HERSELF bc she's not risking Miyuki getting hurt jsjdjd
Aaaand yeah that's about it.
Minoru I feel would try SO hard to fix it himself without anyone finding out, even to Falcomon's protests. Takuma is kind of a toss up on account of the whole "player character" thing but considering there is at least one route where he cares more about Agumon than like...the world itself, he might not have it in him to something. Miu would absolutely not risk saying something that might cause anyone to think they had to destroy Syakomon. Same with Ryo and Kunemon. I think Saki would be similar to Minoru in the sense of "I can fix this." After all, Ceresmon can heal herself, right? She would simply not accept that maybe this virus is beyond those powers. No nope nope, her partner is FINE.
I kinda joked about it before but genuinely I do not know how Akiharu would work in the Adventure universe. I'm choosing to imagine him as baby Haru but then also still Takuma's jogress partner bc we need that Omegamon. How did that happen, I don't know, I'm not paid enough (at all) to think of these things. Also I do not think that version of him would be able to tell on his partner.
I think they would handle their partners losing their memories...about as well as the Adventure group. A lot of a panicking, a lot of crying, a lot of trying to do anything at all in the world to stop it. And they would 100% go to the digital world to find them again.
It would be kinda funny if all their partners were in their in training forms though and all the kids except Takuma were like "what the fuck is that thing" isiiskdnd
I guess we kind of already know how the Survive group would react to thinking Takuma was dead for an extended period of time, huh?
Who would be the holder of the goggles in his absence? Minoru? Probably Minoru.
Oh man, it would be so crazy if one of these kids partners ever fused with an evil digimon to make a bigger eviler digimon as a direct result of their grief. Ain't seen nothing like that in Survive ever hahahaha...hah.
Hah.
I guess the ending would probably also happen about the same way? Lure Big Evil Digimon away from the city, hold out until Takuma gets back and they can just Omegamon their way through it.
Too bad it wouldn't be nearly as gay though :(
I'll be honest I only ever actually got about twenty or so episodes into Adventure 2020? I didn't not like it I just accidentally got behind and never had the will to catch back up. I would kill to see the Survive crew having to zoom call into a battle tho ksjsndn
The real question is are any of the Survive kids as fearless and badass as 2020 Takeru bc that little guy was NOT fucking around.
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Okay okay okay!
I just realised I could do this again because it was my biggest regret of the last campaign to not do it, so here we go,
SESSION RECAP!!!!!! :D
So we're running beyond the witchlight and its session 1 so the session starts while we're in line at the ticket booth
So we're next in line but rather than buying tickets, everyone just sees these two, completely identical, 5 foot tall figures arguing about who's fault it was that they had basically no money and who would get in the most trouble, all while insulting eachother and their mother?
This, my dear readers, was Pen; my friends character, and Crow; my character. Two completely identical drow twins (like, they're even dressed the same, only difference is their hair and cloaks of slightly different colours with different crests) that compliment each others individual skill set; Pen, the younger twin, is a socially awkward, but extremely protective and intelligent barbarian, and Crow, obviously the older twin, is a charming and kind ball of energy put to good use as a bard.
They also perfectly embody the concept of "the smart one, and... atleast you're pretty"
Deadass Pen has negative cha and Crow has negative int lmao
Anyway someone pushes past us because we're taking too long and we suddenly realise that we're next so we go up and ask for two tickets, we're told 8gp so we give that and then we're told that that was only one ticket
Cue us, mostly crow, trying to persuade the goblin manning to booth to honour the 8gp price he initially said because we did ask for two
It works! Sorta? Goblin gets told off by some invisible being and hands over the tickets, saying that an anonymous benefactor has already paid for our entry.
Suddenly we hear squaking behind us and turn to see a 5 foot tall hawk arakocra and a 6foot tall cheetah tabaxi behind us insisting that they're with us
This is the other half the party, Birb and Juniper Skies, who are both monks. Birb is exactly which one you'd assume.
After a bit of banter and them also reciving tickets from an anonymous benefactor we go to enter the park but stop by the map on the wall, noting that there's no more hand held versions left.
Well everyone else looks at the map, crows looking around at the surroundings excitedly.
When crow finally looks at the map he immediately notices the tent labeled as the hall of illusions and starts dragging Pen in that direction, birb and Juniper follow/ take the lead when they realise where we're heading.
And well
We get there and, guys, our characters haven't been in the park for 10 minutes and Birb is already being monitored by security and we are like 3 steps in the door to the hall of illusions when a miscommunication causes birb to sucker punch Pen in the throat.
"As soon as I register what happened I'm going to Pen and casting healing word; 'What the fuck?'"
"How aggressive are you saying that to me?"
"Not aggressively, more like wtf is going on"
"Gotcha"
*rolls dice* "Pen, take 6 healing-"
"OH, THATS YOURE HEALING WORDS!" *laughing*
Idk why that surprised him, not like I don't do that all the time lmao
Anyway security gets called on us, they get placated and we're told no violence
Pen accidentally ruins a proposal, somehow only Crow and Birb pass the int check (both have negative int, the other two dont) and only Crow passes the wis save; with a nat 20 too bayyyyybeeee
Cue tashas hideous laughter hitting everyone but me and bird, but birb laughing anyway
Anyway, we go through this magical house of mirrors, where juniper has to stop birb from fighting his reflection, and when we go out help the woman who's proposal that Pen fucked find her mortified husband
And ngl, that's about as far as we got in 4 hours lmao
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Skin
So my skin healed a lot this week. I did end up using steroids, and it helped with the skin healing process and my hands haven't looked this clear or non-inflamed for months. I can wash my hands without any discomfort.
Because steroids are anti-inflammatory and they healed my hands, it is obvious that my condition is caused by chronic inflammation.
I found a clinical dietitian online (Jennifer Fugo) who specializes in treating clients with skin conditions from more of a nutrition and functional approach because she had eczema herself. From a dietary perspective, I knew that consuming anti-inflammatory foods and supplements helps with eczema a lot. But there is more to that because, despite my diet being quite healthy and me taking vitamin D, zinc, and flaxseed oil daily, my skin flared a lot this winter. It got inflamed to the point where I had to take a day off work and go to urgent care and I could not move my hands because they were so dry, inflamed, and covered in blood. And I hate using my sick hours, and I hate using steroid creams but I had to because I was in an emergency.
Very painful period cramps are another condition caused by inflammation. My women's health doctor recommended birth control for that, and I said absolutely not. As a result she said omega 3 and vitamin D can help with cramps. And she was right, because I haven't had painful period cramps in months since I started supplementing, maybe since last August. I still do get cramping, but they are very tolerable and I even experience less menstrual bleeding. The only month where I experienced unpleasant cramping, though not as bad as before, was in November due to the stress of the war and having a traumatic experience in therapy a few days before. Note that I don't have any reproductive disorders, like endometriosis, that cause painful cramps. Something like that will definitely require medical intervention. Diets and supplements won't help treat more serious conditions. But despite this, I still struggle with an inflammatory skin condition.
Back to the dietitian, she understands that a lot of people are fed up with doctors telling them "you need to live with it", or "you have bad genes", or "there is no cure", or "the only solution is this very expensive pharmaceutical that comes with many side effects". I am very mad and annoyed with doctors in general, who recommended I rely on steroids and antihistamines. Those medications absolutely work in reducing inflammation, and antihistamines can save your life (I have a sesame allergy so I rely on them); but they are, at the end of the day, drugs that come with many side effects and must be used when absolutely necessary and not as an everyday preventative. Of course doctors have their hands tied because of pharmaceutical companies, so they cannot recommend more non-pharmaceutical solutions even if there are so many solutions out there. I significantly improved my health by supplementing to fix any nutritional gaps, getting a tongue-tie release, intermittent fasting, eating much better and avoiding junk, drinking enough water, making walking a regular habit, and fixing my sleep. This all paid off and I notice myself feeling better as I never get sick and my hair is thicker and have less cravings and less cramps, for example. Despite these improvements, I still struggle with eczema, which means that there is something in my body that I haven't addressed yet.
And I'm a scientist. While I'm sick and tired of doctors who push drugs and neglect foundational aspects to health and wellness, I want alternate and more functional treatments that are science based. I've seen a lot of wacky pseudoscience stuff on Instagram, such as this one account claiming she cured all her illnesses with celery juice. You have ideas on par with curing your stage 4 cancer by oil pulling and essential oils (I love essential oils for their relaxing scents, NOT their health properties). I know it's all bs, and at the same time I'm tired of doctors. So I'm trying to find a balance between both extremes where I apply foundational health and lifestyle changes such as the ones I mentioned above, but also treating it topically with a good quality hand cream and using steroids and antihistamines only when needed. In fact I'm going to get a tacrolimus refill so I don't have to even use steroids, which will be even better.
She talks about how there are 16 root causes to skin rashes, including gut AND skin microbiome imbalances (people with eczema have staph in their skin microbiome and healthy skin should not have that), issues with liver detoxification. gut dysfunction, stress, trauma, genetics (mutation in the filaggrin-coding gene which plays a role in maintaining the skin barrier integrity + inflammation will disregulate this gene), environmental allergies, and environmental irritants like chemicals and heavy metals. Though she puts a heavy emphasis on gut microbiome/dysfunction and liver detoxification.
On the topic of liver detoxification, people often are so misled by "detoxing". Your body already naturally detoxes via the liver, gut, kidneys, lung, and skin. However if one of these organs and biochemical detoxing pathways are impaired, then the detoxing process won't be efficiently completed, hence causing inflammation. If your liver and gut, for example, cannot effectively function in their detoxing process, the stress will go to the skin and eczema can occur. She says the best way to support liver health is not to do detoxes like juices, cleanses, enemas, or colonics, because it IS a detoxing organ, but to give it the nutrients it needs. There are 3 phases to liver detoxification, with the first phase determined by the presence of certain proteins/enzymes and the function will be impacted if the person had a disorder where there is a single nucleotide polymorphism in the gene coding the protein. So this isn't something a "detox" or "supplement" can fix. The second one, on the other hand, is heavily reliant on the nutrients you eat, like glycine, vitamin B6. sulfur, magnesium, molybdenum, and additional amino acids. I take magnesium citrate but can switch to the glycinate form, and I take a multivitamin which has B6 and molybdenum, and even switched to a new brand which has glycine since my current bottle is almost empty. Also you can support your liver by limiting your alcohol intake (or completely avoid alcohol like I do) and don't eat a lot of foods high in sugar and fat. So I was happy to see and understand liver function from a more scientific perspective, and "detoxing" in general because there is a lot of unsubstantiated nonsense on the internet. Detoxing is a thing, which several of your organs naturally perform. However if that organ is not working well, then you won't efficiently remove toxins from your body, which can lead to inflammation that can potentially manifest as skin eczema.
With gut dysfunction, she pretty much lays out the steps of digestion. You chew food (and your saliva naturally contains amylases which are enzymes that break apart carbohydrates into sugars) and chewing slowly is important because it makes digestion and absorption a lot easier, then the food travels via the esophagus to the stomach. The stomach has a lot of acid, and in some cases a person may not have enough. Stomach acid not only breaks down the food you eat, but also kills foreign pathogens you may have swallowed. So not having enough acid may cause bad bugs to travel down to your intestines and form colonies there, hence leading to systemic issues like skin conditions. The pancreas also produces digestive enzymes which are crucial in breaking down proteins, fats, and carbs. Also the liver produces bile which helps with fat absorption. So any impairments in these organs, even the gallbladder which stores bile, can negatively influence digestion and absorption. Then the food passes the small intestine and nutrients are absorbed. However, any issues such as intestinal permeability and rapid movement of the absorbed food in the case of diarrhea, can prevent proper absorption. Then it passes through the colon where water is absorbed, and then waste is excreted. She says you are what you absorb and not what you eat. So ensuring that all your GI organs are functioning properly, as well as fixing any issues, can help. I'm not quite sure how to approach this or if I even have any gut dysfunction because I've never been tested.
Finally there are microbiome imbalances on the skin and in the gut. Staph can infect the skin and cause inflammation, to the point where it can cause filaggrin mutations and cause the barrier of your skin to fall apart. So it's worth doing a skin culture with a dermatologist. I'm going to see my old dermatologist on Wednesday to ask for one and will insist until she agrees (in the case where she doesn't). Also gut microbiome imbalances can cause skin inflammation. I know a lot of people rave about gut health, but it definitely does play a role in skin health. As previously mentioned, not having enough stomach acid can introduce foreign bad bugs which can form colonies and cause inflammation. Some examples of harmful microorganisms include H. pylori, candida (everyone has candida but too much can be an issue), histamine-producing microorganisms like Klebsiella, and fungal organisms. So the best approach here would be to a comprehensive microorganism test. I'm going to meet with a functional doctor on Thursday via phone call, who states that eczema is caused by microbiome imbalances in the digestive tract and uses the GI MAP testing kit. It is expensive, especially on top of the phone call, but it will be worth it because I am convinced my eczema is gut related. I've addressed a lot of areas of my health before, but I never sufficiently addressed my gut health. So I will now and I will find solutions just like I did for my dental health last year. She said you can have imbalances despite having no gut symptoms at all.
So I'm going to take the new multivitamin, continue taking D3/K2, flaxseed oil, and magnesium glycinate. But I should also include a gut health supplement that can support both my microbiome and function. I'll eventually address my skin microbiome issue if I test positive for staph. I'm taking the Codeage Leaky Gut Formula which has l-glutamine, quercetin, additional bioflavinoids (which do support liver health and phase 2 detoxing), HCl and S. boulardii. It can definitely be a great place to start, though in the future I hope to find a more targeted supplement. Though correcting any GI imbalances can take a very long time, around several months.
Eventually I do want to work on my stress and trauma work, and I believe the war in Gaza made my skin flareups worse (not that my condition compares at all to what the people of Gaza are experiencing nor are they responsible at all for it, it is just an obvious stress response to what's happening to them). I'm seeing a new therapist now and she's been great and interactive. I know I will heal and I've already healed a lot. I made a list of things I still want to work on, but I will experience healing because it's happened before and it will happen again. Also because I believe that my eczema may be allergy related, due to my food allergies and eosinophilia, I'll speak to a doctor about getting my histamine and IgE levels tested. Any conventional PCP will provide this, I don't have to pay hundreds to see a functional medicine doctor.
So these are some of the things I've learned. It is a lot and I've watched hours of her podcast and masterclasses. I'm going to take my current supplements, then do a skin culture and GI MAP test so I can see if I have any imbalances (I likely do). I also want to address any gut function issues like not enough HCl or enzymes or intestinal permeability which can poorly influence digestion and absorption (I don't know how those are tested though). Eventually I'll work on my stress and trauma because this is longterm healing, as well as asking for an allergy panel for my bloodwork..
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BTW I didn't have "direct personal experience that informs me a bit about how Astarion's scars might feel" on my 2023 bingo card, but here I am.
I got a cyst removed and the surgery left a short pink scar, with raised tissue that looks a bit like the marks on Astarion's back. I've been applying Vaseline every night and rubbing it... except for the last two months, because I started breaking out around the scar tissue, which is something that he wouldn't have a problem with.
It's funny. I saw someone talking about c-section scars a month or so before I had the procedure done. I didn't know anything about what she was saying--that most people don't massage their scars early enough, or something--but I decided to try it for myself and see what happens.
(I really should have looked it up. Even one additional source would have been better. Still, this is pretty low stakes for me.)
The scar is healing in a way that's a bit uneven. I don't know if I'm unintentionally applying different amounts of pressure to different places because different fingers land on different spots, but parts of the remaining scar are higher than the others.
It's also receded in general. It's not as wide or long as it used to be. It's taken almost a year of daily pressure to get to this point. There's a bit of white skin beginning to stretch over the pink; I'm not sure what that's about but it looks kind of spidery. Or, I don't know, like a loose, sheer veil.
It does itch if I don't pay enough attention to it. It didn't do this while I was still applying Vaseline, so I'm hoping my skin will cooperate soon because if it doesn't I'm probably going to say fuck it and just accept the blemishes.
It doesn't hurt to press on it--fewer nerve endings and all. The sensation is there, but it's dulled.
Mine was a very controlled scenario where everyone was very careful-- and I left out the part about the stitches because it wasn't relevant--but there's enough similarity that I think I can guess.
Cazador wanted things perfect. He might not have taken care of his spawn even slightly, but he wanted them to heal in such a way that his work was unmarred.
I think he paid some amount of attention to aftercare because of this--maybe he just tossed them back into the bedroom or the kennel, but I think he might have given them a rat so that everything would close up.
I also think it's likely that the scars hurt. A lot. Especially because Astarion has trouble reaching them. It's easier if I rub mine absent-mindedly when it starts acting up. He can't really do that.
I have no idea how long it would take for his scars to become smaller, since I've been taking care of mine from the beginning, but I do think it's going to take a considerable amount of time.
Maybe a year to see progress? Years for the entire thing. It might never fade completely, but I do think regular massages would provide some relief.
I should definitely do more research on the topic, this is just what I've learned from my own limited experience. (I did double check that scars can cause pain, and I already knew that there's a ton of products promising to help with scar reduction.)
#the fact that this happened this year is... INTERESTING 👀#i wouldn't have had anything to relate to this if the timing had been different or if i hadn't had to go through that#...it was minor but have you ever had the equivalent of a large angry nasty pimple on your chest? not fun#i wore bandages for MONTHS#he heals differently so i have no idea how that would work.#astarion
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Day 10 - 10/19/2023
Hello! I got a job offer last week which I'm so grateful for because I need money. lmfao. The thing about the job is that it's a 3 month contract role with potential to hire which means there's a possibility they don't keep me next year and they didn't put that in the job listing. I was lowkey so frustrated that they didn't put that in the listing but the company is sports media which is cool and the pay is a little better than I was getting paid at my other jobs. It's for Meta so I guess we'll see how it is when I start. The main thing was health insurance but they provide it thankfully. All these fucking jobs are starting off as contracts with potential to hire and that pisses me off so bad because if someone is qualified and you like them in the interviews why are you doing this? People need money to live?? People need jobs?? Companies really don't give a fuck about us. I'm still waiting on my top choice to get back to me and will probably email them tomorrow for a follow up. I had two interviews with them but they said it's 123 interview process which probably means I have a third interview. I accepted the contract role cause I so desperately need money but if they hire me permanently, I'd feel more relieved because at least I'll know I have job and financial security next year. I hope my top choice hires me because it's a permanent role and also does sports.
I'm still crying a lot, just literally about everything. lmao. As much as I want to stay positive, it's been extremely difficult. When I went to give my best friend her birthday gift, she let me vent to her and I was just crying to her. I told her everything and spilled my guts basically. I felt bad because it was her birthday but she said it was okay. I told her about my dad, how I've been feeling about my health, the uncertainty of everything that's going on in my life and if things will ever get better, how I cry every day multiple times a day, how I feel so incredibly sad and lonely. And not the I want a boyfriend type of lonely but just some sense of loneliness that I can't really comprehend. I was telling her I know I have people who love and care about me so why can't I see it? Why can't I just take it in? I know I did this to myself and I don't want to spend my life at war with myself. I'm trying so fucking hard. I've been listening to affirmations every night, journaling every day, praying every night to whoever the fuck is listening. I so badly want things to get better. Am I heading in the right direction? Am I going to be okay? Are there other health symptoms I'm going to have to worry about? Will I ever be able to eat normally again? I apologize so many times to my body because I know I put it through hell. I'm still trying to love her while trying to heal her. I went to another doctor because he luckily does free consultations and he was super nice. Will probably start working with him once I pay off some of my debt. I just want to feel better again and lose weight and fit into my clothes again. I don't want to feel bloated and inflamed anymore. I don't want my body to tingle and feel numb.
I was asking my best friend if I was meant to suffer or if I did something bad in my past life or earlier in my life for something like this to happen. She said no, I did not. I'm so glad she lives right there. I am so grateful for her and I love her so much. I got a tummy tuck and thigh lift which basically gave me digestive issues. My body isn't absorbing food right now so I'm always bloated and inflamed. And it sucks having to be careful what to eat and sometimes I just want to be like fuck it and eat whatever I want but I know I can't do that unless I truly want to heal my body. I've read success stories about people healing so that's what is keeping me going. I know I'm going to feel better and eat what I want again. I just feel so stuck. Was it wrong of me to do the surgery? I've always been such a big girl so was it bad that I wanted to feel skinny and fit for the first time in my life? My best friend said no, and that it was okay. I don't regret any of the surgeries I did but now I have to heal it back. I'm hoping I do. I know I will. I know it's going to take time.
I was also talking to her about death and how it always consumes my mind. I didn't realize how much I thought about it when I was little too. I remember asking my mom why do we die in 4th grade. 4th fucking grade. I remember crying in class in 4th grade because I was thinking about death. My mom couldn't give me a straight response but I always just thought about how sad it was that we are born and then we die. And then I think about about how aging is a blessing a privilege so why do I want to die right now? Some people don't even get to live to be my age and here I am having suicidal thoughts. I think about everyone in Palestine fighting for their life and just wanting to live and then there's me. I just want to scream and punch something to get everything out of my system. My heart is so heavy all the time. I am so anxious and worried all the time. I am so stressed all the time. I'm trying so hard to do better, to feel better, to take care of myself because I know I didn't back then. There is so much going on and there's never any time to grieve or just breathe.
I was posting things on my story about how difficult life is and a lot of my friends know I'm sad a lot of the time and one of my friends messaged me saying I hope that I'm happy and doing well. And I don't post things to get a reaction or for people to feel sorry for me. I post things because it's important to me (of things like that) and sometimes you feel like people aren't really thinking of you and yet when my friend reached out to me, I was like oh wow. I'm very grateful that she did. I know my friends are worried about me. I think it was this week that I was just lying in bed and feeling sad (as always) and my pole instructor texted me and she said she was thinking of me and she hoped the job search was going well. My therapist also texted me saying she has faith things are going to fall into place for me. Sometimes I don't think about the way I have an impact on people. Sometimes people are just extremely busy and it's hard for me to reach out because I don't want to feel like a burden and I'm just like sad all the time. I remember my friend crying to me and she never cries saying that if anything happens to me, she'll understand but will be extremely sad that I'm not in her life anymore. It was the first time someone has cried in front of me and talking to me about it. I am always grateful for the people in my life because I know how much they care about me and love me. As of right now, I'm just having a hard time seeing it because I'm too much into my head.
I also think about if I'm ever going to date someone and experience being in a relationship. I do want to so bad but I know I have to take care of myself first. I don't really believe in the whole you have to love yourself first before you love yourself because let's face it. Everyone is always going to hate something about themselves and find every flaw imaginable but I feel as long as you're working on yourself and you're not being a bad person then it's absolutely okay to be in a relationship. I can't believe I realized that I want to start dating. I literally didn't think this day would ever come but here we are.
I do just want to focus on getting healthier, paying off my debt, and focus on my family and friends but whoever I start to date, I hope they like me as much I like them.
I love you, Jane. There's so much good in store for you. You're going to be okay. I promise.
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This might be my longest blog ever, so please, bear with me.
I'M NOT OKAY.
You read that right. I am not okay. I typed again for you to notice. I'm in a place where I can't speak, where I can't voice out my opinion and my idea. It's suffocating, it hurts and I'm in so much pain. The kind of pain that I thought a long sleep can heal, but it cannot. I lied. I lied about being accepted.
I live in a house, surrounded by people that I don't know. Paying to make a living, as if I'm renting a home, but this isn't home. Home is where your heart is happy, while living in it, right? So am I happy? No. I pay until the last money of my salary are thin to dust. I pay 'cause I'm too afraid that this so called home would crumble in front of me and force me to move out. I never wanted that to happen, I don't wanna leave your daughter, my girlfriend, at this time. I don't even have the money to buy things for myself, and even to save some for the future. That's the extreme of it.
I know you don't want me, I can feel how disgraced you are whenever we're at the dining. You don't even look at me, but here I am, grateful. Why? 'Cause you paid for my hospital bill and knew how unable I am to settle all of it. I even contacted my ex whom I don't talk to anymore just to lend me money, so you won't shoulder it alone. Reached my Dad, only to find out that he can't help me, because he's busy tryna make a new family, when he left us broke.
And to my girlfriend that I'm starting to hate, I'm on the very edge of it. If it wasn't for what you did, I wouldn't be in a huge debt. I work for 8 hours a day and 6 times a week and only had a day off. Would it hurt you to prepare me a meal? A lunch? Wash my clothes or even iron it? I gave away all my salary. You have my card, my account. I pay for my food every cut-off, only to go to work empty handed and with a grumbling stomach. I even walk just to get home and there. Who told you to gamble? Who told you to trust the people on the net?
I told you I needed to be tagged, 'cause I want my salary to increase, you didn't support me. Told you I had to get my pictures from my oath taking last October, which only have a 6 months due, you never bothered. It was gone now. When I told you I needed my certificate of passing, you didn't even let me nudge. All of the things that I'm telling you, you won't even bother to listen.
But when it's you and you walk in the room and saw me asleep after my shift, you wouldn't stop calling just to wake me up to take pictures of your items to sell, I have to feed our baby, I need to clean, I need to wash my uniform and iron it later or I won't have anything to wear tomorrow. Can't you see the difference? I do as I've told. Can't you do the same thing for me?
I've never cried so hard before but right now I am silently doing it. My heart is so heavy. I want this to go away.
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First of all seriously congrats on getting out of the spiral i understand how flabbergastingly difficult that is.
….that being said.. with as much the love and support I can share….
Please please please please next step- stop checking LI like that at all. Or like at all but ideal worlds etcetc It is not a safe place for anyone social interactions and active use can be a deterrent to potential employers as it shows mental instability and a dependency on social media etc etc businessbullshit
Take care you yourself please pretty please with a cherry and fun shaped sprinkles on top
You. Deserve. To. Rest. God. Damn. It.
Write it down in a notebook or notes app I know it’s hard to find the right Thing just please hang in there No more LI
I know I don’t know your situation you might need to be job hunting everyday to pay for medical bills or for whatever you may need -
just please be careful
And try to be kind to yourself please
hey hey! thanks for the support. I barely ever post on linkedin, only once or twice. I never share posts from other people either on there, either. I will occasionally like posts on there though.
I only had to make a linkedin account years ago in uni, bc the careers department basically bullies you to make one, to con you into thinking that that's the only way you'll be HEADHUNTED OMG!!!!.
but that's literally never happened to me.... and all I actually get on there is marketing emails for LI premium and learning (which is like $90 or something a month here in australia so I've never paid the sub) and scam courses from usually americans about resume writing etc but they want you to cough up $5,000 australian to do them.
I've always been super wary about linkedin in general, anyway. which is why I've barely ever posted on there, except for my uni graduation and when i started at my job last year. making my account for it back in 2016 during uni caused me to have an anxiety attack lmao. it's also why I'm happy I'm not checking it as often as well.
I had a year of rest in 2021 to heal from my surgery.... even though everyone was pushing me to "hurry up and get a job and move out and be an adult NOW!!!" including my surgeon. like guys. I just had some of the most traumatic 3 months of my life in my mid-20s. why the fuck would I want to be instantly back in the workforce????? holy fuck.
and plus, it did hit me while healing back then, a few times, how unwell and fragile I really was. because I bent down in woollies or coles (grocery stores here in aus) and couldn't get off the floor without grabbing onto something to balance myself. and that's when I started listening to the physios more in rehab hospital rather than my surgeon and everyone else, about taking it slow and healing... instead of trying to instantly jump back into casual or part time work in retail at the time; or even office work (since I learnt last year that stationary orders are, in fact, quite heavy when it's just boxes filled with packets and packets of paper; and other general office shit).
as for the medical bills, I don't have any to pay off since my surgery was completely covered by medicare. all I'm trying to avoid now in job hunting, is australia's incredibly punitive employment jobseeker income supplement payment requirements of meeting with a job provider each fortnight; and having to apply for 20 jobs a month or they'll take your payment off of you.... which is incredibly unhelpful when I need to pay my car loan and car insurance. although I'm pretty sure that's been updated but I can't remember how it's changed..... because I didn't need to worry about it last year whilst I was in my cadetship job since it was full time.
but yeah I just need to use LI as a way to look for jobs and maybe very occasionally interact with my old colleagues at my cadetship job (which I just left on the 23rd of march). but I am trying to interact with it less.
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DISCLAIMER: Lyrics not mine. " 'Round here" Song by Counting Crows. (Song lyrics in quotation marks)
"Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog,
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white.
And in between the moon and you, Angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right."
*I used to think wandering this world for hundreds of years would be a never ending lesson of pain and loss. I mean I was right, but I was hoping at some point, someone would make that truth hurt a little less. There is no added dose of wisdom for Angels. No special handbook that helps you deal with certain situations. You take it as it's dealt and you make the best of it. Breakups are fucking brutal. Even if it's for the best, no matter how amicable, it still sucks. You'd think for being alive over two hundred years, relationships would be just a drop in the bucket for my longevity. But no matter what, everyday spent connecting with someone, leaves an echo in my soul. One that never fades.*
"Well I walk in the air
Between the rain
Through myself and back again
Where? I don't know."
*I carried the box of Christmas decorations back up into the attic of my mothers home. Something to be put away and locked up like feeling anything was hard enough. Just as I shut the light off to leave, pain shot through my foot like fire. Light back on and kneeling to pick a piece of broken ornament out of the arch of my foot. Good news, not completely numb enough because I felt that at least. As soon as I removed the shard of glass, my foot healed leaving only a trace of blood behind as proof that something did indeed happen. I slipped back downstairs and stopped to look at a picture of her and I at the fair. That was a month before I lost her but our smiles gave no warning of the fate coming our way.*
" 'Round here, we always stand up straight.
'Round here, something radiates."
*The bar was just loud enough to drown out any of my own thoughts for a few hours each night. I still paid Jason but I told him to take some time off. He didn't ask me questions and I didn't have to lie about how I was doing. We had a great understanding that way. About the third week of going hard into working every night and day, I started to see through some of that fog. Jason would come back around and we'd joke and laugh while doing inventory, giving each other a hard time. He had no idea how grateful I was that he never pushed. He knew I needed time to just process things.*
" 'Round here, we're carving out our names.
'Round here, we all look the same.
'Round here, we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs."
*Day in and Night out, I pushed through. Taking one step at a time. Jason finally came back and he and I ran the bar with ease. He said he couldn't take one more night of just him, the wife and his baby. I envied that I guess but for him I understood. I knew he didn't take his life and family for granted. I knew his heart way too well and for a human, he knew mine more than anyone else did.*
" 'Round here, hey man, we got lots of time.
'Round here, we're never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait.
'Round here we stay up very, very, very, very.
late.
I, I can't see nothing, nothing, 'Round here.
You catch me if I'm falling. Catch me if I'm. falling.
Will you catch me? 'Cause I'm falling down on you."
*As I stood up here on the stage belting out those lyrics, I caught Jason smiling at me from behind the bar. It was one of my favorite moody go-to songs and he knew I was feeling more myself since I got up to sing for the bar. It had been some time since I'd been up here to sing anything. But something about just letting the words come out, letting the music speak for myself really felt therapeutic. I was laughing as I rejoined Jason behind the bar, two shots waiting with him handing me one. I gave him a nod and took the shot, patting his back as I set the glass back down.*
Thanks man. That's exactly what I needed.
#TBC
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