[obligatory job hunting is hell post]

bnha could've been so different if Deku wasn't a complete asshat and really thought about what Shigaraki was saying in Chapter 69. "The reason these fools can smile and live their lives is cuz All Might always got that grin on his face. Smiling wide, as if to say there's no one he can't save."

And then after one (1) reflection a few chapters later when he goes "that sure is an opinion", Deku just never thinks about that mall encounter ever again. No "Shigaraki wasn't saved. How? Why? What happened? Should I ask, when I get the chance again? If I had recognized that pain for what it was back then, could things have been different?" Not after Jaku, not during the Edgy Deku Arc where he said he was actively trying to "learn what makes [Shigaraki] tick deep down", not when Shigaraki comes back after Chapter 379.

(then again, why think about it? Issue isn't ultimately All Might's Pillar or Hero Society or a broken social net. It was cuz Tenko wasn't saved from himself.

Saving Tenko/Tomura from being kidnapped and hidden away for 15 years? Saving Tenko from being abandoned on the streets? Saving Tenko from the rest of his neglectful family? Nah. Stop him from decaying his family and save him from his self-loathing. Don't get me wrong, that's important! The massacre was a moral injury that cut him deeply. It's just that ignoring all other issues really makes it seem like the onus is put on Tenko. Or just The One Evil Man.

If only Tenko didn't have this quirk (that AFO gave him, because he knew it would sentence Tenko to a lifetime of rejection, he was depending on society's fear and distrust to do his work). If only Tenko didn't have that bit of resentment toward his family (that was perfectly justified because they watched him get slapped and didn't even let him back into the house) that fueled the quirk. If only AFO didn't exist, this sort of generation trauma could never happen organically and so we would have to actually do something about everything instead of killing one (1) guy.

Deku never tells Tenko different, either. No "it was an accident, you're 5-years-old"; no "of course you'd feel angry and cathartic, you were abused, but it doesn't make you evil"; no "you have the right to exist as a person, no matter what you've done." And you have to assume that he doesn't actually think different. Stop the sadness. By identifying, addressing, and solving the issues that lead up to this? No, by punching Shigaraki into reliving-trauma submission.

I know it's a bit unfair of me to blame Deku. Should be blaming Horikoshi for most of this because Act 3 was bad, and I also am. But when the protag is already an unsympathetic incurious little blockhead 300+ chapters before, the character is also the problem.)

Omg hi Ms. Yellow Caballero big fan of your work <3 For real though, I'm really excited that your sharing the Weekenders, it was a joy to read and I'm bongocat-ing now that others also get the privilege to read it as well.

Referencing your tags, would you please elaborate of ableism in fandom and, like you said, how fandom treats characters with unpalatable disabilities?

Hi Ms. Bud Lite I'm a big fan of you <3

TL;DR A fear of writing characters of highly marginalized identities shields you from criticism and discomfort, but it's actively stigmatizing to people of these identities and as a writer you really need to get over yourself and write The Icky People.

I guess I'll come out swinging on this one and say that fandom doesn't like severe mental illness. (As a note, when I say severe mental illness (SMI) I mean illnesses such as psychotic disorders, bipolar disorder, substance use disorders, personality disorders, etc)

Obviously, nobody likes people w/SMI. It's just insanely egregious in fandom to me, since fanfic writers absolutely love writing characters or HC characters with depression, anxiety, or a specific variety of PTSD That Isn't Scary. People actively reject any character HCs for a SMI. When people write a character with SMI, they nicely downplay it, ignore it, substitute it for a disorder they like better, or rewrite it. It's completely untolerated, in both headcanons and in fanfiction, and every time I bring it up I always get the most interesting reasons why somebody couldn't possibly acknowledge a character's SMI in their writing. I've heard all of these:

"I don't know enough about the disorder to write it accurately." Do research.

"I'm not X, so I can't really depict it." You probably aren't a cis white man, but you depict those guys just fine.

"It feels insulting to the character." There is no shame in having a SMI.

"I can't understand what it's like, so it's better to be cautious and avoid giving characters stigmatized identities." There are LOTS of experiences that you'll never understand because you've never had them - you just don't want to write anything you're uncomfortable with. People with SMI make you uncomfortable, and you don't want to write anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, or think of a comfort character in an uncomfortable way. SMIs are marginalized differently than solely depression/anxiety/The Nice PTSD, and by refusing to write them you're actively contributing to the stigma.

I think (?) I've spoken in the past about how I believe that the rigorous external and internal policing of writing people of marginalized identities is actively harmful towards efforts to increase diversity of experience and background in fiction. A lot of fanfiction writers are just terrified to write people who they can't directly relate with, because they're worried 'they'll get it wrong' and be Big Cancelled. I think this is negative enough when it prevents people from going outside of their comfort zone, but on a macro level I think this results in people refusing to write characters of marginalized identities as all. It's an insidious thought process, and it's reflected in people's unwillingness to diversity their writing or acknowledge canon diversity.

'Well, I don't understand what it's like to be Black, so I don't want to write Black people'. 'I want to project on this character, so I only want to write them with mental illnesses and identities I have'. 'If I write a marginalized character incorrectly people will yell at me, so I won't write a marginalized character who's marginalized differently than me at all'. Can you imagine writing a lesbian character with a boyfriend because 'you feel uncomfortable writing lesbian experiences'? It's blatantly homophobic. But people do that with disability and race/ethnicity ALL THE TIME.

People with SMI notice that you feel uncomfortable with them. It's obvious. They notice when a character has a SMI + anxiety, and you only write their anxiety. They notice when a character displays symptoms of a SMI in canon, but you write it out. And POC notice when the characters of color are written out. I know we all like to project on the blorbos and relate to them, and in the joys of your own head do whatever, but as a writer if you only stick to identities you're comfortable with you are actively being a worse writer. Which to me is the REAL sin lmfao.

hi sci, happy december! i really admire your pride and openness about being queer, i think it really reflects in your depiction of wade and peter. i find myself relating to pete a lot. i just really wanna ask how i can be more proud of being queer and more comfortable in my own skin?

i think you’re super cool!! thank you for your comics they make me so happy 🙏

happy december, anon!! it's – it's kind of funny, actually, that you'd say that. it made me think of a distinct memory of mine, from ages ago. where someone outed me as queer in a facebook post (without my permission!) and i got so nervous and apprehensive about it that i asked them to take it down. so it feels kind of funny, you talking about my pride and openness about being queer. when i don't know - i feel a lot like peter, too. trying to embrace these truths about himself, but still not entirely comfortable yet. personally i still don't like the label "queer" - it isn't something i'd label myself - i prefer "gay" - and it's inexplicable. maybe queer has deep-seated connotations to me. when i've heard it, it's always been derogatory. queer means weird. that's not always a good thing.

i love those who can reclaim it and scream proudly, but – i'm one of the nervous ones. and when people call me "queer", i feel nervous. i don't feel proud. but gay - gay means happy. gay is a celebration. i can proudly claim i'm gay. that feels right. i'm gay. not "weird". it's so pedantic and silly. but it's where i've found my comfort.

i'm still not exactly the most out-and-proud, in my day-to-day. i really want to be. but i haven't really found a community in the real world that makes me feel that safe and honest - lgbtq+ spaces don't always feel accommodating to everyone (least of all someone as socially anxious and repressed as i am) - and i'll be honest, i'm scared. a lot of very out-and-proud people make me nervous, they're so loud. and i'm so, so quiet. up until very recently i was terrified of lesbians. they still scare me a little. on a daily basis i ask myself "am i homophobic?"

i still live in a home where being honest about who i am is kind of a complicated issue - not that i'm under the risk of being rejected but - i kind of have to always filter myself in a way to make myself simple and uncomplicated for the people i live with. trans is complicated. bisexual is complicated. just stay plain and simple, and nobody will get scared or confused.

forming this community online definitely helped with me being able to embrace myself - seeing so many people embrace and love wade and peter and all their funny gender and sexuality experiences feels like, in some way, i'm being embraced and loved too, through them.

i feel like the most important way you can learn to embrace yourself is to be embraced by others - to find people who celebrate you, for what you are. i think it's bogus, the line of thought that "you can't be loved if you don't love yourself" - it's the complete opposite. it's so much easier to love yourself when you're loved. find people who celebrate you. who celebrate colours, and celebrate whatever you are, as you are. maybe that means getting louder. maybe that means going out and meeting people like you. maybe that means finding community somewhere, somehow.

if you're looking for a place for weird, weird gender beans, the ask-spiderpool discord server is a beautiful, wonderful place full of beautiful wonderful people with beautiful wonderful feelings.

So you guys probably know if you've been following me a while that I'm coming to terms with some stuff about how my mom has always treated me that's difficult and tough, and that part of what I've needed to do in order to give myself free rein to think about what's really going on is to ignore some of the taboos Tumblr puts on words/terms: "your abuser isn't narcissistic, they're just an abuser" types of things.

Not tabooing "narcissistic" helped me to think about/focus on the way that a lot of her bad treatment focused on how I look to others/how the family looks. The idea that certain things would send messages to the community that would get us all shunned if I went ahead with them.

(FWIW, I don't know if I'd label her narcissistic or not now that I've thought about it. I just think that if I hadn't given myself permission to use that adjective if it fit, I would have had a harder time thinking through how much of it I do think is her having overwrought concerns about how she looks to other people and how her loved ones look as that "reflects on" her.)

Well. We've got another one.

I was talking to my therapist the other day about the way my mom will... agree to do something she really doesn't want to do and then complain about it, often and loudly. My therapist referred to this as "attention seeking behavior."

Wham goes the anvil. Another taboo. "If someone is engaging in behavior to get attention, it means they're being deprived of something they need."

Which, I realized... if that's what I believe about attention-seeking behavior, then whenever she does it, she NEEDS something, and if I can't find someone else to take care of the NEED, then a NEED is going unmet, and that leaves... me.

I'm beginning to think (well, more than beginning, but solidifying an amorphous belief I already had? I think) that a lot of these shorthands, "narcissistic," "attention seeking," etc. differ in usefulness depending on who they're being said TO.

If you say to someone asking you for mental health help, "you're just a narcissistic attention seeker," then you're rejecting that person in a massively and unnecessarily cruel way. "You don't actually have an issue that I can help you solve, you just have an entitlement problem."

But if you say to someone at the end of their rope with a difficult loved one, "they're kind of narcissistic and attention seeking," what that's saying isn't that the person doesn't have an issue or isn't experiencing legitimate pain. You're saying TO THE LOVED ONE "that's probably not something you can help them solve. Part of it's an entitlement problem, and in order to see that and commit to fixing it they need someone uninvested to help them notice. However much you love them and want to help, that uninvested person is never gonna be you."

Ole Munch Time

LET'S TALK ABOUT MUDMAN AGAIN. Let's talk about…the biscuit scene. There's gonna be a part 1 and a part 2 cuz OH BOY I GOT STUFF TO SAY.

Part 1

So, Ole Munch shows up at the Lyon's home and sits patiently for Dot while Wayne keeps him company, who I imagine is trying to chat our mudman up and just be his regular friendly self? I doubt Munch really knows what to do with that, he's out of his comfort zone here. I think the last time he was given a warm welcome was likely centuries ago when he met the people of the plains.

Then Dot arrives and the fun begins.

As they talk he does this strange balancing act between polite guest and grim reaper. He tries the tough guy act and the music reflects it in the scene. He's all intimidating; scowling, a bit snarly, Mister Grim & Gruff being all, 'no, our fight isn't finished', 'this is the way it has to be', 'you took a man's flesh now you must give your own in return'. Old Testament, yadda yadda yadda. But I don't think this is what he REALLY wants, it's likely that with the way his life has gone that this is just what he thinks is fair. What's available to him.

A little note about him being gone for a year and dressed all in black; what was the mourning period in medieval times for a child facing the loss of a parent? A year. And the appropriate color garb when in mourning? Black. He's trying to honor Irma's passing.

Let's talk about the handshake. Wayne offers his hand, and Munch, still staring at Dot, tilts his head away from it. I don't think he's flinching or cringing in fear, but I could be wrong. Maybe he's never been offered a handshake before, wasn't expecting the gesture, or…he knows what the gesture is and doesn't want to accept it.

It kind of feels like a pouty kid going, 'No, I'm not gonna shake your hand. I can't. I'm not allowed. I have no choice but to be the Harbinger of Death and you're ruining it. :c'

Dot approaches then, and Munch says, "We will finish our engagement now."

Dot's confused, says she thought they were done. What is he doing here, he had helped her and said she was free now. She hadn't understood his meaning then, that it wasn't about her and him. I think Munch telling her, 'The tiger is free', was meant as in free from Roy. Period. Her debt to Roy as his runaway bride was going to be absolved.

So, the debt. He's had much taken from him. Not just his flesh; remember, the money he was paid to go after Dot in the first place was stolen back. We saw Roy find the duffel bag in Gator's closet after he'd been abducted. Not just that, but Munch's new mother figure was also killed. He's gained nothing for his pain and suffering. The only debt that could possibly be paid fairly, according to his Code, is his ear.

And then he's being given a soda and he looks away from Dot to peer at it like..'??? What is this bright thing…oh, a beverage.'

It's funny how he rejected the handshake but accepted the drink, yet we saw previously how distracted he gets by the marvels of the modern world, so he accepts it if just to inspect the soda. And THEN he accepts the kind gesture behind it, but not before side-eyeing Wayne suspiciously. Like he's maybe mulling over whether or not he should thank him, or he's wary of Wayne's intentions. But Munch is clearly touched by the gesture, even if he doesn't WANT to be. He's being shown real hospitality and he finally accepts it, because deep down he WANTS it, so we get an almost begrudging, "A man is grateful".

Like he's going, '…Okay fine. I'll admit...this was nice of you.'

Then Wayne starts asking about him, and notice how Munch is STILL looking at Wayne, not at Dot. And his body language changes a bit, like he's surprised, maybe flattered, that someone is showing interest in him as a person. And he responds to that. Munch doesn't ignore Wayne, he opens up to him.

And the whole scene is hilarious because we can see how receptive Munch is to respect and kindness and family that it's like…buddy, your Code is a mask and it's about to crumble right off your face.

Dot then steers the conversation back to the reason he's here, the debt. She challenges it, but in a respectful way. She doesn't understand why everyone insists on paying debt no matter what. She understands, "keeping a promise, but people always say 'debt must be paid'. Except what if you can't? If you're too poor, or you lose your job, maybe there's a death in the family (all things I think Munch can intimately understand). Isn't the better thing, more humane thing, to say the debt should be forgiven? Isn't that who we should be?"

Remember his monologue in the bath? How the ones who have plenty insist on greed, insist on taking from the ones who have nothing? As if life itself owes them a debt, their greed must be fed regardless of the cost. And the cost is death. This scene feels like a continuation of his talk of kings, and I think he's reminded of what a kindred spirit Dot is.

I think to Munch, the debt is about keeping a promise to himself. Because all he has IS himself. His Code. If no one else is advocating for him, HE must advocate for himself. But now he has to reconsider what debt is to him, if it should be paid, if it should be forgiven. And he struggles with it because this will change him and he doesn't know if he should let it. Will this get him hurt? Will it be worth it? It's such a vulnerable place to be in.

And then Wayne mentions it's probably time to make biscuits. And it takes Munch a second but his attention snaps to Wayne. A hint of interest, maybe?

And Dot goes, "You know what? You're right." She smiles. Enough of this, she's said all she needed to say about debt and payment. Time to move on.

Dot asks her family to set the table, and looks back at Munch, and she's smiling in this certain way at him. Like she thinks she knows what to do next. Because I think she's starting to realize how alike they are. Maybe she used to think the way Munch did before she escaped Roy.

An eye for an eye. Think back to Dot's dream; Dot insists Linda owes her, that she needs to do something about the hurt and suffering she went through. Pay the debt. But Dot forgives her. She can move forward, no longer trapped. I think Dot recognizes Munch is stuck in survival mode and hurting, because she was stuck in it for so long.

Her family walks away and her smile fades. Munch looks confused, unsure of what to do next. So Dot gives him a choice, "Whatever it is you think you came here for, we're halfway to supper. And it's a school night. So either you wash your hands and you help, or we do this another time."

And Munch looks like he's pouting but he's considering his options. Dot gets up and leaves him to mull it over.

I wonder if Dot remembers that dream, of making a doll and having dinner with those other Linda's (other versions of herself). She fought against it at first, but deep down she wanted to heal from her past. She wanted forgiveness, love, and joy. Family. So she offers Munch a chance to do the same, because deep down she knows he wants that too. He wants to escape but doesn't know the steps to take. That's why he's there.

And Munch's faaaaaaaaace. He's in turmoil, he's confused, he's thinking of debt and forgiveness and Irma. His want of family, his want of being cared for and having people to care about in return. He peers up at the family and the music is tense with, 'oh no is he going to attack??'

But honestly? I think the music is a hint to how he's feeling. Munch is terrified of this family, of joining them. BUT HE JOINS THEM ANYWAY.

And just like Dot in the dream with the Linda's, he fights it at first. Shaking his head like, what is he doing, this is all wrong, a man has a Code. And he tries to insist on his Code. It's all he has, it's all he is. It's everything. It's safety. Change isn't safe, it's a risk and he just wants to be safe. Yet there he is in the kitchen trying his best to prepare something for everyone to eat.

They take his coat, accepting him into their fold, and you can see how uncomfortable he is. Exposed. His hands hover by his hips, like he wants to reach for a gun or a knife. He's struggling but he's trying. He saw himself in Dot and wants to understand just as much as he wants to be understood.

He clutches the measuring cup with both hands, maybe to give himself some sort of security. Grounding himself as he watches what Dot does with clear interest. Then Dot starts talking with him about the job he took from Roy. She discusses the risk that naturally comes about with accepting such work. She acknowledges that he got hurt. And that he can't be mad at the risk because he accepted the possibility of risk when he took the job.

You don't get mad at the boulder for being a rock. You don't get mad at the risk for existing in whatever form that it takes. And he understands that.

She makes him realize that he's not here because of the risk or the lost ear. But that forms a paradox because he thinks that's why he is here. So then…why is he here? He shakes his head, it doesn't make sense. That HAS to be why he's here. His Code.

Dot talks about family, of why she was a risk to him. She asks him to empathize by thinking of his mother across the sea, loving him. What if someone went after her? Tried to take her away from him? Wouldn't he expect her to fight like hell to get back to him? Wouldn't he understand his mother making that choice? Wouldn't he understand why Dot made that choice?

Munch responds, "You say that as if life is a circle, but it's a line. Mother is the start, this is the other side."

It doesn't make sense for him, because he's lived so long. Life just stretches out and out and out. A line, not a circle. It doesn't curve back and connect with itself, with all those memories of living sitting side-by-side. I can't help but think when someone lives so long, memories begin to fade. And the memories of his mother are so far away. Dot is discussing something that happened at the very beginning of the line, and this job happened at the other end of the line. It's been so long, he doesn't remember his mother and what she would have done, doesn't understand why Dot would mention such a scenario. He can't imagine it because to him it might feel like she never existed.

Dot doesn't know what he means, but she rephrases. She puts it in a way he can understand, "What I'm saying is, it's a choice. You made a choice."

They both made choices in life. He made a choice to take the job. He made a choice, and by doing so, became a threat to Dot. Dot made a choice, and by doing so, became a risk to Munch. For every action there is a reaction. It's natural.

She's not going to yell at him for being the threat, just as he shouldn't yell at her for being the risk associated with that threat. That's just life and where their choices led them. Now they have more choices to make, and she's made hers. She's accepted and forgiven him for being a threat. It's his turn to choose, which means thinking about what he wants.

The look on his face when she says that reminds me very much of the look he sported when Irma asked him what he wanted. Just, pure vulnerability and longing.

Dot guides him forward. She acknowledges his hurt and gives him options. Follow his Code, or accept change. Let his Code become something healthier that will serve him in the long run, instead of being trapped by it like she was.

Hello ! I want to request an OT13 reaction where they fall in love with someone who's scared of falling in love and has kinda trust issues . How they would express their love and prove their love to that person ? Thanks ( angsty angsty hehe )

svt + gaining your trust

➔ request || reaction || ot13

➔ warnings: none || 361 words ➔ notes: fluff, angst; my first thought wasn't angst! i could only think of reassuring moments as they try to win over y/n. i guess it'd be more angsty if they couldn't do that, which is totally plausible when someone's scared to fall in love. i put both fluff and angst just in case :p but i think all the boys really value friendship, so you won't lose any of them as friends.

when he confesses to you and you reject him because you're scared of falling in love, he takes it in stride. the issue isn't because you won't give him a chance. you're just afraid to give chances in general, so doesn't that mean that he just needs to earn your trust? he's not pushy about it. in fact, he asks your permission to court you, and when you say yes, he still makes sure to check in every step of the way and reminds you that he can stop whenever you want. after all, your presence in his life — in any capacity — is more important to him than being your partner:

JEONGHAN, mingyu, seungkwan

honestly, he just drops it. you don't want to date? that's fine, he'll distance himself a little to sort out his feelings, but he won't let it affect your friendship. it's not your fault — don't ever think otherwise. in a way, he is successfully gaining your trust...as a friend and friendships are as important as romantic relationships. if you ever want to risk your heart on him, you already know that you can still be friends afterwards:

seungcheol, WONWOO, seokmin, vernon

he goes over the top, like he has something to prove. and he does: he has to prove that he's willing to take care of your heart. he can't promise that he'll never hurt you — i think it's impossible to never hurt someone in a close relationship, but that's the risk when you want to love intensely. gifts, warm messages, seeing movies together, rearranging his schedule for you. briefly, you wonder if he would move heaven and earth at your word:

joshua, SOONYOUNG, CHAN

he goes quiet and turns inward. unlike some others, he thinks that the issue is with him. yes, you're afraid to fall in love in general, but your admission means that he hasn't won your trust yet. not romantically, at least. he asks you if there's a chance that he could win you over. if you say yes, he takes some time for some self reflection. if you say no, he stops talking about it and moves on:

junhui, jihoon, minghao

Soul Being Trans is just extending the process of soul finding himself out to this metaphor that's clearer and more.. tangible, i think. cause you can track these things - the first idea of soul being trans, soul letting himself be trans, pronouns, transition.... (for trans people obviously) i think "being reluctant to be yourself (trans)" is a bit of an easier idea to understand than being reluctant to be yourself for soul reasons: aka to feel as if all you are is someone else's right. idk. that's not something i've really felt before and i would think most people haven't felt it either. however, with soul being trans, obviously if you're trans it's easier to understand, cause being trans comes with a bunch of shared common experiences you can draw from, like the stage of obvious denial/being an "egg" ("i just think having a dick would be more convenient"/"i'd totally be a girl if i could be but that's impossible hahaaa"/go look at egg_irl RIGHT NOW). yet they're so visceral and specific. just like.

being trans is change. it's finding who you truly are. and i'd bet money the majority of trans people never really felt like themselves or that their body was their own until transitioning. no matter if soul is trans or not, there's a kind of transition he has to do of finding himself and figuring out who he is beyond the static and whole and the role he took. beyond the name atlas. being trans just makes it more literal. if soul is trans you can use the trans markers as easy signs of him getting better, easy milestones.

i like thinking of soul as a sentimental person, a la "do you know god?". even beyond that, names are always sentimental. they're supposed to be the culmination of You. the ultimate label. what everyone calls you, at the barest. not having a name can be seen as dehumanization. (sorry "do you know god?" was just all my name feelings but soul saying them so i'm gonna repeat a bunch of that here.) do you give every plant a name? every crack in the sidewalk? no. it marks something as important. these combine to make soul not really having a name just a reflection of how he doesn't really feel like a person. thus, him with a name would be the rejection of that. it would be him saying "yes, i am important. yes, i am real." it would be triumphant. this evokes being trans, or rather being trans evokes this. giving yourself a name, as in marking yourself a new person. refreshed. this is who i am now, and you can't fight that. not as in completely separate but as in a new state...

it's obvious to make soul trans it just pairs SO WELL

Yes!!! Soul being trans just Works. It is very good.

A name is something that marks something as important, a name almost humanizes or person-izes something, it is one of the first steps to Knowing something or someone beyond just a surface level. In this way, names are also something that gives a word to one's- self, almost. And thus changing one's name, or deciding to, is symbolic of reclaiming that self and deciding to make it your own. So him giving himself a new name would show him deciding that he has a self separate from Whole to give a name to in the first place, and then claiming that for himself and giving a name to it. Marking that self as important, as something real that not only can, but should, be referred to.

And also in a way, being trans would be another thing that marks him as Different from Whole. It wouldn't be another thing or identity piece that he stole from Whole, like a lot of other things are. Whole isn't trans. So that is something that is solely Soul's; not Whole's, not something he stole from someone else or derived from someone else. Something that's just his.

In confronting being trans, Soul could either attempt to reject it (which would just. be a return to the status quo. refusal of the call. etc.) initially or eventually come to accept it. In accepting it, Soul would have to also confront and accept that he is his own entity, his own person, that everything he is isn't just Whole's. He would have to choose something for himself and come to terms with that.

and yeah, most people haven't felt the feeling that they can't be themselves because they are someone else's right, but a lot of people have felt like they couldnt be themselves because they were trans or for other reasons, like you said. Another thing about it (that I can personally relate to, although not necessarily with transness; i do know it can be a concept that is relatable to transness though) is experiencing something that just. completely upheaves and shatters your entire worldview.

It gives you a strong feeling of-- well, where do we go from here? Everything you had ever known was just destroyed, or a large portion of it. What do you do now? How do you remake your entire life without the framework you had previously existed around?

You have to make a new framework entirely. Sometimes you would try to fit things from the framework of your new life into the framework of the old one— but it would never quite fit. I think Soul would have something similar to that in accepting his transness and his own personhood.

His entire life up to this point has been framed around not being a person, being subservient, being a self-made sacrificial lamb, willing and eager for his own slaughter. Where would he go from there after that view of himself, and thus view on the entire world, is shattered? He would have to construct a new framework, which would be slow and painful and awkward. It wouldn't feel right at first. It would feel blasphemous, or like a lie, it would feel untrue and wrong. But it would stop feeling that way so much one day, and making a new framework for himself and the way he sees the world ultimately be worth it in the end. Learning to live as his own person, not just something of Whole, not just Whole's Soul, but his own.

Idk yeah I have Thoughts. It just pairs so well with Soul that it's impossible Not to have Thoughts about it.

y'all asked for it

okay, my bestie went back home, so I have some free time to write a fucking essay about this movie *cracks knuckles*

the barbie movie is not without it's issues, but overall, the movie perfectly points out imbalance, a mirrored world to our own. we have the patriarchy here in the real world and anyone with half a brain can see how unequal it is, for both woman and men. in barbieland, it's a bit more subtle, but it's definitely there and you really only need to lightly scratch the surface to see that.

I've had some people in the notes of my other post talking about how the matriarchy of barbieland isn't near as bad as the patriarchy that ken brought about, but it is bad, just differently than what you'd think. no, barbie's aren't gross and rapey towards ken's but they ignore them and use them just as props whenever they feel like it before ignoring them. can you tell me where the ken's live? because barbie couldn't tell me, hell even Ryan doesn't know. direct quote from an interview:

"We're still not sure what happens to the Kens when the Barbies go home. We think they huddle on the beach for warmth."

this is supported by the fact that when ken brings the patriarchy to barbieland, they don't "dudebro" up their own houses, they do it to the barbies houses. while we're on the topic of them being gross and rapey, some people are acting like that's the most unforgivable thing, but are ignoring the fact that they're only acting like that because they weren't taught any better. they learned about patriarchy from books that said that women have to be subservient, and their whole existence thus far has been them doing whatever the barbies wanted/striving to get the barbies attention, and then discarded when the barbies were done with them.

if you were treated like that, wouldn't you think, hm maybe it's our time to shine? except they did it in the worst possible way. so when I say the matriarchy is just as bad as the patriarchy, THAT'S what I mean. the kens were made to feel like less, just the way women are made to feel like less in the real world.

patriarchy teaches men that they should force themselves/their will onto women and men seen as "lesser" (see: Allen and the rejected Kens). matriarchy is more subtle, in that they used the kens as props and ignored the "lesser" men (see: Allen, and how no one ever really talked to him, not the barbies, and not the kens, who were likely just following the barbies lead.)

following up on the second part of my post: ken was never given any kind of identity outside of being barbie's boyfriend, which is both another stab at "matriarchy bad" and a reflection of how women in the real world are basically taught to put men (and children if they have them) first before themselves, which is so damaging. ken was literally created to just be barbie's boyfriend, she had no say in this, and she doesn't seem to be interested in him in the slightest, other than distant friendship, probably because he's basically an over eager puppy and she feels weird about it. BUT she also doesn't really like him when he's pretending to be all tough and badass either, she is disgusted.

the best part of the movie was that barbie told ken that he needed to find out who he was instead of constantly living her shadow, which I think is a lesson everyone should internalize. you can't know who you are if you're constantly trying to live for a single person, you have to know who you are before you can love yourself or anyone else.

also the story arc of sasha and gloria, such a wonderful one that deserves its own essay but I don't have the time to do so, just wanted to add that it was also a great way to show how both generations feel about this kind of them. us old folks want our childhood back, when it was simply playing with barbies and making up stories, while gen z is sorta jaded and sees everything in black and white instead of the grey areas between

Something really off topic that I just wanted to get off my chest, and I think other people should hear this.

I've been doing a lot of self-reflection lately, trying to understand why I behave the way I do when it comes to forming relationships with my peers. I've noticed that I truly do take my time when it comes to making friends, that its a slow and grueling process for me to even begin to trust someone.

Sure, I can be honest with strangers, but I can't be comfortable around them per say. I can't share a laugh, or ramble on and on about mutual interests, hell I can't even express genuine emotion with people I just met. That's reserved and it takes time to build that connection with me. Its as if I'm assessing a threat almost? Even though I know the person I'm talking to isn't going to hurt me (theoretically at least), I'm still cautious.

Recently the topic relating to this came up with a friend of mine while we were waiting in line, and I used to just chalk it up as me being antisocial and shy. But he rejected that.

"No, you're not antisocial, not at all," he told me, "you just take your time to get to know people, that's all. Nothing wrong with that."

And honestly when he said that I couldn't help but feel sheepish lmfao. Felt vulnerable, but in a necessary sense.

I'm writing this to say that its okay to take your time with people. I used to berate myself for the way I acted around others in social situations, but I realize now that I didn't deserve to do that to myself. I just happen to be more careful, but I think that just makes my relationships with others more fruitful to me. The ability to take my time with each person I meet.

So yeah!! Idk who needs to hear this, but I hope it helped out someone understand themselves a little better. Some times you just need someone to call you out so you can forgive yourself.

Hidden's Life

Life chat beneath the cut, very long x_x

So uhhh it's been... bad. I'll just go with bad. If you don't have mental/emotional/whatever space for Bad, I recommend you stop here. Let's have a quick lil internet hug, and then go be at peace, lmao! Er, I guess trigger warning for mentions of family... problems? Trauma??? I'm not sure how best to say it.

Family Stuff

I'm not sure where to start or how much detail to share, but... I guess it started with my mom asking a favor that was... Totally unreasonable. It was phrased in a way that put the results of decades of her poor decisions in my hands- "This is a big favor I'm asking, and if you don't want to do it, that's fine... But I'll lose my livelihood because of it." This favor would have also dragged me back into her hellish situation with her husband/my father, whom I have been no contact with since I left home for my own safety (like... all levels of safety).

I agonized over it for a week. I didn't want to be responsible for my mom losing her current livelihood. I called around to family, who all told me that her decisions brought her here, and that they all offered help at different stages, but my mom turned it down. That reminded me of the help I offered over the years that was also turned down.

I scheduled an emergency therapy session to talk about it, and my therapist also suggested I say no. She also recommended that I try to help in a safe capacity, which in this case was researching options for my mom. I put hours into scouring the internet, emailing and DMing with services that could help my mom, and compiling notes for her.

I emailed my mom to turn down doing the favor she asked, and I included all of the information and resources I found for her. Within ten minutes, I received an email saying, "This stuff won't work." Ten minutes after that, a second email: "I guess I'm done, then."

Ie, you have failed me, and my livelihood is gone because of you.

To be clear, the ideas I gave her would have solved her problem, but it would have involved effort from her and bringing professionals into her... professional problem. So basically, it's okay if I put in a ton of effort into solving her problem, but it isn't okay if she does. It's okay if I'm dragged way out of what's comfortable for me to help her, but it isn't okay if she does something uncomfortable to solve her own problem.

The emails pissed me off more than the first call. It's difficult to feel guilt after your offer for help was extremely rejected, lmao (which might have been my therapist's goal, ha!). My mom sent me a text that was just... Awful. Basically, "Even though you let me down, I still want to see you." To which I responded that I was unavailable. She sent another text saying that she was knows she shouldn't have asked me and that she was just scared, and can't we just put this behind us.

Again, I was absolutely launched into another orbit by this. No apology, and a demand to avoid all consequences. Mmm, my fave, delicious. I did one of those things where you write a million text responses and delete them until I landed on something that said what I needed to say and nothing else: "I understand you're scared and in a bad situation, but my feelings matter too. I need some time."

So uh... Now I get to figure out how to navigate this. It's been about a week, I think, of trying to just... Not think of that situation at all, and failing off and on.

I want to be a badass, tough, mature person who can navigate this stuff elegantly. I want to be able to see these interactions as the result of my parents' trauma and learned behaviors, things that existed before I was born and aren't really a reflection of me, or even of my relationship with them. But inside, I'm still a hurt kid who wants to be seen as myself, who wants to be apologized to when appropriate, who wants parents who separate their trauma from their relationship with me.

I'm not sure how this will change things between my mom and me. Although I have taken distance from my mom in the past as needed, this is the first time I've come out and said, "Yeah, no, you hurt me bad, and I need to deal with that before I talk to you again." You might ask why that is, when it's surely been warranted. As a child, I wasn't listened to, and was punished for trying- not like, go to your room kind of punishment, but derision and backlash. As an adult, the response has been to... act confused when I try to express anything negative. I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm looking for.

Actually, no, I'm looking for peace. How I find that will be up to me, and I don't know what that means yet.

Insurance/Paying for Therapy

So my last job offered amazing healthcare that 100% covered my therapy. It turns out my new insurance for the fancy new job at the huge, worldwide company... Does not. At all. Cover therapy.

SooOOooOOooo on top of the stress of the situation, I suddenly owed $155 for the emergency therapy session. After joking that I should bill my mom, I texted my therapist, who asked if I have an HSA. Fortunately, I do, and my company puts money into it annually, so I used that, although it's nowhere near as good as a stronger insurance package.

But ugh, I thought this company had a better package! I feel so caught off guard and frustrated. Which leads me to another subject...

Coworker Arguments

Sigh, so I've been working closely with a coworker, and if I'm honest, it isn't going that well. He has had a lot of stuff happen in his personal life that has translated into me stepping up for him, being unable to ask questions I need to ask because he is out, and just generally being sort of... On my own with stuff that isn't necessarily my project, but someone has to get it done! Let's call this coworker Z.

So one of our coworkers recently had a healthy baby and safe delivery, hooray! As I was celebrating in the lab, another coworker brought up how bad health care/family care is in America. Z said stuff like, "Society wouldn't benefit from healthcare (provided by the government, as a right)." I about rolled my eyes out of my head facing the other way, but stayed quiet as Z argued with other coworker. Then, Z said, "Well my wife and I didn't get those benefits when my teenage kids were born, so how would we be compensated?"

To which I sadly, most unfortunately, regrettably blurted, "If we (ie society) have that attitude about everything, then there will never be progress."

Immediately sensing my mistake, I bolted, not wanting to be involved in the discussion/argument. I thought I was safe, but hours later, Z said, "You know, I was thinking about something you said earlier..."

I was like, "Oh, uh- Yeah?" Sensing danger, obviously. So Z quoted me on the above, and then started the most confusing, disconnected series of statements I have ever heard in my life. I genuinely couldn't follow him at all. He would say something, I would respond, and then he would change subject???

At some point, Z said, "Well I think a doctor should have more respect than, say, a plumber, because he was educated more and worked harder to get there."

I responded, "I don't respect people based on their careers, and I have no way of knowing how hard they worked, or what resources they had or didn't have." I was thinking of my friend who worked three jobs to put herself through undergrad, while still drowning in student debt, vs my friends whose parents paid for the entirety of their education through medical school.

Z pivoted with, "Of course we judge people. Otherwise, how did I pick my wife? By your logic, I could have randomly married anyone."

I replied, "That's... A huge false equivalence? You said you judged people by careers, what does that have to do with picking a spouse?" At this point, I said that I couldn't follow the argument anymore and excused myself.

It's been weird between us since. My friend says that I struck a nerve with my comment about progress- I seem to have challenged his ideas about himself without meaning to. The rest of the discussion was probably him being emotional and confused, hence how impossible to follow everything was. And I was getting upset, too. My family, friends, and myself have all gone through a lot that proper healthcare would alleviate, so to be told that society won't benefit from that... To be told that people should be judged based on careers, when careers are so often linked with socioeconomic background/opportunity...

Worse yet, the latest cloning strat he made and passed on to me was incorrect, so I wasted days of work because he insisted I start as soon as the primers came (ie, I had no time to check). This is like the third strat from him that didn't work. I'm going to ask my boss to let me do my own cloning strats from now own, as I have been for eight+ years.

Work

It is so difficult and frustrating! I actually am beginning to see that I do a great job, it's just that the place has an inherent chaos that I am still learning to navigate.

Speaking of, we were reorganized a week ago, and I had to sit through so many ninety minute meetings where they asked the people who planned the reorg their... opinions about the reorg (spoiler: they thought it was God's gift to the company, of course). I still don't know how my day-to-day will be altered, and in fact, I'm finding that a lot of stuff has changed on a, "who do I ask for this service now," basis.

It's such a weird situation, because there is so much opportunity at my new company, and I have learned so much. But it's also a huge mess, every little thing, and it's so hard to do our work because of the crowding issue and people just... Taking shit you ordered for yourself from your bench because it's gone everywhere else. No shit dude, that's why I ordered my own, thanks for that.

At the same time, I'm beginning to see... I have what it takes in a way I didn't realize? I'm deep diving strats and researching what's wrong and coming up with actual, actionable answers. I'm growing and it's extremely difficult and exhilarating and wild.

But like... Should every day be this difficult?????? I don't know what to think, if I'm honest.

Creating

I'll be real here, I haven't been creating or active online for a few weeks, now. I'm going through a lot. I hate hate hate when the things you love most are the first thing to be dropped when you're struggling. If I've been distracted/not present/kind of "off" overall online, please know it's not you at all, it's 100% me and this mess I'm struggling with.

I'm planning to hold off on my next fic update until Odaiba Day, as this is the only way to guarantee I have something for August 1. Um... I can't really promise anything at this stage. I hope you'll understand <3

I hope you're all doing well! Even if I'm not around much, I care about you! Thanks for caring and reading this, you're a beaut! Take care!

My ask is about the golden core transfer and what it would mean for jc. So, if it triggers you, don't read it! I feel the need to alert about this! Be safe!

I don't know you, ( and yes! wwx was just a traumatized teenager!), but the golden core transfer gives me so much negative emotions. Fandom focuses on wwx's pain (and it's interesting! ) but jc's situation is dismissed with "you have to be grateful about it. What a disprectful brat he is" and I am like, dude, you okay? (maybe their opinions are influenced by what wn says, without understanding that what he says isn't the truth, but only what he knows would hurt jc, because he *wants to make jc suffer*). I tried to think about what *I* would feel and I triggered myself, lol. I would get insane if I knew that someone put my brother's golden core in me (transferring organs is okay, but in this? I don't know that it's from my brother! Also when people say that jc agrees to the surgeon, I don't know if they understand the concept of "informed consent") . It's disturbing. I can't even imagine how jc feels about it! How can you live in a body which is modified in this way? Do you feel shame? (this is something a lot of victims feel). And I am not even talking about what this would do with jc insecurities! No one ever appreciated his efforts! Maybe in the moment doesn't , but wn's "you would never compere to him!" would destroy jc! And that's terrible and unfair. And more unfair it's how fandom treats this argument! My loved ones manipulated me for my sake : this doesn't make anything better! I can't imagine jc's feeling. This ask is messy, but my emotions are messy about this. The only thing that I know is that disturbed me the way fandom treats all of this. I don't want to be too harsh but I would see wwx and wq as monsters more then heros for this. And I am not even thinking about how can you trust again someone who did this to you! People can't forgive cheating in a relationship, lol. Oh, and the "jc and wwx's relationship is destroyed by jc's jealousy" : I am like: you okay, dude?? But maybe I am the weird one. Sorry if I seem rude! But this argument just triggers me

Thank you for the warning. 🥰

(Under a cut for both length and content. Reminder that I'm a CQL-only fan.)

Fandom focuses on wwx's pain (and it's interesting! ) but jc's situation is dismissed with "you have to be grateful about it. What a disprectful brat he is" and I am like, dude, you okay?

From what you're saying, I think I'm hearing that while the whole golden core scenario itself is upsetting for you, what's worse is really more about how fandom tends to talk about it. If I'm interpreting that correctly, then...yeah, honestly, I agree. 😕 And it sucks, because I think the characters of MDZS/CQL are supposed to be messy, and there are some truly delicious, nuanced discussions about justice and love and sacrifice to be had! Unfortunately, I've had to be more liberal than usual with the block button to avoid losing my love of the show due to the impact of fandom discourse.

Honestly, I feel like the whole fandom response thing often comes down to a few overlapping things:

a person is inclined to defend whichever character they like more and/or reject the character who reminds them of people who have hurt them in some way, which is totally normal! But doesn't lend itself well to textual analysis so much as an analysis on this how a piece of media affects me personally, which is an entirely different thing;

whether some element of the golden core transfer reflects a personal trauma (e.g. bodily autonomy) closely enough to shape their perspective on this whole episode in a way that's different from someone who lacks a similar experience;

a person's comfort level in allowing a character's actions -- especially a favorite character's actions -- to be complicated, messy, and maybe even morally questionable;

whether or not someone has access to evidence-based, accurate information about larger social issues like abuse, consent, etc.

I tried to think about what *I* would feel and I triggered myself, lol. I would get insane if I knew that someone put my brother's golden core in me (transferring organs is okay, but in this? I don't know that it's from my brother! Also when people say that jc agrees to the surgeon, I don't know if they understand the concept of "informed consent") . It's disturbing. I can't even imagine how jc feels about it! How can you live in a body which is modified in this way? Do you feel shame? (this is something a lot of victims feel).

Tbh, I also have some pretty strong feelings of my own. I talked about some of that here, from the perspective of a religious person whose faith has some distant parallels to Taoism. And as a survivor who hasn't always had a say in what happens to my body, I struggle with some of exactly what you describe when I think about the golden core thing and especially fandom's common responses too deeply. (It's why I'm writing a JC-centric fic like Crashing Like Stars in the first place, honestly, lmao.)

I think what I struggle with most is the pageantry that's shown in CQL: how WWX and WQ have a whole theater around it that somehow feels almost as bad to me as the act of transfer itself, maybe because it shows how much premeditation went into what is, by definition, gaslighting. I always have to skip this scene on rewatches, tbh. The non-consensual core exchange is bad enough; the playacting feels like a humiliation to me.

And I am not even talking about what this would do with jc insecurities! No one ever appreciated his efforts!

True, but to be fair...why should they? As far as most other characters are concerned, JC is unfriendly, probably not very fun or pleasant company to sit down to tea with, very obviously cares more about his own sect than anyone else's**, and has had the reputation of a disfavored son for years. The only reason to make nice with this guy is purely for politics, but everyone else has enough of their own stuff happening that there's no incentive to try giving JC the benefit of the doubt -- which he wouldn't even accept anyway, since he'd probably interpret it as condescension or pity.

**Which is true for everyone, of course, but he doesn't have the charm or charisma to at least fake concern for people or 'play the game' like JGY.

If you mean that fandom doesn't appreciate his efforts...I'm not really sure what to say to that mostly because I'm still puzzling over HOW DARN POLARIZING this fictional character is. 😂 Even his haters can't be chill about him and it's rather fascinating to watch, like a trainwreck.

And more unfair it's how fandom treats this argument! My loved ones manipulated me for my sake : this doesn't make anything better! I can't imagine jc's feeling.

I think a lot of people confuse things like context and motivation for justification, and even more so when it's a family member and emotionally charged beliefs about family relationships get pulled into the mix.

This ask is messy, but my emotions are messy about this. The only thing that I know is that disturbed me the way fandom treats all of this.

Unfortunately, when not treated carefully, discussions about fictional characters can cross into more real-world consequences. I've certainly blocked people less because of a disagreement in interpretation and more because their line of argument betrayed much deeper biases that made me feel actively unsafe, and I don't always have the resources or bandwidth to try educating folks who aren't here in good faith.

I don't want to be too harsh but I would see wwx and wq as monsters more then heros for this.

I think it's a false dichotomy, honestly. I don't think WWX and WQ are heroes or monsters: I think they're young people put in horrific circumstances with limited resources and support, forced to make decisions with no good possible outcomes. Again, not meant to justify anything, but I think recognizing that the things we label monstrosity is, itself, a very human thing to do is the best way to begin recognizing why it happens so that effective interventions, preventions, and methods for taking responsibility for one's actions to encourage real healing can be put into place.

And I am not even thinking about how can you trust again someone who did this to you! People can't forgive cheating in a relationship, lol.

Oh man, forgiveness is complicated. Some people DO forgive cheating and even worse, for a whole host of different reasons and motivations! (Me, I hold grudges for years.) But forgiveness can also be customized to a situation: maybe forgiveness is earned, not freely offered; maybe it means letting go of one's resentment towards another but not letting that person back into one's life; maybe the refusal to forgive is itself an act of self-empowerment because forgiveness was always coerced and guilt-tripped prior to that. But again, we come back to folks in fandom not always having a solid grounding to have productive, informed conversations about this sort of thing, which can lead to some REALLY unhelpful hot takes going around.

Oh, and the "jc and wwx's relationship is destroyed by jc's jealousy" : I am like: you okay, dude?? But maybe I am the weird one. Sorry if I seem rude! But this argument just triggers me

I don't think you're weird at all. 😊 JC and WWX's relationship is thorny and messy and multi-layered, compounded by unaddressed trauma and mutually conflicting coping strategies and perspectives, exacerbated by the people around them playing political games with their relationship because of their respective positions of power. I think JC's jealousy is a factor, but it comes from being constantly compared and found wanting since childhood, and we have multiple scenes in CQL where WWX does something Cool (TM) and JC will do that half-exasperated smile or roll his eyes with a laugh or something that clearly isn't mean-spirited. The evolution of their relationship is made by a progression of smaller decisions on both of their parts in the context of family dysfunction, loss, war, and political powerplays, and I think flattening it down to "JC is just a jealous bitch" or, conversely, "WWX is just an arrogant asshole" does a disservice to WHY these goddamn characters have taken so many fans emotionally hostage, lmao.

LONG STORY SHORT I agree or am sympathetic with a lot of what you say, anon, with maybe some different perspective on other pieces, but I found that MXTX fandoms became a lot more lovely when I began using blocking features liberally (and, frankly, avoiding Twitter altogether).

I watched X (2022) after Pearl (2022) and here's what I thought...

Lord have mercy it's been a while hasn't it? Lets churn out one for the new year! As always: Spoilers under the cut! <3

I'm gonna do this one differently than my usual reviews since I haven't seen the movie in a while, instead of my typical play by play I'm gonna just tell you what I thought and talk about specific scenes. Now, I know this movie was the first in the series, but I was more drawn to the look of the prequel, and I hadn't heard much promo for this movie until my dad watched it alone and boasted to me about it being one of the most fucked movies he's ever seen and I knew I had to watch it. I will say if you're going into this movie expecting some super disturbing gore-fest...Prepare to be disappointed. Don't get me wrong AT ALL the blood and effects are beautiful and i thought the amount of violence was perfect. However don't be fooled. Anyone who says this movie is gross or disturbing or fucked up may just be echoing the point the movie is trying to make.

This movie is about getting older, its about sex and porno and being free but I genuinely think the main focus is getting older.

When we meet pearl she sees herself reflected in Maxine and that's made painfully clear by the choice to cast Mia Goth as BOTH Pearl and Maxine. Pearl consistently watches Maxine almost out of jealousy but I would even argue out of mourning...She's seeing this girl come to her home, This beautiful girl who looks just like her when she was her age, making those movies the projectionist showed her when she was younger. Seeing this girl with a boyfriend who wants to make her a star, with friends...I imagine its painful to a degree...

Pearl repeatedly expresses sexual desires she still has but can't act on them because she's too old...Harold's heart can't take the strain sex would put on it and she has no other outlets as the young adults are either disgusted with her and reject her advances (RJ and Max) or treat her as if she's a child. (Bobby Lynne) I loved these characters so much. While it pays homage to one of my all time favorite slashers, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, It isn't like your typical slasher. These kids are lovable. These kids you want to see make it...Except maybe Wayne. You get snippets of their personalities and their motives as time goes on: Bobby Lynne wants to be a star like the other girls but also she thought about becoming a nurse because her nanna used to get confused. Jackson is a Vietnam vet who actually shows Howard immense respect unlike the typical rude kid persona we see in movies like these. RJ wants to make serious movies and is a cinema buff but he also cares a lot about his girlfriend Lorraine. Lorraine, while being the typical "pure" virgin character, also wants to join in and experience something new. Maxine came from an Evangelical christian household and seems to be escaping that constricting life with Wayne. One thing that I think is incredibly sad is when people mention how "fucked up" this movie is, the focus seems to center not on the gore or effects but...on the fact that it displays the elderly in a sexual light and wanting to still have sex. It's interesting because even in the movie, despite certain characters discounting the elderly couple (Wayne mentions something a long the lines of Harold forgetting how to use his dick) there is this scene where Bobby-Lynne is explaining things to Lorraine, and it's not a main focus in her statement, but she says that in the sex industry nothing matters, gay, straight, your race, or your age. I think we have a really idealized version of MILFs and Cougars, Older women with sexual desires, when we forget that often those "Older women" can look like pearl...

I thought the underlying message of even the elderly can want love and sex was sort of romantic and beautiful? I wish more people picked up on it and I'm certain I'm not the only one who did. It's just strange talking to anyone i know in person who saw this movie talk about it like it's so nasty and grotesque when it seems like the gore is somewhat minimal compared to the typical slashers I know these people watch? Now that's not to discount the effects AT ALL I loved what we did see when we saw it, RJ's blood spatter on the headlights, Wayne getting his eyeballs gouged out (that one actually made me cringe in my seat!) All of these were done pretty well while at the same time having this sort of....at home feel? I'm really not ragging on them i love practical effects and i don't know how much of this was practical but some of the effects feel like someone did it by hand, It felt akin to watching a movie from the 80s vs one modernly. Which honestly could have been the feel that they were going for.

The ending was sooo good too. I loved finding out that Maxine had some sort of tie back to this TV preacher we keep seeing. I loved the scene where she repeats him and you can hear on the TV him speak before her, "Say it with me now!" The one thing I don't like is how pearl turns on her at the end? Calling her a whore and what not however, I don't think this is out of character for pearl, she has a lot of outbursts like this in her prequel movie, the one that i can think of mainly is the scarecrow scene if you've seen Pearl (P.S. if you haven't oh my god?? go watch it?? even if you hated X I think Pearl is a reaaaally good stand alone film!) I do think it was fitting even if i didn't particularly like it. The end where Max drives off, hitting pearl on the way seems soooo fitting too. The comparison of pearl and max through the movie, their confrontation at the end where max wins and hits her with the truck after she falls and breaks her hip...It feels fitting maybe because of how the elderly and the young butt heads...Maybe how the young typically come out the end because the elderly pass away...I don't know maybe I'm reaching too far on this one. Over all a pretty good movie, I'd give it a 7/10 just because it seems like for how people hyped it up and the trailers hyped it up the gore and story elements just didn't scream at me that this was a fucked up movie. It definitely feels like a weaker movie compared to pearl, pearl worked so good as a stand alone film and I feel like X had potential to be that good? I think this was still a very good movie! I recommend it :) --- Post Notes: I'm sorry this one took so long. It's been a while since I actually watched X and I was really worried about this review not being as solid or as consistent as my pearl one. I think it's still all over the place but I wanted to give you guys this because i think there's at least a handful of people that I've kept waiting on this :) If I missed anything and you wanna pick my brain on it I'll respond to any asks or any replies (Note replies are gonna get responses from my main account @playboycreature cause this is a side blog)

Courage. Courage is the word I've been reflecting on today. They say that the road to paradise is through hell. They also say that life sometimes hands you a box full of darkness, which can ultimately turn into a real gift. I've had an interaction with a girl recently where she complained about someone "forcing her" to get out of their comfort zone (she was asked to cover a shift in another store due to sudden shifts in scheduling.): "I wasn't upset that x asked me to do this, but I would've appreciated if they would've prepared me for it. I like the place where I am at, and I do not feel comfortable when it has to be changed." (They do not suffer from social anxiety, they simply enjoy predictability and things being the way they are, every day of her life.) --- I can sympathize with it, but no longer can respect it. Yes, I am a creature of rituals. I enjoy drinking coffee first thing in the morning, and take showers in candle light, little things that makes life feel enjoyable and truthfully comfortable for me. I also have a few rituals I practice at work in order to relax and make myself feel comfortable before a busy day. The same goes with the skincare I apply to my face and body before I go to bed every night. I enjoy comfort, truly. But if it wasn't for the insurmountable challenges and obstacles I have faced these past few months, the constant fear I felt that something terrible was looming in the horizon and was just waiting to slap me in the face whenever I would try to turn a corner, I would've not developed a stronger character and tolerance to life and sporadic situations. I don't think people understand courage much, but it is a valuable trait to develop. Courage is the act of doing what must be done in the face of fear. To do that thing that terrifies you. I can't express how many times I've felt humiliated by my own body shaking whenever I had to stand up for my needs. The amount of times a serious problem came up at work, and I'm left to problem-solve it all alone. To find solace in my own solitude. To move from place to place, not knowing if I'm truly safe, relying completely in my best analytical self and my intuition. Because of these challenges, I have learned a bit more about myself and how to adapt to rapidly changing circumstances. I have also discovered strengths I didn't know existed in me. I am now pushing myself to change aspects of myself I've been the most fearful of --- I have met the paradise of myself because of this hell. I don't think that as a human being I will never not be afraid. But when I see someone so stuck in their own ways, it makes me wonder: Are you really disciplined or are you simply afraid of getting out of your comfort zone? Are you the master you claim to be if you haven't been through the hardest battles? Because, I have come to the realization that real discipline, is the act of facing those things you absolutely fear with courage. It has nothing to do with the repetitiveness of an action. The consistency behind discipline is to keep doing the most uncomfortable thing. To express what needs to be expressed while knowing that you're taking the risk of being rejected or misunderstood. To train your mind into believing that you are in fact capable of getting into the other side, with battle wounds yes -- but also stronger than ever. A few months ago I would've agreed with this person and would've acknowledge their right to staying in a place they find most comfortable, and I'm not one to judge -- it took me this long to even realize these things myself. But I saw the younger 20 something year-old-me reflected in them. So self-assured that I had everything in life figured out... Only to find out that I was masking my deepest insecurities of fear that my weak-mindedness would be seen. I opted in choosing silence and left the conversation at that. There's only so much you can say to a mind that isn't ready to understand what it truthfully means to live and to find success through the darkness. Life will help them find their courage soon enough.

Impostor Syndrome, Or Being a Writer

So lately I've been feeling like I'm an awful writer. That every single word I have ever written is absolute shit. That my stories are bad and anyone who says otherwise is just being nice.

I know that objectively, these feelings don't reflect reality. Lots of people have enjoyed my stories. I have a couple pieces that have been accepted for publication in anthologies later this year. Even still, I'm hit by the feeling that I'll never be good enough.

I think every writer feels like this sometimes, so I'm going to offer some words of encouragement.

Your writing matters. Even if you get a dozen rejection letters, even if you don't get any likes, reblogs, kudos, etc. Even if you never share it with another soul. You know why? It's because you wrote it. You're the only person in the entire world who would put those words together exactly in that way.

Writing is difficult and sometimes you'll feel like giving up. Like you should delete everything and never write again. Don't do it, my friend. What you feel is valid, but remember that feelings are temporary. Take a break from writing if you need to. But don't delete you work. Because if you do, one day the joy of writing will start to make it's way back into your heart, and you'll be sad that the younger you didn't save it.

Write what you want to read. Don't worry about it being too weird, too dark, too fluffy. Someone out there will be ecstatic to read it. In publishing circles, they talk about the ideal reader. The person who will absolutely love your story, who will give it five stars, who will gush about it to their friends. Don't write your story to appeal to everybody, because then it will appeal to nobody. Write your story for that one person, your ideal reader. And if your ideal reader is yourself, that's okay.

Stop minimizing your writing. Stop saying things like "oh, it's only fanfiction" or "it's just smut" or "this is self-indulgent and therefore bad" or "since this wasn't traditionally published it isn't a "real" book/story/piece of art." Stop it. Your writing is important, no matter the genre or your motivation for writing it or how your share it (or don't) with the world.

If you are submitting your writing to publications, you will get rejections. Lots of people will tell you to shrug them off. I'm not going to tell you that. It's okay to be disappointed or be a little sad if your story is rejected. I got six rejections letters for the first story I tried to submit for publication. I was ready to give up, sure that I wasn't a good enough writer to have my stories published. But then I did some edits and submitted it to one final publication. And it got accepted. So acknowledge your feelings, but don't give up. It might take a while, but someday your story will click with an editor.

Sometimes you'll be working on a piece and you'll hit a wall. You'll stare at the screen for hours, wondering why you can't seem to get words on the page. My advice? Don't force it. Take a walk, a nap, a shower. Start another writing project. It's okay if you set aside a WIP for a bit. Really. Every writer is hit by writer's block sometimes. It's okay, I promise. And it can be frustrating and demoralizing, but remember that it doesn't reflect on your worth as a writer or the quality of your story.

Whatever else you do, remember to take care of yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Sometimes this will mean stepping away from writing for a bit, and that's okay.

Dear friend, you are an awesome, intelligent, badass writer. Even on those days you don't feel like it. Those days when you want to throw your laptop or notebook at the wall. Those days when you feel like no one will ever want to read your story. Even on those days, you are still worthy to call yourself a writer. You are still good enough. So keep going. I believe in you.

Can I request some Yan!Sanford general headcanons please? Thank you!

Absolutely! We love Sanford in this household. This man is not ugly Idc what anyone else says.

General Yan!Sanford Headcanons 🪝

(TW: Yandere, Obsessive Behavior, Violence, Stalking)

Sanford is probably the most earnest and genuine when it comes to showing his love for you. Unlike some other yanderes, he actually tries to respect your personal space (at least in the beginning).

He isn't the type to fall in love easily, so when he realized how deep his feelings were for you, it definitely hit him pretty hard. Hard as in he actually had to sit down and reflect on his entire life up until that point. He has it bad for you.

He had the urge to confess to you right away. But he knew the intensity of his affection would probably scare you so early on (especially since you didn't really know him). So he tries to take it slow at first, for you.

Granted, his version of taking it slow is still overwhelming. Having one of Nevada's most wanted suddenly show up and accompany you everywhere was kind of terrifying.

(He was just doing what he always did, except from less of a distance. You look even more breathtaking up close.)

Sanford quickly melds himself into your routine. Walking you to and from work, even visiting you during your shifts to make sure you're doing alright. If he happens to come around close to your lunch break, he even brings you some food!

It's all home cooked too, he's gotta make sure his darling is eating well. And don't try to reject it either, he will feed you himself if that's what it takes.

Your coworkers often observe him just gazing at you with a completely lovestruck look on his face. He just finds everything you do so adorable. Literally anything you do just makes him fall further for you, no matter how menial or insignificant.

Speaking of coworkers, you'd noticed that the ones you were closest with started avoiding you for no reason. A few of them even quit entirely. At least, you assumed they did when they didn't show up for work.

(He's glad they never spoke to you again. He didn't want the sight of their broken bones to scare you.)

He truly believes that you are the one for him. And anyone who tries to come between you two is a threat that needs to be erased. Unfortunately, sometimes words aren't enough for those bozos to understand.

If he has to ensure they comprehend the error of their ways by beating it into them, then that's what he'll do.

The very moment he sees you've gotten somewhat used to his presence, he dials up the affection exponentially. He used to stand pretty close to you in general, but now there's rarely a time when you don't have one of his arms around your shoulders. I mean, you didn't push him away, so you must've been okay with it, right? (Not like he would even budge if you tried, have you seen this man's muscles?)

I hope you're a fan of bear hugs, cause you're getting one every time he meets up with you. He's not one to purr very often, but you're one of the few who almost constantly hears it. He's the happiest when he's around you; he can't help but let the gentle rumbles go when you're pressed close. It also helps that it's so comforting. If it weren't for the fact that he never asks before he locks you into a tight embrace, it might even be sweet.

Sanford also likes to carry you around as well. He wants to prove how good of a protector he is for you, and this is one of the best ways to show off his strength. Plus the feeling of your body against his is something he'd never grow tired of.

If anyone makes even the slightest insult towards you, they better hope you forgive them quickly, because he won't. And if they happen to be found dead in a ditch later, riddled with bullet holes and deep gashes, well, it was their own fault.

Sanford has probably considered getting a tattoo of something that reminds him of you (you know, to really show his devotion). He'd get your name, but (1) that could draw his enemies' attention towards you and he'd rather die than see you get hurt, and (2) that's a bad omen for a relationship in general. He's not that superstitious, but he's taking no chances with you. Every precaution should be taken to ensure that you two never part.

While he's still on the fence about his own potential tattoo, he definitely wouldn't be opposed if you got something to match his double helix.

He's a complete sucker for cute couples items, but not in the cliched way if that makes sense. He wouldn't want to make your relationship too obvious, should any AAHW members or anyone else try to target you. Eventually he settled on giving you a pair of tea shades similar to his own because of just how cute you looked when he placed his on your face.

Just because he won't ever ask to come into your home doesn't mean he won't do it. It just means that he has to be a bit more stealthy than he usually is. This means waiting until you typically fall asleep to quietly pick the lock of a window and slip inside. (Of course he memorized your schedule, that's normal for somebody's significant other to do.)

While he's careful not to touch your stuff, he'll touch you instead. You just look so beautiful, he can't stop himself from tenderly cupping your face and running a thumb softly over your cheek. Sometimes he'll even get into bed with you, pressing himself as close as possible when he spoons you. He's careful not to wake you up, of course. He knows you need your rest.

Deimos and the others back at the base generally know where he is when he goes to see you, but respect his wishes not to get involved in whatever it is he’s doing. Not like they thought it was anything bad. It’s Sanford, he of all people would never do something unreasonable, right?