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hugheses · 3 months

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literally years ago i started transcribing this and then never got around to finishing it but finally did with some help from oomf. pls tell me if you notice any errors!

below the cut:

5-3-21

AJ: We are so excited to have Ellen Hughes hop on the bus with us today. So Ellen, welcome. And to give a little background, you grew up in Dallas, which, a long time ago before the Stars, there were not- it was not a hockey hotbed, as maybe it is now. Played a lot of sports. You ended up playing soccer, hockey and lacrosse, three sports at UNH, made it to the NCAA semifinal game in Lacrosse in 1987, inducted into the UNH Athletic Hall of Fame in 2012. You ultimately pursued a graduate degree at UNH, and while you did that, assistant coached for both the soccer and hockey teams. Ultimately, you made Team USA for the 1992 World Championship, where with Cammi you won a silver, named to the tournament All-Star Team. Two years later, at the Worlds in ‘94, you served as an ambassador to Norway's national team, went on into broadcasting. You were in the booth for when Cam and I won gold in 1998 with CBS and then a sideline reporter for the 1999 World Cup of soccer. Your husband, Jim, is a former hockey player and coach, has worked for the Maple Leafs organization. And of course, you are the uber matriarch, hockey mom of North America because you have three superstar sons. You've got Quinn, drafted number seven overall, plays D for Vancouver. You've got Jack, who is number one overall with the New Jersey Devils and of course, Luke, eligible for the draft this year. So welcome, Ellen. We can't wait to catch up with you.

Ellen: Thanks so much for having me. And thanks for the nice intro. I know, AJ, you see Jack here and there with the Islanders, could you remind him of some of those things, that I actually had a life? And Cammi, I know you've been nice enough to have Quinn over for dinner, not this year because of COVID, but maybe you could give him that whole intro again that, I did something other than just being their mother.

Cammi: Well, you know, it's funny. There is probably, I don't know what it was, maybe four or five months ago, you had sent me a video that you guys found, which we have to post on our social media channel here. But it was you as this little cute, blond, tiny little voice hockey player being interviewed in Texas, of all places, for hockey. Right? A woman, a female playing hockey, let alone kids playing hockey in Texas is so rare. Right? And I remember Quinn texting me and being like, said something about your skating, how bad it was. And I was like, little do all your kids know is that their talent comes from their mom. I've nothing—taking away nothing from Jimmy, because Jimmy was a great athlete himself. But you and Quinn play almost identical. And I'm going to keep reminding him of that.

Ellen: I love it. I love it. I usually get like just one word, dust[?] with things like that.

Cammi: Yeah, well, thank you for being here.

AJ: Yeah, yeah. But I want to start back with the fact that you grew up in a nontraditional hockey market. I know. According to USA Hockey, we’re not supposed to say that anymore because there are all—they don't really consider that anymore. There are so many with the Coyotes and the Stars and the two teams in Florida and Southern California. But when you grew up in Dallas, hockey was not a mainstream sport. I can imagine you had to have been playing on the boys team. Can you tell us what it was like growing up in Dallas then?

Ellen: Well, it's so funny because you see, you know, it's so exciting to see where the women's game has gone. And, you know, you forget how old you are and you kind of forget like, wow, that was pretty unusual what I was doing back then. And, you know, I'm even older than Cammi, so Cammi's older than you, AJ. Sorry to age you there, Cammi. But you forget that what we were doing in those times as young girls and how… you know, unusual it was, because we were fortunate enough to have parents that encouraged us and led us and pushed us and created those opportunities to play with the boys. And it's amazing to think that we did that and it seemed so normal to me. And my dad's been gone a long time, like he used to coach us. But I think about the fact that as a young girl in Dallas, Texas, a nontraditional market, to have a father that said, “Oh, you want to play hockey? Okay, you can play with the boys and you can go do those things.” And just how lucky I was to have a father that created those opportunities and supported those opportunities. And so it's pretty great. But we used to play down at the fairground. So, so people that know Dallas know that, you know, there's a fairgrounds downtown and the Cotton Bowl is played there every year. And there used to be a CHL team. So the old CHL. And so for us, it was very normal. I have an older brother that played and then went off to prep school and played at Deerfield Academy and then played Division three college hockey at Bowden. He could have played Division one, very academically oriented, and that's what he chose to do. So you want to do everything that your brother did. So when we were really little, we moved from St Louis to Dallas, and when I was in St Louis, all I wanted to do was play hockey. But in the state of Missouri, and I may have this factually not correct, but this is what my parents told me, that the girls weren’t allowed to play on boys’ teams in the state of Missouri. So when I knew I was moving, it was on my eighth birthday and my dad said, Well, it'd be great because you can play on- you can play hockey when you move to Dallas. So that's when I was so excited about the move. Like I could go play on a boys team because there was no girls’ teams to play on. And so there's only one team, if you're good enough, you play on the best team. And we would travel to St Louis, we would travel to Kansas City, we would travel to Colorado a couple of times a year and we would go play the best teams that we could possibly play. I just didn't understand at that point that was the world that I was living in, that that was unusual or different. So every once in a while I look back on it and think how fortunate I was to have parents that really not only supported it but encouraged it and let me really sow my own oats.

Cammi: When you were in St Louis, you saw the game of hockey around you. You wanted to play, you couldn't play. Did you play off ice then to be ready for when you moved and were like able to play or did you just start fresh when you moved to Texas?

Ellen: You know, I don't even remember. I was eight, so I don’t- I don't- it I must have been- I must have learned how to skate, but I wasn't playing. I don't really remember playing, like I remember running around the rinks with your brothers. I mean, you know how that is. You play mini sticks at the rinks, y’know. But I always wanted to play. I wanted to play everything. So, you know, I was just… and then off I went and I just started playing and I loved it. And I was fortunate because, you know, Cammi, you never went to Bob Johnson’s hockey school in Colorado, did you, in Aspen?

Cammi: No.

Ellen: I know, because I know you have a close relations with that whole Wisconsin crew. But every summer we spent the month of August in Aspen, and I would do the Bob Johnson Hockey School. So I actually think I did that like, at seven, before I ever moved, and they would always let me play. So it was Bob, it was Grant Standbrook, it was Jeff Sauer, all these people that, y’know, were so supportive of the women's game, Art Berglund who just passed away. And so I would spend my summers there playing and being groomed by the players that played with Tony at Wisconsin. It would have been their generation of players that were the camp counselors and that was right around the ‘84 men's Olympics. And a lot of those guys went on to play in that. So I think culturally that was exciting for me and that's where my passion grew.

Cammi: And you played soccer as a young girl as well.

Ellen: Yes. So soccer: really competitive. You know, we won youth nationals. And I was, I mean, it's crazy to think that I'm going to be 53 years old. And when I was being recruited to play women's soccer, there were 31 Division one schools across the country offering scholarships. And so Wisconsin was one of them. And I really wanted to go there because of my allegiance with that. But they had no women's hockey. So when we— [...]

Cammi: That's where I- me, too. I wanted to go as well. We would have been teammates instead of rivals.

Ellen: Right, at least for one year. I think you were a freshman my senior year. Is that right?

Cammi: Either junior or senior. Yeah. Yeah.

Ellen: [Laughs] So anyway, so the soccer side of things, you know, if you were an elite player, you wanted to go to UNC. My very best friend on the team growing up on my youth hockey, my youth soccer team was Carla Werden, you know her as Carla Overbeck, who became the captain of the team in the first World Cup team. Mia Hamm, I played with on my state team, so we were really good in those days. Brandi Chastain was my roommate at my first youth national team camp for soccer. So that was my, you know, generation of players. And I wasn't recruited by UNC, but I was recruited by some of the other top schools and I had this like, crossroads, where am I going to go to a school like UNH, where there are startup women's soccer programs, but yet I can play two sports. And they were offering me a full scholarship. And the crazy thing is there was no school in the state of Texas that was playing Division one Women's soccer. Think about that. Not a one. I mean, there was 31. I think there's 360 some odd schools, Division one programs at this rate for women's soccer. So that's how the landscape changed and that's how the lack of landscape really drove my next move.

Cammi: So you chose UNH. You played soccer and hockey, but then you also added lacrosse.

Ellen: Yeah. And the interesting thing about hockey is here I am, this girl coming out of Dallas and nobody knew about me. And as you know, Providence at the time, so all the Ivy Leagues were playing hockey and then we didn't have a lot of programs back then that were playing. So it was all the Ivy- it was the ECAC. So it was what, maybe 15 teams playing? How many, 22?

Cammi: Yeah, roughly 22.

Ellen: And so there weren't a lot of options. So there were so many girls playing that wanted to get on those teams. So I remember reaching out to Russ McCurdy who was the coach and saying, “You know, I'm being looked at by UNH for women's soccer, but I'm only coming there because I want to play women's hockey,” and he was like, “Oh, you know, you're probably not going to make the team. You know, we're a fully funded program.” I mean, you know how that goes, right? Right, right. Why would you take a girl out of Dallas you knew nothing about, playing in these, he asked if I was playing women's hockey at that time. And so I had- you know, I wasn't guaranteed a spot, but I'd watched them play, and my mom and dad watched them play. And I really, in my heart of hearts thought I'd be able to play. And they were a fully funded program and my scholarship was coming from soccer. And so, I decided that I wanted to do it. And he said, and I remember having Bob Johnson at the time call on my behalf. He called, he was at Wisconsin still, and he called and said, you know, she can play, she’s been with me every summer, and I really think you should give her a shot. So he said, okay. So the deal was, I was going to play soccer. Well all the women start with hockey, probably—when did we start, in the fall, like in mid-September. And they had the whole training camp, while I was still playing soccer until Thanksgiving. And so I said, when you get done with soccer, just come see me and I'll give you a week to try out, to get up to speed. So he really had no thought of me or like, there was no, like, ‘she's not making this team.’ So we finished soccer and then I went over to hockey and I remember after my first day he said, “What size states do you wear?” So that was like, that, that made me happy. Like that was it. I was on the team, so it was pretty good.

And then our women's soccer coach, Marge Anderson, was one of the most decorated women's lacrosse players in those days. She had played at UMass for soccer and hockey, and she was on the World Cup team for lacrosse. So she would take a couple of athletes a year because in those days you needed female athletes to play more than one sport, to really round out your depth of your programs. So she had encouraged me to come out and play lacrosse. I knew nothing about it. So our first year they had just won the national championship the year before, believe it or not. Did you guys know UNH won the National Women's Lacrosse championship? Different landscape in those days. So they had won the national championship. None of the Southern schools were playing. Nobody across the country was playing. It was a real Northeast-driven collegiate world. And so I walked onto this field and, um, let's just say… I wasn't very good. I could run, but my stick skills- and I learned and I did everything, and it was great, and we went to the Final Four, but I was out at that point. So everybody always says I played three sports like, I was on the team. I was, you know, three sports at that level. I was done at that point and I stuck with soccer and hockey after my first year. But it was a really cool experience.

AJ: Well, a kudos, too, by the way, to go back to something you just said, that McCurdy asked what size state you are. Kudos to UNH for giving you guys skates back in the 80s. I didn't get skates in college until my senior year, which was the fall of 1998. That was the first time I got skates bought for me. So that's, that's pretty good on UNH, I give the Wildcats props.

Cammi: Well, Ellen, you know what? So, Russ, I actually- I was. I was the same, a kid coming from Illinois. So, such a similar story where nobody wanted to talk to me really, until someone saw me play when I went out to the East Coast, I just played with a girls’ team for one game and I got seen by Providence. Other than that, I called Russ. Same thing. No interest, but I got to say, Russ, and I know what he meant to you, when I look at all the coaches that I've been coached with, he coached us at the — at the ‘92 World Championships where you were named best defenseman of that tournament. He taught me a lot, not about, not just about hockey, but just like how to organize yourself off life, how to make your bed every day. Like, there's things that stuck with me from Russ from that one or two, I think, seasons we had him. He was a special guy, you know. You know, I just— he never gets any recognition. He's very unknown. But did you remember that about him? Do you have that same sort of view of him that I do?

Ellen: Totally. And I'm still really tight with him and Sheila. And, you know, when you think about it, for what he did as a male player, you know, in that generation, he was a heck of a hockey player. And then, I don't know what he did, but he left the game and did something, you know, I'm not really sure what he did and came back to the game, but for his stature to come back and coach the women and do what he did, and he coached tennis as well, and he cared so much. He was so passionate about the game, and teaching the game, and teaching away from the game. And he cared so much about the people, you as a person. And I always laugh because, you know, Quinn had Donnie, you know, your brother, at the NTDP. And he reminds me a lot of Donnie. I don't know if you feel that way, but-

Cammi: I totally feel that way because as you say, first of all, from a mental standpoint, they're both like, they help you so much with the side, the mental side, and also the skill based stuff that Russ taught us. He goes beyond the game and I feel, yeah, it's really interesting that you say that because I can see that as well.

Ellen: And it's just the, you know, some people have their skills and then some people like, have different skill sets. And I feel that the best of the best try to cover all the different skill sets and really get to know the different human being and try to push the buttons. And it doesn't work for everybody. Not everybody would feel that way, but he was an amazing man and still is an amazing man. And I also think it's funny because one thing that, you know, I don't know how you are with the kids, but this sticks with me. And I don't know if you remember this, Cammi, but the interesting thing is, I've seen my boys be taught that same lesson from coaches at a younger level, and I can particularly say the NTDP level is: get up every day and make your bed. You've accomplished one thing. Do you remember that from him? And then it was either Donnie-

Cammi: No! Always.

Ellen: Or Wroblewski that I remember had Quinn and Brady, like, make your bed every day. And then I saw with, with Jack and Luke. Like, “we got to make our bed every day because that's orderly” and like, little things like that.

Cammi: Well, I got to say, Ellen, that stuck with me for— still to this day, I think of Russ when I make my bed. I'm not kidding. And I tell the kids the same, like if you just… and it resonated with me. So like, I don't know, it stayed with me. It resonated with me when he said it. And then his… just his stuff about practicing skill. And we hadn't really done that so much, as an, I guess where we were at Providence. Like we would just go practice, but like, he was working on skill-based stuff. He’s a very smart man. So I'm happy to hear that you're still in touch with him and you felt the same way. But I love that we're both making our bed because of Russ McCurdy. You taught your kids that.

AJ: I obviously didn't have Russ, I obviously didn't have Russ McCurdy, you can see behind me in my hotel room here. So I do not make my bed every day. And I know the value of it, but yeah, no, never had a coach who told me that.

Cammi: He was pretty special.

Ellen: Then. AJ, I was thinking about when you said about getting skates. I don't know how you guys were, but how would your shot be today? Like when I was playing, like, of course I couldn't shoot the puck because we would take the old men's sticks that were wooden and they would cut them down for us. Like, how would I have any flex on the stick?

AJ: Right? Right. So stiff. And it's like, it's crazy when you think about that, and the technology. And even when I did get a pair of skates, when I came back after the Olympics and played at Harvard, they were so much lighter. They were just… the material and everything, and then you look at the sticks and it's crazy. I mean, I never played with the one piece that they have now, that was just coming out when I was at the tail end of my career. But I remember I tried them, but the puck was all bouncy and I didn't like them. But you think about how quick the release and all the kick point on those sticks, that technology's insane.

Ellen: Right? You also think about how great the women are and where they're at. Like we didn't go in the weight room. We did not go in the weight room. The weight room was not for women's sports.

AJ: Our coach actually, my first year at Harvard before Katie Stone took over, he actually thought weightlifting was unbecoming for women. He didn't, he didn't book us. He wouldn't let us go in weight room. It was a, it was sort of an off limits thing. So he was a lovely man. But it was… not appropriate.

Cammi: Well, our Providence College coach, John Marchetti, who I love, I have always loved him as a coach. We had to beg him to just get us to get in shape. He thought women, that was just the way it was at the time. He was old fashioned and women would skate from the blue line in, so we would have half ice practices. And I was like, “We're out of shape. Like we got to skate!” “You guys don't need to skate full ice.” And it was literally all great intentions. Wonderful man. But that's what he felt. And I mean, think about that. Like I tried- it blows people away to think that that was the way it was. But that's how we were viewed as women. We can't exert ourselves the same way as men. And we were begging him to.

Ellen: Okay, now I know why we won, then. Why we beat you? Because we skated. [unintelligible]

Cammi: You didn't. You didn't beat me. Did you beat me when I was there?

Ellen: I don't know.

Cammi: We won. We won. I think we went the last year. You remember freshman year. I think you beat us in the finals. I think we[...]

Ellen: I think we met four years. Was just super cool, but I only — I was there five years. Much shorter. One year. But we went three years.

Cammi: Okay? We went three years. So we must have crossed over. And you beat us once? Yeah, you beat us. Let's get into the hockey mom stuff because I think a lot of moms are interested in the landscape of sport. Our kids that are passionate about anything. And it typically it's like, well, we know the sports world, but I mean, nowadays it's, it's everything. Like, whether it's music or some sort of non-sport, a passion that someone has. We're always trying to get our kids to pursue excellence. And AJ and I have talked a lot on this podcast, how sometimes things are flipped a little backwards and we're a little bit out of skew right now with the way we push our kids and just how fast they're put through the system. And you had three boys that you raised with Jimmy, who are now… two are NHL superstars. One's on his way. How, what was it like in your house? How did it start with the kids? What were you like as a mom and Jimmy as far as like, having, cultivating that for them?

Ellen: You know, it all seems like a blur. You know how that is, right? You're in the middle of it, both of you with young kids. So you're just day to day. I mean, you're day to day, right?

Cammi: Survival.

Ellen: Right? It's survival mode. So for me, you do things that you enjoy or you- you teach them things that you feel like you can teach them, Right. So it's kind of a slight on me that I wasn't more worldly and wanting to take them to museums. Or maybe like I felt like I had do those things because like, ‘Oh my God, what am I teaching them?’ But you tend to do the things that you - you're trying to find activities. Jimmy was off coaching a lot, I had three young boys that were really close in age. So what do I know? What can I do to pass time and keep them active? It was kicking a soccer ball. It was throwing a ball, it was doing rollerblading, it was passing the puck, it was taking them skating. So for me, those were mommy and me activities, right? And then every once in a while I'd be like, you know, I'd be like, ‘uh, we got to do Kumon, we gotta do like - we gotta read.’

You know, academics was really important to me because I felt like I was so driven the other way that like, I didn’t want to miss out on the other. So for us, it was never this grandiose plan, and I'm sure you guys were the same way. It was more like, ‘be the best at whatever it is you're doing, work your hardest at whatever it is you're doing.’ Working the hardest didn't mean scoring the most goals. It was playing the right way, whatever it is, being a great teammate and working really, really hard and we always felt like the other would come.

AJ: Do you feel like with your boys having you as a mom, Jim as a dad, did they feel pressure to perform on the rink?

Ellen: I don't think so, because we never put pressure on them. We would put pressure on them to work hard and play the right way. I mean, there were days I can remember with Quinn when we moved to Toronto, we were like “Ah, he’s doing pretty good, he’s a pretty good little hockey player. This is good.” Like, hmm. And we were coming from New Hampshire and Jimmy taking the job up in Toronto and we got there and I remember Jimmy going somewhere and he's like, “He is not even in the top 300 players in the city.” Do you know what I mean? Like he was, this thing was not—

Cammi: Was that what age? What age is that?

Ellen: He probably would have been… I'm trying to think when we moved. So Luke was born six, seven, eight, maybe? He was in first grade. What grade are you in first grade?

Cammi: Yeah, about seven or seven. Seven.

Ellen: And we thought he was doing great, but we never cared. What we would just say to him, like, and he was on a good little team and we would get beat by Ryan McLeod, who just played with Edmonton in and, and, Strome was on that team, Matty Strome, the youngest of the Stromes. And those two were like, I mean, I mean, they would score five, six, seven goals and I would be in awe how good they were at a little age - at a young age. So what we would do is we would just put them up against the best in the spring and in clinics and have them chase, try to be the best you can be. It was never like, “why aren't you that good” or “why are you scoring” or - and, you know, Jack was a little bit different. He came in and he was playing up a year with the older kids, you know. And Luke, we didn't even think about, like, third child, he's probably benefited the best because we were just trying to get the other two other places and we didn't even know how he played or what happened. And, and I think that was the other thing with them. You know, Jim was so busy working that we didn't watch ‘em practice. We didn't, you know, I might drop one at a the game and try to get to the other one to the game, to get to the other one to the game. So they had to self evaluate at a young age and really decide how they played. You know, you guys are probably the same way with your busy schedules.

AJ: Yeah, it's interesting. I look at it like I'm at the Nationals right now with my daughter Jamie, and talking to some of the parents last night and they were asking me like, what did you think of the game? And we were talking about it. But they don't watch far more than I do because I travel. So, you know, they're asking me, knowing that I have a hockey background. But it's to your point, I love coming to watch my kids play, but I really feel like I can just watch them and enjoy. I'm not coaching this year and it's a really- it is fascinating because I do feel like my kids have sort of they'll tell me how they played and, you know, usually they're tougher on themselves. I mean, I think most kids or most athletes are probably tougher on themselves anyway. But when- like as a hockey parent, I'm surrounded by people and you see all the studies about the low percentage of players that will make it from youth hockey to even D-1, let alone the NHL. You have three kids, three boys, two that are gone first round. Luke obviously is on his way to the NHL. So at what point did you think they were going to make it? Like, was there a time like you're talking about when Quinn was seven and you guys were just trying to have them compete? But was there a moment where you were like, wow, our - our kids are legit?

Ellen: You know, there was a point where I said, All right, this is good. Like, they're going to get to Division one college hockey. Like, I was pretty pumped. And at the end of the day, there's a point where you say you can only provide so much information and now they have to have their inner drive. Now that's gotta kick in. And I think for each one of them, that was when they got to the program. So for junior hockey, I guess, would be the equivalent. And I think it's the every day focusing on getting better, doing I mean, living it, eating it, not liking it, loving it. Y’know? And there's kids who get better from 18 to 20. There's, you know, you got to keep getting better. Doesn’t matter if you're the best at 16 or 15. So I saw my kids take different paths, you know, and just staying to have fun and having fun. Having fun is everything, as you know. You know, I mean, it's got to be fun. I mean, Cammi, you have two sons who are elite little soccer players, but if they're not having fun, that changes their drive for wanting to get better.

Cammi: Fully and if it's not cultivated as well, I mean, you have to have the right people above you and leading you and coaching you to believe in just playing and not just playing for- to be this best. There's a lot of pressure on kids these days and I think about your boys and knowing your boys and, and getting to know Quinn better since he's been out here as a person. Your kids are such great people. They're so well-balanced. They're such they get it. Like when they met Reese and Riley, my sons, they get it. They look kids in the eye. They joke around. They look adults in the eye. I mean, there's- they're just great kids. The other thing I noticed about them and and before I let you comment is when they play, when things are not going their way, they go straight ahead, like there's no pouting, there's no emotion. I mean, of course, we get emotional about the game, but as far as like, you know, what you taught them, like, where did that come from, that confidence and that humility and then that just that drive inside to just keep going?

Ellen: Well, you are awfully kind. And, you know, it's like, up and down. You know how parenting is right. And, you know, for me, it's the competitiveness. You both were uber competitive, Olympians, got to the highest level, accomplished so much, gold medals. So you know, that competitiveness. So you instill that in your children. You don't realize that you're doing it, but it just organically happens. Right? I'm sure. And AJ I see some of the fun things that you do, but I'm sure it's competitive at dinner, whether it's, you know, Boggle that you're playing or - I aged myself. But you know what I mean? Or Jenga that you're playing or if it’s a race, or- everything is a game at my house! Like, Luke and Quinn this summer. We had a lot of time together and they're creating a game out of nothing in the pool. We're like - Jack and I are looking at each other like, ‘What are those two doing?’ Like, it's games and there's a winner and there's a loser. So for me, I think it's more about they really care about winning. They really want to win. And in everything’s a team sport and they wanna - They take it personally. They want to be the best that they can be to help their team win. You know, whether it's giving something up and feeling bad about that and wanting to get it back. And that's probably the same mindset both of you had as Olympians. Is that fair to say?

AJ: Yeah. I mean, I think that that is, you know, the ultimate drive to compete is something that I'm not sure can be cultivated. Right. I mean, I think you but what what is so impressive about your boys is that the balance that Cammi’s talking about. Right. That confidence and that drive to compete coupled with the humility and on seeing them being interviewed, seeing the way they carry themselves at a very young age, that that's what I think is, you know, you and Jim should be very, very proud of. But I do think that that drive to win and it's not win at all costs, but it's win whether it's the right way or as a part of the team. I think that that is something that can be very unique. And obviously they come from two very competitive elite athlete parents. So they were, they were given that at a young age. I was just reminded while you were- we were talking about Quinn, last year in the playoffs, do you remember getting a text from me Ellen, when I talked about in on the broadcast, I talked about Quinn, he was so relaxed playing the power play that it was like he was playing shinny hockey. S H I N N Y and I got blown up on Twitter that people thought I said he played S H I T T Y hockey. That I was like, ‘oh my God, the Hughes family hears me on NBC telling like’ and it was a compliment. I mean, it was like the utmost like, this is amazing how great he is that, you know, as a young player in the NHL playing with this sort of poise but also like freedom, he just plays with his freedom. And I'm sitting there thinking and my producer was like, “You can't use that term. That's such a hockey term.” Like, who doesn't know shinny hockey? But anyway, that was just so.

Ellen: So I laughed at that when I got your text and I think I wrote back like, “it's okay if you ever want to say he's saying the other - the S H hockey too.”

AJ: I would never say that.

Ellen: You know the game, you're allowed to say that and we would be just okay with it. We would probably agree with you.

Cammi: So when you're watching Ellen, when you get to watch your kids and I know I've texted you before, I'm like, I wonder if she's still up. But of course, you're watching the games when you're on the East Coast and you're watching them and watching the West Coast games, probably late at night. Right, with Quinn. And... can you relax? Like, are you feeling like now? Like you can relax? Is it still, like, feel intense? Like, what's the feeling that you get as a mom? You know, I know Luke’s on his way, but like, do you get to see you get to enjoy it all? Do you get to sit back and enjoy it?

Ellen: Let me ask you this. When you watch Riley play and it's a big game and [unintelligible], how do you feel?

Cammi: So do you feel like at every game - do you feel like that every game?

Ellen: Well, your logic tells you it should change.

Cammi: Yeah.

Ellen: But I think it's just your competitiveness. But I can tell you this. Now my oldest two are at a level where I don't get involved in the hockey anymore, I just really try to be a support system. They don't need to hear from me when they get to the next level. You don't know how many people are badgering them or bothering them or sending texts[?]. And you know, they got here because this point, they got here and they're driving their own business. They don't need to hear from me. Now, do they… Do they lean on Jimmy with hockey? Do I know a lot about hockey? But I just need to be a different support system for them. You know, I need to be an outlet for them and someone that's not going to talk about hockey unless it's something specific. Does that make sense? Like when I talked to Quinn today, it wasn’t about last night's game. It was about other things, you know, he's got enough of last-

Cammi: That makes sense.

Ellen: And he's got this - he doesn't need to hear from his mother, that that ship has sailed. Does that make sense? And I don't mean that in a negative st-

Cammi: Totally, because.

Ellen: It's just that's not what they need and, and that's not what I want to be that - be there for them. That type of support system.

AJ: I don't know how you got away without having one of them play goalie. I'm just going to leave it out there.

Ellen: Well, Luke. [...] Luke in net. and I was telling this to someone the other day, I mean, I got funny stories, like when you say, oh, you guys were great parents. I'm like, Oh, really? Like the time I showed up for this massive tournament with Jack and Jimmy's taken everybody's skates sharpened and I got everybody’s skate sharpened and he was off somewhere. I was going to meet him at the university. I'll tell you one story. So this is just typical. So their cousin was playing for B.C. and we wanted to go to a college game because we want to expose these kids that were growing up in Toronto to what college hockey was, so that that could be an option. So we took ‘em to see B.C. versus Michigan, their big cousin. We're driving down and Jack had this massive tournament, which we thought was massive as a you know, you always think these youth tournaments are massive and have grandiose importance, sorry, because you are at nationals and that is important with your daughter AJ. So Jimmy had said, I think Quinn was going to play in Michigan. And I said, okay, I'll bring the boys down I’ll get the skates sharpened and then Jack and I will leave after the game. We won't tell his coach that, like, we're getting into a hotel in London at one in the morning to drive around- around the lake to get to Buffalo for his 9 a.m. game. So I'm driving to Michigan first so he can see his cousins. And then whereas all the other parents are in Buffalo for that 9 a.m. game spending the night getting a good sleep right. Well I let him come watch his brother play. I left two hockey bags with Jim, of Luke's bag and Quinn's bag and I, Jack and I left after the game. We got into London at like one in the morning. We went to sleep. We got back up at six and off he goes for his game. When we get to Buffalo, I'm like, ‘This is great. I did it.’ And they're playing. I think they're playing Shattuck St Mary's and Oliver Wahlstrom is on the other team just to give you a few names. Right. So because he's an Islander, right AJ?

AJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had a goal last night.

Ellen: And it was a non parent coach. So you don't talk to these coaches. I don't think I had a conversation with them and they're young they’re- I don’t know Jack was an underager so he's playing up a year. And so the coach calls me. He's like, “ Umm... We've got a problem. Can you come back to the locker room?” So I go back to the locker room and he goes, “Ummm Luke skates are in Jack's bag.” You know what that means? Where are Jack’s skates? In Luke’s bag or God knows where, right? So I'm like, agh and they're like, “Where are Luke’s skates?” And like, I think he - I left his bag in Toronto. So at this point. So I look at Jack, I'm like, “What you want to do?” and he goes, “Find [buy?] me some skates.” and I'm like, “Okay, what size are your skates?” So I go around, I find the Chicago mission, and if he was in CCM some guy had a Bauer of a size four and a half or five or six or whatever he was in, and they're like, You can borrow these skates, but our game is offset from yours so you can only play until we need the skates back.

Cammi: Oh my God.

Ellen: Right?

AJ: I'm like, my stomach's dropping listening to this. I know.

Ellen: So he’s in these random skates and sorry to go off on a tangent here, but you saying you were great, You know, we do the same things that everybody else does. So it wasn't a completely tightly run ship. So. But maybe that's the adaptability. So Jack goes out and he plays two great periods, and all of a sudden I see this guy walk around and you see them take Jack's skates off. And this is a tight game and it's a big tournament. And he sits on the end of the bench with no skates for the third period. So here you are. We both have - we all have husbands. So Jimmy’s like, “How was the game?” I'm like, “He played great for two periods and let's just leave it at that.” He's like, I was. [unintelligible] But so anyway.

AJ: Yeah, I think that's building resilience. I think you're right. There is something to be in moment. It's- that's the worst feeling possible. But in retrospect, it's a great story, right? And it's one period of hockey that-

Ellen: [unintelligible] five like that running down the coach whenever Jack's hockey bag and his helmet was sideways like, I hope you guys have stories like that.

Cammi: Oh, man. You know what is funny is, those- that's just part of sport and part of the life where you have that happen. But I do as a kid, remembering, feeling like there was nothing more important. And I remember my brother Tony had just got his license. He was driving me over to a friend's house that was going to take me to an away game. It was about 45 minutes away. He went through a stop sign with just skated through a stop sign, hit the front of another car. I'm in the front seat. No seatbelt at that time. Right. And the first thing he goes, “You okay?” and the first thing I said is, “I'm not going to miss my game, am I?” And sure enough, we had to drive home. Somehow we got home. My mom is pregnant with my younger brother Joey, eight months pregnant, and I somehow cried my way into making my mom get in our trans van massive truck with Tony in the passenger seat, driving through snow to get me to the game, which I got there in the third period. But it was to me it was like, I know that feeling like it's- you cannot miss, you cannot. And I see with my kids too. So yeah, those are the best. Some of those are the best memories actually, right?

Ellen: I'll give you one.

AJ: We spent about five and a half hours driving down here to Philadelphia. My daughter, I think, checked nine times to make sure her stuff was in the bag because I had to. She was at school and I had to get it. She does not trust me at all. I'm like, okay, yeah, you just make sure you got two- a right and a left skate in there.

Ellen: I'll give you one last story. To just - to say, like, like here I am, a hockey mom, thinking I’m going to teach my kids to skate. So when Jimmy was coaching in Boston with Robbie Ftorek, I didn't have Luke yet, so Jack... Quinn must've been three. So I wanted to have some one-on-one time. You know, with your first child, you feel like you have your second child and you just need some one-on-one time. So there was free kindergarten skating at the Reading arena. And so we were living in.. in uh.. oh my god I can’t even remember - right around the corner from there. So anyway, so every Tuesday I would take Quinn to skate and that's how he learned to skate. Like it wasn't like I was teaching him strides, I was teaching him to skate. I was getting him on skates. So I was really proud of this kid. He’d gotten off his crates that he was pushing and blah, blah, blah, blah. And at that point Robbie's parents were still alive. Steve and Ruth and they were amazing. And we would go to the games and, and so they didn't live far from there. So they wanted to come watch little Quinn that they see at the Bruins games skate. And I was so proud that I’d taught this kid to skate y’know, he was standing up on his own, he was pushing, the whole bit. So Steve comes out who had taught Robbie how to skate and Robbie was a great skater and I'm like this particular day, Quinn is terrible. He must have been three. Like he just looked like he had two left feet. I’m like, “he's not skating like, I swear, like he could skate, like, something's not right.” And Steve goes, “Ellen, I think his skates are on the wrong feet.” And they were! Do you know how little skates are? Yeah. How would you know? Like [unintelligible]. So we laugh about that story. So, Quinn doesn't know. He can't communicate to tell me that his skates are on the wrong feet. We sit him down, like literally in the doorway. We switch his feet and off this kid goes. And he's pushing and like a little three year old and he's doing great. So that's one of my many [unintelligible] stories.

AJ: But just to make you feel better, I did that to my son Sam, when he was however old, probably five. We went skiing. It was ski boots on the wrong feet. He kept telling us his feet hurt. And we basically were like, You're fine. It's just ski boots they hurt. And the end of the day I was like, Oh yeah, no, they really hurt. That's actually a legitimate point. So been there!

Cammi: Before we wrap up here and get to our rapid fire, I just wanted to ask you about the couple of times where I've seen the boys play tog- Well they played together on the World Junior team and it was in Vancouver. Jack and Quinn played together. What was that like and what was it like when they played their first NHL game toge- against each other for the Jersey Devils and for the Vancouver Canucks? Can you take us through those two times and what it felt like?

Ellen: Yeah, that's great. I mean, the- we had the fortune of them playing together at the World Junior Showcase up in Kamloops the summer before, leading up, kind of the tryouts. So I think that was my first experience. It was great. It was great. Really competitive. They played together. They were on the same PP that was a ton of fun. They were on the ice together a lot. Then the World Juniors that- in Vancouver, that was great too. But Jack was injured, so he was kind of in and out of the lineup, but it was just really great for them to be able to, as- they're so tight, they're best of friends, all three of them. So I think it was more letting them have that experience together and you know, you're disappointed for them in the way that the outcome was because they were so close to winning a gold medal. But it was super cool. It was a lot of fun. And then when they played against each other it was super special, I think for our family, just because it was the first time we got to share something like that with our whole family, we had a huge crew there. The Devils were nice enough, they were amazing. They had a box there and we were able to have all Jim's extended family there from the Northeast, which is a huge group of people. And Jack happened to score his first goal that night. So that was a relief and great and exciting. And then the next time they played together Cammi we went with you. You had the boys and Ray, and that was a great game, too, right? That was a lot of fun. I think the biggest thing is I like it better when they're not on the ice at the same time, especially with one being a D and one being a forward. I prefer, and it's hard to watch them. I don't know who you guys are, but AJ, your daughter right now at Nationals, is a stay at home defenseman so you watch all the D and you have a good feeling. It's really hard to watch two positions let alone two teams play.

AJ: I agree with that when I think about what you're, what you went through, with that and it's not even allegiance of which team you want to win. It's more what they're doing individually and you can't focus. I think that must have been so cool. Was there added pressure on the boys? Did you notice any nerves that night playing against each other?

Ellen: No, but I don't know what kind of side bets there were. Like. I'm going to need [unintelligible] Haha I could have used a girl so I could get a little more information, a daughter y’know they’re a little more forthcoming. I think it was exciting. They were both very young. I mean, it's crazy to think they entered their rookie year together. I think as they, y’know, hopefully have a really long, sustained career. That's your greatest hope for all of these players that play in the professional sports is to be able to stay healthy and have a long, sustained careers. So I think as they age and- it'll be more and more fun to watch it evolve.

AJ: Now we're talking about Quinn and Jack. Is there. Do you think that there's added pressure on Luke right now because of the successes that his brothers have had?

Ellen: You know, it's funny because I always worried about that with Luke, like, you know, as a parent, you know, I want them to all be successful in their own right. I want them all to have their own passion. I want them to care about school and do well in school and so, you know, you're always like, which one needs what someone will, you know, whatever it is you want to try to support them. And so Luke was really small for a while and he was playing against kids that had already hit puberty. And- and you know, I know you dealt with that Cammi with Riley and then he took off and he blew them like his whole game was a new you know, as soon as that- the playing field was evened. And that's a hard thing to try to nurture them through, you know, like, “just keep going” and “it's okay,” and “you’re gonna have your man strength,” and “you’re gonna have more separation speed because of that,” so Luke was really young and I mean, it took him a while before he grew. And so I wondered in my heart, like, is there pressure on him? Does he feel bad about himself? Like, I didn't know, you know what I mean? So then he made the program, which he just kind of started to take off.

Never in a million years did I think he was going to be 6’2” like you could’ve- I would never. I mean, he was who would have thought he was going to tower over his brothers? He was so late. So we used to talk to him about it, you know, and I used to try to ask, but it's hard to get information. But he drove his own bus and he had his own inner desires and his own inner strengths. And it never seemed to faze him or bother him, which, you know, was- we tried to communicate about it like you guys would as parents.

Cammi: It's so wonderful. I just love your whole family. I love everything you guys have instilled in your boys. I love watching them. We're such you know, we've grown so much closer. We get to see each other more often. And I just yeah, I commend you and totally appreciate all the insight that you've given us today. We've kept you a long time on, but we have our not so rapid, rapid fire, if you don't mind answering some rapid fire questions you can answer ‘em slow or fast. It's up to you. AJ and I seem to go the slow way sometimes with our long questions. But let's put you in the hot seat.

AJ: So, yeah, this means you're coming to the front of the bus. So I don't know if that in the bus or trips that you went on that meant you were in trouble. But I'll say that just.

Ellen: Time out before you go. Where were you guys on the bus?

Cammi: I was in the back on the right, about maybe three seats from the bathroom, two or three seats from the bathroom, and AJ was up front.

AJ: I was more like middle, but on the other side. So it was like.

Cammi: You were like two rows ahead. Yeah. Yeah, where were you?

Ellen: Cammi. I think I was right where you were.

Cammi: Yeah. Okay

AJ: Not quite far enough back for, like, all the crazy card games and everything like that, right? That was always our bus. There was a lot of shenanigans in the way back of the bus. Actually maybe our rapid fire should be called Go to the back of the bus. That might be a little I don't know, might be a little different. All right. So here we go. Let's start. What is your favorite youth hockey, or any sports since you played a lot of sports, memory?

Ellen: Probably winning the national championship with the Dallas Sting in soccer, which still today is one of the premier club teams in the country.

AJ: Oh, that's a good one. How old were you?

Ellen: I was probably 15. And then one other thing is we went to China when I was 15. That was a pretty cool experience. Before women's soccer had a national team and they were playing, they were having their first international tournament. And since we had won the club championship they sent us, which is amazing to think they sent a bunch of women to China to play in an international tournament. You know.

AJ: That’s very cool.

Cammi: How’d you guys do?

Ellen: We won it.

Cammi: You're kidding.

Ellen: There's actually someone that's trying to, I just get the emails, that’s trying to make a movie about it, because it's pretty unheard of.

Cammi: It's amazing.

AJ: That is amazing. So we didn't really get into this. The one thing we were carrying our time up for is that you had the good fortune of having all of your boys home during COVID. Maybe a silver lining to what was going on in the world. Everybody got to be back under one roof. But when everyone's home, what's your go to family dinner?

Ellen: Oh, our go to family dinners, steak. They are all about steak. So steak and pesto pasta with a spinach salad is the go to. They would eat steak every night.

AJ: Oh, that sounds good.

Ellen: Cammi, Quinn’s cooking [?]. Believe it or not, [unintelligible]. When they're allowed to go places next year in Vancouver over you and Ray should-

Cammi: I can keep him honest for that?. Yeah, I know I will definitely. If I know that now. What is he cooking in these?

Ellen: Cooking steak and lots of he cooks some, tuna ahi tuna and lots of peppers and veggies and that's a good thing about COVID. Is that most of these young kids have learned to cook, which is amazing.

AJ: That is amazing. That's actually that is another- that's a good silver lining. I know. Speaking of your three boys, Quinn, Jack and Luke, which one was most mischievous as a kid.

Ellen: And I mean, you know how it is, it's a three month cycle like, just like one needs your attention more than the other when they were little. But um… Quinn and Jack together? This is not rapid fire, but I can remember when they were really level and I don't know. And I've already taken up too much of your time. But I remember Jimmy had taken off to Toronto and, oh no, then he must have been littler than this and Jimmy and I, Luke was just born, maybe six months old, and we heard this rustling. You know, you have that in the baby room, on the other room. And I don't know if this has happened to either one of you. And I'm like, it was like six in the morning. You're trying to get sleep, and I heard something. I mean, “Jimmy, what is that?” You know, So we listen to the voice and they had this grandiose idea that they were going to throw the baby out of the crib, Jack was inside the crib, picking up Luke to hand him off to Luke- to Quinn, who wasn't big enough, it was going tobe a drop outside the crib. So let's just leave with that. Right?

Cammi: How old were they? How old were they when that happened?

Ellen: Luke was under one because he couldn't get out, right? I mean, it was not a great plan. Then. Thankfully, we rescued them.

Cammi: So if you would have had that nanny cams that are the baby cams, that would have been brilliant to have that on video.

Ellen: Right.

AJ: Good. Some Hughes boy mischief. I like it. Now, of the three, who is the most competitive?

Ellen: Probably, I don't, I can't.

Cammi: Can’t choose, you’re a mom.

AJ: Yeah no I actually we were just talking about the drive to win and everything. I understand that. But it's all three, I guess. Now we you, you mentioned being nervous still, when you watch your boys play, what can you remember being the most nervous you've ever been as a sports parent?

Ellen: Mmm that's a tough one. Probably for me, it's not about the kids. It was more about the team. So, you know, having your kids go through the NTDP you want them to win these big tournaments. So you’re nervous for the group because you want so well, they're representing their country so the World Championships, the World Juniors, I mean, Cammie, you've sat with me and seen me between periods at the World Juniors, so that might be a fair one you can attest to, like, you're like, Really? You probably walk away from meeting with the boys between periods and me. Like, she's a little wacky over there. I don't know.

Cammi: Oh, they love you.

Ellen: You're stressed. Not for your kids. You're stressed for the team in your country. And you want so well, you want them to win! Their competitive side and they're tight. And you’re just on the edge of your seat. More like a fan, I would say, than a mother. So much too. Is that fair to say?

AJ: Yeah. Did you ever coach any of them?

Ellen: Yeah,

AJ: I think they're so close in age. You. Oh, you did?

Ellen: Yeah. So I coached them in soccer. I coached them in lacrosse, but they played box lacrosse. I didn't coach them in hockey. They would do a lot of spring hockey. What I would do is get on the I would just buy outdoor ice like and I would run the skates. But when I say I would run the skates is, I would get out of the way. I would turn the nets. Three on three, three on three, three on three, no direction, just let them. And then it was more, you know, just playing, like the environment, the competitors setting up the competitive- competitive mini games. So that type of stuff as extras.

AJ: The last question we have for you is what advice would you have to hockey parents out there or what kind of motto did you guys, would you say you followed?

Ellen: You know, who gave us really good advice, especially as they got older were Keith and Chantal Tkachuk. They were amazing role models for us. Quinn was fortunate enough to live with them and, and Keith always. They always said it, just be a great teammate, be a great human being, great- be a great person and work hard, be one of the hardest working. Get out there and have fun. You know, I know it's easy to say, but there's so many great things you can do in this life. There's so many greater things you can do in this life. You know, you find your passion, find lots of passions and be you and follow your heart in whatever it is that your [passion is like, live it, eat it, drink it and be it. I mean, I think those are the same advice that both of you as past Olympians give your own children.

Cammi: That's wonderful.

AJ: That is, that's awesome. And you are so awesome. I love hearing the sort of inside scoop from the first family of hockey, the Hughes family, and everybody's favorite hockey mom, Ellen Hughes. But at the same time, I love also taking that little walk down memory lane to make sure everybody remembers what a stud you are.

Ellen: Well, I so appreciate it. And I'm having so much fun listening to you two on your podcast. It's amazing what you're doing. I think you're amazing human beings. You both know how I feel about you and my admiration for what you've done for the women's game and what you're still doing in the game of hockey is so cool and you're both trailblazers. And I love this podcast and I love the guests that you have on. I take myself out of that like I don't fit in the realm of guests.

AJ: Yes, yes you do.

Ellen: I'm just saying that in the heart of hearts, I love the guests you've had on, and keep rocking it. You two are amazing and I'm lucky to have you as friends. And AJ, I laugh. I think about watching you at the Olympics and Cammi and I already had a relationship because we played together. And then I think about you today. And it's incredible.

AJ: And you are. I do remember you paved the way for us, but I do. I'm glad. I think you're buttering us up just in case I say, I will say anything negative about your sons on the ice, which so far I haven't had to because they're such superstars. But, you know, don't hold it against me if I do.

Ellen: You know, And then and hopefully things will get back to normal and we'll be traveling and I'll see you guys one day.

Cammi: Well, Ellen, thank you so much for being here. We were so happy you joined us and we'll have to have you on again at some point. And when the whole quarantine is over, well, I'll be looking forward to when you come to watch Quinn in Vancouver here.

#thank you to leo without whom this would just be sitting unfinished in my google drive for eternity #ellen weinberg-hughes #jack hughes #quinn hughes #luke hughes #transcript

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a-pathica · 2 months

Text

Mi ritrovo a 25 anni e l’idea dell’amore come quella dei bambini.

Mi sono ritrovata a parlare con una bambina di amore.

È fidanzata, da un anno, con Francesco.

Prima di lui c’è stato un altro che però è stato rubato dalla sua migliore amica.

Penso che se questo le fosse successo alla mia età si sarebbero strappate i capelli a vicenda e lui ne sarebbe uscito illeso, come succede il 99,9% dei casi. Anche se la colpa non è mai da una sola parte.

Non so perché ora senta la necessità di scrivere quello che mi sta passando per la testa, forse perché ora scrivere a mano non mi basta di più, ho tanto da dire e poca voce per farlo.

Ho sempre preferito scrivere che parlare.

Continuo a scegliere le parole con la stessa accuratezza con cui le mie coetanee scelgono l’outfit (ora ci siamo tutti inglecizzati) che indosseranno per una serata in discoteca.

Io in discoteca non ci sono mai stata, non ho mai fumato una canna, fumo sporadicamente le sigarette, giusto per infliggermi un po’ di dolore.

Dicono che ogni sigaretta fumata accorci la vita di 7 minuti, sto sperimentando la veridicità di questa affermazione.

Non voglio morire.

Sia chiaro.

Quando ci penso ho onestamente paura.

Chiudi gli occhi e tutto finisce.

Non si pensa più.

Le connessioni tra neuroni si fermano.

Niente stimoli.

Niente input.

Niente output.

Tutto tace.

Eppure quante volte aspiriamo nella vita ad un po’ di silenzio?

Sono consapevole che per quanto voglia ciò è impossibile. Almeno da vivi.

Motivo per il quale mi sto quasi abituando all’idea che troverò la pace a cui aspiro una volta morta.

Il discorso sta prendendo decisamente una piega tetra.

Sono una persona abbastanza noiosa.

Non amo il casino.

Mi piacciono le pantofole calde, le coperte, le tisane e i libri.

Non mi piace andare a mangiare fuori, mi piace l’intimità delle mura di casa.

Ma sono consapevole che sono in rotta di collisione con il resto del mondo.

Questo mondo di oggi che deve ostentare tutto.

Ieri sono uscita e c’era un tramonto stupendo a Roma, il volerlo immortalare mi stava quasi distraendo che stavo dimenticando di vivermelo.

E invece l’ho vissuto.

Ho notato ogni piccola sfumatura presente. Nei minimi dettagli.

Io sono così, guardo i dettagli e cerco di leggerli tra le righe.

Sono sempre stata una che ha visto nel piccolo prima di vedere nel grande.

Questa società ci ha abituati ad avere tutto e subito. Pretendiamo di conoscere le persone con lo schiocco delle dita.

PRETENDIAMO.

Non penso ci sia niente di più brutto che pretendere un qualcosa da qualcuno.

È come se lo obbligassimo a fare qualcosa che non vuole per un tornaconto solo nostro.

Ne lede ogni libertà di scelta e di pensiero.

Lo stesso errore si commette quando parlando si dice “io al posto suo…”.

Al posto suo non ci sei.

Al posto suo c’è solo la persona.

Non tu.

Per fortuna o per sfortuna, dipende dai casi, ognuno ha una propria testa e ragiona come meglio crede.

Io ho sempre pensato di ragionare con la testa di una ragazza di 60 anni fa.

Non mi sono mai sentita a mio agio in questa società.

Come un pesce fuori dall’acqua che cerca di tornare al mare.

Non mi sono voluta adeguare alla massa.

Non mi sono mai voluta adeguare a qualcuno.

Per qualcuno.

Rimarrò sola? Non so.

Ho paura? Non so.

Perché le persone cercano di cambiarsi per andare bene a qualcuno?

Capisco lo smussare gli spigoli, ma perché cambiare rinnegando quello che si è?

Io non voglio rinnegare niente di quello che sono.

Qualcuno una volta mi ha detto che siamo la somma delle esperienze che ci sono capitate. Beh, non per vittimismo, ma potrei scrivere un libro per tutte le volte che sono caduta in tutte le maniere in cui una persona può cadere e con la sola forza delle mie braccia mi sia rialzata.

Non penso di avere una vita tragica, ma penso di avere una vita in cui il coraggio le ha fatto da padrona.

Sì, sono coraggiosa.

Questo me lo devo.

In fondo credo che un po’ io mi voglia un po’ di bene, per quanto a volte litighi con me stessa sul perché non riesca a cambiare alcune cose di me che davvero non mi piacciono.

Sono abituata a fare l’elenco dei miei difetti, e non riesco a trovare mai un pregio.

Ecco, coraggiosa è il primo pregio.

Ma tornando al discorso di prima…

Vanno a scuola insieme.

Non si sono visti e neanche sentiti per tutto il periodo dell’estate.

Le ho chiesto allora perché non gli avesse scritto per tutto il periodo e la sua risposta è stata: “Avevo da fare con le amichette.”

Di risposta le ho chiesto se dopo tutto questo tempo lontani era sicura che anche da parte sua ci fosse lo stesso sentimento.

Penso di aver impiantato in lei il seme del dubbio.

Se magari prima ne era convinta, adesso non più.

Eppure 60 anni fa partivano per la guerra, passavano mesi senza vedersi e, se Dio voleva, riuscivano a mandarsi una cartolina ogni tot di tempo.

Ora il dubbio sorge non appena si ha un messaggio non visualizzato.

Maledette spunte blu.

Sorge il dubbio se non si risponde entro un tempo predefinito.

Ed ecco che la vipera del tradimento si insinua nelle nostre menti.

E distrugge tutto.

Con questo non voglio dire che prima non si tradiva, anzi forse era anche più facile tradire prima.

Senza Instagram, senza storie, senza localizzazione, senza messaggistica istantanea, senza chat segrete di Telegram (che ancora non so come funzionino).

Forse c’era una cosa che oggi è difficile trovare: il rispetto.

Ecco, forse ho trovato un altro mio pregio.

La mia famiglia mi ha insegnato a rispettare tutto e tutti.

Non so ammazzare neanche una mosca senza sentirmi in colpa.

Ho imparato il rispetto per ogni forma vivente: animali, piante, persone.

Ho imparato il rispetto per ogni forma non vivente.

Grazie mamma, grazie papà, grazie nonna e grazie zia.

Forse non gliel’ho mai detto.

Prima o poi lo farò.

Loro sono le colonne portanti della casa che sono.

E gliene sarò per sempre grata.

Mi hanno insegnato il senso di sacrificio. E rispettare chi ne fa.

Cerco di mantenere ogni promessa, di renderla reale.

Ma in un mondo che ti fa lo sgambetto più e più volte è difficile, ma continuo ad apprezzare la buona volontà di chi ci prova.

È un mondo malato che sta facendo ammalare anche le persone che ci vivono. Forse gli animali sono gli unici che ne restano illesi.

Quanto può essere cattivo l’essere umano?

Einstein diceva che l’uomo ha inventato la bomba atomica, ma nessun topo inventerebbe mai una trappola per topi.

Siamo davvero così stupidi?

Perché soffriamo di queste manie di grandezza?

Perché questa necessità di prevalere sull’altro e di doverlo sventolare ai quattro venti?

Comunque, continuando il nostro viaggio nella mente di una bambina di 7 anni, dopo aver impiantato in lei il seme del dubbio ho cercato di sistemare la situazione, ormai già distrutta, affermando che in caso contrario avrebbe comunque potuto trovarne un altro. O anche due. Così da avere la riserva.

Lei ha fatto spallucce.

Non penso abbia apprezzato la mia affermazione.

In realtà non l’apprezzo neanche io.

Non nutro grande simpatia per coloro che decidono di intraprendere relazioni parallele. Anzi, direi che (sì, lo so che è brutto da dire), le schifo. E non poco.

Se una persona non ti fa stare bene, bisogna avere il coraggio di lasciarla andare.

Può essere doloroso, ma anche le ferite più dolorose guariscono.

E questo lo so bene, forse daranno un leggero fastidio ogni qualvolta il tempo cambierà.

Ogni qualvolta ti ci soffermerai a pensare.

Mamma dice sempre: “Le cose che non si fanno sono le migliori.”

Ma con quanti punti di domanda ci lasciano?

Quanti finali alternativi si alternano nella mente di una persona?

Sono una persona curiosa.

Ma non nel senso che sia impicciona, mi sono sempre fatta i fatti miei e continuerò a farlo visto che aspiro a campare 100 anni.

Sono spinta da curiosità costruttiva, non mi limito a sapere il fatto in sé, ma mi piace capire, scavare nel profondo. Forse la parola più corretta da usare sarebbe comprendere il perché di una scelta piuttosto che un’altra.

Mi astengo dal dare qualsiasi giudizio.

Mi limito a dare un consiglio, senza aspettarmi che la persona lo segua, anche perché chi è che segue i consigli?

Io sono la prima a non farlo.

Mi piace sbatterci di testa, di faccia, rompermi le ossa, il cuore e l’anima.

Si dice si impari meglio sbagliando e io voglio sbagliare nel modo giusto.

Voglio passare la vita imparando, crescendo, diventando sempre più saggia.

Avrei voluto dire a quella bambina che poi tanto male non è stare soli, conoscersi.

Capire quello che realmente vogliamo.

Quello di cui abbiamo realmente bisogno.

Avrei voluto dirle di non piangere alle ginocchia sbucciate perché il cuore sbucciato quando crescerà farà ancora più male.

Avrei voluto dirle di godersi ogni attimo della sua età.

Avrei voluto dirle di avvicinarsi al mondo dell’amore il più tardi possibile.

Avrei voluto dirle che ha fatto bene a godersi l’estate con le amichette piuttosto che pensare al fidanzato.

Avrei voluto dirle che l’amore se è vero supera ogni ostacolo, ogni distanza, ogni tempo.

Avrei voluto dirle che non deve mai dare nulla per scontato, perché nel momento in cui lo fai tutto perde di valore e non è più come prima.

Non aspettatevi che una persona vi stia accanto per sempre, che vi ami per sempre.

L’amore è un fuoco di paglia, di solito la passione brucia velocemente.

La vera scommessa è alimentarlo.

Vorrei essere brava in questo.

Invece credo che tra le mie mille mila cose da fare non riesca mai ad alimentarlo come si deve, e niente.

Fa la famosa vampa e si spegne.

Azzarderei a dire che quasi a volte l’acqua per spegnerlo sopra l’abbia messa io.

Perché l’amore si identifica con il cuore?

Un muscolo involontario.

Probabilmente perché così come non abbiamo la possibilità di controllare il suo battito non possiamo decidere di chi innamorarci.

Ed ecco lì che capita di innamorarsi di chi probabilmente non avremmo mai detto.

Nel mio caso penso che avrei messo la mano sul fuoco che non sarebbe mai successo, ed invece è successo.

Ho imparato il mai dire mai proprio in questo caso.

E chi l’avrebbe detto che avrei messo le armi per distruggermi in mano a qualcuno.

Mi meraviglio con quanta facilità l’essere umano sia capace di buttare giù tutto quello che costruisce senza nessuna pietà e rimpianto.

Mentre io mi sono ritrovata a dire addio ad una macchina e a dare il benvenuto ad un’altra.

Ho provato il senso di colpa nell’averla quasi tradita per qualcosa di nuovo.

Perché è questo quello che succede nella vita, buttiamo il vecchio per fare spazio al nuovo.

Io sono così legata al vecchio che provo dolore quando lo butto.

Ecco, forse questo invidio a quella bambina, la facilità con cui nel momento in cui il piccolo Francesco deciderà di lasciarla lei troverà qualcun altro e riuscirà a chiudere Francesco in un cassettino della sua memoria che probabilmente non riaprirà mai più.

Io i miei cassetti della memoria li apro e anche spesso.

Maledette domande che attanagliano la mia mente e non la lasciano riposare.

Forse se riuscissi a lasciarmi scivolare tutto addosso sarebbe più facile.

E invece il Padre Eterno ha deciso di farmi cocciuta, testarda e con la necessità di sapere come, quando, dove e perché.

Vorrei poter chiudere tutto a chiave, buttare la chiave in un qualsiasi posto e perderla così da non poter riaprire niente, anche volendo.

Sono masochista.

Non mi taglio, non mi infliggo dolore fisico perché mi basta il dolore dell’anima.

E se per i tagli questi cicatrizzano, non so come possa guarire un’anima mal concia.

Lana Del Rey canta: “Mi amerai lo stesso quando non avrò nient’altro che la mia anima dolorante?”

Mi chiedo se davvero esista qualcuno capace di amare una persona nonostante l’anima che non si regge in piedi.

Ci vuole tanto amore ad amare chi non ci ama.

E ci vuole grande forza di volontà a lasciare andare le persone.

Lasciare andare qualcuno è la più grande forma di generosità.

Come può un rapporto cambiare per “colpa” di una frase sbagliata?

Dicono che la lingua riesca a ferire più di un coltello.

E perché le permettiamo di ferirci?

Sento ancora quel formicolio al cuore quando ripenso ad alcune frasi, che siano belle o brutte.

Nella maggior parte dei casi sono tutte le parole che più mi hanno ferita.

Quelle che più mi hanno fatta sentire inadatta.

Ma non penso di essere inadatta per davvero.

Penso sinceramente che alcune situazioni non vadano con altre.

Ecco di nuovo quella sensazione.

La me di dentro urla, si sta spolmonando. E la me di fuori non riesce a tirare fuori niente.

A volte penso se possa essere liberatorio salire sulla prima montagna e urlare, fino a non avere più aria nei polmoni. Fino ad essere stremati per l’urlo e non per altro.

A volte vorrei farlo.

Poi penso che le persone mi prenderebbero per pazza.

Anche se è mio uso e costume credere che i pazzi stiano fuori e le persone mentalmente stabili siano chiuse nel primo reparto di psichiatria disponibile.

Forse in mezzo a loro troverei la mia pace, chissà.

Vorrei fare un appello a me stessa: smettila di provare a fidarti delle persone.

Sono destinate tutte ad andare via. E tu speri ancora nelle cose irreali.

Chiudi gli occhi e immagini cose che sai anche tu non succederanno mai. E ti addormenti con il cuore un po’ più leggero, perché quello ti da pace.

Perché sono così?

Cos’è che realmente voglio?

O sono solo lo specchio di quello che gli altri vogliono da me?

Vorrei bastare a me stessa.

Essere sicura di me, delle mie capacità, senza il bisogno che qualcuno mi ricordi quanto valga.

Amo stare da sola, e non capisco perché continuo a far entrare persone nella mia vita che la mettono sottosopra.

Inizio ad essere quasi certa di essere masochista.

Sto per prendere il treno.

L’ennesimo.

Quanti treni ho preso, e non ne ho mai perso uno.

Anche quando ero in ritardo.

Sono stata sempre brava a prenderli.

A farli coincidere con altri.

Ad aspettare il meno possibile alle coincidenze.

Non mi è mai piaciuto aspettare.

Non sono una che sta con le mani in mano aspettando che arrivi la manna dal cielo.

Mi sono sempre data da fare, ho organizzato la mia vita in ogni minimo dettaglio e la vita ci ha provato ripetutamente a far saltare ogni mio piano.

A volte ci è riuscita.

A volte no.

Mi chiedo dunque, perché se non riesco ad aspettare un treno che dovrebbe portarmi altrove dovrei riuscire ad aspettare una persona?

Beh, il treno prima o poi arriva e anche se in ritardo a destinazione ci porta.

Ma le persone?

Arrivano?

Tornano?

Riescono a portarti realmente dove vuoi che ti portino?

Non si può decidere dove queste ti porteranno. Bisogna lasciarsi guidare.

E io non sono brava in questo.

Sono stata abituata a guidare, e non riesco a far sì che le persone guidino me.

Eppure io vorrei qualcuno che mi portasse al mare.

Scorrendo la ricerca di Instagram in una di quelle pagine di frasi fatte e depresse ho letto trova qualcuno che ti faccia dimenticare di avere un telefono.

Chissà com’è prendere il treno della vita.

Quello che dicono passi solo una volta.

Quello del hic et nunc, del carpe diem.

Non penso di aver mai colto un’occasione, troppo presa ad organizzarmi la vita che probabilmente mi sono dimenticata di viverla.

Ho messo da parte tutti i sentimenti, cercando di reprimerli.

Li ho messi così schiacciati bene in un cassetto che pensavo di averli sistemati lì a vita.

E invece il cassetto è esploso, lasciando venire fuori tutto quello che credevo di non poter provare.

La depressione.

Se mi avessero detto che un giorno ne avrei sofferto sinceramente gli avrei riso in faccia.

E invece sono qui, a distanza di due anni, con questo mostro dietro le spalle che mi attacca all’improvviso, quando sono più vulnerabile.

E so da me che la spinta per “guarirne” devo darmela da sola, ma le persone che, intorno a me, si limitano a dire: “Dai, su. Muoviti. Se ti fermi è perché sei tu che vuoi stare male” mi istigano sempre di più ad isolarmi.

Mi piace stare sola.

Mi piace l’equilibrio che raggiungo.

Se sto male non devo dar conto a nessuno.

Se sto bene non devo dar conto a nessuno.

Solo a me stessa.

Chissà quale organo ne risente di più.

Il cuore?

Il cervello?

Penso che i miei siano andati entrambi in sovraccarico e il mio esplodere ne è stata semplicemente una conseguenza.

Come se nel cassetto avessi messo più di quanto avrei dovuto e ora non si riesce più a chiudere e tutti i sentimenti repressi siano usciti uno dietro l’altro, sovrapponendosi anche a volte.

Tocco un po’ anche di bipolarismo probabilmente.

Meriterei un oscar come migliore attrice per tutte le volte che ho riso quando avrei voluto piangere.

Meriterei un oscar come migliore attrice per aver mentito sul mio stato di salute mentale a tutti, compresa la famiglia.

Meriterei un oscar come migliore attrice per tutte le volte che mentre ridevo pensavo a come sarebbe stato buttarsi dal Canale di Mezzanotte.

Ci sono andata.

Mi sono seduta sul bordo del ponte.

Penso che pi�� di una volta sia stata sul punto di farlo.

Perché non l’ho fatto?

Probabilmente perché io sono ancora qui e posso scegliere di vivere, lei non ha avuto scelta.

E se l’avesse avuta sicuramente avrebbe voluto vivere.

Per cui, mossa da un minimo di lucidità, sono scesa giù e sono tornata a casa, mettendo la maschera perfetta.

Ma non a tutti si può mentire.

E gli occhi sono lo specchio dell’anima.

Non vedo i miei occhi brillare da un po’.

Chissà se ricapiterà.

E se la nostra vita fosse un libro scritto a penna?

Un cosiddetto manoscritto.

Senza bozza.

Senza margine di correzione, perché si sa, non si può cancellare con la gomma e riscrivere tutto.

Si può solo mettere una linea e andare avanti, fino alla fine del racconto. Fino alla fine del libro.

E lì, dove la penna inizia a incantarsi, arrivano le decisioni prese d’istinto.

Quegli scarabocchi che nessuno riuscirà mai a decifrare, neanche noi.

Perché quelle decisioni prese di pancia sembrano così sensate nel momento in cui le prendiamo mentre con il senno di poi si rivelano dei veri flop?

Perché, a volte, l’istinto prevale sulla ragione, perché autoinfliggersi dolore sperando in qualcosa che sicuramente non capiterà.

La legge di Murphy parla chiaro: se c'è una possibilità che varie cose vadano male, quella che causa il danno maggiore sarà la prima a farlo; Se si prevedono quattro possibili modi in cui qualcosa può andare male, e si prevengono, immediatamente se ne rivelerà un quinto; lasciate a sé stesse, le cose tendono ad andare di male in peggio.

E allora mi chiedo, perché si molla la presa in alcune situazioni?

Perché non siamo più così bravi da lottare per quello in cui crediamo?

Perché non mi fido più delle mie sensazioni?

Ho sempre viaggiato con il mio sesto senso.

A volte bene, altre male.

Penso faccia parte del gioco.

Non credo nemmeno si possa pretendere che la vita giri sempre bene, penso sia impossibile vivere una vita senza cadere.

Dovrebbero essere le imperfezioni a rendere le cose perfette.

Il sudore dei sacrifici rende tutto più bello.

Ma ai sacrifici bisogna essere abituati.

E come ci si abitua?

Come può una persona abituarsi alla sofferenza per avere cose belle.

Ma perché si deve soffrire per arrivare al bello?

Per apprezzarlo di più?

E perché non godere delle piccole cose, ma aspettarsi sempre cose plateali?

Perché non compiacersi dei gesti ripetuti, seppur piccoli, ogni giorno, ma riempirsi gli occhi e soprattutto la bocca per un qualcosa che accade una sola volta e per un tempo breve.

Ho rivisto la piccola Giada.

Le ho chiesto di aggiornarmi sulle sue vicende amorose.

Mi sono così appassionata a questa storia d’amore che mi sembra quasi di viverla in prima persona.

Ci siamo sedute a terra.

Ha trovato dietro la tenda del salotto i regoli.

È stato come tornare indietro di quasi 20 anni.

Ricordo l’emozione, quando arrivava il momento dei regoli alle elementari.

La felicità nell’aprire quella scatola che sembrava magica perché quei piccoli rettangoli avrebbero dovuto insegnarmi a contare.

Anche se, diciamocelo sinceramente, tutti li abbiamo usati per costruire la famosa torre.

Apprezzo dei bambini in genere lo stupore davanti alle piccole cose; il trovare il buono e il bello anche nelle piccole cose.

Quelle più insignificanti.

Poi com’è che si diventa così materialisti?

Qual è il preciso istante in cui le piccole cose, anche le più stupide, smettono di bastarci e iniziamo a volere e a pretendere sempre di più?

Ho sempre avuto paura di crescere, di perdere il mio contatto con l’innocenza della tenera età, non essere più considerata la bocca della verità, diventare agli occhi del resto degli adulti una persona che sputa veleno perché dice quello che pensa.

Io non credo di sputare veleno, non penso nemmeno di essere così vipera come mi dipingono. Credo che la verità tendenzialmente faccia paura, fa paura a tutti, anche a me che sembro così dura e tosta.

La verità quando ci viene detta, nuda e cruda, ci spoglia di ogni maschera e ci costringe a guardarci allo specchio, come se fossimo tanti vermi privati di un guscio protettivo.

L’adulto è viscido, e di questo ne sono sempre stata convinta.

Ha sempre secondi fini, non sa bastarsi a sé stesso, cerca perennemente il confronto con altri per sentirsi superiore, non sa competere in modo sano, è cattivo e diventa egoista, egocentrico, cercando di creare una storia in cui risulta essere il protagonista assoluto.

Per non parlare degli adulti nelle relazioni: è un continuo prevalere sull’altro nel 90% dei casi, non si sa più viaggiare l’uno accanto all’altra.

Ho quasi 25 anni e la voglia di provare gli stessi sentimenti di Giada, la voglia che qualcuno provi per me gli stessi sentimenti che prova Giada.

La purezza.

Non perché servo a qualcuno, non mi piace essere sfruttata.

Ho sempre fatto mio il detto: “Non fare agli altri quello che non vuoi sia fatto a te”, ma puntualmente ricevo altro. Ricevo quello che probabilmente se fossi realmente stronza farei alle persone.

Non so sfogarmi, non so buttare giù quello che provo se non scrivendo.

Mi sento così bene quando scrivo.

Non saprei come fermarmi.

Ho tanto da dire, continuo ad avere sempre tanto.

E continuo ancora a meravigliarmi delle mie capacità paragonate a quelle di persone più grandi.

Perché continuo a sottovalutarmi?

Apriamo i regoli, con l’intenzione (ovviamente) di fare la Tour Eiffel.

Iniziamo a mettere da parte tutti i pezzi che ci servono e intanto penso che vorrei essere circondata una vita intera da bambini e animali, dalle anime pure, da chi non fa male a qualcun altro per il puro scopo di goderne; voglio essere circondata da chi se fa male a qualcuno sa chiedere scusa.

Arriva il momento della fatidica domanda, chiederle come fosse andato il ritrovo con Francesco.

Ne ho quasi timore, soprattutto dopo l’ultima chiacchierata, ma i bambini hanno quell’innocenza disarmante contro cui nulla vince.

Il sospiro di sollievo tirato dopo aver saputo che ancora ad oggi stanno insieme è stato rumoroso, tanto da scambiare uno sguardo complice con la mamma.

A distanza di circa un anno io e Giada ci siamo riviste.

Qualcosa è cambiato, io sono cambiata e anche lei.

Se lei è cresciuta in altezza, in bellezza e anche in intelligenza, io sono diventata più vecchia, scorbutica e meno paziente verso ogni genere umano.

Non vedo Giada da un anno e quanto vorrei poter parlarle ancora. Interfacciarmi con lei e con l’ingenuità con cui vede il mondo: senza malizia, senza cattiveria, senza alcun melodramma irrisolvibile.

Mi chiedono spesso perché sia così attirata dai bambini e dagli animali, probabilmente la risposta si trova in questo: non fanno melodrammi e se dovesse accadere la situazione si placa in un tempo così breve da non destare nessuna preoccupazione.

Quanto sarebbe bello tornare piccoli, dove le uniche preoccupazioni sono soltanto i giochi non comprati da mamma e papà, le merende e il pisolino pomeridiano fatto controvoglia.

A ventisette anni il pisolino pomeridiano è quasi diventato un default per me, senza il quale non saprei neanche sopravvivere alle persone che mi sono intorno.

Vorrei tanto sapere di Giada, dei suoi amori, se è riuscita a continuare la sua storia con Francesco, mi piacerebbe dirle che ho trovato probabilmente l’equilibrio a cui aspiravo, ma so che mi guarderebbe interrogativa perché: come lo spieghi l’equilibrio ad una bambina?

Ho paura a dirlo forte, non tutte le persone sono felici se lo sei anche tu, ma ho trovato quella sorta di pace interiore che sembrava non potesse arrivare per me.

Sto per iniziare a fare una cosa che mi piace. Non mi interessa della fatica. Ho scoperto che con le persone giuste accanto sono ancora più forte di quello che credevo. Ho capito chi sì e chi no. Chi mi fa fiorire e chi cerca di estirparmi come un’erbaccia.

Grazie delle delusioni, dei momenti no, dei momenti in piena sbronza, delle scelte sbagliate, dei viaggi in macchina, del mare che calma in inverno e abbronza l’estate. Grazie dell’amore, delle amicizie nate dal nulla, del cuore rotto, dello scudo contro le parole che fanno male. Grazie per le serate a guardare le stelle in balcone con la sigaretta accesa, i lividi addosso per l’equitazione che libera la mente, i lividi dello stress mentale. Grazie per gli addii e le riscoperte di alcune persone. Grazie per il mio essere leggera, saper capire quando essere pesante e quando no, quando farne melodramma e quando no. Grazie perché ho capito quanto valgo, ho capito che non mi accontento di tutti e che chi mi sta accanto lo fa per scelta, per amore e ha rubato un pezzetto del mio cuore e lo custodisce preziosamente. Grazie anche a chi il pezzetto del mio cuore lo ha preso a pugni, a cazzotti e ci ha ballato sopra con la speranza di vedermi a terra strisciare come magari fanno loro. Mari splende anche grazie a voi. Soprattutto grazie a voi.

L’ultima foto non poteva non essere il mio panorama sul mio golfo preferito.

#piccoli pensieri contro grandi paranoie

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