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yume-fanfare · 3 years

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hi i am that anon from like 29th Dec (last dang year) who said i read ur tsuki no hime and loved it and that u understand Aizou. i have read more of ur stuff since then and now i NEED to ask you for writing advice, on both characterization and general writing tips since I didnt mention it before. Sorry about that! i just forgot i sent an ask and i do not get notifs at all (or does anon asks not get notifs?) Also, ART STUDENT! That's why the nice art and art leaning!! I feel smart for sensing it

oh yup, tumblr doesn't send notifs for anon asks! but i'm glad you did see the answer anyway

this post is hideously long, so answer under the cut!

so, on characterization: it is mostly a matter of what would they say, rather than what you want them to say. the joke about "the characters do what they want to" instead of what the writer wants is pretty much true if you want them to be in character lol (that's why sometimes a little bit of OoC isn't too bad)

checking the source material is the most important thing: look at prior similar interactions the characters have had and how they reacted

this is kind of hard with LIPxLIP, as there aren't that many translated texts about them but with honeyworks the most canon and reliable thing to use as reference are the mvs. the mvs are drawn in a way that can pretty much be understood even if you don't have the lyrics, and sometimes it's even better if you can't read them, to properly focus on the images better

look at their expressions closely: while aizou is always explosive in his anger, yuujirou often has a more indifferent expression. so, when they fight, aizou is probably the one to blow up first while yuujirou maintains his composure better. it's kind of the classic "this was only a brief passing panel but i am going to expand on it" www

but the thing about fanfiction is that it's always a bit of a character analysis in itself. you don't start writing having already a color-coded folder of possible situations and reactions a character would have for each setting. you just throw the characters in a scenario and then think from there onwards, and eventually you'll be able to have the folder of situations and what you think their reactions would be like. (though, this links back to the prior point, if the characters have gone through a similar situation in canon, use that as guide! plus, finding little references to canon when reading is always fun)

for general writing, i'm going to mostly talk about my own experiences and process! i'm in no way a professional though

the basic is reading a lot. not just books but also fanfic. in fact, since you're writing fanfic, i Encourage you to read fanfic. even if your story ends up novel length, the way of treating the story is different from that of an actual novel. for example, because you're working under the premise that everyone knows the characters already. the general style of fics is different as well.

in fact, the style is the main reason i'm saying this slfkslfkslkf

read a lot of stuff and find a style you like. think of it as sewing together pieces from here and there to make a frankenstein amalgamation: this person's metaphors, the comparisons from here, the descriptions from there

personally, i adore the "long one-shot with a long title formatted (like this)" fics that are mostly feelings and descriptions and as little dialogue as possible, and some that occasionally play with the "show don't tell" rule, and some months ago i read a book whose descriptions amazed me because you could feel what the character was focusing on the most, rather than being general descriptions of the situation (i actually have a lot of thoughts about descriptions but that's a post for another day). but also i really like dialogue and plot-driven stories, descriptions can get boring and before trying to break rules, you have to be really good at following them

but, let's go step by step: developing an idea

for this i'm going to mostly reference the multichap i finished a while ago as an example

i started with just a few vague concepts in mind: non-idol au with aizou who does some sport and likes music but is insecure about his singing and yuujirou who does some music related thing and encourages him to sing in a way that's somehow related to the hozier song to noisemaking (sing), because it's what inspired me to write in the first place

then, from then onwards i wrote down what would happen in the first chapter of the story bullet-point-list-style, including things like the roommates part or the clubs the boys were in (at first yuujirou was in the choir club lol the change was a last second decision that idk why i took) and then bits of dialogue here and there that would be The Turning Points. those first dialogues were for the fight at the end of ch 1, the apology-date in ch 3 and then some vaguely unused ones for the "yuujirou encourages aizou" part, as those were the first key moments i thought of

because, since it's enemies to friends to lovers, an important aspect was character development

not all fics have character development bc not all of them are long enough (if you're aiming for short and sweet then there's no need). but if they do, i recommend you write down how the character was at the beginning of the story and then how they were at the end and then fill in the middle later, think of what those key turning points that made the character change were (the more little things you add, the more gradual it'll be)

samishigariya illustrates this very nicely: the song starts and finishes with the same lines, but the ending ones feel more light-hearted. the beginning has pre-arisa ken and pre-getting-along-with-yuujirou aizou, when they were the lonely people the title mentioned, and the ending, when they're not lonely anymore. the in between can be seen in depth during the other songs: ken before arisa was a playboy who didn't take love seriously, but after meeting her he realized that games were not all there was to love; and aizou used to be quite cranky and high-key a loner, but then he "meets precious things and knows of love". i will not elaborate on that because this isn't an aiyuu post but Oh You Know

for the fic, aizou would go through that same process, more or less: someone who doesn't really form meaningful connections with people but who, in the end, would end up having quite a bunch of people who care about him as his relationship with yuujirou advances too

since the relationship was the main focus, i wrote a very simple outline for how it would develop throughout 5 hypothetical chapters that was just: 1. civil w each other but mostly bad > 2. bad > 3. half friends > 4. pining > 5. date

and then with that in mind and the bullet point list, the final basic outline ended up like this:

there were scraped ideas and ideas that made it in later, but i believe having a simple outline, a bare skeleton to add things to, is important. stories need continuity, development requires a prior buildup

it's especially important in multichapter fics where you post as you write, you need to have a more or less clear idea of what's going to happen because you can't ignore scenes you've already posted

shorter stories don't need it as much, you can think as you go, but it's still helpful to know where you're going with things to avoid getting stuck

and, on getting stuck: don't be afraid of deleting things. if you can't figure out how to continue things, then delete the situation and start again. it might feel like you'd be wasting time but in the end, it is so much better than being stuck on the same scene for weeks

in fact, you don't have to write in order. jump to the next scene and you'll figure it out later. you Can write the scene you want to write and then build everything else around it

it's normal to write a scene and then realize it would make more sense later in the story, or that it would be better if you added another scene earlier, or sometimes you just find it easier to jump from one part of the story to another. rely on your outline to keep track of what you've written, what you have left to write and what's the best way to arrange your story. make your story understandable

which bring us to editing

there's a lot of much better posts on editing stories, but yeah ctrl+f is your best friend: don't repeat yourself too much. and be sure to vary sentence and paragraph length, as well as sentence structure, to give dynamism to the writing

now, i've mentioned before the show, don't tell rule, but i'm going to talk a bit more about it because it's quite important

once again there's a lot of posts that explain more in depth what it is, so i'm not going to expand too much on that, but, very basically, try to avoid things like "then some time passed and they became friends". explain it: what happened exactly? how did they become friends? if it's important, show it to us, instead of summarizing

since things like these make the story longer, it also gives room for more development and proper explanation for things that happen

for example, the fic was originally going to start with them already in the room, and the whole situation would have been explained in a single paragraph somewhere, but by actually adding the scene where they first arrive to the dorms and argue with the lady at the main desk, the story flows better and it let me actually describe their first meeting

and uuuhhh i think that's all? this took super long to write i hope i didn't forget any super basic stuff lol

i want to add that for enemies to lovers i greatly recommend this post bc it's super good but yeah i think that's basically it, if you have any more specific questions just shoot me an ask

#god this is so long #how should i tag this #tutorials #i guess #anonymous #preguntas

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antarestyl · 6 years

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Soriel Discord Halloween Writing

So, we did a thing together at the Soriel Discord. :D I proudly present to you our little take on a Undertale Halloween Special. Have fun.

Warnings: Well they are scary stories. Please keep that in mind. Also this is literally multiple authors writing together so there could be some style-crashes.

Many thanks at @drawingwithgreen13 @purpleangrywitches and @heloflor02 who contributed greatly to this and to all of the Soriel Discord who are seriously nice people. Happy Halloween! :D

“On a dark and stormy night...As the wind flits through the trees...Several monsters will gather...To shoot the spooky breeze….Ooooo…” Sans wiggled his fingers at Toriel as she rolled her eyes, putting the finishing touches on his hamburger costume.

“Yes, yes, very spooky indeed! Goodness me, I’ve never met a monster so at ease being such a dork!” She covered her mouth in a giggle as Sans struck a silly pose, waving his hands as he crossed his eye lights.

“Well ya know I can’t just let this day pass without a joke or two, it’s the best holiday of the damn year.” A sigh escaped Toriel’s lips as she leaned up to peck him on the cheek, the makeup from her vampire costume smudging onto his cheek.

“Heh...I’ll never understand why you used makeup to pale your face when your fur is already stark white.” Toriel stood from her stool in front of him and offered out a hand, a small smile playing on her lips.

“Yes, well, one can always be more dolled up, you know. It’s the thought that counts, don’t you think?” Sans took her hand in his skeletal grasp, leaning up to press his grin to her...Shoulder. Still couldn’t quite reach her cheek.

“Yeah, yeah, I understand. C’mon, we have kids to go introduce to cavities.”

“Must you put it so bleakly, dearest?”

“Hehe...Yup.” After a bit more freshening up, the duo descended the stairs of their home to the bottom floor, in front of the door which lead onto the porch. Beside the door on a small table sat a bowl of assorted sweets and candies, and a couple of fruit bags. Sans stopped for a moment to stare out of the window, his usual smile widening as he saw the twinkling of stars in the cool night air.

“It’s just as beautiful as the first time we saw ‘em, don’tcha think, Tori’?” She turned to him for a second before directing her gaze out of the window, her expression softening as Pegasus shone brightly through the glass.

“Quite so...You weren’t born on the surface, were you? You won’t have seen them before…I’m ever so glad that you got a chance to do so.”

Sans shook his head, turning back to her...His eye lights seemed shinier than before, as if he were looking at something he truly admired.

“Even so, wouldn’t wanna be seeing it without you, y’know? It’d be a wasted view.” A soft blush played on Toriel’s cheeks, just about visible beneath the fur and makeup. With a shake of the head and a slight tug on his arm, she began leading him through to the kitchen.

“C’mon, you big flirt! Let’s join the others before you CHARM the night away!”

“What a CHARMING gesture” Sans winked.

“...Not your best”

“Eh, the night is young.” “Oh would you FINALLY get over here?”

The two of them were interrupted by a very impatient looking Undyne. She had her arms crossed and her food was tapping.

“The kids will be here any second and you two waste time being all… smoopy!”

“... is smoopy a word?”, wondered Sans.

Undyne looked at him as if she really wanted to slap him while Toriel just chuckled softly. “We haven’t forgotten, dear.”, she said gently, sitting down in one of the very big and plush reading chairs that they had dragged here.

“Besides, you and Alphys are all… kawaii together.”, said Sans grinning while letting himself fall into the chair beside Toriel.

“Urgh that’s different.”, huffed Undyne.

The finer points of being smoopy couldn’t be discussed however, because in that moment the doorbell run.

“TRICK OR TREAT!”, came the cheer of the children even before Undyne could open the door.

There were a lot of children, Frisk, Monster Kid, a few of the bunny children from Snowdin, Fuku Fire and that skater girl that was always hanging out with her, as well as a few of Frisk’s classmates. Sans even recognized Billy, Linda’s kid.

He wondered for a moment if she knew. Welp, not his problem.

And behind all of them stood Papyrus and Alphys, both of them beaming with delight. Also both of them were carrying stacks of candy.

“FINALLY!”, cheered Undyne and opened the door even more.

“GREETINGS! WE BROUGHT CHILDREN AND OFFERINGS OF SWEETNESS.”, said Papyrus seriously but still with a wide grin.

“Well get in there nerds, you are all in for a great treat!”

The children cheered and poured inside, sitting down on the pillows and blankets surrounding Toriel who chuckled and patted the thick, leather bound book in her lap.

“Ah, my children.”, she said softly. “I see all of you found their way here safely. Gather around me, children, for I will read you some spooky stories. And in the end, when you braved them, there will be a great reward…” She winked to Papyrus. “Of sweetness.”

There was more cheering and Toriel chuckled softly and opened the book.

“The first story is called “Lost in code”...”

“Ah, let me read this.”, said Sans, taking the book and winking. “Alright kids, let uncle Sans tell you some stories about the dangers of the knowledge and shady deals…”

He made himself comfortable, tuned a page and started to read.

“Everybody knows that the world is a world of numbers. There is a code running underneath everything, like the river under Waterfall. Human, monster, everything else… all is written in code.

It is said that very few skilled souls, very very special souls indeed, can take a look into this river below and can read the ripples of the tiny waves on the surface. They can read the code.

But to attempt to manipulate this code? Well, one would have to be a pretty dirty hacker, wouldn’t they?

There is a story you know, about a monster that tried. They were a famous monster, at their time. Brilliant and bright, full of drive and HOPE for the future. They thought they knew everything or close to everything and what little they might not knew… well that would be easy to archive, wouldn’t it?

But the monster noticed that something was blocking them. Some things eluded them. Some things just… wouldn’t add up. Some things the monster just couldn’t understand. And they were offended by it.

“I am the greatest scholar monster kind has ever seen!”, the monster lamented into the night one day. “I archived more than anybody alive! Even the king of all monster seeks my advice but still, why do things like this elude me so much?” They had started to pace in their room that was filled with all kinds of magical and technological stuff. Candles and light bulbs, books and computer parts, delicate glass concoctions and big, heavy stones with carved in runes. There was strange and unusual stuff all over his desk and his shelves, notes laying open around, sketches and theories written and drawn on so much paper.

“It is simply not fair!”, stated the monster. “I should be able to figure this out. All of it!” They sighed deeply, looking over their equipment, their notes and experiments. “I would give everything for finding the answers I seek…”

“Everything?”

The monster jumped when he heard the unfamiliar voice suddenly behind him, turning around and stared at… that person that suddenly appeared behind him. The newcomer was a skeleton… or at least looked they as if they once were one. They had a skull alright but the blacks were to black, the whites to white and all in all they radiated some sort of… wrongness. Parts of them were flickering all around, mass and texture seemed to flicker a bit… it was just unsettling to look at them.

“W..what?”, asked our unlucky scholar.

“Would you give everything for answers?”

“Well…”, the monster hesitated but the desire to get to know things, to conquer this goal they set themselves overwrote their common sense. “Yes.”

“I could show you a way.”

“How?”

“I can teach you how to reach the code. How to read the code. How to change the code.”

The monster was speechless. That sounded almost too good to be true! With that kind of power…

“What do you want for that?”, asked the monster, eager to gain this phantastic new ability.

“Don’t worry about that.”, said the newcomer. “Just take my hand.”

A hand was offered to the monster, skeletal but also not. Gray and almost see-through as if the hand was barely real but just real enough. One last moment the monster hesitated but finally gave in and shook the hand.

“I would very much like to!”

“Good.”, said the newcomer and even with the monster not getting a good look on their face, our unlucky scholar could almost hear the grin in the one word. But all of that was soon forgotten because their newfound partner kept their word.

Knowledge suddenly poured into the scholar, numbers and symbols flying inside their head. The monster almost wanted to cry. It was there, so beautiful! So simple! The code of the world, the river that was underneath everything! And it was so elegant, so easy. He could see it, read it, understand it. There were the values for every monster he had ever seen. One single digit showed if they were alive or death. One single digit for their stats. Values that showed where everybody was, who was king, who was a shopkeeper. It was all there, even the code of the stone around them, the crystals, the lava.

“The code!”, the scholar cried out. “It’s the code!”

“It is.”

“And it’s so easy! So simple! I could do anything with this!”

“I can only advise you against it.” said the newcomer but the scholar was far to excited to hear them.

They reached out, took the numbers. Shifting some values here, altering some numbers there. And finally releasing the code to make it take effect.

[LOAD]

At first, the world flickered, indicating that the alternations the scholar made were taking effect.

“YES!”, they cried, whole body shaking with excitement. “YES! IT WORKS! IT REALLY WORKS!”

But they were celebrating too soon. Because in the next moment, the floor under them was breaking away and they were suddenly falling, falling, while the world around them glitched and flickered.

“Wh...what happened?”

“You are a dirty cheater. That happened.” The newcomer was floating beside them, falling down next to the scholar. “And this is what happens to dirty hackers.”

And suddenly the world flickered and the scholar noticed that it was not the world flickering but they themselves! The scholar screamed when he realized what was happening, when he saw his own code flickering and unraveling, numbers falling, hitting zeros all around and finally corrupting further, forming strange symbols instead of numbers.

“NOOOOOOO!”, the scholar cried, the end of his screaming fading, transforming into corrupted screeching before disappearing totally.

The world gave one last flicker and the scholar had disappeared. In fact, it was like they were never there in the first place, name and status and everything they did forgotten to monster kind.

It is said that they wasn’t deleted, thou. That they still exist somewhere, between the code, washed away by the world rebelling against them altering it. Unable to interact with anything, unable to live or die, they would truly have met with the worst fate of all: to be forgotten and remember that forever.”

There was silence when he finished, some kids looking really spooked, others looked like they didn’t really understood the story at all.

“Welp, there you have it. Just remember kids: don’t make deals like “I give everything”. Also don’t cheat, at least not at something big like life.”

“I think we need something different now…”, chuckeld Toriel. “Does anybody want to stop?”

Nobody wanted to so Toriel took the book back and turned another page.

“Ah, the next one is a poem. Of something that could have been or might have been already… It’s called The Tale of a Queen.”, she said gently.

This is a Tale of a monster

From a world way more cruel

Where the only rule is

“In this world, it’s kill or be killed”.

She used to be with her people

And with the King, she was ruling

Until all her hope was destroyed

And she went to live in Ruins.

She wanted to have peace

But children fell down here;

She grew attached to each of them

And they all left to a cruel fate.

Her soul became corrupted

As she started to kill;

The Ruins grew more and more empty

Under her terrible reign.

She didn’t want to wait

For new generations

So she opened the gate

Leading to her prison.

Now she became a myth; hidden in the forest;

It is said that the kids who go close to her place,

When they go past the bridge, they tend to disappear;

Their dust were never seen, the people are too scared.

But there is one monster that she leaves coming in,

Not known for his bravoure but for being lazy

Who despite his brother wanting him far from this

Goes see her everyday and comes back in one piece.

There are rumors going on what this sentry lives

Some says he is in love, some says he is enslaved

But nobody ever dared to go check themselves

And he always denies all the visits he did.

But whatever happens to those who past the bridge,

This monster is still there and she is still active

So if you ever see a door in a forest,

Run as fast as you can or you’ll be burned to death.

“That is a really scary poem.”, mumbled a human. Billy. Sans was very sure it was Billy. And he hated to admit it but he was agreeing with him.

He hadn’t heard the Tale of a Queen for years, last time was when he was just a baby bones himself. It kinda became even more creepy now.

“It is a very old poem, written centuries ago.”, explained Toriel. “It was meant to be as a warning but I admit it is quite spooky nowadays.”

“Can we have another one?”, asked Monster kid.

“Well, we got time for one more.”, said Sans, taking the book from Toriel again. Next one is a human story. Heh, like humans had monster stories, we got human stories. So… something different now.”

He looked over the pages, glancing to Toriel and the children before starting to read.

“Have you ever heard about humans? You know, those creatures from myth where they all have four fingers, many strands of hair, and squishy things inside their chest? Just describing them sends chills down your back, doesn't it?

To a skeleton, a human would seem like a freak, having seemingly eaten a skeleton which now inhabits their body. To a boss monster, they would seem like a friend or their own child. To any other monster? The emotions vary...

You know about human history, right? You've been to the librarby, and read the book about how humans can have a physical form, but grow up and live without any compassion or love? I'm sure you have. It's very gruesome when you think about it.

But maybe the human is just lonely? Maybe they're the way they are because their parents were just assholes who treated them like shit. Maybe they were born without emotion, and can't help how they are. Maybe...it was us?

Let me tell you the story of one particular human. He had never had a happy life. His mother had a job in a different city, never visited, her phone calls lasting about 5 minutes before she hung up. He never grew up with a ma. His father was a nasty piece of work, would beat him up when he was angry, punch holes in walls, yell at people in the street for having different skin, the usual terrible parent. He never grew up with a true pa.

All his life, not one person he talked to would help. People would laugh, ridicule, roll eyes, be a dick or bitch, he didn't care. What was the point in caring if no one did to him?

He ran away from home, carrying a backpack of food and clothes, and never looked back. Once he reached the hills in Ebott, he thought he was free.

But then came GUILT.

It festered inside him, in his soul, and caused it to be still. It wouldn't pulse, wouldn't glow. Stopped.

Until a monster came by.

He was a big creatures, tall, yet very friendly looking and acting. Was shut down immediately by the human, told that he wouldn't 'fucking care 'cause who would'.

He said 'I would' and took him by the hand. He was kind, friendly, the human didn't like it. It felt wrong, he felt even more guilty. The monster only smiled and offered friendship. The human took it to see what it felt like.

Things bloomed from there, and monsters and humans grew closer.

But then hatred sprung up. Arguments, then fights, then war, and now we're stuck underground.

That one human...who knows where he is now. But he was one of the reasons for us being here. He had learned magic.”

There was silence after the story ended, the kids all looking disturbed and sad to some degree and even Frisk flinched when Sans closed the book suddenly.

“Welp that was a downer, huh?”, he chuckled.

“... are humans really that scary?”, asked one of Frisk’s human friends. “Eh…”, made Sans. “It’s complicated. Are we monster scary to you?”

“Miss Toriel is super nice!”, protested one little girl. “And she is fluffy.”

“And you make all sorts of funny puns.”, said another kid. “No way!”

“Even if I am a skeleton?”

“Yeah!”

Sans chuckled, winking at Toriel for a moment. “So… if we are not that scary… then you guys are all just little children and you are just as scary to me as I am to you.”

Some giggled, some looked confused. Frisk looked proud and that kinda was… a nice feeling. He felt Toriel suddenly nuzzling at the back of her soul.

“Well, she shouldn’t be a bonehead about our arrangement.”, she reminded him. “I guess the little ones braved all our stories and we have now a promise to keep.”

“Oh, yeah.”, chuckled Sans. “It would quite bitter and sour of us to keep the sweets huh?”

“Indeed.”

And over the cheer of the children and Papyrus’s outrageous scream, Toriel got the big bowl of sweets for the children, the big old book forgotten on her chair…

For this year.

#Undertale #Sans #Toriel #Undyne #Soriel #Soriel Discord #Halloween special #Undertale fanfic #multiple authors #one fanfic #this was fun #scary stories are being told #three scary stories and some Soriel fluff

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itain · 7 years

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long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...

#negative #long post #dont read #sorry i exist #i wish i didnt too #the shit thing is even writing this out and posting im like...#its like there is two of me and one is saying you just want attention.. you want pity. you want money.#well fuck i want happiness but ill get what i can i guess

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