#but then i just went and rel*psed on literally everything
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#tw eating disorder#tw self harm#tw suicide#i wish late 2018 had never happened#about to majorly overshare feel free to ignore this#i'd gotten to such a good point with my mental health that summer#better than it had been since i was probably about 11#and i was so proud of myself#but then i just went and rel*psed on literally everything#my ed suddenly got worse than ever when that summer had been the best i'd been with handling it ever#i rel*psed w s*lf h*rm and got really s**c*d*l again and i'm just tired#bc although i'm trying to get better and am definitely in a better place than i was then i am still having to hugely deal with the aftermath#of that massive relapse#and it just makes me feel so hopeless because i'm like.. it's never gonna get better ever again huh#abd if it does (which it won't) i could mess it all up again by having ANOTHER big relapse like that#anyway#sorry for the rant i don't need anyone to read thisjdjsjsn i just am havkng a bad day and needed to get it off of my chest#i'm actually doing okay and i know i should give myself credit for that like i'm in such a good place with my ed right now#not perfect obviously but much better than i thought i'd ever be#and i'm like 3 months clean from sh!1?3!4!!3#and it's been like 7 months since i tried to Off myself and like 2 months since i last majorly Wanted to#but it's just so Hard and it makes me angry that it was down to just one relapse of everything#this doesn't make any sense but idk i was thinking about that part of my life and i hate it i can't listen to music i listened to then or#wear clothes i liked wearing then or smell perfumes i used to wear then or eat things i used to eat a lot then and ugghhhhh#i just hate thinking about that time of my life and i also hate having to try to get better bc it's impossible#will probably delete this in a bitjajakxnd i just needed to rant#okay sorry for massively oversharing sndndjdjd#i just wish i weren't mentally ill#my words*
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