re: my last post, i have come to a realisation. taylor momsen is a mezzo trying to be a contralto and lana del rey is a contralto trying to be a mezzo

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 12.1

Hope

The entire campus was in a jovial spirit in the days leading up to the first basketball scrimmage before the start of the season. There were black, bright red, and white flyers hanging left and right in every building. There were events covering every inch of the nearest calendar from campus pep rallies, to parties and gatherings. There was even an unnecessary parade arranged by the city of Athens just for the basketball team! It was all a bit overwhelming since it wasn’t even a real game, but I took in every bit of it and couldn’t deny the sense of excitement I felt from it all. I was excited for the scrimmage, I was excited for the team, but most of all… I was excited for Chris. It was all that I could hope and pray that the lively environment would outweigh whatever funk he was in, but his peculiar behavior just panned out longer, forcing me to believe that something was seriously wrong. He attempted to put on a happy façade, but I knew better. I had a knack for recognizing his troubles and although I knew something was wrong with him, I fell back from the matter to ease the unwanted tension. I didn’t know whether he was putting on the entire façade for the upcoming game, or if he was really trying to fool me into believing he was his typical self again. Whatever it was, I simply had to accept it for what it was and keep moving. With the scrimmage only hours away and people steadily pouring onto campus to wait in the smoldering heat for the arena doors to open, I had hopes that Destani, Cammie, Angel, and I could get there in time for decent seats. Although Chris deliberately pushed a set of four near court side tickets into my hands, promising me that no matter what time we arrived the seats would be vacant, I feared that these die hard Bulldog fans would claim the seats with no shame. It also didn’t make matters any better that with no regard to the time quickly ticking away, Destani forced me to set out on a mission through the overwhelming congested center of campus to find Taylor. He’d told her that him and a few of the other players would be in the Athletics building just before the game and he wanted to see her before setting foot on the court. Following closely behind Destani, I kept my eyes balanced between the uneven pavement beneath me and the untamed tresses of the back of her head, focusing hard on not tripping. She was nearly running and I was trying to keep up with her so we wouldn’t get separated in the crowd.

“Dez, slow down please.” I yelled over the commotion of the crowd.

“So we can get there late and have Tay play horrible ‘cause he couldn’t see me, I don’t think so!” She yelled in return, not even bothering to turn her head in my direction so I could fully hear her. She tugged on my hand as if I were a child about to get lost in a sea of predators, but I couldn’t complain. If it just so happened that we got separated, we probably wouldn’t even be able to use cell phones to find each other in this mass of loud people. With the front doors of the building visible ahead of us, she tugged harder on my hand until she was within reach of the double glass door handles. With a huff, she pulled me through and finally slowed her pace.

“Geez Destani… do you know how many times I almost fell back there?” I complained, whipping loose strands of hair back into the messy bun at the top of my head.

She giggled and sighed, catching her breath after our long hurdle through the throng of obsessed fans “I’m sorry, but that’s how you gotta navigate with these damn crowds… people be wanting to stop all in front of you like you ain’t in no damn hurry. Don’t nobody have time for that.” Rolling my eyes at her rant, I sighed and eyed our new surroundings. The building itself was fairly large and there were weight rooms left and right down the span of the hallway. The scent of sweat and laborious exertion permeated my nose and a sudden waft of remorse washed over me. I couldn’t even imagine what these boys went through day in and day out during their practices. The loud vibration of male voices suddenly surrounded us and I squinted in an effort to spot the source of the commotion. I had even failed to realize that Destani was still speaking to me in a low mumble.

“… and I guess you completely forgot that Chris is probably somewhere here too.” I stared at the back of her head as I tuned in to her words. I hadn’t actually acknowledged that realization and I could no longer control the abrupt excitement I felt after hearing her words. “Babe.” Glancing over Destani’s shoulder, I spotted an ecstatic Taylor rushing toward us from a weight room off to the left side of the hall. Destani squealed and skipped a few steps away from me, greeting Taylor as he quickly stepped up and wrapped his arms around her tiny waist. She threw her arms over his shoulders and pecked his awaiting lips a few times, grinning widely as if she hadn’t just seen him a day ago.

“Hey bae.” She whispered gently, ogling at him as he reached to resituate of few of the curls on her head. I shook my head and smiled at the adoration they showed for one another, suddenly remembering those same feelings that I shared for Chris. “’Sup Sy?” Taylor smiled my way and released Destani from one of his protective arms. I reached out to hug his left side, smirking slyly at Destani as her cheeks flushed. The familiar sight of her openly wearing her esteem for Taylor on her shoulders prompted me to tilt my head past Taylor’s broad shoulder in search for one particular bulldog. “Aw, he ain’t here yet Sy.” He said.

Raising my brows and dropping my gaze, I sighed and mumbled a low “oh” before stepping back from Taylor. From the corner of my eye, I could feel Destani staring at me, clearly catching on to my sudden gloomy demeanor. Ignoring both her and Taylors stares, I smiled at Taylor and blinked back my frustration “So, are you ready to face the crowd tonight?”

Glancing first at Destani, Taylor acknowledged my silent plea to overlook the topic and move on. He smirked and licked his lips, suddenly staring off into space as if he were some high-profile celebrity posing for a magazine “Well, I mean I’m just ready to get out there and… and give the fans what they want.”

Lightly smacking her lips, Destani rolled her eyes and poked her index finger into his side “Boy stop that… the fans don’t want you.” Leaning to accommodate her short stature, he meshed his lips with her forehead and gripped her closer to his side “Actually they do babe. I know you saw the crowd out there. They feigning over us like some fucking crackheads.” With her lovable features quickly contorting into a frown, Destani scoffed and crossed her arms over her chest. Taylor only chuckled and readjusted his arm over her shoulder. I laughed at the sight of her lips pouting out like an irritated child. It was truly hilarious to me that she was always able to manipulate people with her innocent features and expressions. Taylor opted to keep us there with him and the other players until the very last minute, refusing to believe that there was a problem with us loading onto the shuttle with them to head to the gym. Destani, completely immersed in his presence alone, saw nothing wrong with the idea either and I could only be thankful that I was present to prevent her from getting onto the shuttle with them. She pouted a bit more and put me through nearly five minutes of torment when she engaged in a full-on slobber session with him just feet away from me, but she ultimately gave up the fight and walked with me back out into the dwindling crowd. -- “Okay, so one more mothafucka back the hell up on me like they don’t see me fucking walking through here, & I swear I’m swinging.” Cammie fussed as we struggled through the main doors of the Stegeman Coliseum. The amount of people teeming through the doors would fool anyone into believing that we were ducking into a concert hall full of celebrities and I was completely enthralled with the sight and even more astonished with the size of the inside of the arena. I was quite positive that every seat in the place would be full in less than an hour. Struggling through the high archways of the gymnasium, we were finally within reach of the elevated bleachers. We pushed through a thick line of people searching desperately for seats and the anxiety quickly set in… I was sure someone had already claimed our reserved spots. Fortunately, a few minutes later we found our seats pretty quickly and thankfully, they were vacant.

“These damn security guards better be lucky these seats empty… if one bitch and or nigga woulda been sitting here, oh Lord… blood would be shed.” Destani threatened. Both Cammie and Angel laughed and eased behind me into the empty seats. I could only shake my head at Destani’s fussing and sigh with relief. The game didn’t start for another thirty minutes, and with Destani complaining for food at my side, I decided to head down to the concession stands with her, leaving Cammie and Angel in the stands to monitor our seats. I already knew the line would be ridiculous before we rounded the corner to see the extent of it, and much to my dismay, I was completely correct. The line itself stretched to the furthest end of the concession area, curving a bit to fit everyone into the space. Groups of people waited impatiently for their orders to the left of the line, which gave the illusion that there were more people waiting to order food then there really was. Not wasting a minute, Destani swooped my hand into hers and swiftly guided me to the end of the long line. Finding our place at the end, I took the time to occupy myself by people watching. There were several people, females in particular, dressed in Bulldog apparel. Several wore only the colors, either coordinating shirts and accessories, or going all out with body paint and tattoos. After a while I started to notice that several, if not most, of the student body seemed to advertise their favorite player. With a few glances in just about every direction, it became quite clear to me that just about everyone in my near proximity wore the same familiar double digits… #20. Whether it was the simple fact that they adored him for his skills or for something more, I wasn’t sure. I took one last glance at the identical numbers on the backs of a group of girls who squeezed past us and decided to let the thought go. Cruising through the line much quicker than I’d anticipated, Destani ordered herself a burger and we headed back to the stands just minutes before the countdown until the start of the game. ….. With forty-three seconds still on the clock and each player positioned strategically on the court, I leaned forward with an anxious twitch and chomped down on my bottom lip. I was quite sure my mouth would be completely red and raw by the end of the game, but I didn’t care… the boys were tied with the South Carolina Trojans at ninety-eight points. The clock ticked steadily, showing no remorse for who would lose, as the Bulldogs moved swiftly down the court with the ball in their possession. Thirty-one seconds now… 102-98. The ball was back in the possession of the Trojans and I spotted Chris crossing an oversized, aggressive guy from the opposing team. With no intent of letting Chris find his man, the one guarding the ball, the oversized Trojan pushed against him with most of his body weight, attempting to send him flying to the floor. Chris, however, had already been blazing through the game with every ounce of hostility aimed at the opposing team. There were even a few occasions where he was benched, not by the refs, but rather by his coach because it was obvious that the rage was rearing its hideous head. I watched him closely, zoning out every other aspect of the game. The guy managed to bump him just slightly from his path, which was more than a blunder on his behalf. I rose to my feet before my body could catch up with my mind. He turned in a flash, glowering at his opponent with less than zero interest in the game, or anything going on around him for that matter. Time slowed to a near halt and so did the clock as I imagined, in horror, what Chris was soon to unleash if he couldn’t keep it together. A shade of deep crimson seemed to rise from the depths of his cheeks to his forehead as he stepped closer to the husky, slightly larger guy. His appearance was that of a human lethal weapon. With a heavy layer of perspiration sheathing his arms and face, and fists clinched tightly at his sides, pushing the veins in his arms to the limit… he looked almost like a cold blooded murder before the very eyes of hundreds of fans and onlookers. I could feel my body trembling in utter fear of what was to come… and what was worse was that I didn’t think there was any way I could even get his attention just to give him a moment of serenity to simply calm himself. I’d completely disregarded the four tickets he’d given me though… and the reality that he knew exactly where we sat in the crowded stadium. Closing his eyes for a split second, he abruptly turned his gaze toward the section of seats situated directly in front of section E of the stadium. It didn’t take long for his darkened orbs to connect with my own and I held his gaze for dear life, fearing that if I faltered even a bit, he was sure to have a meltdown in the middle of the court. I pleaded with him through my eyes alone, begging him not to let a simple competitive push from a guy twice his size get to him. A sudden nudge against my right arm broke my stare and a gasp fled my lips as I snapped my head in Destani’s direction.

“Sy, they won!” She shouted, clapping loudly to match the uproar of the crowd around us. I blinked back my confusion and turned to face the court. 104-98. The bright red neon numbers leapt out at me, confirming that they’d actually snagged a win. Turning my attention back to the ecstatic players on the floor, I searched frantically for any signs of Chris. It’d all happened so fast. One second, I was silently pleading with him to keep his temper under control through only a stare, the next… Chris had suddenly disappeared and the Bulldogs had won. Chris The damage had nearly been done. He had nearly been unleashed. In the middle of the court… in the middle of the damn game. And it was shit like that that had me in a therapist on a weekly basis, trying to get a better understanding of what the hell was happening to me. I could feel myself on the verge of blacking out, but I didn’t understand why and that genuinely scared me. It was the power of a simple second of eye contact with that captivating ice blue stare that saved me. It was absolutely amazing to me that all Hope had to do was look at me, hold my gaze, to give me the strength to calm down. This girl, this… heaven sent angel, was perhaps the only person in the world with the incredible ability to calm me down just by looking at me! She was the reason that, on so many occasions, I’d been able to withstand my own anger and not make a complete fool of myself. Yet, I could no longer bring myself to even touch her with the hands of filth that I’d tainted because of my, “problem”. It literally killed me to know that she was so determined to keep me from hurting myself and those around me, yet all I seemed to do on a daily basis was hurt her and she didn’t even realize it. Out of her presence and away from the watchful eyes of many admirers and fans, I stormed through the wide walkway leading to the locker room. I needed to distance myself from her for a while, because for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to look at her any longer after what she’d just managed to do. Barging into the locker room before the rest of my teammates, I sped to my locker area, snatched up all the necessary shit for a shower, and headed back toward the stalls. 

“Man, I can’t believe we just won that shit dawg. That shit was too fucking close man!” The loud and slightly annoying voice of Shawn blasted through the atmosphere, followed by several other teammates. They all cheered and hollered like they’d just won the damn super bowl and I closed my eyes in an effort to drown out their obnoxious voices. Their voices grew to an annoyingly high level and I leaned against the cool tiles lining the wall, heart racing as I waited for them to ‘round the corner and bombard my moment of peace. “Breezy, yo… that was a sick ass game, huh?” Shawn half yelled, directly in my face. I glared at him with a blank face. With him being the damn loud mouth that he was, I wasn’t expecting him to read my obvious irritation and move on, so I simply held my breath and counted to the highest number my patience would allow.

“And dawg, let me tell you… I see exactly why they got your ass straight from Syracuse… nigga, you are a beast!” Slamming his hand down on my shoulder, he grinned wide and nodded his head. The frown on my face could not be measured as I took in the length of his arm and finally the hand that rested on my bare shoulder. Literally a second before I could feel myself about to snap, Taylor rounded the corner behind Shawn, shower gear in tow, and snatched his intruding hand away from my arm “Step up out the man’s space Shawn, damn.”

If there was a way to send my thoughts of appreciation directly to Taylor for his sudden appearance, I would… Shawn was mere seconds from enduring a great rush of pain against the side of his face, compliments of my hand and the cold tile wall beside him.

“Shut the hell up T… I was just congratulating him.” Rolling his eyes and scoffing like an irate female, he turned and ambled back toward his locker space.

“Annoying as fuck sometimes, I swear.” Taylor mumbled. Choosing not to stick around much longer for anymore annoyance from these niggas, I stalked toward the showers and stepped into the furthest from eyesight. I turned the water to a lukewarm, soothing temperature and after stripping to nothing but skin and body ink, I stepped under the spout and shut my eyes, enjoying the feeling of the water as it drained over the top of my freshly faded head. I timed the shower so that when I did finally get out and make my way back to the locker area, it would be completely empty. I was nowhere close to a frame of mind that would allow me to be near anyone else, especially the annoying niggas that I called my teammates. Luckily for me, majority of them had already fled the locker room and the coliseum in its entirety, probably in hot pursuit of after parties and alcohol. With a few stragglers left, I chose to ignore each of them as I marched with the full intent of getting dressed and retrieving my belongings, so I could get the hell away from the building. Not even bothering to check to make sure I’d grabbed all my things, I headed for the door and out into the empty hall. I was glad the stands had finally been cleared… glad that all the screaming fans and students were out of earshot… glad all the thirsty temptation had dispersed without attempting to stick around to make my life even more of a living hell. And I was glad that the only thing I could spot as I headed out into the empty gym was the all too familiar shape of my personal savior. She gazed at Destani and listened intently to whatever she was saying. Though her face was purely relaxed, and beautiful at that, there was an unsettled gleam in her eyes that I couldn’t overlook. She looked like she was listening to everything Destani was saying, but not actually hearing her. Sighing and licking my lips, I tore my gaze away from her. I knew exactly what had her so detached from whatever Destani’s conversation was about and I felt awful for living with the knowledge that it was I who was troubling her.   Following the outline of the spacious court, I walked closer to them and kept my head low. I could tell she’d already spotted me long ago, but I refused to face her because now the guilt was starting to set in.

“Damn nigga, I was starting to think your ass passed out somewhere in there and I was ‘bout to have to come save you.” Taylor chuckled. I completely ignored him and the way he stood there, cuddled up against Destani. It reminded me entirely too much of what I used to have and so desperately wanted to get back with Hope, and I really couldn’t stand to seem them rub it right in my face. Inching closer to them, I finally stopped a few feet away and glanced up only to find Hope staring right at me, brows bent sorrowfully. Taylor was now occupied with his phone and Destani glared at me as if I’d just stepped on her pet mouse.

“You okay?” The soft, melodic tone of her voice caught my attention and I looked down at her as she slowly approached me. She stretched her small soft hands up to cup my face and she gently stroked my cheeks, forcing me to briefly shut my eyes and enjoy her touch. I couldn’t for the life of me understand her ability to soothe whatever this monster was that dwelled in me. Of course I was now more grateful than ever to have her in my life… but now I was starting to obsess over what it meant and how much I knew I really didn’t deserve her. I nodded my response and stared down at her. She looked like a concerned mother and I held back a smirk as her expression lingered. I wanted to assure her that there was no reason for her to be concerned, but I’d be lying to her if I did.

“You played really good tonight.” She mumbled. She suddenly leaned closer to me, balancing herself against my chest, and hesitantly rolled onto the tips of her toes. She paused for only a moment before finally pressing her incredibly soft lips against my own. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d kissed her, let alone been this physically close to her, and I was slightly shocked by the abrupt intimacy. She stayed there for a few seconds, waiting for me to respond to her kiss, but of course all my awkward ass did was stand there, stunned as if this was my very first kiss. Slowly pulling away, she sighed and frowned, staring straight at my chest with frustration all over her face.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, closing my eyes and pressing my lips against the top of her head “Thank you.” “So Sy, we going to this party now or what?” An evidently irritated Destani asked, not even trying to hide her distaste for me. She was still mad at me for what I'd done to Hope weeks ago and it was clear that it would take some time for her to move past the incident and forgive me. I honestly couldn’t even blame her for the way she felt. It was just hard to face her, knowing that she was never gonna let me live down my mistake. “Um, I think we’re gonna pass on this one Dez,” She mumbled, breaking our intense eye contact and turning briefly to face Destani, “You and Taylor can go ahead and I’ll just meet up with you later.”

Destani eyed her carefully, raising a skeptical brow as if allowing Hope to venture off somewhere with me was the absolute worst idea. With a nod of reassurance, Hope turned and focused her gaze on me, grabbing a limp hand from my side. I still wasn’t quite used to the feel of her touch and I flinched, but all she did was smile, already accustomed to my unnecessary edginess.

I had no idea where she planned to go if she wasn’t going to any of the after parties with Destani. I didn’t even know if she had a set destination in mind, but she seemed content enough to go sit on a bench somewhere, instead of wasting her time at an overcrowded, funky party. I couldn’t complain though. I was extremely content being in her presence, even though our time spent with each other now-a-days measured nowhere near what it’d once been. 

TBC...