I can't take myself seriously.

This is for the LU discord weekly prompt: "everything is the same EXCEPT ___" And I decided to make everything the same- except Time is a Muppet!

This turned into a full blown AU (/srs)

ok y'all have been sorting pjo characters into hogwarts houses which would be nice if you were doing it right

it’s great that you’re trying and all but the thing is, I find a lot of them following the same pattern:

All the demigods are automatically in Gryffindor, because they’re super brave. Octavian and Ethan Nakamura and Clarisse and all sorts of people the fandom doesn’t like are obviously in Slytherin because, you know, Slytherin is hella evil. Then we’ve got the stuck-ups in Ravenclaw and the background characters in Hufflepuff, ‘cause apparently it’s the potato House.

Since all this is hella stereotypical and not at all correct, I was like, well, what would I do? Well hERE IS THE ANSWER ASSHATS

*bill nye voice* please...cOnSiDeR tHe FoLLoWiNg

Percy is a hella Hufflepuff, no denying it, not one bit. He doesn’t care about a position or nothing, he is just a pure Hufflepuff inside and out.

Let’s talk about some major Hufflepuff qualities here:

• Dedication (yo my boy percy is pretty dedicated to the camp and to staying alive am i right i mean he was literally not at all tempted to join kronos’ army like ever soo yeah. also. consider a thing. have u even read the books. if they are a smol bean and he has met them at least 15 mins ago u bet ur lil ass he’s dedicated)

• Patience (percy has not decapitated a SINGLE god on purpose and they all keep coming back, i mean it’s bound to happen someday but CMON YOU GOTTA ADMIRE HIM FOR THAT. literally so patient. even by ADHD standards and its ok u can ask me i have ADHD but that’s beside the point back to percy now)

• Loyalty (it’s his freaking fatal flaw wtf else do you want from him??? to jump into tartarus out of loyalty to his girlfriend??? you do one wrong thing to percy’s friend and he will mESS UP YOUR SHIT LIKE A TRUE HUFFLEPUFF DON’T EVEN PRETEND HE WON’T. remember nancy? I THOUGHT SO. FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE SERIES. AND IT ONLY GETS BETTER)

THAT BEING SAID: ALL THESE THINGS ARE DEF PRETTY IMPORTANT TO PERCY OKAY

Conclusion: HELGA HUFFLEPUFF IS HAPPY THAT SHE HAS SUCH A HELLA HUFFLEPUFF IN HER HOUSE WHERE HE BELONGS.

Don’t try to tell me my girl Annabeth is a Ravenclaw because she ain’t no Ravenclaw get outta my face and let me lay down some FACTS here

LOOK AT THESE SLYTHERIN/ANNABAE TRAITS

• Cunning (we all know what this means so lemme just throw down some hella rad SYNONYMS because those are just the bOMB DIGGITY: we got crafting, scheming, designing, and calculating rn. YOU KNOW WHO IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS? MY GIRL ANNIE. FIGHT ME. I GOT ANNABETH ON MY TEAM AND SHE WILL SLAY YOU WITH HER CLEVERNESS AND DECEIT BEFORE SHE EVEN TAKES OUT HER DAGGER. SHE TRICKED ARACHNE INTO WEAVING HER OWN DEATH TRAP FOR ZEUS’ SAKE)

• Resourcefulness (lil bby annabeth ran away from home in SAN FRANCISCO when she was SEVEN and met luke and thalia in RICHMOND which is in VIRGINIA. SHE WAS SEVEN AND SOMEHOW WENT FROM THE WEST COAST TO THE EAST COAST. GOTTA BE RESOURCEFUL FOR THAT. also remember that time when she broke her ankle, scolded it, then made a cast out of bUBBLE WRAP? BECAUSE I DO. AND THEN THE WHOLE WEAVING A BRIDGE THING. DANG GIRL.)

• Ambition (don’t deny it this girl’s fatal flaw is pride and those two things are connected aS SHIT. SHE’S SO INTENT ON BEING AN ARCHITECT THAT SHE GOT THE GODS TO GIVE HER A JOB REDESIGNING MOUNT OLYMPUS AND THATS A BIG ASS THING IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. reminder that this girl had the chance to get away from a sphinx but she challenged it instead because it was sorta insulting?? who else do we know is like this?? oh yeah fUCKIGN SLYTHERINS)

ANNABETH BAMF CHASE HAS ALL THESE QUALITIES AND SHE KNOWS IT. THAT’S WHY SHE USES THEM TO HER ADVANTAGE SO OFTEN.

Conclusion: SALAZAR SLYTHERIN SAYS ANNABETH CHASE CAN SLAY HIS BASILISK ANYTIME THAT’S HOW PERFECT SHE IS FOR THIS HOUSE.

LEMME TALK TO YOU ABOUT A THING HERE. A BIG THING. AN IMPORTANT THING. JASON IS A RAD LIL RAVENCLAW BOOGER AND HERE’S WHY. THERE ARE A WHOLE LOTTA RAVENCLAW TRAITS BUT IMMA GIVE YOU 3.

• Wisdom (yeah annabeth’s mom may be the goddess of wisdom but if jason wasn’t wise then how the heckity heck would he have survived long enough to be made a freaking PRAETOR. also you know what fight me. jason is the equivalent of a giant dog that is a floofer and goes boof and loves small children but that has nothing to do with wisdom anyway he is one of the smartest out of the seven)

• Individuality (yeah that’s a thing go ask my girl JK. if jason isn’t so Original™ then explain to me please how he restored the Fifth Cohort to awesomeness?? he was a total badass who didn’t take any shit and turned it around for the whole cohort that’s how. this lil boi is an individual yis. one might ask how can one be a badass but also be a fluffball? well jason did it so stop asking ok)

• Acceptance (we are talking about the official mom friend and the founder of the nico di angelo protection squad what else do you want him to do, hug mother earth??? he wrote the song you’ve got a friend in me because he loves everyone)

SEE HERE: JASON IS A TOTAL DORK NERD WHO POKES PIPER AND GOES “PIPER. PIPER LISTEN TO THIS THING I FOUND OUT TODAY. PIPER ISN’T IT AWESOME”

Conclusion: NOWHERE ELSE IS WHERE JASON GOES. HE WEARS THE RAVENCLAW DIADEM TO ALL OF HIS CLASSES. FIGHT ME. ALSO THE GREY LADY BC HE MAKES HER COOKIES AND SHE LOVES IT EVEN THOUGH SHE’S DEAD AND CAN’T EAT THEM.

Consider yourself a thing. Consider all of the Gryffindor Piper things. JUST CONSIDER THEM.

• Recklessness (subtle reminder that Piper used her charmspeak to fuckign steal stuff even though she knew she would get caught. also consider yourself some other things. remember when she anNIHILATED A FRICKIN GODDESS WITH HER IMPULSIVENESS BECAUSE YES. remember when she and anniebell had to do the thing with the stuff that was all about feelings and shit but lil orphan annie over there was totally lost and all like “this is hella illogical” and pipes was just all “we just gotta dO THE THING ANNABETH” and it was total badassery bc it’s the reason i live)

• Bravery (this girl went on her first quest like a week after she found out she was a demigod and would probably die a painful death bUT DID SHE STUTTER?? nah. REMEMBER WHEN SHE SCREAMED AT A CROWD OF ANGRY ROMAN CHILDREN WHO WANTED MURDER BECAUSE JASON GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK AND SHE HAD TO PROTECT HIM??? BRAVE. went on her first quest knowing that her dad was probably gonna die and did all the things to make the giants angry and plan a rescue??? BRAVE AF.)

• Chivalry (HELLA amazing friend because she’s just sO GENUINE AND KIND and you know that if someone hurts you she will CUT THEM WITH HER SUPER BADASS KNIFE THAT GIVES PEOPLE NIGHTMARES. stands by jason ALL THE TIME especially when he needs her and actually everyone can count on her for all of the things.)

SO: IF YOU DON’T THINK PIPER IS HELLA BRAVE THEN YOU ARE VERY WRONG MY DEAR FRIEND.

Conclusion: Piper would have defeated Voldemort by year 2 but sadly she was not the chosen one. GODRIC GRYFFINDOR SAYS HER FACE SHOULD BE PERMANENTLY ENGRAVED ON HIS SWORD SO THAT THE LAST THING THEIR ENEMIES SEE IS THE CUTE AND UNFORGIVING FACE OF PIPER MCLEAN.

On the subject of Leo: This child is a Ravenclaw through and through no evidence needed but jUST IN CASE I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE STUFF.

• Creativity (we are talking about a smol bean who makes tiny helicopters and stuff that actually works WHEN HE IS NOT EVEN LOOKING AT WHAT HE IS DOING OR PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO IT. remember how this child saw a terrifying bronze dragon that everyone had tried and failed to tame and just went “sweet, imma grab that so we can ride off into the Canadian sunset”??? yeahp. remember when apollo needed a thing so he just casually freaking iNVENTED A BRAND NEW INSTRUMENT LIKE IT WAS NBD??? I DO. BADASS)

• Originality (leo practically becomes famous for his abilities to come up with plans that are so ridiculously original that nobody figures out what’s happening before it’s too late and if that’s not good enough for you then idk what is. allow me to raise you the cyclops incident, right next to the robot eidolons thing plus that whole fiasco where he fuckign died, also did i mention the valdezinator or the fact that he was the only person to ever figure out how to return to ogygia?? this kid is a mechanical engineer already and he’s 16 im pretty sure baby eight year old leo sat through calculus classes at a local college and got the best grades tbh)

• Wit (leo is the master of comebacks and rash two-minute ideas that actually end up working like damn son this is a purebred Ravenclaw right here lemme just appreciate this. also hey remember that time where he got launched off of a flying ship and was hurtling downwards at a very alarming rate because you know that’s what happens when you fall and he literally actually built himself a working helicopter so that he wouldn’t die all while free falling from probably at least a few thousand feet in the air like damn son)

AS A FOOTNOTE: LEO CAN RIVAL ANNABETH IN KNOWLEDGE I MEAN HE IS A MECHANICAL ENGINEER WHAT MORE DO YOU ASK FOR

Conclusion: Leo and Jason share the diadem. Leo gets it on mondays, wednesdays and fridays and Jason gets to wear it on tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays and on sundays they surrender it to the marble bust of Rowena Ravenclaw in the Ravenclaw Tower who says that LEO DESERVES TO BE IN RAVENCLAW EVEN MORE SO THAN YOUR AVERAGE STUDENT COME AT ME BRO

ok well hazel is somehow both my child and my mom so I’m not exactly sure how that works but anyway hERE ARE ALL THE REASONS THAT HAZEL IS A BEAUTIFUL, BADASS SLYTHERIN.

• Cunning (hey y'all remember that time with the cliff and the turtle and the feet?? terrifying huh?? yeah girl slay!! hazel will trick you and manipulate you and you won’t have any idea it’s happening until you’re being gobbled up by your own gargantuan pet sea turtle. Slytherins are also known for achieving their ends in any and all ways and all i could think of was how my child actually literally fuckign died so that she could stop the rise of acelonywhatever and the whole time she was 13 and staring death and gaea right in the frickin face and she didn’t give any shits at all)

• Resourcefulness (let’s talk about that time when hazel was “captured” by the amazons and basically had nothing so she did the only logical thing which was drown them in massive piles of jewelry from the warehouse and make them beg for mercy, also there was this horse thing that nobody could touch and she just casually goes “oh just a sec lemme summon a giant gold nugget that was probably at least a mile into the dirt because how else would it be this big” and he loves her and she rides him into victory. did i mention that hazel is my mom?? this is just one (1) of the sUPER RAD RESOURCEFUL THINGS that hazel manages to pull off)

• Ambition (hazel both believes and knows for a fact that she can literally do all of the things and she never once doubts herself like at all because she is AMAZEBALLS LIKE THAT. SHE WAS 13 AND THE AMAZONS WERE ALL LIKE “DANG GIRL WE WANT YOU ON OUR TEAM” and she was like “i got this huge to-do list but nbd i’ll get her done” like she is pURE CONFIDENCE AND. YES)

Also: SHE’S TOTALLY SUPER COOL WITH ALL THE THINGS AND IS NEVER FAZED. THAT IS MY GIRL.

Conclusion: HAZEL LEVESQUE IS SLYTHERIN AF AND WILL ALWAYS ACHIEVE HER ENDS NO MATTER HOW MANY GIANT SEA TURTLES SHE HAS TO FEED YOU TO. SALAZAR SLYTHERIN FRICKIN APPROVES AND THINKS THAT SHE IS JUST AS TERRIFYING AS ANNABETH.

Not gonna deny that my lil noob Frankie's a tRUE PURE-HEARTED GRYFFINDOR. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD AGREE WITH ME.

• Chivalry (WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A CHILD WHO WILL TRIP OVER HIS OWN FEET AND PUNCH HIMSELF IN THE FACE IF IT MEANS HE’S SHOWING RESPECT TO YOU. my dude doesn’t care who you are, he will literally always show you respect until he’s given a reason not to. everything he eVER DOES is because he’s PROTECTING SOMEONE or he’s GETTING A LIL BIT OF PAYBACK and if that’s noT A GRYFFINDOR THING THEN DAMN SON YOU SHOULD REALLY SORT OUT YOUR PRIORITIES)

• Bravery (if you’re going to come into mY HOUSE and tell me that FRANK ZHANG ISN’T BRAVE then feel free to hit yourself in the face with a hammer because guess what losers?? this kid loses his mom and then his gma just goes “oh by the way you’re half god and you have a gift that you need to figure out for yourself and also here’s this piece of wood, don’t burn it or else you will actually die, now go with this pack of fuckign wolves to camp so that monsters won’t attack you and you won’t die, plus when you get there you have to beg forgiveness for this thing that your great grandfather did or else they might literally murder you. have fun” and frankie just rOLLS WITH IT AND KICKS ASS WHILE BEING A CUTE LIL CHUBBY BUNNY. LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT HOW HE COMPLETELY OBLITERATED A WHOLE CITY’S WORTH OF MONSTERS to appease a stupid ass god and save nico and hazel from being forever plants and he gets back and trippy is absolutely terrified of him because omg he’s glowing red and he actually did the thing and oh also he kind of scared me so much that i sort of forgot i was a god and had power over him)

• Nerve (let me repeat how FRANK ENOUGH NERVE TO THREATEN A GOD WITHOUT EVEN THINKING OF THE CONSEQUENCES. I’M SO DONE WITH THIS. THIS IS MY SHIT THANKS. PLS APPRECIATE FRANKIE YOURE ALL BREAKING MY HEART. Also remember how he entrusted his real actual lifeline to somebody who wasn’t him like daaang boi that is so pure)

Additionally: FRANK ZHANG IS THE REASON I AM ALIVE AND WELL. ALSO REMEMBER HOW HE BECAME PRAETOR?? I DO BELIEVE THAT IS THE MOST BADASS WAY ANYONE HAS EVER BECOME PRAETOR PLEASE AND THANKS

Conclusion: GODRIC GRYFFINDOR CRIED WHEN FRANK WAS SORTED INTO HIS HOUSE. GODRIC DOESN’T THINK HE EVEN DESERVES FRANK. FRANK CAN HAVE 4 OF HIS SWORDS.

THIS HAS BEEN A THING. A THING WITH HOUSES AND PJO. I HOPE THIS WAS ENTERTAINING AT LEAST. THANK YOU KINDLY.

Loz Fanfic Thing

for @du-hjarta-skulblaka and whoever else is interested note: this /did/ have some formatting but ut didnt copy/paste, im on movike, and im lazy Open on Cosplayer Dude at convention in Link Cosplay, having a good time (maybe in vendor's hall?) Bam! Fuckin Ganondorf comes through the wall like the Kool Aid Man going on about “those god damned goddesses fucking putting the triforce in this shit hole” Ganondorf sees our hero and is like “Agh! /YOU/! I thought I took care of you! Oh well, once more never hurt anyone” and Hero immediately shits pants Ganondorf essentially takes our hero prisoner w a planned execution Zelda in hiding as one of his minions frees Hero at last minute, runs off w them Big Epic Chase Scene. Hero runs off something/into something/is nearly caught but saved at last minute which leads to blackout and meeting Main Ally (but not Companion. No Companions) Cue “You’re the hero!” “Im most definitely fucking NOT the Hero! Im only dressed up as him! Im not even guy! MY NAMES NOT EVEN LINK!” (Maybe a “Who’s Link? His name was ’(Our Hero’s Name)’”and then an “Oh jesus fuck” “Ok well if ur gonna be fighting you gotta get a proper sword and shield” “Well I GUESS!” *cue raiding the ruined Vendor’s Hall for a sword and shield (neither look like the things but that get painted like them later) Cue Search for the Stones/Pearls/Pendants and travelling between dimensions via lame old plastic ocarina and the rushed learning of Legendary Hero (comment on cheesiness) Courage: needs hammer Wisdom: Needs boomerang Power: Needs floaty glidey thing (sailcloth-type maybe?) Cue Hurdy Gurdy Get and Main Theme Learn (acts as Zelda’s Lullaby in OoT) Cue Quest for Master Sword (cue quest for Master Sword Sheath) -found in Temple of Time (but what about the sheath tho) Cue Quest for Hylian Shield Cue Return to Ally -learn Clocktown Theme as Home Warp Song Oh no! Ganondorf has found the Triforce of Power! (Of course) Chase after Ganondorf as he tries to get the Triforce of Wisdom -End up protecting Zelda on her way out/sneaky leading her out maybe bc she got there first -maybe Look-Alike plan? Race to the Triforce of Courage -Rejects Hero at first bc idk they dont accept their role as Hero or smth. Maybe they just need to accept the courage in themself? Accept that they value courage and have been denying it bc it’s “cliche”? -but also rejects Ganondorf bc he values Power above all and he’s got that piece Cue Standoff with Ganondorf Cue ToC finally accepting Hero “Oh now i can take you you piece of shit” “to be fair, if youd taken it at first, Ganondorf couldve taken it from you.” “.../why/ did you have to have the Triforce of Wisdom” Cue Return to Ally Zelda stays behind at Ally’s bc she thinks she wont be found and/or shell be able to hold her own and/or she can make it defensible/hideable -this place becomes a dungeon later on -”You won’t listen to me when I tell you I know for a FACT this won’t work, right?” “Well, no. But also i cant fight im gonna fuckin die if i go out there w you.” “Tru” Shakey Shakey its an Earth Quakey Cue Trip to find Wise Guy Sahasrala to find out wtf’s going on “Its bc the worlds have been forced close together. They’re becoming unstable.” “Well how tf do I push them apart?” “Ya gotta get both Zelda and Ganondorf back into Hyrule bc they’re keeping it here” Question of whether or not our Hero needs to go w them or do something else- WAIT -The Goddesses just merged the Spirit of the Hero w out Hero one day bc that Link fuckin DIED and so at the Very End the spirits un-merge and our Hero gets to meet THE Hero YES (note: Decide what Kind of Link this kid is) Parts of Hyrule start appearing in our world and Vice Versa Return to Ally’s Place to find it dungeon-ified, Zelda missing presumably deep in the dungeon, and Ally lying bleeding, dying “Yo Zelda’s in there but you’re gonna need a whole HOST of other items to get through there” *dies* Cue Questing for Other Items (Both Tunics / Environment Devices, Bow, Hookshot, and Bombs) -cue instructions and/or panic about learning to use the items (Water Thingy on breathing, Hookshot on fuckign BONES, and Bombs on ignition and usage) Back to the Ally Dungeon! HOLY SHIT LEARN SONGS FEATURED AND/OR USED IN THEGAMES THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE THING (Zelda’s Lullaby doesn’t do anything here go fuck urself) (here it’s the main theme) Go through JUST in time to see Ganondorf take Zelda (of course) (but she at least puts up a fight this time) Standoff w Ghost/Shadow/Phantom Ganon “Well Shit What do I do Now?” Goes back to convention Cue Reflection on all this fucking shit Cue another Link Cosplayer coming up and being like “Dude holy fuck what the fucking shit” Cue Useful Information on Ganon’s Whereabouts “How’re we gonna get in tho its fucking heavily guarded (bc i figure you could use some help im coming with but i also dont quite recognize you’re /really/ the Hero bc thats not a real thing at least i dont think it is)” “Take this old replica shit I got at the start of this fucking fiasco and come confuse w me, his monsters are rly dumb theyll never know we’re diff heights and maybe even skin colors” They succeed “Yo bro this is getting a bit much for me and you look like you’ve got it good luck and let me know if you need my help again. Heres my number” “god i forgot phones were a /thing/” Cue finding Ganondorf and Final Standoff in Our World Cue Sacred Realm or some bs scene Cue Message from the Goddesses in form of Big Mysterious Voice saying “whoops we fucked up cant push away the worlds until Spirit of Hero is unmerge” (clever hints all along that Spirit of Hero was there and at least part of the time acting) “Looks like you gotta Stab the Thing in the Temple of Time. Also leave all your cool shit there please” -actually maybe not bc most things can be made -maybe its like “look we know there’ll still be residual effects and shit in your world so a) Take these Ghost Versions of shit that work the same and go fight it or b) take the Actual Items and they’ll find their way back to Hyrule later Cue journey to Temple of Time to stab sword in pedestal Cue Meeting w the Spirit of the Hero and subsequent near fan-personing of Our Hero Long talk about everything (and maybe the bringing up of the Link name) -”nah bro my name’s Link idk what that shit was probably the Goddesses doin shit” “So you mean I wasnt actually destined to be the hero?” “No you were, but the name always helps.” -I imagine this Link to have much of the personality and maybe look of Skyward Sword Link which makes sense bc he was the Original Link Cue Return to Our World and Wrapping Up of Shit Cue Epilogue Our Hero Agender, but if asked will say Mayonnaise Needs glasses so has to wear those fuckin sports glasses -I hate those glasses -they have silver/gray ones. The kind that look like weird goggles After Inciting Incident they go and fucking use ALL the bobby-pins to keep their hat on -”Suddenly I kinda maybe rly wanna wear this through the adventure. At least it’s well made and I’ll get several kicks out of keeping it on” Swears at anything and everything in a dungeon -“OH BOY A BOSS ROOM NOT LIKE IM FUCKING SURPRISED” -“god damned FLOOR/WALLMASTERS I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!!! FUCKIN LEAVE ME ALONE” Has played many a Zelda