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uswntpoet · 5 years

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Love on the brain (Part 19)

Sooooo, it's been a while guys. I'm really sorry that the update took so long, but at the same time I can't ensure to be much faster for the next few months. However, the story isn't over, so don't worry and as a small compensation the chapter is a bit longer :) Also thanks for all your kind feedback and messages, it keeps me motivated to write. As always, let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

The song is 'Three Little Birds' by Bob Marley & The Wailers

The chapter is also up on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17576201/chapters/49460396

Kelley knows the stadium is packed. Their media team told them that the match was sold out within minutes after the tickets went on sale. Normally, it only gets her even more pumped when huge crowds are cheering for them. However, when she hears the deafening roars on her way to the player tunnel, she has to admit that her heartrate starts speeding up a bit. It’s not due to the fact that she doesn’t feel prepared, it’s more so that today something just feels different and Kelley is not so sure if she can remember the last time, she felt like this. She stops in the middle of the tunnel, turning around to look for her teammates. Instead, she sees the German team starting to line up next to her, no one with an US jersey in sight.

“Hab auf jeden Fall die Nummer fünf hier im Auge. Wenn die es einmal schafft dich zu überlaufen, kommt die Flanke definitiv in den Strafraum.“ the blonde player with the captain‘s armband says to another girl, who is nodding before eyeing Kelley closely.

Kelley doesn’t understand much German, however she is proud that she can at least count to ten and maybe say Hello and Thanks. Today she wishes she couldn’t, because it’s enough to realize that they are definitely talking about her. ‘Nummer fünf’ sounds an awful lot like ‘number five’. Kelley turns her head to look at the girls directly and gives them a death stare. They notice quickly and turn around again. Kelley does so as well, trying to get into her zone, but she frowns when she is too distracted to concentrate. That’s also when she realizes that she got even more nervous. She feels like the drums in the stands make the tunnel quake and she is not far from the point of losing her mind. Slowly but surely, she starts to understand why. It’s the first game since the Chapman incident. The last time she stepped on the pitch, she totally lost control over herself and somehow, she is afraid it might happen again if somebody comes on to Alex. It has been lingering in her mind for a few days now, distracting her, making her think that the fans are angry at her and even worse, making her think that she might disappoint Alex. For the next minute, she remains the only US player in the tunnel and all she can hear is loud German chatting. Now, she definitely doesn’t understand a word and being there all alone is starting to have an impact on her. She starts taking deep breaths while zoning out and cracking her neck nervously. After what seems like an eternity, blurry silhouettes of her teammates walk past her. Meanwhile, Kelley just remains rooted to the ground, occasionally feeling a motivational pat on her back or a slap.

“Go get ‘em, tiger.” Alex whispers in her ear while passing her and slapping her butt.

Alex lines up in the spot in front of her and turns around to look at Kelley when she is not responding. This pulls Kelley out of her trance and her head shoots up quickly. When she looks into Alex’s eyes, she realizes that it also slipped her mind to talk to somebody about her concerns. Kelley just pushed it to the back of her mind, because she thought she could handle it on her own. What she didn’t expect is that it would affect her this much when it’s actually time to play the game.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks concerned, eyeing Kelley warily.

“I-“ Kelley starts, the rest of her words stuck in the back of her throat.

Kelley clears her throat, shaking her head and Alex looks even more worried than before.

“I’m kinda nervous.” Kelley admits, looking at Alex wide eyed.

Alex opens her mouth and closes it again, looking at her perplexed, “Are you?”

Kelley nods her head and Alex grabs her hand as discreetly as possible, not wanting to attract any attention to them.

As long as she can remember, Alex has been nervous before games. It started when she was a little girl, playing with her sisters, trying to be as good as them, as fast as them, as strong as them. In high school, Alex always felt like she had to prove herself to someone, prove that she was good enough, prove that she got better, prove that she trained hard. When she finally got into college, she had somehow mastered to prove herself. Now nobody doubted her potential and just when she thought she had managed to overcome her nervousness because she didn’t have to prove herself to anyone anymore, the weight of living up to everybody’s expectations was put on her. ‘Alex will make us win the game’, ‘Alex will be a crowd pleaser’, ‘Alex will be the face of soccer’, ‘Alex will get us to the championship’, ‘Alex will become famous one day’ and Alex did all that, but never without a huge amount of nervousness, due to the pressure that has been put on her. When Alex got called up to the National Team her nervousness was at its peak. The U-20 team was the most competitive team she had ever been a part of and the pressure to stay on the team was brutal. However, Alex proved herself yet again and even after a disastrous ACL injury, she got called up again. In 2008, everything started to change. Alex was invited to yet another camp and that’s where she met a very pretty girl that couldn’t have cared less about being nervous. As long as she can remember, Kelley has never been nervous before games. Of course, there were the ones that seemed to be more exciting, where you could feel that they meant something, something more than just herself. Still, all in all, Kelley was always able to channel that kind of energy into something her teammates liked to call craziness or attitude. To Kelley it always was the desire to win, to be better than anyone else. Ever since she was young, standing on the pitch was freedom to Kelley. It was a place where she could let out all of her energy, where she could be creative, where the line between pressure and peace was so fine that it was almost indistinguishable. Something that felt like it was made for her. Kelley loved pressure, she loved showing what she was able to do, playing against the best, competing, but most of all she loved wining and that’s also why she always was such a great athlete. While the pressure of having to win made other’s crumble, it made Kelley calm and soon Alex learned that if Kelley was calm, she was going to be calm as well. Whenever she was in her proximity, Kelley somehow managed to make Alex feel serene. So one thing Alex knows for sure, if Kelley is nervous it means something else is off. Her mind drifts off to every time Kelley has made her feel at ease before a game and the pictures in her head put a soft smile on her face. She takes a step towards Kelley and pulls her in a tight embrace.

“I want you to only focus on me.” she whispers in her ear.

Kelley can feel Alex’s chest rise and fall against hers slowly.

“Breathe with me.”

Kelley takes a deep breath with her, holding it when Alex does so as well. Alex can feel Kelley’s heart pounding against her chest. That’s when she starts singing softly in her ear and it makes Kelley close her eyes and exhale deeply. It’s very faint, almost inaudible, but Kelley can hear it loud and clear.

"Don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing is gonna be alright

So baby, don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing is gonna be alright”

Kelley smiles brightly at the gesture, her mind cleared from any thought that was roaming through it just moments ago.

FLASHBACK ON

October 6th, 2010

“Alex, you’re getting subbed in for A-Rod for the last 20 minutes of the second half.” Pia announces in the locker room, when discussing the substitutions.

Alex’s eyes go wide, a shudder running down her spine. ‘Please don’t get nervous again, you got this.’, she says to herself, trying to calm herself down. Externally, she tries to overplay it as her heartrate is starting to pick up unhealthily and apparently, it’s working since no one seems to notice. That’s until she notices Kelley’s eyes on her, observing her closely. She nervously runs her hand through her hair and Alex is glad when Abby starts talking to her.

“You okay there, baby horse?” Abby asks quietly.

Alex looks past Abby, making eye contact with Kelley, who is not averting her gaze.

“Besides the fact that I feel like throwing up, yes.” Alex attempts a joke to play it down, but it’s clear that Alex is anything but okay, at least to Kelley, who witnesses the conversation.

Abby laughs loudly at Alex’s joke.

“Been there, get it out of your system.” Abby says with a pat on her shoulder, before turning around to hype up the group.

“Okay guys, listen up. I want to win this damn game, so I need everyone to focus from the first second of the warm up, to the last minute of the additional time, understood? Let’s do this!!” Abby yells a little bit too enthusiastic.

The team joins in on Abby’s enthusiasm and they all start making their way towards the pitch with loud cheers. Kelley starts following them, being the one who leaves the locker room last. After a few strides, her step falters and she comes to a halt. Kelley doesn’t know why, but it just feels like she forgot something. Thinking that it might jog her memory, she turns around and heads back to the empty locker room. She walks straight to her locker to go through it, but doesn’t find anything that could be missing. She turns around cluelessly, meaning to leave again when she sees Alex still sitting in front of her locker, her face buried in her hands. They’ve become good friends, knowing each other for quite some time, forming a bond over their time on the U-team and since they both are rookies on the full-on national team now, they are also rooming together. Kelley holds her breath, considering to let her have some space, but Alex looks miserable and Kelley thinks she might be crying, so she carefully walks up to her. However, Alex doesn’t move or look up. Kelley eyes her closely. Her back is moving frantically as if she was in a panic and Kelley realizes that she hasn’t even noticed that she is standing right in front of her. She squats down next to her and carefully places her hand on Alex’s back. This makes Alex jump and her head shoots up disoriented, her eyes wide in panic.

“Hey, shhh, it’s okay. It’s just me.” Kelley whispers softly.

Alex needs a moment to refocus her eyes and notice that Kelley is the person kneeling next to her, but when she does, she feels the need to explain herself.

“I-“ Alex starts, but that’s all she can utter before gasping for air. Kelley looks at her patiently, waiting for Alex to articulate what she’s trying to say.

“-nervous-“ Alex gets out before her lungs run out of oxygen again.

“Alex, look at me.” Kelley says worriedly, placing her hand on her knee, but she doesn’t make eye contact, instead her breathing is only getting faster and faster.

Kelley looks around for any sign of help, but realizes that she has to handle this on her own and she has to do it fast, because Alex looks like she is about to pass out. Kelley moves to kneel in between her legs. She grabs her face with both hands and forces her to look at her. Alex’s eyes lock with hers. She throws her a desperate look, her eyes boring into Kelley’s, as if she was trying to hold on to something, as if it’s giving her a sense of security. That’s when Kelley knows she got her attention.

“I want you to only focus on me, okay?” Kelley demands gently.

Alex nods her head frantically and Kelley makes her stop by tightening the grip on her face. When Alex stops, she gently strokes her cheekbones, looking into her eyes deeply.

“Breathe with me.” Kelley instructs, taking deep, visible breaths to demonstrate how Alex should breathe. Alex is trying her hardest to keep up, but it’s still nowhere near normal. Kelley starts to panic internally, but tries her hardest not to show it. Roaming her mind for a solution, she suddenly has an idea. She pulls Alex into a hug, pressing her chest against Alex’s tightly.

“Okay, let’s try that again. Breathe with me.” Kelley whispers in her ear, holding her close and taking long and slow breaths.

Alex’s trembling body starts to calm down slowly. She is still shaking, but Kelley can feel the change in her breathing against her chest. She places one hand on the back of Alex’s head and caresses it gently, trying to create a feeling of safety. She doesn’t know why, but she suddenly is overcome by the strong urge of comforting Alex even more.

“Rise up this morning

Smiled with the rising sun

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singing sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true

Saying, ‘This is my message to you’

Don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing is gonna be alright

Don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing is gonna be alright” Kelley whispers softly against Alex’s ear.

When she stops, Alex’s breathing is slow and tranquil. Her body has stopped shaking and her heartbeat, which Kelley previously felt hammering against her own chest, steadily pumps at a healthy rate. Still, Alex doesn’t let go of Kelley, now holding onto her tightly.

“You know what? Fuck everybody’s opinions. I know how you play. You’re brilliant and you’re always going to be. Don’t get in your head too much, just play. I know for sure that eventually everybody will remember how you showed them what you are able to do, but that doesn’t have to be today or anytime soon, okay?”

“Okay.” Alex says softly, breathing in Kelley’s scent that is oddly calming.

“I promise you, one day everybody will remember Alex Morgan as one of the best forwards in the world.” Kelley whispers, as if it was a secret and it makes Alex’s heart fill with an unfamiliar feeling of warmth.

They stay in a tight embrace, the room filled with comfortable silence. That’s until they hear approaching footsteps. They break apart quickly and Kelley makes her way to her locker in sonic speed. She pulls her shin guards out of her socks while Alex is still sitting where they parted. The door bursts open and one of the staff members enters, looking quite aggravated.

“Where are-“ he starts, but gets interrupted by Kelley.

“Thanks for walking back with me, I’m so dumb.” Kelley exclaims loudly, looking at Alex, who looks at her questioningly. Before Alex can even process what Kelley is doing, she wiggles her shin guards at the guy.

“I forgot my shin guards. Alex was so nice to walk back with me.” Kelley clarifies.

“Rookies. It’s always the same. Come on now, you need to warm up.” he urges.

They both jump up and follow him. The guy and Kelley are walking so fast that Alex has to jog a little to catch up with Kelley. She reaches for her hand and pulls her back a bit, making Kelley look at her expectantly. Alex squeezes her hand tightly, making Kelley smile.

“Thank you, Kel.” Alex says with as much genuineness as possible.

“Always.” Kelley smiles as if it was nothing.

They step out on the pitch where all the players have gathered to wait for some instructions.

“Hey, Alex are you okay now? Or should we better place a bucket at the sidelines?” Abby laughs.

“Stage fright.” Abby clarifies jokingly, while turning around to the group and pointing at Alex, causing everyone to laugh.

Alex looks to the ground ashamed, avoiding the gazes.

“Shut the fuck up, Abby.” Kelley says firmly, taking a step towards Abby, looking like she’s ready to fight.

That’s when the whole group goes silent, looking at Kelley as if she was out of her mind. Alex looks at Kelley wide eyed, gasping along with a few other teammates, her mouth going dry. Abby looks at her surprised and Kelley knows what she just did is something like committing social suicide or could even lead to her having to pack her things and say goodbye to her dream of playing soccer forever. However, in this moment Kelley doesn’t care and it’s etched across her face. She throws Abby a disapproving, defiant look and the eyes of her teammates switch between her and Abby anxiously.

“What was that, O’Hara?” Abby asks taken aback.

Now everybody’s eyes are on Kelley again, waiting for her to back paddle.

“I said, shut the fuck up. I don’t like you making fun of her like that, you should really know better.” Kelley answers stoically, not retreating one bit.

Abby raises her eyebrows at her and everyone is preparing themselves for Kelley getting crushed. Instead, Abby looks past Kelley and directly at Alex. Alex looks at Abby anxiously, thinking that she is going to flip.

“Sorry Alex, that was totally stupid. We all are nervous from game to game and before my first few matches, I nearly wet myself.” Abby admits remorsefully.

If Alex’s mouth hadn’t already dropped from Kelley attacking Abby, now would have been the time for it. The same goes for all of her teammates.

“As for you,“ Abby says, returning her attention to Kelley, “no rookie has ever spoken to a veteran like this. I like you, O’Hara, that was fucking ballsy.” Abby compliments, patting Kelley on the shoulder with a huge smile.

“Look guys, that right here is the spirit we need in this team. Have no merci for the one’s attacking your teammates, even if it’s your own teammate.” Abby appeals, going into a full-on sermon.

Kelley turns around to Alex and is met with Alex gazing at her with something in her eyes, Kelley can’t read. She rolls her eyes at Abby still going on about team spirit behind them and starts jogging in the other direction, warming up for the game. Alex is left looking after her with a disbelieving shake of her head. Even though Alex tries hard, they don’t get the chance to talk for the rest of the game. However, as if by magic, Alex gets subbed in in the second half and scores her first goal ever, equalizing to a 1-1. After the initial shock and her celebration, she can hear Kelley screaming loudly from the sidelines.

“YEEES ALEX!! YOU SHOW EM’!”

So, before China kicks off again, she points at Kelley, as if she scored the goal for her.

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After a long day, Alex is pretty glad that they are rooming together, because she really feels the need to talk to Kelley. When the hotel door closes behind them, Alex can’t hold back any longer.

“Oh my god, you didn’t really tell Abby fucking Wambach to shut the fuck up!” Alex exclaims.

“I guess I did.” Kelley chuckles.

“Kelley, are you insane?!” Alex gasps.

“She was being an asshole to you.” Kelley shrugs, letting herself flop on the bed.

“Yeah, but we’re rookies, we have to endure that. We can’t just walk around and tell people like Abby to shut the fuck up.” Alex rants, walking back and forth.

“Well, I don’t care. As long as I’m here she won’t treat you like that. She should have payed better attention to your conversation.”

Alex stops and looks at Kelley fascinated, “I just don’t get you sometimes.” she whispers softly.

“Why?” Kelley laughs.

“I don’t know, you sometimes do these things that just leave me speechless, I guess.” Alex says, letting herself fall onto her back next to Kelley.

“Like what?” Kelley asks, watching Alex closely.

“What do you mean like what?” Alex exclaims, turning on her side to face Kelley, “Like protecting me in front of everyone and risking to be thrown off the team or like-“ Alex rants again, but stops herself mid-sentence.

Alex bites her lip unknowingly and Kelley can tell that she’s a little embarrassed or nervous, so she reaches for her hand and gives her a reassuring look.

“-or like holding me through a panic attack and calming me down like it’s no big deal.” she whispers, her voice full of emotion.

Instead of answering, Kelley just stares at her. Alex doesn’t know why, but she somehow loses herself in her eyes. They look at each other a little bit too long and Alex quickly breaks out of her trance, clearing her throat.

“But why am I telling you this, you knew what I meant.”

“Yeah, I guess I just wanted to hear it out of your mouth again.” Kelley smirks.

“You suck.” Alex scoffs, giving her a light push.

“I think you told me otherwise just a few seconds ago.” Kelley grins, teasingly poking Alex in her ribs, who flinches in response.

“Oh my god, stop it!” Alex shrieks, causing Kelley to laugh.

“I’m never being nice to you again if you act like this.” Alex rolls her eyes.

“Impossible, I’m amazing.” Kelley smirks, poking her again.

With that statement Alex has enough, she pins Kelley’s hands to the mattress and climbs on top of her, straddling her waist.

“Stop being so full of yourself.” Alex groans.

“I’m not.” Kelley chuckles, “But do you know who should be?”

Alex shakes her head.

“You.” Kelley says genuinely.

Alex scoffs in response.

“No really, Alex. You scored your first goal today and man, what a stunner. You should be really proud.”

“That was just luck.” Alex refuses.

“Bullshit, Alex. I told you. You’re really really good and everybody is going to see it.”

Alex looks at Kelley rather skeptical, but Kelley shakes her head at that.

“I mean it.” she promises sincerely, patting her hand on her own heart after she freed it from Alex's grip.

“Thanks,” Alex whispers gently, her mouth curving into a soft smile, “for everything.”

Kelley smiles back at her, glad that Alex finally took the compliment.

“Did you see Abby’s face though when you told her to shut up?” Alex bursts into loud laughter, causing Kelley to have a laughing fit as well.

They laugh for several minutes and at one point Alex can’t hold herself up anymore. Her head falls onto Kelley’s chest, which she can feel vibrating from laughter. At one point, they both calm down again, their breathing getting steady until there is full silence in the room. Alex can feel Kelley’s heart beating against her ear, which kind of sets her back to earlier in the day, calming her down again.

“Hey, Alex?” Kelley asks after a while.

Alex lifts her head to look at her, “Mhm?”

“You’re still on top of me.” Kelley grins.

“Oh my god, sorry.” Alex apologizes, turning bright red and quickly climbing off of Kelley.

“No, no feel free to stay there as long as you like. I don’t mind, but eventually we’ll have to switch, I’m more of a top.” Kelley smirks.

“Don’t make it awkward.” Alex warns.

“Who me? I would never.” Kelley chuckles, causing Alex to laugh as well.

FLASHBACK OFF

Ever since Kelley started it, she always sang this song to Alex when she was super nervous before a game. Over the years, it only happened every once in a while, but when it did it always had a magical effect.

“Kel, I know what this is about, but I promise you, you’ve got nothing to worry about, okay? Nobody is mad at you. The fans love you. It’s like you once told me:’ Don’t get in your head too much, just play.’”

“You’re a smart girl, Miss Morgan. Too smart for me.” Kelley winks cutely.

Alex knows that Kelley is not only referring to her reading her mind, but also to singing the song.

“I had a great teacher.” Alex bites her lip, grinning brightly, “Can I kiss you?” Alex whispers.

“What kind of question is that?”

Alex smiles, before turning around to look if the cameras are already in the tunnel, but they aren’t. The players are still forming into a line and the huge hustle in the tunnel is ensuring that everybody is concentrating on something else. When she turns around Kelley is grinning at her.

“What?” Alex chuckles.

“You’re cute.”

Kelley quickly puts her hands on both sides of Alex’s face to guard the kiss from being seen, before Alex leans in and kisses her lovingly.

“You got this, baby.”

“Score me a goal.”

“Always.” Alex smiles, turning around to move towards the end of the line that is forming, but she is stopped by Kelley still holding her hand, making her turn back around and pulling her in.

“You look perfect.” she smiles, pecking Alex’s lips quickly, but not pulling away fully.

Alex is absolutely surprised by the kiss, because Kelley doesn’t seem to care if anybody sees.

“Thank you.” Kelley continues, pressing another kiss to her lips.

Alex smiles back at her, before finally lining up behind the others.

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It’s a hard-fought game between both teams and you can tell that every single player leaves their all on the pitch. After her initial worries, Kelley finds into the match and soon is in total focus. They have more chances and keep the spaces tight in the back, but their attempts at scoring get blocked ardently by the German team, which on the other hand finds no way through their backline as well. It’s a fair, but very physical game and they know, they’re going to have to keep resilient for the whole 90 minutes. After 45 minutes, both teams make their way to the locker rooms frustratedly. The game is still goalless and both sides can use the break. Jill tries to boost their motivation in her half time speech, warning them to not cave in, followed by some tactical instructions. She tells Kelley and Crystal to move up higher and really pressure the German defense by getting into the final third with a higher number of players. On her way back to the pitch, Kelley exchanges some words with Tobin.

“The space is there. We’ll just have to be quicker. If we try you holding the ball, distracting the midfielder and the outside back, I might be able to overlap with a quick give and go. That should do the work. Their outside back is not going to be fast enough.” Kelley suggests.

“Okay, let’s try that.” Tobin nods.

5 minutes into the second half they lose possession in the final third. What follows is a counter attack by the German team and Kelley finds herself sprinting down the field to catch up with the ongoing attack. Däbritz plays a well-timed pass to Marozsán a few yards outside of the 18 and all Abby has to do, is step up to her to narrow the angle and stop her from shooting, but she doesn’t.

“HEY!! ABBY!!! PRESSURE!!” Kelley yells.

However, Abby doesn’t react and she knows that if she is not going to do it herself, they’re going to be down 0-1. She tries sprinting even faster running into Marozsán’s direction at an angle. The German midfielder takes her time to trick Abby by faking a shot to the right, before quickly changing directions, making Abby move the wrong way and breaking away past her towards goal. Marozsán finds herself in the perfect spot, she swings her leg towards the ball and strikes it firmly. The next thing that can be heard is a bang that is so loud that the whole stadium must have heard it. The ball gets blocked and is sent flying into the stands. Somehow, Kelley managed to throw herself into the shot at the very last second by jumping legs first. Loud cheers erupt in the stadium, still Kelley is anything but happy.

“Abby, you can’t do that!! When I say go for it, you have to step up!! For fuck’s sake!!” she yells aggravated, gesturing heatedly.

In their pre-game meeting, the coaches had explicitly instructed to not let Marozsán shoot anywhere near the box, which is why Abby nods at her apologetically.

“Sorry, Kel.” she mumbles.

“It’s okay, but you gotta stay focused and listen. Next time it’s a goal.” Kelley warns.

For the next minutes, they try to play their attack through the middle, however there is no getting through. At one point, Julie has to stop the attack because the space is just too tight. She plays the ball to Kelley, who starts moving up the flank, using the space that is now on the right side. When the midfielder comes up to her, she passes the ball to Tobin, who tugged in a little bit to give Kelley even more space. The trick works and both the defender and the midfielder try to stop Tobin from dribbling past them while Rose drops into Kelley’s position. When Tobin comes to a full halt, standing in front of the German players, Kelley uses the chance to start sprinting down the pitch, overlapping Tobin, who chips the ball over both players and right into Kelley’s path, causing the crowd to scream loudly. Kelley quickly moves towards the 18-yard box and tugs in a little, looking up to spot Christen or Alex. She is about to send in a cross, when Schweers comes too late into the challenge and tackles Kelley from behind, her timing completely off. From the moment the studs of the cleat hit her ankle, all she can feel is pain. She lets out a horrifying scream, the one that makes the hair stand up on the back of your neck. Kelley rolls around on the field, holding her ankle, hitting her hand on the ground repeatedly to somehow make the pain stop, but it doesn’t help. Meanwhile, everyone is up from their seats, booing and whistling loudly. Schweers is the first to squat down next to Kelley. She is apologizing frantically and patting her back, looking quite shocked that she miscalculated the tackle that badly. Tobin is the next to arrive while Alex is running in her direction as well with nearly the whole team in tow.

“Fuck dude, are you okay???” Tobin asks concerned, but Kelley isn’t able to answer.

“Kel!” Alex gasps out of breath, immediately kneeling down next to Kelley, softly trying to hold her still.

Alex throws Tobin a horrified look that she returns. They both know that if Kelley stays down like that it must be something serious. Kelley hasn’t stopped screaming and Alex rolls her onto her back carefully. Kelley’s face is scrunched up in pain, looking like she’s getting tortured. Alex strokes her arm up and down and tries holding her waist still with her other hand. She looks around helplessly, but sees their medical staff coming towards them.

“Fuck!! Fuck, it hurts so much!!” Kelley wails.

“I know baby, I’m sorry. Steve is going to help you, okay?” Alex tries to calm her down, caressing her arm.

“Okay Kelley, right ankle again?” Steve, their head athletic trainer asks, as he is kneeling down next to her, making Tobin get out of the way and the team to give them some space.

Kelley nods shortly.

“Can you describe the pain? Was it a crushing pain?”

While the medical staff gets to work, the referee pulls a straight red and Schweers doesn’t complain one bit, leaving the pitch with a horrified look on her face, getting a few pats on her back.

“Did you have problems with your ankle the last few days?”

“She didn’t.” Alex answers quickly, while Kelley has her arm laying over her face, struggling to answer Steve’s questions due to her pain.

“I did.” Kelley answers pained.

Alex looks at her quizzical, her mouth agape. Kelley nervously makes eye contact with her, throwing her an apologetic look. She looks absolutely miserable, so Alex decides to have that conversation later, shaking her head disappointedly. Kelley tugs at her hand worriedly, looking at Alex with puppy eyes that are screaming, ‘Please don’t be mad at me’. Alex adverts her eyes quickly, knowing that if she looks at her long enough now, she is going to cry.

“What kind of problems did you have?” Steve asks carefully, having witnessed the silent conversation.

“Mostly exhaustion.” Kelley gets out through her teeth, closing her eyes and throwing her head back, the pain not getting any better.

“Can you move your foot for me?” Steve asks, making Kelley shake her head violently.

“Alright, that’s okay, Kelley. No worries! Still, I’m going to have to move your foot just a little bit.” Steve announces.

He looks at Alex apologetically, “You might want to hold her hand for this.”

Alex nods at him uneasily and grabs Kelley’s hand with both of hers, leaning down further to whisper in her ear.

“Kel, it’s going to be okay. I’m here, I’m right here.” Alex comforts her with a soothing voice.

Kelley nods lightly, her face distorted with pain.

“Alright Kelley, on the count of three. One, two, three.” Steve says softly, before moving her foot to the right.

When he does, he is stopped by a roaring scream.

“Stop!!! Please, stop!!!!” Kelley begs, hitting her free hand on the ground violently.

Alex looks up at Steve horrified, seeing by the look on his face that this is bad.

“Tell them to get the stretcher.” he says to his assistant, who waves the medics over quickly.

“I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to try one minor movement again.”

Kelley nods desperately, looking absolutely terrified with her eyes wide in panic and Alex’s heart breaks at the sight of it.

“Steve wait a second.” Alex intervenes.

“Hey babe, look at me, okay? Look me in the eyes.” Alex instructs.

Kelley does as she is told, looking at Alex helplessly, her forehead covered in sweat.

“Do you still remember the first time we met?” Alex whispers.

Kelley nods her head, her pained, panicked expression changing into a somewhat calmer version, her mouth forcing itself into something that at least resembles a smile.

“How could I forget?” Kelley gets out, her voice strained.

“Do you also remember when we talked about our first impressions of each other a few years later?”

Alex nods at Steve to start moving Kelley’s ankle.

Tears start streaming into Kelley’s eyes, rolling down the sides of her face. Her grip on Alex’s hand is almost crushing hers. Alex sees that Kelley is trying so hard to endure the pain just for her.

“Fuck!” Kelley yells, closing her eyes, her forehead in ceases, Alex didn’t know it could form in.

“Baby, keep looking at me.” Alex begs.

Kelley reopens her eyes, her pupils dilated, looking into Alex’s as if begging her to make it stop. Alex gulps heavily, her throat going dry.

“Come on Kel, tell me the story.”

FLASHBACK ON

January 2008

Kelley walks out of the locker room, pulling her shirt over her head. The heavy fireproof door behind her falls into the lock with a loud bang. They finally have their first U-20 team training of the year. Kelley has been on the team since 2006. The first couple times, coming to camp in January was pretty exciting, nowadays she’s a veteran and the initial excitement turned into a serene calmness. She can’t wait to get the chance to train with the full-on National Team one day. She makes her way down the hallway, heading towards the pitch, when suddenly the door of the equipment room opens and a girl with brown hair and some blonde highlights exits from it, wearing the same jersey as her. Kelley can’t see her face and also doesn’t recognize her silhouette, which is why she guesses that she is one of the rookies. What she can tell from her silhouette though, is that she must be pretty, totally Kelley’s type. She watches the girl in front of her strut through the hallway with confidence, untypical for one of the newbies, who normally wander around the hallways shyly. Kelley is fascinated immediately, knowing that the girl has to be interesting. What captivates her even more is that she doesn’t seem to notice that someone is behind her and she still walks with determined steps, her hips swaying lightly. Kelley’s stride quickens, trying to catch up with her.

“Hey.” Kelley puts on her megawatt smile, lightly placing her hand on the girl’s back to make her presence known.

“You must be a roo-“

She turns around and Kelley’s smile falters, her voice failing her. Instead of saying something she just stares at her overwhelmed. The girl’s lips are curved into a soft smile, her blue eyes boring into Kelley’s in a way that makes her feel something, she can’t describe.

“I, uhh-“ Kelley gets out.

Just a millisecond later the girl’s expression changes into something different. This pulls Kelley out of her daze and she is met by a judging look. Kelley checks her out pretty blatantly. That’s also when she realizes who the girl must be and her face turns into a smirk again.

“You look good in that jersey.” Kelley grins.

Alex rolls her eyes at that.

“No for real. I swear it never looked better on anyone and I’ve seen countless girls in it.” Kelley says charmingly.

“Yeah, are you talking about your teammates or only girls who wore it the morning after?” the girl sasses.

“Wow. You’re not only pretty, but also feisty.” Kelley smiles at her impressed, “I’m Kelley O’Hara.” she says holding out her hand with a level of confidence that is hard to match.

The girl looks down on her hand and then up at Kelley again without extending her own.

“I know who you are.” she says with a tone that sounds pretty bitchy.

“Do you?” Kelley arches an eyebrow cockily.

“Yeah and they also told me a lot about you. So, don’t waste your time, I know how people like you are.”

Kelley laughs out loud, throwing her head back, “How are people like me?”

“Well, you’re a flirt. Attractive and you know it. Smart, but you radiate this annoying kind of smart that comes with arrogance. You sweet talk everybody, charming them into liking you, making them believe that they mean something to you and when it’s most convenient for you, you cut them off because you found the next great thing. Doesn’t work on me.”

“Okay Miss Morgan, so you think I’m attractive and smart?” Kelley wiggles her eyebrows.

“Oh my god, that’s so typical for someone like you. You only listen to-“ Alex starts aggravated, blushing a little bit.

“-wait. Why do you know my name?”

“Well, you’re not the only one who heard rumors.” Kelley grins.

“Well, rumors are dumb.” Alex sulks, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“That’s something I would agree with. Yet you still base all your information on the rumors you heard. How come?” Kelley chuckles.

“Well, I know they are true.”

Kelley laughs again, making Alex a kind of nervous, she never felt before and it’s making her really insecure.

“I like you Morgan, I’m glad that the rumors I heard are true as well, but I have to say that they are only true to an extent.” Kelley winks with a smirk and walks past her.

“Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“That’s something I’ll keep to myself, blue eyes.” Kelley calls over her shoulder, leaving Alex standing in the hallway perplexed.

Alex stares after her with a dropped jaw. A loud bang can be heard in the hallway and Kelley rounds the corner, disappearing just as fast as she appeared.

“Judging by the look on your face you already met Kelley, huh?” Tobin chuckles, stopping next to her.

“Apparently.” Alex mumbles.

“You okay?” Tobin chuckles.

“Uh yeah, totally! I just don’t think I ever met anybody like her.” Alex shakes her head, only now looking at Tobin.

“You think she’s hot.” Tobin grins.

“What!?! No!!! I think she’s super annoying.” Alex exclaims.

“And you think she’s hot.” Tobin smirks knowingly.

“I don’t! She’s full of herself and besides that I have a boyfriend, you know that.” Alex defends herself.

“Well, she may come off like this the first time you meet her, but she’s actually really cool and super nice. I played with her for two years now and she’s a really intelligent player, totally somebody I could see you bounce off with on the pitch. I think you’ll like her.”

“We’ll see.” Alex says skeptical.

Tobin smiles at that and walks around her, but stops, laying her hand on Alex’s shoulder, “And Alex?”

“What?”

“Don’t worry, everybody thinks she’s hot.” Tobin winks, before ducking form Alex’s hand coming her way.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

January 29th 2012

Alex and Kelley are making their way to their hotel room. It’s 3 am and they both feel a little bit tipsy from the drinks they had. They did it. They just won the CONCACAF final and on top of that they qualified for the Olympics in London. For the past hours they found no words to describe how it feels to be part of something so big, but right now it doesn’t matter. They are just too happy and too tired.

“Thanks for leaving with me, I don’t think I would have lasted any longer.” Alex yawns, as they enter their room.

“Of course, I feel exhausted too.” Kelley smiles softly.

Alex walks straight into the bathroom, to remove her make-up and brush their teeth, while Kelley first changes into her oversized white shirt and some shorts, she is sleeping in. After that she walks into the bathroom, cleaning her face, while Alex just starts brushing her teeth.

“Quiet the day, huh?” Kelley grins.

Alex shakes her head, wide eyed, “I know, right?” she says with the toothbrush in her mouth.

“I feel like you singlehandedly demolished Canada.” Kelley chuckles.

“I feel like you will become one of the best defenders ever.” Alex smiles.

Kelley scoffs at that, “I don’t think so, Al.” she laughs.

“No really, you were great! You should be really proud of how you played.”

“I could have done better. Proud is a strong word.”

“I am.”

Kelley smiles at that, standing up to grab her toothbrush.

“Well, you should be, you played incredible.” she says, starting to brush her teeth as well.

Alex hits her in the ribs with her elbow lightly, “Nooo, I meant that I am proud of you, you idiot.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I don’t think anybody else could have done what you did, at least not that good.”

“Come on Al, that’s nonsense.” Kelley brushes off.

“Kel, you normally play as a forward and with Ali being out on such short notice, you really did fucking amazing. That was impressive.”

Kelley smiles at her, her expression still a little bit doubtful, “Thanks.”

Alex spits out the toothpaste and rinses.

“You’re too humble for the way you played.” she empathizes, her tone just as warm as the look she is giving Kelley before exiting the bathroom.

Kelley’s smile goes wider when she leaves the room. She looks into the mirror, catching the expression on her face as if she was watching somebody else. She pushes the thought that she only smiles like that when she is with Alex to the back of her mind quickly. Luckily, her thoughts are interrupted anyway.

“Damn it!” Alex groans.

“Keeel??” she calls, dragging out Kelley’s name.

“Yeah?”

“Can you help me?”

Kelley quickly finishes up and leaves the bathroom as well. When she enters the room, Alex is sitting on top of the bed in only her bra and her jeans, looking at her fed up.

“What’s wrong?” Kelley laughs cluelessly.

“My zipper is stuck.” she groans.

Kelley laughs even louder now.

“Shut up and help me!”, she throws a pillow at her.

Kelley dugs from the pillow and holds her hands up shieldingly, “Alright, calm down.”

She tries to refrain from laughing and makes her way the bed. Alex lets her upper body fall back onto the mattress with a sigh and Kelley starts trying to open her jeans.

“I never guessed the night would end with me trying to rip your clothes off.”

“Admit it, you always dreamed of that.” Alex jokes.

Kelley looks at the zipper closely, seeing that some of the fabric of Alex’s jeans got stuck in it.

“Yeah, but that’s not how I imagined taking your pants off.” she mumbles distractedly.

“Sounds like something you would have said to hit on me when we were younger.” Alex rolls her eyes, chuckling.

“I never hit on you.”

“Uhhh, yeah you did.” Alex exclaims disbelievingly.

“When?” Kelley says, looking up at Alex, who is now holding herself up on her elbows to look at Kelley.

“Excuuuse me? Are you serious right now? When did you not?” Alex gasps offended.

“Okay, okay, I did.”

“I was just going to say. Just remember the first time we met.” Alex lays down again.

“Yeah, well I hate to admit it, but I really tried to make an impression.”

“That you made.” Alex chuckles.

“Do you like those jeans?” Kelley asks, looking up at Alex concerned.

“I LOVE those jeans.” Alex empathizes, making intense eye contact.

“Got it.” Kelley nods, leaning down again.

There is a moment of silence, but Kelley speaks up again, “In the good kind of way?” Kelley asks.

“Huh?”

“Did I make an impression in the good kind of way?” Kelley smirks.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Alex teases, her tone flirty.

Kelley smiles confused.

“I mean it must have worked, because right now my face is in your crotch.” Kelley jokes.

“You really are as blunt as they come.” Alex shakes her head with a grin.

“It’s a specialty.” Kelley mumbles distracted again, as she feels the zipper move slightly, “Okay, hold on.”

She firmly tugs at the fabric that is stuck in the zipper and it comes unstuck. Kelley pulls down Alex’s zipper easily.

“There you go.” she smiles.

“Oh my god, you did it, thanks!” Alex exclaims happily and Kelley lets herself fall onto the bed, while she gets up to kick off her pants and change into an oversized shirt as well.

Kelley silently watches her from where she is laying. Alex lays down next to Kelley again, turning towards her as she realizes that she is staring at her.

“What?”

“So, what was your first impression of me?” Kelley grins, turning towards Alex, popping her head up on her elbow.

“You mean, besides all the things the girls from my college told me?” Alex smirks.

“Ugh, annoying fans.” Kelley rolls her eyes jokingly, making Alex shake her head with a laugh.

“But yeah,” Kelley mumbles, suddenly looking at Alex pretty seriously, “what did you think?”

“Well, looks wise my first impression of you was that you were the most attractive person I had ever seen, which by the way was pretty intimidating, BUT you also were a little shit.”

This makes Kelley laugh out loud, making Alex join in.

“Sounds fair. So, the rumors were true, huh?”

“Oh no, not all of them, but some were spot on.” Alex smiles.

“Were they? What did your amazing teammates from college say?” Kelley says with an ironic tone, raising an eyebrow.

“As I said to you, I heard that you were a flirt, breaking hearts all around, which honestly I can still picture you doing back then. Allegedly, your whole college had a crush on you, or at least thought that you were attractive and judging by the talk on my team, you didn’t only charm Stanford students.” Alex chuckles, making Kelley laugh out loudly.

“Damn, I guess I really was the topic in your locker room.” Kelley lets out drily.

“Yeah girl, they also said that you could make people fall in love with you, just by looking at them and I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what you were trying to do that day, when you pulled that specific look, which by the way you totally still do quite often.”

“What look?” Kelley chuckles.

“That one!!! That’s the look right there!” Alex exclaims, pointing at Kelley’s face.

“I’m not doing anything.” she laughs.

“Yes, you so are! Your eyes look totally innocent, as if you don’t know that you are looking the way you do, but if I look closely, your eyes are staring right into my soul and you’re combining that with that light smile that is almost a smirk, but it is too friendly to be your full on asshole smirk.”

“Wow Alex, apparently you spend a lot of time analyzing my face.” Kelley grins.

“Just for your information, now you’re wearing the asshole smirk.” Alex rolls her eyes, “But anyway, that’s not my point. Funny enough, some people said you were cold-hearted and arrogant and I really have to say-“ Alex starts, but is interrupted by Kelley.

“Alright, alright enough of that. Yes, the rumors are true. That’s something I’ve heard a thousand times. Apparently, I am a giant asshole, Miss Morgan. Thanks for still rooming with me.” Kelley chuckles and Alex shakes her head.

“No…”Alex whisper, looking deep into her eyes.

“No, that’s the point. You’re not.” Alex says seriously.

The smile on Kelley’s face disappears and she just stares at Alex cluelessly.

“It’s just a mystery to me. Why do you always try to come off as this heartless person? You know, I always ask myself who made you believe that. Maybe it’s because all the rumors that I heard about you, are based off your physical appearance or your fitness. That has always been the thing when people, who didn’t know you, talked about you. These people are only judging you by the way you look and I don’t know why, but you listen to them. But Kel, did you ever think of listening to the people who know you? Who value you? You’re so much more than the way you look. You’re so intelligent and compassionate. I have never met anyone who is so protective of the things and people she values and loves. You always keep your word and you go all the way to make your family and friends proud and happy. And most of all, you have this huge, wonderful heart. Why do you always try to hide that beautiful heart of yours?” Alex asks disbelievingly.

Kelley looks at Alex speechlessly, her throat dry. Her mind is full of a thousand thoughts and things she wants to say, but she isn’t able to. Alex can see that Kelley is struggling to process what she just said, so she puts her out of her misery and asks her a question.

“So, what were the rumors you heard about me?” Alex smiles.

Kelley clears her throat, shaking out of her trance of looking in Alex’s eyes.

“Eh I, I heard that you were pretty and that you were an ‘A’ student, but to not get fooled by your looks because you were a mean player on the pitch.”

“Oh okay, but why did you say that the rumors were only true to an extent back then?” Alex mumbles quietly.

“Because first of all, by the way you spoke to me you were more than just an ‘A’ student. The moment you opened your mouth I knew you were amazing. You were really smart and you made me wonder what you were thinking of me. To be honest, something I never wondered about when talking to a girl. Normally, I could see right through, this time I couldn’t.” Kelley says deep in thought, as if she was reliving the moment.

Alex smiles softly at that statement.

“Are you telling me that you were nervous? If you’re telling me that you were nervous, you didn’t seem like it one bit.” Alex smiles brightly.

“Oh believe me, I was.” Kelley lets out a laugh, that sounds more like a nervous exhale.

Kelley plays with the watch that she is still wearing and her eyes are fixed on it.

“Mostly, because of all the rumors, one rumor wasn’t true at all.” Kelley says, now looking up into Alex’s eyes.

“Which one?” Alex whispers, hypnotized by the way Kelley is looking at her. That’s also the moment when she sees something flicker in Kelley’s eyes, but she doesn’t know what to make out of it.

“Alex, you weren’t pretty. You were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and it would have been the understatement of the century to just call you pretty. You were breathtakingly gorgeous.” Kelley says honestly, making Alex blush furiously.

She looks away nervously, since she isn’t able to maintain the intense eye contact. It almost feels like Kelley’s eyes are burning a hole into hers and just when Alex thinks Kelley won’t say anything more, she speaks up again.

“You still are.” Kelley whispers, making Alex look at her again.

“See. You have a heart.” Alex whispers softly, visibly moved by Kelley’s words.

“Yeah, maybe it’s because of you.” Kelley whispers back.

They gaze in each other’s eyes silently. Now Alex is the one who is left speechless. She doesn’t know how to react to that, but somehow, she can feel herself getting closer to Kelley. She gets drawn to her impulsively, like a magnet, totally powerless. They are getting closer and closer by the second, nobody in control of the situation. Just when their lips are about to touch there is a knock on the door. Alex leans forward quickly, pressing a kiss to Kelley’s cheek like she never had the intention to place it anywhere else and jumps up to answer the door.

“Coooming!” she calls, leaving Kelley staring at the ceiling, mouthing a frustrated ‘Fuck!’, before putting her hands on her face and letting out a deep breath.

Her head starts spinning.

“You’re so stupid Kelley, what are you doing?!” she whispers to herself angrily.

Meanwhile, Alex’s thoughts are running wild. ‘I didn’t just almost kiss my best friend, did I?’ she asks herself before opening the door.

FLASHBACK OFF

“And then Tobin was standing at the door, because she lost her key and wanted to crash on the couch.” Kelley finishes pained, but still attempts a smile and a light chuckle.

Alex nods at her, smiling with tears in her eyes. Even though they talked about this story a hundred times, Alex’s desperate attempt of trying to distract Kelley worked. Steve gives Alex a soft smile and squeezes her shoulder as the medical team hoist Kelley on the stretcher. Alex looks at her worried and she can see the wheels in Kelley’s head turning, as she is examining her closely.

“Don’t forget to score me that goal.”

Alex knows exactly what she is doing. That’s the thing about being in a relationship with your teammate, you still have to do your job, even if things like this happen. This is Kelley’s way of telling her to concentrate on the game again and stop worrying. Alex squeezes Kelley’s hand one more time, nodding at her.

“I would never.”

The paramedics lift the stretcher up and start carrying her off the field. Steve hands Alex a water bottle.

“Good job, Alex. I’ll update you after the game.”

“Thanks.” Alex nods and turns around, only to be met with worried looks by her teammates.

“You okay?” Tobin asks concerned, as everybody is getting to their positions for the freekick.

“Yeah.” Alex nods, stopping next to Tobin, who is taking the freekick.

“Good.” she counters a little bit relieved.

“Hey Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Kick it to the far post, I need to score a goal.” Alex says seriously and Tobin nods determined.

#Kellex #kelley o'hara #Alex Morgan #kellexfic #USWNT #kellexfanfic #love on the brain #part19

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fmddevin · 5 years

Text

woosh !! so i was trying to keep my ooc identity a surprise until now, but apparently i was stupid and y’all found out before i could get this up so...yay!! anyways, i’ll try to keep this short and simple! i’m jada, and this is my second baby, and the last for a while - mr. daein “devin” kim! he’s 23, the lead vocal & lead dancer of impulse, and an overall mess. he’s got a lot to work out, but i’m excited to see what i can do with him and how he grows & develop! he’s a little more on the chaotic side than micha is, but don’t let it scare you off! i swear i’ve got a plot page coming really soon, like tomorrow, but in the meantime - here’s his profile & bio! i’m more than happy to plot with you, though, so like this for me to hop in your ims!! trivia & some hawaii event ideas / general plot ideas under the cut.~

ok let’s get this started!! i promise to try to make this short & sweet as possible (but you know i’m jada so-). but before i wrote daein’s profile i made like a....3 page bullet summary of what i wanted him to be, so i’m going to be inputting some of those here!! so if it sounds a bit rambly...you know why!

if you’re just here for the event thread ideas, scroll down towards the end, where hawaii event ideas is in bold! <3

born on march 24th, 1996!

parents koreans from seoul, korea. met through a study abroad program @ their college, fell in love with each other and the us! had baby daein, who got plopped in the middle of tampa, florida!

his whooooole childhood felt like he was living in isolation. being one f the only asian-american kids on the block, he definitely felt like an outsider. when he’d bring kimbap, kimchi, or tteokbokki for lunch, they’d always look at him all confused like?? what is that

it made him sad bc he always had felt like his different was a good thing, and he’d been raised to be proud of his culture, but apparently not??

as a sidenote kid misheard his name in middle school and was like “devin?” and he was like “sure that’s it” and started going by that outside of home ever since bc it made him feel more american

just throughout his whole childhood he was ridiculed for being different, which was really the start of his obsession with other’s satisfaction and being like everyone else!

so he took matters into his own hands, but in the worst way possible. during this time, he went against everything his parents had taught him and essentially rejected his korean culture. he stopped bothering to learn the tidbits of korean they were trying to teach him, never brought up his culture, and kind of distanced himself from his parents. he always was trying to bring up some excuse for why they couldn’t come to events because he was always embarrassed about their english and how different they all looked compared to everybody else. just...not a good time and his parents were very upset w/him

anyways onto happy times!! middle school was when he discovered his passion for dance, hip hop in particular. he would always be so amazed by the dancers at the boardwalk performing and decided that’s what he wanted to do!!

sOooOo he originally started off as being self-taught through videos on youtube, but eventually his parents agreed to let him dance if he a.) promised it wouldn’t mess up his grades and b.) he paid for them his own

and he did!! it was Hard but he made sure his grades were in check & picked up a part-time job at the ice cream parlor near his house to get money. it was minimum wage and he had to wear a cheesy apron with this ice cream cone hat but anyways

he could only afford one lesson a week at the community dance center, but it taught him a lot!!! where he discovered his true passion for dance, and tbh spent more time there than anywhere else

eventually!! he joined a florida dance crew and that’s when his skills really blossomed and people started taking him seriously, basically was there until the beginning of high school

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

and then high school is when it...all came crashing down. being such a people pleaser, he fell victim to peer pressure. he was scared of being looked down again, because by now he’d formed a name for himself and was pretty popular. so, to continue blending in, started getting heavily into drinking and drugs and just...not good, because he grew really dependent on it and started losing his enthusiasm for everything else. it’s something he continues to struggle with a lot, although it’s mostly drinking nowadays and the only drug he’s involved with on a regular basis is weed?? but he has relapsed and that’s a major reason he needs people around him to keep him stable!!

also the dance team wouldn’t let him back in bc he failed the drug test and his drug spiral just got worse because he had nothing else to focus his energy on.

it was the only thing that really made him feel something other than dance, and now that he was spending all of his money on it he couldn’t even do that.

tw: drug and alcohol addiction - end!

he partially discovered his love for singing after the months he had to go w/o dancing. he really started to enjoy it but only in private because he was Embarrased of what others would think so

his parents were tired of his bs because he was a junior now and they were basically like we’re tired of the people we hang around and you need to be around family, so for spring break they sent him to seoul!!

boy was hEated alr. like i said, wasn’t a fan of his culture, he had to leave his friends who were all going on fun trips, & he knew NOTHING - not the language, the people, anything.

but when he got there??? kind of actually enjoyed it. he got to meet family he’d never met before, picked up a little of the language, all of that. but hongdae??? - that’s what made him really excited.

he never thought of korea to be a very exciting place, until he went there. there were so many other talented dancers and he felt so at home, but unlike in florida, they looked like him!

so this is where it gets a little funny lmao. his family refused to fund his habits but he wanted to go to a club while he was there to have fun and impress girl??? so basically, he went to hongdae, and tried busking for some extra cash. and he LOVED IT!! for a reference he freestyled to turn up the music by chris brown lol

and it was real fun!! he genuinely had a really good time - but right before he left some random ass man left him a little slip, and he was like ??? and then he asked him his name, and daein barely understood what he said and in english was like “hey i’m devin??” and when the man realized he was like yes!! and daein was like no??? but took the slip anyways and turns out it was an invitation to a gold star audition!!

the second daein read it said kpop he essentially was like “lmao no” and just threw it in his bag. so he went home, and kind of forgot about it all, until a few months after he got home. things weren’t really looking up for him and he really wanted to continue his dance career, he just didn’t know how. he didn’t get accepted to the college he wanted to because of that time his grades had plummeted, and it was hard to land a stable dance job. & his parents were like look if you don’t make this dance thing happen we’re going to throw you into a business job with a suit and tie u need money

and daein!! hates!! corporate!! so he was like hell no and decided to give this idol thing one last chance

so - he submitted a video audition to gold star, and low and behold!! he made it!!

even though this was his saving grace, he really didn’t know what to do about it. because i mean he loved tampa, and he didn’t want to leave?? but when his parents heard the opportunity they were ELATED because they knew dance was the only thing that really put his focus on good things & they wanted him to be in korea with his family and all that. so!! they were like DO IT. and he really had no other choice so he was like uhhhh i guess

flash forward to the end of may!! right after the end of his junior year of school in tampa, he moved to korea to start training. since he had a pretty good experience during spring break of the year before, he expected his life to be better than he’d expected!! but...it was really hard. since he had to live there, and he was only 16, he felt really lost w/o his parents, and his only real family there were his grandparents and cousins he barely every said hi to so that sucked

tw: depression and light substance abuse!

around this time was when he developed signs of depression, just as he started training. because it was when he really discovered that he couldn’t please everybody, something that he’d strived to do his whole life.

he lacked a support system & didn’t have anyone really close to him to make the transition better, since his parents were back in florida and he could barely hold a conversation with his family in korea. this is a big reason he remained dependent on drinking especially, because it got him out of his funk and to temporarily forget about all that was going on.

because of it, daein started getting less sleep, eating less, and all that. gold star noticed it really soon and got him in touch with a psychiatrist, which, eventually diagnosed him with depression. but it’s not something he goes around telling everyone, he has some evident signs but he probably wouldn’t openly tell more than a couple really close & trusted friends. but gold star has been monitoring his mental health to make sure he’s okay mentally. he takes medication but?? it doesn’t do him much good but they’re always hounding him about it so

like i said though, he’s a very independent person so he doesn’t like to feel like he’s a burden, which is why he doesn’t want others to know because he feels like they’re gonna pity him!!

tw: depression and light substance abuse! - end

bc of his more tan skin (back in the day from florida, not really anymore) and broken korean, he felt like a foreigner, but also people would mistake him for having korean nationality whenever they would talk to him. so he felt like he couldn’t really fit either mold, because he was out of place in korea and florida. but!! i digress

he felt like he was kind of thrust into who’s next: origin story because by the time it started he had only been a trainee for...4 months?? like it’s crazy & he clearly wasn’t ready, a major reason for him being on the losing end, but he had the loveable foreigner thing going on so he did get a good fanbase!! even though he was criticized for his short training period

i doubt he was a favorite among the trainees because he’s REEEEEALLY introverted,,, especially in social situations where he’s not the most comfortable with people in so i don’t think he was super talkative.

a big reason he has trouble on variety shows now!! it’s not that he doesn’t like but they’ve kind of turned it into a “mysterious” thing, which is fine to him if it mean he doesn’t have to talk as much

also he hated it because he constantly had to dodge staff & other trainees whenever he wanted to drink or smoke so he was probably always trying to find a way to sneak out when they had any kind of free time

he got a lotlotlot better at singing during training though, though they’re kind of forcing an unnatural tone for his voice which is making him strain and can’t be good for him in the long run but marketing!! so. anyways he loves singing a lot more than he did before, he’d always expected to be just a dancer but they unleashed his potential so!! that’s one thing he really enjoyed about training

basically he’s been marketed as the “sexy foreigner” and he kinda hates it ngl. because while he never was attached to his korean identity, the more he’s been here the more he’s just wanted to be the same as everybody else?? so that’s not helping with anything. he’s always kind of laughed at for being clueless when a joke flies over his head, made to say things in english ALL THE TIME, just all that. it really gets on his nerves bc nowadays he just wants to blend in and they’re not making it any better!!!

it may sound confusing but basically: as a teen he rejected his korean identity to blend in with everyone in florida, now he’s in korea and wants to be known as less of an american to blend it. it all comes down to him wanting to be like everyone else is nearly every aspect!!

since he feels like he cheated & got to debut way too easy than some others, he’s been trying to develop his creative and performance skills so he can get more credit and make a name for himself due to his actual abilities rather than just,, him being american lmao!! also trying super super hard to get as good as he can at korean

tw: drug and alcohol addiction!

he still has some trouble getting around & he still feels lost, but he’s trying his best. struggling through his alcohol addiction, which bc is mildly aware about but really trying to keep quiet and he’s been on the verge of leaving more than a few times. but as quiet as he is about it, he really relies on his members a lot to keep himself afloat!! so he appreciates them putting through his shit a lot of the time more than he'll admit.

tw: drug and alcohol addiction! - end

but rn he’s getting better, slightly, focusing more of his energy into music than anything. he really wants to get into the songwriting industry to get a name for himself on his own instead of just being known for impulse!!

just as a fyi since it’s a bit confusing his birth name is daein, he went by devin when he lived in america, but he goes by daein again now that he’s in korea, but his stage name is still devin and that’s what his friends from america call him. he prefers to be called daein nowadays, though, so that’s probably the safest best!

also this has not been short at all but anyways

hawaii plots!

he likes to drink & get high way too much and what better place than to do that then on vacation?? he’s been trying to stop, but look, it’s vacation and he’s unwinding and if your muse is down they can both have fun!!

such. an. introvert. even more than micha, because 80% of his interactions by choice come from his group?? but i would love to get him some new friends (especially since he literally has none right now lol)

he’s a bit of a hoe ngl so!! hookups are accepted, that’s the one time he’s not afraid of striking up conversation!!

he’s in the red team so like micha, if you’re members in the red team he could use some buddies to be with!!

someone to explore the island with during the night!

general plots!

he lives in an apartment my himself atm, but a roommate would be lovely!! he needs someone to put him out of his funk, anyways.

drinking buddies ofc

trainee friends? someone who wasn’t put off by him being super quiet and befriended it and he’s super grateful nowadays?

give me all the angst & romance because he’s a handful, seriously, phew

besties!! someone that makes him soft and happy bc there are few people who make him super happy & excited, so someone fill in the gap!

#omg i queuef this for 6 aM whY #i was like...i guess nobody sees it??#ugh i'm real stupid #( & ooc. )#drugs tw #alocohol tw #depression tw #< - both are labeled within the post if you wanna skip past their mentions!#pls don't let him flop #i'll rb this tomorrow since this is a really weird time to post!#this is so embarrassing omg

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