#but really its to making existing more bareable. idk. things get too much and weed really just. quiets everything down.
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#diary#personal#disordered eating#hm. i really wonder why i partake in all these bad habits. Hah. i make it sound like im sampling fine wine and cheeses#hm hm hm. please pass me the merlot darling would you please? oh be a dear and pass the the 6 month munster. oh isnt this just to die for!#hahaha. but seriously though. a lot of the things i do arent quite easily explained.#self harm#drugs tw#like ill be the first to admit i likely am addicted to some extent to self harm. does that mean all these other behavior are that basically#or are they seprate things. tho that seems unlikely.#like. i want to starve myself yes. but it sorta seems frivolous in a way? like i like the idea in theory. but not so much in reality.#i do love food. but im picky. i want only certain things at certain times. and often im just tired of eating.#and idk. i like the idea of being thin. but that doesnt mean ill push it that far. im happy so long as i maintain really.#in the end i feel no need to exersise or even restrict that much. i cant be bothered tbh. im too lazy. for better or for worse really.#alcohol#even weed and alcohol. theyre not really an addiction. well. weed could become one ig?#but really its to making existing more bareable. idk. things get too much and weed really just. quiets everything down.#and by god does it ever help my fuckinh pain.#alcohol id probably partake in more if it wasnt for the stomach issues it causes me. thats the only reason i stopped.#and while id be theoretical into trying other things to bide my time. i just dont really care? cant be bothered to really.#idk. in the end all these behaviours always seem likeexpressions of other things to me.#thats why all in all im quite reluctant to claim theyre a disorder or an addiction or anything.#in the end theyre something i rely on when i cant deal with it anymore. and sometimes thats a bit too frequently#im just bored sometimes too ig. but that boredom just causes everything else to spiral too.#even me not eating. i dont like pain and the nausea that comes if you dont eat for too long. but by god does food disgust me sometimes#not much to do about it really. or at least im not sure what to do. all in all i think ive sorta given up on everything?#its sorta pitiful to say so but i really have. i just. dont wanna deal with any of this anymore so i gave up in the end.#not much to be done when you just cant do anything. haha. if i even knew where to start i probably would.#but all in all i just go around in circles. and ive sorta forgotten my values and any sense of self.#this has happened before. when i was younger. im used to it. and idk. thats sorta why im taking a laxidasical attitude.
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